How to Communicate New Sexual Boundaries to Your Partner

By Gigi Engle

Sex and our preferences for certain kinds of sex acts change all the time. This is a fact of life for many people.

What worked for you for years may suddenly not be your thing anymore—and that’s totally OK. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a sex therapist and host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody that our desires are the product of a variety of bio-psycho-social systems. “Since these systems are always evolving, it is only expected for human desires and preferences to change, as well,” she explains.

But how do you share this with a partner? For example, maybe you’re super into spanking—and then one day you realize you’re not so into spanking anymore.

There aren’t any guidelines on how you let a partner in on this information. Like, “Hey, babe. You know how I love when you hit my ass so hard you leave marks? Yeah, I hate that now.” Not so cute-sounding, huh? This applies to all sexual activities. Maybe you’re a bottom and now you’d like to be a top (or verse), perhaps you used to enjoy a certain kind of pattern during oral and now don’t, or perhaps you used to enjoy rough sex and now you aren’t as comfortable with that dynamic. This is all boundary-related.

We need to build a language to have these conversations with empathy and respect to avoid rejection, hurt feelings, and feeling ignored—or even violated.

While this article may sound like it’s geared more toward people who are in sexual/romantic relationships (as these are usually the types of relationships that need this kind of re-negotiation), all of these guidelines can be used for all kinds of relationships. No matter the type of relationship you’re currently in, we all need this information. The reality is, as with all things related to sexuality, boundaries are fluid and shift all the time.

In September, we published a five-step guide to communicating with a partner. Here’s how to communicate with your partner about new sexual boundaries when you’ve found they’ve changed.

1. Consider the Impact Staying Silent Can Have on You and the Relationship.

If you’re feeling anxious about discussing your new boundaries, remember that keeping this under lock and key could be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and personal well-being—no matter how casual or serious the relationship itself is. “If you continue to engage in an activity that you no longer enjoy, it will impact your enthusiasm around sex and, in turn, your relationship,” Moali says.

What’s more, you could wind up feeling violated. When we engage in sex we don’t want, it begins to erode our sense of safety. This can lead to bigger issues in our lives, such as anxiety and depression. Don’t fall into this trap. Speaking up is a must.

2. Obtain Consent for the Conversation.

Kristen Tribby, a certified sex educator and head of marketing and education at FUN FACTORY, advises couples who don’t regularly discuss sex as part of their communication practice to consider opening the conversation to a general discussion of sex to get comfortable with the topic.

However, to do this ethically, you need permission to initiate such a vulnerable discussion. The way to ask? Try: “Are you in a place right now to discuss our sex life? I think it would be really beneficial for us to have a check-in.”

Once you feel comfortable talking about sex openly, you can get into the meatier topic of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily “difficult” to talk about, we simply don’t have as much practice discussing them as we do, say, how our dickhead boss is being a dickhead again.

3. Have the Conversation Outside of the Bedroom.

Conversations about sex shouldn’t take place during sex. This is a golden rule for getting what you want in the bedroom. Why? Because being naked and sexy with someone is very vulnerable. The last thing you want to hear is something negative.

Consequently, Moali suggests keeping discussions about all things sex outside of the bedroom.

Make sure to figure out a convenient time and place so that everyone can be prepared and ready to go. “Oftentimes, people bring up the conversation at a time [when] their partner is preoccupied or in a rush. This jeopardizes their chance of being heard,” Moali says.

4. Having the Talk: Start With the Positive Things, Then Move on to the More Loaded Topics.

Being in a relationship (serious or otherwise) requires taking any conversation about sex with a heavy dose of empathy. We’re all just humans who are doing our best. The thing is, your partner won’t be aware that your boundaries have changed unless you tell them, because they are not a mind reader. However, it would be irresponsible to say that there is no way they won’t react negatively to this topic because it’s both loaded and can feel like a personal attack in a world so devoid of basic sexuality education.

So, to mitigate the possibility of hurt feelings, Tribby suggests starting with the positive aspects of your sex life before hitting your partner with newfound boundaries. You might start by saying: “I like it when you [do] X thing” or “It was so sexy when you did X.”

Then, focus on the things you’d like to change. “Make your comment on the thing you don’t like, [focusing] your attention on the act and not on the person or their technique,” Tribby says.

Two simple ways to approach the topic of boundaries, compliments of Tribby:

  • “You know, I think I’m not into spanking anymore, but I’m really into that new thing you did to me the other night.”
  • “Spanking isn’t really my thing anymore, but I think it would be fun to try something new, like XYZ.”

Lastly, invite the person to share their own ideas on things that would be hot for both of you. Compromise is always key when it comes to having great sex.

5. Set Up Monthly “Sexual Health Dates.”

Once you establish a way into these discussions, turn it into a habit. Sexual wellness is as important in relationships as anything else, yet we tend to throw it right on the old back burner the minute life gets rocky.

Moali suggests making a monthly check-in a must-have, even going so far as to have it set in stone on the Google calendar. “During these dates, couples can discuss what is working for them, what they want more of, and what activities are not giving them pleasure anymore,” she explains. “If you get into the habit of checking in with each other on a regular basis, it will be easier long term to give and receive honest feedback.”

“Sexual relationships thrive on clear communication, so this could be a good chance to grow even closer,” Tribby says.

Communication is lubrication, friends. And if you clearly communicate your boundaries and your partner refuses to respect them, well, then it’s time to say “Bye, bye, boo!”

Complete Article HERE!

Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

When dating interracially, some Black people say that code-switching, a common practice of adapting the way they look, speak or act in different social settings, comes as second nature.

Remy Barnwell struggled with being her authentic self when she first started dating her boyfriend Ben Podnar in 2020. She concealed her afro for 6 months before sharing her natural hair texture with Mr. Podnar.

By Brianna Holt

Last September, when Remy Barnwell, 26, started dating Ben Podnar, who is white, she was hesitant to wear her hair in its natural state. As a Black woman, she was uncertain of how he would respond to her tightly coiled strands.

On her first date with Mr. Podnar, Ms. Barnwell, a tax attorney in Washington, D.C., arrived wearing box braids that concealed her natural Afro. Six months would pass before she let Mr. Podnar see her kinky coils.

“I definitely noticed the first time she took her braids out and I remember her being very concerned about how I would feel,” said Mr. Podnar, 29, an audience development director for the Center for American Progress in Washington.

Ms. Barnwell, who said straightening her hair since childhood “reinforced the idea that my natural hair was not enough,” was pleasantly surprised at Mr. Podnar’s response to her Afro. “At first I was really nervous, but he was immediately obsessed with it, which was a relieving and satisfying moment,” she said.

“I know a lot of people in her life have criticized her tight coils, so it’s especially been nice getting to see her feel that attraction from me no matter how she wears her hair,” added Mr. Podnar, who said he likes all of the different ways Ms. Barnwell styles her hair.

Hair isn’t the only thing Ms. Barnwell said she has toned down when getting to know someone who is not Black. She won’t play soul music, wears clothes that don’t expose her curves and avoids using African American Vernacular English, commonly known as Ebonics, in conversations.

“I also wore my Birkenstocks to my first date with Ben, which I’d never wear on a first date with a nonwhite man,” Ms. Barnwell said.

The alteration of hairstyles, clothes, and interests in order to gain social acceptance and limit the risk of falling victim to bias is a form of code-switching, a term that refers to the common practice of adapting or altering speech, dialect, look or behavior depending on the social setting.

Ms. Barnwell and other Black people say code-switching is common when they date interracially because first impressions determine if a second date is in the cards.

Joseph Lamour, 38, a journalist and illustrator who lives in Washington, said it wasn’t until a white boyfriend confronted him about his change in vernacular that he realized he altered his speech.

“We were driving to Boston and got a little lost, so I asked a Black person on the corner for directions,” said Mr. Lamour, who is Black. When he rolled his car’s window back up, Mr. Lamour said his then-boyfriend, a white man, asked why his voice changed when he spoke to the man. “I hadn’t even noticed I did it, but then he did an impression of it and it all came full circle,” he said, and added: “It’s kind of like a job interview where you sort of make yourself more corporate-sounding in order to seem more standard so that a second date can happen.”

Mr. Lamour, who said he mostly dates white men, later realized he code-switches in other ways when meeting someone who isn’t Black for the first time. “When I’m going on a first date, I consciously put on clothes that make me appear to be a Don Lemon-type instead of a 50 Cent-type — even though I have both types of clothing,” he said.

For Black people and other minority groups, code-switching is a way of existing within multiple worlds at once by repressing their authentic selves while playing up behavior seen as acceptable by a majority.

While a person of any race may adapt their authentic self to make a good impression on a date, this switch in behavior is often more prominent in interracial or interethnic relationships.

“The greater the perceived distance, cultural difference, or racial difference between the two people involved, the more code switching is likely to occur,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociologist and professor at N.Y.U.

Breuna Westry, 24, who lives in Austin, Texas, and works as an assistant marketing director for Clinical Compensation Consultants, said she mostly dates white men. Originally from New Orleans, Ms. Westry, who is Black, said she uses a vocabulary that is authentic to the Black community in her hometown. However, she said she consciously changes her vocabulary when going on a date with someone who isn’t Black.

“The slang is ingrained in me. I say things like ‘yes’m’ which is a total Southern, Black country term,” Ms. Westry said. “But sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t necessarily use certain phrases around the white guys I date.”

She said her mother’s use of Southern slang has also made her anxious about introducing her family to that of a prospective partner who isn’t Black.

“My mom is in her 60s and old-school, from Mobile, Alabama,” said Ms. Westry. “She feels comfortable in the way that she talks and I would never want somebody to judge her intellect level or anything based on that, because my mom’s a smart nurse.”

