Tag: sex and relationship advice

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A Beginner’s Guide to Kinky Sex

If you’re turned on but intimidated by the complex lingo, etiquette, and array of fetishes out there, let us gently domme you through the basics.

by Reina Sultan

A lot of time can pass between the moment people discover they’re turned on by kink and when they actually act on that. I should know: In high school, I avidly read smutty BDSM fanfics on Tumblr, and it emboldened me to ask the very first guy I had sex with to choke me in bed. He said no, fearing he might “crush my larynx.” Bummer.

For six years after that “no,” I tried to forget I was into kink for a few reasons: I didn’t know how to find people who would choke me, plus I felt some basic shyness about getting into a scene with intimidatingly complex lingo, equipment, and social codes—especially when that scene involved scary-looking floggers and chains.

It took the boredom and voracious horniness of Pandemic Winter 2020 for me to live out my submissive fantasies. I started talking to a guy on Instagram I had mutuals with, but had never met. He sent me spanking videos, and after some back and forth, he invited me over to do a kink scene. I wondered whether this spelled murder, especially because I’d be going to his literal basement but, touch-starved, I said yes. (And then changed my mind and said no. And then said yes again.

I hadn’t even asked around about him, so I was very lucky he was a chill, respectful person and a hot partner. That first time, we explored sensation and impact play. As we kept seeing each other, he taught me more about kink, like how to figure out the specifics of what I was into and safely practice BDSM. But there was still so much to learn.

For newcomers, it can be tough to figure out the rules and etiquette of kink, especially if you’ve mostly encountered it in porn and the occasional Instagram infographic. But through communication, practice, research, and building a kink community, I started learning the ropes (kind of—I only bottom during rope scenes), and the more I learned, the more I liked what I was doing. 

Kinky sex simply requires more thought and planning than vanilla sex. But don’t worry—now I’m here to help you get freaky, too. Learning about the basic tenets of kink will help you have the best possible time when you (finally!) decide to try it out for yourself. OK? Say, “Yes, Mistress.” Just kidding—I already told you I’m a sub.

What is kink?

“Kink” covers subcultural sexual practices like BDSM, fetish play, and role play, as well as the lifestyles and social groups related to them. That’s pretty broad, so here’s a basic—and not at all comprehensive, don’t @ me—list of tastes, terms, and phenomena that are fairly common in the wild and vast world of kink.

  • BDSM. This acronym, which you almost certainly have heard before, refers to “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.” A dominant (which, like “domination,” is sometimes capitalized depending on people’s preferences), is a person who exerts control, like by ordering around their partner. A submissive is a person at the other end of that power exchange who willingly gives up their control. A sadist gets pleasure from inflicting pain, and a masochist likes receiving pain. To read more about BDSM, check out this blog post by one of my faves in the kink scene, Venus Cuffs, whom we’ll hear more from in a bit.
  • A top is a person—not necessarily a dominant—performing an activity: They’re usually the one tying the ropes and spanking the butts. A bottom is a person—not necessarily a submissive—having an activity done to them: being tied up, getting spanked. Switch/vers refers to someone who both tops and bottoms or can be both dominant and submissive. These terms are used in many contexts outside of BDSM too, particularly if you’re queer—read more here!
  • A scene refers to a kinky experience or session, which you can have more than one of during a given encounter or party. If you got spanked for 20 minutes or tied up and teased with a sex toy, those things would be considered scenes.

Let’s talk about some common fetishes. This is a fun A–Z list of kinks and fetishes. It’s not all-inclusive: Any hot thing you’re fixated on can be its own fetish, so don’t despair if yours isn’t on that list or the one included just below. It’s just good to have a place to start in terms of what you might come across as you go.

  • Impact play is focused on a top striking a bottom’s body with their hands or implements like canes, paddles, floggers, or whips. Here’s a guide to safety during impact play.
  • Rope bondage refers to the practice of restraining or binding someone with rope, which is not necessarily always Shibari (and doesn’t need to be). Shibari refers specifically to a type of rope bondage which originated in Japan. I highly recommend researching Japanese Shibari educators and practitioners to understand how to respectfully engage in Shibari. Whatever you’re doing, read up on rope safety practices first.
  • Sensation play is when the goal is arousal or stimulation through senses (like playing with ice, Wartenberg wheels, or hot wax). Seek out a safety guide for whatever you’re doing—you should look for sources that outline actual health risks, not just, “Here’s what feels good and what doesn’t.”
  • Sharps play involves, well, sharp stuff like needles, knives, or scalpels. Obviously, you’ll need to know a little more about mitigating risks if this is what you’re into—start with this Healthline guide.
  • Breath play involves restriction of oxygen. Look up how to minimize risk before choking of any kind.
  • Edge play refers to especially high-risk play of any kind, like rope suspension, knife play, or needle play. 

How can I find out more about what kinks I’m into?

People get into kink through porn, social media, sexual experimentation, fanfics, and beyond. There’s no shame if you read or watched 50 Shades of Grey and got curious! (Just know that the books and films are filled with inaccuracies about BDSM, consent, and safety practices.)

Reeru, a 32-year-old sadist top in Brooklyn, found out he was kinky when a partner used restraints on him. “I was teased until I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said. Reeru freed himself from the restraints and took the dominant role, which he said “awakened that part of [him].” Afterwards, he sought out kink more straightforwardly.

Like Reeru, you might come to kink through sex, but plenty of people also (or exclusively) consider kink a form of self-expression. Venus Cuffs is a New York–based dominant working in nightlife who uses she and they pronouns. Cuffs uses kink to subvert society’s racist definitions of her. “[In my daily life,] I was expected to be angry—to be a mammy, take care of everyone, be submissive, and be a servant. To never truly have any power,” they said. Through BDSM, she said, they’re served and honored by men instead.

To investigate what makes you feel turned on or otherwise piqued: Read books about kinky sex and see what makes you horny as you read. Watch kinky porn. Go to an event to watch kinky performances. Finally, taking the famous online BDSM test can point you toward what you might like—it’s kind of cringe and hilarious, but I don’t know anyone in kink who hasn’t taken it at least once, even just for fun.  

How do I find kinky people?

Plenty of people enjoy kink with their usual romantic and sexual partners. But you can also look into dedicated communities if you’re hoping to dip your toes (or whatever body parts you like) into local and online kink scenes. 

Many people recommend starting by exploring FetLife, a kinky social network. Some disclaimers: It’s not very user-friendly—its interface looks and is almost charmingly bad—and, as on any platform, some users are rude or bigoted. Still, FetLife is the only platform of its kind, and it remains one of the better ways for newcomers to find people and events.

For one-off encounters, dating apps can be useful. Feeld, which is marketed to people seeking group sex, is particularly kinky compared to other apps, but you can find potential partners on the more general and popular apps. I’m currently in my “off again” phase with apps, but this is usually my bio (go ahead and roast me): “I’m a non-monog masochistic bottom looking for new connections. Into impact play, plants, my cats, police/prison abolition, and bruise pics.” Feel free to adapt it based on what you’re into.

How do I vet partners?

Remember how I turned up to a stranger’s basement with no idea what I was doing? Don’t be like me! I’m lucky everything turned out OK, but kink can be physically and emotionally risky. Look into potential partners—and, ideally, meet in public—before they tie you up and spit on you (or vice versa). 

When I’m talking to new people about playing together, I ask them how long they’ve been doing the activity at hand and what their skills are. Understanding more about a partner’s history and qualifications can help prevent mistakes and injuries—for instance, a top should be able to tell you how they plan to keep you both safe. Exploring with an inexperienced partner who wants to learn can be OK, but less so if you learn they’ve never tied anyone up before when you’re already suspended from the ceiling.

I ask people I’m vetting how they define consent and to describe their risk profiles (this is a common kink phrase covering how intense a person is willing to get during rough play). If that feels right, I check their social media accounts for red flags—have they posted about having no limits or hating safe words?—and I ask my community members what they know about the person. Ideally, I’m able to speak with a previous partner to confirm that things went well. (That’s right—I ask for kink references, and you should, too.)

It’s not possible to do this deep of a dive at parties, but before tying with a rope top at an event, I ask what they know about preventing nerve damage and where and when they learned to tie.

If I’m comfortable with their answers, we keep talking—most of the time. Sometimes nothing comes up that’s a problem, but something you can’t quite put your finger on gives you pause. Trust your gut! If someone feels off, they might not be dangerous, but they’re probably not for you.

What if I’m looking for a professional to teach me about kink?

People explore kinks with professional dom(me)s, submissives, and fetish providers for a low-stakes way to get a little experience before seeking out unpaid partners. Mistress Danielle Blunt, who is a professional Dominatrix, said, “Hiring [a professional] can be a great way to explore kinky desires for newbies, because it takes the pressure off having to navigate something that can be scary or feel shameful with a partner.”

Some people, like me, just prefer working with pros. Bottoming for rope can be dangerous, and since I’ve researched the risks, I almost exclusively tie with people who get paid to know what they’re doing. Knowing I’m in good hands, I can get into a juicy, wonderful space when I’m being suspended—one that feels full of catharsis and release.

People can hire pros for so many things: A client might want someone to top them in spanking scenes. They might want to learn how to tie rope themselves, or for someone to teach them proper ball-busting technique. Whatever it is people are doing while working with professionals, they’re expected to be respectful of their boundaries, time, and rates.

How can I tell if a kink event is safe?

First, let’s talk about what kink events and parties even are. Events aren’t always orgies. You might also come across performances, workshops, mixers, classes, and play parties. 

When you see parties advertised online, look for two acronyms:

  • RACK, which stands for “risk-aware, consensual kink,” and means all parties agree to understand and consent to the risks in any activity.
  • NMIK, which stands for “no minors in kink,” as in, don’t engage in kink with minors or let minors attend kink events!  

Before any kind of party, organizers might throw “munches,” which allow you to meet people in expectation-free settings prior to partying together. Munches can happen just before an event that includes touching or sex, or completely separately. They generally occur in public places (or virtually) and people attend without their whips, and with clothes on.

Whether you’re at a munch or looking into an event independently: Ask organizers about consent practices. A zero-tolerance policy for violations is great, but get specific. What happens if someone reports that happening?

Reeru suggested more questions to guide your decision-making about event safety:

  • “Are there dungeon or consent monitors present and easily identifiable?” (“Dungeons,” by the way, are established BDSM spaces.)
  • “How do you vet performers, professionals, and guests?”
  • “Are people using drugs or alcohol?”
  • “Are safer sex practices being observed?”
  • “Are vaccinations mandatory?”

If organizers don’t have good (or any) answers, steer clear. However, if you mostly like an event, but notice something is lacking or vague, bring it up! If they’re amenable to making changes to prioritize people’s safety and comfort, that’s a really good sign.

How should I act at kink events?

