What is ‘veto power’ in non-monogamous relationships

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

By Gigi Engle

If you opened up your relationship, would you want the ability to tell your partner’s other partners to piss off if you weren’t down with them? Intrigued? Let’s talk about “veto power.”

Veto power within consensually non-monogamous relationships is a hotly debated topic. People within the CNM community have very strong feelings about it. But, what does it mean to have veto power? “In CNM relationships, ‘veto’ indicates an agreement between primary partners in which they can say no to new or other partners,” says Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. It’s the ability to tell your partner that they essentially have to break up with their other partner(s) if you don’t like them or the relationship. If that sounds problematic, that’s because it often is.

Whether you love it or hate it, the concept of veto power is one worth exploring and unpacking. As with all things dating-related, it’s complicated and in need of nuanced conversations.

If you’re active in the online dating realm, you’ve probably been hearing more about CNM — aka ethical non-monogamy or ENM — lately. The term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen a 213 percent spike in searches in the last year alone.

Here is everything you should know about veto power within CNM dynamics.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. It grants partners the ability to determine who their partner can and cannot have relationships with. It exists within hierarchical CNM dynamics, wherein there are two (or more) primary partners and all other partners are considered ‘secondary.’

Joli Hamilton, a qualitative researcher and relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, tells us veto power is an explicit or implicit agreement that one partner within a primary relationship can require a change to the structure, intensity, or existence of their partner’s other relationships. This can be true of new partners and existing partners. “Sometimes veto power is explicitly granted as a way to reinforce the idea that an existing couple will remain the priority over any new relationships that may come into existence,” she explains.

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. In order to use veto power in an ethical way (though some would argue it is never ethical), the agreement must be explicit. All partners within the relationship need to understand that the veto power is in place, how it functions for the primary partners, and consent to honoring it. As you may have guessed, this can get quite complicated.

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might choose to enact veto power. Hamilton says that it’s often used as a tool to help couples feel safer when they’re first opening up. Basically, it makes you feel like no matter who else you or your partner might date, you’ll always be the “chosen one.”

“Lots of people want veto power when they are transitioning from a monogamous paradigm to a more expansive relationship structure, in part because they can’t imagine a world where they wouldn’t have a say over what their partner does with their emotions or body,” she explains. This need to be held above all others is born out of ‘compulsory monogamy,’ the socially constructed notion that being monogamous and prioritizing one partner is the “correct” way of existing within a relationship.

And yes, this has problematic implications when you’re practicing CNM because it tries to hold a different way of relating to the monogamous standard. Hamilton says she’s seen plenty of couples use veto power as a means to retain a sense of control, with decidedly mixed results.

The positives of ‘veto power’

Criss tells us that there can be upsides in using veto power within CNM dynamics. If your relationship is consensually hierarchical, the veto can act as a safeguard for the primary partnership. Depending on the outlined agreement between partners, “this objection can be at the beginning of an additional relationship or later, if that relationship has become problematic,” she says. “One way to think of it is as a safe word for CNM: it indicates there is a problem or concern that needs to be addressed.”

When used in this way, the veto acts as less of a tool of control and more as a way to explore issues that come up with primary partners and their other partners. “It can be quite useful,” Criss adds.

Again, for this dynamic to work – the veto, and what it means within your dynamic, needs to be clearly outlined and agreed to by all parties involved in the relationship. When a person within the primary partnership takes on a secondary or tertiary partner, that partner needs to be fully aware of the existing veto power and consent to it. Otherwise, we’re just getting plain old unethical.

Hierarchical polyamorous and open structures are a highly contentious subject within the CNM community – with some people strongly endorsing hierarchy and others believing it is entirely unethical. Those who oppose it point to “monogamy culture,” wherein the idea of the “primary partnership” is of utmost importance – which goes against the very nature of CNM. There isn’t a total consensus.

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

Veto power offers primary partners a sense of control within relationships, but Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist, says that the “control” is usually a band-aid for larger issues. Often, the veto is used as a way to avoid dealing with the myriad uncomfortable feelings that come with opening up a relationship. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” she says. It tries to remove the need to face and work through difficult emotions and dynamics that inevitably come up when you’re involved with multiple partners. This doesn’t solve anything, and instead can build resentment.

Veto power can also be problematic when it is used as a means to control your partner’s behavior. Criss tells us that “using a veto to non-consensually control or threaten your partner is not OK, in fact it runs counter to the general idea of CNM.” CNM specifically emphasizes consent and individual autonomy so, when veto power is used as a way to infringe upon a partner’s autonomy, that’s when it becomes an issue.

“Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance.” Hamilton agrees, telling us that veto power can lead to hypervigilance within a relationship, often resulting in monitoring your partner’s behavior such as checking their phones or social media and trying to control who they are with and when. “All of these can increase the amount of jealousy we feel, and none of those behaviors lead to more trust in your partner,” she says. “Instead it keeps you locked in a cycle of watchful waiting for your partner to screw up or overstep your comfort.”

What’s more, even if both primary partners agree that veto power is on the table, it often neglects to consider the feelings, wishes, and boundaries of the (very real) human people who aren’t in the primary partnership. “Veto power removes consent, especially when you consider that in CNM there are multiple people involved,” Ghose says. This can turn into a very messy situation, very quickly.

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

Navigating these conversations requires empathy and nuance. “If your partner wants a veto and you’re not into it, this is an opportunity to get curious and investigate,” Criss says.

She suggests exploring the following questions: Why are they asking for this? Are you in alignment with your relationship goals, your CNM dynamic, and how you are feeling about each other?

Hamilton tells us that the need for veto can begin to dissipate once you learn to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. “Learn to regulate your nervous system and practice holding your body’s sensations and emotions during times of stress,” she says. This can look like adopting grounding and breathing techniques.

You may want to trade in veto power for authentic ways your partner can make you feel secure – and visa versa. “Have conversations about what security looks like and sounds like for you. Ask for those things to be prioritized,” Hamilton says. “Don’t make your partner guess – actually tell them what it looks and sounds like for you to receive their loving attention. Help them co-create a sense of security with you.”

Sometimes these conversations can be scary or confronting. If you find this is the case, you can always employ the help of a qualified, CNM-friendly sex therapist or coach to help you.

Whatever your journey is, we salute you.

Complete Article HERE!

Are You Adrift in a Sexless Relationship?

— People in their 50s are having less sex than they’d like. Here’s how to turn things around

By Ken Budd

Steve Walsh and his wife, Linda (not their real names), last had sex in 2012. The Walshes married in 2003, raised three children in western Washington state and shared a deep Christian faith. Still, numerous challenges made their bedroom a no-sex zone. Linda survived breast cancer, but the medications lowered her libido. Steve also believes she suffers from undiagnosed depression. Over time their relationship deteriorated, and their sex life ended. The couple are now divorcing.

Steve, 58, is nervous about dating yet eager to end 10 years of agonizing celibacy. “I want so badly to have that closeness with someone,” he says. “I dream about it.”

A surprisingly high percentage of people in their 50s are living sexless lives — and the number is growing. In 2018, 20 percent of Americans ages 50 to 59 hadn’t had sex in the past year. By 2022, the number was 30 percent, according to data from the biannual General Social Survey (GSS), conducted by the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center. How bad is that? The sexless rate was just under 10 percent for Americans ages 40 to 49 and around 12 percent for those 30 to 39.

Even sexually active 50-somethings aren’t necessarily satisfied, according to a new AARP study called “Ageless Desire: Sex and Relationships in Middle Age and Beyond.” Forty-three percent of people in their 50s are not having sex as often as they wish they were, the survey found.

Percentage of Americans 50–59 who aren’t having sex

Women

25% in 2016
41% in 2022

Men

15% in 2016
18% in 2022

Although the COVID pandemic didn’t ignite this trend, it did accelerate it, says Nicholas H. Wolfinger, who studies the GSS data as a professor of family and consumer studies and adjunct professor of sociology at the University of Utah. Why might this be? Gen Xers are facing multiple mojo-reducing challenges, including sandwich-generation stress and fatigue. Physical changes due to menopause or health issues such as high blood pressure and diabetes can wreak havoc on the libido. Renée Yvonne, a certified sex counselor in Washington, D.C., who specializes in Gen Xers, once dated a man with a low sex drive due to a drug he was taking. “I felt embarrassed because we’re taught that all men want sex,” she recalls. “I thought something was wrong with me.”