In the United States, the application of code-switching outside of linguistics is historically and culturally Black.

In his book “The Souls of Black Folk,” first published in 1903, W.E.B. Dubois described such behavior as “a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.”

But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Black academics began using the term code-switching to describe their interactions and relationships with white people.

Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles-based sex and relationship educator, who is Black, Indian, and white, said many Black Americans see code-switching as an obligation, rather than a choice.

“Code-switching is speaking specifically to Black people who have to assimilate, or feel that they have to assimilate, to white culture in order to receive success,” Ms. Boodram said, including “a romantic potential with somebody” who is white.

“There are so many negative stereotypes associated with blackness: if you dress a certain way, look a certain way, or if your hair is a certain way, you get lumped into what is perceived as ‘urban culture,’ and that’s not seen as professional,” Ms. Boodram added. “And maybe for some people, that’s not seen as the person that you want to bring home to mom.”

Black women in particular resort to code-switching when dating because of the bias they often face, a result of being stereotyped as angry and discontent, hypersexualized and lacking positive representation in TV and film. This bias has led to Black women being the least contacted on dating apps and facing the most racial and sexual discrimination in online dating settings.

“If we’re talking about interracial dating, specifically about Black women, they might ask, ‘Do I feel comfortable with showing myself to this person that maybe has their own preconceived notions about Black women? Is there some eroticism or thoughts around what it means to date me as a person?’” said Camille Lester, a relationship therapist based in New York, who is Black.

“Everybody, when they’re dating, puts on some type of mask and then the longer you’re with someone, or the closer you allow yourself to get, you take off pieces of that mask,” Ms. Barnwell said, adding: “It’s especially difficult to take off pieces of that mask when you’re a Black woman because we’re already the least appreciated.”

While code-switching might be the thing that gets someone a second date, those who acknowledge doing it said it wasn’t a long-term strategy. Mr. Lamour said that, lately, he has been interested in dating only people who are comfortable with his authentic self.

“I’ve been getting more comfortable with myself and therefore the person that I’m going to be with is going to have to be comfortable with me, because I am,” he said.

Ms. Barnwell had a similar realization. “I finally got to a place where I didn’t really want to spend the time or money to get my hair braided again,” she said of the moment she decided to let Mr. Podnar see her natural hair. “I was like, ‘OK, am I going to let my white boyfriend see me with my Afro?’ And I really had to tell myself this was dumb, and if he sees me in my Afro and he hates it, then we simply should just break up.”

Complete Article HERE!

Is It Normal to Experience Loss of Desire After a Vasectomy?

by James Roland

A vasectomy is a minor surgical procedure that blocks sperm from mixing with semen. This prevents someone with a penis from getting someone pregnant.

It’s a common method of contraception that about 500,000 men in the United States choose every year. You may still wonder if a vasectomy hurts since it requires incisions in the scrotum.

Like any type of surgery, there is the likelihood of some pain and discomfort. However, vasectomy pain is usually minor, temporary, and easily treated.

A vasectomy is a relatively quick and simple procedure that’s performed by a urologist. It may be done in a urologist’s office, or at a hospital or surgery center.

Because the goal of a vasectomy is to be sterile, it’s a procedure that requires careful consideration — not just about the nature of the surgery and recovery, but what it means for the future.

It’s also important to remember that a vasectomy should have no long-term impact on sexual function.

Procedure

A vasectomy is usually performed with local anesthesia, but it may be done under full sedation. If you’re especially nervous about this procedure — or if another surgery is being done at the same time — then full sedation may be appropriate.

Prior to the surgery, your scrotal area will be prepped by shaving and cleaning it with an antiseptic wash. You may be asked to shave that area around the scrotum — but not the scrotum itself — the night before your procedure.

If you’re having local anesthesia, you’ll receive a shot in the scrotum, which numbs the area and prevents pain. The injection will hurt a little, but soon you won’t feel any pain. You may be able to sense tension or movement during the surgery, but no pain.

During a conventional vasectomy, the doctor will make two small incisions in the scrotum to access the vas deferens.

After the incisions are made, the urologist will cut the ends of each of two vas deferens and tie them off or place tissue where the cuts were made. This blocks sperm from flowing up through the vas deferens.

Another method, called cautery, may be used instead of dividing the vas deferens. The surgeon will burn the inside of the vas deferens with a special tool to promote scar tissue formation.

Dissolvable stitches may be used to close the incisions. In some cases, no stitches are used and the scrotum is allowed to heal on its own. The entire procedure takes about 20 minutes, and after a brief recovery period, you can go home the same day.

Once the anesthesia wears off, you can expect some pain in your scrotum. You may notice some slight swelling and bruising. These reactions should last only a few days. After that, your scrotum should look as it did before your vasectomy.

To help treat the pain, wear snug (but not too tight) underwear to restrict your testicles from moving too much.

An ice pack may also help. Many people opt for something more flexible that will fit around the scrotum, such as a bag of frozen peas. Over-the-counter pain relievers may also help during those first few days.

You should avoid heavy physical exertion for about a week. You may be able to have sexual intercourse after a few days, but if you experience pain or discomfort, wait a week or until you are symptom-free.

Be sure to listen to instructions from your doctor about aftercare, and ask questions if you need clarity.

Follow-up

Pregnancies after vasectomies are rare — only about 1 to 2 women out of 1,000 get pregnant within a year after a partner’s vasectomy. But it’s important to follow up your procedure by having a semen sample checked for sperm.

This is usually done about 8 weeks or 20 ejaculations after the vasectomy. During that time, you’ll want to use an alternative form of contraception.

You’ll need to follow up with your doctor after a vasectomy makes sure that the procedure was successful. Other than that, there’s not normally a need to keep following up.

The pain you feel in the hours and days right after a vasectomy should gradually fade, but if you notice the pain getting worse, notify your doctor. The same is true if you notice swelling that doesn’t subside.

Bleeding complications are rare, but if you notice bleeding from the incision, call your doctor. If you see pus coming from that area or experience a fever over 100°F (37.78°C), don’t hesitate to call your doctor, as these may be signs of an infection.

In 1 to 2 percentTrusted Source of vasectomies, a rare condition called post-vasectomy pain syndrome (PVPS) occurs.

PVPS is defined as scrotal pain that is constant or intermittent over a period of at least 3 months. In many cases, the pain flares up during or after sexual activity, or after vigorous physical activity.

You may also experience pain, which may be sharp or throbbing, without any activity triggering it. Sometimes, PVPS appears soon after a vasectomy, but it may also develop months or even years later.

The causes of PVPS aren’t yet well understood, but they may include:

  • nerve damage
  • pressure within the scrotum
  • scar tissue affecting the vas deferens
  • epididymitis, which is an inflammation of the epididymis

Treatment

One way to treat PVPS is with a vasectomy reversal, which restores the ability to have children.

One 2017 studyTrusted Source suggests that vasectomy reversal is the most “logical” solution to PVPS, assuming that scar tissue or other obstruction in the vas deferens is the cause of pain. While uncommon, surgery to free an entrapped nerve may also be an option.

In recent years, an alternative to traditional vasectomies has become popular. It’s known as a no-scalpel vasectomy.

This involves a small poke in the scrotum to open it up just enough to pull the vas deferens through. A cut is made of the vas deferens, which are then allowed to retreat back through the hole.

The recovery time is shorter for a scalpel-free vasectomy, and the risk of bleeding problems and complications is lower compared to a conventional vasectomy.

The scalpel-free approach is newer, and recommended by the American Urological Association. Many newer urologists will have training in this technique.

Though a vasectomy is a procedure performed on an especially sensitive part of the body, it’s not an operation that causes a lot of pain or lingering discomfort.

If you’re planning to have a vasectomy, just have some ice or a frozen bag of peas available when you get home, and relax for a few days. If you notice any complications or lingering pain, you should notify your doctor immediately.

Complete Article HERE!

A Better Way to Write About Sex

Works that question how we think about love and desire: Your weekly guide to the best in books

By Kate Cray

J. H. Kellogg may be best known for his popular cereal brand, but his legacy includes much more than just breakfast. The inventor of corn flakes was also a health activist who lobbied aggressively for controversial practices—including painful and extreme measures to prevent masturbation. As the book Sex in America argues, the breakfast magnate’s campaign against self-pleasure cast the normal and healthy activity as taboo, just like many of the other anti-sex forces that had dominated the country for centuries.

But those forces couldn’t persist forever. In recent years, an attitude of sex positivity has become the norm, counteracting this long-standing culture of shame. Sex actually is good, the new thinking goes, and people should be having more of it (with consent, of course). Still, although the empowering philosophy has expanded our understanding of sexuality (and is infinitely preferable to a culture of shame), its liberating power has sometimes been hindered by the simplistic way many people apply it. “Positive” may be too one-note of an outlook on something as messy and complicated as sex.

For one, not everyone wants sex. As the journalist Angela Chen explores in her book Ace, our culture’s obsession with sexual attraction can leave those with different experiences feeling abnormal or as though they have a problem that needs to be solved. Even those who do crave sex don’t crave all sex or all sexual experiences. The broad defense for any critiques of our sexual attitudes seems to be consent: If everyone involved said yes, then there can’t be a problem. But this framework is inherently limited, the academic Katherine Angel writes in Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again, as it ignores the power dynamics that sometimes restrict the freedom of our choices. We need a standard for communication that goes beyond mere agreement.

