Curious about trying tantric sex?

— Here’s everything you need to know

The key to sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.

By Nina Miyashita

In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by sex—how to have it, how often you should have it, what it should feel like—it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Regardless of if you’re in a long term relationship or you’re single and dating around, far too often, we can easily become disconnected from sex, in more ways than one. So if you find yourself disassociating from the practice, physically or mentally, and starting to struggle in your sex life, rest assured you’re far from being the only one.

Whether you’re dealing with performance anxiety or sexual dysfunction, or you’re just feeling detached or distant from your sexual partner and you want to shake things up, there’s an old sexual practice that can help you get back on track, teach you how to be more present in the moment during sex, and help enhance your lovemaking to a whole new realm. Like the sound of what you’re hearing so far? You might want to consider tantric sex.

A ritual that has been the centre of growing interest in recent years as a way to increase and strengthen sexual connection, tantric sex comes from the word Tantra, an ancient spiritual practice that focuses on a deep sense of bodily, mental and spiritual intimacy—essentially, sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.

What is tantric sex?

“Tantra is an artform that has continuously evolved over the centuries, and today, there are many different variations on the teachings of Tantra,” says Scarlett Wolf, a certified tantric facilitator, educator and massage therapist based in Sydney.

“There are 64 Arts of Tantra, such as the Art of music, poetry, martial arts, language, astronomy and philosophy, to name a few. One purpose of practising the Tantric Arts is to bring vibrancy and creativity into your life, as opposed to living a limiting existence. Tantric, or Sacred Sex, is one of these Arts, and can be practised to a level of mastery.”

Wolf points out that performative, goal-oriented sex can often feel unfulfilling, an issue that we can often run into either in a long term relationship or thanks to all the unhelpful cultural messaging we get around the purpose of sex.

If there’s only one goal for sex, to have an orgasm or to reproduce for example, it can start to feel a bit like a chore—especially for couples who’ve been together for a long time—and you might start to get the sense that it’s just something to get over with. On the other hand, Tantric sex is a slow and intentional way of connecting sexually.

What are the principles of tantric sex?

Mindfulness, intimacy and presence define tantric sex above all else, and it largely centres on a process of energy cultivation and exchange. “Harnessing the power of your sexual energy can open the doors to deep spiritual experiences, personal self-actualisation, and healing,” Wolf says. “The path of Tantra goes beyond the act of sex, as the pathway to an incredible sex life is through, first and foremost, knowing yourself.”

Seeing as our intimate experiences and relationships often reflect how we are in other ways, Wolf says that learning how to hold depth, passion and presence through different aspects of tantric sex can also positively impact so many other areas of our lives.

What are the benefits of tantric sex?

According to Wolf, tantric sex is for “anyone who has a desire to get to know themselves on a deeper level, feel more confident and reach their full potential with sex and intimacy”—and don’t we all? The benefit and goal of tantric is, in turn, multifaceted.

For men specifically, Wolf says there are some specific areas it can really assist in. “It’s extremely helpful for premature ejaculation, performance anxiety and in some cases, erectile dysfunction, if it’s not a medical condition but rather a psychological pattern,” she says. “A man who struggles with premature ejaculation can also reprogram his body to last for extended periods of time and enjoy being in the moment, rather than in fear of how he performs.”

As for couples, practising together can lead to deeper connection and better communication skills, helping you both to better understand your individual emotional and sexual needs—something seemingly simple yet very common that can often be a big barrier to meaningful sex between couples. Always remember that if you’re going to try introduce tantric sex to a partner to get their full and verbal consent to the practice.

Along with more satisfying orgasms and a reduction of stress and anxiety, there’s a whole plethora of benefits with tantric that might change your sex life forever.

How do you incorporate tantric sex into your relationship?

Before you can truly reap the benefits of tantric in your relationship, you’ll have to learn a few things on your own. “Having a solo practice is the starting point of Tantra,” Wolf explains. “Even when you’re in a sexually active relationship, having your own individual practice is essential for the deepening of your connection to your own body.”

“Knowing how to cultivate a connection to self first is what increases our capacity to connect more deeply with others, and feel more present in intimacy when we have partnered experiences. Once you’ve activated your sense of sexual freedom, self-expression and inner confidence, you can then experience this in your partnership.”

What are the techniques and practices of tantric sex?

Regulate your nervous system and do breathing exercises

When you’re getting started on your own, learning how to regulate your nervous system is super important. Think things like meditation, gentle exercise and breathwork. “When we are relaxed, and our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, we feel safe to communicate,” Wolf says. “We are then able to experience what true connection really is, and enjoy mind-blowing pleasure with our partner.”

In Wolf’s words, the secret to pleasure is relaxation. That means taking the time to get off our screens and taking some much needed time out. She recommends movement practices like meditation, dancing, or even taking a walk to clear your head before sex can be really helpful. Learning to slow down your breath is great, too. Breathing in for 5 counts and out for 10 is an easy breathing exercise you can implement to come into a more relaxed state.

Self pleasure

Self pleasure is also going to be important, since this is one of the best ways you can learn about your own sexuality. “Self pleasuring quickly and unconsciously will not make you a better lover, but taking your time and treating your body like you would treat your lover will,” says Wolf.

“A simple way is to practise circulating sexual energy through your body when you self pleasure. Use your breath and visualise as you are breathing that you are drawing your sexual energy up out of your genitals with your in breath and as you breathe out, visualise it spreading throughout your body. This is deeply relaxing and energising for your system.”

Remember, before you start any kind of tantric practice with a partner, getting their full, enthusiastic consent before any sexual or intimate activity is paramount, as is communicating about how you’re both feeling throughout.

Eye gazing

One of the most common ways to start a tantric practice with your partner, once you’re ready to have them join you, is eye gazing or eye contact. Here, Wolf breaks it down step by step.

“Have your partner sit cross legged, or in another comfortable position, facing you, and make sure your posture is supported. Hold hands and keep your arms, shoulders and hands relaxed. Look into the left eye of your partner and hold a gentle yet deep gaze.” You may blink, laugh, cry, smile whilst eye gazing, but try to keep a silence. In lieu of verbal communication, establish non-verbal consent cues before you begin. “Eye gaze for at least 5 minutes or as long as you desire. You may wish to listen to some beautiful music, preferably without lyrics, and then share your experience with your partner afterwards.”

Connecting heart centres through visualisation

“Place your left hand on your partner’s heart and your right hand on their genitals. On your in breath, visualise their sexual energy drawing up through your right hand, into your heart. Use this to energise your body. When you exhale, imagine sending the love in your heart through your left hand into your partner’s heart. Continue this breath and movement energy cycle for five minutes. This is a beautiful way to meditate together that creates a deeper emotional connection, and is also highly arousing.”

Sensual massage and touch

Engaging in a full body sensual massage is another great way to practise partnered tantric, and aims to move sexual energy around the body. Gently massage your partner with intention from the chest and shoulders all the way down their body, focusing on erotic zones, all while you pay attention to your breath.

Giving up too soon

One of the most important things to know before you get started is that Tantra is not about instant gratification. Patience is required when you’re learning new way of deepening your sexual experiences. “For many people, there is a reprogramming that happens around what they’ve known sex to be about,” Wolf confirms.

“Tantra is a journey. It’s not about ‘getting it right’ straight away. While it’s extremely enlightening to educate yourself by reading, watching videos and having conversations about Tantra, the real shift happens when you do the practices.” And Wolf is confident that if you’re consistent with your practice, you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll see and feel results.

Believing that tantra isn’t for you because no one you know does it

“Often people feel shy and don’t have the confidence to share what they’ve learnt, as they feel it’s too weird, out there and might not be accepted—but don’t assume a sexual partner won’t be interested,” Wolf encourages. “As long as someone has a willingness and openness to learn and connect with you this way, that’s all that matters. It’s a beautiful and life changing journey to introduce someone to, and you’ll often be met with gratitude.”

Tantra practice isn’t right for you because you’re not a spiritual person

Worried about the spiritual aspect of the practice? Wolf says you really don’t have to be. “Aside from Tantra having the ability to take you into ecstatic states, it’s also a very grounding somatic—somatic means of the body—practice,” she explains.

“If what you’re looking for is more meaningful connections, and a more fulfilling and enjoyable sex life at the very least, practising Tantra is for you. What I’ve found after 15 years on my Tantric Journey is that there’s never a limit to the depth you can go to with Tantra. It’s a gift that continues to give.”

Complete Article HERE!

7 Habits of Highly Sex-cessful People

— Why do some couples keep the home fires burning while for others the embers grow dim? Here’s what some romantic partners are doing right

By Nicole Pajer

You know who they are.

That couple down the block who’ve been together for 25 years and still canoodle like newlyweds. They seem to have the intimacy and magic you and your partner once shared. How do they do it?

There are plenty of obvious reasons some couples lose their intimacy mojo over time: too much stress, too much conflict, too many health issues. But there are also plenty of healthy people in otherwise healthy relationships who aren’t getting their fair share of lovin’. What’s separating the sexually successful from the carnally challenged? We took a peek under the sheets and discovered some unexpected habits that have nothing to do with your relationship and can help any couple regain their romantic mojo.

1. Sex-cessful couples use the bedroom — for sleeping

Women who sleep an extra hour at night experience more sexual desire the next day and a 14 percent increased likelihood of having sex, according to one study. Maybe it’s because their partners are better rested as well: Not getting enough sleep has been linked to erectile dysfunction and a lack of testosterone in men. “A lot of your hormones and sex hormones are actually produced during good sleep,” says Graham King, M.D., a family medicine physician with Mayo Clinic Health System. Aim for at least seven to nine hours per night; anything under six on a regular basis could be setting you up for trouble.

One key to better sleep and better sex: Don’t bring your smartphone to bed. A study conducted by tech solutions company Asurion looked at the bedroom habits of 2,000 U.S. adults and found that 35 percent of respondents said their sex life had been impacted by their or their spouse’s bedtime phone use. “The phone acts as a barrier to intimacy by distracting attention away from your partner, creating distance between you,” says Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and host of the A to Z of Sex podcast. “Great sex needs both people to be present and focused on each other — and little else, actually!”

2. Sex-cessful couples never crash diet

Almost every trendy approach to losing weight, from keto to intermittent fasting, involves cutting out certain food categories and thereby restricting calories. Maybe they’re fat or carb or protein calories, but the fact is that not getting proper nutrients can have an impact on your sex drive.

“We need protein, we need fats to be able to build those sex hormones and keep our different muscular systems, including our genitals, working right,” says King. Sex, he says, requires a lot of blood flow, an array of hormones, and precursors to different kinds of amino acids we need for vasodilation “and, of course, ultimately, orgasms. So if we’re malnourished, we don’t have the fuel to get there.” If you’re trying to lose weight, do it intelligently. Eat a well-balanced diet high in produce, lean meat and fish, and whole grains, with a minimum of sugar and ultra-processed foods. (AARP’s best-selling guide to 50-plus nutrition, The Whole Body Reset, is now available in paperback.)

3. Sex-cessful couples soak up the sun

You’ve no doubt heard about the importance of vitamin D, and perhaps you’ve asked your doctor to check your blood levels. If not, and if you live in the northern half of the nation, a lack of vitamin D might be interfering with your love life. Low D has been linked to decreased erectile and orgasmic function, as well as diminished sexual desire. But supplements in winter can help: Additional research has found that supplementing with vitamin D can improve sexual function and mood in women with low vitamin D levels. To get more D from your diet, prioritize vitamin D–fortified foods like milk or yogurt. If you prefer to get your vitamin D from being outdoors, remember that you also need to protect yourself: The median age of people receiving a melanoma diagnosis is 66.

4. Sex-cessful couples work their muscles

Working out increases sexual arousal in women and helps combat erectile dysfunction in men. But more important, exercise — especially vigorous exercise that stimulates our muscles — is critical to our libidos.

When we exercise, the stress on our muscles stimulates the hypothalamus to produce sex hormones, says King: “It stimulates an effect that goes through our pituitary to our adrenal glands to start building those precursors to testosterone, estrogen and progesterone.” Without that stimulation, our brains never get the signal that it’s time for lovin’.