For singles, finding a partner in your 50s can feel like entering an alien universe. Just 23 percent of Americans in their 50s have ever used a dating website or app, and only 5 percent did so within the past year, according to a Pew Research Center study. “When we first started dating, there weren’t all of these apps,” Yvonne says. “Some people just say, ‘Why am I going through this?’ ”

But there is hope. To rev up your sex life, consider this advice from medical and psychological experts.

If your sex drive has diminished …

Call the doctor. Get a physical, and make sure any chronic ailments are under control. Don’t be shy about mentioning your libido. Women can talk to the gynecologist about treatments such as vaginal estrogen. “Dryness is an easily reversible condition,” says Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Francisco and author of The Menopause Manifesto.

Lighten up. Being overweight can affect your sex drive physiologically and emotionally. Dissatisfaction with your looks “translates to low sexual self-esteem,” says Westchester County, New York, gynecologist Alyssa Dweck, chief medical officer with Bonafide Health and coauthor of The Complete A to Z for Your V.

Complete Article HERE!

How Do ‘Throuples’ Make It Work?

How do you overcome the emotional and practical hurdles that can complicate a three-person romantic relationship

By Mark Travers

Falling in love with two people at once is a genuine and profound experience for many. It’s not merely about divided affection; it’s about an expansive capability to care, connect and commit to more than one person. The decision to form a throuple can arise from various motivations, ranging from a shared bond or common goals to mutual attraction or simply the evolution of a friendship into something more.

Despite society becoming increasingly open-minded, non-traditional relationships like throuples (romantic relationships between three people) still face a set of unique challenges. It’s crucial to recognize that these relationships demand just as much dedication and work, if not more. Setting ground rules becomes paramount. Without clear guidelines and continuous dialogue, misunderstandings can spiral into larger conflicts.

Here are two conversations that can help throuples smooth out the kinks in what can be a potentially unstable dynamic.

1. The “Are We Ready To Do This” Conversation

When considering a throuple relationship, it’s essential to discuss and understand each partner’s background, experiences and motivations. Recognizing and embracing diversity early on can set the stage for open communication and mutual respect.

A 2019 study published in The Journal of Sex Research contrasted polyamorous relationships with monogamous ones in terms of demographics and life choices. It found that polyamorous individuals, including those who favor being in a throuple, often identified with minority sexual orientations. Moreover, they demonstrated tendencies towards civil unions and had experienced higher rates of divorce. Additionally, their annual incomes often fell below $40,000 compared to those in monogamous relationships.

These findings are more than just numbers—they hint at experiences, challenges and perspectives that individuals in throuples might bring into the relationship. While the age range was similar between both groups, life experiences and choices diverged significantly. Such insights can serve as valuable talking points for potential throuples. By acknowledging and discussing these differences from the outset, throuples can lay a solid foundation for their relationship, tolerant of diversity and emotional and experiential complexity.

Here are some ideas to ponder before considering taking the three-person relationship plunge:

  • Self-awareness. How well do you know your own boundaries, needs and triggers? Are you open to understanding and adapting to the needs and boundaries of two other individuals?
  • Past relationship dynamics. Given the higher rates of divorce and civil unions among polyamorous individuals, it’s worth discussing past relationships. What did you learn from them, and how can those lessons inform the dynamics of the throuple?
  • Financial compatibility. How do you envision sharing financial responsibilities? Will the financial contribution be even, or based on individual contribution?
  • Cultural and societal concerns. Given the non-traditional nature of throuples, are you prepared to face potential societal biases or prejudices? How will you handle questions or critiques from family, friends and strangers?
  • Having these conversations up front can provide clarity and help in setting the relationship on a firm foundation. Each question is designed to unravel complexities, address potential challenges and ensure that every individual in the throuple feels seen, heard and valued.

    2. The Regular “Check-In”

    Given that there are three individuals involved, each with their unique emotions, needs and expectations, ensuring a balance where everyone feels valued can be a delicate act. All three individuals will evolve as the relationship progresses, and their needs might shift. Regular check-ins provide a platform to address feelings or concerns that might arise, ensuring they don’t fester or escalate into bigger issues. Topics for regular check-ins might include:

    • Emotional well-being. Are the emotional needs or concerns of each partner addressed?
    • Time management. How are all three partners ensuring that they get quality time both individually and collectively? Are any adjustments needed?
    • Boundaries. Are the established boundaries still working? Do they need revisiting or adjusting based on the relationship’s progression?
    • Future planning. Throuples need to consider their future—living arrangements, financial plans or even family planning if that’s on the table.

    These conversations can help throuples identify issues that may not be obvious in everyday life. For instance, a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that 21% to 33% of individuals who had previously engaged in polyamory grappled with personal possessiveness and challenges in managing the associated emotions.

    While prior research suggests that jealousy is a more common problem in monogamous relationships, not polyamorous ones, the unique structure of a throuple might naturally present more varied situations that can trigger jealousy compared to a monogamous relationship. However, it’s essential to understand that jealousy isn’t exclusive to one type of relationship. The key, for such relationships, lies in recognizing potential jealousy triggers, maintaining open communication and setting clear boundaries, which can be made possible by frequent check-ins.

    Conclusion

    When it comes to making a throuple work, the foundation lies in trust, understanding and respect. While open conversations about your expectations and goals are important in any relationship, conversations about the whats, whys and hows become especially important in non-traditional arrangements. Although every throuple is unique, each will evolve over time. Recognizing that change is constant and being willing to navigate it together is crucial.

    Complete Article HERE!

I’m falling in love with my hook-up buddy and have no idea what to do about it

— And have no idea what to do about it

By George Tzintis

    • I met a guy on Grindr, and we started hooking up regularly.
    • The intimacy of both our sex and our conversations afterward may be making me fall for him.
    • I also wonder whether I’m just projecting my desire for a relationship onto him.

A “relationship” in the queer world has always felt ambiguous to me.

For queer people like me, love and relationships can be confusing. That’s probably why I’ve never had a boyfriend even though I’m 31.

But now that I have a stable job with a stable income and a pretty close-knit group of friends, I feel ready for a relationship — whatever that means. It’s just unfortunate that I’m falling for my hook-up buddy.

One day, I found myself staring at a headless torso on one of the apps and messaged him

I was on Grindr, and I saw a beautiful guy with a six-pack. His profile said he was in an open relationship and looking for “buddies, preferably hung.”

The first time we met was at a park in broad daylight behind some bushes. It wasn’t what I expected, but it definitely set the tone for what was to come — unexpected with a side of kinky.

When I first saw him, I didn’t recognize him from the photos he had sent me. But as he started to approach me while I sat on a park bench, he was surprisingly more attractive in real life.

I knew I was done for the moment he started to talk. The way he held himself sent shivers up my spine.

He’s cute, he’s sweet — OK, scratch that. He’s hot, he’s unbelievably hot. He has a side of dominance that could melt your jockstrap and make your eyes roll to the back of your head.

We usually play in the backseat of his car. I know, how juvenile. But it’s kind of kinky and rebellious, which surprisingly turns me on more than I thought it would.

Once was fun; twice was heaven. Now every time we play, I feel as if I’m being transported to another dimension that could save me, kill me, or ruin my soul.

I’m starting to develop feelings for him

If I had to calculate and give you a rough estimate for the number of times he and I have had sex, we’re looking at about 15 to 20 times. So, if we’re trying to quantify this relationship and add some math to this already complex equation, that’s a lot of hours spent together, kissing, cuddling, and being intimate with each other.

When we play, I feel as if there’s something more going on than what’s happening in front of us. We lock eyes the entire time, every kiss is met with a moan, and every touch is met with a quiver.

We always talk after, which surprises me because I’m usually the one who’s opting to put my pants back on and get out of a guy’s apartment as quickly as possible. But with him, it’s different. He listens, truly listens — even when I go on a tangent about nothing.

I’ve never really had a guy who listened before.

Yes, he’s in an open relationship, and they’re both allowed to go off and do whatever they want with whomever they want. But he has to keep it to sex; he’s not allowed to date other people.

He even told me that when he first started dating his partner, they had issues because his partner wanted to be monogamous and he didn’t. He said he knew himself and would cheat on his partner if their relationship were closed. Being open for fun would allow him to “scratch my itch.”

I wonder whether I’m latching onto him just because I want a relationship now

I must admit, the whole “scratch my itch” was exceedingly off-putting. I’m surprisingly a really big fan of monogamy, but I keep looking past it in hopes that we might be something more. The thought of having someone who looks at me — and only me — is profoundly endearing. I want that. I yearn for that.

