Whether you enjoy being called things you’d never accept outside of the bedroom or just enjoy your partner describing what they will be doing to you or what they are doing to you, dirty talk is a popular bedroom practice with seven in 10 Brits admitting that they can’t get enough of it and nine in 10 admitting that they get aroused whenever their partner talks sexually.
Not only is dirty talk incredibly arousing for some people, it’s also great for your relationship. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found the more comfortable we are talking about sex, the more satisfactory our sex lives will become.
The researchers added that even the slightest bit of anxiety around communication affected whether partners were communicating or not which directly affected their satisfaction in the bedroom.
However, those who did communicate during sex were more likely to experience sexual satisfaction. Basically, enthusiastically engaging in sexy talk with your partner can heighten the sexual experience and improve communication between you both.
Of course, speaking sexy in dulcet tones doesn’t come naturally to all of us and as a nation, we’re quite prone to feeling self-aware and are famous for not being the most openly expressive people, to say the least.
For those of us that don’t feel like we can easily pull off dirty talk, HuffPost UK spoke to Jay Stark, a non-binary sex worker about how to get started on dirty talk.
Sex worker reveals how to get started with dirty talk in the bedroom
Stark admits that sexy talk didn’t come naturally to them either, saying, “’When I first started exploring dirty talk, it felt really intimidating. I’m a writer as well as an escort so I choose my words carefully… that can be quite unsexy in the bedroom!”
However, they admit that over time, they learned how to get into the groove of it and now, these are the tips they’d give to any beginner:
Narrate what you’re doing (to a point)
Dirty talk needn’t be complicated, you can quite literally narrate what you’re doing – especially if you’re stuck for ideas. Don’t be too formal and detailed though, no one needs a running commentary! Instead, focus on your more sensual movements and the things that are likely to turn your partner on, such as: “I’m caressing your side”, “See how I’m teasing your nipple”, and “I’m taking you in my hand and can feel you getting hard”.
Describe what you’re enjoying
Dirty talk is best when it’s vivid, descriptive, and positive. Think about what it is you’re enjoying about your sexual experience and describe that in real-time. For example, “I love your scent”, “Your skin is so wonderfully smooth”, “When you touch me there, it tingles in the best possible way”. This will fill your partner with confidence, deepen your connection and help ease you into the wild world of dirty talk.
Think about what you could do
Dirty talk is a way of bringing fantasies to life; if there’s something you would like to do, you can use dirty talk to introduce that idea. Equally, by talking about what you’re doing next, you can build excitement and intrigue, turning your partner on at the mere thought of what’s about to happen.
“I’m going to remove my panties and let you see how eager I am already”, or “I’m going to bury you under my body, push you into the mattress, and have my way with you” will definitely get you both going!
Of course, talking about hypotheticals can also be a fantasy of its own, completely unrelated to what you’re going to do in the moment. This way, you can add another layer to the erotic experience you’re enjoying.
Clarify your partner’s preferences
It’s important that you speak with your partner about any words they dislike; everyone has different preferences and you want to make sure they feel completely comfortable. For example, some people love degrading language during dirty talk, whilst others prefer more appreciative, complimentary words. Always check on this, the wrong tone can stop a hot session in its tracks.
When telling your partner about a particular kink or fetish you have, here’s some pretty solid advice: “Don’t sit them down to tell them you’ve ordered vampire gloves and a fuck cage and that you want them to use them on you.”
At least, that’s what Lucy* recommends, who believes that it’s better to start small. BDSM is a spectrum, after all. Lucy’s kink is rough sex (but “only with the right man”) and being dominated. Before vocally broaching this with existing partners, Lucy tends to hint at these desires during sex. “If you like your hair pulled, or think you’d like it, make lots of noise of pleasure if they put their hands in your hair,” she suggests. “Give your partner confidence; tell them what’s amazing with your voice, sounds, body, and reactions.”
She’s also into shibari, a form of rope bondage that centres on visual aesthetics, but usually brings this up a little later – and eases them in. “I explain how liberating and freeing I find being tied up,” says Lucy. “I use life-drawing classes as my comparison, and show them pictures of me clothed in a non-sexual dynamic with my rigger.”
Although new partners tend to figure out their shared politics, values, and relationship goals early on, for many, discussions about sexual desires tend to come later – if at all. Combine this with the fact that many non-‘traditional’ sexual practices still remain taboo, and suddenly, being honest with your partner about your desires can feel like a daunting task.
“Telling a partner about a fetish can be like sharing a secret,” says Judith Langer, a sexologist who works at the sex-positive community JOYclub. “We make ourselves vulnerable, and that requires courage. This might be the first time you have openly spoken about your kink, it might be less common, you may even be unsure of your own feelings, and you might be uncertain about how your partner will react. All of these factors can understandably cause anxiety.”
Still, that doesn’t mean you should shy away from sharing the secret – after all, vulnerability can make for a stronger relationship and a more intimate sex life. Plus, your partner may share your desire and it’ll be another way you connect. Or, they might not; but that doesn’t mean they’ll react badly, nor that the two of you are destined to be sexually incompatible.
Before you talk to your partner about a kink (something that increases your pleasure, but isn’t essential) or fetish (something that you need for arousal and pleasure), you might want to explore kink for yourself first, especially if it’s new to you. This can involve watching different types of porn, exploring materials, smells, sounds, or aesthetics that you find pleasurable, learning about the kink via podcasts, articles, talks, or classes, and experimenting with solo play. “Doing a little bit of this on your own can better equip you for having conversations with a partner,” says Sophia Rose, a London-based facilitator, educator, and artist working with consent, rope bondage, kink, and sexuality. “Consent and getting in touch with our limits and boundaries starts with ourselves.”
There’s no right way to then share this interest with your partner, and the way you approach it will depend on your relationship to them, your sexual history, whether you’re sharing a kink or a fetish, and what type of kink or fetish it is. Having said that, there are some general tips that are worth considering.
There’s no doubt that every relationship has its unique dynamic, which is part of what makes them all so special. However, some share the same fundamentals, attractions, and particular preferences. For instance, there are various kinds of female-led relationships, including ones that can end up being quite financially lucrative. That’s especially true if you’re what’s known as a financial dominatrix. The name certainly hints at the full meaning, which involves powerful women controlling submissive figures that offer them payment in the form of money or gifts understood as tributes. Although submissives — known as finsubs or other monikers — can be men, women, or non-binary, they all desire to be dominated in various ways, including financially.
“It’s controlling someone through their wallet,” financial dominatrix Mistress Marley explained to The New York Times. “I love waking up every day realizing that submissive men pay all my bills and I don’t spend a dime.”
Of course, that’s just a simplified explanation, and there is much more involved when it comes to these particular money-related relationships. From how it really works to how much money a financial dominatrix can make, there’s no doubt that you’ll find yourself intrigued by this kind of pricey.
How financial domination really works
Being involved with a financial dominatrix includes one person offering another money or gifts and the other responding with a specific kind of attention. However, there is much more to know regarding the ins and outs of this sort of connection. For instance, some of the domination may come in short messages and brief interactions; at other times, it might be hours-long sessions (in-person or online) meant to fully wear down and break down the submissive person. The latter option will possibly involve a spending limit. If that’s the case, the session will end when all the money is spent. The same goes for a session meant to empty the sub’s bank account.
For anyone who is shy or has other reasons to protect their identity, the fact that you don’t need to meet in person is definitely a perk. Some interactions merely involve sending pictures that can obscure the subject’s face if they don’t want to be identified. When it’s time to pay up, money can be sent online using platforms like OnlyFans or Stripe. If gifts are preferred, a financial dominatrix may set up an Amazon wishlist or accept gift cards. The dom will offer their distinctive expertise in return for the payment and presents.
Findom is about power and control
It might be difficult for some people to understand why anyone would want to hand over their money to a financial dominatrix. It has to do with a particular kink. Joe Kort, a sex and relationship therapist and co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, explained to The New York Times, “It’s a power exchange, just like in B.D.S.M., only it’s without ropes or chains — it’s with money. The money is, in fact, the chains, because dommes are tying up subs financially.”
Indeed, BDSM (a.k.a. bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism) can be practiced in many forms. However, all involve some power play. It’s also relatively popular, with 47% of women and 60% of men revealing in a 2016 study that they have imagined being a dom. On the other hand, there are people attracted to the submissive side. A person identified as R.J. told The New York Times they had given over $150,000 during their findom relationships and noted, “It’s this feeling of giving up complete control, of someone having ownership over you. I find that really arousing.”
Phillip Hammack, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who is also the director of its Sexual and Gender Diversity Laboratory, confirmed, “The arousal is in the act. It’s about that loss of control.” That’s why some findom relationships don’t even involve touching.
Findom doesn’t have to include physical contact
Many relationships — including ones involving power and control — include a physical aspect. That can certainly be true when it comes to a findom situation; however, it doesn’t necessarily involve any physical contact. Financial dominatrix Mistress Harley told Cosmopolitan, “There is absolutely no sex and usually no touching of any kind involved. This is a submissive person giving me money because it gives me pleasure to receive it and them a pleasure to give it.”
