6 myths about male orgasms

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  • Sexual stereotypes often lead people to question whether their sexual experiences are normal or not.
  • Myths that suggest penis size matters for sexual pleasure, blue balls can cause long-term problems, and men have to ejaculate to experience pleasure abound, but they’re scientifically inaccurate.

When it comes to sex and sexual experiences, no two are the same.

But stereotypes may cause you to believe blanket statements about sexual health and what’s “normal.”

People with penises, for example, may think their penis size affects how good they are in the bedroom, or that premature ejaculation is incurable, when neither is true.

To debunk pervasive penis and orgasm myths, Insider spoke with sexual health experts.

Myth: Penis size affects sexual satisfaction

The idea that a bigger penis is always better one has long-existed, but Brahmbatt told Insider the length and girth of a person’s member isn’t a direct reflection of how sexually satisfied they or their partner will be.

“Most guys are fine in terms of size and girth. But when they size themselves up against the adult film industry they may start having insecurities,” Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt, a urologist in Orlando, Florida, told Insider.

When a patient tells Brahmbatt penis size is a concern for them, he reminds them the average penis is 3.5 inches long when flaccid and 5.1 inches when erect.

He also said a normally healthy person, whether they fall above or below the average, shouldn’t experience lack of sexual satisfaction due to size alone. 

Myth: ‘Blue balls’ can be deadly

It’s certainly scary to see your testicles turn blue and to feel pain and discomfort in your penis.

But those sensations, which are often indicative of the condition epididymal hypertension, or “blue balls,” aren’t life-threatening or a risk for permanent damage.

Epididymal hypertension occurs when a person has “excess blood remaining in the testicles from a wave of erections not followed by ejaculation,” according to Brahmbatt.

Normally, when a man gets aroused, blood flows to the penis and testicles, and causes an erection. If the man ejaculates, the blood returns to a normal level. But if he doesn’t, blue balls can occur instead.

Brahmbatt said there’s no “cure” for blue balls. 

“Anecdotally, the quickest way to recovery appears to be ejaculation. Other ways discussed in forums include ice packs, avoiding erections, [and] exercise of some sort,” he said.

In some cases, symptoms of a more serious problem could be confused with blue balls, so its important to see a doctor if it doesn’t go away, Brahmbatt said.

Myth: Men never fake orgasms

When men reach climax, the tell-tale sign is ejaculation.

But Brahmbatt said that doesn’t exempt men from faking orgasms.

“Men can fake the sights and sounds of an orgasm. The only problem is there may be not visible ejaculate. They could, at that time, just blame it on a medication or medical problem,” Brahmbatt said.

Myth: Men can’t have more than one orgasm at a time

Some women can have consecutive orgasms during sex without any downtime. But since the majority of men ejaculate during climax, they’re less likely to experience more than one orgasm in a single sex session.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, according to Kinsey Institute sex researcher Justin Lehmiller.

The reason men typically only have one orgasm is the refractory period, or time it takes after ejaculating for the penis to become erect again.

“The length of this period is highly variable across men, but could be just a few minutes in a younger guy compared to hours (or maybe even days) in older guys,” Lehmiller wrote on his website where he shares his research findings.

But some men can orgasm without ejaculating, so for them, it’s possible to have more than one orgasm in a row since the refractory period is taken out of the equation.

In fact, a 1989 study looked at 21 men who were able to have consecutive orgasms without a refractory period.

Myth: Premature ejaculation is incurable

Premature ejaculation, or ejaculating before you or your partner would like during sex, is a common problem among men.

As Insider previously reported, 1 in 3 men have experienced premature ejaculation at some point in their lives. But it can be fixed with the help of topicals, condoms, and medications.

According to Dr. Seth Cohen, a urologist at NYU Langone Health, penis sprays and condoms from Promescent and Roman contain ingredients that temporarily desensitize the penis to prevent early onset ejaculation.

Cohen said SSRIs like Prozac, which are commonly used to treat depression, may be used off-label to delay ejaculation. These medications essentially tell your penis to hold out a bit longer.

You could also try using as-needed erectile dysfunction medications like Viagra or Cialis off-label, according to Cohen.

Myth: Men must ejaculate to be satisfied or to experience sexual pleasure

According to Brahmbatt, the need to ejaculate during sex comes down to personal preference.

“I have met men that are satisfied without having the classic signs of sex/ejaculation,” he said.

Complete Article HERE!

Pornography has been linked to easier, better orgasms in women

This study has linked female porn consumption to orgasms that are easier to achieve and more satisfying during both masturbation and partnered sex.

A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes in women.

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  • A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes for women.
  • Researchers had 2,433 women complete an anonymous survey in which they provided both demographic information and completed several assessments related to their sex lives. Both masturbation and partnered sex were taken into account.
  • Studies like this can alter misconceptions about how porn impacts our relationships.

A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes in women. In fact, according to this new research, the use of pornography among women is associated with several positive outcomes including better orgasms that are easier to achieve.

“In this particular study, we examined whether frequency of pornography use during masturbation can predict sexual response outcomes such as difficulty reaching orgasm, latency to orgasm, and orgasmic pleasure during both masturbation and partnered sex,” explains study author Sean M. McNabney.

Will watching porn really make your sex life better?

In this study, researchers had 2,433 women from the United States and Hungary complete an anonymous survey, in which they provided demographic information and completed several assessments related to their sex lives. This study unearthed some very interesting observations that challenge much of the stereotypes and misconceptions people place around female porn viewing habits.

Pornography use is more common in…

Pornography use during masturbation was more common among pre-menopausal women, women who reported persistent anxiety or depression, non-heterosexual women, and women who had two or more partners.

Pornography use during masturbation was also more popular among American women than women from Hungary.

Positive outcomes related to pornography use can include…

More frequent use of pornography was related to positive outcomes during masturbation including less difficulty becoming aroused, less orgasmic difficulty, greater time to orgasm, greater orgasmic pleasure, and a higher percent of time reaching orgasm.

More frequent use of pornography for partnered sex was related to positive outcomes like less difficulty becoming aroused and greater time to orgasm.

Pornography use does not negatively impact relationships as much as many people think.

There was no association between pornography and sexual relationship satisfaction, which challenges the assumption that pornography is harmful to partnered sexual relationships.

More frequent pornography use was not associated with lower sexual responsivity. In fact, pornography use during masturbation predicted great ease becoming aroused during partnered sex.

The missing parameters of this study are important to note.

The study did not assess whether some women perceive themselves as dependent upon (or addicted to) pornography in order to achieve orgasm. This is important to note because distress resulting from pornography use may independently interfere with the female sexual response cycle.

Some other things impacted impaired sexual function in women that are worth taking note of, including lower levels of educational attainment and mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression were also associated with lower relationship/sexual satisfaction.

It’s time to rethink how porn impacts our relationships

It’s more common than ever for women to consume porn. Back in 2016, the average percentage of women who consumed porn was 26 percent worldwide. In 2018, that number was much higher, with 3 out of every 10 PornHub users identifying as female.

While this may be surprising to some, it really shouldn’t be considering the lengths this industry has gone to in order to become inclusive, accepting, and more appealing to people of all genders and sexual orientations.

Visual porn platforms (such as PornHub) are still on top, but not for long.

In 2019, there were over 42 billion visits to PornHub, one of the largest visual porn platforms around. This means there was an average of 115 million visits to the website per day. Their statistics outline that the amount of content available on the site at any given time that year would have taken 169 years to watch.

Other visual pornography platforms have similar statistics, however there is a new kind of porn rising—and it’s captivating the imagination of women, in particular.

Audio porn is offering a more widely accepted, inclusive, and all-encompassing approach to sexual health and happiness.

“Audio porn” has been around for longer than you may realize, with the first phone sex line being launched in 1977 by Gloria Leonard. The 2010s saw a rise in audio porn, with platforms like Quinn and Dipsea breaking onto the pornography scene in a big way. Now, in 2020, platforms like Audiodesires, Voxxx, and more are following suit.

Audio porn offers a more in-depth, immersive, imaginative experience for women who previously found visual sex to be off-putting, offensive, or crude. More than that, it’s making the concept of pornography more “acceptable” and appreciated in mainstream media, with more attention being paid to these new platforms from sources like Yahoo and the New York Times.

Studies like this can alter misconceptions about how porn impacts our relationships.

“Some readers may be relieved to learn that pornography use is fairly common among women and is unlikely to interfere with sexual functioning during partnered relationships. Other variables such as ongoing anxiety/depression or sexual relationship dissatisfaction appear to more consistently predict sexual problems,” said McNabney.

Complete Article HERE!

It’s Time to Solve All That Sexual Frustration You’re Feeling

No more pent-up dissatisfaction.

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No matter your relationship status—whether you’re trying to reap the benefits of being single or find yourself in a marriage that’s lacking intimacy—feeling sexually frustrated is no fun, nor is it something to ignore. Satiating your sex drive is important, as experts say it’s closely tied to overall quality of life. So if you’re feeling regularly dissatisfied, here’s how to identify what might be happening—and how to fix it—so you can get back to feeling nothing but pleasure in between those sheets.

Let’s start by defining what exactly sexual frustration is.

Simply put, it’s exactly how it sounds—any feelings of frustration or dissatisfaction with your current sexual interaction or lack thereof, says Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist and author of Use Your Mouth: Pocket-Sizes Conversations to Increase 7 Types of Intimacy In and Out of the Bedroom. “[It occurs when the sexual experiences you want are not in alignment with what you’re getting.”

And yep, it’s 100 percent normal to feel frustrated (sexually or not, TBH). “Most people—regardless of gender, sexuality, or relationship status—will experience sexual frustration at some point in their life,” Howard says. “Those in non-monogamous relationships deal with sexual frustration as well, especially since not all open relationships involve sex.”

