Tag: sex and relationship advice

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What Is Shibari?

– Shibari Rope and Shibari Bondage

by Explica .co

Allow me to introduce you to BDSM’s sort-of-similar cousin shibari. You may know it as Japanese rope bondage or by the term “kinbaku,” but it’s a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan, says sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. (The term “shibari” literally means “tying” and kinbaku means “tight binding.”)

This sex practice can be enjoyed by all genders, body types, and sexual orientations, and it’s basically just a really great way to bring healthy communication, trust, and spice into your bedroom game — no matter how kinky you are on the BDSM test.

So with the help of four experts, here’s everything you need to know about the rope bondage that can enhance the hell out of your sex life. Oh, and when you’re ready, pls enjoy these rope bondage sex positions too. Enjoyyyyyy!

Simply put, shibari is the act of tying up a person for aesthetic purposes — maybe in a pretty or intricate pattern, typically by using some form of rope. And while shibari is most often used as a means for sexual pleasure, historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.

You may remember that the sex practice had a lil cameo on Netflix’s series Too Hot to Handle when the contestants tied each other up, but trust, it goes so much deeper than what the show depicted.

How is it different than regular bondage?

Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction — handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc. — but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or partner, says sex educator Rev Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”

And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants,” says Ryan.

How should you and your partner start if you’re interested in trying shibari?

Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue,” he continues.

It’s worth developing a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:

What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you? How will I know if you’re having fun? How will I know when I need to change course? What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?

Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:

Learn how to tie a “single-column tie” (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial. Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.Have safety sheers on hand… for obvious reasons.Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties. The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.

Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can properly get you started if you’re new to this world.

So why should my partner and I try shibari instead of regular bondage?

All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally-binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of ​​completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.

“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria or simply a feeling of a deeper connection, ”says Rucifer.

Any tips, tricks, or benefits of trying shibari?

Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori. Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties. Relish in the untying part too — don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savor that — it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How women and men forgive infidelity

Researchers report if one partner feels their relationship is threatened by cheating, it is harder for them to forgive infidelity, regardless of gender.

If you willingly have sex with another person, it pretty much doesn’t matter whether you feel it’s your fault.

Summary: Males and females view physical and emotional cheating differently. Women consider emotional affairs to be more serious, and men believe physical infidelity to be more serious generally. Researchers report if one partner feels their relationship is threatened by cheating, it is harder for them to forgive infidelity, regardless of gender.

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons that heterosexual couples break up. Researchers who have studied 160 different cultures find this to be true worldwide.

However, men and women look at different types of infidelity differently.

Men usually regard physical infidelity – when the partner has sex with another person – more seriously than women do.

Women regard emotional infidelity – when the partner initiates a close relationship with another person – as more serious.

Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

“We’re surprised that the differences between the sexes weren’t greater. The mechanisms underlying forgiveness are more or less identical between genders,” says Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology’s (NTNU) Department of Psychology.

He has co-authored a new article in the Journal of Relationships Research. The article addresses infidelity and the mechanisms behind forgiveness.

A research group at NTNU recruited 92 couples for the study. These couples independently completed a questionnaire related to issues described in hypothetical scenarios where the partner had been unfaithful in various ways.

One scenario describes the partner having sex with another person, but not falling in love.

In the other scenario, the partner falls in love with another person, but does not have sex.

So how willing are people to forgive their partner? It turns out that men and women both process their partner’s infidelity almost identically.

Most people, regardless of gender and the type of infidelity, think it unlikely that they would forgive their partner’s infidelity.

“Whether or not the couple breaks up depends primarily on how threatening to the relationship they perceive the infidelity to be,” says first author Trond Viggo Grøntvedt, a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Psychology.

The more threatening the infidelity feels, the worse it is for the relationship.

Whether partners believe the relationship can continue also depends on how willing they are to forgive each other, especially in terms of avoiding distancing themselves from their partner.

This shows a couple with their backs to one another
Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

Of course, great individual differences exist, even within each gender. People react differently to infidelity, according to their personality and the circumstances.

“A lot of people might think that couples who have a strong relationship would be better able to tolerate infidelity, but that wasn’t indicated in our study,” says Professor Mons Bendixen at NTNU’s Department of Psychology.

Another aspect plays a role in cases of emotional infidelity, where no sex has taken place. To what extent can the unfaithful partner be blamed for what happened?

If you willingly have sex with another person, it pretty much doesn’t matter whether you feel it’s your fault.

“The degree of blame attributed to the partner was linked to the willingness to forgive,” says Bendixen.

The relationship is at greater risk if the partner is required to bear a big part of the responsibility for ending up in an intimate relationship with someone else.

“The blame factor doesn’t come into play when the partner is physically unfaithful,” Grøntvedt says.

If you voluntarily have sex with someone other than your partner, it’s more or less irrelevant whether you think it was mostly your fault or not. Possible forgiveness does not depend on accepting blame.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Mutual masturbation can bring you closer to your partner, even over FaceTime

May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.

By Anna Iovine

While hot vaxxed summer is rapidly approaching, that doesn’t mean everyone will suddenly drop their virtual connections for IRL experiences. More than half of Hinge users, for example, said they are still likely to go on video dates even when it’s safe to meet in-person.

It’s easier than ever to explore your sexuality online, whether it’s a virtual threeway or mutual masturbation over FaceTime or other video. If you’re wondering why one might want to jerk off on cam while someone else is not only watching but also jerking off on cam, read on.

Benefits of (virtual) mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation has a number of potential benefits no matter if it’s done in the same physical space or over video, said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire.

If one or both partners aren’t in the mood for intercourse but still want to be sexual together, for example, mutual masturbation is a way to do that.

As Mashable’s Rachel Thompson noted in 2018, mutual masturbation can help close the “orgasm gap” heterosexual women experience by showing their partner what they like.

Lehmiller agreed. “Mutual masturbation can also be a helpful teaching tool for showing your partner what you like and/or the kind of stimulation that helps you to reach orgasm,” he said. “In other words, it can be a sexy ‘show-and-tell’ of sorts and a potentially helpful form of sexual communication.”

“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist,” said Taylor Sparks, adult travel curator and founder of online sex toy retailer and subscription service OrganicLoven. You have the opportunity to watch someone you want to have sex with — or have already — pleasure themselves.

“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist.”

“They’re the master of their body,” said Sparks of your partner. “So if there’s anything you want to pick up how to do, they’re about to show you.”

What’s more is that mutual masturbation can be a novelty if you and your partner have never partaken. If you are looking to “expand your sexual menu,” as Lehmiller put it, this act is an easy one to add.

How to bring up mutual masturbation with your partner

Sparks emphasizes the importance of sexual compatibility when approaching a partner about potentially masturbating over video together. Are they uncomfortable discussing their sexual experiences and desires? Would broaching the topic of phone or video sex make them clutch their pearls? If the answers is yes, they may not be down for this activity — and that’s okay. Everyone has different preferences, and perhaps over time they’ll grow more comfortable discussing and exploring sex.

If they’re already comfortable, though, that opens the door to this discussion. Think of sharing your desire for this as talking about any other sexual fantasy, Lehmiller said. Pick the right time and place, like when you’re both aroused. Validate your partner and let them know how attractive you think they are. Then introduce the idea by saying something like, “I think it could be really hot if we try this new thing together.”

“The goal is to start a conversation about it,” Lehmiller said. “See how your partner feels and if they have any concerns.”

Mutual masturbation can bring you closer to your partner, even over FaceTime

You and your partner’s consent, safety, and comfort are the top priorities. If your partner is self-conscious about being watched or has privacy concerns, for example, discuss it. Maybe this activity just isn’t for you, or maybe there are ways these concerns can be addressed. An example Lehmiller gave is establishing that no video will be recorded without mutual consent; another is that for the first time, one partner will masturbate while the other watches.

Pacing is important when it comes to sex, said sex expert and educator Kenneth Play. It’s like a dance: You can go too fast or too slow and it won’t feel right. If you want to do this with someone you’ve just been speaking to online, jumping from chats to asking them if they want to masturbate over Zoom may be too fast (for most folks, anyway), for example.

Play suggests starting with text-based flirting and progressing onto sexy photos and videos. If your dirty talking muscle has atrophied over the pandemic or you just want some guidance, Play suggests reading up on it. The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty by Ruth Neustifter is one option.

Nudes and videos can progress into playing with your cameras on, Play continued. To get in the mood, you can watch cam shows together and see what turns you on.

“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits,” said Lehmiller. And if your partner isn’t into this idea at all, it’s okay. Don’t try to persuade or push them. Rather, suggest alternate ways of exploring intimacy and encourage your partner to share any ideas they have, too.

“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits.”

Have a discussion in advance, advised Lehmiller. Set boundaries, even establish a safe word depending on what type of play you’re doing. Discuss what you’re looking to get out of the experience together. This can help both of you feel relaxed.