The first way to fit in at a kink event happens before you get there: Follow directions about what to wear. Generally speaking, jeans and a T-shirt are too casual. Think more Euphoria vibes. Many, if not most, parties require you to turn a look within dress codes like fetish gear or formalwear—I’ve seen a Moulin Rouge theme, and people love latex-and-leather parties. Check with coordinators or reread the description to make sure you’re dressing the part.

As with their dress codes, each event is going to vary in terms of what’s socially expected and acceptable. If you have questions about what is or isn’t OK, ask an organizer.

One thing holds true everywhere you go: Behave respectfully. As Venus Cuffs said, “BDSM does not exist without consent, which should be the foundation of all your play. There are no exceptions to this rule—without it, it’s abuse.” This is true of all kinds of kink.

Ask before touching anyone or any toys or equipment. Don’t interrupt while people are mid-scene. Keep a safe distance when watching a scene so you don’t accidentally get hit or make anyone uncomfortable.

What does “negotiating a scene” mean, and how do I do it?

“Negotiation” is a before-scene discussion about participants’ needs, wants, and limits. (Yes, another one!) This conversation varies depending on the scene and partner. If you’re new partners, a negotiation might be extensive, since you’re learning about each other for the first time. If you’ve already been together, you might ask fewer questions or just make sure what you discussed last time still applies. 

Lots of negotiation questionnaires and sheets are available online, but these premises are usually part of all of them:

  • Soft limits are acts and types of kink that you generally don’t want to do, but could be flexible about with the right person, at the right time. One of my soft limits is needle play, which can involve being pierced with gauge needles. I don’t usually want to do it, and I would never do it during my first time with someone—but I’ve tried it, and I would again under proper conditions.  
  • Hard limits are definite nos. One of mine is race play: Under no circumstances will I engage in kink based on racialized power differentials.
  • Safe words are codes that can pause or stop play. Some people don’t use “no” or “stop” because it can be part of pre-negotiated play to feign resistance (hot), and you don’t want someone to actually stop when you’re having a good time (not hot). Like many newcomers and experienced people alike, I use stoplight colors: “yellow” to indicate I’m approaching my limits, and “red” when I need a full stop.

People can have intense reactions during scenes, even if they think they’re ready for what’s coming and have safe words in place. Sometimes, things can become triggering, or people can become non-verbal. Talking through this in advance can prevent harm in the moment when emotions are high. For example: If you start crying, is that an automatic end to the scene? Is it OK for your partner to just check in?

Mistress Blunt suggested trying these questions as you negotiate:

  • “What does aftercare—what people do to ease out of kink and into the regular world—look like for you?”
  • “Do you like to be checked in on after a scene?”
  • “What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel unsafe?
  • “What should we do if something goes wrong?”
  • “Is there anything I should know about your body or mind?”

Negotiation is just as much about talking through what you like and want to do, which is also really fun. Once you’ve got the above information in place, be sure to focus on pleasure for a while.

How do I reduce physical risks?

Before trying out a new kind of kink, you absolutely have to do your research about the risks involved and best safety practices. Look for both guides and medically sound information about physical risks—you might search online for terms like “how to safely spank someone” or “what are the risks associated with rope bondage?” Read as much as you can, and err on the side of credible medical and health information websites rather than forums or blogs.

If you’re doing a rope scene, learn to identify the signs of nerve damage (even if you are bottoming and don’t know how to tie). If you’re planning to do impact, learn how not to get hit where there are vital organs (avoid the lower back and protect your kidneys).

Before each and every scene, all parties involved should be able to check in with themselves about those risks to see if they are in the mental and/or physical place to engage. Even if some of us are bimbos who like to be degraded, bottoms aren’t just passive participants. Ebibex, a Baltimore-based rope and sharps bottom who’s using a pseudonym for this article, said, “This idea that bottoms are interchangeable bodies, who just ‘look pretty’ in rope, or unskilled recipients, is both harmful and insulting.” In good kink scenarios, bottoms will be as much in control of being safe during a scene as tops are.

You can also reduce harm by choosing not to use drugs or alcohol before and during a scene. This is ultimately up to you, but at least starting your kink journey sober is usually a good idea.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the time following a scene when people are returning to “normalcy.” Some people like physical closeness and snacks. Others might shower together or give each other massages. Some people might not want to spend time together at all. That’s all fine, as long as it’s discussed beforehand.

Aftercare doesn’t have to end directly after the scene. Many people like hearing from their partner a day or two after a scene. Ebibex, the  said she likes “talking to and debriefing with anyone I’ve played with—what we liked, what could be different.” This can also mitigate “drop,” which refers to negative feelings that can arise in the days following an encounter. Drop isn’t always preventable, and that’s OK! I receive incredible aftercare and sometimes still drop. In those times, I eat chocolate and watch feel-good movies. I also reach out to my top and let them know I’m feeling bad, and talking often helps.

Postgame communication can help people deal with consent violations or injuries, which can happen even among the most well-intentioned or experienced players. Part of harm reduction is to be prepared for these scenarios, and to know what to do after something has gone wrong. If you’ve gotten hurt or had your consent violated, what do you need or want from the other person? If you hurt someone or violated their consent, how will you show up and respect their wants and needs?

Even when a scene goes perfectly, it’s good to check in and to feel that your safety—and your pleasure—is valuable to your partner, and vice versa.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The One Ingredient Every Couple Needs For A Lasting Relationship

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are lots of qualities that typically get attention when talking about what makes a healthy relationship: trust, honesty, and communication tend to be the big ones.

But according to licensed marriage therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT, there’s one quality that’s fully necessary for a relationship to thrive that people rarely talk about: intentionality.

How intentionality makes or breaks relationships.

“Intentional means doing the mental work, aka planning,” Andre tells mbg.

A funny thing that happens in relationships, particularly ones that have lasted a long while, is we tend to go on autopilot. A couple will establish a cadence or dynamic that they settle into—including how they interact with each other, what their daily and weekly routines look like, what they talk about, and even how and when they show affection—and they keep at it until an issue comes up. In fact, they may be so married to their familiar patterns of us-ness that they may even just sweep issues under the rug for as long as they can, only finally addressing them head-on once they’ve gotten too big to ignore.

But as Andre notes, relationships require proactive nurturing—not just reactive responses to issues. That’s where intentionality comes in.

“If you want to nurture your relationship, you have to think ahead and figure out all the pieces and parts of what it will take to actually improve your relationship,” she explains.

Being intentional in your relationship means regularly thinking about what the relationship needs to function better and ultimately grow, and then actually taking concrete steps now to make that happen before issues arise. “You’re making it a priority, instead of an afterthought,” she notes.

Instead of waking up one day and wondering, “How did my relationship get here?” or “How do we fix this?” you’re proactively nourishing your relationship so that serious challenges are less likely to appear or less likely to significantly threaten your relationship when they do. As Andre puts it, “You won’t have to worry about the grass being greener on the other side if you’re intentional about watering your own on a schedule.”

How to be more intentional in your relationship.

OK, so what does this actually look like in practice?

Andre recommends taking small steps to improve your relationship. That might include proactively having a conversation about how the two of you approach conflict, for example, or it might look like taking the time to cultivate a culture of more appreciation and goodwill in your relationship. If you haven’t already, Andre also suggests learning about your and your partner’s love languages and finding ways to express more affection in those ways.

“One recommendation I have for couples to nurture their relationship is to do an intention challenge,” Andre recommends. “To do the intention challenge, all you have to do is create a list of 12 things, which can be a mixture of gifts and gestures, to do for your partner once a month. That’s it—nice and simple.”

However you choose to approach intentionality in your relationship, the point is to simply prioritize it as a couple. When you’re both engaged and taking steps to strengthen your connection, the relationship is more likely to be able to thrive even in the face of life’s inevitable hardships. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean To Be Sapiosexual?

4 Telltale Signs

By Mary Retta

If you’re confused about sapiosexuality, you’re not alone. Even as people gain more awareness of LGBTQ+ identities, this one rarely enters the common conversation. Here’s everything you need to know about being sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexual?

People who are sapiosexual are physically and emotionally turned on by intelligence. Sapiosexuals think that intelligence is the most attractive trait and value it more than a potential partner’s looks or even personality.

“Sapiosexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by sexual and erotic attraction to potential partners who are, first and foremost, intelligent,” sex and relationship therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC, tells mbg. “In these cases, intelligence is the genuine ‘turn-on,’ not the status, job, or financial benefits that might accompany intelligence.”

Signs of sapiosexuality:

1. You are drawn to a potential partner’s intelligence more than looks or personality.

Sapiosexuals are most drawn to or turned on by another person’s intellect, according to Kryss Shane, LMSW, dual-licensed social worker and LGBTQ+ expert. “A sapiosexual person may be more interested in discussing books or politics with someone on a first date rather than trying to begin a sexual relationship immediately,” she says. “They may have an online dating profile that focuses more on their career or their academic goals than on trying to find someone to engage in sex with.”

If you find yourself most drawn to someone’s intellect, this is a very good sign you are sapiosexual.

2. Intellectual conversations turn you on.

Sapiosexuals are not only drawn to a potential partner’s intellect—they are often physically turned on by intelligence. If political debates or long discussions about literature really get you in the mood for sex, this is another sign that you are sapiosexual.

“For sapiosexual folks, intelligence isn’t just icing on the cake for an already attractive partner; it is intelligence itself that drives arousal,” Tanner says. “Sapiosexual individuals not only enjoy intellectual conversation; they might also feel aroused by it.”

3. You need to have an intellectual discussion before sex crosses your mind.

For most sapiosexual people, it’s impossible to feel comfortable dating or getting intimate with someone before you’ve had a good, long cerebral chat.

“Sapiosexual people might find that it’s difficult to connect sexually with a potential partner until they’ve engaged in some form of intellectual discussion,” Tanner says. “Intellectual connection may be considered far more effective foreplay than even physical touch.”

If you struggle to connect with a potential partner before chatting about their favorite books or political views, this is good sign you might be sapiosexual.

4. Intellectual spark is more important to you than even the emotional spark.

Often, sapiosexuality can be confused with demisexuality, an orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction to someone after making an emotional connection with them. While there is some overlap between the two orientations, there is also a distinct difference.

“Sapiosexuality is the need to build an intellectual attraction before a sexual attraction will occur, while demisexuality is the need to build an emotional connection before a sexual attraction will occur,” Shane explains. “For a sexual attraction to begin, a sapiosexual person is seeking someone on the same intellectual level they are on, whereas a demisexual person is seeking someone who will share their feelings and emotions.”

Is sapiosexual a real sexual orientation?

Despite sapiosexuality entering discussions about sexual identity more and more, there are many who still do not view sapiosexuality as a real orientation. Some queer people have also argued that sapiosexual people should not be included in the LGBTQ+ umbrella because it’s not related to gender preferences in the same way identities like pansexual, heteroflexible, and others clearly are. However, some sexuality experts advocate that sapiosexuality is a valid orientation and should be considered as such.