Talking about any of this can seem impossible. Sex positivity does mandate openness, but as shows like Netflix’s Sex Education demonstrate, that forthrightness often seems to permeate only conversations that celebrate sex—not those that question or complicate it. But nuanced and caring discussions about the topic do exist. One place to find them is in romance novels. The genre may have its roots in bodice rippers, many of which cast scenes of rape as romantic, but new writers are aware of these past failings—and are eager to do better. As the author Jasmine Guillory told my colleague Hannah Giorgis in 2018, she aims to write characters who respect each other and who seek not just consent but enthusiasm. In doing so, she is charting a better way to write about love and desire.

What We’re Reading

illustration of a bird and a bee

Why are young people having so little sex?

“Signs are gathering that the delay in teen sex may have been the first indication of a broader withdrawal from physical intimacy that extends well into adulthood.”

crowd of people

The limits of sex positivity

“As American culture has become more expansive in its understanding of sexuality, so has sex therapy. But this kind of sex positivity often doesn’t leave room for those who don’t want sex at all.”

Silhouette of female torso in pink over profile of face in green and shape of a hand with photo of woman's nose and lips

The problem with being cool about sex

“Half a century after the sexual revolution and the start of second-wave feminism, why are the politics of sex still so messy, fraught, and contested?”

Stills from 'Sex Education,' 'Sex: Unzipped,' and 'Sex, Love, and Goop'

Where sex positivity falls short

“The catch of a faultlessly sex-positive universe in which everyone’s up for everything is that there isn’t much space to explore what happens when they’re not.”

illustration of two people on a background printed with Cupid's arrows

How to write consent in romance novels

“[Jasmine] Guillory is particularly skilled at writing the men who woo her novels’ female protagonists with compassion and empathy … Guillory’s male leads aren’t perfect, but they’re unwavering in their respect for the women at the center of these stories.”

Complete Article HERE!

Think before you sext

— The experts’ guide to teen dating

‘Once you know that you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them’.

From first kisses to ghosting, dating can be a minefield for young people. Here’s how to have a happy, healthy romance

By

Take things offline

Teen relationships often start online, so how do you progress to a real-world date? The first step is to make your chat more meaningful, says Charlene Douglas, an intimacy coach and sexual health educator. “Online, young people can banter for hours, so try to move the conversation on. Rather than just talking about celebs, or who said what at school, bring those situations back to what you have in common.”

Then introduce voice messaging and video calls, “to see if you really like the vibe of a person and to check they’re human”, says Hardeep Dhadda, presenter of the relationships podcast Thank You, Next. Her co-presenter, Raj Pander, suggests watching something at the same time on Netflix. Then: “Once you know you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them.”

Put safety first

Be sure they are who they say they are (Pander suggests checking tagged pics on Instagram), and meet in a public place, telling someone when and where you’re meeting. Pander says: “Not everyone is a serial killer, but it’s good practice to act as if they could be.”

Manage your emotions

Butterflies in your stomach? Heart racing? “It’s normal to feel that way,” says Chloe Goddard McLoughlin, a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. “Just tell the other person that you’re nervous, because I guarantee they will be as well.”

Pander, who is 37 and a self-confessed shy dater, says: “I plan a phone call with a friend before so they can prep me. We always have a contingency plan if anything gets weird, so if I text them they’ll call me so I can pretend there’s an emergency and leave.”

Be chatty

“Try to keep it light and talk about things you’re passionate about, as when you do that, your whole energy lights up,” says Douglas. Dhadda agrees: “If you like something – animals, sustainable fashion or Billie Eilish – let your date know. How can someone get to know you if you’re holding back or pretending to be someone else?” But there are no-nos: “If someone brought up sex on a first date, I’d be put off.”

Know how to end a date

“Be polite,” says Dhadda. “Consider their feelings, as they may have had the best time ever.” Pander agrees: “Tell them you had fun – even if you didn’t – look at the time and say you’d better be off.” If they message asking to meet again, be honest but respectful. Douglas recommends replying: “You’re a great person but I just don’t think we’re suited.”

Don’t sweat your first kiss

“It’s part of our cultural mythology that the first kiss is the best, but for most people it’s pretty average, so don’t sweat it,” says Goddard McLoughlin. Remember, a kiss should only happen when you’re both comfortable and have given consent. “It may take the sexiness away, but saying ‘can I kiss you?’ means you have permission and haven’t misread signals,” says Douglas.

Think about when to make things official

When do you change your status or update your profile pic to a cute couple selfie? For Pander, once you’re sure you like and trust the person, you can ask what they think about making things official. But she warns: “Do you really need them in your profile pics or online status? You’re your own person: don’t let your relationship take over your identity.”

Work out if you’re ready to have sex

“First, know the facts about sex, intimacy and pleasure,” says Douglas. “Speak to a trusted older family member, whether that’s a sister or an aunt. Don’t feel pressured into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Douglas says of her work at a girls’ school: “A lot of the girls felt they should lose their virginity on their 16th birthday. Sometimes they regretted it because it wasn’t pleasurable or they felt used. Just because the law says you’re ‘of age’ doesn’t mean you have to do anything.”

Learn how to boost your confidence

Just over half of 11- to 16-year-olds worry often about how they look, but try shifting your focus. “Imagine the most confident version of yourself,” says Natasha Devon, who gives talks at schools and universities on mental health and body image. “Think about how you stand, move and feel when you’re relaxed and self-assured, and emulate that. When we look at someone, we see them as a whole package.”

Stay aware of consent

“People think if they’ve said yes once, they can’t change their mind,” says Goddard McLoughlin. “But you have the right to say no at any point.” Douglas adds: “If you’ve said yes to a kiss, you have the right to say, midway through, ‘I want to stop.’ Similarly, if you feel ready for sex but when it comes down to it you don’t want to do it, that needs to be respected.” If you’re on the receiving end of a no, don’t feel like a horrible person, says Douglas. “Remind yourself it’s a positive thing your partner is able to share this.”

Think before you sext

A recent Ofsted report found that 80% of girls feel under pressure to send sexual images. Douglas says: “Once you send a picture, you can’t control where it goes, who sees it, or whether it’s shared. If it’s shared on the internet, it can stay there for ever.”

Understand how to handle rejection

If you’ve been rejected, Douglas says, “allow yourself to feel that pain. Be around people who are positive and who love you, and do one good thing for yourself every day.” Goddard McLoughlin suggests shifting your perspective: “Often it’s about the other person, not you.”

Avoid being spooked by ghosting

For Pander, ghosting is evidence that someone isn’t worth your precious energy. If someone suddenly cuts you off, it means they “weren’t brave enough to have an honest conversation with you. You deserve better.” Despite the crushing pain, reframe it as a lesson, says Douglas. “It teaches you the kind of person you want to be with, how you want to be treated and how you want to feel in a relationship. In future you won’t even remember the person’s name. I say that from experience.”

Don’t use porn to educate yourself

Recent research found that 45% of young people who watched porn did so, in part, to “learn” about sex, but Douglas says: “Run a mile when it comes to being educated from porn, because it isn’t an honest representation.” If you feel clueless in the bedroom, she recommends educational websites around intimacy, like climax.com or OMGYes. If you must watch porn, use the ethical kind, says Douglas: “The site makelovenotporn.tv is diverse, real and respectful. You’ll see consent, and there are elements about the importance of touch, foreplay and eye contact.” You will also see different races and sexualities, and real bodies.

… and don’t let Covid get you down

There’s nothing like a pandemic to make dating even more stressful. But according to Dr Christian Jessen, life must go on: “If a young person asked me if they should go on a first date, I would say yes. Teenagers need to carry on having as normal a life as possible.” To mask or not to mask? Jessen says: “Follow the guidelines of wherever you are.” Maybe pop it in a message to your date beforehand, so there’s no surprises. Want to ask about someone’s vaccination status? Jessen says go for it: “It encourages more adult conversations down the line about things like STIs.”

Don’t get too fixated on pandemic fears, he adds. “It’s hard to separate dating anxiety from Covid anxiety, but don’t hide behind Covid as an excuse not to date. If you’re young, generally fit and healthy, meeting one person doesn’t put you at high risk – and meeting them outdoors even less so.”

And remember, dating should be fun …

It’s about meeting different people, connecting with them and figuring out what makes you tick. “There will be firsts, there will be laughs and there might be a few tears, but try to shake off any pressure and have fun,” says Pander. “I laugh at my teen dating experiences now – and I’m sure you will, too.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to take the BDSM test that’s going viral on TikTok

(and what it means)

It’s time we talked about this stuff.

By Tatyannah King

If you enjoyed taking the TikTok color personality test, wait ’til you learn about the test that guides you to explore your kinks and get a visual breakdown of all the things you might not even know you’d enjoy in bed.

TikTokers like @aw00ga66 and @brimcgreer are taking a resurfaced “online kink test” and sharing their results to the social media platform’s safe space for the BDSM community, commonly known as #kinktok. Related hashtags like #kinktestchallenge, #kinkchallenge, and #kinktestresults are getting more than half a million views combined.

A screengrab of a BDSM test with comments
TikTok users like @aw00ga66 are sparking conversation.
@brimcgreer laughs and hides their face in front of BDSM test results
@brimcgreer reacts to the test results.

Responding in the comments section of @brimcgreer’s video, people said things like, “I gotta retake that. I’ve changed since my last one”; “I have no 100% but I also have no 0% and I don’t know how to feel”; and “I got 100% switch” — which means someone who switches between submissive and dominant behaviors depending on the context.

While many TikTok users refer to the quiz as the “Kink Test,” it’s formally called the BDSM test, and it’s been around a lot longer than the latest viral TikTok trend. It was created in 2014 with the mission of making “a simple, accessible test to help beginning kinksters determine which labels are or aren’t suitable for them and to be a fun experience for everyone taking it, beginners and experts alike.”

