The Ethical Slut turns 80

— A talk with poly fairy grandmother Dossie Easton

‘The Ethical Slut’ co-author Dossie Easton.

She co-wrote the book on living and loving openly. Here, she speaks to us about her decades of experience.

By Caitlin Donohue

Twenty-something me would have been verklempt: I was set to interview Dossie Easton, one of the co-authors of The Ethical Slut. The venerable sex and relationship therapist, educator, and self-proclaimed “SM diva” had just celebrated her 80th birthday (she celebrated by going to see Taylor Mac at Cal Performances, I would learn) and was due for some gassing up when it came to her lasting influence on sex education. 48hills was only too happy to oblige—we adore a slutty Bay Area legend.

Easton and her longtime co-author and lover Janet W. Hardy’s iconic book, originally published in 1997 and now on its third edition, broke onto the collective consciousness as the definitional text for those interested in living a life beyond monogamy. The duo went on to pen a passel of tomes for tarts: The New Bottoming Book (and its top-friendly sister volume), When Someone You Love is Kinky, and Radical Ecstasy: S/M Journeys to Transcendence among them.

But if you’re of a certain age and queer/polyamorous proclivity, The Ethical Slut was the book that has doubtlessly spent time on your bedside table, probably purchased on the recommendation of a crush whose language you were desperate to learn. Its impacts on our lexicon are undeniable, not the least of which being the reclamation of that titular term for those who bed without shame. Do you know what a “primary partner” is or what “compersion” feels like? Did you ever attend a SlutWalk? Conversely, was the media’s obsession with Jada Pinkett Smith’s entanglement truly baffling for you? Have you been driven to distraction by an irresponsible lover who willfully misuses the language of ethical non-monogamy? You likely have TES to thank.

Certainly, the book’s success changed Easton’s own dating life forever. “For some people it creates distance, because they get embarrassed,” says the curly-headed sex sage, Zooming in from her longtime home in Marin County. “I can understand that, because I get embarrassed around famous people myself.” But far more often: “People like me in advance, which is nice.” Indeed, who wouldn’t like a published author well-versed in lesbian fisting party protocol?

Of course, seismic cultural change has impacted our take on the pair’s seminal work. Easton was open in her discussion of how time has shaped views on The Ethical Slut, and the book itself.

“We started using less gendered language by the time we got to the second edition,” the educator, who continues to teach online seminars on navigating, tells me. “It was a consciousness thing that moved further and further for us.” Cursory sections on online dating and being BIPOC and poly were also added in later editions—two areas which Easton admits hypothetical further editions could further explore. But staying on top of emancipatory language around sex and gender does entail a steep learning curve. More recent editions of the book did still seem to rule out sexual coercion among gay men and center cis folk. Easton mentions that she saw gendered terms as necessary for describing situations in the book like those involving “somebody right after a baby was born”.  

There is no denying, however, that we have here a Bay Area sex education institution. Easton tells me she dropped out of “mainstream culture” when she was 18, discovering that psychedelics brought her closer to the spirituality she found lacking when she was growing up with a Roman Catholic family in small-town Massachusetts.

“By the time the ’60s rolled around, I was doing volunteer work.” Easton recalls. “I volunteered during the Summer of Love at the Haight Ashbury Medical Clinic, things like that, doing psychedelic crisis intervention. I didn’t have a license to practice then, but I volunteered at places like the battered woman’s shelter in the ’70s, and at San Francisco Sex Information, which is a wonderful switchboard that still exists. You can call up and have a trained volunteer answer your questions about sex, isn’t that nice? It’s celebrating its 50th anniversary sometime soon.”

The Ethical Slut’ co-authors Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Shortly after having her daughter, she left the last monogamous relationship she’d ever have, famously making a vow to forever live the poly life. Easton raised her kid (now 55) largely in communal living situations, crediting bathhouse-loving gay male housemates—who were at times deprived of contact with kids, in an era when the LGBTQs could little hope to be approved as adoptive parents—for teaching her that the s-word, at least, could be applied to all genders. To this day, she is a huge believer in the power of extended chosen families, particularly for people whose sexual orientation or practices places them outside the nuclear family industrial complex.

As advanced as her San Francisco community was, even by the late ‘80s when Easton attended graduate school to become a certified therapist, academia still had no idea what to do with non-monogamists. When they found about that it was a lived interest of hers, teachers would interrogate Easton about whether it was really possible for individuals to be happy outside of one-on-one relationships. “Then I found out that the professor who questioned me was well-known for coming onto other people’s wives. I was like, you’ve got to be kidding me,” she smirks.

Happily, times have changed somewhat and, the octogenarian reports, there are certain joys of being a slut elder. Easton hasn’t had a primary partner since 2010—she says she’s been single for roughly half of her adult life—but when she fell and hurt her elbow last year, recovery was distinctly and joyfully poly, with a community of past and present lovers and friends signing up to care for their fallen friend. “There was somebody at my house 24/7 for the first three weeks,” Easton says.

Another heartwarming ethical-slut-at-80-story: Though Easton split with a younger, former primary partner years ago due to the partner wanting to have kids, the two stayed in touch, with Easton eventually participating in the person’s touching “regeneration ceremony” and subsequently gaining two darling “fairy grandsons.” “I want people to understand that even when a breakup is really dreadful, you’re not required to somehow shut off that corner of your life and throw it in the trash. You can build something else,” she reflects.

1997 first edition cover of ‘The Ethical Slut’

If there’s one thing all of us who read The Ethical Slut recall, it’s the book relentlessly optimistic tone. It made you feel like this new world, in which we all merrily explore our sexual and gender identities, work on our jealousy and enjoy a plethora of partners should we get the hankering, is here, if you want it. But sadly, I write these lines in 2024. One of the United States’ woefully few major political parties has the imperilment of trans kids and racially-biased erasure of reproductive rights high atop its list of legislative priorities. Does Easton still hold with Martin Luther King Jr. that “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice”?

“I do,” she declares. “I was a teenager in the ’50s, for heaven’s sakes! […] It’s really scary, it really is, but they’re not going to be able to put the rabbit back in the hat. The information is out.”

If that sounds pat, know that she’s committed to ongoing efforts; Easton says she has “three manuscripts nagging at me”, one of them a vignette-laden journal that prompts readers to analyze their own needs and desires when it comes to sex and relationships. It reminds me of a story she told of an early revelation she had as a teen; that society did not have the right words for such a fundamental, fun part of human existence. In part, her career has been a mission to change just that.

“How do you talk about sex in a way that’s delightful?” asks the promiscuous fairy grandmother. “Wouldn’t that be dear?”

Complete Article HERE!

My Cervical Cancer Diagnosis Changed the Way I Think About Sex

— I’ll never approach sexual risk the same way again

By Andrea Karr

I’ve long been a fan of condom use and STI testing. I’m the woman who carries a rubber in her wallet *just in case* and heads to the lab a couple times a year to have my blood and urine screened for gonorrhea, syphilis and other sexually transmitted infections.

Occasionally, I’ve foregone the condom. I’d like a guy and we’d sleep together a few times. One night, he’d suggest that it would feel way better if we skipped protection. He’d keep the conversation light but would make it clear that we’d both have more fun if I’d loosen up. I wouldn’t want to come off as a killjoy or prude, so sometimes I’d give in. Each time it happened and I received a clear STI test afterward, I’d sigh with relief and go on with my life.

But then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer after a routine Pap test when I was 35. The fastest increasing cancer in females in Canada and third most common cancer in Canadian women ages 25 to 44, cervical cancer is almost always caused by human papillomavirus (HPV), an STI with more than 200 strains that can also cause vaginal, vulvar, penile, anal and oropharyngeal (a.k.a. throat, tonsils, soft palate and back of the tongue) cancer. HPV often has no symptoms, and cervical cancer can take one or two decades to develop after infection. Though condoms don’t guarantee protection, they reduce the risk of transmission.

Cervical cancer is no joke for a woman’s wellbeing and fertility. I was very lucky that my cancer was caught at the earliest stage: 1a1. I required two small surgical procedures (called LEEPs) to remove the cancerous cells, and now I get checkups every three months. If it was caught later, I might have needed a hysterectomy, radiation and/or chemotherapy, which could have harmed my eggs or put me into early menopause.

The phrase “it’s cancer” is something we hope to never hear in our lifetime. Those little words changed my life. As a result, I spent a lot of time looking back on my sexual relationships. I regretted ever having sex at all at first. Sex is what gave me cancer! But then I realized that just being alive carries risk, and I don’t want to avoid intimate relationships, which can be so crucial to physical, emotional and mental wellbeing, just because I could get hurt.

Instead of abstaining from sex, I decided I wanted to get educated about my risk, then develop clear boundaries that I can confidently communicate to a partner. I also want to break down the guilt or shame I feel about being a “killjoy” or “prude.” I have a great justification: a history of gynecological cancer. But no one should need a life-altering event to justify having sexual boundaries.

Still, it’s not easy. “As a woman, you’ve been told your whole life that if you stand up for yourself, if you don’t go with the flow, you are difficult, and that it’s not feminine to be difficult,” says Frederique Chabot, sexual health educator and acting executive director at national organization Action Canada for Sexual Health and Rights. She’s referring to the way most girls and women are socialized growing up. “In romantic or sexual scenarios, there are many things that can put you at risk of retaliation, of reputational damage, of harassment. There is the pressure put on women to say ‘yes,’ people asking, asking, asking, asking. That’s not consent. That is getting pressured into doing something you’re not willing to do.”

A woman's legs and a man's legs intertwined in bed

I’m now comfortable with having a detailed chat about sexual history, STI testing, HPV vaccination and condom use before I get into bed with someone. Of course, it’s not only on me. Men are at risk for HPV and other STIs too.

So far, I’ve had this conversation with two guys. One responded badly; now he has no place in my life. The second agreed to have a fresh STI test before we had sex. He also looked into the HPV vaccine, which he ended up getting, and he is okay with consistent condom use. We’ve been dating for almost a year.

I know that every woman in the world won’t share the same boundaries as me. That’s okay. But there are potential risks to sexual contact, even though our hook-up culture likes to pretend otherwise. It’s about deciding how much risk you can live with and then feeling empowered to communicate that. I won’t let my desire for acceptance compromise my sexual health going forward. I hope, after hearing my story, no one else will either.

“Instead of abstaining from sex, I decided I wanted to get educated about my risk, then develop clear boundaries that I can confidently communicate to a partner.”

Ways to be proactive

HPV vaccination

In Canada, Gardasil 9 is the go-to HPV vaccine and it protects against nine high-risk strains of HPV that cause cancer and genital warts. Health Canada currently recommends it for everyone aged 9 to 26, and it’s offered for free in schools sometime between grades 4 and 7, depending on the province or territory. Though it’s most effective when administered before becoming sexually active, it can still have benefits later in life. I wasn’t vaccinated at the time I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and all my healthcare practitioners told me to get vaccinated immediately. The Canadian Cancer Society recommends the HPV vaccine for all girls and women ages 9 to 45Regular Pap tests

In Canada, most provinces and territories rely on Pap tests to check for cellular changes that, if left untreated, may lead to cervical cancer. Generally, the recommendation is to go to your doctor or a free sexual health clinic every three years (if everything looks normal) starting at age 21 or 25. I had no symptoms for cervical cancer; it was caught early thanks to a routine Pap test. You still need to go for regular Pap tests even if you’ve been vaccinated, you’ve only had sex one time or you’re postmenopausal.

HPV testing

Free STI tests that you can get through your family doctor or a sexual health clinic do not check for HPV. They usually test for chlamydia and gonorrhea (and maybe also syphilis, HIV and hepatitis C). If a sexual partner tells you they’ve had a clear STI panel, they’re probably not talking about HPV since it’s a test that comes with a fee.

P.E.I. and B.C. are transitioning from Pap testing every three years to HPV testing every five years. HPV testing is more accurate than Pap testing. It can detect certain strains of high-risk HPV with about 95 per cent accuracy, while Pap tests are only about 55 per cent accurate at detecting cellular changes on the cervix, which is why they need to be done more frequently.

The shift to provincially covered HPV screening in other provinces is slow. Ontario, for example, may be years away from the transition.

DIY testing

Canadian company Switch Health has launched a self-collection HPV test that can be ordered online for $99. You do your own internal swab, mail your results to the lab and get your results from an online portal—it can take as little as a week. It screens for 14 high-risk strains of HPV, including types 16 and 18, which cause 70 per cent of cervical cancers and precancerous cervical lesions. If you test positive for one of the strains, you should see your family doctor, and if you don’t have one, Switch “will work to set you up with one of our partners for a virtual or in-person appointment,” says co-founder Mary Langley.

The cost may be a barrier, plus privately purchased DIY tests aren’t supported by the infrastructure that there is for Pap testing. “There are quality control checks in place. There’s evidence review on a regular basis. Many people will receive letters from [their provincial health agency] telling them they’re due for their Pap,” says Dr. Aisha Lofters, a scientist and family physician at Women’s College Hospital in Toronto. But if you aren’t getting regular Paps because you don’t have easy access to a doctor or you’re uncomfortable going in for the test, it’s a lot better than nothing.

Complete Article HERE!

The Lesbian Bed Death could be plaguing thousands of women

Lesbian Bed Death is a contraversial term used to describe gay couples’ sex lives

By

It may be 2024, but one controversial term from the 1980s is coming back from the grave.

Lesbian Bed Death is, simply put, the idea that lesbian couples have less sex.

It’s a sweeping generalisation of the gay community, but why has it gained traction?