“Sapiosexuality is not an orientation in that orientation is about the gender identity of the partner or potential partner,” Shane explains. “A sapiosexual person can identify as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or greysexual. Sapiosexuality is how the person develops their attraction to someone. It is the how, not the who, of their attraction experience.”

“As a sex therapist, I make it a priority not to yuck someone’s yum, so to speak,” Tanner adds. “And as a queer person, I know what it feels like to have my orientation invalidated. I just don’t see a need to devalue something that is true for someone else.”

Ultimately, labels are only helpful if they allow you to feel more comfortable and confident in your sexuality. If the term “sapiosexual” feels right and valid to you, then you should use it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex During Pregnancy

— Your Questions Answered

Safety, discomfort talk + more

Let’s talk about sex — and your growing baby bump. Whether you’re newly pregnant or bursting at the seams, you may have burning questions, like is it OK to do the deed? Will sex harm your baby? Is it normal to be in the mood a lot less often?

Pull up a chair. Ob/Gyn Oluwatosin Goje, MD, answers the most common sex-during-pregnancy questions she gets asked.

Q. Is it safe to have sex while pregnant?

A. Absolutely, enjoy vaginal or oral sex as frequently as you want, throughout your pregnancy. The only exceptions are if you have one of these conditions:

  • Cervical changes: Normally, the cervix creates a barrier between the vagina and uterus. Changes such as early dilation (opening) could raise your risk for premature labor if you have sex.
  • History of premature labor or miscarriage: If you have a history of premature delivery or miscarriage, your doctor may ask you to refrain from intercourse. Semen contains prostaglandins, and during orgasm, your brain releases oxytocin. Both of these hormones play a role in stimulating contractions.
  • Leaking: If you feel a drip, drip, drip from your vagina, it warrants a call to your doctor. It may be a sign that the wall surrounding the sac your baby grows in may have ruptured. Intercourse in this situation could increase your risk of infection.
  • Placenta previa: When the placenta covers the cervix, sexual activity (vaginal-penile)  may result in disruption of the placenta and cause bleeding.
  • Sexually transmitted diseases (STD): If a doctor diagnoses you or your partner with a sexually transmitted infection, refrain from unprotected sexual intercourse until you’ve been treated and retested. An untreated STD can harm your baby.
  • Undiagnosed vaginal bleeding: Until your provider determines the reason for vaginal bleeding, you should refrain from sexual intercourse. 

Q. Will sex hurt my baby or scar them for life?

A. No, sex will not hurt your baby. It’s completely safe — even in the final days — as long as you don’t have one of the above conditions.

Q. Not gonna lie, it hurts a little. Should it? 

A. Sex should still be enjoyable during pregnancy. It may be even more enjoyable for some. Some women who experience vaginal dryness when they aren’t pregnant will have more lubrication during pregnancy.

If you find you’re less comfortable as your pregnancy progresses, it may be the position you choose. If you’re on your back for sex, then gravity is pulling all that baby weight down on your spine. Instead, lube up and try these sex positions during pregnancy:

  • Side-by-side or spooning.
  • Doggy style (sex from behind).
  • Woman-on-top.
  • Standing.

Q. Are there advantages to pregnant sex? (Please tell me it will induce labor.)

A. There are many advantages to pregnancy sex — the main one is continued intimacy with your partner. You might also experience:

  • Increased sensitivity: Sex may be better than ever, thanks to increased blood flow to the vulva (the outer part of the female genitals).
  • Better sleep: Pregnancy and sleep don’t always go together, but post-coital relaxation may make it easier.
  • Labor: There’s no definitive research showing sex can kick-start labor, but anecdotally it may work, so it’s definitely worth a shot.
  • Feel-good hormones: The oxytocin that’s released with orgasm can help you feel less achy and generally calmer. 

Q. Help! I bled a little after sex — I’m freaking out, should I be?

A. Bleeding after sex is a common concern. During pregnancy, there is increased blood flow to the cervix and vagina, so friction from sex could cause a little bleeding. Usually, this is nothing to worry about, but it’s always a good idea to check in with your provider. 

Q. I have zero interest in pregnancy sex … is that OK? Am I abnormal?

A. Many factors impact how you feel about sex during pregnancy. Some women don’t enjoy their pregnant bodies — they don’t feel sexy or appealing. Others feel sexier because they have fuller breasts or experience more powerful orgasms. For some women, the surge in hormones makes them want sex more often than usual. Sex is personal, so your experience with pregnancy sex will also be. Learn to communicate your needs with your partner.

Q. Will I still have orgasms when I’m pregnant?

A. There have been studies that say orgasm is less likely as you progress through pregnancy, but this isn’t the case for all women. Orgasm during pregnancy may have more to do with how you feel about your pregnant body or the positions you’re using. My best advice is to embrace your baby bump. Explore new positions until you find what works for you and your partner. With increased blood flow to the vulva, you may experience better-than-ever orgasms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Mindfulness During Sex Means More Orgasms

— Here’s What to Know

Being Aware of Your Body and Emotions Will Lead to Better Pleasure, Says Experts

By Rebecca Strong
As new research sheds light on the many mental, physical, and emotional benefits of staying fully present, more and more people have been making it a point to prioritize the art of mindfulness. And as it turns out, mindfulness can also play a big part in boosting a person’s sex life.

According to a 2021 study of mixed-sex married couples, research found that maintaining awareness and non-judgment in the bedroom led to better sexual well-being and harmony, as well as greater relationship growth. Not only that, but husbands’ awareness during sexual activity was linked to more consistent orgasms among their wives. If that’s not a hard sell, we don’t know what is.

But what exactly does mindfulness during sex look like? According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, resident sex researcher at ASTROGLIDE and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, it’s about being fully “tuned in” to the experience. In other words, not letting your mind wander to your to-do list or what you’re making for dinner while your partner is going down on you.

“As applied to sex, mindfulness involves being aware of your body sensations, emotions, and thoughts without judging them,” says Lehmiller. “Research has uncovered a number of benefits of mindfulness during sex. Among other things, it can increase desire for sex, enhance sexual functioning, and improve sexual satisfaction.”

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and sex expert for SKYN, notes that mindfulness can help to strengthen the brain-body connection, thus making it easier for you to climax.

“When you spend time paying attention to and relaxing the body, you take energy away from the left side of the brain — which is responsible for mental chatter and all those repetitive thoughts — and engage the right side of the brain, which is more in touch with the body,” she explains to AskMen.

This probably sounds way too good to be true, right? Well, if your interest is piqued, we’ve got expert-approved details on how to incorporate mindfulness into your sex life the right way.

Signs Your Sex Life Would Benefit From Mindfulness

Experts agree that anyone sex life can improve with a little more mindfulness. Below, you’ll find some signs that you and your partner might need to make this a priority in the bedroom.

One or Both of You Keeps Getting Distracted

Having trouble staying focused on the act at hand? It’s normal to have your mind wander once in a while during sex, but if those distracting thoughts are preventing you from staying aroused, having an orgasm, or feeling connected to your partner, Lehmiller says that’s a red flag.

“Mindfulness has the potential to help with a very wide range of sexual difficulties, and can sometimes augment other treatments and therapeutic approaches,” he explains.

Sex Feels Routine

If it feels like you’re going through the motions every time you and your partner have sex, it’s likely because one or both of you aren’t staying in the moment. That mundaneness is leading you to resort to old habits rather than allowing curiosity and pleasure to drive new experiences.

“When partners aren’t fully present, sex gets habitual,” says Engle. “This then registers as a drop of physical dissatisfaction — and eventually the possibility of resentment in your unconscious mind. Over time, those drops accumulate until they can fill a bucket, at which point the sex in a relationship begins to fizzle out. If you approach your sex exactly like you approach meditation: with intention, generosity, savoring, a willingness to slow down and relax into it, and a resolve to return from distraction when it naturally happens, sex can become through-the-roof ecstatic, and even that then deepens over time.”

You Can’t Remember the Last Time You and Your Partner Talked About Sex

Communication is crucial to a healthy, satisfying sex life. Do you and your partner often share with each other what’s working (or not working) between the sheets? Do you reflect on sexual experiences you have or share fantasies about things you’d like to try?

According to Shameless Therapy sex therapist Jackie Golob, MS, not being able to communicate with each other before, during, and after sex can signal a lack of mindfulness.

How to Improve Mindfulness During Sex

According to certified sex educator and sex coach Suzannah Weiss, it all starts outside the bedroom. She recommends making it a point to practice mindfulness throughout your daily life — such as by paying attention to how your washcloth feels against your skin in the shower, or how the breeze feels against your face on your walk around your neighborhood. Move through all five senses on your commute, honing in on what you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste.

“Sit in a chair for 10-15 minutes per day and practice tuning into your physical sensations,” adds Lehmiller. “What are you feeling throughout your body? When thoughts cross your mind, acknowledge them and let them go — and keep turning back to the sensations.”

Below, experts share a few more strategies for incorporating mindfulness while getting frisky.

Engage in an Imago Dialogue

Imago relationship therapy is a specific style of relationship therapy aimed at helping couples cultivate understanding and connect more deeply. And according to Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor and certified IRT therapist, this method can actually be immensely helpful for boosting mindfulness in the bedroom. He suggests following an IRT dialogue technique to communicate with your partner about your sex life.

“Intimacy is such a sensitive issue for couples, it’s really important that each of you as individuals feels safe in your conversation with each other,” he explains. “The Imago dialogue, with its ‘scripted’ model of communicating is the perfect way to create safety to discuss such a sensitive topic.”

How does it work, you ask? Slatkin advises scheduling a time with your partner to talk about your intimacy. When it’s time to talk, clear the clutter from your bedroom, put on comfortable clothing, and sit down so you can look into each other’s eyes. From there, you or your partner can take turns sharing one thing you enjoy or need from the other. The listener mirrors what they said back to the other partner with no judgment.

For example, “Let me see if I understand. You’re saying you feel like our sex is rushed, and you’d like to take your time with more foreplay?” Active listening in this way can help you to gain a stronger understanding of each other’s perspectives.

“You may be pleasantly surprised to learn more about what your partner desires and what would make them feel good,” says Slatkin. “That’s the beauty of the Imago dialogue.”

Try Mindful Masturbation

Focusing on mindfulness during your solo pleasure sessions can help you then translate those skills into partner sex.

“Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for our partner sexually is to know yourself sexually,” adds Nikki Nolet a licensed marriage/family therapist and founder of Relationships Redefined. “Imagine having the knowledge to guide your partner towards pleasuring yourself, rather than leaving it to them to guess at what pleases you. Plus, being aware of your own turn-ons can then, in turn, be a huge turn-on for your partner.”