What are some symptoms of feeling sexually frustrated?

People experience and exhibit symptoms of sexual frustration differently, Howard says. Some, for instance, might lose interest in sex and consistently decline it, she explains, whereas others may seek more of it (potentially with someone who isn’t their current partner) or decide to masturbate when they’d prefer sex. Symptoms of depression may start to crop up as well, and changes in mood are common, she adds.

Physically speaking, “you might feel a sense of buildup or tension without the desired sense of relief,” says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The New Sex Bible. “It can be as simple as experiencing blood flow to the genitals (or another region you’ve come to associate with pleasure or orgasm), and when you don’t experience the pleasure or orgasm, you might find yourself feeling frustrated.”

To help identify how you’re feeling, O’Reilly suggests asking yourself why you have sex. “What benefits do you derive, and how do you feel before, during, and after?” she asks. “Are those feelings overwhelmingly positive, neutral, or negative?” If your answer is landing more in the neutral to negative territory, you may be feeling a little (or a lot) frustrated.

That said, symptoms of sexual frustration are not the end-all be-all, as O’Reilly says sometimes it’s about resetting expectations. “Feelings are not permanent states of being,” she says. “They’re temporary experiences and you can make attitudinal and behavioral adjustments to change the way you feel.”

But what exactly causes these frustrated feelings?

There are a wide variety of experiences that could lead to sexual frustration. Anything from not being able to orgasm and not having your pleasure prioritized, to feeling pressured to have more sex or not having enough of it—all can be a major hindrance, O’Reilly says.

That said, there are a few common causes sex therapists often encounter. The first: unclear sexual boundaries and motives. “Sex is more satisfying to people when they feel they are getting what they expect,” Howard says. People in long-term relationships likely want to feel love and intimacy, for example, whereas those who solely engage for sexual pleasure may want more raw desire. “When these expectations are discussed and agreed on upfront, each person can commit to the outcome,” she adds. In other words, you can’t just expect someone to know how to please you—communication is key.

Speaking of communication—or a lack thereof—not discussing mismatched libidos and falling into ho-hum routines can also cause frustration. If you know what to expect and there’s no variety in your sex life, it’s tough to feel motivated to, well, keep doing it, Howard says. Same goes for feeling like you “should” have sex because society tells you to (we’ve all heard the “have sex at least three times a week rule”), or because you have a partner with a higher sex drive than you. To be clear, having mismatched libidos doesn’t mean your sexual relationship with this partner is doomed. But it does mean you have to talk about it so those feelings of sexual frustration can be put to bed.

Other experiences ranging from medical conditions and treatment side effects to sexual identity, relationship issues outside of the bedroom, and external factors (think work-related problems, child rearing, or societal stressors) could be at play. The key thread is to examine all areas of your life to help identify the root cause.

How do I deal with it?

Rectifying sexual frustration is one of those things that needs to be done with lots of care and consideration for both yourself and your partner. First up: identifying the actual cause of the frustration.

“Start by ruling out any medical issues or possible interaction from medications or supplements,” Howard says. Next, use your mouth—by talking to your partner. “Lots of people have sex, but rarely talk about it,” she says. “Create a regular sex check-in where you discuss what’s working well, and what you’d like to see change.”

From there, you may want to shift the way you view sex. “Frustration often results from outcomes not meeting expectations, but it’s important to note that when you have a specific outcome in mind, you may be setting yourself up for frustration,” O’Reilly says. “One way to avoid sexual frustration is to explore sexual pleasure for pleasure’s sake, as opposed to focusing on a specific goal.”

And again, talk to your partner—alone or potentially with the help of a sex therapist—as Howard stresses it’s important your partner knows, understands, and agrees on your sexual expectations and boundaries each and every time they shift. (And yes, it’s always OK for them to shift.)

If you’re single, or just riding solo in the midst of a pandemic…

Partner or not, you don’t have to be abstinent. If the sexual frustration you’re feeling is due to a lack of sex, Howard suggests practicing solo touch and solo sex. “Masturbate, take yourself out on dates, and appreciate all of the things about you that you’d want a partner to,” she says. O’Reilly agrees: “Don’t let the absence of a partner hold you back from lending yourself a hand or reaching for your favorite toy.” (Don’t know where to start? Here are our favorite options for beginners.)

Regardless of your relationship status, remember to take care of you. “Oftentimes we complain about being sexually frustrated as though it’s someone else’s job to address our feelings—it’s not,” O’Reilly says. “You’re responsible for your own sexual fulfillment…It’s up to you to decide what works.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Clit Test Is Like The Bechdel Test For Sex Scenes

By Susan Devaney

You’d be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t watched Meg Ryan apparently reaching climax in a packed diner in When Harry Met Sally, the hit Nora Ephron movie that had everyone talking about faking orgasms back in 1989. Ryan’s infamous performance was for comic effect, but 30 years on, the women behind the Clit Test argue that actual sex scenes are still a long way from a convincing depiction of female pleasure (and what it takes to get there) – which is why they’re hellbent on seeing more realistic portrayals of intercourse on screen.

“Our culture still acts like the clitoris is a kind of secret or just something that might occasionally get involved in sex, but in terms of pleasure, the clit is really the equivalent of the penis,” campaign founder Frances Rayner tells British Vogue. “We’d think it ludicrous for a man to have sex without his penis ever getting a look in. But so often the sex we see on screen ignores the clitoris entirely.” Maybe that’s why, in addition to the iconic fashion moments, women (and men) loved HBO’s Sex And The City. The clitoris frequently cropped up in conversation over brunch (thank you, Samantha Jones), and while the show celebrated all of the good things about sex, it didn’t gloss over the bad and the ugly parts in the process. But SATC sadly left our screens over 16 years ago.

In 2020, TV and film’s portrayal of women’s sexual pleasure needs to catch up with the reality. “Numerous academics have pointed out that this misleading ‘sexual script’ is one of the main reasons women and girls who have sex with men have alarming rates of disappointing, bad and even painful sex,” explains Rayner. One such academic is Professor Elisabeth Lloyd, author of The Case of the Female Orgasm, whose research proves the campaign – which she’s backing – is long overdue. “In both Hollywood films and porn, the sex act is portrayed so it represents only about 6-10 per cent of women’s response,” she says. “That’s how many women have orgasm with plain intercourse, without additional clitoral stimulation. The fact that Hollywood films and porn choose to misrepresent the experience of 90-94 per cent of women needs to change.”

It’s this same frustration that led Rayner (a 34-year-old straight cis woman, who works for a charity in Glasgow), and Irene Tortajada (a 25-year-old cis bi woman, who works for a charity in London), to come together to try to change things. The result is the Clit Test, which celebrates those films and shows that do acknowledge the existence of the clitoris, and its importance. “We worked together for a few months when she [Tortajada] was living in Glasgow and quickly became friends,” says Rayner. “I took a four-day a week job 18 months ago to give me time to finally make the Clit Test happen, as I think the sex script has a really bad impact on women’s lives, and it’s just some outdated nonsense we can easily fix. I’ve grown frustrated with sex scenes I see on TV, which always seemed to involve a woman reaching orgasm through penis-in-vagina sex. Very rarely do they feature the sex acts we know most reliably bring women and people with vulvas to climax – like receiving oral sex, or having their vulva touched with either hands or a vibrator.”

Maybe that’s why the BBC’s TV adaptation of Sally Rooney’s Normal People was heaped with praise for its realistic sex scenes (the book that inspired it also attempts to destigmatise another taboo: period sex). However, the clitoris is never actually mentioned in the show. So, which films and shows do pass the Clit Test? “Michaela Cole’s Chewing Gum is one of my favourites,” says Rayner. “It consistently passes throughout and it’s just such a funny, well-written account of a teenage girl who is both horny and in control, and also very confused by the minimal sex education that she is getting from mainstream porn and friends.”

It’s something Rayner relates to. “My awakening came when I was 20 after I read the Hite Report: A Nationwide Study Of Female Sexuality for a gender studies module at university. In her landmark 1976 study, Shere Hite found that only 1.5 per cent of women masturbated through penetration, whereas 86 per cent said they only ever touched the outside of their vulva. The remaining 12 per cent of women who masturbated did both. I was astonished to learn not only the stats themselves, but the fact that this was widely published at the time. It turned out I was entirely normal – the weird thing was that the definition of what sex is in our culture is something that only works for people with penises.”

Therein lies the issue: most of the sex we see on screen is through a male lens. When women are writing the script, we get to see it laid bare. “Another one I really liked was Aisling Bea’s This Way Up,” says Rayner. “When Freddie and Áine have penetrative sex, after he comes and they lie back down he asks if he can make her come. This shouldn’t be revolutionary, but even just acknowledging that a woman won’t have come from penetration is a huge step forward. There are lots of other good examples like Booksmart, Succession and Orange is the New Black.”

Tortajada and Rayner say they have been showered with “amazingly positive” responses to their campaign. “We’ve had support from Professor Elisabeth Lloyd, Dr Laurie Mintz, a lecturer in human sexuality and author of Becoming Cliterate, Golden Globe and Emmy-winner Rachel Bloom, and bestselling author Holly Bourne,” says Rayner. “A lot of women have reached out on Instagram to say thank you for raising something that is long overdue. We’re keen to make it a positive, inclusive campaign that celebrates women and our sexuality – we more often praise the passes than slate the fails. Ultimately, we want to see more clit-friendly sex acts on screen.”

Complete Article HERE!

5 Things Getting In The Way Of Black Women’s Sex Lives

By Ashley Townes, Ph.D., MPH

Like many other aspects of our society, sexuality education in the United States often reflects majority populations—i.e., white experiences.