The BDSM test has become established in the kink/fetlife community because it helps beginning kinksters find out which BDSM archetypes may or may not be their thing.

A mini-lesson on BDSM

You may have already gotten an idea of what BDSM is through its representations in pop culture like Fifty Shades of Grey and Rihanna’s S&M video, but here’s what it means in real life. BDSM is an umbrella term for sex acts that fall under the categories of Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. The acronym BDSM can be divided further into these categories:

  • Bondage: The act of restricting a partner’s freedom of movement with ropes, ties, handcuffs, or other restraints
  • Discipline: Agreed-upon rules and punishments for a dominant partner to exert control over a submissive partner
  • Dominance: The act of showing dominance over a physical partner, either during sex or outside of the bedroom
  • Submission: The act of showing submission to the dominant partner’s actions and wishes
  • Sadism: Refers to pleasure that a partner may feel from inflicting pain
  • Masochism: Refers to pleasure that a partner may feel from receiving pain

Though BDSM tends to be misunderstood and misinterpreted by the general population, it contains many common fantasies, like multi-partner sex and experimenting with power dynamics through role play. According to a 2016 survey of about 1000 people published in The Journal of Sex Research, nearly 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually.

So, how do you take the BDSM test?

First, visit bdsmtest.org. You can take the free BDSM test anonymously, or you can share your email and register an account with the website. Prior to taking the test, you’ll be prompted to answer general questions about your age, gender, and sexual orientation. You’ll have the option to select shorter or longer versions of the test, depending on your interest in BDSM. You’ll also be offered a way to filter out some questions that are aimed at either submissives and masochists or dominants and sadists, if you already know that’s not your thing. The demographic and basic information questions take about a minute to fill out. Then you’ll be ready to start the test, which takes about 15 minutes to complete.

See Also: A cult-favorite vibrator has a new companion, and she packs a punch

During the quiz, each question is formatted as a statement. You rate each statement — like “Feeling physically overpowered is one of the most liberating sexual feelings” or “I would like to have sex with multiple people at the same time” — on a 100% scale, ranking how much you agree with it, from “absolutely disagree” to “absolutely agree,” with the middle option being “neutral/no opinion.”

After answering the questions, you’ll get your results in the form of percentages that correspond to the 26 categories being ranked. For example, on the higher end, you may get 100 percent “voyeur” (someone who gets gratification by watching sexual acts) or 80 percent “switch.”

On the neutral end of the spectrum, you could get 50 percent “sadist” (someone who enjoys inflicting certain types of pain on others in a sexual context) or 43 percent “rope bunny” (someone who likes to be tied up and restrained using rope, chains, cuffs, spreader bars, etc).

Remember, the BDSM test is just for fun. Don’t get hung up on your results if they aren’t indicative of how you feel about your sex life in real life.

On the lower end of the spectrum, you may score 5 percent “brat” (someone who playfully pushes their dominant’s buttons by misbehaving in order to be “punished” by their dom) or 2 percent “degradee” (someone who like to be degraded and humiliated by their partner in the bedroom). If you’re unsure what certain terms mean, the BDSM test includes a page with definitions for each archetype here.

Remember, the BDSM test is just for fun. Don’t get hung up on your results if they aren’t indicative of how you feel about your sex life in real life. Though the test is often referred to as the kinky version of the Myers-Briggs personality test, neither test is scientific or definitive. Some people may find that their results represent them exactly; others may wonder how in the world they got the scores that they did. And some people may get a high score in a category they’ve never heard of and then take it upon themselves to explore it. Even then, it still might not be something they enjoy in the bedroom.

The BDSM test is a starting point for more conversations — and that’s a good thing

Due to the lack of comprehensive sex education in America’s education system and general stigma regarding human sexuality, our society isn’t the most sexually literate. But the fact that BDSM is being discussed on TikTok to the point where the #kinktok hashtag has gained 7.2 billion views — not to mention the numerous videos including both informative and silly kink-themed content — says a lot about shifting generational perspectives toward sex. People have tons of questions and curiosities about how their bodies receive pleasure, and for many, Tiktok has become the digital space to delve into sexual self-discovery and sex positivity.

The writer's test results from the BDSM test showing she's 100 percent Masochist and 100 percent Brat.
The author’s BDSM test results.

Unfortunately, Tiktok isn’t perfect. Due to its community guidelines, a lot has been censored when it comes to sex education of any kind, and the same can be said for social media platforms like Tumblr, Instagram, and Facebook. If Tiktok’s algorithm senses that a topic is “inappropriate” (a category many sex ed videos fall into, despite most of them being educational or comedic rather than explicit), that specific content may get restricted on the app and will get lower views, fewer likes, fewer shares, and less engagement overall.

In order to prevent a video from getting banned on the app, some TikTokers have resorted to spelling words like “porn” and “sex” incorrectly and avoiding relevant hashtags like #sex, #sexed, or #sexualhealth. Because “adult nudity and sexual activity” goes against TikTok’s guidelines, that puts kinky content at risk of getting banned as well.

There’s a ways to go until we have a truly sex positive society, but it’s reassuring to see younger millennials and Gen Z proudly pushing back and continuing to revolutionize the way our society discusses sex. They’re tired of feeling like they can’t talk about topics that are integral to the human experience, so they’re creating safe spaces to openly discuss sexual topics. In doing so, they’re not only acquiring more knowledge about their own pleasure but also helping to de-stigmatize topics in human sexuality that many still view as taboo — one BDSM test at a time.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s Why Orgasming During Masturbation Can Be Easier Than During Sex

Here are the best ways to beat that pesky performance anxiety.

By

Most of us love to have orgasms, which is why it can be frustrating when some of them come easier than others. You might find you can cum in less than a minute when you’re masturbating to porn by yourself, but then, when you’re with a partner, it’s a whole ‘nother story.

If that’s happening to you, I can confirm you’re not alone. As the sex advice columnist here at Men’s Health, I’ve received countless questions from men who can orgasm no problem during solo masturbation but can’t say the same for when they’re with a partner—even if they’re really attracted to them.

There are numerous possible reasons why you can’t reach completion when with a partner, and, not surprisingly—since your body is clearly capable of having an orgasm—most of them are in your head. (Not the head downstairs—the head that holds your brain.)

“The socially constructed stakes when sexually pleasuring oneself are undeniably different than when you’re [with one or more people],” explains Benjamin Goldman, MHC-LP, a therapist at Citron Hennessey Private Therapy. “During sex, the man is playing the role of a ‘performer,’” Goldman adds. (Not to mention that you might be self-conscious about your penis, worried you won’t be able to stay hard, or about a billion other common stressors.) Meanwhile, during masturbation, you have no audience, making it easier to relax and enjoy the experience.

When you’re stressed about performing, you’re not going to be able to perform. It’s a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy. “Furthermore, when it comes to performance anxiety, we can develop self-downing thoughts that trigger the same hormones and neurotransmitters that the body pumps when you’re stressed or anxious,” Goldman says.

While that loop is really challenging to break, luckily, it’s not impossible.

So, how do you start orgasming with a partner?

The key is reducing anxiety and stress, so here are some tips for getting out of your head when you’re in bed with another partner.

1. Remember that porn is fantasy.

You should not be comparing yourself to the 10-inch dudes who are seemingly pounding away for hours. You don’t see what happens off-screen: all the times he can’t get hard, how he couldn’t cum while doing the money shot, so he’s watching porn on his phone while shooting on their face, etc. Porn isn’t real. So stop expecting to perform like a porn star. If you’re pressuring yourself to perform like all the dudes you see in porn, you’re gonna be on a one-way street to anxiety town—and orgasms require relaxation, not stress.

2. Cool it on watching porn.

Not sure how? Here are some tips! While I’m pro-porn, a 2019 systematic review of 184 articles published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine found that high porn consumption is correlated with desensitization. So if you’re consistently watching kinky 25-person BDSM orgies, it’s going to be tough to orgasm when you’re having missionary sex with just one other person.

3. Incorporate sex toys.

This might not fix the psychological aspect, but my god, do vibrating cock rings and butt plugs feel goddamn amazing. If there’s a toy that you like to use during masturbation, consider using it with your partner! Maybe you even do mutual masturbation side by side, so you’re sort of bridging the gap between solo time and partner play. We have countless articles at Men’s Health with sex toy recommendations, but I’d check out best sex toys for men, best sex toys for couples, best cock rings, and best prostate massagers.

4, Communication, communication, communication!

“Communication and a sense of safety and are essential tools to have more mutually satisfying sex,” Goldman says. “Communicating about your sexual wants and tending to the wants of your partner might help enable more orgasms.” When you feel comfortable and connected with your partner, it’s easier to enjoy sex. When they know exactly what you like, and you know their turn-ons—so you know they’re experiencing pleasure—that also makes it a lot easier to have a fun and relaxed time. This will increase the likelihood of you orgasming.

Additionally, before having sex, I’d let your partner know that you struggle orgasming when with another person. If you want to be cutesy, you can even say, “It’s just a sign that I’m a little nervous because I like you.”

Often when a man can’t cum, the partner thinks it’s their problem. They think, “Is he not into me?” “Am I not hot enough?” “Am I doing something wrong?” So then they feel insecure (or lash out), which creates a terrible sexual dynamic. You’re actually more likely to orgasm when you address it because you know it’s okay if you don’t finish!

Remember, sex isn’t all about orgasming.

Yes, orgasms feel amazing. Yes, we should all strive to have them. “However, it might be valuable to reframe the goal of sex as an orgasm altogether,” Goldman says. “By developing communication and sense of safety, partners may conclude that orgasm, in fact, is not the end goal of sex.”

