What’s The Difference Between Kink And Fetish?

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By Cara Sutra

What’s The Difference Between Kink And Fetish?

With increasing awareness of and interest in BDSM, much of the related jargon and terms have made their way into common parlance. Two such words are ‘kink’ and ‘fetish’. They’re often used interchangeably, but as they are two different words it’s natural to wonder what the actual meanings are. What’s the difference between kink and fetish?

What Does Kink Mean?

Wikipedia describes kink in the following way.

In human sexuality, kinkiness is any unconventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. The term derives from the idea of a “bend” (cf. a “kink”) in one’s sexual behaviour, to contrast such behaviour with “straight” or “vanilla” sexual mores and proclivities. The term kink has been claimed by some who practice sexual fetishism as a term or synonym for their practices, indicating a range of sexual and sexualistic practices from playful to sexual objectification and certain paraphilias. 

Kink sexual practices go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners. Some draw a distinction between kink and fetishism, defining the former as enhancing partner intimacy, and the latter as replacing it. Because of its relation to “normal” sexual boundaries, which themselves vary by time and place, the definition of what is and is not kink varies widely as well. 

…And Fetish?

Meanwhile, the Wikipedia page for fetish states:

Sexual fetishism or erotic fetishism is a sexual fixation on a nonliving object or nongenital body part. The object of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object is a fetishist. A sexual fetish may be regarded as a non-pathological aid to sexual excitement, or as a mental disorder if it causes significant psychosocial distress for the person or has detrimental effects on important areas of their life. Sexual arousal from a particular body part can be further classified as partialism. 

While medical definitions restrict the term sexual fetishism to objects or body parts, fetish can also refer to sexual interest in specific activities in common discourse. 

So, Is There A Difference Between Kink And Fetish?

Reading the above descriptions from Wiki, and drawing on my own experience of both, I’d say there’s a distinction between kink and fetish. However, there’s also a definite overlap. You have a fetish for something, and you’re a kinky person because of that fetish. Or, you’re a kinky person with kinks who enjoys kinky activities.

Or, you’re vanilla with no kinks, no desire to act kinkily and without any fetishes.

At least, that’s my understanding.

How I Understand It

Here’s my thoughts on both. You can be kinky – as in, being aroused by unusual things and practices and acting on that arousal – and you can have kinks. You could have a kink for being blindfolded, or for being spanked.

Having a fetish for something, fetishising an object or a practice seems to be more of an obsessive behaviour. Less of a choice and more of a hardwired compulsion, to the exclusion of sensibility if allowed to run riot. Fetish is often used interchangeably with kink, though, both to demonstrate one’s affection for their personal kink(s) and also because the speaker classes kink and fetish as fairly similar.

Fetish has always been used to show a deeper / more hardcore affinity for a practice than kink, in the circles I’ve spoken and played with. Also, it’s been my understanding that you can have a fetish for objects – fetishising bondage hoods or high heels, for instance – whereas the act of fetishising those things is described as the person ‘being kinky’.

Do I Have Fetishes Or Kinks?

By the strict definition of the word, I don’t think I have any fetishes. I am not sexually obsessed with or enormously turned on by any inanimate object, that is fetishised. I really like older guys in smart suits, but I’m not sure that it’s a fetish. However I am very kinky, with ‘kinks’ which deviate from vanilla sex including but not limited to:

  • Bondage, including use of rope, cuffs, collars, spreader bars, mouth gags
  • Spanking, by hand or implement
  • FemDom
  • Breathplay
  • Ageplay (DD/lg)
  • Male Chastity
  • Boot & Heel Worship (receiving)
  • Foot Worship (receiving)
  • Fisting
  • Strap On Sex
  • Puppy Play/Furry
  • Voyeurism/Exhibitionism

How About You?

What about you? Firstly, do you make a distinction between the two terms? And do you think there’s a difference between kink and fetish or is it all semantics?

Complete Article HERE!

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What it’s like inside CFNM (clothed female, naked male) fetish parties

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‘A chair was placed in the middle of the room, with a dildo taped to the seat. One by one we men had to sit on it, using the women’s spit as lube, then we shifted up and down on the dildo, wanking while everyone watched.’

Terry,* who’s 33, is describing the culmination of an event for those with a fetish for CFNM. The acronym stands for Clothed Female Naked Male, which pretty much sums up the nature of the fetish.

Terry, who works in HR, first discovered CFNM when he stumbled across it while looking at porn as a 16 year old. He tells Metro.co.uk: ‘I was turned on by it, so I searched what it was, then went looking for more.’

Five years later, Terry acted out his fantasies for the first time at a CFNM party held at a house in Kent.

Arriving at the start of the night, Terry was told to remove his clothes. Then along with the 14 other men attending, he was given a glass of Champagne, a mask (the wearing of which was optional) and a g-string for the initial ice-breaker.

Terry explains: ‘we put the g-strings on, then we were taken through to the ladies so they could guess the size of our cocks.’

The 30 women waiting for them were fully dressed and according to Terry, ‘they were in normal clothes, like jeans and T-shirts.’ Like the men, each woman had paid £45 to attend the event, with the entry fee covering food and drinks. Once the women had guessed the men’s size, the g-strings were removed for the big reveal.

‘We were measured soft and erect, and made to line up smallest to largest, then told to look at the ones bigger than us,’ says Terry, explaining, ‘it’s mainly to embarrass the little ones.’

For Terry, feeling embarrassed is part of the fun – despite being at the larger end of the line-up. He explains, ‘it’s still embarrassing getting measured, and being naked with other people – especially when it’s only the men who are naked. I like the embarrassment of being exposed, and the comments I get from being viewed. I enjoy it and get turned on.’

Activities at the event included being judged on the ‘best balls’ (criteria were size, firmness, bounce and overall look and feel) and ‘ring toss’ which involved the guys lying on the floor with their legs open while the women stood by their feet or a little further back, throwing plastic rings onto the men’s erect penises. The rings were, ‘like kids’ toys – probably about 6 inches in diameter,’ says Terry.

Other games included ‘best helicopter.’ This involved ‘whizzing our cocks around like helicopters. The bad ones were knocked out of the competition and had to worship the women’s feet,’ says Terry, who actually rather likes women’s feet.

Then it was ‘decorate a cock.’ According to Terry, the penis painting – carried out by the women – produced an Elvis, a few lions, a strawberry, and a squirrel. He adds: ‘one was a banana – it was bent like a banana so that was an obvious one. Mine was an elephant.’

The men were required to stay erect at all times without touching their genitals. Punishment for losing their erections included ice-cubes being melted on their bodies and being spanked. Recalling his punishments, Terry says, ‘I was face-sat for ten minutes.’

The penis painting was followed by an ‘edging competition’, when the men were brought to the point of orgasm without cumming – if you cum, you fail. Describing the scene, Terry says: ‘It was two women per man, and they’d each take it in turn masturbate him. When he gets close to cumming they stop – that’s one edge. After 30 seconds or so – or when the twitching’s stopped – they start wanking him again. We had to do it eight times.’

The men then masturbated in a competition to see who could ejaculate the furthest. The distances were measured, and marked by a little box. ‘That became the distance to beat for the next ones up,’ says Terry.

The final activities before The Dildo Chair consisted of, ‘a sexy dance-off for the men, and seeing who can get the hardest erection – with the girls only whispering in your ear to get you erect. A judge was appointed to feel all erections.’

The party was the first time Terry had used a dildo. He says, ‘it was cleaned each time, and a new condom was put on it, but I was very nervous. When it was my turn, I really didn’t want it and I wasn’t sure what to do, but I walked over and one of the ladies helped me get on the chair. My arse was lubed up, then I slowly lowered my bum over the dildo.’ He adds: ‘It was hard to relax, and it hurt, but there was no damage, so I didn’t regret it.’

Terry has since been to about 15 CFNM events, some of which were a lot more low-key. ‘Sometimes they’re just cocktail parties – the men are naked, but nothing sexual happens,’ he says.

He adds that, like the first event he went to, it’s the norm for the women to be dressed in everyday clothes, and he’s only been to one event where the women were dressed as dominatrixes.

Annabelle, who organises CFNM events, echoes Terry when she says, ‘only once did we do some dominatrix style attire. Usually we don’t wear anything in particular – just normal clothes – nothing that excites the men too much.’

Now 34, the seed for Annabelle’s interest in CFNM was sewn at a hen party 15 years ago. ‘We had a stripper, and I liked admiring him without having to do anything,’ she tells us. ‘Seeing attractive guys naked is always a winner, but with CFNM it’s about power too.

‘You’re controlling the naked man, telling him where to stand where, and what to do – it’s exciting. I like dominating men, and I can’t resist an opportunity to humiliate them.’

Coming home from the hen do, Annabelle ordered her boyfriend of 18 months to strip off and serve her drinks naked. ‘I demanded it. I said “no sex unless you do as I say!” He went into a blind panic – he couldn’t keep his clothes on. I think he was more worried than anything.’

As the relationship progressed, Annabelle ordered him to masturbate on demand, and to suck and worship her feet. ‘It’s thrilling to have a naked man at your feet,’ she says. ‘You should try it – I’m sure you’d enjoy starting sex with you clothed and your boyfriend naked.’

Initially, Annabelle was unaware that there was a name for her new interest. ‘I just wanted more naked men in my life! Then a friend said, “this is CFNM!” I looked into it, and started watching porn on it and getting into groups and meet-ups around it.’

Annabelle found her first CFNM group on Meetup and from there she discovered Walnut Walk, a site ‘where ladies can be a little bit naughty’ with a chat forum, events and porn clips all geared to CFNM.

The first CFNM event Annabelle went to was at a nightclub in Holborn that had been hired out for the evening. She paid a £15 entry fee which included drinks, and arrived to find naked men holding trays of Champagne and canapes. The 40 clothed women and 20 naked men were left to mingle, but Annabelle was less than impressed.

‘The guys were handsy and possibly not genuine CFNM fans, as they were all about touching, and “let’s see your tits, let’s have sex”,’ she tells us. ‘They’d come over while we were chatting and put their dicks in our faces asking for blow-jobs, despite this being against the rules.’

However, the end of the night made up for it: ‘After a couple of hours, the guys with erections stood at the front and masturbated for us, then left – this happened until all guys were gone.’

Complete Article HERE!

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9 Tips For Bondage Beginners

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By Kasandra Brabaw

Have you ever thought about tying your partner up with rope? Or being tied up yourself? It’s a kink that more people than you’d probably think are interested in trying. But as intriguing as the thought of bondage is, it can also be pretty scary.

There are so many questions when you first start out. What kind of rope do you get? What body parts are okay to tie up? Is it possible to seriously hurt your partner (or get hurt yourself)? How do you tell your partner what you do and don’t want to try? And what happens if you do it wrong?

Ahead, we talked with Yin Q, a dominatrix and writer/producer of BDSM webseries Mercy Mistress, to answer some of those questions. Read on for tips about consent, safety, rope types, and safe words.

1) Negotiation and consent.

Before anyone gets tied up, you and your partner(s) need to have a negotiation about what’s going to happen. And in that negotiation, you have to talk about consent, Yin says. “You have to know how you’re going to actually explore,” they say. You could start exploring bondage in an experiential way, where no still means no. But you could also try a theme where struggle is part of what makes bondage erotic. So, you’ll need to talk to your partner up front about what you want.