While there’s been some research dedicated to understanding the sexual lives of Black women, much of it focuses on identifying what types of sexual behaviors they’re engaging in, messages of risk and prevention, and health disparities between Black women and white women. This approach to understanding Black women’s sex lives can have negative consequences such as stereotypes, stigma, and bias from doctors. Not to mention, this approach leaves out all of the aspects of their sexual lives that are exciting, fun, and pleasurable.

According to my professional work as a sexual health researcher and my personal experiences as a Black woman myself, here are five things that get in the way of Black women’s sex lives being authentic, shame-free, and enjoyable—and how Black women can overcome them:

1. Stereotypes and myths about Black sexuality.

The sexual lives of Black women have historically been misrepresented by stereotypes and myths. A few historical images that Black women have been labeled as include the mammy, jezebel, welfare mother, and angry Black woman. In general, Black women have also often been portrayed as being sexually experienced and/or engaging in sexual risk-taking behaviors rather than as being sexually responsible and having sexual autonomy. Many of these stereotypes and myths persist in mainstream media, affecting how people view Black women and their sex lives.

Stereotypes and myths are harmful to Black women because they affect how they view themselves and how they believe they are viewed by others. Stereotypes and myths might also play a role in dating, relationships, and sexual behaviors. For example, the idea or belief that Black women are “promiscuous” may cause a woman to feel ashamed of her true sexual identity and behaviors. A woman may feel embarrassed to have sexual conversations for fear of being judged. She may even feel obligated to have a certain kind of sexual life (perhaps due to respectability politics—messages received about how Black women are to act, speak, dress, etc.).

2. Health disparities in sexual health care.

Education, income level, and insurance status can all affect a person’s access to health care and its quality, and these same factors also affect racial differences seen in sexual health care. Black women can often feel that they are not listened to or treated fairly by doctors or the health care system, or they’ve had negative experiences receiving sexual health care specifically.

As the fight for social justice has gained more attention due to the many Black lives that have been subjected to police brutality, it is important that the fight for sexual and reproductive justice remains a part of the conversation to end racism, discrimination, and stigma in health care settings. Health equity is a social justice issue, and until the distribution of wealth, education, housing, and various other privileges are addressed, Black women will continue to bear a higher burden of disease, illness, and even death.

3. A lack of culturally sensitive sex education.

America lacks comprehensive sexuality education in general, but this is especially true when it comes to culturally sensitive sex education. Information that includes the historical and present-day views of Black sexuality is important for youth and young adults to understand the context behind the images they see in the media. Sexuality education should promote exploration and knowledge related to sexuality rather than reinforce or support stereotypical messages about minority groups.

In addition, there is a shortage of trained sexuality educators in cultural sensitivity and, therefore, many missed opportunities for Black girls to receive sexuality education that is unbiased. Black women need sexuality educators who are able to understand the social and cultural factors that affect Black women’s sexual lives and even have experiences similar to Black women. Diversity in sex education matters.

4. A focus on prevention instead of pleasure.

Sexuality research and sex education materials reflecting Black women tend to highlight adverse sexual and reproductive outcomes, such as the rates of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Meanwhile, the average sex ed class for Black teens seldom mentions more positive research such as data from the 2018 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a huge survey that revealed tons of really hopeful insights about Black women’s sex lives. The survey revealed that Black women engage in a variety of sexual behaviors, most find their recent experiences to be pleasurable, and most experienced an orgasm.

The fact that most mainstream conversations about Black sexuality have to do with talking about risks and negative sexual outcomes means we are lacking conversations about Black pleasure. Without open conversations about pleasure, women learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed to discuss their sexual desires with their partners. But sexual communication is important for sexual development and self-esteem. In fact, the ability to communicate about sex and pleasure can strengthen sexual relationships and improve sexual satisfaction overall.

5. Mistrust of medical providers.

Sexual communication is not only vital to sexual relationships; it is essential for doctor-patient relationships. Meeting with health care professionals for preventive care and to discuss sexual health concerns leads to a better sex life. Unfortunately, much of Black history in America stems from elements of slavery that has affected several generations. Medical experimentation on Black bodies is not just a thing of the past, and that history comes with understandable mistrust of information and treatment from medical providers. Throughout history, Black women have endured medical mistreatment and tend to feel as if they are unseen and unheard.

More than ever, Black women need access to quality sexual health care and, more importantly, a trusted medical provider. They deserve to feel like their sexual health care experiences are provided in a confidential, respectful, and nonjudgmental manner.

How Black women can take control of their sexual lives.

For many Black women, this is not new information. These issues and challenges have been persistent for quite some time. But what can you do about them?

First, become your own advocate. This means learning what resources are available in your area, finding out what preventive screenings and services are recommended before your appointments, and being prepared to ask questions when interacting with medical providers.

Second, find the things that work for you. This can include finding a doctor that understands your experiences as a Black woman (yes, it is OK to shop around for a doctor), finding Black sexuality educators to learn from online, and working to unlearn messages that have been harmful to your sexual development.

Lastly, work toward sexual agency. This means you have the ability to produce the results you want for your sexual life. The key to having a healthy and positive view of your sexual life starts with you.

Complete Article HERE!

Men are still having more orgasms than women

One in 20 women have never orgasmed with a sexual partner

By Almara Abgarian

If you thought the orgasm gap was a thing of the past, we are sadly here to tell you that this is not the case.

A new study from the sex toy company Lelo has revealed that men are still climaxing more often than women during sex, 66% compared to 43% respectively.

What’s more, almost one in 20 women have never orgasmed with a sexual partner.

The findings, which have been released for National Orgasm Day (that’s today) are the result of a survey with 4,000 heterosexual female and male participants from across the UK.

To make matters worse, not only do women climax less, but it appears many of their male partners are unaware that this is even happening, with majority of participants in relationships saying their partner orgasms 60% of the time.

This is still quite a low figure – but this could partially be due to some women not being physically able to climate during sex, rather than lack of trying by their partner.

More likely however, this is due to the orgasm gap.

What is the orgasm gap?

‘The orgasm gap refers to the stats that show that in heterosexual sexual experiences men orgasm more than women,’ explains Kate Moyle, sex and relationships expert at Lelo.

‘We also see that this gap doesn’t exist when women are having sexual experiences with women, which suggests that the gap is gendered.’

Kate explains that this is due to a variety of factors, such as lack of education, cultural differences and the fact that many people focus on intercourse to reach climax, where majority of women require clitoral stimulation to get off.

But why is the clitoris so often forgotten or ignored?

‘This is reinforced by what we see represented in many forms of sex online and in the media, where women appear to be orgasming from penetrative sex with little or no arousal,’ she says.

‘Commonly we also split up foreplay and sex, which puts the focus on “sex” as the main event, when if we reframe and think of it all as sex where the goal is pleasure then the clitoris, which is the main source of female pleasure with 8000 nerve endings would get more attention.

‘It’s not all about taking the focus off penetration, but ensuring that people are aware then when women are aroused, the clitoris becomes erect like the penis, and this means the internal structure can be stimulated and can create pleasurable sensations through intercourses, but arousal and being turned on is the key.’

‘The side effect of this lack of sex education is few of us feel confident with sexual communication, and being open about what feels good for us, and this is one of the key routes to creating change.’

Additional research by Lelo revealed three in 10 people fake their orgasms on a regular basis, with women more likely to do so, according to the study.

And only a third of those surveyed have spoken to their partner about their orgasms, or rather lack of orgasms – with men (73%) more likely to raise the issue, compared to women (56%).

If you’re missing out on orgasms, it’s time to speak up.

Complete Article HERE!

It took us long enough, but we’re finally paying attention to women’s pleasure

By Erin Magner

While the history of women and pleasure is fraught with stigma, it appears we’re in the midst of a pleasure revolution. Now, female-identifying founders are creating pornography, sex toys, sex-education platforms, and erotica, all of which normalizes and celebrates a woman’s right to get off. Not only are consumers turned on by this building movement—the global sex toy market alone is expected to be worth $35 billion by 2023, up from $23.7 billion in 2017—but investors, too, are shuttling millions of dollars into sexual wellness start-ups such as Dipsea, a sexy short-story app, and Unbound, an e-tailer selling sex toys and other bedroom accessories. In short, there’s never been a better time than now for having a vulva and loving to orgasm.

So how did we get to this place of openness when, just two decades ago, Samantha Jones’ unapologetic pursuit of big Os on Sex and the City was considered radical? While there have been many twists and turns throughout the history of women and pleasure, it can be argued that the modern movement’s roots first planted in the 1950s. Back then, attitudes toward sexuality were still, in many ways, informed by the repressive Victorian era—when society demanded a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude toward female desire. Yet in 1953, sexologist and biologist Alfred C. Kinsey, PhD, published his landmark (and controversial) book titled Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, which shed light on women’s then-rarely discussed habits regarding masturbation, orgasms, and sex before marriage. (Spoiler alert: Among the 6,000 women interviewed for the book, all of those activities were highly popular.) From there, the world slowly but surely opened its eyes to women as sexual beings.

The early history of women and pleasure

Four years following the release of Dr. Kinsey’s book, William Masters and Virginia Johnson began their pioneering work on the physical mechanisms behind sexual arousal at Washington University in St. Louis. Their most groundbreaking findings are still frequently cited today, like the four stages of sexual arousal—excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution—and the idea that women are able to have multiple orgasms. “Even the very suggestion that sexual pleasure might be important for women and not just men was massively radical during those times,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex-toy brand Lelo.