The American Heart Association recommends at least 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week, 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity exercise or a combination of both, adding in resistance or weight training several days a week. But don’t overdo it; one study found that men who engage in intense endurance training for long periods of time had reduced libidos.

5. Sex-cessful couples avoid late-night sweets

Many of us enjoy a good after-dinner treat. But dessert is one thing — a midnight snack is something else.

“Eating sugar before bed causes insulin release and can temporarily suppress testosterone levels,” says Raevti Bole, M.D., a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Anyone who has felt a crash after a sugar high will understand this effect. “This can make you feel sluggish and sleepy, which can tamper with your arousal,” Bole adds. If you’re hungry before bed, opt for something less sugary, like a piece of fruit, crackers and cheese, or dark chocolate. Avoid processed treats, desserts and sugar-sweetened beverages in the hours leading up to bed.

6. Sex-cessful couples drink a lot

Not booze — water. Water makes up 75 percent of the total body weight of newborns, but as we age, that percentage drops; in older adults it can be 50 percent or lower. And that can impact our health and our sex lives.

Proper hydration is critical to the cardiovascular system, which is responsible for keeping nutrients and oxygen flowing throughout the body. Even mild dehydration can impact a man’s ability to achieve an erection, and for women, it can cause issues with vaginal lubrication and genital arousal, says Sheryl Kingsberg, division chief, Ob/Gyn Behavioral Medicine at the University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center and codirector of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at the UH Cleveland Medical Center.

Keep a water bottle nearby to sip on throughout the day; reduce your alcohol intake, as that can further dehydrate you; and incorporate water-rich fruits and vegetables into your meals and snacks.

7. Sex-cessful couples make their bed daily

Clutter can sneak up on you, causing stress that you might not even be aware of. One study found that cortisol levels in women with cluttered homes rose during the day and stayed high when the clutter remained; the effect was more powerful on women than on their partners.

“It is likely that this is related to the expectations that women will still be responsible for keeping the home presentable and the social approval inherent in having a lovely home,” says Bole. Chaos around us, she adds, “impacts our ability to concentrate and focus.” Another study that looked at the relationship between clutter and procrastination found that older adults with clutter problems tended to report a significant decrease in life satisfaction. Making your bed first thing in the morning gives you a sense of control that can help reduce the feeling of being a victim of chaos. Better yet, make it together.

Complete Article HERE!

I Used Sex Therapy Apps for Six Weeks

— And Can Confirm They’re a Relationship Game-Changer

Not to mention they helped me seriously start to unpack my sexual traumas and insecurities.

By

In no particular order, here’s a list of things I’d rather do than talk about sex: accidentally like a photo of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend from two years ago; play six straight hours of baby shower games; drink bath water (yes, even Jacob Elordi’s).

Though I love having sex, actually talking about it with my partner, friends, and even my therapist makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide. According to a 2023 survey from Durex, I’m not the only one: A third of the 2,000 adults surveyed reported that they feel uncomfortable talking about sex with their partners, and a fifth won’t bring up sex at all over the course of their relationships.

If these folks (myself included) get itchy having these conversations with the person who regularly sees them naked, chances are they’re probably not running out to have them with a professional, either—which is where sex therapy apps can help.

My first introduction to sex therapy apps came late one night while I was laying in bed after a not-so-great, highly-anxiety-provoking sexual experience with my long-term partner. It was a sort of a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation that made me realize that if I continued to ignore my sexual trauma—and the hangups that came along with it—it was never going to get better. What started with a few Google searches in the realm of “what is wrong with me” took me down a rabbit hole of resources I didn’t know existed. Fifteen minutes later, I downloaded my first sex therapy app, and was almost in tears as I realized that 1) I wasn’t alone in my experience, and 2) there might actually be a solution.

While most experts will tell you that working with an actual human therapist is the best way to address intimacy issues because they’re able to take a more personal approach, apps are a great plan B, especially if you can’t afford individual therapy. There are a number of different reasons why people find themselves in need of sex therapy—Kate Levine, LMHC, a Brooklyn-based sex therapist, names desire discrepancies, shame or embarrassment around sexual preferences, and trauma as some of the most common—and considering 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men will experience some sort of sexual dysfunction (which includes lack of desire) throughout their lifetime, according to The University of Texas Southwestern, any resource that makes navigating these things more accessible is decidedly a good thing.

“For a lot of folks, talking about sex with another human being can be very overwhelming—especially initially—and it might feel easier to engage with an app, where there’s a level of separation through the screen to allow them to get more comfortable,” says Nikita Fernandes, MHC-LP, a sex therapist who specializes in queer, poly, and POC couples. “I think these apps provide a more accessible way to check into or use certain resources at someone’s own pace and time and environment.”

To begin navigating my own issues around sex, I spent six weeks testing out some of the App Store’s most popular offerings. Here’s how it went and what I learned in the process.

Best Overall: Blueheart

Cost: $9.99/month

Pros: Solo and partnered work available, audio and written courses, stories from real couples, guided self-touch sessions, can link up with a partner’s account so you can do the work together.

Cons: Content largely focuses on cisgender sex and sexuality, no free option.

blueheart sex therapy app, blueheart sex therapy articles
BlueheartBlueheart’s helpful articles on sexual desire and arousal. 
blueheart sex therapy app
Blueheart

Blueheart was my first foray into sex apps—I downloaded it the night I realized I couldn’t “fix” my sexual issues on my own and immediately dove in.

The program starts with an assessment, which was built by psychologists and asks questions around five relationship pillars: Connection (i.e. how comfortable you are being yourself around your partner), Teamwork (how well you and your partner work through arguments), Sex and play (whether or not you feel attracted to and sexually fulfilled by your partner), Communication, and Values. From there, the app puts together a personalized program based on your needs.

The results of my assessment reaffirmed that I had significant anxiety around sex, which was impacting my libido levels, and informed me that I could benefit from learning new ways to communicate these things to my partner. The first part of my lesson plan was all about “re-sparking libido,” which consisted of 36 therapist-led audio sessions across five levels. The sessions ranged from five to 20 minutes, and each level included three guided self-touch sessions meant to help me learn how to get out of my head and focus on the pleasurable physical sensations that come with sex—which are more “guided meditation with some light nipple play” than audio erotica.

Level one began with exploring what desire is and how it works; level two was about managing stress and distractions during sex; level three focused on body image and performance anxiety; level four amped up those learnings with lessons on how to better connect to your body; and level five highlighted how to find pleasure. The final lesson, which is meant to be the last one you do on your own, teaches you how to talk about Blueheart with your partner so that you can work together moving forward.

In addition to the personalized lesson plan, Blueheart allows you to opt into other couple-friendly courses like “How To Talk About Money” and “Becoming a Better Team.” There are also a slew of expert-informed articles around body image, arousal, basic sex-ed, and more, plus stories from real couples who have found success with the program.

After spending years feeling like a freak because of my anxiety around sex, what I loved most about this app was how often it reassured me that it was totally normal—exactly what I needed to hear (especially from the soothing British woman’s voice Blueheart uses across its content). Every new session seemed to be building on the work I’d already done, which made me feel like I was making real progress. Additionally, the meditations helped me get in touch with my body, and I found myself coming back to the breathing exercises and sensory scans I learned during intimate experiences. After only two weeks of using Blueheart, I started to feel less stressed about sex, and now that I’ve finished my first full lesson, I’m excited to bring my partner into the fold to continue this work together.

Best for individuals looking to improve sexual function and desire: Rosy

Cost: $9.99/month-$74.99/month

Pros: Backed by licensed therapists and OBGYNs, offers coaching for queer and non-monogamous relationships, daily programs as short as five minutes, community-based conversation boards, live events, two virtual 30-minute coaching sessions a month with premium plan.

Cons: No free option, meant more for individual work than for couples.

rosy sexual therapy app
RosyRosy has a slew of content types to explore, from Religion to Mental Health.
rosy sex therapy app
RosyJust a few of Rosy’s audio erotica options.

Like Blueheart, Rosy’s sexual wellness program also begins with a quiz, but the questions are more related to your sex life over the course of the past month (think:”how often did you feel sexual desire?” and “how often did you reach climax when you had sexual stimulation?”). It also asked questions about birth control, pregnancy, and menopause (because hormones are so closely linked to sexual desire and performance), mental and gynecological health, and sexual trauma. All of this information creates your personalized wellness plan, which typically includes a daily lesson followed by a reflection in your in-app journal.

My journey started with the basics: A video in which two licensed psychotherapists explain in depth what sexual trauma actually is, which helped me better understand how these types of experiences can take different shapes. In addition to the daily tasks, the app also offers a series of “Quickies” videos where experts dive into common sexual concerns, like the orgasm gap and libido changes during menopause. Even better? It’s got an entire library of written and audio erotica (we’re talking hundreds of options), and a community discussion board where you can talk about what you’re going through with others who may be sharing the same experience.

I love how expert-led Rosy feels—certainly the closest to what I imagine IRL sex therapy feels like. The lessons gave me the opportunity to really understand how my sexual trauma was impacting me, as well as the tools I need to start overcoming it.

Best for couples looking to connect: Coral

Cost: $59.99/year

Pros: Designed for couples, one subscription includes two memberships (one for each partner), includes personalized therapy “journeys,” audio pleasure guides, games for couples, and sex tips. Free option offers limited access to some resources.

Cons: Not great for individuals looking to navigate sex and intimacy independently.

coral sex therapy app

coral sex therapy app
CoralCoral’s “Yes to Sex” sexual improv game.

Coral is designed for couples, which means that after a month of testing sex therapy apps on my own, it was time to tell my partner what I’d been up to—which was admittedly a lot less scary than it would have been prior to this experiment.

Like all of the other apps on this list, Coral opens with an assessment—but in this case, the questions focus more on your sex life as a couple rather than an individual. (A few examples, which are meant to be answered by both parties: Who initiates sex more often? Does your desire come on suddenly or gradually? Has your attraction to your partner grown or diminished over time?) Your answers will inform the “journeys” that the app recommends for you, which target your goals around things like communication, confidence, and pleasure within your relationship.

Based on the program’s assessment that my partner and I have different desire types, I got my own journeys, each consisting of both written and audio lessons meant to be worked through on your own. Beyond these structured solo paths, the app also offers a slew of “choose your own adventure”-type programs that you can do alone or with your S.O. There are audio guides for solo and partnered pleasure, games and activities couples can play together to help get in the mood (my personal favorite was “Yes to Sex,” a sexual improv game in which one partner says something like “I’d like to get naked tonight,” and the other keeps the conversation going by adding a “yes and” statement, like, “Yes, and, I’d like to give you a massage with essential oils.”), sex tips and how-to guides, and more.

Thanks to the confidence and comfort I started building using Blueheart and Rosy, I was genuinely excited to start working with my partner on Coral. Though many of the activities started off giggly and silly, they helped us have some real, honest conversations about sex—and for the first time in my life, I faced them head-on instead of sticking my fingers in my ears. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Dare I say it was kinda… fun?

Final Thoughts on Sex Therapy Apps

After six weeks of entrusting my sexual wellbeing to app-based therapy, I walked away with a better understanding of my sexuality and how to properly communicate my needs. It’s hard to pick a favorite among the three apps because each one is so different, but using them helped me realize that there are effective tools available, that I’m not alone, and that I don’t have to spend big money on an IRL sex therapist to work through my struggles—at least not for now.

Caring for your mental health is a highly personal endeavor, which is to say that what worked for me may not work for everyone. But all three of these apps will be staying on my phone—and in my life—for the long haul, because even though I’ve made strides, I’m still a work in progress. And if they can continue to make my sex life, and my attitude around it, even better? That’s well worth the monthly subscription fees, IMO.

Complete Article HERE!

Debunking Love Myths

— A New Look at Romance and Science

“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.”

 

Summary: A new study challenges popular romance myths, debunking the Five Love Languages with evidence-based research. The work, proposes a ‘balanced diet’ metaphor for expressing love, emphasizing the need for diverse and evolving expressions of affection in relationships.

