A beginner’s guide to impact play

— For when chains and whips excite you.

By Gigi Engle

Impact play is an umbrella term for all things sexual involving hitting or being hit with an object in a safe and consensual way. Impact play “can [involve] hitting, punching, or slapping, but you can also get creative like [being] pummeled with fists, alternating different strokes or slaps,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. You can also use equipment other than your hands, such as paddles, whips, floggers, or something you find around the house.

Is your interest piqued? Would you say that chains and whips excite you? (Sorry.)

Impact play is one of the cornerstone practices in the BDSM community. But it’s not just for dungeons. Impact play can be used by anyone. The key is doing it safely.

Impact play encompasses getting hit with things, or hitting a partner with objects, as a way to heighten sexual arousal and up the ante on Dom/sub power dynamics.

Misinformation about BDSM and impact play, among other kink practices, is rife on TikTok. It’s important, therefore, to get your kink education from reputable sources. Mashable spoke to kink educators about impact play to get the lowdown on how to practice it safely.

If you’re interested in learning how to be an expert with a whip, flogger, or crop, or just feel like that booty deserves a (very consensual) hiding, look no further. Let’s immerse ourselves into the seductive universe of impact play and all that it involves.

What is impact play?

If it’s not clear by now, impact play is using objects (or hands, etc.) to hit or be hit. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. It might sound pretty straightforward, but impact play is nothing short of an art (when done correctly and safely).

This modality within the BDSM community offers a Dominant and submissive partner the chance to explore tactile sensation, pain play, and physical endurance. Plus, it just feels really, really good.

Here are some examples of impact play:

  • Flogging.
  • Paddling.
  • Caning.
  • Spanking (with hands or tools).
  • Using a crop.

There are plenty more ways to enthusiastically smack someone around. You can get really creative with it.

The importance of safety and consent.

There is absolutely nothing more important in impact play (and all play) than safety and consent. Each scene that involves impact play needs to be highly negotiated between partners. We’re talking about literally hitting people with objects.
Sure, it’s fun, but it is NO joke. Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD, explainsL “BDSM players of any type need to understand the risks inherent to the play they want to engage in: physical, mental, and emotional.” “Experienced players have typically studied their activity of choice, the anatomy involved, first aid care for when things go wrong, and are practiced in communicating throughout the play.”

Communication is so, so key. “Don’t ever attempt to start hitting or striking your partner during play or during sex without communicating beforehand, it can put them into a threat response,” Rowett says. This can be highly traumatic. Sorry to have to say this to y’all, but hitting someone without their consent is straight up domestic violence.

Don’t rush into this kind of play.

The safety and consent checklist:

  1. Do your homework. You need to know which parts of the body are safe to hit and which aren’t.
  2. Practice makes perfect. Both partners need to be fully aware of the risks involved in their chosen activities as well as the skill needed to perform them well.
  3. Thoroughly discuss the scene: What are your boundaries? Do you have a safe word? What tools will you be using?
  4. Have an aftercare plan in place to ensure both partners have time and space to emotionally “come down.”
  5. Check in regularly throughout the scene to be sure everyone is enjoying themselves.

Things to avoid during impact play.

“There are no prizes for being the kinkiest or toughest player in the dungeon, especially if you’re just starting out,” Criss says. Don’t rush into this kind of play. You need to have patience, go slowly, and be willing to experiment. If you rush in, you might end up getting injured or injuring someone. This will lead you to miss out on a whole lot of fun.

You want to stay away from the lower back literally always. Hitting this area can cause kidney damage. The stomach is also a very sensitive area and should be avoided unless the impact is very light. You also want to stay away from any joints, the neck, or any injuries or body parts that experience chronic pain.

When in doubt: The squishy bits are best. Think: Booty, legs, breasts, and arms.

When in doubt: The squishy bits are best. Think: Booty, legs, breasts, and arms.
After figuring out the where, figure out the how. The kind of pressure and intensity you want to feel is key to enjoying the experience. Do you enjoy stingy, lighter sensations? Do you prefer a deeper, thuddier sensation? This might take some time, practice, and patience to figure out. Experimenting is totally OK as long as everyone is following the safety plan.

You’ll also want to chat through marks on your body. Are you OK with bruises? Definitely not down for that? Be open, thorough, and communicate.

How to get started.

First of all, if you’re a novice, the best place to start is with spanking, either using a hand, riding crop, or a ruler. You could also use a plastic spatula or a wooden spoon. We have so many great items available at home and we love that for us. “Go slow when you’re starting out,” Criss tells us. “Agree to try one or two things for a short period of time and debrief with your partner after: what worked, what didn’t, and what you’d like more of.” You want to co-create a foundation and then go from there.

Start with the butt. It’s meatier and you have less of a risk of bruising. Always check in with your partner and be sure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience. “Using a flat hand, get started with light spanking on the outer middle quadrant of the glute,” Chiaramonte explains. “Play with the intensity of how hard you (and your partner) can handle giving and receiving.”

If you decide you enjoy playing with impact, you can always invest in specialty gear. “A beginners BDSM kit may come with mini versions of things like paddles, floggers, and crops/canes,” Chiaramonte adds.

And don’t forget: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

Don’t forget: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

Why impact play is so appealing.

It makes sense why people would love this, from a neurobiological perspective. The same areas of the brain light up when you feel pain as when you feel pleasure. Our nervous systems are incredibly intricate. When we feel pain, our central nervous system releases endorphins. These hormones are designed to stop pain. When we experience this rush of endorphins, it can lead to pleasure, causing a dizzying euphoria.

Some people are just really, really into pain. People who enjoy pain for sexual pleasure are called masochists – and they make up the “M” in BDSM. “Aside from the sensation, [impact play] is a magnificent tool to reinforce kinks/BDSM dynamics like dom/sub as tools for ‘punishment’ or ‘reward,” says Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

There is a caveat here that we need to clarify: Not all impact play is pain play.

Words like spanking, flogging, or caning “might sound violent, but they don’t have to be,” says Criss. “Players will vary their strikes to achieve the desired effect, ranging from soft and gentle to firm to stingy.” Some people enjoy an impact that gives them deep sensation without going into the realm of pain. They are into the tactile sensation and the power dynamics. However you enjoy your impact, it’s totally valid.

OK, kinksters! Are you feeling prepared to get your spank on? Go forth and prosper!

Complete Article HERE!

Your Complete Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

— Allow us to show you the ropes (pun intended).

By Gigi Engle

Get out the whips, chains, and leather corsets, because we are getting down and dirty with BDSM today. For kink newbies, BDSM might seem intimidating, which makes complete sense—it’s a practice that can include a lot of high intensity activities. But don’t worry, it really is an accessible kink that can be practiced safely, provided you and your partners know your stuff. Which, hi, is where we come in.

There’s obviously a lot of stuff on the internet about kink, but a no-frills guide for beginners is hard to come by. If you’ve been wanting to get into BDSM but don’t know where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

According to a 2017 study published in the research journal PLOS ONE, a lot of people are into kinky sex. The study found that of the participants surveyed, about 20 percent said they have tied up a partner or been tied up during sex. About 15 percent said they have playfully whipped a partner or been playfully whipped as a part of sex play, and 33 percent reported they have spanked a partner or have been spanked during sex. So yeah, people are into this stuff big time.

“People like BDSM because it’s psychologically and physically thrilling, pleasurable, and fulfills needs, just like any typical sexual act would,” says Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert. “Why would you like [to have] orgasms? Well, because they feel good! Same goes for BDSM.”

But for all the hype, it’s important to be aware that BDSM needs to be practiced with extreme caution—especially for beginners. This kink comes with risks, and understanding them (and how to mitigate them) is fundamental to engaging in play that is safe, fun, and consensual.

So, without further ado, here is everything you need to know about BDSM as a beginner. We’ve all gotta start somewhere, so congrats on starting here.

What Is BDSM?

BDSM is a specific kind of play that falls under the broader umbrella term of kink. Kink can involve a much larger range of activities, whereas BDSM focuses specifically on dynamics within Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/Masochism—which, you guessed it, is what BDSM stands for.

“BDSM encompasses a wide variety of practices involving intentional play with power dynamics and intense sensations,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (Gender, Sexual and Relationship Diversity). “It is often understood to include role play, fetish, and other practices that aren’t considered ‘typical.’”

BDSM can be physical, emotional, and psychological. Play can include sex, but it doesn’t have to include sex.

What Does BDSM Play Look Like?

BDSM relationships involve a Dominant partner(s) and submissive partner(s). This is known as a D/s relationship. The sub willingly and consensually gives up power to the Dom during the play (often referred to as a “scene”). Scenes are co-created between the Dom and sub, and can include a wide variety of different acts.

BDSM play can look like:

  1. Spanking/Impact play: Using implements and hands to spank/whip/flog your partner.
  2. Bondage: The use of ropes, cuffs, and other restraints.
  3. Discipline: Where the Dom disciplines the sub.
  4. Humiliation: Using certain words or behaviors to consensually degrade the sub.
  5. Worship: Where the sub engages in worship of their Dom.
  6. Sensory play: Engaging or restricting the senses to intensify arousal.
  7. Various role play dynamics (Caregiver/little, Pet Owner/pet, Master/slave, etc.)

…And much, much more. BDSM play can really include anything within the realm of consensual power exchange, and that’s what makes it so thrilling.

Why Are People Into BDSM?

At its core, BDSM is all about the giving and receiving of control. When we engage in high-intensity activities like pain-play and bondage, our brains release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol. The rush can be euphoric, explains sexologist Ness Cooper, a sex and relationships therapist.

Adrenaline is the hormone released when our bodies experience a “fight or flight” response. This happens when our brains and bodies perceive that we are in danger. “Pain and pleasure are closely related and processed in the same parts of the brain, meaning that those [who are] into receiving consensual pain can feel pleasure from these BDSM acts,” Cooper says. (Studies confirm this, BTW.)

That said, BDSM is about more than just spankings, chains, and pleasure by way of pain. A large part of its appeal can actually be, dare we say, downright wholesome?

“BDSM is about playfulness, expression, and exploration,” Criss says. It’s an “opportunity to explore your desires and embrace parts of yourself that might not have another socially accepted outlet.” BDSM play offers a place for us to explore our most taboo desires. It’s a safe space to enjoy our sexuality and release shame, which can be liberating on multiple levels.

Emotionally, engaging in these activities can also foster intimacy between partners, as there’s a huge amount of vulnerability and trust involved in the consensual exchange of control.

Breaking Down the Misconceptions About BDSM

It’s no secret that we live in a pretty sex-negative culture. We constantly receive messages that sex is dirty and bad. And when it comes to sex that falls outside of the socially prescribed, exhaustingly heteronormative framework—well, let’s just say there’s an actual eff-load of misinformation to weed through.

Let’s unpack some of the misunderstandings that people have about BDSM, because being armed with (actually useful!) information can make play much more accessible, pleasurable, and less intimidating.

Only traumatized people are into BDSM

Allow us to be very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in this kind of play are no more “depraved” or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else. “The notion that only traumatized people like BDSM is harmful,” Chiaramonte says. “BDSM is a very normal human behavior.” Kink is fun, lots of people enjoy it. It’s simply not that deep.

BDSM is domestic abuse/intimate partner violence

God, this one gets thrown around so much it is truly unreal. BDSM is all about consent, boundaries, and positive intent—sooo, pretty much the exact opposite of abuse.

“Partners negotiate their boundaries and agree to what they are going to do before they do it,” Criss explains. While accidents may happen (because, hello, we’re all humans capable of making mistakes), there is no intent to cause harm or injury to a partner in BDSM.

“Responsible partners have safety protocols in place to prevent this from happening before, during, [and] after any scene,” says Criss. “This means they know what they’re doing and [are aware of] the risks involved. They’ve practiced, learned about anatomy and physiology, keep their first-aid skills up to date, use safe words, and know what sort of aftercare their partner needs.”

You must like pain to enjoy BDSM

“Almost all BDSM can be modified to be done without experiencing any pain at all,” says Chiaramonte. BDSM is about power play dynamics. While pain can be a part of it, it really doesn’t have to be. For example, you might enjoy being blindfolded and having a feather run all over your body by your Dom. It’s not painful, but it’s still BDSM.