As the history of women and pleasure progressed, a succession of cultural milestones continued to help champion the idea of non-procreative sex among women. First, the birth control pill hit the market in 1960, which officially allowed women to have sex without the prospect of pregnancy. Helen Gurley Brown’s book Sex and the Single Girl (1962) gave advice for sex and dating as an unmarried woman, and a group of Boston women later self-published the seminal Our Bodies, Ourselves (1970), which provided evidence-based information to teach women about their sexual anatomy. Then as the hippie counterculture spread a message of free love, leaders of the second-wave feminist movement encouraged women to take an active role in their own sexual experience. You know, like men had been doing for centuries beforehand.

Despite all of this progress, however, Dr. Vrangalova points out that the framework for female pleasure in the 1960s and early ’70s was still largely based on a male perspective. “Given that the ’60s were a time when women were still very much second-class citizens, the way sexual pleasure was conceptualized was the way men, rather than women, thought about pleasure,” she says. “There’s no doubt women participated, but it seems like they adopted the male-driven vision of sexual pleasure, rather than focusing specifically on female pleasure. This was an inevitable product of the times—even scientists across diverse fields believed that whatever findings were true of men were also true of women, more or less.” For instance, at this point in the history of women and pleasure, there was still a pervasive view that women, like men, should be able to reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone.

“The ’60s were a time when women were still very much second-class citizens, and the way sexual pleasure was conceptualized was the way men, rather than women, thought about pleasure.”
—sexologist Zhana Vrangalova, PhD

Thankfully, in 1976, sex educator Shere Hite’s book The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality re-emphasized the importance of clitoral stimulation in reaching orgasm—an idea put forth by Dr. Kinsey two decades previously. (It wasn’t until 2005, however, that researchers led by Australian urologist Helen O’Connell, MD, would actually create a full map of the clitoris’ internal and external structures.) Then, in 1982, a book titled The G Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality, brought this then-little-known erogenous zone—and the concept of female ejaculation—into the public consciousness.

But soon after, new discoveries around women’s pleasure began to cool off, a phenomenon that Dr. Vrangalova attributes to the early days of the HIV/AIDS crisis. “Unfortunately, that swung the pendulum on sexual pleasure—male and female—back toward the more conservative end of the spectrum, and America entered the Dark Ages of abstinence-only sexual education,” she says. “This had the incredibly harmful effects of sexually crippling an entire generation of Americans with lack of information, increasing fear of sex and STIs, and increasing stigma around pleasure, especially if it was outside of long-term committed relationships.”

Women are sexual beings, but there’s a pleasure gap to close and stigma to stop

Fast-forward a decade, however, and pleasure once again started to creep back into the zeitgeist. But even in 1999, when Sex and the City was must-watch viewing, 40 percent of women still claimed to experience sexual disfunction, characterized by a lack of sexual desire and difficulty attaining arousal.

According to public-health researcher Katherine Rowland‘s new book, The Pleasure Gap, this feeling of sexual dissatisfaction still endures, despite all the strides that have been made during the past 60-plus years. “Among the women who I spoke to, the persistent low desire was heavily associated with the idea that sex should revolve around penetration as the main course, with maybe a polite prelude of a foreplay, rather than thinking about sex as a broader universe of intimacy,” Rowland previously told NPR. “It’s the combination of a larger culture that privileges male sexuality over women’s, a culture that doesn’t teach women that pleasure belongs to them. A lack of anatomical self-knowledge. And feelings of sort of persistent danger and women being often censored and censured for expressing their desire.”

Yet on all of these fronts, the tides have been slowly turning in recent years, thanks in large part to the rise of the digital age. “The internet and smartphones enabled unprecedented access to vast amounts of sexual pleasure information and to all sorts of alternative and more liberal sexual values and lifestyles,” says Dr. Vrangalova, who notes that online porn and erotica helped to normalize the concept of “a women’s right to pleasure.”

Furthermore, the #MeToo movement of 2017 set the stage for the current pleasure revolution. “There are a lot of women who relived their traumas during #MeToo…it wasn’t a linear path,” says Alexandra Fine, sexologist and CEO of next-gen vibrator company Dame. “But it does ultimately feel like it empowered women to reclaim their sexual pleasure as their own and to speak more openly about it.”

It’s that open dialogue around sex that’s leading women to get curious about their own pleasure patterns right now—and that’s clearing a path for companies to create products and services that help them get to know their own bodies. “[At Dame,] we’re hearing so many stories of women being really honest about what their sexual experiences are in an unfiltered way that wasn’t available before,” Fine adds.

What to expect from the next chapter in the history of women and pleasure

As knowledge gaps continue to emerge around women’s sexual pleasure, organizations like Allbodies—a digital sex-ed platform—are stepping up to fill them. Allbodies co-founder and doula Ash Spivak says there are still many vulva-owners who feel alienated by conventional pleasure wisdom, either because they’ve previously experienced trauma or by virtue of the fact that everyone’s body works differently. “We have so much emphasis on orgasms in general as being the pinnacle, but pleasure is a spectrum,” she says. “There’s so much room in there to really play around and that’s really never been taught.”

“We have so much emphasis on orgasms in general as being the pinnacle, but pleasure is a spectrum. There’s so much room in there to really play around and that’s really never been taught.”
—Ash Spivak, Allbodies co-founder

There are also plenty of institutions that aren’t yet ready for an open dialogue around female arousal at this point in the history of women and pleasure. For instance, Facebook still doesn’t allow advertising for sex toys—although it does allow ads for sexual-health companies, like those promoting erectile-disfunction treatments for men. And Fine says targeting this is the next frontier of the pleasure revolution.

“This conversation around advertising policy is a really interesting place where it’s showing up,” she says, noting that Dame sued the New York City MTA in 2019 for refusing to run its vibrator ads in the subway. Changing this reality is part of her bigger mission for Dame. “If we can’t have public discourse around sexuality because we think it’s inherently inappropriate, then we’re pushing sex to the shadows. And the things that happen in the shadows when it comes to sex harm women.”

Fortunately, research is continuing to unveil nuances of the female sexual experience, which can only help to erase shame and popularize the idea that there’s no one-size-fits-all path to pleasure. One 2019 study, for instance, debunked the idea that all orgasms are positive experiences—some women do, indeed, view them as negative at times, particularly when they feel coerced into having sex or pressured into climaxing.

Brands are even contributing to our collective knowledge. Dame, for instance, asks members of its Dame Labs community to test its prototypes pre-launch and then uses feedback to fine-tune each product. For instance, Dame engineers were surprised to learn when developing the company’s first internal vibrator, the Arc, that testers considered the toy’s external sensations to be even more important than its internal stimulation properties—even though testers said they would purchase the toy to use internally. The engineers edited the design accordingly, and as a result, pleasure won.

And while pleasure is a right entitled to all people, vulva-owners certainly included, Fine, for one, believes there are even bigger health gains to to glean from knowing as much as possible about the female sexual experience. “I really believe that sex is part of our wellness—it’s literally what creates our life,” she says. ‘Why would we think it’s not constantly impacting [us]?”

Complete Article HERE!

Sex burns about 3 to 4 calories per minute

— here’s how to burn a little more

By

  • One study found that during the average sexual session, men burn about 101 calories, and women burn 69.1 calories.
  • This calorie-burning rate is much lower than a session on a treadmill, so don’t skip the gym.
  • You can burn more calories by being on top and making the sex last longer.
  • Sex may feel like a workout sometimes, but just how many calories are you actually burning under the sheets?

Researchers first posed that question in 1984, in a paper published in the Archives of Internal Medicine concluding that sex equated to light-to-moderate exercise. Several more studies since then have found similar conclusions.

In other words, if you’re looking to burn a lot of calories over a short period of time, hit the gym, not the bed. 

That said, there are some ways to boost the physical intensity of sex to shed a few more calories than you otherwise might. There are also other benefits to having sex than just pleasure and calorie loss.

The number of calories sex burns

There are no large scale studies on how many calories sex burns. Though there are several small ones where researchers have found ways to estimate the amount. Some of the most recent data we have is from 2013, when researchers from the University of Quebec in Montreal published their study of 21 young, healthy heterosexual couples to see how much energy they expended over four different sex sessions.

The study, published in PLOS One, found that during the average sexual activity session — which the researchers defined as foreplay, intercourse, and at least one partner’s orgasm — men burned 101 calories, and women burned 69.1 calories.

Factoring in how long each session lasted, the researchers concluded that the men burned, on average, 4.2 calories per minute compared to 3.1 calories per minute for women. This was significantly less than when the same participants exercised on a treadmill, where men burned 9.2 calories/min and women burned 7.1 calories/min — more than twice as much as sex.

Co-author of the study Antony Karelis, PhD, who’s a Professor in the Department of Exercise Science at the University of Quebec, Montreal, says “there is some kind of energy expenditure [during sex] but it’s not that big.”

Another study published in 2013 in the New England Journal of Medicine concluded similar results that a man in his 30s might only burn 21 calories during intercourse if he’s having sex for 6 minutes.

Five to six minutes is about the average duration of sexual intercourse — not including foreplay, of course. And, of course, calorie expenditure is individualized, meaning you may burn slightly more or fewer calories than these study participants.

But, if your steamy encounters last about as long as an infomercial, then you should not rely on sex either to burn a significant amount of calories or to get in your recommended amount of weekly exercise.

How to burn more calories during sex

Let’s get the obvious out of the way, first: Whoever is on top is probably doing most of the movement and will likely be expending more energy.

So, if you’re looking to burn a few more calories during sex, take charge and get on top, or have you and your partner take turns so you can both benefit. Breaking a sweat is a good indication that you’re putting in work, says Karelis.