‘Research by Blumstein & Schwartz in 1983 showed 47% of women in long term lesbian relationships (two plus years) reported having sex zero to one times per month. There was a sharp decline after two years,’ Miranda Christophers, psychosexual and relationship therapist for menopause platform Issviva tells Metro.co.uk.

Further studies including a literature review by Peplau & Fingerhut in 2007 found that lesbian couples have sex less frequently, on average, than other couple configurations.

Miranda also points to a recent 2021 study, by Chapman University in California, which found women in five-year relationships or longer have less frequent sex than their heterosexual counterparts.

About 43% of the coupled lesbian participants had sex zero to one times per month, while the findings for the heterosexual women was 16%, implying more straight women had more frequent sex.

There is research which suggests lesbian couples have less sex than heterosexual couples
There is research which suggests lesbian couples have less sex than heterosexual couples

While we certainly aren’t going to buy into the idea that all lesbian women have, and are content with, sexless relationships, Miranda explains why sex could die out.

‘Lesbian couples, but broadly speaking, anyone of any sexual orientation, do see a change in the frequency of sex over long term relationships,’ she adds.

‘Earlier on there is more sexual drive and exploration, regardless of gender identity – especially when you live together and experience that domesticity and familiarity.’

But why is this the case for lesbian women specifically?

Miranda says that hormonal changes can really impact the frequency with which women choose to have sex.

‘The hormonal fluctuations may play a big part, people have periods where they might feel more desire than others,’ she explains.

‘Studies have shown that responsive desire occurs more commonly in females than spontaneous desire, which is definitely something I see in my clinical work.

‘If you’ve got two people together who experience more responsive desire, they might be less inclined to have sex because they aren’t wanting to initiate.’

Miranda believes one of the reasons lesbian couples could have less sex is because of hormonal changes
Miranda believes one of the reasons lesbian couples could have less sex is because of hormonal changes

Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, estimates that around 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire, which is exactly what it suggests.

Meanwhile, 5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire, which is when arousal only happens after stimulation.

How to navigate responsive arousal:

Sex therapist Laura’s top tips for dealing with responsive arousal (and recognising when you actually want to have sex) are as follows:

  • Understand that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you’re normal.
  • Try different things to spark your sex drive. You have no desire for sex until you are in the process of receiving some physical stimulation so you need to find out what works for you.
  • Understand how you get turned on. The point is to find out if you notice any sign of sexual arousal in response to stimulation and when exactly it happens.
  • Practice orgasm breathing. It can really help to relax, increase sensitivity, and switch off the brain. This practice helps bring arousal and orgasm closer.
  • Work on external factors – if a person is not aroused by erotic thoughts or fantasies, some other factors can do their part – preparing an intimate setting or practicing with various erogenous zones, toys.

Everybody’s libido is different, so enjoy getting to know yourself without the pressure, and have fun doing it!

The other thing women experience which can wreak havoc on their hormones, and subsequently affect their sex drive, is the menopause.

‘The menopause affecting sex drive is definitely a thing. When women hit perimenopause they can notice changes in their sexual desire. It’s a really, really common presentation in the women I see,’ Miranda explains.

Some menopause symptoms that could impact your sex life are breast tenderness, low mood, worsening PMS, vaginal dryness and changes in discharge, thrush, BV, low libido, urinary infections, sexual dysfunction, fatigue, increased period frequency and insomnia – to name a few.

‘How women are feeling in themselves changes… body image changes,’ Miranda adds. ‘They may experience sexual discomfort, or they may be less sexual, there may be less sensitivity.

‘There may also be less lubrication or increased dryness and the vaginal tissue might thin and become more painful.

‘These sorts of things are obviously going to have an effect on [your sex life] because if sex isn’t feeling as enjoyable, or is feeling painful, then you are less inclined to want to do it.’

When you have two women experiencing these changes (assuming couples are of a similar age) this could in theory lead to lesbian women having less sex, Miranda explains, although there are plenty of women who still have sex despite the menopause and with HRT, hormones can be balanced for some women.

Ultimately lesbian bed death isn't applicable for a lot of lesbian couples and as long as a couple is happy with their sex life, the frequency of sex doesn't matter
Ultimately lesbian bed death isn’t applicable for a lot of lesbian couples and as long as a couple is happy with their sex life, the frequency of sex doesn’t matter

Why we should reject the Lesbian Bed Death

This ‘drop off’ of sexual intimacy certainly won’t be the case for all lesbian couples though. It’s also important to remember that our sex lives sit on a spectrum, according to Miranda.

Largely, Lesbian Bed Death should be a term taken with a pinch of salt – after all, to reduce lesbian women in long term relationships to cohabiters is plain wrong.

In fact, a study has shown that while lesbian women were found to have less frequent sex, the sex they did have was ‘more prolonged, intense, and orgasmic’, than those in heterosexual relationships.

The Chapman University study also found women in same-sex relationships were found to be more likely to experience orgasm at 85%, versus 66% in heterosexual relationships.

Lesbian women also had sex that lasted more than 30 minutes (72%), versus 48% for heterosexual women.

What areas did lesbian couples have more frequent sex in?

  • Oral sex: lesbian (53%), heterosexual (41%)
  • Deep kissing: lesbian (80%), heterosexual (71%)
  • Stimulation by hand: lesbian (90%), heterosexual (83%)
  • Use of sex toys in partnered sex: lesbian (62%), heterosexual (40%)
  • Discussed erotic fantasies: lesbian (44%), heterosexual (36%)

Percentages were higher for lesbians when it came to mood setting activities including using music, candles, saying ‘I love you’, scheduling time for sex and arranging romantic breaks.

Miranda also says that the implications of a death bed are pretty dire, when actually some lesbian couple’s sex lives may not suffer at all.

‘This concept of lesbian bed death, is it’s almost this idea sex is going to drop off completely,’ she explains. ‘It sounds like it’s going to meet an abrupt ending at some point, doesn’t it? I think that’s a complete misconception.’

She adds: ‘It’s a bit scare mongering. For some couples, if neither party is bothered, then less or no sex is not an issue – it’s an issue when one wants to have sex and the and the other doesn’t.

‘That’s also regardless of whether it’s a same sex couple or an opposite sex couple.’

While Miranda does see plenty of women struggling with a lack of desire, a lack of sex or intimacy but that’s because she only sees people who are struggling with their relationships in her line of work.

There are countless lesbian couples who aren’t experiencing Lesbian Bed Death and are have sex as and when they want.

‘I see both same sex and opposite relationships who are experiencing desire discrepancy so my observations are that desire, interest, frequency and enjoyment of sex is not determined by gender, sexuality or relationship configuration,’ Miranda says.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is “Natural” for Human Sexual Relationships?

— A biological and anthropological researcher explains how humans’ diverse ways of mating might have evolved.


Members of a pro-polyamory group march in Toronto’s 2018 LGBTQ Pride Parade.

By Rui Diogo

Marrying more than one person constitutes a crime across most of the Americas and Europe. But in countries including Mali, Gambia, and Nigeria, more than a quarter of the population lives in polygamous households.

Survey the sex lives of Homo sapiens, and you’ll find couples, throuples, harems, and other arrangements of lovers. Fidelity, adultery, and ethically non-monogamous unions. How could one species have evolved myriad ways to mate? Concerning sex, what is natural for us humans?

A green book cover features two images at the top: a painting of a person and a photo of two adults and two children gathered in a forest. Beneath the images, large white text reads, “Meaning of Life, Human Nature, and Delusions.” Smaller blue text reads, “Rui Diogo” and “How Tales About Love, Sex, Races, Gods, and Progress Affect Our Lives and Earth’s Splendor.”

As an evolutionary biologist and anthropologist, I am often asked that question. The answer is complex. It also goes to the heart of the nature versus nurture debate, a topic that I have been discussing for several years, including in my latest book, Meaning of Life, Human Nature, and Delusions.

As discussed in that book, the scientific and historical evidence suggests that our earliest human ancestors, after we split from the chimpanzee lineage some 7 million years ago, were mainly polygamous. Individuals had various sexual partners at the same time. Fast forward to today, and humans exhibit diverse mating arrangements due to a greater influence of culture and tradeoffs between sexual desire, comfort, and jealousy.

how humans mate

Numerous lines of evidence contribute to my understanding of human mating habits.

As a biologist, I turn to the sex lives of nonhuman primates: Most species appear polygamous, including our closest relatives, chimpanzees. For these apes, both males and females have several hetero- and homosexual partners.

Fossils indicate the earliest hominins—the evolutionary branch leading to humans after its split from chimps—resembled upright walking apes. Considering these first human ancestors looked and acted like apes in many ways, it’s likely they mated polygamously.

But putting on my anthropologist’s hat and observing humans today, I notice a considerable variety of mating systems. Different cultures enforce or reinforce very different sexual practices. For instance, in some regions of Tibet, a woman can live with several husbands (polyandry). In countries such as Pakistan, men typically live with more than one wife (polygyny).

Across dozens of Indigenous Amazonian societies, pregnant women and those trying to conceive have sex with different men based on the idea of “shared or partible paternity.” According to people who hold this belief, semen from multiple fathers contribute to a developing fetus. A woman might have sex with the community’s fastest runner and best hunter to pass on these desirable traits to her child.

So how did mating habits evolve from our polygamous primate past to our variable human present?

Cultural differences can overtake biological foundations, as numerous historical cases evidence. For example, ancient texts indicate that men imposed monogamy upon women—but not necessarily on themselves—when agriculture emerged in several regions around the globe. As historian Stephanie Coontz has argued, farming lifestyles created notions of private property, which extended in some places to greater subjugation of women. In the early farming societies of ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia, wedding rings, worn by the wife, symbolized that she was owned by her husband. Patriarchs from the Bible’s Old Testament such as Jacob and David had multiple wives.

TRADEOFFS AND CULTURE

This brings us to the nature versus nurture debate, which is crucial for understanding love, sex, and marriage. A person’s natural biological drives may differ from behaviors they’ve absorbed through nurture, or their upbringing in a particular culture. (The nature/nurture debate itself proves to be problematic because, for social animals like humans, biology and culture intertwine.)

But, as I see it, monogamous marriage is mostly a cultural imposition, associated with three conflicting drives: sexual desire, comfort, and jealousy.

Sexual desire, grown from our polygamous primate roots, makes people want many partners or at least sexual novelty. I suggest that is why some married partners try to introduce novelty by wearing sexy underwear or otherwise changing routines. Providing a somewhat quantitative measure, studies have shown that changing sexual partners in swing clubs or while watching pornography often reduces a penis’ recovery (“refractory”) period between orgasm and the next erection.

However, two other emotions also play key roles in shaping our mating habits. One is jealousy, which derives from territoriality, a trait observed in most primates. Monogamy can diminish jealousy but may leave one sexually desiring more.

In some cases, those with power have enjoyed reduced jealousy and many sexual partners. For example, certain rulers have maintained harems with dozens of wives, but those women were expected to only sleep with their shared husband. Similarly, sexist religious narratives have been used to justify men keeping several wives but not the opposite.

The third critical emotion is comfort or familiarity. If, say, you develop cancer at age 70, you probably would want someone by your side who loves you—a monogamous mate. That desire for familiarity may not be met in cases of polygamy, in which one person has several sexual partners without love necessarily being involved.

A person wearing an ornate red headpiece and cape stands beside a balding person in a plaid suit jacket and gray pants. Other people wearing decorative beaded head and waist bands hold umbrellas and dance behind them.

Recently, it seems polyamory has gained steam in countries such as the U.S. and Canada. This arrangement recognizes that people may have a desire for many partners but concedes to some religious and philosophical narratives: for instance, Plato’s argument that sex without love is a sin or less noble. With polyamory, the idea is, “yes I do have sex with many, but I love them all.” And those partners also love others.

I see polyamory as an evolutionary rare and historically recent form of mating. Those who partake probably satisfy their desires for multiple mates and comfort/familiarity. But they may still suffer jealousy when their beloveds openly love others.

When it comes to love and mating, there are no perfect solutions. Each type of relationship balances sexual desire, comfort, and jealousy in different measures, subject to cultural influences. Some trends indicate that monogamous marriage is falling out of fashion for younger people in places such as the U.S. But there’s no reason to think that loveless polygamy, or love-flush polyamory, will overtake other arrangements.

Likely, humans in diverse societies will continue to love and mate in many different ways.

Complete Article HERE!

Female Orgasmic Disorder Could Become a Qualifying Condition for Medical Cannabis in Four States

— Science confirms what many of us discovered on our own.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Four states—Ohio, Illinois, New Mexico, and Connecticut—are now looking into adding female orgasmic disorder (FOD) to the list of qualifying conditions for medical cannabis. There’s mounting research that suggests that cannabis can help women have more orgasms. For those with FOD, defined by the Merck Manuel as a “lack of or delay in sexual climax (orgasm) or orgasm that is infrequent or much less intense even though sexual stimulation is sufficient and the woman is sexually aroused mentally and emotionally,” medical marijuana could not only make having an orgasm easier, but more satisfying. 

Diagnosis criteria and scientific research aside, stoners have been boasting about the sexual properties of cannabis, probably since the herb was first smoked. Now, we know that cannabis, as a vasodilator, can increase blood flow to the genitals. Because it can also aid in anxiety, using some weed before sex can help people relax into the moment, which can be especially beneficial to those whose sexual dysfunction stems from trauma. After all, we know that cannabis has a well-documented ability to treat PTSD. It even enhances the senses, often making touching and even checking out your partner more fun. And as cannabis can also aid in creativity, it can help you consider and explore more variations in your sex life. 