The findings, including critiques of concepts like “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and the appeal of unplanned sex, underscore the importance of mutual satisfaction and novelty in maintaining desire.

The research calls into question widely held beliefs, advocating for a more nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics.

Key Facts:

  1. Amy Muise’s research contradicts the Five Love Languages, suggesting a need for multiple expressions of love rather than one primary language.
  2. Studies led by Muise found that both partners’ perceptions are equally important in a relationship, challenging the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” notion.
  3. Muise’s work emphasizes the importance of planned intimacy and novel experiences in enhancing relationship satisfaction and desire.

Source: York University

From the Five Love Languages to the concept of “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” popular culture is riddled with ideas of how sex and relationships are supposed to work, but does the science back these ideas up?

According to Faculty of Health Assistant Professor and Research Chair in Relationships and Sexuality Amy Muise, the answer is frequently no. 

Ahead of Valentine’s Day, Muise, also director of the Sexual Health and Relationship (SHaRe) Lab, can offer alternative theories that are supported by her research and other literature in the field.  

Muise’s latest research debunks the Five Love Languages, offers ‘balanced diet’ metaphor as alternative 

The Five Love Languages is the invention of Gary Chapman, a one-time Baptist minister who provided marital counselling to couples in his church and wrote a book based on his experiences.

The theory goes that each of us has a primary love language – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch – and problems arise in relationships when partners are speaking different languages.

Online dating sites encourage you to share your love language, 50 million people have taken the online test, and videos with the hashtag have half a billion views on TikTok – clearly, the concept has deeply ingrained itself in the popular imagination, but according to Muise’s latest review paper in collaboration with researchers from the University of Toronto, the theory doesn’t hold up. 

“His work is based on a very religious traditional sample of monogamous, heterosexual cisgendered couples and it is all anecdotal. We were pretty skeptical of the claims made so we decided to review the existing evidence, and his idea that we all have one primary love language really isn’t supported,” says Muise.

“His measure pits the love languages against each other, but in research studies when they’ve asked people to rate each of these expressions of love independently, people tend to rate them all highly.” 

Still, Muise sees why the concept has taken off. “It’s something people can really grab onto in straightforward way and communicate something about themselves to their partner. But we would suggest that love is not a language that you need to learn how to speak but it’s more akin to a nutritionally balanced diet, where partners need multiple expressions of love simultaneously, and that these needs can change over time as life and relationships evolve.” 

Other research Muise has done similarly questions pop psychology concepts, exposing flaws along the way: 

Happy Wife, Happy Life? 

Muise and a group of international collaborators looked into the idea that it is women’s perceptions that are the barometer for the relationships, carrying more weight than men’s. In two studies looking at mixed gender couples, one examining daily diaries and the other looking at annual reports over five years, they found instead that both partners conceptions of the relationship were equally important. 

“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.” 

Is unplanned sex hotter? 

Not necessarily, says Muise. In research done last year with a York graduate student, Muise found that while many people endorsed the ideal of spontaneous sex, the researchers did not find evidence that people’s actual experience of sex was more enjoyable when not planned. If you are planning on sex this Valentine’s Day, Muise advises it might work out better to plan to have it before a big meal. 

Is too much closeness bad for sexual relationships? 

“In the research, we find couples who grow closer have more desire for each other, but we argue that what’s also needed for desire is otherness or distinctiveness,” she says. 

“It’s important to bring new things into the relationship, find ways to see a partner in a new light. Novel experiences have been shown to increase desire in long-term relationships, so when making plans for Valentine’s day, doing something together that’s broadening or expanding can increase desire.” 

About this psychology and relationships research news

Author: Emina Gamulin
Source: York University
Contact: Emina Gamulin – York University
Image: The image is credited to Neuroscience News

Original Research: Open access.
Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective” by Amy Muise et al. Current Directions in Psychological Science


Abstract

Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective

The public has something of an obsession with love languages, believing that the key to lasting love is for partners to express love in each other’s preferred language.

Despite the popularity of Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, there is a paucity of empirical work on love languages, and collectively, it does not provide strong empirical support for the book’s three central assumptions that (a) each person has a preferred love language, (b) there are five love languages, and (c) couples are more satisfied when partners speak one another’s preferred language.

We discuss potential reasons for the popularity of the love languages, including the fact that it enables people to identify important relationship needs, provides an intuitive metaphor that resonates with people, and offers a straightforward way to improve relationships.

We offer an alternative metaphor that we believe more accurately reflects a large body of empirical research on relationships: Love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love.

 

Let’s Talk About Sex

— The Science, the Script, the Human Right

Why do we do ’it,’ fundamentally—have sex? Sex researchers, locally and abroad, are trying to drive home that it’s about a basic human right: pleasure.

By and

Elbow-to-elbow, Minnesotans are filling up a large side room in Fulton Brewery on a Tuesday night to listen to three experts talk about sex.

Drifting through the crowd, eyeballing the room for an unclaimed seat, one could feel awkward retreating to the bar, straining to hear the three Ph.D.s as they peppered the hour-long sex talk with research- and experience-backed wisdom: about how a low libido isn’t necessarily a problem if it doesn’t bother you, about how sex doesn’t need to involve penetration, about the false idea that heterosexual women have a smaller sexual appetite than men.

“Who ordered food?” University of Minnesota sex researcher Dr. Kristen Mark asked as a hot little sandwich emerged from the kitchen. Some giggled.

The vibe at November’s “Sex Science Happy Hour” felt progressive, even perky.

Stacked on a table beside Mark were copies of “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.” Mark described the book, released in August, as radical for its wide parameters around sex: not just between heterosexual, cisgender men and women, and not only within “normative” relationship structures.

She and the co-authors of “Desire”—Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, who owns a private practice in Minneapolis, and Dr. Jennifer Vencill, of Mayo Clinic in Rochester—made the happy hour feel as though we were delicately cracking through a layer of widely agreed-upon silence. The topic was unevenness, when one partner wants more sex. Such a discrepancy is a given, they agreed. It’s a feature, not a bug. When the bimonthly forum reconvenes in March—again with Mark, again at a brewery—the topic will be masturbation. (You can sign up and find more information here.)

Is it awkward? Attendance seems to declare, “I have sex! Or want to!” Which is generally unsurprising yet somehow close to taboo. It’s refreshing, too, because aren’t we all, culturally and societally, over that puritanical type of embarrassment? Perhaps. Perhaps not really.

“I know how interested the public is in sexual and gender science,” Mark says, explaining by email her inspiration for launching the happy hours. In September 2021, the first featured well-known sex columnist Dan Savage at St. Paul’s BlackStack brewery. “I also know how inaccessible accurate information about sexual health can be to the public and how difficult it is for some people to talk about it in a comfortable way.”

The past few years, reports have been flying that Americans—especially young Americans—aren’t having as much sex. The so-called “sex recession” may amount to “one-time reactions to all the upheavals of the past few years,” suggests the Institute for Family Studies. The year of 2020 was, after all, unprecedented. In 2021’s General Social Survey, which polls American adults, 26% of respondents said they had not had sex in the past 12 months, which figured into a pattern of decline: In 2010, 21% of respondents had not had sex in the last year. In 2000, that number was closer to 18%. In 2022, we saw a slight rebound. Still, Americans seem to be having less sex than they were when the survey started three decades ago. (The survey has its limits, as pointed out in a 2020 study published through the American Medical Association. It’s subject to “response and reporting bias,” for instance, and with “sexual activity” left undefined, respondents had to interpret what counted.)

Why the dip? Researchers have flagged many reasons. Millennials and Gen Z are getting into relationships later, and living single may mean less sex. There are also digital distractions thanks to social media.

Sex will never not be a hot topic. And with reports of a modern-day “loneliness” epidemic, the media has, in some cases, treated the decline in reported sex with concern. Sex, after all, comes with a range of benefits. In the context of relationships, the experts at the Fulton event, on the other hand, framed frequency of sexual activity in neutral terms. On the individual level, not having sex does not have to raise any alarms, they said. Nothing is wrong if nothing is wrong.

Illustration by Lisa Seitz

Presenting these Sex Science Happy Hours is the University of Minnesota’s Eli Coleman Institute for Sexual and Gender Health. Minnesotans may not realize the institute is a big deal in sex research. “It’s world-renowned,” says Mark, who is director of education at the institute. Maybe because of Minnesotans’ humble nature, she says, “people here don’t know we exist. We have this amazing institution. I’ve always been aware of this place that is so well-known nationally and internationally but not locally.” Readers likely know the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University for its headline-grabbing decades of sex research, but the U of M’s institute is equally prestigious and a rising star in gender studies and clinical access.

Bringing some of that reputation to the community, Mark modeled the happy hours after other casual, educational hangouts—Suds n’ Science, Brainy Brews. “Breweries are notorious for having a laid-back atmosphere. That’s what is most important about this.” 

At one point, an attendee took the mic to ask about consensual non-monogamy. With partners openly dating multiple people, what happens when a newcomer begins to enjoy a “honeymoon” phase and starts soaking up the sexual attention? (One answer: Those who have been in the relationships longer can learn to cultivate “responsive” desire, as opposed to “spontaneous.”) Other audience questions came up anonymously, on notecards.

Some takeaways from that night:

  • Assuming a common “sexual staircase” exists, along which everybody moves up the same graduating levels of intimacy—with penetration, perhaps, inevitably at the top—may trip up the many who “have a different pathway to pleasure.” 
  • In relationships, libidos will likely never match. The notion that one partner—typically the one with a lower sex drive—needs “fixing” or is “the problem” isn’t fair.
  • Whereas “spontaneous” desire stirs up seemingly at random, “responsive” desire depends more on stimuli and context. Sometimes we exemplify one more than the other.
  • A study released last year found women’s desire appeared to have more ups and downs throughout their lives, but men and women have similar desire fluctuations throughout the week. So, the notion that women generally have lower sex drives than men? It doesn’t hold up.
  • Research has shown that some approaching retirement are having the most satisfying sex of their lives. Hormones are not the end-all, be-all.

Ultimately, sex is personal. Within the bounds of consent, you are your own authority on what feels good. But for those who have felt stifled by dominant “scripts”—which may reduce sex to what’s seen in the media, or what’s described by parents and friends—there can be liberation in taking sexual pleasure as a fundamental right.

Illustration by Lisa Seitz

The Right to Sexual Pleasure

Why do we do “it,” fundamentally—have sex? Because it feels good.

Sex reduces pain, relieves stress, improves sleep, lowers blood pressure, and strengthens heart health, according to multiple medically reviewed studies. And it’s enjoyable.

“That’s what it comes down to: Sex gives us pleasure,” Mark says.

This sex-positive focus is emerging as a popular way to think about the universal and natural act. Instead of focusing on pregnancy prevention, consensual concerns, and other “negatives” around sex, researchers and others are working to recognize and enhance the benefits.

Mark and her colleagues say sexual pleasure is so important that it should be considered a human right, something along the lines of the right to a fair trial, free speech, and freedom from torture.

Pleasure is a fundamental part of sexual response, which happens in four phases and is called the “sexual cycle,” as coined in 1966 by researchers at the Kinsey Institute.

The first phase is excitement. The second is a continuation and intensity of first-phase changes—a faster heartbeat, heavier breathing, increased blood flow to sexual organs. Phase three is the orgasm stage, a series of intense muscle contractions. Then breathing calms, the sexual organs return to their original size and color, and resolution is reached.

This linear, four-stage model revolutionized sexual research for decades, but since then, “we’ve learned much more,” Mark says. In fact, the four-phase order is not always accurate: Not every sex act leads to orgasm, some people have sex without feeling any excitement, and others have multiple orgasms in a row and don’t reach resolution.

Sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan added the concept of “desire” to the cycle in the late 1970s, arguing that humans need to be “in the mood” to get aroused and have an orgasm. She also emphasized the potential emotional impact of sex.

About two decades ago, during the rise of post-modern and non-linear thinking, sex researcher Rosemary Basson introduced the circular sexual response model. She posited that humans have sex for multiple reasons, not just excitement.