Maybe I’m just projecting that want onto my hook-up buddy. Maybe I’m just fooling myself and am falling for the idea of him. Honestly, I’m just at a loss for what to do.

If Mr. Itch isn’t going to be the one to scratch “my itch,” then do I give him the flick in the hopes of finding something that’s truly right for me?

I’m not sure, but, for now, I’m going to continue to enjoy the benefits part of our relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

Curiously, Mammals Keep Evolving Same-Sex Sexual Behavior

A pair of Japanese snow monkeys

By Clare Watson

Sexual behavior between members of the same sex might have evolved multiple times in mammals, according to a new study, adding to numerous examples found across the tree of life.

More than 1,500 species have been known to engage in same-sex sexual behaviors, including bats, beetles, sea stars, snakes, penguins, cows, fish, and worms.

Among mammals, primates are particularly notable, with sexual activity within sexes observed in at least 51 species, from lemurs to apes to, of course, humans.

Once viewed as peculiar outliers, mounting data shows that same-sex behaviors that include courting, mounting, cooing, or copulating are widespread in animals, both male and female, wild or captive.

It’s this data, specifically what’s been published on mammals, that University of Granada ecologist José Gómez and colleagues compiled to test several theories scientists have recently proposed to explain how same-sex behaviors evolved.

“Since it does not contribute directly to reproduction, same-sex sexual behavior is considered an evolutionary conundrum,” Gómez and colleagues write in their published paper. If it doesn’t result in any offspring, why else might it be advantageous?

Most studies have only looked at individual species, though. So Gómez and colleagues used a phylogenetic approach to compare the emergence and prevalence of same-sex sexual behavior among mammals.

If same-sex behaviors evolved to help maintain social relationships, facilitating reconciliation after conflict like what has been observed in female bonobos, or strengthening alliances as seen in male bottlenose dolphins, then those behaviors should be more frequent in social mammal species, Gómez and colleagues reasoned.

Indeed, their analysis (which adjusted for how often a particular species had been the focus of research) found that same-sex behaviors were more prevalent in highly social mammals.

The researchers also found same-sex behaviors to be more common in species that exhibit aggressive and sometimes lethal behaviors. This supports the idea that same-sex interactions may communicate or reinforce social hierarchies, helping to mitigate the risks of violent conflict.

Tracing same-sex behaviors along ancestral lines, Gómez and colleagues’ analysis suggested that same-sex behavior has been “gained and lost multiple times during mammalian evolution”, though it appears to be a recent phenomenon in most mammalian lineages.

Same-sex behaviors aren’t randomly scattered across mammals either; they are more common in some clades and rare in others.

“We fully recognize that these results may change in the future if same-sex sexual behavior is studied more intensively and comes to be detected in many more species,” Gómez and colleagues write.

Before this latest study, researchers had taken issue with similar efforts to explain how same-sex behavior evolved. By presenting same-sex sexual behavior as an ‘evolutionary conundrum’, they say it implies that different-sex sexual behavior is the baseline condition from which same-sex behavior arose.

Rather, in 2019, Ambika Kamath and colleagues suggested a different starting point, one of indiscriminate sexual behavior where ancestral animals mated with individuals of all sexes, perhaps before they evolved recognizable sex-specific traits now used to attract mates.

While Gómez and colleagues’ analysis counters that view for mammals, in that same-sex behaviors don’t appear to be a shared ancestral trait in this group, both groups of researchers caution against transposing theories of animal sexual behavior onto humans, and vice versa.

Same-sex behavior here includes even brief interactions observed between animals, which says nothing of human preferences.

And though we may be related to other mammals, viewing animal behavior through the lens of our own societal norms has long precluded scientists from appreciating the diversity of animal sex.

Complete Article HERE!

Men And Women Have Breakup Sex For Two Reasons

— Here They Are

By Mark Travers

After a breakup, there is often a lingering sense of unfinished business and questions left unanswered. For many, physical intimacy with an ex-partner can provide a sense of finality and resolution—a way to say goodbye to the relationship on their own terms or to reaffirm the emotional bond that once existed.

Research in 2020 found that, regardless of gender, individuals may turn to breakup sex to maintain or rekindle their relationship, or to seek emotional closure.

However, the researchers also suggested that breakup sex might disproportionately benefit men more than women. Male participants in the study reported feeling better about themselves after breakup sex, whereas women reported feeling better about the terminated relationship, but worse about themselves.

A new study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences offers a closer examination of the differences in why men and women engage in breakup sex.

The researchers discovered two underlying motivations for post-breakup intimacy: a fear of being single and a pattern of “sociosexuality.” These motivations are unpacked below.

1. A Fear Of Being Single

The researchers found that women who reported a heightened fear of being single expressed a greater desire for breakup sex. This was not a motivator for men in the study.

The fear of being alone or harboring concerns about one’s ability to find a new partner could lead to engaging in breakup sex as a way to avoid or mitigate these fears. The comfort of physical intimacy with a familiar ex-partner can provide a temporary sense of security.

Further, research shows that a fear of being single leads to settling for less in romantic relationships and makes individuals more likely to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. This fear also leads people to choose partners that are less emotionally responsive than they desire.

Therefore, in the face of alternatives that seem unfulfilling or unappealing, one might discover a newfound appreciation for what they had with their ex-partner—temporarily ignoring the reasons behind their split. This longing for ex-partners can prompt the pursuit of breakup sex.

2. A Pattern Of Sociosexuality

Sociosexuality, which refers to desire to engage in casual sexual encounters, emerged as another driving force for both men and women to engage in breakup sex. Individuals with a more relaxed attitude toward sex were more inclined to engage in post-breakup sexual encounters, seemingly driven by their heightened desire for sexual experiences. Such individuals were also more likely to have had breakup sex in the past.

The researchers found that men, more than women, engage in breakup sex for hedonistic pleasure and excitement. This desire aligns with the concept of “fiery limbo,” a relationship stage in which ex-partners continue to experience sexual attraction to one another, while grappling with the knowledge that they are no longer together. Their desire is possibly intensified by the uncertainty surrounding their relationship status.

The researchers suggest that women may have a lower motivation to engage in breakup sex for reasons of pleasure due to the possibility of becoming pregnant with a non-supportive partner. Further, heterosexual women might not be as interested in breakup sex for pleasure due to the “orgasm gap,” which refers to the lower likelihood of them reaching orgasm as compared to their male counterparts during a sexual encounter.

Conclusion

Breakup sex is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon driven by a combination of emotional, psychological and individual factors. For women, both sociosexuality and a fear of being single lead to a greater desire for breakup sex, whereas for men, sociosexuality and hedonistic pleasure play a greater role. The consequences of post-breakup intimacy can vary and there is no one-size-fits-all solution to dealing with the emotions that follow a breakup. The best we can do is thoughtfully evaluate how breakup sex impacts us and choose what benefits our mental health in the long run.

Complete Article HERE!

What Really Happens at a Sex Party?

— 8 Women Share Their True Stories

“Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries. It’s not free for all.”

By

Sex parties are exactly just that. They are parties, like any social gathering, except the people attending can (oftentimes) have sex. At some point in our lives, most of us have attempted to make out — or even get downright dirty — in the bathroom of a public venue, be it a nightclub, bar, or even an old-fashioned house party. (Plus, let’s be honest, many such locations are not safe places for women or queer folks.) Dancing and flirting are great, but if you’re looking to do more, know this: There are countless curated spaces that don’t just permit but encourage such mingling.

However, sex parties are not a monolith; they differ immensely from place to place, so I want you to forget what you’ve seen in the movies. While all such parties encourage sexual activity to some degree, it’s essential to have a clear understanding of what the party will entail — and to ensure that your own intentions, interests, and expectations align — prior to engaging in any activities (or even RSVPing). There are many differences between, say, a swingers orgy hosted at a person’s house versus a play party in a full-time dungeon, and both are quite unlike a warehouse party with beds in the back. My point: While your experience may vary for a number of reasons, the venue itself plays a big role.

Some parties encourage full-on orgies. Some are play parties that focus more on kink and not so much on penetration or heavy sexual activity. But all these events prioritize sex positivity, particularly play parties, also known as kink/BDSM parties.

“Play parties are often diverse and offer a protected outlet to explore diverse desires, specifically in groups beyond couple exchange,” explains Venus Cuffs, a nightlife entrepreneur and play party producer. “Swingers parties are typically, but not always, for couples in the swinger Lifestyle — with a capital L — meaning they like to play as a couple, often to varying degrees. But [they] will arrive and leave the party together and partake in couple-on-couple swaps.”