Let’s be real, guys; sex still feels damn good when you can’t cum. Having an orgasm isn’t the end-all-be-all of sex. So, if you sometimes (or often) can’t, don’t fret. It just means you can have sex for longer, which is not a bad silver lining.

Complete Article HERE!

Do Genes Drive How We Feel About Sex and Drugs?

By Lisa Rapaport

Our moral reaction to getting high or a night of casual Netflix and chill — a modern euphemism for having casual sex — may trace in part to our DNA. A new study suggests that our genes could shape our views on these behaviors just as much our environment does.Social scientists have typically assumed that our morals are shaped by the people most present during our childhoods — like our parents, teachers, and friends — and what we experience in our culture — whether from books, television, or TikTok.Results of the new study, published in Psychological Science, suggest that genetics may at least partly explain our moral reactions.

The researchers surveyed more than 8,000 people in Finland, all either fraternal or identical twin pairs or siblings. They asked participants about their views on recreational drug use and sex outside of a committed relationship. Twin studies help scientists tease out the role of nature versus nurture because identical twins usually have the same DNA sequences, but fraternal twins have only about half of their DNA in common.

Investigators compared survey responses to see how much shared DNA explained negative opinions about casual sex and drug use and how much could be attributed instead to a shared environment or unique experiences between the twins.Views on sex and drugs were at least 40% attributable to shared DNA and the remainder attributable to unique experiences, the study found. Views on sex and drugs were also strongly linked, with considerable overlap in opinions about each category.One limitation of the work is common to twin studies in general. These studies cannot distinguish whether certain genes are activated by a shared childhood environment or if some gene variants drive the choice of certain types of environments.

Complete Article HERE!

Stealthing: What is it and why is it sexual assault?

BY COBY RENKIN

We’re all taught about sexual assault growing up and we all hear about it in the news when it unfortunately occurs. We hear about online and workplace harassment, inappropriate name-calling and touching, and we hear about rape.

But what many of us don’t hear about is the act of stealthing. Stealthing is a form of sexual assault punishable by the law in some parts of Australia, but many Australians have never even heard of it.

So what is stealthing? Senior lecturer in criminology and justice Dr Brianna Chesser describes stealthing as the “non-consensual condom removal during sex. In this case, the removal of a condom would require ‘fresh consent’, as it has legally changed the conditions of the sexual act”.

According to Dr Chesser, stealthing affects more members of our community than we might think. “A 2018 study by Monash University and the Melbourne Sexual Health Centre surveyed 2,000 people and found one in three women, and almost one in five men who have sex with men, had experienced stealthing.” Only one per cent of the victims who responded to this survey reported the incident to the police.

As Dr Chesser explains, stealthing is a sexual offence and could be punishable by law. “Committing a sexual offence in any jurisdiction in Australia is a very serious crime and could lead to a term of imprisonment.”

But unfortunately, not every state or territory in Australia reflects this. Laws in the ACT recently changed to outlaw stealthing; the amended Crimes Act now makes it illegal to remove a condom during sex or to not use one at all, if a previous agreement was made to use one.

While this is good news, they were the first jurisdiction in Australia to do so, meaning that there are no laws expressly criminalising the act in the rest of Australia. However, this doesn’t mean a person cannot be convicted for stealthing – a conviction is dependent on existing consent laws and can fall under the offences of rape or sexual assault.

A paper by Alexandra Brodsky in the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law describes stealthing as “rape-adjacent” and states it should be understood as a violation of consent. 

Like any violation of consent, stealthing presents a risk to the health of victims. “Stealthing poses a multitude of risks to both physical and psychological health, including the transmission of sexually transmitted infections and HIV, as well as unplanned pregnancies, depression, anxiety, and in some cases post-traumatic stress disorder,” Dr Chesser tells me. 

In the study by Monash University, eight per cent of women and five per cent of men who have sex with men reported that they believed they had acquired an STI following the incident. One per cent of women and two per cent of men who have sex with men believed they had acquired HIV as a consequence of being stealthed.

Brodsky’s paper describes being a victim of stealthing as “a disempowering, demeaning violation of a sexual agreement”. Like any other form of sexual assault, stealthing can result in devastating consequences for a victim’s mental health. Fear following the trauma of sexual assault can evolve into anxiety, depression, PTSD and suicidal ideation. 

Despite all the negativity here, important conversations about stealthing are growing and awareness is spreading. Incidents are being taken seriously, it’s being talked about in the news and it has even featured in pop culture.

In Michaela Coel’s acclaimed TV series I May Destroy You, the protagonist Arabella finds out a man she slept with secretly took off his condom during sex, and names and shames him. Here’s hoping with more awareness and harsher laws, stealthing becomes a thing of the past.

Complete Article HERE!

Could Opening Up Your Relationship Fix It?

By Quinn Rhodes

What does an open relationship have in common with getting married, having a baby and moving in with your partner? That’s right: none of them is a way to fix problems in a relationship. With an increased awareness of non-monogamous relationship structures, the myth that polyamory is a ‘fix’ for a broken relationship is also gaining momentum.

However, the reality is that non-monogamy isn’t ever easy – and it definitely won’t fix a relationship that’s not working.

Non-monogamous, polyamorous, open, monogamish – these are all words to describe relationships that fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy, where people date, have sex and have romantic relationships with more than one person. The language people use to describe their relationships, as well as the intricacies of how they work, is different for each person and each relationship. But one thing is generally true across the board: opening up your relationship is unlikely to be the solution to the issues you’re experiencing within it.

That’s not to say that people don’t try. Dr Liz Powell, a licensed psychologist specialising in non-monogamous relationships, explains that they see this a lot. They describe it as the phenomenon of “relationship broken? Add more people!” In Dr Powell’s view, too often people try to apply polyamory like a plaster when they’re struggling with differences in sexual desires or how they want to split their time and priorities.

An open relationship could, theoretically, help with those issues. In reality, problems often begin when someone is feeling hurt, unheard or unseen by their partner. Without resolving that conflict in the first instance, and instead just opening up the relationship, you allow that pain to fester and resentment to build on top of the struggles you’re already experiencing and, crucially, communication that perhaps isn’t working.

Dr Powell says: “If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems – aside from the fact that it’s likely to end your relationship.”

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.
Dr Liz Powell

For Sam, who is 30 years old and non-binary, opening up their relationship did bring it to a very necessary end. After half a decade without sex, and a partner who wouldn’t discuss it, they had given their then-partner an ultimatum: they could open up the relationship so Sam could get their sexual needs met or they could break up. Opening up their relationship “revealed all the weaknesses, all the communication flaws and the fact it was abusive”. So they broke up.

Sam realised that while they had initially approached polyamory for the “wrong” reasons, they still wanted it. Their monogamous relationship hadn’t been working and opening it up didn’t fix that – but it did help them understand what they actually want from a relationship.

Twenty-nine-year-old Ellen and her now-fiancé had discussed ethical non-monogamy for a while before they opened up their relationship, after she confessed that she had a crush on someone in her running group. Her fiancé told her it was totally fine and that he also had crushes on people sometimes. When they initially opened their relationship, they tried to enforce strict boundaries, like ‘no one we know’ or ‘no sleepovers’. “I found myself going back and asking if we could actually modify those rules,” says Ellen.

While these rules may seem to make sense, they run up against the fact that people are, well, people. Human hearts are hard to predict and even harder to control. Lots of couples approach non-monogamy like this, thinking that if they create the right rules then they won’t fall in love. The reality is far messier.

Dr Powell explains that strict rules about how people should and shouldn’t feel usually end up creating more conflict. “All it does is create new ways to have fights about people having feelings that are totally reasonable and normal feelings to have when you’re interacting with other people.”

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it.

In looking for a quick fix, people can seriously underestimate just how much work goes into opening up a relationship. Despite the tropes we see whenever polyamory gets any visibility, most non-monogamous people are not constantly attending sex parties full of super attractive people. It’s less throuples and threesomes, and much more coordinating calendars and having hard conversations about everyone’s emotions.

Both Ellen and Sam put in a huge amount of practical work to maintain their relationships. Ellen also has a secondary partner (a secondary relationship is one where, either by intent or by circumstance, the partners have less involvement than their primary relationship) and her open relationship with her fiancé really forces them to communicate. “We check in with each other constantly and plan our own date nights – particularly if we’ve been busy. And while that could mean with other people, more often it means with work or life stuff that bogs us down.”

Dr Powell says that monogamy and non-monogamy take the same skills and require the same things in order to function well – it’s just that in non-monogamy you can’t assume that the normal ‘scripts’ of a relationship apply. You spend more time communicating out of necessity, because you can’t fall back on society’s defaults about what your relationship ‘should’ look like.

Kelvin, who is 23 years old and a trans guy, has had to do a lot of personal growth to make his current non-monogamous relationship work. “I had to learn that it’s okay to be insecure and while nobody else owes you comfort about it, you should feel able to communicate and talk about it in your relationships.”

For Ellen, opening up her relationship gave her a lens to explore her own vulnerabilities and look at what’s important to her in a relationship. She’s learned how to handle rejection – something you don’t expect to feel the sting of when you’re in a long-term partnership – and the difference between privacy and secrecy.

While she likes to share her experiences as a way of feeling close to her fiancé, he prefers not to talk about the other people he’s seeing. She knows that this doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything from her: he’s allowed to process his feelings internally and he has different ways of building intimacy with her. “I’m learning to accept that I can’t be everything for my partner, just like he’s not everything for me. And that’s okay! He’s still my favourite person, and I’m thrilled to be building a life together with him.”

