Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Intimacy App Trends

— How They Affect Your Sex Life?

Intimacy apps allow more people to access sex and relationship therapy and communication skills due to their relatively inexpensive nature and ability to be accessed anonymously from many places worldwide. This has seen the rise in many apps, which can help increase intimacy, communication, and sex skills.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Sex and intimacy apps help couples and individuals to have pleasurable sex by reducing sexual shame and stigma.
  • Sex and intimacy apps can increase sexual confidence, education, and communication techniques.
  • While these apps help many people, it is important to ensure that the information being given is from health professionals, as misinformation is common in sexual health.

But users must be aware of the potential misinformation spread by these apps and check for their legitimacy.

How do intimacy apps affect your sex life?

Many agree that better communication with our partners can improve our relationship and sex life. But talking to our partners about sex doesn’t always come easy, as expressing our sexual wants and needs requires a bit of strength and vulnerability.

While we could all benefit from talking to a Psychologist or Sex Therapist about our intimacy issues, time and money often prevent many people from doing so. That’s why there has been an increase in sex and intimacy apps over the past couple of years, which aim to improve communication, strengthen relationships, and increase sexual pleasure.

But how do these apps affect your sex life? Most of the apps include a series of guided lessons and exercises to be completed as a couple or individual that are designed to educate you or challenge your attitudes and beliefs about sex and sexuality.

These exercises work to:

Help to undo shame

We live in a pretty sex-negative society that constantly feeds us messages that sex and pleasure are bad, particularly if you are a woman, which leads many of us to feel shame about our sexuality. These apps help to challenge these feelings of shame by providing a sex-positive environment that affirms pleasure and sexuality. This is important for undoing shame and increasing a person’s pleasure and well-being, particularly for marginalized populations.

Provide sex education

Sex education gives us the skills and knowledge necessary to make informed decisions about our bodies and sexuality, which in turn helps us to live healthy and happy lives both sexually and romantically. But unfortunately, many people miss out on this vital education.

Sex and intimacy apps aim to fill in these gaps, allowing their users to be sexually competent and aware of their bodies and their fantasies and desires, leading to better sex. They also teach vital communication skills that can be used with our partners to strengthen bonds and manage conflict.

Increase communication

These apps also aim to increase communication between partners, which is a vital ingredient in good sex. Effective communication ensures that both partners feel seen and safe and that their needs, desires, and boundaries are met. Communication also allows us to learn more about our partners by exploring their desires, arousal, and fantasies. Many apps provide guided lessons and exercises that allow us to communicate our needs and desires to our partners slowly and steadily, which is less daunting than laying everything out on the table.

Pros of intimacy apps

As stated above, there are many pros to intimacy apps, as they allow you to:

Learn about sexual pleasure, arousal, and desire in a sex-positive environment.

Learn communication practices.

Practice mindfulness that allows you to get out of your head during sex.

Set aside time for you and your partner to connect and build on intimacy.

Access information and therapy easily and relatively cheaply.

Reduce shame and stigma surrounding sex and sexuality.

Cons of intimacy apps

There aren’t too many cons surrounding intimacy apps.

However, you should ensure that the app you choose to use has information from qualified healthcare professionals who specialize in sexual health.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of misinformation about sexual health to be found on the internet, particularly about reproductive health, so it’s vitally important that you check your sources.

Another issue to look out for before signing up is the company’s privacy and data practices, as you may not like your sexual data being sold to other companies.

Intimacy apps to check out

Coral

Coral is a sexual wellness app for couples and individuals that aims to increase intimacy and pleasure and build sexual confidence by providing personalized lessons and exercises. The information provided in the app has been contributed by some of the biggest names in sexual health and is worth checking out.

Lover

Lover is a sexual wellness app created by doctors to help treat common sexual dysfunctions. Made for all genders, the app provides an 8-12 week training plan of personalized exercises, activities, and videos, all scientifically proven to address common concerns and help have pleasurable sex.

Ferly

Ferly is a science-backed sexual wellness app aimed at women and non-binary folks that provides audio programs guided by sexual health experts to help you have more pleasurable sex. There is a wide range of classes to choose from, including feature programs like “cultivating desire” or “sex after trauma,” as well as podcasts, interviews, and some erotica to help get you into the mood.

Intimacy apps help to improve people’s sex lives by providing accessible and personalized information, exercises, and lessons on sexual health. These apps aim to reduce the shame and stigma by providing sexually affirming information and communication techniques designed to strengthen the bond between couples. While there are many advantages to these kinds of apps, users need to ensure they are accessing information from reputable sources and be wary of the privacy and data practices of the app.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Make-Up Sex Good Or Bad For Your Relationship?

By Hannah Frye

Imagine this: You and your partner just got into a huge fight. Luckily, you’ve worked things out for the most part and (hopefully) reached some sort of resolution. Yet, you’re still left feeling disconnected and maybe even insecure about where you stand. 

These emotions may lead to one common behavior: make-up sex. But is this the best way to “fix” that residual awkwardness? On a recent episode of the mindbodygreen podcast, psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., authors of The Love Prescription and founders of the Gottman Institute, share their expert POV on the matter—here’s a quick summary of what they said.

What is make-up sex?

First things first, let’s get very clear about what make-up sex actually means, also called “apology sex.” As expected, the process begins with an argument. Julie notes that plenty of couples feel distant from one another after a big fight—something many people can relate to.

“The distance creates fear, it creates insecurity, and it creates anxiety,” she adds. These emotions can make either partner feel a need to immediately reconcile the lost connection, and sex is one way that couples tend to feel close and truly loved, Julie explains.

Of course, sex isn’t important to all relationships, but especially if you and your partner prioritize physical intimacy, it might seem like the one thing you two can agree on at the moment—but is it actually going to patch up the open wound?

Is it good or bad for the relationship?

Engaging in make-up sex is not inherently bad for the relationship—but it should be paired with at least one other form of reassurance. In fact, when talking about couples that engage in make-up sex, Julie says they may actually need verbal reassurance or some kind of physical touch reassurance that doesn’t involve the bedroom. 

Long story short: Sex is not off the table entirely, but it shouldn’t be the only form of apology or reassurance. So either before or after you hop in bed and start having sex, use other words and actions to remind your partner that you love them.

For even more connection, cuddle afterward. John references one study that looked at 70,000 people across 24 countries (detailed in the book The Normal Bar) and identified common patterns between couples who self-reported great sex lives and those who didn’t.

One of the findings? “Of the couples that didn’t cuddle in all those countries, 96% of them had an awful sex life. Only 4% of the non-cuddlers had a great sex life,” John notes. Suffice it to say, cuddling may be just as important to your sex life as the act itself, both for reconciliation and a healthy sex life in general.

The takeaway.

All in all, make-up sex isn’t necessarily good or bad for your relationship, but it shouldn’t take the place of verbal reassurance or other forms of physical touch. Be sure to remind your partner that you love them in more ways than sex, and you should be good to go.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Anxiety and Erectile Dysfunction

— Is there a connection?

 

By Jana Abelovska

It may surprise you that your genitals are not your primary sex organ; your brain is! The brain plays a significant role in your ability to feel aroused. If you find it difficult to relax, it will be challenging to get aroused or reach orgasm.

Having trouble maintaining an erection isn’t always linked with age. Men often experience ED at some point. The good news is that you can now identify the cause of ED, which will usually go away with treatment.

Anxiety refers to feelings of nervousness, worry, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. Anxiety means continuous stress or fear after the source of this stress or concern has passed. Anxiety is the most prevalent mental health condition in the Uk, and 20% of men will likely experience anxiety at some stage. You may get Viagra pills online from a trusted pharmacy if you have ED.

The causes of ED may be both psychological and physical. The success of treatment for physical reasons depends on your condition. Studies reveal that psychological factors are the most significant cause of ED. Psychological factors, like emotional and environmental factors, are usually curable. It includes stress and anxiety.

Anxiety plays a significant role in erectile dysfunction (ED) development. Psychological and behavioral responses to erectile dysfunction may lead to a heinous cycle of increased uneasiness, distance and conflicts. It, in turn, leads to fewer sexual encounters, less time spent together and a lack of communication between partners.

You might wonder how something you experience in your mind may cause erectile dysfunction. A number of key factors play a role when it comes to achieving an erection. Your nervous system, muscles, blood vessels, hormones, and emotions play a role in erection.

  • Stress and anxiety may trigger an increase in the production of stress hormones and a decrease in testosterone levels, which plays a role in the sex drive.
  • Stress and anxiety may trigger how the brain sends signals to your penis to allow for better blood flow.
  • Stress and anxiety may affect your self-esteem and feelings of desire.

Increased stress and anxiety may also increase your risk for other health conditions that may cause ED, like:

  • High blood pressure
  • High cholesterol levels
  • Heart disease
  • Obesity
  • Excessive alcohol consumption

How does anxiety cause erectile dysfunction?

Men experience three types of erections:

  • Reflexive erection due to physical stimulation
  • Psychogenic erection due to visual or mental associations
  • Nocturnal erection during sleep

These types of erections involve vital bodily systems and processes. A disruption in any of these processes may cause ED. These include:

  • Nervous system
  • Blood vessels
  • Muscles
  • Hormones
  • Emotions

Mental health conditions like stress and anxiety may also affect how the brain signals the body’s physical response. Stress and anxiety may affect how the brain sends messages to your penis to allow extra blood flow.