“Women with FOD have more mental health issues, are on more pharmaceutical medication,” Suzanne Mulvehill, clinical sexologist, and founder and executive director of the nonprofit Female Orgasm Research Institute told Marijuana Moment. “They have more anxiety, depression, PTSD, more sexual abuse histories. It’s not just about pleasure, it’s about a human right,” adding that: “It’s a medical condition that deserves medical treatment.”

Ohio is currently evaluating a proposed amendment to add the condition. Earlier this month, the State Medical Board declared that both FOD and autism spectrum disorder are advancing to the stages of expert assessment and public feedback, following online petition submissions. Public comments will be accepted until Thursday.

In Illinois, regulatory officials are scheduled for a meeting next month to discuss the inclusion of FOD as an eligible condition. New Mexico plans to address the matter in May, as per the nonprofit Female Orgasm Research Institute. The organization also noted that Connecticut is exploring the possibility of adding FOD to its list of qualifying conditions, although a specific date for a meeting has not yet been determined.

Suzanne Mulvehill plays a leading role in the initiatives advancing the therapeutic advantages of cannabis for individuals with FOD. She says that this condition impacts as many as 41% of women globally. She filed a petition last year aiming to include this disorder among Ohio’s list of conditions eligible for medical marijuana.

Present studies suggest that approximately one-third of women who consume cannabis utilize it to enhance sexual experiences—a statistic Mulvehill notes has remained relatively consistent over the years.

She’s aware of the understanding surrounding cannabis’s ability to enhance sex. “It’s not new information,” Mulvehill said in her interview with Marijuana Moment. 

The novelty lies in the readiness of government bodies to address the matter. According to Mulvehill, Ohio appears to be the first state to evaluate FOD as a condition warranting medical marijuana. Moreover, she noted that Ohio’s meeting earlier in the month marked the inaugural instance, to her knowledge, of a public government entity discussing female orgasmic disorders.

A 2020 article published in Sexual Medicine discovered that frequent cannabis use among women correlates with improved sexual experiences. Additionally, various online polls have highlighted a positive correlation between cannabis consumption and sexual satisfaction. There’s even research indicating that the enactment of marijuana legislation correlates with a rise in sexual activity.

And research published last year in the Journal of Cannabis Research revealed that over 70% of adults surveyed reported an increase in sexual desire and enhanced orgasms when using cannabis before intercourse, and 62.5% noted improved pleasure during masturbation with cannabis use. Given previous data showing that women who have sex with men often experience orgasms less frequently than their male counterparts, the researchers suggested that cannabis might help bridge this orgasm equality gap.

For some people, having an orgasm is a challenge in a way that counts as a disorder that deserves treatment, and access to medical marijuana is paramount. For others, this new legal push is just a reminder that weed can make sex better and a reminder that you don’t need a diagnosis to have hot, stoned sex.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How Sex and Intimacy Help You Live Longer

— Says Molly Maloof, M.D.

By

For many, sex is fun and pleasurable—but it’s also pretty important to human existence. Sex plays a significant role in individual well-being, and perhaps even longevity.

Unfortunately, some public health organizations and entities continue to advertise not-so-positive outcomes after having sex, such as sexually transmitted infections, unintended pregnancy, sexual dysfunction, and more. This outdated narrative and outlook on sex (note: sex therapy hasn’t been reinvented since the 1960s, per the American Psychological Association) can be damaging as it overlooks the fact that sexual pleasure is a distinct element of well-being.

Sexual pleasure can play a key role in nurturing healthy relationships and, ultimately, extending your lifespan. In fact, having a good sex life has been shown to improve physical and mental well-being, both of which help you have a vibrant life overall.

Here are just five ways maintaining, or improving, your sex life can have profound effects on your overall health.

5 Benefits of Sex and Intimacy

Although sex and intimacy are often used interchangeably, they’re actually two different things.

Here’s the deal: Intimacy involves openness and acceptance between partners (this can be emotional, such as communicating about what you don’t like, or physical, like post-sex cuddling). On the other hand, sex is solely the physical activity—and of course, it’s possible to have sex without intimacy and vice versa.

1. It Maintains Quality of Life

Research shows that sexual health can improve your quality of life (no big surprise there!) — even if you’re older in age. As a result, it can increase your lifespan, too.

In fact, 62.2 percent of men and 42.8 percent of women reported that sexual health was highly important to quality of life in a 2016 study of 3,515 adults in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. And, people in excellent health had higher satisfaction with their sex lives than those who had fair or poor health. Based on these results, the study authors note that sexual health screenings should be a routine part of physician visits—so if your doc doesn’t bring it up, make sure you do.

Meanwhile, those ages 65 and older who said their sexual relationship was “sufficient” reported better quality of life and lower incidence of sexual dysfunction than those who described their relationship as “moderate” or “poor,” according to a 2023 study. This was also true for those who considered themselves attractive and had sex frequently with their partner or spouse.

What do these studies suggest? When your sex life is better, your overall outlook on life may improve too.

2. It Contributes to Satisfying Relationships & Mental Health

Sexual activity may also contribute to longevity by making your relationships more stable and satisfying—and by boosting your mental health.

Sexual satisfaction is a main factor in predicting relationship satisfaction in both men and women, according to a small-scale study, found in a 2023 issue of the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. For women, interpersonal closeness was also important (measured by statements like “I always consider my partner when making important decisions” or “I miss my partner when we are apart”).

In addition, one 2019 study revealed that frequent, longer lasting bouts of sex was associated with higher sexual satisfaction, which in turn, lead to stronger relationships. This was true for all relationship types, including same-sex, mixed-sex, and gender-diverse relationships.

Beyond its physical implications, sexual activity and intimacy can also contribute to mental health, something that’s increasingly understood to influence longevity.

Researchers examined the impact of sexual activity (or lack thereof) in a study published in a 2021 issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. They found that people who didn’t have sex during the COVID-19-related lockdown had a 27 percent higher risk of developing anxiety and a 34 percent higher chance of depression compared to those who did.

3. It May Reduce the Risk of Cancer & Heart Disease

A great sex life can also keep your prostate—and other parts of your body—healthy.

Scientists monitored the frequency of orgasms in nearly 32,000 men over an 18-year period in a 2016 study published in European Urology. Their findings suggested that a higher frequency of orgasms was associated with a reduced risk of developing prostate cancer later in life.

More specifically, men (both in their 20s and 40s) who reported 21 or more orgasms per month had about 20 percent lower risk of developing prostate cancer compared to those who ejaculated four to seven times per month.

What’s more? Engaging in a vibrant sexual life also seems to benefit heart health, even in those with heart disease, per a study from a 2022 issue of the European Journal of Preventive Cardiology.

Heart attack patients who reported having sex at least once per week had a slightly lower risk of dying from heart disease (though more research is needed to determine if that lowered risk is statistically significant) and a more notable 44 percent lower risk of dying from non-heart disease causes—compared to those who had sex less. This is even after researchers adjusted for additional factors, including age, gender, partner status, and smoking.

4. It Can Boost Your Immune System

Research suggests sex can support your immune system, as it offers a shield against illnesses and bolsters your resilience to viruses.

In a study, found in a 2021 issue of Fertility and Sterility, researchers assigned 16,000 participants to one of two groups: those who reported having sex more than three times per month and those who reported having sex less than three times per month. They found that 76.6 percent of those in the first group did not get infected with COVID-19 over the course of four months—and even those who did get infected tended to have milder cases than those in the second group, where nearly half of the group got infected.

These findings suggest that as your sexual activity increases, your immune system may be better equipped to combat pathogens. But of course, sexual activity alone can’t prevent infectious disease, so be sure to take all appropriate measures to avoid infections like COVID-19—particularly if you’re at high risk for serious disease.

5. It May Independently Extend Your Lifespan

While factors like quality of life, a strong immune system, and lowered risk of cancer may all contribute to your longevity, research shows that sex alone may be able to extend your lifespan.

For instance, the findings from a study—found in a 2022 issue of the Journal of Applied Gerontology—showed that sexual well-being was positively associated with longevity in those who perceived sexuality as important to them.

Although research suggests your desire to have sex may begin to decline as you get older, plenty of men and women continue to have sex semi-regularly as they enter those later decades of life. Among those aged 80 and older, 19 percent of men and 32 percent of women reported having sex frequently (which is described as twice a month or more), according to a study from a 2015 edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Complete Article HERE!

Top 10 drugs that may contribute to sexual dysfunction

By Naveed Saleh, MD, MS

Key Takeaways

  • A variety of prescription medications, along with the conditions they treat, may contribute to sexual dysfunction.
  • Some of these drugs are known to interfere with sexual health, such as antidepressants and beta blockers; lesser known culprits include thiazide diuretics or opioids.
  • Clinicians can help by being aware of medications that may affect sexual function, having open discussions with patients, and adjusting medications where needed.

Sexual dysfunction can be an adverse effect of various prescription medications, as well as the conditions that they treat. Some of these treatments, such as antidepressants and certain antihypertensives, likely come as no surprise to the clinician. Others, however, are not as well-known.

Here are 10 types of prescription medicines that contribute to sexual dysfunction.

Antiandrogens

Antiandrogens are used to treat a gamut of androgen-dependent diseases, including benign prostatic hyperplasia, prostate cancer, paraphilias, hypersexuality, and priapism, as well as precocious puberty in boys.

The androgen-blocking effect of these drugs—including cimetidine, cyproterone, digoxin, and spironolactone—decreases sexual desire in both sexes, as well as impacting arousal and orgasm.

Immunosuppressants

Prednisone and other steroids commonly used to treat chronic inflammatory conditions decrease testosterone levels, thus compromising sexual desire in males and leading to erectile dysfunction (ED). 

Sirolimus and everolimus, which are steroid-sparing agents used in the setting of kidney transplant, can mitigate gonadal function and also lead to ED.

HIV meds

The focus of dolutegravir (DTG)-based antiretroviral therapy has been on efficacy, as measured by viral load. Nevertheless, these drugs appear to affect sexual health, which can erode quality of life, according to authors writing in BMC Infectious Diseases.[1]

“Sexual dysfunction following transition to DTG-based regimens is common in both sexes of [people living with HIV], who indicated that they had no prior experience of difficulties in sexual health,” the study authors wrote. “Our findings demonstrate that sexual ADRs negatively impact self-esteem, overall quality of life and impair gender relations. DTG-related sexual health problems merit increased attention from HIV clinicians.”

Cancer treatments

Both cancer and cancer treatment can impair sexual relationships. And cancer treatment itself can further contribute to sexual dysfunction.

For example, long-acting gonadotropin-releasing agonists used to treat prostate and breast cancer can lead to hypogonadism, resulting in lower sexual desire, orgasmic dysfunction, erectile dysfunction in men; and vaginal atrophy/dyspareunia in women.[2]

Hormonal agents given during the course of endocrine therapy in cancer care lead to a sudden and substantial decrease of estrogens via their effects at different regulatory levels. Selective ER modulators (SERMs) are used to treat ER-positive breast cancers and bind ERs α and β. These receptors are crucial in the functioning of reproductive, cardiovascular, bone, muscular, and central nervous systems. Tamoxifen is the most common SERM used.

In females, reduced estrogen levels due to endocrine therapy can lead to vaginal dryness and discomfort, pain when urinating, dyspareunia, and spotting during intercourse.

Antipsychotics

Per the research, males taking antipsychotic medications report ED, less interest in sex, and lower satisfaction with orgasm, with delayed, inhibited, or retrograde ejaculation. Females taking antipsychotics report lower sexual desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, anorgasmia, and impaired orgasm quality. 

“The majority of antipsychotics cause sexual dysfunction by dopamine receptor blockade,” according to the authors of a review article published in the Australian Prescriber.[3] “This causes hyperprolactinaemia with subsequent suppression of the hypothalamic–pituitary–gonadal axis and hypogonadism in both sexes. This decreases sexual desire and impairs arousal and orgasm. It also causes secondary amenorrhoea and loss of ovarian function in women and low testosterone in men,” they continued.

Antipsychotics may also affect other neurotransmitter pathways, including histamine blockade, noradrenergic blockade, and anticholinergic effects.

Anti-epileptic drugs

Many men with epilepsy complain of sexual dysfunction, which is likely multifactorial and due to the pathogenesis of the disease and anti-epileptic drugs, per the results of observational and clinical studies.[4]

Specifically, anti-epileptic drugs such as carbamazepine, phenytoin, and sodium valproate could dysregulate the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis, thus resulting in sexual dysfunction. Carbamazepine and other liver-inducing anti-epileptic drugs could also heighten blood levels of sex hormone-binding globulin, thus plummeting testosterone bioactivity.

Both sodium valproate and carbamazepine have been linked to disruption in sex-hormone levels, sexual dysfunction, and changes in semen measures.

Antihistamines

Allergic disease is commonly treated with antihistamines and steroids, with both drugs potentially interfering with sexual function by decreasing testosterone levels. In particular, H2 histamine receptor antagonists can disrupt luteinizing hormone/the human chorionic gonadotropin signaling pathway, thus interfering with the relaxation of smooth muscles at the level of the corpus cavernosum.[5]

ß-blockers

ß-blockers contribute to ED likely because they suppress sympathetic outflow.

