Tag Archives: Q&a

The Lady Is A Tramp

Name: Paul
Gender: Male
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
I recently discovered that my GF has been cheating on me. She wants me to forgive her but it’s been really hard. Just dealing with the fact that it happened is overwhelming. It feels like I could never forgive her. I don’t know if there’s a solution or not. I know I still love her but the truth is I feel dirty being around her. It also makes me feel stupid for putting up with this and letting it happen in the first place. I feel like a total sap. I’d love any advice you could give me.

Before we turn to chastising your vixen girlfriend for her behavior, let me make a quick observation about you, Paul. You sure are a ball of contradictions, aren’t you, darlin’? How can you say that you love a person who makes you feel dirty and stupid? Simply put, you are deceiving yourself about one or the other of these emotions. And pardon me, but there’s no way that what you describe here can be love. An obsession, heart sick, wounded pride, sour grapes…absolutely. Love…ahhh, not so much! So stop saying that you love this woman, Paul, it’s just adding to the confusion.

your cheatin' heart

Here’s a tip for us all. Let’s, each of us, promise, right here and now, to save the “L” word for those feelings that are a little less desperate and debilitating, OK? Because if we don’t reserve the “L” word for feelings that are uplifting and life-affirming then we will bandy it about, like Paul here.  Let’s try not to over-use the term  to describe any and all our fixations. If what we are experiencing tears us down instead of building us up, then it ain’t love no how, no way. Period!

Ok Paul, I ’m gonna try not read too much into your brief statement, but there appears to be some important information here that we should consider. When you say your girlfriend…“is been cheating,” that suggests to me that her indiscretion may have been ongoing. Because you could have said…“she cheated on me,” which would imply a one-time thing.

And what an interesting word choice “cheat” is in this context. This makes fidelity sound like some kind of sport, or that you own something of another person. I don’t think fidelity is sport, nor do I think it is always a genital issue. Lots of couples are faithful to one another even though they have open relationships and/or multiple sex partners. But I digress.

Since you can’t supply me with more of the gory details, Paul, I’m gonna go with the first option. I’m gonna assume you’re telling me that your GF has been doin’ you wrong and it’s not a simple…“Whoops, I don’t know what came over me. One minute I was like all normal, and the next there I was with my dress over my head and some guy, other than you honey, was bangin’ me like there was no tomorrow”…sorta thing, OK?

Since I don’t know how deep or exclusive your relationship with your girlfriend is or was supposed to be, I can hardly advise you on what you ought to do next. I can, however, point out that a secret ongoing affair suggests the trouble with your relationship runs pretty deep. Maybe your girlfriend has you pegged as a sap, and she knows that you will tolerate her indiscretions. Which in turn, gives her permission to do carry on in whatever manner she might like. Maybe she doesn’t think that your relationship with her is all that substantial in the first place. Who knows!

Hey, I don’t suppose you have a cuckold fetish, do you?  Imagine the fun you could have with that.  But again, I digress.

If you’re not a total sap, and you’re serious about reigning in your wayward GF, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate in the future. Until you do that there’s no point in even imagining there might be a future.

If, on the other hand, the two of you did agree to live in an exclusive relationship, and she’s still taking her business elsewhere, then I suggest the bond between you is pretty busted. Is there something salvageable here? Your guess is as good as mine. What is perfectly clear is that both you and your girlfriend need to step back and take a sober look at yourselves. There is a reason for her behavior, just like there’s a reason for your response. To get to the bottom of all of this both of you will need to invest a good deal of time and energy, most likely with a professional therapist, and hope that the bank of goodwill between you, if indeed there is a bank of goodwill between you, is enough to carry the day.  However, if I had to guess from the tone in your message, I’d say there was precious little goodwill left. If so, why not be a man about it. Just call it quits and move on. No recriminations necessary.

Good Luck

Don’t Try This At Home

And now for a couple of very disturbing questions…

 

Name: Abe
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Location: NV
what will happen or is there any side effect if i put a single ball in the ass, but won’t come out?

Abe: let me ask you a question: Do you think your rectum was designed to hold man-made spherical objects? Leading doctors say NO.

All kidding aside. What the fuck were you thinking? Were you loaded on some substance or just bored to death? And why didn’t you include your email address so that I could actually respond to this pressing inquiry in a timely fashion?

By now you’ve either shit out the ball or you took your sorry ass to the hospital to have it removed.