“It’s not that you just say yes to bondage and then that means that you’re saying yes to everything that happens after you’re in bondage,” Yin says. There are multiple things you and your partner have to consent to, whether you’re the top or the bottom in the bondage situation. But especially if you’re the bottom (the one being tied up). Once someone is in bondage, Yin says, they might enter something called “subspace” and might no longer feel comfortable negotiating what they do and don’t want to try. So it’s essential to have negotiation and consent up front.

2) Safe words.

Part of the negotiation process is establishing a safe word (or multiple safe words) with your partner. In BDSM, a safe word is something other than “no,” “don’t,” “stop” or any other word you’d usually use to tell someone to slow down. Because those words tend to be part of the play. “If you want to play with those roles and power dynamics, language can start changing meaning,” Yin says. Instead, use a word that usually wouldn’t come up in the context of sex. For beginners, Yin suggests “yellow” and “red.”

“‘Yellow’ meaning that you’re getting to your edge where you know something doesn’t feel right or that this is basically as much as you can take,” they say. “Red” meaning that you’re totally done with the scene and you want to be untied.

3) Knowing your bodies (and minds).

Does your partner have bad knees? Are you prone to back aches? Does anyone have diabetes or epilepsy? These are all things you and your partner should discuss before anyone gets tied up, because where you place the rope might exacerbate any of those problems.

And mental health is just as important as physical health. “If somebody has gone through trauma, language can become a trigger when you’re playing,” Yin says. Some people enjoy what’s called “slut play,” which is essentially dirty talk that uses words generally considered humiliating or degrading. But, for some, certain words can bring up insecurities. Yin, for example, feels totally fine using words like “slut,” “submissive,” and “dirty dog” in their play. But can’t stand saying or hearing the word “stupid.”

“For some reason, that triggers something in childhood for me,” they say. “It’s just not sexy to me. I’m very cerebral, so that’s going to call up a lot of insecurity for me.” So, like everything else, you’ll need to talk with your partner about which words are a no-go for them, and keep the communication open so they can tell you if something feels wrong in the moment.

4) Triggers

Just like words can be triggering, so can actions. And it’s important not to assume that something won’t be triggering, Yin says. As a switch (someone who both tops and bottoms), Yin says they can take a lot of masochism, like flogging and canning. “But, the one thing I cannot take is tickling,” they say. “I get angry, first of all, and then I also get nauseous.”

Their partners might not even consider that tickling could be a trigger — after all, tickling is something we do to tiny children, and it doesn’t hurt — but it’s important that they listen to them when they say they can’t handle it. As a beginner, you and your partner(s) might not yet know what your physical triggers are, so communication becomes important again.

5) Nerve damage.

Once you’re done with the negotiations and consent and other talking, there are some things you should know before tying someone up. Mainly, that certain areas are more prone to nerve damage than others. “Usually it’s around the elbows or the knees and especially the neck,” Yin says.

So, if you’re idea of bondage comes from beautiful photos of Shibari-style knots, then you’ll have to adjust your expectations. “Going into it as a beginner, one must learn the basics and also understand that each person’s body has it’s own capabilities,” Yin says. Anyone who’s just starting out should never put rope near the neck, because doing it wrong has the potential to cause serious damage.

6) Tingling.

If you’re the person being tied up, it’s important to tell your partner when you’re experiencing tingling in your fingers, toes, or anywhere else. That could be a sign that the rope is too tight or that you’re not in a comfortable position, Yin says. Tingling is fine for about 20 minutes, as long as it’s just a light tingle. But you should be able to move, to struggle against the rope (that’s part of the fun), and to move the rope around your skin.

When you’re tying someone up, Yin says to make sure their hands are below the heart and to get them into a position that’s going to be comfortable for them.

7) Safety.

When tying someone up, tighter might seem better. But that’s not true, Yin says. “If you’re the top, you want to be able to slip about two fingers underneath the rope, so that the rope can be moved around on the skin,” they say. That’s going to make bondage safer for the partner who’s on the bottom.

But, even if you’ve made the ropes loose enough, it’s important to have a pair of safety scissors like these close by, in case your partner needs to be cut out of the ropes quickly.

8) Types of rope.

Stretchy rope is best for beginners right? Wrong. Rope that has any elastic in it is dangerous, especially for beginners, because you can’t tell how much give it will have, Yin says. Instead, you’ll want to use a sturdy rope that moves nicely against skin. “I tend to start my classes with nylon rope, because it slides nicely against the skin, is laid very flat, and is smooth,” Yin says. “And then we graduate on to either cotton or hemp rope, which are the natural fiber ropes that are going to be a little bit more sturdy for any knots.” Cotton and hemp are more likely to give rope burn, though, so they’re not essential for beginners.

9) Aftercare.

People who do bondage often practice something called aftercare, which involves sitting down with your partner afterward and talking about what you did and didn’t like. This is especially important for beginners, since you don’t yet know what about bondage turns you on.

But don’t think that you can’t continue talking about it once that first sit-down is done. Aftercare can last days, Yin says. “If something comes up three days later and you think, ‘Oh my God, that was triggering something else for me,’ to share that with your partner or at least to be able to honestly pinpoint it for yourself is really important.”

So, once your first-time bondage is done, replay the experience again and again. Even if it doesn’t make you realize something that could have gone better, it’ll likely make you even more excited for the next time.

Complete Article HERE!

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Meet the men who get off on their wives having sex with other people

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Cuckolding is form of consensual non-monogamy, and these guys find it hot AF.

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Having sex with other people while in a committed relationship isn’t necessarily cheating—especially for those who are into consensual non-monogamy (CNM). In fact, the prospect of watching or hearing about their partner’s sexual escapades is such a turn on for some people, they actively encourage their lover to share as many unfamiliar beds as they want.

CNM is practised in all sorts of forms, such as polyamory (having multiple romantic partners) and swinging (swapping sexual partners with other couples). Cuckolding is a form of CNM where one partner (the cuckold) agrees their lover can have sex with other people—often known as ‘bulls’. There are variations in how cuckolding plays out for different couples—some cuckolds enjoy being verbally and sexually humiliated—but cuckolds are generally involved with watching their partner have sex. Or getting message/photo updates throughout, and being told in detail about it afterwards.

“It makes me pursue and compete for my own wife”

All varieties of cuckolding can be practised by anyone, regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. Nonetheless, there seems to be a high proportion of straight men who are interested in it—and yes, if you sleep with men, you might be familiar with a version of dirty talk that involves you recounting past hookups.

Here, three straight men discuss how they got into cuckolding, what they like about it and how it’s actually benefited their relationships.

“It allows me to watch the best possible porn ever”, says Ben*, a computer systems administrator

“For most of our marriage, my wife has been free to sleep with other men. When she does, she’s always told me about the experiences. We got into polyamory because my wife was having problems staying monogamous. She didn’t understand why it was wrong to love more than one person. We have been doing what is usually called cuckolding for 15 years.

How did you bring up cuckolding with your wife?

“We sort of grew into this place in our lives. We learned to be completely honest with one another, and trust each other. It was incredibly scary to tell my wife some of the things I would be interested in, involving cuckolding. I was terrified she would see me as less than a man, or that I didn’t want her the way I used to, but she’s been very supportive of me.”

What do you like about cuckolding?

“I love the way my wife comes alive. Her body is almost constantly primed, partly from the excitement of the relationship, and partly from the feeling of being wanted by someone new. When she feels sexy and wanted, she becomes a more sexual being, leading to a much more fulfilling sex life for the two of us

“I also believe that wanting something is more powerful than having it. So, feeling like I’m being denied things that my wife is freely sharing with others is a powerful aphrodisiac—it makes me pursue and compete for my own wife in ways I haven’t in a long time.

I’ve always considered myself a feminist. As such, I want my wife to be true to her own desires so that we can meet as equals—she’s not putting aside what she wants for me; we’re moving forward together, accepting one another as we truly are. Autonomy is important to me, and I don’t want my wife to ever feel trapped with me. With cuckolding, I know she could choose anyone she wants, but she always chooses to continue to spend her life with me.”

What are the downsides and benefits?

“There have been plenty of times where I had to fight hard against jealousy, especially in the beginning. I think most of the times that jealousy has taken over, it boiled down to me feeling unimportant, or left out of the loop. Now, when something bothers me, we talk about it quickly and agree on a path forward that works for everyone involved.

“One benefit to me is that my wife is the sexiest person I know. When we make love, I’m entirely responsible for her pleasure, so I tend to focus so much on whether she’s enjoying what I’m doing that I can’t really appreciate her reactions. Being able to watch someone else have sex with my wife allows me to watch the best possible porn ever—I get to fully enjoy the sights and sounds of her pleasure, while also learning entirely new techniques or discovering activities that I never knew she enjoyed.

“For both of us, one of the biggest advantages is how much our bond to one another has strengthened. We talk openly, honestly, and often. We regularly share our feelings, hopes, desires and fears. We have grown so remarkably close, and have gotten to know each other more deeply than we ever could have otherwise.”

“It’s fun to have a secret about our sex lives”, says Oscar*, a marketing manager

“I started dating my fiancée seven years ago. We had spurts of long distance in our early years, so we starting exploring cuckolding. We found that typical sexting was repetitive and a little boring, and one day she offered to tell me about a past sexual encounter in detail. It was a rush to hear, and over time she would tell me more stories. Then I’d occasionally encourage her to flirt with guys when she would go out, and that flirting eventually translated to hookups. I’d say we’ve been active for the last five years.

How did you bring up cuckolding with your fiancée?

“It was a natural progression for us. It arose from boredom in a long distance relationship and a realization that she enjoys being sexually active, while my kink is releasing my partner from the confines of monogamy.”

What do you like about cuckolding?

“For me, it’s a chance for her to explore her sexuality and bring that fun back to the bedroom. She was significantly more sexually experienced than I was when we started dating, and I’ve always found her love of sex and attention to be a major turn on. It’s a little bit like being an introvert who gets to see life through an extrovert’s eyes.”

What are the downsides and benefits?

“Downsides could be bad communication and jealousy. I suppose emotion could get in the way, and she could start falling for someone. But that hasn’t happened to us

“Cuckolding is great because there is no fear of cheating—she gets to do whatever she wants, as long as I get to be part of it too (even if that just means hearing about it). It has brought us closer together sexually. It’s fun to have a secret about our sex lives, and it’s fun to be my fiancée’s cheerleader when she is attracted to a guy.”

“Sexual jealousy, for me, is like a roller coaster ride,” says Liam*, an energy consultant manager

“My wife and I have been together for a little over five years, and it’s always been a small or big part of our relationship. She’s quite a bit younger than myself, and has a very high sex drive. Back when I first became interested in seeing my partner with another man I was in my 20s, though I guess I had been a voyeur all my life. My girlfriend (at the time) and I had an upstairs neighbour, and the idea [of a threesome] just kind of caught hold. It was me who brought it up, but [my girlfriend] was all for it. Since that time, and with every serious relationship since, there have been elements of cuckolding or swinging.”

How have you brought up cuckolding with your partner(s)?

“I talk about it early if I’m feeling really attracted to someone. More about open relationships and swinging, and if they are biting, then great; if not, I know I should move on.”

What do you like about cuckolding?

“I’m easily bored. Some people like fishing, some like motor sports and some like stamp collecting. I like crazy sexual excitement, and I’ve always been drawn to women that are up for the same. I found along the road that I enjoy a bit of jealousy. Sexual jealousy, for me, is like a roller coaster ride—fun, brief, perhaps a little scary, but in the end an experience I’m happy to have.”

We both love sex, so it adds to our sex life

What are the downsides and benefits?

“I guess a downside would be not everyone understanding. [My wife and I] stay discreet. We have separate groups of friends—those that might know and those we would never tell.

