Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Your Guide To Sex & Intimacy After Giving Birth

by Sarah Regan

There are a number of things to consider when having sex after giving birth, from how soon you can actually do it to what bodily and hormonal changes you should expect. So, we asked experts for their best sex advice in the weeks following delivery.

How soon after birth is it OK to have sex?

It’s generally recommended that women wait six weeks to have intercourse after delivery, functional medicine gynecologist Wendie Trubow, M.D., MBA, tells mbg. “The tissue can take four to six weeks to fully heal—either vaginal or cesarean tissue—so it’s best to wait the full six weeks.”

Always double-check with your doctor when it comes to individual needs and timeline, though. And as certified sex therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson, LCSW, CST, adds, you also want to listen to your body. “It really depends on the individual, and you may need more than six weeks, and that’s perfectly OK,” she says.

You might be wondering if having sex after giving birth is painful. It can be, according to Trubow, which is why it’s important to give yourself time to heal, as well as to be mindful when you do have sex. “The vagina may be tender if a woman had any tearing, so it’s important to not rush,” she says, adding that it may be important not to jump right into vaginal intercourse without engaging in some other sexual play first.

2. It might take longer to get aroused.

“Because nursing often suppresses ovulation, women typically feel like their libido is less when nursing,” Trubow explains. “It’s still possible to become aroused and have an orgasm; it just may take longer.”

Having a new baby is also obviously an exhausting change, she adds, which can also take a toll on libido. “Women often need more [warming up] when in the immediate postpartum time since their focus is often on their newborn,” she explains.

Take the time you need to turn yourself on, and get creative with your partners building up sexual desire.

3. You might want to spend more time with different types of sexual play.

Trubow recommends prioritizing sexual activities other than intercourse, aka what some people refer to as “foreplay.” She adds that it can take up to 30 minutes for a woman’s vagina to lengthen fully through arousal and stimulation, so if vaginal intercourse is something you want to engage in, it’s important to start with some other fun sexual play first. “And that makes intercourse more pleasurable and less uncomfortable,” she explains.

4. You can get pregnant postpartum.

Yes, you can get pregnant postpartum, Trubow says. Nursing does often inhibit ovulation, though not always, she says. You also ovulate before you have your first period post-delivery. “So, if you have unprotected intercourse and think you’re fine since you haven’t had a period yet, you could get pregnant if you’re ovulating, and you wouldn’t know it for a while,” she explains. So she says it’s important to use protection to prevent an immediate pregnancy, in case a woman is quick to ovulate after delivery.

5. You may experience higher libido when you ovulate.

While libido may be lower following delivery and during nursing, women may experience higher libido when they start to ovulate again, according to Trubow. You may notice a boost to your libido during ovulation, so that may be a good time to prioritize sex.

6. Your body is going through a lot.

It’s important to give yourself grace and have realistic expectations around sex after delivery, according to Blaylock-Johnson. “Your body may not do exactly the things it did before childbirth, but you can still have pleasurable, enjoyable sexual experiences,” she says.

She adds that fluctuating hormones can affect not only your libido but how well you naturally lubricate, and more. If you didn’t have any challenges with that before childbirth, you may have some challenges now, and that’s OK, she adds.

Tips for enhancing the experience:

1. Nurse first.

According to Trubow, if a woman is nursing, “it’s often helpful to nurse and then empty the breasts by pumping, to avoid having a milk letdown with nipple stimulation.”

2. Take your time.

Trubow also advises taking your time when it comes to postpartum sex, both in terms of how long you wait after delivery but also taking your time during the sex itself. If you want to wait longer than six weeks to have sex, that’s totally OK, she notes. And during intercourse, “if there is vaginal penetration, go slowly at the beginning,” she adds.

3. Don’t jump straight into intercourse.

There are many different kinds of sex to enjoy, only one of which is penis-in-vagina intercourse, notes Blaylock-Johnson. Even if that’s one sexual act that you’re definitely wanting to have, Trubow says it’s important to start with other types of sexual play. Not only is clitoral stimulation more likely to make a woman reach orgasm, but it’ll also help the vagina to lengthen so penetration is more comfortable. Again, it can take up to 30 minutes of arousal and stimulation for the vagina to lengthen fully.

4. Figure out positions that feel good for you.

After the healing period, Trubow says most positions should be fine. That said, she notes, “sometimes after a cesarean section, positions that minimize the depth of penetration are more comfortable,” so you may want to avoid legs over the partner’s shoulders or doggy style.

5. Try pelvic floor exercises.

According to Blaylock-Johnson, it’s not a bad idea to work your pelvic floor muscles post-delivery, and even consider working with a pelvic floor physical therapist if needed. “Kegels are great, but I think taking it a step further and working with a pelvic floor physical therapist can be beneficial,” she says, so you ensure you’re working and rehabilitating those muscles properly.

6. Use lubricant.

Because vaginal dryness isn’t uncommon following delivery, both Blaylock-Johnson and Trubow recommend using lubricant when you need it. “It’s perfectly OK to find a lube that works well with your body,” Blaylock-Johnson tells mbg. She adds that if you’re not using barrier methods with your partner, coconut oil as lube works well. If you are using protection, however, “then look at a good water-based or silicone-based lube,” she says. (Here are our fave natural lubes.)

7. Experiment.

Last but certainly not least, a new baby brings many changes, including to your sex life, so take some time to figure out what works for you now. And as Blaylock-Johnson notes, you don’t have to limit your sexual experiences solely to intercourse, either. “There are so many other ways you can experience pleasure outside of penis-and-vagina intercourse,” she adds.

Why maintaining intimacy is important.

In the days, weeks, months, and (let’s be honest) even years following the birth of a child, it’s important for parents to continually work on maintaining an intimate relationship as partners. And that doesn’t just mean sexual intimacy, though it’s certainly a factor.

Make time for each other, Blaylock-Johnson recommends—for sex but also just to be together and connect. “I often see couples becoming so lost in the new role of parent that they forget to be partners, so it’s important that you prioritize time to connect,” she notes.

Even if it’s just taking a few minutes while your baby is sleeping, sit down and check in with each other, she suggests. “And if you have the luxury of having someone to help with child care,” she adds, “then definitely set up date nights if you can.”

In short, she recommends maximizing your time together, especially away from screens. “If you can just prioritize that time to be partners outside of parents,” she says, “that will help keep the spark alive.”

The bottom line.

Having a baby affects virtually every area of your life, including your sex life. But that doesn’t mean your sex life has to suffer—and neither does the intimacy between you and your partner. Understanding what’s happening with your body, taking it slow, and experimenting with what works will all help as you and your partner get back into the groove while navigating having a new child.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Foods to Cure Erectile Dysfunction

By Molly Burford

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a condition in which the penis cannot obtain, or sustain, an erection firm enough for sex. ED is more common in older populations, affecting 44% of people with a penis ages 60 to 69, compared to 5% of those under age 40. However, cases of ED in younger age groups are becoming more prevalent.1

While occasional occurrences of ED are common, it becomes a cause of concern if it happens more than 50% of the time. This means there may be an underlying psychological or physical issue that needs to be addressed.2 There are a number of potential causes of ED, and more than one factor may be to blame.

One of the biggest causes of ED is a lack of blood flow to the penis, which can happen due to high blood pressure (hypertension) or hardened arteries (atherosclerosis). As it turns out, diet can help both of these conditions, which in turn can help improve ED symptoms.

Read on below to learn more about how your diet may play a role in ED and what foods can help improve the condition.

Foods That Help Erectile Dysfunction

Spinach

Spinach is a low-calorie, leafy green vegetable with a high density of various vitamins and minerals, including potassium, magnesium, vitamin A, vitamin K, vitamin B2, vitamin C, calcium, and more.

Spinach also contains a substantial amount of folate, which is also known as vitamin B9. A 1-cup serving of raw spinach contains 58 micrograms (mcg) of folate. Folate deficiencies have been linked to ED.3
<h3″>Avocado

Avocado is a high-calorie, nutrient-dense fruit. It is an excellent source of magnesium, potassium, vitamin C, and vitamin K.

When it comes to ED, avocados also contain a rich amount of vitamin E. A 100 gram (g) serving of avocado contains 2.7 milligrams (mg) of vitamin E.4 A 2021 study found vitamin E and ginseng improved symptoms of ED after six weeks.5 The researchers hypothesized vitamin E and ginseng would be beneficial in cases of ED due to their antioxidant properties.