You can also make the sex session last longer in hopes of burning more calories, but that’s easier said than done. As for different positions, “it would be incredibly difficult for people to change sex in such a substantial way that it would be equivalent to a workout,” says Debby Herbenick, PhD, professor of sexual and reproductive health at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “The Coregasm Workout: The Revolutionary Method for Better Sex Through Exercise.”

Herbenick adds that “there are endless sex positions, and I recommend that people choose the ones that are pleasurable for them and their partner, not the one that will burn five or 10 more calories.”

Exercise itself can enhance arousal, according to Herbenick. She says people can exercise in ways that boost their own arousal, and then take those lessons learned to the bedroom and enhance their own sexual experience. Alternatively, you can do some exercise with your partner before sex as some real calorie-burning foreplay, and then focus on simply enjoying sex.

The benefits of sex beyond calorie burning

If you’re feeling disappointed that sex doesn’t burn as many calories as you’d hoped, remember that sex has plenty of other health benefits.

Additionally, Karelis notes research has shown that having sex regularly reduces your risk of heart disease and is even associated with living longer–especially if you’re orgasming regularly. These benefits seem even better than burning calories, no?

Karelis hopes more research will be done in the near future so we can learn more about calorie expenditure and other health aspects regarding sex. There’s still a lot to learn.

Complete Article HERE!

Goal-Oriented Sex Could Be Ruining Your Intimate Life

By Vanessa Powell

While many women understand that overall pleasure, exploration, intimacy, and play should all be at center stage in a sexual experience, and not simply an orgasm (although, let’s be clear, it is still an important component), the latter often eclipses all else — which is why and how things can often go south. In fact, sex experts agree that goal-oriented sex can actually take the fun out of it for women altogether.

Thanks to social movements like The Cliteracy Project, an art series with the mission of educating a largely “il-cliterate” culture, women are more open to talking about their sexual experiences, preferences, and struggles than ever before. One of the major focal points of female sexuality to emerge in recent years involves the very real orgasm gap between men and women and the root of its existence. According to a 2016 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior that looked at more than 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — 95 percent of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared to just 65 percent of heterosexual women.

So, why are people creating a goal around something that should just have to do with mutual pleasure? Well, much of it can be traced back to a more archaic view of male and female sexuality — and orgasms in general. “Because the male orgasm is crucial to procreate, our society has built this idea that the male orgasm is crucial for sex; that sex begins with a hard penis and ends with a flaccid penis. Since women don’t have to orgasm to create life, it took a different level of societal importance,” says Shan Boodram, certified intimacy educator to The Zoe Report. “With that said, the majority of sex today has nothing to do with the desire to procreate. In fact, the orgasm numbers for women skyrocket in same-sex partnerships compared to heterosexual relationships. When you are with a same-sex partner, there is nothing to prove — it’s just about what feels good, and that is when naturally more orgasms and more pleasure occurs.”

Moral of the story here? Sex should be about being in the moment, true intimacy, and enjoying one another. It’s not a race to the finish line. “If you look at sex like, how good can I feel for as long as I want to feel it and for as long as my partner wants to feel it, great,” says Boodram. “And if an orgasm is the final result, even better. But if it’s just that you got more play time and felt great and relaxed, it’s still a successful sexual experience.”

Why Goal-Oriented Sex Is Sabotaging Your Intimate Life

Ashley Manta, sex and relationship coach and creator of lifestyle brand CannaSexual, seconds this notion. “Goal-oriented sex often robs the participants of the pleasure and joy of the experience,” says Manta. “Often the pressure to be demonstrative while receiving pleasure and to reach an arbitrary goal, in this case the orgasm… keeps them fixated on a point in the future.” Like anything in life, if you take yourself out of the present moment, it becomes difficult to enjoy.

Again, to be clear, orgasms are absolutely important and should be enjoyed by all, however, according to Sensual Embodiment Coach and Priestess of Passion, Ani Ferlise, “our attachment to the orgasm is ignoring all the amazing, healing, and nourishing pleasurable experiences in our bodies! We as a society are addicted to this very specific kind of pleasure based off of a male-bodied orgasm — a buildup of sensation, then a release. It’s the false promises that movies and porn portray. It’s two minutes of extreme penetration and there are fireworks… probably not going to happen.”

When one can detach themselves from the notion that climaxing makes the overall sexual experience a success, one can then truly become sexually free. Redefining what the orgasm is for you can actually help you relax more easily into one.

How To Be More Mindful With Your Sex Life

Ferlise holds Sex Magic coaching programs and workshops to help women cultivate their sacred sexual energy which, in turn, become a microcosm to nurturing passion, vibrancy, and connection in their overall life. One thing prevalent in her teachings is mindfulness, which is about remaining present in the moment and being aware of one’s bodily sensations. Intimacy starts with eye contact and can trickle into a conversation, a physical touch, or an energy exchange, even before any clothes are taken off. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to feel the desire, lust, and emotions as they come can help redefine the orgasm.

“Letting yourself sink into all the subtle sensations of pleasure, really leaning into it and feeling it in your body, and taking the same stock in that, can help you come back into your body and turn up the pleasure all over,” Ferlise says. When one is hyper focused on outside factors, they can train themselves to disassociate during sex, pushing their minds away from sensation, which ultimately decreases the amount one is able to feel.

Top Sex Tips For Ultimate Pleasure

Teach Your Partner What You Like

Manta tells her clients to “relax and breathe… and focus on what brings you the most pleasure, instead of what you think is going to get you off. Mimic the things you do when you’re masturbating and show your partner how you enjoy being touched.” Exploring self-pleasure is a great place to start in knowing what you like and dislike. Intimacy is uniquely personal — everyone’s body and interests are different, and we should communicate that to our partner or partners.

Get Out Of Your Head

One major complaint Ferlise says many women have during sex is that they think too much about how they look, how their partner feels, and how they are performing. “Adding all the body shame, the fear of being seen, and the fear of vulnerability, the fear of being broken because you think you can’t orgasm, the shame of not performing right — that so many women experience — it leads to a disconnect in your body and can cause you to check out during sex,” Ferlise says. Evidently, your partner will be much more turned on and notice the level of intimacy if you can truly unwind by letting go of these inhibitions.

Accessorize Your Sex Life

Adding tools into the mix can help build confidence in the bedroom. If you don’t feel completely comfortable being naked, try wearing sexy lingerie you feel great in. If you find yourself worried about lubrication and all that comes with it, try enlisting lube or organic coconut oil on your vulva to help ease your mind.

Get Moving

Movement is a helpful tool to be more present. “Move your body sensually in whatever way feels good,” says Ferlise. “Start to breathe into yourself deeply and focus your mind on your [vagina] and allow yourself to make some noise. As you exhale, you can moan and release sound. Your throat and your jaw are directly related to your pelvic bowl, and if they are tight and closed, so is your pelvic bowl.”

How To Embrace The Sex Life That Works For You

Women have an incredibly powerful sexual energy with great orgasmic potential. But this expands far beyond society’s picture of the “Big O.” Not only has culture suppressed the conversation and education around sex but it has put the female orgasm into a tiny box when it deserves so much more than a toe curl and high-pitched moan.

Everyone has the right to feel comfortable and unapologetic in their sexuality, whether that be via BDSM or missionary style twice a week. Closing the pleasure gap starts with experiencing and experimenting what works for you and letting go of the goal-oriented mindset. Don’t negate the importance of orgasms, but rather shift your mind to focus on how to achieve more overall pleasure. You deserve to feel safe and free in your body, as you are, at its highest potential.

Below are some products that help enhance sexual pleasure and health for people with vulvas. A happier healthier sex life should be on the top of everyone’s to-do list.

Complete Article HERE!

This Pioneering Sex Researcher Experimented on Herself

Marie Bonaparte’s interest in the clitoris went an inch too far.

By Mark Hay

In the mid-2000s, Kim Wallen, an Emory University psychobiologist with an interest in the roots of sexual experiences, told his colleague Elisabeth Lloyd, of the University of Indiana, Bloomington, about “a far-fetched idea” that he’d been mulling over for a couple of decades: Might individual variations in the shape of biologically female genitalia at least partially explain why some people with vaginas find it easier or harder than others to orgasm during penetrative sex? Lloyd’s own research, which went a long way in advancing popular understanding of female orgasms, had found that three-fourths of women don’t report consistently achieving orgasm from penetrative sex. But neither she nor any other modern sex researcher Wallen was aware of had tried to figure out whether anything physical might account for that.

Lloyd knew of one researcher who’d had the same idea, decades before Wallen, and published a mostly forgotten paper on it, in 1924. Intrigued, Wallen tracked down the text and discovered that its author, A.E. Narjani, was a pseudonym for an early, and unexpected, modern sex researcher: Marie Bonaparte, princess of Greece and Denmark, great-grandniece of Napoleon, heir to the fortune of Monte Carlo and aunt to Britain’s Prince Philip.

Born in 1882, Bonaparte had an irrepressibly sharp mind, a penchant for no-holds-barred confessional writing and a deep desire for sexual satisfaction. She wrote and spoke openly about her sex life and desires. That’s how we know her 50-year marriage to Prince George of Greece and Denmark was loving but largely sexless — most likely because he was predominately, if not solely, sexually attracted to men — and that Bonaparte had a slew of affairs, including a long-running one with 11-term French Prime Minister Aristide Briant. Her interests were so well-known that when Bonaparte persuaded Romanian sculptor Constantin Brâncusi to make a bust of her in 1909, it morphed into Princess X, a big bronze phallus. 

Although we often think of the 19th and early 20th centuries as sexually repressed eras, Bonaparte’s sexual interests weren’t entirely unusual. Alison Downham Moore, a historian of European sexuality at Western Sydney University who is writing a chapter on Bonaparte for an upcoming book on women who changed the world, explains that there was plenty of contemporary scholarly and medical dialogue about female sexual pleasure.