Of course, there are some exceptions. If a dominatrix wants to offer a kind of power play that includes physical contact — or even sex in one form or another — that’s both their choice, as well as one the sub must agree to. Even Mistress Harley is willing to meet up with her subs, but only to be paid, which she controls as well. The subs hand over their ATM or credit cards, and she takes money from their accounts herself. She also pointed out, “The most I’ve ever allowed a submissive to touch me was to kiss my feet after spending thousands and thousands of dollars on me.”
If that doesn’t sound quite like the kind of arrangement you’re interested in, don’t worry! Forming a relationship with a financial dominatrix as a submissive also involves figuring out what works and doesn’t work for you.
You have to find the right financial domination fit
Being involved with a financial dominatrix or, in turn, someone who is submissive may seem pretty straightforward on the surface. However, the intricacies of the relationships make them satisfying for both people. Or not satisfying at all. That’s why, as Ethan, a submissive figure based in Yorkshire, England, told BuzzFeed News, “It’s just like any other relationship in that some don’t work out because you don’t want the same thing out of it.”
That also means that as a dominatrix and a sub, it’s crucial to find out what you want, your goal, and what you’re comfortable doing. As a dominatrix, you should define clear boundaries for yourself and your submissives. Also, think about what kind of interactions you are interested in and what you don’t want to offer — considering everything from your ideal subs to how you can be compensated. As a submissive person, do the same, as well as come up with a budget for yourself if needed.
Remember to keep in mind that you can try out various arrangements and change things as you feel necessary. Just be sure that the other person (or people) involved are on the same page and consent to whatever is being offered and received on both ends. If that’s not the case, then it might be time to end one relationship and move on to something that’s a better fit.
Financial domination can be healthy or harmful
Financial domination may seem iffy to those unaware of the motivations and connections involved. Although dodgy circumstances might pop up — as they can in any relationship — sex therapist Kelly Wise, Ph.D., told Men’s Health that findom can be healthy. It just needs to be done safely, including limits, openness, and, as always, consent. As a financial dominatrix, Jenna Sativa also acknowledged the demands of the position, saying, “It is definitely easier money than anything else I’ve ever done, but at the same time, it’s not easy, because you have to put in a lot of time and money for these clips. These guys want to see you looking good when they’re giving you $100 for every paycheck.”
Beyond that, those who dominate can feel a responsibility toward their subs. That means giving them the attention they pay for as well as controlling the arrangement when it may be getting out of hand. Financial dominatrix Bratty Nikki explained, “Anytime I’ve seen someone who’s pushing themselves too far and was feeding an addiction, I’ve let them down gently or told them I don’t think we should continue. You want to push the envelope, but you don’t want to push them off the ledge. It is a delicate dance.”
“[It] does take a personality that is caring,” financial dominatrix Tatiana added. That’s perhaps just one thing that people may not realize about this kind of arrangement.
There’s confusion around being a financial dominatrix
Even if you’re aware of financial domination, you might be confused about certain aspects of being a part of this kind of relationship. A financial dominatrix known as Food Fetish told Refinery29, “One of the biggest misconceptions is that it’s easy, and that you’re going to sit there and say, “Give me your money!” and people are just going to give it to you. You have to be giving something in order to get something — that’s what people don’t understand.”
That’s not to mention that people dismiss findom as something that anyone can do without being informed about what’s involved or proficient at what’s required. They also don’t realize that a financial dominatrix has to be reliable and keep up with a steady stream of messages, images, videos, or posts if needed.
Additionally, Food Fetish brought up the importance of finding your niche within the findom community, noting that some don’t realize they can’t simply do the same thing as others. They instead need to make their mark in their own way. She explained her attitude toward her content, saying, “Once you put something on the internet, it’s there forever, which is why I decided to create my own lane…”
Beware of fake findoms
Perhaps another misunderstanding about being a financial dominatrix is that you can do whatever you want to the submissives under your control. That’s definitely not true, as there’s a responsibility, as we’ve mentioned. Failing to fulfill that is not only a breach of trust but can also be a sign that something fishy is going on, such as a fake findom. A man named Chris told BuzzFeed News, “I had a few different doms. There wasn’t much actual domming going on, I would just talk to them and on occasion I’d send them something … A lot of these people don’t have any ethics.”
“Online though — especially on Twitter and Facebook — there are hundreds and hundreds of fakes, and they’re usually catfish, that is, men pretending and posting pictures taken from somewhere else,” financial Dominatrix Krystal Goddess told Mel Magazine. Fortunately, if you’re a submissive person looking for a dom, you can protect yourself by knowing what to do before entering a findom arrangement. Another financial dominatrix, Princess Abbie, said, “They should search for the domme’s name on social media and see if they’re mentioned in any call-out posts, and pay attention to how and what they tweet. These accounts get weeded out by the community, so scammers earn a bad name quickly.”
Of course, if you or the financial dominatrix you’re interested in are legit, then a fair share of money might change hands.
A financial dominatrix can make a lot of money
Whether you are (or are interested in) working as a financial dominatrix or are intrigued by the idea of being submissive to one, there are plenty of details to consider. Of course, in the end, money is a significant factor. So, how much can a financial dominatrix make? That depends on how many subs they have, what they offer, and how much they charge, among other things. However, thanks to people who have opened up about their findom income, you can get an idea.
TikTok user Hope Vicious shared a video answering a question asking if her subs have to pay a certain amount of money. It was a definite yes. On top of requiring them to send her money and buy gifts continually, she told her followers, “I do have a minimum and some people would consider it high but I actually consider it quite low for what the going rate is for doms with my level of experience. So the minimum weekly tribute that I accept is $100 a week.”
While that’s impressive, Mistress Marley told The New York Times that she was only two years into being a financial dominatrix when she started earning up to $2,500 a week. Yes, each week! She also provided screenshots showing she can now make $5,000 weekly. She noted, “So many people are thriving off of this industry online. I know this because I’m thriving.”
— Get to know gay pups: A unique subculture within the leather community
Gay pups blend the camaraderie found within queer tribes with the captivating allure of BDSM, making pup play an all-encompassing experience that combines both fetishism and a unique sense of brotherhood.
When you let your hands become paws, your bark has no limits. So let’s explore everything you need to know about this kinky subculture.
What is a gay pup?
Gay pups adopt a playful canine archetype, but every participant’s experience can look different. The absence of strict rules or prerequisites empowers individuals to pursue fulfillment in their own unique way, united by the common thread of role-playing as young dogs.
In the realm of the gay animal kingdom, physicality often plays a defining role, but in the world of pups, inclusivity reigns supreme. Regardless of age or body type, anyone is welcome to don a mask, tail, and leather mittens and fully immerse themselves on all fours.
While tribes like bears, otters, and twinks are distinguished by their bodies, they can all become pups! In fact, it’s not even limited to sexuality, though gay men tend to be the most visible demographic.
It’s common to channel your four-legged alter ego and embrace a pup identity; think names such as Shadow, Danger, or Creamy – ranging from innocent to cheeky. Many of these names sound like the kind of friends a grown-up Lassie might have met at the club.
What came first, the pups or their handlers?
Everyone starts as a “feral pup,” which embodies the singledom of a stray. Naturally, a dog needs their owner, so most pups find a handler (or several) throughout their journey.
Discovering a handler can take the form of a sexual, romantic, or platonic relationship. Pups who have established such a connection proudly wear a collar, symbolizing their bond.
A handler, most commonly called “sir,” assumes a role akin to the BDSM practice of masters and slaves. However, being a gay pup is far from degrading; on the contrary, it’s about embracing the role eagerly and striving to be a “good boy.”
Whether you’re playing fetch with your sir, receiving belly rubs, or reverently licking their boot, the experience is entirely up to your negotiation. Just like other relationships within the leather and kink community, the emphasis is on finding a handler who aligns with your desires for fun and pleasure.
The origins of gay pup culture
While the gay pup subculture has evolved into a distinctive sphere of its own, its origins can be traced back to leathermen and BDSM, with a lineage that extends far behind closed doors and beyond the reach of textbooks.
Folks in these communities didn’t need dog gear to enjoy getting on all fours, following commands, or collars. Besides, gay men have never been shy to woof! But gay pups are mostly known as a postmodern movement, gradually growing by the numbers as the acceptance of kink goes mainstream.
Come Pride season, don’t be surprised to see a human-sized kennel filled with gay pups nuzzling, chewing on toys, and barking for attention.
The art (and freedom) of pup play
Aside from handlers, gay pups eventually find or create their pack for endless pup play. Dogs are social creatures, and human dogs are no different! You can find them online or in person at local leather and kinky spaces. Not to mention annual happenings, including captivating contests mimicking Best in Show.
Some packs live together, and others sync calendars. You’ll find bankers, artists, and teachers could be a part of the same group, while others opt for people with similar professions. The magic of gay pup culture is the spontaneity and liberation of how it can manifest for each person – it sounds like gay rights to us.
Choosing a pack is not unlike your social circle, and your interactions will mirror your compatibility and desires. Beyond sex, it’s about getting in the “pup headspace,” which kinda is like getting into character and, for many, serenity. There are typically three types of roles in a pack, as follows:
Alpha: The gay pup that is dominant and acts as the leader.
Beta: These would be versatile pups who enjoy servicing as much as being dominant.
Omega: Submissive by trade, these pups aim to be the most ‘good boy’ of them all.