Watermelon

Watermelon is a water-dense, low-calorie fruit that’s composed of 92% water. It contains citrulline, a compound known to help relax blood vessels and improve blood flow.

A 2018 study found that study participants that supplemented their ED medication (like Viagra) with L-citrulline-resveratrol saw improvements.6

Dark Chocolate

Dark chocolate isn’t just delicious. It is also packed with flavonoids, an antioxidant, which may reduce the risk of someone developing ED

In 2018, a study showed that participants who ate 50 milligrams (mg) or more of flavonoids daily were 32% less likely to report symptoms of ED.7A Word From Verywell

ED can, understandably, be a frustrating and concerning experience. However, there are steps individuals can take to enhance their reproductive health. One area often forgotten is diet.

Research shows that eating a balanced diet is vital for overall health, and sexual health is no exception. Incorporating more nutritious foods such as spinach, watermelon, olive oil, salmon, and others may help improve symptoms of ED.

Talk to your doctor about your concerns. Again, while bouts of ED are common, repeated instances may signify an underlying physical or psychological issue that needs to be taken care of.

  1. Rastrelli G, Maggi M. Erectile dysfunction in fit and healthy young men: psychological or pathological? Transl Androl Urol. 2017;6(1):79-90. doi:10.21037/tau.2016.09.06
  2. Cleveland Clinic. Erectile dysfunction. Updated October 14, 2019.
  3. Karabakan M, Erkmen AE, Guzel O, Aktas BK, Bozkurt A, Akdemir S. Association between serum folic acid level and erectile dysfunction. Andrologia. 2016;48(5):532-535. doi:10.1111/andr.12672
  4. U.S. Department of Agriculture. Avocados, raw, all commercial varieties. Updated April 2019.
  5. Vitamin E and ginseng combined supplement for treatment of male erectile dysfunction: A double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized, clinical trial. Advances in Integrative Medicine. 2021;8(1):44-49. doi:10.1016/j.aimed.2019.12.001
  6. Shirai M, Hiramatsu I, Aoki Y, et al. Oral l-citrulline and transresveratrol supplementation improves erectile function in men with phosphodiesterase 5 inhibitors: a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled crossover pilot study. Sex Med. 2018;6(4):291-296. doi:10.1016/j.esxm.2018.07.001
  7. Mykoniatis I, Grammatikopoulou MG, Bouras E, et al. Sexual dysfunction among young men: overview of dietary components associated with erectile dysfunction. J Sex Med. 2018;15(2):176-182. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2017.12.008

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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These 3 Issues Can End Relationships

— But Here’s How To Overcome Them

By Jason Wachob

Every relationship has its nuances, and we should give up the notion that a “successful” partnership has a specific set of criteria. “It’s very important that we not develop a norm of what we think is the relationship that is perfect [versus] the relationship that is beyond repair,” says psychotherapist and world-renowned relationship expert Esther Perel on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. A glaring red flag for you might not be as big of a deal to another (except for abuse, which should be taken very seriously)—so let’s remove the shame and comparison from the conversation upfront.

However, experts (including Perel) do come across common issues that, if constant, can potentially sever the bond over time. Below, she identifies a few of these obstacles, as well as how to overcome them as a pair. Consider this your crash course on lifelong love (Perel has a more detailed class, too, if you’d like even more actionable steps):

1. Trouble communicating.

You’ve likely heard it once or twice before: Healthy communication is nonnegotiable for a successful relationship. In fact, a lack of communication can sneakily ruin relationships over time.

Of course, “communication issues” can mean different things for different couples: “There are a lot of reasons why we don’t communicate well,” says Perel. “One is that we are often more invested in what we need to say than in what we need to listen to and hear. We often talk without paying enough attention to how the other person is registering what we are saying.” That said, take a minute to check in with your partner before striking up a conversation: What is the other person trying to tell you, perhaps with no words at all (facial expressions, body language, etc.)?

Another layer to the issue is expectation, says Perel: “If I, in advance, feel that you fundamentally don’t really value what I have to say, that is going to change all my communication,” she notes. “The emotional undercurrent of expectations that we bring to the relationship is going to block communication.”

Finally, she mentions confirmation bias. “We tend to hear that which reinforces our preexisting beliefs rather than pay attention to change,” Perel explains. So often one partner will say something that triggers the other, and the two go back and forth in a feedback loop of conflicting assumptions rather than actually listening to one another. That said: “Try to actually not look for what you already are used to seeing or hearing,” says Perel. “See if you can hear something else, and then communication [will] open up.”

2. Growing apart.

It’s a common fallout for long-term relationships: We just grew apart. What does this actually mean, though? According to Perel, it’s not that couples must have the same exact interests and passions—they simply must share in each other’s excitement with genuine interest and curiosity.

“It’s not the fact that I’m interested in this and you’re not,” she says. “It’s that when I try to engage you in the thing that I’m interested in, you’re not interested in me. Day after day after day, [I’ll] start to feel like, ‘If I’m here or not here, what difference does it make? Do I exist for you?'” She adds, “When you start to have the sense that the other person barely notices when you enter the house and when you leave the house, it’s deadly.”

3. Losing the spark.

Another common question Perel hears all the time: How do you keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship? The answer isn’t so clear-cut, but she declares that relationships require give and take—you need tasks that are familiar, cozy, and comfortable to solidify the foundation, but you also need adventures, healthy risks, and crossing thresholds to keep the eroticism alive.

“Curiosity, novelty, playfulness—it’s that whole other dimension of life that is not about management,” says Perel. “Family life wants consistency and routine and predictability—and that’s great for the kids—but the couple actually needs very different things… What makes for good parents is not the same as what maintains the spark.”

That sense of curiosity is different for every couple: For one pair, perhaps a boating trip sets your heart aflutter; for another, it’s a long and challenging hike up a mountain; for others, it’s reading certain books and having a thought-provoking discussion. Whatever it is, “it has to do with exploration,” says Perel. “Like children, we grow through exploration by entering the world a little bit more—our inner world and the world around us.”

The takeaway.

The most common issues in relationships are not impossible to overcome, says Perel. Her parting words of advice? “Relationships are like plants…they do demand attention. Otherwise, they’re left languishing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here for a good time or a long time?

Dogs in dating profile photos reveal men’s commitment levels

By

Men and women who are seeking relationships online are asked to indicate what they want in a relationship, whether they are seeking “just friends,” “uncommitted relationships” or “long-term leading to marriage.” There’s an art to creating profiles, including uploading photographs to prompt a potential mate to indicate interest.

People can describe themselves and their ideal relationship in a wide variety of ways, sometimes less than honestly, including exaggerating characteristics that they think are desirable. Most people do not dramatically lie, however. Instead, they use minor deceptions or small exaggerations.

Altering photos by using filters is a common way to improve one’s portrayed physical appearance. However, online dating companies have been taking a hard stance and not permitting photos that have been filtered or altered on profiles because the wide majority of daters find the use of filters deceptive. Presumably, then, online daters provide photos that are accurate and speak to their interests and intentions.

Looking for commitment?

My colleagues, Mackenzie Zinck and Laura Weir, and I examined online dating photos in July and August 2020 in Nova Scotia. We looked at 250 women and 250 men seeking long-term relationships, and 250 men seeking short-term relationships. We did not include women seeking short-term relationships because there were only 46 in the entire province advertising this intention; we did not have any predictions about the content of their photographs, so we omitted them from the main study.

We predicted that men seeking long-term relationships would include images of dependants — children or dogs, cats or other pets — more than men seeking short-term relationships, and more than women. We argued that cross-sex mind-reading — the ability to imagine what members of the opposite sex are thinking when it comes to mating — would lead men to want to advertise that they can provide care to a dependant over the long term when they were seeking a long-term relationship.

Indeed, we did find that men looking for a lasting partnership were more likely to include images of children or dogs (or mention them) in their profiles than men seeking short-term relationships.

a woman holding a phone sits on a boardwalk with a man and a dog
Men who included dogs in their online dating profile photos were more likely to be interested in a long-term relationship.

Women, though, surprised us.

We had predicted that women would be less likely to show dependants because they would want to avoid being considered a burden, or that another man’s child would need care and time. We thought women would feel a need to protect their children, or at least not display them from the outset in a public venue among strangers.