Prince George I of Greece and Denmark and wife Princess Marie Bonaparte.

But a good amount of sexual dialogue of the era was dominated by long-standing beliefs that female sexuality was all about the vagina. Medicalized fears of masturbation and overt female sexuality had slowly gained purchase since at least the 18th century. In 1905, Sigmund Freud distilled these threads of thought into a biologically ignorant yet popular theory that clitoral stimulation and masturbation were immature, and that any woman interested in anything but vaginal penetration needed psychological help. “This was a really strange idea,” says Moore, but a widespread one “that probably just resulted in many women not ever experiencing any kind of orgasm.”  

Bonaparte was steeped in this toxic sexual ideology. She started a correspondence with Freud in 1924, and by 1925 had become one of his favorite psychoanalytic patients, undergoing at least two hours of analysis every day. She noted that she could have orgasms with clitoral stimulation, but not solely through vaginal stimulation, and viewed herself as clinically frigid because of that. 

Bonaparte openly broke with Freud in the 1920s, seeking physical, not psychological, causes of her so-called frigidity and refusing to write the clitoris off as irrelevant or immature. Her search led her to measure the contours of 243 women’s genitals, gather data on their orgasmic experiences and publish her 1924 paper arguing that the distance between the clitoris and the vaginal opening might account for the trouble some women experienced with climaxing via penetration alone. Her theory was that women with clitorises 2.5 centimeters or fewer from their vaginal openings might get more clitoral stimulation via penetration than those with clitorises farther away. Lloyd and Wallen later confirmed Bonaparte’s finding, based on analyses of both her dataset and another one, in 2010.

Lloyd and Wallen call Bonaparte’s research groundbreaking, especially given the trickiness, even to this day, of taking genital measurements and the prevailing anti-clitoris attitudes of Bonaparte’s time. Hers was an important counterpoint to the widespread advance of those attitudes, says Moore.

Unfortunately, Bonaparte took her research too far. She and Austrian gynecologist Josef Halban developed a surgery known as the Halban-Narjani procedure, which severed the suspensory ligaments around the external clitoris and pulled it closer to the vaginal opening. Bonaparte subjected herself to the surgery, previously only performed on cadavers, in 1927, but found herself still frigid — she likely suffered scarring around her clitoris and a subsequent lack of sensitivity. Meanwhile, mainstream gynecologists tore her to shreds by identifying cases of women with clitorises more than 2.5 centimeters from their vaginal openings who could orgasm during intercourse. Bonaparte lacked the statistical knowledge to understand that these findings did not invalidate her theory, and so resigned herself to the belief that her work and conclusions had been wrong.

Freud’s shadow eventually blotted out her work. Today, Bonaparte is primarily known for her work establishing Freudian psychoanalysis in France, propping up the Psychoanalytic Publishing House with her fortune and helping Freud and a couple hundred other Jews escape the Nazis in the late ’30s. She became a psychoanalyst, and supposedly subjected François Mitterrand to an impromptu session during Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation, in 1953, while they were both bored. The few modern sex researchers and activists who know about her, Moore says, “have tended to underestimate her as merely a lackey of Freud.”

It’s hard not to wonder where Bonaparte’s research could have led if she hadn’t been ground down by personal misfortunes and prevailing Freudian theories. But in remembering Bonaparte and unearthing her work to build upon it, as Lloyd and Wallen have done, we can perhaps move toward the nuanced, open understanding she sought.

Complete Article HERE!

On How To Create Your Sexual Potential

7 Lessons From A Sex Therapist

By Nan Wise, Ph.D, MSW, M.A., LCSW, CST

According to Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D., the vast majority of problems that bring people into sex therapy stem from what she calls the “North American sex script” that centers on having heterosexual intercourse with orgasms in all the right places, meaning, women should be experiencing orgasms reliably through sexual intercourse, which is actually not the case.

Even with additional clitoral stimulation, less than half of women (43%) report experiencing orgasm through intercourse 75% of the time. In other words, our cultural view of sexuality is narrow, limiting, and performance-oriented, favoring what does not appear to come naturally.

Inspired by Kleinplatz, I have gleaned seven lessons from my own research and work with clients. These lessons, or take-aways, offer an invitation to understand and explore yourself and your lover in a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure:

1. Do not judge your erotic self or the erotic experience.

Practice radical self-acceptance. Learn to love your body, exactly as it is. This is one of the biggest lessons, mentioned by nearly all of my participants. They also become curious about their own sexuality and went about exploring what turned them on. Learn to embrace your unique erotic fingerprint—whatever it is.

Let yourself be exactly as you are in the moment. And let the moment be exactly as it is. Sex is our willingness to be sexual beings, however that shows up. Remember first and foremost that good sex is about being present.

2. Tune in.

Shift your focus inward to listen closely to what you want and what your body yearns for. What are your fantasies? How do you like to be touched? Why not explore all areas of your body that can give you pleasure? Become keenly aware of what pleases you across the senses beyond touch—don’t forget about sounds and tastes. Are you interested in perhaps being more active when you tend to be receptive? More receptive when you’re usually more active? Making subtle shifts in your habitual roles may reveal new ways that you can be turned on.

Paying attention to sensations is key for pleasurable sex. If your mind wanders and starts to get into “spectatoring” mode—becoming goal-directed or self-conscious—simply notice that without judgment, letting those thoughts be exactly as they are while you bring your attention back to the senses. 

3. Be patient—about getting turned on.

When you want to have intercourse, for example, don’t begin until you and/or your partner are sufficiently aroused. Allow the sex to unfold without rushing into it. Although this advice may seem simplistic, it’s hugely important to experiencing the pleasure of sex. Slow down and savor the sensations. Let them build. Enjoy the journey without concern about the destination.

4. Stay connected to your partner.

You have a number of tools to use with your partner—to manage defenses, be an attentive and active listener, and be open to differences in erotic fingerprints or desire. Respect these differences and you will feel more connected. Often the best way to connect is actually going beyond words.

Look into your partner’s eyes and breathe with your partner while sitting silently. See the person in front of you, the being you fell in love with. Spoon your partner and hold them and synchronize your breath to synchronize your nervous systems. This actually works. We are like tuning forks and go into “cardiac” entrainment with lovers (and even our pets) when we settle into the connection. Good sex is connected sex.

5. Take risks.

We often feel hesitant to speak up with partners about parts of ourselves that we think they will judge or worry that if we tell them how we truly feel, we will hurt them. We tend to play it safe when in doubt. But another way to look at this is that there is a risk to not taking risks. If we don’t explore some of the scarier places with our partners, if we don’t explore the corners of our erotic selves, we tend to shut down and stagnate. And stagnation, itself, is dangerous to relationships.

Sexual potential unfolds when we bring all of ourselves into the mix. We are always, always shifting and changing and growing. Taking the risk to reveal how these changes affect us, our thoughts, our fears, our feelings, even our fantasies tends to revitalize the partnership.

6. Prioritize pleasure.

Allow sex to play a larger role in your life. Your work with your seven core emotions has paved the way for more keen awareness and insight into how and why pleasure is so important to your life, so allow sex to play a larger role. Make time for sex, expand your notion of what sex is, nurture it, and explore it. It’s a journey without an end.

7. Tolerate emotions and embrace the transformative nature of sex.

Because of the blend of emotional and physical drivers of sex, any type of sexual experience or activity has the capacity to stir up all kinds of emotions. One of the most important lessons for good sex and also good relationships, in general, is to learn how to more fully tolerate our feelings, other people’s feelings, and our feelings about other people’s feelings. And sometimes the most challenging feelings to tolerate, believe it or not, are intense feelings of pleasure—which for some can feel scarily out of control.

When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.

Complete Article HERE!

I Spent Five Years Talking to Women Across the U.S. About Pleasure and Desire.

Here’s What I Learned About Inequality in the Bedroom

By Katherine Rowland

In the fall of 2014, I stood in a crowded auditorium as a parade of women described to regulators at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration how their libidos had been whittled down to a fraction of their former power. For some it was a gradual decline. For others it was instantaneous, “like a switch that went off.” One woman lamented, “I don’t even think about sex.” Others spoke of how intimacy had become more a duty than a source of delight. “I am able to grit through it,” one woman said. Another: “I might not even want to have sex—but if he wants sex and I give it to him then, yes, I was a good wife today.”

The women were there to weigh in on whether female sexual dysfunction represents an unmet medical need. Their testimony, taken collectively, described the personal fallout of low desire which, along with related sexual concerns like difficulty reaching orgasm, experts estimate affect a quarter to a half of American women. Such complaints are commonly chalked up to female biology. However, as a journalist who spent five years talking with 120 women across the United States about their pleasure and desire, I rarely heard anyone say the main culprit was hormones, neurochemical balance or the biased stamp of evolution. Instead, the women I interviewed described how the greater culture had derailed their desire. Heterosexual women in particular shared that their partners routinely dismissed their pleasure or that they had themselves absorbed the idea that it was a lesser priority. What emerged was that a lack of sexual entitlement—much like the pay gap, the glass ceiling and the countless other ways women are systematically held back—diminished what they received and what they felt they could rightly claim in their lives.

These dynamics pervade women’s intimate relationships, contributing to well-documented struggles like orgasm disparities, chore-like sex, unenthusiastic consent and ubiquitous pretending. Moreover, they inform how women physically feel. The sole purpose of the clitoris, so far as science can surmise, is to confer pleasure on its owner. And yet, possession of this uniquely dedicated organ is no guarantor of delight, or even sensation. Numerous women told me they felt numb and disconnected—a lack of sensation that is especially poignant in an era when the control of their bodies so often comes into question. As one woman put it, “My genitals feel dead.”