Unlike traditional hierarchies, upward movement is not the goal. Your role will echo your personality. Packs sometimes give their members more specialized roles, such as a muscle queen providing security from outsiders at bars.
Of course, you can remain feral and play and experiment with other packs and their sirs without commitment. But many like the security, depth, and reliability of finding like-minded individuals and evolving together, including opportunities for real-life friendships and mentorship.
Ready to get on all fours?
If you feel the inkling to become a gay pup, then congratulations – you’ve already passed the test! Welcome to the playful – and naughty – community.
While dog gear and finding a sir/pack can enhance the experience and transform it into a lifestyle, embracing the identity is the first step towards discovering your pup persona.
And the best part? Human dogs can have bio dogs, making it all the more fun.
Are you ready to kick things up a notch in the bedroom? Then you might consider experimenting with temperature play. Think of how an ice cube offers an instant visceral feeling to your skin or the touch of a warm cup of tea. Now imagine that type of sensation being used to arouse your entire body. That’s pretty much the essence of temperature play.
“Temperature play can add another sensory dimension to a sexual experience,” Avril Louise Clarke, in-house sexologist and intimacy coordinator at Erika Lust, tells SheKnows. “Sensory deprivation could be putting on a blindfold allowing you to delve deeper into the senses of touch, taste or smell. Temperature play is a similar experience, but instead, it heightens arousal, creating unique sensations of hot or cold.”
According to Clarke, temperature play works by intensifying the nerve endings to increase blood flow, which can increase an already pleasurable experience. “So if you put something warm or cold on your body the blood flow will react differently,” she explains. “A good practice, and basic approach when introducing any sexual activity or new play to the bedroom, is to start slowly and always communicate with partners to ensure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience.”
As always when it comes to sexual activity, remember safety is always the best policy. “And of course, always communicate and practice consent,” Clarke says. “Prioritize the comfort of everyone’s experience. Temperature play is great, and an important part of the BDSM umbrella, since it’s accessible to most, with minimal cost and preparation, and can be done solo or with multiple partners.”
Temperature play can be done with household items such as ice cubes and wax, to freezer-friendly sex toys like vibrators and dildos. Does temperature play sound intriguing to you and your partner(s)? Then read on below to learn about sexpert-approved creative ways to experiment with temperature play in your sex life.
Experiment with different textures and sensations.
According to Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and Bloomi CEO and Co-Founder, different people may enjoy different temperatures, textures, and sensations on their skin. Trying different things with temperature play is a good way to experiment with what’s right for you until you know what turns you (and your partner) on.
“You can adapt temperature play to your needs and preferences and you can do it solo, partnered, with a toy, or without – it’s totally up to you,” Alvarez Story says. “Some suggestions are: licking ice cream off your partner’s skin, letting an ice cube melt on your or your partner’s nipples, or warming/freezing a towel, and putting on your partner.”
Alvarez Story also adds that it’s important to talk about desires, expectations, and limitations as well as come up with a safe word “so you or your partner can revoke your consent at any given time before getting into temperature play.”
Start slowly and explore the entire body.
Whenever you’re playing with hot or cold items, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Lovehoney sex and relationship expert, recommends to start slowly – not only to enjoy and enhance the experience but to test out the thresholds for heat and cold on your and your partner’s body. “In the beginning, run your toy under hot or cold water for 10 to 15 seconds and test it out for a moment. If you want to increase or decrease the temperature, you can always extend the time underwater.”
And remember that different parts of your body will respond differently to temperature variations. “For example, your mouth can handle hotter temperatures than much of your exposed skin (think about drinking hot tea versus spilling hot tea on your thighs), so take care to test the temperature a little at a time across the body,” she says.
O’Reilly suggests exploring your entire body with your hot or cold toys — and not heading straight to your genitals. “You can play with temperature from head to toe — alternating between the nipples, along the collarbone, down the sides of your chest and between your thighs.”
Go the sensual route.
If you’re looking for something more sensual to kick off your temperature play, Alvarez Story recommends giving a sensual massage with hot oil or wax from a body-safe candle.
Not that you need much of a reason to give or receive a massage from your lover, but Alvarez Story points out that “relaxing and having an intimate massage can help to reduce muscle tension and stress, improve circulation, and has even been reported to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.” Choose a massage oil or candle that is suitable for use on intimate skin. She suggests Bloomi’s Relax, which is a clean massage oil that doubles as an everyday body oil with lavender aromatherapy and is safe to be cooled down or warmed up. Set the space with some soft pillows and blankets and enjoy.
Work with contrast.
Nora Langknecht, marketing manager and certified sex educator at FUN FACTORY, recommends switching between hot and cold sensations to keep your partner in pleasurable suspense. “Use ice to cool someone’s skin (or nipple, or whatever else), and you’ll create contrast with the natural heat of your mouth or tongue,” she says. “So, follow the cool touch of an ice cube with the warmth of your tongue or kisses.”
She also suggests gently heating or cooling your toys to experiment with temperature in a safe way. “Try sticking VOLTA, our external vibrator, or MANTA, our vibrating penis stroker, in hot (not boiling) or cold water. Your partner will get all the stimulation of the toy, plus the added benefit of an unexpected temperature.”
And as always, since temperatures that are too hot or cold may be unpleasant or even painful, she warns to “test the toys against the inside of your wrist before using them on your partner!”
Chill a dildo (or vibrator) in the fridge.
To add a different sensation, Alvarez Story suggests cooling down a dildo in the fridge before playing with it. “Make sure that the dildo is composed of a material that can be frozen and is still body-safe when frozen,” she says. “Our recommendation is Indulge Double-sided Vibrator, a powerful, versatile, and body-safe vibrator with double sides: enjoy one non-vibrating and one vibrating side, both great for vaginal and anal use.”
In fact, according to Clarke, many silicone toys can be popped in the freezer, or in a bowl of ice and teased across the body during intercorse or foreplay. “A toy that comes to mind is Maya by Love Not War,” she says. “It is a great toy for temperature play since it is responsive to temperatures, meaning the head can be unscrewed and heated before use or put into the refrigerator to cool down. Since it is made out of 99 percent recycled aluminum, it will conduct the temperature really quickly.
Ready to get started with some temperature play? Things are about to get hot (or really cold).
“Missionary position” is a bit of an unfortunate phrase, no? Many missionaries do fine charitable work, but thinking about them isn’t exactly titillating. That’s a shame, because missionary position can actually be amazingly sexy: In missionary position, bodies are close. There’s a lot of sweat. Breath mingles. It’s a perfect position for intimate lovemaking with strong eye contact; it’s also a perfect position for lifting your legs up, going as hard and as deep as possible, and experiencing pleasure in parts of your body you didn’t know existed.
It’s also certainly not just for penis-in-vagina straight sex. Maybe we should rebrand “missionary position” as being about going on a mission to get creative, messy, and come your face off — all while experiencing a closeness with your partner not available in other sex positions. As part of this rebrand, we’ve gathered twists on traditional missionary position that will prove just how hot and varied missionary sex can be.
Standing Missionary
Missionary isn’t just a position for the bed. Switch it up by doing missionary against a wall in any room of your home (this position is great for those times when you’re just too turned on to make it to the bedroom). Have the receiving partner lift their leg for better access to their vagina, while the giving partner holds on to the leg for support.
Spread Missionary
If you saw Fifty Shades Darker or are familiar with BDSM, you may have heard of spreader bars. They usually come with cuffs on either side that are clasped around the submissive partner’s ankles. And they’re the perfect toy to spice up missionary position.
To get into spread missionary, have the dominant partner (the one on top providing penetration) clasp the receiving partner’s ankles in the spreader bar. Then, the dominant partner can lift the submissive’s legs over their head for a kinky twist on a classic position.
Bound Missionary
Bound missionary infuses BDSM into this classic sex position. All you have to do is tie up the arms of the receiving partner over their head. You can use a pair of sex handcuffs or go DIY with rope or tape — whatever turns on you and your partner.
Assisted Missionary
To change the angle of penetration during missionary sex, try placing a pillow under your partner’s bum. You don’t need to buy a pillow made specially for sex; just grab one lying around your bed. By plopping the cushion under the receiving partner, their pelvis lifts, thus allowing for increased G-spot or P-spot (for those with prostates having anal sex) stimulation.
Pretzel Missionary
In the pretzel version of missionary position, the receiving partner simply lifts their legs and wraps them like a salty snack around the partner providing penetration. It’s a variation both parties will love: By wrapping their legs around, the receiving partner can pull their lover further inside, controlling the depth of penetration, gripping tight if they feel something they like. For the partner providing penetration, not only are they aided in thrusting, which can be heavy cardio, but they’re able to feel the warmth of being entangled in legs.
Impaled Missionary
“Impaled” is a bit of a violent term, but that’s what the Kama Sutra calls this variation, officially “shulachitaka.” The receiving partner lifts one leg up, which, like a lever on a La-Z-Boy, allows the couple to play with various angles. A leg over the shoulder is always hot, and by lifting one leg up, if the receiving partner has a vagina, this position also creates more space for the person on top to rub their clit.
Rockette Missionary
Rockette missionary sex takes impalement to the next level (and forces the person lying down to do a little cardio). Just like with impaled missionary, the receiving partner lifts one leg up along their partner’s body, but in this version you take turns, switching legs up and down like a Rockette dancer. This position is known in the Kama Sutra as “the broken flute (venudaritaka).”