“We both love sex, so it adds to our sex life. We are very open with each other and can talk about anything. She loves the attention and the men (or women) she gets to have, and I love having [a wife who is like] a very hot porn star in my home. I’m her biggest fan.”

Complete Article HERE!

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7 kinks and fetishes that are more popular than you think

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By Lea Rose Emery

No matter how comfortable you are with a new partner, talking about kinks/fetishes can feel like a big step. But the truth is, they’re way more common than you might think — and if you feel sure that you have a totally weird kink or quirk, you’re almost certainly not alone. Most fetishes are way more common than you would imagine, so there’s really nothing to be embarrassed about.

There are so many popular fetishes out there. That’s because not only are fetishes totally normal, but many of us actually have more than one.  According to one survey by Ann Summers, the sex toy retailer, it’s not uncommon to have more than one kink or fetish. In fact, while more than a quarter of people said they had more than one, 17 percent of people said that they had three or four. So just because somebody’s into BDSM or has a hair fetish, doesn’t mean that’s their only one. That means if you’re feeling self-conscious about your own proclivities, it’s time to relax — we’ve all been there. The more you start talking about and exploring your kinks and fetishes, whether with a partner or a community or even at a sex shop, the more normal you’ll realize they are.

And if you don’t think of yourself as a fetish person, it may be that you just have found yours yet. If you’re interested in playing around, knowing the most common fetishes is a good place to start. Though there’s no international fetish database, you can glean a pretty good idea of the most popular options by seeing what comes up in surveys the most frequently. Once you get a sense of those, you can decide what appeals the most and start experimenting.

Here are the kinks/fetishes that tend to come up the most — because you never know until you try.

1. BDSM

Call it that 50 Shades of Grey effect, call it human nature, but again and again, BDSM tops the list of fetishes. In fact, in that same survey from Ann Summers a whopping 74 percent of people said they were into it. Try subbing, try domming — who knows? You may love both.

2. Foot fetishes

Foot fetishes are another quirk that repeatedly comes at the top of fetish lists. Seriously — having a thing for feet is way more common than you think. This isn’t to be confused with a shoe fetish, which is also very popular, though they two can certainly overlap. Apparently, foot fetishes are so popular because of the way our brains are sometimes wired, although Freud thought it was all to do with the fact that feet look like penises. Which makes me wonder — what the hell did Freud’s penis look like?

3. Costumes and role play

A classic and popular fetish is dressing up and role-playing. In fact, one survey found that this was a fetish that ranked high on the desirability scale and low on the taboo scale, which means it’s an ideal way to ease yourself into trying fetishes. A lot of people are open to it and it’s nothing to feel weird about bringing up. From the classic maid’s uniform to something more daring, there are plenty of costumes to try.

4. Voyeurism and exhibitionism

There’s a reason that “dogging” is so popular in Britain. Some people like to watch others have sex — and some people like to be watched. And of course, some people like both. This fetish can manifest in more vanilla or kinkier ways. It might be that you just watch your partner masturbate or vice versa, maybe you experiment with sex in public places, or maybe group sex helps scratch that itch. You can start with more vanilla versions and work your way up to find where your boundary is.

5. Rubber, latex, and leather

For some people, it’s all about the texture. According to the sex toy retailer Lovehoney, “rubberists” and other texture fetishisms are very popular. It has a BDSM twist, with some people finding that the material itself has a bondage-like quality, although apparently for some it’s the smell that turns them on.

6. Crossdressing

Gender play is another exciting option — and one that you can experiment with to find different limits. Cross-dressing continues to be a popular fetish and can be a great way to experiment with slightly kinkier sex because it can be as simple as switching clothes.

7. Spanking

Though some might put spanking in the BDSM realm, it actually seems to be so popular in its own right that it deserves its own category.  That may be because, for a lot of people, spanking provides a slightly more vanilla option — or an intro to BDSM. It can also be combined with many other fetishes, while for some just a good spanking is enough.

There is no limit to what can be fetishized, but some fetishes are definitely more popular than others. Start experimenting with the more common ones and see what excites you — you never know where it might lead.

Complete Article HERE!

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Kinky Sex Could Be the Secret to Your Success

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Turns out whips and blindfolds are the unseen force behind a lucrative career—and a satisfying love life.

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[C]laudia wasn’t sure if it was nerves or the night before that had given her the confidence to ask her boss for a raise. Either way, negotiating her salary was easier than expected. She’d been practicing, after all… just on something a little less G-Rated.

The 36-year-old mother-of-two, who asked me not to use her last name, had spent the past few days negotiating with her husband about how she could flex her longtime fantasy of dominating him in a way they’d both enjoy. Afterward, she told me, the experience had made her feel confident, valued, secure and pleased at their ability to compromise—feelings which she was surprised to find lasted into the the following day. When she arrived at work, still swimming in the satisfaction of a fantasy realized, she decided this was it. Raise day.

The way Claudia was able to benefit from her erotic encounter is a common theme among people with knacks for kink. Many successful visionaries throughout history, from artists to scientists and even politicians, have had well-documented kinks and fetishes that affected how they operated in their daily lives. I was curious: Could it be that whips and blindfolds are the unseen force behind their artistry, leadership and innovation?

A wave of recent research has confirmed this: If it’s something you desire in the first place, kinky sex can benefit you not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. “Unconventional” sexual practices and fantasies, such as BDSM, group sex, or role play, have been shown to reduce psychological stress, improve mental health and can help with satisfying and communicative relationships. Kinky people have also been found to have higher self-worth than those who are too afraid or ashamed to pursue their fantasies; all positive effects, which Los Angeles-based sex therapist, Jamila Dawson, LMFT, says can help optimize your goals, mood and overall well-being even after kinky play ends.

“A healthy relationship to kink can absolutely be the underlying cause of some people’s success,” explains Dawson, who specializes in kink and polyamory. “I see this all the time in my practice.”

No wonder Claudia felt so motivated.

So, how is it that kink is able to give the people who practice it such an edge? Why would getting lost in the fantasy of floggers, blindfolds and safe-words matter in everyday moments like asking for a raise?

The answer is multifaceted, but the primary way kinky sex gives people a life boost is the fascinating way in which it can affect the brain.

Activities like BDSM can actually alter the pattern of blood flow within the brain, creating a number of favorable mental states with positive effects similar to that of mindfulness and meditation, according to recent findings by Dr. Brad J. Sagarin, Professor of Psychology at Northern Illinois University and founder of the BDSM Research Team. These mental states are highly distinctive, altered states of consciousness which can improve mood, enhance cognition and heighten our capacity to form original ideas and novel connections, adds Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a faculty affiliate of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and author of the blog Sex & Psychology. In the context of kinky sex, these distinct head spaces are called “flow.”

Flow is most often described as a transcendent state of heightened sensory awareness, focus, presence and euphoria. It can be intense—it’s not uncommon for people to feel high, floaty, melty, tingly, or detached from both time and their body. Most commonly, it’s brought on by the endorphins released during a physically intensive experience (flogging or spanking, for example; similar to a runner’s high), but the same feeling can be brought on by passionate mental or emotional stimulation.

Interestingly, the quality of these altered states can differ according to the type of kinky play someone’s involved in. In particular, Dr. Sagarin’s research found that dominance and submission activates two unique types of flow that enhance creative and emotional conditions.

More specifically, Dr. Sagarin found that the participants who played the submissive role in their experiment achieved greater transient hypofrontality, which refers to a feeling of peacefulness and happy detachment, where time has slowed down. Runner’s high, meditation and even some drug highs produce a similar effect. Meanwhile, dominant participants experienced slightly different altered state. As opposed to a dreamlike detachment, those in the dominant role felt a greater sense of control, a loss of self-consciousness, clearer goals and heightened concentration—less of a “high” in their case; more of a laser focus.

When you’re in one of these flow states, Dr. Lehmiller continues, you’re operating with much lower levels of self-awareness. You’re focused; you’re in the zone. It’s like playing an instrument—when you think too hard about what you’re doing and how each note is supposed to sound, you psych yourself out and make mistakes as your body tries to catch up to your brain’s over-analysis. But when you detach from that hyper-awareness of yourself and let things, well, flow, they come out naturally. They sound better.

That’s precisely the mental state in which both creativity and productivity flourish best—when we’re not concerned with moment-to-moment survival or the stressful mundanities of everyday life.

Outside of the bedroom (or dungeon, or… wherever), feelings of flow can stay with a person anywhere from a few minutes to a few days, during which time Dawson, the sex therapist, says many of her clients and kinky acquaintances harness their power for a variety of uses. One acquaintance in particular, she tells me, was able to overcome a severe case of writer’s block the morning after her partner finally obliged her rope bondage fantasy. The catharsis of a fantasy realized—and the freedom to inhabit her desires in a safe and trusting space—put her in a creative mood.

World-famous composer Georg Friedrich Haas is a more well-known example of this. In 2016, The New York Times chronicled the unusual union between Haas and his wife, writer and sex educator Mollena Williams—a 24/7 kinky relationship in which Haas, now a 64-year-old music professor at Columbia University, played the role of Master; Williams, his ever-doting Submissive. Reportedly, the two fell in love after Haas told Williams he wanted to “tame” her on OkCupid. (“I find intense fulfillment in being able to serve in this way,” she told The New York Times, describing the situation as feminist because it’s her choice.)

In the article, Haas directly attributes his success as an artist to his kinky (and sexually vibrant) marriage, which he said had “dramatically improved his productivity and reshaped his artistic outlook.” After three divorces and a lifetime of repressing what he’d once considered “devilish desires,” he explained that the freedom to not only explore, but live in his dominant fantasies had “roughly doubled” his artistic productivity.

This delights, but does not surprise Dawson.

“In general, I’ve found that people who engage in forms of expansive sexuality such as kink are more creative or imaginative in their jobs or recreational life,” she says. “The culture of kink supports their creative drives. It gives them a space to play with the limits and boundaries of their bodies and minds, and with mental states such as surrender, fear, playfulness and surprise. In that sense, kink’s not so different from art, design or any creative venture. It’s a totally valid form of self-expression.”

Of course, not everything kinky immediately leads to a revelation, artistic inspiration or a sudden solution to a long-suffering problem, but, as Dawson points out, getting into a headspace where it’s more likely to happen definitely doesn’t hurt.

In fact, while many people still hold the belief that fantasizing in a relationship means you’re unhappy with your partner (a faulty theory devised by Freud in 1908 which has since been debunked), it has been reported that people who incorporate fantasy into their sex lives reap a surprising number of benefits. Frequent fantasizers have sex more often, engage in a wider variety of erotic activities, have more partners, masturbate more and orgasm more reliably than people who fantasize infrequently, or don’t fantasize at all.

And just having sex can also make you more productive at work. A 2017 study from Oregon State University found that having sex before work—either the night before or the morning of—made people more engaged and efficient on the job.

Fantasy-based sex can also decrease stress and anxiety much like meditation and exercise, only rather than through silence or sweat, the reward comes through say, the satisfying swish of a paddle, or the worshipping of a lovely foot. Kinky sex has also been linked to the sorts of changes in cortisol levels which can reduce psychological and physical stress; correlated with better physical and mental health, increased life span, better coping skills, and improved mood. Show us a job, relationship, creative project or personal goal that can’t be helped by those things.

Expressing a fantasy, a particularly intimate form of connection, can even increase intimacy and connectedness in relationships. One 2009 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior found people who practice sadomasochism (consensually exploring the pleasure of pain) show an increase in relationship closeness. This, researchers theorized, is because safely executing that kind of play takes a great deal of trust, acceptance and communication.