“Non-cardioselective ß-antagonists like propranolol have a higher incidence of ED than cardioselective ß-antagonists which avoid ß2 inhibition resulting in vasoconstriction of the corpora cavernosa,” per investigators writing in Sexual Medicine.[6] “Nebivolol has the greatest selectivity for ß1 receptors as well as endothelial nitric oxide vasodilatory effects, and has been shown to have a positive effect on erections.”

The authors cite a double-blind randomized comparison in which metoprolol decreased erectile scores after 8 weeks, whereas nebivolol improved them.

As well, he selective β-blocker nebivolol inhibits β1-adrenergic receptors, which may protect against ED vs non-selective β-blockers.[7]

Opioids

The µ opioid receptor agonist oxycodone not only inhibits ascending pain pathways, but also disrupts the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis by binding to µ receptors in the hypothalamus, thereby resulting in negative feedback and resulting in ED, as noted by the Sexual Medicine authors.

Consequently, less  gonadotropin-releasing hormone is produced, which results in lower levels of  gonadotropins and secondary hypogonadism. 

Loop diuretics

Results of a high-powered study demonstrated that men taking thiazides were twice as likely to experience ED compared with those taking propranolol or placebo. It’s unclear whether furosemide also causes ED. It’s also unclear why thiazides cause ED. Nevertheless, the Sexual Medicine authors stress that prescribers should remain cognizant of the potential for thiazide to interfere with sexual function.

What this means for you

It’s important for clinicians to realize the potential for a wide variety of drugs to contribute to problems in the bedroom. If a patient experiences trouble having sex, they may discontinue use of the drug altogether. Consequently, physicians must tailor treatment plans with patients and their partners in mind.

The key to assessing sexuality is to foster an open discussion with the patient concerning sexual function and providing effective strategies to address these concerns.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have Less Awkward Shower Sex

— These are the best positions (and toys) to try for less awkward sex in the shower.

By Brianne Hogan

The fantasy of shower sex (hot and steamy) typically doesn’t live up to its reality (damp and slippery, and maybe even a little dangerous). Like sex on the beach, shower sex sounds sexy in theory but is more often than not an uncomfortable and awkward experience.

“A lot of people see shower sex in the movies and think it looks great, but when they try it, they feel a bit let down,” erotic film director Erika Lust of ERIKALUST says. “From personal experience and through directing sex scenes in my films, there are a couple of reasons as to why it may get a bad reputation. One, the setting isn’t right. The shower may not have any handles or anywhere to lean or grab, making it a bit awkward and restricting positions. Two, It’s too built up. It’s better to not have any expectations and go with the flow. Don’t get caught up on what it should look or be like. And three, foreplay is skipped. People can get too excited with all that’s going on around them that they skimp on foreplay. Foreplay is a really important step to build intimacy and excitement, and shouldn’t be skipped.”
But still, all this yearning for toe-curling shower sex can’t be all for nothing.

“Taking a shower together is a really intimate and sometimes vulnerable moment,” Lust says. “Especially washing each other. And intimacy is hot. It’s also, for many, something new and exciting—there is something about the water, the skin-on-skin contact and the closeness that just makes shower sex so hot.”

Maybe it won’t be as seamless as movies make it out to be, but according to experts, shower sex can still be an orgasmic experience for some with the right preparation and positions.

How to have safe shower sex

Before you rub soap all over your partner’s body as foreplay, intimacy expert Kiana Reeves says the biggest key in making any sexual experience enjoyable is communication and comfort with your partner(s). “You want to make sure you and your partner feel comfortable with a shower sex session, and it can even help to discuss beforehand any positions that would make you uncomfortable, along with any potential safety considerations,” she says.

Also, if you’re in need of birth control, Zach Zane, sex and relationships expert at Fun Factory, says IUDs and daily birth control medications are effective for birth control in the shower, and while condoms can indeed be effective too, “they are more likely to tear or break if you are not using silicone-based lube, so we highly recommend using silicone lube for shower sex.”

Speaking of lube, Zane says what most people are doing wrong in the shower is not using any lube or using the wrong kind of lube. “Water is actually not a lubricant,” he says. “Think about it; when you use water-based lube, it’s not just a bottle of water. There are other ingredients in there that make it more viscous and last longer. When having shower sex, you really need to use lube, and you should consider using silicone-based lube (or oil-based) lube because the shower water won’t wash those types of lubes off easily. Shower water will quickly wash away water-based lube.” However, he notes that “oil-based lubes are not compatible with condoms.”

Best positions for sex in the shower

Because you’re working in a tight space with less surface area to balance on, finding a good position can be awkward for most of us. “I’ve found it’s helpful to go into the experience with an exploratory mindset, so it gives you the freedom to try out different positions and explore what works and what doesn’t,” Reeves says. “It’s totally normal for it to take a few positions or pleasure seshes to find one that feels ‘right,’ so going in with that mindset can help alleviate any awkwardness or self-consciousness you might feel. But it’s still normal for things to need some practice to work themselves out!”

No matter how you’re positioning yourselves, Lust recommends using a non-slip mat, and to make use of shelves or handles to grab onto for extra stability. Also, “Use the shower head,” she says. “Most of us are no stranger to using a shower head for pleasure; in fact it was probably a lot of peoples first sex toy. If possible, detach the shower head and use it to pleasure the other person and lightly tickle their genitals.”

To help get you started, Lust suggests try standing. “It’s simple but very enjoyable,” she says. “Have one person lean against the shower wall while the other penetrates from behind. This is great because you can position the shower head to trickle water down the back.”

If possible, she also suggests taking a seat. “Whether on the edge or on the shower floor, this will allow one person to straddle the other with minimal risk of slipping,” Lust says. “Maybe position the shower head slightly away so it isn’t restricting anyones eyesight.”

Finally, if you find that you can’t find a position that feels good for penetration, Reeves suggesting trying oral or hand sex.

Best toys to use when having sex in the shower

Toys can be another great way to experiment with shower sex. Zane recommends the BOOTIE RING, which is a butt plug connected to a cock ring. “I’d insert the toy before heading into the shower. And then, the cock ring portion of the toy will help you sustain an erection,” he says. Additionally, he likes the B BALLS DUO, “a weighted butt plug that you can insert before having shower sex for additional pleasure.”

For those into pegging, Lust suggests trying SHARELITE. “It is completely waterproof as it is made out of body-safe silicone,” she says. “The beauty of SHARELITE, is that it is a harness-free dildo so there are no straps getting wet and potentially chafing.” Another toy Lust recommends is Maya by Love Not War. “It is a recycled bullet that is 100% waterproof, with a tapered tip made for exploring,” she says. “Since this toy is made of aluminum, it is great for temperature play too. The head unscrews and can be submerged in hot or cold water.

Complete Article HERE!

33 ways to have better, stronger orgasms

— Everything to know about the 11(!) types of orgasm.

By , and

Look, everyone wants to have a mind-blowing orgasm every time they have sex. But unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.

Only about half of women consistently climax during partnered play, and nine percent have never orgasmed during intercourse, per one study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology. (Worth mentioning: The percentage of pleasure-seekers who do consistently O during sex is higher for women in same-sex relationships.)

So, why is the orgasm gap so big? For one thing, your entire body has to be ~in the mood~ when you’re attempting to orgasm, says Donna Oriowo, LICSW, CST, a certified sex therapist and owner of Annodright based in Washington, D.C. ‘Orgasms require both the physical and the mental, emotional component,’ she adds. This, along with a few other reasons (that Women’s Health will get into below!), can make them hard to come by.

If this gap sounds all too familiar, you don’t have to feel like all hope is lost. Here, sex experts explain everything you need to know to have an orgasm, whether you’re trying to ring the bell for the first time or take your O to another level of pleasure.

What’s an orgasm, exactly?

Let’s start with a basic definition. ‘Clinically, an orgasm is the rhythmic contractions of the genitals,’ Jenni Skyler, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute, previously told Women’s Health US. It’s marked by vaginal contractions, an increased heart rate, and a higher blood pressure.

But how an orgasm feels, exactly, will vary from person to person. Skyler typically describes it as a ‘pinnacle of pleasure, or the capacity for the whole body and genitals to feel alive and electric.’

What are the different kinds of orgasms?

Each type of orgasm is named for the body part that’s stimulated in order for them to occur, including:

Clitoral Orgasm

The clitoris is the small, nerve-dense bud at the apex of the labia that serves no function other than to provide sexual pleasure (!). When orgasm happens as a result of clitoral stimulation—be it from your partner’s hands or tongue, or a clitoral vibrator—it’s called a clitoral orgasm. FYI: This is the most common type of orgasm for those with vulvas, says Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a certified couples and sex therapist based in New York, New York, and the author of She Comes First.

How to have a clitoral orgasm:

  • Use lube. Remember: the clitoris is sensitive. If there’s not proper lubrication, ‘you can cause [yourself or your partner] pain unnecessarily,’ Oriowo says, especially if you start off using lots of pressure. Which brings me to…
  • Start slow and gentle. Add gradual pressure and stimulation as time passes. Feel it out, literally. That way, you can let your orgasm build and avoid experiencing any pain or discomfort.

Vaginal Orgasm

Less than one in five of those with vulvas can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, according to the Mayo Clinic. If you have an orgasm from vaginal penetration, without any direct clitoral stimulation, that’s a vaginal O!

How to have a vaginal orgasm:

  • Lube, lube, and more lube. Again, use lube to minimise any discomfort or irritation, Oriowo says. There’s nothing worse than *that* burning feeling that can result otherwise.
  • Find the right rhythm. Whether you’re solo or partnered, you’ll want to figure out what you like, and then (if you are with someone else), communicate your preferences. Then, the name of the game is ‘maintaining the rhythm when the person is having an orgasm—don’t change it up,’ Oriowo says.

Cervical Orgasm

Your cervix is the vaginal canal’s anatomical stopping sign. Located at the wayyy back of the vaginal canal, the cervix is what separates the vagina from your reproductive organs. But beyond just what keeps tampons from traveling into your bod (#bless), the cervix can also bring on some serious pleasure when stimulated.

How to have a cervical orgasm:

  • Be gentle. Since a lot of people can experience pain in this area, again, it’s best to start gently. If you experience any new sensations while dabbling in cervix play, make sure that they’re not painful, Oriowo adds.
  • Use a toy. Sometimes, a penetrative vibrator can hit those deep spots that a human being can’t. ‘A toy can shake things up with the cervical orgasm,’ she says.

G-Spot Orgasm

Often described as feeling more full-bodied than clitoral orgasms, G-spot orgasms occur from stimulating the G-spot, a nerve-packed patch of sponge located two (ish) inches inside the vaginal canal.

How to have a G-spot orgasm:

  • Warm yourself up. Use your fingers and warm up by touching (or having a partner touch) the G-spot area to prepare for deeper penetration, Oriowo says.
  • Move with purpose. If your goal is a G-spot orgasm, the same-old, same-old moves might not work. Instead, practice ‘picking your positions in a way that will help you to really get to the G-spot,’ she adds.
  • Nipple Orgasm

    A nipple orgasm is ‘a pleasurable release of sexual arousal, centred on nipple stimulation and not caused by stimulating the clitoris [or penis] directly,’ Janet Brito, PhD, a nationally-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii, previously told Women’s Health US.

    How to have a nipple orgasm:

    • Use a toy. ‘There are so many nipple toys that I think get left in the dust because we tend to buy toys for our genitals, but not necessarily our nipples,’ Oriowo says. So, invest in some nipple clamps or even a clit-sucking toy that you can use in *both* places.
    • Dabble in sensation play. It doesn’t have to be with a traditional toy, either. Ever tried a feather? An ice cube? You’ll def want to try different things to ‘enhance the pressure that we receive in that area,’ Oriowo adds.

    Anal Orgasm

    An anal orgasm is exactly what it sounds like: any kind of orgasm that ensues from anal stimulation. For some, this means stimulation of just the external anus (for instance, during a rim job). And for others, it means stimulation of the internal anal canal (for instance, with anal beads, a penis, or finger).

    How to have an anal orgasm:

    • Rimming = your best friend. Rimming, or analingus, is the act of someone performing oral sex on the ‘rim’ of the anus. It’s an important part of anal play because many of your nerve bundles are around the opening of the anus, not deep inside it, Oriowo says.
    • Ease into it. If you’re new to anal play and you’re interested in using toys, you’ll generally want to use something the size of a finger, Oriowo says. (And not the size of a penis!) And, of course, use lube. ‘However much lube you thought you needed… put a little bit more,’ she says.

    Blended Orgasm

    This is any orgasm that comes from stimulating two or more body parts. Nipples + anus = blended orgasm! Clit + vagina? Also a blended orgasm. ‘Bringing in sensations to the other areas of the body can also help to increase the strength of any orgasms,’ Oriowo adds. So, blended orgasms might feel extra intense.

    How to have a blended orgasm:

    • Be intentional upfront. Ask yourself which areas you want to stimulate, Oriowo says. If the clit is too sensitive for dual stimulation, for instance, target the G-spot or cervix instead, and add in some nipple play, too.

    Oral Orgasm

    An oral orgasm can be induced by someone going down on you, and it requires a couple of things, Oriowo says. For instance: Awareness of the giver’s lips and teeth, which can ‘enhance the sensation that a person is experiencing,’ she explains. So, you may want to graze your teeth along someone’s clit, but you defs won’t want to bite them—accidentally or not. (Ouch!)

  • Also, ‘paying attention to what your partner is responding to’ is super important, she adds. ‘If they’re saying they’re about to have an orgasm, continue doing what you are doing at the same pace and pressure.’ Noted.