Strap-On Missionary
Strap-on missionary sex can be done by all genders and orientations, not just by two people with vaginas (although that’s awesome too). It’s a wonderful way for a person with a vagina to see what it feels like being on top of their partner with a penis, by slowly inserting a (well-lubricated, please) dildo into their partner’s vagina or butt. When using a strap-on, take the time to research and find the right one for you, and always clean afterward with warm water and antibacterial soap. Just like with penises, use a condom if using on multiple partners.
Anal Missionary
There is definitely nothing boring about having missionary sex in your butt. Compared to the doggy-style version of sex typically associated with anal, missionary anal sex can take a bit more maneuvring, but it’s well worth it (to help get the angle right, it might be helpful to place a pillow under the receiver). The intimate eye contact involved in missionary takes a sex act like anal, often associated with roughness, and proves it can also be soft and sweet. Regardless of whether you’re using a dildo or penis in anal missionary, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating, make sure to always use proper lubrication. Pro tip: If you’re doing anal missionary with someone who has a vagina, never switch from butt to vagina without a proper washing. That’s how yeast and urinary tract infections are made!
Most people will hear “ruined orgasm,” which are sometimes referred to as “spoiled orgasms” and assume they’re not in for a good time. But, for some people, messing up orgasms during partnered and solo sex when they’re just about to get going, is the hottest thing going.
Ruined orgasms are exactly what they sound like. You aim towards an orgasm, and then spoil it before it can fully materialise. There are some similarities with edging, which is the practice of stopping an orgasm just before it happens and repeatedly edging towards it before allowing yourself to climax. Only, with a ruined orgasm, that eventual satisfaction never comes. It’s all about leaving yourself/your partner without the satisfaction of actually orgasming.
Orgasms are great. They feel earth-shattering in a good way when executed right. So, why on earth would anyone want theirs ruined, you ask?
Why ruin your orgasm?
Well, sex educator Emme Witt who runs the sex newsletter Sugar Cubed, says it’s all about control, and “consensual force,” which is pretty hot to some people. Those who enjoy practising BDSM in their sex lives may take on the roles of ‘sub’ (submissive) and ‘dom’ (dominant) to heighten their pleasure experiences and play with power in the bedroom in a consensual way. Often, this can look like the dom setting the sub a particular set of rules they must abide by, or agreeing to only take part in certain sex acts when the dom says it’s okay to. The dom gets pleasure from having these rules followed, and the sub experiences pleasure by, well, submitting.
“There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”
Witt says playing with ruined orgasms falls perfectly into this type of power exploration in BDSM. “Ruined orgasms can be a way [for a dominant to play by] letting a submissive know that they have been promised an orgasm in reward for [following orders], but just when they think they’ll be experiencing an ecstatic release, the dominant is going to ruin that pleasure.” She adds that for those with a humiliation kink, ruined orgasms can be a great time as the feeling can be degrading.
Of course, this is all pre-negotiated before sex starts and safe words are in place to avoid anyone getting hurt (you can read all about this process and how to do it properly here).
Chris, who works in advertising, tells Mashable he enjoys ruined orgasms because the appeal can be “split into the physical sensation and the emotional/psychological dynamic. Physically, I enjoy the build-up, and the repeated edging that usually accompanies a ruined orgasm scenario. There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”
He also says it pairs well with other aspects of submission and masochism, which he finds appealing, such as “Giving someone else control over my pleasure; watching them get off on the control; the skill, precision, knowledge and communication between us that it takes to ruin an orgasm properly; and just being denied the thing I want most sexually at that critical moment.”
It also leaves him “incredibly horny and needy” and wanting to have sex again straight away, which is fun!
So is a ruined orgasm basically no orgasm at all?
Sexologist Lilith Foxx says “essentially, the body continues with the physical reactions of ejaculation and/or muscular contractions of orgasm, but because the follow through of sensation is abruptly stopped, the emotional and physical ‘release’ does not occur.”
While there might not be a “proper” orgasm, there is “a loss of control, coupled with the release of endorphins, oxytocin, and other hormones that lead to the receiver experiencing increased euphoria, vulnerability, and ‘submission’ to the giver” which, for some people, is as satisfying as an orgasm.
After all, orgasms aren’t the be-all-or-end-all of sex. They shouldn’t be our sole goal during sex; pleasure should.
How are ruined orgasms different from forced orgasms or edging?
A forced orgasm is consensually forcing someone to have an orgasm quickly, either by masturbating them, demanding they masturbate themselves (again, this is all with explicit pre-agreed consent, safe words, and boundaries) or using a vibrator on them.
Edging, also known as orgasm control, is a sexual technique where you maintain a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period without reaching climax. It is in the same “family” of activities as ruined and forced orgasms, but it works differently.
All of these acts involve orgasm control, but they differ in their outcomes. Edging aims to increase orgasm intensity, forced orgasms force people to orgasm quickly, while a ruined orgasm deliberately reduces it.
While they’re not the same, they can be used together for an extra kinky night.
Are there any risks involved with ruined orgasms?
Lilith Foxx notes that, sometimes, feelings of intensity, vulnerability, frustration, and insecurity can occur during ruined orgasm play due to the sudden loss or reduction in sexual stimulation and attention. “The receiver might feel emotionally activated and could even cry,” she warns.
Just like with all types of play, the giver should be prepared to provide aftercare and ensure that the receiver feels emotionally safe and comforted. Lilith Foxx says this might even be needed later on, as not all people will have an immediate reaction. “These feelings can come days or even weeks after.”
How do I get started with ruined orgasm?
Ruined orgasms are really not for everyone. As Witt says, ruining someone’s orgasm isn’t the same as pulling out a pair of fur-lined handcuffs and playing around with a riding crop or a little bondage in bed. They work best for people who enjoy punishment and/or or sub/dom roles during sex.
If you or your partner has enjoyed another kind of punishment-based BDSM play before, it might be that ruined orgasms are for you. In this case, Witt says you must communicate with your partner before, after and during the entire encounter. “Partners really need to be on the same page with the desire to delve into this territory,” she says.
She recommends watching skilled kinksters and sex workers carry out ruined orgasms in ethical videos, or taking a class from a kink workshop, to make sure you go into this sort of play with as much knowledge as possible.
As with any sexual activity, communication is key. Lilith Foxx says it’s important to discuss comfort levels, boundaries, safe words, and how you might signal when you’re about to climax. “One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request. This signals to them that you are about to climax and plays with the power dynamic, but doesn’t feel so ‘clinical’ in application,” she says.
“One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request.”
Chris adds the excitement of ruined orgasms is all in the build-up. While it’s best to discuss ruined orgasms beforehand for consent exchanges and boundary discussion, that conversation can also be really sexy.
“The verbal teasing, the exploration of different options/scenarios and the period of self-denial for days leading up to it can make a ruined orgasm exponentially hotter,” he says, noting that ruined orgasm can also be hot during manual and oral sex rather than just focusing on penis-in-vagina sex, and also marries well with other kinks like anal sex or pegging.
Once you’re ready to get going, Foxx says the simplest method is to to stop or significantly reduce stimulation just as you or your partner near climax. The giver can try adding in words to play up the situation as well, like “Nope! You haven’t earned your orgasm” just as they stop stimulation entirely.
And there you have it, a kinky ruined orgasm that leaves one of you with the power and one of you feeling unfulfilled and gagging for more. Hot.
— Identity is ever-changing, it may be difficult to understand where you stand and that is totally okay! Sexuality and identity is fluid, the most important part is letting yourself explore and learn what you feel the most comfortable with.
In this article, we’ll tackle what it means to be rubber and what it entails to be a part of this community.
Queer communities have a long history of subcultures. From bears, to otters, to butches, there are a variety of ways in which community members have created spaces to feel more like themselves. These subcultures are just another way in which queer folks can feel better represented and seen.
The rubber community is a subculture that involves wearing or fetishizing latex clothing. Wearing latex signals their association and pride with their unconventional approach to sex. Rubber subculture is often related to BDSM practices and interest in sexual activities that involve wearing latex apparel. The queer community has close ties to the BDSM community and we often see them intermingle. This is why a lot of rubber community members are also a part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Learning that you might be a part of the rubber community might be scary at first, but there are many ways to plug yourself into the community and learn to be comfortable with yourself.
if you’re curious about how you might identify, here’s what you should know about what being rubber means:
History of rubber culture
The boom of the latex fetish began in the 1960s and early 1970s. The British TV program The Avengers is often seen as the catalyst for the movement. PVC boots, catsuits, and raincoats were just a few of the kinds of garments that began the rubber subculture.
In 1972 a magazine called AtomAge was founded. It featured BDSM imagery and helped popularize and solidify these subcultures mainly within younger groups of people. In addition, latex became closely related to popular rock bands such as the Sex Pistols who were also huge influencers at the time. The rubber fetish was becoming more and more socially acceptable and popular.
In the 1980s the rubber subculture took a turn and made its way into nightlife culture. Club kids and performers started wearing latex outfits and became pioneers of the rubber subculture. This also brought the rubber community and BDSM community closer. At this time the idea of wearing latex became more related to sexual practices and fetishization.
