Tag: Masturbation

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COVID Gave Me Germaphobia.

Now I’m Reclaiming My Sexuality

By Arese Sylvester

I can’t remember a time I wasn’t interested in sex. As a child, I felt a sort of morbid curiosity towards it and I recognised it as the ‘ultimate sin’. The thing that would get me a ticket straight to hell. As time passed, my curiosity shifted. I was no longer scared, just intrigued and excited.

As a queer Nigerian woman, I know firsthand the level of defiance it takes to explore sexuality. Not only because of the misogyny I have to deal with but also because finding opportunities and people to explore with is an entire battle. I revelled in my defiance though and sex soon became one of my favourite things to do. Rough sex, slow sex, edging, bondage – I tried it all.

Then the pandemic happened and like so many others I had to adjust to a different reality that involved nosy and demanding family members. It wasn’t one I liked or wanted. It made me feel like life was being sucked out of my vagina. I didn’t think it was going to be so bad. Yes, I couldn’t be with any of my sexual partners but I had my fingers and I did a good job taking care of myself. But I soon realised that masturbating wasn’t going to be entirely possible.

I am a bit of a perfectionist with my orgasms. There were a couple of details that I needed to get right if I hoped to get one. The most important was noise; I cannot orgasm if I can hear people talking. But with a family of five quarantining together, it was impossible to find personal time. I didn’t realise when I went a month without an orgasm. It was so unlike me but I brushed it off because by then I had a bigger problem.

My mother had started going back into the office because we needed the money and every time she came home, she spent almost 30 minutes disinfecting. Her paranoia was contagious and I couldn’t help but mirror her anxiety. I was helping her to wipe down our doorknobs, restocking the hand sanitiser and pinching my brother’s ears every time he tried to play with the neighbour’s kid.

In between all this, I simply did not have the energy to touch myself. This was made worse by the fact that despite my family’s best efforts, we caught COVID. The entire experience was demoralising. We had tried to do everything right yet here I was, faced with the possibility that these could be the last moments I spent with my high-risk parents. I doubled my efforts at cleaning. My attitude towards hygiene became obsessive, unnecessary and draining.

COVID-19 led to a massive change in everyone’s lifestyle and our active avoidance of germs throughout the pandemic, though necessary, has undoubtedly left many of us feeling even more anxious about germs and contamination. Among those who are predisposed to anxiety, there’s been a recorded increase in obsessions and associated compulsions.

My libido, which had been very active before the pandemic, had disintegrated and I was desperate to have it back. I wanted to feel like I had some control over this bizarre situation so I forced myself to masturbate. My first orgasm in four months was toe-curling and I had a huge smile on my face as I came down from my high.

It felt good, really good, so my tears came as a surprise to me. Why was I crying? This was something I wanted, something I’d been praying for. But this terrible voice in my head kept asking if I’d washed my hands before I began. I knew I had but the thought had been planted and I struggled to uproot it. The shortness of breath came and in my panicked state I imagined my vagina rotting because I didn’t care enough not to get germs in her. I calmed down a few minutes later but the panic attack really scared me so I decided that I wouldn’t touch myself for a while. Of course that decision didn’t make me feel better.

“When we rely on avoidance to reduce our anxiety, we do not give ourselves a chance to learn that we can tolerate our anxiety. We also continue to believe that the things we are avoiding are unsafe in some way,” says Alissa Jerud, licensed clinical psychologist and host of the Anxiety Savvy Podcast. “Our habit of avoiding gets stronger each time we avoid. Over time, we may find ourselves avoiding more and more, thus fuelling our anxiety in the long run and causing our worlds to continue to shrink.”

It’s been a year since I made that decision not to touch myself and I’ve gone on to have numerous orgasms since then. They’ve all been self-inflicted and not nearly as satisfying. Things are still not the way they were and I doubt they ever will be. I haven’t had sex in approximately six months and I haven’t had good sex for even longer. The last time I tried, I bawled in my partner’s bathroom for an hour nonstop because: What if his penis was dirty? It was irrational, partly because we’d had a bath together, but it was enough to put me off sex. There’s nothing like a panic attack and a terrified man to kill your libido.

I’ve realised that I shouldn’t have an identity crisis because I couldn’t have sex for a while. Why did I feel like I needed to jump back into having sex right after lockdown eased? The obsession with ‘going back to normal’ wasn’t healthy and I needed to address that. I felt like a child again, taking baby steps and trying to relearn intimacy.

My hypersexuality told me that I needed to be the wild, sexual person I was before the pandemic. But I don’t have to be her anymore. I can be the girl who doesn’t remember how to kiss people or touch herself. The girl who’s trying to figure out if she still likes the stuff she used to like. I can have fun rediscovering myself – and I have been.

Sexual chemistry used to be (and still is) such an important part of my attraction to a person but I’ve realised that there are other forms of intimacy and I am focused on building those first. It was easy to forget that I exist outside of the virus and that all the decisions I make don’t need to revolve around it. As long as I’m being safe, I can kiss people without feeling like I’m betraying myself.

It’s impossible to tell how this will play out for me in the future but Alissa says that fear of germs has the potential to negatively impact the mental health and wellbeing of our society. “The avoidance that this fear pulls for could easily lead to an unravelling of the social connections that we are wired to create. The more we – as a society – allow these fears to shape our post-pandemic lives, the wider their ripples will be.”

It’s a little bit hard finding my groove and going back to having sex but I’m having fun while I relearn it. I’m not the same person I was pre-pandemic, and that’s fine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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People are “gobsmacked” at an advert that alludes to a woman masturbating

– but why?

By Catriona Harvey-Jenner

When a Body Shop advert for self-love hit screens this week, the response said a lot about the way society views women.

“Go and grab the most phallic object you can find!” yelled the Maid of Honour on my laptop screen. It was the first lockdown, I was on a virtual hen do, and we were indulging in some organised fun. The game required us to run around our houses, bringing back various items of hilarity as quickly as we could – points were awarded for both speed and comic effect. Naturally competitive, I sprinted towards what I was certain would be the winning object. Long, thick, and rounded at the top: my Le Creuset pepper grinder.

But as I proudly waved my ceramic kitchen apparatus in front of my webcam, my eyes landed on what one of the other hens had presented: a Rampant Rabbit. In an instant, I felt the warmth of colour flushing my cheeks. Not sure I’d have been that brave, I considered. But almost as quickly as the thought arrived, I pushed it away. Why shouldn’t she acknowledge the existence of a sex toy in a safe space; among a group of like-minded women? Or for that matter, in any domain she felt comfortable bringing it up?

Because here’s the thing: society would have it that women’s sexuality is not to be discussed in a public forum. Men, on the other hand? No problem. It’s a double standard that has only been further reinforced following the reaction to the release of The Body Shop’s new ‘Self Love’ advert. Broadcast for the first time this week during a Love Island commercial break, it quite clearly alludes to a woman about to masturbate.

The 30-second ad introduces viewers to three housemates: Fran, Leila and Olivia. It follows them as they encounter various different insecurities triggered by the demands of modern day life; being trolled online, having low self-esteem, struggling to find anyone decent on a dating app. Then, it shows the different ways in which they overcome these low moments – by making themselves feel good with acts of self-love. For one of the women in the advert, that act is self-pleasure, and we see her close the curtains before reaching down into her underwear.

Sure, it’s perhaps not something you’d expect to see just before the 6 o’clock news (and it’s not broadcast at that time for exactly that reason). But it equally didn’t warrant the shock reaction from some viewers that it received. The words “gobsmacked” and “weird” were thrown around Twitter in response, with one person even describing it as “obscene.” But doesn’t it say more about our own stigma around women’s sexuality than anything else, if we can’t abide the thought of a woman exploring her own body for pleasure? No explicit or graphic scenes were shown, yet it was still described as “risky” and “sick” by commentators on social media.

We’re not used to hearing women talk openly about orgasms. Perhaps it’s rooted in the fact that, in centuries gone by, masturbation was deemed a moral sin by various different religions. But shame and resulting silence on the topic has continued to feed the cycle into our modern world, meaning other women don’t feel able to volunteer information about their own sexual experiences either. Conversely, it wouldn’t be unusual to hear a man down the pub describe in great, light-hearted detail, the story of his first wank.

“For decades we’ve seen and accepted men as the more sexual of the gender,” says therapist and principle researcher at sex therapy app Blueheart, Dr Laura Vowels. “There’s this ongoing narrative in society that men are constantly in the mood for sex and that generally, they have a higher sexual appetite than women. Whereas women who watch porn have often been criticised and labelled as ‘anti-feminists’ as well as being called a whole host of other misogynistic names.”

“More women in the UK own a vibrator than a dishwasher”

“The issue here is that these outdated beliefs that men are more sexual and women should be ‘virginal’ and ‘pure’ are so ingrained in society that it will take a long time to shift them,” Dr Vowels explains.

The fact is, women masturbate. There are more women in the UK who own a vibrator than a dishwasher, and what’s more, it’s good for you. It’s been recommended as a way for people to familiarise themselves with their body and their own sexual responses, and it’s also used as a treatment for premature ejaculation and orgasmic disorders in women.

So if it’s happening, and if doing it is only going to provide greater good, then what’s the issue with talking about it? Especially when maintaining a veil of silence over the issue may be doing active harm. “Maintaining female sexuality as a taboo topic continues to feed into patriarchal perspectives that female pleasure isn’t important,” says Dr Vowels. “It’s time to level the playing field and grant women the opportunity to empower themselves and their sexuality.”

What we don’t see, we don’t always feel comfortable with – but that doesn’t mean we should all stay in our sheltered boxes forever. Just like Bodyform in 2017, who showed period blood on screen for the first time ever, adverts like this from The Body Shop take strides in normalising something that simply shouldn’t be taboo. They start conversations, and conversations lead to progression. So let’s keep progressing.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Practice ‘Sexual Framing’ To Get in the Mood Using Just Your Mind

By Erica Sloan

Having an orgasm is inherently physical in nature, but the mind also plays a profound role in the event. In fact, there’s an entire facet of the experience that happens within a region of the brain called the genital sensory cortex (aka brain crotch), which you can activate with focused mindfulness. Way before you reach orgasm, though, your mental state plays a critical role in the lead-up to sex that involves getting turned on. To zero in on that arousal-boosting mindset, you might consider tapping the psychological concept of framing.

“Framing is all about context or how something is portrayed or presented,” says neuroscientist and sex therapist Nan Wise, PhD.  Typically, this concept is applied to gambling and the frames of mind that make us more or less likely to be risk-averse or risk-cautious. The probability and even the outcome of a situation could be the same in multiple frames, but depending on the way your brain perceives the situation at its onset—that is, the particular frame that’s used—you could act differently.