What’s more, Criss says that pain isn’t a useful metric in BDSM, and that most practitioners don’t even measure sensation this way. Rather, intensity is a more accurate way of thinking about the BDSM experience. That intense sensation “could be thuddy, stingy, or even feather-light,” says Criss.

BDSM is a fetish

BDSM refers to a variety of sex acts and practices that fall under the broader kink umbrella. A fetish is a specific act or object that a fetishist must engage with during sex in order to be aroused or reach peak arousal state. You might have a fetish for a specific act that falls under the category of BDSM (such as spanking or bondage), but BDSM is a wider range of behaviors, not a fetish in and of itself.

How to Have a Conversation With Your Partner About Wanting to Try BDSM

These conversations can be emotionally fraught and intimidating, but have no fear! Introducing the idea of kink to a partner does not have to be scary. Obviously, how you initiate this convo will depend on your relationship and how comfortable you and your partner(s) are with talking about sex, but here are some general guidelines that should help things go smoothly.

First of all, you’re going to want to have this conversation in a neutral, non-sexual place. This isn’t something you should spring on someone in the middle of sex, or even during foreplay, as your partner may feel pressured. Rather, opt for a time when you’re both relaxed, maybe while lounging at home watching TV or enjoying a nice dinner together.

Chiaramonte says to approach BDSM as a point of interest, something you can unpack together, conversationally. “Something along the lines of ‘I saw/heard of this, and it sounds interesting. I would love to try it. Can we talk about it?’” she suggests.

Encourage your partner to bring their fantasies to the table, too. “An essential part of BDSM is being able to have neutral and honest conversations around our desires,” says Chiaramonte.

Also! It’s okay to acknowledge that these conversations can be a little awkward—and doing so might actually help relieve some of that uncomfy-ness.

How to Start Practicing BDSM as a Beginner

So you’ve had the talk, and now it’s time to get into the good stuff. Here are some ways to start actually dipping those toes into the wide world of BDSM.

Do your research

If a certain BDSM act has piqued your interest, learn all you can about it. Being able to engage with play safely means expanding your knowledge of all it entails. “Curious about shibari and suspension bondage? Take a class! If you’re interested in Florentine flogging, find someone who does this and ask them to show you how,” Criss says. “Learn about the body. Anatomy, physiology, and first aid are essential to make sure you don’t hurt your partner.”

Communicate, communicate, communicate

BDSM can be quite complex and risky, which means every scene needs to be thoroughly negotiated and talked through with partners. “You need to know your own boundaries and respect your partner’s boundaries,” Criss says. This means that we need to be aware of everyone’s limits and work within their confines for the duration of play.

Go shopping for some goodies

Shopping for sex toys together can help you and your partner(s) explore and discuss certain acts or scenes you might be interested in trying out in a fun, lower-pressure environment, says Cooper. It’s a chance to co-create an erotic adventure with your partner, one that can make a potentially intimidating experience feel more playful.

Live by the RACK

In the BDSM world, RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, is king. “In short, this structure explains that safe kink can only be practiced with consent, education, and understanding [of] the risks,” says Chiaramonte. The idea of RACK is not to eliminate all risks (that’s not possible, FYI), but to ensure all parties involved in a particular sex act are aware of the risks and give their informed consent to engage.

Choose a safe word

Safe words are non-sexual words that indicate a boundary has been reached during play. If you’re new to BDSM, you might not know a boundary until you come into contact with it, so it’s important to make communicating those boundaries as easy as possible. “An easy-to-use word can let your play partner know that you’ve reached your limit and need a break from that particular form of erotic play,” says Cooper.

A traffic light system (“red” = stop; “yellow” = proceed with caution; “green” = go), is a common and convenient safe-word option. Some other examples that you can consider yours for the taking right this way.

Start slow

“A lot of people start with blindfolds, light bondage, or a little bit of spanking,” says Criss.< Don’t dive right into the deep end with more extreme practices like breath play, rope play, or other forms of edge play. Many of these more advanced acts require a significant degree of skill and training to practice safely.

Find your people

You can learn a lot about kink by, well, connecting with other kinky people. You might be able to find local kink communities and educators near you to mingle with at events like a “Munch,” aka a casual gathering of kinksters to talk and get to know one another. “BDSM practitioners tend to be into education and community. If there is a group near you, they’re probably hosting play parties, workshops, and mentoring newcomers,” says Criss.

Practice aftercare

BDSM can involve a lot of intense emotions, which means there can be a bit of a “crash” after play. Aftercare is the set of actions we engage in post-play to help everyone return to a state of equilibrium. It can “help ground you after a heady mix of feel-good hormones,” says Cooper

This can include kisses, cuddles, talking about the scene, having a shower together, or tending to bruises or scrapes. You and your partner should discuss the kind of aftercare both of you feel you need and be willing to accommodate those needs accordingly.

If this all seems like kind of a lot, that’s because it is! There is so much to know about BDSM, and getting informed is a crucial first step for anyone interested in exploring the kinkier side of the street. That said, it’s supposed to be fun, and learning and exploring all there is to learn and explore about BDSM is all part of that fun. Wherever you are in your BDSM journey, trust that there is a lot of fun to be had in your future. Go forth and get kinky, my friends.

Complete Article HERE!

How Do I Talk About Kink With My New Partner?

— Sex and dating expert Gigi Engle weighs in with her best tips.

By

Between sh-tty sex education and post-pandemic social anxiety, discussing kink with a lover(s) can be stressful. To help curb those feels, sex and dating expert from 3Fun threesome dating app, Gigi Engle, shared her best advice for having a respectful and kinky conversation with your lover(s).

How do you talk about kinks with a new partner?

Fear and discomfort around bondage and kink typically come out of misunderstanding what BDSM is — and is not. It kind of feels like there is a “people who do kink” camp and then a “vanilla people” camp. It really isn’t this way at all. Kink is super accessible to everyone and a lot of us have either tried it or wanted to. If you’ve been having fantasies about tying your partner up, getting spanked, being spanked or getting blindfolded, that is completely normal.

Do your research to help you understand what’s out there and to hone in on what looks good to you. It will be easier to ask for what you want if you actually *know* what you want to try. If your partner asks, “Why does this appeal to you?” or “What do you want to do?” you should be able to provide a reasonable answer. I suggest checking out the podcasts Sex and Psychology, Why Are People Into That, and The Leather Couch. Also, check out The Knotty Boys, who have great resources on kink.

When do you talk about kinks with new love interests?

This is a complex question without an easy answer. The simplest one: Whenever it feels right for you. If kink is a big part of your sexual identity, it might be a good idea to get this out in the open as soon as possible. This way, you’re not wasting your time. But everyone will have a different and totally valid feeling about when is the right time to talk about this.

What’s a green flag response?

A green flag response is one of openness and curiosity – even if they aren’t game to try BDSM, they should be able to listen to you and offer empathy. Feeling heard and seen are what is most important. They may want to try some things, and they may not, but that doesn’t mean they make you feel badly about the things you desire.

Complete Article HERE!

I Just Started Going to Sex Parties

— Here’s What It’s Like Inside

By Kassie Cloos

When the idea of going to a sex party was first suggested to me, I think I laughed out loud. I imagined such an event would involve hoards of strangers fumbling around naked in a pile in a dark room — something I could barely imagine, let alone consider participating in. At the time, I had just started seeing a therapist who specialized in sex and relationships. I wanted to explore my own sexuality and get more comfortable with my body, but the idea of doing so with or around strangers seemed terrifying.

More recently, something shifted. I talked with friends who were enthusiastic about the excitement and deep connections that sexual exploration at play parties had brought to their lives. They told me about how safe, consent-focused, and welcoming these events were — not to mention fun. I became intensely curious about the experience and started having much deeper and more open conversations about sex with friends and the people I was dating.

“It’s our nature as humans to want to explore aspects of our sexuality,” says Kate DeCoste, a sex and couples therapist at the Love, Sex, and Gender Center in Boulder, CO. “Sexuality is just as natural as breathing.”

Last year, I finally experienced a couple of these parties firsthand, and I’m glad I went. I came away with more confidence and a better vocabulary for discussing what I’m into and what I’m not and for understanding and holding my own boundaries. I’ve talked about the experiences with friends, partners, and my therapist, and I’ve heard a lot of the same questions from everyone — the same questions I had before going, too.

So I asked DeCoste and her colleague Lessey Wentworth, a sex and relationship therapist, to walk me through an expert’s perspective on sex parties. What should you know about going to a sex party if it’s a totally new experience for you? How can you set and hold your boundaries and initiate conversations about consent and expectations? How can you make sure you’re enhancing your relationships — with yourself and/or your partner — rather than adding stress or causing harm?

And, maybe most importantly, how do you even begin to assess whether a sex party is right for you and if now is the right time?

A sex party can be a great place to explore pleasure, DeCoste says, and it can also be a great way to practice setting and communicating desire and boundaries. “I see sex parties, or conscious play parties, as a place to really explore pleasure, fantasy, edges, and boundaries,” she says. “When looking at going to a sex party or a conscious play party, look at it as a practice in sexuality, and an exploration of sexuality, rather than something that is just going to be done.”

Worried it’s weird? Don’t be. Just because you may not know anyone who has told you they’ve been to an event like this doesn’t mean you don’t know anyone who’s gone.

“If everyone is in consent, nothing is weird,” Wentworth says. “The weirdness comes from when people are not in consent or don’t want to be there. It’s totally normal to want to explore sexuality.” In fact, Wentworth highly encourages it. “Please explore sexuality,” she urges. “If this is what calls to you, take the shame off.”

There are a wide variety of sex-positive and sex-focused events that cater to different kinks, fetishes, and sexual orientations, so “what’s it like?” is a bit of a hard question to answer. At one party I went to, the playrooms were separate from a large dance floor. In order to enter a playroom, you had to explain your approach to communication and consent, to make sure everyone stayed safe and comfortable.

While I definitely had moments of feeling a bit overwhelmed or visually overstimulated by everything happening around me, I always felt like I was in control and free to leave.

At a high-end Killing Kittens party I attended with a date, everyone was dressed up in suits, gowns, and masquerade masks. There were hundreds of attendees and three large playrooms where people could have sex or just observe what was going on, and people also engaged in sexual play on the dance floor.

At both events I attended, there were people playing with just one partner and others playing with multiple partners. Some people show up alone or with platonic friends, and others show up with a date. You can go if you’re in a monogamous relationship or if you’re in an open relationship — there’s no expectation to engage with someone you’ve never met.

The people I met were engaging, interesting, and extremely considerate, always checking in with me and those around them to make sure everyone was on the same page.

In conversations with my date and others, everyone did a lot of checking in. We asked, “Is this OK? Would that be OK? Are you OK?” I really appreciated this — and the experience really underscored the idea that consent is sexy. Getting affirmative confirmation that someone is into what you’re doing is really hot, and it can enhance an experience rather than slow it down.

Before I went, I kept hearing stories about how, at kink-focused events, people tend to exhibit better communication skills around sexual consent than the average heteronormative hookup. I was relieved to experience that for myself. While I definitely had moments of feeling a bit overwhelmed or visually overstimulated by everything happening around me, I always felt like I was in control and free to leave. When things felt a bit much, I took a step back and my date and I went to stand by the bar and chat with other people we’d met earlier in the evening.

While both parties I attended served alcohol, you may find it wise to stay sober, especially if you’re intending to play with other people you haven’t met before. Staying sober can help you feel more in control of your decisions and more at ease. “If you’re trying to create [a sense of] safety, absolutely — I think sobriety would be the best way to go,” Wentworth says.

What to Wear to a Sex Party

Usually, there’s a theme or dress code, and as long as you follow the rules, you can dress however you feel the most confident and sexy in your body.

Like me, I met a lot of people who had never attended a sex party before and were simply curious, having found it hard to wrap their head around what goes on at one. To the first party I went to, I wore a short, tight-fitting dress, and I never took it off — I had a lot of fun just chatting with people and seeing how confident everyone looked in their own skin. Some people wore barely there lingerie or fetish gear, and others, like me, could have gotten on public transportation in their outfits without getting a second look. The Killing Kittens party I attended was a New Year’s ball, so I went a little fancier. I wore a long, flowy, but sheer chiffon dress with a pair of wedge sandals — something conservative enough to wear out to dinner in summer. Other people wore dresses and suits that ranged from “smart” to “black tie.” As it got later in the evening, a lot of those dresses started coming off, revealing lacy bras, bustiers, harnesses, and bodysuits.