Instead, we found that both men and women seeking long-term relationships showed dependants relatively equally, although men were more likely to show a dog, and women a child.

Photographic research

Studying photos of online daters is not new. A decade ago, my students and I analyzed the photos of 300 online dating profiles in terms of the types of relationships men and women were seeking. Women, regardless of the type of relationship they sought, consistently smiled more than men, wore less clothing and revealed more skin.

Meanwhile, men were consistently more likely to have grey hair, use an upward facing camera angle (potentially to make themselves look taller and broader-chested), flex their muscles and use an outdoor setting. Men seeking long-term relationships were more likely than any other group to wear eyeglasses, especially compared to those seeking an intimate connection. People seeking short-term, primarily sexual relationships rarely included other individuals in their photos, compared to those looking for dates or long-term relationships.

A woman's hand holds a phone showing a photograph of a man wearing glasses and a black muscle tee
Men were more likely to flex their muscles in photos uploaded to their dating profiles.

Why dogs?

What is novel in this current work, though, is that dogs are so commonly displayed compared to other animals by men seeking long-term relationships. One possibility is that cats, the next logical choice, are often equated with femininity. Men who pose with cats are perceived by women as less masculine, more neurotic and less desirable.

What does this mean? When deciding which photos to select for an online dating profile, there are advantages to thinking carefully about image beyond mere physical appearance. What our findings show is that online daters offer insights into their values, and how they spend their time, by what they include (or omit) from their profile photos.

While sex appeal is certainly a noteworthy goal in online dating, so too is communication. If someone is showing dogs or children in their photos, they are communicating their interests in a way that does not match a display of a bare chest, which may be about advertising physical strength, potential fitness and sexuality.

Indeed, most men think women like that sort of photo, but the vast majority do not. Likewise, men posting photos of their expensive vehicle, perhaps hoping to signal wealth and status, often find themselves shunned by women, at least on Tinder.

Dogs, in contrast, are different, reliable, require responsibility and a safe inclusion that does not turn women off. They are not seen as a way of bragging, or showing a body that is so ripped it makes women feel they cannot compare. Perhaps men should think less about asking their “wing-man” to join them when looking for a date, and instead consider taking their dog.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When Anxiety Joins You in Bed

Performance anxiety during sex can be a dreadful experience. But there are ways to manage it.

by Stephanie A. Wright, RN, BSN and Sandra Silva Casabianca

Sex can be more than just the physical aspect. Emotions, hopes, and fears may also be involved.

Sometimes, personal challenges and insecurities can make you apprehensive about your sexual performance.

Though sexual performance anxiety isn’t a formal diagnosis, it can still be a valid reality for you. But there are a few ways you can learn to manage sexual performance anxiety.

What is performance anxiety?

Performance anxiety refers to significant worry and fear about your ability to execute a specific task. It may also involve concern about how others perceive you.

Performance anxiety is what some people call “stage fright.”

Performance anxiety isn’t a formal mental health diagnosis, but it’s part of social anxiety disorder. This disorder is characterized by fear of social situations in which an individual feels they’ll be exposed to possible scrutiny from others.

You can experience social anxiety:

  • being around strangers
  • having conversations
  • during public speaking

Performance anxiety can manifest in many ways. Not everyone will feel and behave the same when having anxiety about performance situations, so you may not relate to every symptom listed here.

Some common symptoms may include:

  • negative thoughts about oneself
  • blushing and rapid heart rate
  • nausea and vomiting
  • excessive sweating
  • difficulty speaking
  • dizziness
  • intense worry
  • situation avoidance

Feeling anxiety from time to time is expected. But if you live with any anxiety disorder, you might have persistent symptoms that occur during different situations.

If you live with social anxiety, you might constantly worry about how others perceive you and how you navigate social situations.

Sexual performance and anxiety

Sexual performance anxiety refers to the fear of not being able to perform adequately during a sexual encounter. “Adequately” can mean different things to different people. What matters, though, is what you think that involves.

You may feel you won’t be able to meet your partner’s sexual preferences or experiences, which may cause you to have anxiety, for example.

On many occasions, particularly for men, sexual performance anxiety could impact becoming aroused and physically responding to sexual stimulation. This could confirm in your mind that you might not be able to perform well.

Sexual performance anxiety could manifest in many ways, including:

Men and women can experience sexual performance anxiety, and some may experience orgasm anxiety as well.

Literature reviews from 2000 to 2018 found that 9% to 25% of men experience anxiety associated with their sexual performance. In many cases, this anxiety was linked to symptoms of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

The same reviews found that women with sexual performance anxiety account for an estimated 6% to 16% of the female population, and anxiety often manifests as a low sex drive. Anxiety can also prevent females from experiencing orgasm.

Causes of sexual performance anxiety

You may experience sexual performance anxiety for many reasons, including:

  • past experiences
  • biology
  • your upbringing
  • traumatic events

Living with anxiety disorders may also make it more likely that you experience symptoms related to performance.

Personal concerns and expectations may also cause you to have anxiety. But what causes you to experience anxiety may not cause others to have anxiety.

You may feel anxiety about your sexual performance during the first few times you have sex or when you’re just beginning a new partnership.

You could have questions like:

  • Can I trust my partner?
  • Will we become pregnant?
  • Should we wear protection?
  • What will my partner think if I cannot perform?
  • Will they like my body?
  • Do they love me?

Other contributing factors to sexual performance anxiety may include:

  • low self-esteem
  • orgasm anxiety or difficulty in achieving orgasm
  • pain with intercourse
  • decreased sexual drive
  • depression
  • pain chronic conditions
  • changes in physical appearance
  • anxiety disorders
  • trauma

PSYCH CENTRAL RESOURCES

Setting better boundaries starts here

Learn more about defining boundaries in your relationships, practicing consistency, and living with intention with our limited series.

How to manage sexual performance anxiety

A mental health professional can help you explore the whys behind your symptoms of sexual performance anxiety and structure a treatment plan that works for you.

If your symptoms are linked to a specific situation, such as a new partnership, you may find that performance anxiety subsides as you become more comfortable with them.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to boost your sex life if it’s gone stale

Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship probably has come up against intimacy gaps. Here’s a way to kickstart it again.

By Susie Moore

A friend of mine was complaining over dinner recently that in her five-year marriage, her sex life has really slowed down.

As a celebrity life coach and with eight years of experience helping people overcome blocks and attract more of what they want, this was a topic I’d come across before. It can happen at any stage in a relationship – and it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily a reason to panic.

When something “goes wrong” in a relationship, often our instinct is that it will be tough to transform or that it will require “deep work” to push though and make it out to the other side.

There’s can also be another, gentler way that works.

Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship has or probably will come up against intimacy gaps at some point. Freaking out is not the answer. Nor is diving deeply into “the problem.”

Here’s are some simple and effective suggestions that you can try instead:

Think loving, sexy thoughts toward your partner

Look at them through the eyes of someone who might spot them across the room at a party. Remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place. Just because someone is familiar doesn’t mean you can’t foster a fresh attraction. It’s up to you and your thinking! Passion (and orgasms) begin in the mind.

Physically touch in a romantic way that doesn’t have to lead to sex

When was the last time you had a long, lasting kiss? Or a hug that lingered for more than two seconds?

Stop making your partner “wrong”

My friend Alexandra, an intimacy expert, taught me this important lesson: Someone who is wrong all the time is not sexy at all! When we criticise our partner non-stop, we become less attracted to them. How can a person who is wrong all the time seem sexy to you?

You’re allowed to disagree without anyone being wrong — for example, if your partner refuses to get into the plant-based meat substitutes you’re loving, validate your partner’s side of things. “I like veggie burgers, but I respect your meat-loving nature!”

A wrong person doesn’t feel sexy or attractive, to you or to themselves. So stop trying to win fights. It’s killing both of your sex drives.

You can also ask questions!

Instead of jumping into conflict as a reflex, use it as a chance to get to know each other better. For example, instead of saying, “You’re too stingy with money when it comes to eating out!” Ask, “What are you saving for? Tell me what you want in the future.”

Being open-minded fosters closeness and intimacy, allowing you to understand your partner in a whole new way.

Choose curiosity over judgment

Instead of using critical language such as saying something is bad/boring/dumb/annoying, be curious instead. “This isn’t a TV show I’d normally watch, but I see you love it — what’s so good about it?”