Sex fans, NEVER, and I do mean NEVER put anything in your ass that you don’t have tethered to something that will not be going in your ass. You’re just asking for serious trouble if you do.

dont-try-this-at-home

 

Name: Sandy
Gender: Female
Age: 45
Location: California
During sex, I got an object stuck in my rectum. It went past the small outlet in the top of my anal cavity. To be honest, I’m scared. I cannot “fish it out.”  It is up past the holding area. We were using a hangable broom handle (plastic), which has a tip on it for hanging. I keep a rubber on it so it won’t come off in me, well the rubber broke; the lube I used caused the breakage. So what can I do? The tip/cap/hanger thing is as wide as a broom and about a half inch deep, but has the capability to act like a suction cup if it gets stuck. Next time I will make an air hole so it cannot get adhered in me. But how can I get it out? I have no insurance, so I cannot go to the DR. Help!

Sandy, I sincerely hope you haven’t been waiting patiently by the computer all week waiting for my response.

Again, this person didn’t include her email address with her query, just like Abe above.

This distresses me no end! There are so many things wrong here; I simply don’t know where to start. You’re 45 years old and yet you don’t know better than to fuck yourself with a broom handle? Holy cow! And you are using an oil-based lube while you have your broom handle, with its plastic hanging doohickey rapped in a latex condom? My god, teenagers know better than that.

And what is this about NEXT TIME you’ll make an air hole so it cannot get adhered in you? Are you completely out of your mind? If this one extremely embarrassing, if not downright dangerous stunt hasn’t taught you a lesson; then I suppose there’s no hope for you.

Like said to Abe above — By now you’ve either shit out the thingy in bum or you’ve taken your sorry ass to the hospital emergency room to have the object removed.

NEXT!

My Oh My

Q&A with an international flare!

Name: Devin
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Location: India
My foreskin cannot be drawn back the dick head, is it normal? Does it in anyway hinder the growth in length of the penis?

Nope, your tight foreskin will not hamper the growth, in the length, of your cock. In fact, darlin’, by age 25 you have all the dick you’re gonna have. You’re well past puberty, Devin, so there’s no more dick-growin’ in your future. I can assure you of that.foreskin

As to the tight foreskin issue, I am of the mind that uncut men need to pay particular attention to cleaning their cock. If you’re not careful to completely retract your foreskin over your dickhead when you shower or bathe; you will have a problem with smegma buildup (that’s that cheesy lookin’ stuff under your hood) and its accompanying odor.

Poor hygiene can also contribute to other, more serious concerns, like phimosis. The popular wisdom about cleaning under your foreskin is that soap is unnecessary. A full rinsing with warm water should be sufficient. If soap is desired, one ought use a very mild, hypoallergenic soap for this delicate area. Ether way, fully retracting your foreskin is essential. I’d also encourage you to retract your foreskin fully when you take a leak. That way you won’t have that unpleasant pissy smell about you.

If you need information on how to stretch your foreskin, use the search function at the top of the sidebar to your right. Type in the key words: “stretching my foreskin,” and Presto! You’ll be presented with all my posting and podcasts in which I address this important issue.

Good luck

Name: Louise
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Location: Bristol, UK
Why do guys get such a thrill by “cumming” on their partner? Several times I’ve ended up with sperm on my stomach, boobs, or face because a guy decided that would be fun to do and pulled out at the last second. Is that meant to degrade me?

Louise, let’s talk turkey. Or gravy, as it were. Boys are like any other haired beast instinctively programmed to smear their bodily fluids all up and down their territory.

moneyshotYa see, us boys think all the world is as enamored with our spunk as we are. And so we think we’re doing everyone a big favor by spreading our baby batter all around. We’re particularly fond of getting as much of our joy-juice on our partners as humanly possible; and the messier we are doin’ it the better. We’ll tell you that we do this because we love you and we just whipped up this tasty little batch of seed just for you. But of course, that’s simply bullshit.

What we’re really doing is marking you as part of our territory, just like I said above. Did you ever notice how pleased with himself a male dog is when he’s blissfully lifting his leg to pee on everything in sight? I’d be willing to bet you’ll see a similar shit-eatin’ grin on your BF face as he merrily pops a nut on your tits.

The upside of this is that our little nut concoction is heavily laden with protein, so you’ll not find a better skin emolument. Just make sure he doesn’t get any of his spooge in your eyes, cuz that shit burns!

Good luck

This And That

Name: Sucksalottacock
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Location: Wisconsin
Does having lesbian sex feel the same as two gay guys having sex? Please answer my question asap. I’m very curious.