As the research on human sexuality continues to expand to include gender norms and societal perceptions, Dr. Annelise Swigert, an obstetrician and gynecologist at Southdale ObGyn, adds that good sex needs to involve feelings of safety—and, obviously, consent. For instance, maybe contraceptives free you from worry about pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

“You should be able to enjoy sex, however you define ‘pleasurable,’” Swigert says. She adds, “Sex should not be painful.” That’s a concern many menopausal and post-menopausal women have.

By reframing sexual pleasure as a human right, Mark says, her work as a sex educator becomes about creating a common ground. “There’s an assumption that when you say, ‘sex education,’ you’re teaching kids how to have sex. That’s not it at all. Actually, we see strong support for sex education that focuses on pleasure”—whether that means self-stimulation, oral sex, vaginal sex, or some other method. “It’s doing a good job with community building. When educators learn about the pleasure, they usually buy in.”

She adds, “There has been so little funding poured into understanding the physiology of human sexual pleasure—another issue that is totally related to people’s lack of comfort talking about it or seeing it as important—but that is changing.”

And that’s something else we feel good about.

Illustration by Lisa Seitz

Sex Survey Results

According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior:

  • Men and women both were likely to report sexual satisfaction if they also reported frequent kissing and cuddling, sexual caressing by the partner, higher sexual functioning, and if they had sex more frequently. On the other hand, for men, having had more sex partners in their lifetime was a predictor of less sexual satisfaction.
  • Frequent kissing or cuddling predicted happiness in the relationship for men but not for women. Both men and women reported more happiness the longer they had been together.
  • Over 50% of respondents ages 18-24 indicated that their most recent sexual partner was a casual or dating partner. For all other age groups, the majority of study participants indicated that their most recent sexual partner was a relationship partner.
  • 28% of Americans over age 45 report they had sexual intercourse once a week or more in the last six months, and 40% report having intercourse at least once a month. More than one in five Americans over age 45 (22%) say they engage in self-stimulation at least once a week.
  • For women aged 50 and older, older age is related to a decline in all sexual behaviors: 5% per year of age for penile-vaginal intercourse; 7% per year of age receiving or giving oral sex.
  • About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event.
  • Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse; women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included.
  • Women are much more likely to be nearly always or always orgasmic when alone than with a partner. However, among women currently in a partnered relationship, 62% say they are very satisfied with the frequency/consistency of orgasm.

A note about the survey: The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) is the largest nationally representative probability survey focused on understanding sex in the United States. It is an ongoing multi-wave study with data collected in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2018. More than 20,000 people between the ages of 14 and 102 have participated in the NSSHB.

Complete Article HERE!

She’s Not Celibate

— She’s ‘Boysober’

Hope Woodard, a comedian and influencer, at Purgatory, a club in Brooklyn. Her decision to take a long break from romantic relationships has drawn an enthusiastic reaction from her fans.

The comedian Hope Woodard is spreading the word about her yearlong break from sex and dating. One fan calls it “this year’s hottest mental health craze.”

By Marisa Charpentier

A flock of mostly 20-somethings gathered on Tuesday night in a chapel-like building in Brooklyn to hear about a subject that has been a hot topic in religious spaces for centuries: celibacy.

Except no one was using that term. Instead, they were calling it “boysober.”

“I hate the word celibacy,” said the host of the event, Hope Woodard, a comedian and storyteller who grew up in the Church of Christ in rural Tennessee.

Ms. Woodard, who lives in Brooklyn, described herself as sex-positive — and sometimes wears a button that says “I heart female orgasms” to prove it. But after taking inventory of her dating life in October, and realizing that she had been in a relationship of some kind since kindergarten, she decided to take a year away from sex and dating.

With nearly half a million followers across TikTok and Instagram, Ms. Woodard, 27, started using the term “boysober” at the start of her journey. Now she is describing the experience in a monthly storytelling and comedy show, called “Boysober,” at Purgatory, an entertainment venue in Brooklyn’s Bushwick neighborhood that was once an administrative building of the Evergreens Cemetery.

At the first sold-out show, the approximately 100 attendees filled the seats and crowded around the small stage. Before introducing the lineup of comics, Ms. Woodard explained that she intended “boysober” as an all-encompassing term, one that meant abstaining from romantic relationships with people of any gender.

An audience comprising young women, some sitting, some standing, in a small club.
Audience members at Ms. Woodard’s recent “Boysober” show.

The audience of mostly women and nonbinary people often burst into knowing laughter as the comedians told stories about inconsiderate partners who had left pubic hairs on the toilet seat; offered an unrefrigerated cheese stick from their back pocket; and invited a different woman to a Halloween party they had planned on going to together.

During her time at the mic, Ms. Woodard described moments when she was the villain of her own dating story — times when she had led someone on, or had allowed herself to be treated poorly because she wanted attention.

A highlight was her story about going back to Tennessee and spending time with her grandmother, who has dementia. During the visit, she noticed that her grandmother kept sending texts to her ex — that is, Ms. Woodard’s grandfather — and grew angry when he didn’t reply. The thing is, her grandfather is dead.

“I’m like, ‘Mimi, you are going to be left “on read” till your grave!’” Ms. Woodard told the crowd, using a term for a text not responded to.

And yet, she recognized herself in that moment.

“Do you ever see your mom or your grandma doing something and you’re like, ‘that’s messed up’” — Ms. Woodard used a stronger word — “but then you’re like, ‘I know I’ve got that inside of me’?”

Ms. Woodard, wearing red tights, stands at the microphone onstage before a small audience.
Ms. Woodard’s stories of sex and dating included one about her grandmother’s texting habits.

A big part of the yearlong break from sex and romance is unlearning the unhealthy relationship patterns that often get passed down from generation to generation. “Maybe we are one of the first generations of women where we don’t actually have to plug into a man for, like, energy and power and whatever,” Ms. Woodard said.

Eliza Wright, an events planner from Brooklyn who was in the audience, said she knew what it was like to take a break from men. After a few bad sexual experiences in college, she stopped having sex for a couple years, and in that time she realized she wasn’t attracted to men at all, she said. She then fell in love with her longtime best friend Jess. The two are now married.

Ms. Wright, 25, pointed to the pressure on women to earn male attention. “When that dissolves,” she said, “there’s a whole new world that opens.”

Ms. Woodard said that, growing up in the South, she was raised to please others. Now, she said, she sometimes struggles with knowing what she wants. At its core, her “boysober” year is about learning how to say no.

“I’m a little bit angry at myself and angry at all the sex that I’ve had that I feel like I didn’t choose,” she said. “For the first time ever, I just feel like I have ownership over my body.”

Catie Kobland, 24, a nanny and graduate student in Manhattan who attended the event, said that she and her friends “go celibate” every so often.

“When you get out of a relationship, or you have a really bad situationship and dating or seeing people is tainted, and you want to rinse it from your mouth, I feel like the best way to do it is celibacy,” Ms. Kobland said. “It’s this year’s hottest mental health craze.”

Complete Article HERE!

When my partner was in the hospital, I missed his ex.

— Polyamory has only made my family stronger.

Alex Alberto (not pictured) says that through polyamory, their family has become more resilient.

By

  • Alex Alberto (they/them) is a queer and polyamorous storyteller who lives in Upstate New York.
  • The following is an adapted excerpt from their memoir “Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home,” which is available for preorder (out February 19).
  • “Entwined” tells the story of Alberto’s decade-long polyamorous journey toward a new kind of family.

My partner entered the hospital room in a blue gown, his clothes stuffed in a clear plastic bag.

“You left the back untied!” I said, with a forced chuckle.

“Oh, they see hairy butts all day long,” Don replied. “Plus, most of their patients aren’t as sexy as me…”

Standing in the doorway, he pulled his gown up and lifted his thigh, toes seductively pointed on the floor. I rose from the chair, smiled, and snapped a picture of him. I knew he was trying to set a mood that meant this wasn’t a big deal. In the five years we’d been together, I’d pictured him dying or falling seriously ill hundreds, maybe thousands of times.

The author's partner, Don, while in the hospital.
The author’s partner, Don, while in the hospital.

I’ve always been worried that something would happen to Don

I’d always imagined it would be around his 51st birthday, the age my father was when he had a stroke that left him paralyzed and unable to speak. I’d had intrusive thoughts about all my loved ones suddenly dying or getting sick ever since. Every time I’d voice my fears, Don patiently held me and said he’d live healthily for a very, very long time. But here he was, at 40, about to undergo heart surgery.

While Don was in the operating room, I sat on the blue vinyl chair in his office, grateful that his research center was in the hospital and that I had a quiet place to cry. I had a pile of memoirs and hours of crime podcasts saved on my phone.

“The procedure can take anywhere between three and 10 hours,” a nurse had told us, shaking her head. I looked at the books at my feet and didn’t pick any up. I turned the fluorescent light on, and turned it off. I looked at the psychology diplomas behind his desk. He had finally gotten them framed, 10 years after his last graduation. I sat on the floor and leaned on his desk.

The author and their partner, Don. They are sitting in the passenger seat of a car while Don is driving.
The author and their partner, Don.

During his surgery, I considered reaching out to his ex

I thought of calling Bridget, Don’s ex. Don met Bridget a year into our relationship; they’d dated for three years. Bridget broke up with him the summer before. He was over her, but I still missed her. She and I texted here and there, but it seemed inappropriate to call now.

Before Bridget, I’d never felt the power of a metamour bond — the bond with my partner’s partner. Don had a few girlfriends who were around for a few months, but we never clicked. One had a high-pitched, nasal voice that scratched my insides, another answered all my questions with a single word. But Bridget was present in conversation, and, like me, initiated her journey into polyamory while single. “Monogamy was a coat that never fit quite right,” she’d told me. She was a kindred spirit. I felt seen.

The success rate of Don’s procedure was high, so my rational brain trusted everything would be fine, and that his arrhythmia would disappear. But I also imagined sitting in a waiting room alone 10, 20 years down the road, a doctor telling me they couldn’t save him. That anticipated grief cinched my insides.

I then imagined that Bridget was part of that hypothetical future. I pictured us holding each other while crying, reminiscing about Don’s quirks: his bedside table full of protein bar wrappers that he ate in the middle of the night, how he mindlessly wiggled his thumb above his phone when he was reading the news, the way he kissed us both on the back of the neck. Sharing the pain of losing a partner made the possibility of it seem bearable.

Through polyamory, I’ve made connections beyond my own partners

When I began my journey into non-monogamy, I was focused on the freedom of developing romantic and sexual intimacy with multiple people. But in my relationship with Bridget, I realized metamours could become core members of my family.

Don’s surgery went well, but I couldn’t shake the creeping worry that I had become too reliant on him. That my identity and well-being were primarily tied to him. While I’d had other committed partners since meeting him, those relationships had ended. But I didn’t expect that Bridget breaking up with Don could also break my heart.

Polyamory has shown me a way to expand my family and make it more resilient. My life experience has made me acutely aware and sensitive to the vulnerability of the nuclear family. My half-sister’s father drowned when she was 11. My uncle was a trucker and died in an accident when he was in his early 30s. Both my grandfathers died of heart attacks in their early 60s. My father had his stroke well before his retirement age. When I think of a resilient future, it necessitates having multiple life partners. I need to know my stool won’t get knocked over if one leg breaks.

Complete Article HERE!

How Will I Know If I’ve Found True Love?

— Lasting connection and intimacy take work

By Julia Childs Heyl, MSW

The desire for love is universal. It’s rare to encounter a human being who has never yearned for true love, but what does the term even mean?

>We associate “true love” with fairytales and Disney, or with extravagant weddings and romantic films about couples overcoming adversity together and building a beautiful life together.

The concept of true love is even puzzling to researchers, with academic literature indicating love is an experience that boils down to a collection of emotions that further our ability to survive.