Bonus relationship hack

Whatever you’re telling your partner helps shape what they become. Your life partner is your biggest decision and most important teammate – so be on their side! You reap the benefits, too.

There’s an old joke I love: A husband and wife are driving around in their hometown, where he is the mayor. They stop to get some petrol, whereupon the wife recognises the attendant as a high-school boyfriend. After they drive off, her husband tells her, smugly, “See, if you’d married him, you’d be working at a petrol station.” The wife replies, “If I’d married him, he’d be the mayor.”

Touch, respect, admiration, and building each other up — these are all sexy behaviours that will bring you much more closeness than focusing on problems. You don’t need new lingerie or Botox to increase intimacy. Your emotional connection enhances your physical connection — they’re entwined.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Kinks and fetishes you need to know about, from A to Z

Because pleasure = self-care.

By Mollie Quirk

An A to Z of kinks and fetishes probably isn’t something you knew you needed, but it’s time to up your sex-ed game because let’s be honest, sex – whether solo or with a partner – and self-care go hand-in-hand. Pleasure is wellness, people. And there could be a whole realm of untapped pleasure here you never knew existed.

So, we’ve compiled a list of 26 kinks from A to Z, from bondage to role play. Please remember that kinks are supposed to be fun, and if at any point they stop being fun – you can stop at ANY time.

A is for Age Play

Many people get turned on when roleplaying, and even more so when they’re acting younger or older than they are. This kink could start off by calling your partner ‘daddy’ in bed, or maybe you’re getting called ‘baby’ – but it doesn’t stop there. The daddy/baby name-calling is just an example of light age play, but if the switch is flipped and all of a sudden one of you is acting like a baby, sucking on a dummy and crawling around in a nappy, then it’s safe to say that you’ve crossed to the extreme side of age play.

B is for Bondage

Some people get off when they’re restrained – whether that be in handcuffs or with ropes. Bondage falls under the BDSM umbrella term that means ‘bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism’. Some people enjoy being dominant (i.e. tying other people up) and some enjoy the more submissive side (i.e. being tied up). 

Bondage is the most well-known kink (thanks Fifty Shades of Grey) and uses sex toys like handcuffs, paddles, whips, shackle mounts, candle wax, chains, ropes and suspension bars.

Expensive toys aren’t always needed, and trading handcuffs for a tie can be a good alternative.

C is for Cuckolding

Cuckolding is usually when a heterosexual couple agree for the woman to sleep with another man/men. Her partner doesn’t need to be in the room – he just needs to get turned on by the thought of his partner having sex with somebody else. But, some men do like being in the room while watching their partner sleeping with another man. Although its traditionally considered to be a heterosexual kink, people of all genders and sexual orientations can partake.

D is for Dogging

Dogging is a British slang term for having sex in public, or watching others do so. It’s become an increasingly popular kink, and is similar to voyeurism and exhibitionism.

Usually two sets of people are involved (sometimes more) and they set up a meet or meet randomly, before watching the other couple have sex and vice versa. This kink doesn’t come without risks though, because in Great Britain, dogging comes under laws related to voyeurism, exhibitionism, or public displays of sexual behaviour. Prosecution is possible for a number of offences, and this means that public places in some areas of the UK sit in a grey area, legally speaking.

E is for Electrostimulation

Some people get turned on by getting electrocuted, and this kink is called electrostimulation. This involves using small electric shocks in the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex with your partner). Getting electrocuted can be dangerous, which is why most people who partake in this kink are into another type called ‘edge play’.

F is for Foot Fetishism

You’ve definitely heard of this one. Foot fetishes are one of the most common fetishes out there, just take Jake from Love Island 2021 and his very public foot fetish.

A foot fetish is when somebody gets turned on by, yep you guessed it, other people’s feet. They will most likely want to touch them, hold them, lick them, kiss them, and sometimes they might even want to suck that person’s toes. People with foot fetishes also engage in foot worship, which leads into another kink – humiliation. Sometimes the fetishist might want their partner’s feet in their mouth, they might want to be trodden on, kicked or walked on.

G is for Gagging

Some people like be gagged and choked while having sex, and this kink has recently seen a huge surge in popularity. Gagging can refer to lightly choking on an object (like a penis) or being choked slightly by the hand of your partner.

Another form of gagging is using a ball gag to gag somebody so they can no longer speak. This will either seem like your worst nightmare or your hottest sexual fantasy. Remember that if any form of gagging becomes uncomfortable at any stage – stop immediately. Having a safe word or signal is recommended, so that your partner knows if you’re withdrawing consent.

H is for Humiliation

This isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but some people do get a kick out of being humiliated (or doing the humiliation). If you like being called names like ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, or ‘whore’ in bed, then you probably have a kink for being humiliated. But if you like doing the name-calling, then you probably have more a dominant side and enjoy humiliating others.

I is for Impact Play

Considered a form of BDSM, impact play is generally where one person is struck by their sexual partner for the pleasure of one or both parties. Some people enjoy being whipped with a ‘stingy’ whip, while others might prefer a ‘thud’ from a paddle.

J is for JOE / JOI

A popular kink without many even realising it, Jerk Off Encouragement or Jerk Off Instruction, is when you’re instructed to masturbate for your sexual partner. Some people might enjoy instructing another party to masturbate for them, while others might enjoy being told what to do. Either way, it’s an exciting way to spice things up in the bedroom.

K is for Klismaphilia

In Greek, Klismaphilia means “arousal by enemas.” If you’re unsure what an enema is, it’s similar to a colonic irrigation. Basically, an enema is when you get warm water squirted into your bum.

Enemas are most commonly carried out by hospitals prior to medical procedures, but some people get turned on by having an enema (or giving one to somebody else). Most people will use enemas as a way to prepare the anus for anal sex, so it’s handy that you enjoy it if you like anal.

L is for Lactophilia

More common in heterosexual couplings, Lactophilia refers to when a male gets turned on by seeing a woman lactate – commonly known as producing breast milk. Lactophiliacs enjoy seeing women produce breast milk, as well as sucking on breasts and having sex with women who are producing milk.

M is for Medical fetish

Some people get turned on by doctors, nurses, dentists and pretty much anybody else in the medical profession. People with this kind of fetish might enjoy seeing their partner dressed up in a white coat, or they might enjoy medical role play. 

N is for Nylons

Also known as pantyhose addiction, those who love ladies (or men) wearing nylons tend to get sexual stimulation, gratification and arousal from their partners wearing tights. They might also love the process of putting them on, or taking them off. It is thought that those with nylon kinks prefer tights over stockings, because tights have direct contact with genitals.

This kink directly related to another very similar fetish – used underwear. Thanks to the internet, it’s now easier than ever to buy used under garments like tights, stockings, socks, knickers and bras. Sellers tend to sell the garment for a price that is decided on by the amount of times it has been worn.

O is for Orgasm Denial

Another kink that lives under the umbrella of BDSM, orgasm denial is where one partner brings the other right to the brink of orgasm and then stops – also known as edging, peaking, or surfing.

This sexual technique is when your orgasm is controlled by your sexual partner or yourself. This kink is both harsh and extremely rewarding because you’re getting built up and brought down, something that can continue for quite some time, before then being allowed to orgasm. Many women (and men) report that this is the ultimate way to reach an orgasm because it becomes more intense than ever before. It’s the perfect blend of being punished before getting given a reward. 

P is for Penis Humiliation

This kink involves insulting a man’s penis. Usually the man will enjoy having the size, appearance and performance of his penis mocked and laughed at. This is another kink that falls under the BDSM umbrella term.

Q is for Queening

Queening is when a woman sits on her partner’s face for oral sex involving both your genitals and anus. The woman will position herself in a straddling position, while her partner (either male or female) will pleasure her orally. Some people have extreme queening kinks, meaning they prefer this kind of sex over the traditional kind.

R is for Role-play

Role-play is a very common sexual kink. It basically refers to when when people act out roles or storylines in order to turn each other on. It can crossover into many other kinks like medical fetishes or age-play, and can be a brilliant way of injecting some spice into your sex life. Role-playing can come with costumes and props, or can be as simple as sexting, dirty talk, or thinking out an elaborate story to draw out the sexual act.