    How to give an oral orgasm:

    • Incorporate teasing. Yup, sometimes just the anticipation of physical sensation can be enough to increase someone’s arousal. Try just ‘whispering near the vagina, but not quite touching it,’ Oriowo recommends, then move from there.
    • Use your tongue. ‘You can do oral in so many different ways,’ Oriowo says. Maybe you try light, tickling touches with the tip of your tongue, interchanged with a broad, deep stroke with your entire tongue.

    A-Spot Orgasm

    The A-spot is between the vaginal opening and the bladder, ‘about two inches higher than your G-Spot, along the front vaginal wall,’ Oriowo says. You know how you have some spongy tissue in your G-spot area? Well, the A-spot is a bit deeper. If you can’t feel it, that doesn’t mean it’s not there, she says—it just means that your A-spot might not be as sensitive.

    How to have an A-spot orgasm:

    • Incorporate a toy. Because this area is deeper than the G-spot, you might want to use a toy to reach it rather than a finger. Still, you can try to move your fingers from side to side (rather than a penetrative in-and-out motion), and you might be able to find the A-spot better.

    U-Spot Orgasm

    The U-spot orgasm is a urethra-based orgasm, Oriowo explains. Therefore, her biggest tip is to be gentle when stimulating the area, then listen to what your partner is requesting (or what your body is telling you, if you’re going solo). After all, ‘this is the area where urine exits the body,’ she says. (Oh, and you’ll definitely want to lube up, too.)

    How to have a U-spot orgasm:

    • Start with fingers. This tip especially applies to those who are just starting to explore the area. ‘The fingers give you a little bit more control,’ she says. Oriowo also recommends exploring down there by yourself first before doing so with a partner. ‘Then, you know what kind of pleasures you’re already capable of,’ she adds.
    • Then, show and tell. After you’ve gotten the swing of things, guide your partner through the process so they don’t end up accidentally hurting you. That way, they can learn ‘how to do it on their own without your guidance eventually,’ she continues.

    Exercise-Induced Orgasm, or Coregasm

    Amazing news for anyone who loves working out: Some people are able to engage the core and pelvic floor in a way that will result in an orgasm. ‘Orgasms are created through the increase in tension and then its release,’ Oriowo says. ‘Engaging your abdominal muscles, often [is] going to be pulling on, or stimulating, the pelvic floor muscles, as well.’ And the rapid release can create a beautiful O.

    Can I have multiple orgasms in a short time period?

    Yes! This happens when you’re in a semi-aroused state and your genitals are resting a bit, Kerner says. ‘Assuming you potentially transition into the right kind of foreplay activities, you would be primed to experience genital stimulation again that would result in a second orgasm,’ he explains.

    Anyone can have multiple orgasms, but it does depend on the person—some people are more likely to have multiple Os than others, Brito says. And again, depending on the person, their second (or third) orgasm after the first may or may not feel as powerful.

    Jennifer Wider, MD, a women’s health expert, author, and radio host, encourages practicing Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to strengthen your pelvic muscles in pursuit of an orgasm. By doing these contractions during the initial orgasm, a second or third may be possible, when combined with stimulation to another area.

    ‘Remember, the clitoris is usually a bit sensitive after the first orgasm, so moving to another erogenous zone and going back to the clitoris after a short break can help,’ she says.

    How to have an orgasm:

    Achieving consistent, mind-blowing orgasms is kind of like winning the lottery. Sounds amazing, but basically a pipe dream, right? With these little tricks, it doesn’t have to be.

    1. Prioritise cuddling.

    In the name of boosted oxytocin, rather than saving spooning for after sex, spend some time snuggling up pre-play.

    Known as the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin might be the key to better orgasms, according to a study in Hormones and Behavior. The study found that couples who received oxytocin in a nasal spray had more intense orgasms than couples who took a placebo.

    Since you probably don’t have oxytocin nasal spray on your nightstand, try giving yourself the same jolt of the hormone naturally by hugging, cuddling, or making other gestures to show your love to your partner. Your post-cuddle O might just surprise you.

    2. Don’t skip right to penetration!

    According to Kerner, having an orgasm requires a few key ingredients:

    1. Vasocongestion (i.e. blood flow to your pelvis);
    2. Myotonia (muscular tension throughout your body);
    3. The brain’s natural opiate system being turned on (because it triggers oxytocin)

    The best way to get these ingredients? ‘Gradual[ly] building up arousal, rather than a race to orgasm,’ he says. In other words, slow down and build both physiological and psychological arousal. Trust, the end result will be worth the wait.

    3. Focus on positions that favour the clit.

    Wider suggests focusing on sex positions that directly stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex. ‘That can provide a consistent orgasm in the majority of [people with vulvas],’ she says. Try rider-on-top, which allows you to grind your clit against your partner, or rear entry, with you or your partner stimulating your clitoris. Kerner agrees that being on top generally makes it easier for people with vulvas to cum.

    4. Use a vibrator.

    Vibrators are literally made to help you orgasm, after all. ‘Vibrators increase the frequency and intensity of orgasms—whether you’re alone or with a partner,’ says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. She suggests starting with a vibrator that will target your clitoris, G-spot, or both. A few to get you started:

    5. Think about your cycle.

    If you feel like your orgasms have been meh or not even there lately, consider trying to time sex around your cycle. Generally, your libido peaks during ovulation—that’s about two weeks before your period shows up—so the chances of having an orgasm will go up during this time period, Wider says. ‘There may be an evolutionary basis for this, because those with vulvas are most fertile at this time during their cycle,’ she adds.

    FYI: This is especially important if you’re exploring cervical orgasms. That’s because, as O’Reilly previously told Women’s Health US, some people are more likely to have cervical orgasms during ovulation. If having your cervix touched feels painful but you’re still curious, try it during a different time of the month to see if it feels better.

    6. Make sure you have lube on hand.

    Lube reduces uncomfortable friction and allows you to ‘safely engage in a wider range of acts, techniques, and positions,’ O’Reilly says. Not only that, it also ‘leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction,’ she says.

    7. Whip out a fantasy.

    Adding a little psychological stimulation to the equation can help enhance physical stimulation, which is why Kerner recommends fantasising on your own or with your partner. ‘Fantasy is also a powerful way to take your mind off other stressors or any other anxieties you may be experiencing,’ he says. And, for the record, ‘it’s okay to fantasize about someone other than the person you’re having sex with,’ Kerner says. (Maybe just keep that info to yourself, though.)

    8. Try sensation play.

    ‘The simple act of turning off the lights, closing your eyes, using a blindfold, or wearing sound-canceling headphones can help you to be more mindful and present during sex—and lead to bigger, stronger orgasms,’ O’Reilly says. ‘This is because the deprivation of one sense can heighten another, so when you remove your sense of sight or sound, you may naturally tune into the physical sensations of the sexual encounter.’ But before you tie an old tube sock around your boo’s eyes, just be sure to ask for consent first.

    9. Feel yourself up in the shower.

    Sure, you shower to get clean, but you can also have some fun when you’re in there. ‘It’s very simple: As you shower, rather than touching to wash yourself, take one minute to touch for sensuality and pleasure,’ O’Reilly says. ‘Feel your skin, take a deep breath, and bask in the heat and warmth that surrounds your body.’ This can help you de-stress and get in touch with what feels good to you—and that can do you a solid when you’re in bed later, she says.

    10. Take an orgasm ‘break.’

    On a similar note, ‘sometimes taking a masturbation and orgasm break for a day or two can be a good “refresh,”‘ Kerner says, noting that people sometimes ‘report stronger orgasms during masturbation after taking a short break.’ If you can, try taking sex or solo love off the table for a day or so and see where that gets you. A simple reset may be just what you need to ramp things up.

    11. Make the most of *that* time of month.

    Raise your hand if Os are, like, significantly better on your period. (My hand is all the way up.) While that may not be the case for everyone because orgasms feel different for every person, it’s good to take note of when your Os feel the best. ‘Some people do say that they’re more likely to feel aroused before their period or during their period, and that might have to do with hormones, but then other people say that’s not true for them,’ Brito says.

    As an added bonus, period sex has the power to literally make you feel better physically. ‘Orgasm has analgesic effects,’ Kerner adds. ‘If you experience sometimes pain or heavy cramping or even headaches during PMS, orgasm could actually help to relieve some of those symptoms.’

    12. Make your fave positions feel that much more intense.

    Stick to your fave sex positions, but get your clit in on the action with the help of a clitoral vibe. Or, take matters into your own hands by bringing your digits downstairs.

    ‘A nice combination is pressure and friction against the glands of the clitoris,’ says Kerner. ‘That is sometimes why a combination of external and internal stimulation can really enhance and get the most out of the potential for orgasm.’ Make sure your focus is within the first few inches of the vaginal entrance, he says.

    13. Be present.

    It can be super easy to get distracted before or during sex. But the best Os come from when you (either alone or with your partner) are in the mood for it.

    ‘The main thing that can affect a woman’s orgasm is not being fully absorbed or present—fully absorbed in the flow of the sexual experience or having that flow interrupted,’ Kerner says. So, try your best to get rid of distractions or other environmental factors.

    You can also practice some mindfulness before you head to the bedroom…

    And on that note, make sure you and your partner’s arousal is synced up. To do that, communicate before, during, and after sex to make sure the experience is going well for all involved.

    14. Don’t let intercourse be the main event.

    Outercourse, which is exactly what it sounds like—everything but penetration—deserves just as much attention, if not more. Make sure there’s a healthy balance of outercourse versus intercourse during sexy time. ‘There’s lots of outercourse positions that provide better or more higher quality clit stimulation,’ Kerner says. ‘That’s gonna generate an orgasm.’

    15. Practice positive handwriting.

    Communication is everything in relationships, and when it comes to sex, it’s even more so. Positive handwriting is when you help guide your partner’s hand around your body, showing them how you like to be touched rather than have them try to guess how you like it.

    ‘That teaches them the rhythm that you want or the circular motion or the speed,’ Brito says. ‘By you knowing yourself, you’re able to teach your partner how to do it for you.’

    16. Take the pressure off of being goal-oriented.

    Obviously, everyone wants to experience ~the big O~, but TBH, just being along for the ride is fun enough. When you have a goal, you’ll automatically feel more under pressure, and sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful.

    ‘The main thing is not having that as a goal in mind,’ Brito says. ‘When it becomes more goal-orientated, it gets a little bit bit harder to do that because now you’re in a performance mode.’ Try to focus on the sensations you’re feeling instead.

    17. Try yogic breathing.

    ‘Some people have luck elongating their orgasm through breath work,’ Wider says. For a longer and stronger orgasm, she suggests yogic breathing, which is a breathing technique used in yoga where you control your breath according to postures.

    Wanna DIY? Take a longer breath right before you climax and then breath through the orgasm instead of holding your breath during it, Wider recommends. That ‘may actually extend the length of it,’ she adds.

    18. Figure out what kind of foreplay you like best.

    This extends your level of arousal, Kerner says. Touching, talking dirty to one another, feeling up your erogenous zones, role playing, and sharing fantasies can all help draw out the period of foreplay and in turn, help make your orgasm *that* much better. You can also try getting in ~the mood~ by listening to a sexy audiobook, reading something, or watching porn, if that’s not usually your vibe.

    ‘For some people, it might help them to engage in some type of erotica,’ Brito says. ‘That can help someone have a better orgasm because their mindset is there.’

    19. Make it a full-body experience.

    Don’t just focus on the downstairs neighbor. ‘You wanna be able to activate the nerve fibers throughout your body that are sensual and respond to stimulation—so you don’t wanna just start with your genitals, you wanna start with a more full-body experience of yourself,’ Kerner says.

    Whether it’s really engaging all of your senses or experiencing with touching different parts of yourself, like your nipples, don’t count any body parts out.

    20. Don’t shift your stimulation right before you’re about to orgasm.

    Kerner says it’s a common instinct to do something different right before a woman reaches orgasm, like shifting their position or way of stimulation. ‘That can really interrupt the orgasm itself in ways that might make it harder to get back on track,’ he says. ‘It’s important that whatever is happening that is generating orgasm, that that continues in a consistent, persistent way.

    So, figure out what your partner likes, and if it’s going well, follow through!

    21. Lean into pregnancy sex.

    Like ovulation orgasms, pregnancy orgasms have the potential to feel *real* good. ‘There’s so much blood that’s sort of just pulling in the pelvis and in the genitals, and so much of arousal is about blood flowing into the genitals,’ Kerner says. So pay attention to those pregnancy Os, because they might be higher quality than during other times, he says.

    22. Remove judgment.

    It’s easy for people to feel shame or guilt around masturbation, sex, or general sexual pleasure depending on one’s upbringing, Brito says.

    ‘Ideally, you’re approaching your body in a loving, caring, compassionate way and being very curious and open to exploring your body parts, including your erogenous zones,’ she adds. ‘It’s like, ‘This is another body part, and I’m open to exploring this area in a loving way.’ It’s a form of self-care.’

    And she’s right—it’s your ‘you’ time! Make sure you have a healthy mindset so you can fully enjoy it.

    23. Be aware and vocal of how the sensations feel.

    It’s easy to get out of sync with your partner during sex, so make sure you’re on the same page by communicating. ‘Sometimes sex is painful and a woman isn’t aroused enough, or the sex causes some kind of pain,’ Kerner says. ‘Generally, men don’t experience sexual pain during sex in the way that women can.’

    If anything isn’t feeling right, make sure to be assertive about it with your partner.

    24. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone.