Cuffs says that people outside the BDSM community are often surprised to learn that most fetish or kink parties actually limit penetration, oral play, and, in some cases, even heavy petting.

What are some tips for a first-time sex party attendee?

It can feel daunting to go to a party where any type of sexual activity is encouraged. To ensure that you have a good time, below are three hot tip recommendations, straight from Venus Cuffs herself.

  1. Trust the source. Research the promote or group throwing and the party and make sure they prioritize consent and acceptance.
  2. Safety first. Make sure the people throwing the party have enforceable no-tolerance and policies and consent monitors.
  3. Communicate. Whether you’re going with a partner or alone, take time to mindfully think through desires, expectations and concerns. Check in with yourself often and prioritize your needs.

So, what are sex parties actually like?

Every experience is different, of course, so I spoke to eight women about their first time attending an event in one of these spaces. Curious to try out a sex party? Maybe you already RSVP’d and are now digging for details to figure out what you should expect. Either way, let their experiences give you a sneak preview on what it might involve.

Carly S. (26, New York City)

“When I was 18, I joined a swingers website. I started dating a couple who frequented swinger parties. My first experience was exciting because I went with [them], so we got a lot of attention because we were young, attractive, and all exhibitionists. It got me really into the sensual experience and meeting people who enjoyed it, as well.

“Now, I frequently attend parties, but instead of swinger parties, I tend to find more queer-oriented parties and kink-focused events. A typical event will have a space where people can chat (and not play) and get to know each other, as well as other various stations set up for different scenes to have fun. Consent and rules of engagement are typically involved in good spaces.

“Find a play partner who you can bring to explore with. It’s a lot easier when you have a friend to lean on for support. Also, nonsexual munches can be a great place to start and get to know people. Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries. It’s not free for all. If something or someone makes you uncomfortable, let someone know. “

Birdie* (23)

“I had previously attended a few fetish parties in Scotland called Torture Gardens. However, my first sex party was in November 2022.

“There was a lot of latex, leather, and lace involved. At around 9 p.m., we proceeded to the dungeon which was across the street from my friend’s home. The dungeon was divided into three parts: one had a couch, a wall of dildos, a standing cage, hoists, a spanking bench, and a big bed-like table. The second area featured a [penetrative machine] and a St. Andrew’s Cross, along with a bench and multiple impact play toys, ranging from riding crops to floggers made with rubber spikes. The third room was for those who wanted to indulge in [medical fetishism]. That room was stocked with equipment needed for sounding, milking, pumping, nitrous gas, speculums, and a [gynecologist] chair with provisions to have multiple restraints.

“It was definitely one of the more enlightening experiences of my life. The amount of aftercare each of us offered [one another] was extraordinary. Snuggles being shared across the rooms, people laughing, people moaning, people crying. Oh yes — crying. I cried. I cried a lot.”

Gray* (42)

“I discovered the swinging lifestyle after separating from my first husband in 2016. I met someone on Tinder who introduced me to sex clubs, parties, and the lifestyle. My first party was at a sex club in New York City called Checkmate.

“It was a regular-looking apartment building. We took the elevator downstairs, paid the fee, and were welcomed into a bar area. Once ready to play, we went to a locker area where we could take our clothes off and get ‘comfortable.’ We made it to the play areas: a group play room, a semi-private playroom, and the private play rooms. We observed and decided to start the party by playing together. Soon after, we were invited by other couples to join them and engaged in swapping situations. It was hot, a positive experience for sure. The rest is history.”

Christine Marie (44, New York City)

“My first experience was a prepandemic party in a private loft. This was a performance-based event where the performers sometimes engaged in sex on stage. I saw Vonka and Lydia of the Bluenettes perform a milk-soaked kitten-[themed] act, which was the wildest, hottest thing I had ever seen in porn or real life. I was in the front row, just a couple of feet from two beautiful writhing bodies engaged in sapphic love and pleasure.

“Since then, I’ve been to several different kinds of parties. There are no typical parties, as they all differ depending on who is throwing them. I only frequent parties [organized] by those who prioritize the safety of everyone involved, [which means] having clear consent standards, agreements, and boundaries and [hiring] guardians for attendees to reach out to as a way to reduce harm. Those are the parties that I often recommend.”

Annie* (early 30s)

“First, to clarify, I am not a member of the swing lifestyle. I am a member of the kink community and a BDSM practitioner. I have never had group sex, nor do I attend swing parties or share partners. I go to BDSM and kink-friendly parties, many of which are sex-positive. I am monogamous when dating and, although I engage in play at parties, it is not always inherently sexual.

“The first event I went to was a BDSM party for 18- to 35-year-olds. There were strict rules: no nudity and no penetrative play. I was really nervous, and my friend left me early on to go play with a friend of theirs, so I mostly spent the night talking to people and getting to know how a party works. There were dungeon monitors to make sure the scenes and people were safe, [as well as] toys you could borrow, a spanking bench, St. Andrew’s cross, several hard points for suspension, and a massage table. I ended up meeting a guy who had never been to a party either and we fooled around a bit in a kind of vanilla way. “

“My first time was at the Hacienda in Brooklyn. Hacienda is a house, so it’s a very social space —- at least, that has been my experience since I go to smaller parties where there is food prepared by a chef, an outdoor space where people talk, and play areas.

“Even though I knew the etiquette and theory — Playing Well With Others was a big help — I was a bit nervous. People told me I was a natural, but I think that’s just because I was very mindful, communicative, and open to new experiences. I had sex with three people separately, [each] on a one-on-one basis and not as a group, and met a ton of sex-positive individuals. It felt like I finally found my people.

“Everyone is nice to each other, everyone takes consent very seriously. I feel extremely safe there. There’s people that don’t play with anyone and just socialize and there’s others having seven-person orgies. You’ll find whatever you want there.”

Sass (29, Canada)

“My first experience was very positive. I went with someone who was very experienced in the kink and swinging community. It was a bit of a shock to see people engaging in various sexual acts all in the open — not in a negative way, [I simply hadn’t] been in that environment before.

“[The party featured] good music, lots of sexy people, and really hot scenes — so hot that I stepped out of my comfort zone to openly masturbate in a less-crowded area, [where a woman then] asked to join me. She also asked me if her husband could watch. I was surprisingly okay with it, considering I’m not really into men.”

Maya,* 28

“I’ve never been to a sex party, but I have been to a number of sex clubs. The first one I ever went to was KitKat in Berlin. I honestly wasn’t shocked by anything happening around me, it was a pretty free and accepting environment. All clubs work differently, but usually they will take your phone or give you a locker [for it] and potentially a place to get towels and things for safe sex. People can be having sex all around you and generally will only engage if you give clear consent.

“I’ve been to a few other clubs of this nature around the world and they have similar vibes. Some are more exclusive than others, some are more queer-focused, but the ethos around it [all] is positivity and enjoyment.”

*Interviews have been edited for length and clarity. Some names have been changed at the request of sources.

Complete Article HERE!

How to peg for beginners

— Go slow and use lots of lube.

Pegging is typically referred to a cis woman penetrating a cis man with a strap-on dildo.

By Anna Iovine

So, you’ve heard about “pegging” and want to try it for yourself. Pegging is usually referred to a cis woman penetrating a cis man with a strap-on dildo. You’ve come to the right place; here’s how to have strap-on sex as a straight couple.

If you’re curious about pegging, you’re not alone. Pegging was named the 2023 fetish of the year by porn site Clips4Sale. In 2022, unsubstantiated rumors about a certain member of the royal family — who’s been dubbed “Prince of Pegging” — circulated online, prompting searches for “pegging” to rise by 400 percent.

A note on the term ‘pegging’

Some people may find the term “pegging” offensive. It was coined back in 2001 by sex educator Dan Savage. He asked readers to vote on what term should describe the act; other choices were “bobbing” and “punting.”

As Quinn Rhodes wrote for Refinery29, calling it “pegging” instead of what it is — anal sex with a strap-on — may reinforce the idea that it’s taboo or somehow “wrong.” It could be used by cishet men trying to distance themselves from sex queer people have because of their fear of being perceived as queer or emasculine. In our society, we’re taught that sex is a man penetrating a woman, and that he has more power/control. The penetrated partner, then, is deemed as weak or submissive.

