Tag: monogamy

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I Help Couples Improve Their Sex Life.

— Here Are The 4 Things I Wish More Men Knew.

“Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too.”

By

Imagine a new couple in their early 20s. Their relationship is fraying at the edges. She complains that if she doesn’t have sex with him, he mopes for days. If she does have sex with him, he’s happy for a few days before he begins complaining again.

He reports feeling lonely, that she’s not prioritising their relationship, and that he’s tried everything to spark her desire, but nothing works. He has two affairs in a year. She’s devastated and betrayed.

If my wife and I had been wise (and wealthy) enough to go to couples therapy at the lowest point in our marriage, this is how a therapist might have described us.

Shortly after my second affair, shocked and ashamed by my behavior, I began to read books about relationships, got into a men’s support group, started going to therapy, and expanded my friend circle so that my sexual relationship didn’t have to meet all my needs for human connection. Today, I provide therapy for couples in the area of relationships, sex and consent. In particular, I help men improve their relationships.

Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too. Here are four things I wish more men knew about consent.

Pressure kills desire

I used to express feelings of rejection, resentment and hopelessness because my wife and I “had not had sex in so long.” My wife would then go to the calendar and identify the numerous times we’d had sex recently. I could see she was right, but I also couldn’t change my feelings, because I was dependent on her to change my mood. This inability to soothe my emotions created sexual pressure for her.

This is a dynamic I see in my office regularly. When you can’t regulate your emotional responses when a partner declines your offers for sex, the emotional consequences of turning you down creates pressure for your partner. This negative pattern then taints any invitation, offer or initiation of sex inside a relationship. When your partner feels pressured, there’s no room for them to have their own desire, because your desire is taking up all the attention.

The absence of no is not the same as the presence of yes

One of the most common questions I get about this is whether ensuring you receive explicit consent will interrupt the flow of a sexual experience. But that should be the least of our worries. Do you know what interrupts the flow? Feelings of hurt and violation.

While learning consent communication, it may be awkward. But as you get more proficient in consent skills, it will interrupt the flow less, it will get sexier, and you will eventually find that it is a part of the flow with this partner. There will be a smaller learning curve with the next partner, as there is with everything in a new relationship.

The author with a copy of his book.
The author with a copy of his book.

Don’t get defensive

Men, even if you think you’re a “good guy” who would “never do anything like that,” you need to understand that men’s violence against women is pervasive. There’s a reason that women are afraid of men. They have more than likely been a victim of a man’s violence or threats, or are close to a woman who has been a victim of a man’s violence.

If your partner is trying to navigate around past trauma, you can collaborate by asking a new partner, “Is there anything you need me to do, or not to do, to help you feel safe throughout this process?”

If you do trigger their trauma, even inadvertently, don’t get defensive.

I once decided to go for a walk in a recent ex-partner’s neighbourhood. Coincidentally, my recent ex sent me a text asking me where I was and I replied that I was down the street. Women readers have probably gasped.

When this triggered fears exacerbated by her experience with a past stalker, I acknowledged that I had made a mistake, apologised, left, and didn’t repeat the error. She later thanked me for changing my behaviour and helping her feel safer. If I had gotten defensive, I’d have only worsened the situation.

Consent is for you

Men aren’t used to the idea that consent is for us. This is an essential lesson for us to learn.

Eighteen years into our marriage, my wife and I agreed, after almost two years of talking and preparing, to open our marriage to non-monogamy. As I became more confident dating as a polyamorous man, I learned I also needed to use consent to protect myself and my heart.

I had a friend who expressed interest in me, but in her polyamorous relationships, there were some broken agreements and conflicts between partners. Most of those issues weren’t her fault, but they did affect her. This didn’t create a feeling of safety for me, so I said “no thank you” to her offers. But after engaging in many consent conversations, I eventually felt comfortable enough to negotiate a very memorable sexual relationship. I had protected myself with “no,” until “yes” felt right. If it stopped feeling right in the future, I knew I could return to “no.”

Consent isn’t about trying to get consent from our partner. Consent is for people of all genders and all levels of desire. Consent makes us feel better about ourselves and our relationships. I hope to teach more men to prevent harm and increase their capacity to maintain healthy relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Relationship in Non-Monogamy?

— And can it actually work?

By Gigi Engle

One of the most interesting things about consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is its fluidity. These relationship structures are co-created by partners in order to establish a situation that works for them and their needs, which means that each CNM partnership functions in its own unique ways.

While CNM’s key tenants tend to emphasize openness, communication, and honesty, what this looks like for any given consensually non-monogamous partnership will vary. And for some couples in open relationships, that means not wanting to know anything about what their partners do (sexually/romantically) with other people. Like, at all.

Enter: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Not to be confused with the hugely controversial US military policy that discriminated against the LGBTQ community until its 2011 repeal, a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) policy in consensual non-monogamy refers to the way partners communicate—or, rather, don’t communicate—about sexual or romantic experiences outside of their relationship.

DADT “is different from other non-monogamous agreements in that it prioritizes a lack of transparency between partners, which goes against the openness and honesty that is typically encouraged in non-monogamy,” says polyamory educator and sex positive advocate Leanne Yau, founder of Poly Philia. This means that partners agree to have sex with and/or date people outside of their relationship, but they don’t disclose those experiences to each other.

The question is: Can these arrangements work for people? And if so, how?

Let’s take a deep dive into what a DADT relationship really is, how it works, and any potential issues that can come up as a result of having an agreement like this—because, spoiler alert, such issues are, uh, not not a possibility.

What is DADT and how does it work?

As we’ve established, DADT means you’re allowed to have sex with people outside of your relationship, but you don’t talk about it with your primary partner. “[It is] a principle used by CNM people so that they can experience freedom from the typical monogamous expectation of sexual exclusivity, but without needing to make clear agreements or practices of transparency,” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, CSE, a qualitative researcher who focuses on non-monogamy.

Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory, says it’s important to understand that this is *not* the same as cheating. While DADT does mean not telling your partners about the sex you have with other people, everyone is consenting to the arrangement. “Before you and your partner ever sleep with someone else, you have a sit-down conversation where you make it clear that it is acceptable to sleep with other people under certain circumstances,” Zane says. “And when you do sleep with other people, you do not tell your partner.”

For a DADT arrangement to work, all people involved need to be on board. This means that not only do the primary partners agree to it, but their outside partners also need to be aware of and consent to the DADT agreement. Informed consent is the only way to have ethical non-monogamous dynamics.

Can Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policies really function in a healthy way?

Basically, these agreements can work for some people…if they’re willing to communicate. This may seem paradoxical given that the whole idea of DADT is that you don’t share details with your partner. But in order for a DADT policy to actually work, clear negotiation is crucial. Hamilton says that without communication, the seemingly simple rule of “just don’t tell me anything” can get confusing pretty quickly.

The level at which non-disclosure functions will depend on your relationship boundaries. “A person might ask their partner that they don’t even tell them the basics, such as when they’re going on a date with another person—after all, ignorance can be bliss,” says Yau. “At the extreme end of DADT, a person might just want to pretend that they and their partner are monoamorous, and that there are no other people involved.”

Zane says that these arrangements tend to work best when sex outside the relationship is done sparingly, if one or both partners travels frequently, or if partners are long-distance. “Often, DADTs have a rule that you can only have sex when out of the state,” he explains. “This works well when one partner travels a lot for work. Additionally, the other partner won’t ever ‘run into’ the person their spouse slept with out of state, which can cause drama.”

What are the downsides of DADT arrangements?

Hate to break it to you, but these policies can certainly become problematic. This is especially true if the agreement requires lying about where you were or who you were with in order to avoid disclosing details of outside relationships.

“I think if you find yourself in a situation where you have to lie to your partner about what (and who) you did consistently, this will lead to problems,” Zane says. “Additionally, a partner can start to second guess their spouse’s whereabouts, which can make you become obsessive, resentful, and anxious.”

Basically, it comes down to how your agreement functions in your particular partnership. Surprise: DADT tends to cause issues if you’re using it to avoid the work of dealing with your feelings. “Non-monogamy requires significant emotional work, and avoiding that doesn’t solve the issue,” Yau says.

Hamilton agrees, saying that the lack of communication that is usually present with a DADT can leave couples feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, always unclear of the rules or if they might be breaking them. This can lead to some pretty precarious situations that can be very hard to overcome.

It’s all about intentions, right? If you have a DADT because you simply aren’t interested in knowing about your partner’s other sexual and/or romantic relationships, that’s one thing, but if you have a DADT to avoid difficult feelings, that could be a potential pitfall.

“There is a distinction between partners who don’t want to have that much information about each other’s partners because they simply aren’t interested to know, and partners who are doing it because they want to pretend that it isn’t happening and want to bury their heads in the sand,” Yau says.

If you and your partner want a DADT agreement, here are 3 ways to make it work

Have a crystal clear agreement

Relationship therapist Rea Pearson, a sex-positive BACP-accredited counselor and clinical sexologist, says that couples should literally sit down and write their agreement out. This gives everyone a chance to think through the details and set boundaries. “The agreement would include all the major rules and boundaries that are important to them, but can be reviewed and amended as time goes on. It might include areas such as whether sex is protected or not, and how often partners test for STIs,” she says. It may also include how often partners can see other people, how much time is allotted for other partners, and certain spaces that are off-limits, such as the shared home.

Consider *why* you want this

It’s important to spend some time honestly thinking about your intentions for wanting an agreement like this. Be willing to self-reflect. Hamilton says that she doesn’t encourage clients to enter into DADT agreements because it impacts their ability to grow together.