While there certainly is truth in this, from the drive to reproduce to the intense attachment that can provide support during the end of our lives, deep love can be hard to spot.1

It isn’t uncommon to wonder if you’ve found true love, or if the love you once thought was your end game is fading, and if true love even lasts. We’ve got you. This article will help you spot and learn how to nurture deep, secure, love in—hopefully—its truest form.

Characteristics of True Love

To learn how to identify true love, it’s important to understand the characteristics of it. A key component of true love is an unwavering sense of mutually feeling respected and valued. Speaking poorly of each other and breaking the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship exist as the antithesis of these traits.

Lauren Consul, LMFT

Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.
— Lauren Consul, LMFT

Unconditional acceptance and support are also key to true love. The same way you don’t speak poorly of each other, it is also important that you accept and support one another in the best and worst of times. This doesn’t mean that you evade difficult truths. In true love, you can trust that you can be honest. Furthermore, you can trust that your partner is honest with you.

But, true love isn’t only about respect, values, and boundaries. There are also enchanting elements that keep you in the relationship when times feel tough.

To dig deeper into the magic, we talked to licensed marriage and family therapist Lauren Consul, “Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.” This is a key point to remember—true love isn’t the end of a book. It’s the process of writing an evolving story. “It involves experiencing a sense of safety, assurance, and significance in the eyes of your partner,” she continued. This type of connection helps develop a deep emotional bond and intimacy.

How does true love feel?

When it comes to the concept of love, it isn’t uncommon to hear people say you’ll just know. There’s good reason for this. An element of love is unspeakable, it is a feeling above all. “It goes beyond merely being heard; it’s about feeling that your words hold importance for your partner,” shares Consul. This feeling indicates emotional connection, trust, and vulnerability.

True love feels less like adrenaline and more like the sense of calm you’re left with after receiving a much-needed hug. It doesn’t leave you with questions or mixed-up emotions and feels authentic in a deeper way than what many of us have experienced.

However, things can get tricky. You can have a deep love for someone and also no longer wish to continue in a relationship with them. Though this may seem contradictory, such a predicament isn’t an indicator of a lack of depth, “True love doesn’t conquer all…it coexists with external circumstances that may end the relationship journey, but does not end the love,” says Consul.<

Similarly, she shares that someone can also love another but be unable to truly express that love because they have yet to do important internal work. Alas, this is when we end up in the unfortunate predicament of emotional unavailability. Yet, in a secure loving relationship, both parties are dedicated to doing the work to ensure they are available for the sweetness a relationship can bring.

How do I find it?

Dating to find true love can be a daunting task in a world where many people are just looking for casual connections. However, with some persistence, focus, and self-work, it is possible to not only find your match but to enjoy the journey along the way.

“With dating, a crucial aspect is self-awareness. That means understanding both your positive attributes and the baggage you carry,” explains Consul. She continued by acknowledging that while it is important to honor your strengths and deservingness of a great relationship, it is more critical that you’re aware of your baggage, generational patterns, trauma, and triggers. Once you have cultivated that awareness, you can do the deep self-work required to ensure you can show up to a romantic relationship with emotional availability and patience.

As for the logistics of dating? Somatic psychotherapist, coach, and mindfulness teacher Francesca Maximé gave us her thoughts: “Dating apps are always going to be an option, but try to meet people in real life.”

She suggests volunteering, joining a sports league, or taking a class as options. She continued by explaining that getting to know someone through a shared interest can take the pressure off of the early days of dating.

Maintaining True Love

So, you’ve found the love. How do you keep it? According to Consul, the bedrock of a thriving, long-term relationship lies in sustained curiosity. Curiosity helps avoid assumptions, which in turn avoids judgment while fostering intimacy and solutions.

Beyond curiosity is effective communication. Research shows that the way a couple navigates conflict is directly indicative of the quality of the relationship.2 Conflict isn’t bad for a relationship and is a great way couples can learn how to navigate challenges together.

“Frequently, we fall into the trap of making assumptions because we believe we know our partner inside out. However, this can gradually erode a relationship, leading to disconnection.” You can cultivate a sense of curiosity by continually asking questions. It can be as simple as, “What is your favorite food right now?” Or, “What is something new you’ve learned lately?” Though these questions may seem elementary, you’ll be surprised at what conversations they can open up.

Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapist

True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,.
— Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapist

Another tool to tap into is the Gottman Institute’s Card Deck app. The Gottman Institute, founded by the creators of the Gottman Method Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is committed to providing research-based therapy and support to couples around the world. Their Card Deck app utilizes a series of open-ended questions and activities that are designed to increase emotional connection, understanding, and intimacy.

If you’re noticing things are feeling particularly rocky within your relationship, consider seeking out therapy. Couples therapy is an excellent tool that can help you streamline your communication, physical connection, and emotional understanding of one another. If you’re not sure where to begin, Inclusive Therapists is an excellent therapist directory where you can search for therapists based on identity, modality, location, fee, and more.

Keep in Mind

While true love takes work, your fruits of labor will be well worth it. “True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,” explains Maximé.

If you’ve found it, trust that you can sustain it. If you’re looking for it, trust it is waiting for you.

Complete Article HERE!

Forget “the spark”

— The truth about long-term relationships and sex

By Carly Mallenbaum

Unless you’re talking about a campfire or stove, it’s time to stop worrying about “keeping the spark alive.”

Why it matters: Although pop culture and well-meaning friends may have told you that maintaining a “spark” is important for sustaining long-term romantic relationships, sex educator Emily Nagoski says that thinking is misguided.

Driving the news: Nagoski, who has bestsellers on women’s sexuality and burnout, today released “Come Together,” a science-backed book on intimacy in long-term marriages and partnerships.

  • She was inspired to write the book after experiencing a sexual lull with her husband, which many couples can relate to: In our high-stress lives, it’s normal to take breaks from sex.

Research and data on couples who have lasting sexual connections suggests that success has much more to do with friendship and prioritizing pleasure (and not spontaneous desire).

Some of Nagoski’s myth-busting tips about sexual connection:

Don’t worry about the “spark” and being in the mood all the time, Nagoski says.

  • Hyperfocusing on that could actually make you less open to intimacy.
  • Instead, successful couples like and admire each other, and believe they’re worth the effort of prioritizing intimacy.

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex with your partner. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong.

  • In fact, Nagoski says the contrary is true.
  • “The couples who have great long term sexual connections talk about sex all the time, the same way you talk about any hobby. [That’s] the way you make it great,” she says.
  • And note that a dry spell isn’t a dysfunction or sign that your relationship lacks love, Nagoski says, but it could be an indication that it’s time to assess what aspects of your life are hitting what she calls the sexual “brakes.”

Be open to planning intimacy.

  • It’s a misconception that scheduling sex means you don’t want it enough, Nagoski says.
  • “Our lives are complicated. My calendar is packed. If I didn’t put sex on the calendar, it would not happen, as it takes deliberately protecting space, time and energy to engage in this behavior,” she says.

Stop worrying about what other people are doing.

  • Nagoski refuses to answer the question, “How much sex does the average couple have?” — because “it’s impossible to hear the number and not judge yourself against it.” Plus, that doesn’t mean the sex is enjoyable, which is a much better measure of a healthy sex life.
  • But more to the point, she says: “What matters is whether or not you like the sex you are having.”
  • Instead of stressing over frequency, it’s better to focus on the context of when sex is desirable for you and your partner — there’s a good chance you may require different ways into a lusty mood, which Nagoski explains in her book.

Bottom line: In a long-term sexual relationship, what matters is that you trust each other, decide that sex is important, and prioritize the needs of your unique relationship, Nagoski says.

Complete Article HERE!

3 Questions To Expect When Going ‘Open’ With Your Relationship

By Mark Travers

Consensual non-monogamy refers to a relationship structure in which all parties involved agree to engage in romantic, sexual or otherwise intimate relationships with multiple partners with the complete knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It encompasses various forms of non-monogamous arrangements, including but not limited to:

  • Polyamory. Having multiple, concurrent romantic and/or sexual relationships.
  • Open relationships. Sexual relationships with others outside of the primary partnership, while maintaining emotional commitment to each other.
  • Swinging. Romantically exclusive partners seek out shared sexual experiences with other individuals or couples. For instance, they may swap sexual partners with another couple.

Research shows that consensually non-monogamous relationships have similar levels of relationship quality and well-being as compared to monogamous relationships and it is natural to think about exploring them. However, there is still a significant amount of stigma and trepidation around entering such relationships. While bringing it up with a monogamous or long-term partner, you may encounter apprehension on their end or even have some questions about the process yourself.

Here are three common questions or fears that arise when considering consensual non-monogamy and how to navigate them.

1. Is Something Missing In Our Relationship?

Entering a non-monogamous relationship can bring up the question of whether there is something missing in the relationship, or even in oneself, and create uncertainty about a partner’s motivation for wanting to try a new arrangement.

However, it is possible to practice non-monogamy while still being in healthy and loving partnerships and the fundamental principle of this arrangement is that all parties involved are aware of the nature of the relationship, have given informed consent and willingly participate in it.

A 2022 survey revealed that two-thirds of Americans report fantasizing about having sex with other people and a third of partnered Americans would ideally like a certain degree of openness in their relationship as long as their primary relationship wouldn’t be compromised, highlighting that this desire is more common than we think.

Research shows that desiring consensual non-monogamy does not necessarily signal relationship problems and could instead be related to pursuing individual and relational well-being, exploring one’s sexuality or sexual fantasies, seeking personal growth, autonomy and novel experiences. Sex researcher Zhana Vrangalova of New York University explains that the human needs for security and companionship can co-exist with the need for novelty, exploration and experience-seeking, rather than competing with them.

Reflecting on your motivation to explore consensual non-monogamy and communicating it clearly to your partner, along with creating an agreement of boundaries, levels of disclosure about other partners, regular relationship check-ins and mutual relationship goals can create an arrangement that is comfortable and reaffirming for all parties.

2. What Will People Think Of Us?

The fear of being ostracized by others is not unfounded, as consensual non-monogamists might be perceived as promiscuous, making excuses for infidelity, less satisfied in their relationships or immoral.

Research shows that consensual non-monogamists often experience erasure of their identity and have to engage in disproportionate emotional labor to be understood in interpersonal relationships. A 2022 study further highlighted the expressions of disapproval, loss of resources, threatening behaviors, character devaluation and relationship devaluation they face.

Additionally, the external stigma and societal idealization of monogamy can become internalized and multi-partnered individuals consequently struggle with feeling that their desires are unnatural and experience psychological distress.

Researchers suggest that unlearning internalized bias, selectively disclosing relationship configurations in safe spaces and seeking support from peers and allies are all important coping tools to navigate this stigma.

3. Will This Change Our Relationship?

The anticipation of drama, jealousy and relationship conflicts deter people from considering consensual non-monogamy even if they are inclined to it. A 2022 study found that those who are more apprehensive about non-monogamy display more “zero-sum thinking” about relationships, referring to the notion that one person’s gain comes at another’s expense. These beliefs lead to viewing non-monogamy as diminishing resources within the primary relationship, such as time, financial support and sexual access to each other.

A 2020 study found that consensual non-monogamists could experience greater sexual satisfaction, especially with a defined and mutually agreed upon goal to address their sexual incompatibilities, without affecting individual life satisfaction or relationship quality with their primary partner.

Vrangalova suggests taking baby steps toward non-monogamy when you are starting out and talking about sexual fantasies rather than shying away from them. “Opening up” the relationship also does not have to physically involve another person.

“You can invite what I like to call the ‘shadow of the third’ into your relationship through shared fantasies, conversations, shared porn consumption, going to ‘play parties’ but maybe to watch and trying out apps that specialize in non-monogamous connections,” suggests Vrangalova.

It is essential to remember that your relationship dynamic is completely up to the two of you and you can set the ground rules together. An honest, open dialogue to address concerns, feelings and needs can help create the experience you both desire.

Complete Article HERE!

Benign Variation

— They used to ask much different sex advice questions in the ’90s.

By Rich Juzwiak

Ah, the early ’90s: a simpler time. It was before reality TV revolutionized the entitlement of the masses who want to get attention and money for just … existing, before 9/11 and the safety theater of the TSA, before presidential candidates in the U.S. could run on an explicit platform of ending democracy. And it was a time when “What is a butt plug?” was a common question to write into a sex-advice column.