For this approach, put away any distractions while masturbating (yes, that includes porn), and try to tune into every sensation you’re feeling. Take it slow, and if you feel you’re unable to maintain that mind-body connection, try touching yourself elsewhere on your body to jolt your system and snap back to attention.

Keep Your Eyes Open and the Lights On

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with closing your eyes during sex, or dimming the lights beforehand, relationship expert psychologist and sex therapist Tatyana Dyachenko says switching things up can go a long way in terms of promoting mindfulness.

“When you close our eyes it’s easier for your mind to wander,” she explains. “Having the lights on and your eyes open helps to keep you out of autopilot mode.”

Experiment With Sensation Play

If you and your partner are both open to it, Engle recommends incorporating sensation play — using items like a feather and an ice cube — into sex. These kinds of tools can really help enhance mindfulness during a romp because they heighten physical sensations on your skin.

However, if props aren’t your thing, you can still bring more awareness to your sexual experiences.

“While your partner gently touches your body, tune into everything from the feel of their breath on your skin to variations in touch pressure to changes in your heart or breathing rate,” says Lehmiller.

Just Take Notice

Noticing what’s turning you on (and what isn’t), and then communicating those observations to your partner in the moment, is key, says Golob. First, just make a mental note of what feels good, sharing what you’re noticing by saying, “that feels so good,” or “I like that a lot, don’t stop.” after. If something doesn’t feel good, try to frame it in a positive way by commending your partner for something else you preferred.

Reduce Any “Sexpectations”

When there’s too much pressure on achieving an orgasm, experts say it becomes very difficult to stay present during sex due to focusing only on the end goal. Sadly, that can actually end up sabotaging your ability to enjoy the experience, let alone being able to finish.

“The thought that every sexual encounter should end in orgasm triggers shame, blame, and guilt if you don’t,” says Golob. “Orgasm is not the goal of sex, pleasure is the goal of sex. We need to remember to reduce sexpectations and not judge ourselves or partners if things don’t happen as we may have wanted.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why You Have Headaches After Sex

By Lauren Evoy Davis

Headaches can be used as a reason to postpone sex, “not tonight honey, I have a headache.” However, in rare circumstances, sex can be the cause of a headache. These sex headaches happen moments before or at the peak of sexual excitement, the orgasm. They can happen during solo sex or sex with a partner.

Sex-related headaches are more likely to occur in people who experience migraines and tend to affect more men than women.1

This article will clear up some of the confusion about what a sex-related headache is and how to get relief.

Sex headaches are a very rare occurrence, afflicting 1% to 6% of the general population.2< This headache can occur right before or immediately after orgasm and last anywhere from one hour to 24 hours. The pain varies from mild to severe, according to American Migraine Foundation (AMF).3

These headaches can be a symptom of another health ailment such as a tumor or a stroke, but other times they’re not related to anything definitive.4

Sex Headaches in Men

Men are about four times more likely than women to experience sex headaches.1

Types

There are a few types of sex headaches that people experience:

Orgasm Headache

The orgasm headache may start with a dull ache in the head, neck, and jaw that intensifies with sexual excitement and concludes with a sudden and severe headache at the point of orgasm.

Sexual Benign Headache

The sexual benign headache is a response to an increase in blood pressure during sexual activity. The pain may start around or behind the eyes. It usually lasts a few minutes, but can last for hours.

The headache is usually made worse by movement and can have similar symptoms to a migraine, such as sensitivity to light and nausea.5

Causes and Risk Factors

According to the American Migraine Foundation, the pre-orgasmic or organismic headache is a “primary” headache, meaning that it isn’t caused by another condition or disorder.3hemorrhage) or are at risk of stroke.1

Much like other genetic conditions, some studies show that sex-related headaches can run in families. Knowing your family history for all sorts of health conditions can be an important part of learning about your own health issues.1

People who are overweight or have high blood pressure are at a slightly higher risk of these headaches.1

It’s best to have a doctor examine you and perform tests to rule out anything unusual.

Diagnosis

If you’re experiencing sex headaches, your healthcare provider may order blood tests and a CT scan or a MRI to make sure there are no other underlying causes for your symptoms.

Treatment

Treatment may depend on the type of headache that you have.

  • Over-the-Counter (OTC) Drugs: OTC pain relievers like ibuprofen can help manage headache symptoms.
  • Indomethacin: This nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) requires a prescription and can be taken prior to sexual activity. Side effects include the risk of fatal heart attack or stroke.6
  • Propranolol, metoprolol, or nadolol: These are beta-blockers that lower blood pressure and require a prescription. Side effects include rash, blurred vision, insomnia, hair loss, muscle cramps, and fatigue.

Ironically, sexual activity may also relieve the searing pain you’re feeling after the last orgasm.

How Can I Prevent a Sex Headache?

These types of headaches come on suddenly. There are no known prevention methods. If someone who gets migraines is also experiencing sex headaches, they should avoid known migraine triggers such as alcohol, caffeine, and irregular sleep schedule, and artificial sweeteners.7

Summary

Sex headaches can occur right before orgasm or right after orgasm during solo sex, or sex with a partner. They may be sporadic and not occur during every enounter. People who are susceptible to migraine headaches are also at risk for sex-related headaches. Men are 3 to 4 times more likely to experience a sex headache.1
There are some medications available that you can be prescribed to take before sexual activity to offset a headache.

A Word From Verywell

Sex is heart-healthy and good for overall emotional and physical health.8

However, a sex-related headache can be painful and scary. If sexual activity causes pain like severe headaches during or immediately after orgasm, schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider right away to rule out other conditions

Your provider will ask you questions to learn more about your symptoms and how often these headaches occur to determine the root cause. They may ask if you get migraines or if other family members experience these types of headaches.

If sex headaches occur with some frequency, it might be a good idea to keep a journal of dates and times of these occurrences.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Can sex cure a headache?

    Yes. In some cases, sexual activity that leads to an orgasm can alleviate a headache. In other cases, it can make it worse. It depends on the individual.

  • What types of sex headaches are there?

    An orgasm headache may start with a dull ache in the head, neck, and jaw that intensifies with sexual excitement and concludes with a sudden and severe headache at the point of orgasm. A sexual benign headache is a response to an increase in blood pressure during sexual activity.

  • What home remedies are there for headache relief?

    Try keeping the lights dim, drinking water, and taking OTC pain relievers like ibuprofen to treat a headache.

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The Psychology of Love

How we love one another varies greatly

Like hunger, thirst, sleep and sex, love is essential for human survival. It can often feel so primal and mysterious that it may be hard for some of us to define. For thousands of years, we’ve tried to understand how love works by studying it and writing about it in songs and poetry. We’ve seen love play out so many times in movies and television shows that we find ourselves time and time again rooting for our favorite couples and wishing to live out our own wildest dreams.

But if love has the ability to inspire entire nations to act in the name of love — after all, Helen of Troy was said to launch a thousand ships based on her beauty alone — can we ever hope to understand the breadth and depth of true love and all of its qualities?

Ahead of Valentine’s Day, psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the various types of love based on one popular psychological theory, how we move between different stages of our relationships, and how love languages can impact the way we support each other when we need it most.

Different types of love

There are a number of theories that categorize the kinds of love we experience in our lives (and some that even stem as far back as the ancient Greeks). Dr. Albers points to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, in particular as one theory that’s inclusive and easy to understand no matter the kind of relationship you’re in.

Sternberg’s theory proposes that all relationships are fundamentally based on three key components that function as the three points of a relational triangle: intimacy, passion and commitment.

  • Intimacy is based on an emotional bond and a feeling of closeness and comfort.
  • Passion includes sexual and physical attraction and that feeling of romance.
  • Commitment is the decision or choice to love another person and the efforts that someone is willing to do to maintain that relationship.

“Attraction is more like a magnetic force you can feel,” says Dr. Albers. “When those fun butterfly feelings evolve into a warm sense of commitment and care for someone’s needs, this is a sign of love developing.”

There are eight kinds of love that can occur based on varying levels of each key component. Each kind of love is different enough that you might find yourself maintaining relationships in several categories, but sometimes, a single relationship will evolve over time, transitioning among the types along the way.

Non-love

This type of love is a bit self-explanatory. In this type of connection, you’re indifferent to the other person. There’s no passion, no intimacy and no need for commitment. This person may be someone you see on the street, an acquaintance or someone you know very casually.

Liking

This type of love is the basis for most friendships. In this category, you’re high on intimacy but there’s no passion or commitment. In this type of love, you’re more focused on the real close bond you share with someone else, so you strengthen that bond over similar qualities, interests or characteristics.

Infatuation

High in passion, but without intimacy or commitment, this is what most people think of when they have a crush or experience love at first sight. You may not know someone on a deeper level, but you’ll experience real physical changes like the feeling of butterflies in your stomach or a sense of anxiousness or a flush of desire whenever you see or think about the person you’re attracted to. “A lot of relationships start out this way and then, if they’re going to be lasting, they turn over into something more romantic,” says Dr. Albers.

Empty love

If you’re experiencing high levels of commitment, but you’re without passion or intimacy, this is called empty love. Sometimes, this can be the starting point in an arranged marriage or couples find themselves experiencing this type of love if they’re staying together for their kids or not financially stable enough to leave a relationship. “Unfortunately, I think I see empty love the most in counseling,” says Dr. Albers. “This can feel like a really difficult place for people because they feel kind of stuck. They want to build more intimacy or passion because it was there initially.”

Romantic love

This type of love may encompass a few kinds of relationships. High in passion and intimacy, but without commitment, you may fall into this type if you’re dating someone but you’re not quite exclusive. Friends with benefits fall into this category, too, especially if you’ve known someone for a while and have a close bond. “Maybe they’ve been burned in the past or maybe they’re divorced and afraid of recommitting,” says Dr. Albers. “Maybe they feel that spark but they’re unsure if this is someone they want to commit to.”

Companionate love

Think of this stage as an elevated form of liking: Maybe you’ve been friends for years or you’re best friends who rely on each other through thick and thin. With high levels of intimacy and commitment, but no passion, these are some of your deepest bonds that can often lead to a lifetime of connection.

Fatuous love

This type of love burns bright and fast. High in passion and commitment, but without intimacy, this is a swift-moving relationship that evolves from one stage to the next quite quickly. Maybe you’re comfortable moving in or getting married much sooner than most. Sexual attraction is a huge driver for this kind of relationship, but perhaps you don’t know each other on a deeper level than in other relationships.

“You feel a lot of sparks toward this person and you’re committed, but all of a sudden, you might start to realize that there’s no emotional connection,” explains Dr. Albers. “It’s hard to get out of this relationship because you’ve already tied yourself in.” And, when some relationships burn too bright too fast, they may burn out quickly, resulting in someone getting ghosted.

Consummate love

This is the kind of love that’s top tier, the one all the movies, books and songs try to capture in one fell swoop. Sternberg theorized that all relationships should try to achieve this type of love, but this is the most difficult love to achieve, as it requires a perfect balance among high levels of intimacy, passion and commitment.