When non-monogamy works for people, all of this work is worth it, but in the process of normalising non-monogamous relationships, portrayals of polyamory often gloss over all of this work. And as Sam, who currently has two nesting partners and a girlfriend, points out – they miss out the laundry.

Even if you’re prepared to do the work (and the laundry), non-monogamy might not be for you. In certain non-monogamous circles, you find the idea that polyamory is somehow a ‘morally superior’ relationship structure. It’s not; it’s just a different relationship structure, one that may or may not work for you. However, there can be a sense – especially in queer spaces – that polyamory is the ‘right’ thing to do.

This is what Kelvin felt when he and his partner opened up the first relationship he was in. He says that they dove into it without understanding the difficulties that come with navigating non-monogamy. Having been socialised in online queer spaces, polyamory was considered a completely legitimate choice (which is excellent), but as a trans person who wanted to date other trans people, it also felt like the only choice Kelvin was given (which is not).

Associating non-monogamous relationships with always being the secondary partner and being held at an emotional distance, Kelvin wasn’t sure polyamory was for him. In his current relationship, however, his nesting partner really puts in the work to ensure he doesn’t feel replaceable or disposable. This time around, pursuing non-monogamy feels a lot more deliberate for Kelvin. “I’m doing it because I want to date and see all the people I’m dating and seeing, not because it feels like I have to choose between letting my partner date other people and not having a partner.”

It’s easy to hope that opening up a relationship will fix your problems. It’s much harder to look at what might be causing those problems and unpacking the assumptions you hold about relationships and how they’re not serving you. Dr Powell suggests that it’s unhelpful to think of opening up your relationship as adding more people to it. Instead, you should think about it as breaking down everything you know about your relationship and building it up from scratch.

In fact, whether or not you want a non-monogamous relationship, negotiating exactly what your relationship is going to look like – rather than relying on the scripts we’re sold as to how relationships ‘should’ look – will probably help you.

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it. Polyamory is incredible, sure, but it’s incredible because of the vulnerable and intimate ways we connect to other people. And because we’re human, with hearts that rarely behave exactly as we’d like them to and feelings that won’t always do what they’re told, those connections require as much work and investment as monogamous ones

Complete Article HERE!

6 confidence-boosting sex positions for when you’re feeling shy about your body or sexpertise

By

  • If you’re lacking confidence in bed, try starting with a simple position like missionary.
  • Reverse cowgirl and doggy style can be great for people who are self-conscious of their belly area.
  • For a little more adventure without going too wild, try the leapfrog or the lotus position. 

If you feel self-conscious during sex, you’re not alone. Sex can bring up lots of insecurities — about body image, sexual inexperience, and more.

In fact, one survey found that 82% of men and 91% of women don’t always feel confident about their bodies when having sex, and 86% of men and 89% of women don’t always feel confident in their sexual ability.

It’s important to note that while the sex positions listed below are ones that don’t require a ton of sexual prowess and where you can control how much of your body is exposed, learning to have a positive body image can boost your mental health.

Understand that comparing yourself to people you see on social media can lead to unhealthy, debilitating habits like eating disorders. Therefore, if you’re reading this because you’re ashamed of how your body looks, it’s important to take steps to love yourself.

In the meantime, as you are building your confidence and self-respect, you can try out some of the following sex positions for some variety and excitement.

1. Missionary

Missionary is a tried and true sex position. Your bodies will be right up against each other and you’ll be face to face, meaning your partner won’t be seeing too much of your body, says Melinda DeSeta, LMHC, certified sex therapist at Insight Counseling Center Miami.

Plus, this position is super simple, making it a great choice if you’re not confident in your sexual abilities.

To get into missionary, follow these steps:

  1. The partner being penetrated lies flat on their back.
  2. The penetrating partner gets on top, lying directly on top of their partner, and enters.

2. Reverse cowgirl

If you’re the partner being penetrated and you’re self-conscious of your belly or breasts, being on top can feel intimidating. Instead of traditional cowgirl, DeSeta suggests trying reverse cowgirl. 

To get into reverse cowgirl, follow these steps:

1. The penetrating partner lies flat on their back.

  • The partner being penetrated straddles their partner over their pelvis region, facing away from their partner.
  • 3. Doggy style

    Doggy is another tried and true position that’s simple and easy to do, even for those who are sexually inexperienced, says Ditza Katz, PT, PhD, clinical sexologist at the Women’s Therapy Center.

    Plus, neither partner’s body will be on full display.

    To get into doggy style, follow these steps:

    1. The partner being penetrated gets on all fours. If it’s more comfortable, they can then lower down onto their elbows.
    2. The penetrating partner kneels behind their partner and enters. 

    4. Leapfrog

    The leapfrog is a doggy style variation that may allow you to focus more on pleasure, rather than stewing about how your body looks to your partner.

    The altered shape of leapfrog can feel a bit more sexually adventurous than doggy (while still being simple), so you can boost your sexual self-esteem.

    To get into leapfrog, follow these steps:

    1. The partner being penetrated gets on all fours and then stretches their arms out in front of them, so their chest is down towards the bed and they are resting their head down on the bed or a pillow.
    2. The penetrating partner kneels behind their partner and enters. 

    5. Spooning

    For another position where neither partner’s body is too exposed, Katz recommends a side by side spooning position.

    To get in this position, follow these steps:

    1. Both partners lie on the same side so they are spooning, flush against each other.
    2. The penetrating partner enters from behind (they may need to slide down a bit or adjust their positioning so the pelvises will be aligned for penetration). 

    6. Lotus

    The lotus is another position where your partner won’t see too much of your body (and vice versa), says DeSeta.

    It’s also simple to do, but since you’ll be sitting upright, you might feel a little bit more adventurous than you would in a position like missionary, which can help improve your sexual confidence. To get in this position, follow these steps:

    1. The penetrating partner sits down with their legs crossed.
    2. The partner being penetrated straddles and sits on their partner’s lap, wrapping their legs around them.
    3. Maneuver your bodies so you’re aligned for penetration.

    Insider’s takeaway

    Don’t let your lack of confidence hold you back from having, and more importantly, enjoying sex. You deserve to feel pleasure and have fun in bed.

    Try out these positions and see what works best for you and makes you feel the most confident.

    Complete Article HERE!

    How Cancer Changed My Sex Life

    By Elizabeth Bennett

    When Rebecca, 31, was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2019, her sex life with her partner was a welcome distraction. “We were like teenagers again. There’s nothing like being faced with your own mortality to make you want to feel alive and nothing makes you feel more alive than having sex,” she said. “With cancer I felt let down by my body and sex became a way of reconciling myself with it. It became a psychological thing I needed to do,” she added.

    However, when Rebecca started chemo, the treatment affected her sex life. Specifically, she suffered from vaginal dryness and then vaginismus, a condition where the vaginal muscles tighten up, preventing penetration. “When I asked my doctor about whether it was a side effect of chemo, she didn’t know how common it was because no one talks about it.”

    Although one in two people in Canada will be diagnosed with some form of cancer during their lifetime, its impact on sex and intimacy is rarely talked about in the medical field, let alone wider society. Naturally, going through cancer treatment impacts your sexual life in myriad ways. “The most common difficulties for women I see are loss of sexual desire, difficulties becoming sexually aroused or vaginal changes such as pain,” explained Isabel White, a COSRT senior accredited psychosexual therapist who specializes in working with people who have or have had cancer.

    Issues stem from both the physical and the mental repercussions of treatment. “It can be a physical origin such as treatment-induced menopause that’s very common after hormonal breast cancers, or mental health issues. Low mood and anxiety are two conditions found more commonly in cancer patients versus the general population and these have a significant adverse effect on sexual wellbeing.” Body changes can have a huge effect too. “Hair loss, weight change or loss of body parts associated with eroticism can adversely affect body confidence and the ability to connect with people when being sexually intimate,” Isabel added.

    For Bronte, who was diagnosed with leukaemia aged 21, the physical toll of her illness made continuing her sex life with her boyfriend of two years really hard. “I was often exhausted when I was able to see my partner, or just really ill, and the last thing on my mind was taking my clothes off. With so many changes happening to my body I experienced a lot of body image and identity issues which made me hate myself a lot of the time and feel completely disconnected from what I saw in the mirror. This really impacted our intimacy because I simply didn’t feel comfortable in my skin, let alone feel sexy.”

    The practical elements of being ill were tricky to navigate, too. “We were both at uni so when I was diagnosed I went back to my parents’ for treatment, which meant we were a three-hour journey away from each other,” Bronte explained. Rediscovering her sex life has been a long process. “Three years later I’m still slowly rebuilding and discovering new interests and desires. As I discovered myself again and recognized my reflection I became more confident and the intimacy naturally followed. It did take an extremely long time for my libido to build back up and I’m so lucky to have a super supportive partner who stuck with me through it all.”

    Some cancer patients are advised to avoid sex altogether. Maria, who was diagnosed with leukaemia aged 17, was told to completely refrain from any sexual activity due to the risk of infection. “It was like a hypothetical chastity belt,” she said. Single at the time, she found her libido had ​​also completely diminished. “Previously I would think about romance and sexual activity a lot but that completely disappeared,” she added. During this time she also worried about how she would date again. “I started to get depressed thinking about it and thought I wouldn’t be good enough for anyone again since I didn’t think I could ‘perform’ or live up to a guy’s expectations.”

    Kimia, now 30, also struggled with dating after suffering from non-Hodgkin lymphoma aged 21. “At first I was worried about dating again but as my confidence increased after coming out as bi, I thought, This is me, and if prospective partners act weird about my cancer history, then whatever. As soon as people see my scars, I tell them the full story,” she explained. “Luckily, I’m now in a loving relationship with someone who doesn’t treat me differently,” she added.