Whatever you choose to wear, it’s completely fine if you decide to keep your entire outfit on and choose not to engage physically with anyone at all. You always have the option to stop or leave if something doesn’t feel right. Most organized events will have clearly identified staff members you can talk to if you see or hear someone doing something that makes you or someone else uncomfortable or unsafe. You should always speak up in these instances.

How to Talk About Consent and Boundaries With Your Date or Partner

You might have an idea of what you want your evening to look like or how much or how little you want to play with other people. If you’re going to a party with a date, it’s wise to discuss that vision with them before you set off. Maybe you’re comfortable with your date playing with other people, and maybe you’re not — and feeling one way or the other doesn’t mean you’re bad, wrong, or too sensitive. It’s just how you feel. But maybe you think you’re fine with something, and then it turns out you’re not. That’s OK, and it’s important to communicate that, DeCoste says.

“We can only really feel aspects of our boundaries when we are in the space,” DeCoste says. “So we need to look at boundaries as an ongoing conversation, especially when going with someone else.”

She and Wentworth recommend setting up some clear signals with your date ahead of time. This could be a safe word or set of phrases or a system of exploring how you feel — or a combination of all of the above. For example, my date and I talked about a traffic-light system, which we could use to express whether something was a definite yes (green), a hard no (red), or something we were hesitant about and wanted to discuss (yellow).

Wentworth also recommends establishing a nonverbal signal, like a hand sign, to indicate you need to leave or check in with each other. You can also discuss how you and your date express pleasure or hesitation — such as leaning into or away from something or getting louder or quieter. (In a video about consent and boundaries, sexologist Lindsey Doe role plays a conversation about this with sex educator Midori. This is a great place to start for some ideas about expressing what you like and what turns you off.)

How to Know If You’re Ready For a Sex Party

How do you know if you’re ready to go to a sex party? “Well, are we going out of a place of self-love?” DeCoste says. “It’s as simple and complex as that: is this an act of self-love?”

Start by asking yourself two very basic questions: Does the idea of a sex party excite or intrigue you? Do you want to go?

Now, if you’ve got another person in the mix, consider this: how stable is your relationship, and how will this experience further strengthen that bond?

Maybe you’re really into the idea but your partner isn’t, or vice versa. Wentworth cautions couples against introducing play parties into relationships where security or stability is an ongoing challenge. “If you’re not in a secure place in your relationship, it’s probably not the best idea to go,” she says.

Ethical nonmonogamy is probably not going to save a relationship, she adds, and a sex party probably won’t, either. Instead, it’s much better to approach the idea from a place of security and discuss how you think it will add to your relationship or benefit you individually or as partners.

Making sure you’re secure in yourself is key, too.

“Boundaries are so important, and safety is so important,” Wentworth says. “If you’re somebody who tends to steamroll yourself and be out of consent with yourself, and if you’re easily swayed by other people, then a sex party might be a little bit above where you’re at.”

I like this phrase, “being in consent with yourself.” I often find myself trying to people-please and do what I think other people want from me. It can be hard to remember that it’s ultimately an act of love for the people around you to tell them what you need and what you can’t give when it feels hard to say no to something because you’re afraid of disappointing someone. This is as true at a sex party as it is in everyday life: clear and ongoing communication is your best friend.

When in doubt? “Having a therapist is a good idea,” too, Wentworth says.

Complete Article HERE!

A beginner’s guide to sensation play

— You can still get kinky, even if pain isn’t your thing.

By Gigi Engle

When you think of kink and BDSM, what do you imagine? We’re guessing dark dungeons, paddles, crops, black leather, and pain-play. Scenes of spanking and paddling tend to come to mind.

But this perception is rather limiting. It doesn’t take the whole breadth of kink activities into consideration, which can leave a lot of curious would-be kinksters high and dry.

Well, guess what, sexy pals! For those who aren’t into pain-play, kink is still accessible. This is where the glorious art of sensory play — aka sensation play — comes in. “Pain never needs to be involved in sensual sensory play,” explains Dr. Celina Criss(Opens in a new tab), a certified sex coach who specializes in BDSM and GSRD, or gender, sexual, and romantic diversity. “Think gentle touches, delicious flavors, delightful scents, different kinds of light, and beautiful soundtracks. The clothes we wear and the settings we create can be a big part of this sort of play.”

Kink is all about playing with power dynamics. At its core, it is when a submissive partner enthusiastically gives power to the Dominant partner. The give and take is the crux, not the whips and spankings. If we’ve whetted your appetite, keep reading.

With kink misinformation rife on the internet amid the online sexual misinformation crisis, Mashable spoke to reputable kink experts to break down the nuts and bolts of sensory play, what makes it so appealing, and how you can try it for yourself.

What is sensory play?

Sensory play = play that engages the senses.

Meaning, play involving touch, smell, taste, sound, and vision. If this sounds expansive, well, that’s because it is. “Sensory play is deliberately engaging the senses to explore pleasure. This is where we get the word sensual, it can mean nearly anything in a play context,” Criss says.

Sensory play focuses on either enhancing a sense (or senses), or depriving you of a sense in order to heighten the others, “such as using a blindfold so you can’t see,” says Zachary Zane(Opens in a new tab), author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto(Opens in a new tab) and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy(Opens in a new tab).

The appeal of this kind of play is that when we take away a sense — or experience intense stimulation, our brain-body connection gets stronger. It brings heightened awareness. When we experience this kind of hyper-focus, we’re flooded with positive brain chemicals like oxytocin and endorphins. When this play is sexual, it can lead to deep erotic feelings.

How sensory play can be enjoyed without pain

OK, so let’s break down where sensory play and pain play intersect. Pain-play is sensory play — because you are experiencing the pain through tactile sensation. BUT, not all sensory play is pain play. You can think of sensory play as the big umbrella term, with pain play as a subset. People can enjoy both general sensory play and pain play, or they can prefer one or the other. Sensory play goes beyond the tactile and branches into all five senses.

Don’t yuck anyone else’s yum. We’re all just trying to get nasty and enjoy ourselves.

Kink instructor Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new tab), tells us that, “You can enjoy pain-free sensory play with things like massaging, tickling, feeding each other fruit, blindfolding, erotic music, etc. They all play a part in[to] a larger, more sensory experience.”

It’s about curiosity and all of that delicious power play, experienced in a way that brings in sensuality. Kink and pain can work together, but it doesn’t mean they need to go together to be valid. Don’t yuck anyone else’s yum. We’re all just trying to get nasty and enjoy ourselves.

How sensory play is enjoyed

The way your sensory play scene is played out is going to depend entirely on the activities you and your partner want to try, what feels good for you, and your boundaries. Each scene is a highly negotiated, co-constructed experience. No two are perfectly alike because they are as unique as the people engaging in them.

Some examples include:

  • Using a blindfold to remove sight.
  • Covering bodies in whipped cream to be licked off.
  • Bondage (with handcuffs, ropes, harnesses, cages, etc.)
  • Using a feather (or other tool) to caress the skin.
  • Using ice or heat to play with temperature on the skin.
  • Putting on a hood to completely block out light.
  • Massage.
  • Playing with edging.
  • Eating/feeding different fruits or foods.
  • Playing with sex toys.
  • Spanking and paddling in a soft, painless way.

This list is certainly not exhaustive, but it does give you a good picture of what this can look like for those who love it. It’s important to note that play such as spanking and paddling can still be done in a pain-free way. “I can’t emphasize enough that you don’t need to go hard. Light paddling and spanking can go a long way,” Zane tells us. “You really, really do not need to wallop your partner for an enhanced sexual experience.”

If you’re brand new to this play, Chiaramonte suggests creating a “storyline” for the scene. It could look something like this, for example: “Putting on a good playlist and giving your partner a massage. When done and relaxed, blindfold your partner and trail a feather across their body, feed them fruit/chocolate, and maybe run a vibrator around their body (having them tell you which spots feel best). When done with your sensory tools, you can scoop up your partner and hold them to slowly bring them back to reality.”

Are you turned on yet? We are.

Four expert-approved tips for getting started

Get started on your own.

When you’re new to any kind of play, trying it on your own can be a good way to figure out what you like (and what you don’t). Chiaramonte suggests getting a bunch of sensory tools together and experimenting. “A lot like masturbation, we can fine tune our intimate tools if we’ve already explored what we like/don’t like,” she says. Try using each one for ~10 minutes and think about what you did/did not like.

Kink needs to be fully negotiated so that each person has their desires and boundaries respected.

Discuss your desires and boundaries openly.

Once you have a clear idea of what you enjoy and don’t enjoy, you’ll be equipped to have an open and honest discussion with your partner. Kink needs to be fully negotiated so that each person has their desires and boundaries respected. Don’t forget to pick a non-sexual safe word (a word that lets your partner know you’re at a boundary). Check in with your partner occasionally to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves.

Get some tools.

What to play with, when there are infinite choices?! Criss suggests playing with sound and sight to start. Try making a sexy playlist and using a simple blindfold. Staying simple when you’re starting out can make the play feel less overwhelming.

You can also get a massage candle, which heats up to the perfect temperature and then creates a warm, delicious oil you can pour all over your partner for a massage.

If you want to buy some bondage gear, Zane recommends the Bondage Boutique Bound to Please Black Under Mattress Restraint(Opens in a new tab). At less than $50, you can’t go wrong.

Disclaimer: This play needs to be done with care and safety. Learn how to use restraints before going wild with them. The best place to go? Chiaramonte’s rope tying and kink classes. Check them out here(Opens in a new tab).

Stay curious!

And lastly, and possibly most important: Stay curious. This play should be fun and explorative. It can be silly, hot, funny, awkward, and amazing. Be willing to lean into all the emotions it brings and enjoy yourself.

Complete Article HERE!

20 common sexual kinks

— And why it’s totally normal to have a kink

By

  • There’s nothing unusual about having a kink — some evidence suggests half the population has one.
  • A few examples of kinks include bondage, impact play aka spanking, discipline, and role play.
  • Before exploring kinks with your partners, start with consent, communication, and clear boundaries.

As any pleasure-seeker or social scroller knows, a kink isn’t just a knot in your neck. It also refers to your sexual preferences.

“A kink is a sexual interest that is outside of the ordinary,” says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, founder of The Millennial Sexpert and educator with Lovehoney.
Of course, what qualifies as ordinary sex — or vanilla sex — varies by person, as well as cultural context, and so does what qualifies as kinky.

“It’s entirely subjective,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some individuals might say they have a doggy style kink because they like to hit it from the back, for instance. Meanwhile, others might say they’re kinky because whips and chains excite them. Still, about half the population reports having interest in at least one non-vanilla sex act.

Note, however, that a kink is different from a fetish. While a kink expresses an interest in a sexual act, “a fetish is a fixation on an object or body part for sexual gratification,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

To put it simply, a kink is something you do to get turned on, while a fetish is a thing you need to get turned on.

Semantics of kink versus fetish aside, there’s no shortage of things people might be into in the bedroom (or, uh, dungeon). Below, kink educators explain 20 of the most common kinks, outlining why someone might think it’s hot and sharing tips for your own sexperiments.

1. Age gap

An age-gap kink is a kink for role play where adult-aged folks act out, and are turned on by, fantasies that involve a difference in ages, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago.

For instance, one partner might play “baby” and put on a diaper, while the other plays “Mommy” or “Daddy” — this dynamic in particular is known as “daddy dominant–baby girl.” One partner might also pretend to be a college-aged student, while another pretends to be a professor.

“It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,” Deysach says. Any illicit contact or conversations with minors is a felony.

2. Bondage

Bondage is the B in “BDSM.” In full, “the acronym stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, submission/sadism, and masochism,” Deysach says.

At its most distilled, “an individual interested in bondage when they are interested in being restrained or restricted, or restraining or restricting their partner,” says Lisa Finn, a sex educator with sex-toy emporium Babeland.

Bondage can involve anything from ropes and ribbons to zip-ties and saran wrap, and it may appeal to folks for a variety of reasons.

“Some people like the aesthetic of a restrained body, others like the sensation of the bondage material on their skin, and others like the way it reinstates power dynamics,” Finn says.