“This is the gold standard of relationships,” says Dr. Albers. “There are a lot of expectations or feelings in how your relationship should be, but the reality of life is that it’s hard to always feel passionate with your partner and sometimes it’s a challenge to have the time to connect with your significant other.”

Regardless of where your relationship falls, it’s important to recognize that while there’s no wrong way to build a relationship, the kind of love you’re searching for depends on the degree you work on all three key components.

“Relationships that are based on a single element are less likely to survive and keep going than one based on two or more aspects,” says Dr. Albers. “It’s helpful to know which pieces are missing or which pieces you want to build up in your relationship.”

Stages of love

So how long does it take for someone to fall in love?

For some, it takes mere seconds and for others, it could take years. If someone has had more positive experiences and knows exactly what they want, love can happen more quickly than someone who might have experienced hard breakups or trauma. But it also depends on how you’re defining love and the strength of your connection.

“Your history and the strength of your physical reactions can dictate how quickly you fall in love,” says Dr. Albers. “Some people call the first initial stage of infatuation love and other people move toward the last stage of attachment and that’s when they put the label of love on it.”

Stage one: Falling in love

Attraction comes at you fast. According to one study, it takes just one-fifth of a second for someone to know if they’re attracted to someone. That heady rush of dopamine brings on a flush of feelings, notably butterflies, intense longing and fixation. In fact, some neurobiological studies indicate areas of the brain become increasingly more excited when someone sees the face of the person they love or are attracted to.

“Love starts in the brain, not the heart,” says Dr. Albers. “When people report being in love, they have a tsunami of activity in the brain.”

Often, we’re attracted to someone that feels familiar, so if you happen to have a type, there’s probably a reason for that.

“There is a lot happening unconsciously in terms of the pull toward someone and it’s usually because they’re familiar in some way, whether it’s their mannerisms, their demeanor or their presentation of the world,” explains Dr. Albers.

However short-lived this first initial stage of love may be, there’s a certain level of excitement and drive associated with it to kickstart the rest of your relationship, should it go any further than love at first sight.

Stage two: Getting to the good part

If the first stage of falling in love is about attraction, the second stage is all about removing the rose-colored glasses and really seeing the person you’re attracted to. It’s normal to transplant expectations and desires on the person we’re attracted to in an effort to fit the mold for that theatrical romance we’ve always dreamed about. But that often means you’ll overlook red flags.

“In the second stage, there’s some disillusionment,” says Dr. Albers. “You really get to know who they are instead of who you want them to be. If you continue to bond and like who you see, that’s what moves you into the next phase.”

Sometimes, love can be challenging in that it fulfills a need in the moment, and then that need may eventually change over time. Sometimes, you might find that your needs are overlooked in exchange for prioritizing your partner’s needs, which results in a codependent relationship. But the biggest takeaway here is: If someone doesn’t love you on the same level you love them, that’s OK.

“A lot of times, people take it personally,” says Dr. Albers. “Them not loving you has more to do with them than it does with you. The people who are the most successful at love are those that can accept the other person for who they are without trying to change them.”

Stage three: Creating an attachment

Over time, your dopamine levels tend to drop off so that the thrill of love and all that adrenaline you feel during initial attraction starts to settle down. As you further solidify your connection with your partner and create an attachment to them, your brain increases its levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, which help maintain that bonded feeling you have for longer periods.

“Those feelings of lust and that wild excitement of attraction mellows and turns into feelings of connection,” says Dr. Albers. “It goes from fireworks to feeling like you care about that person’s needs and you’re interested in their future and you invest in them.”

Once you’re attached to someone, they play a pretty significant role in your life even when you’re participating in the smallest, mundane, everyday activities. You tend to grow together and partner up: It’s your team against the world.

And if at some point that attachment deteriorates and you end up growing apart from one another, you’re forever changed by it.

“When people talk about people from their past that they’ve loved, they’ve been changed by it in some ways that can’t ever be undone,” says Dr. Albers. “They still play a role in your memory and care, and those experiences change what love means to you.”

How your love languages affect your relationships

With all the physical changes that come with falling in love, and all the added pressure of expectations versus reality, it can seem a bit daunting when trying to figure out how to strengthen relationships and maintain them long past the honeymoon phase. If you’re looking to start with simple solutions, Dr. Albers suggests considering the five love languages, a concept created by author Gary Chapman in 1992.

“It’s a simple way to communicate the very important concept that there are various ways to feel loved,” says Dr. Albers.

The idea poses that there are five main love languages in which we express love and want to be loved, and while you may find more meaningful experiences by expressing one of these languages, your partner may find more meaning in others. The key here is identifying how you want to be loved, but also finding ways to love your partner through these five areas:

  • Words of affirmation: Telling your partner what you love about them, small acts of praise or giving them compliments are small ways to express this love language — but it doesn’t have to stop at words.You can send a thoughtful card, email or text, or share a meaningful memory, photo, meme or social media post to drive this one home.
  • Acts of service: This love language is about picking up responsibility in small and meaningful ways. Maybe your partner doesn’t like doing a certain chore, so you pick that up for them. Or, it could be as simple as cooking them breakfast, bringing them a cup of coffee or offering to run errands when they’re short on time or feeling sick. “Love is a verb,” says Dr. Albers. “Do one thing each day to make your partner feel special.”
  • Quality time: If your partner loves new experiences and date night ideas, this might be the area to focus on. The key here is to give your partner your undivided attention. Maybe go on a walk, watch a movie or pick up a hobby together. Whatever you decide to do, it’s important to do it fully with your partner’s focus front and center. “You can do acts of service while spending time together,” says Dr. Albers. “When your partner is talking, put down your phone and really take in what they’re saying.”
  • Gift giving: Roses, jewelry or any small token of your affection — this one is pretty straightforward and tends to be amplified when important events, holidays or anniversaries roll around. And you don’t necessarily need to go big or go home — a gift can be something as simple as picking up their favorite snack for your next movie night.
  • Physical touch: This could be as simple as holding hands, cuddling, a kiss or a hug. If physical touch is high on your partner’s list, sexual intimacy may also rank high on their priorities. “The person who uses words to express their affection instead of touch may have to work a bit harder to get out of their comfort zone and think about connecting through touch,” notes Dr. Albers.

The sooner you communicate with your partner, the easier it’ll become to love, elevate and support them. And if there is ever a lull in the relationship, turning to these love languages as life rafts may be key in getting things back on the right track.

“You can identify what someone’s love language is at any point and it’s really a helpful tool in helping to express how you care about someone,” says Dr. Albers.

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A Study Reveals The Average Time It Takes To Make A Woman Orgasm & It’s Not That Hard

By Manya Ailawadi

Finally, the world is ready to take women’s sexual pleasure seriously – and here’s all you need to know. Researchers have published a study that gives us the average time it takes for a heterosexual woman to reach orgasm. According to the research, it takes around 13.41 minutes. The study focused on women older than 18 years, who are in a monogamous stable heterosexual relationship.

We hope we have your attention because there’s more. The study also revealed that only 31.4 percent of participants climaxed during penetrative sex. The sample size of the research was 645 women, from 20 different countries. So many numbers, right? Additionally, it also measured ‘orgasmic latency‘, which is the gap between arousal and climax.  

This research talks about other factors which affect how you O, too. It also suggests that when the woman was on top – almost 42.2 percent of them reported longer-lasting sensations. The study was published in The Journal Of Sexual Medicine – which also revealed that the age of women and the time that they had been with their partner did not have a significant effect on how long orgasms took. So you know that the spark definitely doesn’t ‘frizzle out’.

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We’re having less sex because we’re too busy, not because of social media

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

 

By

Adults and young people in the US seem to be having less sex than previous generations, according to a study published in November 2021. As is often the case, mobile phones have been named as the cause of this change in behaviour, but is that really what’s going on?

This finding was based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), comparing over 8,500 individuals responses from 2009 and 2018.

The results echoed a similar study in the UK, called the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which has been collecting information about the public’s sexual experiences for over three decades.

The Natsal researchers have found that with every survey, the average number of occasions of sex per week has decreased: in 1991, respondents said they had sex five times a month. In 2001, this was down to four times per month, and by 2012, the average number was three per month. Unfortunately, the fourth survey was postponed due to COVID-19, though the team hope to complete the study in 2022-23.

When asked if Brits are having less sex, Soazig Clifton, the academic director for Natsal at University College London, replied with “a resounding yes”. But it’s not just the case in the UK and the US. “If you look around the world, other comparable studies show a decrease as well. So, it seems to be a real international trend.”

Studies in Germany looking at sexual activity in men and women showed a decline from 2005 to 2016, which the researchers suggest could be due to “a reduced proportion of [individuals] living with a partner”. But Clifton says that extracting the data of only cohabiting couples, Natsal researchers still found a decrease in sexual activity over the three studies.

Both the Natsal UK study and the US NSSHB study split findings between adolescents and adults. Both found that the two groups were having less sex. For teens in particular, the US researchers found a significant difference in the instances of heterosexual sex – in 2009, 79 per cent of those between the ages 14-17 said they had not had sex in the past year. Nearly a decade later, 89 per cent of adolescents reported no sex.

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Some have asked whether this could be down to young adults’ penchant (and perhaps preference) for social media and video gaming. Clifton warns that observational studies, like Natsal and NSSHB, “can’t easily answer the ‘why’ questions”.

“It is certainly theoretically plausible that people are spending so much time on their iPads and phones, connecting with others virtually rather than having sex with the person next to them,” says Clifton.

But it’s also possible that people feel more comfortable talking about sex now, compared with the 1990s, says Clifton. “Maybe people are more able to tell us that they’re not having sex. There is some statistical work we’ve done that shows we have a bit less reporting bias in our data. These decreases in biases would go along with the increased, more nuanced public conversation about sex.” However, Clifton explains this wouldn’t solely account for such a striking trend, though admits it might be part of the problem.

The idea that we are too busy – with phones, games or life in general – has been the subject of smaller, qualitative work by the Natsal. “The researchers worked with middle-aged women,” says Clifton. “And something that came up in that research was that women were too tired for sex. They had so much else going on in their life.”

“We looked at the first lockdown, which was particularly restrictive, and the impact on sex lives was really different for different groups of people.” The Natsal-COVID study showed that for people living with a partner, the frequency of sex was roughly the same as before the lockdown.

“In fact, most people didn’t report a change in their satisfaction with their sex lives. Some people say to me, ‘everyone will be having more sex because they were locked in a house together’. It’s just not the case.

“However, we were more likely to see a decline in frequency and satisfaction amongst people not living with partners, and amongst young people,” says Clifton.