When applied to a sexual scenario, framing can set you up for arousal by shifting your mind toward a positive outcome to follow. To practice it, though, you’ll need to first address your current frame of mind (whether that’s stressed-out, anxious, or perfectly calm), as well as how you frame sexuality on the whole.

“We’re all conditioned to view our sexuality in different ways based on the set of sexual experiences we’ve had, as well as the cultural, religious, and media messaging around sex,” says Dr. Wise. “So, your first step is to recognize how exactly you’ve internalized all of that in terms of your sexual approach.” Next, shift your mindset into a conducive-for-sex zone, with the help Dr. Wise’s top brain-focused tips, outlined below.

4 ways to use positive sexual framing for arousal, according to a neuroscientist:

1. Visualize sex as an embodied experience.

Think about sex as utterly sensational—in the most literal sense, as satisfying and enjoyable sensations within your body. “We’re so relational in the world, thinking about how we appear to others and how we can take care of other people,” says Dr. Wise. “But in terms of sex, it’s helpful to view it from the outside in.”

To do that, tune into your body before you dive into any kind of sexual act, and do a quick scan. Ask yourself: What’s happening in my body right now? What feels good and what doesn’t? This type of check-in can allow you to be more physically present in the space—and in turn, help you tune into the physicality of a sexual partner, too (if you’re participating in partnered play, that is).

2. Listen to audio erotica.

While visual porn can certainly move you into a sexual mindset, audio erotica is likewise able to facilitate this, but without shifting you out of your own physical space. Essentially, without viewing other people performing sex acts in distant settings, you may be better able to stay focused on your own body and presence. But at the same time, the sex-based language of audio erotica can create an arousing, sex-positive springboard from which your mind can naturally jump to sexual fantasies of your own.

3. Practice body-focused affirmations.

The words we say to ourselves are powerful when it comes to sexual framing, and centering those words on the bodily experience of sex—as opposed to results, outcomes, or the potential perceptions of others—can help return your mind to the physical sensations at hand.

For example, if you’re engaging in foreplay, recognize and identify what you’re feeling and what you enjoy, making a mental (or, heck, verbal) statement of it. Some examples include: “I love how I feel strong or flexible,” or “I like how this part of my body feels,” or “I love what my body can do for me.”

4. Use language that mirrors your—or your partner’s—‘erotic footprint.’

There are tons of different ways to get turned on, and some will resonate more for you than others. If you consider the general pattern or trend of actions that turn you on—what Dr. Wise calls your “erotic footprint”—you can more easily access language that’ll be effective for sexual framing. And this applies to a partner, as well, if you’re aiming to gently shift their frame of mind toward sex, too.

“Speaking a partner’s language can help you both get aroused,” says Dr. Wise. “For example, if they appreciate sentimentality and soulfulness, you could say, ‘I love to gaze into your eyes,’ or if they’re excited by adventure, maybe it’s something like, ‘What are your fantasies? I want to explore those with you.’” What’s more, these statements can help you feel more intimately connected to a partner from the jump—which is a sexual frame of mind, in and of itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can masturbating impact the immune system?

There are claims that masturbation can influence the strength of the immune system, but does any scientific evidence support this? Medical News Today considers the science behind this claim and speaks to experts to find out more.

Can masturbating influence the immune system, and if so, for how long? We investigate.

by Maria Cohut, Ph.D.

Masturbation is a normal, healthy activity — yet myths about it still abound. That is partly because this activity is, even today, highly stigmatized in many societies around the world, perhaps because it can be pursued outside of heteronormative, monogamous relationships.

Meanwhile, studies suggest that the pleasure of masturbation can bring various health benefits, including stress relief, improvements in mood, and pain relief, including the relief of menstrual cramps.

There is also some anecdotal evidence that links masturbation with either increased or decreased immunity. What does the research say about this, and is there enough evidence one way or the other? We investigate.

The studies that look at the potential impact of masturbation on the immune system are few and far between. Moreover, they are affected by the gender data gap, so there is almost no information about the alleged effect as far as female bodies are concerned.

One study from 2004 — published in the journal NeuroimmunomodulationTrusted Source — asked 11 male volunteers to masturbate until orgasm. The researchers drew blood from these participants as they were masturbating, as well as during a control set-up, when no sexual activity was involved.

They then measured the presence of various markers of immune system activity in the blood — leukocytes, lymphocytes, lipopolysaccharide-induced interleukin 6, and tumor necrosis factor alpha — during control conditions, as well as before orgasm, and at 5 and 45 minutes after the volunteers achieved orgasm through masturbation.

The study found that masturbation temporarily increased the activity of some components of the immune system, namely leukocytes, and in particular natural killer cells, which fight cancer tumor cells and cells infected by viruses.

Throughout the years, many media outlets have cited this study to support the idea that masturbation could help improve the immune response — yet health experts warn that the findings should be taken with more than a pinch of salt.

“First, a sample of 11 individuals is not good enough” to prove that masturbation benefits immune function, Dr. Jagdish Khubchandani, a professor of public health at New Mexico State University, told Medical News Today.

“Second, there are no repeat trials on these individuals,” he cautioned.

“Third, they are healthy volunteers, which could cause bias and [a] lack of generalizability — e.g., to different age groups and people with disease histories. Fourth, it is not easy to [determine] if masturbation causes [a] spike in immunoprotective molecules or [if this is due to] the accompanying reduction in stress.”
– Dr. Jagdish Khubchandani

“Finally,” Dr. Khubchandani emphasized, “the bigger concern is about the transient rise in immune markers that could not guarantee long-term immunity enhancement or protection from diseases.”

While the authors of the initial study conducted a “follow-up,” this research did not include the original participants, nor did it focus on masturbation, specifically. The new study, published in European UrologyTrusted Source in 2016, included self-reported data from 31,925 male participants who answered questionnaires about ejaculation frequency over a period of 18 years.

The research aimed to confirm whether there was a correlation between the frequency of ejaculation and the risk of prostate cancer. It did, indeed, find a “beneficial association” between more frequent ejaculation and a lower risk of prostate cancer.

However, as the study authors acknowledged, there were limitations, including the fact that self-reported data can be inaccurate and incomplete and that “The literature exploring the role of sexual activity in the etiology of [prostate cancer] is inconsistent.”

If research into the effects of masturbation on the immunity of male bodies is limited and inconsistent, research into these possible effects on female bodies is even more lacking.

Only one study, published in The Journal of Sexual MedicineTrusted Sourcein 2014, appears to have looked at whether and how sexual activity, including masturbation, in females might influence their immune response.

This research analyzed data from two cohorts that included both male and female participants. It specifically focused on the link between parameters of depression and sexual activity, and how their interaction might influence immunity.

The study concluded that in female participants with high levels of depression, partnered sexual activity resulted in lower markers of immunity. However, the frequency of masturbation was not associated with immunity markers.

Many questions remain unanswered, including those about the potential relationship between depression, various forms of sexual activity, and immunity in females.

According to the limited data provided by the studies on male masturbation, the act of self-pleasuring appears to boost immune cell activity.

Dr. Jerry Bailey, who specializes in men’s health and holistic health practices, explained to MNT that “The increase in arousal state and release of hormones during and after orgasm boosts immune cells and hormones.”

“This effect,” he claimed, “can last up to 24 hours post-orgasm. However, the greatest of benefits are within 60 minutes of orgasm.”

Are any of these possible benefits enough to help prevent viral infections? Health experts emphasize that, as appealing as the idea might be, masturbation does not have a strong enough influence on the immune system to help it keep pathogens at bay.

“Masturbation is not for long-term or sustained immunity development,” Dr. Khubchandani stressed.

He did, however, acknowledge that masturbating can bring some other benefits, such as “help[ing] with good sleep, stress relief, [and] mood elevation.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Death Grip

—And What Can You Do About It?

By Gigi Engle

If you haven’t heard of “death grip” among people who masturbate, you’re probably not alone. While many people (especially those with penises) have experienced this common phenomenon, not many have the language to explain the behavior and side effects.

Hence why I, a certified sex educator, am here to fill in the knowledge gaps the vast majority of people currently have. (Thanks for nothing, Random Gym Teacher who taught us how to put a condom on a banana and traumatized us with pictures of genital warts.)

Why We Call It “Death Grip”

Firstly, it’s important to say that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is a healthy expression of human sexuality that should be celebrated as normal and OK. Opening the door for a discussion of death grip does not mean we’re suddenly anti-masturbation.

The term “death grip” was originally coined in 2003 by the legendary sex columnist Dan Savage. (Savage was also the first person to use the word “pegging”—that’s when a cisgender man is anally penetrated by someone wearing a strap-on or dildo.) Death grip is not an official medical diagnosis; it’s just a common term for a recognized phenomenon, and it has many causes that need to be identified for the greater good.

Accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves tells TheBody that death grip happens when “men [or people with penises] are masturbating with a strong grip and become used to feeling sensation and pleasure with that kind of hard friction only.”

The (very dramatic) “death” bit comes from the indirect effects of such a tight grip: You become so used to the feeling of your hand holding your penis in a strong, tight way (usually without lube, let’s be real) that your penis has trouble responding to other forms of sexual stimulation.

Now, don’t get too worked up about the scary name and description. Death grip is a very common occurrence—and there are ways around it.

If you’ve experienced (or are currently experiencing) issues with staying hard or ejaculating during partnered sex because of death grip, there are ways to adjust your behavior, re-learn how to feel different sensations, and move on. No amount of furious hand-sex will cause permanent damage.

Why Does Death Grip Happen?

When you constantly, persistently masturbate with your hand, the body starts to become habituated to this routine. Death grip is basically all about consistent, intense stimulation.

This is not limited to one’s hands. If you’re someone who furiously humps mattresses, pillows, or other rough surfaces as your sole form of masturbation, you may also fall into a death grip pattern.

According to Neves, when your body is hella used to getting off from a tight AF grip, you can start to experience “erection problems due to not feeling enough sensation or pleasure with a partner, because the grip of the mouth or vagina is not as strong, or has gentler friction.” This goes for buttholes as well.

Does this sound like you? Because to me, it sure sounds like it applies to the zillions of penis owners around the world who haven’t had comprehensive sex education. I reckon that it is happening all over Planet Earth right now, as you’re reading this. And research shows that those who get a lot of pleasure from masturbation will continue the behavior as habits become deeply ingrained.

So, if you are someone who is experiencing sexual concerns due to death grip, what can you do?