3. Cock and ball torture

Cock and ball torture, sometimes known simply as CBT (not to be confused with cognitive behavioral therapy), is a fetish marked by the desire to have pain inflicted on your own penis or testicles — or the desire to inflict said pain.

“This pain can be achieved through pulling, stretching, or even stepping on one’s bits,” Deysach says.

CBT may also involve the use of cock cages, urethral sounding, genital flogging, and more, and she says.

4. Cuckolding

Someone has a cuckolding kink when they enjoy watching their partner have sex with other people — either in the same room, or via Facetime or video, Deysach says.

Historically, the term was used specifically to refer to married men who wanted to watch their wives have sex with other men, but according to Deysach, the term can be applied to folks of any gender, sexuality, or marital status.

“The thrill of watching your lover have sex with another person is something that folks across the gender spectrum can find exciting and kinky,” Deysach says.

Typically, when someone uses the term cuckold, it implies that humiliation is involved, she says. For some people, the act of watching a partner have sex with someone else — for instance, someone with a larger penis or more sexual skills — is humiliating, and it’s this emotional sensation that turns them on.

“But for others it can be a more open term just to refer to the thrill of watching your lover partner with another while you sit on the sidelines,” she says.

5. Discipline

According to Finn, discipline is a form of roleplay where certain acts are framed as “corrective” or as “punishment.”

This kink often involves a more dominant partner setting rules or expectations for a more submissive partner— and if the more submissive partner breaks those rules, there are consequences, Finn says.

These consequences can include physical acts like spanking or other impact play or mental and emotional acts like humiliation or testing their partner, according to Finn.

To be super-duper clear: “Disciplinary play is a form of roleplay — it shouldn’t actually be used as a way to resolve conflict with real-world repercussions,” Finn says.

6. Dominance

The D in BDSM can also stand for “dominance.”

Dominance is the act of consensually taking control or holding the power in a scene or sexual dynamic with their partner, Finn says.

While a dominant partner plays the role of “Large and In Charge,” the submissive partner should still always have autonomy over the situation, Finn says. For instance, they may negotiate the scene before play and use safewords and gestures throughout.

7. Erotic asphyxiation

Erotic asphyxiation, AKA breath play, is the act of controlling how much access you have to oxygen for the sake of power, play, and pleasure.

“When someone is choking you, they could seriously hurt you, even kill you,” says sex educator Zachary Zane, author of “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto” and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. This involves an element of absolute submission to that partner, he says.

Many people also enjoy the physical sensations often associated with being deprived of air, such as tingling, a spreading warmth, and quickened heart rate.

“There’s a high many people experience from it when they do finally get a gulp of air,” he says.

8. Foot fetish

A foot fetish is marked by a sexual interest in feet, which can be the entirety of the foot or focused specifically on the toes, arch of the foot, or ankle.

Some people are turned on by servicing feet, Frye-Nekrasova says, which can be accomplished with a foot massage or at-home pedicure, for instance. Other people are turned on by the idea of doing something “dirty” — feet, after all, are usually the part of the body that touches the ground and dirt beneath.

“There are so many ways to incorporate feet into your sex life,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some people like to give a footjob, which is essentially a handjob with your feet, she says. “Meanwhile, other people enjoy the sensation of having their toes sucked, or sucking,” she says.

9. Hentai

“Hentai refers to a specific type of Japanese illustration that often depicts overtly sexual scenes and scenarios,” Deysach says.

A popular porn genre, hentai erotica often features tentacled beings, monsters, and other-worldly creatures.

“There is often an element of force and control associated with hentai porn,” Zane says. For instance, hentai-inspired fantasy could involve an octopus forcing all of its tentacles inside the receiver’s hole(s).

10. Impact play

Impact play is the broad name for sex that involves the use of hands, paddles, whips, flogs, or crops on a partner’s meatiest, or most nerve-dense, parts.

“Impact types of play can involve light playful actions or more serious and painful sensations,” Deysach says. Depending on what the consenting parties have agreed to, the impact can be a form of punishment or just delivered as part of sensational play.

For some people, for instance, a light smack on the bum while riding their partner’s dick or dildo is adequate. Meanwhile, someone else might want to be smacked with a paddle hard enough that it leaves marks.

11. Knismolagnia

The word ‘knismolagnia’ may bring to mind mystery meat, but it’s actually the name for a tickling fetish.

Folks with this fetish are turned on by the sensation of being tickled by anything from human fingers and feathers, to vibrators or electrical stimulation toys.

In some instances, the person being tickled is also tied down, but not always, Finn says.

“A tickling fetish is unique because someone is smiling and laughing while they’re being tickled, even though it is uncomfortable and intense. There really isn’t any other kink where your body responds to discomfort with a reflexive laugh,” Zane says.

So generally, tickling is considered a more “playful” kink, though it can be very intense.

12. Lactation

Being very into a lover’s body fluids is quite common — and for some people, breast milk is one of those fluids.

“Some people find the miraculousness of the human body’s ability to create milk arousing. Other people are turned on by the rarity of the experience, since lactation generally only happens after a baby is born,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

According to Frye-Nekrasova, a lactation kink may also be tied to an age gap or age play kink, where someone feels aroused at the thought of pretending to be a breast-fed baby once again.

13. Masochism

The M in BDSM and the complement to sadism, “masochism is the act of erotic enjoyment in experiencing pain, humiliation, or intense sensation, ” Finn says.

The mental or physical pain associated with masochism can be delivered by yourself or by a partner, they say.

14. Pregnancy

Even though penis-in-vagina intercourse is (usually) required for an individual to become pregnant, there’s still stigma around pregnant people being sexual, Deysach says.

According to Deysach, some people are aroused by that stigma and feel naughty when they’re turned on by pregnant folks.

“Other people might have had a particularly electric sexual experience with someone who was pregnant and now mentally associate pregnancy and hot sex,” she says.

Pregnancy kinks can also include the eroticization of lactation, darkened nipples, swollen ankles, or any other signs and symptoms of pregnancy, she says.

15. Role play

Role play is a common kink that involves pretending to be someone other than who you really are.

“There are lots of reasons why someone might want to try role playing — for some people, it’s as simple as a desire to try something new and infuse a little excitement into their sex life,” Deysach says.

According to Deysach, shedding your day-to-day persona and “becoming” someone else can be a way to let go and enjoy sex more.

“It can be a thrill and it can be a comfort,” Deysach says.

16. Sensation play

Sensation play is the broad name for types of touch that involve stimulating your nerve endings in unique ways.

Sensation play can be done by experimenting with different temperatures — for instance, with candles, wax, or ice cubes, Finn says.

It can also be explored by teasing your nerves with tools like Wartenberg wheels, feather ticklers, or electrical stimulation wands, they say.

17. Tentacles

A tentacle kink refers to someone being turned on by the idea of being penetrated or otherwise sexually engaging with tentacles or creatures that have tentacles, Deysach says.

For some people, the eroticism comes from the slipperiness or the tactile idea of a tentacle, she says.

“For others the tentacle fantasy is connected to fantasies of being restrained by or being ‘forced’ into sexual situations by an otherworldly creature,” she says.

18. Urethral sounding

“Sounding is a sexual practice of inserting metal rods into the urethra,” says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon with The Sex Toy Collective.

While urethral sounding can be performed on anyone with a urethra, it’s most commonly performed on the penis. The head of the penis is incredibly nerve-dense, and stimulating those nerves through urethral stimulation can be pleasurable for some people.

Plus, if you go deep enough you can touch the prostate, which may, in some cases, lead to a prostate orgasm.

19. Voyeurism

Voyeurism is a fetish where you get sexual gratification by watching other people engage in sex. It’s considered a complement to exhibitionism, where you find it arousing to have sex while other people watch.

Ethically and legally speaking, this kink can get tricky. “Folks spying on others without consent is a crime,” Deysach says.

However, it’s possible to set up consensual scenarios where you observe others having sex, she says. Consensual voyeurism could include attending sex parties, kink festivals, hiring a cam girl, or paying multiple sex workers.

20. Wax play

Sure, you’ve heard of lighting candles to set a mood — but wax play goes beyond creating an ambiance. Wax play is a type of sensation play that involves dripping wax onto your partner, or having it dripped onto you.

Some people are into wax play because it feels like dancing with danger, others are into it because the heat of the wax feels erotic when juxtaposed to the cool air of the bedroom.

Insider’s takeaway

Sex, no matter where it falls on the vanilla to kinky spectrum, is designed to bring pleasure — and that holds true whether sex is solo, partnered, or multi-partnered.

Adding elements of kink can be a wonderful way to infuse even more pleasure, intimacy, and spice into your sexy time.

Just be sure you and any potential partner(s) you’re exploring your kinks with prioritize consent, communication, and education over all else. “Before you try any kink, it’s best to educate yourself on how to explore that kink safely,” Finn says.

In a partnered setting, you also want to communicate about your individual limits and boundaries before getting down and dirty. Then, communicate from start to fireworks, they say. Communication, after all, is a prerequisite for pleasure.

Complete Article HERE!

Okay, So You’re Kind of, Sort of Interested in Trying Role-Play

— What Next?

By Gabrielle Kassel

Role-playing, or acting out a particular scenario or scene, isn’t just something you do with a friend before breaking up with your sensitive beau, or with a career mentor before asking for a raise. Role-play can also be used to transport any of your sexual encounters from stale to stimulating, boring to bonkers (in a good way, that is).

In a sexual sense, role-play is a term encompassing any sexual act that involves an element of “pretend,” fantasy, or make-believe for the sake of pleasure, according to Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at sex-toy company Good Vibrations. To name just a few examples, sexy role-play can involve faking an accent, putting on a costume, using a thematic prop, going by a different name, pretending to be somebody else entirely, or acting out a particular power dynamic, she explains.

At a basic level, role-play can function as a way to infuse a little something new into your sex life, much like using a new vibrator might, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of education-focused sex shop Early to Bed, in Chicago. For some, however, role-play is also a gateway into BDSM, says Dr. Queen. “Roles can offer real context for BDSM [set-ups] that, without the roles, might seem hard to get into,” she says. Consider, for instance, how a dominant and submissive power dynamic might be easier to adopt if the person who’s going to be dominant takes on a teacher role, and the submissive acts as the student.

“Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot…sex they want to have deep down.” —Searah Deysach, sex educator

There’s also an element of role-play that can unlock more carefree sex, particularly if you’re someone who struggles to see yourself in a sexual light. “Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot, raunchy, or kinky sex they want to have deep down,” says Deysach.

No matter why you’re curious to try role-play or how it might serve your sexual goals, it can be tough to go from wanting it or imagining it to actually, well, doing it with a sexual partner(s). Below, sex educators break down how to turn any role-play fantasy into your sexual reality.

How to add role-play into your sex life with confidence, according to sex educators

1. Figure out your fantasy

If you’re reading this because you have a fully fleshed-out fantasy that you want to act out but just don’t know where to start, skip ahead to step two. But if you just think role-play could be a fun way to jazz up your bedroom activities and haven’t given it much dedicated thought beyond that, you’ll want to start by noodling on the kind of role you’d like to, well, play.

For inspiration, consider your recent porn search history, movie scenes you find particularly sexy, favorite erotica novels, or the kinds of audio erotica that really get you going, suggests Deysach.

Drawing a blank? Spend a few minutes rolling the below popular role-play ideas around in your brain and body. If you feel a little tingle or jolt thinking about any of these, that could be a sign that you’ve found something you want to try.

  • Boss/employee
  • Nurse/patient
  • Massage therapist/client
  • Plumber/stay-at-home parent
  • Firefighter/person in need of rescuing
  • Savior/damsel (or dame) in distress
  • Player/virgin

2. Talk about sex, generally speaking

It will be tough to strike up a conversation about sexual role-play with a partner if you don’t really talk about sex, period. That’s why Dr. Queen suggests first fostering a culture of open communication about sex with any sexual partner, more generally.

“Start by adding sex talk wherever you can,” says Dr. Queen. This can be simple—for instance, telling a partner, “I really liked when you did x last night” the morning after a pleasure-filled romp. Or, you can ask a question to get a sex conversation going, like, “Do you have any sexual fantasies that you’d like to try?” And if you’re not getting much in the way of a response, consider volunteering your own fantasies by asking, “Want to hear mine?” Leading with vulnerability can spark vulnerability in return.