Yes, lesbian sex feels exactly the same as two gay guys having sex; only it’s completely different.lesbian_tickle.jpg

Okay. So you, a male, want to appreciate the finer points of the Sapphic arts, is that right? Well, here’s the thing—you can’t. Know why? Because you aren’t a woman! Unless you have female genitalia, female nerve endings, and a female nervous system and brain to tie it all together, all I can really throw at you is an endless supply of really shitty metaphors. So let me be succinct: it feels good.

The mysteries of female sexuality are completely inexplicable to us benighted men folk. We can only imagine the throws of ecstasy a woman must feel as she dissolves into a puddle of orgasmic bliss. And when ya put two of these creatures together for some hot dyke sex…ahhh well there’s no wrapping our head around that no matter how hard we try.

I suppose that’s why so much of straight porn is dedicated to girl-on-girl sex. Straight guys apparently love having their faces rubbed in their pitiful inadequacy, so to speak.

Good luck.

Name: Megan
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: Maryland
So the guy I’m seeing has a bent dick. He told me that a girl came down too hard on it and now it’s bent permanently. I’m wondering if that could be true. Thank you

banana_009A serious injury to a guy’s dick could indeed make it curve. But what your BF claims happened is hard for me to believe. Cock curvature is not uncommon. Fact is many men have dicks that swerve from the straight and narrow. Some curve to the left, and others to the right. Some curve up, some curve down.

You’re clear on the concept of what creates wood, right? An erection occurs when two tubular structures that run the length of the penis, the corpora cavernosa, become engorged with blood. Imagine his cock is a balloon with two separate inflatable tubes on either side. If you put more air pressure in the tube on one side, the balloon will curve. Simple as all that!corpora cavernosa

Many guys believe that a bent cock is caused by wearing tight briefs instead of boxers or that it’s caused by circumcision or jerking off too much. These are all myths. However, rough or heavy-handed masturbation during one’s youth can promote a curvature later in life. That’s why I always promote handling one’s pecker with a great deal of care.

Good luck.

A Boy’s Own Pleasure

Name: Caleb
Gender: male
Age: 22
Location: USA
I just watched some porn videos and in one of the movies a guy actually blew himself. I thought, DAMN! How do I learn how to do that?

Autofellatio, or self-sucking is every man’s dream, Caleb. Of course, if all of us men folk could blow ourselves, there’d be no good reason for anyone of us to ever leave our house.yoga

According to the Kinsey Report less than 1% of males can lick or suck their own cock. Obviously, suckin’ is more difficult than lickin’, because the guy’s gotta fold himself over to a greater degree to get more of his unit in his mouth.

Did you know that there is archaeological evidence for self-administered blowjobs in Egyptian hieroglyphs? That’s right! According to researcher David Lorton, “Many ancient texts refer to autofellatio within the religious mythology of Egypt. The sun god Ra is said to have created the god Shu and goddess Tefnut by sucking himself off, then spitting out his spunk into the ground.” Yeah baby, give me that old time religion!

Successful self-sucking is dependent on two things — having a big enough dick and being limber as all get-out so you can pretty much bend in half. Every guy can do something about his flexibility, but none of us can grow his dick longer. That’s why this behavior remains a fantasy for the vast majority of us.

If you want to suck your own cock it’s a good idea to begin with expanding your range of motion, by becoming more limber. Concentrate on stretching exercises that will help improve the flexibility in your legs, lower back, upper back and neck.

Begin by stretching out your legs. While lying flat on the floor, with your legs fully extended. Lift each leg in succession. Take hold of your calf or thigh and pull your now bent leg toward your chest. Hold this for 15 seconds, release, breathe deeply, and repeat five more times. Once you’re able to do one leg at a time, work on doing both legs at once. Be careful not to over stretch, you don’t want to pull a muscle.

autofellatio-34028Next stretch your back and neck. While lying flat on the floor, clasp your fingers together place them behind your head and slowly roll yourself up while your hold your chin to your chest. This will be exactly like doing a crunch, only completely different. Hold these stretches for 15 seconds apiece, release, breathe deeply, and repeat five more times.

Once you’ve mastered these stretches to the point you can pert near fold yourself in half, you should be getting close to being able to lick your own dick…if it’s long enough, that is.

While lying flat on the floor place, roll yourself up, legs to your head and place your knees, one at a time, on either side of your head so you’re looking at your crotch and your pud is pointed towards your lips. Don’t forget to breathe through these stretches. And be sure to come out of the stretches real slowly; you don’t want to pull a muscle.

Now wrap your arms around the back of your knees and pull your dick closer to your mouth. If it’s meant to be, this is how it will happen. If it’s not meant to be it won’t. But don’t despair, all those stretching exercises you’ve been doing will make you a much better lover because you will be much more limber for sexual gymnastics with a partner.

Good luck

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