Death Grip Treatment: Technique and Mindfulness Are Hugely Important

Masturbation is not addictive, but it can become a problem in certain contexts. If you’re masturbating intensely, in a certain way, over and over again for your whole life, your sexual patterns can become habituated. Your body is not broken or “addicted” to masturbation; it just doesn’t know how to respond sexually to anything else.

Ty David Lerman, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, talked to TheBody about the use of systematic desensitization to address this. You “gradually wean off the specific behavior and introduce new ways of being stimulated; because the type of specific masturbation varies widely, the way to desensitize would also vary,” he explains. “To get the most tailored approach, seeking out a sex therapist is highly recommended.”

If you’re not ready for professional intervention, you can also try some at-home techniques to make progress on your own. This is where technique and mindfulness come into play.

Kenneth Play, a sex hacker and international sex expert, tells TheBody that there is a twofold solution available:

  1. Changing up your masturbation routine.
  2. Introducing mindfulness into your practice.

“This might involve taking a break from porn and fantasizing to just focus on the sensations in your body,” he says. “To truly get in touch with the body, sometimes we need to give the mind a break from the intense stimulation we are used to giving it as well, and use that time to really pay attention and zone in, rather than zoning out in front of a screen.”

The Bigger Picture: Death Grip and How Our Society Treats Masturbation

The bigger social issue with death grip is that it is psychologically dangerous for lots of young penis-owning (and clit-owning) people out there who will walk into the world of real sex and wonder why their penis or clitoris isn’t responding the way they want it to.

This can have all kinds of effects on sexual self-esteem, leading to a possible reduction in social-sexual experiences and more masturbation. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you in the throes of death grip, without solutions.

And this is why education is so crucial.

While technique and mindfulness will always be important in order to fully experience one’s entire pleasure potential—we are creatures who enjoy variety, after all—so many of the issues caused by death grip could be avoided if we just gave young people access to comprehensive sex education.

As we’ve previously covered on TheBody, comprehensive sex education is so important to our overall well-being that it has the potential to aid in trauma reduction when we’re adults. “Human sexuality is as varied as there are humans,” Lerman says. “Everyone is different on many levels.”

If we universally accepted that masturbation was normal, healthy, and OK; if we educated kids about what porn actually is (and isn’t) instead of allowing it to be their default sex education; if we opened up a door for curious young people to ask questions about sex in a safe and open way—well, there’s no way to measure the positive effects all of this would have on society as a whole.

Masturbation is not bad. You are not bad. Our educational systems are flawed, and we all deserve better. And don’t worry: With some work and perseverance, you can leave death grip behind, and your sex life will flourish. Hang in there, buckaroo.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About the Orgasm Gap

by Hannah Resnick

Have you ever heard of the orgasm gap? Even if you are familiar with the term, you might not discuss it with your friends or even your partner, but it may still be present in your own sex life — especially if your sexual partners are male. The orgasm gap, also called the pleasure gap, is defined by Psychology Today as “the fact that in heterosexual sexual encounters, men have more orgasms than women.” Though often blamed on an alleged “biological difference,” it’s clear the orgasm gap is a product of our cultural views which prioritize male pleasure over female pleasure. Studies have also shown that women have more orgasms masturbating than with partners, and lesbian women have significantly more orgasms than straight women. This solidifies the fact that there is a huge problem with the way society sees men versus women and not with women’s bodies.

The issue with the orgasm gap is pretty clear: male-attracted women deserve to enjoy sex and orgasm as much as our male partners. But discussing the orgasm gap with a partner can be uncomfortable and even invalidating, especially for those who aren’t used to prioritizing their own pleasure. POPSUGAR spoke to Todd Baratz, a certified sex therapist and licensed mental health counselor, who shared some insight into how exactly we can close the orgasm gaps in relationships — starting with the relationships we have with ourselves.

1. Learn How History, Culture, and Politics Have Fueled Your Understanding of Sexual Pleasure

“Anxiety about prioritizing your pleasure is part of the orgasm gap,” Baratz told POPSUGAR. It reflects shame connected to “what it means to prioritize your pleasure and want more sexually.” Our outdated gender roles play a heavy part in this, as Baratz shared that cisgender women are socialized to believe that their pleasure isn’t as important as their cis male counterparts. “It’s easy to default to the values implied in the orgasm gap,” he said. “So the first thing you want to focus on is understanding yourself, your sexuality, and how politics, history, and culture have shaped it. Then you want to share what you learned about yourself with your partner.”

To really dig into this, reexamine gender and social constructs that you may have been taught growing up — i.e. how you were expected to act in a certain situation; morals you were expected to uphold; things that were thrust upon you by society, pop culture, and politics — and really ask yourself what you want. Breaking free from things you were taught from an early age can be extremely difficult, especially when there can be a lot of shame and guilt associated with sex and owning your sexuality, but taking a step back to reevaluate it is key in understanding your sexual needs.

2. Masturbate

Baratz explained that while there isn’t an order to whether you should talk to your partner or focus on learning what you like first, “it never hurts to know yourself first.” So if you don’t already masturbate, Baratz advises you to start! (If you haven’t masturbated a lot in the past and feel intimidated, check out our best tips for getting the job done.) Plus, if you do choose to focus on yourself first before bringing the issue to your partner, you can also immediately bring up specific things you like in order to enhance and prioritize your pleasure going forward.

“Talking about sex — no matter what the issue — is important if you want to experience arousal, pleasure, and an orgasm. Period,” Baratz said. “Start talking about sex right from the beginning of your relationship. And if you haven’t — start now! It’s never too late.” Making this a habit will ensure you and your partner are both on the same page and getting what you want.

4. Push Through the Discomfort of Discussing Your Pleasure

Number three is much easier said than done, right? It’s normal to feel weird about talking about pleasure with your partner if you’ve never done it before! How do you even bring it up? What do you say? “You [might] feel anxious or uncomfortable if you’ve never talked about sex or your pleasure openly,” Baratz explained. “Push through it — obviously only if you feel safe to do so. But it does require action, verbal communication, and some level of risk.” Only you can voice your needs.

5. Let Go of Myths About How You Should Orgasm

“You don’t have to come at the same time as your partner,” Baratz told POPSUGAR. “You can [also] use your own hands — your partner doesn’t need to be the one to get you off. Focus on bringing the exact same movements, rhythms, and types of touch that you employ during masturbation to partnered sex.” Basically, forget about those perfectly rehearsed movie sex scenes where the couple orgasms at the exact same time. That’s now how things are in real life, so experiment, explore, and learn what works for you.

Getting to know your body and having ongoing communication with your partner(s) is the ultimate way to close the pleasure gap. “You can work on teaching your partner and yourself all at once, but it has to start somewhere,” Baratz said, adding that, above all, the most important aspect in all of this is to “make sure you are with a partner who is safe and caring.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 benefits of masturbation

— why masturbating is good for you

Is masturbating good for you? A sex therapist explains 9 reasons to give yourself an orgasm in the name of self-care.

by Mia Sabat

Masturbation and self-exploration are natural components of human nature. Not only is masturbating pleasurable, but it helps us look after our minds and bodies while better understanding our sexuality. In addition to helping you get to know yourself better, it can also help improve your sexual relationships overall, by giving you the power to articulate exactly what you want when with a partner.

We spoke to sex therapist Mia Sabat at Emjoy, the sexual wellbeing audio app for women, about the health benefits of masturbation.

Is masturbation good for you?

Consider masturbation self-care – it’s a term that implies attending to your personal needs, and attending to your body without feeling guilt or remorse. Why shouldn’t masturbation fall into this self-care category? Masturbation is enjoyable, it enables people to take care of themselves in ways many other self-care rituals don’t, and it brings a wide range of positive side effects and health benefits that can improve people’s daily lives. Plus, it’s free! If you want to masturbate, and are curious to discover more about you and your sexuality, then masturbation can only be beneficial to your mind and body.

Am I masturbating too much?

Masturbating as often as we want is not a problem, unless it ends up being an obsession. If the need to masturbate is constant and we stop doing our usual daily activities to do it or if we can’t control it and end up practicing it in inappropriate places, then there is a problem.

Additionally, if we still do it, despite having irritated or broken skin in the genital region, we should consider seeking support.

Masturbating as often as we want is not a problem, unless it ends up being an obsession.

Many times an addiction can occur because, by masturbating, we release complex chemicals, the most important of which is dopamine. Dopamine is associated with a strong feeling of well-being and it is this feeling that often causes people to become addicted to masturbation. If you fear that you are in this situation, you should visit a sex therapist or your GP.

Health benefits of masturbation

Masturbation releases endorphins

Masturbation offers a wealth of both mental and physical health benefits. One of the best benefits of masturbation is that it comes with the release of endorphins, which are hormones that promote wellbeing and boost your mood.

Masturbation helps to relieve stress and reduce pain

Masturbation further helps your body to combat stress and even reduce, if not relieve, pain. With women, for example, the contractions and endorphins released during the climax can help reduce menstrual pain, with some studies even finding that orgasms effectively reduce migraines and headaches – talk about a natural pain reliever!

female orgasm

Masturbation boosts your immune system

In addition, more and more studies and research are concluding that masturbation and sexual stimulation benefit your overall health: alongside stress reduction, masturbating improves the immune system, helps to exercise the pelvic floor, and helps to improve sleep.

Masturbation helps us connect with ourselves

One of the most important, and often overlooked benefits of masturbation, is that self-pleasure allows us to connect with ourselves. Masturbation gives people the opportunity to understand their bodies, their reactions, and their sexuality, so they can try out new habits and ways to touch themselves when alone. This is crucial because when individuals get to know their bodies better, they are better able to communicate their needs and preferences, which allows them to engage in a more fulfilling sexual experience, both with their partners, and with themselves.

Masturbation gives you a greater understanding of your wants and needs

Masturbation helps us better understand our sexual wants and needs. The more we listen to our body, the more we will appreciate it, boosting our self-esteem and increasing our feelings of desire.

Masturbation increases libido

Both sex and arousal are born in the brain. The more we experience pleasure, the more we want, because we think more about it. When we haven’t had sex for a while, most of the time we don’t even think about it. One of the biggest queries and concerns is the loss of desire or not reaching orgasm: well, without any doubt, masturbation is one of the keys to changing this. But remember: the important thing is to connect with ourselves.

Masturbation can strengthen your anatomy

Masturbation and pleasure should be enjoyed. It should not be an obligation or feel stressful. In addition to the many mental health benefits, masturbation also helps to maintain the elasticity of the vulva and the vagina’s muscles and tissues.