Stress and anxiety about erectile dysfunction may also contribute to a cycle of ongoing ED. Experiencing ED may lead to behavioral changes that contribute to anxiety and incidences of ED.

Reasons for erectile dysfunction

Men of all ages may experience ED in some shape or form caused by stress.

  • Psychological erectile dysfunction (mainly nervousness and anxiety) affects about 90% of teenagers and young men. This form of psychological erectile dysfunction is normally short-lived.
  • Men over 30 are more likely to deal with personal and professional stress, leading to erectile dysfunction. Personal and professional stress, such as relationship trouble, is the primary reason for ED in middle-aged men.
  • Impotence is the most prevalent cause for older men. Life circumstances, such as losing a partner or adjusting to retirement, may cause stress and anxiety, which can, in turn, cause erectile dysfunction.

How do you know if erectile dysfunction is psychological?

Whether you have discussed it with your healthcare professional, a few signs may suggest that erectile dysfunction is psychological. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you interested in sex and love your partner but have difficulty performing?
  • Do you experience morning erections?
  • Are you under much stress or have immense anxiety?
  • Do you get anxious about satisfying your partner?

An affirmative answer to any of the above questions doesn’t necessarily indicate that ED is psychological. Still, it may tell that one or several psychological factors affect your symptoms. It’s imperative to talk to your healthcare provider if you think ED may have something to do with your mental health issues, such as anxiety or major depression.

How to beat psychological erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction may occur for various reasons, from physical issues like high blood pressure and heart diseases to psychological ones like anxiety and depression. To treat psychological erectile dysfunction in the best way is to focus on the root of the problem, whether it is some mental illness or simply feelings of guilt about sex.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a standard treatment for psychological issues, including depression and anxiety. The therapy helps to identify and change unhealthy thought patterns and behaviour that may contribute to erectile dysfunction and sexual health issues.

This kind of treatment relies on the idea that the situation (your inability to get or maintain an erection) isn’t the core problem; instead, your reaction to it is. If you learn to understand your thought patterns better, you may positively change them to resolve the issues.

The next option is psychosexual therapy or sex therapy. It is a specialized form of counseling that helps you (and your partner) to overcome sexual issues like erectile dysfunction. However, it is essential to realize that discussing erectile dysfunction with your healthcare provider and partner is integral to the healing process.

What should you do if you are having issues?

Whether in a relationship or single, changes in the sex drive and your ability to get an erection may be confronting issues. If you are in a relationship, speak with your partner about how you feel. A problem shared is a problem halved. Understanding between you and your partner will help you work through the sexual issues you are having.

If you are single, consider talking to someone you trust, like your friend or a doctor, about changes in your sex drive. Talking through this may help you better understand the next best steps.

Remember that it is normal to feel stressed during this time. It is normal not to feel like having sex. If your sex drive remains low and you have issues with ED for a couple of weeks or more, you should visit your doctor. The doctor may do a physical examination to help understand the causes of your ED and set up a treatment plan.

Conclusion

Stress is an underlying factor in erectile dysfunction. But over time, stress may cause anxiety, which triggers more stress, creating a heinous cycle that’s bad for your mental health and sex life.

Accepting the issue and being honest with your partner takes some weight off your shoulders. If you’re experiencing ED and think it may be psychological, it’s always best to talk to your healthcare provider. He will try to identify the cause of the erectile dysfunction and recommend an appropriate treatment, like medication or therapy.

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How Does Disability Affect Sex?

— People living with disabilities are often assumed to be asexual, which can have disastrous effects on their well-being. Humans are inherently sexual and, as such, deserve to have safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and be free to explore their sexuality and gender.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Many people within society view people living with disabilities as asexual, leaving them with little access to sexual and reproductive healthcare and education.
  • People living with disabilities are sexual beings and are entitled to safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and to explore their sexual and gender identities.
  • Mobility, fatigue, and pain can affect the sex of someone living with a disability. However, there are multiple toys and positions that can be used to help alleviate some of these issues.

Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue may affect a person’s sex life, certain toys and positions can aid in pleasure.

How does disability affect sex?

Having a disability can affect sex in several ways, particularly for people with limited mobility, chronic pain, and fatigue. However, this doesn’t mean that those living with a disability cannot enjoy a healthy and pleasurable sex life, as having a physical or cognitive disability doesn’t limit a person’s sexuality.

Humans are inherently sexual and have sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. However, many people within society view people living with disabilities as ‘asexual,’ not wanting to have sex, or not experiencing sexual feelings. This stereotype can affect people living with disabilities in numerous ways, including diminishing self-confidence, desire, ability to find a partner, and ability to view themselves as sexual being. People living with disabilities exist along the same spectrum as nondisabled people, with varied sexual orientations and gender identities.

Those living with mobility issues and chronic pain may have to approach sex a little differently than they’d like to. However, there a sex toys designed specifically to help with this issue for those who’d like to engage in solo sex. For those wanting to engage in sex with a partner, several positions and tools can help alleviate pain and maximize pleasure.

How to maximize pleasure while living with a disability?

Give yourself permission to be sexual

Sadly, research has found that people living with disabilities often internalize the asexuality stereotype, which diminishes their sexual desire and arousal. However, all humans are sexual beings that deserve sexual pleasure. Permitting yourself to be sexual, both solo and with a partner, allows you to reclaim your sexuality and cultivate a pleasurable life.

Allowing yourself to be a sexual being has added benefits, particularly concerning sexual health, as those who are sexually autonomous have been found to make informed decisions about their sexual health, leading to healthier outcomes.

Use toys, tools, and positions that work for you

There are a number of tools, positions, and toys that assist people with limited mobility and chronic pain.

The Bump’n sex toy can be used in several different ways depending on your needs. It’s designed to be a huggable pillow that you can insert a number of sex toys into to hump or grind on, which is great for solo play.

Sex wedges and pillows can also assist with placing your body in a position that is comfortable for you. Depending on your mobility and your partner’s mobility, there are many different positions that you can use to increase pleasure. When exploring new positions with a partner, both partners need to be communicative and express what feels good and what doesn’t. And remember that lube goes a long way in making things feel good.

How does disability affect sexual health?

As many people living with a disability are labeled ‘asexual’ by society, they often do not receive adequate sexual health care from health providers. Those living with a disability need regular pap tests, breast exams, prostate exams, and testicular checks, just like the rest of society.

People living with a disability who engage in sex need to have regular STI checks and have access to education on the importance of contraception.

People living with disabilities should expect to be treated as the whole person by healthcare professionals and expect to receive necessary sexual health care. If your health care needs are not taken seriously, we encourage you to advocate for yourself or access services available in your area to get the care you deserve.

People living with disabilities are not given comprehensive sexual health education

Again, as many people in society see people with disabilities as asexual, sexual education is often overlooked. However, sex and relationship education is just as important for people with disabilities as for those without disabilities. Sex education for disabled people should be given as children, with age-appropriate information. Additional information should also be covered, including:

  • People living with disabilities can have romantic, meaningful, and pleasurable relationships.
  • Sexual information that is specific to their individual needs.

Receiving this education allows people to live sexually healthy and pleasurable lives in healthy relationships.

Humans are inherently sexual beings deserving of safe and pleasurable sexual experiences, relationships, and sexual healthcare access, including those with disabilities. If you are living with a disability, you are entitled to be treated and respected as a sexual being. Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue, may not allow you to have the sex you would like, there are toys, tools, and positions that can aid in pleasurable sexual experiences for solo and partnered play.

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Love and sex in 2022

— The five biggest lessons of the year

Shedding binaries, shaking off taboos and more – in a year with big events and changes, love and sex looked different, too.

By Jessica Klein

The ways we think about sex and love are always evolving, constantly influenced by cultural, political and global happenings. 

This year was no different. Much of that influence particularly spread online, especially in communities by and for those who identify across the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Meanwhile, ripple effects from the self-reflection undertaken throughout the Covid-19 pandemic continued to rock the wider dating world, resulting in more intentional practices. People thought more about who they wanted to date, and how they wanted to do it. 

In 2022, this meant more folks openly moved away from both gender and attraction binaries. We saw people rely even more on the internet to find potential partners, for better and for worse. And daters got increasingly vocal about exploring different types of relationships, from solo polyamory to platonic life partnerships.

People are moving away from long-held binaries

In Western culture, relationships, gender and sexuality have long been defined by binaries. Either a couple is dating or they’re not; a person is attracted to women or men; a person is either a woman or man. Throughout the past several years, however, these binaries have grown steadily less entrenched, as more people are looking at sexual orientations and gender identities in different ways. And this was especially pronounced in 2022.

As far as sexual orientation, a person’s gender has become less relevant for many people when looking for a partner; this is especially the case for many millennials and Gen Zers navigating intimate relationships. For some, it’s even ended up at the “bottom of the list” in terms of what they desire in a partner. That’s particularly true for people who identify as queer or pansexual, meaning their romantic and/or sexual attractions don’t hinge on gender.