One partner can lead the experience, said Play, and that can actually make the experience easier. That partner can tell the other what to do or lead by doing; everyone knows their role. “Setting a framework [for the session] in more of a gamification way is easier,” Play said, “and getting comfortable telling people what you want the other partner to do for you is a good way to practice sexual communication.”

How to create the perfect video set up for mutual masturbation

There are enough dick pic rating sites out there to know that angles are important not just for your face, but elsewhere on your body too. Sparks’ favorite setup is on the bed. If you sit up on the bed and put your laptop “right there” so to speak, you should have a straight shot. You can stack pillows under yourself to give an angle from below, and if your bed is flush against a wall you can lean against it. Sparks finds that the most comfortable.

If you’re using your phone and don’t have a tripod, you can lean your phone against a pile of books. Or, if you want a more “in your face” from below angle, you can go onto your knees and place your phone (or other camera) below you.

Ultimately, it’s not about seeing your genitals…well, not all about seeing your genitals. As Play noted, it’s extremely easy to fill that void with a few clicks onto a porn site. What virtual play is about is eroticism — setting the scene, being in the mood — and intimacy, even if it’s digital.

There’s a reason why OnlyFans and other platforms have blown up over the past few years; people crave that closeness and engagement, Play said. The same is true for some cam performers. But cam shows don’t have to just turn you on. They can be a force of inspiration, he mentioned, in terms of setting up camera angles and how you want to format a shot.

As for lighting, Play recommends red. “Red light is really good on camera,” he said. “Even if your room is messy…it does really work on skin color.” For audio — which Play finds really important, and considering the rise of audio erotica, many agree with him — wireless earbuds can be better than a stationary microphone so when you move around, your mic moves with you.

You can also wear a layer of clothing that you’ll eventually take off so you get progressively more nude.

Don’t hesitate to bring in sex toys, either. Many Bluetooth-enabled options can be controlled from afar — but they’re not perfect, as Mashable’s Jess Joho discovered when testing out “smart” sex toys. If you have the funds to spring for it, Play enjoys the rideable cowgirl machine.

Again, consent and safety are key. While you’re on camera together, Sparks advises to check in on the other person’s body language. Notice their facial expressions and if their body seems stiff. These are essential clues to seeing if someone really wants to be showing themselves on camera. If your partner looks even slightly uncomfortable, stop what you’re doing and talk it out.

Mutual masturbation can enhance your sexual experience and even your relationship with your partner — even if it’s done virtually. Don’t let screens get in the way of your good time. (Though do definitely clean them up afterwards.)

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Interested in polyamory?

Here’s 5 tips for making romantic relationships work with multiple partners.

By Ashley Laderer

  • Polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with different people.
  • Some people have a primary partner but are free to pursue casual relationships with others.
  • A successful poly relationship involves regular check-ins with your partners and open communication.

While most people today think of two monogamous partners when they think about romantic relationships, there are other types of relationships out there that are equally valid.

In fact, a 2012 study found that about 4% of relationships are consensually non-monogamous — and polyamory is one of the more common forms.

Here’s what you need to know about polyamory, including tips for how to make a polyamorous relationship work.

What is polyamory?

In the simplest terms, polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships. But unlike cheating, which is marked by deception, polyamory involves openness and consent from all parties, says Emy Tafelski, MA, LMFT, sex therapist and founder and CEO of ME-Therapy. You may hear people who practice polyamory call themselves “poly” for short.

There’s no one specific way that poly people go about their relationships, and they can decide what works best for their individual situation. However, there are two broad types of polyamory, says Tafelski:

  • Hierarchical poly: These people have a primary relationship with one person, and secondary relationships with others. For example, the primary relationship could be a marriage where partners are only allowed to pursue casual relationships with others.
  • Anarchist poly: These people have fewer “rules” around their activities. People in this kind of relationship don’t have a primary attachment to one person and instead have the freedom to explore any kind of relationship with any person.

How to make a polyamorous relationship work

Like every other relationship, polyamorous relationships require hard work and dedication. Here are five tips for a successful polyamorous relationship, according to Tafelski.

  1. Communicate openly: Communication is always key in relationships, and it’s especially crucial in poly relationships to make sure all parties are informed and consenting. Tafelski recommends that you be honest and transparent when you discuss your feelings, needs, desires, and fears.
  2. Listen actively: Listening is just as important as speaking because it ensures that you understand your partners’ feelings and needs and vice versa. “Meet them where they are from a place of compassion and empathy rather than defensiveness,” says Tafelski.
  3. Check-in with yourself and your partners often: Just because your partner was okay with something last month, doesn’t mean they still are. It’s important to check in with all partners often, and of course, with yourself too, to make sure everything is healthy and everyone is still consenting.
  4. Create a safe space for all the feelings: It’s important to be open to the emotions of your partners. Remember that all feelings, including jealousy, are valid, and they should be attended to.
  5. Renegotiate your “relationship contract” often: Tafelski says poly relationships are constructed by the people in them. You may create a “relationship contract” with your partner or partners. “People change and grow as do their needs. It is useful to periodically review for yourself, and with your partner(s), the relationship contract and adjust according to current needs,” says Tafelski.

Insider’s takeaway

While polyamory certainly isn’t for everybody, it’s a good option for people who want to have a non-traditional relationship that isn’t monogamous. Remember to communicate openly with your partners and ensure that you always have consent in order to keep your relationships healthy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships

— Here’s how to practice it

By Sarah Fielding

  • Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy.
  • Prepare for tantric sex by learning its history, creating a safe space, and practicing mindfulness.
  • To practice on tantric sex, focus on your breath, gaze into each other’s eyes, and slow down.

Have you ever wanted to slow things down in the bedroom and gain a more intimate connection with a partner? If so, you may want to consider tantric sex — a form of intimacy focused on strengthening the ties between you and your partner.

Here’s how to practice tantric sex and tips to integrate the practice into your sex life.

Understanding tantric sex

Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy. It stems from the Sanskrit word tantra, which means woven together, and is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings.

In tantric sex, the goal is not about reaching orgasm quickly (if at all) or about feeling incredible physical pleasure. Instead, tantric sex focuses on creating a genuine mindful connection within yourself and then between you and your partner.

“You feel as if you’re merging together or, rather, that the things that separate you are illusions of the material world,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. “The result of tantric practice is the creation of close bonds with one’s partner, greater awareness of one’s body, and the development of skills such as mindfulness , restraint, and communication.”

Another benefit of tantric sex is its ability to ease anxiety. Traditionally, intimacy can cause performance anxiety around premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the worry about ensuring orgasm.

“That pressure… takes you from being in the moment and in your body, to being in your head,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California.

Tantric sex removes those anxieties. “When [you] are able to redirect focus towards experiencing the sensations of simply being present and connected together, [you] are able to enjoy sex without anxiety or fear,” says Goerlich.

How to prepare for tantric sex

If you’re interested in tantric sex, you should prepare in three main ways.

1. Learn about its history

As with any practice rooted in a specific culture, taking the time to understand its history shows respect for its origin and allows you to embrace it with a fuller understanding.

“We cannot take on the spiritual and religious practices of other cultures without taking the time to honor the origins and understand what we’re doing,” says Goerlich. A great place to start could be this cultural and historical overview of tantra.

2. Practice mindfulness

To prepare for tantric sex, Lewis recommends doing a mindfulness practice to connect with your body, become aware of senses, and slow down — all integral aspects of tantric sex.

This can be done through yoga, meditation , or intentionally focusing on sensations and movements throughout the day.

3. Create a safe environment

If trying tantric sex, create a safe environment where you and a partner feel free to connect with yourselves and each other.

“Somewhere where you can feel uninhibited by distractions, and somewhere that you don’t feel self-conscious about sounds you may make,” says Lewis. “Moaning, grunting, and vocalizing are encouraged with tantric sex, so consider a time when roommates, parents, or children aren’t home.”

Tips to practice tantric sex

Once you’re ready to practice tantric sex, you should keep five tips in mind.

1. Focus on breath

Focusing on breath is an essential component of tantric sex, as it allows for deeper connection. Partners are encouraged to synchronize their breaths, so it almost becomes one movement, says Molly Papp, LMFT, sexologist, a certified sex addiction therapist, and owner of Bella Vida Therapy.

As with most mindfulness practices, the breath also grounds you in the present moment. Try paying attention to a part of your body where you feel the breath, like the belly or chest, and refocus your attention to this part.

2. Gaze into each other’s eyes

Spend time gazing into a partner’s eyes. While continual eye contact isn’t necessary for tantric sex, Papp highly recommends it occur often to help build an intimate connection.

Eye gazing is another way of synchronizing to each other’s energy. To gaze deeper, try focusing on having your right eye connect with their right eye.

3. Slow down

Tantric sex is not a race to an orgasmic finish line, but a chance to slow down and explore each other’s bodies. It can last until you reach orgasm, feel connected, or are emotionally satisfied.