“Most people in mainstream relationships tend to reserve the most transparent and direct communication for challenging situations like a fight or some obstacle that requires they finally ‘break down’ into total honesty,” Dawson continues. “By contrast, when responsible people engage in kinky acts, there is almost always clear, intimate communication and respect for boundaries, two things that build trust like nothing else.” And even if you identify as vanilla, you can still benefit from communicating like kinky people do: with limits, safety, comfort, and compromise in mind.

Translating that to other areas of your life—either at work or in relationships—isn’t that big of a jump. Midori, a renowned fetish and sexuality educator who teaches a three-day domination intensive for women called ForteFemme, tells me her students utilize her kinky negotiation tactics in a number of practical ways.

One, an IT manager, uses her negotiation training to “discover what motivates potential employees and their compatibility with the scope of the project and team environment.” Another has a special-needs child in school. When school administrators tried to shirk their responsibilities and blame her parenting, she used the physical postures of dominance and negotiation skills Midori taught her to advocate for her daughter’s well-being.

“We learn so much about our bodies and our minds when we engage in kinky sex,” explains Dawson. “It absolutely makes sense that we’d transfer that knowledge to other endeavors.”

Perhaps this transference is why people who engage in BDSM and kink have been found to be happier, more conscientious and less neurotic than people who don’t engage in so-called “deviant” sex.

The question that remains then, is not whether kink is safe, healthy and beneficial, but how you can apply it to your life. If you’ve been harboring kinkier desires and feel empowered to communicate them, one way to cash in is pure honesty: Turn to your partner after reading this and have a discussion about how you’d like him or her to spank you, armed with the knowledge that them doing so can benefit you in ways beyond the thrill of the sensation.

Ideally, that knowledge can help mitigate any shame or embarrassment the prospect of sharing and negotiating your kinky fantasies may bring, but if you’re not ready to communicate your kinky interests—or simply don’t harbor them at all—there are other ways to go about reaping the rewards.

“Let’s be clear, it’s not kinky sex itself that makes life better,” Midori cautions. “It’s the conversational skills and self-knowledge needed to engage in it that makes life better.”

A small, but significant tool she recommends is to start noticing and logging each occasion you don’t speak what you really want, or you minimize your wants in comparison to another’s. These are areas to apply the communication, negotiation, self-awareness and creative thought kink affords. Changing these habits isn’t easy, she says, but they address a lifetime of putting your own needs aside. In kink, when there’s consent, it’s okay to put yourself first.

Dawson offers some of her own advice inspired by safe BDSM practices to help you reach flow during any kind of sex, be it vanilla or covered in more leather than an industrial tannery.

“Setting the scene, taking the time to breathe and slowing sex down to a pace that’s much slower than you’re accustomed to are all things kinky people do to get the most out of their scenes and interactions,” she says. Enhanced pleasure and erotic creativity, Dawson reminds us, can be achieved when you’re not focused on a particular outcome—rather, simply immerse yourself in the experience, concentrate fully, and remain open to what arises in the moment. You can get into the same sort of flow states that latex-clad dominatrixes can, sans the craving for control.

The experience of living one’s fantasy in a safe, consensual space that’s free of judgment and expectation, it seems, far outweighs the perceived benefits of keeping kinky desires under wraps. If you have them, try bringing them to light. At the very least, you might get a raise out of it.

Complete Article HERE!

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8 Bondage Sex Positions For When You Want To Get A Little Kinky

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[Q]uestion: Do you have a bedframe? A silk scarf? A tie? A pair of stockings? Something you could wrap around your arm without it chafing or pulling hair? Great, let’s talk bondage.

If you are looking to dip a toe into kink, bondage is a great place to start: Most of the tools you need are likely lying around your house already, making this a fairly low-fuss fulfillment of any BDSM fantasies you may have. But before you grab the nearest bandana and strap your partner to a kitchen chair, there are a few things you should know.

First of all, you and your partner should discuss your boundaries: which of you is willing to be tied up and/or tied down; what you want done to you in that position, and what you don’t; how much pressure you’re into; and what safe word will signal when one of you has had enough.

Pay attention to your partner’s body language during the act, too, and ask them how they’re doing if you think they look uncomfortable.

And remember: You don’t need to hog-tie someone to reap the erotic rewards of restraint—the mere act of having your wrists bound, whether or not you actually could worm your way out of the ties if you wanted, is hot all on its own.

See for yourself with these eight bondage-perfect sex positions.

1 Conquistador

How to: Missionary is the easiest possible position for beginner bondage: Simply lie on your back with your arms above your head and your legs spread, then have your partner bind your wrists and ankles to the bed frame.

In a previous interview with WomensHealthMag.com, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin recommended Sportsheets’ under-the-bed restraint system ($29, amazon.com), because its velcro cuffs are easily removed for a quick escape if you decide in the moment that you no longer want to be bound.

2 Cowgirl

Whether you opt for standard or reverse cowgirl, woman-on-top positions provide a perfect opportunity for you to take complete control.

How to: Have your partner lie on their back and bind their wrists and ankles, either together or to the bed frame, with a silk scarf, a tie, or hell, even your own underwear. Once they’re adequately restrained, straddle them facing forward or away, whichever you prefer.

Because they’re tied down, you can switch it up as often as you see fit—playing with your clit, or maybe pulsing a bullet vibe on your partner’s perineum, nipples, or clit (try the Tenga Iroha Stick, $20, amazon.com.) Basically, you get to do whatever you want—you’re in charge.

3 Leap Frog

How to: Lie with your stomach flat on the mattress (or wherever you’re going to be having sex) and have your partner bind your wrists together over your head. Maybe have them blindfold you, too, because why the hell not?

Then, have them lift your hips to enter you from behind, keeping your shoulders down and your knees rooted while he (or she) thrusts.

4 Rear Entry Standing

Here’s one for the flexible among you!

How to: Bend over and have your partner bind your wrists to your ankles, with your feet anchored shoulder-width apart for better balance.

Have your partner enter you from behind, keeping their hands on your hips to make sure you don’t topple over. Try a hands-free couples vibrator, like the Eva II ($135), for added clitoral stimulation.

5 Pinball Wizard

This one is like the leap frog, but in reverse.

How to: Lie down with your back flush to the mattress and then lift your hips into the air, as if you were doing a bridge in yoga. Then, have your partner bind your wrists behind your back and grab your butt, so you can wrap your legs around their waist as they thrust.

6 Seated Rear Entry

How to: For this one, grab a sturdy chair and park your partner’s butt in it. Then, tie their wrists and ankles to the frame, and once they’re ready to go—after a little oral sex, maybe—straddle them and pump up and down. Whether you face them or turn away is entirely up to you.

7 Knees To Chest

How to: To best introduce bondage into a knees-to-chest position, have your partner bind your ankles and calves together. Then, while you’re lying on your back, drape them over one shoulder as your partner penetrates you. You can also make use of those restraints or even cuffs, and have your partner bind your wrists above your head.

8 Downward Dog

How to: For this one, assume roughly the same position as leap frog, but have your partner handcuff your wrists behind your back and spread your legs. They should kneel between your legs and enter you from behind while your body is flat against the mattress, ground, kitchen table, wherever. Then, have them reach a hand around to stroke your clitoris—because to neglect it would be very rude indeed.

Complete Article HERE!

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BDSM and consent

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How to stop rough sex crossing the line into abuse

[W]hen allegations of assault were made against New York’s top prosecutor Eric Schneiderman this week, he denied them, saying engaging in non-consensual sex was a line he would not cross.

“In the privacy of intimate relationships, I have engaged in role-playing and other consensual sexual activity. I have not assaulted anyone,” he told The New Yorker magazine, which broke the story.

Four women say he repeatedly slapped them and one said he insisted she call him “master” in non-consensual situations.

One former girlfriend, Michelle Manning Barish, said: “This was under no circumstances a sex game gone wrong… I did not consent to physical assault.” New York prosecutors are investigating the allegations.

This is not the first time a man accused of assault has claimed he was consensually engaging in rough sex (in Mr Schneiderman’s case, he was in a sexual relationship with three of his four accusers; a fourth woman said he hit her after she rebuffed him).

In 2014, Canadian musician and former radio host Jian Ghomeshi was acquitted of multiple sexual assault charges after several women claimed he had choked, slapped and bitten them without warning or consent.

And in 2015, nine women accused adult film star James Deen of assaulting them and not respecting their sexual boundaries or safe words. He denied the accusations and no charges were ever brought.

In recent days, Mr Schneiderman’s case has come under close scrutiny in the BDSM community, an overlapping acronym for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism.

The BBC spoke with sex experts and prominent members of the community who said full and free consent was a vital element of the practice, in which partners consent to inflicting or enduring pain or physical abuse.

They said they were keen to explain what does, in fact, make a consensual BDSM relationship.

“Stuff like this, doesn’t give [BDSM] a good name,” said Allen TG, one of the directors of Torture Garden, the world’s largest fetish club. “Generally in a BDSM relationship, there are fairly strong guidelines – it’s all about consent.”

Many people who practise BDSM, which is an aspect of kinky sex, may not consider themselves to be in a BDSM relationship or an active member of the community because the exploration of boundaries in sexual imagination are deeply personal and subject to individual tastes.

Certified sex coach Sarah Martin explained: “A lot of people start with something as simple as a blindfold, and it can be erotic and connecting, it doesn’t have to involve equipment or paraphernalia.

“Consent should be freely given, and it should be reversible at any point,” said Ms Martin, who is also executive director of the World Association of Sex Coaches. “Many people think that if you consent, that you agree until it’s done, but that’s not at all how it’s done.”

BDSM vocabulary

  • Kink – a broad term that usually encompasses sexual acts considered outside the norm
  • BDSM – this acronym is described as a pre-agreed power exchange, sometimes not explicitly sexual
  • Dominant and submissive – the names for the roles individuals enact during BDSM practice
  • Play and scene – BDSM participants describe themselves as playing in a scene
  • Munch – a casual social meet-up for people involved in or interested in BDSM
  • Vanilla – refers to someone, or sex, that is not kinky
  • Safe words – words or a gesture pre-agreed with your partner to alert them to your physical and mental limits
  • Aftercare – argued to be just as important as the scene, this is personal to the individual but may involve blankets, cuddles, conversation and a cup of tea to ease both participants physically and emotionally back to normality

To exercise informed consent, the sub – the abbreviated form for submissive – needs to know what activities will take place and how.

“Different bodies respond to touch in different ways,” explained the sex coach. “You may agree to spanking, but then if your partner uses a paddle, then that’s not informed consent.”

“It is entirely unacceptable to ‘surprise’ someone with slaps, whips, blindfolds, or anything like that if you haven’t spoken to them about it before,” said anonymous sex blogger Girl on the Net.

Mr Allen added that there’s a misconception that the dominant partner – or dom as they are sometimes called – is the one with control.

“A good dom is giving pleasure to the submissive, and that’s what gives the dom pleasure. If it’s only going one way, then that’s when it’s not healthy,” the fetish club organiser said.

Clinical sexologist Dr Celina Criss agreed. “It can be said that the power in a scene lies with the submissive because nothing can happen without their agreement.”

Playing it safe

Communication and understanding are cornerstones to any healthy relationship, the experts say. Because there is intimacy in divulging personal fantasies, a level of trust is also developed when establishing a BDSM relationship.

“People who participate in the BDSM community pride themselves on their communication and negotiation skills,” said Dr Criss. “Ideally, negotiation happens before partners ever touch each other.”