“If what you want is to be able to pretend that your partner isn’t who they are, I’d encourage you to consider what that will feel like in a year or five,” she says. “If you’re in a short-term situation, then consider if this is how you want to practice relating, because if you get used to making clear, explicit agreements with partners it becomes easier and easier,” she says. “If you practice DADT, you don’t give yourself that opportunity.” Essentially, a DADT can work in a short-term framework, but it rarely has legs to stand the test of time.

Be willing to renegotiate

Lastly, it’s important to understand that just because you have a DADT policy in your relationship doesn’t mean it will always work for you (and, in fact, they rarely do). CNM dynamics deserve to be interrogated. Couples should come back to the table regularly to revisit agreements that are in place and determine if they’re still working for everyone involved. Pearson suggests having a weekly check in. “By checking in regularly, [partners] are far more likely to recognize a problem early on and be able to tackle it before it escalates,” she says.

Being open and willing to change or alter dynamics allows consensually non-monogamous relationships to continue to exist in harmony. While a DADT agreement can work, endeavoring to move to a place of more openness and honesty is likely the best course of action if you want your relationship to, well, stay a relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is ‘veto power’ in non-monogamous relationships

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

By Gigi Engle

If you opened up your relationship, would you want the ability to tell your partner’s other partners to piss off if you weren’t down with them? Intrigued? Let’s talk about “veto power.”

Veto power within consensually non-monogamous relationships is a hotly debated topic. People within the CNM community have very strong feelings about it. But, what does it mean to have veto power? “In CNM relationships, ‘veto’ indicates an agreement between primary partners in which they can say no to new or other partners,” says Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. It’s the ability to tell your partner that they essentially have to break up with their other partner(s) if you don’t like them or the relationship. If that sounds problematic, that’s because it often is.

Whether you love it or hate it, the concept of veto power is one worth exploring and unpacking. As with all things dating-related, it’s complicated and in need of nuanced conversations.

If you’re active in the online dating realm, you’ve probably been hearing more about CNM — aka ethical non-monogamy or ENM — lately. The term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen a 213 percent spike in searches in the last year alone.

Here is everything you should know about veto power within CNM dynamics.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. It grants partners the ability to determine who their partner can and cannot have relationships with. It exists within hierarchical CNM dynamics, wherein there are two (or more) primary partners and all other partners are considered ‘secondary.’

Joli Hamilton, a qualitative researcher and relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, tells us veto power is an explicit or implicit agreement that one partner within a primary relationship can require a change to the structure, intensity, or existence of their partner’s other relationships. This can be true of new partners and existing partners. “Sometimes veto power is explicitly granted as a way to reinforce the idea that an existing couple will remain the priority over any new relationships that may come into existence,” she explains.

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. In order to use veto power in an ethical way (though some would argue it is never ethical), the agreement must be explicit. All partners within the relationship need to understand that the veto power is in place, how it functions for the primary partners, and consent to honoring it. As you may have guessed, this can get quite complicated.

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might choose to enact veto power. Hamilton says that it’s often used as a tool to help couples feel safer when they’re first opening up. Basically, it makes you feel like no matter who else you or your partner might date, you’ll always be the “chosen one.”

“Lots of people want veto power when they are transitioning from a monogamous paradigm to a more expansive relationship structure, in part because they can’t imagine a world where they wouldn’t have a say over what their partner does with their emotions or body,” she explains. This need to be held above all others is born out of ‘compulsory monogamy,’ the socially constructed notion that being monogamous and prioritizing one partner is the “correct” way of existing within a relationship.

And yes, this has problematic implications when you’re practicing CNM because it tries to hold a different way of relating to the monogamous standard. Hamilton says she’s seen plenty of couples use veto power as a means to retain a sense of control, with decidedly mixed results.

The positives of ‘veto power’

Criss tells us that there can be upsides in using veto power within CNM dynamics. If your relationship is consensually hierarchical, the veto can act as a safeguard for the primary partnership. Depending on the outlined agreement between partners, “this objection can be at the beginning of an additional relationship or later, if that relationship has become problematic,” she says. “One way to think of it is as a safe word for CNM: it indicates there is a problem or concern that needs to be addressed.”

When used in this way, the veto acts as less of a tool of control and more as a way to explore issues that come up with primary partners and their other partners. “It can be quite useful,” Criss adds.

Again, for this dynamic to work – the veto, and what it means within your dynamic, needs to be clearly outlined and agreed to by all parties involved in the relationship. When a person within the primary partnership takes on a secondary or tertiary partner, that partner needs to be fully aware of the existing veto power and consent to it. Otherwise, we’re just getting plain old unethical.

Hierarchical polyamorous and open structures are a highly contentious subject within the CNM community – with some people strongly endorsing hierarchy and others believing it is entirely unethical. Those who oppose it point to “monogamy culture,” wherein the idea of the “primary partnership” is of utmost importance – which goes against the very nature of CNM. There isn’t a total consensus.

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

Veto power offers primary partners a sense of control within relationships, but Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist, says that the “control” is usually a band-aid for larger issues. Often, the veto is used as a way to avoid dealing with the myriad uncomfortable feelings that come with opening up a relationship. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” she says. It tries to remove the need to face and work through difficult emotions and dynamics that inevitably come up when you’re involved with multiple partners. This doesn’t solve anything, and instead can build resentment.

Veto power can also be problematic when it is used as a means to control your partner’s behavior. Criss tells us that “using a veto to non-consensually control or threaten your partner is not OK, in fact it runs counter to the general idea of CNM.” CNM specifically emphasizes consent and individual autonomy so, when veto power is used as a way to infringe upon a partner’s autonomy, that’s when it becomes an issue.

“Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance.” Hamilton agrees, telling us that veto power can lead to hypervigilance within a relationship, often resulting in monitoring your partner’s behavior such as checking their phones or social media and trying to control who they are with and when. “All of these can increase the amount of jealousy we feel, and none of those behaviors lead to more trust in your partner,” she says. “Instead it keeps you locked in a cycle of watchful waiting for your partner to screw up or overstep your comfort.”

What’s more, even if both primary partners agree that veto power is on the table, it often neglects to consider the feelings, wishes, and boundaries of the (very real) human people who aren’t in the primary partnership. “Veto power removes consent, especially when you consider that in CNM there are multiple people involved,” Ghose says. This can turn into a very messy situation, very quickly.

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

Navigating these conversations requires empathy and nuance. “If your partner wants a veto and you’re not into it, this is an opportunity to get curious and investigate,” Criss says.

She suggests exploring the following questions: Why are they asking for this? Are you in alignment with your relationship goals, your CNM dynamic, and how you are feeling about each other?

Hamilton tells us that the need for veto can begin to dissipate once you learn to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. “Learn to regulate your nervous system and practice holding your body’s sensations and emotions during times of stress,” she says. This can look like adopting grounding and breathing techniques.

You may want to trade in veto power for authentic ways your partner can make you feel secure – and visa versa. “Have conversations about what security looks like and sounds like for you. Ask for those things to be prioritized,” Hamilton says. “Don’t make your partner guess – actually tell them what it looks and sounds like for you to receive their loving attention. Help them co-create a sense of security with you.”

Sometimes these conversations can be scary or confronting. If you find this is the case, you can always employ the help of a qualified, CNM-friendly sex therapist or coach to help you.

Whatever your journey is, we salute you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Do ‘Throuples’ Make It Work?

How do you overcome the emotional and practical hurdles that can complicate a three-person romantic relationship

By Mark Travers

Falling in love with two people at once is a genuine and profound experience for many. It’s not merely about divided affection; it’s about an expansive capability to care, connect and commit to more than one person. The decision to form a throuple can arise from various motivations, ranging from a shared bond or common goals to mutual attraction or simply the evolution of a friendship into something more.

Despite society becoming increasingly open-minded, non-traditional relationships like throuples (romantic relationships between three people) still face a set of unique challenges. It’s crucial to recognize that these relationships demand just as much dedication and work, if not more. Setting ground rules becomes paramount. Without clear guidelines and continuous dialogue, misunderstandings can spiral into larger conflicts.

Here are two conversations that can help throuples smooth out the kinks in what can be a potentially unstable dynamic.

1. The “Are We Ready To Do This” Conversation

When considering a throuple relationship, it’s essential to discuss and understand each partner’s background, experiences and motivations. Recognizing and embracing diversity early on can set the stage for open communication and mutual respect.

A 2019 study published in The Journal of Sex Research contrasted polyamorous relationships with monogamous ones in terms of demographics and life choices. It found that polyamorous individuals, including those who favor being in a throuple, often identified with minority sexual orientations. Moreover, they demonstrated tendencies towards civil unions and had experienced higher rates of divorce. Additionally, their annual incomes often fell below $40,000 compared to those in monogamous relationships.

These findings are more than just numbers—they hint at experiences, challenges and perspectives that individuals in throuples might bring into the relationship. While the age range was similar between both groups, life experiences and choices diverged significantly. Such insights can serve as valuable talking points for potential throuples. By acknowledging and discussing these differences from the outset, throuples can lay a solid foundation for their relationship, tolerant of diversity and emotional and experiential complexity.