This attitude change relieves a lot of typically felt anxiety. “It is especially great for women because of its focus on slowing things down and waiting for arousal to build,” says Papp. “In an age where we are flooded with unrealistic pressure to feel orgasmic pleasure within minutes, this is freeing for many women.”

4. Engage all five senses

The only “goal” of tantric sex is remaining present and being aware of sensations in the body. To do this, Lewis suggests paying attention to all five of your senses, not just touch.

“Notice how your partner smells, what the curves of their bodies look like, what tastes you pick up in your mouth as you kiss, what it sounds like when they or you moan,” Lewis says. “These are all great ways to become grounded in your body and present in the moment.”

5. Incorporate massage

Sex does not need to be penetrative. “Kissing, touching, holding, rubbing, and more can all lead to a full tantric sexual experience, no penetration necessary,” says Lewis.

Even if you want to incorporate penetrative sex, Goerlich says there’s no reason to rush into it. Start by focusing on markers that keep you present and connected, like massaging or cuddling.

“Prolong this sensory exploration and carry it over into your penetrative sex — if indeed you have penetrative sex,” says Goerlich.

In fact, focusing on other forms of intimacy can help keep anxiety levels down. “Something more sensual rather than sexual could help calm one or both partners,” says Papp. “A cuddle session or massage would help relieve that anxiety and ease the experience.”

Insider’s takeaway

Tantric sex slows down an intimate experience and emphasizes the connection between you and a partner.

The practice involves focusing on the breath, staying present, and creating a safe environment to explore sensual intimacy. Remember the end goal of tantric sex is not orgasm, but being present in the given moment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Teen’s Guide to the Best Birth Control Methods

by Sian Ferguson

If you’re sexually active, or planning on having sex, it’s important to find a form of contraception that works for you. Regardless of your gender, sexual orientation, or genitalia, it’s important to consider which type of birth control to use.

This can be tricky for anyone. And if you’re a teenager who needs contraception, this can be even more difficult. You’ll have to consider other factors, like guardian consent, access, and cost.

The good news is that there are many kinds of contraception out there, each with their own advantages and disadvantages. While a healthcare worker is best equipped to help you figure out what’s best for your individual needs, this brief guide can help you choose a birth control method that works for you.

Before you choose contraception, there are a few things you need to know as a teenager.

There isn’t a ‘right’ age — if you’re ready, you’re ready

There’s no ‘right’ age to start having sex, whether that’s solo (aka masturbation) or partnered.

Some people have sex as teenagers, others wait until their twenties, and others choose to be celibate forever — and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s your choice!

Choosing to have sex is a personal decision, and it’s up to you whether you want to or not. Just remember to practice enthusiastic consent when you’re with your partner(s) and take measures to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Some — not all — methods may require a guardian’s consent

Depending on the method you want to use, you might need consent from a guardian if you’re a minor. Laws on this can vary from state to state, so it’s important to look up the laws where you live or talk with a local healthcare provider.

For more about where you live, check out our comprehensive state-by-state guide.

Some methods may require a pelvic exam

In order to use certain forms of contraception, such as an intrauterine device (IUD), you’ll need a pelvic exam.

During a pelvic exam, a doctor or other healthcare professional will take a look at your vagina and vulva, inspecting the area for signs of infection or other underlying conditions. Pelvic exams usually include a Pap smear.

While a pelvic exam is no big deal for some, other people aren’t comfortable with them. If you fall into the latter camp, you might want to opt for a birth control method that doesn’t require a pelvic exam.

With that said, it’s usually recommended that you have a pelvic exam every year or so after becoming sexually active.

Birth control can also be used for symptom management

Many people use birth control, even when they aren’t sexually active.

The pill is associated with a range of benefits other than simply preventing pregnancy. Some people go on the contraceptive pill, for example, to help reduce acne, heavy periods, and menstrual cramps.

You don’t have to stick with the same method forever

Remember: You don’t have to use the same contraception forever. In fact, many people change methods.

You might change birth control methods because:

  • you start experiencing side effects
  • you’re able to afford a method that works better for you
  • your lifestyle changes

Just make sure you talk with a healthcare professional before you stop using your current method and switch to a new one. They can advise you on the best way to make the transition, ideally minimizing any unwanted side effects during this time.

As with any other age group, there’s no real one-size-fits-all solution. The method you choose depends on what’s convenient for you and what works best with your body. For example, some people might experience side effects with one form of birth control, but not with others.

Here are some of the most popular and easy-to-use birth control methods.

The most accessible method: Condoms

Condoms are probably the most accessible form of birth control to you. They can be bought online or at a supermarket. And, unlike most forms of contraception, you don’t need a prescription.

Unless you have an allergy to latex or the lubricant commonly found on condoms, the side effects are usually pretty rare and mild.

A big advantage of using condoms is that they can also reduce your risk for contracting a STI.

They can also be used alongside other birth control methods, like an IUD and the pill, further reducing your chance of unwanted pregnancy.

However, in order for condoms to be effective, they need to be used correctly and consistently — and it’s not always as easy as it looks. Even if you do use condoms correctly, there’s a chance they’ll break.

The most effective methods: IUDs and implants

The most effective methods are the implant and the IUD. These are long-term birth control methods, but they can be removed early if you prefer.

A huge advantage is that you can get them inserted and then not worry about them. Compared with the pill, which you have to take every day, these options are pretty low-maintenance.

The implant is a matchstick-sized plastic rod that’s inserted under your skin. It releases the hormone progestin, which prevents ovulation.

According to Planned Parenthood, the implant is more than 99 percent effective. You don’t need a pelvic exam to obtain an implant, but you’ll have to see a healthcare professional to get it inserted.

You’ll need a pelvic exam and a prescription for IUD insertion, too.

There are two different kinds of IUDs: the copper IUD and hormonal IUD.

The copper IUD is a non-hormonal method, which is a bonus for those who doesn’t want to use hormonal contraception. The copper repels sperm, which is why it’s effective. The copper IUD can be left in for up to 12 years.

The hormonal IUD can be left in place for 3 to 7 years. It releases progestin, which prevents ovulation. Some people find that the hormonal IUD stops their period or makes it lighter.

With that said, some people find that implants or IUDs cause painful periods and bad PMS. Unfortunately, it isn’t easy to predict how your body will react to these birth control methods.

The most popular method: Contraceptive pills

Oral contraceptive pills are a very popular birth control method. You can use the minipill (progestin only) or the combination pill (progestin and estrogen).

There are some potential drawbacks. First, you have to take them every single day around the same time in order for them to be effective.

Second, some people experience side effects, like acne or breast tenderness, while others find unexpected perks, like lighter periods, less acne, and a more regulated mood.

Plan B and other emergency contraceptives

If you’ve had sex without a condom, or if you used a condom that broke, you might want to use a form of emergency contraception (EC).

Hormonal emergency contraception can include:

A copper IUD can also be used as EC if it’s inserted within 5 days after unprotected sex.

According to Planned Parenthood, emergency IUD insertion reduces the chance of pregnancy by 99 percent. However, you’ll need a healthcare professional to insert the IUD.

Fertility awareness (also called the ‘rhythm method’)

The rhythm method involves tracking your menstrual cycle to find out when you’re fertile. This helps you avoid penis-in-vagina sex — and other activities that may introduce semen to the vaginal canal, like fingering after touching pre-cum or ejaculate — around the fertile period. Doing so can reduce your chances of getting pregnant.

The fertility awareness method combines the rhythm method with observation methods (like tracking your temperature and checking your cervical mucus) to predict ovulation.

The effectiveness of the fertility awareness method depends on a lot of factors, including the method you use and how accurately you chart your cycle and symptoms.

This method can be combined with another method, like condoms, to further reduce your chances of unwanted pregnancy.

PSA: Withdrawal isn’t reliable

The contraception you choose depends on your specific situation. To help you figure out which method is best for you, ask yourself the following questions.

How well does it work?

You’ll want to use a very effective form of birth control. For this reason, it’s probably best to avoid something like the withdrawal method, which is known to be ineffective.

Is it easy to use?

Contraception is only effective when you use it correctly.

The easiest methods to “use” are long-term birth control methods, like the IUD or implant, because you don’t actually have to do anything. Once it’s inserted, you can basically forget about it.

The pill might not be ideal for someone who can’t remember to take it every day. But if this isn’t an issue for you, it could be a good fit.

Condoms aren’t always easy to use at first, but you’ll probably pick it up quickly with a little practice. Take a look at our guide on using condoms correctly for more information.

What are the potential side effects?

You can’t always predict if you’ll experience side effects. However, it’s important to be aware of the potential side effects of the method you choose.

If the side effects feel too uncomfortable or unmanageable for you, you can go off that form of contraception and use another one.

Some forms of hormonal birth control aren’t suitable for people with certain health conditions. Be sure to tell your physician or other care provider about your full medical history, including any underlying conditions or medications you take, so they can take this into consideration.

How much does it cost?