Among the women I interviewed, direct experience or close knowledge of sexual trauma was a persistent undercurrent, and some women attributed their dimmed sensation to prior episodes of harm or to feeling objectified, inappropriately sexualized and socially unsafe. Numerous women also relayed that they were too caught up in their heads to register what was happening in their bodies. Distracted in the extreme, they were surveilling their performance, critiquing their physique, hastening an encounter to an abrupt conclusion or fixedly tending to their partners’ pleasure at the expense of their own. In those encounters, an intimate touch was no more arousing than a tap on the elbow.

Contemporary researchers use the term sexual concordance to describe the extent to which mind and body, or subjective report and genitals, are in sync. Studies using graphic sexual images have shown that men react bodily and report that they are most aroused by stimuli that conforms to their sexual orientation. Queer women also display a specific response, reacting most positively to images of other women. But heterosexual women are all over the place. Physiologically, they react to couples, men, women, even scenes of copulating bonobo apes. But when asked whether they find these images arousing, they state that they’re unmoved.

Meredith Chivers of Queen’s University in Ontario, a leading expert in this field, told me, “We continually underestimate women’s sexuality.” Yet she cautioned against concluding that women’s genital reactions are a truer marker of sexual interest than their verbal accounts. A pressing question for her is why heterosexual women display seemingly indiscriminate patterns of arousal and yet do not consciously detect that they’re being turned on. One possible explanation, she says, is that reward patterns our behavior: we desire certain things because we associate them with pleasure. For lesbian women, sexual intercourse is more consistently associated with orgasm and gratification, and so images of other women will activate a clear positive response. But for many heterosexual women, the status quo has left them underwhelmed, and there is no reinforcement of pleasure one way or another. Penetrative sex results in orgasm for only a minority of women, and for some, who equate it with, say, pain, guilt or obligation, it may spark outright aversion.

Chivers is not the first to note the tension between women’s capacity for sensuality and their actual enjoyment. A half-century ago, pioneering researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson documented women’s sexual athleticism, stating that the range and depth of their pleasure “infinitely surpasses that of man.” However, they also found that women internalized “prevailing psychosocial influences,” like the sexual double standard or the equation of desire with impurity, that might interfere with their sexual response. Anthropologists have similarly observed that in cultures that expect women to enjoy sex as much as men do, women have regular orgasms, whereas cultures that question the propriety of female pleasure are home to greater sexual difficulties. If the climate doesn’t cloak female pleasure in shame or mystery, or cast it as second rate, it may lie within easier reach.

Fortunately, these findings suggest that erotic potential is not etched in stone and women can become proficient in experiencing progressive states of pleasure. Among the women I spoke to, great sex was not a matter of mastering a particular technique or communicative style. In fact, it was not about what women did so much as how they did it, and for many that required unlearning what they thought sex and love were supposed to look like. Desire lay on the other side of giving up their freighted assumptions.

For one married lawyer, who for decades assumed she was “frigid,” kindling eroticism was a process of claiming the freedom to do as she pleased in her intimate life, which eventually meant having consensual relationships with men other than her husband. “It didn’t happen overnight. It was a bit of a roller coaster,” she said of prising open her monogamous partnership. “It takes time to feel you have the space to do whatever you want, to create whatever relationship structure you want, to have whatever kind of sex you want. And then, oh my God, it’s like the bottom drops out.” For another woman in her late 20s, experiencing desire meant drawing new boundaries. Raised to believe that she should make herself available and pleasing, she came to equate intimacy with allowing her body to be relentlessly accessed. After working with a sex coach, she gradually felt empowered to say, “I don’t want to be touched anywhere,” and to stop viewing sex as a grudging performance for her partner’s benefit. Through learning to say no, she was able to eventually start saying yes.

For the women I interviewed, low desire rarely stemmed from a medical malady or a psychological condition. Rather, it was often a healthy response to quietly unwanted or lusterless sex. My conversations revealed that persistent sexual dissatisfaction is a sign that many women do not feel free to enjoy their sexuality, or know how to do so, and so engage in activities that are not necessarily inclusive of their pleasure. If women struggle in overwhelming numbers to inhabit their own bodies, it is a measure of feeling, or being made to feel, undeserving or less than. As dire as this sounds, it is also cause for hope. It’s far harder to rewire biology than it is to alter belief. While their paths to sexual healing varied, the women I spoke to made plain that satisfaction was rooted in their social power, in being entitled to explore and express their sexuality and in feeling equal to their partners. Pleasure and its value can be learned, and once learned, are not readily relinquished.

Complete Article HERE!

Can You Orgasm Without A Partner?

Here’s How To Have A Pleasure Party For One

By Griffin Wynne

Though sex can be a multiplayer game, there’s a lot to be said for getting it on with your bad self. Whether you charge up your favorite toy or prefer to get your own hands dirty, knowing how to orgasm without a partner can be a total game-changer.

“Each body is equipped for pleasure all on its own,” Brianne McGuire, host of the Sex Communication podcast, tells Elite Daily. “For those struggling to reach orgasm, the absence of pressure and observation [from partnered sex] often allows for great success.”

As McGuire shares, masturbating, or bringing yourself to orgasm, can allow you to learn about your own erogenous zones and “unique pleasure points” at a pace that’s comfortable and enjoyable for you. When you’re not worrying about being in tune with a partner or trying to arouse someone else, you can turn all your attention to yourself, and really learn about your body.

“[Orgasming without a partner] is a great way to reduce stress, connect with your body, and feel pleasure that’s in your control,” Kayna Cassard, sex therapist and founder of Intuitive Sensuality, tells Elite Daily. “When you know what makes you feel good and orgasm, you can better explore and reach orgasm with your partner.”

While some people may reach orgasm by stimulating their genitals, Lola Jean, sex educator and mental health professional, shares that because everybody is different, orgasms look and feel different for everyone. “There are prostate orgasms, penile orgasms, breath orgasms, skin orgasms, clitoral orgasms, [and] cervical orgasms which can be induced manual or via the vagus nerve,” Jean says.

For Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, sex and relationships therapist, experimenting with different sensations on different parts of your body is a great way to understand yourself more. “I highly recommend that everyone experiments with different erogenous zones on their body (nipples, genitals, anus, etc. ) using their hands and adult toys,” Dr. Jones tells Elite Daily. “This is a fantastic way to explore and understand your body, which is really important so that you can communicate your likes and dislikes with your partner later on and increase both partners’ satisfaction in the bedroom.”

Jean adds that while it’s possible to orgasm from directly stimulating these locations, it’s also possible to reach the big O from indirect touching. “You can achieve a G-spot orgasm via accessing it through the anal canal. You can have a blended orgasm — prostate and penile, or g-spot and external clitoris. There are so many ways to experience pleasure that we tend to limit ourselves by receding the definition down to one or two things,” Jean says.

Additionally, Cassard shares that some orgasms don’t need physical stimulation at all. “For all kinds of people, there can be the ability to have energetic orgasms or orgasms that typically come through breathwork, meditation, and the right mindset without even touching the genitals,” Cassard says. In addition to breathing and meditating, Jean suggests listening to guided masturbation tracks and imagining different sexual fantasies in our brains or visual stimulation.

All of the experts suggest exploring your own body and seeing what feels right for you. “Getting to know your body through touch is the easiest path to solo orgasm,” McGuire says. “If visuals help get your blood flowing, then pull out some porn or whatever turns you on and begin there. Toys are extremely helpful, and there are many options — try external and internal toys, even a combination of the two, and find what works best for you.”

In addition to finding what toys work for you and incorporating porn or other erotic media, Cassard suggests using different props or stimuli, like a showerhead or a couch cushion. “[You can orgasm by yourself] in a lot of the same ways that you orgasm with a partner,” Cassard says. “Lying down with your back on the bed or couch stimulating the genitals, facing downward ‘humping’ a pillow or rolled-up towel, in the shower with a water-safe toy or with the showerhead directly on the clitoris — [there are ] so many ways!”

Of course, no matter what road to take to the big O, it’s important to listen to your own body. “The most important thing being to listen to your body, be patient, and don’t emulate what you think you’re ‘supposed’ to do,” Jean says. Though orgasming may look a certain way in movies or on TV, Jean shares the importance of learning your own orgasm. Cassard also urges you to keep an open mind as you learn about your body. “Notice the places in your body that feel neutral or pleasant to help you stay out of your head and in the pleasure,” Cassard says. “Explore! Have fun with it!”

While you may enjoy the connection and intimacy from partnered sex (which, BTW, is totally cool), Jean shares that it can still be important to take some time to get it on with yourself, even when you’re seeing someone. “It is often easier and potentially faster to orgasm by one’s self,” Jean says. “You can adjust based on your own feeling without having to communicate that to someone else.” Though you may love nothing more than getting it on with your partner, it’s always OK to want some one-on-one time as well.

From using a toy to touching yourself with yourself, knowing how to make yourself orgasm can be super empowering. Though it may take two to tango, it only takes one to reach the big O.

Complete Article HERE!

Real Orgasms And Transcendent Pleasure:

How Women Are Reigniting Desire

By Malaka Gharib

How can more women allow themselves to experience sexual pleasure?

That’s one of the central questions in The Pleasure Gap: American Women and the Unfinished Sexual Revolution, a book published this month by public health researcher and journalist Katherine Rowland.

Rowland explores why American women aren’t happy with their sex lives — and what they can do about it. A landmark study from 1999 found that over 40% of women surveyed experienced sexual dysfunction — the inability to feel satisfied by sex. A contributing factor, noted the researchers, was the lasting psychological effects of sexual trauma.