Sex is much more than P-in-V, and doesn’t have to adhere to these stereotypical power dynamics. Sex and desires also don’t determine one’s sexual orientation.

Pegging “doesn’t magically change your sexuality,” said nightlife entrepreneur and former professional dominatrix Venus Cuffs. “The goal is to have fun with each other and safety, preparation, and communication allow you to focus on pleasure and enjoying yourselves together.”

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being queer or submissive, but these ingrained beliefs can take time to unlearn. Before having strap-on anal sex, reflect on and explore your relationship to power and penetration, advised Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, licensed MFT and sex therapist and host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast.

Why peg?

Anal sex can feel great, explained Heidegger. There are lots of nerve-endings in one’s anus, especially if you have a prostate.

Couples interested in pegging may want to expand other creative ways to experience pleasure, she continued, or struggle to feel pleasure on other body parts. Also, if one partner doesn’t want to be or can’t be penetrated, pegging can be another way to connect.

Preparing to peg

Anal sex is different from vaginal sex. While lubricant is a good idea for the latter, it’s absolutely essential for the former. The anus doesn’t naturally lubricate itself like the vagina does, and it’s also not used to anything being inserted in it (quite the opposite!). Therefore, you need to prepare yourself for anal sex. Head over to Mashable’s guide for a full breakdown of how to do so, but here’s some tips from Heidegger and Cuffs.

Talk about your boundaries, said Heidegger. Mashable has a guide to setting sexual boundaries to help out with that, too. You can watch some classes, as well; Heidegger recommends how-to videos at B Vibe and sex educator Luna Matatas’s classes.

Start small. “When you’re preparing for your first anal insertion, start your preparations with smaller butt plugs, beads, and dildos before you try to go for the desired size of your insertable,” said Cuffs. You or your partner’s fingers can also serve as preparation for something bigger, or even thrusting/grinding can get you used to the feeling of something there.

Think about what sensations you’re after when shopping for a dildo. “Some people, for example, love curved insertables and others do not,” Cuffs said. “There’s also a variety of thickness and length to consider.”

If you’re using toys, make sure they either have a large flared base or hold it if it’s not attached to your partner’s harness. “Things can absolutely get sucked into your ass and get stuck. Full stop,” Cuffs warned. “To avoid ending up in the hospital with doctors removing items from your butt, please only use items that have a base or be prepared to hold it the entire time it is inserted.”

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Pegging 101

Go slow and take your time to experiment and see what you like. Don’t try to shove a dildo in there right away — build up to it with fingers and smaller toys. You may not peg your first-ever session; that’s okay.

Decide if you want to clean out the anus (more about that in our guide to preparing for anal sex) or make dietary changes to help with your digestion (@bottomsdigest is a fun TikTok account that discusses this). Be sure to thoroughly clean any toys (and hands) before and after use.

“And of course, use lube!” Cuffs said. “Loads of lube!” It’s a good idea to have other emergency supplies at the ready, too, like wipes and gloves. Heidegger recommends getting a sex blanket as well.

As always, communication is important. Have a safe word, Heidegger said, and make sure you have a way to check-in during sex. Ask each other: what will I see and hear if you are enjoying yourself? What will I see and hear if you’re not?

“Accept that shit can happen!” Heidegger said. We’re only human after all, and we humans have bodily functions. Clean it up and move on.

Heidegger also recommends having an aftercare plan, both for if it goes well and if it brings up feelings. Trying something new in bed can do this, especially if you’re being penetrated for the first time.

With the right preparation, anal strap-on sex can be fun for both partners. Remember to take deep breaths and try to relax — that’ll help your anus relax, too.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is A Female-Led Relationship?

— Here’s What To Know, According To Experts

 

By Krati Mehra

In traditional societal constructs, men have conventionally been assigned roles that place them in dominant, decision-making positions, while women have often been cast in complementary roles characterized by their nurturing and supportive qualities.

The old structures may offer the comfort of familiarity, but these outdated ideals limit individuals from expressing aspects of their personalities and needs that deviate from conventional norms. Such restrictions can negatively impact a person’s mental health and the health of a relationship. They also create power imbalances skewed in favor of men and to the disadvantage of women. 

However, as society evolves, people are challenging such standards. They’re re-evaluating and redefining roles, responsibilities, and boundaries in a relationship. One such example of this transformation is the emergence and acceptance of female-led relationships (FLR).

Originating as a subset of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism), the term “female-led relationship” has broadened significantly, branching off from exclusively referring to kink or BDSM.

In a female-led relationship (FLR), a woman is the dominating partner and makes most, if not all, of the decisions in the relationship, while the man has a more submissive position. The degree to which this plays out can vary greatly.

FLRs, flipping the script on traditional relationships, seek to create either a more equitable partnership, or one that puts the power in the hands of the female partner. This new relationship paradigm is rooted in mutual consent and can create greater sexual satisfaction and deeper emotional intimacy. 

“Within an FLR, the woman typically leads decision-making, sets boundaries, and establishes the overall direction of the relationship,” certified sex therapist, Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., tells mindbodygreen, adding, “This may extend to various aspects of life, such as finances, household responsibilities, and even intimate aspects, depending on the specific preferences and agreements of the individuals involved.”

Non-kink specific signs of an FLR:

  1. From choosing holiday destinations to family planning, the woman is the primary decision maker; the man has a more supportive role.
  2. The woman manages the finances, sets the budget, and may even be the primary earner; The male partner may or may not hold a job, but the female partner will maintain financial control.
  3. The female partner sets the boundaries in the relationship, covering anything from social engagements to personal space. 
  4. The male partner seeks approval from the female partner before attending events or forming new friendships.
  5. Domestic chores are the man’s responsibility, while the woman may or may not lend a helping hand.
  6. The female partner may also control the male partner’s habits and daily routine. She decides whether he is allowed to smoke, consume alcohol, or use social media.
  7. The female partner takes the lead in navigating and resolving conflicts.
  8. The woman’s opinions, feelings, and ideas are given priority.

Female-led relationships in the kink community

Power play, with one partner assuming a dominant role and the other a submissive one, is a popular theme in kink play and BDSM; FLR is one aspect of it.

An FLR becomes part of a kink when the woman’s control extends to the bedroom. The couple indulges in BDSM and/or other sexual fantasies with the power and authority in the woman’s hands. FLR can add excitement and a certain emotional richness to a couple’s sex life. However, “Consent, communication, and respect for one another should always come first when incorporating FLR dynamics into a kink environment,” Moore cautions.

In a kink-specific FLR, a couple seeks to express their desire for dominance or submission through different sexual practices. 

Signs of a kink-specific female-led relationship

  1. There are clear dominant/submissive roles with the woman, of course, in the dominant role, and as part of the play, referred to as “Domme” or “Mistress.”
  2. The female partner decides the when, how, where, and frequency of sexual encounters, and they are more focused on the woman’s preferences, desires, and satisfaction.
  3. The sexual activities and rituals may include the usage of BDSM tools like restraints, paddles, whips, etc., and techniques like bondage, discipline, sadomasochism, etc.
  4. The submissive can use a mutually agreed upon safe word or signal to communicate discomfort or distress to the dominant partner.
  5. The male partner follows set rules and rituals, with the dominant partner administering rewards for compliance and punishments in case of disobedience.
  6. Partners may also engage in role-play and fantasy exploration.
  7. The power play may continue in public, with the man continuing to stay submissive to the authority of the female partner.
  8. The submissive may also have to follow specific dress requirements outlined by the female partner.
  9. The couple may outline the relationship’s boundaries, expectations, rules, and rituals in a written agreement.

These signs are reflective of a kink-specific FLR, but as forceful and extreme as a BDSM-oriented relationship may seem, every FLR and, in fact, most BDSM-based relationships, prioritize the very unique needs and desires of the individuals involved. The couple can adjust the form and extent of power play to ensure both male and female partners feel comfortable and fulfilled.

Types of female led relationships

1. Low control female-led relationship

A low control female-led relationship is a foundational type of FLR, aiming for equality. Consciously or not, as gender roles change and women seek equal rights alongside men, many heterosexual couples find themselves practicing aspects of a low-control FLR at various times and in a variety of ways.

In a low control FLR, women enjoy limited authority. “The power dynamic is relatively balanced, with both partners actively participating in decision-making and taking the lead in different aspects of the relationship,” says Moore, adding, “The woman may lead in some areas, while the man takes the lead in others, creating a more equal partnership.”