    In addition to removing judgment from your mindset, you’ll also want to stay curious and open-minded when it comes to exploring your body, whether it’s with a partner or not. If you’ve always been a little intrigued by anal toys or BDSM, consider tapping into something new. After all, sometimes the most unexpected things give you the greatest Os. (And you can quote me on that.)

    25. Combine types of touch.

    Didn’t you hear? Only stimulating the vagina is, like, so yesterday. Combining different types of touch can look different for everyone—it could be using your hands to stimulate your nipples while you’re getting fingered, or fully using a sex toy while getting massaged all over your body. ‘The more types of touch you engage in, the more intensive it could be,’ Brito says.

    26. Embrace the mini Os.

    Sometimes, people with vulvas experience ‘wavelike feelings of orgasms, or mini orgasms sometimes leading up to an actual physiological orgasm,’ according to Kerner. Often, they think they’re having multiple orgasms, but they’re actually just little peaks and highs before the climax. And they still feel great, so be on the lookout (feel-out?) for any feelings representative of that description.

    27. If you’re not feeling it, consider why.

    Sex is never fun if you aren’t feeling good about yourself, and self-esteem issues are a particular roadblock on the way to an orgasm, Kerner says. If you suddenly aren’t in the mood or you’re feeling bad about yourself mid-act, think about why, and try to get to the root of the issue.

    28. Invest in a new toy.

    Sometimes you gotta mix it up—I get it! If you’ve had a bullet vibrator for while and you’re ready to jump into more intense toys head-on, go for it.

    The type of vibrator you try will depend on the type of stimulation you enjoy—and the type of orgasm you’re interested in exploring. A vibrating butt plug or string of vibrating anal beads will bring a whole lot of ‘oh baby!’ to your backside, while vibrating nipple clamps will make you tingle and giggle without any between-the-leg lovin’.

    29. Use lube on more than just your downstairs area.

    If you’re willing to get a little creative, lube can seriously elevate your sex game in surprising ways. Try to lube up your favorite toy before some solo sex, or even use some on your nipples. Just remember not to use oil-based lube with condoms (it’ll disintegrate the latex) or silicone-based lube with silicone toys (it’ll damage your toys and cause an environment rife for bacteria), Jordan Soper, PsyD, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist previously told Women’s Health US.

    30. Maintain stimulation throughout the entire O.

    It might sound obvious, but make sure to keep the stimulation going until you know it’s over. ‘Maintaining stimulation through an orgasm, the entirety of an orgasm can get the most out of the duration of an orgasm,’ Kerner says. Longer orgasms? Yes, please.

    31. Tighten your pelvic muscles.

    This tip is especially helpful for G-spot orgasms. ‘The G-spot is located inside the vagina up toward your navel,’ Wider says. Not only will firm, deep penetration help to hit the spot, but also, some [people with vulvas] find it’s helpful to tighten their pelvic muscles during rhythmic sex,’ she adds. Again, you can try Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to help this area.

    32. Try edging.

    Edging is when you’re masturbating or engaging in sexual activity, creating a buildup, and stopping before you orgasm, then continuing the cycle over again. Literally, what’s hotter than bring yourself and/or your partner to almost climax, but then not allowing yourself or them to? Sheesh. ‘That can definitely make you have a more intense orgasm,’ Brito says.

    33. Know your body.

    At the end of the day, you know your own body best. Sex toys aren’t for everyone, just like manual stimulation isn’t for everyone, either. Take time to be with yourself and figure out what you like best to maximize your experience, either alone or with partner(s). ‘Do what works for you, arousal levels should build gradually—some [of those with vulvas] enjoy manual stimulation, others prefer toys,’ Wider says.

    Once you know what you like, you can help others in assisting to give you your best orgasm yet.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Is there a difference between a ‘male’ and ‘female’ orgasm?

    First off, people with vulvas *can* ejaculate through the form of squirting. However, they ‘can both squirt and have an orgasm at completely separate times,’ Oriowo explains.

    On the other hand, people with penises typically experience orgasms that include ejaculation a majority of the time. It is possible for them to have an orgasm without ejaculating, she says—it’s just rarer. Also, some might say that it’s ‘easier’ for those with penises to orgasm than those with vulvas, which leads me into the next question…

    What is the ‘orgasm gap’?

    This is the difference ‘between how often men have orgasms versus how often women who have sex with men have orgasms,’ Oriowo says. ‘Women who have sex with women are more likely to have orgasms than women who have sex with men.’

    I don’t think I’ve had an orgasm before—what can I do?

    There are a few things to get you started.

    Get psychological.

    Aside from exploring your body—likes, dislikes, the whole shebang—’sometimes, we are having mental emotional hangups that are preventing us from being able to connect with our bodies,’ Oriowo adds. For instance, sometimes shame plays a role when you first start to masturbate, she says.

    If it’s affecting you, she recommends looking into therapy or using a workbook or guide that goes over those feelings. Overall, you’ll want to think about the narrative you have around pleasure, masturbations, and orgasms that are preventing you from being able to have one.

    Consider your lifestyle choices.

    Both smoking and drinking a lot of alcohol can negatively impact your ability to experience orgasms. Smoking can affect your circulation, and increases the risk of erectile dysfunction for men. Because people with vulvas have similar tissue sets, especially in the clitoris, ‘that is going to impact the sensations that you’re having and the blood flow to your own clitoris,’ which is what causes an orgasm to feel so good.

    Alcohol, on the other hand, impacts the ability to feel sexual stimulation. So, maybe skip that third pre-sex glass of wine, and instead fully feel the sensations that might lead to an orgasm.

    Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

    Yup, you can add better chances of orgasming to the long list of positive effects that hydration has on the body. ‘Hydration really helps with best orgasm results,’ Oriowo says. ‘We are literally walking around here dry, wanting our bodies to perform at peak levels for our orgasms—but lack of hydration can also lead to lack of vaginal lubrication, natural lubrication.’ So, drink that water!

    Drinking enough water will also help blood flow and your muscles will be hydrated enough to move, both of which will help your orgasm. Wins, all around!

    Complete Article HERE!

What does pansexual mean?

— And how is it different from bisexual and polysexual?

How do you define pansexual vs. bisexual? That’s a very good question. Let’s take a moment to celebrate the pansexuals: the wonderful guys, gals and non-binary pals who love who they love regardless of gender.

By Emma Powys Maurice

How do you define pansexual vs. bisexual? That’s a very good question. Let’s take a moment to celebrate the pansexuals: the wonderful guys, gals and non-binary pals who love who they love regardless of gender

Pansexuality is part of the Bisexual+ Umbrella, meaning that it’s one of many identities in which someone is attracted to more than one gender.

But how exactly do you define pansexuality, and how is it different from bisexuality or polysexuality?

Every pansexual’s understanding of their sexuality is personal to them, but in general it means that they aren’t limited by sex or gender when it comes to those they’re attracted to.

The word comes from the Greek word “pan,” which means “all”. But that doesn’t mean pansexuals are attracted to anybody and everybody, just as heterosexual women aren’t attracted to all men. It simply means that the people they are into might identify anywhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.

This includes people who are gender-fluid, and those who don’t identify with any gender at all (agender).

In fact, some pansexuals describe themselves as “gender-blind”, meaning that gender doesn’t play any part in their sexuality; they’re attracted purely to a person’s energy rather than any other attributes.

How do you define pansexual vs. bisexual?

Good question! Sometimes pansexuality is used as a synonym for bisexuality, but they are subtly different.

Let’s take a moment to break down how to define pansexual vs. bisexual. Bisexual means being attracted to multiple genders, whereas pansexual means being attracted to all genders. Both orientations are valid in their own right and it’s up to the individual to decide which one fits them best.

Some people assume that bisexual people are erasing non-binary people or enforcing a rigid gender binary, because they believe the word bisexual implies that there are only two genders. We’re happy to inform you this isn’t the case!

The vast majority of bisexual people love and support the non-binary community, and many non-binary people are bisexuals themselves.

The reality is that bi people simply have “the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree,” as advocate Robyn Ochs describes.

What’s the difference between pansexual and polysexual?

The word polysexual comes from the Greek prefix “poly meaning “many”, and the term has been around since the 1920s or 30s, if not earlier.

There’s some overlap between pansexual and polysexual, as both appear under the Bisexual+ Umbrella. The key difference is that someone identifying as polysexual is not necessarily attracted to all genders, but many genders.

A good analogy to describe it is how you feel about your favourite colours: a pansexual person might like every colour of the rainbow, whereas a polysexual person might say they like all the colours except blue and green.

But more often than not, those who identify as polysexual tend to ignore gender binaries altogether, especially when it comes to who they are and aren’t attracted to.

It’s worth noting that polysexuality also has nothing to do with polyamory, which is style of consensual relationship, not a sexuality.

What pansexual celebrities are there?

Pansexuality has been around for as long as humans have, but the term is becoming more mainstream as more celebrities publicly identify as pansexual themselves.

Just a few of the big pansexual names out there are Lizzo, Cara Delevigne, Miley Cyrus, Janelle Monae, Angel Haze, Jazz Jennings, Brendan Urie, Yungblud, Nico Tortorella, Courtney Act, Bella Thorne, Joe Lycett, Tess Holliday and Christine and the Queens.

And as of 2020, the UK now has its first out pansexual MP: the Lib Dem Layla Moran.

“Pansexuality, to me, means it doesn’t matter about the physical attributions of the person you fall in love with, it’s about the person themselves,” she told PinkNews.

“It doesn’t matter if they’re a man or a woman or gender non-conforming, it doesn’t matter if they identify as gay or not. In the end, these are all things that don’t matter – the thing that matters is the person, and that you love the person.”

What does the pansexual Pride flag look like?

We’re glad you asked. It looks like this:

Define pansexual vs. bisexual
The pansexual pride flag

It was designed by a creator called Jasper V. The flag has been in wide use since the early 2010s when it was posted on an anonymous Tumblr account.

Here’s a breakdown of what the colours and symbols of this flag represent:

  • Magenta: Attraction to female-identifying individuals.
  • Yellow: Attraction to those who don’t identify with the binary such as non-binary, agender, and genderfluid individuals. 
  • Cyan: Attraction to male-identifying individuals. 

When is pansexual Pride day?

Pansexual & Panromantic Awareness Day falls on 24 May. It’s a day to celebrate the pan community and educate others on what it means – so you can start by telling your friends it’s got absolutely nothing to do with saucepans. So, have we helped you to define pansexual vs. bisexual? If so, we’re glad to have been of help!

Complete Article HERE!

How to Close the ‘Orgasm Gap’ for Heterosexual Couples

— Researchers once faced death threats for asking women what gives them pleasure. Now they’re helping individuals and couples figure it out themselves.

By

[CLIP: Woman speaks on OMGYES: “This is, like, you know, my vagina, going up and down and kind of brushing up against it, kind of like a paintbrush.”]

[CLIP: Music]

Kate Klein: There’s this, like, whole world underneath people’s clothing that no one talks about.

Sari van Anders: Our science, in some ways…, is sort of, like, catching up with people’s existences.

Meghan McDonough: I’m Meghan McDonough, and you’re listening to Scientific American’s Science, Quickly. This is part three of a four-part Fascination on the science of pleasure. In this series, we’re asking what we can learn from those with marginalized experiences to explore sexuality, get to the bottom of BDSM and illuminate asexuality. In this episode we’ll unpack why heterosexual women are having fewer orgasms than their male partners—and how researchers are bridging the gap.

[CLIP: OMGYES: “So when I’m with a partner for the first time, I’ll take one of their fingers, and I’ll tell them, ‘Just tap.’”]

McDonough: This is a woman explaining how she likes to be touched on the website OMGYES, which offers guidance to individuals and couples on finding sexual pleasure, both through masturbation and with a partner. This video is one of many how-to clips on everything from what the site has labeled “layering …”

[CLIP: OMGYES: “My clit’s really sensitive, and touching it directly would be way too intense, so I use the surrounding skin to make it less overwhelming.”]

McDonough: To “orbiting …”

[CLIP: OMGYES: “You know, it’s like the infinity sign, and it’s, like, going in loops, and you can change the direction.”]

McDonough: To essentially demystify the female orgasm—which, in heterosexual couples, is happening far less than the male orgasm, according to a 2017 U.S. national sample in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. That’s true even while research has shown that women regularly orgasm when masturbating and having sex with other women. That’s a gap that needs to be addressed because not only does orgasm make sex more pleasurable, but regular orgasm, doctors say, also lowers stress and improves sleep, mood, cognition and self-esteem. In partnership with Indiana University, the people behind OMGYES have interviewed more than 20,000 women ages 18 to 95, resulting in a number of published papers.

Rob Perkins: OMGYES started with a group of friends who would talk in a lot of detail about the stuff about, about what worked for them [and] what didn’t work for them sexually.

McDonough: This is Rob Perkins, who co-founded the company behind the website with his friend Lydia Daniller in 2014.

Perkins: We found in the conversation that there were patterns…. So we interviewed more of our friends to see, you know, if the patterns were consistent. And we found that, yes…, and that those things haven’t been named and hadn’t been studied in a rigorous way. So we reached out to folks at Indiana University, and they said, Yeah, it doesn’t get funding. Pleasure isn’t deemed important enough to be studied in that way.

McDonough: Rob says that while follow-up research has shown that OMGYES improves self-knowledge and pleasure, physical patterns are just one small piece of the puzzle.

Perkins: We found eventually that no matter how good the techniques are, with partners, there are other dynamics at play.