At least that’s how Dan Savage broke down a key difference between writing his advice column then and now during a recent phone conservation from his home in Seattle. “Butt plugs have a wiki page now—I don’t have to explain butt plugs anymore,” said the writer and podcaster, whose Savage Love advice column began publishing in 1991. Now everything is about “situational ethics,” he said, as people’s conception of sex has expanded through the years, thanks in no small part to Savage himself. “And those columns are harder to write—and easier to fuck up.”

“In the mid-’90s, I would say, ‘I write a sex advice column,’ and professors, journalists, researchers wouldn’t want to play in that sandbox because it was so demeaning,” Savage recalled. He said that’s much different now, as I can also attest as the co-author of Slate’s sex advice column, How to Do It. Another change: He said he receives far fewer gay-panic-related questions now than he did when he started, as well as fewer questions that ask in so many words, “Am I normal?” That’s a question, he said, he “worked hard to make go extinct.” There was also the rise of porn tube sites in the mid-aughts, which Savage credits to expanding understanding of the range of sexual practices out there (or, as queer theorist Gayle Rubin put it, “benign sexual variation”). As a result, “you just couldn’t be in denial anymore about how infinitely varied and subjective desire, arousal, turn-ons, kinks—all of that—was, and there’s just this collective shrug where everybody went, ‘We’re all freaks,’” Savage said.

The sex-advice column is a working example of how culture operates as a feedback loop, which is informed by the same public it goes on to inform. In Confidential to America: Newspaper Advice Columns and Sexual Education, David Gudelunas writes that “the primary function of an advice columnist is not to dispense interpersonal advice to writers but rather to serve as a cultural benchmark that both identifies and helps to shift social norms pertaining to human sexuality.” The focus of Gudelunas’ book is “Dear Abby” and “Ask Ann Landers,” so he argues that this role has existed for well over half a century. Writer Tristan Taormino, who said her diaristic Village Voice column Pucker Up (which ran from 1998 to 2008) was a direct result of the paper’s aim to expand upon Savage’s early success, pointed to the term “pegging,” which Savage coined via a 2001 reader contest. “And all of a sudden, ‘pegging’ is in all the advice columns,” she said. “I feel like the audience got savvier.” Taormino has watched the discursive profile of anal sex in general grow over the years. “When my book [The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women] first came out in 1998, people did not want to talk about it. And now, quite literally, there are anal sex columns in Teen Vogue,” she said.

Taormino wrote her own advice column, The Anal Advisor, in the Hustler offshoot Taboo from 1999 to 2014. These days a lot of her advice-giving takes place when she speaks on college campuses; she said she’s seen an increase in questions about BDSM but also a consistency in subject matter over the years. “There’s a through line of basic questions, which haven’t changed since the late ’90s. And that comes out of abstinence-only sex ed,” she said. “Once they get to college, all of a sudden they have the opportunity to ask these questions.”

Audience savviness—or lack thereof—has long been a guiding force of advice columns, and not just for how it has complicated questions. In Newspaper Confessions: A History of Advice Columns in a Pre-Internet Age, Julia Golia writes of the communities that formed around newspaper advice columns of old, like The Detroit News’ Experience, which regularly featured reader input on questions, resulting in an “anonymous community in a mass-media form to ask for guidance, but also to be heard and valued.” As Golia told me, “That traditional model cannot be understood outside of the constant dialogue that happens on the internet.”

In her book, Golia draws a parallel to the subreddit Am I the Asshole?, a crowd-sourced Reddit advice column for the modern age that effectively amputates the central personality of the traditional model for something more democratic. Carolyn Hax, who has published a now-daily advice column in the Washington Post since 1998, regularly integrates reader responses to questions in her answers. She told me this was in part a product of an active online community in the comments section. Once a week, Hax sits out and her column is devoted entirely to reader responses. Hax’s column is more about general relations than sexual ones, though she does occasionally broach the topic. Previously, she was less confident about opining in an area of specialized knowledge, but now, “I’m much more comfortable with the idea of just being sex-positive,” she said. “My understanding of this has gotten so much better over the years—of what works and what doesn’t work and what comes with a with a side of shame, which complicates everything and makes it worse. That’s just time and experience.”

Feedback has been a mixed blessing for Savage. “A lot of us learn to stop reading our mentions,” he said. And yet, he’s learned and grown from being “yelled at” by readers—sometimes literally. He recalled running into writer Kate Bornstein on the streets of Seattle in the ’90s, who took him to task for something “jokey stupid” he wrote about gender-confirmation surgery. Their meeting spawned a column, which introduced the gender theorist to many of Savage’s readers. And all “because I fucked up,” Savage said. “And because I was receptive when Kate Bornstein said, ‘You fucked up.’ I didn’t tell her to fuck off. I didn’t do a Netflix special about how much I hate her.” Still, when Savage started writing in print, his archive wasn’t instantly accessible as it is today. “There was this understanding that writers and columnists were still thinking and reassessing and revising their opinions as more info or life experience came in,” he recalled. “And somehow the internet destroyed people’s ability to perceive that or allowed bad actors to argue that that’s not what you did. They will hold up the bloody shirt of something you wrote 25 years ago, and you’re like, ‘Have you read anything that I’ve written in the last 20 years about literally that?’”

As forebears to the modern advice column like Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Loveline’s Dr. Drew Pinsky did on television and radio, respectively, many of today’s self-styled dispensers of advice have expanded beyond the written word, using TikTok, YouTube, and podcasts. (Savage’s Savage Lovecast turns 18 this year.) This is another mixed blessing, according to Dr. Debby Herbenick, professor and director of Indiana University Bloomington’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion. “I think there’s a lot of upsides to video-based sex education, and sex information coming out,” said Herbenick, who has written several advice columns, including Kinsey Confidential for the Kinsey Institute from 2001 to 2018. “It can be entertaining, it can be engaging, it can get it to lots of different sources. On the other hand, there’s also not a lot of eyes on it for fact-checking. When you don’t have something that’s kind of written out there that people can parse and go through, it really does kind of become a little invisible.”

Taormino noted that the market for sex podcasts is “saturated—and we’re all vying for the same ad dollars.” She contrasted the post-Savage boom that saw the birth of her “Pucker Up” column and countless others crop up with the current censorious state of media, in which writers and sex workers are penalized for talking about sex on social media. Herbenick recalled a drug-store chain dropping an unnamed magazine she wrote for as the result of her writing about sex. “I had to fight to talk about HPV and sex toys,” she said. “And I didn’t always win those fights. And when I did, those publications were taking a risk.”

Shrinking and obliterated newsrooms only add to the difficulty of writing about sex (at least, writing about sex and getting paid for it). A certain strain of common wisdom states that “people don’t read anymore,” and so it’s only natural that a lot of the public sex discourse has poured into audio and visual media, or pithy comments on crowd-sourced advice columns like r/amitheasshole. Yet the written sex-advice column persists.

For Savage’s part, he remains just as engaged as he was 33 years ago. “I’m getting questions now from the middle-aged children of the people I gave advice to before they had kids,” he said. “If I had to write ‘What’s a butt plug?’ over and over and over again, forever, I’d probably lose my mind. The trouble that people get themselves into seems to constantly be interesting. And the situational ethics, there’s an infinite number. One genre of sex advice is, ‘What’s a butt plug?’ There’s an infinite number of ways that people can shit the bed and fuck up their life and need help or need validation or need to be told that they’re not the asshole or be told that they are the asshole. And so I think it is still interesting. And I still get questions that surprise me.”

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s the biggest myth about desire in long-term relationships

— It turns out every part of the narrative we’re taught about how desire works is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded

Young beautiful woman is kissing her boyfriend gently. Their eyes are closed. Couple is illuminated with bright multicolored lights.

By Emily Nagoski

When I first began having long(ish)-term sexual relationships during my college years I believed an old-fashioned narrative about how desire works. We’re told it’s all passion and “spark” early in a relationship, and that lasts a couple of years maybe. Then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper house or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark fizzles out, especially after 50, when apparently every hormone we ever had floats away on a sea of aging and we’re left, sexless and neutered, to hold hands at sunset.

Our options, we’re told, are either to accept the fizzling of our desire for sex or to fight against it, to invest our time, attention and even our money in “keeping the spark alive”.

Well, it turns out every part of that narrative is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded. A lot of books about sex in long-term relationships are about “keeping the spark alive”, and they too are wrongheaded. They’re so 20th century, with their rigid gender scripts and cringingly oversimplified ideas about sex and evolution.

I call this mess of wrongheadedness the desire imperative. The desire imperative says:

  • At the start of a sexual and/or romantic relationship, we should feel a “spark”, a spontaneous, giddy craving for sexual intimacy with our (potential) partner that might even feel obsessive.
  • The sparky desire we’re supposed to feel at the beginning of a relationship is the correct, best, healthy, normal kind of desire, and if we don’t have it, then we don’t have anything worth having.
  • If we have to put any preparation or planning into our sex lives, then we don’t want it “enough”.
  • If our partner doesn’t just spontaneously want us, out of the blue, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, they don’t want us “enough”.

The desire imperative puts desire at the center of our definition of sexual well-being. It says there is only one right way to experience desire, and without that, nothing else matters. And so people worry about sexual desire. If desire changes or it seems to be missing, people worry that there’s something very wrong. It’s the most common reason couples seek sex therapy.

Here’s the irony of the desire imperative: does all that worry about “spark” make it easier to want and like sex? On the contrary, worry mainly puts sex further out of reach.

But there’s an alternative: center pleasure.

Desire is not what matters. Not “passion”, not “keeping the spark alive”.

Pleasure is what matters.

Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having.

Great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have but how much you like the sex you are having.

Spontaneous desire v responsive desire

A simple place to start changing how we think about desire and pleasure is understanding what sex researchers and therapists say about desire. They call the “spark” of the desire imperative “spontaneous desire”, and it is one of the normal ways to experience sexual desire, but it is not associated with great sex in a long-term relationship.

They also describe “responsive desire”, which is not a “spark” feeling but rather an openness to exploring pleasure and seeing where it goes. It often shows up as “scheduled” sex, where you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter and then show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up! It says: “Oh, right! I really like this! I really like this person!” Where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.

Both are normal and neither is better than the other … but it’s responsive desire that is associated with great sex over the long term.

Not “passion”, not “spark”, but pleasure, trust and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to center pleasure over spark.

Pleasure is sensation in context

Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being – that is, whether or not you like the sex you are having.

So, what even is pleasure?

Well. Does a sensation feel good? How good? Does it feel bad? How bad?

That’s the whole thing. Pleasure is the simplest thing in the world, in the sense of declaring whether a sensation feels good or not. Next time you’re eating your very favorite food, notice what that pleasure is like – the food’s appearance, its texture, aroma and flavor. Notice what pleasure does to your body. Pleasure is simple …

But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. We’ve been lied to about the nature of pleasure, just as we’ve been lied to about the nature of desire. We’ve been told that sexual pleasure is supposed to be easy and obvious, and if it’s not easy and obvious, then there’s something wrong. For some people, experiencing pleasure is like finding Waldo: so frustrating that you start to wonder why you’re even looking.

We’ve been told that pleasure comes from being touched in the right place, in the right way, by the right person, and if that touch, in that place, by that person, feels good some of the time but not other times, that’s a problem. These lies show up in movies and romance novels and porn, where the main characters may be running away from the villain or even just exhausted and overwhelmed by life, but Partner A touches the magic spot on Partner B’s body and it doesn’t matter what else is going on, Partner B’s knees melt and their genitals tingle.

If that’s how pleasure works for you, cool.

For the rest of us, pleasure isn’t about the right place on your body touched in the right way. It’s the right place, the right way, by the right person, at the right time, in the right external circumstances and the right internal state. In short: it’s sensation in the right context.

“Context” means both your internal state and your external circumstances.