What makes someone a part of the rubber community?
The one thing all rubber community members have in common is a love of latex itself. Other than that the way one approaches being rubber is completely up to them. Some rubber community members like to wear skin-tight latex outfits such as a catsuit often associated with the dominatrix community. Others might turn to gas masks or galoshes, it all depends on your preference.
The rubber subculture refers to those who feel sexual gratification from feeling, seeing, or even tasting latex. A lot of community members describe wearing latex as a “second skin” which is why it is appealing to some. It may feel like you are naked when you are wearing latex even though you are not, which is a turn-on for some latex wearers.
In addition, sex toys such as dildos or butt plugs are often made from rubber which may be another reason why it’s a material people often associate with sex. The sensory experience of touching latex is a big reason why rubber can be considered sexual.
Truly the main thing that makes someone rubber is being an active community member. The rubber subculture can be seen represented at pride weeks and in safe spaces. In recent years, it has been very important to understand how sex can be more than just conventional.
It’s also always a great idea to trust that members of the community know more about their identity than you do. Listen to rubber community members when they speak about their identity and don’t doubt or assume anything.
Perspectives on being rubber
Being a part of the rubber community should be a source of pride. Being able to be a part of these subcultures can mean a variety of things including finding yourself and where you stand in terms of your sexuality and identity. It is important to remember that communities such as the rubber community face a great deal of oppression and unwarranted hate.
There are a variety of myths and misconceptions regarding the rubber community that we are working on debunking. Because the rubber subculture is closely related to the BDSM community and explores a very sex-positive part of oneself this leads to unnecessarily negative connotations. The idea that rubbers are “all about sex” or that the community is “abusive” are lies and myths. Consensual sex is the only kind of sex accepted within these communities, non-consensual acts are NOT condoned in any shape or form. Sex positivity changes the cultural attitude we have that sex is “taboo” when in fact it is just another way we express ourselves.
It is also important to note the intersectionality between the rubber community and the LGBTQ+ community, Although the rubber community is accepting of everyone we should always acknowledge those who pioneered the movement and who at first were marginalized and oppressed for expressing themselves. It is because of these brave individuals that we can have things such as rubber pride week.
A great way to better understand the rubber perspective is to keep up to date with rubber news and follow individuals who are advocating for rights and policies that benefit the community. Reading about what it means to be rubber and be a part of this vast community is a great way to better understand the rubber viewpoint.
The rubber flag
The rubber pride flag was designed by Peter Tolos and Scott Moats in 1995. This flag is not meant to represent any sexualities or gender identities. It is only meant to represent the rubber community as a whole. Regardless, this flag is often seen flying at pride week because a lot of LGBTQ+ community members also identify with the rubber subculture. The colors mean as follows:
Black: The desire for the rubber/latex look and feel.
Red: The blood passion for rubbermen (gay men with a rubber fetish) and rubber itself.
Yellow: A drive for intense rubber play and fantasies.
Bottom Line
Being rubber can mean a lot of things, it can mean your love for the kink world, for rubber garments itself, or for sensory play. There is not just one way to approach being a part of the rubber community. Although there are many who don’t understand the nuances and layers that come with this multifaceted identity, there is nothing wrong with being rubber. You are the only person who can determine your identity.
Subcultures within the LGBGTQ+ community are an essential part of what it means to be whoever you want to be. That is why the BDSM community and the LGBTQ+ community have so many ties, because both communities value the idea of being yourself.
If some of the ideas above resonate with you and you’re thinking of coming out, make sure the conditions are safe and have a plan of action regarding housing and food if things don’t go as planned.
In addition, be sure to learn about the other identities that make up the LGBTQ+ community on our website or subscribe to the INTO newsletter to learn more.
Contrary to what you might have seen on TV or in movies, role-playing doesn’t always have to include sexy costumes or feel super kinky, if that’s not your vibe. Like with most things when it comes to sex, you’re able to customize it to your specific needs and the fantasies you want to explore. It’s meant to help you step out of your comfort zone, try something new, and explore different sexual dynamics with your partner—all really great things that can help you heat up your sex life when you’re eager for a change.
“Role-playing is when an individual plays a different person or character in a sexual situation, which can be everything from vanilla sex to a full-on kink/BDSM scene,” says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, MEd, sex expert for Lovehoney. So, sure, you can go all out and create a dungeon vibe, but you can also take it slow and keep it simple, like pretending you’re strangers who are hooking up for the first time. “Roleplaying can be as intricate or minimal as the individuals involved want,” says Frye-Nekrasova.
What Are Some of the Benefits of Roleplaying?
There are multiple benefits that role-playing can have, not just in your sex life, but in your relationship with your partner, and even in your relationship with yourself. But one of the biggest ones? It lets you step out of your usual routine, which can be especially helpful if you’ve been together for a long time and craving something new.
“Many couples don’t vary a lot from the kind of play (and roles within it) that have become normative for them—like gender roles, often, but also who initiates sex, whose preferences tend to get the most focus, how adventuresome or comfort-level-focused they are,” says staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, Carol Queen, PhD, curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum and author of Exhibitionism for the Shy. Role-play gives you the chance to do something different outside of your usual sex life, and who knows? You might like it enough to make it part of your regular routine. But that’s what makes it so beneficial—there’s no pressure to really have to, if you want to keep it separate. “Role-play gives you so much permission to try things on, and like a costume, you can take it off when you’re done,” says Queen.
It can also let you experience what it’s like to have sex with “someone else” if you’re curious about that, but you still want to be monogamous with your partner. “You can be someone else, but you don’t have to be with someone else,” says Frye-Nekrasova.
Beyond allowing you to explore new sides to your relationship and sexual dynamic, role-playing can also help you explore new sides to yourself. “It’s common for us to feel like we have to be a certain way or fit a certain aesthetic, role, or persona, but role-playing can give people the space to explore a side of them that they don’t think they have space for in other areas of their life,” says Frye-Nekrasova. This, says Queen, can be really eye-opening and life-changing. “It can introduce you to varying possibilities within your personality too, as when a fairly reserved person takes on a dominant role,” she says. “It can open doors when it comes to realizing what you want, or what you like about what you already have.”
What Are Some Roleplaying Safety Tips?
Define parameters and negotiate your scene before starting. Think of negotiation as the pre-scene huddle. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to establish boundaries, talk about consent, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and the details of what roles you want to play. “Do you want to be called a specific name the whole time? Are there any names or roles you aren’t comfortable with?” asks Frye-Nekrasova.
When it comes to negotiating, Queen says not to leave anything about your wants and needs up to guesswork, and to be explicit! “This is an opportunity to be clear,” she says. This is also a great time to…
Establish a safe word. Especially in role-play, “something someone says or does in character may turn you off or overstep a boundary, and you need to make it clear that you need to pause,” says Frye-Nekrasova. This is why it’s so important to have a safe word in place. It can be something as silly as “banana” or as simple as “red”—just make sure you have one and that you’re on the same page. Also, make sure it’s something that your partner understands as a signal to stop, not something that can get lost in the scene or role you’re playing. “You don’t want your partner misinterpreting you saying something as a part of the role-playing.”
Stay sober. Substances can alter your state of mind and make it impossible to consent, so make sure you’re sober and/or minimize everything from alcohol, to party drugs, to hypnosis. Stay aware of how you’re feeling, says Queen, and…
Only play with people you know and trust, especially if you’re roleplaying for the first time. Make sure that you’re in good hands and that the person (or people!) you’re engaging with respect your boundaries and limits. On the same token, you might also want to leave bondage and restraint play for later exploration, says Queen. “You want to know how your scene partner will respond to a safe word and exercise care.”
What Are Some Common Sexual Roleplay Ideas to Try?
When it comes to deciding what scene you want to play, anything goes as long as you and your partner are comfortable and consenting. You can involve costumes, accessories, decor, you can play in the comfort of your own home, or at a dungeon, or a sex party. You can play with just each other, or involve other consenting people as long as the lines of communication are open and everyone’s aligned. Think about what dynamics or sides to yourself and your relationship you want to explore. Here are some common scenarios ideas to start, according to Frye-Nekrasova and Queen.
1. Strangers
This is a great one to start off with if you’ve never role-played before. Meet at a bar and pretend you don’t know each other, give yourselves different names, accents, jobs, and go home together for a “nightcap.”
2. Doctor or nurse/patient
This scenario would never be okay IRL, but in role-playing, it lets you play with Dominant/submissive dynamics. Perhaps you and/or your partner get turned on by authority in this scenario, or by being told what to do. It’s also a fun one in which to use costumes or accessories. (Aka: Time to pull out that “slutty nurse” costume from college.)
3. Teacher/student
Another one that would never be okay IRL, but much like the scene above, the teacher/student dynamic is a common role-play scenario that allows you to play with power dynamics—particularly punishment. Maybe you did so poorly on an exam, and you need to face the consequences.
4. Boss/employee
Again—not okay IRL, but a fun option when it comes to role-play and power dynamics. Perhaps you need to spend some ~alone time~ going over “notes” after a “meeting”?
5. A virgin and a seductive, experienced partner
Maybe your actual first time was a dud. Well, this is the chance to relive it and re-do it exactly how you would’ve wanted it to be. Pretend that one of you is a virgin being seduced by someone who wants to show you how it’s done, or pretend it’s both of your first times!