McDonough: So what other dynamics are at play? And what role can science play? First, let’s back up. What is an orgasm, and where does it come from? In the late 1950s and early 1960s, researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson observed about 10,000 sexual response cycles experienced by 382 female participants and 312 male ones. Here’s them speaking at the University of New Mexico in December 1973.

[CLIP: Masters and Johnson speak at the University of New Mexico in December 197300:32]

[Masters: “We never treat the impotent male or the nonorgasmic female as a single entity. We always treat the marital unit or the committed unit …”]

[Johnson: “Or the relationship, if you want to reduce it further.”]

[Masters: “Basically speaking, we treat the relationship.”]

McDonough: They concluded that orgasm was the third of a four-stage model. They called the first “excitement,” or sexual arousal—marked by increased heart rate, breathing and blood flow. For those with a vagina, this involves engorgement of the clitoris, labia majora and minora and uterus, as well as vaginal lubrication. In the second, or plateau, phase, they noted, these responses build, and the uterus becomes fully elevated, which makes penetration more comfortable. The third stage they named was orgasm, or sexual climax—a series of muscle spasms in the genital area at 0.8-second intervals that gradually slow in speed and intensity. These are accompanied by the release of tension and feelings of euphoria. Orgasm, they said, is followed by the fourth and final stage—resolution, a return to the prearousal state. Masters and Johnson revolutionized the study of sexual response. But sex researcher Shere Hite had even more to say about sexual experience. This is her on a panel in 1977:

[CLIP: Shere Hite on a panel in April 1977:3:45 “So Masters and Johnson have said how widespread women’s sexual dysfunction is. And I’m saying it’s not women who are dysfunctional; it’s our definition of sex which makes women dysfunctional. If you didn’t define sex as intercourse, women wouldn’t be dysfunctional.”]

McDonough: The year before, Hite surveyed more than 3,000 women and girls aged 14 to 78 in open-ended, anonymous questionnaires, culminating in her book, The Hite Report. The book would be translated into a dozen languages and sell more than 48 million copies. Almost all of the women she interviewed who masturbated said that they orgasmed regularly from masturbation, but only about 30 percent reported that they orgasmed regularly from penile-vaginal intercourse. Here she is again in the panel discussion.

[CLIP: Shere Hite: “And even for this 30 percent, orgasm was, in most cases, due to the women’s own assertiveness in obtaining clitoral contact with the man’s pubic area during intercourse. Whether or not this is practical for a woman depends on many things.”]

McDonough: Even though sex researcher Alfred Kinsey had previously found in 1953 that it takes women four minutes, on average, to masturbate to orgasm, Hite was seen as widely controversial at the time for challenging deeply entrenched cultural norms.

McDonough: In the years after The Hite Report was published, Hite faced heavy criticism and even death threats. She ultimately fled the United States for Europe. Hite’s research debunked the notion that women who didn’t reliably orgasm from penetrative sex were dysfunctional. It was part of a wider cultural awakening, via second-wave feminism in the 1970s, that questioned who was served and who was hurt by such a narrow definition of “sex,” which Hite and others explicitly related to equality outside of the bedroom.

[CLIP: Shere Hite:00:42 “I was very surprised that people didn’t make this connection between women demanding their rights in sex and women demanding their rights in jobs…. I don’t think it’s militant to say that women should have orgasms and that women should be able to stimulate themselves in the same way that men can.”]

McDonough: Almost 50 years later, the heterosexual orgasm gap remains vast. A 2017 study analyzed survey results and found that 95 percent of heterosexual men regularly orgasm during partnered sexual activity, compared with 65 percent of heterosexual women and 86 percent of lesbian women. The authors noted that lesbian women could be in a better position to understand how different behaviors feel for their partner and that they may be more likely to take turns receiving pleasure until each is satisfied. The researchers also reviewed sociocultural explanations such as people placing a greater importance on male sexual pleasure than female pleasure, as well as a stigma discouraging women from exploring their own sexuality. They concluded the paper by writing, “The fact that lesbian women orgasmed more often than heterosexual women indicates that many heterosexual women could experience higher rates of orgasm.”

The research team behind OMGYES has picked up that thread by focusing on what kind of stimulation is most pleasurable. They’ve named more than 35 techniques based on thousands of interviews with women and have included the percentages of women that find those techniques useful. Many of these are based on solo or partnered masturbation, while others are meant to complement penetration.

Perkins: One of them is “pairing.” So the name for simultaneous clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration.

McDonough: The idea is to use data to break down the taboo around sexual communication, which is associated with greater sexual pleasure.

Perkins: There’s a myth in our culture that a good male lover already knows what to do and shouldn’t ask for feedback, shouldn’t need feedback—receiving feedback would be an affront to that expertise. And we have data, you know, that 52 percent of American women wanted to tell their partners how sex could be more pleasurable for them but didn’t. And the main reason cited is not wanting to hurt the partner’s feelings

You know, if you’re giving someone a back rub or scratching someone’s back, of course, the person whose back is being scratched knows best where the itch is.

McDonough (tape): How have you found that couples work through these things?

Perkins: One thing that seems to work is time…. There’s this myth that younger people have more pleasure, and then it goes downhill with age, but actually, with more knowledge about your body and more comfort asking for it…, men get a little less performative and more curious. We have this from one of our studies—that couples who are always exploring ways to make sex more pleasurable are five times more likely to be happier in their relationships and 12 times more likely to be sexually satisfied.

McDonough: But the underlying problem, researchers say, goes beyond a lack of knowledge.

Klein: Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

McDonough: This is Kate Klein, a sex therapist who has referred several clients to the OMGYES site.

Klein: So if one partner, you know, feels disempowered—doesn’t feel confident to speak up or share what they like or what they need—that’s often seen outside of the bedroom. They might not speak up about a need, a desire, whether it’s, you know, having the apartment be a certain level of tidiness, if it’s, you know, needing more emotional connection, if it’s needing more physical affection outside of sex.

McDonough (tape): So what are the main challenges to finding sexual pleasure? What are the main blocks you see people come in with?

Klein: You know, living in a sex-negative, heteronormative, patriarchal society, it really puts a lot of shame and guilt around sex. And there’s such a focus on the penis and penis owners. And I think those who are socialized as women are often really just disempowered from connecting with their pleasure…. There’s just so many ways that women are expected or socialized to put others before themselves, to make everyone comfortable, to smile. I think the orgasm gap is … specifically focused and due to our limited definitions of what sex is, right? If sex is penis and vagina penetration, that does not include the clitoris at all…. Female pleasure, female orgasms, for many, it seems unnecessary or challenging, whereas male orgasms are seen as, like, a requirement.

McDonough (tape): For people who may not know what they like sexually, where do they start?

Klein: I think the single most fundamental sexual skill any of us can have is self-pleasure…. The mind and body is so interconnected. And so, like, one, getting to a place mentally where you can be relaxed, where you can be focused, and then just being curious and playful, right—like maybe it’s touching your body overall and not even focusing on the genitals; maybe it is focusing on the genitals and doing different types of touch, different types of pressure; maybe it’s using a pleasure device; or it could be, you know, reading an erotic novel; kind of, like, whatever it is that’s going to get your desire flowing. You know, sex is not necessarily something you do but a place you go.

Complete Article HERE!

6 Questions to Ask Your Doctor About Sex after 50

— Vaginal dryness, erection challenges, safe sex and more

By Ellen Uzelac

With most physicians ill prepared to talk about sexual health and many patients too embarrassed or ashamed to broach the subject, sex has become this thing we don’t discuss in the examining room.

“So many doctors talk about the benefits of nutrition, sleep, exercise — but they don’t talk about this one really essential thing we all share: our sexuality,” says Evelin Dacker, a family physician in Salem, Oregon, who is dedicated to normalizing sexual health in routine care. “We need to start having this conversation.”

Starting the conversation about sexual health

Sexual wellness experts suggest first talking about a physical problem such as a dry vagina or erectile challenges and then segueing into concerns about desire, low libido and intimacy.

As Joshua Gonzalez, a urologist and sexual medicine physician in Los Angeles, observes: “Patients sometimes need to be their own advocates. If you feel something in your sex life is not happening the way you would like it to, or if you are not able to perform sexually as you would like, never assume that this is somehow normal or inevitable.”

Often, there are physiological issues at play or medications that can alter your sexual experience. “If you’re interested in having sex,” Gonzalez says, “there are often real solutions for whatever the problem may be.”

Here are six questions to help steer the conversation in the right direction.

1. What can I do about unreliable erections?

Erectile dysfunction is common in older men — 50 percent of men in their 50s will experience erectile challenges, Gonzalez says, and 60 percent of men in their 60s, 70 percent of men in their 70s, and on up the ladder.

The good news: There are fixes. “This doesn’t mean giving up on having pleasurable sex at a certain age,” Gonzalez says. The two primary things he evaluates are hormone balance and blood flow to the penis. A treatment plan is then designed based on those results.

Some older men also find it often takes time and effort to ejaculate. Gonzalez suggests decoupling the idea of ejaculation and orgasm. What many men don’t realize: You can have an orgasm with a soft penis and without releasing any fluid at all. “Your orgasm — the pleasure component — is not going to change.”

Also good to know: Sexual health is a marker of overall health. As an example, erectile dysfunction can be a predictor of undiagnosed health issues such as heart disease and diabetes years before any other symptoms arise, says Gonzalez.

2. Sex is different now. My body is no longer young but I still have sexual urges. How do I accommodate this new normal?

Dacker often asks her older patients: How is the quality of your intimacy? Is it what you want it to be? Have you noticed a shift as you’ve gotten older and what does that mean to you?

“Naturally, as we age our bodies start working differently,” she says. “I like to reframe what it means to be sexual by expanding our intimate life, doing things that maybe you haven’t thought of doing before.”

Dacker, who teaches courses on how to be a sex-positive health care provider, suggests exploring each other in new ways: dancing, eye gazing, washing one another while bathing, giving hands-free coconut oil massages using your stomach, arms and chest. She’s also a fan of self-pleasure.

“There’s so much pleasure that doesn’t involve penetration, orgasm and erections,” she adds. “It’s not about performance, it’s about pleasure.”

3. My vagina hurts when I have penetrative sex to the point that I’m now avoiding it. What can I do?

A lack of estrogen in older women can cause the vaginal wall to get really thin, resulting in dryness, irritation and bleeding when there is friction.

“It can be uncomfortable with or without sex,” says Katharine O’Connell White, associate professor of OB/GYN at Boston University and vice chair of academics and the associate director of the Complex Family Planning Fellowship at Boston Medical Center. “What people don’t realize is that what they’re feeling is so incredibly common. A majority of postmenopausal women will experience this.”

White offers a three-part solution for vaginal dryness: If you’re sexually active — and even if you’ve never used a lubricant before — add a water-based lube during sex play. Also, consider using an estrogen-free vaginal moisturizer, sold in stores and online, to help restore the vaginal lining. Finally, think about adding back the estrogen that the body is craving through medically prescribed tablets, rings or creams that are inserted into the vagina.

White also advises patients to engage in 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay before penis-in-vagina sex. “The whole body changes and the vagina gets wet, wider and longer, which can go a long way to alleviating any discomfort,” she says.

4. Urinary incontinence is interfering with my sex life. How can I control it?

Because the bladder is seated on top of the vagina, the thinning of the vaginal wall can also impact the bladder. When you urinate, it can burn or you will want to pee more often, symptoms typical of a urinary tract infection, according to White.

Some women feel like they need to urinate during sex, which, as White says, “can pull you out of the mood.” Her advice? “Pee before sex and pee after sex.” She also suggests using vaginal estrogen to plump up the walls of the vagina and, by extension, the bladder.

5. I’m interested in dating again. What screenings for sexual wellness should I get — and require of a new partner?

Fully understanding the importance of reducing your risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) should be front and center as you reenter the dating scene, according to nurse practitioner Jeffrey Kwong, a professor at the School of Nursing at Rutgers University and clinical ambassador for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s “Let’s Stop HIV Together” campaign. 

“Individuals should be screened if they’re engaging in any sort of sexual activity — oral, vaginal, anal — because many times, some of these conditions can be asymptomatic,” he says. “You can transmit without symptoms and vice versa.”

Screening may involve a urine or blood test or swabs of the vagina, throat or rectum. With STIs soaring in older adults, Kwong suggests testing for HIV, hepatitis C, hepatitis B, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. In early 2024, the CDC reported that syphilis cases had reached their highest level since the 1950s.

6. My doctor was dismissive when I brought up sex, basically saying, At your age, what do you expect? What should I do now?

Sex is a special part of life no matter how old you are. “If you’re with a doctor who brushes aside any of your concerns, it’s time to find a new doctor,” White says.

Finding a good doctor, she adds, is no different from looking for an accomplished hair stylist or a reliable mechanic: Ask your friends.

“I’m horrified when I hear about things like this,” she adds. “Any good doctor really wants you to bring up the things that concern you.“

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s how to tell if a throuple might be right for you

— It’s not the same as an open relationship.

By and

The beautiful thing about non-monogamy is that it can take on many, varied forms: A non-monogamous dynamic can look like one polyamorous person having multiple romantic and sexual partners, or several individuals all in a non-hierarchical relationship together. One term you might’ve heard is ‘throuple,’ or triad, which describes a certain kind of committed relationship structure between three people.

Not to be mistaken for an open relationship (where people in a relationship have sex with people who are not their partner) or a threesome (sex between three people), a throuple is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship. And while the term might be new to you, there’s nothing new or unusual about the concept, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. ‘It’s totally possible to be in love with more than one person at one time,’ she says.