Traffic light colours are common safe words used between BDSM partners

Girl on the Net recommended listening carefully, reading the other person’s body language and tone, asking questions to check in and making sure they’re comfortable at every step of play.

The anonymous author also explained that in BDSM there are “pre-agreed safe words or gestures that mean – stop this immediately”.

A simple and common example of this is the traffic light system, using colour cards or the words themselves. Green means “that’s great, keep going”, explained Ms Martin. “Yellow is a check in, but not necessarily a stop, and red is no – it means stop, it means it’s done.”

So why isn’t “no”, as a word, enough?

“For some people, saying no but not being listened to may be part of the sexual fantasy,” explained the sex coach. “But you’ve negotiated this ahead of time so the dominant knows that’s part of your cathartic pleasure.”

Crossing the line

Overstepping a sexual boundary can and does happen, but sexologist Dr Criss said an adherence to communication, negotiation and repeated mutual consent keeps rough sex from becoming wilful abuse.

“People who are not involved in BDSM are likely to have many misconceptions based on what they’ve seen in movies,” she said, referring specifically to the popular erotic romance novel and film series Fifty Shades of Grey.

Ms Martin warned that such mainstream depictions of BDSM relationships are fantasy, and almost never show the level of negotiation and ongoing conversations that shape a successful BDSM experience. She says: “The quickest way for [abuse] to happen is if there isn’t communication.”

Girl on the Net likened it to a contact sport. “BDSM is to abuse what boxing is to being punched by surprise. The former is done with consent and an understanding of risks. The latter isn’t, and is assault.

“I also know that ‘BDSM made me do it’ has been an excuse used by powerful men in the past to try and dodge accountability for their actions. It’s not acceptable… BDSM is not an excuse for abuse.”

“It can be sexy, but also deeply caring,” explained sex coach Ms Martin. Kinky sex should never be used as a way to defend violent behaviour, she said.

“It makes me feel it makes an attempt to take advantage of general societal ignorance of BDSM,” she said.

Complete Article HERE!

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What Your Recurring Sexuality Fantasy Really Says About You

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[T]urned on by whips? Tickled by images of same-sex lovers, threesomes, and sex on public park benches—despite your straight, monogamous, and law-abiding identity?

Congratulations! You’re human. Sexual fantasies are part of a healthy sex life—they’re simply thoughts and scenarios that get you going, says Laura McGuire, Ed.D., a sex educator in New York. They may be inspired by an image, something you hear, or something you read, she says.

Fantasies let your brain take the risks your body and society might not allow, says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and sexuality counselor in New York City, author of She Comes First. What’s more, they facilitate pleasure—and can really come in handy when residual stress from, say, a bad day at work, seems to be orgasm-blocking you. “Studies have shown that as women get aroused and approach orgasm, parts of the brain associated with stress and anxiety need to deactivate,” Kerner says. “If fantasy enables that brain deactivation, then more power to the fantasy.”

Fantasies can give you a window into your desires and even strengthen your relationships when pursued consensually, safely, and legally. “Fantasies are where people start to make sense of things,” says Nasserzadeh. Here’s what common fantasy themes really mean—and how to put them into action:

1 Forbidden Love

Your mysterious coworker. Liam Hemsworth. Your ex. Your sister-in-law. Fantasizing about people other than your partner—even while you’re in bed with them—is common, and doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love your partner or aren’t enjoying the sex you’re having, Kerner says.

Sometimes, though, such fantasies—like any—could mean you’re craving something you’re not getting in your current relationship. You may consider discussing that missing link with your partner, or maybe you can find that clarity on your own. Whatever you do, though, “never cheat,” McGuire says. “Lying and not telling people the truth is not the way to go in life, much less in bed.”

2 Submission

Consider it a positive sign of the times: More women are holding high-powered jobs than ever. But, as a result, they may not want to also be the boss in bed. “Women who are so powerful in their jobs…want that space where they can put their guards down and make a mistake or two and not be judged and [be] completely vulnerable and taken over,” Nasserzadeh says. Other times, women have this fantasy for no clear reason, and that’s totally fine.

Sound appealing? McGuire recommends studying up, since there are different kinds of domination and submission dynamics. See what interests you and your partner or, if you’re solo, what kind of a partner you want to find. “Make sure that explicit and enthusiastic consent are present throughout your interactions, and be sure to decide on what are your yes, no’s, and maybe’s beforehand.”

3 Domination

On the other hand, women who spend most of their waking hours caring for others might feel turned on by the thought of taking some sexual control, Kerner says. “Sometimes somebody says, ‘I spend all day at the beck and call of others—I really want to dominate,’” he says. Again, some women may not have a clear reason for being drawn to domination, but that doesn’t make the desire any less real.

Like submission, pursuing this fantasy requires research, consent, and strategies for making sure everyone involved is on board each step of the way. Nasserzadeh recommends picking code words along a spectrum, like from green to red, rather than direct words like “yes” or “no.” Code words remove the stigma of saying “no” in the middle of the act and liberate partners to try things without worrying the whole time, she says.

4 Threesome

Kerner has worked with plenty of couples interested in bringing in a third party for all kinds of reasons. “Sometimes it’s just because of the novelty and the exponential possibility it has; sometimes it’s about really wanting to watch your partner be pleased by somebody new,” he says.

If done right, opening up a relationship either for the night or the long-term can strengthen your partnership, McGuire says. “The biggest key is communication,” she says. Talk about what sex acts you are and aren’t okay with, and how emotionally connected you want to get to the third person (if at all). Depending on your goal—a hot night or long-term polyamory—you can seek the third partner anywhere from swingers’ events to dating apps, McGuire says.

5 Public Sex

Why is it that sex on an airplane, in a public bathroom or on a beach seems exponentially hotter than the exact same act in the safety of your bedroom? Science. “Both the adrenaline rush of imagining being caught and getting in trouble, and the rush of having someone enjoying or getting off on watching you, are very stimulating mentally and thus increase physical sensations,” McGuire says.

If you’re truly considering getting naked, masturbating, or having sex in full-blown public, though, hold up: Remember: It’s illegal and you could face sex crime charges, McGuire says. To more safely explore this fantasy, consider checking out places like sex clubs, swingers parties, and orgies. Look up reputable ones in your area on sites like Fetlife.com, McGuire suggests.

6 Same-Sex Love

Fantasies that contradict your sexual identity can be confusing, McGuire finds. “Does this mean I’m bi? Does this mean I’m gay? Should I change my life because I had this dream last night?” clients sometimes ask her. Usually, the answer is no—all it means is there is something about that experience that’s resonating.

For example, the way you saw a lesbian couple kiss made you crave a similar connection. “It doesn’t break down who you are as a person and as sexual being to simply be curious and try different things,” McGuire says.

To figure out if the intrigue is something worth taking out of your mind and into practice, McGuire recommends mentally “going down that path” by, say, reading stories, looking at pictures, or watching ethical, realistic porn with those themes. Still interested? Look for a partner who’s open to helping you “try it on,” she says. “It’s okay to say, ‘I’m interested in seeing what this feels like in real life.’”

Complete Article HERE!

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Here’s How Consent and BDSM Role-Play Actually Work

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In an article published in The New Yorker, four women detailed the extreme psychological and physical violence they say they experienced at the hands of former New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman. In response, Schneiderman resigned, but he also made a disturbing statement linking these women’s allegations with sexual role play. His claim was promptly dismissed by Ronan Farrow, one of the reporters who broke the story, and the women who allege he assaulted them. (One of the women wasn’t even in a relationship with Schneiderman at the time, and all the alleged acts of violence happened well outside the context of sex.) The Cut spoke to sex and BDSM educator Barbara Carrellas, who explains exactly why Schneiderman’s “role play” defense is so flawed.


[R]ole play means two people had a conversation and decided: I think this sounds really hot, now how can we sensibly play this out. You need to negotiate before you start playing. When you negotiate, you talk transparently about what you like, your no-go zones and you state what (in certain circumstances) you might be okay with. We call it the yes/no/maybe list. For acts that you decide are a “maybe,” you should think very deeply about what conditions would have to be in place for that “maybe” to be a “yes.” Get specific — there can’t be any surprises. You also distinguish between what you would give and what you would like to receive. Maybe you enjoy being spanked, but you have no interest in spanking? Then you and your partner can switch lists you can see where they match up.

Being slapped, choked, spit on, and called racial slurs out of nowhere by a drunk person with no prior discussion of kink or role play is a red light of volcanic brightness. For most people, those fall under “edge play,” and that’s the most carefully negotiated play in BDSM. It’s much better to let a desire go unfulfilled for the moment than to be left physically or emotionally injured.

When you have both consented to something that requires skill, or has potential to trigger — such as receiving a slap on the face — your partner should know how to safely execute it and be prepared to support you emotionally. The kind of BDSM we have been talking about, consensual play, requires affirmative yeses, which are all prenegotiated. Of course, you can consent to being slapped on the face, or to being called a slave, but that did not happen here. The slapping as described in this article was bang-on brute violence.

In BDSM role play face-slapping is a trigger for a whole lot of people. The trigger level is so high that we really need to get three times consent. People who slap should learn how to do it safely, and you would never slap someone on an ear. Before the role play, the slapper would ask, are you sure you have no triggers from childhood? Have you ever been slapped before? If so, under what circumstances? Someone might say, “I was slapped a lot in the past by someone who hated me but I want to try being slapped in role play so I can see what it’s like.” I would move very slowly and I’d probably stop after the slap so we can process it and if the receiver wanted to go further we would pick up at a later date.

Responsible BDSM players do not negotiate or play while intoxicated. There was a lot of drinking reported in the story about Schneiderman. You can’t give consent and you can’t accept consent when you are intoxicated. When you are asking for consent you are asking someone to turn over their emotions and their bodies to loan you a piece of their power. We don’t lend power to drunks and drug addicts. People who are BDSM sadists or doms are not enacting their will on a poor, helpless victim; they are accepting responsibility to give someone an experience they have asked for and they are responsible for the result.

A master-slave contract takes time, thought, and sensitivity to negotiate. Schneiderman’s reported references to terms like “master” and “slave” are alarming. Master-slave contracts are negotiated between two consenting, loving people, and they usually take years. They are fine-tuned so that everyone knows where they stand. You discuss exactly how much power is given up and in which situations. They typically do not include what someone eats, and most masters do not order their slave to remove things like tattoos from their bodies.

Race play requires extra-sensitive negotiation and consent. It’s reported that Schneiderman called one of his partners his “brown slave” and demanded that she repeat that she was his property. Race play is just as, if not more, delicate a negotiation than master-slave. It is so loaded. They are some of the deepest, edgiest emotional role-play scenes that two loving people can agree to do together. They are not entered into casually. Or when drunk.

All play requires an affirmative yes from both partners to all planned activities. He was hitting these women so hard they had marks the next day. Marks would be part of the negotiation — you’d ask each other, “Are marks okay?” In cases where you have negotiated no marks and it seems like a sex act might leave a mark, a responsible top will stop and say: “I will not go any further because I can’t be certain that this won’t leave a mark; what else would you like that would not leave a mark?” You have to talk these things through and you have to do that when you are sober. This takes skill.

Nonconsensual breath play (choking) is about the most hideous nonconsensual act in SM, or at least it’s way high on the list. When you are controlling someone’s breath it is so dangerous. Most people don’t swim in that pond. You can do choking with a lot of acting, there are safe places on the neck like the collarbone. You can then put your fingers up over the throat to give the illusion of choking. BDSM is a collection of skills. BDSM players learn from people who know what they are doing.