S is for Sensory deprivation

Sensory deprivation is when one sexual partner removes stimulation and/or senses from the other. This means that the other sensations become more powerful, intense and extreme. An example of this would be a person wearing blindfold and earplugs, while concentrating on the what they can feel e.g. touch.

T is for Taphephilia

This kink is very obscure and incredibly risky. Some people get aroused by being buried alive. Similar to claustrophilia, arousal from confined spaces, this kink is best undertaken on a fantasy basis and with a sexual partner you trust. The real thing is super dangerous and not recommended.

U is for Urophilia

More commonly known as golden showers, urophilia is when you urinate on somebody. This can be done on their face, on their body, in their mouth, in their vagina or on any other sexual organs. It’s usually done as part of domination or humiliation, so is another kink that falls within the realms of BDSM.

V is for Vincilagnia

This term refers to being sexually aroused by bondage, and more specifically being tied up or tying your sexual partner up. Remember that all parties involved must give ongoing consent, as with any of the kinks listed in this A–Z.

W is for WAM

Wet and messy fetish (WAM), also known sploshing, is a sexual fetish that involves people becoming sexually aroused by wet and messy substances being applied to naked skin – whether it be their own, or their sexual partner’s. Some people like to be covered in wet, messy or sticky substances, while some people enjoy watching others get drenched. WAM can included getting pelted with cream pies (or shaving foam), slime, cakes, food, custard or other liquids.

X is for Wax play

Okay, it doesn’t technically start with an ‘X’ but we had to include it! Some people enjoy hot wax being poured over their bodies as a part of temperature play. Luckily, general candle wax doesn’t need to be used (and isn’t advised either) because purpose-made candles have been created, specifically for wax play. There are candles that exist to burn at a specific temperature to ensure you won’t get burnt (or burn your partner). Not only does the temperature play feel great, but as the candle burns, the wax turns into massage oil.

Y is for Yiffing

Yiffing is when people dress up in furry costumes to grope, fondle and hump each other. Usually no sex act is undertaken, and most of the time yiffing is done in a group setting. 

Z is for Zelophilia

Cuckolding often coincides with an element of zelophilia, which is arousal and pleasure from jealousy – whether it be your own jealousy towards a lover, or their jealousy of you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want a better relationship?

Watch porn with your partner.

A recent study casts doubt on the notion that watching porn, whether alone or with a partner, damages romantic relationships.

By Stephen Johnson

  • In media and psychological research, it has often been assumed that watching pornography harms romantic relationships.
  • A new study challenges that idea by showing that couples who watch porn together tend to report higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.
  • In terms of watching porn alone, relationships only seem to suffer when there are significant differences in sex drive between partners.

How does watching pornography affect romantic relationships? According to popular media, the answer often has been that watching porn, especially when one partner watches it alone, can damage relationships and lead to unrealistic or unhealthy expectations about sex. 

Psychological research has partly supported these ideas. Although few studies have proposed that watching porn necessarily hurts relationships, research has found correlationations suggesting that porn exposure leads to decreased sexual and relationship satisfaction, decreased relationship commitment, and increased rates of cheating. 

But a new study offers a more nuanced look at the role porn can play in romantic relationships. The research, published in Frontiers in Psychology, challenges mainstream notions about porn, finding that romantic partners who watch porn together tend to be more sexually satisfied and content with their relationships — at least when the couple is on the same page.

The research on porn and relationships

The body of research on porn’s effects on relationships has had a few notable problems, according to the researchers behind the recent study. For example, studies often collected data from only one partner in the relationship and usually did not compare each partner’s disposition to pornography to the other. 

Studies also had tended to frame the exposure to porn as the cause of relationship or sexual dissatisfaction, omitting the possibility that watching porn is actually a consequence of dissatisfaction or maybe even irrelevant to relationship problems. What’s more, most studies on porn and relationships have not been replicated, representing a broader problem in the social sciences.

Porn, gender, and sex drive

In the recent study, the researchers examined two cross-sectional and two longitudinal samples of more than 700 heterosexual couples. They conducted four studies that, altogether, explored how porn exposure (both solitary and shared) relates to relationship and sexual satisfaction, and how factors like gender and attitudes toward porn and sexuality might contribute to the overall question of porn’s effects on relationships.

“Across three studies, we found consistent evidence that partners who watch pornography together report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners who do not, and notably, this association was not moderated by gender,” the researchers wrote, adding that shared porn use may improve relationships because it improves sexual communication or because it’s a novel and exciting activity.

As for relationships in which one partner regularly watches porn alone? The results show that solitary porn exposure was negatively associated with that partner’s own relationship and sexual satisfaction, but “only in cases where their romantic partners used little or no pornography alone.”

The researchers called this the similarity-dissimilarity effect, which refers to how each partner can have different dispositions toward sex and porn. The study examined several domains of sexual differences, including sex drive, attitudes toward porn, and erotophobia and erotophilia. In terms of solitary porn use and sexual satisfaction in relationships, it turned out that sex drive was the only factor where differences between partners was significantly associated with lower sexual (but not relationship) satisfaction.

It remains unclear whether solitary porn use causes lower sexual satisfaction or is a byproduct of it. In general, the study did not establish causal paths for porn and relationship or sexual satisfaction. Still, the strong associations cast doubt on the popular perception that watching porn necessarily harms relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is It Possible To Masturbate Too Much?

By Kelly Gonsalves

Remember that time on Sex and the City when Charlotte received a rabbit vibrator and fell so in love with it that her friends needed to stage an intervention?

It was a fun and goofy storyline, but it does operate under the assumption that it’s possible to masturbate “too much.” So…is it?

Listen. Sometimes you get your hands on a sex toy that just blows your mind, and you need to spend basically every night with it for a few weeks. Or you’re just having a bit of a hard month, and you just really need to blow off steam in the evenings with a little help from your vibrator. And sometimes there is no reason—you’re just horny, or in the mood, or feeling it, so you go for it. Often.

No one’s judging! But in case you’ve ever wondered if you’re overdoing it, we reached out to sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, to get the lowdown on your downtown time.

Can you masturbate too much?

“Self-pleasure is a very low-risk sexual activity,” Francis says.

That said, it’s possible to do anything in excess, including masturbation. Just like you can exercise too much or wash your hands too much—even though those are generally great habits—you can also masturbate too much. 

“If your masturbation habits are causing you mental, emotional, relational, or physical distress, that is an indicator that you may be masturbating more than is currently healthy for you,” she explains.

She emphasizes that pleasure is healthy, and most people don’t have to worry about overdoing it—in fact, the guilt around masturbation is much more likely to negatively affect someone’s well-being than the actual masturbating. “Sexual health includes your awareness of your sexual needs and feeling empowered to act on them safely,” she explains.

Plenty of people masturbate quite often without any negative side effects (here’s how often men masturbate, FYI), and there are also a slew of benefits of masturbation, including relieving stress, easing pain and period cramps, improving sleep, and even potentially supporting your immune system.

But, as Francis points out, if you’re masturbating with a frequency that’s causing physical harm (that is, you’re noticing soreness or bruising) or negative impact on other parts of your life (like feeling consistently distracted by thoughts of masturbating at work such that you can’t accomplish anything), that’s a sign that it’s time to take a pause, evaluate the role masturbation is playing in your life, and potentially make some changes.

It’s also possible for your body to get used to a certain type of stimulation, Francis notes—for example, the feeling of a vibrator on your clitoris or the rhythm of your own hand on your shaft. “They may notice difficulty maintaining their [erection] or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone,” she says, but adds that this issue is easily solved by making sure to mix things up while masturbating or bringing some of your solo activities into partnered sex. (Don’t underestimate the thrill of mutual masturbation, people!) If you want, it may also help to pause on masturbation for a bit before a partnered sexual experience.

Signs you’re masturbating too much.

How much masturbation is too much will depend on the individual, Francis says. A routine that feels great for one person might feel like way too much for another person. Rather than focusing on frequency, focus on how the behavior makes you feel and how it is (or isn’t) affecting your life.

Here are some signs Francis looks for to know if a person’s current masturbation practice might not be healthy for them:

  • It feels like a need instead of a choice.
  • It no longer feels pleasurable.
  • You’re experiencing pain, numbness, or loss of pleasing sensation.
  • There is a significant decline in your availability for sexual presence with partners.
  • You are struggling to keep up with your responsibilities because of how often you masturbate.
  • You’re feeling mental, emotional, or relational distress around masturbating.
  • “The general rule of thumb is that if something is causing unintended pain, you should take that as an indicator that something is wrong,” she says.