So, what is a throuple, exactly—and what should you know if you’re interested in being in one? Read on for the full lowdown, according to therapists and social workers who work with polyamorous folks.

What is a throuple relationship?

A throuple, or triad, is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship between three people. ‘What it means is that each person is in a relationship with another—it’s a three-way relationship,’ says Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York.

Like a couple, or a relationship between two people, the members of a throuple might have a ‘closed’ relationship, or an ‘open’ one. In some cases, ‘one person could be open to dating others, but another person in the triad isn’t,’ Marcantonio adds. ‘It really just depends.’

Different people in different dynamics might have their own definition and rules for the three-way relationship, so if you meet someone in a triad (or you’re about to join one!), it’s always a good idea to clarify what being in a throuple means to them.

What’s the difference between a throuple and other forms of polyamory?

Anything that isn’t a monogamous, exclusive, two-person relationship falls under the non-monogamy umbrella, says Anna Dow, LMFT, a therapist with Vast Love. And there are infinite types of polyamorous relationships, adds Marcantonio: ‘The sky’s the limit.’

Here are a few more polyamory-related words to know:

  • Quad: Four people who are in a committed relationship with each other
  • Polycule: A network of individuals who are all in relationships with each other
  • Kitchen table polyamory: A network of individuals who are in relationships with each other; if someone new is brought into this dynamic, they must generally get along with the rest of the group (think: feel comfortable sitting together at a large kitchen table)
  • Parallel polyamory: When a polyamorous person has multiple partners who don’t really interact with each other (essentially, the opposite of kitchen table polyamory)
  • Polyfidelity: When a throuple, quad, or larger polycule are ‘closed’ and do not see people outside of their group

Why might someone want to be in a throuple?

In some cases, a couple might meet a third person, become interested in them, and decide to bring that person into their relationship, says Spector.

In other instances, someone might know they’d like to join an existing couple, and seek out this kind of relationship dynamic. ‘If someone is oriented towards knowing that they can love more than one person responsibly, and if they feel like they can enter a relationship with an existing couple—and there’s chemistry, and connection between both and everyone agrees that they’d all like to be dating together—wonderful,’ says Marcantonio.

‘Being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust’

Aside from the joy of getting to date two people you like (or love), being in a throuple can help you get all your needs met, adds Spector. Think about it like this: When you have a third person involved, chances are, you’ll expose yourself and your original partner to qualities that both of you may want but can’t offer each other.

If you feel like you’re fully ready and wanting to add a third, Spector suggests letting your current partner know by gauging their interest. You can say something like: ‘I’d like to invite someone else into our relationship. How would you feel about having X join us and becoming a throuple?’

What are some tips for being in a healthy throuple?

Just like in any kind of relationship, being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust. ‘It’s the same as a monogamous relationship—the only difference is, it’ll be happening with two other folks,’ says Marcantonio.

However, there are some specific things you’ll want to watch out for, per relationship therapists:

1. Make sure you set ground rules first.

Different triads have different preferences, needs, and boundaries. Some examples of questions you’ll want to discuss, according to Marcantonio: ‘If everyone is open to all having other partners outside the triad, what does cheating look like? Do we all tell each other and have complete transparency when we’re talking to someone on the app, when we’re planning something, when we’ve had sex?’

Aside from discussions about sex and dating outside of the throuple, you’ll want to talk about your own dynamic as a trio, too, adds Spector. Would you prefer to only have sex as a throuple, for example, or is it okay for two people to have sex without the third?

‘It really depends on the triad and how they would like to set up the rules,’ says Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous. ‘It may be that a throuple sits down with each other and actually spends a few hours hammering out what might be relationship agreements.’

2. Continue to communicate.

People’s needs can fluctuate over time. So, continued communication is important, says Marcantonio. Spector recommends setting regular check-in times with your partners—and also checking in on your own needs, too.

3. And be sure you’re communicating *directly*, too.

One of the biggest issues a throuple might face is triangulation, says Marcantonio. ‘Triangulation in a relationship is when there’s one person who avoids directly interacting, usually with the person they have a conflict with,’ she explains. ‘So instead, they use the third person to confide in, to talk to.’

This can inadvertently put one person in the middle, Marcantonio adds. It can happen in friend groups, family dynamics, and—of course—romantic relationships that involve more than two people. So, if you have an issue or frustration with one of your partners, make sure you’re talking to them directly.

4. Get comfortable with any feelings of jealousy that might crop up.

It’s a common misconception that polyamorous folks don’t deal with jealousy. But, in fact, they can and do, says Schneider. It’s a natural human emotion. ‘It does take a lot of self-awareness and reflection to be in a poly relationship, because you will have feelings that come up that you need to sit with,’ Marcantonio adds.

If you find yourself feeling twinges of envy, Marcantonio recommends ‘staying curious’ and digging into the root of the issue. Is this something you can navigate on your own? Is this something you’d like to discuss with your partners? Did something trigger this emotion? These can be tough questions to work through, so if you’re struggling, you might want to check out a resource like The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, which is chock-full of tools and exercises for people in polyamorous ‘ships.

What are some of the myths about throuples?

1. They’re purely sexual relationships.

When some people hear ‘throuple,’ they might hear ‘threesome.’ But this dynamic signifies an emotional, intimate relationship between three people. They go on dates together, have deep conversations together, and confide in one another.

‘It’s not all about sex,’ says Marcantonio. ‘It’s people who really uniquely enjoy having deep, intimate connections that go beyond sex.’

2. You have to have a certain sexuality, or be a certain gender, to be in one.

Throuples can be made up of people of any gender identity and any sexual orientation who choose to be together, Spector says.

‘Pop culture depicts them as primarily female-female-male threesomes in an imbalanced way that often fetishises the relationship structure,’ adds Dow. ‘In reality, however, throuples are just typical relationships comprised of people of any genders. And like all relationships, each one has its own set of benefits and challenges.’

3. They’re not natural.

News flash: throuples, quads, and other forms of polyamory are nothing new. Marcantonio recommends checking out the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan for further reading on the history of non-monogamous relationships. ‘We were much more communal many, many decades ago,’ she adds.

Ultimately, being in a throuple might not be for everyone—as humans, we all have different needs and preferred relationship structures. ‘Some people are more wired for monogamy, and that’s what they like and want. Others are able to do poly; they might be more wired for that, and that works great,’ Marcantonio says. ‘There’s no one ‘natural’ way to have a relationship.’

Meet the experts: Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. Anna Dow, LMFT, is a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy at Vast Love. Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York. Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous.

Complete Article HERE!

​​Study reveals the weird connection between sex and why we get FOMO

— They’re more related than you think

BY Mia Erickson

Are you ever plagued by a nagging sense of anxiety watching your friends have fun without you? A new study claims to explain the science behind why we experience the phenomenon known as FOMO.

Most people are more than familiar with the all-consuming feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out), constantly comparing their surroundings, choices and plans with alternative scenarios.

But feeling like the grass is always greener elsewhere goes beyond missing your friends on a night in. FOMO is also rife in the current dating climate, with the never-ending stream of swiping, liking and matching fuelling the idea that something– or someone– better is out there.

But the connection between physical intimacy and experiencing FOMO goes deeper than we may think, according to a new study by Nipissing University in Canada, with findings suggesting the former may indeed be the cause of the latter.

Understanding the study

The phenomenon known as FOMO is hardly new, with many finding the nagging feeling follows them constantly– regardless of their surroundings. More often than not, people experience FOMO watching their friends enjoying an experience without them, which in today’s era of smartphones and social media, can be a never-ending ordeal.

The latest research into what causes our FOMO draws on the understanding that humans are naturally quite a social species.

But, knowing that like most mammals, we are generally guided by an instinct to connect and seek out a partner, the study set out to prove there’s more driving our FOMO than just innate competitiveness.

Determined to understand the relationship between FOMO and romantic relationships, 327 consenting adults between the ages of 19 and 60 were surveyed by the research team at Nipissing University.

Using a 10-item scale, participants were asked to respond to a series of statements measuring their inclination to experiencing FOMO, such as, ‘I fear others have more rewarding experiences than me’ and, ‘It bothers me when I miss an opportunity to meet up with friends.’

Based on their answers, researchers then rated each participant on things like their short-term mating effort, degree of social support, status-seeking, and competition among genders.

Each participant was also asked to divulge the number of sexual partners outside of a committed relationship they’d had. This, as well as their responses for the other sections, were combined and converted into a score by the research team.

What the results reveal

Comparing the results, the team found a correlation between the participants who experienced FOMO often and their attitudes towards seeking out sexual opportunities and romantic relationships.

What does this mean? The ingrained sense of ‘what if’ many modern daters experience while swiping for ‘the one’ inevitably impacts their desire to actively seek out social opportunities. In other words, their nagging FOMO.

More Coverage

“FOMO might alert people to the threat of not participating in these important social activities, which could motivate them to seek out and compete for social and sexual opportunities,” says professor of social sciences at Canadore College and study author Adam Davis.

According to the study’s findings, the participants who stated having high levels of FOMO were inevitably the ones who recorded having a high number of sexual partners and frequently sought new partners.

“Among American adults, we found that higher levels of FOMO were associated with a greater desire to seek out short-term sex partners,” adds Davis, who found other factors, such as each participant’s social support were not as influential.

Complete Article HERE!

Want To Up The Sexual Desire In Your Relationship?

— Try These Expert-Approved Tips

By Sarah Regan

When you first meet a new love interest, the surge of feel-good hormones makes them the center of your world—and of course, the object of your sexual desire.

But fast-forward a few years, and you’ll likely find desire has a way of ebbing and flowing the longer you’re with someone. It’s completely normal, but you still might want to spice things up when you’re in a sexual rut.

If that sounds familiar, here’s what to do.

Why does desire fade, anyway?

And it happens for so many reasons. Not only do the hormones we associate with falling in love start to drop off in general as the honeymoon phase ends, Gunsaullus says, but other hormonal factors are at play as well, especially if you’ve been together for years.

From childbirth to perimenopause to menopause to declining testosterone, we’re all susceptible to less sexual drive as we age. And of course, life happens too.

Kids’ schedules keep you busy, one or both partners might be stressed about work or finances, and even new medication can influence libido. If resentment has been brewing in the relationship, Gunsaullus adds, you better believe that’s a buzzkill as well.

It’s also worth noting that a lot of couples defer to having intimate time right before bed, which according to Gunsaullus, doesn’t always work out. “If folks are only thinking to have sex when they’re crawling into bed, most people just want to go to sleep or read or scroll—they want something that doesn’t feel like work. And if you’re the lower-desire person, sex can feel like work,” she explains.

5 tips to cultivate more sexual desire

1. Know that you’re not broken

If you and your partner aren’t all over each other like you once were, remember that this is completely normal—and, honestly, to be expected.

“Low-desire people often feel guilty or like they’re broken, and then higher-desire people feel rejected and unwanted and undesired,” Gunsaullus tells mindbodygreen, adding, “So just being able to call out those feelings and know that you haven’t done anything wrong—this is a very normal thing that happens to many folks in long-term relationships.”

With that in mind, she says, remember that both of you might not feel great about the decrease in desire, so be mindful not to get stuck in a cycle of pointing fingers, guilt, blame, and shame.

2. Schedule “HNFT”

Once of the best ways to boost desire in your relationship is to schedule time to be intimate, or as Gunsaullus calls it: Happy Naked Fun Time (HNFT). For 45 undistracted minutes once a week, simply enjoy each other.

If “scheduling” doesn’t sound very sexy to you, keep in mind that spontaneity doesn’t always bode well for lower-desire people, according to Gunsaullus. “They’re more responsive to creating a context, you know, an environment and a connection that helps facilitate arousal and desire,” she explains.

And the best part about this time, Gunsaullus adds, is it’s not meant to have an agenda. You don’t even need to have sex—it’s just about creating an environment in which you’re having fun, playing, connecting, and happen to be undressed.

“Bring a lightness to it, because if there’s expectation or pressure, that’s where you then get the disappointment and the blame and shame. So cuddle with each other, massage each other, talk about your day, play a game—something that feels intentional and out of the ordinary but is a sacred time,” Gunsaullus says.

3. Sit down with each other weekly

Even if you don’t schedule your HNFT every week, Gunsaullus does emphasize the importance of checking in with each other for 15 minutes every week, opening up the conversation around your sex life, needs, and desires.

Remember during this time to be nonjudgmental and open, even if it’s uncomfortable. Talking about these topics and normalizing them will ultimately help you and your partner get more comfortable with that discomfort so you can understand each other more deeply—which brings us to our next point.

4. Learn each other’s needs

If you’re on the shyer side, we’re not gonna pretend like it isn’t a little awkward to talk about your fantasies or sexual desires. But as Gunsaullus tells mindbodygreen, pushing through that awkwardness will only help your partner understand how to please you and vice versa.

She recommends filling out some sort of erotic play worksheet online in order to get super specific about what does (and doesn’t) turn you on. (Here’s a list of the most common kinks and fetishes, if you’re curious.)

Once you and your partner have both done the worksheets, compare your results. You might just find you have some overlap! And if you don’t, have no fear; Gunsaullus says that’s incredibly common and you can still meet each other halfway.

5. Consider working with a professional

Finally, Gunsaullus says, if you feel like you’ve been stuck in a sexual rut for quite some time, it might be worth working with a professional, whether a couples therapist, a sex therapist, or a sex/intimacy coach.

The takeaway

As with all matters of relationship, communication is key. Talk to each other, honor your needs, and remember that pleasure is something we all deserve.

Complete Article HERE!