Satisfaction, not frequency, is key, says Clifton. Prior to the pandemic, Natsal researchers found that most people believed others were having more frequent sex than they were having themselves. This misalignment could cause dissatisfaction in itself, one Natsal researcher wrote.

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

“It’s part of the picture of understanding society, along with other areas of health and behaviours in our population,” says Clifton.

“Sometimes [sexual activity] gets dismissed as being less important than other aspects of people’s lives. For some people, it’s a really important part of their life.”

These studies are even more important in countries with related problems, like declining birth rates. “Some of the countries who have also seen the decline in sex are quite worried about their declining birth rate – understanding patterns of sexual behaviour and frequency of sex are an important part of that puzzle.

“The Natsal study covers a wide range of topics related to sexual health, much more than just how often people are having sex. We cover things like nonconsensual sex, STIs, and different reproductive health outcomes.”

In the UK, Clifton says that there are those that would like to be having more sex, though most participants who reported having no sex in the past year said they were not dissatisfied with their sexual lives. For couples and the importance of sex for sustaining relationships, Clifton says there is some evidence it’s quality, not quantity, that matters.

“We don’t need to be worried about whether our relationship is going to fall apart [because of it].”

In fact, 25 per cent of men and women who are in a relationship reported that they do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. What we see in the media, Clifton says, is a misrepresentation of what’s normal in terms of sex. Instead of making people feel bad about their sex lives, understanding averages can help us feel happier with what we’ve got, three times a month.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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#1 Way To Fix Low Libido

By Colette Malan

Do you struggle with low sexual desire? If so, you’re not alone. While trying to figure out what women really want, the research found that about one-third of the women in the United States have low sexual desire.

There’s a surefire way to increase your libido, though, and it’s easier than you may think: have more sex!

As you try to understand your own sexual desire, there are a handful of things to consider.

The first is that there are very real biological components affecting a women’s sexual desire. For example, women have 20-40 percent less testosterone than men.

Testosterone is the hormone that gives men that compelling sex drive, and because women have so much less than men, it’s easy to see why our sex drive is less enthusiastic compared to that of a normal guy.

But it’s not just the hormones themselves that work against our sex drive; it’s also the frequency of their distribution in our blood that has an effect.

For most men, these distributions are consistently frequent, like the sun’s rising and setting.

The testosterone in their bloodstream spikes about every 15 minutes, supporting an ever-ready libido. It’s a completely different scenario for women. A woman’s libido is more like the moon in its cyclical nature.

Like the moon, our hormone pattern spans a 28-day cycle, in which the hormones and our sex drive differ throughout the month. 

Depending on our hormones on any given day, a woman’s libido may be optimal, like a full moon. Some days it may be only operating at half-speed. There are also days when it’s like a new moon and reduced down to nothing.

This is why our moods and sex drive are inconsistent and often frustrating for both ourselves and our partners.

The bottom line is that the very fact that you are a woman gives you a sexual drive disadvantage as compared to men — right from the starting gate.

For many women, there is also a myriad of other biological, psychological, and relationship factors that contribute to inhibiting a healthy sexual desire.

But all is not lost! While it feels unfair, as a sex therapist and a woman who once had low sexual desire herself, I’m here to tell you I have figured out the secrets on how to increase it.

In fact, the truth is that once a woman figures out how to access her own sex drive, she will discover that many women actually have a stronger, more limitless sexual capacity than men! We just have to know how to tap into our sexual potential.

To ignite your own sexual desire, you have to begin by having more sex. And yes, for many I know this seems counterintuitive, but the truth is, to kick start your own desire you need to start having sex.

From this place, it becomes easier to engage your libido… and a healthier dose of desire comes from there.

Feeling skeptical? Here are a few reasons why having more sex will increase your sexual desire:

Sex is like exercise.

If you haven’t exercised for a long time and you’re out of shape, your first day back at the gym may be hell. It won’t feel good and it will be hard. But if you ignore your resistance and keep working out, your body will kick back into gear. After a while, you’ll start to feel really good. Sex operates the same way. If you haven’t been sexual for a while, it will be hard to get going again. But once you get those feel-good endorphins kicked back in, you’ll be glad you stayed with it.

We all know that having sufficient sex hormones is essential for having sexual desire. But one thing you probably aren’t aware of is that having sex actually increases those hormones. Crazy, but true.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is what it’s *really* like to date someone in an open relationship

From drawing boundaries to catching feelings, here’s your guide to navigating non-monogamous situationships with someone who already has a partner

By Saskia Calliste

Thanks to celebrities like the Smith family, Bella Thorne and Shailene Woodley, more people know about polyamory, throuples, open relationships and ethical non-monogamy than ever before. A once-closeted expression of love is now out in the open – and once taboo relationship structures have opened up to people who disagree with traditional attitudes towards monogamy.

However, the growing conversation around open relationships, especially in high profile pairings like Will and Jada, tends to focus more on the couples themselves – but what about the people they are dating and forming relationships with outside of their socially recognised and validated partnerships?

Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds? How do we navigate these new dating realities when we develop feelings for individuals who already have a partner (or two)? For many people, this line of thought brings up question after question but, after a recent experience of my own, I’m set on finding answers.

“Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds?”

Last year, I was involved in a situationship with a man, let’s call him Jason*, in an open relationship. The title of “third” or “unicorn” was not something I had a right to – and that’s because I walked into the fringes of someone else’s open relationship, not having the first clue what I was getting myself involved in.

The rules with Jason were simple: “low-aggro and don’t catch feelings because my partner will always come first.” I thought that was fair, and I wasn’t exactly looking to get into a relationship with someone already spoken for. In fact, at this stage, I was pretty much on the same page as Jason: looking for fun and an antidote to the mess and stress of conventional dating. Where is the harm in that? Well, playing out like any early 2000s rom-com, I can tell you that this arrangement worked for a while before the inevitable happened: I caught feelings. Surprise!

“The rules with Jason were simple: ‘low-aggro and don’t catch feelings.'”

During the whole experience, I tried to keep it business as usual, seeing other people to avoid the tragic fate of my life turning into an unrequited love story. But the truth was, unlike in other types of polyamorous dating, where honest communication is encouraged, dating this individual left me without any bargaining power and made me feel like I couldn’t speak up for myself for fear of being perceived as too immature to deal with what I signed up for.

It was particularly difficult because, at least in the eyes of the guy I was with, I had no rights to these feelings of sadness, anger or upset because I wasn’t supposed to have them in the first place. I was made to feel disposable, cut off and disregarded like my feelings were completely irrelevant. Regardless of whether I willingly entered this situationship or not, that is a difficult position to be in.

My situation with Jason made me wonder if I’d ever consider dating someone in an open relationship again. From the little I did know, truly open relationships, ethical non-monogamy and poly relationships are supposed to be based on trust, openness and most of all respect – and that extends to casual dating as well as committed relationships. I knew that the kind of situationship I was involved in wasn’t representative of the community as a whole.

In search of answers about the realities of responsible and ethical non-monogamous (ENM) dating, I reached out to Ana Kirova. The CEO of Feeld, a progressive dating app with over 20 sexuality and gender options, and an ethical non-monogamous person herself, she’s just the kind of expert needed to guide any newbies through the ins-and-outs of dating someone in an open relationship. Want to know more? Keep reading…

Expert advice on dating someone in an open relationship

Q. First thing’s first: how do I know that dating someone in an open relationship is right for me when I’ve only dated monogamous people before?

There’s no straightforward response to that question – but after some self-education and soul-searching the answer might be a lot more clear. “Researching and expanding your understanding of open relationships can be really helpful to start giving definitions to what you might be missing in your current relationship. Books, blogs and podcasts can empower you to understand ethical non-monogamy and help you make an informed decision before entering a new relationship structure,” Kirova explains.

Finding community through apps an also be a great learning tool, she says.“Connecting with a community is another great way to learn about ENM and to feel less isolated in your exploration. Many people join Feeld to meet others who have already explored different relationship structures.”

And as Kirova emphasises, sometimes the healthiest thing is to be honest with yourself about what you don’t want. “As with exploring any desire, it’s important to go at a pace you’re comfortable with and to be open and honest with yourself and your partner(s). Be open minded and reflect on how you’re feeling – finding out ENM isn’t for you is an equally valid and empowering choice. Exploring is a practice on its own, so be patient and open with yourself.”

Q. I took the plunge and started casually dating someone who’s currently in an open relationship. What should I do if I start developing feelings for them?

Okay, this can be a sticky one! But as Kirova recommends, honesty and direct communication are the way forward.

“Be honest with that person and share how you feel. If the person you are dating feels happy in an open relationship, reflect on your own feelings and desires and whether you are willing to accept them and their preferred relationship structure,” Kirova explains. “It’s a good idea to research ENM and the different types of open relationship structures. It helps give things a name which allows for more confidence and clarity when you’re reflecting on them.”

“It may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship”

But you also need to be having these kinds of discussions with yourself. “Be very honest with yourself and your desires, reflect on what is your preferred relationship structure and how far you are happy to negotiate if you are willing to negotiate at all,” Kirova says. “Something I really want to emphasise is that it’s okay to not want an open relationship or another ENM arrangement, wanting commitment within a monogamous structure is a valid and authentic choice, as long as you are clear with yourself that this is what you want.”

And ultimately, if these preferences don’t align, it may be a case of understanding that it’s best to break things off. “While you are being true to yourself and honest with your partner, be prepared that it may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship and will need to part ways. And that is okay too.”

Q. I’m new to all this and don’t know a lot about navigating the non-monogamous dating world. Are there any red flags I need to be aware of in potential partners?

To begin, it’s good to have in mind that there’s no one “right” way to do ethical non-monogamy. “There are numerous ways of practising ENM, which can include a don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship. However, it is essential that everyone has consented to the structure and boundaries of the relationship,” Kirova explains. “Like with monogamous relationships, ENM people can be unfaithful if they break the agreed relationship structure and disrespect their partners.”

There’s also a lot of lessons from the wider dating world that can apply to polyamorous situations. “The red flags are likely to be similar to people in monogamous relationships,” Kirova says. “If your partner stops communicating with you in the way that you need and is putting their desires before your needs then it is important you consider whether you are still happy in that relationship.”

And as always, open dialogue and equality are paramount within non-monogamous relationships. “If you begin to feel that your partner is making decisions for you and not discussing these openly and honestly with you to gain your consent then this undermines trust which is essential for any relationship structure including ENM,” says Kirova.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Fear of Intimacy?

By Elizabeth Pratt

Fear of intimacy is characterized as the fear of sharing a close physical or emotional relationship with another person. People with a fear of intimacy may experience distress or anxiety at the thought of being intimate with another person. Intimacy can take many forms, including sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.1

Learn more about the fear of intimacy, its characteristics, causes, and ways to cope.