Always establish a safe word.
When you use a safe word it means that you have to stop. You don’t want to deploy your safe word because you are miserable or hurt: Maybe you need to pee? Maybe a rope is too tight. You stop, come out of role immediately and ask: What do you need? The safe word would stop all play instantly — it doesn’t mean, okay, this is completely over; it just means when it’s uttered everything stops until we figure out why. Safe words are usually words that don’t come up during sex, saying “no no no no no” could be part of the scene. So when someone screams “grapefruit” in the middle of a rape fantasy, it’s clear what that means.

Accidents happen even when there is consent and proper preparation, but there’s a way to deal with that.
Of course role play doesn’t always go exactly as planned. If the giver accidentally makes a wrong stroke and hits some place they didn’t intend to hit, I recommend that the top should acknowledge it. You don’t have to come out of role, you don’t have to grovel. But if you tell the bottom “that was unintentional” that is very important for creating trust and letting the scene swim on. The top might put their hand on the spot to take the sting out. Or give them a kiss, and you can do all of that in a very dominant fashion.

Consent is ongoing, and it can be rescinded at any time.
Withdrawing consent is not renegotiation. Even if these women had consented to a little bit of rough sex (and there’s nothing wrong with that), they did not consent to being brutalized. They did not consent to being slapped in the face on the ear. They didn’t consent to being choked. It doesn’t matter what the role play was if they didn’t consent to that. Role-playing is consensual pretending, it is not BDSM without consent. It’s not violence and abuse.

Complete Article HERE!

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Financial Domination: Inside the Erotic Fetish That Controls Men’s Wallets

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A financial dominatrix rarely takes off her clothes or engages in sex. But she might have to talk a lot of shit about a client’s FICO score or let him listen in while she splurges at Saks with his cash.

 

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[T]he first time Ceara Lynch dipped a toe in the world of sex work, she was 17 and a long way from home. A high school student who had grown up in the Portland, Oregon, area, Lynch was doing a semester abroad as an exchange student in Japan. She didn’t know the language, or anyone who spoke English. She was bored and lonely. So she did what people do now when faced with social isolation: connected with friends, and strangers, online.

“This one guy started randomly talking to me after he saw my profile on some site,” Lynch remembers. Though it wasn’t an adult platform, she explains: “To be straightforward: He was a big pervert.”

This stranger on the Internet had a host of fetishes—golden showers, pantyhose, you name it—stuff that seemed shocking at the time, though Lynch wouldn’t blink twice about anymore. He wanted to meet up; she said absolutely not. “I was young, but I wasn’t stupid,” she points out with a laugh.

When the man finally accepted that there would be no IRL meet-up, he asked her if she’d do something else: let him buy a bottle of her urine. At first she thought no way. But the more that Lynch considered the offer, the more she felt like, “What did I have to lose?” She packed up her pee and sent it away to the address he provided. Two weeks later an envelope arrived in the mail—containing $250 cash. That’s when she recognized a potential business opportunity. “I thought: If guys like this found me by accident, what would happen if I went looking for them?”

Lynch started selling her used underwear, among other things, online through an auction site that is best described at eBay but for fetishes. Guys would bid for her garbage, her used tampons, excrement, “all this wild stuff,” she recalls. But when she started to get messages from men begging to be her “money slave” she had to do some research to figure out what they meant. Eventually she stumbled on the kink she was looking for: financial domination. That was 10 years ago. And it’s how she’s been making her living ever since.

At its most basic level, financial domination is pretty much what it sounds like: domination whereby, instead of a bondage or ball gag, money is the means of (consensual) abuse. When you scratch below the surface though, that’s where it gets a little tougher to understand—as Lynch explains it, all BDSM is an exchange of power, and financial domination isn’t any different, but it’s not a kink most people understand unless they’re into it.

A financial dominatrix might be paid by her submissive to talk shit about his FICO score or tell him she’s going to spend all his money, even if she never actually has access to his accounts. Or maybe she has his credit card numbers and he gets off on the fear that one day she’ll decide to max it out; in other cases, he might send her, via Venmo or another money-sharing app, a certain amount of cash and want to listen in while she’s shopping so he knows how she’s spending it. The whole point is that the submissive gets off on the idea of losing power over his money—it’s his form of waiting for the bullwhip to crack.

FinDom for short, the fetish falls under the BDSM umbrella, can take on a variety of forms, and is admittedly fairly niche; it also goes by other names, like financial slavery. A financial dominatrix rarely—if ever—takes off her clothes or has sex with a client. According to Lynch, the fact that she doesn’t is an integral part of her brand.

“I don’t get naked in my videos. That’s kind of important for my image actually. If I were to do that, I would certainly gain another audience,” she says. “But I would lose a lot of them too, because the whole idea is that my submissives aren’t worthy of seeing me naked. Also I just don’t want to.”

FinDoms—who are typically women, though not always—might be called money mistresses, while submissives are referred to as cash cows, money slaves, or pay pigs, among other epithets. Unlike a sugar baby, a woman who has an emotional or sexual relationship with her client in exchange for cash, she’s demanding and assertive, not supplicant or sweet. But though the specifics of a relationship dynamic might vary, in a culture that equates money with power, and sex with power, financial domination can sound, at least in theory, like the ultimate aphrodisiac to some.

While financial domination is better known than it used to be, it remains a highly niche fetish that sex researchers don’t know much about, much like BDSM itself. Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., is an award-winning sex researcher and psychology professor whose book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life hits shelves this summer, explains that the lack of qualitative and quantitative data on this sexual proclivity has much to do with the fact that we literally haven’t been asking people about it. Questions about FinDom have yet to appear on national sex surveys, which also means that we have little way of knowing if it’s more or less popular now than it used to be.

At least one thing is clear, though. “The Internet has allowed people with interest in BDSM to find a like-minded community.” That’s the medium through which most FinDoms work, whether via chat, video, pay-per-minute calls, and “ignore lines,” which are exactly what they sound like: a line that a sub calls into with the express purpose of paying for the pleasure of being ignored.

If you think it sounds easy, Lynch wants to correct the record: “You see a lot of girls try and get into it by just setting up a Twitter account. But if you’re going hunting for these guys, you’re just not going to find them.”

In a way, a successful financial dominatrix is just like any other online influencer. It’s all about building a brand, creating content, and connecting with followers in a way that brings them back for more. “Offering webcam, making videos, having an Instagram and Twitter presence”—in other words, diversifying revenue streams so that you’re widening your reach and depending less on one-on-one interactions. Maybe you also dabble in foot fetish or humiliation (Lynch also refers to herself as a humiliatrix). “If you keep doing that, and putting it out there, every once in a while, you’ll catch what I like to call a white whale,” she says, “one of those guys who surfaces, gives you a ton of money and then disappears.”

Speaking of money, by now you’re probably wondering what a financial dominatrix actually commands for her services. That answer depends on a range of variables. But Lynch breaks it down by the things she actually sells. “My webcam rate is $10 per minute, and my prerecorded videos, which usually run about 10 minutes, are around $10. If I guy wants a custom video, those start at $250 or so, and scale up depending on how elaborate their idea is. Then I have my phone lines: Talking to me is $5 per minute. With the ignore line, the guy just calls me and then I put the phone down, and I get paid for as long as he stays on the line.”

Other FinDoms Glamour spoke to for this story said they wouldn’t get on the phone for less than $50, and that their financial domination “side hustle” might yield $30,000 a year. Lynch is less inclined to share an exact figure, but it’s worth mentioning that, when we spoke, she was in the midst of a three-month trip through Asia, and that this duration of travel is a pretty normal part of her lifestyle. “I make six figures, I’ll say that,” she says. She’s used the money to buy a few investment properties, and has been an incorporated business for 10 years.

Another FinDom Glamour emailed with shared that, over the past 19 years, her financial domination business has afforded her the kind of lifestyle where she could be available and present for her four kids every day. When we connected, she was currently taking her youngest on a class trip to Disney World before heading back to work after the vacation.

Of course, on top of the rates and attention for pay, there’s also another financial element: spending sub’s money. Tatiana, a 30-year-old West Coast-based financial dominatrix, relayed an exchange with a client who transferred $450 into her Venmo account—under the condition that she go shopping and let him listen into how he spent her money.

The phone stayed in her purse, from which she could hear him loudly protesting the conversations about specific items she was having with the salespeople—the resistance, and the sub’s inability to do anything about it, is part of the kink. When she pouted about the fact that he hadn’t sent her enough to buy a pair Louboutin booties, he eventually wound up sending her an extra $200. “I viewed it as a tip,” she says.

Lynch recalled a time that a sub wanted to be “tag-teamed” by herself and another FinDom: He paid for an hour of their cam time each, set up his credit card information with Saks Fifth Avenue sites, and requested that they tell him what they were buying as they shopped the site. “I think we ended up spending something like $10,000 between us just in that hour,” she says.

But it’s not all shopping sprees and big spenders. “The thing about this fetish is that you don’t necessarily have to have a lot of money to have it,” she says. “You might just get off on the idea of it.”

“For instance, I had a guy one time call me on my talk line, just for a quick chat. He wanted me to tell him how rich I am, how I want all his money, how greedy I am. Then, at the end, he hung up and paid me maybe $10.”

Another thing about being a financial dominatrix versus a real-life dungeon master is that it removes the element—and some of the potential danger—of working in the BDSM world. Because doms and subs tend not to exchange real identifying information, it allows for more anonymity (for example, Ceara Lynch is not Ceara Lynch’s real name), and the fact that interactions largely happen online on or the phone adds a protective layer into the practice.

Over the last decade Lynch can recall being doxxed only once, and when she reported it to police, they basically told her there was no recourse. In the end, she decided the best way to deal with it was to ignore it, and eventually the guy just faded away. “Unfortunately, if someone really wanted to find a lot of personal information about me, they could. There’s only so much I can do about it. It’s just kind of a risk I’m willing to take.”

Subs are obviously going out on a limb too. Sydney Lee, a dominatrix whose YouTube channel AstroDomina is devoted to explaining kinks of all kinds to the layman viewer, describes how her pay pigs getting aroused by the idea that she could financially ruin them at any moment.

“It’s a deep mental fetish, and it definitely takes more than a random pretty girl saying, ‘Give me money,’” she says in a video devoted to FinDom. That comment echoed an observation Lynch made about supply and demand—and why it’s harder to be a successful financial dominatrix than it might seem. Which makes sense, given that capitulation to the dom is part of the kink.

“One thing about financial domination is that there’s this element of humiliation that goes along with it,” explains Lehmiller. “What we know now from a lot of research is that physical pain and psychological pain activate the same areas of the brain and have similar effects. One of those effects makes us focus more on the here and now, allowing us to experience other things more intensely—for example, if you experience pain and then have sexual stimulation afterward, it might feel more intense.” In the case of financial domination, it’s not hard to see how chasing intensity might put a submissive on the road to financial ruin. It’s the kind of costly thrill you don’t want to be addicted to unless you can afford it.

Lee, of AstroDomina, positioned it in her FinDom video like this: “Handing over money is the ultimate representation of surrender or submission for most money slaves.” And with all the ways to connect and spend money these days, it’s never been easier for subs to find their financial doms or make deposits into their accounts.

Lynch has watched the landscape change a lot over the years. “When I first started, there were about five girls doing this,” she says. “But now there’s this huge influx of girls trying to do it because it seems easy. Once, one of my slaves gave me his log-in to Twitter and I went through his DMs—there were all these women trying to hustle him, like, ‘Hey bitch, pay me.’ I’ve had the luxury of time to build my brand, and I don’t mean to talk shit; however girls make it work, they make it work. But I thought it was fascinating because I have never sent a message to a guy first. They come to me.”