Masturbation improves body confidence

Learning to appreciate and understand the beauty of our bodies is a very powerful thing. Realising that we can make ourselves feel good can help us accept, appreciate and love the amazing body that we have been given, consequently helping us to be kinder to ourselves.

oral sex and stis sexually transmitted diseases

Masturbation can boost our happiness and overall wellbeing

The more you enjoy masturbation, the more you want to do it. This happens because the brain’s reward centre is activated by pleasure and causes us to release hormones that make us feel happy, like serotonin or endorphins, for example. Many people mistakenly think that masturbation is a substitute for sex and it is not. Masturbation is a necessary and rewarding sexual practice, for those that choose to find happiness in that way.

Can masturbation cause a decrease in sexual sensitivity?

Definitely not. It is easy to understand if we take a parallel example: when we are in a jacuzzi, the jets of water put pressure on our skin. We may be numb for a little while after, but that does not make us lose sensitivity in that area forever. Exactly the same thing happens when you masturbate, either with your hands or using a toy.

What can occur is that we create an easy routine to climax and get used to it, as a habit, and then when we want to change the way we experience our pleasure, it can be difficult for our bodies and we get a bit nervous. But it is not because of the loss of sensitivity. The idea of ​​losing sensitivity is a myth, and it is very important that this myth is dispelled.

masturbation health benefits

Can masturbation help ease anxiety during lockdown?

The answer is very personal. Each of us manages our emotions very differently, and the same thing happens with our sexuality. During this period of lockdown, three scenarios are happening: people have completely lost interest in sex, people have an increased interest in sex, some have felt no difference. And I would add that this can fluctuate. We must understand that this situation is new, we don’t know how to behave and that there is not a personal care guide to what we are experiencing.

Three scenarios are happening: people have completely lost interest in sex, people have an increased interest in sex, some have felt no difference.

For this reason, although I do believe that this period of lockdown presents a great opportunity for use to be attentive to our bodies, we must also understand that there may be fluctuations and that not everyone is experiencing the same thing. If you feel like masturbating at the moment, now is as good a time as any. It can lower our anxiety levels, and allow us to sleep better, but only if our bodies and minds feel open to the experience. Never force it. If you are able to reach climax, though, an orgasm can help to dissipate emotional and physical tension, helping you to feel more at ease.

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Mutual masturbation can bring you closer to your partner, even over FaceTime

May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.

By Anna Iovine

While hot vaxxed summer is rapidly approaching, that doesn’t mean everyone will suddenly drop their virtual connections for IRL experiences. More than half of Hinge users, for example, said they are still likely to go on video dates even when it’s safe to meet in-person.

It’s easier than ever to explore your sexuality online, whether it’s a virtual threeway or mutual masturbation over FaceTime or other video. If you’re wondering why one might want to jerk off on cam while someone else is not only watching but also jerking off on cam, read on.

Benefits of (virtual) mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation has a number of potential benefits no matter if it’s done in the same physical space or over video, said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire.

If one or both partners aren’t in the mood for intercourse but still want to be sexual together, for example, mutual masturbation is a way to do that.

As Mashable’s Rachel Thompson noted in 2018, mutual masturbation can help close the “orgasm gap” heterosexual women experience by showing their partner what they like.

Lehmiller agreed. “Mutual masturbation can also be a helpful teaching tool for showing your partner what you like and/or the kind of stimulation that helps you to reach orgasm,” he said. “In other words, it can be a sexy ‘show-and-tell’ of sorts and a potentially helpful form of sexual communication.”

“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist,” said Taylor Sparks, adult travel curator and founder of online sex toy retailer and subscription service OrganicLoven. You have the opportunity to watch someone you want to have sex with — or have already — pleasure themselves.

“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist.”

“They’re the master of their body,” said Sparks of your partner. “So if there’s anything you want to pick up how to do, they’re about to show you.”

What’s more is that mutual masturbation can be a novelty if you and your partner have never partaken. If you are looking to “expand your sexual menu,” as Lehmiller put it, this act is an easy one to add.

How to bring up mutual masturbation with your partner

Sparks emphasizes the importance of sexual compatibility when approaching a partner about potentially masturbating over video together. Are they uncomfortable discussing their sexual experiences and desires? Would broaching the topic of phone or video sex make them clutch their pearls? If the answers is yes, they may not be down for this activity — and that’s okay. Everyone has different preferences, and perhaps over time they’ll grow more comfortable discussing and exploring sex.

If they’re already comfortable, though, that opens the door to this discussion. Think of sharing your desire for this as talking about any other sexual fantasy, Lehmiller said. Pick the right time and place, like when you’re both aroused. Validate your partner and let them know how attractive you think they are. Then introduce the idea by saying something like, “I think it could be really hot if we try this new thing together.”

“The goal is to start a conversation about it,” Lehmiller said. “See how your partner feels and if they have any concerns.”

Mutual masturbation can bring you closer to your partner, even over FaceTime

You and your partner’s consent, safety, and comfort are the top priorities. If your partner is self-conscious about being watched or has privacy concerns, for example, discuss it. Maybe this activity just isn’t for you, or maybe there are ways these concerns can be addressed. An example Lehmiller gave is establishing that no video will be recorded without mutual consent; another is that for the first time, one partner will masturbate while the other watches.

Pacing is important when it comes to sex, said sex expert and educator Kenneth Play. It’s like a dance: You can go too fast or too slow and it won’t feel right. If you want to do this with someone you’ve just been speaking to online, jumping from chats to asking them if they want to masturbate over Zoom may be too fast (for most folks, anyway), for example.

Play suggests starting with text-based flirting and progressing onto sexy photos and videos. If your dirty talking muscle has atrophied over the pandemic or you just want some guidance, Play suggests reading up on it. The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty by Ruth Neustifter is one option.

Nudes and videos can progress into playing with your cameras on, Play continued. To get in the mood, you can watch cam shows together and see what turns you on.

“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits,” said Lehmiller. And if your partner isn’t into this idea at all, it’s okay. Don’t try to persuade or push them. Rather, suggest alternate ways of exploring intimacy and encourage your partner to share any ideas they have, too.

“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits.”

Have a discussion in advance, advised Lehmiller. Set boundaries, even establish a safe word depending on what type of play you’re doing. Discuss what you’re looking to get out of the experience together. This can help both of you feel relaxed.

One partner can lead the experience, said Play, and that can actually make the experience easier. That partner can tell the other what to do or lead by doing; everyone knows their role. “Setting a framework [for the session] in more of a gamification way is easier,” Play said, “and getting comfortable telling people what you want the other partner to do for you is a good way to practice sexual communication.”

How to create the perfect video set up for mutual masturbation

There are enough dick pic rating sites out there to know that angles are important not just for your face, but elsewhere on your body too. Sparks’ favorite setup is on the bed. If you sit up on the bed and put your laptop “right there” so to speak, you should have a straight shot. You can stack pillows under yourself to give an angle from below, and if your bed is flush against a wall you can lean against it. Sparks finds that the most comfortable.

If you’re using your phone and don’t have a tripod, you can lean your phone against a pile of books. Or, if you want a more “in your face” from below angle, you can go onto your knees and place your phone (or other camera) below you.

Ultimately, it’s not about seeing your genitals…well, not all about seeing your genitals. As Play noted, it’s extremely easy to fill that void with a few clicks onto a porn site. What virtual play is about is eroticism — setting the scene, being in the mood — and intimacy, even if it’s digital.

There’s a reason why OnlyFans and other platforms have blown up over the past few years; people crave that closeness and engagement, Play said. The same is true for some cam performers. But cam shows don’t have to just turn you on. They can be a force of inspiration, he mentioned, in terms of setting up camera angles and how you want to format a shot.

As for lighting, Play recommends red. “Red light is really good on camera,” he said. “Even if your room is messy…it does really work on skin color.” For audio — which Play finds really important, and considering the rise of audio erotica, many agree with him — wireless earbuds can be better than a stationary microphone so when you move around, your mic moves with you.

You can also wear a layer of clothing that you’ll eventually take off so you get progressively more nude.

Don’t hesitate to bring in sex toys, either. Many Bluetooth-enabled options can be controlled from afar — but they’re not perfect, as Mashable’s Jess Joho discovered when testing out “smart” sex toys. If you have the funds to spring for it, Play enjoys the rideable cowgirl machine.

Again, consent and safety are key. While you’re on camera together, Sparks advises to check in on the other person’s body language. Notice their facial expressions and if their body seems stiff. These are essential clues to seeing if someone really wants to be showing themselves on camera. If your partner looks even slightly uncomfortable, stop what you’re doing and talk it out.

Mutual masturbation can enhance your sexual experience and even your relationship with your partner — even if it’s done virtually. Don’t let screens get in the way of your good time. (Though do definitely clean them up afterwards.)

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Masturbating Can Help You Cope With Anxiety

— Seriously

By Jessica Zucker

Rita M., a 20-year-old social work student living in Seattle, Washington, used to masturbate three to five times a week. But as with everything else, during a global pandemic, self-pleasure has been hard to come by. She’s not alone in finding it more difficult to engage in this form of self-care. And yet, the benefits of masturbation may actually come in more handy than ever. Tending to ourselves is one step in navigating a new normal.

“It has been more difficult to be ‘in the mood’ because, in my head, I ask myself, ‘Why is masturbation something I’m thinking about when there’s a pandemic happening in my backyard?” Rita tells InStyle. Witnessing enormous struggles and injustices by vulnerable populations dominates my mind. Masturbation gets brushed aside and distress consumes me.”

There’s no doubt that coronavirus and it’s ripple-out effects — the obvious fear and worry, the restricted human interaction — have had negative impacts on people’s mental health. Back in March, 45% of Americans reported the virus had taken a toll on their emotional wellbeing, and according to a Kaiser Family Foundation poll, the number of people who are experiencing anxiety and depression has spiked as a result of the pandemic.

More than ever, it’s vital that we try to prioritize taking good care of ourselves as best we can — a call to action that, while necessary, can be difficult to heed. The irony, of course, is that pleasuring oneself is a form of self-care that could help.

“In the midst of a collective trauma response, all of our nervous systems are on high alert for danger,” Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College of Cornell University specializing in sex and relationships, tells InStyle. “The good news is that masturbation can act as a reset button. It tells your brain that things are OK, that you can breathe and relax. And from a more relaxed state, energy can again be expansive and you can have access to the best parts of you to make decisions and be more creative.”

“This is why pleasure practices, including masturbation, are non-negotiable, especially in times like this,” Fleming continues. “It may seem counterintuitive to prioritize pleasure right now, but it’s highly beneficial. However paradoxical it may seem, refueling your own tank and engaging in activities that prioritize your pleasure can make for meaningful differences for you and those you’re quarantined with.”