    For some women, reconnecting with their sexuality after cancer is made harder by the drugs they are prescribed to prevent cancer from returning. Joon, who was diagnosed with breast cancer aged 37, has to take tamoxifen for up to 10 years. This very commonly prescribed drug induces early menopause. “It feels like your most intimate life – your skin, sexuality and intimacy with your partner – go out the window. You feel like an old woman,” she told us. “I had a healthy sex life before but suddenly I didn’t want to have sex anymore. Vaginal dryness is also a real bummer.”

    Unlike male treatments (for example, Viagra), there are fewer options for women in terms of drugs that can improve sex life. Like so many areas of female health, the gap here is significant. “It’s harder to get funding for research into sexual difficulties in women versus men as a lot of money comes from pharmaceutical companies,” Isabel points out.

    In 2010, Isabel was appointed by the Royal Marsden in London (the UK’s top cancer hospital) as its first in-house psychosexual therapist – a position created in response to patient demand. Therapists like Isabel are available in some NHS hospitals but not everywhere or for everyone going through cancer. With cuts to NHS funding, these sorts of services are often the first to go. Alongside the need for greater sexual health resources, Isabel highlights the importance of more research into this area, especially from a female perspective.

    The lack of knowledge in this field comes up again and again when I speak to women who have had cancer. Twenty-four-year-old Lynsey was surprised by how little information about contraception was provided when she was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of 2021. As her cancer was hormonal she had to stop taking the contraceptive pill. “They make it really clear you can’t get pregnant during your cancer treatment but no one gave me much advice on alternatives. In the end I phoned the sexual health services, who suggested the non-hormonal coil,” she explained. When Lynsey started chemo, she also struggled to find information about safe sex practices. “It’s suggested you use condoms because of the drugs going around your body but no one seems to really know whether that’s just straight after chemo or up to a week after,” she said. “It’s concerning that there is not more research or information on this,” she added.

    Finding support can be life-changing. During her treatment for leukaemia, Maria had access to a women’s health clinic run by a nurse with whom she felt comfortable discussing her sexuality. “Although the information was catered to older female patients, it still gave me some confidence. If it wasn’t for that nurse’s advice I don’t think I would have the confidence to dive back into masturbation or dating.”

    Thanks to some women, the narrative around sex and cancer is hopefully set to change. “We need to talk about it so women don’t feel embarrassed and the medical community knows it’s an important issue,” Rebecca explained. As a producer at ethical adult filmmaker Erika Lust, Rebecca decided to use her position to change the current conversation.

    “I wanted to make a film about cancer without death. Culturally we are 30 years behind where we are with cancer medically. We still see cancer as a death sentence and it’s just not the case,” she said. After all, there’s an 87% survival rate for young people experiencing cancer. “Sex in society is one taboo, female sexuality is another taboo, put on top of that sexuality when [you have cancer] and it’s a triple taboo,” she said. Inspired by her own experience, Wash Me is an intimate and hopeful portrait of a woman rediscovering her body and desire after cancer. The film aims to raise awareness of the intimacy struggles faced by people with serious illnesses while inspiring others who are going through cancer treatment not to give up on their sexuality but claim it back.

    Joon also aims to shift the narrative with her platform sexwithcancer.com. Created with friend, fellow artist and former cancer patient Brian Lobel, it’s a sex shop, a resource for peer-led advice, a platform for artist work and a place to explore journeys around cancer that are harder to dive into. “We need to start thinking about cancer as a chronic condition like mental health or diabetes. We need to think beyond survival about how we live more fully as whole human beings,” she explained. “Pleasure and intimacy are so much about life and what is the point in living if you are just surviving?”

    Complete Article HERE!

    Couples therapists share 6 relationship red flags you shouldn’t ignore

    If you can’t communicate openly with your partner, then your relationship may suffer.

    By

    • Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying.
    • You should also be wary of a partner that frequently criticizes you or puts you down.
    • Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn’t be one-sided.

    We’re always told to steer clear of people who exhibit red flags in relationships, but exactly what red flags should we be looking out for?

    When dating someone new, the romance and excitement of the “honeymoon phase” can blind you, and you may not be aware of the warning signs. Red flags like constant put-downs can signal a kind of emotional abuse, which is relatively common.

    According to a CDC survey, about 47.1% of women and 46.5% of men have experienced some form of psychological aggression in a relationship.

    It can help to know what red flags to look out for so that you can proceed with caution or cut things off if necessary. 

    1. Frequent lying

    If you’re constantly catching your partner being dishonest, then it isn’t a good sign.

    “We are all guilty of telling white lies, however, if you notice that your partner is consistently deceiving or getting caught in lies, it is a red flag,” says Samara Quintero, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Choosing Therapy.

    These can be small lies like being dishonest about where they’re going — or big lies like not telling you how much debt they have.

    If you’re being lied to over and over again, this can make it difficult to build a solid foundation in the relationship or destroy one that you’ve already built, which can lead to a shaky future, says Quintero.

    2. Constant put-downs

    If your partner frequently criticizes you or puts you down, even if it’s in a subtle or passive-aggressive way, this can affect your self-esteem.

    “This is a form of emotional abuse that can lead to feelings of anxiety and insecurity in the partnership,” says Quintero.

    She says some common examples might sound like:

    1. “You’re lucky I’m still with you because you’ll never do better than me.”
    2. “You sound so ridiculous when you try to be funny.”

    A 2013 study found that emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse, both contributing to depression and low self-esteem –– so this red flag should certainly be taken seriously.

    “Addressing this behavior with your partner is imperative, and if they refuse to take responsibility or express a willingness to change, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship,” says Quintero.

    3. Unwillingness to compromise

    If your partner isn’t willing to compromise, even when it comes to the little things, you should proceed with caution. 

    “If you’re in a relationship with someone who seems to make everything one-sided, you may end up over-compromising and wind up feeling resentful, hurt, misunderstood, and unsatisfied,” says Emily Simonian, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Head of Learning at Thriveworks.

    In healthy relationships, it’s crucial that you consider each other’s needs and desires, and that compromise isn’t a one way street.

    4. A tendency to run away from difficult discussions

    If your partner lacks the emotional or behavioral skills needed to cope with problems and runs away from them instead, this can have a negative effect on your relationship.

    Some examples of this are if your partner will walk away from arguments without hearing you out, or ignore you for days at a time when things get rough.

    People who have trouble tolerating difficult emotions tend to lash out or flee when the going gets tough, Simonian says. Even healthy relationships will go through rough patches, so you want to be sure that your partner will communicate effectively with you instead of running away when things get hard.

    5. Controlling behavior and excessive jealousy

    If your partner is very jealous, this may lead to controlling behavior.

    For example, Simonian says they might feel jealous when you have a social life outside of your relationship. A jealous partner may also suffocate you with excessive calls or texts and try to control what you do going forward.

    “Attempts to control usually start off subtly, but eventually increase in intensity and can often leave you feeling as though nothing you do is ‘good enough.’ If you notice yourself feeling smothered or consistently altering your behavior in order to appease their jealousy, it could be a sign of bigger issues to come,” says Simonian.

    A 2010 meta-analysis found that as jealousy in a relationship increases, the relationship quality decreases, showing that jealousy has a negative effect on romantic relationships. Additionally, a 2014 study found that in relationships where a partner acted too possessive in the early stages, they were more likely to have an unhealthy communication style later in the relationship.

    6. Lack of healthy open communication

    If your partner turns to passive-aggressiveness, blaming, or expressing emotions in an aggressive way, Quintero says this is ineffective communication.

    Communication is one of the foundations of a relationship, so if you both can’t communicate openly and healthily, you’re going to run into problems.

    “A healthy relationship provides a safe place for both partners to speak openly on their emotions without fear of judgment or criticism,” says Quintero.

    A 2017 study found that communication early in a relationship may play a role in future relationship satisfaction, and that satisfaction with communication in the beginning of a relationship may result in more amicable partnership later on.

    Insider’s takeaway

    When you notice red flags early in a relationship, it’s important to take note of them.

    Whether it’s running into lies, experiencing possessiveness, or being put down, you should take it seriously and consider how they might impact your relationship not just in the near future but also down the line.

    Complete Article HERE!

    Your Guide To Sex & Intimacy After Giving Birth

    by Sarah Regan

    There are a number of things to consider when having sex after giving birth, from how soon you can actually do it to what bodily and hormonal changes you should expect. So, we asked experts for their best sex advice in the weeks following delivery.

    How soon after birth is it OK to have sex?

    It’s generally recommended that women wait six weeks to have intercourse after delivery, functional medicine gynecologist Wendie Trubow, M.D., MBA, tells mbg. “The tissue can take four to six weeks to fully heal—either vaginal or cesarean tissue—so it’s best to wait the full six weeks.”

    Always double-check with your doctor when it comes to individual needs and timeline, though. And as certified sex therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson, LCSW, CST, adds, you also want to listen to your body. “It really depends on the individual, and you may need more than six weeks, and that’s perfectly OK,” she says.

    You might be wondering if having sex after giving birth is painful. It can be, according to Trubow, which is why it’s important to give yourself time to heal, as well as to be mindful when you do have sex. “The vagina may be tender if a woman had any tearing, so it’s important to not rush,” she says, adding that it may be important not to jump right into vaginal intercourse without engaging in some other sexual play first.

    2. It might take longer to get aroused.

    “Because nursing often suppresses ovulation, women typically feel like their libido is less when nursing,” Trubow explains. “It’s still possible to become aroused and have an orgasm; it just may take longer.”