She used to think she would be out of the business by now, and, in a way, she’s a little surprised at how in-demand she continues to be.

“In the adult industry youth and beauty are your main currency—I imagined that mine would be up by now. But I make more and more money every year. It’s really confusing and unexpected. I always told myself I would keep doing it until it makes sense not to. I have my bachelor’s, but it’s not a very useful bachelor’s, so I’ve thought about going back to school one day.”

But even though she know she has plenty of options on the table, Lynch says, at this point, it doesn’t make sense to set FinDom aside—she just doesn’t have a reason to. “I make a lot of money. I travel. I have a really cool life right now. My focus is to make as much money as I can for the future, put it into real estate and other investments. Once the reason to stop arrives, I just want to have a good nest egg to explore the rest of my life.”

Complete Article HERE!

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What it’s like to work at a foot fetish party

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‘I haven’t eaten tonight – well I have, but I haven’t digested anything!’

I’m talking to Clive*, a TEFL teacher in his 30s who does a funny little laugh at this point.

The joke is that Clive has spent the evening ‘eating’ women’s feet, at an event where men with a foot fetish can taste the toes of multiple women in one night.

‘I’ve had a few foot sessions with escorts,’ says Clive, ‘but these parties are much more fun.’

At the event undercover, I’m standing with Clive at the nibbles counter, where there’s a strong smell of cheesy Doritos, only I’m not sure it’s coming from the crisps.

On sofas all over the room, men are ‘worshipping’ the feet of women who call themselves ‘femdoms’ and ‘foot goddesses.’ Having paid up to £70 to attend the party, the men then pay £20 for every ten minutes they spend kissing, licking and sucking the feet of the ‘foot models.’

It’s not just the sofas that are in demand – the floor is scattered with men being trampled, a practice that consists of standing on a man’s body – and sometimes his face.

I’m initiated into trampling by Brian, one of the two foot fetishists who run the party. Brian, who’s in his late 40s, works in IT. He spends most of the five hour event lying on his back, by the wall, while women stand on his face. When I see him at the end of the night, his hair is matted to the back of his head.

‘No need to stand on my chest first, you can stand straight onto my face,’ says Brian, with scant regard for his eye sockets. I don’t want to shatter Brian’s cheekbones, but I’ve been warned not to show hesitation.

‘Do it without a shred of concern for his safety,’ say the Model Rules and Guidelines I’ve been sent before the party. ‘They enjoy the idea of a sexy girl using them as a rug,’ the rules explain, and so, ‘your being scared of hurting him simply kills the fantasy.’

Taking this on board, I stand on Brian’s face and miraculously it doesn’t crumble. Every couple of minutes, he taps my ankle. This is my cue to step off, so he can turn his head, alternating between left, right and centre.

‘You don’t need to move about,’ says Brian, before my feet obstruct his mouth. ‘Just stand there…’

Unaware that I’m a journalist, Brian’s co-conspirator Tom recruited me for the party via emails and an interview in a Battersea pub. Tom, who’s in his early 30s, tells me there’s a lot of competition to be a foot model at the monthly parties: ‘All the girls want to do it again – it’s a way to make good money without actually having sex.’

Despite Tom’s persistence, I dodge going to his flat for the ‘second part of the interview’ and so he insists on conducting it at the start of the party, if I’m to be allowed to stay.

Swooping in as soon as he spots me, Tom (who’s made several references to having a girlfriend) leads me to a private room, and sucks my feet while maintaining eye contact the entire time.

Later that night I talk to a guy who says he’s heard Tom and Brian personally road-test newbie foot models. I confirm this is true, and he says (as if they’ve hit the jackpot): ‘of course they do! Perk of the job isn’t it!’

The night’s theme is Playboy Bunnies, but getting ready in the locker room at the start of the night, not all the foot models are putting on bunny ears and bowties.

‘I’m just wearing a jumper,’ says one. ‘The guys don’t care what you wear. They only care about your feet.’

One woman shaves her legs in the sink, while another asks for help applying fake tan to her back. Foot models who’ve done it before tell me it’s easy money and several women say they’ve done it for years, supplementing incomes as cam models and dominatrixes.

A woman wearing footless fishnet tights and a leotard says some guys and goddesses haven’t been allowed back after they were caught having sex in the private rooms. The guys had apparently handed out coke to make the models livelier. Now the doors to the private rooms must be kept half open.

Held in the city, at a venue that’s a yoga studio by day and swingers’ club by night, each private room contains a wipe-down ‘bed’, odourless foot spray, and a roll of kitchen towel. Fetishists who want to worship privately pay an extra £20 for the use of a room but the party’s code of conduct still applies: ‘Don’t trample his groin, no matter how much he might want you to. It’s not allowed.’

I spend ten minutes in a private room with Ali, a dentist from Woking who’s in his late forties. Looking at my shoes, he says, ‘will you leave them on for a bit?’ Then he sniffs them and whimpers, as if he’s a kitten and my shoes are drenched in catnip.

Finally Ali removes my shoes from my feet, and deeply inhales the inner soles. At this point, he makes a funny face, as if he’s cum in his pants.

Back in the main room I meet Jay, an investment banker with a well-groomed beard and a Barbour-style gilet. In his early 30s, he sits on the sofa and hits himself in the face with the sole of my foot, saying: ‘I’m a dirty boy! I’m dirty!’

Then he covers his face with my feet in the way a child might cover their face with their hands, when they’re being told off. Afterwards he pays me from a wallet full of fifties.

Lee, who’s in his mid-thirties, is a retail manager from Essex. He tells me past girlfriends made him feel ashamed of his foot fetish.

‘We’d be watching TV and I’d start massaging her feet and she’d be like, “eurgh, what are you doing? You’re not into that are you?” and I’d be like, ‘oh, no, I’m not really into it…’”

Lee tells me the parties allow him to meet women who don’t make him feel bad for liking feet. I ask if he’d still come to the parties if he had a girlfriend who let him touch her feet. He tells me: ‘I don’t know, because it might be crossing a line, but I’d miss the parties if I didn’t come anymore – I enjoy meeting people.’

Jack is a high-flying, salt and pepper DILF who says his foot fetish started a year ago: ‘I was having sex, and I realised I was turned on by the woman’s feet.’

Jack then researched foot fetishes online, looking for an outlet. He says: ‘I had a paid session with a foot mistress, but we didn’t connect because she couldn’t relate to me. There seems to be a correlation between having a foot fetish and being submissive, but I am not into subservience or being abused or being called a slave – I just like feet!’

This is Jack’s first foot party, and following up afterwards, he tells me he’s not sure he’d go again.

‘I had fun pushing boundaries, but the men gave me chills,’ says Jack. ‘I had to drink eight mini bottles of Prosecco to zone out of the environment.

‘If the guys had been normal, I might have gone back, but they were bottom feeders. I didn’t want to be around those guys.

‘The girls were mostly very attractive and the guys were losers – that discrepancy made me uncomfortable.’

The evening’s activities lead to an awkward encounter with Jack’s dentist.

‘I’d never had feet in my mouth, so I didn’t know what to do, and I ended up with all these cuts from the girls’ toenails,’ he explains. Eating a snack before bed that night, Jack broke a tooth and had to visit his dentist the next day.

‘I’ve been seeing him for ten years, and now I’m turning up with my mouth in shreds!’ says Jack. ‘His assistant commented – luckily I couldn’t respond at the time so she didn’t expect an answer!’

Jack says going to the party made him realise, ‘my fetish is only two or three out of ten, compared to other guys whose fetish was eight or nine out of ten. I still prefer other parts of a woman, like her breasts and her bum.’

It’s the end of the evening before I realise that the ice-buckets on every table are basically bins. They’re for disposing of the kitchen roll the models have used to wipe the men’s saliva off their feet. I find myself feeling sorry for anyone who’s served their bubbly in these buckets on nights to come.

Then one of the foot models tells me a guy has offered her £500 to sh*t on him, and suddenly saliva doesn’t seem so bad.

Complete Article HERE!

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Welcome To The Wacky World Of Fetish Porn

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By Sarah Raphael

[I]n 2017, Pornhub boasted an average of 81 million active users a day, culminating in 28.5 billion visits over the course of the year. For comparison, Twitter had 100 million active users per day, and the BBC had a global average of 372 million people per week. As responsible citizens, we like to keep abreast of current affairs, and it appears we like porn just as much.

According to Pornhub’s survey, the most searched terms on the site last year were, in order: lesbian, hentai (anime/ manga porn), milf, stepmum, stepsister, and mum. Lesbian is perhaps unremarkable, since it appeals to several genders and orientations, but hentai at number two is a surprise, and it only gets weirder from there. Hentai loosely translates from Japanese as ‘a perverse sexual desire’ – but when manga and mummy porn are among the top six search terms of 81 million watchers a day, is it time we reconsider what constitutes ‘abnormal sexual desire’?

In his masterpiece podcast The Butterfly Effect, journalist Jon Ronson interviews the founders of Anatomik Media, a company based in LA which produces made-to-order fetish videos for private clients. The videos, produced by the company’s founders, husband and wife duo Dan and Rhiannon, cost anywhere between a few hundred and several thousand dollars, and the clients will often send a script or a specific set of instructions for how the fetish fantasy should play out. Some of the videos they talk about on the podcast include burning a man’s very expensive stamp collection, and pouring condiments like ketchup on a woman in a paddling pool. “We take everyone’s fetish very seriously, we don’t laugh at them,” Rhiannon tells Jon. In the same episode, Jon interviews fetish actress/ producer Christina Carter, who stars as Wonder Woman in Wonder Woman vs. The Gremlin, a custom video series for a private client in which Wonder Woman is controlled by a gremlin who hits her over the head to keep her in the room. Jon emails the client to ask where this scenario came from and eventually he replies, saying that his mother left when he was five and he remembers watching her leave; the inference is that he is the gremlin in the scenario, trying to make his mother (Wonder Woman) stay

“I don’t consider any of the fetishes people come to see me to explore as being ‘unusual’,” Miss Bliss, a 31-year-old pansexual, feminist dominatrix with 10 years’ experience in the sex work industry, tells me over email. “I try and break down barriers, not reinforce them. I teach my clients that it takes courage to embrace one’s desires and strength to experiment and understand and indulge in them, regardless of what their particular fetish is. There are no unusual fetishes, just unusual societal standards.” The services Miss Bliss offers include ‘corporal punishment’ (spanking, slapping, whipping, etc), ‘foot/high heel worship’, ‘wax play’, ‘puppy play’ (being treated like a dog), ‘adult baby care’ (being treated like a baby) and ‘consensual blackmail’, which, as she explains, is an act “involving one person or people giving written or verbal permission to release sensitive and potentially damaging information, and/or agreed-upon falsehoods/embellishments if previously agreed-upon actions/terms are not met.” On her website, the explanation is a little easier to comprehend: “Beg and plead with me not to release any intimate images, videos and messages to your partner, family, co-workers or on social media.” Miss Bliss says she sees the game of consensual blackmail as “just another way of stripping someone of ego, control and power, which allows the person to be vulnerable and in a constant state of heightened excitement.”