As 23-year-old, London-based Ella Deregowska put it, identifying as pansexual has allowed her to “fluidly move and accept each attraction I feel without feeling like I need to reconsider my identity or label in order to explain it”. Experts say the increased openness towards non-binary attractions, in part, is linked to increased representation in popular media – from television shows such as Canada’s Schitt’s Creek, in which Dan Levy plays the pansexual David Rose, to celebrities like Janelle Monae, who’ve identified with pansexuality.

It’s not just sexual orientation that’s felt a shift from binaries this year. More young folk (and celebrities) have also moved away from binaries to describe their gender. Identifying as non-binary or gender fluid lets many people express themselves more genuinely, since that expression may not inhabit one black-or-white category. “One day I wake up and feel more feminine, and maybe I want to wear a crop top and put earrings on. And then there’s times in which I’m like, I need my [chest] binder [to minimise the appearance of my breasts],” says Barcelona-based Carla Hernando, 26.

Even with more people breaking down sexual and gender binaries, however, dating can still be a minefield for those who identify as non-binary. From dating apps enforcing gender binaries, to partners pushing non-binary daters into gendered roles, not all parts of society have caught up with the movement away from binary gender norms.

In 2022, binaries grew less entrenched, as more people looked at sexual orientations and gender (Credit: Getty)
In 2022, binaries grew less entrenched, as more people looked at sexual orientations and gender

We’re increasingly challenging relationship taboos and traditions

Relationships among young daters have increasingly bucked entrenched norms this year.

Gen Z is has particularly embraced the grey area of dating by purposefully entering into ‘situationships’. These connections satisfy needs for close companionship, intimacy and sex, but don’t necessarily hinge on long-term relationship goals – instead existing somewhere between a relationship and a casual hook-up. Per Elizabeth Armstrong, a sociology professor at the University of Michigan, US, who studies these types of relationships, Gen Zers feel that “the situationship, for whatever reason, works for right now. And for right now, ‘I’m not going to worry about having a thing that is ‘going somewhere’”.

Overall, openness towards many kinds of non-traditional relationships has gained visibility, too. Ethical non-monogamy has been all over TikTok, often in the form of polyamorous relationships, in which more than two committed romantic and sexual partners cohabit. Then there are open relationships, which can look like anything from partners who hook up with other couples together, to those who have separate relationships with others outside their primary partnership. There are also poly people who prefer to live solo, embracing a ‘solo polyamorous’ lifestyle, through which they live alone but engage in multiple, committed relationships. Others to choose to cohabit with platonic partners, forming lasting relationships and even buying homes and planning futures with close friends rather than lovers.

Yet despite all this, plenty of relationship taboos and myths have endured, and likely will continue to. Single shaming, for instance, has been going strong since the start of the pandemic, when a survey by dating service Match showed 52% of UK-based single adults had experienced shaming for their (lack of) relationship status. And people still judge Leonardo DiCaprio and friends for their wide age-gap relationships. Meanwhile, myths like the idea of ‘opposites attracting’ endure, even though they often don’t.

Splitting became both easier and harder in 2022; divorce coaches thrived even as finances trapped couples together (Credit: Getty)
Splitting became both easier and harder in 2022; divorce coaches thrived even as finances trapped couples together

Breaking up is hard to do – and Covid-19 and the economy make it harder

The increased comfort around different ways to date hasn’t made break-ups any easier. Plenty of couples who blossomed under Covid-19 restrictions felt this acutely in 2022 – having started dating in ‘couple bubbles’ during lockdowns, many are struggling to adapt to relationships under more normal conditions. Some couples who thrive in solitude, it turns out, don’t cut it in the real world.

Yet in 2022, we’ve seen solutions for couples teetering on the edge of a break-up. “Life-changing” divorce coaches can help married couples navigate the mental health struggles of their break-ups, from the UK to Canada. These coaches represent a shift towards the normalisation of both seeking therapeutic aid in times of great stress, and of divorce overall. “It is no longer seen as a flaw of character, or a failure in one’s own life to divorce,” says Yasmine Saad, a clinical psychologist and founder of Madison Park Psychological Services in New York City. Hiring a divorce coach, therefore, is as natural as “wanting financial advice before investing your money”.

Or, couples who want to go the distance can try a gap year – an extended break that doesn’t signify the end of their relationships. Relationship therapists report seeing more of this in the wake of the pandemic, as couples who felt cooped up together over the last couple years want to explore life solo without breaking up.

Yet for couples set on splitting, the latest economic downtown has trapped some in joint living situations. Living alone these days, after all, isn’t cheap, and neither is buying an ex-partner out of their share of a joint dwelling. As Chantal Tucker, 37, who co-owns a London property with her ex-partner, put it, “I knew that I would never be able to afford to buy property again, and the prospect of renting in London forever was increasingly unpleasant.”

Some millennials struggled with 'dead bedrooms' in 2022 (Credit: Getty)
Some millennials struggled with ‘dead bedrooms’ in 2022

People are trying to make the increasingly bleak world of dating better 

For those who are single, meanwhile, navigating the treacherous waters of dating apps has still been hard.

It’s undeniable that dating apps have become the primary way for younger daters (millennials and Gen Z) to meet, with thousands of online dating sites in existence and 48% of 18 to 29-year-olds in the US using them. Unfortunately, bad behaviour on these apps is abundant, ranging from people using them to engage in infidelity or even harassment, the brunt of which female-identified users receive. It’s no wonder many people have become totally burnt out on online dating. Daters of all genders report being overwhelmed by the choices available on dating apps, saying it feels more like playing a numbers game than engaging with real potential partners.

“I feel burnt out sometimes when I feel like I have to swipe through literally 100 people to find someone who I think is moderately interesting,” says Philadelphia, US-based Rosemary Guiser, 32, but it’s almost impossible to avoid using apps to meet someone. “You could compare [their supremacy] a little bit to Amazon or Facebook,” says Nora Padison, a licensed graduate professional counsellor in Baltimore, US.

But because of the pandemic, people have become used to meeting online as an initial encounter. That pre-screening, for many, has been viewed as a safer, smarter way to decide to go on a real-life date, and it’s still the way many singles are engaging in more “intentional” dating. Another way is by doing it sober. A 2022 trends survey by dating service Bumble showed 34% of UK users were more likely to go on sober dates since the start of the pandemic, and 62% said they’d be more apt to form “genuine connections” when doing so.

Some bedrooms are ‘dead’, while others are booming

While the pandemic gave people time to explore and even reconsider their sexualities, it also definitely took a toll on people’s sex lives, specifically millennial couples. Data from 2021 shows US-based, married millennials reporting the most problems with sexual desire that year, often attributed to exhaustion from heavy workloads, mental health issues and financial stressors.

This year, we learned millennial couples seem to be arriving at sexless relationships faster than their older counterparts – as San Francisco, US-based sex therapist Celeste Hirschman noticed, it used to take her coupled clients around 10 to 15 years to stop having sex with each other. “Now, it’s maybe taking three to five,” she says.

But while many married millennials have struggled with sexless marriages, Baby Boomers may be having the best sex of their lives – their experience and patience having resulted in more bedroom skills and better communication. Gen Z – who  have a reputation for not having sex enough – are really just engaging in it more pragmatically. Their focus isn’t on settling down for the sake of it, but on getting their own lives together before bringing in a committed partner or thinking about starting a family.

Regardless of the type of sex anyone is having, there’s good news. Embracing a positive, growth mindset can make your sex life better. New Year’s resolution, anyone?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Most Effective Erectile Dysfunction Treatments for Older Adults

By James Roland

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is very common. Although it can affect men of all ages, it occurs more often in older adults and those with certain medical conditions, like diabetes.

Older research estimates that about 70 percent of men ages 70 and older report being “sometimes able” or “never able” to achieve an erection adequate for satisfactory intercourse, compared with just 30 percent of older men who report being “usually able” or “always or almost always able.”

Though it isn’t inevitable for everyone, ED is considered a normal part of aging as its risk factors include conditions common among older adults, such as:

  • cardiovascular disease
  • diabetes
  • reduced levels of testosterone
  • use of medications that treat conditions including:
    • high blood pressure
    • chronic pain
    • prostate disorders
    • depression
  • long-term, heavy substance use, including alcohol and tobacco
  • psychological conditions, including stress, anxiety, and depression
  • overweight or obesity

Sometimes treating an underlying condition can cure or reverse ED. However, most ED treatments are designed for temporary symptom relief, so an erection can be achieved that’s satisfactory for both the person with ED and their partner.

Best ED treatment for 70s and over

A variety of ED treatments are currently available. Researchers continue to develop new medications and other therapies.
For older adults, treating ED may require a two-prong approach:

  1. treat underlying conditions that contribute to ED, such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes
  2. address ED symptoms with oral medications or other alternatives

Medications

The most commonly used ED medications among older adults are from a class of drugs called phosphodiesterase-5 (PDE5) inhibitors.

PDE5 inhibitors block the activity of an enzyme in the walls of blood vessels. As a result, blood vessels are able to relax. In the penis this means more blood can fill the blood vessels, producing an erection.

The main PDE5 inhibitors available with a prescription are:

  • sildenafil (Viagra)
  • tadalafil (Cialis)
  • vardenafil (Levitra)
  • avanafil (Stendra)

Except for avanafil, all of those medications are available in both brand-name and generic versions. (As of 2020, avanafil is still only sold as the brand-name drug Stendra.)