If talking openly about your own sex life just feels too intimidating, start by discussing sex when it appears in the news, or by talking about celebrity relationships, Dr. Queen suggests. “Once you get comfortable chatting about the kind of sex you imagine, say, Pete Davidson and whomever he is currently dating have, you may feel more confident talking about your own sex life,” she says.

3. Make a “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner

When you’re comfortable with sex talk, level up to sex activities. To start, Dr. Queen suggests making a date night out of writing a sexual “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner. Just like it sounds, this list involves placing any number of different sexual acts, fantasies, toys, and positions into a “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” column based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

“You and your partner(s) can each make your own list, then compare lists to figure out what you might want to add to your sex lives,” says Dr. Queen. If both of your lists slot “role-play” in either the “Yes” or “Maybe” column, you can use that as a stepping stone to talk about what elements of sexual role-play intrigue you and why, and to share role-play fantasies.

4. Discuss role-playing in more detail

There’s a B-I-G difference between dirty talking in a fake British accent and greeting a partner in bed with a stethoscope around your neck and latex gloves sheathing your hands. In other words, agreeing to role-play with a partner isn’t enough to get started; you need to get specific about who, why, and when you’ll be role-playing, says Dr. Queen.

To do so, consider asking each other the below questions:

  • What are some names you do (or do not) want to be called?
  • What are some costumes or outfits you want to wear (or take off me)?
  • What tone of voice do you want to use (or hear)?
  • When is the scene over?
  • How will you signal if you want to exit the scene early?
  • What aftercare practices should we implement after trying this?

“As with any new sexy thing that you want to try, being direct and honest with your lover is usually the best approach,” says Deysach. Let them know what you want to experience, and give them an opportunity to share their desires, too.

If they express hesitation, avoid pressuring them to say “yes,” but don’t give up all hope, either, says Deysach. “You might instead offer [role-play] as something to think about and then plan to revisit it in the future.”

5. Get educated on safe role-play practices

If your role-play fantasy veers into BDSM territory—for example, involving power imbalance, consensual non-consent, choking, breath restriction, or the like—you’d be wise to spend some time learning about how to safely explore these kinks before acting, says Dr. Queen.

The book The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino and the podcast Why Are People Into That?! with Tina Horn are good starting points. You might also look into taking an online or in-person workshop on the topic of role-play or BDSM from a sex-positive sex education brand like Babeland, Hacienda, or Velvet Lips, or from sex therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT.

6. Order any on-theme props you might need (or want)

No, you don’t need to drop coin on a sexy costume, nor do you need to order an on-theme dildo to match your role-play fantasy. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that these detail-oriented additions can certainly add to the overall experience, taking it from cerebral to corporeal. So, if you have rainy-day savings, fund your fantasy by ordering, for example, a tentacle dildo or a nurse get-up.

7. Keep it simple

If you want your sexual role-play experience to be as elaborate as, say, a Games of Thrones set, go for it. But it’s also important to acknowledge that it doesn’t have to be. Phew. “You and your partner can have a role-play experience where you do not change anything from your typical sexual encounter except what you wear or what you call each other,” says Dr. Queen.

For your first time, in particular, it may be useful to remove the pressure of setting the scene or deviating drastically from your typical sexual setup, and just keep it simple, instead, says Dr. Queen. This can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed (which is not exactly a sexy emotion).

8. Start digitally

Virtual sex isn’t just a good option for when you’re navigating a positive COVID test or just being COVID-conscious; it’s also a great medium for experimenting with role-play for the first time.

“Many may find that slipping into a new role in the digital realm can be very fulfilling,” says Deysach. Text, in particular, can be a good modality for role-play beginners because it gives everyone involved the gift of time between responses to craft a scene and dialogue that feels hot and well-aligned with the roles in question. Just make sure you and a partner agree on when you’ll be starting the virtual role-play ahead of time so that they know what is going on when they start receiving texts from a new persona, Deysach adds.

9. Consider working with a sex professional

Single? Polyamous but don’t have a partner who is game for role-play? Consider hiring a sexuality professional, suggests Deysach. Phone-sex operators, virtual doms/dommes, and in-person sex workers are very skilled at role playing and can help facilitate the role-play scene of your dreams, she says.

A professional is a particularly sound option for individuals who have a very specific fantasy they want to act out, as well as those who want to make love to a very particular character, adds Deysach. After all, so long as it respects the sex professional’s boundaries, the scene you enact doesn’t have to align with their sexual tastes in the way that it would with those of a sexual partner.

Complete Article HERE!

Are fetishes acquired or inherited?

— On the origin of fetishes

By

Fetishes are non mainstream sexual interests in non genital body parts, inanimate objects, or behaviours. But why do some people have fetishes while others do not? Are fetishes acquired, inherited, or both? This topic is debatable, but evidence suggests that fetishes may be inherited.

What are fetishes?

Using an extensive sample survey, Claudia Scorolli — an associate professor and researcher in the Department of Philosophy and Communication Studies at the University of Bologna — and her colleagues classified the objects of fetishism into three categories and six subcategories. The three categories are body, objects, and behaviours.

The six subcategories are parts or features of the body like feet or weight — including body modifications like tattoos; an object usually in association with the body, like shoes or headphones; an object not usually associated with the body like dirty dishes or candles; a person’s own behavioural habits like biting fingernails; the behaviour of other persons like smoking; and interactional behaviours like domination, humiliation, and roleplay.

Some may think fetishes are rare, as they are non mainstream sexual excitements. However, recent findings counter this belief. In a 2016 study of 1,040 Canadians, 26 per cent of participants reported engaging in some form of fetish activities at least once in their lives.

In other studies, over 60 per cent of male college students and more than 50 per cent of female college students reported fantasizing about a behavioural fetish known as BDSM — bondage, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism. These results may make it less embarrassing to admit and discuss fetishes.

Despite these statistics, fetishism was once considered to be a mental illness, similar to non heteronormative sexualities and non cisgender identities. But now, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, fetishism is considered a disorder only when it causes “significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Gloria Brame, a sexologist and self-proclaimed fetishist, iterates that fetishism isn’t a hobby, but a legitimate sexual identity instead.

Unfortunately, fetishism researcher Giselle Rees has found that people with fetishes are still stigmatized and discriminated against as unhealthy, sick, or ‘crazy.’ Rees explains that one popular myth about people with fetishes is that they “need their fetish to have sex.” As such, those with fetishes are considered “abnormal.” However, Rees explains that people with fetishes can regularly engage in and enjoy conventional intercourse without their fetish.

What causes fetishes?

While initial theories claimed that fetishes resulted from early life experiences, later experiments contradict this thesis.

In 1966, Stanley Rachman — a psychologist at the Institute of Psychiatry, Maudsley Hospital and former professor emeritus in the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia — conducted a study to investigate whether a fetish was a conditioned response. Participants were first shown photographs of naked women, followed by a picture of women’s black boots. Following this, the image of black boots was found to induce sexual arousal successfully.

Anthropologist Katharine Gates theorizes that some fetishes are a result of simulation of the brain circuit involving smell and memory. Since the olfactory, memory, and emotion centres of the brain are tightly connected, a certain smell could become a trigger that connects with emotional contents and memories. This theory may explain air freshener fetishes, as well.

Further, neuroscientist Vilayanaur Ramachandran provides a neurological explanation for foot fetishes. In the brain, sensory information from the feet is processed adjacent to sensory information from the genitals. In this regard, there may be some “neural crosstalk” between these two brain areas. Fetishization is less likely to occur for body parts whose cortical representations are far from that of the genitals.

Do fetishes have a genetic component?

Fetishes tend to be permanent. In their 2007 paper, Scorolli and her team proposed that body-related fetishes may be genetic, while object-related fetishes may be more related to early-life events.

A behavioural fetish may reflect an individual’s personality. An example of such a personality trait is sensation-seeking. The Kinsey Institute’s research fellow Justin Lehmiller identified a pattern of interest in BDSM fetish among sensation-seekers.

Sensation seeking has a genetic basis related to the dopamine receptor D4 (DRD4) gene, which encodes the dopamine receptors that receive and relay biochemical signals from dopamine. A rare mutation of the DRD4 gene with 7-repeat sequences (7R) results in a version of the gene that encodes dopamine receptors less sensitive to dopamine. This means that people with the DRD4 7R+ allele need to participate in more thrilling activities to achieve the same level of pleasure as someone with the normal DRD4 gene.

Besides sexual fetishes, the DRD4 gene also influences several sexual behaviours, such as virginity status, sexual fantasies, sexual unfaithfulness to a committed partner, extra-relationship sex partners, and sexual novelty. In general, compared to individuals with the normal DRD4 allele, those with 7R+ are more active in sex and have more risky sexual behaviours.

This shows that there might be interesting evidence about behavioural fetishes as they relate to personality traits and their genetic basis, but more evidence is needed to corroborate and strengthen this relationship. For now, it appears that early life experiences, learned behaviour, neurological connections, and genetics all contribute to fetishism. With the progressive destigmatization of fetishism, there will likely be more research about the origin of fetishes.

Complete Article HERE!

I’m a dominatrix who loves to take control in the bedroom.

— BDSM helped me heal my sexual trauma and made me more confident.

Elizabeth Ayoola is a domme.

By Elizabeth Ayoola

  • After years of vanilla sex, I decided to explore BDSM and become a dominatrix.
  • BDSM helped me take back control in the bedroom and reinforce consent.
  • Being a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and became an act of self-care.

Post-divorce, I wanted to hit the reset button on everything, including my sex life. At 31, I realized I hadn’t yet experienced the type of sex worthy of being included in the pages of my future memoir.

After much introspection, I discovered that sexual shame and misogyny were in the way of my tapping into my sexual prowess. Foresight didn’t tell me that using whips, wax, and ropes and becoming a domme would kick-start my journey to sexual liberation and healing.

My life before BDSM was anything but kinky

When I reflect on my 20s, I have flashbacks to lots of passive sex. I was a missionary princess, and once in a blue moon I’d drive the boat. Many times I wasn’t an active participant. I did just enough to satisfy my partner but wasn’t confident enough to ask for what I needed or to surrender to my sexual urges.

I realized two things contributed to this. One was my internalized misogyny and beliefs about how women should present themselves sexually. The second was my sexual trauma.

Most of my sexual partners were misogynistic men who saw any sign of sexual liberation as promiscuity. As a 20-something, I so desperately wanted to be “wifey” material, so the fear of being judged kept me from coloring outside the lines. Growing up staunchly Christian and in a household that wasn’t sex-positive cemented my beliefs that sex had to be done in conventional ways and that sexual pleasure primarily belonged to men.

Additionally, having been sexually abused and having traumatic sexual experiences made me feel sexual shame and made it difficult to advocate for myself during sex.

Curiosity and a desire for healing led me to explore BDSM

During my quest to rebuild my life and reinvent myself, I became more curious about exploring what was holding me back sexually. That curiosity and perhaps fate made me type “sexual trauma and BDSM” into Google. Lo and behold, a study popped up that identified a nexus between the two. An article in the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy suggested that people who experienced sexual and childhood abuse could use kink to help them heal and cope. Though I’d once thought BDSM was only for sadists, the study opened me up to the idea.

A few months later, an opportunity arose for me to enter the world of BDSM. It all started when a mystery man with no picture on a dating app messaged me, writing, “You look like a goddess.” My mind traveled back to the study I’d read a few months earlier and to my desire to explore BDSM. This seemed like a divine opportunity to act on my curiosity.

I had a hunch that being a domme could help me be more confident, assertive, and comfortable when asking for what I needed. So I decided that he was right and that I would become a goddess.

Becoming a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and reclaim my power

The transition from having submissive vanilla sex to becoming a dominant goddess who was in charge in the bedroom was fascinating. Being a domme is about psychologically and/or physically dominating your partner during BDSM activities. Also known as a dominatrix, a domme like to be in charge — that’s when I feel most powerful. It’s also important to note that a domme can dominate both inside and outside the bedroom.

For the first time in my life, I felt powerful. I had the right to say yes to what I wanted and no to what didn’t feel safe and pleasurable.