Defining Fear of Intimacy

The word “intimacy” comes from the Latin word “intimus” which means “innermost.” It refers to the idea of sharing the innermost or most genuine parts of ourselves with others and relates to building closeness and connection in relationships.1

Fear of intimacy involves having anxiety about or being afraid of sharing a close connection with another person. People with this fear usually don’t want to avoid intimacy entirely, and may even desire closeness, but they may frequently push others away or sabotage their relationship due to their fear.

Those with a fear of intimacy may experience fear around all kinds of intimacy, including emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Some define types of intimacy as including the following:

Emotional intimacy

Being emotionally intimate with another person may involve sharing your deeply held thoughts, fear, dreams, or emotions. Sharing an emotional intimacy means being comfortable to speak openly about sensitive matters with another person. This helps both parties feel safe.2

Experiential intimacy

Those who share experiential intimacy bond over shared experiences and moments. This may take the form of inside jokes or sharing memories with each other. Sharing experiences together can create a sense of closeness and connection.2

Intellectual intimacy

Sharing an intellectual intimacy with another person may involve sharing views on a particular topic and knowing this will be valued. It does not mean agreeing with the other person or feeling pressured to change one’s own viewpoint.

By feeling comfortable sharing thoughts and ideas freely, intellectually intimate people often have thought-provoking conversations that may challenge a person’s views but without feelings of being attacked or judged.2

Spiritual intimacy

Sharing an intimacy with a spiritual basis may or may not involve a certain religious practice. Spiritual intimacy involves becoming close through a jointly held belief. This may involve prayer or worship between a couple.2

Sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy involves sharing a close sensual relationship with another person. Sharing sexual expression together, either through intercourse or other sensual activities, can form a feeling of connectedness and closeness between people.

Characteristics of Fear of Intimacy

People with a fear of intimacy can usually form relationships, including romantic attachments and friendships, but when pressed to show vulnerability or share closeness in other ways, they may react with indifference, coldness, or other behaviors meant to push away others.3

Some common ways that people with a fear of intimacy may distance themselves from another person include:

  • Withholding affection, being dismissive, or reacting negatively to others showing affection
  • Avoiding physical contact
  • Avoiding sexual contact
  • Becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner
  • Having bouts of anger or lashing out
  • Being extremely critical of a partner
  • Feeling guarded or having difficulty sharing emotions or feelings
  • Issues with trusting people 1

People with a fear of intimacy may also have a history of self-imposed social isolation or relationships that were rocky or unstable. They also may struggle with low self-esteem and fear of commitment.

What Causes Fear of Intimacy?

The causes of fear of intimacy can be complex and varied. Some researchers have suggested that everyone has a fear of intimacy to a certain extent. However, more severe fear of intimacy is generally rooted in past childhood experiences, trauma, or abuse.3

Negative Childhood Experiences

A painful or distressing experience from childhood may cause adults to develop a fear of being intimate with another person. Experiences in childhood can determine how an adult trusts other people. If a child’s trust was violated through abuse or trauma, as an adult they may struggle to trust another person enough to be intimate with them.41

Trauma or Abuse

If any relationship involves abuse or violence, intimacy can be impacted. One partner using their power inappropriately over the other partner leads to a break down in trust and lack of safety necessary to be intimate with another person. Past experiences involving physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse can also lead to a fear of intimacy.14

Conflicts

People in relationships who experience ongoing conflict may find it difficult to feel intimacy with their partner. Underlying issues like anger, resentment, hurt feelings, a lack of trust or feelings of being under-appreciated can lead to people avoiding intimacy.4

Communication Problems

Those who are in relationships marred by communication problems may have problems with intimacy. This can stem from not feeling well understood.4

Underlying Fears

Fear of intimacy can also develop due to other underlying causes, including:3

  • Fear of abandonment. Worry that a partner or person will leave once they really get to know you
  • Fear of exposure. Concern about a partner or friend learning information that you find embarrassing
  • Fear of attack. Worry about sharing personal information with a partner in case it will later be used against you
  • Fear of loss of control. Fear that growing closer or being intimate with someone else will cause you to lose some sense of control over your own life. 4

Diagnosing Fear of Intimacy

Clinicians use the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the American Psychiatric Association’s official handbook, to diagnose mental health conditions, including phobias.

However, fear of intimacy is not a clinically recognized phobia, so there is not a specific diagnosis for fear of intimacy. A psychologist, therapist, or other qualified mental health professional can work with you to determine if you have a fear of intimacy, and where you fall on the spectrum. Some people experience mild traits, while others may not be able to form close relationships at all.

The Fear of Intimacy Scale is one measurement tool that can help therapists objectively assess the condition.

Coping: Navigating Fear of Intimacy in Relationships

Many people experience barriers to intimacy at times. But if a fear of intimacy is interfering with relationships or daily life, help is available.
Some ways to cope with a fear of intimacy include:

  • Speak with a relationship counselor or therapist
  • If you are in a relationship, focus on the good things and tell your partner how much you appreciate them.
  • Be open about what you are feeling, especially with your partner
  • Make an effort to create opportunities for intimacy. This may involve planning a regular time to interact together.
  • Explore new ways of building intimacy. This may involve trying new activities to build experiential intimacy, discussing ideas to build intellectual intimacy, sharing emotions you wouldn’t normally share with others to build emotional intimacy, and discussing spirituality to build spiritual intimacy.
  • Create a safe space where you and your partner or other companion feel comfortable and personal space is respected1 4

Summary

A fear of intimacy can involve a person becoming afraid, anxious, or distressed about being intimate with another person. This can happen in all kinds of intimacy including sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, or spiritual intimacy. Those with a fear of intimacy may have a history of unstable relationships, avoid physical or sexual contact, be isolated, and have trouble sharing how they feel. Speaking with a relationship counselor or therapist is an important step in helping to overcome a fear of intimacy.

A Word From Verywell

A fear of intimacy can be upsetting, but there is help available. If you are in a relationship but have a fear of intimacy, consider telling your partner how you are feeling and be open about your fears

A relationship counselor, psychologist, or therapist can help you develop strategies to cope with a fear of intimacy, regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship right now.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to End a Relationship Without Being a Total Jerk

Breaking up is rarely easy, but it may not have to be so brutal.


by Kasandra Brabaw

If you’ve landed on this page, there’s a good chance you’re thinking about breaking up with someone. Unfortunately, we’re not exactly taught how to end a relationship, let alone how to end a relationship tactfully. So if you’re feeling a bit lost without a roadmap, know that you aren’t alone. The reality is that not every relationship ends with a blow-out fight, a cheating scandal, or a glaring sign that this pairing has run its course. Instead, sometimes relationships fizzle out in more subtle or one-sided ways, which can make ending things a lot more confusing. How can you do what’s best for you if it means most likely hurting someone that you probably still care for in some way?

SELF tapped a few relationship experts to get their advice on navigating this difficult but necessary part of dating. (Worth noting: If you’re trying to end an abusive relationship specifically, it’s good to seek out tips on how to break up with an abusive partner safely. While some of the tips below may still be helpful for some aspects of that situation, resources such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline can provide support tailored to your experience.)

How to know if it’s time to break up

The first step in ending a relationship as respectfully as possible is making sure that this is truly what you want. That may sound obvious, but it’s not always so clear.

“People usually do not feel 100% confident about ending a relationship,” Casey Tanner, M.A., LCPC, AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of The Expansive Group, tells SELF. “More often, people have parts of themselves that want to leave and other parts that want to stay.”

If you find yourself in a similar situation, it can be really hard to know where to go from here. To avoid an impulsive breakup, Tanner recommends thinking about how consistent and persistent your desire to end the relationship has been. If it’s only been a week or two, leave room for the possibility that you’re just going through a rough patch and may be able to get back on track with your partner if that’s actually what will make you happiest in the long run.

Tanner also recommends reflecting on what would need to change in order for this relationship to move forward, and whether you have given it a fair chance to evolve. For instance, have you addressed your concerns with your partner? Has your partner shown that they can adapt in previous conversations about your relationship? If the reason you’re considering leaving isn’t an immediate dealbreaker (like learning that your partner will never want kids when you do or falling out of romantic love) it might be worth it to put in some work before deciding to call it quits. 

Shadeen Francis, LMFT, a couples therapist who specializes in emotional intelligence, likens a good breakup to a smooth plane landing. “A pilot lets you know you’re approaching a landing significantly before they start bringing down the plane,” she tells SELF. Similarly, it shouldn’t come as a complete surprise to your partner that you’re ending things. Whenever possible, it’s helpful to communicate what’s not working for you before you make the decision to end things. Not only will this help you to avoid blindsiding your partner, but it will also give you the time and space to make sure this is the right decision for you.

One major exception to all of this is if you just know, deep in your gut, that you won’t be happy in this relationship even if you, your partner, or your circumstance changes in certain ways. It’s perfectly valid to leave a relationship if that’s what’s best for you even without major or immediate dealbreakers, and even if you haven’t given the relationship time to change. But it’s often still possible to figure out how to end a relationship in a way you can be proud of under those circumstances.

Finding the “best” time to end things

While there may never be a great time to break up with someone, there are certainly plenty of bad times. Like someone’s birthday. Or right before they head into work for a big presentation. Basically, you want to be mindful of what else is going on in your partner’s life and not add to an already stressful time (if at all possible), notes Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and sex and marriage therapist. “If your partner is an accountant and it’s the middle of tax season—not a good time,” Dr. Fleming says. Similarly, you probably wouldn’t want to end a relationship when someone is grieving someone who recently died, they just lost their job, or something else stressful or tragic is going on in their life.

Of course, it’s not always possible to find a “good” time, and it’s not a good idea to compromise your own needs by staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in for the sake of your partner, says Shanet Dennis, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in New York. She offers a few tips for handling a breakup delicately even if you can’t avoid bad timing. First, think about the environment: Pick a private time and place so that you can avoid an audience. Then, acknowledge that you know it’s not a great time. You can say something like, “I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, but I can’t put off this conversation.”

It’s also important to make sure you feel ready to have the conversation. Take some time to write down your thoughts, get organized, and maybe even practice the conversation a few times. “You could play it through with a friend or do it in the mirror, but just get comfortable with the words, because it’s likely to be an emotional conversation,” Dr. Fleming says. 

How to have the breakup conversation

A respectful breakup will be a two-way conversation, so be prepared for this to take a while. “It’s creating space for both of you to really say goodbye,” Dr. Fleming says.

In a perfect world, you’d be coming into your side of the conversation without a ton of regret. This goes back to making sure you’ve done what you can, within reason, to make the relationship work while still being true to your own needs, which may have included previous hard conversations about your relationship or couples therapy. While it can sometimes feel like that was for nothing if you’re ultimately ending the relationship anyway, all that work goes a long way in helping you to have a productive, respectful conversation about why you can’t move forward in the relationship.