Here are some ideas to ponder before considering taking the three-person relationship plunge:

  • Self-awareness. How well do you know your own boundaries, needs and triggers? Are you open to understanding and adapting to the needs and boundaries of two other individuals?
  • Past relationship dynamics. Given the higher rates of divorce and civil unions among polyamorous individuals, it’s worth discussing past relationships. What did you learn from them, and how can those lessons inform the dynamics of the throuple?
  • Financial compatibility. How do you envision sharing financial responsibilities? Will the financial contribution be even, or based on individual contribution?
  • Cultural and societal concerns. Given the non-traditional nature of throuples, are you prepared to face potential societal biases or prejudices? How will you handle questions or critiques from family, friends and strangers?
  • Having these conversations up front can provide clarity and help in setting the relationship on a firm foundation. Each question is designed to unravel complexities, address potential challenges and ensure that every individual in the throuple feels seen, heard and valued.

    2. The Regular “Check-In”

    Given that there are three individuals involved, each with their unique emotions, needs and expectations, ensuring a balance where everyone feels valued can be a delicate act. All three individuals will evolve as the relationship progresses, and their needs might shift. Regular check-ins provide a platform to address feelings or concerns that might arise, ensuring they don’t fester or escalate into bigger issues. Topics for regular check-ins might include:

    • Emotional well-being. Are the emotional needs or concerns of each partner addressed?
    • Time management. How are all three partners ensuring that they get quality time both individually and collectively? Are any adjustments needed?
    • Boundaries. Are the established boundaries still working? Do they need revisiting or adjusting based on the relationship’s progression?
    • Future planning. Throuples need to consider their future—living arrangements, financial plans or even family planning if that’s on the table.

    These conversations can help throuples identify issues that may not be obvious in everyday life. For instance, a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that 21% to 33% of individuals who had previously engaged in polyamory grappled with personal possessiveness and challenges in managing the associated emotions.

    While prior research suggests that jealousy is a more common problem in monogamous relationships, not polyamorous ones, the unique structure of a throuple might naturally present more varied situations that can trigger jealousy compared to a monogamous relationship. However, it’s essential to understand that jealousy isn’t exclusive to one type of relationship. The key, for such relationships, lies in recognizing potential jealousy triggers, maintaining open communication and setting clear boundaries, which can be made possible by frequent check-ins.

    Conclusion

    When it comes to making a throuple work, the foundation lies in trust, understanding and respect. While open conversations about your expectations and goals are important in any relationship, conversations about the whats, whys and hows become especially important in non-traditional arrangements. Although every throuple is unique, each will evolve over time. Recognizing that change is constant and being willing to navigate it together is crucial.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Extreme Eye Contact and Other Ways of Dating

— Forget dinner and a movie: Let’s see if we can gaze into each other’s eyes for three minutes instead.

By merging the techniques of somatic therapy with the structure of a singles event, the Feels is able to fast-track physical intimacy, creating an environment in which someone may end up feeling a potential partner’s heartbeat within minutes of meeting.

By Gina Cherelus

What happens when you skip the small talk during a date and go straight to hand-holding?

For roughly 50 people meeting for the first time inside a candlelit loft in Brooklyn on Wednesday, the gathering was a chance to explore attraction and desire not only with someone new, but also within themselves. Their goal: to achieve a deep, romantic connection by jumping directly to the physical.

The event, known as the Feels, fast-tracks intimacy by fusing mindfulness practices like meditation, unnaturally long eye contact and even feeling each other’s heartbeats within an environment meant for potential romantic partners.

“It’s designed to get past that first layer of ‘What do you do? Where do you live? What do you like to do for fun?’ and into ‘Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?’” Allie Hoffman, the host and founder, said before the event.

The night was tailored specifically for the so-called ethically nonmonogamous, or ENM — people who practice alternative relationship structures involving multiple partners, like polyamory.

“I’ve never been in a poly relationship, I’m exploring the dynamics,” said Eric Cave, who described himself as “poly-curious” and came from New Jersey for the event. “So in getting to know what I would be interested in, I would definitely want to have that strong emotional connection — nothing casual.”

Shortly after 7 p.m., the crowd — a mix of people of different races and ages — were given ground rules for the night and promptly started nestling on their backs over an assortment of patterned rugs inside an East Williamsburg event space called the Knife Factory. A few minutes into the process, they were called on to reach out for one another’s hands — the “first initiation of touch.” They were then grouped into pairs and told to ask each other personal questions, like “What are you ready to own about yourself?” or “What’s something that you’ve learned about your sexuality in the last six months?”

A close-up of someone leaning with his back against some leaning forward on the floor. His eyes are closed.
At one point in the evening, participants settled into positions seated back to back. As one leaned as far back as possible, the other hunched forward, forming a supportive base.

“Tonight the touch points are going to include your hand holding another hand, your back against somebody’s back, your hand on someone’s heart space and their hands on your heart space,” she said, “and you’re going to take turns leaning in and out of two long-held hugs.”

The sessions are sensual, but not erotic or sexual, according to Ms. Hoffman, who likes to instead describe it as “a love letter that will be between you and your body.” At first, the room was thick with nervous tension. Some people giggled when it was time to begin the extended eye-contact sessions (final count: 3 minutes 46 seconds), and one woman quickly took a sip of her wine before getting in position.

Another participant, who identified herself only as Jenny, said she was bracing for her “natural giggly mischievousness” to flare up the way it had in previous situations that were “very intentionally about creating a connection.” She was pleasantly surprised, however, “in that it does bring up some real, genuine-seeming feelings of connection.”

In the remaining three rounds, guests were asked to pair off with someone in the room they were interested in. Some chose the same person they had been matched with in the first round, while others gravitated quickly to participants who had clearly caught their eye. There were a couple of rejections and a few who settled for whoever was remaining.

“It got to that point where it was like musical chairs,” said Gabriel Rivera, 41, who was visiting from Los Angeles. “It wasn’t necessarily my first choice, but I did feel like I eased into it and the person made me feel comfortable.”

Ms. Hoffman said the idea for the event stemmed from two separate motivations: her desire, as a single, 39-year-old woman, to be around other single people, and her eagerness to put into action her studies at Columbia University, where she was then getting a master’s degree in spiritual psychology and learning about creating connections through physical communication, somatic awareness and mindfulness.

The first event took place last year and had about 20 attendees. Since then, she has held them twice a month and tailors each event to two different groups: ENM people and monogamous singles.

Two pairs of people sitting on the floor, staring at one another.
A session of sustained eye contact ran for a whopping 3 minutes 46 seconds.

Ms. Hoffman said the ENM events would be on hiatus until early 2024, explaining that while they began as a way for her to better understand her own feelings about nonmonogamy after a rocky relationship with a polyamorous man, she realized she was more interested in single-partner relationships.

As the night carried on, the degrees of physical separation in the room tightened. When guests were seated back to back, they leaned as far as their flexibility would allow while the other hunched forward as a supportive base. When it was time to touch each other’s “heart space,” some laid their hands directly on the left side of their partner’s chest while others made contact with just the tips of their fingers.

Somatic practices like meditation and eye gazing have long been incorporated in relationships. Many partners seek somatic couples therapy to heal issues and form deeper bonds and improve intimacy. The innovation here is attaching this mindfulness style to first-time romantic meet-ups. At first, it can be hard to imagine people who don’t know one another reaching that level of closeness, but as the night went on, guests were easing more into the practice and their partners.

“It felt like someone touched my soul,” one Brooklyn man, who declined to share his name for privacy reasons, said at the end of the night.

For the final somatic prompt, guests were asked to hug their partners and think about how they wanted to make their approach. One woman asked the man she was paired with if she could hug him from the back. Some hugs were tighter than others, some people rocked side to side, some people caressed their partners heads or dug their face in their hair.

When it was time to stop hugging, there were a couple of people who remained touching.

More people sitting on the floor, their eyes closed and their legs outstretched.
According to its founder, the event is intended to help participants bypass small talk and get straight to the loftier stuff: “Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Really Happens at a Sex Party?

— 8 Women Share Their True Stories

“Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries. It’s not free for all.”

By Varuna Srinivasan

Sex parties are exactly just that. They are parties, like any social gathering, except the people attending can (oftentimes) have sex. At some point in our lives, most of us have attempted to make out — or even get downright dirty — in the bathroom of a public venue, be it a nightclub, bar, or even an old-fashioned house party. (Plus, let’s be honest, many such locations are not safe places for women or queer folks.) Dancing and flirting are great, but if you’re looking to do more, know this: There are countless curated spaces that don’t just permit but encourage such mingling.

However, sex parties are not a monolith; they differ immensely from place to place, so I want you to forget what you’ve seen in the movies. While all such parties encourage sexual activity to some degree, it’s essential to have a clear understanding of what the party will entail — and to ensure that your own intentions, interests, and expectations align — prior to engaging in any activities (or even RSVPing). There are many differences between, say, a swingers orgy hosted at a person’s house versus a play party in a full-time dungeon, and both are quite unlike a warehouse party with beds in the back. My point: While your experience may vary for a number of reasons, the venue itself plays a big role.

Some parties encourage full-on orgies. Some are play parties that focus more on kink and not so much on penetration or heavy sexual activity. But all these events prioritize sex positivity, particularly play parties, also known as kink/BDSM parties.

“Play parties are often diverse and offer a protected outlet to explore diverse desires, specifically in groups beyond couple exchange,” explains Venus Cuffs, a nightlife entrepreneur and play party producer. “Swingers parties are typically, but not always, for couples in the swinger Lifestyle — with a capital L — meaning they like to play as a couple, often to varying degrees. But [they] will arrive and leave the party together and partake in couple-on-couple swaps.”

Cuffs says that people outside the BDSM community are often surprised to learn that most fetish or kink parties actually limit penetration, oral play, and, in some cases, even heavy petting.

What are some tips for a first-time sex party attendee?