The woman earns and contributes either as much or more than the man. They jointly care for the children and other household work. While the woman has certain advantages over the man, they make most decisions together.

2. Moderate control female-led relationship

In a moderate FLR, the female partner has a more pronounced leadership role. While there is a limit to how far she can go, the woman makes most day-to-day decisions. She controls the finances, assigns domestic chores to the male partner, and even makes decisions that impact the man’s life.

The power exchange may continue into the bedroom, with the couple practicing kink and the woman controlling the play. Moderate control FLR also has limitations. In some areas of their life together, the male partner has equal authority. A couple may adjust their respective power roles as they wish or as their circumstances demand.

3. Defined control female-led relationship

With mutual consent, in a defined control FLR, the power exchange is weighed further in the favor of the female partner. From daily decisions to major life choices, the woman holds authority in virtually every area of the relationship as well as the life of the couple. The male partner has more of a supportive role.

As the name suggests, in this type of FLR, the roles and responsibilities in and out of the bedroom are fixed. There are definite boundaries in the relationship, clearly understood by both partners.

4. Extreme control female-led relationship 

This is the most intense form of a female-led relationship, where the female partner exercises complete control over every facet of the relationship. The male partner is submissive in all areas of life, including the sexual interplay.

According to marriage and family therapist Lauren Cook-Mckay MFT, such an FLR represents a complete role reversal. “The woman becomes the primary breadwinner, while the husband assumes the responsibilities of a homemaker. Although relatively rare, it’s interesting to note that this setup can sometimes endure longer,” she adds.

An extreme control FLR is a massive commitment and more of a lifestyle choice where partners stay in their designated roles throughout their daily lives. Of course, the partners can also switch out of their parts when necessary and create power shifts within the relationship to best suit the changing circumstances in their lives.

It is highly likely that in an extreme FLR, the couple practices BDSM. In such a play, the woman, as the dominant partner, controls the sexual pleasure of her male partner.

Like most relationships, FLRs are highly adaptable. Due to the nature of the relationship, and especially in a kink-specific scenario, the key is to ensure that both partners communicate openly and frequently. The power play should evolve with both partners’ shifting needs, preferences, and desires.

Why women seek female-led relationships

Except for what we may observe in a matriarchal society, an FLR is a sharp departure from the traditional relationship structures. To practice a power dynamic that defies social conventions, an FLR has to be a conscious and deliberate choice for both male and female partners.

“Some people are predisposed to power dynamics and thrive in situations that suit their dominant or submissive tendencies,” Moore tells mindbodygreen.

For women who have previously experienced repression, an FLR can be liberating and psychologically healing. The power to make their own decision—and that of their male partner—can be a strong lure for women who desire independence and leadership roles in their interpersonal relationships. 

“In FLRs, women often hold leadership positions, make important decisions, and set the tone for the relationship. This can be liberating for those who value autonomy and want to assert themselves in their personal lives,” Moore says.

The clarity around each partner’s rights and responsibilities offered by an FLR can also help avoid conflicts and reach a resolution with minimal fuss in case of a disagreement.

Leading may also appeal to a woman’s instinct to nurture and protect. They may enjoy guiding their partner and safeguarding their interests. As Moore explains, “Some women take comfort in knowing their partner is willing to relinquish power and prioritize their needs and desires, which can build a strong foundation of trust and communication and foster a deeper emotional connection.”

Moreover, a man willing to follow a woman’s lead and bend to their instruction can allow the woman to arrange the relationship satisfactorily and create the ideal partnership for providing deep emotional support.

Women who love sexual dominance may appreciate the sexual dynamics of an FLR as well. If the partners are compatible and can establish an understanding, FLR can provide a safe environment to explore sexual fantasies and BDSM.

Why men seek female-led relationships

A man can find it very relaxing to have the female partner make the decisions in a relationship. This dynamic allows him to shed traditional masculine expectations. They can let someone else shoulder the responsibilities without guilt or shame, and can also be more vulnerable in their interactions.

“For some men, having a female-led relationship can bring a sense of security and comfort,” Moore says, adding, “This can help relieve the pressures associated with traditional gender roles and expectations, giving men the opportunity to explore a different way of relating to their partner and breaking free from societal norms.”

Some men are also naturally submissive, so an FLR can feel more natural to them. They can find contentment and fulfillment in surrendering control, whether in everyday decisions or more intimate settings. “They take pleasure in being in a submissive role and prioritize their partner’s happiness and success over traditional ideas of dominance,” Moore explains.

Just as women can explore their love for sexual dominance, men can express their sexual submissiveness when integrating BDSM into their relationships. For some men, taboo BDSM activities, like humiliation or spanking, offer a clandestine thrill. It is a secret way of challenging social judgments and can feel empowering.

Some men, having had strong female figures, may naturally gravitate towards FLRs. As Dr. Moore points out, “Men often pursue FLRs because they desire a relationship that is more emotionally fulfilling.” She believes that in a female-led relationship, men can experience a strong sense of trust and deeper emotional intimacy that can be very satisfying.

Additionally, FLRs can foster personal growth. There is no pressure to conform to outside expectations, so the male partner can freely explore his inner self.

Pros and cons of a female-led relationship

Female-led relationships have both advantages and potential drawbacks. The effectiveness of an FLR depends on the individuals involved, their compatibility, and the understanding they can establish with each other.

Pros of a female-led relationship

A healthy FLR can allow a couple to explore their love for kink in a safe environment and in a way that further strengthens their bond and creates deeper sexual satisfaction. The clear distinction of roles also brings efficiency to the decision-making within the relationship with less possibility of a conflict.

As relationship expert Tina Fey explains, “One of the biggest advantages of an FLR is the focus on clear and straightforward dialogue. The structure inherently promotes conversations about desires, boundaries, and future plans, enabling both partners to be on the same page.”

And as Moore adds, “Creating a clear structure for duties and responsibilities can eliminate ambiguity and prevent potential disputes.”

While FLRs empower women, they also reduce the pressure on men. Both partners venture into new territories that encourage personal growth while experimenting with new identities. The woman further strengthens her ability to lead, make decisions, assert herself, and stay confident in various situations.

Meanwhile, the man can enjoy a slower, more gentle pace in life; With someone else holding the reins, he can let go and focus on becoming self-aware.

A unique benefit of such power dynamics is that they are built on a lot of mutual support, trust, and surrender, turning the relationship into a sanctuary for both partners.

“When one person takes the reins, it often cultivates a deep sense of trust between partners. The dominant partner values the submissive partner’s surrender, while the submissive one values the dominant’s leadership,” Fey says.

Cons of a female-led relationship

Due to the nature of the relationship, there is always a possibility that the power imbalance will turn harmful and oppressive, with one partner feeling marginalized. According to Moore, extreme cases of FLRs can become abusive “if boundaries are not respected, consent is not obtained, or one partner exploits the power dynamic for harmful purposes.”

An FLR may also lead to codependency. The submissive partner can become overly needy and reliant on the dominant partner, which may hinder the submissive’s growth and create stress and resentment for the dominant partner. Continuously making decisions and guiding the male partner can become exhausting for the female partner.

“Given the structure, it’s easy for the submissive partner to become emotionally dependent on the dominant one for affirmation and decision-making, which can echo shades of codependency,” Fey explains.

Unless both partners can handle social disapproval and judgment, they may also feel pressured when friends, family, or community members demonstrate hostility to their relationship. “The secrecy and stigma surrounding FLRs can lead to feelings of isolation or lack of support from friends and family who may not understand or approve of the relationship dynamics,” Moore adds. 

Strict adherence to the FLR roles can be problematic when a certain degree of flexibility is needed. Such inflexibility might hinder the relationship’s collective growth and each individual’s personal development.

The takeaway

A female-led relationship offers a tantalizing glimpse into a world where not the age-old gender roles or outdated social norms but individuals’ personal preferences and desires hold sway when forging romantic relationships. FLRs can add new dimensions to our understanding of authority and intimacy.

With the power placed in the hands of the female partner, FLRs empower women to take a bolder, more dominant approach to the life they share with their partner. At the same time, men are allowed to be vulnerable and further develop their sensitivity and inclination for surrender.

Consider it a twist on the traditional or feminist statement; the satisfaction and emotional connection found within the bounds of an FLR can demonstrate the power of a relationship built on mutual respect, consent, and communication in a relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

Ways To Ask Your New Partner To Get Tested This Sexual Health Awareness Month

By Zayna Allen

Having new sexual partners can be fun and exciting, but it’s important to make responsible decisions. That includes having tough conversations. But luckily for you, September is Sexual Health Awareness Month! What better time to have an open and honest discussion about one of the most crucial aspects of any romantic relationship: sexual health.