A simple example of this is tickling. Tickling is not everyone’s favorite (though it is some people’s favorite!), but you can imagine a scenario where partners are already turned on, in a trusting, playful, erotic situation, and Partner A tickles Partner B and it feels good! But if those same partners are in the middle of an argument about, say, money, and Partner A tries to tickle Partner B, will that feel good? Or would Partner B feel more like punchin’ somebody in the nose than snuggling?

Any sensation may feel good, great, spectacular, just OK or terrible, depending on the context in which you experience it.

Pleasure is a shy animal. We can observe it from a safe distance, but if we approach too fast, it will run. If we try to capture it, it will panic. You have to build trust with your pleasure before it will allow you to observe it closely.

Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough. Trusting enough, healthy enough, welcome enough, at low-enough risk. Everyone’s threshold for “enough” is different, and it changes from situation to situation. But when we create that safe-enough context, our brains have the capacity to interpret any sensation as pleasurable.

Pleasure is not desire (though desire can be pleasurable)

Pleasure and desire are different systems in the brain. At the level of the emotional, mammalian brain, desire is known as “wanting” or “incentive salience”, and pleasure is discussed as “liking” or hedonic impact.

“Wanting”, in the brain, is a vast network of dopamine-related circuitry that mediates how motivated we are to pursue a goal. “Liking”, by contrast, is a set of smaller “hedonic hot spots” where opioids and endocannabinoids mediate how good a sensation feels.

Pleasure is stillness, savoring what’s happening in the moment. Desire is forward movement, exploring to create something that doesn’t currently exist.

Pleasure is a perception of a sensation. Desire is motivation toward a goal.

In a sense, pleasure is satisfaction and desire is dissatisfaction, because pleasure is enjoying an experience, while desire is motivation to pursue something different.

Consider the “wanting” involved in continuous, joyless scrolling on social media. You’re searching for something you can’t name, maybe for the reward of, at last, finding something that makes you feel good or that even confirms your worst fears. You want … something. But you’re not enjoying it, you’re just following the urge to keep looking. Desire without pleasure.

So far, so simple.

Where it can get muddy is in how desire feels. Pleasure, by definition, feels good. Desire per se is more or less neutral; it’s the context that makes it feel good or bad. I think people confuse desire for pleasure because desire sometimes feels good. Once we recognize that desire can also feel bad, we begin to understand both how desire and pleasure are not the same thing and why pleasure is the one that really matters.

How sexual desire feels

Anticipation, expectation, craving, longing – these are all ways of experiencing desire that can feel delightful and even ecstatic. But anticipation, expectation, craving and longing can also feel frustrating, irritating and annoying. Desire can be hope and optimism, but it can also be anxiety and fear.

Whether desire feels good or not depends on the context. All pleasure depends on the context.

If you have experienced desire, stop and recall a moment when it was pleasurable. Probably, the object of your desire, whether it was a lover or a new gadget or a tasty snack, seemed within reach, maybe you felt in control of whether or not you got what you wanted, maybe your desire was grounded in a promise someone made that filled you with anticipation.

The pleasurable version of spontaneous desire is, I think, why people get confused about the difference between pleasure and desire and why we might be convinced that “spontaneous” is the good, right, normal kind of desire. After all, it was “easy” – or at least, it happened out of nowhere – and it was fun.

But spontaneous sexual desire can feel terrible, too. Suppose you can’t figure out how to get closer to your object of desire, or the object of your desire is entirely out of reach or, worse, actively rejecting you, pushing you away. In that context, your ongoing desire can feel like a form of torture.

If you’ve wanted to want sex, you’ve experienced a different uncomfortable desire. Many people who struggle to let go of the “ideal” of spontaneous desire know how awful it feels to want something you can’t get, which is why it’s so important that we remind ourselves that it’s responsive desire, not spontaneous desire, that characterizes great sex over the long term. If you enjoy the sex you have, you’re already doing it right, and you’re allowed to stop trying to create spontaneous desire.

If we think only about the pleasurable experiences of desire, we end up using the words “pleasure” and “desire” more or less interchangeably. But they’re different; we know they’re different because of the brain science. And if pleasure always is pleasurable but desire is only sometimes pleasurable, doesn’t it make sense to center pleasure, and allow desire to emerge in contexts that maximize the chances that the desire will feel good?

Are you still worried about spontaneous desire?

If I wanted to spark controversy, I’d say there’s no such thing as a sexual desire problem, and all the news articles and think pieces and self-help books and medical research focused on a “cure” for low desire are irrelevant. The “cure” for low desire is pleasure. When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, we eliminate any need to worry about desire.

But I’m not here for controversy, I’m here to make your sex life better. So I’ll just say: don’t sweat desire. If you’re worried about your partner’s low desire, ask them about pleasure. If you’re worried about your own low desire, talk to your partner about pleasure. Desire can be a fun bonus extra; it’s as important as simultaneous orgasms, which is to say, a neat party trick but not remotely necessary for a satisfying long-term sex life.

And yet. In my unscientific survey of a few hundred strangers, some people reported that what they want when they want sex is spontaneity:

“I hate talking about having sex before I have sex. Like if it can’t happen naturally, I kinda don’t want it.”

Oof, that word. “Naturally.”

If the idea of talking about sex, or making a plan before you have it, feels “unnatural”, I am here to acknowledge the reality that talking about sex might deflate spontaneous desire, but also to ask you to consider the possibility that planning sex can be part of the pleasure and that talking about sex is not just natural, it’s part of the erotic connection between you and a partner.

Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough, according to the author.

Maybe every sexual experience you’ve had in response to spontaneous desire has been better than any sex you’ve ever had in response to a plan. But did you really not plan before any of that great “spontaneous” sex? When you’re in a new or emerging relationship, do you not spend time daydreaming about a hot date, making plans for dinner or an adventure together, exchanging flirtatious texts, emails, phone calls, whispers? Hot-and-heavy, falling-in-love horniness is often accompanied by a lot of planning and preparation and, yes, even talking about sex in advance. Do you not spend time getting ready for it, grooming, dressing carefully, making sure you smell good?

Is that … “natural”?

The myth that the “natural” way to have sex is for it to be spontaneously borne of mutual horniness, without having to talk about it or make a plan? That’s the desire imperative. The desire imperative insists that without spontaneous desire, we don’t want sex “enough”. If we have to plan it, there’s a problem.

But consider what our lives are like. We schedule large portions of our days, often weeks or even months in advance. We fill our calendars with work and school and family and friends and entertainment. We fill our bodies with stress and a sense of obligation to others and to ourselves. We impose modern exigencies that don’t even create adequate opportunity for natural sleep, much less unplanned yet mutually enthusiastic sex.

I don’t expect you to believe me right away. I know you’ve been taught to worry about desire. It might even feel troubling or problematic to say that desire doesn’t matter. Maybe you’re thinking: What could you possibly mean, Emily, to not worry about not wanting it and just enjoy it instead? Are you telling me to enjoy sex I don’t want???

On the contrary! I’m saying: Imagine a world where all of us only ever have sex we enjoy. And anything we don’t enjoy, we just don’t do! We don’t do it, and – get this – we don’t worry about not doing it! When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, sex we don’t like is never even on the table.

Complete Article HERE!

From the ‘Third Date Rule’ to Sex Ed

— Boomer Sex and Dating Trends

Getting married again is not popular. But getting intimate after a few dates is, says a new Kinsey/Match study

By Ellen Uzelac

Most single boomers say they’re ready to get intimate with a new partner by the third date – a practice so common that it’s been dubbed “The Third Date Rule.”

​​That’s just one of the many trends in dating for older adults found in the latest “Singles in America” study, released by Match in conjunction with the Kinsey Institute, an esteemed educational research institute that is part of Indiana University. ​​

Among other key data points for adults ages 59-77: an overall preference for sexual monogamy, a desire to know more about consent and, for many, a sex drought.

​​“Regarding the new data, I’m kind of hopeful,” says Justin Garcia, an evolutionary biologist and sex researcher who is executive director of the Kinsey Institute and also a professor with Indiana University’s Department of Gender Studies. “These are things we can think critically about and implement to make our romantic and sexual lives more fulfilling.” ​​

Here are the chief takeaways for older adults:​​

The third date rule. Sixty-six percent of singles said they were amenable to cuddling by the third date and 58 percent were up for a make-out session. Roughly one-third reported being comfortable with getting naked, touching each other’s naked bodies, performing and receiving oral sex, having vaginal or anal sexual intercourse, and discussing their sexual likes and dislikes. ​​

“Many people give themselves self-imposed rules to guide their behavior in dating,” says Garcia, who coauthored the book Evolution of Sexual Behavior and has served as a scientific adviser for Match.com since 2010. “We are freer than ever to date and love and be intimate with whomever we want, but that freedom and openness can lead to a lack of clarity. I think having rules is a good thing. People, especially in dating, can be nervous, anxious, scared, excited. It gives you a rough goalpost.” ​​

Sex education. Forty-three percent of boomers say more sex ed in their younger years would have helped them have healthier and happier relationships today. Two key missing pieces are that 45 percent said they never learned about how to give or get consent and 49 percent never learned how to talk about sex in general. ​​

“The goal is to make sure people of all ages have the tools to engage in sex in ways that are safe, consensual and fulfilling,” Garcia says. “It’s never too late to invest in learning about the role of sexuality in our lives. For older populations, this information is still so important.” ​​

Garcia suggests talking to a medical professional about sex or accessing academic lectures on aging and sex. “People underestimate the value of stories and articles,” he adds. “If you look for the information, you’ll find it. Don’t be afraid to read the article. Stay informed about how to make sure sex is still pleasurable and satisfying.” ​​

Sexual relationship styles. Just over half of boomers say that traditional sexual monogamy is their ideal sexual relationship and that the three most important factors in a healthy romantic relationship are trust, mutual respect and effective communication. ​​

Few, around 2 percent, identified their ideal relationship as multiple committed partners in an open or consensual nonmonogamous relationship; and 4 percent say uncommitted sexual partners (e.g. hookups, one-night stands) are their ideal. Only about 1 percent want sex via internet or in a virtual reality environment. And 9 percent said their preference was a “friends with benefits” mode.

Nearly 60 percent said they felt empowered and comfortable asking a sexual partner for what they want. ​​

Only 10 percent of single boomers who have been married want to marry again. ​​

Sex drought. A majority of older singles, 74 percent, reported having had no sex in the last 12 months, and 28 percent said “no sexual relationship” was their preferred status. (By comparison, 21 percent of the 5,000-plus U.S. singles age 18-77 identified no relationship as their ideal.) ​​

Although the frequency of sexual activity has declined in a lot of national samples, Garcia says that doesn’t necessarily translate into a lack of interest in having a sexual partner. ​​

He attributes the sex drought in large measure to the stresses in people’s lives today – financial challenges, concern about infectious diseases, recovering from the global trauma of COVID, the loneliness epidemic.

​​“That’s a lot of weight,” he adds. “The psychological and social stress that people feel is not conducive to sexual desire. It’s a good reminder that when we’re stressed, we might lose our sexual desire.” ​ ​​​​ ​​ ​​ ​​ ​​ ​​ ​

Complete Article HERE!

What is a queer platonic partner?

— Not all long-term relationships require sex or romantic love.

Queer platonic partnerships provide space for all kinds of love and emotions just as a romantic relationship would.

By Beth Ashley

Modern relationships continually evolve. Many of us are shaping our relationships in non-traditional ways, moulding them to suit our personal preferences, desires, goals and situations rather than adapting ourselves to traditional relationship styles. For some people, this looks like polyamory or open relationships. For others, it might look like a queer platonic relationship (QPR), also known as a queer platonic partnership (QPP).

We spoke to two sex and relationships experts to understand what queer platonic partnerships are, what they involve, who typically enters this type of relationship, and the pros and cons.

What is a queer platonic partner?

Sex educator Erica Smith says a queer platonic partner is someone that you have a close intimate relationship with, and choose to do things together that are typically done by romantic partners: sharing a home, sharing responsibilities, considering each other to be family, maybe even raising children together. But the relationships are not romantic, and sometimes not sexual either.