Cost is an important factor. If you aren’t comfortable asking a guardian or other trusted adult for assistance, or if money is tight for you and your family, read our guide to finding low-cost contraception in your state.

Can it prevent STIs?

Preventing pregnancy is only one part of the safer sex conversation.

One way to reduce your risk of contracting an STI is to use a barrier method along with another birth control method. If you aren’t keen on condoms, you and your partner(s) can get tested for STIs together. A local sexual health clinic or Planned Parenthood might be able to help.

While condoms can usually be purchased at your local store, you’ll need to see a healthcare professional to obtain other forms of contraception, like the pill or IUD.

If you have a primary care doctor, they can help you with contraception.

But, if seeing a general practitioner is too costly, or if you aren’t comfortable discussing birth control with your usual doctor, there are other options. This includes local health departments and family planning clinics, like Planned Parenthood.

If you’re a college or university student, they’ll probably have a health clinic that offers free or discounted services.

If you’re an adult helping a teen choose contraception, there are a couple points to remember:

  • Respect their autonomy. Remember that their decision to use birth control or engage in sexual activity is theirs.
  • Keep an open line of communication. Let them know that they’re able to approach you with questions if they need to.
  • Respect their privacy. They might not be comfortable discussing sex and birth control in detail. Be prepared to direct them to a doctor, clinic, or online resources if they have questions they don’t want to ask you.

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If You Have This Body Shape, People Think You Crave More Sex, Says Study

New research reveals how humans are hardwired to judge people differently.

By William Mayle

As economists such as Daniel Kahneman, Ph.D., have long shown, human beings are far from rational beings. We make terrible decisions all the time, fueled by inherent psychological biases that are rooted in ancient human behaviors that are no longer relevant in the modern world—if they were ever even relevant at all. The list of our hardwired cognitive biases is as long as the dictionary, and it’s something that people in the marketing and advertising worlds have long exploited.

After all, this is why that pair of boots you looked at once on a website will follow you around the internet for eternity (you’re 70% more likely to buy them), why prices always seem to end in “.99” (your brain somehow thinks $9.99 is more palatable than $10), and why people convince themselves that forking out for a pricey two-year warranty on a toaster that costs practically nothing at all in the first place is somehow a wise thing to do.

Our biases also impact how we view and judge others on entirely superficial levels, and a recently published study in The Journal of Sex Research—titled “The Influence of Body Shape on Impressions of Sexual Traits”—sought to figure out how our physical body shapes impact how others perceive us in sexual terms. If a person is thinner, heavier, super-skinny, or shaped in a certain way, what knee-jerk judgements do other peoples’ brains rush to? Read on for some of the interesting takeaways from this study. And for more on the fascinating psychology of the human mind, check out why Men Who Wear This Clothing Are More Likely to Cheat, Says New Study.
woman on computer
The study was conducted by researchers at the Observations and Research in Gender and Sexuality Matters Lab (O.R.G.A.S.M.) at Canada’s Kwantlen Polytechnic University. The scientists questioned nearly 900 participants aged 16 to 71, who were shown different types of bodies on a computer—five male, five female. From there, the volunteers were asked attach a number of traits to them, which ranged from personality traits to sexual traits, including promiscuity and aggressiveness. For more on the connection between your mind and your body, see here for The Single Most Effective Way to Work Out Every Day, According to Psychologists.

Strong Man Stretching Arms Behind Back at Sea

According to analysis of the study by PsyPost, men who are “very skinny, fat, or very fat” are not perceived by others to have traits that include “sexual confidence” or “sexual dominance.” Meanwhile, “skinny” males are not only considered to be more attractive sexually but they’re viewed through the lens of confidence and dominance.

Fit and fashion jeans for every silhouette

Women who have an average body shape—or are “very skinny” or “skinny”—are assumed to have “extroverted sexual traits.” But women with large and full figures are too often perceived in a negative light—as sexually desperate or even repressed.

Professional psychologist conducting a consultation

“Our study demonstrates that people infer sexuality-related traits from body shape in systematic ways—in particular, that fat bodies are perceived less positively with regard to sexual traits (more sexually desperate and sexually repressed, among others),” Cory L. Pedersen, Ph.D., a professor at Kwantlen Polytechnic University, explained to PsyPost. “Further, we found that the attributions of sexual stereotypes operate within traditional notions of gendered sexuality (the men should be sexually aggressive and women should be sexually submissive).”

Woman standing amidst a busy office going crowd hooked to their mobile phones. Businesswoman holding her hand bag standing still on a busy street with people walking past her using mobile phones.

“Interestingly, the researchers noted that all of the female body types were positively linked to sexual introversion,” writes PsyPost. “At first, this may seem contradictory, given that some of the female bodies were at the same time linked to extroverted sexual traits.”

The authors explain further in the study: “Though apparently paradoxical, considering the simultaneous positive association of some of these bodies with sexual extroversion, we suggest that this may be representative of the complex double standards society has for women’s sexuality.” For more on the weird nature of your mind, see here for The Secret Trick to Spotting a Liar Every Time, According to Psychologists.

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Real Couples Discuss How Non-Monogamy Benefits Their Relationship

It can be done.

By Kendall Keith

Monogamous relationships are challenging enough in their own right, but not everyone finds them to be compatible with who they are intrinsically. There’s often a moral stigma centered around ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM), and with that comes a disconnect and generalized misconception of what it means to practice it, including equating non-monogamy to commitment phobia, devaluation of multiple partners, and/or sexual promiscuity. According to recent research published in Frontier in Psychology in 2020, people tend to wrongfully assume that those in ENM relationships have worse sexual health than monogamous individuals, when the reality is the former’s sexual health is often no different than anyone else’s.

Now, to be clear, ENM or CNM (which are often used interchangeably), is defined as “a relationship style in which all individuals within the relationship agree to not being monogamous, and all individuals involved in the relationship are aware that it is not a monogamous relationship,” according to The Affirmative Couch, an online platform that advocates for the mental health of LGBTQIA+ individuals. Being in a non-monogamous relationship can actually be of benefit for some people and their partner(s), depending on one’s needs, says Helen,* who works for the video game industry and has been in an ENM relationship with her husband for five years. “The appeal of an ethical non-monogamous relationship [is that it embraces] the idea that love is not a finite resource,” she says to TZR.

People decide to become non-monogamous for various personal reasons, whether that be a lifestyle choice or a part of their identity, and how that is defined depends on the individual. David* (husband of Helen, mentioned above) tells TZR, that the couple originally opened the relationship when he came out as bisexual prior to proposing to his now wife. “She was incredibly supportive, and after listening to a lot of Dan Savage, attending couples therapy, and talking things through, we decided to open our relationship to allow me to explore my bi side,” he explains. “However, our version of an open relationship has evolved significantly over time.” The two now currently define their relationship as a cross between relationship anarchy (a term coined by author Andie Nordgren, meaning the union does not adhere to traditional standards or expectations) and polyamory (a relationship style based on the belief that one can love multiple people).

If you do a little digging, you’ll find that there are many forms in which non-monogamous relationships can take shape. Ahead, ENM partners share tips on how they navigate the style and offer insights on how to be successful in opening up your union.

non-monogamous relationships

Establish Boundaries Everyone Involved Can Agree On

Every consensual non-monogamous relationship has its own set of agreements that works best for everyone involved. “I’ve found that mutually creating and establishing a clear set of boundaries of what is comfortable for each person is crucial,” says Elaine*, a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, who is in an open marriage with her husband of one year, which allows them to date other people non-exclusively. “We are newer to non-monogamy after having been together for almost 11 years and are learning that these agreements can change over time.”

Helen explains that it took her a while to learn that traditional monogamy rules were a crutch for her. “I was using them to provide the illusion of control, and when I realized that the rules were arbitrary and [led to] some deep-rooted insecurities, I challenged myself to unpack and process them over time.” Doing so has allowed Helen and David to be brutally honest about their intentions without asserting any sort of constraint or need for control over the other person involved.

“For me, it’s less about primary versus secondary [rules], and more about what kind of commitments are being made,” says David. “‘Let’s get together when we can’ is different than, ‘I promise to set aside a day per week to see you.’ And ‘our relationship will influence my decision to move somewhere,’ is different than, ‘I will not move without you.’ My relationships have hit all those styles. But the potential for growth is often there — it’s just important that everyone be aware of intent and desires in order to let things evolve ethically.”

Communication Builds A Healthy Foundation

Given the nature of time invested with multiple romantic and/or sexual partners, communication is imperative. “Talking through things, with each other and those who are familiar with non-monogamy, provides a lot of introspection,” David says. Helen agrees, saying ethical non-monogamy has challenged her to keep an open mind and appreciate other people and partners on a deeper level. “I truly had to take a hard look at myself and process a lot of my own insecurities and unlearn a lot of detrimental behaviors,” she says. “I had to become a candid communicator, and I strive to always bring that into all relationships. I try to be more self-aware to understand my reactions and emotions rather than defaulting to something fleeting or thoughtless.”