More ED medications are in the testing and approval process. In the United States, PDE5 inhibitors require a prescription. None are available over the counter.

Side effects from these medications are usually temporary and minor. More serious reactions such as priapism (a painful, prolonged erection) may occur in some cases.

Typical side effects include:

  • headache
  • flushing
  • congestion
  • stomach and back pain

ResearchTrusted Source indicates that PDE5 inhibitors are appropriate for most older adults.

Each medication works a little differently. For example, vardenafil usually works faster than the other medications, while tadalafil’s effects last longer.

Tadalafil is often a good choice for older adults who also have an enlarged prostate because it can be prescribed for daily dosing.

Sildenafil should be taken on an empty stomach and may require dose adjustments to get it right.

Talk with your doctor to find the right ED medication for you and your lifestyle.

Who shouldn’t take these meds

People who have certain health conditions, including heart disease, shouldn’t take these medications.

People who take certain medications to manage another health condition shouldn’t take PDE5 inhibitors either. This includes nitrates and alpha-blockers.

Older men are more likely to have heart disease or take nitrates for blood pressure.

Your doctor will take into consideration your overall health and lifestyle when prescribing an ED medication.

Injections

For older adults who find that PDE5 inhibitors don’t produce the results they want or who don’t like their side effects, self-administered penile injections may be a preferred option.

The three most widely used medications for penile injection therapy include:

  • papaverine
  • phentolamine
  • prostaglandin E1 (PGE1) or alprostadil (Caverject, Edex, MUSE)

To use these, you inject the medication into the penis with a syringe before intercourse. While this approach often results in some minor, temporary pain, research shows that about 90 percentTrusted Source of men who used alprostadil were satisfied with the results.

These medications are often used in combination with other treatments and require dosing adjustments. Your first injection should be done in your doctor’s office so they can make sure you do it correctly and safely.

Who shouldn’t use these

Older adults who feel they or their partner can’t carefully administer an injection should consider other options, whether due to lack of dexterity or other reasons.

Taking blood thinner medications is another reason to avoid injectables.

Inflatable prosthesis

If oral or injected medications can’t be used or don’t provide desired results, another ED treatment is an inflatable prosthesis surgically implanted in the penis.

In a 2012 studyTrusted Source of men ages 71 to 86, researchers found that an inflatable penile prosthesis was well tolerated and largely effective in treating ED.

Because it’s a surgical procedure, it carries the slight risks of infection or other complications. It’s important to go over all the risks and benefits of this treatment approach with your doctor. Together you can decide whether your overall health makes you a good candidate for the procedure.

It’s also important to note that an implant is permanent. It would only be removed under certain circumstances, such as infection or malfunction.

Once you have a penile implant, it permanently alters the penile anatomy. This means other treatments can’t be used after it’s placed.

Lifestyle changes

While not a specific treatment, making some changes in your day to day can make a noticeable difference in erectile function. Some helpful strategies include:

  • quitting smoking
  • limiting or avoiding alcohol or substance use
  • maintaining a moderate weight
  • exercising more often than not
  • following a healthy diet that supports cardiovascular health, such as the Mediterranean diet

Why these treatments?

PDE5 inhibitors are widely used among older adults because they’re generally safe, effective, and convenient.
Because ED medications are taken on an “as needed” basis, there isn’t the same concern about missing a dose that there may be with potentially lifesaving drugs, such as high blood pressure medications or blood thinners.

Older adults who find the side effects of PDE5 inhibitors too uncomfortable may prefer injections. Those who are used to self-administering medications, such as people who give themselves insulin shots to treat diabetes, may be more comfortable with penile injections.

Penile implants avoid the concerns about side effects altogether. And since the body’s response to medications can change over time, an implanted prosthesis also means not having to worry about changing medications or dosages.

How effective is it?

ED treatments vary in how long each one is effective, as well as side effects. Regardless of which kind of treatment you choose, there are some important facts to keep in mind:

  • ED medications typically take 30 to 60 minutes to become effective. Medications such as sildenafil usually wear off in about 4 hours or so, while tadalafil’s effects can linger for nearly 36 hours. Your general health and other factors will affect these time estimates.
  • If you don’t get the results you want from one PDE5 inhibitor, a different one may be a better match.
  • ED medications don’t cause erections. Sexual stimulation is still required to become aroused.
  • As you get older, you may require more stimulation to become aroused than you did when you were younger.
  • An erection triggered by a penile injection may occur within 15 minutes, though sexual stimulation may still be required for the medication to work.
  • Recovery from inflatable penile prosthesis surgery can take 4 to 6 weeks. This means no sexual activity or great physical exertion should take place during that time. Once you’re free to engage in intercourse, the prosthesis takes only minutes to be inflated.
  • Lifestyle changes, such as strategies that boost cardiovascular health and weight management, have also been proven to be effectiveTrusted Source.

Is it safe?

ED medications can be taken safely with most other medications, though they shouldn’t be used if you take nitrates or alpha-blockers.

The combination of PDE5 inhibitors and these medications could causeTrusted Source a dangerous drop in blood pressure.

People with heart disease or kidney disease should discuss the use of PDE5 inhibitors with their doctor. They may prescribe a lower dose, which may or may not help you achieve the results you want.

Injections pose different risks than oral medications as it may be possible to hit a blood vessel or nerve with the syringe. Also, scarring is possible. It’s best to make the injections in different places each time to reduce scarring.

Implant surgery is generally safe, and the technology is constantly improving. It’s important to find a surgeon who has ample experience with this procedure.

When to see a doctor

You can often chalk up occasional episodes of ED to stress, fatigue, relationship conflicts, or other temporary conditions. They don’t necessarily indicate a problem that needs medical attention.

But frequent problems with ED can point to the need for medical attention, especially if the ED is affecting relationships, self-esteem, and quality of life. Talk with your doctor or a urologist if this is the case for you.

Having that conversation is also important because ED can sometimes be an early symptom of diabetes or cardiovascular disease. Your doctor may want to order blood tests and other screenings to check for these underlying conditions.

The bottom line

ED at any age can be a troubling condition. Among older adults, it may be more expected, but it’s nevertheless still a concern.

ED medications and other treatments have a track record of effectively and safely treating ED symptoms in older adults.

Proper treatment starts with a frank conversation with your doctor. Don’t be embarrassed to have this conversation. Rest assured your doctor has the same talk with many other people, year in and year out.

It’s also important to talk openly and honestly with your partner. ED is simply a health condition. It should be approached thoughtfully in a straightforward manner, in the same way you would address any other condition, like arthritis or high blood pressure.

Counseling may also be helpful for both you and your partner while you seek the right medical care for this common concern.

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An explainer on the female orgasm

— How exactly does it work?

Let’s get that O.

By EVANGELINE POLYMENEAS

Many have looked far and wide in search of the elusive female orgasm. Those who have experienced one from penetrative sex have the power to congregate vulva owners everywhere to tell the tale of how they reached climax. The journey is filled with awkward moments, queefs and repetitive movement but they’ve lived to tell the tale and the rest of us want answers.

There is a myriad of myths surrounding the female orgasm and an oversaturation of misinformation. When I Googled it, millions of results appeared all promising 11 different types of female orgasms. If there are so many options, why is it so hard to get just one?

Too many of my friends answer a resounding ‘no’ to the question of whether they orgasmed during their latest sexual escapade, so I spoke to sex and pleasure coach, Clarke Rose, in an attempt to understand why.

“There is a huge orgasm gap. A lot of people with vulvas aren’t cumming,” Clarke tells me. So it’s a national pleasure emergency. Maybe we just don’t know what we’re searching for, so what is an orgasm exactly?

“An orgasm is such an expansive thing to define,” Clarke says. “I like to think of orgasms in a non-clinical sense as a high index of pleasure for anybody who’s feeling it. Technically speaking, it’s a peak of intense pleasure that sometimes creates altered states of consciousness and is usually accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.”

Essentially, euphoria. That sounds all well and good, but what about the other 10 orgasms Google promised? I ask Clarke whether there are different sorts of female orgasms and the answer was not what I was expecting.

“Yes and no. Orgasm can be stimulated from different parts of your body, [for example], some people can have an orgasm from their nipples being stimulated, some from anal sex, others from penetration, but they all achieve the same orgasm. It’s not like you have a vaginal orgasm or a clitoral orgasms. They are all the same thing, they are just being stimulated from a different area.”

Clarke notes that only 30 per cent of women can trigger orgasm from internal stimulation and that percentage doesn’t differentiate between whether the penetration was accompanied by clitoral stimulation or not. She attributes this low percentage to differences in anatomy. “It’s a matter of how much your urethral sponge, which sits right about the G-spot, is sensitive and full of erectile tissue.”

Clarke says we tend to hierarchise female orgasms in ways that we don’t with male orgasms. “For a woman, people ask whether they can cum from their clit, or vagina, or whether they can have a nipple orgasm, whereas with men, no one is asking if they had a blowjob orgasm, or a penetrative orgasm – their orgasms just get to be orgasms.”