And for those who are living alone, masturbation can double as a way of combating feelings of loneliness and isolation. At a time when being intimate with someone who does not live with us is not an option, masturbation can be the only safe way to feel sexually connected to ourselves and others. As stated in the New York City Health Department’s advisory for safe sex during the coronavirus, “you are your safest sex partner.”

“An upside to physical isolation is that it has emboldened me to engage in virtual mutual masturbation, something I had not done in person or over video before,” Jennifer A., a 23-year-old living in Halifax, Nova Scotia, tells InStyle. “Having connected with my partner only shortly before we all began socially isolating, the pandemic is pushing me to be vulnerable and cultivate trust by sharing my experience of pleasuring myself virtually.”

Jennifer says that masturbating not only helps her stay connected with her partner during a time of physical separation, but grounds her in the moment and offers her a sense of routine and normalcy in the midst of so much upheaval and uncertainty. “It is also a time and space in which I am in control, which helps mitigate the stress associated with a loss of agency,” she continues.

The stress-relieving benefits of masturbation have been well documented — studies have shown that the release of oxytocin, the “love hormone,” through touch is health-promoting; that masturbation can improve one’s overall self-esteem and body image; the release of endorphins through orgasm can fend off depression. So at a time when we cannot be as active as we’d like, are unable to benefit from a wide variety of interpersonal relationships, and are inundated by stress and anxiety, taking the time to masturbate is not only a purposeful acknowledgment that we deserve to feel good at a time of so much duress, but a way to mitigate the negative impact this pandemic is having on our mental health.

“Mindfulness incorporated with self-pleasure and exploration can help people become more in touch with their bodies in a non-judgmental way, and give them a space to experience physical and emotional pleasure in a time when fear is the predominant feeling,” Madeline Cooper, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist who specializes in sexual health and relationship issues, tells InStyle.

“I encourage my clients to explore their bodies while first focusing on their breathing, and then focusing on the temperature, pressure, and texture of their touch,” she explains. “This is based on a couples exercise called ‘Sensate Focus’ that sex therapists utilize to reduce intimacy anxiety, but has been shown to be beneficial when individuals use similar techniques on their own. It allows people to direct their attention to their own, dependable experience, especially during a time when there is a lack of control of external circumstances.”

While the country begins to re-open (and in some places, re-shut down), so much remains unknown about what the future looks like. But in the face of so much uncertainty, it can be beneficial to look inward, focus on ourselves, and give ourselves the permission to and benefits of simply feeling good, even if only momentarily. Whether it be with a partner, virtually, or alone, masturbation can be a way for us to stay connected to those we love but cannot touch, and, more importantly, stay connected to ourselves.

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Why Masturbating Is Still An Excellent Idea If You’re Coupled Up

By Carli Whitwell

I was dozing in bed a few Saturdays ago when my husband took our dog out for an early-morning walk. Alone, the mood struck and I masturbated. I had a quick, decent orgasm, followed by a rush of guilt. It wasn’t the act itself (I’m well aware that EVERYONE DOES IT). But because I’m coupled up, masturbating sometimes feels like it did when I was in high school — sneaky and shameful, and something I shouldn’t be doing, at least not when I have easy access to my husband.

Before you troll me for being a sexually repressed bad feminist, hear me out. I’m in my mid-30s, and like many millennials I’m still trying to shake off the shackles of a half-baked sexual education; mine was largely informed by romance novels pilfered from my mum and the old adage that “nice girls wait.” So when it comes to talking to my partner about self-pleasure, I don’t really. It’s more like: “I know you masturbate; you know I masturbate, but let’s agree never to discuss it, and we can forget about that one time I left porn up on the laptop.” (My bad.) “There’s a lot of secrecy around this in couples,” says Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor from the University of Guelph. “Most people have no idea how often their partner, regardless of gender, is engaging in masturbation.”

And we are definitely engaging in it, some of us way more during COVID-19. In fact, judging from sex toy sales, masturbation is getting some of us through the pandemic single-handedly. A study by Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute found that 33% of men and 20% of women are masturbating more often since quarantine started. Another 24% of women are masturbating less, which is no surprise since many women have less solo time to get ’er done because we’re taking on even more emotional and domestic labour.

Then again, there’s always been different sexual rulebooks for men and women. I grew up watching male leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slut-shamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly. Only recently have women been encouraged to own our sexuality, including our under-the-sheets solo activity. (Although we are still very rarely shown how to do that in non-heteronormative ways.)

I grew up watching males leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slutshamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly.

“The pleasure gap is one of the biggest gender gaps,” says Alexandra Fine, a sexologist and co-creator of Dame Products, a line of sex toys geared toward people with vulvas. That gap applies to masturbation, but also to sex. Studies have shown that, in heterosexual relationships, women orgasm way less than men during sex. (Lesbians have more orgasms than straight or bisexual women.) This discrepancy comes down to a lot of factors — from partners’ lack of knowledge about our anatomy to anxiety — but it’s also indicative of “who feels entitled to pleasure and why,” says Fine. “Women are much more likely to think of sex as for someone else’s pleasure. It’s so much a part of the female sexual narrative.”

Milhausen thinks we’ve, ahem, come a long way, but agrees self-pleasure is among the final holdouts of our sexual revolution. “Masturbation is the last bastion of gendered difference [in sexuality] with men doing it far more often than women.” (Interestingly, her research has found that women seem to derive more pleasure from getting themselves off than men do, but that’s a different story.)

It doesn’t help that the self-pleasure industry feels marketed toward men — although feminist porn sites and companies like Dame are making inroads. Changing the sexual scripts we learn at a young age also requires some mental rewiring on our part. Masturbating but not wanting to have sex one day doesn’t make you a bad partner. And getting turned on by a sexy passage in a book and whipping out your vibrator when your significant other is out for a 10K run isn’t something to feel guilty about.

Besides, women are already drowning in guilt about everything — especially when it comes to taking time for ourselves, sexual or otherwise. “We need to start with encouraging women to have more leisure time and to take more time for ourselves… and the sex thing will fall into alignment,” says Milhausen. “But until women have five minutes to have a shower or to go for a walk, or to read a book or to talk to a friend, I’m not going to ask her to go and schedule the time to masturbate.”

Fine, for her part, says she has no problem getting off solo with her husband beside her. “I masturbate next to him frequently,” she says. “Sometimes it’s blossomed into something else. And sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes I don’t want it to…We’ve been doing that for years and it doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s like when you start peeing in front of each other. The first time is really weird and then it’s fine.”

I’m not sure I’d get off while my guy watches MLB replays on his iPad beside me (go Jays!), but I will say that I recently excused myself to the bedroom for some me time, and he didn’t care at all. It turns out our let’s-not-talk-about-masturbation might have been my own hang-up all along.

And I know what I’ll be doing the next time he takes the dog to the park.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“For lots of us, lockdown has been a time of sexual self-discovery”

by

Much has been written about the global ‘sex recession’, with studies showing that – for reasons both practical and psychological – we’re having much less of it right now. It makes sense: social distancing and a very stressful year will do that to us. But there’s a flipside to this coin.

The recession stories focus on a pretty small part of the sexual spectrum. Yes, it’s true that partnered, in-person sex will have inevitably taken a back seat if you’re single, but the unprecedented boom in sex toys, online communities and sexual wellness brands suggests many of us have been putting all this alone time to good use. The past year has been a period of slowdown that’s prompted us to look inwards and reflect – and naturally, that’s extended to getting to know ourselves and our bodies a little better.

“For women especially, lockdown put the brakes on the idea that we’ve got to look for someone else to have a fulfilling sex life and made us think, ‘Actually, I’m going to do this for myself’,” says Lucy-Anne Holmes, author of Women On Top Of The World and speaker on the WOW UK Festival’s Sex In Lockdown panel. “We’ve long had this script of sex that’s penetrative and heterosexual, but of the hundreds of women I’ve spoken to for my book, most said that was their least favourite part of sex.” 

Her fellow panelist Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah, co-founder of Adventures From The Bedrooms Of African Women, agrees it’s high time we stopped thinking of sex as a two (or more) person job. “Masturbation is a form of sex we still tend to disregard,” she says. “But a lot of times, myself included, we can have the best solo orgasms and really lacklustre experiences with somebody else. You can absolutely have amazing sex on your own – and by necessity, more people are realising that.”

The proof is in our online shopping baskets. In the first two weeks of lockdown alone, sales of adult toys jumped 25% across the UK, while luxury vibrator brand Lelo has seen a 40% rise in orders over the past year and searches for ‘sexual wellness’ on Cult Beauty rose by a huge 850% in March. Globally, health organisations have encouraged self-pleasure as a sensible way to get our kicks in lockdown, and New York City recently told single residents concerned about Covid-19 restrictions that “you are your safest sex partner”.

Of course, the major shift to solo action has largely been out of our hands, but more of us than ever are clearly recognising the importance of sexual self-care and the effect it can have on our overall wellbeing. “Orgasm is the new apple a day,” sexologist Megan Stubbs recently told NPR. “It can help boost your immune system, boost your mood, decrease pain, reduce headaches, help you sleep better, give you better-looking skin, put a smile on your face – there really are no drawbacks.” When you consider this joyful list alongside studies showing that 78% of us feel happier and less stressed after an orgasm, it makes total sense that we’d see a spike in free, feel-good fun during a global pandemic.

And particularly for women, non-binary and queer people – historically the least encouraged by society to express our sexuality freely – being at home, in a safe space where we can explore on our own terms, has prompted some very positive developments.

Taylor Larbert, 28, has certainly seen the benefits. “Being trans, lots of my conversations and experiences connected to sex have been quite difficult or traumatic in the past,” she says. “But in lockdown I’ve come to have a really loving relationship with my body and my sexuality: I’ve had the space to figure out what I like and what I don’t, and I feel infinitely more powerful than I did a year ago.”

Hers is a story playing out across the country, as people use the time to tap into their true desires and try new things. The stay-at-home order has forced many sex-positive communities and events to go completely virtual – and this has actually caused numbers to skyrocket.

“It’s been a massive time for self-discovery,” says Emma Sayle, originator of the ‘zorgy’ (Zoom orgy) and founder of sexual empowerment platform Killing Kittens. “I’ve seen it first hand: there’s been a huge surge in people joining our virtual workshops. Beginners’ guides to kink, BDSM and tantric massages have been sellouts, so we’ve had to run more to keep up with demand.”

“We’ve also been finding that more than 50% of people coming to our events are first-timers; people who never would’ve dared to come to an IRL sex party or erotic workshop before Covid. But because they can engage from their own sofas, free to close their laptops at any time, it has opened up a whole new world for them to explore, join in, ask questions and find like-minded people.”