Humiliation is a common theme in Miss Bliss’ services, and an inherent part of BDSM. “When conducted consensually, safely and appropriately, it can be incredibly liberating,” she explains. “People enjoy humiliation as a way to break down the boundaries we put up in our day-to-day lives and stay ‘safe’ behind. It opens a door to vulnerability, repressed emotions and allows feelings like control, responsibility and ego to take a back seat in a safe environment.” Miss Bliss describes an “outpouring of emotion” from some clients after a session and includes aftercare as part of the package – “to build the submissive back up so they feel supported, nurtured and protected.”

When I ask why Miss Bliss thinks people end up in her dungeon or domestic space, she answers: “For so many reasons. A lot to do with their upbringing, their relationship with others and themselves, the power struggle they feel in their careers… Everyone wants to feel heard, to be seen and to feel understood. Coming to see a professional who bears no judgement, has only the best intentions and understands boundaries and respect is one of the most healthy ways to work through psychosexual subjects. It is certainly a form of therapy.”

When you put it like that, it’s hard to remember why stigma exists at all around fetish. And yet, if you found out your colleague watched hot wax porn every night, you might raise an eyebrow, or if someone in your circle revealed that they were a client of Miss Bliss and enjoyed puppy play on a Saturday, you might fall off your chair – because these things aren’t talked about and they come as a shock.

“There’s generally two reasons that fetishes are talked about in the public domain,” explains Professor Mark Griffiths, a chartered psychologist and professor of behavioural addiction at Nottingham Trent University, over the phone, “either because somebody has been criminally arrested because the fetish constitutes some kind of criminal activity or it’s people who are written about because they’re seeking treatment for their fetish. But I would argue with the vast majority of fetishes – what we call non-normative sexual behaviours – there’s absolutely no problematic element for anyone engaging in them.”

Professor Griffiths has written extensively about fetish on his blog, and says he almost always concludes his posts with the fact that we just don’t know enough about fetishes or how many people have them because the studies that have been conducted are so small. “We recently interviewed eight dacryphiles – people who are sexually aroused by crying,” he says, “and found that there were three completely different types of dacryphile even in the sample of eight people. Half were ‘sadistic’ dacryphiles where their pleasure came from making other people cry, three people were ‘compassionate’ dacryphiles who were sexually aroused by men crying, and one person’s particular fetish was when people are about to cry and their lower lip starts to wobble – that was the sexually arousing part – so we called that a ‘curled lip’ dacryphile. These eight people were from one forum – the crying forum – but there could be many other types of dacryphile.”

Having researched and written about all sorts of fetishes, from bushy eyebrow fetishes to injection fetishes, shoe fetishes and fruit fetishes, Professor Griffiths reaffirms that “the vast majority of people with fetishes don’t have psychological problems or mental disorders, it’s just something they like. We have to accept, in terms of how we develop sexually, that there are going to be lots of different things that get people aroused, and some things are seen as normal, and others are seen as strange and bizarre. For example, if you’ve got a fetish for soiled underclothes – which is called mysophilia – that’s more embarrassing to talk about than if you’ve got a fetish just for knickers. One is seen as bizarre, one isn’t.”

Professor Griffiths’ first port of call in his research on fetish is online forums – like the crying forum – where people connect with others who have the same or a similar fetish. Natasha (not her real name) uses online forums to explore her fetish, which is hair, specifically haircuts, known as trichophilia. “I masturbate while watching videos of women having their hair cut,” she explains on email. “It freaks me out that I like it, I used to be really scared of having my hair cut when I was a child, and somehow as I got older, it became a sexual thing.” Natasha goes on websites such as Extreme Haircuts and Haircuts Revisited and watches videos of and reads stories about women having their hair cut. “I feel like a freak,” she tells me, “but there’s a whole world of haircut porn on the internet, so I’m not the only one.” Natasha says that discovering porn catered to her fetish was liberating, but she still deletes her search history so that her boyfriend doesn’t find out.

“We are led to believe that there are few options in which we can express our sexuality healthily, when nothing could be further from the truth,” says Miss Bliss. “This, in conjunction with the various religious messages which restrict our sexual expression, leaves people feeling so isolated, which is what I am here to change.” Miss Bliss is on a mission to open up sexuality and empower people to explore their kinks in a safe, consensual setting.

Whether we know about it or not, the world of fetish and its many online and offline facets has a place in our society. It might be something we frown at, but there’s no denying that people have a need and are using these services – Pornhub search terms are the tip of the iceberg. As Professor Griffiths concludes: “It might be non-normative, but that doesn’t mean it’s abnormal.” Who knows what dreams may come when you approach the dungeon.

Complete Article HERE!

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No Fetish Required: You Don’t Need A Kink For A Great Connection

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It’s fine not to have a fetish

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[T]here have been times when friends, family and random strangers will ask why I don’t just write about ‘normal sex’.

I’d love to. Believe me, I enjoy it as much as the next person.

It might save that awkward moment on the phone when I have to explain I must dash off in order to finish a blog about small penis humiliation, or have to leave a coffee date because I’ve had a great idea about foot fetishists.

I went on a date recently and had to awkwardly explain what I did for a living.

The reply was a meek: ‘I just like vagina, is that OK?’

Of course it’s OK. It’s absolutely OK. You like vagina all you want, buddy.

Unfortunately, it does seem that unless you have a fetish, your sex life is automatically thought of as somewhat underwhelming.

Not true. Unfair. I call a stewards enquiry on that.

Instead, it’s perfectly fine not to have a fetish.

Not everyone wants to cater a kink, and that’s OK.

We have so many terms for various sexualities these days, but when you’re happy being kink-less, you get lumbered with the term ‘vanilla’, and not even a spot on a rainbow flag.

Vanilla is such a rubbish phrase. Vanilla is boring, it’s plain. It’s the last ice cream in Tesco.

Vanilla shouldn’t mean what it does: that you don’t enjoy kinky sex.

You are not plain, or boring, and the kink community really needs to stop using disparaging words to describe people who aren’t into BDSM (Bondage, domination, sadism, masochism)

On the flip-side, they also need to stop using rather audacious terms to describe themselves.

My red flags go up when I see someone’s dating profile refer to them as ‘interesting, adventurous, or experimental’.

Somehow, they believe a Fetlife account and spreader bars have turned them into Bear Grylls.

I’ve seen enough ‘kink-lover’ profiles in my time to assure everyone out there that no-one is a better human because they like kinky sex. That’s not how life works.

Unfortunately, this use of language seems to put a lot of pressure on people to ‘spice things up a bit’, and their first port of call is kink.

Here are a few of the worst reasons why, if you’re just not into it, you shouldn’t do it.

‘It might spice up our sex life’

Many things will spice up your sex life without BDSM being involved.

Think really hard about what makes you tingle. Is it being tied up? Cool, but consider what the chances of your partner also getting turned on from tying you up are.

What if they like to be tied up too? And after that, what then? I’m afraid you really will have to put some effort in.

Couples seem to jump to kinky sex without stopping at communicating with each other.

One of my most popular requests as a sex worker was ‘tie and tease’, where I would tie someone up and was supposed to tease them with activities they would enjoy.

When I asked them, however, what it was they would like to try, their answer was always, ‘Do whatever you want.’.

This would give me carte blanche to f*** off and watch EastEnders for an hour.

Basically, if you’re not committed to telling your partner what you want to try, and are the kind of person who will say, ‘Just do whatever you want’, then it all seems a little half-arsed.

Do some research, find some beginners’ guides, and try to state what things you would definitely like to do.

‘It’ll make me interesting’

‘Well, it’s OK, I guess’

It won’t.

In my experience, partners who I have met on the kink scene pretty much only talk about the kink scene.

TED have worked out that the best amount of time for someone to talk about a subject and keep people engaged is 18 minutes.

If you go beyond that then I am ready to dig your tongue out with hot knives, no matter how great you are at Shibari.

What makes someone interesting is passion, drive, knowledge – not what they like to get up to in the bedroom.

‘Maybe my partner will like it?

Oh hunny, no.

Don’t ever go doing something because you think your partner will like it.

If they do, what then? You’re stuck doing something you don’t really get much of a kick out of.

If anything, kink and BDSM is about reciprocal appreciation. As a dominant, a lot of submissiveness felt gratification from our activities together because I’m getting off on it, and vice versa.

It should be a lovely Fibonacci spiral where you’re both feeling pleasure from each other’s enjoyment, not an abyss you fall into because you both think that’s what each other wants.

That, right there, is a black hole.

Know who else like vanilla sex?

Christian Grey. Yep, I said it. If you actually watch the films – because god knows I’m not reading the books – he doesn’t actually do very much in the way of BDSM.

He ‘likes to f***. Hard’, but everything else is just gilding the lily.

Sure, he might tie Anna up sometimes, but otherwise he’s as vanilla as custard.

It’s not hard to discover if something turns you on or not, but don’t launch into something because you think the other person might like it or because you think it will add a new and interesting dimension to your personality.

At the end of the day, I’m super happy with my dates giving my vagina a thumbs-up.

If anything, that’s pretty integral to the whole shebang.

I’m happy for anyone to have a fetish, or a kink, but the main thing I want, and I think I speak for most people here, is to be able to have a great conversation, easily won laughter, and a connection that will survive an onslaught of bad puns.

Complete Article HERE!

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Mother Me!

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Name: Maggie
Gender: female
Age: 36
Location: Reno
I’m faced with a real problem. I consider myself pretty open minded about most things, including sex. Hell, I live and work in Reno, for god sake. I’ve encountered my share of kinksters in my day, but mostly at a distance. Now the kink is right on my doorstep, or should I say right in my bed. My muscular, well-built boyfriend, a guy who does erotic dancing for a living, wants to wear diapers in our sex play. WTF? I never saw this coming. I thought this guy was a normal as they came till last week when he showed up at my place wearing diapers under his workout pants and he wanted me to baby him. I pretty much lost it. Help me understand what’s going on here.

[W]hat we have here, darling, is a fella with a diaper fetish, but you’ve already figured that much out on your own, right? This particular fetish is associated with a paraphilia called infantilism. It seems to be growing in popularity, or at least it’s way more out of the closet these days. The internet offers several sites that cater to Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers. (The shorthand being: AB/DLs) They feature adult sized baby things — diapers, clothes and baby toys, you name it. Check out the main one HERE!

Why would anyone, least of all your hunky stripper boyfriend, be into this? Well, there’s lots of speculation about that — ranging from traumatic early life experiences to the simple desire to be babied. So I guess you’ll just have to ask him what’s up with him, because the source of his urges may be very particular to him.

I want to quickly point out that none of this actually involves real babies or children. And while infantilism and diaper fetishes are pretty benign as far as fetishes go; I certainly can see how the eroticism in a relationship can go right out the window when such a thing is introduced by surprise. I mean, if you are all hot for this dude because he’s hunky and masculine and stuff, and he surprises you with diapers and wants you to mother him; that could easily put the kibosh on the whole sex thing right away.

So I gotta ask, are you into this guy enough to try and understand and perhaps even indulge his particular kink? Or is this just too much, even for an open-minded gal like you, to bear? If you want to go the route of trying to understand, I do have some thoughts.

If you can abide a little diaper play with the BF, I think he’d be eternally grateful. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him to come out to you like he did. I do encourage, however, that you to set some boundaries. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, what you will and will not tolerate. Then stick to your guns. You might want to suggest a trade off; you’ll indulge him his diapers and whatnot just as long as his freak doesn’t cross over into your intimate sex life together.

Of course, it’s quite possible that you could, with time, get into this kink. Really, all it takes is a little patience and understanding. Because, if the truth be told, Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers, are just doing drag. A peculiar kind of drag, no doubt, but drag nonetheless.

Good Luck

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