Penis owners seem to orgasm so easily, so I wondered if there was a difference between male orgasms and female orgasms. “Anatomically speaking it’s super interesting because a person who has a penis, orgasms for biological reasons,” Clarke explains. “They need to orgasm to ejaculate for the sperm to come out and make a baby.”

She goes on to explain that there is no biological need for females to orgasm. At first, this idea might seem anti-feminist, but Clarke explains that it’s actually quite interesting. “When we were foetuses, we were made up of all the same parts [as males], we [females] just develop differently. People with vulvas got this ability to orgasm because men can, which is a fantastic bonus to our sexuality without the pressure of needing to [orgasm] every time or we fail.”

Despite the lack of biological pressure to orgasm, a lot of vulva owners can’t seem to reach climax with partners but have less of a problem on their own. So what’s the barrier that’s stopping many of us from achieving the big O?

“When we are with somebody, other things come up – maybe we are a little bit self-conscious, or afraid to ask for what we want, or are too focused on our partners,” Clarke explains. “Whereas when we are on our own, we can make whatever weird face we want. A lot of women also use toys to masturbate which makes it really easy. However, when you’re with a partner and they are just using their hand or tongue, it doesn’t compare to whatever eight-speed vibrator you have at home. It can be a bit more difficult for your body and mind to recognise that as a trigger for orgasm.”

Although there are definitely micro reasons that could prevent partner orgasms, women’s orgasms have been repressed at a cultural level as well. “Our culture prioritises male anatomy and male pleasure. We all understand the anatomy of a penis, it’s so drilled into our heads, but we don’t understand the anatomy of a vulva. Historically we have repressed women’s sexuality. We want women to be receptive, polite and pleasing and not cause a big fuss,” explains Clarke.

Men have seen themselves in porn and in sex scenes in film and television ask for what they need sexually and receive it. They have heard the language required to ask, but women haven’t. It seems unnatural to ask for what we want, and Clarke says a lot of men probably don’t know how to listen without their ego getting involved.

“If you can’t orgasm and it’s really stressing you out, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women who can’t. Definitely look into seeing a sexologist or a sex coach if it’s something you want to work on,” says Clarke. The female orgasm is complex and it’s complicated, but we all deserve to reach it if we want to.

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to orgasm a certain way,” Clarke says. “Whether you cum with a vibrator, or by your hand, or whether you can cum on your own or with a partner – however you orgasm is valid. Period. Don’t put extra stress on yourself to cum upside down with mind stimulation – however you cum is beautiful.”

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Being more vulnerable with your partner can improve intimacy

— Here are 6 tips for letting your guard down

By Rebecca Strong

  • Being vulnerable with your partner can improve trust, communication, conflict, and your sex life.
  • Sharing your needs, hopes, fears, and emotions can feel scary if you’ve been hurt in the past.
  • Therapists suggest starting slow, using physical touch, and telling your partner how they can help.

Many people crave intimacy in relationships — but true intimacy requires vulnerability, according to Samantha Saunders, a licensed professional counselor in private practice.

Vulnerability in a relationship means you feel able to express your real needs, desires, thoughts, fears, and feelings with your partner. In short, you share your whole self, no matter the risks.

Of course, since letting your guard down creates the potential for hurt or rejection, it can often feel scary to take that leap — especially if someone broke your trust in a past relationship.

So, maybe you hold back the words “I love you” for fear of how your partner might respond, or resist asking for help because you don’t want to seem weak.

As challenging as it might feel to open up to your partner, though, relationship experts say it’s worth making the effort.

Below, therapists share five key benefits of vulnerability, along with six tried-and-true tips for becoming more vulnerable in your relationship.

1. More productive conflict

Vulnerability during conflict can help you and your partner understand each other better, cultivate empathy for each other, and ultimately reach a resolution more quickly, says

Anna Hindell, a psychotherapist in private practice.

For example, taking responsibility for the fact that you said something hurtful to your partner — which requires vulnerability — may help them feel understood so they can move on more easily.

2. Improved ability to meet each other’s needs

No matter how well your partner knows you, they can’t predict your every need and want.

So, when you tell your significant other that you crave more physical affection, for instance, that act of vulnerability serves you both, Saunders says.

With that knowledge, your partner has a better chance of making those necessary adjustments — which means you’re more likely to feel happy, fulfilled, and supported as a result.

3. Increased trust

Trust is the backbone of any relationship. And when you can drop your guard, confide in your partner, and find they still love and accept you, that helps increase trust, Hindell says.

For example, say you tell your partner it bothers you when they forget to mention they’re running late. Doing this can build trust in two ways:

  • Your partner now knows you’ll be honest and transparent with them about your feelings.
  • If they apologize and show empathy for your feelings, you can trust they’ll validate your feelings in the future.

4. A more satisfying sex life

Bravely communicating your needs, likes, dislikes, and fantasies — also known as sexual communication — can prime you and your partner for more fulfilling sex, according to Laura Silverstein, a certified couples therapist and author of “Love Is an Action Verb.”

In fact, a 2022 review found that engaging in more sexual communication can lead to greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Examples of sexual communication include:

  • Sharing some feedback after sex about what did or didn’t feel good
  • Asking your partner if they’re willing to try something new next time you’re physically intimate

5. Greater self-acceptance

Vulnerability can also benefit you as an individual.

When you share your deepest desires, fears, and insecurities with your partner, you’re more likely to feel loved for who you really are, according to Saunders. You no longer have to hide your so-called “flaws,” because you have the reassurance that your partner loves all of you — not just the parts you allow them to see.

This can pave the way for greater self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-love, says Kalley Hartman, therapist and clinical director at Ocean Recovery.

And higher self-esteem can improve the quality of your relationships, in turn.

Tips for becoming more vulnerable

Whether you struggle with vulnerability or simply want to make this skill more of a priority in your relationship, these suggestions from experts can help you learn to let your partner in.

1. Start small

“If you’re nervous about opening up to your partner, start by sharing something simple that doesn’t feel too emotionally risky,” Saunders says.

Saunders suggests sharing a secret interest or passion with your partner — for example, a love of watching anime or building model trains — even if you don’t know how they’ll react.

By easing into vulnerability, you can slowly build trust and confidence so you can share deeper emotional truths over time.

2. Practice self-care

“In order to be vulnerable with your partner, you need to start out being kind to yourself,” Silverstein says.

According to Saunders, practicing self-care can help ensure you don’t get overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, or other emotions that arise while you’re preparing to open up.

She recommends using meditation, journaling, yoga, and breathing exercises to help ground you before engaging in vulnerable conversations.

3. Use “I” statements

Telling your partner they did something to upset you may, in some cases, trigger feelings of fear, anxiety, or shame.

This kind of vulnerability may spark some discomfort, and that’s natural — but keep in mind your partner can’t apologize, validate your emotions, or change their behavior if they don’t know how you feel.

Silverstein advises starting these conversations with an “I feel” statement.

For example:

I-statements like these are far less likely to put your partner on the defensive than accusations. Accordingly, they leave your partner in a much better position to show the empathy and understanding you need to encourage future vulnerability.

4. Admit you’re struggling

When you have trouble letting your guard down, one important step toward vulnerability involves admitting your struggle.

For example, you might tell your partner:

  • “I want to feel closer to you, but I have a hard time talking about my feelings.”
  • “It’s difficult for me to ask for help, even though I need it sometimes.”

If you can, you might also consider sharing why you shy away from vulnerability. Did you get hurt in a past relationship? Did your parents teach you that showing your feelings is a weakness?

Letting your partner know what they can do to encourage vulnerability may also make a difference.

For instance, you might say:

  • “I feel a lot safer sharing my feelings when you do so.”
  • “I’d love for you to ask how you can help when you notice I’m getting frustrated with a project.”

5. Initiate physical contact

If you have a hard time expressing your vulnerability in words, Silverstein suggests making more physical gestures to connect with your partner.

For instance, you might:

  • Make it a point to kiss them goodbye for work, if that’s not a typical part of your routine
  • Reach for their hand while you’re out for a walk
  • Gently touch their thigh or back when sitting in the car together

It’s OK to feel a little hesitant about this if you’re not used to initiating physical contact — but displays of affection like these can strengthen your bond. What’s more, these acts may make your partner feel loved and cared for — which can help them feel safer being vulnerable with you.

6. Seek support from a therapist

If you have trouble cultivating vulnerability in your relationship, Hindell advises working with a professional. A licensed couples therapist can help facilitate more vulnerable dialogue between you and your partner — and help you identify anything holding you back.

“A therapist can also offer guidance on communication strategies that will help each partner express themselves without fear of judgment or rejection,” Hartman says.

Insider’s takeaway

Vulnerability can foster trust, intimacy, and understanding while also enabling you to communicate and resolve conflict more effectively. Ultimately, these benefits can boost your relationship satisfaction overall.

That said, opening up about your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires can feel downright difficult at times. Therapists say it can help to start with small acts of vulnerability, let your partner in on your struggle, and seek support from a therapist as needed.

Above all, Hartman recommends patience. “It can take time to build trust and comfort with a partner, so don’t be discouraged if it takes longer than expected before you can truly let your guard down,” Hartman says.

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How I Get Strangers to Talk About Their Sex Lives

— I stop people on the bus, ask my cashier at CVS, or even beg my next-door neighbors.