    Having a new baby is also obviously an exhausting change, she adds, which can also take a toll on libido. “Women often need more [warming up] when in the immediate postpartum time since their focus is often on their newborn,” she explains.

    Take the time you need to turn yourself on, and get creative with your partners building up sexual desire.

    3. You might want to spend more time with different types of sexual play.

    Trubow recommends prioritizing sexual activities other than intercourse, aka what some people refer to as “foreplay.” She adds that it can take up to 30 minutes for a woman’s vagina to lengthen fully through arousal and stimulation, so if vaginal intercourse is something you want to engage in, it’s important to start with some other fun sexual play first. “And that makes intercourse more pleasurable and less uncomfortable,” she explains.

    4. You can get pregnant postpartum.

    Yes, you can get pregnant postpartum, Trubow says. Nursing does often inhibit ovulation, though not always, she says. You also ovulate before you have your first period post-delivery. “So, if you have unprotected intercourse and think you’re fine since you haven’t had a period yet, you could get pregnant if you’re ovulating, and you wouldn’t know it for a while,” she explains. So she says it’s important to use protection to prevent an immediate pregnancy, in case a woman is quick to ovulate after delivery.

    5. You may experience higher libido when you ovulate.

    While libido may be lower following delivery and during nursing, women may experience higher libido when they start to ovulate again, according to Trubow. You may notice a boost to your libido during ovulation, so that may be a good time to prioritize sex.

    6. Your body is going through a lot.

    It’s important to give yourself grace and have realistic expectations around sex after delivery, according to Blaylock-Johnson. “Your body may not do exactly the things it did before childbirth, but you can still have pleasurable, enjoyable sexual experiences,” she says.

    She adds that fluctuating hormones can affect not only your libido but how well you naturally lubricate, and more. If you didn’t have any challenges with that before childbirth, you may have some challenges now, and that’s OK, she adds.

    Tips for enhancing the experience:

    1. Nurse first.

    According to Trubow, if a woman is nursing, “it’s often helpful to nurse and then empty the breasts by pumping, to avoid having a milk letdown with nipple stimulation.”

    2. Take your time.

    Trubow also advises taking your time when it comes to postpartum sex, both in terms of how long you wait after delivery but also taking your time during the sex itself. If you want to wait longer than six weeks to have sex, that’s totally OK, she notes. And during intercourse, “if there is vaginal penetration, go slowly at the beginning,” she adds.

    3. Don’t jump straight into intercourse.

    There are many different kinds of sex to enjoy, only one of which is penis-in-vagina intercourse, notes Blaylock-Johnson. Even if that’s one sexual act that you’re definitely wanting to have, Trubow says it’s important to start with other types of sexual play. Not only is clitoral stimulation more likely to make a woman reach orgasm, but it’ll also help the vagina to lengthen so penetration is more comfortable. Again, it can take up to 30 minutes of arousal and stimulation for the vagina to lengthen fully.

    4. Figure out positions that feel good for you.

    After the healing period, Trubow says most positions should be fine. That said, she notes, “sometimes after a cesarean section, positions that minimize the depth of penetration are more comfortable,” so you may want to avoid legs over the partner’s shoulders or doggy style.

    5. Try pelvic floor exercises.

    According to Blaylock-Johnson, it’s not a bad idea to work your pelvic floor muscles post-delivery, and even consider working with a pelvic floor physical therapist if needed. “Kegels are great, but I think taking it a step further and working with a pelvic floor physical therapist can be beneficial,” she says, so you ensure you’re working and rehabilitating those muscles properly.

    6. Use lubricant.

    Because vaginal dryness isn’t uncommon following delivery, both Blaylock-Johnson and Trubow recommend using lubricant when you need it. “It’s perfectly OK to find a lube that works well with your body,” Blaylock-Johnson tells mbg. She adds that if you’re not using barrier methods with your partner, coconut oil as lube works well. If you are using protection, however, “then look at a good water-based or silicone-based lube,” she says. (Here are our fave natural lubes.)

    7. Experiment.

    Last but certainly not least, a new baby brings many changes, including to your sex life, so take some time to figure out what works for you now. And as Blaylock-Johnson notes, you don’t have to limit your sexual experiences solely to intercourse, either. “There are so many other ways you can experience pleasure outside of penis-and-vagina intercourse,” she adds.

    Why maintaining intimacy is important.

    In the days, weeks, months, and (let’s be honest) even years following the birth of a child, it’s important for parents to continually work on maintaining an intimate relationship as partners. And that doesn’t just mean sexual intimacy, though it’s certainly a factor.

    Make time for each other, Blaylock-Johnson recommends—for sex but also just to be together and connect. “I often see couples becoming so lost in the new role of parent that they forget to be partners, so it’s important that you prioritize time to connect,” she notes.

    Even if it’s just taking a few minutes while your baby is sleeping, sit down and check in with each other, she suggests. “And if you have the luxury of having someone to help with child care,” she adds, “then definitely set up date nights if you can.”

    In short, she recommends maximizing your time together, especially away from screens. “If you can just prioritize that time to be partners outside of parents,” she says, “that will help keep the spark alive.”

    The bottom line.

    Having a baby affects virtually every area of your life, including your sex life. But that doesn’t mean your sex life has to suffer—and neither does the intimacy between you and your partner. Understanding what’s happening with your body, taking it slow, and experimenting with what works will all help as you and your partner get back into the groove while navigating having a new child.

    Complete Article HERE!

    Foods to Cure Erectile Dysfunction

    By Molly Burford

    Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a condition in which the penis cannot obtain, or sustain, an erection firm enough for sex. ED is more common in older populations, affecting 44% of people with a penis ages 60 to 69, compared to 5% of those under age 40. However, cases of ED in younger age groups are becoming more prevalent.1

    While occasional occurrences of ED are common, it becomes a cause of concern if it happens more than 50% of the time. This means there may be an underlying psychological or physical issue that needs to be addressed.2 There are a number of potential causes of ED, and more than one factor may be to blame.

    One of the biggest causes of ED is a lack of blood flow to the penis, which can happen due to high blood pressure (hypertension) or hardened arteries (atherosclerosis). As it turns out, diet can help both of these conditions, which in turn can help improve ED symptoms.

    Read on below to learn more about how your diet may play a role in ED and what foods can help improve the condition.

    Foods That Help Erectile Dysfunction

    Spinach

    Spinach is a low-calorie, leafy green vegetable with a high density of various vitamins and minerals, including potassium, magnesium, vitamin A, vitamin K, vitamin B2, vitamin C, calcium, and more.

    Spinach also contains a substantial amount of folate, which is also known as vitamin B9. A 1-cup serving of raw spinach contains 58 micrograms (mcg) of folate. Folate deficiencies have been linked to ED.3
    <h3″>Avocado

    Avocado is a high-calorie, nutrient-dense fruit. It is an excellent source of magnesium, potassium, vitamin C, and vitamin K.

    When it comes to ED, avocados also contain a rich amount of vitamin E. A 100 gram (g) serving of avocado contains 2.7 milligrams (mg) of vitamin E.4 A 2021 study found vitamin E and ginseng improved symptoms of ED after six weeks.5 The researchers hypothesized vitamin E and ginseng would be beneficial in cases of ED due to their antioxidant properties.

    Watermelon

    Watermelon is a water-dense, low-calorie fruit that’s composed of 92% water. It contains citrulline, a compound known to help relax blood vessels and improve blood flow.

    A 2018 study found that study participants that supplemented their ED medication (like Viagra) with L-citrulline-resveratrol saw improvements.6

    Dark Chocolate

    Dark chocolate isn’t just delicious. It is also packed with flavonoids, an antioxidant, which may reduce the risk of someone developing ED

    In 2018, a study showed that participants who ate 50 milligrams (mg) or more of flavonoids daily were 32% less likely to report symptoms of ED.7A Word From Verywell

    ED can, understandably, be a frustrating and concerning experience. However, there are steps individuals can take to enhance their reproductive health. One area often forgotten is diet.

    Research shows that eating a balanced diet is vital for overall health, and sexual health is no exception. Incorporating more nutritious foods such as spinach, watermelon, olive oil, salmon, and others may help improve symptoms of ED.

    Talk to your doctor about your concerns. Again, while bouts of ED are common, repeated instances may signify an underlying physical or psychological issue that needs to be taken care of.

    1. Rastrelli G, Maggi M. Erectile dysfunction in fit and healthy young men: psychological or pathological? Transl Androl Urol. 2017;6(1):79-90. doi:10.21037/tau.2016.09.06
    2. Cleveland Clinic. Erectile dysfunction. Updated October 14, 2019.
    3. Karabakan M, Erkmen AE, Guzel O, Aktas BK, Bozkurt A, Akdemir S. Association between serum folic acid level and erectile dysfunctionAndrologia. 2016;48(5):532-535. doi:10.1111/andr.12672
    4. U.S. Department of Agriculture. Avocados, raw, all commercial varieties. Updated April 2019.
    5. Vitamin E and ginseng combined supplement for treatment of male erectile dysfunction: A double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized, clinical trialAdvances in Integrative Medicine. 2021;8(1):44-49. doi:10.1016/j.aimed.2019.12.001
    6. Shirai M, Hiramatsu I, Aoki Y, et al. Oral l-citrulline and transresveratrol supplementation improves erectile function in men with phosphodiesterase 5 inhibitors: a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled crossover pilot studySex Med. 2018;6(4):291-296. doi:10.1016/j.esxm.2018.07.001
    7. Mykoniatis I, Grammatikopoulou MG, Bouras E, et al. Sexual dysfunction among young men: overview of dietary components associated with erectile dysfunctionJ Sex Med. 2018;15(2):176-182. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2017.12.008

    Complete Article HERE!