Suzanne**, who is an actor and works in animation in Toronto, says that it’s freeing to be able to speak frankly on what she’s feeling, as well as her needs and wants, and it allows her to listen and be moved by her partners’ without judgement. “For me, it’s important to all be on the same page,” she says. Suzanne is in a polyamorous triad with her high school sweetheart, Ryan**, and Jayme**, whom she met at her first animation studio job. “We’re polyamorous by definition, but our relationship isn’t open. Sometimes, we fondly refer to it as ‘double-monogamy.’” Suzanne and Ryan decided to open up their relationship to Jayme once she realized she was developing feelings for her and coming to terms with her own bisexuality. “The three of us have found it within ourselves to be able to be supportive to more than one person. It’s just nice to be in love with my two best friends.”

Trust & Patience Are Indispensable

“All the conflicts typically seen in monogamous relationships — jealousy, insecurities, what we’re unhappy with or find lacking, possible infidelities and/or desires, etc., are all brought to the table and openly discussed,” Elaine explains of her non-monogamous arrangement. “It forced us to confront those issues, so we have a better understanding of each other’s intent, while assuring one another our love has not dissipated. In fact, our love and trust has grown significantly in doing so.” She adds that opening up her union alleviates the pressure of having to be everything to one person, something people often tend to unrealistically expect of themselves and their partners while in monogamous relationships.

“Non-monogamy made our relationship more secure,” says David. “We trust each other to raise concerns as needed, and try to not make assumptions. After we realized that our relationship wasn’t threatened by other relationships (be it platonic, sexual, or romantic), the ‘rules’ faded away. At this point, it’s more, ‘I trust you to act in your best interest and not do things that would make others uncomfortable,’ while also being respectful of privacy for the other relationships.”

Helen agrees with her husband. “It required a lot of patience and time to make sure we were evolving together while growing these other relationships,” she says. “I like to meet people where they are without expectations about who they should be or what they should provide. Trust is also a cornerstone of my relationships, and continuously finding ways to build and nurture that are very important to me.”

non-monogomous relationships

Tune Out the Naysayers

Facing the possibility of pushback from friends and family who do not agree with or have trouble understanding consensual non-monogamy is challenging, which means supporting one another and even finding a community within the CNM realm is paramount. “There’s some skepticism from a handful of friends and family,” Suzanne shares. But there’s hope as more people openly discuss what it means to have a successful relationship, monogamous or not. “Everyone close to us has come around, especially when seeing how well we work together as a team. It turns out we have many friends who are also polyamorous, so it’s encouraging to see the ways other people choose to shape their relationships beyond what gets touted as the societal default [monogamy].”

For others, it’s sometimes difficult to be open about their relationship without facing some sort of judgement. “We haven’t told our family for this very reason and have learned to filter out any sort of negative noise to focus on what matters, which is each other,” says Elaine. “People are always going to have something to say about things that typically go against the grain of conventional societal expectations.”

Love Yourself First

As is with any relationship, making sure you are whole is ideal, but that’s often easier said than done when another person of significance enters your world and can lead to negative patterns, such as co-dependency. “One of the key factors in maintaining a healthy, non-monogamous relationship for me is ensuring that your relationship with yourself is solid,” Helen discloses. “It can be challenging to navigate relationships when you are dealing with your own issues of self-love, and a lot of that negativity can project on to your partners, if not addressed.” David agrees and adds, “It’s made us more independent, as it requires a good deal of personal growth. In that respect, it has not only benefited our relationship, but our individual lives as well.”

In a way, monogamy and ethical non-monogamy are a lot more similar than one would think, and that’s a beautiful thing. “I find a lot of joy in building unique experiences with people that can evolve however we decide, without any preconceived notions,” Helen says. “I have discovered a much deeper love and appreciation for my husband that I do not know I would have found if we had decided not to open up. It has truly added another dimension to my life and I am always grateful for having the tools to better myself and share my best self with the people around me.”

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

**Last names have been removed per the participant’s request.

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Keeping sex sexy when you’re trying to conceive

By a class=”byline-link byline-author-name” href=”https://www.insider.com/author/anna-medaris-miller” data-e2e-name=”byline-author-name”>Anna Medaris Miller

  • Sex with the sole goal of getting pregnant can take the fun and connection out of the experience.
  • Find ways to feel sexy without intercourse, sex therapist Ian Kerner said on the Pregnantish podcast. 
  • Seeking sexual moments between ovulation windows can also lead to more relationship fulfillment

Sex therapist Ian Kerner says there are three kinds of sex: recreational, relational, and procreative.

While the first can be fun and experimental and the second builds connection, the procreative type can be stressful, methodical, and often take the place of the other two.

“The move from relational sex to procreative sex can kind of strip out a lot of the other qualities that we’re used to having in sex and introduce a sort of … pressure and and a goal that creates all sorts of anxieties,” Kerner told Andrea Syrtash on her podcast Pregnantish. “And anxiety is the number one enemy of sexual health and sexual function and sexual arousal.”

But there are ways to integrate intimacy and eroticism into your sex life while you’re trying to conceive. Here’s what Kerner, author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex,” told Syrtash he recommends.

Keep having sex or sexual moments when you’re not ovulating

For heterosexual couples trying to conceive but not necessarily dealing with infertility,Syrtash, a sex and relationships writer who serves as editor-in-chief of the website Pregnantish, recommends maintaining intimacy even when the woman isn’t fertile.

That way, “you can keep the sexual connection outside of that ovulation conception window … so that it’s not all about the goal [of getting pregnant],'” she said.

Practically speaking, having sex outside of ovulation — a 24-hour window once a month — also means having it more regularly, and frequency matters, Kerner said. Studies have shown that couples who have sex once a week are most satisfied in their relationships. Any more doesn’t make a difference, but any less is linked with poorer relationship satisfaction.

“Really making that effort to hold on to sex is important,” he said.

Take ‘intercourse discourse’ off the table

Couples going through fertility treatments like IVF have different pressures when it comes to maintaining a satisfying sex life. They don’t have to have intercourse to procreate, and one partner may rarely feel in the mood, thanks to hormones that cause bloating, discomfort, and pain.

Add in the emotional toll of feeling like your body is betraying you, and getting busy in bed is an especially hard sell.

But Kerner says taking intercourse off the table and focusing on other ways to feel connected to and sexual with your partner. That can mean simply eyeing each other in the middle of the day and appreciating what makes the other one sexy, he said. 

“I think it’s absolutely OK to take sex off the table, but what I don’t necessarily think is OK is to lose all sense of sexiness or eroticism, or what I call the erotic thread, which is sort of the the space between sexual events,” Kerner said.

Look for, or plan, willingness windows

Lower the bar for how you think you’re supposed to feel before having sex. Rather than waiting until you’re both super horny, be open to moments when you’re simply willing to explore — again without intercourse necessarily being the end goal.

“You don’t always show up with desire for certain things, but if you recognize that something is important, like your own sexuality or your sexuality with your partner, then you can show up with willingness,” Kerner said. “Have the willingness to allow yourself to start to simmer and percolate some sexual cues.”

As Kerner told Insider’s senior sex and relationships reporter Julia Naftulin, this is what he calls a “willingness window,”

During that time you could read erotic books aloud, watch ethical porn, take a shower, enjoy a makeout session, or look back through photos of earlier in your relationship when you felt sexy. You can do anything that truly sounds fun and sexy to you both, Kerner suggested.

“Once couples or once an individual starts to engage with their sexuality and starts to sort of build up that arousal runway, then it really does lead to desire,” he said on the podcast.

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Does Birth Control Affect Your Sex Drive?

Here’s What You Should Know

by Crystal Raypole

Considering a new method of birth control? You’ve probably also spared a few thoughts (worries, even) for all those potential side effects you’ve heard about, such as decreased libido.

It’s true that nearly every birth control method could cause some type of side effect. Yet for many people, side effects are relatively minor and worth the benefits of:

Any type of birth control might affect libido, though the specific effects you experience can vary depending on the method you choose.

Condoms might factor into vaginal irritation and other discomfort, while spermicide products could cause itching and other irritation.

Hormonal birth control is incredibly effective at preventing pregnancy, but it can also contribute to some unwanted side effects, including decreased libido.

You might generally agree that the benefits of birth control — namely, preventing pregnancy — outweigh a potential decrease in libido. All the same, a noticeable change in sexual desire may not necessarily be, well, desirable.

When it comes to sexuality, your libido is only one part to consider. Physical arousal, the ability to orgasm, and any pain or irritation you experience during sex can all affect your interest in sexual activity.

You could have a high libido, but find it difficult to feel aroused. (Yep, they’re two different things.) Perhaps you don’t have any trouble getting in the mood or experiencing arousal, but you often experience pain during sex. Maybe you have trouble climaxing easily, if at all.