By

My boyfriend held a cigarette in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other and said, “Are you fucking serious, Lys?” A few moments earlier, while lounging around a wicker table in his flowery backyard, I had flipped open my laptop and instructed him to tell me about all the women he’d slept with that week — or hooked up with, flirted with, even jerked off to. I told him to talk fast. My Sex Diaries column was due by EOD.

We were in an open relationship, insofar that I was pregnant via an anonymous sperm donor and he was a sexpot who could not be tamed. It was the only open relationship I’ve ever been in, and for that period of my life, it worked for me.

We banged out his diary together. I filed it. My editor had very few notes. The readers actually liked him, and all was good. It may sound strange, but I was happier producing such a vivid — and frankly, hot — diary than I was unsettled hearing about the multitudes of beautiful women my guy was going down on when I wasn’t around.

All this is to say that for the last eight years, Sex Diaries has come first. I mean, my children come first. My partner, Sam, whom I’ve been with ever since that guy, comes first. My parents and sister come first. But beyond all that, the weekly column always takes priority.

Normally, I don’t need to recruit friends or lovers for the column, but sometimes I do. The copy is due every Wednesday night — which sometimes means Thursday morning — so if I haven’t found a diarist by early in the week, I have to hustle.

Most of the time, I’m already engaging with a handful of potential diarists who’ve emailed me at sexdiaries@nymag.com with some info about themselves, hoping I’ll invite them to actually write one (which I almost always do). After that, I have to hope that they won’t flake or wind up being fraudulent or scary and that they’ll deliver something interesting, or at least coherent, for me to shape into a column. The diaries don’t pay, so there’s only so much pushing and probing I can do in good conscience. After all, no one owes me anything. In the end, about two in every five emails leads to an actual, publishable diary.

On the weeks when no one has emailed in or a diarist gets cold feet at the last minute, I stop strangers on the bus, at a local bar, or on the street — if they seem like passionate, horny, or simply authentic human beings — and ask them to sit with me for a half hour and entrust me with their stories.

“Hi. Sorry to bother you. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I write this column for New York Magazine called Sex Diaries — it’s pretty popular, honestly — where I profile someone’s love and sex life, or lack thereof, for a week. You can write it yourself, and I’ll clean it up for you. Or you can tell me everything here or later on the phone, and I’ll do the rest. We can disguise whatever you want in order for you to feel comfortable. But you have to remember that once it’s out there, I can’t take it offline, so you need to be okay with that … are you in?”

Occasionally, it works. Most people say that they have nothing remotely interesting going on — which, I’d argue, is still interesting! Other people are just too busy or private. Recently, a salesperson at CVS whom I approached thought I was hitting on him, and being a religious man and married, he was so offended and freaked out that he demanded I leave the store immediately. As I rushed out of there, pushing my son in his stroller, I actually started to cry.

Sometimes, I have to beg my neighbors, mom friends, or old high-school pals from my Facebook page to anonymously dish with me about their marriages, divorces, or affairs. And almost every week, I post something somewhere on social media, searching for random humans who will document their love and sex lives for me — for no good reason at all other than, perhaps, creative catharsis.

However it plays out, I try to make the experience as easy as possible for the diarists and to handle them with care. I make sure to protect their trust, and above all else, I never judge anything they tell me. When you tell me you’re having an affair, I will assure you that you’re not evil. When you tell me you’re hurting, I will share that I’ve been there too. When you tell me you’re weird, I will tell you that you’re cool as hell. And I will mean it all. Our relationships last only a few days and are driven by very direct questions and blind faith that we won’t lie to each other, then they’re over.

To understand my devotion to this column is to understand how it came to be mine and the freedom it has afforded me over the last eight years. In 2015, I decided to have a baby on my own for a lifetime of reasons you’ll have to buy my book to understand. I had always managed to make a decent living as a freelance writer, but at this point, there was no dependable work coming in, as I’d spent years trying to “break into Hollywood,” which wasn’t happening and slowly crushed me one disappointment after another. But I was pregnant, a marvelous thing, and I had faith that work would take care of itself somehow.

Out of the blue, an editor at The Cut asked me if I wanted to revive the column, which I had never heard of, explaining that it would be a weekly assignment with a steady paycheck. The work didn’t sound easy, but it didn’t sound hard either. Mostly, I saw the column as a gift. From New York, the media crowd, karma, or whatever. And I never stopped looking at it through that prism. Sex Diaries sustained me as I began life as a single mom. It solidified my role at The Cut, where I loved the people. And it gave me some writerly empowerment when I was feeling otherwise unwanted.

Sure, the column stresses me out sometimes. It’s a grind finding diarists every single week. I’ve only skipped two deadlines in all these years, and both were because I had preeclampsia with my pregnancies and was too out of it from the magnesium drip to resume work right away.

In the fall of 2019, we learned that HBO wanted to turn the Sex Diaries column into a docuseries, in which we’d document a week or two in someone’s sex life on film in the same spirit as we do in the column. This was fabulous news. I’d been chasing the TV scene for years, and it felt like this opportunity was another cosmic gift that I would never take for granted. But I knew that in the entertainment business, you had to fight every single day for a seat at the table. I had no reason to believe I’d be pushed out of the project, but I knew that I had to emphasize my value to the docuseries. To anybody who would listen, I said, “Let me handle the casting. You will never be able to cast this without me. No one knows how to find a Sex Diarist like I do.” Did I come across as too aggressive? Who cares! It was true.

So at 44 years old, my work life became unbelievably exciting and excruciatingly hard. My second child was still a baby, still breastfeeding, when we started casting and filming. A month later, COVID hit. Around this time, I got a book deal with a tight deadline and absolutely nowhere to write or think in peace. Politically, the world was burning down. My amazing kids, never amazing sleepers, kept us awake every single night. One of my best friends, the woman who taught me to advocate for myself, died of cancer — I cried for her all night, every night for many months. The weekly column was always due. The Zoom calls for the docuseries took up hours of my day despite the fact that no one even knew when we’d come out of this pandemic let alone feel romantic, sexual, or adventurous again.

Like all working moms, I was tired. But I had to cast this series, as promised. I revisited thousands of diarists I’d worked with throughout the years and asked if they’d be open to doing a diary without any anonymity and with cameras following them. Of course, the response was often “um, yeah, no.” I frantically called friends of friends who had cousins with roommates who were polyamorous, slut-positive, or simply lovestruck. I roamed the city, double-masked and desperate, sleuthing around for anybody who might be interested in talking about the sex they weren’t having with the lovers they weren’t seeing and the lives they weren’t living. I must have slipped into a thousand random DM’s per day, hunting for anybody who would indulge me. Instagram kept blocking my account, which would last only a few hours, thank God. I tracked down New Yorkers who belonged to sex clubs, posted provocative hashtags, or showed any sign that they were creative souls or open books. Our dream was for the cast to mirror an NYC subway car in terms of diversity. Eventually, with the help of the show’s amazing director and producers, we found our stars. Eight New Yorkers agreed to let us film their sex lives. None of them needed any convincing. They were all born for this moment. I did nothing, and they did everything.

Every week for what feels like forever, I’ve buckled down to “do a Sex Diary.” And because of that continuity — the ritual of it all — the column has unintentionally grounded me through the good and the bad. My tears are in those diaries. My hormones are in those diaries. A miscarriage is in those diaries. My childbirths are in those diaries. When I met Sam, my love, I was on deadline. When Biden won or our kids had COVID or we closed on our first house, I always had a diary to tend to.

My diarists have ranged from artists to engineers, sex workers, CEOs, and soccer moms, but they’ve all shared part of their lives with me, and through them, I’ve been afforded a healthy and effervescent work life that defies the drudgery of almost every other job I can imagine. To my mistresses, fuckboys, cougars, pillow princesses, and everyone in between, thank you. And to anyone curious about the column, email me, please.

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A Sex Researcher Explains Why Open Relationships Might Be The Future For Our Society

A Sex Researcher Explains Why Open Relationships Might Be The Future For Our Society

By Mark Travers

It’s easy to assume that open relationships don’t concern you, especially if you’re in a monogamous relationship or identify as a monogamist. But sex reseacher and NYU professor Dr. Zhana Vrangalova argues there is more to the story than meets the eye.

Research by Vrangalova, conducted in collaboration with Ashley Madison, an online married dating company, reveals that nearly half of partnered Americans are unsatisfied with the sexual aspects of their primary relationships. In fact, the report uncovered a number of findings that staunch monogamists might find concerning, such as:

  • More than half of people in committed relationships in America are uncomfortable sharing their sexual fantasies with their partners.
  • Two-thirds of Americans report fantasizing about having sex with other people. These fantasies include BDSM, non-monogamy, and multi-partner sex.
  • A third of partnered Americans say that their ideal type of relationship is some sort of openness if they could be assured it wouldn’t harm their primary relationship.

These results make it clear that non-monogamy is not a fringe desire and that non-monogamists, including adulterers, aren’t sexual outliers. But is the desire to be sexually active outside of your primary relationship amoral? A better question, according to Vrangalova, is why these desires feel so natural.

A dilemma of primal urges

We can find the roots of monogamy in our innate desire for long-term security and the evolutionary urge to have children. Fulfilling this need ensures, at least in principle, life-long trust and stability.