“In BDSM, it’s an exchange of power play that involves trust between the person who’s considered to be the submissive and the person who’s considered to be the dominant partner,” Shamyra Howard, a sexologist who specializes in BDSM and nontraditional relationships, told Insider. “During this exchange of trust and power play, something powerful happens with a person who has been sexually abused in that they feel in control.”

The consent element — a key component of BDSM — was healing for me, too. My partner’s giving me consent to dominate him and my having him ask for consent to engage with me made me feel safe. I felt safe enough to be present sexually and finally felt like my body belonged to me.

Something about controlling my partner’s orgasms, having my pleasure prioritized, telling my partner what to wear, and being called a goddess was healing and transformative. A few months in, I watched myself go from a performative domme fumbling around with a whip to a natural, confident domme.

Being a domme has made me more confident and assertive in all areas of my life

Participating in BDSM and becoming a domme has been instrumental in teaching me how to say no and be more assertive.

For instance, I had to get better at telling my partner to kiss my feet and telling him how versus asking him. This practice has made it progressively easier for me to be direct and ask for what I need at work and in other relationships in my life.

Setting boundaries is another thing I’ve gotten better at since becoming a domme. I’ve always been afraid to say “no,” “stop,” or “I don’t like that.” But before engaging in any type of BDSM, it’s important to discuss boundaries on both sides and reinforce them during a session when necessary.

Howard says BDSM, where the rules center on boundaries, can help people who struggle with boundaries outside the bedroom see that they’re “necessary to ensure their safety in other areas of life.”

My journey to BDSM has been exciting, awkward, fulfilling, and full of learning curves. I’ve been able to create a safe space for myself sexually within the confines of direct orders, self-orchestrated sex scenes, and hard nos.

For the first time in my life, I can enjoy pleasure on my terms, free of self-judgment and shame. I can confidently say that giving myself permission to explore BDSM and accept my true, dominant self has been one of the highest and most liberating forms of self-love.

Complete Article HERE!

A beginner’s guide to understanding Dom/sub dynamics

— Want to try kink but don’t know where to start?

By Gigi Engle

If you’ve been wanting to try kink but aren’t sure where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

There are hundreds (probably thousands) of guides out there to kink, but they often don’t focus on the building blocks of healthy kink relationships.

We need to walk before we can run, you know?

Enter the foundational layer of kink: The Dom/sub dynamic, or D/s. “Dominance and submission is the general container for almost all kinks,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new window), a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

Understanding what the Dom/sub dynamic is, how it functions, and how to negotiate around it in your own relationship(s) is key to creating the kinky sex life of your dreams. It is the base layer. It is the fundamental configuration of role play.

Once you have a solid grasp on D/s, the rest — the whips, chains, blindfolds, sitting in Jell-O, using fake blood, etc. —can be built on top. We’re not here to yuck anyone else’s yum when it comes to your kinks, but we do want you to be confident in how to act on them.

Here’s everything you need to know.

What the Dom/sub dynamic actually is.

While Dom/sub dynamics are primarily found in kink, they actually play out in most forms of sex. One person is usually the more submissive partner, while the other is more dominant. But within the context of BDSM, these dynamics become even more explicit. BDSM stands for bondage, Dominance/Dominant, submissive/submission, and sadomasochism. This is when two or more people engage in consensual power exchange. The sub willingly hands over the power within the scene to the Dominant.

The key word here is “consent.”

“BDSM provides a framework for individuals to engage in [this] consensual power exchange,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali(Opens in a new window), a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast.

The key word here is “consent.” Kink is all about giving and taking power in an empowered way. “Since consent is the cornerstone of these practices, it provides an opportunity to ensure [that] the person surrendering control and the person in charge stay within the sexual boundaries they’ve set,” Moali adds.

How D/s can play out in BDSM scenes.

D/s dynamics will play out in every kinky scenario, because it is the core of the practice. But how it shows up is another story. This is one of the things that makes kink so appealing. You can completely customize an experience to cater to your specific interests.

Some examples of Dom/sub relationships:

  • A classic D/s bondage scene: The Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This usually entails punishment, sensory play, etc. Think: 50 Shades of Gray, but not shit.
  • A caretaking scene: The Dom “takes care” of the sub. The sub is called a Little in this dynamic.
  • A Dom/brat scene: The sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” the Dom in order to receive punishments.
  • A Master/pet: The Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

Chiaramonte explains that the paddles, crops, and ropes are about deepening the bond between the Dom and their sub. “A Dom may consensually practice bondage with their submissive to deepen their power practice,” she explains. “Bondage in this scenario can be used as a punishment, a reward, or a sensory experience to show who’s boss in a safe way.”

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

But nurturing a Dom/sub dynamics is not entirely relegated to the sphere of pain play. Kink can involve sensory play, elaborate pain-free role play, and much more. These scenes are made by the two or more people playing them out. It is a unique and fully bespoke experience.

Negotiating boundaries within a Dom/sub dynamic.

The sub is not under the Dominant’s coercive control. They are an equal member in the power exchange. That means that BDSM and kink and are all about negotiation. “The discussion you have before play is the place to express boundaries you both have, your expectations, and to set the stage for consent,” Chiaramonte says. “This helps create healthy boundaries before entering a dynamic.”

Moali says that while you should be “sure you have a ‘safe word’ that you may use during the scene to immediately halt any actions, it is [also] important to have periodic conversations about your boundaries.” When you’re new to BDSM, you may not be entirely sure of every boundary you have. Feeling like you’re safe to explore edges with the ability to say “no” when something isn’t right is key.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first. While all boundaries and scenes are negotiated, the Dom takes on a lot of responsibility within this dynamic. They are responsible for the sub’s safety — both mentally and physically. If you’re taking on a Dom role, you need to be extra-aware of the care you need to take to ensure the sub’s boundaries are respected. As a Dom, you have been given the reins to control the scene. And this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first, Chiaramonte says. “If someone asks to play before setting any sort of negotiation and boundaries, [that’s a] red flag,” she explains.

This does not mean that the sub does not have power. Everything is highly negotiated and supplemented by the use of a safe word. A safe word is a non-sexual agreed upon word or phrase that indicates the sub has reached their limit. Once a safe word is invoked, the play stops – either entirely or for a break.

The importance of aftercare post-kink play.

BDSM and kink scenes come with the need for a great deal of concentration, a lot of emotional intensity, and physical requirements (such as dealing with pain, tying knots, etc.). “When we get deep into sub-space or dom-space, we experience a high nearly identical to that of drugs: We’re stimulated, [have] heightened emotions, and can feel in another dimension,” Chiaramonte tells us.

Subspace has been described as similar to a deep meditative state — which research shows(Opens in a new window) can feel incredibly therapeutic and has lots of psychological benefits. But because this meditative state in kink can be highly emotive, we need to take post-play into consideration. You need to take some time to “come down” from the scene.

This is where aftercare comes in.

Aftercare is when the Dom and sub have some connection time. This can look like cuddling, bringing the sub a glass of water, talking through the scene, and much more. As with boundary negotiation, you’ll need to take time to figure out what kind of aftercare you and your partner(s) need.

Aftercare is crucial when doing BDSM because it allows us to return to a state of equilibrium and calm after particularly intense scenes. “Engaging in aftercare fosters a sense of trust as well as providing a sense of connection,” Moali says.

Aftercare isn’t always just the Dom taking care of the sub. Sometimes the Dom has big post-scene emotions as well. We all need care after emotionally complex experiences; having empathy for that can make your kink experiences so much better.

Learning new dynamics is rewarding.

The D/s dynamics in kink (and all sex) can be incredibly rewarding and offer an enriching way to view your sexuality and sexual experiences. Taking time to fully grasp the complexity and nuance associated with the roles we play in sex offers us greater insight into who we are as humans.

Complete Article HERE!

A Guy Who Says a Successful Threesome Is All About Communication

Andy, 31, talked to GQ about not understanding when people are hitting on him, coming out, and getting involved with straight guys.

By

My first sexual experience was when I was younger. An older kid was pretending to wrestle me and kind of did some hump action—I wasn’t sure what that was, I just knew it felt great. I was conflicted about that for years, and then I became an adult and I was like, “Oh well, that was definitely, you know, a mild form of molestation.”

My first consensual experience was when I was about 17 or 18. It was literally just a friend and I jacking off together and some oral. We came back from a high school dance. Another friend had as much of an after party as you can have in high school, and he had some beers and we’d each had like, half a beer, and we were like, “Oh we’re so drunk,” even though we weren’t. We just kind of locked eyes. I wasn’t out to him, he wasn’t out to me, but I was just like, “Hey, do you want to try something?” and he was like, “Well it depends on what it is you’d like to try.” I remember verbatim his word choice. And I was like, “Well, maybe I should just do it and if you like it, cool and if you don’t, tell me to stop.” And I got on my knees and opened his bands and he ended up being way more into it than I was, which was surprising. He wanted to escalate into something further, but we were kids who didn’t know what they were doing.

When I was in college I was just so… I wouldn’t say innocent, but I was just so inexperienced that oftentimes when people would be blatantly flirting with me and I had no idea. I went to a pretty small college in Kansas; there were like 8,000 people collectively for undergrad and graduate programs. And so like I had very little experience and so while I was navigating that I had plenty of opportunities to do more than what I actually did. I was still somewhat prudish, because I had no idea what it was that I liked or didn’t like. One time a super hot country guy came up to me at a bar where I was with some of my buddies. He was like, “Hey can I buy you a drink?” and I was like “Sure” and then he comes back with the drink and he’s like “Hey do you want to go duck hunting some time?” And I’m like, “I’m black; I don’t duck hunt.” It took several occasions of my friends being like “I think that guy’s hitting on you.”

I’d say the vast majority of my experiences have been with men who identify as straight or men who know they’re gay, but who are on the DL. You know, straight people don’t have to come out. And so I don’t feel like gay people should have to come out. Come out to the people you feel comfortable coming out to. But most importantly, you come out to yourself and you work through how you feel about yourself. And if you’ve done that work, that’s what’s most important to me. Like we don’t have to skip into the sunset. We don’t have to parade around doing PDA. None of that’s very important to me. I just want to know that the people that are closest to you in life, like your family or friends that they know about us—that’s really my only requirement for anything monogamous or long term.

I understand that not everybody is worth exploring monogamy with and not everyone is capable of it. I can get with a DL guy and maybe the sex will be good, but it doesn’t necessarily correlate with my worth or his worth. It’s just something that I need in that moment, because I’m feeling sexual, and that’s all that it has to be. Whereas I could date a guy who’s in the closet, and I think what’s most important for me is that he’s comfortable with who he is.

There was a super hot Italian guy from when I lived in Kansas. We met off Scruff or Grindr, and we hooked up on and off for about five years. The last time we hooked up was at the start of the pandemic. And he was super great at everything, don’t get me wrong. But he was still trying to date women while we were hooking up. He’d get into a relationship with a woman and then I wouldn’t hear from him for a few months, and then they’d break up and he’d hit me up. Once he even hit me up when he was still with her and I was like, “Are you single yet?” because I don’t want that karma.

I remember being surprised because he was one of the straight guys I’ve been with who was just really, really good at everything we did, but then sometimes he’d get weird about kissing. And then sometimes in the middle of sex he’d go into like overdrive and just do everything he wanted to do and it almost seemed like he had a mental block that had been lifted. Once after we hooked up, he’d gotten off and I was on top masturbating, getting ready to get myself off and he started to close his eyes and I kind of laughed and asked why and he was like, “Oh Catholic guilt.” We talked about it afterward while we were showering together. He was like, “You know that this won’t be anything more than what it is, right?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m like I’m good. Are you good?” He admitted that he wanted a wife and kids someday. So I told him, basically, I completely understand that’s where you are in your journey; it’s fine and I’m comfortable with you wanting whatever you want. But I also know you’re denying or compartmentalizing what it means to be with me and maybe you’ve enjoyed being with me more than you “should.”