    If any of the above feel like they may apply to you or if you simply find yourself continuing to worry about your behavior, consider reaching out to a sex therapist or another qualified sexual health professional who can help you take a closer look at what’s going on.

    The bottom line.

    There’s nothing wrong with masturbating a lot. Most people masturbate because it brings them a little pleasure, relaxation, or relief at the end of a long day or because they just want to have fun connecting with their body.

    Now, if you find your masturbation feels less relaxing and more stress-inducing, or if it feels “out of control” in any way, it’s worth checking in with a professional to make sure everything’s OK.

    But if you generally feel anywhere from amazing to neutral before and after masturbating and aren’t noticing any negative effects on other parts of your life, you probably don’t need to worry. Regular masturbation is a common and generally healthy pastime, so if it’s feeling good, have at it.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Explore Bisexuality If You’ve Only Ever Been in Gay Relationships

From one queer to another, it’s a minefield out there.

by Daisy Jones

There are some wild misconceptions about bisexual people. The first is that you’re either secretly gay or just experimenting. The second is that you are always the sexuality of your current relationship. (If someone’s partner was ginger, you wouldn’t assume they only fancy ginger people, would you?) And the third is that all bisexual people find it hard to act on their queer feelings.

Of course, that third point can be common (the world is still heteronormative, after all). But it’s not the Universal Bi Experience. Some bi or pansexual people have only ever been in same-gender relationships and wouldn’t even know where to begin when it comes to dating a different gender.

As someone who has only ever been in long-term relationships with other women – but who doesn’t necessarily fancy one gender – non-gay culture often looks weird and complicated. Why are men sometimes mean to women they like, for example? Do straight people have “tops” and “bottoms”? Is flirting the same, regardless of gender?? Truly, it’s a minefield out there.

With all of the above in mind, here’s a guide to exploring your bisexuality if you’ve only ever been in same-gender relationships, according to experts.

Remember that there isn’t just one way to be bi

The first thing a lot of bi people ask themselves is “but am I bi enough?” says Zachary Zane, sex columnist and sex expert for Promescent. Time to get rid of your preconceived notions about bisexuality. So what if you’ve only ever been in same-gender relationships? There isn’t some secret “bisexuality test” you need to pass.

“Bisexuality is a spectrum,” says Zane. “All too often, we have this idea that being bi means you’re equally attracted to men and women. That’s not the case – it’s also exclusionary of nonbinary folks!”

Maybe you’re romantically attracted to one gender, but sexually attracted to all genders. Maybe you only fancy more than one gender sometimes, but not always. It doesn’t matter. You’re bisexuality is still valid even if it doesn’t look like the next person’s.

Apps! Apps! Apps!

Not used to being in “straight” spaces? Wouldn’t know how to approach someone of a different gender? Wouldn’t want to be with someone who freaks out when you tell them you’ve only ever been in gay relationships? The great thing about no longer living in the nineties is that we get to bypass all of the aforementioned, with apps.

“I’d state either in your bio or early upon talking to someone that you’ve only hooked up with people of the same gender, so this is new to you,” says Zane.

“They may reject you afterward, and so be it, but otherwise, you’ll be nervous when meeting up or hooking up with someone of a different gender for the first time. You want to be as comfortable as possible during the meetup, and the best way to do that is to let them know you’re new to all this!”

It can be helpful to date other bi folk

On the other hand, if you can’t be arsed explaining to some straight girl or guy exactly how many times you’ve eaten pussy or dick, Zane says it can be helpful to mainly date or hook up with other bi folk.

“My advice to everyone bi is to date other bi folk!” he says. “Especially if you’ve experienced biphobia when trying to date. That’s why I recommend listing you’re bi on your dating bios, so you attract other bi folks. As a woman you will get fetishised and constantly solicited for threesomes – just go ahead and block. As a guy, you’ll have signinant fewer matches when you list you’re bi, but you’ll notice you’ll match with many more bi folk, or you’ll match with men, women and non-binary folks who love dating bi guys!”

You might feel uncomfortable at first – and that’s normal

Every sexual and/or romantic experience is going to be different, regardless of gender or genitals or whatever else. That said, it’s normal and fine to feel nervous about hooking up or dating a different gender when you’re so used to living, laughing and loving with your own.

“We have to allow ourselves to sit with that discomfort,” says Tawney Lara, a bisexual sober sex and relationships writer. “I’m a big fan of honesty and communication. Tell your date or potential hook-up that you’re nervous or anxious. If they’re cold about it, they’re not worth your time. If they’re willing to listen and help you talk or laugh through it, they’re worthy of you!”

Remember: Dating a different gender doesn’t mean you’re no longer queer

Just because you might enter a “straight-passing” relationship or hook up, doesn’t mean you’re going to immediately start chugging Bud Lights, listening to tropical house and throwing gender reveal parties. You’re just as queer as you were yesterday.

“I experience biphobia from queer folks as much as I do from straight folks,” says Lara. “Bi folks are so misrepresented (until VERY recently) so that misunderstanding is somewhat understandable.”

“I think a struggle that happens often is that you no longer feel like you’re queer,” adds Zane.

“You’ll also struggle in gay spaces. I’m poly, and when I bring my boyfriend to the gay club, it’s awesome. When I bring my girlfriend, I feel like we’re strangers in this space, and we can’t make out otherwise we’ll appear like that disrespectful straight couple occupying a queer space. So my advice is to remember that you are still queer enough even when dating someone of the opposite gender and are in a ‘straight-passing’ relationship.”

And finally… enjoy yourself

Sex is supposed to be fun. That’s the whole point of it. It’s not a serious endeavour. It’s actually really weird and funny. So remember that even if you’re doing something new or unexpected, try not to overthink it too much.

It’s kind of a privilege that anybody gets to share your body in the first place, so as long as everything’s safe and consenting, put your pleasure first.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can we heal our pandemic trauma with kink?

Hard yes. Here’s why.

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

“I use kink as my hope for the future,” says Jade Sky, a 25-year-old living in New York. Between a cross-country move, changing jobs, and tenuous survival, the pandemic hit Sky hard — and kept hitting — as the exhaustion of isolation dragged on. A self-described “passionate sadist and curious masochist,” Sky turned inward during the pandemic and took what they call a Sadist’s Sabbatical of deep study, solo BDSM workshopping, and kinky research. For Sky, kink became on anchor in a time of deep uncertainty.

In her new docu-series, sex educator and erotic film director Madison Young puts Sky’s personal theory to the test: Can kink really heal our pandemic trauma?

The resounding answer? Absolutely.

Young released her new docu-series, Submission Possible in June of 2020. The pilot, shot nine months prior, aired just as the pandemic started in the U.S., halting production for the rest of the season. After consulting with COVID compliance officers, changing travel plans to stick to the West Coast, cutting back to a three-person skeleton crew and getting vaccinated in April 2021, Young felt safe enough to resume Submission Possible. Amid extra precautions, “there was just this extra tender desire to share our stories and connect after all the isolation we were coming out of,” Young says.

There’s a marked difference in the show’s tone after the pandemic sets in. Young, wearing a vulva-patterned COVID face mask, talks to passers-by on the streets of Seattle. Watching people open up about deeply personal, intimate subjects like safety and sex, while still masked, is a bit of a mindfuck. It feels normal to not see people’s faces anymore.

Submission Possible doesn’t shy away from challenging subjects — the pandemic is front and center, and so is systemic racism, social unrest, and hierarchy internal to queer and sex positive communities. For Sky, Submission Impossible is so exciting because of its complexity — and refusal to play into the toxic BDSM stereotypes they see in shows like Netflix’s Bonding. “I am so excited to see a show like this coming out. I’ve been looking for something that covers lots of ground, brings in voices that deserve to be heard, and really represents kinks and the people that practice them.”

As the show evolved, Young realized that the complex, messy stories she was exploring were offering more than just a pulse on the landscape of sex positivity. These stories could be used more widely to heal pandemic trauma. Kink itself is a sort of travel, an uneven roadmap full of not just precautions, ethics, and responsibility, but also joy and care.