Vrangalova explains that while the need for security and companionship is present in every human being, there is another desire in all of us that can be at loggerheads with it. This is the desire for novelty, exploration, and experience-seeking. According to her, non-monogamy is a manifestation of this desire.

“There are evolutionary arguments to be made for both needs,” says Vrangalova. “Long-term relationships fill the need of security, trust, and stability, which is the most important basic need. However, that need is separate from experience-seeking. The reality is that humans have both of these needs.”

Our culture, Vrangalova warns, is currently too intolerant of what she calls ‘negotiated non-monogamy’ — which, for some couples, is a way to satisfy both needs.

“To start, we need to change the default assumption that we’re going to fall in love and never have outside sexual desires again,” says Vrangalova.

What we get wrong about open relationships

Vranglova points out that non-monogamy is usually viewed as a loophole for infidelity or promiscuity in our society. However, non-monogamy is far more complex and meaningful than that for most people who practice it.

Here are two myths about non-monogamy that circulate in our society:

  • People who ‘open up’ their relationships have fallen out of love but do not want to dissolve their bond completely. This type of thought process is binary in nature – i.e., if two people love each other, they will be monogamous and introducing non-monogamy signals the death of their relationship. However, many people who practice non-monogamy are still in healthy relationships with their primary partner.
  • A non-monogamous arrangement is essentially a free-for-all. Negotiated non-monogamy is based on principles of clear communication and boundaries. Both partners draw their individual lines as well as general rules for their relationship. This can include whether they want to listen to each other’s non-monogamous encounters or not.

Even after knowing this, trying out non-monogamy can be a challenge for people in committed relationships. Vrangalova believes that if one is truly interested in testing out non-monogamy in their relationship, taking baby steps is the way to go.

How you can flirt with non-monogamy

Vrangalova has worked with many couples to help them ‘open up’ their relationship without damaging it or overwhelming themselves through her online course. Here are three pieces of advice she gives for couples who want to dabble in non-monogamy:

  • Talk about your sexual fantasies. The starting point for any couple should be to have an open and honest conversation about the things they desire sexually. Shame can chip away at the strongest of bonds. Introducing non-monogamy in some form or fashion can ensure that partners do not end up resenting each other.
  • Go slow with non-monogamy. There are degrees of openness in any open relationship. In fact, you do not have to invite a ‘third’ into your relationship to enjoy non-monogamy, suggests Vrangalova. “You can invite what I like to call the ‘shadow of the third’ into your relationship through shared fantasies, conversations, shared porn consumption, going to ‘play parties’ but maybe just watching, and trying out apps that specialize in non-monogamous connections.”
  • Put effort into your sex life. We need to invest energy into our sexual satisfaction. The risk of infidelity — or undisclosed non-monogamy — increases with time in any relationship. Having more conversations about sexual fantasies can help. “It’s easier to maintain sexual desire than bring it back from the dead,” says Vranglova.

“We are entering a time of greater honesty,” Vranglova concludes. “It’s just a matter of time before the facade of monogamy falls. But don’t think of it as the end of long-term relationships.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why are some women still hesitant to masturbate?

“Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”

By BELLA BLACKWELL

Growing up, masturbation was often considered a taboo topic, shrouded in shame and awkwardness. The connotations surrounding female sexual pleasure (which largely do not apply to men) have understandably led to some women’s reluctance to try their hand at masturbation – literally.  

Fortunately, it’s become more normalised in recent times. Largely due to the pandemic and long lockdowns, vibrators and sex toys soared in popularity, with self-pleasure becoming the new self-care.

Many women (both single and in relationships) masturbate regularly, but not everyone is on board. According to certified sex coach Georgia Grace, there is a range of reasons why this may be the case. She lists “limited sex ed, not even knowing it’s a thing or how to do it, [and] living in a space that doesn’t allow for the privacy they need” as deterrents for some women.

Particularly for younger girls, female pleasure is rarely discussed and certainly not encouraged. For Amy*, who hasn’t masturbated, the topic never crossed her mind – it wasn’t spoken about at school or amongst her friends. “It wasn’t something I thought about and I didn’t think I was missing out on anything,” she tells me. 

Emma*, who’s also never masturbated, agrees. She explains “it wasn’t really talked about at all growing up, so it wasn’t on my radar in the slightest. I feel like I just missed the boat”. Sexual shame is a big thing for lots of women, who have been conditioned to see masturbation as weird or abnormal.

“I cringe at it and find it so awkward and taboo, it freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. Being alone and doing a sexual thing feels wrong, even though I know it’s not,” Amy* says. “Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”

When sexual pleasure involves another person, it can be hard to shift that mentality and delve into a solo session. For Sophie*, who is recently single, orgasms are overshadowed by thoughts of her ex-boyfriend, leaving her reluctant to masturbate. “I think it’s a combination of feeling really sad, so not feeling sexual, and having overpowering thoughts of associating sex to being with him and I’m not with him, so I’m not inclined to do it,” she says. 

Even though self-pleasure can be painted as uncommon, unnecessary, or even wrong, it actually provides benefits for your physical and mental health. You might’ve heard of the post-orgasm glow for our skin, but masturbation can do wonders for our minds, too. “Orgasm releases the feel-good neurochemicals dopamine and oxytocin… that improve your mood, create a natural high, [and] boost your satisfaction,” says Georgia. 

While those in relationships may see it as redundant, masturbation can also improve sex with a partner. It “helps you learn about your body and creates more awareness of what you like,” Georgia explains. But even with all these benefits, masturbation can sometimes seem daunting. If you’re ready to give it a go but still have no clue where to start, don’t stress.

Georgia suggests “take the goal out of masturbating”, as this can lead to a lot of frustration stemming from difficulty achieving an orgasm. It’s all about discovering what feels good for you and enjoying the process. 

Mindful masturbation practices can be a great way to start. “Place both hands on your body and ask yourself, ‘Where do I feel pleasure in my body?’ This feeling may be subtle or it may be obvious, whatever it is, be with it,” Georgia says. “Bring awareness to your body and continue this process of intending to feel for pleasure and scan your body as a whole. What do you notice?”

Masturbation is an opportunity to explore your body, so slow it down! “Take time to build arousal,” Georgia says. “Start with full body touch, lengthening your exhale, pouring lube on your body/genitals.” Then, move on to external stimulation. “With a full palm start stroking upwards, massaging your clit in circles, up and down, side to side, playing with pressure and speed,” Georgia tells me.

While clitoral arousal is great, you can also give internal stimulation a try. Many vulva owners will be familiar with the noble-yet-often-unsuccessful quest for the elusive internal orgasm. Try “using a ‘come here’ motion with your fingers or a toy to stimulate the G-spot,” she suggests.

It may take a second for vulva owners who are reluctant to masturbate to unlearn the shame they feel surrounding self-pleasure. But the key point to remember is no matter the method you choose, masturbation is totally normal, enjoyable, and healthy. Give it a go – you might like it.

*Names have been changed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You Should Be Using More Lube

Forget what you’ve heard—sexual lubricants are a nightstand essential.

By Jaina Grey

I love lube. To me, having sex without lube is like brushing your teeth with a dry toothbrush. It might get the job done, but the result is … sticky, kind of painful, and doesn’t leave you feeling refreshed. Lube is not an optional luxury that sits in the bedside drawer waiting for the “right moment.” Whether you are spending some intimate time with yourself, a partner, or many partners, an intimate lubricant should be involved.

No bedroom is complete without at least one or two varieties on hand, especially if you’re planning to use sex toys. (You should be using sex toys, but that’s another story.) As far as I’m concerned, lube is as essential for sex as condoms and clean hands. If I show up at someone’s house for a good time and there isn’t lube waiting on the nightstand, I’m heading out the door.

No Lube, No Boob

I was surprised to learn that not everyone is with me on this. In the (albeit mostly queer and Pacific Northwestern) bedrooms I’ve been in, lube has been as common as bedsheets and tarot cards. If you haven’t tried lube before, or if you have some reservations, that’s probably not your fault. There are powerful forces working to convince you that you should be out there raw-dogging it. Dark forces, gathering in the night, who seek only to chafe your genitals.

One of these malicious creatures is misogyny—it tells us that using an intimate lubricant is somehow a failing; that needing it for sex is a failure on your part or your partner’s. It whispers: How dare you not get wetter; there must be something wrong with your body.

Another monster under the bed is machismo. It tells us that using lube means you’re a bad lover and that you’ve failed to get your partner excited. It’s all nonsense. There is nothing wrong with your body. There’s nothing wrong with your technique. Sometimes bodies don’t do what we want them to and, surprise, surprise, sometimes genitals don’t behave in the way that movies, TV, books, and porn tell us they should.

Pleasure Is Not the Enemy

What’s disheartening is that these attitudes continue to shape not only a popular opinion but medical research into sexual health. Most of the studies I looked into while researching this story focused on intimate lubricants focus on curing a problem. I found only one or two that even mention sexual pleasure, and one of those is a study about how few articles about sexual health mention sexual pleasure. It’s 2022, can we please quit pretending that people shouldn’t enjoy getting off? Or that sexual pleasure isn’t important? Because it is. Put that Plymouth-Rock-Puritanical-Hester-Prynne nonsense in the rearview.