Birth control, especially hormonal varieties, might factor into some of these issues. But — and this is an important “but” to consider — not everyone experiences a decrease in libido when using birth control. Some people, in fact, notice an increased libido.

A few possible explanations for why you may experience a heightened libido:

  • It’s understandable to feel less interested in sex if you’re worried about getting pregnant. Birth control can help relieve those fears, which might then increase your desire for sex.
  • Choosing a method of birth control you don’t have to use right before sex can make it easier to stay in the moment with your partner(s). This can make it easier to fully enjoy yourself without any distractions or worries about finding the right moment to hit pause.
  • If you use hormonal birth control to help ease symptoms of health conditions like polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) or endometriosis, you could also notice a higher libido as your symptoms improve.

A 2013 reviewTrusted Source considered findings from 36 different studies on sexual desire in people using combined oral contraceptives, which are birth control pills that contain both estrogen and progestin.

Among the 8,422 participants who took oral contraceptives, 15 percent, or 1,238 people in total, did report a decrease in libido. But another 1,826 people (just over 21 percent) said their libido increased. The majority of participants reported no change in libido.

Authors of a 2016 reviewTrusted Source considered findings from 103 studies exploring the possible effects of contraceptives on sexuality. They found evidence to support the following positive outcomes:

  • The hormonal IUD may lead to less pain during sex and increased libido after a year of use.
  • Both hormonal and nonhormonal (copper) IUDs may increase libido, physical arousal, satisfaction with sex, and frequency of sexual activity.
  • The vaginal ring has been linked to increased libido, arousal, and sexual satisfaction, along with vaginal lubrication and improved orgasm.
  • The implant may boost arousal, sexual satisfaction, and the ability to achieve orgasm while helping reduce pain during sex and anxiety around sex.
  • Internal condoms can promote greater sexual comfort since they offer improved lubrication, can be placed ahead of time, are less likely to break, and can improve sensation during sex.

Hormonal contraceptives work by releasing pregnancy-preventing hormones into your body. For some people, these hormones might cause various physical and sexual side effects, including:

Any of these side effects can leave you less interested in having sex.

Example

Let’s say you and your partner(s) are cuddling on the sofa. They’re doing that thing you really like with their tongue on your neck, and you think “Yeah, sex might be nice.”

Still, you aren’t all that turned on, and your body isn’t shouting “Yes, now would be good!” like it sometimes does.

Or maybe you started taking the pill to help lighten up painful periods, but over the past several weeks, you’ve started feeling a little low.

In the past, you’ve always aimed to have sex at least once a week, but lately you’ve felt so tired and drained that you haven’t reached out to your partner(s) for nearly a month.

Some experts have theorizedTrusted Source changes in libido may happen because hormonal birth control reduces testosterone in your bodyTrusted Source. But researchers have yet to find conclusive support for this idea.

Many people using contraceptives have lower testosterone levels than those not using contraceptives without experiencing any changes in libido.

To sum up: Researchers haven’t come to any conclusions about how hormonal birth control might directly affect libido. Yet it’s pretty clear that many people do experience some changes.

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Low Sex Drive?

6 Simple Home Remedies to Consider

By Grace Murphy

If your sex life has gotten boring or you are not getting as much action in the bedroom as you and your partner might like these days, the good news is that there are several things that you can do in your everyday life to improve your libido and make sex with your partner more enjoyable. The libido is just another name for your sex drive or sexual desire, and there are various different internal and external factors that can impact it, from your hormone levels to the amount of sleep you are getting, the type of foods that you eat, and the activities that you and your partner take part in together. If you want to enjoy a better sex life, here are some natural remedies that are worth considering.

Try Adult Chat and Videos

You could potentially look into adult chat sites to spice things up with your partner and have some fun trying something new together. Babestation Cams offer adult chat that you can enjoy together with sex cam live options that are sure to help you get in the mood. Sometimes, bringing pornography into your relationship can be a fun way to spice it up and perhaps even get some ideas for what you might want to try together in the bedroom. Check out Babestation Cams to get started talking to professional sex workers who would be happy to help you kick-start your new sex life.

Eat Certain Foods

If your sexual desire is quite low lately, it could be due to the food that you are eating. Although there is not a lot of evidence supporting the idea that certain foods will be good for your sex drive, there’s definitely no harm in giving it a try. Avocado, bananas and figs are considered to be fruits that will help boost your libido, or if you have a sweet tooth, eating chocolate could help since it’s widely considered to be an aphrodisiac. Chocolate releases serotonin and phenethylamine into your body, which can lift your mood and, in some cases, help your sex drive.

Improve Your Self-Confidence

How you feel about yourself can have a huge impact on your sex drive and your ability to enjoy sex with your partner. By taking some steps to improve your self-confidence and self-image, you can also improve your sex life as a result. Shifting your focus from your perceived flaws to the things that you like the most about yourself can help, along with improving your lifestyle in ways that might help you view yourself in a more favourable manner like working out more often or getting a new hairstyle that you love.

Relieve Stress

When you are feeling stressed and anxious, there’s nothing worse for killing your sex drive. And the worst part is that sex can be a good way to relieve stress, but you don’t have any desire for it, creating a vicious cycle. No matter how physically healthy you are, being under a lot of stress can impact your sex drive, particularly for women. There are several things that you can do to relieve stress in your life including meditation, exercising, yoga, and deep breathing exercises.

Communicate Well

The health of your relationship is always going to have an impact on your sex drive and your sex life. If you are in conflict with your partner, chances are that having sex is not going to be the first thing on your mind. This is particularly true for women, who will often experience a higher sex drive when they feel emotionally close and intimate with their partner. Unresolved conflicts can affect the sex life of both men and women, which is why communicating well and resolving issues quickly is essential not only for a healthy relationship, but a healthy sex life. Couples therapy can help if you are struggling with this.

Get Enough Sleep

Last but not least, making sure that you are getting enough sleep at night is not only essential for your general physical and mental health, but also your sexual health and your sex life. When you are feeling tired and exhausted from not getting enough sleep, you probably won’t have much energy for having sex. Being busy can often make it difficult to get enough sleep, and in turn, make it difficult to get intimate with your partner. Boost your energy by going to sleep earlier and taking naps whenever you can. Changing up your diet to increase protein and complex carbohydrates can also help. If you are often too tired for sex at night, consider getting intimate with your partner in the mornings instead, when you have more energy.

A low sex drive can be frustrating for both you and your partner and ultimately have an impact on your relationship. Try these natural ways to boost your libido and enjoy a better sex life.

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Sexual activity linked to higher cognitive function in older age

A joint study by two England universities explores the link between sex and cognitive function with some surprising differences in male and female outcomes in old age.

By Jaimee Bell

  • A joint study by the universities of Coventry and Oxford in England has linked sexual activity with higher cognitive abilities in older age.
  • The results of this study suggest there are significant associations between sexual activity and number sequencing/word recall in men. In women, however, there was a significant association between sexual activity in word recall alone – number sequencing was not impacted.
  • The differences in testosterone (the male sex hormone) and oxytocin (a predominantly female hormone) may factor into why the male cognitive level changes much more during sexual activity in older age.

Countless studies have been done on the health benefits of sex – from an orgasm giving you clearer skin and a boosted immune system, to the physical activity keeping your blood pressure at a healthy level. A lowered risk of heart disease, the ability to block pain, a lowered risk of prostate cancer, less stress which leads to improved sleeping patterns…all of these are proven benefits of sexual activity.

The health benefits of sex have been studied again and again, and yet, there are still new things we’re learning about the benefits on the human body and brain.

Study links sexual activity to higher cognitive function in old age

The results of this study suggest there are significant associations between sexual activity and number sequencing/word recall in men and a significant association between sexual activity in word recall in women.

Cognitive function has been associated with various physical, psychological, and emotional patterns in older adults – from lifestyle to quality of life, loneliness, and mood changes as well as physical activity levels.

A 2016 joint study by the universities of Coventry and Oxford in England has linked sexual activity with higher/better cognitive abilities in older age.

This longitudinal study used a newly available wave of data from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing to explore the connections between sexual activity in the older population (50+) with cognitive function.

The study consisted of 6,833 participants between the ages of 50-89 years old.

Two different cognitive function tests were analyzed:

  • Number sequencing, which broadly relates to the brain’s executive functions.
  • Word recall, which relates to the brain’s memory functions.

The results of these tests were then adjusted to account for each person’s gender, age, education level, wealth, physical activity, and mental health. The reason for this is that the researchers noticed there are often biases in other studies that examine the links between sexual activity and overall health.

For example, in this scenario, without taking those things into account, healthy older Italian men with a continued interest in sex would score higher on these tests. Women, who are more likely to become widowed and lose their sexual partner, would score lower.

The results…

While studying the impact of sexual activity on overall health, there are not many studies that focus on the link between sexual activity and cognitive function, and no other study that focuses on sexual activity and cognitive function in older adults.