Sexual health awareness empowers individuals to make informed decisions about their physical and emotional well-being. It also helps maintain trust and transparency in a relationship, whether long-term or just for the moment.

One of the most essential discussions with a new partner is getting tested for sexually transmitted infections. While this conversation may feel daunting, it’s necessary for any sexual dynamic to keep you and your partner safe. Here are some ways to have the conversation with ease.

Conversations About Getting Tested

Consider Timing

One of the most important aspects about initiating this type of conversation is choosing the best moment. Timing is everything. Avoid discussing this sensitive topic when you or your partner are stressed, tired, or in the middle of an argument. When introducing the conversation, make sure to make it as normal as possible. Begin by stressing that sexual health is a part of responsible adulting. Present the idea of getting tested as something you both do for each other’s peace of mind. Emphasize that it’s not about trust but rather about taking care of each other’s health.

Use “I”

As with any difficult conversation with a partner, using “I” statements is essential. This helps you avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I think it’s important for both of us to get tested” instead of “You should get tested.” Creating a safe space should be one of the top priorities.

Remain Patient and Supportive

Although you are doing your best to create a calm conversation, you should always brace yourself for their reaction. Your partner could be entirely on board, or they could take offense to the conversation and need some time to think. No matter what, you should remain patient and supportive regardless of their initial response.

Respect Your Partner

Respect your partner’s decision, whatever it may be. Whether they agree to get tested immediately or need more time, continue to communicate openly and empathetically about your relationship’s health and well-being. Stand firm on your stance that this is important to you.

Lead With Confidence

Asking your new partner to get tested doesn’t have to be awkward. Remember to embrace it with confidence and compassion, knowing it’s vital to nurturing the dynamic between you.

Complete Article HERE!

I love my partner but don’t feel like having sex with them.

— Is this normal?

Our desire for sex will change constantly throughout our lives.

It’s more common than you might think

By Georgia Grace

Maintaining sexual interest in long-term relationships can be challenging for many of us, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Sex at the start of a relationship is memorable. The long sex-filled nights, the impossibility of keeping hands off each other, the impulse and yearning to touch this new person. But as the intimacy of long-term love sets in, the fire can fizzle out.

It is predictably – and statistically – normal to go through periods where you’re not having sex as often as you’d like. Relationships are complex and ever-evolving, and so is our desire for sex.

It’s common for couples to face a situation where they find themselves in a predicament: they deeply love and care for one another but no longer feel the insatiable desire to tear each other’s clothes off. So is it normal that you’re not having sex? Can love and low sexual desire coexist harmoniously? Yes, it is, and yes it can. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

Understanding sexual desire

I frequently refer to the pioneering work of Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are who has changed the way we understand sexual desire. According to Nagoski, sexual desire is a multifaceted and dynamic phenomenon influenced by a wide range of factors, both internal and external. These factors interact in complex ways, making it essential to recognise that changes in sexual desire are a normal part of the human experience.

Nagoski emphasises that sexual desire is not a simple on-off switch but a complex interplay of various components, including sexual arousal, emotional connection, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and personal experiences. So we can’t just sit around and wait for our desire to reappear – we have to start with some self-inquiry.

Learning what turns you on and off

Nagoski introduces the Dual Control Model, which pretty much works to explain sexual desire as having two components: sexual excitation (what turns us on) and sexual inhibition (what turns us off). While sexual excitation can be triggered by factors like arousal and attraction, sexual inhibition is influenced by external stressors, emotional states, and relationship dynamics.

An increase in inhibition can lead to a decrease in sexual desire. To make sense of this, when you first start dating you’re engaging in exciting and thrilling activities like getting ready for a date or sending flirty messages throughout the day. Dating can feel uncertain, exciting and risky – we spend a lot of time thinking about the other person and waiting for the moment we will see or touch them next, which often energises our experiences.

And while there’s so much beauty in long-term relationships, when couples move into more mundane patterns of relating like paying bills together, cleaning the house, and arguing about whose turn it is to cook, it can no longer feel ‘thrilling’ to connect. Understanding your Dual Control Model can help you and your partner understand each other’s unique interplay between sexual excitation and inhibition, and look at ways to manage or remove some of the brakes and bring in more or the accelerators.

Context is everything

This one seems so simple, but it’s really surprising how few couples think to acknowledge it. Many think about desire like a magic trick – you love someone and all of a sudden it should appear – right? If only.

The context in which sexual desire arises is crucial – external factors like stress, fatigue, or relationship conflicts can contribute to the activation of sexual inhibition. So even if you love your partner deeply, you may experience a decrease in sexual desire due to the turn-offs at play.

Not to mention our physical context will come up a lot in session for my clients, a messy room, harsh lighting, or roommates, family members or kids close by can feel like a wet blanket for your desire. With this in mind – I encourage my clients to think about the ideal erotic equation for their sex life – what do they want and need more of in order to bring sex front of mind and make it feel like a priority again? To make sense of all this – we also need to understand different ways of experiencing desire.

Our desire for sex is often responsive

Desire exists on a spectrum, we all experience it differently. On the one end, we have a spontaneous desire – which essentially refers to a spontaneous urge for sex that seemingly comes out of nowhere. We see this a lot in porn, in movies and often experience it at the start of a relationship.

But on the other end of the spectrum is responsive desire, which challenges the notion that sexual desire should always be spontaneous. Responsive desire occurs when someone may not actively seek out sexual encounters but can become keen and excited when presented with the right context and stimuli.

When I teach my clients this it’s like they have a lightbulb moment. They’ve been waiting for desire to smack them in the face and wake them up, without recognising that they may need to actively create the context for themselves and their partner.

Where to from here

More Coverage

This is one of the most common sexual concerns. In sessions focused on desire, we will explore the reasons (there are often many), seek to understand different desire styles, understand different ways to create the context for desire, practice communication skills and ask for what they want.

If changes in sexual desire are causing distress or strain in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist or counsellor who specialises in sexual health or couples therapy.

Our desire for sex will change constantly throughout our lives – it’s human and to be expected. When we can move away from thinking about it as an on-and-off switch and rather understand it as a complex interplay of social, mental, physical, emotional and sexual factors, we can work together to make it a priority again.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Raise Sex Positive Kids

— And Why It’s So Important To

By

I will never forget the time I found my eight-year-old watching porn. I was in shock at first and had no idea how to handle it, but I swallowed my inhibitions and used the opportunity to open the lines of communication around sex, which went really well.
Unfortunately, many parents are not as likely to do the same. It’s just the world we live in. But that needs to change.

There are few topics as stigmatized as sex. By extension, the term “sex positive” is highly misunderstood. So what does sex positive mean? It is merely what it sounds like: having a positive attitude toward anything relating to sex. It’s a simple enough concept, yet most fail to grasp it. In fact, if you mention anything remotely sexual in a conversation, people will often laugh, get uncomfortable, feel awkward and usually make jokes. But it’s no laughing matter.

When there are teenagers going to jail for throwing babies in trash cans and dumpsters to avoid admitting to their parents they had sex and got pregnant, it’s not funny.

When there are young members of the LGBTQ+ community who would rather take their own lives than face another day of bullying, it’s not funny.

When there are children expelled, suspended, even arrested, for sharing explicit images of their “peers” on social media, it’s not funny.

When the young people in those images are cyberbullied and slut-shamed to the point of contemplating suicide, it is not funny.

We are living in a society where many still cling to yesterday’s toxic, close-minded ideals. The outdated school of thought behind everything from female anatomy to gender identity is simply not going away fast enough. So what do we do? It’s up to us as parents to break the cycle and teach our children how to think openly, be accepting, respectful and understanding of others, and to make the right decisions for themselves and their own sexual health.

I sat down with Melissa Pintor Carnagey, sexuality educator, licensed social worker and founder of Sex Positive Families, an organization that helps foster healthy attitudes toward sex in young people. Melissa believes that all children deserve holistic, comprehensive, and shame-free sexuality education so they can live informed, empowered, and safer lives. Her website is a wealth of knowledge for families, with information on a wide array of topics and tips on everything from puberty to pornography. She also hosts interactive virtual workshops for tweens, teens and their trusted adults.

I reached out to Melissa to learn how parents can begin to break the generational taboos and misconceptions around sexuality. She broke it all down for us with the points below.