It can feel daunting to go to a party where any type of sexual activity is encouraged. To ensure that you have a good time, below are three hot tip recommendations, straight from Venus Cuffs herself.

  1. Trust the source. Research the promote or group throwing and the party and make sure they prioritize consent and acceptance.
  2. Safety first. Make sure the people throwing the party have enforceable no-tolerance and policies and consent monitors.
  3. Communicate. Whether you’re going with a partner or alone, take time to mindfully think through desires, expectations and concerns. Check in with yourself often and prioritize your needs.

So, what are sex parties actually like?

Every experience is different, of course, so I spoke to eight women about their first time attending an event in one of these spaces. Curious to try out a sex party? Maybe you already RSVP’d and are now digging for details to figure out what you should expect. Either way, let their experiences give you a sneak preview on what it might involve.

Carly S. (26, New York City)

“When I was 18, I joined a swingers website. I started dating a couple who frequented swinger parties. My first experience was exciting because I went with [them], so we got a lot of attention because we were young, attractive, and all exhibitionists. It got me really into the sensual experience and meeting people who enjoyed it, as well.

“Now, I frequently attend parties, but instead of swinger parties, I tend to find more queer-oriented parties and kink-focused events. A typical event will have a space where people can chat (and not play) and get to know each other, as well as other various stations set up for different scenes to have fun. Consent and rules of engagement are typically involved in good spaces.

“Find a play partner who you can bring to explore with. It’s a lot easier when you have a friend to lean on for support. Also, nonsexual munches can be a great place to start and get to know people. Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries. It’s not free for all. If something or someone makes you uncomfortable, let someone know. “

Birdie* (23)

“I had previously attended a few fetish parties in Scotland called Torture Gardens. However, my first sex party was in November 2022.

“There was a lot of latex, leather, and lace involved. At around 9 p.m., we proceeded to the dungeon which was across the street from my friend’s home. The dungeon was divided into three parts: one had a couch, a wall of dildos, a standing cage, hoists, a spanking bench, and a big bed-like table. The second area featured a [penetrative machine] and a St. Andrew’s Cross, along with a bench and multiple impact play toys, ranging from riding crops to floggers made with rubber spikes. The third room was for those who wanted to indulge in [medical fetishism]. That room was stocked with equipment needed for sounding, milking, pumping, nitrous gas, speculums, and a [gynecologist] chair with provisions to have multiple restraints.

“It was definitely one of the more enlightening experiences of my life. The amount of aftercare each of us offered [one another] was extraordinary. Snuggles being shared across the rooms, people laughing, people moaning, people crying. Oh yes — crying. I cried. I cried a lot.”

Gray* (42)

“I discovered the swinging lifestyle after separating from my first husband in 2016. I met someone on Tinder who introduced me to sex clubs, parties, and the lifestyle. My first party was at a sex club in New York City called Checkmate.

“It was a regular-looking apartment building. We took the elevator downstairs, paid the fee, and were welcomed into a bar area. Once ready to play, we went to a locker area where we could take our clothes off and get ‘comfortable.’ We made it to the play areas: a group play room, a semi-private playroom, and the private play rooms. We observed and decided to start the party by playing together. Soon after, we were invited by other couples to join them and engaged in swapping situations. It was hot, a positive experience for sure. The rest is history.”

Christine Marie (44, New York City)

“My first experience was a prepandemic party in a private loft. This was a performance-based event where the performers sometimes engaged in sex on stage. I saw Vonka and Lydia of the Bluenettes perform a milk-soaked kitten-[themed] act, which was the wildest, hottest thing I had ever seen in porn or real life. I was in the front row, just a couple of feet from two beautiful writhing bodies engaged in sapphic love and pleasure.

“Since then, I’ve been to several different kinds of parties. There are no typical parties, as they all differ depending on who is throwing them. I only frequent parties [organized] by those who prioritize the safety of everyone involved, [which means] having clear consent standards, agreements, and boundaries and [hiring] guardians for attendees to reach out to as a way to reduce harm. Those are the parties that I often recommend.”

Annie* (early 30s)

“First, to clarify, I am not a member of the swing lifestyle. I am a member of the kink community and a BDSM practitioner. I have never had group sex, nor do I attend swing parties or share partners. I go to BDSM and kink-friendly parties, many of which are sex-positive. I am monogamous when dating and, although I engage in play at parties, it is not always inherently sexual.

“The first event I went to was a BDSM party for 18- to 35-year-olds. There were strict rules: no nudity and no penetrative play. I was really nervous, and my friend left me early on to go play with a friend of theirs, so I mostly spent the night talking to people and getting to know how a party works. There were dungeon monitors to make sure the scenes and people were safe, [as well as] toys you could borrow, a spanking bench, St. Andrew’s cross, several hard points for suspension, and a massage table. I ended up meeting a guy who had never been to a party either and we fooled around a bit in a kind of vanilla way. “

“My first time was at the Hacienda in Brooklyn. Hacienda is a house, so it’s a very social space —- at least, that has been my experience since I go to smaller parties where there is food prepared by a chef, an outdoor space where people talk, and play areas.

“Even though I knew the etiquette and theory — Playing Well With Others was a big help — I was a bit nervous. People told me I was a natural, but I think that’s just because I was very mindful, communicative, and open to new experiences. I had sex with three people separately, [each] on a one-on-one basis and not as a group, and met a ton of sex-positive individuals. It felt like I finally found my people.

“Everyone is nice to each other, everyone takes consent very seriously. I feel extremely safe there. There’s people that don’t play with anyone and just socialize and there’s others having seven-person orgies. You’ll find whatever you want there.”

Sass (29, Canada)

“My first experience was very positive. I went with someone who was very experienced in the kink and swinging community. It was a bit of a shock to see people engaging in various sexual acts all in the open — not in a negative way, [I simply hadn’t] been in that environment before.

“[The party featured] good music, lots of sexy people, and really hot scenes — so hot that I stepped out of my comfort zone to openly masturbate in a less-crowded area, [where a woman then] asked to join me. She also asked me if her husband could watch. I was surprisingly okay with it, considering I’m not really into men.”

Maya,* 28

“I’ve never been to a sex party, but I have been to a number of sex clubs. The first one I ever went to was KitKat in Berlin. I honestly wasn’t shocked by anything happening around me, it was a pretty free and accepting environment. All clubs work differently, but usually they will take your phone or give you a locker [for it] and potentially a place to get towels and things for safe sex. People can be having sex all around you and generally will only engage if you give clear consent.

“I’ve been to a few other clubs of this nature around the world and they have similar vibes. Some are more exclusive than others, some are more queer-focused, but the ethos around it [all] is positivity and enjoyment.”

*Interviews have been edited for length and clarity. Some names have been changed at the request of sources.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Sexiest Part of an Open Relationship?

— The Rules

By Tom Rasmussen

Whether open or monogamous, all relationships are defined by rules. Rules, promises, vows even. Now in a monogamous setup there’s usually only one rule: Don’t fuck or fall in love with or flirt or fool around with anyone who isn’t me. It’s an easy rule to follow. And it’s an easy rule to break.

In an open relationship, rules are a little different. Their contents, and your relationship to them as a couple, is open season. Now I’ve slept with people who are deeply strict about their rules; I’ve heard of people sharing Excel spreadsheets with new prospective partners detailing each and every rule they abide by; and I’ve heard of people with no rules whatsoever.

I fall in between: The rules of my relationship are evolving, the central ones being “try to welcome change” and “be generous.” It sounds really vague, but when applied to the other rules, it means we can have generous conversations about the unruliness of human emotions.

When my husband and I first went open, he and I had a “you can’t sleep with someone more than three times” rule. And it worked, for a while. But eventually I met someone who asked me on a fourth date. A fourth date on which I wanted to go. The sex was good, my emotions were in check, and he was fit. Of course, the fear of me leaving my partner after three dates—which is why we made the rule in the first place—now seemed completely absurd. Three dates versus nine years. And so when we talked about this fourth date, it seemed like a no-brainer. In fact it allowed us to be both realistic about what it was we’d built together, and the very real fear of one of us leaving the other.

A fourth date with Hot Guy turned into a whole summer, and while there was never any danger of my leaving my primary partner, the situation neared the edges of our next rule: “Don’t fall in love with anyone else.” And so, after many measured discussions (and some not so), I ended the relationship with Really Hot Summer Guy.

It was in this process of exploring, of stretching and bending the rules, that we formulated new rules in our relationship. We met each different feeling and emotion with our two central rules in mind: “be generous” and “try to welcome change.” Change takes time, and generosity takes understanding. And so we talked, we questioned, we fought a little, and we even went to bed angry.

We learned—we’re learning—that rules are context specific, and that we don’t have to have the same emotional response to everything: He might be calm about something I might be jealous of, and vice versa. But with each different scenario came opportunity for deeper understanding about our fears, our desires, and areas of our relationship that maybe need more care. It’s always, as it should be, a work in progress.

When I first started down the route of open relationships, it all seemed so odd. So many rules, both boring and fussy. Seems like a rather unromantic paradox to me. And yet I’ve found the formulation, and continued evolution, of the rules in my relationship to be one of the most healthy and invigorating things about it. Now we are required to discuss the terms of our relationship with each other; now we must speak on our real desires because the stakes are higher if we don’t. Now we talk about dating others, the sex we’ve had, the sex we want to have with each other as a result of the sex we’ve had, as well as talking about how bad the Wi-Fi connection is in our bedroom and why the fridge keeps freezing everything.