6. Groupie/rock star
Your favorite musician saw you in the audience, was so captivated by you, and is inviting you backstage for a ~behind-the-scenes~ experience.
Grab a plastic crown from a party supply store and pretend like one of you is royalty, while the other is them handmaiden, obeying commands to please them as they wish.
9. Repair-person or delivery-person
If you’ve ever fantasized about getting it on with a stranger who conveniently just shows up to your house, this might be a good one to test out. Use fake names, and ask them to “come in” and “take a look at your broken dishwasher.”
10. Shop associate
This one could be especially tempting in a “lingerie store” scenario, where they’re giving you suggestions and recommendations on what to try on.
11. Landlord/tenant
This is another great one (but very-not-okay-IRL one) if you’re into the whole “person shows up in the middle of the day” thing, like with a repair-person. Pretend like your partner is your landlord, you’re late on rent, and it’s time to pay up.
12. Roommates
Pretend like you’re roommates who’ve had chemistry bubbling up between them for months. This is a great opportunity to get out of your bedroom and try having sex in different parts of your place. On the kitchen counter, perhaps?
In order to get down and play with submission, you have to relinquish the societal norms of “masculinity.” Being submissive means relishing in surrendering, relaxing and being turned on by not being the one in charge during sex. It’s a chance to let go and capitulate.
And this scares people a whole lot. Many men want to embrace and enjoy this side of themselves but are worried about the social implications of handing over their power to a partner. It can feel too vulnerable, even when it’s something you desire very badly.
Why is it so frightening to want to embrace your inner sub as a cis dude? In short, toxic masculinity. “Somehow, still in the year 2023, many people consider subbing to be a feminine activity, so men are ashamed to explore a submissive side sexually,” explains Zachary Zane, the author ofBoyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. “They think it makes them ‘less of a real man.’”
Suffice to say, this is ridiculous. You’re not “less manly” just because you want to get pegged, tied up or slapped while in the sack. In fact, the men who are able to embrace their sexual desires and have the confidence to explore are the ones showing true masculinity. To be that secure is sexy as hell.
If being submissive is something you’ve been wanting to try, you’re in really good company. It’s totally normal, fun and hot to want to get into this role. The key is embracing it is to create an experience that feels right and pleasurable for you and your partner(s). You may have a clear idea of how you see your submissive role, or you may not right now — and that’s okay! Here is everything you need to know about submission in sex, and how you can play with it in a way that feels authentic to you.
What Is a Submissive?
Before being able to be submissive, it’s important to be clear about what a submissive is and what this role entails. The role can manifest in many different ways, depending on the people involved in the play. But Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (gender and sexual relationship diversity), tells us that “the essential core concept of submission is about intentional power exchange with a partner.”
The power exchange with submission can take place in vanilla/non-kinky sex if one partner is being submissive to the other, but usually when we refer to this dynamic, we’re talking about BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism). The submissive role is one half of a dominant/submissive (D/s) role play. The submissive hands over their power (with enthusiastic consent) to the dominant partner. “By granting the dominant their power, the submissive increases the dominant’s power over them,” Criss says. “It’s a gift that requires self-awareness and trust.”
The range of D/s activities is truly limitless, but Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert, tells us that some typical play may include “being dominated, restrained and controlled.” The sub may derive sexual pleasure from these activities, but not all D/s play involves sex.
The Appeal of Being Submissive During Sex
The reason people enjoy submission is rooted in giving up control. Criss tells us that for cis men specifically, the turn-on can be about challenging the social order. “Cis-het menfolk are traditionally expected to have greater agency and power in their social roles,” she says. Through submission, you can subvert these roles and embrace a side of yourself that isn’t traditionally expected (or accepted) of you. And the taboo nature of this is freakin’ hot.
Zane says that it’s also about simply being able to relax and not think for a hot minute. “This is especially true for overthinkers or high-powered professionals who manage a team and have to make a ton of decisions,” he says. “When you sub, you don’t need to decide anything. You simply do as you’re told. It can be very freeing.”
Lastly, the appeal of being a submissive can be plain old fun. Giving up your power in a trusting way to a dom partner and engaging in agreed-upon activities that you enjoy is a good time. “Being a sub is also associated with elements of physical pleasure that you typically don’t experience while domming,” Zane says. For example, you may like the sensation of being spanked, slapped or receiving anal stimulation when you sub. It’s a change-up.
Four Expert-Approved Tips to Play With Being the Submissive in a Safe Way
If you’re feeling inspired (and we hope you are), here’s what you can do to let your inner submissive run wild.
Do Some Research First
The first step is to take some personal time to think about your desires and limits. This takes a bit of research. “Self-awareness is essential to this kind of play because it enables partners to communicate in the creation of their dynamic, in the post-play debrief and if a scene doesn’t go as planned,” Criss says.
If you’re interested in learning about BDSM and D/s play, this beginner’s course from Chiaramonte is the perfect place to start. Part of learning is about understanding “the risks involved and [taking] steps to mitigate them,” Chiaramonte explains. “Learn about safe practices and techniques that make you feel safe in submission.”
Get Very Clear About What You Want (and Don’t Want)
Zane tells us that nothing should be a surprise when you’re engaging in this play. Scenes need to be highly negotiated beforehand, which takes clear and honest communication. He suggests considering the following questions: What do you like to be called during sex? Where do you want to be spanked? Do you like spit in your mouth? Do you like your hair pulled? Is anal play on the table?
“Have a safe word,” he adds. “You may think something turns you on, but then in the scene, you feel uncomfortable. That’s totally okay. You’re allowed to stop at any point.”
Take It Slowly
Our experts agree that taking things slowly is absolutely essential when you’re starting out with playing as the submissive. It is vulnerable territory, both emotionally and physically, and therefore it should be handled with caution and care. “Start with some dirty talk,” Zane says. “See how that feels. Then maybe incorporate some light spanking. There’s truly no rush. If you enjoy what you’re doing, you can then take it one step further.”
Once you feel safe and comfortable, you can open yourself up to more advanced play.
Have a Plan for Aftercare
Aftercare is the period post-scene where you take some time to come down and return to baseline. Emotions run high during D/s scenes — and when you’re playing with power dynamics as a cis dude, intense feelings can come up because of all the societal pressure around what it means to “be a man.” Zane suggests having “your partner hold you, bring you water or support you in another way once the scene is over.”
Remember, playing with the submissive does not say anything about who you are as a person. It simply means you enjoy certain kinds of dynamics in the bedroom. Everyone deserves to have the kind of sex they enjoy and to feel safe in expressing their desires.
In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice.Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.
Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.
Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).
Set your boundaries
Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.
Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.
Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?
If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.
Top orgasm tip
If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”
How can I last longer in bed?
Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.
I want to try kink…
Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”
How to have sober sex
We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.
“Being unapologetically myself is radical, and an act of self-love.”
By Evan Johnson
You may not expect me, as a disabled person, to be interested in the world of leather and rope.
But, as an advocate for sex positivity, I’m here to tell you disabled people can be asexual or hypersexual, vanilla or kinky — and everything in between.
Disabled people experience the same full spectrum of desire
People are interested in kinks and fetishes — which can be broadly defined as all non-conventional acts of intimacy between consenting adults, often with a sexual connotation but not always — for a variety of reasons.
For me, I’ve found kinks provide a therapeutic effect that I can’t seem to find elsewhere. I feel connected to my body and empowered.
Sexual freedom and empowerment are positive forces for anyone, but especially in those who are desexualised and infantilised — as is so often the case with the disabled community.
As a disabled kinkster, I subvert expectations and embody roles you may not expect from someone like me, which I find powerful.
Being unapologetically myself in my identities as a kinky disabled person is radical, and an act of self-love.
As a more dominant person, I find flipping the script of “the weak disabled person who needs help and saving” to be important.
Being in the dominant position of more mobility and less pain by comparison to a partner is empowering, as I am not in this position in daily life.
And, of course, this goes for submission too. It can be empowering to be experiencing pain and mobility restriction consensually, rather than your “normal ongoing symptoms”.
I like to think of kink as a tool for pain management. If you’re so focused on receiving a different type of pain elsewhere on your body, or giving that to someone else, it’s like your “regular pains” become background noise, as researchers have explored.
Embracing the somatic experiences of letting go, being vulnerable and trusting in your body can feel healing — especially when you don’t feel so connected to your physical body.
Fetishisation of disabled people is a real issue that can be destructive for the disability community – and as with all sex acts, it’s important fetishes are only acted upon with the enthusiastic consent of those involved. (Also, kinks aren’t for everyone. And if they’re not your thing, that’s perfectly fine!)
But, personally, I’ve found kink can also be a whole-body somatic experience. Pleasure does not have to be limited to the genitals. This may be particularly important to those with certain disabilities where sensation and other factors may be altered.
“Ultimately, living with disability doesn’t have to define who you are and what you can be interested in.”
I’ve also found a sense of community through kink, learning firsthand that online or in-person communities can be a great source of information, advice and friendships.
I would not be where I am today — as a proud, disabled, sex positivity advocate — if it weren’t for the amazing people I’ve met in local Adelaide leather and fetish groups.