Maude Shine Organic Water-Based Lube

Anyone who has ever touched themselves knows that having a little extra something (saliva, naturally occurring moisture, etc) makes it feel better. And feeling good is the whole point! Water-based or silicone-based lubes made from high-quality ingredients can be like rocket fuel for your sexual pleasure.

Not only do they prevent chafing (and microscopic tears) on the most sensitive parts of your body, but they make things feel so much better. Lube is like sexual MSG. It makes everything better, and some people are weirdly afraid of it.

Let’s Get Down to Business

OK, so where do you start? Easy peasy: Order yourself a bottle of any unscented, unflavored, glycerin-free, water-based lube. You don’t want any scent, because when you’re in the thick of it, it’s going to make things smell weird. (It’s the same deal with flavored lubes.) Ideally, you want lubes that have as few ingredients as possible. Keep it simple.

Dame Alu Water-Based Lube

Brands like Sliquid fit the bill and feel great to use on any genitals, plus they’re inexpensive. In my experience, they can leave you feeling a little sticky afterward. For a more premium lube, I’d point you to ones from Maude or Dame. These lubes meet the above criteria but leave a nice clean finish and last a little longer when you’re using them.

The other major kind of lube you’ll encounter is silicone-based. These lubes are oil-based, meaning they last a lot longer than water-based lubes, as your body won’t absorb them as quickly; it makes them the most common choice for anal play and anal sex. However, they can interfere with vaginal flora, so it’s generally not advised to use them for vaginal play or vaginal sex.

There is also one other big caveat with silicone-based lubes: You can’t use them with silicone sex toys. Silicone lube can make silicone toys degrade over time. If you use silicone lube with a silicone toy, make sure you use a condom. My favorites here are from the same brands as above:Sliquid and Maude.

Other than that, my only remaining advice is this: Play! Play with yourself. Get a lube, set aside some time, grab a favorite toy, and go ham. The only way to learn how to use lubes is to use them, and the best way to practice is with yourself. Learn how well they apply, how much you like to use, and where the best place to store them is. Sex should be easy, be friction-free, and feel great—and a good lube will help with all three

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Outercourse the Same Thing as Abstinence?

— And 5 Other Questions, Answered

By Maisha Johnson

What is it?

Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.

For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.

Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.

Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.

Is it the same thing as abstinence?

It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.

Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.

For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.

If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.

What counts as outercourse?

Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.

Outercourse might include any of the following:

Kissing

Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.

Massage

Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.

Dry humping

That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.

Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)

Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.

Sex toys (in some definitions)

There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.

For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.

Manual stimulation (in some definitions)

You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.

Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.

Oral sex (in some definitions)

Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.

Anal sex (in some definitions)

Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.

Is pregnancy possible?

No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.

It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.

Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.

Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.

Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.

If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.

Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.

Are STIs possible?

Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.

Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.

For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.

Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.

To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.

What’s the point?

Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?

Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.

Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.

Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:

  • You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
  • One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
  • You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
  • You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
  • One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
  • You want to understand your own body more.
  • You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
  • You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
  • You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
  • You want to mix things up and try something sexual that’s not intercourse.
  • You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.

The bottom line

It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.

But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.

Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.

Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.

By Kathy Lette

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 8 Biggest Secrets Sex Therapists Wish Couples Knew

Those red flags in the bedroom might not be as troubling as you think.

By Dana Schulz

Talking about sex, especially to a stranger, is not something that comes naturally to a lot of people. It can bring up feelings of embarrassment, shame, or inadequacy—all of which is why even couples who seek out a sex therapist can skirt around the issue. This leads to a lot of misconceptions about intimacy, from thinking that having less sex means your partner is cheating to believing that sex toys are only for couples with major issues. That’s why we spoke to sex therapists to learn the biggest secrets they wish couples knew. Read on for expert advice that might change your whole outlook in the bedroom.

1 A change in frequency is normal… and chemical!

For many couples, one of the most worrisome signs in the bedroom is when they stop having as much sex. But if you’ve been together for a long time, this might not be quite the red flag you think it is.

“Understanding that desire changes, ebbs, and flows throughout life is normal,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, resident intimacy expert at 3Fun and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “We need to work with it, not have unrealistic expectations.”

According to Engle, there is something called New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is that intoxicating feeling of lust when we first meet someone new. “We are majorly all over each other because our brains are awash in feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” she says. “That’s why we feel so sexually aroused and horny all the time in new relationships—we don’t need as much of all the other situational factors.”

However, once we settle into a more comfortable and familiar pattern, “the love hormone or cuddle chemical oxytocin” decreases, according to Tatyana Dyachenko, sexual and relationship therapist at Peaches & Screams. She advises long-term couples to try something new in the bedroom to spike these chemicals.

2 Women get bored more often than men do.

Society tends to depict men as more likely to cheat and as having a larger sexual appetite. But according to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert at Luvbites, “research has found that women get bored of sex with their partner a lot faster than men.”

One such study that corroborates this was published in 2017 in the British Medical Journal. It found that women were twice as likely as men to lose interest in sex after a year of being together or while living with their partner.

Likewise, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy concluded that “women’s sexual desire was significantly and negatively predicted by relationship duration,” whereas that was not the case for men.

Suwinyattichaiporn says it’s important to understand this so partners of women can prioritize “passion, excitement, playfulness, and variety.”

3 Sometimes there is a lack of attraction.

This is a hard truth, but sometimes couples find themselves not having sex because one person has stopped finding the other attractive. “Many long-term couples don’t find their partner attractive and lose sexual interest in them,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

That doesn’t just mean physical attraction. If you’ve grown grumpy or no longer enjoy discussing the topics you used to, these could also hinder your partner’s desire. “The advice is rather simple, take care of yourself physically, mentally, and intellectually,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

It’s also important to note that women may find their partner less attractive during certain times of their menstrual cycle, according to a 2020 study published in Biological Psychology.

“Women’s hormone levels change across their ovulatory cycles, and these changes are likely to affect their psychology and, perhaps, the way they feel toward their romantic partner,” study author Francesca Righetti, an associate professor at the Department of Experimental and Applied Psychology at the VU Amsterdam, told PsyPost. “We found that the hormone that peaks just prior to ovulation, estradiol, was associated with more negative partner evaluation.”

4 Sex is more than penetration and/or an orgasm.

There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner, many of which don’t include penetration and don’t have to end in an orgasm.

“Anytime we hug, kiss, rub, squeeze, and nuzzle into a romantic partner, there is an intimate charge,” explains Engle. “This doesn’t involve the touching of genitals but is intimately based in that it allows us to meet the needs of sex like feeling desired, expressing desire, and connecting in a way unique to us as sexual partners.”

Realizing and appreciating this can take a lot of the pressure off couples who are struggling in the bedroom. “When we feel like every hug, kiss, and nuzzle is going to need to be followed up with sex, we start to avoid it. Allowing it to take root back in your relationship can be the balm that heals it,” Engle adds.

5 Sex toys don’t mean there’s a problem.

Sex therapists find that oftentimes their clients equate sex toys with a problem in their sexual intimacy. But that is not the case.

“Even couples who have great sex integrate sex toys into their sexual routine for new stimulations and deeper orgasms,” explains Dyachenko.

According to Engle, staying curious and trying new things is, in fact, one of the best ways to recreate some of that NRE energy. “Rekindled relationship energy is important because it encourages the new couple to spend time together and get to know each other,” she says. “It is the time where trust is built and the foundations of the relationships are established.”

6 Infidelity can strengthen a relationship.

Cheating is usually considered the most unforgivable offense in a relationship, but according to Lee Phillips, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, with the correct guidance, infidelity can actually strengthen a partnership.

“People usually do not wake up, and say, ‘I am going to cheat on my partner today.’ Usually, there is an emotional disconnection that has led to resentment causing this ultimate betrayal,” explains Phillips. “Couples can learn to identify why the infidelity occurred and heal from it by identifying a ‘new normal’ of their relationship … This is something that could have been missing for years.”

To work through an issue as complex as infidelity, it’s advisable to see a couple’s counselor.

7 Communication is key.

It might sound obvious, but sex therapists find that so many of their clients lose sight of how important it is to communicate about sex.

“There is this idea that when a couple has sex, they just do it. However, sex is about pleasure, and it is important to talk about what sex and pleasure mean to the both of you,” advises Phillips. She notes that in many cases, couples will discuss sex at the beginning of a relationship but not as time goes on. And, as we know, sexual desires and libidos change over time.

Nicole Schafer, LPC, a sex and relationship coach, adds that communication can itself be sexy. “Learn to take things slowly and draw it out. Take your time, focusing on the details of each other while communicating with your partner about what you like and don’t like, or what they love or wish you would do,” she suggests. “The build-up and attention to detail will make your time together phenomenal.”

8 Setting boundaries can help.

It’s important to remember that both you and your partner should never have to feel uncomfortable with sex.

“Boundaries can be healthy, and they are a way of showing respect to your partner,” says Phillips. “Here are some examples of boundaries: I know that you are feeling sexual, but I am just not in the mood, can we try this weekend? I am not a mind reader; can you please tell me what you are thinking? I am still thinking about what you said the other night, I need more time to think about it.”

Being open will help you both relax and be more receptive to intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!