In previously monogamous relationships, I often found that bringing up the rules of our entanglement could incite a complicated conversation that felt more like I was questioning both the relationship and monogamy itself. I probably was, and I perhaps think that my monogamous relationships could have benefited from questioning too: to ensure it was really right for us both, to ensure its maintenance. It ended because we both cheated. Although that cheating was symptomatic of incompatible desire and incompatible experiences of jealousy. And really it was in an inability to, or an avoidance of, talking about the structures of our relationship that it became brittle. If we can’t ask questions of something, is it structurally sound at all?

An open relationship isn’t for everyone. At times the rules are fun, at times they are laborious. At times you wish you hadn’t set a rule, and at times there is hurt when one person read the letter of the rule and another lived the spirit. But we must continue to grow toward each other in all of our various relationships: to understand that words and rules and definitions can only ever do half the work in describing feelings, desires, entanglements.

Now one of my favorite conversations to have on dates is about their rules, my rules, how we all came up with them, how we manage them. It’s sort of like gossip, but about your own sex life. Trust is a nebulous thing, and something very easy to lose but very hard to regain. It takes a lot of work, a lot of thought, respect, and care to nourish something that is at once so fragile and capable of bearing the weight of complicated emotions.

Rules and promises help us to maintain and further this trust. Yes, I might be sleeping with someone else, but if this sex is happening inside a set of rules created with my partner, then the sex with another person in fact becomes irrelevant. The trust lies in the rules. Some people’s rules are to break every rule. And still, the same ends—trust—are achieved.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Friends with benefits

– What a sex and relationship therapist wants you to know

By

There are many kinds of sexual situations people can get into – everything from committed monogamous relationships to a one-night stand. But friends with benefits (FWB) situations are often still seen as controversial, perhaps because of the potential for heartbreak.

Typically, FWB arrangements involve two people engaging in casual sexual activities without the expectations and constraints often associated with romantic partnerships. Unlike a fling or a hook up there is often an understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume or continue even if the physical relationship ends.

Different types of relationships can serve different purposes. Psychological research into FWB arrangements has shown they can be more complicated than media portrayals give them credit for. Unlike a fling or a hook up, FWB arrangements, often involve understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume even if the physical relationship ends.

It’s not for everyone. Recognising your relationship preference is key to understanding whether FWB can work for you or not. If you’re trying to decide whether it’s for you, take some time to think about how you approach commitment. Consider, for example, whether you have a strong inclination towards exclusive relationships.

Research suggests that some people lean towards a committed monogamous relationship while others are comfortable with arrangements across the spectrum of casual and noncommittal arrangement types.

FWB relationships tend to fall into three camps: best friends, sex only and network opportunities. Sex-only relations for example, focus on the physical aspect, while the motivation for network opportunity relationships revolves around opportunity and access to each other’s social circles. Best friends relationships often enjoy both a physical and platonic connection.

The benefits

Research shows many people have a positive experience: it doesn’t always end in disaster.

One of the main perks is that FWB relationships give people sexual freedom, without the constraints of a monogamous romantic partnership. It is like having a trusted partner to experiment with and to enjoy regular consensual sex, but with greater emotional independence.

FWB setups give partners the space and time to explore different relationship styles, as people go through different stages in their lives. For example, one person may be going through a phase where they want more than a one-night stand but are not quite ready for a long-term commitment.

FWB relationships may in fact empower younger women to get their sexual needs met in a way that is similar to men’s ability to do so through casual one-time encounters. Some women report they are more likely to have their sexual needs met in a FWB situation than a hook up.

For instance, in one study of US university students, young women said FWB was a situation where they were encouraged to express their sexuality and were not “held back” by society’s double standards such as slut shaming. So it can be an important part of people’s sexual and relational development that allows them to explore different parts of themselves.

The downsides

Jumping into a FWB is not without its risks. You could end up losing the friendship. Perhaps one person hopes for more than a casual liaison, while the other person wants to keep things simple and physical. The person who wants a deeper relationship may avoid rocking the boat out of fear the arrangement will end if they tell the truth. Those unequal feelings can end up causing heartache.

It is also worth mentioning that some people may deliberately give their FWB the idea it could lead to commitment so that they can get intimacy as they want. Here are some signs your FWB partner has malicious intentions:

  • coercing you into in sexual acts you’ve expressed reluctance to participate in
  • refusing to practice safe sex
  • gaslighting (manipulating you into questioning your own sanity or powers of reasoning)
  • unwillingness to negotiate emotional boundaries.

Of course, some cultures reject the idea of non-monogamous relationships. As long as unorthodox relationships such as FWB lack universal recognition, they are vulnerable to stigma and judgement.

What to keep in mind

As you spend more time in a FWB relationship, feelings can sneak in when you least expect it, which can hit one person harder than the other. This is one of the most challenging complications of this type of relationship. Some people might avoid these kind of conversations because they might fear it sounds like they’re taking the relationship more seriously than the other. Yet, it is important to know where you stand to avoid psychological distress, uncertainty and esteem issues.

happy black couple playing in bed
Talking straight can help avoid confusion.

There is no no rulebook for how to steer FWBs. But be upfront about your feelings and boundaries and manage expectations. This can help minimise misunderstandings. If you discover you both want different things out of the situation, reassess whether it’s time to find a more compatible partnership somewhere else.

Also remember to practice safe sex. Studies show that when people trust their partner, they are less likely to use condoms. Unprotected sex puts all parties at risk for STIs and unwanted pregnancies.

Navigating FWB setups can be tricky. From a sex therapist’s point of view, there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to relationships. This arrangement should work as long as you both want the same things.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is how we do it

— ‘Every few weeks we both go out on our own and sleep with another man’

They’ve been together for two years, but opening up their relationship has worked for Lorenzo and Felix

By

Lorenzo, 31

Threesomes can be a bit of a juggling act. I’m thinking: ‘Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?’

Felix and I had sex the first afternoon we met, and I remember that he made a huge amount of noise. I have an office on the floor above my apartment and the walls are very thin. I have a vivid memory of being right in the middle of a particularly intimate moment and actually hearing the telephone ringing upstairs through all the racket Felix was making. It suddenly became obvious that if I could hear that telephone, everyone in the office could hear us. I did try to shush Felix a bit, but I found his lack of inhibition refreshing.

We had met on Grindr, and some of the other men I had slept with via the app seemed uneasy with their homosexuality. I live in Spain, and while it’s not exactly dangerous to be gay, life still revolves around the church. I’ve met men who wanted to keep the lights off during sex, or who kept their shirts on, or who begged me to treat them like dirt. Felix was utterly unlike that: he was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then take our trousers off.

Felix was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then immediately take our trousers off

I am the top with Felix, meaning I am the active partner, whereas Felix is the bottom. But in reality, Felix is much more versatile – he’s just forced to stick to a passive role with me because I can’t physically cope with being the bottom. It’s an anatomical thing. Mentally I’d love to, but physically it simply doesn’t work. Felix and I agree that it’s unfair that I can’t satisfy him in that way, so we decided to open up our relationship. We’ve been together for two years, but every few weeks we will each go out individually and sleep with another man. We also like to meet men together and have threesomes.

Threesomes are sexy, but they take a surprising amount of organisation. We chat to contenders online, and Felix does most of the texting because he is a lot better at flirting than I am. The threesome itself can be a bit of a juggling act. I’ll be thinking: “Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?” It’s like tapping your head and rubbbing your tummy at the same time. I think we’re getting better at them, though. I suppose threesomes, like twosomes, are a learning curve.

Felix, 28

After the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo

My sexual energy is extremely high, and occasionally a little too much for Lorenzo. If we’re in the kitchen, for example, I’ll want to be right behind him at the sink, hugging and touching and grabbing his bum. I don’t think he likes it. He shows his love in other ways, through acts of care and by how attentively he listens. He is less sexual than me, and that is partly why we have decided to sleep with other people.

We are always updating the terms of our arrangement, and part of the deal is that we debrief one another about every man we have sex with. I will show him pictures of the men I have been home with, particularly the cute ones, and talk through their best moves. Lorenzo and I have always been truthful, even about our sexual compatibility. Lorenzo is a top, whereas I like to switch roles. Because he couldn’t give me everything I needed, early on he decided that wasn’t fair on me, so he insisted that we should both be free.

We rarely agree on who’s hot and who’s not. I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. Twinks, really. That’s not his type

Occasionally I will sleep with a particularly attractive guy and then arrange a date to bring him home for a threesome. The trouble is, we rarely agree on who is hot and who is not. Lorenzo has shown me men he liked in the past and I have been like: “Ew.” I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. That’s not his type, but we take it in turns to compromise.

We have strict rules about falling in love. We aren’t allowed to develop feelings for other people. That’s never been a problem for me – after the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo. I’ll be put off by the way this strange man kisses or the way his tongue feels in my mouth. I’ll smell his trashy aftershave and it will make me think of the very specific, fresh scent of Lorenzo’s skin. Every time I sleep with another man, I end up loving Lorenzo a little more.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Relationships Work?

By Gabrielle Kassel

The phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” may bring to mind the discriminatory policy from the ’90s that kept LGBTQ+ folks in the U.S. military from sharing information about their sexuality or non-cis gender. But the phrase has another meaning in polyamorous circles: a non-monogamous relationship structure that allows some kinds of physical, sexual, and/or emotional connections with people outside the core (or primary) relationship.

Thankfully, the former interpretation of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was repealed by Congress in 2011, while the latter is a relationship agreement practiced by many lovers today. But what does a DADT relationship look like exactly? And can it work? Due to the down-low nature of the extra-relationship flings involved, the answers to these basic questions can feel nebulous—so we asked relationship therapists to set the record straight.