“Often, people who consider themselves asexual or aromantic are in queer platonic relationships,” Smith says. Though, other queer people may decide to enter these types of partnerships too.

What are the benefits to having a queer platonic partner?

For many people, being part of a queer platonic relationship involves companionship, family, support, love, and “someone to share all the big life things including expenses with,” according to Smith.

Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and co-founder of sexual wellness brand Bloomi, adds that as society is evolving and starting to recognise and value different relationships, people are realising that there aren’t one-size-fits-all connections and are open to new experiences. Queer platonic partnerships provide space for all kinds of love and emotions just as a romantic relationship would. Sometimes that kind of love even serves them better, as there is less pressure.

Smith also notes that affordability might affect someone’s decision to enter a relationship like this. “So many people can’t afford rent or a mortgage these days, but being in partnership with someone makes things like housing more accessible. Some queer platonic partners may even choose to marry for the legal and financial benefits. In the U.S., this includes health insurance,” she explains.

Alvarez Story notes that the current cost of living crises in the UK, U.S., and Europe will contribute to this even more so. “The increasing cost of living and a need for the everyday benefits of a life partnership and community, such as co-parenting and financial sharing, might lead people to a queer platonic relationship.” This is especially true if someone finds themselves needing two incomes in a household to fulfill their life but are uninterested in pursuing sex or romance, such as asexual or aromantic people.

“After the COVID period, we have all gotten reminded of just how important socialising and having a reliable person nearby is, as well,” she adds. 

Why are more people entering queer platonic relationships?

It’s hard to track exactly how many people are in queer platonic relationships, and it should probably stay that way (do we really need that much surveillance in our intimate relationships?) but it seems like they’re on the increase.

A quick scroll through your For You page on TikTok reveals a number of sweet stories of friends marrying without romantic love or sexual attraction in order to buy a house and raise children together, and we also see examples on our screens. Many look to Hannah and Elijah in HBO’s Girls as the purest example of an attempted queer platonic relationship, as the two LGBTQ+ characters agree to raise Hannah’s child together in the home they already cohabit, and frequently sleep in the same bed and cuddle, as romantic partners would, for comfort. Some even look to Marlin and Dory from Pixar’s Finding Nemo, who many suggest are queer-coded in their platonic cohabiting and raising of Nemo.

Smith says that more people, especially young people, are increasingly defining partnership for themselves outside the small boxes that have been presented to them. This is why you may have seen more queer platonic partnerships popping up lately on your Instagram feed, or portrayed in the media. 

After all, why do we elevate romantic relationships above all other relationship structures? We know there have been societal and governmental incentives to be in monogamous marriage for centuries — but it’s 2024, and the way we look at partnership is finally shifting.

“Queer platonic partners challenge conventional ideas of what partnership is, and I think this is so appealing,” Smith says.

Are QPRs just for people who can’t find ‘real’ love?

There may be an assumption that those who have queer platonic relationships do so because they can’t find a “real” relationship, but this isn’t always the case. Some people have actively chosen to be part of a queer platonic relationship when traditional partners or relationships were available to them.

But Alvarez Story says this is very much a misconception. “Often those who identify as asexual or aromantic may be interested in engaging in queer platonic relationships. But, sometimes, people simply like the person and want to explore a deeper friendship that’s different from any other relationships they had in the past,” she says.

Queer platonic relationships don’t have specific rules and partners involved and those participating get to decide on how they want to engage and what type of commitment they are willing to have, so they’re a great fit for anyone who feels constrained by a more traditional relationship style. For a lot of people, shacking up with a friend is the definition of freedom.

Really, the choice to pursue friendship that looks a lot like a cohabiting relationship over “the real thing” shouldn’t come as a surprise. Internet discourse (and probably most real-life conversations too) has been rife with a shared disappointment with modern dating lately.  2021 research from Hinge shows 61 percent of the app’s UK users feel overwhelmed and fatigued when it comes to dating. Scroll through the “dating” search on X to see how visceral this exhaustion is. “Dating is actually a sick and twisted game,” writes one user. “This dating era is horrible,” writes another.

With so many of us feeling this tired, unhappy, and even depressed about dating, is it any wonder why some of us would rather commit to a life with a friend we love, trust, and feel confident we won’t tire of?

For some people, a queer platonic relationship doesn’t rule out sex or romantic love anyway. Some people in these set-ups will continue to date or have sex casually outside of the partnership, much like any open relationship.

The only reason anyone looks down on this type of relationship, according to Smith, is because society has elevated romantic partnerships as the most important kind of relationship there is, and “that kind of thinking runs deep!”

Are there any cons involved with a queer platonic relationship?

Smith notes that queer platonic relationships aren’t really legally recognized unless you have chosen to get married just as two people who are in love might, so this is something to keep in mind before pursuing a queer platonic relationship.

Additionally, Alvarez Story warns that sometimes queer platonic relationships can result in one-sided romantic feelings. “It might be that one partner develops deeper romantic aspirations or sexual desire towards their partner and this isn’t mutual. There can be jealousy and sadness if one partner engages in some type of relationship on the side.”

She adds that, in these cases, a partner might be bothered by other relationships (no matter whether there are any deeper romantic and/or sexual aspirations involved) in the way that there’s less time one can dedicate to their queer platonic partner.

For this reason, it’s important to make sure the two of you are 100 percent on the same page when entering a partnership of this nature, and that you stay open, communicative and honest in case feelings develop or change.

Just like any other relationship, a queer platonic partnership doesn’t have to be the be-all-or-end-all. As long as everyone involved is open and on the same page, you can try this type of partnership to see if it’s right for you and your pal. You might find it’s everything you ever dreamed of, or you might find yourself re-downloading the apps, or a bit of both.

Complete Article HERE!

What Non-Monogamy Actually Is (And Isn’t)

— According To Non-Monogamous People

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles that are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive between two people.

You might assume non-monogamy is synonymous with cheating. But that’s just not the case.

By

Non-monogamy has been practiced in some circles for a long time, but recently, there’s been more curiosity about the topic.

According to Google data, the term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen more than a 250% increase in search traffic over the past year. A 2020 YouGov poll of 1,300 U.S. adults found that a third of respondents say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to a degree. And more than 20% of single Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, per a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.

“It’s not just a new fad,” polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost. “People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”

So what does it mean exactly? Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles that are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive between two people.

Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer and creator behind the @monogamish_me Instagram account, described it to HuffPost as: “Any relationship structure that is consensually and openly non-monogamous, meaning either — or more likely both — partners in a couple have romantic and/or sexual contact with people other than each other.”

You may have come across the term “ethical non-monogamy,” sometimes referred to as “ENM.” The word “ethical” has been used to differentiate these kinds of relationships — where all parties have talked about and agreed to the arrangement — from ones where cheating is happening.

“It’s not just a new fad. People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”
– Leanne Yau, polyamory educator

But some experts take issue with the term, said Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and sex expert for Archer, a new dating app for queer men. In his book “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto,” he explains the pushback from researchers, educators and activists in the space about use of the word “ethical.”

“They don’t like the term ‘ethical’ because it implies that non-monogamy is inherently unethical. Why else would you feel compelled to preface with ‘ethical’?” he writes in the book.

“It also holds non-monogamy to an unfair, higher standard than monogamy. Monogamous people constantly lie and cheat on their partners, and they don’t have to preface their behaviors with [being] ethical or unethical, so why do non-monogamous folks? Then, of course, many ENM relationships are not ethical. You can absolutely still be a piece of shit even when practicing ENM.”

Instead, many people prefer terms like “consensual non-monogamy” (CNM) or just “non-monogamy.”

There are four main types of non-monogamous relationships.

Some of the common relationship structures that fall under the non-monogamous umbrella include monogamish, swinging, open relationships and polyamory.

“Things can be very fluid between them, but broadly, I see them falling into four types,” Yau said.

Monogamish is a term that was coined by sex and relationships writer and podcast host Dan Savage, and refers to a predominantly monogamous relationship in which “sexual activity outside the relationship is seen as the exception rather than the norm,” Yau said.

“So, that might look like having a threesome on special occasions, or occasionally going to a sex party. Or if there’s a kink that you want to explore, telling your partner and then finding someone to indulge that with,” she explained.

Swinging is when couples have sexual experiences with multiple partners, typically (but not always) as a unit. It often involves swapping partners or engaging in group sex, among other types of sexual play.

“Swinging is something that couples do together, as in they sleep with other people together, and they engage with other singles and/or couples. So that might look like threesomes, foursomes, orgies, sex parties, that kind of thing,” said Yau, noting that the term “swinger” has fallen out of favor to a degree. Some people, especially those in younger generations, may prefer to say they’re part of “the lifestyle” instead.

An open relationship is typically one that is sexually non-monogamous, but romantically monogamous. (Previously, however, people used the term as a catch-all to describe any non-monogamous relationship, Yau noted.)

“So when someone says that they are in an open relationship, I take that to mean that they are only romantically dating one person, but both of them can have casual sex with other people, either separately or together, on the side,” Yau said.

Polyamory is the only form of non-monogamy “where you not only have sexual non-exclusivity, but also romantic non-exclusivity,” Yau said. In other words, you’re part of multiple loving relationships at the same time. This stands in contrast to the other non-monogamous relationships described above in which everything outside of the primary relationship is “kept strictly sexual or casual, however you define that,” Yau explained.

While there still may be some hierarchy within certain polyamorous relationships, “it’s the one type where there isn’t necessarily a focus on a primary romantic relationship,” Yau said.

Many common assumptions about non-monogamy aren’t true.

Non-monogamy may be gaining traction but is still very much at odds with our monogamous cultural norms. Stigma and misunderstandings about these types of relationships persist. One common misconception: Non-monogamous relationships aren’t serious or lasting.

“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January,” Stroh said. “Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”

Zane echoed a similar sentiment: “There’s this notion that ENM, specifically polyamory, isn’t sustainable long-term, meaning eventually, you and your partner(s) will break up,” he said. “Needless to say, that isn’t the case. There are poly folks who’ve been with their partners for decades.”

Some people mistakenly believe non-monogamy is cheating, which it’s not. In non-monogamous relationships, everyone should be aware, engaged and “enthusiastically participating,” Yau said. Honest communication, established guidelines and recurring check-ins are foundational here, just as they are in any healthy relationship.

“Non-monogamous relationships, just like monogamous relationships, require that everyone be aware and consenting,” Yau said. “It’s not the same as going behind someone else’s back and just kind of doing your own thing and having multiple partners without anyone knowing.”

“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January. Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”
– Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer

Another common misconception is that non-monogamy is just a last-ditch effort for couples trying to save their marriage.

“Of course, there are some folks who do attempt ENM as their relationship is failing, and the vast majority of the time, it does not save the relationship,” Zane said. “But that’s not the majority of folks who are ENM.”

In fact, if your relationship is in a bad place, introducing non-monogamy is probably only going to make matters worse, Yau said.

“Because non-monogamy requires quite a lot of security and confidence and trust in your partner in order to engage with it in a sustainable and healthy way,” she said. “A relationship that is on its way towards ending anyway is probably not going to be the best fit for that.”

Monogamous people may also assume that non-monogamous people are just inherently less jealous, which isn’t necessarily true.

“Non-monogamous folks are still human,” Zane said. “We still get jealous. We just — hopefully — address it better. Instead of lashing out at our partners, we admit that we’re feeling jealous and insecure, attempt to figure out the root of the jealousy and work together to find a solution.”

There also tends to be this assumption that at least one person in a non-monogamous relationship is being pushed into it against their will.

“Meaning, one partner would prefer to be monogamous but ‘can’t get their partner to commit to them,’” Stroh said. “Of course, these things are true sometimes for people who claim they are polyamorous, but it’s often not the case.”

This perception that one partner is being dragged into it and crying themselves to sleep every night is “really unfair,” Yau said.

“It portrays non-monogamous people as being selfish or toxic or abusive when we’re not interested in dating monogamous people, for the most part,” Yau said. “We want other people who fully accept and validate us and our desires.”

Complete Article HERE!