Kink is a term that describes a variety of erotic practices, the most common of which fall under the BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism) umbrella. Kink, like queerness, is often resistant to any one, stable definition. But at its core, kink is consensual, erotic behavior that engages power in some way.

Kink, as a practice, has deep ties to LGBTQ+ communities, and like homosexuality, was pathologized as “sexual deviancy” in the DSM (the primary clinical manual of mental illness diagnoses). But kink’s capacity for healing has long been noted by not just community members and practitioners, but also by scholars and researchers. One 2013 study found that BDSM practitioners “were less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, [and] had higher subjective well-being” than the control group. Other practitioners use kink to process self harm, abuse, or sexual assault. Unlike traumatizing experiences where people aren’t able to control what happens to their bodies and mind, kink is all about creating a space where choice matters.

According to The Gender and Sexuality Therapy Center, the process of creating and experiencing consensual scenes and care allows the body to rewire the brain’s response to certain stimuli. Basically, this means that kink builds new, positive experiences “to heal and, in a sense, “overwrite” past traumatic ones.” This reclamation of both body and power can be an important opportunity for self-actualization and transformation.

Young identifies three key aspects of kink that can help people deal with pandemic trauma: negotiation, a forthcoming attitude about health status, and a sense of play. Negotiation is about identifying what is nourishing for your own body and communicating that to others, while holding that same space and regard for your potential play partners. It’s essentially an in-depth check in and a space to ask questions of yourself and others. Negotiation is also a part of informed consent, and pre-pandemic, it was used mostly to identify safe words, agree on safer sex practices, express hard boundaries, likes, and dislikes, and find mutually satisfying aftercare strategies.

An essential aspect of negotiation, Young says, is noting how the body reacts and feels to different hypothetical scenarios. Do you feel comfortable going to a play party where there will be 50 people inside? Do you feel comfortable renting a private dungeon with a partner? Do you feel comfortable attending an outdoor socially distanced porn screening where folks are masked and required to show their vax cards?

“With each of these we check in with ourselves and see in our bodies how each of these scenarios feel, and acquire the information and data we need to analyze our risk and make a decision,” says Young.

Likewise, the practice of sharing one’s status refers to the communal norm in kink spaces to disclose STI status and sometimes disability status in the interest of the safest sex possible. Kinksters are in general more used to not only asking tender questions, but also getting regular STI (and now Covid) tests. Of course, getting tested for COVID is scary — but realizing other communities have found ways to deal with, and manage, risks can be reassuring in uncertain times.

Unlike traumatizing experiences where people aren’t able to control what happens to their bodies and mind, kink is all about creating a space where choice matters.

Finally, Young talks about the art of play, “Whether it is a puppy or Mistress, Nurse, librarian, pony, or leather Daddy — stepping into a role and surrendering to a sense of play can be liberating, joyful and absolutely healing.” Play is something humans are born doing. Children emphasize play and learn to socialize through games and play-acting. Along the way— often somewhere between puberty and adulthood—the demands of capitalism get in the way and we stop playing. Kink is a chance for people like Sky to find joy again. “Kink encourages me to keep learning and hoping even when it feels like hope isn’t in easy supply,” says Sky. It was in that “erotic hope” that Sky found the “wonderful medicine” for their own healing.

Young’s strategies aren’t about sex, but about flexibility, risk management, and compassion. It’s not a coincidence that negotiation, disclosure, and play are easily adapted to pandemic times — these three strategies were developed by kink communities to protect one another and to extend basic compassion and respect to others. That’s exactly why shows like Submission Possible don’t just matter when we need individual healing — they also matter when we need to find a new normal together.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How I Negotiated Non-Monogamy In My Monogamous Relationship

By Zoe Ligon

After getting back from a trip, a friend of mine learned that her boyfriend had gone to a strip club and gotten a lap dance, which felt like a clear crossing of her boundaries within the relationship. The problem was that her boyfriend didn’t seem to think the strip club constituted a violation, wasn’t keeping it a secret, and was surprised by her reaction. After asking her about her relationship rules in their monogamous partnership, I realised that while this was a dilemma needing work, the real issue was that they had never had a conversation about what their boundaries even were.

I’ve been there before, too. As someone who has been in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, I know that those of us who default to monogamous partnerships are not equipped to set our own relationship boundaries. Perhaps it’s because “exclusive” monogamous relationships are a cultural norm, but we far too often rely on what we think relationships are supposed to look like, instead of what would work for us personally. I blame Hollywood romantic comedies in part, but no one really ever teaches us how to negotiate boundaries and advocate for our needs.

I am a person who has always felt somewhere between monogamous and non-monogamous, but my boyfriend leans closer to the monogamous side of the spectrum.

While all relationships encounter difficulties and struggles, it’s so very important for you to consciously choose your own boundaries instead of simply following social scripts. In order to do this, you must first focus on identifying, communicating, and negotiating your desires, both with yourself and your partner.

Monogamy and non-monogamy aren’t binary — we all fall somewhere along a spectrum. Perhaps your needs while together in the same city or state may differ greatly when one of you is travelling, or maybe your needs for romantic intimacy with others are different from your needs for sexual intimacy. Think of all your desires as they fit into different scenarios, and don’t limit yourself to just thinking about penetrative sex.

My boyfriend and I live together, but I travel much more than he does. I am a person who has always felt somewhere between monogamous and non-monogamous, but my boyfriend leans closer to the monogamous side of the spectrum. And even with my knowledge as a sex educator, I have still felt anxiety around negotiating my needs. I fear suppressing my own non-monogamous needs in order to not cause “drama,” but I know I won’t be as good of a partner to him if I’m unable to explore these feelings to a certain degree, and he is understanding of that.

I have lost count of how many conversations I’ve had with my current boyfriend, but I do remember some breakthrough moments. I’ll never forget how nervous I felt before I went on a long trip away from home for the first time after we began dating. I realized that what I really wanted was smooches, and other forms of physical intimacy that didn’t involve genital stimulation — like dancing!

I presented him my needs, and we worked out what parameters made us both feel comfortable. We felt the same about many things: no intimacy with people in-state, BDSM stuff (without fluid exchange) is permitted and does not need a check-in, and playing with women and non-binary folks is cool. And when it came to sex with cis men, it wasn’t off the table, it would just require a conversation. While different rules for playing with different genders is often an unfair double standard, it was just what felt right for both of us.

After establishing the things that were “yeses” and “nos,” I had even more questions! Did he want me to share with him about it? Was this a thing that was okay any time, or just when I was travelling? What if an out of state person came to our state? Did it matter if this person was a previous sweetie of mine? After running through all the details and hearing each other out, I felt a little funky due to the sheer candidness of the conversation, but also incredibly connected to and thoroughly prepared. And of course, we talked about his needs as well.

At first, it’s going to be awkward. Talking through all your needs and asking questions about your partner’s needs may not feel comfy and cosy, but it’ll help you be on the same page. It may help to explore hypothetical scenarios, but don’t spend too much time ruminating on things that haven’t happened yet. Focus more on what your desires and boundaries are, and what your feelings are as you share with each other. This isn’t a conversation that is a one and done type of thing, either. It’ll probably be ongoing throughout your partnership with that person.

After having negotiated relationship boundaries with my current boyfriend, I felt confident in knowing ways that I could explore my needs without fear of deceit. That didn’t mean feelings weren’t on the line — feelings can always happen — but at least I had a game plan.

Non-monogamy isn’t better or more “evolved” than monogamy, and it certainly isn’t easier.

Part of how I’ve learned to stand up for what I want and take inventory of my boyfriend’s feelings is by learning from my failures. In previous relationships, I felt guilty and suppressed my desires. I agreed to monogamous relationships for the sheer sake of not hurting my partner. In those relationships, I felt incredibly disconnected. No amount of love and attraction can erase the need for communication and negotiation.

Non-monogamy isn’t better or more “evolved” than monogamy, and it certainly isn’t easier. All kinds of relationships experience issues. But for those of us who feel it aligns with our identity, it’s worth the struggles, awkward moments, and even the jealous ones. If we communicate and prepare ourselves for the bumps, instead of pretending they’ll never happen, we’ll be far more equipped to work our way through them.

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A Simple Way For Couples To Know If They’re Having Enough Sex

By Kelly Gonsalves

Are we having enough sex?