The results of this one-of-a-kind study suggest there are significant associations between sexual activity and number sequencing/word recall in men. In women, however, there was a significant association between sexual activity in word recall alone – number sequencing was not impacted.

You can see the breakdown of this information here.

Why were the results for males and females so different?

One of the highlights of this study was exploring the differences sexual activity has in cognitive function in older males and older females.

Exploring the differences when it comes to the improved cognitive ability between the older males and the older females in this study was one of the highlights of the research.

Testosterone versus oxytocin

Testosterone, which is the male sex hormone, reacts very differently to the brain than oxytocin, which is released in females during sexual activity.

Testosterone plays a key role in many different areas such as muscle mass, facial and pubic hair development, and mood changes. It also impacts your sex drive and your verbal memory and thinking ability.

Testosterone belongs to a class of male hormones, and although the ovaries of a woman do produce minimal amounts of testosterone, it’s not enough to compare the impacts on the male and female bodies.

Oxytocin, on the other hand, is produced in the male and female bodies quite similarly, but ultimately the hormone reacts differently in the female body, triggering the portion of the brain responsible for emotion, motivation, and reward.

These differences in testosterone and oxytocin may factor into why the male cognitive level changes much more during sexual activity in older age.

Women’s ability for memory recall remains a mystery…

Another study, this time back in 1997, looked at the relationship between gender and episodic memory. The results of this study proved that women have a higher level of performance on episodic memory tasks (for example, recalling childhood memories) than men. The reason for this was not further explored in this study and has remained something of a mystery, even now.

The female brain deteriorates during menopause.

Women very commonly struggle with memory-related problems during and post-menopause. This could be the reason why the original study proved older men had a higher cognitive ability in number sequencing than older women.

Along with menopause-related cognitive decline, women are also at a higher risk for memory impairment and dementia compared to men.

Lead researcher of the original 2016 study, Dr. Hayley Wright, from Coventry University, explains:

“Every time we do another piece of research we are getting a little bit closer to understanding why this association exists at all, what the underlying mechanisms are and whether there is a ’cause and effect’ relationship between sexual activity and cognitive function in older people.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Swinging?

A Guide to Being In ‘The Lifestyle’

From swapping to sex parties, here are the basics on this form of consensual non-monogamy.

By Maressa Brown

From experimenting with different sex positions to bringing accessories into the bedroom, there are a plethora of steamy ways to take your sex life to the next level. But more and more couples are flirting with the idea of non-monogamy as a way to find fulfillment. In fact, in a 2020 YouGov poll of more than 1,300 U.S. adults, about one-third (32%) said that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree.

“Some form of a non-monogamous relationship dynamic might be for you if the idea of being intimate with more than one partner excites you,” says Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast. “Some folks choose it to spice up their current partnership with newness and aliveness while others may do so to remedy sexual or emotional needs that are not being met in their current relationship.”

It bears noting that ethical non-monogamy can take a variety of forms — one of which is swinging, also referred to as being in “the lifestyle,” a sexual practice that involves engaging in sexual activities with another couple and single people. Here, how this particular type of consensual non-monogamy works and best practices for getting started.

The Basics on Being in “The Lifestyle”

Baldwin explains that a swinger, or someone in “the lifestyle,” is typically:

  • Married and/or heterosexual.
  • In a committed relationship.
  • Open to engaging in sexual activity with other people.
  • Aiming to have a shared experience with their partner.

That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well, says intimacy expert Susan Bratton. And they often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called “key parties”) that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships (most of which were put on hold over the past year due to COVID). 

“Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as ‘unicorns’ — but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys,” she notes.

You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search, but the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time to establish yourself as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group, explains Bratton.

What Swinging Involves In Practice

While swinging, partners might engage in “same room” sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves, explains Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, who adds that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in “separate room” sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Although partners might go their separate ways, says Baldwin, the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that somehow fuels more fire into the partnership.

There are also several levels of partner swapping that swingers will engage in, according to Melancon:

A “soft swap”: Involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.

A “full swap” or “hard swap”: Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal, depending on preferences).

“Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, so to speak, while for others they simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship,” explains Melancon, who adds that the level at which a couple is willing to swap could be related to either preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.

The Difference Between Swinging vs. an Open Relationship vs. Polyamory

While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don’t necessarily define their relationship as “open.” Think of “open relationship” as a bit of an umbrella term, suggests Baldwin. “It can encompass everything from purely sexual no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections,” she notes. And open relationships are more about satisfying each person’s unique needs, while swinging is a “team effort.” 

A third form of consensual non-monogamy: Polyamory, which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership, says Baldwin. “It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships, and even multiple committed partners,” she says.

How to Know if Swinging Is Right for You

If you’re unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most, reflect on whether you’re craving a shared experience with your partner, you might want to try swinging.

But if you want to exercise your own sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship, you might be more interested in an open relationship. And if you want to connect with and even love multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet, says Baldwin.

How to Start Swinging

Consider taking the following steps to dip your toe into the lifestyle.

1. Talk to your partner.

Once you’ve concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. “If they are a ‘maybe’ or a ‘yes,’ be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs,” suggests Baldwin.

And note that getting a “yes” from your partner is crucial. “Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging,” says Melancon. “If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure.” Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a “big red flag,” she points out.

2. The more communication, the better.

Prepare yourself for communicating more than you did when you were monogamous. “Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space,” says Baldwin.

For example, you’ll want to discuss rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you’re OK with. “It is essential to be comfortable discussing boundaries (i.e., ‘I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse’) and preferences (i.e., ‘I would find it really hot to watch you have sex with another woman’) with your partner,” says Melancon.

And make sure to go over safe sex practices (condoms, dental dams, and birth control) related to STI and pregnancy risk, says Melancon, who adds that regular STI testing is recommended for anyone engaging in sex with multiple partners. 

3. Take small steps.

Baldwin suggests starting out with “smaller, more tame experiences” — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you’ll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for both you and your partner(s).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex Is Different When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

— Here’s How

by Sarah Lempa

For starters, even feather-light touch hits differently when you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Powerful physical sensations, plus a need for deep concentration and actual connection, are often hallmarks of intimacy for HSPs.

Here’s the deal: An HSP’s nervous system processes external stimuli much deeper than others.

Scientifically named sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), it’s a completely normal genetic trait brought to light by clinical psychologist Elaine Aron in the ‘90s.

Personally, I like to say it turns up the volume of life: emotions, physical touch, sense of smell, you name it.

And, yeah, it sounds fancy and all, but we’re really not uncommon. According to Aron, HSPs make up about 15 to 20 percent of the world’s population.

Of course, high sensitivity isn’t a sole determinant of one’s sexual experiences.

The HSP experience varies so much from person to person, and it’s often dependent on a number of different factors.

These takeaways are based on my own experiences as an HSP.

Trust is a big deal, and having an actual connection is integral. I can’t speak for every sensitive soul out there, but I need to feel both physical and mental attraction to really get into intimacy.

Without it, sex feels incredibly pointless — more like some bizarre type of disconnected, yet mutual, masturbation than an experience of embodied pleasure. Hard pass.

After some trial and error, I finally figured this out in my mid-twenties. Now, I’m just not down to be with anyone I don’t feel a connection with.

And, for that exact reason, I highly recommend keeping a vibrator (or two, or three, or, ya know, seven) nearby until someone you truly fancy saunters into your life.

We might get irrationally bothered over a scratchy clothing tag, but it’s made up for by the undulating waves of pleasure that douse our bodies during intimacy (when we’re with the right people — who can be hard to find).

“The heightened nervous system rewards HSPs with extremely powerful orgasms,” explains Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Couples Candy.

“Particularly when slower and drawn-out sexual movements are made around erogenous zones with many nerve endings.”

Our physical pleasure is all in the details. So, that’s a resounding yes to starting slow, subtle, and with consent, as always. Delicate yet deliberate; I can’t think of a more winning combination.

The best sex, to us, is built up over time and ideally has a sprinkle of mystery. That’s not to say there isn’t room for daring adventures — it just takes the right combination and lead up.

Even outside the bedroom, HSP sexuality can be one hell of a force. Our inner worlds can whisk us to faraway places, sometimes delving into deliciously indulgent memories or fantasies for the future.

And, honestly, at this point I’m having a hard time concentrating on writing this section.

Deep pleasure takes a lot of concentration for us. Sometimes, little things can throw off our sensual groove, putting us into a fog of “now I’m not really feeling it.”

“HSPs can move from deeply engaged to disconnected at a moment’s notice,” Harrison explains. “A single rough touch or distracting noise can totally ruin the experience.”

A self-identified HSP, Harrison adds, “we’re so aware of external stimuli and emotions that managing the personal experience can become difficult with interruptions.”

RIP to that one brewing orgasm ruined by my partner’s dog jumping on the foot of the bed.

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the power of a really good sex playlist to minimize background distractions.

The HSP tendency to overthink is rife. Sex is no exception. Even in the most, uh, engaging situations.