Communicate thoroughly, and other golden rules
For those curious about exploring the world of kinks, a good starting point is to read or watch content around consent and what you’re interested in, with a focus on safety and harm reduction.
A golden rule is: remember to start gently and communicate thoroughly with all involved.
Living with disability often means we must go about things in different ways — and luckily, there’s a wide variety of aids and toys that can help you engage in what interests you.
From positioning aids like sex swings and wedges, to long-handled toys and hands-free devices, there are infinite ways to ensure that no matter what your ability is, you can still have sex that is meaningful to you.
Ultimately, living with disability doesn’t have to define who you are and what you can be interested in.
Whether kinks interest you or not, I hope your experience of sexuality is empowering and a pleasurable experience for you.
You deserve it — no matter what your abilities are.
Mainstream society tends to label kinks and fetishes as taboo, which is ironic because a kink is simply anything besides standard “vanilla” sex. Based on this description, being kinky is normal!
I like to think of kinks as the sprinkles of life — anything that deviates from the norm. For instance, perhaps I am loving life and missionary position and my partner gently sucked my toe for a few seconds and I enjoy it. Perhaps I like to call my partner Daddy. Ladies and gentlemen, I just partook in a kink.
Studies have shown that people with kinks and fetishes tend to possess above-average intelligence — so it’s not exactly a bad thing! Kinky folks are the type of people to taste vanilla ice cream and think, wow that is delicious, what happens if you add chocolate syrup?
No, I am not trying to get you on the kink train. What this is really about is why does such a large portion of our society see kinks and fetishes as taboo?
Being kinky is normal
Kink is a consensual practice that includes role-play, power dynamics, or fetishes. It doesn’t have to involve actual sex. Perhaps I love the feel of furry socks on my skin under the sheets. Kinky sex requires communication about desires and limits to make sure everyone enjoys the experience. We often do not even realize we would enjoy something because we label it as being weird or “societally unacceptable.”
When you are close-minded you deny yourself the opportunity to explore your mind and body. Kinks can be simple or they can be complex.
Exploring your partner’s body while alternating between drinking hot tea and sucking on an ice cube or putting on a furry costume and dancing to the electric slide before engaging in wild sex in a kiddy pool full of jello. Spanking, group sex, polyamory, exhibitionism, whipping, slapping, or even just talking about kinky stuff during sex, all fall into the “kinky spectrum.”
Most people fit somewhere on the ‘kinky spectrum’
It never occurred to me that kink could be considered a “bad” thing until I became familiar with an online BDSM test. I often recommend this quiz to online daters who want to see if a potential partner might be sexually compatible. Half the time, clients would look appalled and respond with some variation of, “I’m not a pervert.” Which I find unfortunate. After all, as we’ve established, kink is normal!
Is it perverted to admit that I love pizza with lots of toppings? What is a normal for pizza? To discover cheese pizza and then never eat anything else besides cheese pizza or do I start to wonder, “What would it be like if I added green peppers, pepperoni, or jalapeños?”
This doesn’t mean I no longer appreciate pizza, I’m just a normal human being exploring my creativity.
I have had numerous clients over the years who at some point in time during a long-term relationship developed a desire to explore something new. One client started to become aroused by the idea of being dominated. They were extremely afraid of revealing this to their partner. So much so that they hired a dominatrix in order to avoid that conversation completely. This is an extremely common occurrence — but being deceptive or secretive when you have promised your partner you’d be monogamous or honest about interacting with other partners is not healthy.
Wouldn’t it be healthier if we could accept that wanting to try new things in bed is normal and healthy?
People change, and so do their fantasies & desires
It would be stranger to be in a long-term relationship with someone who at no point in time wants to try something new in the bedroom. Something important to remember: People change.
If you develop a new side of yourself you want to explore but choose to ignore it it could lead to anxiety and depression. Failure to overcome a stigma and internalizing that stigma has negative effects on every aspect of your life.
Dirty talk during foreplay or sex is a great way to add variety and keeps things hot. Kinky sex does not have to include BDSM.
When you find someone and you get married it is highly unlikely that their sexuality will not evolve in any way. It’s perfectly normal to encounter something and wonder if it might be enjoyable. It’s normal to want to try something new.
Open communication leads to healthier relationships
It’s important that you have a partner you feel comfortable with so you can discuss your thoughts openly but with compassion. What you don’t want to do is approach your partner with, “Hey we’ve been together a long time and I’m really getting bored. I like variety, you know this, babe. Do you think we could include one of your friends in the bedroom?” or whatever is intriguing you.
I often encounter male clients who want to convince their partners to have an open relationship or at least the occasional threesome. A large portion of the time their partner is not comfortable with bringing another person into their relationship. For these people, I suggest partaking in fantasy. Yes, even this would be considered kinky!
One good way to do this is to go there in your mind and talking through it during foreplay or while having intercourse can be so stimulating that many of my clients were completely satisfied without partaking in an additional partner. The great part is in your mind the rules of life are irrelevant.
Exploring sexual pleasure through kink is all about finding what feels good to you. Whether you enjoy BDSM, using sex toys in bed, indulging your praise kink, or spicing things up with a little sex chocolate, there are nearly endless fun things to try. Although you can totally experiment solo, getting kinky consensually with a partner can be super hot, too — especially when you really start to learn each other’s desires. But what happens when you don’t like your partner’s kink?
“Misaligned kinks can look a number of ways,” Lena Peak, a sexuality educator at The Expansive Group who has a master’s degree in social work, tells Elite Daily. “Perhaps one partner is kinky and the other partner is more ‘vanilla,’ or maybe both partners are kinky but they don’t have much interest in each other’s kinks.” If your preferences feel mismatched, Peak says it can cause “surprise, concern, excitement, disappointment, curiosity, or even disgust.”
Maybe your partner has a humiliation kink, but you don’t find it attractive — or they like the idea of golden showers, but for you, that’s a total turn-off. If you don’t like your partner’s kink, you may worry about your sex life and even start to doubt your long-term compatibility. You may also feel hesitant to bring it up out of fear of making things awkward or hurting your partner’s feelings. Here’s how to approach the situation, according to sexperts.
If You Don’t Like Your Partner’s Kink, Is That Bad?
PSA: It’s natural to have different tastes and preferences during sex. DuEwa “Kaya” Spicer, a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist, says not to stress if your partner’s kink isn’t for you. “It is perfectly normal to not share all the same erotic interests,” they say. ”It doesn’t have to mean anything more than ‘to each their own.’”
Recognizing your differences can sometimes bring you closer. “Having different kinks can encourage couples to communicate more openly and honestly about their desires and boundaries,” Rhiannon John, a certified sexologist at BedBible, tells Elite Daily. “Additionally, it can allow couples to explore new sexual experiences … which can be exciting and fulfilling.” You may find that even though you don’t like your partner’s kink at first, you grow to like the way it turns them on — or it leads you to discover a new kink you both love equally.
This situation doesn’t necessarily spell the end of your relationship. According to John, kink is only one small piece of the compatibility puzzle. “Sexual compatibility is complex,” John explains. “[It] also involves sexual attraction, physical and emotional intimacy, communication, trust, respect, and the ability to satisfy each other’s sexual needs and desires.”
That said, everyone’s sexual needs are different, and in some cases, having mismatched kinks can be a deal-breaker. “Different people place different values on the importance of sex in their intimate relationships,” Peak says. “Some people may place a high value on having matching or aligned kinks, and they may be more inclined to feel like the relationship isn’t sexually compatible.” If you feel like it’s becoming an issue in your sex life, it may be time to have a conversation about it.
How To Tackle The Convo With Your Partner
If you want to broach the topic with your significant other, experts suggest approaching it with care. “Be mindful about when and where the conversation takes place,” Peak says. “Make sure everyone is in the right headspace and is able to give their undivided attention. Refrain from judgmental statements, facial expressions, or body language when your partner shares sexual interests that may not align with yours.” Instead, Peak recommends being open and curious about your partner’s desires, and thanking them when they share.
“The goal is to find what I call ‘sexual empathy,’” says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a licensed sex and relationships therapist and the director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute. She suggests asking your partner what, specifically, they love about their kink and seeking to understand the “why” behind it. “You might [learn] that their kink makes them feel powerful, or it helps them let go, or it gives them a freedom they don’t feel in the rest of their life,” she says. “You may be able to relate to those things, even if you can’t relate to their kink.”
If your partner likes BDSM, for instance, but you don’t see the appeal, you might ask: “What about BDSM do you enjoy?” Or, “Is there a particular sensation or feeling that you’re seeking?” You may be surprised to find similarities with some of your own kinks or eventually feel comfortable enough to explore your partner’s fantasy.
That said, even after talking with your partner, you may still find their kink unattractive, and that’s OK, too. “I do not encourage folks to participate in kinks just to please their partner,” Spicer says. “Doing so may build resentment between the couple, ultimately negatively impacting their sex life… do it because you want to or you are curious about the kink.”
Let’s Say You’re Still Unsure. Should You Try Their Kink Anyway?
Ultimately, it’s up to you if you want to engage in your partner’s kink or not — but if you do, consent, boundaries, safety, and communication are crucial.
“It’s OK to feel unsure or neutral about your partner’s kink, but consent is a must,” Peak says. “Remember that you can revoke your consent at any time. One way to communicate this to your partner is [by saying], ‘I’m not sure how I feel about this kink yet, but I’m willing to explore and find out together.’”