Before starting the conversation, consider exactly why you feel the relationship should end, but be careful not to put all of the blame on your partner. “If you understand your reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship or in that particular relationship, be really clear on it because that’s what eliminates some of the pain,” Dennis says. She recommends focusing on yourself when explaining why. So instead of saying, “You never have enough time for me,” put the focus on your feelings and say, “I’ve realized this relationship isn’t fulfilling all of my needs.” While you can’t avoid all hurt feelings, putting the focus on what you’re missing from the relationship keeps the blame game to a minimum. “It just lands a little differently,” Dennis says. “You’re saying the same thing, but from the ‘I’ perspective it doesn’t feel like an attack.”

It’s important to give your partner the space they need to talk through their feelings too. Understand that each of you is coming to the conversation with different perspectives and different needs. Validation is important in a breakup conversation, though it’s key to remember that validation does not equal agreement, Dr. Fleming says. For instance, you can say “I hear you” or “I understand why you’re hurting,” without implying that you necessarily agree with their viewpoints. “The important piece about this is reflective listening,” Dr. Fleming says. You’re validating your partner’s feelings (within reason), empathizing, and giving them the space to be heard.

As much as you want to empathize and be respectful about your partner’s perspective, Dennis cautions against focusing too much on putting yourself in their shoes. “Breakups can be unpredictable and the initiator is taking a big step towards choosing self,” she says. Your intention in ending the relationship should be avoiding intentional harm, not trying too hard to understand your partner’s perspective.

Beyond creating space for a respectful conversation, Tanner recommends avoiding giving false hope that you can get back together in the future. “If you’re sure about your decision to break up with this person, stay strong in that decision and don’t communicate about the possibility of the relationship reopening,” says Tanner.

Making the post-breakup period less awful

Once the conversation is over, try to respect the level of privacy your partner wants, within reason. If they’d like to wait a few days or weeks before telling friends and family that your relationship is over, try to honor that request. Similarly, it’s a good idea to follow their lead when it comes to post-breakup contact. If they want a clear and immediate break on all fronts, try to respect that. On the other hand, if they want to continue to communicate in a way that you don’t feel comfortable with, be clear about that.

Of course, any relationship that has lasted more than a few weeks will have logistics to deal with in a breakup. Do you keep following each other on social media? Do you go to mutual friends’ parties and birthdays? If you live together, who moves out and who keeps what? If you have pets, do you share custody now, or does one person take the pets? Unfortunately, there’s no easy guide for how to end a relationship. These questions either have to be part of the first breakup conversation, or you’ll have to schedule a second conversation to figure out what happens now. Dennis recommends thinking through your own logistics plan before the breakup conversation even happens. “You don’t want your next move to be dependent on your ex,” she says. That might include finding a place to stay if you live together and making a list of everything you brought to your shared living space or have left at your partner’s place.

If you do decide to have a follow-up conversation about logistics, you’ll again want to be as respectful as possible while knowing that emotions may still understandably be high. When having these conversations “pay attention to your emotional thermometer,” Dr. Fleming says. If things are getting a little too intense, you may want to suggest taking a break and coming back to this at another time, or even managing some of the logistics over email or text. In addition to being a bit less emotional, this has the advantage of putting your agreement in writing, Dennis says. In case anything goes south, it can be helpful to have a written record.

After the details get squared away, there’s really no template for how you and your ex-partner move on from here. In a respectful breakup, the most important thing is to discuss and honor each other’s boundaries. “Use common sense and trust your gut when it tells you what kind of communication feels values aligned, and which communication is preventing necessary healing,” Tanner says.

In the end, it might be impossible to break up with your partner without hurting them. But if you come to the conversation honestly and respectfully, you’ll go a long way toward making this process a bit easier for everyone involved.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Death during sex isn’t just something that happens to middle-aged men, new study finds

By

Sex has many beneficial physical and psychological effects, including reducing high blood pressure, improving the immune system and aiding better sleep. The physical act of sex and orgasm releases the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which is important in building trust and bonding between people. But there’s a dark side: people sometimes die during or shortly after sex. The incidence is, thankfully, extremely low and accounts for 0.6% of all cases of sudden death.

There are many reasons why this happens to people. In most cases, it is caused by the physical strain of the sexual activity, or prescription drugs (drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, for example), or illegal drugs, such as cocaine – or both.

The risk of any sudden cardiac death is higher as people age. A forensic postmortem study from Germany of 32,000 sudden deaths over a 33-year period found that 0.2% of cases occurred during sexual activity. Sudden death occurred mostly in men (average age 59 years) and the most frequent cause was a heart attack, also known as myocardial infarction. Studies of sudden cardiac death and sexual activity from the US, France and South Korea show similar findings.

Person snorting cocaine.
Cocaine can increase the risk of sudden cardiac death during sex.

Not just the middle-aged men

Recently, however, researchers at St George’s, University of London, found that this phenomenon is not just limited to middle-aged men. The study, which is published in JAMA Cardiology, investigated sudden cardiac death in 6,847 cases referred to the centre for cardiac pathology at St George’s between January 1994 and August 2020. Of these, 17 (0.2%) occurred either during or within one hour of sexual activity. The average (mean) age of death was 38 years, and 35% of the cases occurred in women, which is higher than in previous studies.

These deaths were typically not caused by heart attacks, as seen in older men. In half of the cases (53%), the heart was found to be structurally normal and a sudden abnormal heart rhythm called sudden arrhythmic death syndrome or Sads was the cause of death. Aortic dissection was the second largest cause (12%). This is where the layers in the wall of the large artery from the heart supplying blood around the body tear and blood flows between the layers causing it to bulge and burst.

The remaining cases were due to structural anomalies such as cardiomyopathy (a disease of the heart muscle that makes it harder for the heart to pump blood to the rest of your body), or from a rare group of genetic conditions known as channelopathies. This is where the ion channels that let sodium and potassium in and out of the cells in the heart muscle don’t work properly. The change to the sodium and potassium in the cells can alter the electrical current through the heart muscle and change the way it beats. An altered heart rhythm can cause a lack of oxygen (myocardial ischemia) and can lead to a sudden cardiac arrest where the heart stops beating.

This new study suggests that sudden cardiac death in people under the age of 50 is mainly due to sudden arrhythmic death syndrome or cardiomyopathies. Younger adults who have been diagnosed with these conditions should seek advice from their cardiologist on the risk associated with sexual activity. However, the low incidence of death in these studies suggests the risk is very low – even in people with existing heart conditions.

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7 Steamy Items To Add To Your Sex Bucket List

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By Molly Longman, Kasandra Brabaw

If you have sexual fantasies you’ve never acted on, don’t worry — you’re definitely not alone. Even the sexually adventurous among us can’t possibly have made it through every possible sexual scenario. There are countless sex positions, locations, kinks, and couplings to explore. So, if you’re looking to get a bit more experienced, then it’s time to sit down and write your sex bucket list.

Just like a regular bucket list — which is a check list of experiences you want to have before you die — a sex bucket list forces you to think about what you really want to do in the bedroom. It’s almost guaranteed to make your sex life a little more exciting. Making a list is just the beginning, though. The real fun comes in checking each item off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up some steamy sexual fantasies to inspire your own sex bucket list — and how to actually make them a reality.

Sex At The Office

Despite all of the NSFW warnings that make it clear our minds shouldn’t be on sex at the office, plenty of people fantasise about tossing the papers off of their desk and getting dirty. Sometimes these daydreams involve a partner popping by for a surprise visit and sometimes they involve a coworker. Either way, it can’t hurt to try at least once — just make sure you’re doing it on your own desk, and not invading a random coworker’s space, in a totally empty office.

How to make it happen: Be super clear about lines of consent if you’re going to try this one with a coworker. Being aware of how positions of power can affect consent is always important, but office romances (or hookups) are top of mind in this #MeToo era.

Role-play

Whether it’s fantasising about having a one night stand with a stranger you meet in a bar, or a doctor’s visit taking a turn for the erotic, role-play is the answer. Especially if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, role-play allows you to explore all of your sexual fantasies while staying faithful.

How to make it happen: Float the idea to your partner ahead of time, and ask them to share their fantasy, too.

Having “Anywhere But The Bed” Sex

Sex in your bed is great, of course, but every once in a while it’s fun to switch up the location. Have sex on the kitchen table, against your front door, in the backyard, in your pool, in the car, or anywhere else your imagination takes you.

How to make it happen: The instructions on this one are pretty simple — just do it. But remember, if you have roommates and aren’t into letting them watch, makes sure to plan your “anywhere but the bed” sex for a time when you know they won’t be coming home.

Adding A Third

If you’ve always dreamed about having sex that involves three or more people, you’re not alone. All kinds of people, both queer and straight, have fantasised about having a threesome.

How to make it happen: As magical as threesomes sound, they don’t actually happen by magic. It takes a lot of communication, with your partner if you’re adding a third, with the couple if you’re joining in, or with two people who’ve never slept with each other before. You’ll need to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and make sure everyone involved is excited for what’s about to happen. Still not sure how to make it work? Read these handy tips from people who’ve actually had threesomes — and love them.

Having Sex In A Public Place

Whether it’s in the bathroom at your favourite bar, in a department store dressing room, or behind the bushes on a deserted street, the could-get-caught risk makes public sex way more exciting than your usual romp at home. With that said, it’s not cool to involve non-consenting strangers in your trysts, especially if you’re somewhere they could see you, hear you, or even have to clean up after you.

How to make it happen: Involving other people who did not consent in your kink is not cool. So no, even if sex in a dressing room or some place with a high risk of getting caught seems fun, it’s not okay. Instead, aim for spots that feel public, but don’t put other people at risk, such as in your car in a deserted parking lot, or in a sex club.

Having Sex While Someone Watches

Exhibitionism isn’t for everyone, but some people love the idea of getting it on with a partner while a third person watches (and maybe even masturbates because they find the action so sexy).

How to make it happen: If you live in a city that hosts sex parties, then it’s almost guaranteed that someone will watch. If you can’t attend a sex party, find an adventurous friend who’s willing to join in or put a call out on dating apps. It might take some time to find the right person, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Channeling Your Inner Anastasia Steele

If you’ve heard of 50 Shades Of Grey, then you have at least some idea of what it means to be submissive (though keep in mind that both the books and movies get a lot wrong about kink). Being a submissive essentially means that the dominant partner has control — with your consent, of course. That can mean the dom ties you up, spanks you, denies you an orgasm, tells you what to say, or any number of other sexual acts.

How to make it happen: If you have a partner, start with a conversation. Telling anyone about your kink can be nerve-wracking, for sure, but open communication with sexual partners is the only surefire way to make sure you’re getting what you want in bed. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list so that both you and your partner are able to talk about what you’re willing (and not willing) to do.

If you don’t have a partner, many sex parties have BDSM sections for people who either want to dominate or be dominated. If the idea of a sex dungeon freaks you out, attend a class or information session for a reputable sex party or kink group in your area.

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