Not only are we analyzing every fiber of our own sensations, we’re simultaneously trying to imagine how it’s all going from our partner’s perspective.

Emily Stone, PhD, LMFT, the founder and senior clinician at The Unstuck Group, knows it well. Stone says that HSPs sometimes have a “tendency to endure” in their relationships.

It’s not uncommon for us to neglect our own needs because we’re more so thinking about our partner’s experience, which can lead to getting lost in a sexual sea of thought.

When it all lines up right though, Stone says “an HSP’s gifts can bring delight, passion, and depth to the sexual experience in ways that no one else can.” Damn straight.

A good orgasm can send us into a buzzy haze of indulgence, and we might just devolve into a complete blob afterwards.

In “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love,” Aron explains that HSP folks might “find it difficult to go right back to normal life after sex.”

That’s because we’ve just gone through massive amounts of stimulation, and it’s probably all we’ll think about for at least the next hour or so.

That project you were working on? Yeah, probs not gonna happen anymore.

Open dialogue really is the golden ticket here, and it’s a two-way street.

While it’s taken me time to learn how to speak up about what I like and don’t like in the sheets, that assertion has helped my relationships greatly. It’s something we can all benefit from, regardless of where one falls on the sensitivity scale.

According to Shari Botwin, LCSW, a licensed therapist who’s worked with many HSPs, “non-HSPs need to be open to understanding their partner’s experience.”

“They need to be open to listening and communicating feelings before, during, and after intimacy,” she says.

You heard her: Don’t be shy.

The same goes for HSPs. It’s our responsibility to tell our partners what’s working and what isn’t — without worrying about upsetting them. Again, assert yourself. Your desires are worth it.

High sensitivity is a unique gift, and I’ll always see it that way.

It may take some extra self-discovery and communication to ensure your sexual needs are met. But, hey, what would any sex be without those two things? Nowhere near as good, that’s for sure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What It Really Means to Have Sexual Chemistry with Someone

You can feel it. But can you define it? Learn how important sexual chemistry is to your relationship.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Sexual chemistry is one of those things that you know when you feel it. It’s that desire to (consensually) make out with or rip the skivvies off any James Dean lookalike that passes by. Or, that unexpected shock and surge that hits your senses when you brush arms with a the hottie sitting next to you on the subway.

But putting the all-consuming affliction into words proves challenging. (Seriously, could you define sexual chemistry right now if someone asked?) What is sexual chemistry, specifically, and what’s behind this magic, magnetic experience? Better yet, how necessary is it for a good and lasting relationship? Read on for a crib sheet on sexual chemistry, according to pros.

Sexual Chemistry, Defined

“Sexual chemistry is the very strong but ineffable feeling that you feel in your body when you’re attracted to someone,” says Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and creator of Uncensored with Dr. Zhana, an online event series on sex and relationships.

Typically, this attraction is physical, but it can also be intellectual or emotional. Someone who is sapiosexual (meaning they’re first and foremost sexually and emotionally attracted to intelligent people), for example, might feel sexual chemistry with someone who they deem brainy or brilliant, explains Vranglova. On the other hand, someone who is greysexual and biromantic (meaning they rarely experience sexual attraction but have the potential to experience romantic inclinations toward people of two or more genders), might feel sexual chemistry with someone they want to wine and dine.

When you feel it, though, sexual chemistry is intense, says Vranglova. “It’s intoxicating, it’s distracting, and it can become all-consuming.” Psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D., resident expert with Love Honey agrees, adding that it can be, “electric,” “hypnotic,” and “irresistible.”

What Does Sexual Chemistry Feel Like?

Usually, you might register that you have sexual chemistry with someone because of the physical symptoms you experience when you see, feel, hear, think about, or smell the person. “Belly butterflies, dilated pupils, increased heart rate, spiked blood pressure, flushed skin, and perspiration are all common physical responses to feeling sexual chemistry with someone,” says Vranglova.

Sexual chemistry can also spur the symptoms you experience when you’re turned on, such as harder nipples, increased blood flow to the genitals, swollen and/or erect external genitals, and increased vaginal lubrication, she says.

What Causes Sexual Chemistry?

Unfortunately, there’s been very little scientific research exploring the causes of sexual chemistry. But Vranglova suspects it’s a combination of a few different things, including:

  • Biological factors: physical appearance, hormone levels, pheromones (chemical substances produced and released by animals, including humans, to stimulate other individuals of the same species)
  • Social factors: how similar someone looks to what you’ve been taught is attractive (via cultural beauty standards)
  • Developmental factors: whether someone reminds you of an earlier pleasurable experience or someone/something familiar or comforting

Is Sexual Chemistry Always Immediate?

While you might instantly feel sexual chemistry with someone — for example, the cutie who just walked into the restaurant, or the model you passed on the street — sexual chemistry can also develop over time, according to Vranglova.

Someone who is demisexual (meaning they only have the potential to experience sexual desire toward someone if an emotional relationship has been firmly established), might not experience sexual chemistry with someone until a year (or more!) into an emotionally tight relationship, she says. (Related: What’s the Deal with Asexuality?)

Other people — even if they don’t identify as demisexual — may not experience sexual chemistry with someone until further into their relationship. “Consider any couples you know who were best friends for 10 years before starting to date and have sex,” she says. “For these couples, the sexual chemistry was not instant, but built over time.”

Sexual Chemistry Can Be One-Sided

“It is absolutely possible for one person to feel like they have sexual chemistry with someone, and for that feeling not to be reciprocated,” says Vranglova. Which makes sense: Just because I get the tingles when I see Ruby Rose doesn’t mean she experiences the same sensation when she spots my author pic at the end of an article about lesbian sex.

If you’re curious whether someone you feel sexually and chemically drawn to feels the same toward you, Fleming suggests looking for hints such as sustained eye contact, shared laughter, lingering physical touch, and verbal flirts — or hey, just ask.

Yes, the best way to learn if the rush is reciprocal is to simply ask, says Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. You might say, “I find myself feeling really sexually drawn to you. Are you experiencing something similar?” or, “I noticed that we both go out of the way to touch each other more than I do with my other friends. Have you noticed that, too? Are you interested in being more than friends? Or have I misread the situation?”

Is Sexual Chemistry Necessary for a Relationship?

The short answer is nope! “We can’t make generalizations like that for all relationships,” says Kahn. “There are many people for whom sex and sexual chemistry aren’t important ingredients in order to have a successful, stable, and loving relationship,” says Vranglova.

The better question is if sexual chemistry is a must for you in your relationship(s), says Kahn. And for the record: It’s totally valid if sex and sexual chemistry are important relationship components for you.

Some questions to ask yourself as you determine whether or not sexual chemistry is important for you in a relationship:

  1. What are my priorities in my relationship(s)?
  2. What role does partnered sex play in my life? How do I feel during, after, and before having it?
  3. In an ideal world, how often would I be having partnered sex?
  4. Do I need the sex I have to be with my romantic partner(s)? Can I see myself exploring an open relationship or polyamory?
  5. What are my favorite ways to explore intimacy?

It’s important to note that while sexual chemistry is an essential ingredient in a relationship for some, unless a relationship is strictly sexual, sexual chemistry alone is not sufficient for a lasting, happy, and supportive relationship, says Fleming. “For a relationship to be sustainable, we usually need for it to be built on more than just sexual chemistry,” she says. (You’ll need things like communication, trust, mutual respect, and shared values, just to name a few.)

Sexual Chemistry Can Be Cultivated… to An Extent

Can sexual chemistry be erected between two people who aren’t even a little attracted to each other? Eh, probably not. But because we’re defining sexual chemistry as a feeling of attraction for someone that can be either instant or cultivated over time, it is possible to foster more sexual chemistry. Here’s how.

1. Be emotionally vulnerable.

“Self-disclosure can enhance physical attraction,” says Fleming. Sharing #deep info with your partner about your childhood, career aspirations, insecurities, and inner-most thoughts can promote a feeling of closeness that can foster greater intimacy — especially when the other person reciprocates, she says.

2. Let yourself fall in love.

Can you fall in love with someone with whom the sexual chemistry is just “meh” with? Actually, yes. “There’s a belief that first comes good sex, then comes good love, but that doesn’t have to be the order of things,” says Fleming.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Specifically, about sex! If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to make sex better, it’s talking about it. Throughout sexual play invite your partner to share their preferences, and unabashedly share yours. You might say:

  • “Ooh it feels so good when you [X]. Can you keep doing that?”
  • “Keep doing that!!”
  • “I’m not feeling ready for penetration yet, can we start with a little 69-ing?”
  • “I love the way it felt when you tasted me while teasing my ass last time… are you up for doing that again?”
  • “Can we add a little more lube.”

The takeaway? You can’t force sexual chemistry, especially if the other person isn’t into it. But before you write off a new app match, potential suitor, or friend because “the sexual chemistry just isn’t there,” give it a sec — there’s more to it than instant attraction, and the way it can build just might surprise you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!