I’m Carribean; I’m first-generation American. So we don’t typically struggle with, you know, the shame most Americans do. Being raised by islanders? I mean, there women dance around in next to nothing during Carnival and it’s not seen as sexual. It’s seen as cultural. A lot of feelings regarding sex and sexuality…I just didn’t have. They weren’t natural or indigenous to me because I was raised so free. A lot of what I bring to the table now is just that freedom. And the freedom I feel to say, “I like this. I don’t like that. Don’t do that.” And then just be able to walk away during or before a sexual experience because I know myself. I’ve done my sexual due diligence. I know what I like but I’m also open and curious, so if I might like something I create boundaries where it’s safe to explore that. And I feel like that mindset automatically translates into pretty great sex. I’ve gotten better at head. I’ve gotten better at reading the room. Like, when I do it slow you like it. When I use my tongue there you come. Each person is different—the only thing that’s consistent is that no one appreciates a mediocre performance.

Hooking up with a guy and his girlfriend, that’s something I never thought I’d be into, because I’ve never been into women, but I actually enjoyed it more than being in threesomes with all men. Women are just different or special. But I’ve had great threesomes. It’s because I’ve asked the hard questions before I even leave the comfort of my home. If I’m taking you out for a drink, I want to know what is it that you’re looking for. If you can’t tell me what you’re looking for? It’s a nonstarter. Or if you say I’m on [this app] out of boredom it’s a nonstarter, because how am I supposed to trust you with my future if you haven’t been thoughtful or purposeful with your own?

So with threesomes it’s like: What are you looking to get out of this? What are your boundaries? What’s most important to you in this experience? Should I focus more on your partner or should I focus more on you? If someone’s not receiving enough attention how do we realign and get back on track? If you have these conversations early and often, you know what you’re getting into and it creates a good, equitable experience for everyone.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

Is it getting hot in here?


By Jessica Estrada

Whether you want to reignite a spark in the bedroom or are just down to try something new with your partner, power play (with continued consent, of course) may be the thing to spice up your sex life. Carol Queen, Ph.D., a staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, defines power play as play that involves differential roles, usually a submissive partner and a dominant partner. This type of power play, she says, applies to most BDSM as well as other forms of kink (think role-playing) and some forms of rough sex.

With that in mind, while people participating in power play tend to find this type of play erotic, Queen says it doesn’t always involve sexual activity. “Some go on to have sex with this heightened arousal and power-infused role-play to add passion and excitement,” she says. “Others do not choose this.” Either way, she says the benefits of power play are many, including pleasure, excitement, increased partner intimacy, and an enhanced way you see yourself and the world. Into it? Keep reading to learn how to introduce power play into your sex life.

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

1. Get On The Same Page

First and foremost, it’s important to talk to your partner about incorporating power play. “Find out if your partner is interested, if they have any concerns, if either of you feels the need for more information,” Queen says. If so, she encourages doing more research about power play, taking a class, or talking to an experienced friend or expert about it until you both feel comfortable taking the next steps.

2. Create A Yes/Maybe/No List

The next step is to get clear on what you’re most excited to try and your limits and boundaries. To do so, Queen suggests creating a yes, maybe, and no list, which details what you’re willing to do, things you may be into trying, and what things you’re not interested in trying. Then compare lists and find what is compatible for you to explore together. “If you’re interested in different things, figure out if either of you is happy to facilitate the other’s fantasy, or look at your maybe lists and see if there’s a way to address the elements that prevent those items from being yesses,” Queen says.

3. Choose Your Safe Word

Next, decide on a safe word other than the word no. Queen says it should be a word that would not likely come up when you’re in character during role-play. The word “red,” as in red light means stop, is a common safe word. If there’s a chance you may not be able to be heard — for instance, if it’s noisy or you are gagged — Queen recommends using a safe gesture, such as holding an item and dropping it.

And most importantly, when the safe word (or gesture) is used, respect it and give the other person what they need, whether that’s taking a break or stopping altogether. If your partner doesn’t respect safe words, Queen doesn’t recommend playing with them again as it is a breach of trust.

4. Decide Your Roles

“Even if you are not doing role-play per se, power play implies a top and a bottom (dominant and submissive),” Queen says. But these don’t have to be set in stone. “People switch all the time, but you need to know who is the ‘do-er’ and the ‘do-ee.’ Unless, you know, your fantasy is to [wrestle] and see who can overpower the other,” she says. Whatever your role, Queen adds that both of you can use the safe word at any point.

5. Check In With Each Other

Once you’ve experimented with power play (more on how to do that below), Queen emphasizes the importance of checking in with each other afterward, whether it’s right after or after you’ve had some time to process the experience. Ask each other how you’re feeling and figure out what you loved or would change if you did it again.

Power Play Game Examples

Blindfold

If you’re just dipping your toes into power play, incorporating a blindfold is a beginner-friendly way to try it out. “Blindfold one of you, and the other person touches and teases them, maybe uses toys or a massage candle, does light BDSM play like slapping or pinching,” Queen says. “The blindfold is a power toy because it removes one of your senses and it also intensifies the others.”

Role-Play & Sex

Another way to experiment with power play is to choose personas or characters to play. “Pretend to be strangers and seduce each other, or pick matching roles that include power differential to explore,” Queen says. Think mistress and butler or coach and athlete. “Remember, this is fantasy, and you can use your safe word if it goes in a direction you’re not feeling.”

Bondage

Lastly, if you want to take things up a notch, Queen suggests trying bondage with fuzzy cuffs. She says metal handcuffs can cause discomfort when you thrash around. Don’t have handcuffs on hand (no pun intended)? The submissive can put their hands somewhere and not move. “This is exciting with sex play but also a way to explore spanking and other impact play,” she says. “The butt cheeks are good, safe places to explore impact. Start mild, and escalate if desired.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to talk about kink with your vanilla partner

— Couples of all kinds grow together sexually.

By Beth Ashley

Most people who start a relationship expect — or at least hope — to align on important life elements. That’s why so many of us make sure to go over the basic, foundational bits like “Do you want kids?” “Do you want to get married?” and “Are you as career focused as I am?” during the dating stage. But often we forget to check on sexual compatibility before taking the plunge into a committed relationship, and by that, I don’t just mean having sex and thinking “Yep, that’s good sex.” Sexual compatibility goes much further than that.

According to sex educator and mental health expert Lola Jean, who facilitates classes in kink and BDSM, sexual compatibility also includes whether the two of you prioritise sex on the same level, have similar desires to have sex (in terms of frequency), are both good at sexual communication, enjoy similar sexual behaviours, and whether you’re both into (or not into) trying new things.

If you know you’re kinky from the get-go, this should also be laid on the table early on, when you first start discussing or having sex, with a conversation like “Hey, I’m into rough sex. Are you? Do you think you’d be into it if you tried?” Equally, if there’s something you’ve not tried but that has been on your mind to try for a while, you should bring that up, too.

This isn’t to say that all couples should have mind-blowing sex with equal pleasure that ticks everyone’s boxes on the first go or they should call it quits. In fact, that’s pretty unlikely, though possible. Couples of all kinds grow together sexually, and if any of your partner’s answers to your sexual compatibility questions are an awkward “ermmm no, no really,” it doesn’t mean the two of you are doomed. Humans are flexible and we change our minds. But we all have our deal breakers, our absolute “no-nos,” and that’s where things can get complicated.

This is why it’s so important not to gloss over this chat (no matter how awkward it is) and avoid ending up with mismatched levels of kinkiness.

How do I talk to my vanilla partner about kink?

If you did skip that first sexual compatibility course, don’t fret. It’s better late than never.

First, don’t assume your partner is “vanilla” — meaning, they like regular, non-kinky sex — because, so far, you’ve mostly done missionary. If you haven’t had a chat about kink before, there’s no way to tell they aren’t into it. Try not to make assumptions as you lead into this conversation or try to guess ahead of time what their reaction will be.

Schedule some time with your partner specifically to talk about sex and have the conversation somewhere where you’re comfortable. Often, it works well to have this conversation outside of the bedroom to remove any pressure. If you hang out together in your living room quite often, this could be a settling place to talk.

“You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.” Jean tells Mashable that when we talk to our partners about introducing kink into the relationship, we shouldn’t lead by focusing on specific activities, like using handcuffs or trying spanking, for instance.

“Just leading with specific activities is limiting,” she says. There’s not a lot of room for compromise or discussion if we jump in with a super-specific situation.

Instead, “Talk about the goals or feelings you’re after,” she suggests. For instance, “maybe I want to be spanked so I can feel punished, but my partner doesn’t want the idea of hitting me. So we can discuss and find another way where I can feel punished.” Words like “explore” and “figure things out” can help you communicate, she says. “You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.”

What if my partner is firm in their vanilla stance?

It happens! Vanilla people exist, and it’s not right to shame or try to change them. It might be that their vanilla nature comes from outdated ideas about sex, or it might be that they are just super into the simpler side of sex. Whatever the case, their style of sex is their own choice, just like everyone else’s.

Jean says the most important part of all of this is that you understand your desires don’t overrule your partner’s comfort. She tells Mashable, “Whether your desire is kink, or polyamory, etc, that is still your own desire, and your partner, no matter how much they love you, want to have sex with you, or think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, doesn’t have to do it with you.”

They are just desires, not rights. Your partner’s take on them just informs you of how or when you can act on them in the relationship.

If a kink is integral to you (perhaps it’s more of a fetish, meaning you struggle to get sexual pleasure without it?), Jean recommends seeing if your partner is open to giving it a go or trying something similar. But don’t pressure them. If they’re just not into it at all, or if they try it and don’t like it, but you find you still really need it from your relationship, then maybe that relationship isn’t for you.

“Sexual compatibility is important, but I don’t think it’s something that is innate,” says Jean. “It’s not about chemistry or attraction, it’s the ability to listen, understand, respond, and find different middle ground,” she says.

Once the initial conversation or conversations have been had, the next moves are really up to the vanilla person to explain what they’re comfortable exploring. “Just recognize it might take patience,” she says. “If you’ve figured out you’re kinky, there was probably a period of time where you didn’t know and it took you time, trial and error to figure things out.” Your partner should be afforded the same flexibility.

Should we open our relationship to solve this?

You can open your relationship if that’s something the two of you are genuinely interested in. But as Jean points out, “if someone isn’t getting what they want out of a relationship, that’s not a reason to have more relationships. You should be non monogamous because you want to be non monogamous, not because your partner is failing to meet your needs.”

A lot of people see opening the relationship as the only choice when you want to stay together but aren’t interested in the same kinks, but that isn’t the case. There are plenty of ways that you can also be monogamous and explore kink in a different way.

Kinks can actually be explored solo. From wax play to shibari to dominance, restraint, and nipple play, whatever you’re into or you’d like to give a go, a sexual partner isn’t necessary for exploration. “You can restrict yourself, you can deny yourself, you can impose a reward system or a punishment system, you can even do sensation play on yourself. And this is a great way to explore kink without your partner.”

What about hiring a helping hand?

There’s also the option of hiring a sex worker, like a professional kink instructor, to help you explore. “Hiring a professional is great if you want to stay monogamous but involve another person so you can experience kink,” says Jean. “There’s a professional boundary there which can make participants more comfortable, and you can work with the expert separately or as a couple.” It also means that you can explore with someone who knows what they’re doing and how to practise safely.

It might be that your partner doesn’t want to be directly involved in the kink but gets a thrill out of watching you engage in it, which is another way a professional can come in. Compromising in this sphere is all about trying different things, and working out what’s comfortable, fun, and pleasurable for both of you.

If you and your partner have different ideas about what sex should look like, whether you’re vanilla, a little kinky, or into hardcore BDSM, you don’t have to split up. But you cannot compromise beyond your boundaries, nor should you expect that of someone else. Have an open, honest conversation and be considerate of each other’s desires, needs, and no-go areas. Whatever the outcome ends up being for you both, it’s important to remember that no one has failed. Whether a relationship ends, opens, changes dynamic, or remains exactly the same, these are choices you’ve bravely made to protect each other’s happiness. And that’s exactly what partners should do.

Complete Article HERE!

How BDSM helped me deal with sexual trauma

BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media.

By Megan Wallace

When we’re asked what looking after our mental health looks like, most of us recite the same answer by rote. Talking therapy, medication for those who need it, and then that nebulous concept of “self care,” which nowadays means anything from journaling to eating well to buying expensive candles. But the reality is that no one’s mental health journey is going to look the same. Each person’s brain, trauma, and way of navigating the world is different and, as a result, individuals have long adopted more personalised ways of staying on top of their mental health, whether it’s exercise for stress or ice cold baths for anxiety. But for some, mental healing can come from a more unexpected place: the latex and leather of BDSM.