Before trying it out, Peak and Spicer recommend creating an agreement with your partner, setting boundaries, creating safe words (or gestures), practicing negotiation, and planning aftercare in advance. Additionally, experts say that attending a kink workshop and exploring kink solo through porn, erotica, or fantasizing can help you feel more comfortable engaging with different kinks in general. You can also join a kink community by attending a local munch (a casual gathering of folks who are interested in BDSM, kink, and fetishes) or joining a social network like Fetlife. Folks in polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationships may also find it helpful to join a dating app like KinkD, Feeld, or Kinkoo.
If you don’t like your partner’s kink, it doesn’t mean your relationship can’t work — but in some cases, you may decide to part ways, and that’s OK, too. If you’ve done your part to communicate openly and listen to each other’s needs, and things still aren’t working out, it may be a sign that not being together is for the best. After all, you both deserve happy, fulfilling sex lives — and sometimes, it’s not always a match.
“We are entitled to our sexual pleasure. It is our birthright,” Spicer says. “Either way, practice compassion, empathy, and care.”
Having sex is healthy. Most experts also agree that it’s beneficial to couples — it’s basic human nature! Plus, who doesn’t want to see their partners enjoy sex? It’s easy to navigate your way while getting it on in the bedroom. However, communicating with your partner to find out what she likes in bed is easier — just ask her!
If you’re not sure which questions to ask to find out what she likes in bed, we got you! Here are 10 ways to find out what she likes in bed (not necessarily in order):
Ask your partner these questions to find out what she likes in bed:
1. “How do you like to be kissed?
Sex or no sex, kissing is an intimate act — not only can it oftentimes be a wholesome act, but it’s also a great way to show your emotional and physical admiration for her. But what’s important to know is how she even wants to be kissed in the first place.
Asking her how she likes to be kissed may not sound that important, but you can find out what she likes in bed by getting to the details of how she likes kissing and being kissed — how much tongue does she like? Does she enjoy her lower lip lightly bitten or sucked? What’s her preferred pace?https://www.laweekly.com/how-to-find-out-what-she-likes-in-bed/
Moreover, even though kissing is commonly done, some women don’t like being kissed at all! If she’s one of those people, respect her preference — it’s probably not because of you. But if it is you, then this question is even more relevant to ask — because you’ll find out how you can improve your kissing game.
2. “Do you like to give oral sex?”
To some women, going down on their partner can be intimidating — because not a lot of them are confident with their fellatio skills. If this is the case, you can reassure her or teach her how you prefer receiving oral sex. But if she’s just not into it, that’s her decision to make.
But if she does like giving oral sex, then, well…it’s a win-win for you two!
3. “Do you like being on the receiving end of oral sex?”
Again, oral sex — some women like giving it, some women like receiving one, and some just don’t! One reason a woman doesn’t like receiving oral sex is because they’re insecure about the “odor” that they think they have down there. If this is her reason for having an aversion to cunnilingus, let her know that the vagina isn’t meant to smell like roses — and there will be a certain scent that shouldn’t be considered “foul!” Unless, of course, she has an infection — if so, that should be treated right away!
Another reason for a woman not wanting to be on the receiving end of oral sex is it simply just doesn’t do anything for them — some might even feel that their clitoris can get “overstimulated.” On the other hand, if she doesn’t mind cunnilingus, then, there’s another act that can amp up your sex life!
4. “What makes you orgasm?”
Women climax to different triggers. Some like their nipples played with, some prefer clitoris massages, others need g-spot or cervix stimulation — other women also get off to anal sex. Regardless of which one it is, it’s important to find out what makes her orgasm. Isn’t that the ultimate goal anyway?
5. “How do you feel about having sex in public places?”
If you and your partner agree that public sex is a “yay,” and you guys plan on doing it, find out first the laws in which the sex act will be committed. Public sex is common and it’s typically done in planes (aka the mile-high club), cars, parks, and so on. It’s generally harmless when no one catches you in the act, but, in California, public sexual activity is an offense.
The California penal code 647(a) states that it’s a crime to “engage in or to solicit anyone to engage in lewd or dissolute conduct in any public place or in any place open to the public or exposed to public view,” Therefore, when engaging in public sex, you and your partner should be very careful. It’s also best that you’re aware of the possible repercussions if you get caught!
6. “Are you into threesomes or group sex?”
Group sex is a common sexual fantasy — and lots of folks also engage in one. If you or your partner is into threesomes or group sex, discuss first who and how you’ll get other people to join the ”party!” What will the situation be like? — MFM? MMF? FFM? FMF? Are you and your partner exclusive? Will it remain that way afterward? These are the few questions that you and your partner should discuss.
But if you’re not into threesomes, group sex, swinging, or polyamory, in general, you don’t have to engage in one! She also has to respect your decision, if so — and so should you with her decision, if she’s the one who refuses to participate in those aforementioned non-monogamous sex acts.
7. “Do you like using sex toys?”
Adult toys have made their way into countless women’s nightstands. But if your partner doesn’t own one, doesn’t plan on owning one, and she’s not open to being stimulated by one, then you can stick to — uhh — sticking your own junk inside instead.
On the other hand, if she does like sex toys, then sex can become even more exciting — because you’ll have a device (or two, or more!) to help you make her achieve an orgasm!
8. “What’s your favorite position?”
Sometimes, we have to go back to basics: a simple switch in position is enough to make a woman orgasm! You just have to find out what she likes in bed by asking what her favorite position is! Whether it’s eye contact from an intimate missionary position, or she likes to receive it from behind — for maximum cervix stimulation — there are creative ways to make her climax.
9. “Are you into sexting?”
Turning her on doesn’t always have to involve physical contact. Sometimes, sexting is enough to make her want you in the bedroom ASAP! But find out first if she’s into that. Furthermore, ask her how she feels about dick pics, sending her nudes, or if she also wants to send you some.
10. “Do you have preferred erotic acts, kinks, fetishes, or sexual fantasies?”
In essence, penetrative sex is the act of repeatedly thrusting the penis inside a woman’s orifice — be it the vagina or the anus. But most people don’t settle with just that! That’s why it’s practically normal to have sexual preferences, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes — even if it’s simple hair-pulling or spanking. Additionally, some are into, say, shower sex or dirty talk.
Some women also like being tied up or blindfolded — and other women prefer doing these to their partner instead. Regardless of what it is, she probably has one erotic act that she enjoys doing — or be done to her. Just like you!
Speaking of kinks…
However, some kinks, fantasies, or fetishes have to be thoroughly thought of before you and your partner perform them — some of them may be commonly done, and they sure as heck wouldn’t be common if they weren’t enjoyable to many, but there are possible dangers to some sex acts.
Here are common sex acts and kinks you can ask to find out what she likes in bed, and the potential consequences:
Age gap kink
Age gap kink, DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl), or as the internet calls it: the daddy kink! Some women like to role-play that they’re being dominated by someone older than them — or someone who will simply just dominate them. But it also depends on her fantasies about how big the “age gap” will be and how sexually aggressive their “Daddy” will be. In some instances, it’s she who wants to role-play as the older person — or be called “Mommy” in some situations.
However, make sure that the age gap kink remains a kink or act of role-play — under no circumstances should either party involve an actual minor! According to Searah Deysach, a sex educator based in Chicago, in her interview with Insider (regarding the age gap kink), “It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,”
Role-playing as a minor (whether it’s her or if she asks that it be you) isn’t necessarily a “red flag,” but the actual involvement of a minor is a serious, serious crime that can inevitably land you both in jail!
Foot fetish
Foot fetish involves performing sexual acts using the feet. But sometimes, the feet are the “main event.” Some women like her feet adored, and some like her feet tickled, licked, or stimulated. Now, a foot fetish is far from dangerous. If she has this fetish, and you’re willing to give it a go, just make sure that you guys are licking each other’s clean feet! It harbors tons of bacteria!
Choking
Choking, erotic asphyxiation, or breath play seems to be another trending topic or widely-discussed kink on the internet. It involves cutting off the oxygen supply to the brain — which enhances sexual excitement. This can be a safe sexual act if you know how to properly perform it. If she’s into choking, and you’re willing to perform it on her, do your research first on how to properly sexually choke someone!
The United States National Library of Medicine published a journal and they estimate that 200 to 1,000 people die from erotic asphyxiation every year. Therefore, we cannot stress it enough: do your research first!
BDSM
You can say that BDSM is one of the few all-time favorite kinks! That’s why if she’s into BDSM, or Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Sadism, Masochism, you shouldn’t be too surprised! Lots of sexual acts fall under the BDSM category. Therefore, there isn’t a single act to define what it is — or what she would want you guys to do.
However, again, BDSM is supposed to involve non-dangerous or non-permanent ways of inflicting mild to moderate pain or discomfort for erotic purposes. Thus, one should be very careful when performing BDSM with your partner. Have a safe word!
All in All,
The best way to find out what she likes in bed ultimately boils down to one thing: communication. Whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, or FWB, it’s important to find out what she likes in bed — so you guys can make the most out of your experience and both of you achieve la petite mort! Because neither of you deserves an uncomfortable one — and definitely not a risky one!
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