The Pleasure Gap
American Women & the Unfinished Sexual Revolution
by Katherine Rowland

The Pleasure Gap highlights how desire and the mind are linked for women. “Pleasure is inextricable from our social status, compressed and constrained by financial factors, by safety factors, by objectification,” she says. We need to remove these barriers, she says, to experience sex with the “full freedom, expression, range and truth that we’re endowed with.”

Rowland argues that it is possible for women to take charge and reignite their libidos. She talked to NPR about why fake orgasms are a cause for alarm, how much sex couples should have per week and “sexological bodywork.”

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

You take issue with some of the research that tries to quantify sexual frequency and the idea that once a week may be the “optimal” amount. So how much sex should we be having?

Our national obsession with sexual frequency and the terrifying specter of dead bedrooms overrides the fundamental importance of sexual quality. There is no volume of sex that’s more or less good.

For whatever reason, researchers have embraced this idea that we should be having sex once a week — that it’s enough to sustain relationships and that it keeps depression, heart disease and obesity at bay.

But none of that research looks at how participants actually feel about that sex — other than feeling good that they can check the box for having done it.

You interviewed more than 120 women for this book. Many in heterosexual, long-term relationships told you that sex was an act of drudgery and that they often did whatever it took to get the job done. This felt sad to me.

I found myself feeling beaten down by the near ubiquity of stories of faking it in that context.

We tend to treat faking it as such a jokey matter. When the media reports on studies that try and capture the percentage of women who fake orgasm during sex, it tends to be from a male perspective saying “ouch” — focusing more on the bruising of men’s feelings that occurs when women are lying to them as opposed to concerns surrounding the fact that women aren’t feeling good.

That women are feigning their pleasure in order to hasten that experience along — I think we need to treat that with real alarm. We need to ask: What’s going on in that women are engaging in spectacle as opposed to actually allowing themselves to feel sensation?

Your book explores how some women have a low desire for sex. How does this happen?

Among the women who I spoke to, the persistent low desire was heavily associated with the idea that sex should revolve around penetration as the main course, with maybe a polite prelude of a foreplay, rather than thinking about sex as a broader universe of intimacy.

It’s the combination of a larger culture that privileges male sexuality over women’s, a culture that doesn’t teach women that pleasure belongs to them. A lack of anatomical self-knowledge. And feelings of sort of persistent danger and women being often censored and censured for expressing their desire.

You push back against the idea that the female orgasm is mysterious and elusive, which is how the media has sometimes described it. What would be a more accurate way to understand the female orgasm?

It’s more like riding a bicycle. You learn how to do it. And what we see is that as women become more versed with what their body can do, orgasm becomes more readily achievable.

The female orgasm tends to get wrapped up in these fuzzy terms like “elusive” and “hazy” and “mysterious” because women aren’t encouraged to explore what actually feels good. But if they were encouraged to self-pleasure and explore in real, sincere ways by themselves and with their partners, I think they would find that there is a world of pleasurable sensation available to them.

In your book, you say that the goal is for women to have a “profound sexual experience.” What do you mean by that?

It can mean a number of things, and I don’t think it necessarily has to be a sexual encounter in terms of our often narrow understanding of sex. The women who I spoke to describe it to me as feelings of transcendence, of approaching sex not just as a way for getting off or feeling good, but as a portal into a deeper state of self-knowledge.

They often use the word “spiritual” — the alignment of self, sensation and possibility. Pleasure so deep it felt like a homecoming, like they had been restored to themselves, to the depths of their potential.

How can women regain control over their sex lives?

The first thing to do would be to stop absorbing [unscientific] outside knowledge. There is such a rash of faulty information out there as a result of our lack of sound science and solid education. We’ve seen this proliferation of experts pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Online, you’ll find doctors who promise that by injecting more blood into the vagina, it will give it a face-lift that will bolster orgasmic potential. Or self-proclaimed “sexperts” who put on female ejaculation retreats. Those kinds of offerings often exist side by side with credentialed and validated interventions.

The second thing is to get to know your body. I think the most powerful intervention that I documented in my book was the realm of sexological bodywork.

What is that?

It’s a somatic approach to sexual healing that can — but does not necessarily — include genital touch. There’s a profound opportunity there for ethical violations, especially because it’s not a regulated practice. But for some of the women who I spoke to, they’ve said that this was the missing link in understanding their bodies.

Sexological bodywork practitioners facilitate your self-knowledge of your body, pleasure, comfort, boundaries, feelings of confidence and being able to articulate “no.” For example, “No, I don’t want you to touch me here” and “I don’t want you to look at me here.” This helps women ask why they feel this way — and get to a point where they can say “yes.”

For women in a relationship with a man, how can male partners do more to help?

Men can — and should — play a central role in helping women fully engage with their desires and sensations.

They can do this by being compassionate and nonjudgmental listeners. By creating an erotic atmosphere in which men and women’s needs command equal importance, and by encouraging interactions that depart from the wearied script of male arousal and release. Just as society tends to overly complicate female sexuality, we oversimplify men’s, and they also benefit from shifting dynamics around.

Any ideas of how to do that?

I spoke with a number of couples, and one shared a story that made a deep impression.

They’re both middle-aged and both are experiential sexuality educators, so in many respects they’re versed in subjects like male privilege and the ways female satisfaction gets short shrift. But all the same, these issues were showing up in their intimate life.

At the woman’s request, they decided to make sex just about her — so that it flowed from her interest and followed the course of her arousal. She told him, she didn’t care how he took care of himself, but she didn’t want to be a part of it.

They came to call these sessions “The Experiment.” To their mutual surprise, it lasted for a whole year. As they recounted this experience, the woman thanked her partner for his generosity, and he immediately and firmly responded, “No, it was my pleasure.” They both felt they had benefited from the woman’s sexual growth and the shared opportunity to expand their erotic vocabulary.

7 questions you always wanted to ask a sex coach

By Danielle Fox

When we polled our readers earlier this month on what they’ve always wanted to ask a sex coach, they flooded our DM’s with questions, concerns, and complaints about their partners’…techniques.

One thing to note: whatever is going on in the bedroom isn’t a “just you” issue, per se. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men experience some type of sexual dysfunction during their lifetimes, including low libido and low confidence. And so many readers submitted the exact same questions and the same deepest darkest secrets. You’re normal. Sex can be weird! Let’s talk about it.

Below, Gigi Engle, SKYN sex and intimacy expert and certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes, answered questions submitted by HelloGiggles readers. Don’t see your concern below? Check out the rest of our State of Female Pleasure package for more sexpert advice.

How do I tell my partner that I’ve been faking my orgasms without hurting their feelings?

Your partner may have hurt feelings but the important thing is to assure them that you like everything they’re doing and you were faking orgasms because things felt good but you just felt you weren’t going to get “there.” Offer to show them exactly what feels good for you with gentle guidance.

How do I stop faking orgasms without offending my boyfriend?

Having an open conversation with your partner about this can be challenging. Sex is an emotionally charged thing and many of us lack the vocabulary to communicate our needs. Let your partner know that you want to try some new sex things together. You want to show him new ways to touch you and to have more orgasms. Tell them you love your sex life so he feels good about himself and then offer some guidance. When it comes to faking, if you feel like you’re not going to get there, offer some gentle guidance. Maybe you could use some more oral sex, or a toy during sex. Make those suggestions to him.

How can I be more comfortable in my body during sex?

Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. When you get in touch with your body and internal energy, you start to feel so much more comfortable in your power. Having control over your own orgasm is empowering and will help you feel good when guiding someone in how to touch you. Body confidence is not something that happens overnight. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and tell your body how much you love it; how it takes care of you, gets you where you need to go, and is strong for you. It does not matter what you look like. You’re beautiful and sexy and powerful.

What can I do to get my partner to explore other fun sexual options? Ex: BDSM.

Make a sex menu. You write down three things you want to try and then have [them] write down three things [they’d] want to try. Then, swap lists and see what you both are interested in. This gives you a pressure-free way to learn about your partners desires and to share your own. Introduce [them] to new things slowly—maybe start out with a new lube or small sex toy. For BDSM specifically, you don’t need to go buy a bunch of expensive gear. Use a tee shirt as a blindfold and a necktie as handcuffs. It’s really not as complicated and scary as some people tend to think!

I can’t orgasm at all! Is there something wrong with me?

There is definitely nothing wrong with you. This is super common! Orgasms are 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical. So, you need to be in a positive headspace. If you believe you cannot come, your brain tells your body you can’t come, and then … you don’t come! The first thing to do is to step outside of this negative feedback loop. Take orgasm off the table for a while and focus on pleasure. Buy some sex toys (SKYN Vibes is my go-to). Take time to masturbate and see what you like. Don’t worry so much about orgasming and eventually orgasms will come.

How to move past (unknown) mental roadblocks that make it hard to orgasm with a partner?

Being present and in the moment can be very challenging when life comes at you. It’s key to remember that sex is important and life is always going to be busy. Breathe into your body and try to be more intentional. Watch some porn to keep you focused or listen to an erotic story while you’re having sexy time. Sometimes we need to ignite all of our senses to stay in the moment. Treat sex like a meditation: It’s a time to focus and breathe and enjoy.

How do you deal with extraordinary clitoral sensitivity?

Try different touch than straight up clitoral rubbing. Touch the labia, the mons, and vaginal opening. Try layering the labia over the clitoris when you use a sex toy on a low vibration setting. Sometimes having a barrier can provide comfort. You can also circle the clitoris rather than putting vibration or a tongue directly on it.
You might also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy in tandem with working with and OBGYN. There may be an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. Seeking the help of a well-rounded team of professionals who are there to work for you is a grounded way to get the orgasms and sex you deserve.

Complete Article HERE!