Poet, playwright and performer Dr Jessi Parrott makes one very important point though: for queer and disabled people especially, a lot of these markers of our new ‘pandemic sex lives’ are not really new at all.

“Having to navigate different avenues for sexual expression – online, for example – is something marginalised groups have long had to do, because the spaces for us to be together physically have often been quite fraught,” they say. “When your bodies and minds don’t fit with a stereotypical ideal of sexuality, expressing yourself sexually is quite a radical thing in itself.”

For Parrott, an extended period at home has brought them closer to themselves, though. “During this past lockdown, I’ve come to understand that I’m non-binary and that has changed my relationship with my body in a way I wouldn’t have thought possible. I’ve often had quite a clinical, detached relationship with my body and put that down to being disabled, but actually that was a lot to do with this form of dysphoria I’d been experiencing – and so these past few months have been revelatory and really lovely. I’ve realised that until you’re properly at home in your own body, you can’t necessarily experience pleasure and full sexual liberation.”

And that’s the crux of it: we deserve to spend time getting to know our innermost truths, wants and needs, to lavish the attention we tend to offer sexual partners on ourselves, too. Granted, many of us just don’t have the desire or mental space to focus on sex right now – and that’s OK – but as Holmes points out, it can be a vital part of taking care of both our body and mind.

“Having your own sense of sexual identity and making space for it is so important,” she says. “Sex is one of the best ways to connect to our body and listen to it. To ask, what do I need right now? Do I need to be caressed, do I need healing, do I need tension release?

“We’re so conditioned to focus on being desirable, but this is the perfect time to ask yourself what you desire. Take this time to think about what you really want – and then dare to go towards it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk to kids about sex

— An age-by-age guide to sex education for parents

t’s important to discuss sex with your children throughout their lives.

By Rebecca Strong

  • It’s never too early to discuss gender identity or consent.
  • Non-judgmental, inclusive, body-positive language is key.
  • Teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex.

Talking about sex with your kids may feel overwhelming, but it’s important to keep an open line of communication at an early age.

Children who are well-educated about their own sexuality will likely have higher self-esteem and make choices about their sexuality that they are happier with.

It can also ensure they feel safe coming to you with questions and concerns instead of uninformed peers or the dice roll of the internet.

Clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, PhD, recommends researching the physical changes your child is experiencing at every age and listening to them while encouraging an open dialogue rather than lecturing them.

We spoke to Kapow, as well as board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis and certified sex educator Laura McGuire, for guidelines on how to talk to kids about sex at every age.

Kids under the age of 5 

You may assume it’s too soon to start talking to your preschooler or toddler about sex, but it’s only natural for them to have some questions about their bodies as they begin to walk and talk, according to Mayo Clinic.

For example, if your toddler asks where babies come from, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends giving them a truthful but simple response. For example, you can say “each person starts as a combination of seeds from two people. That seed grows inside of a place called a uterus, which is inside of a belly.

Topics to address at this age

  • Anatomical names for private body parts:  If your child asks about their gender as it pertains to their genitalia, parents should avoid euphemisms or “pet” names. Klapow recommends telling them the anatomically correct term for it, and what it’s used for — like how pee comes from a penis or a vulva. Using standard anatomical terminology for private body parts promotes self-confidence, open communication, and positive body image, as well as gives them the proper language to seek help in the event of sexual abuse or a medical issue.
  • Gender: They haven’t developed a concept of nakedness or modesty yet, but according to the National Center on Parent, Family, and Community Engagement, toddlers begin to understand the concept of gender identity as early as 18-24 months. Parents can encourage their children to feel comfortable exploring and defining their gender by teaching them that they are not limited to toys or clothes that are traditionally assigned to their sex.
  • Consent: Experts agree that the earlier you can bring up the concept of consent, the better. At this age, board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis suggests talking about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. For instance, if your preschooler’s friend is being rough with them on the playground, you can use those situations to ask them what types of physical touch they don’t like, and how they can say “no” to a friend. Adults should aim to respect their children’s “no” or as much as possible, too.

    “Around 18 months, a child can observe modeled behaviors such as asking permission and observing signs that someone is uncomfortable to respect that boundary,” says Laura McGuire, a certified sex educator. So how you interact with your child, other kids, and other adults also demonstrates consent for your child. You don’t have to use the word “consent” with a preschooler — using clear but simple terms like space, body, and touch are more likely to be understood at this age.

Elementary school-aged kids 

Whereas toddlers and preschoolers may only require vague answers to questions about sex and their bodies, experts say school-aged children tend to want to dive deeper with more specific questions about the link between sexuality and how babies are made.

Rather than make any assumptions, Mayo Clinic advises asking what they already know when they come to you with a question. Then, you can clear up any misconceptions, and provide any details they may be missing. You might ask, “well, can you tell me what you think it means?” and go from there.

For example, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends explaining their birth story by saying something along these lines: Dad’s seed (or sperm) comes through his penis and combines with mom’s seed (or egg) in her uterus, and then the baby grows there for nine months until it’s strong enough to be born.

Another common topic is erections, which can happen as early as a baby’s first few months of life. Once they’re old enough to ask you about it, you might just explain that a penis is typically soft, but sometimes “gets hard and stands up straight”. Emphasize that this is healthy and normal and may feel good. As they explore their bodies, allow all children to to enjoy pleasure without shaming them or batting their hands away, especially if they are in the privacy of their own home, bathroom, or bedroom.

Topics to address at this age

  • Setting boundaries: It’s important that children in elementary school learn outright what a boundary is and how to set one, Klapow says. Learning to say no and communicate when they feel uncomfortable is essential for preparing them for future sexual encounters at an older age.
  • Gender: Regarding gender, Klapow says children between the ages of 5–10 start to form ideas around their gender and sexual identity. If your child comes to you with confusion about their identity, you can let them know that having a particular sex assigned at birth doesn’t mean a person has to relate to a specific gender or sexual orientation.

    “You can talk about the fact that some people identify as boys, some as girls, some as neither, and that these identities can change,” says McGuire. It might be helpful to draw similarities to TV or book characters for younger kids and pop culture references for older kids. 

Middle school-age kids 

Between ages 11–13, your child will begin experiencing a surge in hormones that can cause the physical changes of puberty as well as more intense sexual feelings.

Lis recommends letting your adolescent know what types of bodily changes are normal during puberty, including the growth of pubic hair and other body hair, the development of breasts, acne, and the start of menstruation.

After letting your child know what to expect in terms of menstrual bleeding, you should also explain hygiene product options and clarify that a period usually indicates the body can become pregnant. Mayo Clinic says this might also be a good time to explain what wet dreams are. It may also be a good time to begin conversations about family values, including around the topics of dating and masturbation.

If you feel comfortable, you can share stories from your own experience of adolescence.

As your adolescent approaches the age of 13, Lis advises educating them about the forms of contraception that are available while also reiterating the idea of consent. She recommends clarifying that condoms can reduce your risk of STIs as well as unwanted pregnancy, while a birth control pill cannot prevent STIs and is only intended to prevent pregnancy.

“Keep the message clear: This is normal, and you want them to come to you if they have questions. You will not pass judgment and you will support them no matter what.” Klapow says.

Topics to address at this age

  • Pornography: A 2017 survey by the American Psychology Association found that the average age a child is first exposed to online porn is 13.37 years of age, and for the majority of men (43.5%), that first exposure is accidental. Lis strongly advises keeping adolescents away from porn by monitoring their technology use. However, if you discover that they’ve seen explicit images or videos, she suggests reminding them that the people are actors, not all bodies look that way, and that not all the acts are common in real-life partnered sex.
  • Sexting: A 2019 study found that sexting is associated with increased sexual risks, such as having a higher number of partners, using drugs and alcohol, and not using contraception. That’s why it’s important to talk to your adolescent about the potential consequences of sharing provocative images and messages — like the fact that the image could spread to other classmates, or that they could be charged with distributing child pornography and face legal repercussions, whether they send, download, or forward the image. Let them know they should never feel pressured to send a photo that makes them feel uncomfortable. 
  • Sexism: Give adolescents examples of female athletes and coders, or stay-at-home dads and male dancers, or gender-diverse folks to help counter traditional notions of gender roles. That way, they feel free to pursue whatever interests and extra-curricular activities they desire. Be sure to discourage your child from participating in “locker room talk,” and explain why objectifying people is disrespectful, while also coaching your kids about double standards and how they can respond to sexist comments.

High school and college-age teenagers

While many sex ed topics may be covered in your teen’s health class, you still play an important role in their attitude and behavior around sex from the age of 14 onward.

What the research says: A 2012 national survey revealed that teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex — more than friends, siblings, or the media. Most teens also admitted that making decisions about delaying sex would be easier if they could talk openly and honestly with their parents. A 2010 study revealed that teens who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to delay intercourse and to use condoms when they do.

After making sure your teen knows where to get contraception and how to use it, Mayo Clinic says you might want to explain other ways they can reduce their risk of contracting STIs, like keeping their relationship exclusive to one partner or asking sexual partners if they’ve been tested, as well as getting tested themselves regularly.

Klapow also suggests bringing up conversations about safer sex with their doctor at routine checkups, as doctors can serve as a confidential source of support and education for your teen. Consider leaving the room so your teen can ask questions more freely.

According to Mayo Clinic, it’s important to remind your teen that there are many ways to express affection — like holding hands, dancing, kissing, and touching — without having penetrative sex and that it’s OK to wait until they feel ready. You may also want to let them know that they should never have sex because they feel pressured by a partner, and make sure they know the definition of rape.

Lis advises directly asking your teen about their level of sexual activity, starting with: “Have you ever been kissed? How did you feel about it?” and then using this conversation as a way to re-coach them about what consent looks like, how to say “no,” and how to handle rejection in a healthy way. She also says it’s critical to explain how the effects of alcohol and drugs connect to getting and giving consent. Consent always should be enthusiastic, freely given, and not under the influence of substances.

“Explain that sex will be less fulfilling when you’re drunk and it’s better to wait so you can experience the joy in sex,” says Lis.

Teens need to know that intoxication affects their decision-making. Lis suggests telling your teen to establish a buddy system or “no friend left behind” policy so that they never abandon friends who are drunk or high, and so they can rely on their friends to look out for them as well. Making sure they have a safe way to get home is also very important.

Important: When talking about love and relationships, be sure to use inclusive language like “partner,” rather than assuming your child is heterosexual.