Experts In This Article

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is a relationship agreement where both (or all) people in the relationship have enthusiastically consented to a relationship structure where one or more of the people in the relationship are free to pursue and engage in sexual, romantic, and/or emotional mingling with someone(s) outside of the relationship.

The catch, however, is that the people in the “original” relationship do not discuss these extra-relational connections, and therefore do not know what their partner is up to, explains psychotherapist and sex and relationship expert Rachel Wright, LMFT, host of the podcast The Wright Conversations: A Podcast About Sex, Relationships, and Mental Health. “Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it’,” she says.

“Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it.’”
—Rachel Wright, LMFT, psychotherapist

Exactly what the individuals in the relationship are allowed to pursue will vary, says Brett Chamberlin, executive director at the Organization for Polyamory & Ethical Non-monogamy. “Some agreements will allow the partners to have intercourse with other individuals so long as they use barriers, while other people may limit activity to kissing in public places, like on the dance floor,” he says. In the former example, it would be considered a breach of the relationship agreement (aka cheating) if one of the partners did not use protection, while in the other it would be considered a breach if someone went home with the cutie from the dance floor, he says.

How little (or much) the individuals in the relationship ask and tell also varies among DADT relationships. “Some people might want to know who their partner is seeing and where they are going, but not any of the specific details of what happens on the date,” says Chamberlin. Meanwhile, other people might be okay simply knowing that their partner is going out—and not knowing whether that’s with a right swipe, friend, or ongoing boo, he says.

Regardless of the exact agreements at play, a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship structure allows people to receive only the information they actually want to receive, within a container that is safe, loving, and consensual. “It offers a clear and intentional way to create a filter valve on the flow of information,” says psychotherapist and board-certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST.

Is DADT a form of non-monogamy?

Great question. “If everyone involved is consenting to it being a DADT situation, then yes, it is a form of non-monogamy,” says Wright.

As a refresher: Non-monogamy is any kind of relationship wherein people are allowed to, within the agreements of their relationship(s), form romantic and/or sexual connections with multiple people, explains Wright. You may have heard non-monogamy referred to as ethical non-monogamy (or ENM), but many polyamorous educators, therapists, and practitioners are moving away from that nomenclature, she says. Simply, because there is no such thing as unethical non-monogamy—if it’s not ethical, it’s not non-monogamy at all, but cheating.

“If not everyone is consenting to the DADT situation, then that would be cheating,” says Wright. Cheating, she explains, is about breaking a relationship agreement. “If the agreement is ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ then there’s nothing being broken when nothing is asked and nothing is told, and therefore it is not a form of cheating, but a style of non-monogamy.”

No, DADT relationships aren’t (usually) just lying in disguise

DADT relationships are often stereotyped for being used by monogamous folks to excuse away affairs and other extramarital lies, says Francis.

But there are many (many!) ways for folks to set up their DADT relationship that don’t involve lying, says Francis. “There is a common understanding that being honest means sharing all information possible at all times, and under this perspective, privacy—especially when there are firm lines around it—is deception,” she says.

But in actuality, it’s possible to be honest with your partner(s) without sharing absolutely everything. People with all different relationship structures actively filter out details of what they share and don’t share with their partner, says Francis. For instance: Do you volunteer all your financial activity to your partner? Do you share with them the details of your conversations with your friends? Do you talk about your bowel movements? “Every person and relationship has different agreements about what they do and do not choose to be shared,” says Francis.

The difference: In a relationship marked by honesty, the people within the relationship have created agreements about what needs to be shared—and what does not need to be shared—in order to honor each individual’s wants and boundaries.

The potential downsides of DADT

“There can be many problems with DADT, however it isn’t an inherently flawed relationship modality,” says Francis. Still, if you’re considering the structure for yourself, certain potential issues are worth acknowledging.

Generally speaking, DADT relationship structures work best when one (or all) of the people in the primary relationship travel for work, or the individuals do not live (aka nest) together, says Zane. Without these built-in separations, you’re more likely to fall into the pitfalls of lying, he says.

DADT dynamics also generally work best when the amount of sex, romance, or other agreed-upon form of intimacy you want to have outside of the relationship is relatively low. “If you’re constantly having sex with others, and then needing to lie about what you did and where you were to your partner, it’s likely that your relationship will explode rather quickly,” sex educator Zachary Zane, sex expert for the dating app Archer, previously told Well+Good.

Given the nature of the arrangement, DADT can offer particular challenges when a boundary is broken. After all, it can be tricky to disclose that a boundary was breached without sharing information that is normally deemed off-limits. That’s why Francis says it’s important to preemptively have a plan of action in place for moving forward if this happens. (More on this in a sec!)

A “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship can work—here’s how to tell if it’s for you

1. Reflect, reflect, reflect

Sure, this type of agreement might sound perfect to you (and your partners) upon first glance. But before you implement it, Wright recommends digging a little deeper to understand why, exactly, this relationship set-up is appealing to you.

Start by analyzing your current relationship, she says, assuming you’re in one. Is a DADT relationship something that uniquely excites you… or is it your first-stop solution to a component that currently feels like it is missing? Are there other things you could implement—for instance, a weekly date night, mutual masturbation, a vibrator, etc.—that could also fill the same void? In general, introducing third (fourth, or fifth) parties is a messier, less effective way at fixing existing relationship issues than solving for the issue within the pre-existing dyad (or triad).

2. Think about your communication skills

Next, noodle on your comfortability communicating with your boo. Does this relationship structure have appeal to you because you don’t trust that your partner can share about their dalliances in a way that honors your feelings? Or, maybe it’s because you don’t trust yourself to tactfully share about your other bonds with your boo?

While these are both *fine* reasons to come to a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship, they do hint at other communication break-downs within your dyad that will likely continue to come up, no matter your relationship structure.

“In an ideal situation, the folks practicing DADT are not using the label to shield themselves from honest communication, from the vulnerable process of relationship negotiation, or to ignore one another’s boundaries by doing things in secret,” says Francis. But rather, they are open to vulnerability, have strengthened their communication skills, and are choosing this structure because they’ve discerned it’s best for them after thoughtful deliberation, she says.

3. Negotiate for success

Given that the degree of discretion in DADT agreements can range from complete secrecy to, “I’d rather not hear about details of how you spent your time together with others until I’m in the right headspace to listen,” Francis notes that you and your partner(s) will need to get granular about what the DADT framework means for you specifically.

Here, Francis offers some questions to consider together:

  1. What information do you want to know for your health, safety, or well-being?
  2. What information do you need to know to feel respected, loved, and invested in this relationship?
  3. What information do you not want or need about my other relationships?
  4. Under what circumstances should I make something known, or signal to you that I want or need to share something with you?
  5. How will you signal to me that you’d like to know more details or information?

“Asking these questions bi-directionally can help you build a solid foundation for your non monogamy, and keep your choice to practice DADT,” she says.

4. Work with a couples therapist or polyamory coach

PSA: You don’t have to make this decision all on your own. A non-monogamy-informed couples therapist or polyamory educator can help you and your partner(s) figure out exactly what kind of relationship agreement(s) make sense for you.

“I work with a lot of couples who are opening up their monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous relationship and help them come up with agreements around what they want to ask and share, if anything,” says Wright.

5. Research other forms of non-monogamy

A DADT style relationship may be what you and your boo(s) decide works best for you. However, you won’t really know if that is the case until you learn about other forms of relationship agreements.

“There are some great discord servers, meet-up groups, online educators, and written resources on these topics,” Chamberlin says. Some great starting points are listening to the Multiamory podcast, reading books like Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and following polyamorous and non-monogamist sex educators like Remodeled Love, Gab Alexa, Bear & Fifi, and Chill Polyamory on Instagram.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ethical non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

By

Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life in a Monogamous Relationship

— Because, Yes, Familiarity Can Breed Boredom

By Lia Avellino, LCSW

For years, studies have shown that Americans are having less sex, whether they’re teens or in midlife. While researchers posit several different reasons for that—the lasting social effects of a pandemic that encouraged isolation, and more reliance on our devices over human connection, to name just two—I’d wager to say that for plenty of people in monogamous relationships, the idea of sex may just feel unexciting or uninspiring. As a modern love therapist, one of the most common requests I get from people in long-term monogamous relationships is for support in learning how to spice up their relationship, and specifically, their sex lives within it.

While people who are interested in exploring non-monogamy may be able to rev up their sex lives through the novelty of additional partners, those in a monogamous relationship (who aren’t interested in opening it up) may find that the extreme familiarity they have with their partner can become a breeding ground for boring sex. And boring sex likely isn’t pleasurable or satisfying sex, either—which can just make the people involved less likely to seek it out in the first place.

According to relationship expert Esther Perel, it’s common for couples to experience dissonance as they negotiate between their values and their desires; on the one hand, they might value closeness and intimacy, but on the other hand, they might desire wildness, mystery, and intrigue.

Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown.

Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown. In order to feel desire, defined as hunger and craving, you have to want something you don’t currently have. And yet, to build an intimate and sustainable relationship, you need to have a person in your life (and in your bed) about whom you know a great deal.

Still, it’s certainly possible to infuse a long-term monogamous relationship with some excitement if you avoid falling into the trap of monotony. Below, find seven easy tactics for how to spice up your relationship and crank the volume on your sex life, even if it’s the same partner every time.

How to spice up your relationship and take the monotony out of monogamy

1. Approach everyday interactions with your partner more mindfully

Research shows that we listen to those we love the least closely because we believe we can predict what they are going to say. When we get used to something or someone, we tend to tune out, rather than tune in. Take, for example, brushing your teeth; do you really pay attention while you’re doing it?