If you’ve ever wondered this to yourself while in a relationship, you certainly wouldn’t be alone. Oftentimes the question comes up when there’s a feeling of disconnection in the relationship—a lack of excitement or “spark” between you—and a lack of sex may float to mind as a potential explanation.

But other times, people might feel pretty satisfied and content in their relationships, but outside influences—like hearing other people talk about how much or how little sex they’re having in their relationships—can make you start to question your own.

So we asked Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and marriage counselor, what she tells couples wondering about the amount of sex they are or aren’t having.

How much sex is “enough” for a healthy relationship?

First things first: Enough for who?

Zimmerman recommends thinking about how you’re defining the word “enough.” Is it based on comparisons with other people’s sex lives and trying to see if you’re “normal”?

“There is no normal. There is no ‘right’ amount of sex,” she says.

There’s no one magic number that will work for every single pair of people, and how often couples should be having sex will always vary depending on the specific needs of the specific people involved. Some people feel perfectly satisfied with sex once every few months, whereas others would consider that basically a sexless relationship. And of course, some people like having a sexless relationship, whether because they’re on the asexual spectrum or just prefer it that way. It all depends on the individual, and all preferences are valid.

Sometimes people might feel like they’re not having enough sex because they’re comparing their relationship to how it’s been in the past, Zimmerman adds, but even a decline in frequency doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem. “It’s normal for our sexual interest to change over time and to feel less intense desire,” she explains. Sometimes you’re just in a period of time when you don’t feel like having sex, and that’s perfectly OK.

The real question, she notes, is whether each partner individually feels like they’re having a satisfying amount of sex—whatever that looks like to them personally. Do you feel satisfied with your sex life as it is right now? Does your partner?

A helpful check-in.

One issue with the question of “how much sex is enough sex” is that it places the focus on the wrong thing, according to Zimmerman.

“I mean, what counts as sex anyway? If you’re focused on ‘the act’ (whatever that is for you) and the frequency of such, then you’re focused on the wrong thing,” she says. “It’s not just about ‘getting it done’ or checking the box. The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process, no matter what you do with your body parts and what the end result is.”

It’s less about whether you and your partner are engaging in a certain act a certain number of times. It’s about how connected the two of you feel and how much pleasure you’re getting to enjoy in your relationship.

So with that in mind, Zimmerman recommends asking yourself a more important question: Am I (and is my partner) having enough pleasure and connection?

“Consider whether you’d like more pleasure and whether you feel enough connection in your relationship. And ask your partner about whether they’d like more of those things,” she explains. “If so, prioritize that.”

That might mean having more sex more often, or any other number of ways to creatively bridge the gap. The point, as it always is when it comes to sex: Just focus on doing what actually makes you and your partner feel good.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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13 Things to Know About Female Orgasms

Including How to Find Yours

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

1. Is this a certain type of orgasm?

No, “female orgasm” is an all-encompassing term for any type of orgasm related to female genitalia.
It could be clitoral, vaginal, even cervical — or a mix of all three. That said, your genitalia isn’t your only option when it comes to achieving the big O.

Read on for tips on where to touch, how to move, why it works, and more.

2. It can be a clitoral orgasm

Direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris can lead to a clitoral orgasm. When you get your rub on just right, you’ll feel the sensation build in your pleasure bud and peak.

Try this

Your fingers, palm, or a small vibrator can all help you have a clitoral orgasm.

Make sure your clitoris is wet and begin gently rubbing in a side-to-side or up-and-down motion.

As it begins to feel good, apply faster and harder pressure in a repetitive motion.

When you feel your pleasure intensify, apply even more pressure to the motion to take yourself over the edge.

3. It can be a vaginal orgasm

Although few people are able to climax with vaginal stimulation alone, it sure can be fun trying!

If you’re able to make it happen, prepare for an intense climax that can be felt deep inside your body.

The front vaginal wall is also home to the anterior fornix, or A-spot.

Older research suggests that stimulating the A-spot can result in intense lubrication and even orgasm.

Try this

Fingers or a sex toy should do the trick. Since the pleasure comes from the vaginal walls, you’ll want to experiment with width. Do this by inserting an extra finger or two into the vagina, or try a sex toy with some extra girth.

To stimulate the A-spot, focus the pressure on the front wall of the vagina while sliding your fingers or toy in and out. Stick with the pressure and motion that feels the best, and let the pleasure mount.

4. It can be a cervical orgasm

Cervical stimulation has the potential to lead to a full-body orgasm that can send waves of tingly pleasure from your head to your toes.

And this is an orgasm that can keep on giving, lasting quite a while for some.

Your cervix is the lower end of your uterus, so reaching it means going in deep.

Try this

Being relaxed and aroused is key to achieving a cervical orgasm. Use your imagination, rub your clitoris, or let your partner work some foreplay magic.

The doggy-style position allows for deep penetration, so try being on all fours with a penetrative toy or partner.

Start off slow, gradually working your way deeper until you find a depth that feels good, and keep at it so the pleasure can build.

5. Or a mix of all the above

A combo orgasm can be achieved by pleasuring your vagina and clitoris simultaneously.

The result: a powerful climax that you can feel inside and out.

Be sure to supersize your combo by adding some other erogenous zones to the mix.

Try this

Use both your hands to double your pleasure, or combine fingers and sex toys. Rabbit vibrators, for example, can stimulate the clitoris and vagina at the same time and are perfect for mastering the combo orgasm.

Use parallel rhythms while playing with your clitoris and vagina, or switch it up with fast clitoral action and slow vaginal penetration.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Andropause Or Male Menopause?

4 Health Tips Men Should Follow To Manage This

Male Menopause: Andropause is characterized by low production of male sex hormone, testosterone which happens gradually over years.

By Nmami Agarwal

Andropause or commonly known as male menopause refers to the symptoms that men experience due to low production of male sex hormone, testosterone gradually over years. The condition is more prevalent after the age of 50 years. ‘Andras’ means human male in Greek, whereas ‘pause’ is cessation, therefore, andropause may also lead to reduced sexual drive and can also cause depression in some cases. Clinically, this condition is known as testosterone deficiency syndrome or androgen deficiency or hypogonadism.

Signs and symptoms one may experience while undergoing andropause:

  • Irritability and frequent mood swings
  • Loss of muscle mass leading to difficulties in exercising
  • Fat redistribution that can lead to belly fat or gynecomastia (male breasts)
  • Lack of pleasure, enthusiasm and energy
  • Increased chances of insomnia, fatigue
  • Poor short-term memory and inability to focus
  • Decreased bone density
  • Hot flashes or sweat
  • Baldness, loss of hair
  • Decreased testicular size

Many people confuse this condition with lifestyle or psychological factors. But, that’s not always the case. In fact, some of the unhealthy lifestyle choices can lead to andropause. These may include- smoking, obesity, alcohol use, sedentary lifestyle pattern, or some medications.

Dietary Intervention:

1. Optimum calcium intake

Optimising the intake of calcium can help you relieve out the symptoms of andropause. Foods like milk, sesame seeds, ragi, eggs, fish (sardines, salmon), broccoli, and different types of legumes are rich in calcium.

2. Healthy fats

Adequate intake of essential fatty acids can boost the production of testosterone hormone. Make sure to include healthy fats in the form of nuts, seeds, dairy, lean meat, eggs, grass-fed ghee, or butter in your diet. Moderation is the key.

3. Get the right dose of zinc

Zinc is an essential mineral that serves the function of maintaining reproductive health and creating a balance of hormones including testosterone. The deficiency of zinc can also lead to an altered mood state. Zinc is readily found in seafood, legumes, nuts, seeds, and dark chocolate.

4. Maintain a healthy weight

Being overweight is a root cause of major health problems. So, make sure to maintain your weight to its normal in order to reduce the symptoms of andropause. Try to control your portion size and reduce the consumption of processed junkies, foods rich in artificial sweeteners, and bad fats from your diet.

Treatment

Testosterone supplements or hormone replacement therapy may be advised for some males but it may come with its own set of side effects and should not be done without doctor’s consultation. Your doctor is the best one to decide on the right course of treatment. Some therapies like CBT can be referred to such patients, it is a form of talk therapy that helps patients in dealing with signs of stress or anxiety.

The bottom-line

A balanced diet and a healthy lifestyle cannot be stressed enough for their importance. Small yet affirmative lifestyle changes can help regulate testosterone function, and may also improve sperm quality and fertility.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!