Hookup culture has created a lot of confusion for teens around what’s expected of them sexually. Lis recommends telling your high-schooler that a sexual partner or experience may be temporary, but should still be pleasurable, kind and considerate — which means no ghosting or bragging to your friends. “Basic sexual etiquette should be demanded and expected,” she says. “This includes sending a text or calling the day after to tell the person you enjoyed the experience.”

You may also want to share how love and emotional connection can play a role in sex being more meaningful or pleasurable. “Encourage teens to be honest about what feels good and what does not with a partner as this helps in establishing boundaries,” says Lis.

The older your child gets, the more in-depth your explanations will need to be — but it’s never too early to touch on topics like gender identity and consent when they come up.

Using non-judgmental, inclusive, and body-positive language is key, no matter what you’re discussing.

“Don’t pretend that you know it all and they don’t,” says Klapow. “Engage with them about what they are seeing on the internet. Be a partner in their exploration.”

When in doubt, McGuire says to remember that you can always reach out to certified sex educators to help you find resources and fill in any gaps you may experience along the way.

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Why is female sexual pleasure still a taboo?

Coco de Mer CEO Lucy Litwack gets to the roots of why we still don’t feel comfortable talking about female masturbation and orgasm


By Lucy Litwack

From art to culture, education to pornography, the female perspective on pleasure in all its forms is little discussed or truly understood. And yet, from general happiness and confidence, to deepening and nurturing our relationships – and a fundamental appreciation of ​ourselves – ​knowing and owning female pleasure and sensuality can be life-changing.

It’s one of the true gifts of being a woman. Our capacity to experience it is innate, universal and human – and it’s never too late to start exploring its extraordinary possibilities. It’s why, through Coco de Mer, I wanted to create a Home of Pleasure – a safe place to discover its potential; with a brand built by and run by women for women. I believe that pleasure done well fires all the senses; that sight, sound, taste, touch and smell are a system greater than the sum of their parts – and as women, we need the opportunities to explore fully the fun, joy and endless possibilities of our sexuality.

The expression of female pleasure is often criticised or scandalised

In conversations around pleasure, men are seemingly always confident in their voices. They have been taught about pleasure through formal education, the media, and society as a whole for their entire lives, while female pleasure is rarely acknowledged. Even language shows a male bias with a lack of a female equivalent for the word virility. Instead, the expression of female pleasure is often criticised, or scandalised, while the male counterpart is regarded, simply, as a fact of life. Is female pleasure the last real taboo in our society and what is to blame?

Democratic access to, and use of, technology is bringing new challenges that historically did not exist. This impact of access to pornography and other content demands new educational approaches. I believe that this rise in online pornography and the subsequent lack of relevant sex education in schools is a big contributor to the issue. Children of all ages have access to online pornography and other sexually related content in a way that past generations did not – and children are being exposed to this content at increasingly younger ages. The​ ​impact of highly sexualised content, including porn, is that young people, could mirror porn-typified roles during intercourse, instead of more balanced sexual gender-dynamics. Few could argue that the majority of porn offers a skewed, unrealistic and often damaging view of sex.

The benefit of a good sexual education goes way beyond classic birth rate statistics. It has been proven to lead to more healthy gender dynamics, less domestic violence, increased sexual health and well-being, and less depression. It needs to be taught that intimacy is about pleasure and communication, not just sex.

Intimacy is about pleasure and communication, not just sex

For an adult who can distinguish between fantasy and reality, pornography can be a pleasurable addition to their sexual life. However, nowadays as many children learn about sex through pornography ,it can lead to situations which are neither safe nor pleasurable. As the majority of pornography is focused on male desire, it can lead boys and girls to underestimate the importance of female pleasure. Girls assume the focus of sex should be on the boy’s desires – and boys are highly under-informed regarding young women’s sexual needs.

This lack of respect for women’s pleasure puts women at a disadvantage in other aspects of life. We’ve raised a generation of girls to have a voice and take control, to expect equality in other aspects of their life – both at home and at the office. Now it’s time to demand the same equality in our personal lives and in the bedroom.

Female pleasure is integral to female empowerment and I have seen the hugely positive impact it can have. When a woman is allowed to explore her desires and embrace the complexity of sexual pleasure in an environment that is welcoming, empowering and indulgent (and without fear of being judged) it can hugely boost a woman’s confidence and, at the same time, lead to a more equal relationship with men.

This lack of education around female pleasure is leading to an increasingly large orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships. The lack of conversation around female masturbation means that women are also less likely to orgasm alone. The complete opposite is the case for men – this isn’t only an accepted practice but something that entire movies have used for comedic value! While there has been a recorded increase in women buying sex toys and exploring their fantasies, we can’t disregard that many still assume needing lubricant is a personal failure, not reaching orgasm from penetration is something to be ashamed of, and pain during sex is normal.

It’s time to demand the same equality in our personal lives and in the bedroom.

The nature of female pleasure is complex and changes through the various stages of a woman’s life from puberty to adulthood, pregnancy, and menopause; and yet, like masturbation and periods, menopause is something that women so rarely discuss. Despite the fact that over half of the population will go through the menopause and all its associated issues during their lifetime, doctors only have three hours training on the topic during medical school. It has been around for thousands of years – the Greeks first named it – and yet it is still a societal taboo. Rather than thinking of ageing as a negative for a woman (the cliché of a silver fox and a cougar), we should be realising the potential for sex to improve hugely asa woman gains experience and confidence. This lack of communication combined with inadequate education isn’t just causing an absence of satisfaction for women but is actively impacting their mental and physical health. We need to combat the harm being done to women by a society that provides so little support.

We need to give female pleasure the platform that it is so often lacking in the media and in educational spaces. Only through representation can conversations be had that inform women and allow them to accept that pleasure by nature is ever-changing and untamed and should be embraced – imperfections included. This is a huge part of my mission.

At Coco de Mer, we hope to create a space for conversation and education through frank contributions to wider conversations, evenings of education, selection of products centered on female pleasure. It is this self acceptance, the sense of fulfillment, and the confidence, joy, and improved health that comes with education and uninhibited explorations of pleasure that I want to deliver to women. Pleasure and sexual fulfillment shouldn’t be regarded as luxuries; more women need to regard their own sexual satisfaction as a necessity.

How to harness your sexual pleasure:

Think about what sexual empowerment means to you

Is it about more orgasms? Is it about self-confidence? Is it uninhibited exploration? Only you can define what pleasure means for you so take the time to think about what it is that you want. Make a list of the things that bring you pleasure; set your sights on something you want to experience; take an erotic education class, or read a book that could offer you new insights into your desires. Set your own goals, be it trying something new, honing your orgasmic experiences, or even just being more open with your partner. Don’t be scared of being judged, or worry about being embarrassed. Insecurities can block pleasure, but confidence and desire is sexy so embrace the complexity of sexual pleasure.

Have the talk; communication is key

The number one way to get what you want is to ask for it – both in and out of the bedroom. That may be working out what you want from yourself and your own relationship with pleasure or what you need from a partner. Be honest but also try to focus on the positives – what you DO want rather than what you don’t. Look at areas of your personal pleasure journey you would like to expand – that could be exploring fantasies, trying new things, or even just taking more time to dedicate to yourself. Not sure how to start up the conversation with a partner? Try working it into your pillow talk or foreplay when you’re both relaxed and open, and ask plenty of questions.

Invest in self-pleasure

It can be hard to tell someone what you need when you are not even sure yourself. Investing in a sex toy can be a great way to experiment with sensations and understand your own desires and what gives you pleasure. Knowing what works for you is a great starting point for you and a partner to expand your sexual boundaries and explore new sensations together. When masturbating, 95% of women reach orgasm more consistently and faster, and by introducing toys to your regular sexual activity you can see a real difference in your level of satisfaction. Loving yourself is the first step to a happy and satisfying relationship with a partner.

Explore sensations beyond your routine

In the pursuit of pleasure there can be a huge benefit to trying something new. Start small, where you feel comfortable, and then grow with it at the pace that is right for you. Perhaps start with wearing lingerie that increases your feelings of power and confidence. Try exploring sensation play and pushing boundaries to discover things that ignite passion for you – this could be introducing soft bondage such as silk blindfolds, feather ticklers or restraints, or incorporating taste and smell to excite. When you lose one sense, the others are heightened – so lightly stroking the body with a soft feather tickler while your eyes are covered with a silk blindfold can be very pleasurable.

Have fun!

It is important to remember that the serious “perfect” sex we see on screens or read about in erotic novels isn’t real. Real pleasure is messy, it can be silly and lighthearted and even a little embarrassing at times. What is important is keeping your sights on real experiences and your authentic state of being. Make sure you laugh things off and let things go when they don’t go exactly to plan. It’s ok to be imperfect. Pleasure is good for you – enjoy yourself!

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The Woman Who Taught Us Pleasure

Remembering Betty Dodson, the pioneering sex educator.

By

Betty Dodson, the pioneering sexologist, educator, and author, died in New York City on Saturday. She was 91 years old.

Dodson built her career around educating women in the art self-pleasure. In the 1970s, she began hosting masturbation workshops in her Manhattan apartment, in which women got naked, examined one another’s vulvas and then practiced pleasuring themselves with a vibrator. (Or, as Dodson put it last year when asked what happens in her workshops: “Everyone gets off.”)

She was inspired to start the workshops, she said, after attending several orgies and realizing that even the most freewheeling, sex-positive women often struggled to orgasm. Effective masturbation, she believed, was a form of liberation for women, a way for them to learn to prioritize their own sexual experience and reduce their dependence on men. As she wrote in her 2010 memoir, Sex by Design: The Betty Dodson Story, “Instinct told me that sexual mobility was the same as social mobility. Men had it and women didn’t.”

Born in Wichita, Kansas, on August 24, 1929, Dodson moved to New York when she was 20 to pursue a career as an artist. She was briefly married to an advertising executive, but the two were sexually incompatible; she was “not orgasmic” with him, she once told Salon. Dodson said her sexual shame and dissatisfaction led her to start drinking heavily. After her divorce in 1965, she got sober, and, according to the New York Times, it was in Alcoholics Anonymous that she met a man who, she said, taught her about self-pleasure and would remain one of her sexual partners until his death in 2008.

Dodson’s own sexuality was fluid. She described herself as “heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian.” Her attitude toward men, the Times noted in a profile of her earlier this year, was occasionally dismissive. “Men are so two-dimensional,” she said. “If there is anything interesting about them, it’s because of the women they’ve been with.” There were exceptions, though. She recalled with fondness, for example, Eric Wilkinson, the man she lived with for over a decade when she was in her 70s and he was in his 20s. “He was so beautiful. He had the perfect body, broad shoulders, good-size genitals, and tight bones.”