In much the same way, you might realize that you tend to ask your partner how their day was without really listening to the answer, or automatically assume the same sex position or choose to have sex after dinner or with the lights out every time you have it. While there is nothing wrong with any of these practices, in theory, they all present opportunities to numb out rather than really feel—which is necessary to experiencing pleasure.

Choosing to tune into these interactions with a partner rather than allowing them to become passive programming can help you to feel more present and thus more satisfied in your relationship (and in bed).

2. Consider how your sexual desires have evolved since you started dating your partner

In all relationships, we develop patterns of interactions or ways of being together that become familiar. We often forget that when we commit to a person, we aren’t committing to being the same with that person forever. As our circumstances change—we age, have new experiences, grow, experience loss—our needs change, too.

The fact that we transform is not the problem; it’s that many times, we don’t reorient ourselves to our new needs, and therefore don’t alert our partner of these changing needs, either. What you liked when you first met your partner may be very different now, and yet you might still be relying on old patterns of interaction that no longer fit.

Human sexuality expert and sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD, recommends asking yourself: “What is it that I want when I want sex?” and “What is it that I like when I like sex?” I recommend adding in questions like: “What prevents me from feeling good in my body?” and “What enables me to feel good in my body?” Then, ask your partner the same questions.

It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food.

Don’t be afraid to get detailed in your investigation. It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food, and that consistent inquiry into what you and your partner like will be necessary throughout your relationship to keep sex, well, sexy.

3. Get to know your non-sexual pleasures

If you find that you struggle to answer the questions about sexual desire above, it may be because pleasure isn’t something you feel comfortable owning or experiencing—and probably for very good reason. Your body might not have always felt safe in scenarios where pleasure was involved, or you may have been taught to prioritize what others want from you versus what you want. After all, we live in a world where many bodies are under attack and in a culture that has long privileged men’s pleasure over women’s (hello, orgasm gap).

All of the above could mean you need some personal space to heal your relationship to pleasure. From an emotional perspective, when we are unable to feel pleasure, it’s not because we can’t access it; it’s because our bodies are protecting us from feeling anything at all so as to shield us from pain.

Before approaching more pleasurable sex, it might be helpful to explore what feels good, what you like, and what you want outside of sex, and report back to your partner. Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices for Getting in Touch with Your Body, by Ev’Yan Whitney, provides accessible journal prompts to get you started on your pleasure journey.

4. Create a transitional pre-sex practice for when the day’s obligations are done

One of the common complaints I hear is that people aren’t “in the mood” or are “too exhausted” at the end of the day for sex and deep connection. I do not doubt the truth of these statements; there are so many demands on our time and energy at this cultural moment.

But what may also be contributing to these feelings is the fact that, when we’re overwhelmed, the part of our brain that can connect is not readily available to us. If we attempt to go from a busy workday, an evening workout, or preparing dinner to pressing “go” on sexual connection, we are setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves.

Instead, create a transitional practice that enables your body to enter a window where connection feels possible. If you typically run anxious, ask yourself, “What sounds, sights, tastes, textures, and/or scents soothe me?” and see how you can incorporate one or more of these sensory items into a pre-sex ritual. Or, if you tend to feel low on energy or fatigued when the time for sex rolls around, do the same thing for the sensations or sensory items that typically energize you.

Integrating, for example, a few songs, movements, or fragrances that bring you back home to your body might give you just what you need to be able to shift into a connection space with your partner and make sex feel more exciting.

5. Get curious about your sex life

When we experience dissatisfaction in our sex life, we typically create a problem-focused narrative. It might sound something like, “My partner is lazy,” or “We aren’t compatible anymore.” The issue with this type of story is that it prevents further investigation. And it’s often just a strategy for avoiding feeling hurt, jealousy, or anger while steering clear of what’s really happening below the surface.

Instead, get curious about what’s happening or what’s changed in the dynamic with your partner. For example, instead of saying, “My partner doesn’t have energy for sex,” ask yourself, “What might be taking up all his energy?” Or, instead of saying, “I just don’t find sex pleasurable with my partner anymore,” ask yourself, “What has shifted for me when it comes to sex, and what may have shifted for her?” These open-ended questions offer up new pathways for connection, rather than shutting them down.

6. Discuss the sensitive or tough stuff

Sometimes, a boring or unsexy sex life is actually covering up disconnection in a relationship, which never feels good. Because our brains like to focus on what is familiar and predictable, many of us avoid asking questions about things that we fear, or to which the answers could vary widely. But when we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us. And sex tends to fall away (or become less satisfying) in the resulting chasm.

When we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us.

Ask yourself: What are you wondering about your partner, but are afraid to know the answer to? Some ideas are: “What sexual fantasies do you have that exist outside of us, and how would you want to share them with me?”, “What do you wish were different about our relationship?”, “What do you feel insecure about in our relationship?”, “What makes it hard for you to connect with me?”, and “What ideas do you have about bringing more fire into our connection?” Anything that invites newness into a relationship has the potential to enliven it.

7. Spend time doing fun things outside of your relationship

This sounds counterintuitive, but in actuality, finding joy outside of a relationship can help you thrive within the relationship. Sometimes, we depend too heavily on our partners to meet our every need, and this puts too much weight on the relationship for it to thrive. The route to closeness might actually be differentiation and spending more time on your own.

How are you nurturing your own garden? What is your sexual relationship with yourself like? Do you still do things that bring you playfulness and joy that have nothing to do with your partner? Accessing the sensual, sexual, and curious parts of you that you may have left behind when you coupled up won’t just leave you feeling more fulfilled; it could also help you do your part in reigniting a spark between you and your partner.

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What Happens When You End Up With the Wrong Person in a Polyamorous Relationship?

— When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye.

Francesco Morandini’s The Three Graces, 1544-1597, Uffizi Gallery.

By Shon Faye

Dear Shon,

I am in a long-term and loving relationship with my partner of almost seven years. We live together and share a fun, happy, and fulfilling life together. We tried polyamory last year, and I fell in love with someone new and was in a relationship with that person for about 10 months. I fell really hard and fast and deep. I had only ever been in love with my partner before meeting this new person. I could see a future with them, and we slotted into each other’s lives. I was totally besotted. It felt so romantic and big.

Then they broke up with me. They said they didn’t want our relationship to end but they couldn’t see a way for it to move forward that would work for them. They wanted things that I couldn’t give them. We have been broken up for three months, and I am miserable. I have been as open as I can be with my primary partner, and we are managing. I have started new hobbies, met new people, slept, cried, eaten well, stayed hydrated, listened to sad music, talked about it with friends. I have been sober since breaking up. I have been looking after myself. And I am miserable.

What should I do? Is this a choice between two lovers? Or should I fight for them back (when I’m not sure I can give them what they need)?

In heartbreak,

S

Dear S,

The solution to your problem is simple for me to explain, though not easy for you to bear. You’re so devastated because you’re learning one of the most painful lessons there is to learn: that the presence of love is not the only requirement for a relationship to work. Sometimes, an overwhelming passion for another person and an intensity of feeling and connection to them that seems life altering leads absolutely nowhere. You are ruminating over your hopes and fantasies when you were falling for this person—it all seemed to be pointing toward something exciting and transformative. Your life felt elevated and gleamed with potential. Then it just ended. It sucks. I can tell you from experience that ending a relationship under these circumstances feels like burying something still alive so that it can slowly die, shrivel, and decay in the darkness. The imagery I am using is a touch dramatic but only because withdrawing from love is an experience of extremes and, when you’re in it, can honestly feel like a matter of life and death.

I think the fact that this occurred within the context of polyamory is less important, actually. It can and does happen every day to people who are monogamous. If you have only ever loved your primary partner until now and that love progressed to a relationship of many years, you haven’t had the experience of releasing someone in the midst of infatuation because you’re simply not compatible. I wish someone sat us down as teenagers and told us about how important compatibility is. Then again, who would listen as it all sounds so terribly boring: timing, values, financial aspirations, religion, ethics, desires for children, location. Turns out that cumulatively they all matter far more than chemistry and passion in the long term.

You probably know some of this because of your existing partner. They are familiar to you; the love you have for them is perhaps quieter, more consistent, more reliable—even a little boring. That’s what a lot of long-term relationships are—a decision every day to share the mundanity of life. There can still be joys and surprises, but they’re slower and subtler. They will never be as dramatic and grandiose as the thoughts and feelings we experience in the early stages of infatuation, when we have a blank canvas to paint all of our greatest fantasies onto someone new. It’s unsustainable. If you’re still thinking in epic, cinematic terms after a year or two, it’s probably a sign the relationship is dysfunctional.

This isn’t a choice between two lovers because you say you aren’t dissatisfied with your first partner—you are just desperately looking for a way to hold on to the new love, and so your mind keeps presenting this as an ultimatum: End your current relationship and chase a dream, or feel this pain forever. In reality, leaving your current partner would very much risk adding another heartbreak to this scenario and is no guarantee you would make it work with this new person. Fighting for them may work for a month or two, but breakups happen for a reason.

You’re doing all the right things for getting over heartbreak—make sure too that you do not follow this person on social media or maintain contact with them. It is brutal at first, but it works. One thought I had was about your existing partner and their reaction to all this: I would gently suggest that they cannot be the person who supports you through this grief. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t mean we lose all feelings of jealousy, pain, or resentment. You need to explain to your partner that you’re trying your best to get over this, but also ask them how they feel and what boundaries they may need. It’s good to talk to friends about the breakup and accept that, while your partner is concerned about you, they have their own limits. Once, when I was heartbroken and unsure I would ever be happy again, my friend said to me: “Time will do the work for you if you just keep moving through it.” Hang on in there; it will pass.