While I never thought it would work out this way, this has even been the case for me. Following a sexual assault in 2018 which happened on a busy street, one I still often pass, I found myself withdrawing from sex – feeling hugely disconnected from my body and partners, swallowing down the feeling of not wanting to be touched, counting down the time until any sexual encounter would stop in my head and sometimes crying uncontrollably afterwards. Even now, there are still times when I find intimacy so tough that I dissociate. For anyone who’s not sure what “dissociation” means in this context, let me explain. Basically, when I’m supposed to be “enjoying the moment” something bizarre occurs in my brain – it feels like I’ve extricated myself from my body and am floating, passively watching everything happening from the foot of the bed.

At the time, I never really wanted to talk about my experience in a formal way, but it would often come out as a jagged, hot-teared confession after one too many drinks. Probably, therapy would have been the answer (isn’t it always?) but I started looking for alternative solutions. Inspired by teenage years spent on Tumblr and a summer spent living and working in Berlin, where sex clubs were everywhere, I thought BDSM might be worth a shot. It was a whole culture celebrating around sex, one where all shame was left at the door and pleasure reigned supreme – what if it could help me work through some of baggage, I wondered. And as you’ve probably worked out by the title of this article, it was.

It was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts.

But the bit that helped me? Well, it wasn’t even the sex. Instead, it was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts. In practice, this means that a) you spend a lot of time talking and b) you kind of know how everything is going to pan out before you even get started. This proved to be a major relief to me after the shock and trauma of what had happened to me previously. It was also a way to begin to slowly trust someone, knowing that we basically had a verbal contract in place, instead of having to dive-in to intimacy. According to my partners at the time, I could never “let go” during sex so it was a huge relief that BDSM presented a judgement-free space of calm and control – even if, as a sub, I was supposedly the one giving up control.

Stripping away BDSM misconceptions

Admittedly, it’s a stereotype that if you’ve suffered from trauma you might gravitate towards BDSM – particularly when you look at depictions of kink in pop culture. Whether it’s the sexual assault that dominatrix Tiffany experiences in Netflix’s Bonding or the childhood abuse that Christian Grey mentions in Fifty Shades of Grey, TV and film writers are more than a little complicit in spreading the preconception, via clunky dialogue, that you’ve got to have suffered trauma to be into kink. But does this have any rooting in real life? Well, away from our screens, research has found a link between child abuse and developing an interest in sadism or masochism later in life. It’s important to remember though that the research here is scant and the link is far from definitive. However, if it does exist, we need to interrogate the ways that we talk and think about this correlation. Rather than viewing a tendency towards BDSM as a “perversion” of “normal” sexuality, what if we saw BDSM rituals as a form of harm reduction, a coping mechanism, or even a type of therapy?

“While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners.”

And while BDSM might be particularly associated with people who have been through a specific type of trauma, it can be helpful to people of many varied experiences. This is the case of Prish, a 25-year-old non-binary person who gravitated towards kink after a childhood where their boundaries and needs weren’t listened to or respected. Having struggled with codependent relationships as a result, it was through BDSM that they were able to connect with their desires and learn how to communicate them. “While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners,” they explain. “When these needs were listened to and respected, and when my pleasure was centred by the people who were domming me, this was incredibly healing.” Ultimately, being able to express what they wanted sexually has had a much wider positive impact. “I felt more empowered than I’d ever felt in my whole life; like I finally had some control over getting what made me happy — and I was able to expand this into other aspects of my life.”

Here, we can see that BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media. Instead, it can be a way of working through intimate struggles, both sexual and emotional, with people you trust. While for some, it can be a life-long practice, for others it can be something to dip in and out of or to only turn to in a time of need. And different scenes can have different emotional impacts. This is the case for 24-year-old Hannah who, reeling from a serious breakup, staged a life-changing kink encounter. After being involved in BDSM for several years, she began speaking to someone she knew from the scene – and they were able to act out a long-held fantasy of hers. “One thing he’d done and I’d always wanted to try was sexual hunting: think predator/prey play but IRL. We met up for a drink beforehand to discuss boundaries and then the date rolled around for us to do the deed,” Hannah explains.

On the day of the planned encounter, Hannah and her play partner met up in a forest and she was given a “head start” as part of the scenario. This, as she explains, was where an emotional transformation began. “I felt such an exhilarating rush from being chased, like I was running away from my problems,” she says. “It was like I was stepping out of my skin and my sadness.” As per their agreement, Hannah was then “caught” and they both had sex – leading her to an emotional breakthrough. “He asked me what my ex would think if he knew I was doing this and in that moment, I knew I didn’t care anymore. It was so cleansing and cathartic and it gave me the space and sexual confidence to move on with my life — I’ll always be grateful for it.”

Both Prish and Hananh’s experiences focus on the emotional aspect of BDSM, its use as a tool that allowed them to reframe negative experiences and mindsets and reclaim power. While this is their personal experience, there’s even a fledgling line of research that backs it up, looking at how individuals are using kink as a form of trauma recovery. And it’s not too much of a stretch to see how BDSM sometimes mimics techniques seen in talking therapy – Gestalt therapy may even include “role playing” sessions, after all. But while we know that BDSM might be helpful to some people, is there a way to seek it as part of a recognised mental health treatment plan?

How BDSM can be therapeutic

Well, we’re a long way off from seeing BDSM listed as a fully-funded alternative therapy on the NHS website. However, some work has actually already started among mental health professionals willing to explore kink and the role it plays in people’s lives and emotional states. There are more and more kink-positive and BDSM-informed therapists out there and, excitingly, there’s even a growing number of BDSM therapists who combine traditional talking therapy with BDSM sessions. Among these is the conscious kink facilitator and qualified counsellor Divine Theratrix, who offers potential clients the option of  integrative talking therapy, somatic healing sessions and animal play classes in order to allow individuals to “get out of their head and into their body in playful and tactile ways.”

The beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves.

Also going by the name Lara, Divine Theratrix was first inspired to use BDSM as a tool in her work after thinking about how the mind impacts the body. “In addition to being trained as a traditional integrative therapist, I embarked on further studies into the relatively new field of somatic psychology and became convinced that touch could be a missing piece for some people on a journey of trauma healing,” she explains. Somatic psychology focuses on how the body impacts the mind, and has been explored practically through somatic therapies which focus on the body. These techniques focus on regulation of your nervous system (which can become stuck in fight or flight responses) and on creating bodily awareness, and are particularly useful for people with trauma or PTSD.

Obviously, there are plenty of different physical aspects to BDSM and you might not have thought before about how these might impact your brain, but they do. Take one of the most commonly known parts of BDSM: impact play, where your skin is hit with a hand, paddle or whip. While it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, scientists have shown that it has a positive impact on kinksters’ mental health – individuals may have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after a kink session.

But if we step aside from all this technical stuff, the beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves. Whether it’s the feel of latex on the skin or the psychological thrill of power play, kink connects us to our bodies, our instincts and allows us to fully embody our emotions. As Lara puts it: “When the mind and body work together, the learning tends to be more impactful.”

Complete Article HERE!

A history of the horny side of the internet

In a new book, journalist Samantha Cole digs through the rich history of sex on the internet, from BBS to FOSTA

By Russell Brandom

From the very beginning, people on the internet have been obsessed with sex.

That’s the argument laid out in a new book by journalist Samantha Cole, How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex. Cole digs through early internet history to show how sexual content and communities were part of the internet from its earliest days and had a profound effect on how the online space deals with identity, community, and consent. From identity play on early bulletin board sites to the rise of online pornography as an industry unto itself, Cole makes the case that you can’t make sense of the internet without sex — even if today’s major platform companies would like to.

Content note: This interview describes multiple sexual practices in straightforward language. Readers who are uncomfortable with these topics should use discretion.

The book makes the case that sex was a fundamental part of the internet from the very beginning. Why do you think that is?

It’s just such a part of human nature to want to connect as deeply as possible to other people, whether it’s online or not — and the internet opened up a new venue for that. Suddenly people could be whoever they wanted to be. They could take on these personas that were different from who they were away from the keyboard. They could express themselves in a way they never had before. For a lot of people, that branches out into sexuality almost immediately.

“What level of reality do you want to experience through the internet?”

It’s interesting reading those old message boards where people describe themselves as mythological creators or blobs or whatever they wanted to be. Then they would have these really deep, interesting, philosophical conversations about love and sex and relationships. In many cases, they would meet up and go on dates after that. Sometimes they got married and had kids. I say in the book, there are real people walking around who only exist because these bulletin board systems connected their parents.

There’s an immediate security concern there because you have people adopting pseudonyms to share information that’s otherwise really private. But it seems like, at this stage, the internet didn’t have a ton of tools for keeping your identity private.

Right — just to get in the door of a BBS like this, you had to call someone on the phone and give them your name and credit card info. So it was tangibly personal between you and the admin. Once you were inside, a lot of them would let you use whatever name you wanted, but there were other communities that would demand you use your name. Others would have you put your email address at the end of every post so people could contact you directly. It’s an interesting divide: what level of reality do you want to experience through the internet? But the more sexualized communities really emerged when people were using the internet to pretend to be something they wished they were or wanted to try.

How much does this change when you get into the contemporary internet, built on companies like Google and Facebook that are able to treat sexual content very differently?

It gets really complicated when you go from a single person running their hobbyist bulletin board scanning Playboy pictures to this huge machine of moderators making decisions. People can get really frustrated not having a central person to talk to about what’s happening on this platform that is a big part of their life. So that definitely has been a huge shift. We have these huge monopolies that are just running the show for us now, and it’s hard not to feel like you don’t have any of that control left.

“The conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it.”

At the same time, these companies are now beholden to payment processors and banks, and so they have to push all of this stuff off of their platform, in many cases, because of those financial obligations. So just seeing that change, it’s hard not to imagine the internet is going to keep getting more sanitized and less sexual.

You describe a lot of early moments of sex panic in a way that seems very similar to what we see now — but then, in other places, the internet seems to have made people more accepting. Do you think the conversation over moderating sexual content is changing?

People are definitely more aware of the legal landscape. If you asked the average person in the late ’90s if they knew about something like the Communications Decency Act, they would have no idea what you were talking about. But now, lots of people have real opinions about Section 230 and are really read up on this stuff. It’s all a lot more visible, and the conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it. You have so many more people relying on the internet for their jobs, sexual or not. So people are paying attention now in a way that they haven’t been in previous decades

What about the second part of the title, how the internet changed sex? All through the book, you can see people getting turned on to new things or exploring themselves in ways that wouldn’t have been possible offline. Do you think the internet has made our sex lives more specific or extreme?

I think having access to communities of like-minded people can really be world-changing. I researched a lot about fetish and kink communities, and for a lot of people, before they found those communities, they thought they were the only ones. So it’s been really interesting to see that grow up with the internet. Suddenly, you have thousands and thousands of people reading forums about their specific fetish and talking about what they’re into and why they’re into it.

One thing that really surprised me was these forums about how to suck your own dick. People were just trading tips and advice about how to do it, exercises to do. You would never have access to that kind of information without the internet because, first of all, you would never say it out loud to someone, just hoping they were into it. But suddenly, you have access to all these people all over the world who are like, “Yes, I want to trade advice about how to suck my own dick.”

That one was actually too vulgar for the book.

Do you think the internet is creating these desires or just making it safe to express them?

It can be hard to tell. You can definitely discover something new that you didn’t know you were into. Or you might realize you were into it all along, and you didn’t know it.

One of the stories I wrote recently was about people who were into blueberries and blueberrification. A lot of them were into this because they had watched Charlie & the Chocolate Factory when they were kids and said, “Oh, that made me feel a way,” and carried that with them for years without telling anyone. Then they get online, and they see there are a lot of people who also feel this way. That’s a transformational change. It’s not just, “I found this thing I didn’t know I was into,” but also “Now I can really express myself and buy a blueberry suit because I see other people are doing it, too.”

Having that community makes you feel less weird. It’s less isolating. I think that’s a huge part of why people have so much shame about their sexuality and their porn use. They feel like they’re the only one who wants this. When you find out you’re not the only one, that can be revolutionary.

Complete Article HERE!