Gruff, blunt, and wickedly funny, Dodson’s teachings have been hugely influential in how women’s sexual health and pleasure are discussed today. Her book Sex for One has been translated into over 25 languages; her self-pleasure workshops are taught by “bodysex leaders,” as they are known, around the world; and she even worked as an adviser for New York’s popular Museum of Sex. “Betty had it all,” Annie Sprinkle, the 1970s porn star turned sex educator, who was a student of Dodson’s, told the Times. “She popularized the clitoris and clitoral orgasms, and gave the clitoris celebrity status.”

But even if the conversation around female pleasure has come a long way from where it was when Dodson was first attending orgies, there’s still a long way to go. Consider her appearance last year on The Goop Lab, Netflix’s docuseries about Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company. In an episode called “The Pleasure Is Ours,” Dodson preaches how important it is that women “run the fuck,” and she makes Paltrow’s cheeks blush the same shade of millennial pink as the couch she’s sitting on. She also corrects Paltrow’s terminology. When the Goop founder boasts that “vaginas” are her favorite subject, Dodson cuts her off. “The vagina’s the birth canal only,” she says firmly. “You wanna talk about the vulva, which is the clitoris and the inner lips and all that good shit around it.”

It’s a telling moment. Paltrow is a woman who advances and profits from the notion of female pleasure by peddling expensive jade yoni eggs and a candle that supposedly smells like her vagina. (Did she mean vagina or vulva? I guess we don’t know.) But she’s iffy on the specifics of female anatomy, and a comment about women “running the fuck” makes her blush. Clearly, Dodson’s message of open and honest communication around female sexual pleasure is as relevant today as it was when she hosted her first masturbation workshop in the 1970s.

As for her own pleasure, Dodson never stopped enjoying it. As she told the Cut back in 2011, when she was 83: “Last month, I had a knockout [orgasm]. I went, ‘Whoa, girl. You still got it.’”

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How to Maximize the Mental Health Benefits of Masturbation

Experts weigh in on the art of mindful masturbation at a time when we can all use it

By Kayla Kibbe

You’ve gotta hand it to masturbation’s PR team. Since 1894, when one William Kellogg intentionally engineered a cereal so bland as to quell sexual excitement and curb masturbatory habits then deemed not only shameful, but harmful, cultural attitudes toward masturbation have done a near 180, with the ultimate physical expression of self-love transformed from an act of self-abuse to one of self-care.

While god-fearing sexual mores and myths of yore linked masturbation to myriad health consequences including blindness, mental illness, hairy palms and even death (followed, of course, by eternal damnation), masturbation’s post-corn-flakes rebrand has seen the act of getting oneself off absolved and proclaimed not only harmless, but downright good for you. Unlike sexphobic cereal makers of centuries past who aimed to save masturbators from certain mental, physical and spiritual demise, experts today tout the various health benefits of what Kellogg and his late-Victorian ilk once called “the solitary vice.” Today, after centuries of bad PR courtesy of — among other entities — the Roman Catholic Church, masturbation is finally recognized as a fun, pleasurable activity that can actually improve your physical, sexual and yes, mental health.

“Masturbation, when devoid of guilt and shame, can have loads of positive benefits on both our mental and physical health,” says Amy Weissfeld, Certified Sex Coach & Somatic Sex Educator. “During masturbation, feel-good chemicals including dopamine and oxytocin are released into the body. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter, makes you feel good and puts you in a better mood. Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, contributes to feelings of well-being and attachment,” she explains, adding that both dopamine and oxytocin help block the release of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress and anxiety.

In addition to stress relief, this “cocktail of chemicals” — as Bruce P. Grether, masturbation coach and founder of Erotic Engineering puts it — can also improve self-esteem and confidence, “enhanc[ing] happiness and even social harmony with others,” Grether explains.

Suffice to say, stress relief, happiness and social harmony are all things we could use a little more of these days, and masturbating your way there seems like a win-win. That said, there’s a difference between mindlessly rubbing one out and actually masturbating with improved mental health as the goal.

“Masturbating more mindfully is the secret to gaining these mental health benefits,” says Weissfeld. “Don’t just pound it out or try to get it over with,” she adds. “This kind of masturbation is very different from ‘having a wank’ or ‘getting it out of the system.’”

Fortunately, there are ways to hack your masturbatory practice for a more mentally rewarding experience. While — as sex hacker, international sex expert and sex educator Kenneth Play points out — masturbation is no substitute for professional treatment, there are still plenty of mental health benefits to be reaped from your favorite solo pastime if you know how to do it right.

Here, experts offer tips on how to masturbate your way to better mental health, or at least a better state of mind.

Slow Down

“Way the fuck down,” says Weissfeld. “Remind yourself that it’s not about the orgasm or how quickly or slowly you get there. It’s actually about the pleasure — about allowing and inviting pleasure to spread throughout the whole body.”

In a society that tends to prioritize orgasms — especially male ones — as the goal of any sexual encounter, partnered or solo, it can be difficult not to treat masturbation as a race to get yourself off. Reframing this orgasm-centric view is key to more mindful masturbating. Rather than thinking of every stroke as a step toward orgasm, instead focus on paying attention to how each physical sensation actually feels in the moment.

“Too much focus on ejaculation can limit enjoyment,” says Grether, whose approach to mindful masturbation emphasizes the importance of “retraining yourself to focus on your own body in the here and now.”

“Mindfulness really just means alertness, paying full attention to what you are actually doing and feeling, and not getting lost in distraction or fantasy,” he adds.

According to Kenneth Play, this involves “releasing expectations and being open to your body’s messages moment to moment.” By “consciously training yourself to learn to pay more attention to the body’s signals,” he explains, you become more attuned to both mental and physical feelings and the ways they interact. “This may be a feeling of pleasure, or it could be some emotional discomfort that you haven’t really tuned into during your busy day and are only now noticing when you slow down enough.”

After years of jack-hammering yourself to a rapid-release orgasm, however, slowing down may be easier said than done. To remind yourself to stay slow and steady, Weissfeld recommends focusing on your breathing, “which can be used to both increase desire and arousal and to slow things down to a more relaxed sort of savoring.”

And remember, she says, it’s not about how fast you make it to the finish line. “Treating masturbation as the self-love and care it actually is means taking some time.”

Relax

“So many of us are in a chronically stressed-out state, especially during this pandemic. If you’re too stressed out, you may not even feel super sexual in the first place, or you may be used to using sex as a way of relieving stress rather than a way to get in touch with your body,” says Kenneth.

While replacing a midday snack or smoke break with masturbation has become increasingly common in the age of perpetually working from home, (and masturbation is definitely a healthy way to relieve stress during the work day, as long as you keep it off Zoom), it’s important to find time to enjoy masturbation as its own pleasurable act, independent from work or other stressors. In order to set the mood, even if it’s just a party of one, Kenneth suggests lighting candles, taking a bath, working out first or masturbating when you’re feeling sleepy or less energized.

“The body operates differently in states of relaxation, and your sexual responses will be completely different,” he explains. “As men, we often think of sex as a performance or a time to be in a very alert state. But there is another kind of arousal — that which comes from a relaxed body.”

According to Kenneth, many men have never even tapped into this more relaxed state of arousal, but doing so can have huge benefits for both your partnered and solo sex life.

“It’s really worth experimenting to see if you can find this new doorway into pleasure,” he says. “It’s great to try to develop this skill solo so you can bring this more relaxed form of arousal to your partners, but also just so you can experience it for yourself.”

Try something new

Even if you were raised on a steady diet of unhorny corn flakes, there’s a good chance you began masturbating at a young age. This is great and healthy and we should obviously encourage young people to begin expressing and exploring their sexuality in safe and consensual ways as early as they display an interest. That said, many adults are still holding firm to rigid masturbatory habits they formed years if not decades ago, which may be keeping them from a more physically and mentally satisfying experience.

“Men often get stuck in one position using a standard one-handed piston-stroke, and race to the finish-line, focused on ejaculation,” says Grether. “These are learned habits.”

Indeed, while not the addictive societal ill it was once thought, “masturbation does reinforce habits,” says Kenneth. “If you continually masturbate the same way, you are training yourself to be in that state of consciousness while having sex and for your body to perform [a certain] way.”

Fortunately, habits can be broken, and introducing a little novelty into your masturbation routine is probably a lot more fun (and easier) than trying to kick whatever other habits you’ve been reinforcing since childhood.

Mixing things up can be as simple as “touching yourself in a different way,” says Weissfeld. “If you always use your right hand, try your left. If you always use a massage stroke, try squeezing and releasing, or feather-light touch.”

Of course, you could also try introducing toys, adding, changing or removing porn from the equation, or masturbating with a partner.

Get Loud

Again, many of us have been masturbating from a young age, at which point we probably internalized some residual corn flakes-era masturbation shame. These lingering mentalities may have contributed to certain habits designed to keep our self-pleasure sessions quiet and secret, like “silencing ourselves or trying to be very small, quick and doing it in the dark,” says Weissfeld.

“At first this might be because we don’t want our caregivers or siblings to hear or discover us,” she explains. “Then perhaps because we don’t want our roommates or partners to hear us, and eventually we might be grown up and have kids of our own we silence ourselves for.”

While it’s obviously important to be respectful of the fact that the people you share your home or the other side of the wall in your apartment with may not want to be privy to your self-pleasure sessions, this continually reinforced inhibition can keep us from fully enjoying the experience.

“This is kind of like going to eat fast food in your car every day while trying not to make a mess,” says Kenneth. “Once you are at a nine-course Michelin-star meal, you might forget how to relax and actively enjoy your food. It’s important to practice enjoying your body some of the time so you don’t get stuck in a certain mode, unable to really enjoy yourself.”

Part of this comes from allowing yourself to be loud, or generally take up space you normally wouldn’t when you’ve been hardwired to approach masturbation like a dirty secret.

“Learn to be louder, take up more space,” says Weissfeld, who adds that the act of producing sound can actually have a physical effect on the erotic experience. “Allow yourself to make sound on the exhalation of breath and to moan deeply in the back of the throat,” she advises. “This activates the vagus nerve, which helps move those feel-good chemicals throughout the body.”

If being more vocal isn’t an option, there are other ways to make masturbation feel more like an experience than a secret.

“Perhaps you’d like to dim the lights, or lie on a blanket that’s especially cozy and soft, or listen to some incredibly sexy music, or wear something that turns you on, or use oil that makes your skin feel slippery and soft, or add sex toys to your play, or take a bath, or simply pause in the shower to feel how incredible the warm water feels cascading down your back,” she suggests. “Give yourself permission to spend some time on you, and to notice and savor every little sensation that brings you pleasure while you masturbate.”

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