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So, You Want To Open Your Monogamous Relationship?

— Here’s Where To Start

By Eliza Dumais

We’re a post-monogamy generation in more ways than one: Our fridges house anywhere from two to 16 varieties of “milk.” We select television programs from 11 competing streaming services. Come dinner time, we opt between hundreds of regional cuisines, all available to us within minutes. We’re spoiled for choice, so to speak, and that ethos extends to our romantic proclivities, as well — which is to say, we’re living in the era of the open relationship.

“Sexuality operates in a part of the brain closer to thirst and hunger. It’s primal. It’s not always logical,” says Dr. Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, human sexuality expert, and senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. “And open relationships allow for transparency and exploration around that urge without sacrificing your pair bond.”

Nevertheless, for a demographic largely brought up around “pair bonding” culture — blame reproductive instincts and social conditioning — non-monogamy is not an easy practice for many of us to adopt. “A great relationship takes more than attraction — it takes shared commitment and work. And all parties have to be willing to put in the effort,” says Sara C. Flowers, DrPH, vice president of education & training at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

It’s for this reason that, in spite of its more recent popularity, non-monogamy is still in its beta phase. So, in order to help alleviate some of the uncharted anxieties that accompany redefining the nature of your partnership, we’ve built out a primer to add to the ethical non-monogamy oeuvre. Ahead, we’ve consulted sexual health counselors, relationship psychologists, and folks in successful non-monogamous partnerships to help assemble a beginner’s guide to practicing non-monogamy — without sacrificing your romantic well-being in the process. Here’s where to start.

Broach the topic in a safe, comfortable space

Perhaps this goes without saying, but a prix fixe meal out on the town may not be the ideal setting for an initial conversation about the terms of your monogamy. It’s entirely possible that your partner may need space to think, to react, to emote. They may need to cry, to yell, to take a moment away from you in order to gather their thoughts. So be sure to choose a setting that’ll allow them the freedom to indulge that.

“Maybe you write your partner a really long email so they have time to chew it all over on their time before you discuss,” suggests Dr. Fisher. “Maybe you address the matter at home. If you have kids, maybe you make sure they’re off with a babysitter.” You know your partner. You know the ways they process, so make your arrangements accordingly. If this is going to work, it’s going to require a lot of difficult communication, so make sure you’re starting out on the right foot.

“If you’re bringing this up out of the blue, it’s also important to make sure your partner knows that you really care for them and that you’re not abandoning them,” Dr. Fisher adds. “This is not the first step out of the relationship, it’s a way of bolstering a partnership you still want to prioritize.” Simply put, you’re not asking to be single — you’re looking to test out modes of exploration that’ll (theoretically) help you continue to choose your primary partner every day.

Make sure both parties are properly on board

“In the long run, this is not going to work unless both people actually want to do it,” says Dr. Fisher. “So, the first thing you have to do once you’ve started the discussion is figure out whether your partner really wants to give this a shot, or whether they’re just trying to please you, because if they’re compromising for your sake, it’s going to fail.”

As she explains it, human beings are not animals that share well. Sure, we all tend to experience varying levels of jealousy — perhaps innately, perhaps based on previous relationship or family trauma — and given that human beings have been practicing forms of monogamy for reproductive sake for years, it’s inevitable that unlearning that mode of loving is hard. You have to respect that it won’t appeal to everyone, that it may even be offensive to some.

“Consent, in the context of non-monogamy, means being clear with your partner(s) about what you want, and where your boundaries are,” adds Dr. Flowers. “Consent should always be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific (FRIES). In practice, that means everyone involved must genuinely want to be in an open relationship. They should know exactly what they’re getting into, and they should understand that they can change their mind if things feel uncomfortable.” That said, people are not static. Part of upholding the contract of consent requires checking in with your partner frequently and re-establishing the baseline of your arrangement.

Outline the terms of your agreement

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to non-monogamy — which is to say, you’ll need to define all the terms of your particular agreement together. Are you interested in having romantic relationships with secondary partners or is the arrangement purely sexual? As a couple, do you want to tell your friends about the arrangement? Your children? Are folks in your immediate circle off limits? Are you allowed to bring new partners home? How much will you share with one another regarding your exploits?

“‘Rules’ is a big word, but there are definitely considerations we take for each other,” says Jackson*, 24, who has been in a non-monogamous relationship for nearly four years. “One major consideration is sharing the experiences we have outside of the relationship with each other. If there’s nothing hidden, the waters are less murky. And it can be fun and even erotic to share stories of our outside entanglements with one another.”

Of course, it’s likely that your terms will change as your experience unfolds in actuality, rather than in theory. Dr. Fisher even suggests outlining your agreement on paper, so you’re able to revisit your “contract” at will. “I’ve worked with clients who prefer swinging because you’re always engaging with secondary partners together,” says Dr. Fisher. “And for other people, it’s all about determining whose money you spend on dates, or which nights are off limits for secondary partners, or what spaces, beds, restaurants, cities are primary partner territory, only.”

No two non-monogamy agreements are exactly alike — and that’s why it’s important to give this stage the proper time to breathe. Go back and forth, consult friends about their experiences, read internet forums, watch documentaries, open your brain up to the absolutely limitless quantity of potential approaches to this breed of intimacy. “Folks will rarely tell you about the inordinate amount of time it takes to discuss all this — be prepared, come at it with endurance, leave no stone unturned,” adds Dr. Fisher.

Prioritize your sexual health

Unlike with being single, exploring your sexuality while maintaining a primary partnership means that one person’s actions can affect both parties’ sexual health. You’ll need to agree on your stances on contraceptives, birth control, regular STI tests, and plenty of other issues regarding your collective sexual well-being.

“Communication, empathy, and safer sex practices are important in any romantic relationship,” says Dr. Flowers. “All parties have to be willing to put in the effort. Have open and honest conversations about sex. Take care of your sexual health. Talk to your partner about how you’re going to protect each other against infections and unintended pregnancy. Get tested for STIs regularly.” Ensure that you and your partner have aligned on your policies re: condoms and other forms of birth control. Maintain standing appointments to get tested. Make sure you’re prioritizing one another’s health, even while exploring your sexuality.

Check in with one another regularly

“For us, the rules are always evolving. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for me in being non-monogamous,” says Rachel*, 31 who has been in an open relationship with her girlfriend for three years. “Knowing that what felt okay last week might not work this week, and having the confidence to advocate for yourself and being able to listen to what your partner needs are all things that have become huge aspects of our relationship.”

Given that the nature of the arrangement is new, it’s likely that you’ll have plenty of cause to revisit your agreement, and the ways it’s affecting you both as a couple and as individuals. After your initial discussion, Dr. Fisher recommends setting a date for regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly touch base or something far less frequent. That way, you’ll have designated time set aside to litigate without allowing the subject of non-monogamy to leak into all other spaces in your life

Remember, while indulging in forms of secondary partnership, it’s important to make sure you’re still nourishing your primary relationship with all the affection and attention it deserves. Be it a weekly date night, regular vacations, or regular home-cooked meals, factor in time for the two of you as a couple. “Non-monogamy requires so much talking: talking about how you’re feeling, talking about how they’re feeling, talking through past events, talking through hypothetical scenarios,” adds Rachel*. “It can feel like all you do is have hard relationship conversations. It’s important to have those, but make sure you’re also just shooting the shit and getting to enjoy each other.”

Give yourselves an exit strategy

In exploring the thresholds of non-monogamy with your partner, you do indeed run the risk of one or both of you determining that an open relationship simply isn’t working — or at the very least, isn’t serving the sanctity of the primary partnership. And according to Dr. Fisher, if you decide to end the arrangement, you need to decide as a couple. “You need to commit, together, to going back to a pair bond,” she says. “And that means also communicating with any other secondary partners in your life that you’re refocusing on your primary partner, and your outside relationships will need to come to a close.”

If you and your partner are on different pages about closing your relationship, it’s a hard topic to broach, so you’ll need to put some tools in place to make sure you both have the freedom to tap out, whether that’s a timeline on attempting non-monogamy before making a decision together, or a safe word, or a promise to consult an expert to help you facilitate the transition. Utilize resources like your local Planned Parenthood chapter to help navigate obstacles when you feel you’re out of your depth.

Moreover, for couples reinstating monogamy, Dr. Fisher advises steering away from language around “going back.” Partnership is about moving forward. Regression is not an option. Instead, you’ll want to set a precedent for new ways of nourishing your pair bond. “Novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain, and it can trigger feelings of romantic love or help sustain them,” she explains. “So be honest with your partner about things that make you feel complacent. Talk about ways of injecting your relationship with novelty that don’t include other partners. Continue to build a new partnership with this person you love.”

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the speaker

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I’m a Sex Coach in a Monogamish Relationship

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

By Quean Mo

Even if you know wholeheartedly that you want to be non-monogamous, actually engaging in that relationship structure can elicit a variety of complex emotions. At the same time that you feel desire, you might also feel fear and jealousy—and I’ve experienced this firsthand, as both a person in a monogamish relationship (a form of non-monogamy that allows for agreed-upon sex acts outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship) and a sex coach who works with clients looking to navigate the complexities of such relationships.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

  • What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
  • Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
  • What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
  • What role would each of us play?
  • What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

  1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
  2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
  3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

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