Sex positivity is not sexualization.

Me: Can you define the term “sex positive”?

Melissa: There’s a misconception about what sex positivity even means or is, and some people can think that it just means being completely permissive about sex or not having limits or boundaries about sex, or that it’s about being very sexual or very erotic, partially because a lot of our media is about sexualizing and erotisizing bodies and sex.

Sex positivity really is about having an open, shame free, honest way of looking at bodies, sex, relationships, all these very human things, and taking away the taboo around it. Being sex positive doesn’t mean that you’re just having lots of sex and that that’s what defines your sex positivity. It’s not just about a person’s sex life. It’s really about making sense of your own choices and your own decisions and also respecting those of other people as well.

Start young. It’s not The Talk; it’s many talks.

Me: When should you have “the talk” with your kids?

Melissa: A lot of parents might think you need to discuss it all at once, but no. It’s definitely a series of conversations, a lot of teachable moments that happen over time. We are sending our kids messages about bodies, about identity, about relationships, about consent or lack of consent, gender identity literally from the time they’re born. So when we realize that we’re sending them these messages, we also understand that we’re creating the constructs of all of these things in our homes, in our families, and in our communities. It’s to our benefit to recognize the influence that we have and that it’s early. And then we can just get intentional about what we want to help foster with our children and that it really can be a collaboration.

Melissa: It’s so important that we normalize talking about periods, about where babies come from, and not just, staying in taboo and promoting fear around sex or seeing these things as inappropriate. Sex is how most of us get here. And kids at a young age often wonder, Where do babies come from? They see their teacher or family members that are pregnant and they have questions about that. That’s an opportunity to plant the seed that ultimately helps to foster comfortable talks about sex so that as they develop and their worldview starts to change and evolve.

But if you keep it silent, if you say, don’t ask that, that’s for adults, or you’re not supposed to talk about that, you’re not supposed to know about that, or if they can see you’re visibly uncomfortable, you shut down and you don’t open that back up to them. That’s a learned taboo. They learn, oh, I’m not allowed to talk about that. I don’t know why. But now I’m not going to ask and I’m not going to be curious. Then when you try later on, when you realize there’s a situation that comes up, and they’re like 13 or 14, and you’re trying to talk to them, they’re going to be uncomfortable because every other message that was sent, either direct or indirect, up to that point, told them that this is not okay to talk about. So they may find other unhealthy ways to learn about it.

It’s not just about sex. Early conversations should include bodily autonomy.

Me Where do you even start?

Melissa: So from the beginning parents can ask themselves, how can I be intentional or just aware of what messages I’m sending? What are my kids observing? And that it isn’t just something that’s hormones and puberty and teenage years – hopefully by then we’ve already sent them a whole lot of messages.

If we want to help foster openness around sex, then the talks might start early with consent, helping young people understand their own bodies, giving them accurate names for their body parts, especially the genitals. Help them understand safe and unsafe touch, and who is allowed to help them when they may still need help. Whether it’s going to the bathroom or bathing or changing their clothes, or at their medical appointments; these are some of those teachable moments. When they’re greeting others in the family or even in your own home, are those interactions forced, or are we inviting or asking? Are we giving options as opposed to saying go give your grandma a hug, even if they don’t want to. Bodily autonomy is a foundational aspect that ultimately will support their understanding of sex and healthy sexuality.

It’s important for parents to break the cycle instead of passing it on.

Me: How do parents overcome their own issues stemming from being raised in a non-sex positive world?

So many of us weren’t taught these things. They weren’t modeled to us. And so we may have been confused as we were experimenting with sex or relationships along our own journey. We may have actually had experiences that are abuse or trauma as opposed to sex, because sex should always involve consent. And that consent should be ongoing and clear. There are many of us that have had interactions that were not consensual, or that were coerced in different ways. And so a lot of that that is taking a look at our own understanding of these topics, how well do we know our own bodies, especially people that have vulvas, people that have vaginas and uteruses because our education system is so patriarchal and taboo and stigmatized when it comes to anything related to sexual health. There are so many of us that didn’t get the education that we needed and deserved to understand how our bodies actually work.

It’s never too late to start the conversation.

Me: What if your kids are already tweens or teens and you’ve never talked about sex with them or you weren’t as open to begin with?

Melissa: We’ve got to take the brave steps to be vulnerable and be honest and so that could sound like ‘I realized that I have not been as open as I could have been with you about bodies, about sex, about puberty, about relationships, whatever it is that you want to talk about and that’s on me. But it’s important that we learn about these things and that you know who you can turn to. So I want to change that. I would love for us to start having conversations or start you know, talking more openly about these things.’

And then that little piece opens up empathy. For many of us, it can just sound like, ‘when I was growing up, I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to about this. It wasn’t normal for us when I was your age, so then I didn’t know how to handle it as you’ve been growing up. But I’m learning. I’m learning a lot of things now and I want to make sure you have support. I want to do that differently for you. It might feel awkward, it might feel uncomfortable. That’s okay. This is something that we can work on together.’

And then you just kind of weave it into everyday moments. It isn’t about staring your kid face to face in a confrontational, high pressure kind of way. Maybe you make time to go on a walk together or you build something together or you go have an ice cream date together something that says, this is time for us. And then in the midst of that time, you naturally kind of move into something. And the more you have those one-on-one times, especially when you have more than one kid that’s really important because then they can feel special. The more that you have that you integrate that, the more you might notice that they bring up things about what’s going on in their worlds.

Self-exploration is encouraged for all genders.

Me: How do you approach the topic of masturbation with your kids, and how important is it?

One thing that I teach about when we talk about masturbation, and particularly when we talk about the clitoris, is that we need to help our kids understand and normalize what may feel good to them. This is so that they can know what does not – which ultimately helps keep them safer before they invite anyone else to play with their body. It’s important for them to understand for themselves, and that helps them establish their own boundaries, their own limits.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for so many of us. There are so many people with a clitoris as adults that are deep in their adulthood and still never have experienced orgasm. We can trace that back to a major lack of body literacy. There’s been no foundational understanding. But interestingly, people with penises don’t seem to have that same problem. Why do you think that is? It was 1998 when scientists discovered the full body of the clitoris. Wow, why did it take them so long to realize that this is a full body part and not just this little tip? So this is all a part of us changing this narrative on a broader level, and it starts with these conversations that we can have with our young people so that they know yes, that’s your clitoris, and yes it can feel good because it has thousands of nerve endings. Just like the penis has thousands of nerve endings. Those two body parts are homologous which means that they are made of similar structure. Just like you might explain why the heart beats or how hearing works or all the things that they learn about in school – but these things that are so vital to their safety and their well being as humans, are conveniently left out of the conversation.

You might say to your child ‘I love that you’re getting to know your body. And this is not something that we do in the living room while people are around or at the dinner table or at the grocery store. That’s something that we do in private so that you can get to know your body. These parts are really sensitive. That’s why we were clothed to cover them so that they stay protected. And no one else is allowed to touch your clitoris, your penis, your anus.’ All of that can happen in these little teachable moments.

So it’s just us getting comfortable with a new way of helping them understand – helping a new generation understand – their bodies and their rights to their own bodies.

Never punish or demean. It’s okay to be curious!

Me: I caught my child watching porn at a young age and it was stressful. How do parents handle this situation?

Melissa: The world places a lot of responsibility on us as parents, like, don’t raise a perpetrator, don’t raise a victim, all of these messages about how perfect we need to create our children’s lives. And there are going to be things that are going to happen that we may not be able to prevent – like our children finding easily-accessible porn on the internet.

I avoid words, like ‘catch them’, because then that sends that message that like oh, I caught you doing something bad. So if we find out our young person has come across porn or has been shown porn, or has been actively searching, we need to recognize that our children are not bad, they’re not demons, they’re not scarred forever. This is really an opportunity, not a threat. We can get a better understanding of what happened in the situation, not from a well ‘Why were you looking at that?’ stance. It’s important that our reaction isn’t shame-based or accusatory or punishment oriented. It’s our job as a family to help keep all of us safer. We know porn is not for children or education. It’s made for adult entertainment. So we say to them ‘It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay to be curious about bodies. It’s okay to be curious about sex. When you have questions about these things. Here’s what you can do, instead of going to Google or looking at porn, we can talk about it. You can ask me any questions you want.’ And then that goes back to whether you are truly creating a space that feels safe for them to ask, because kids will go to Google or porn or friends if they’re curious when the home isn’t feeling safe from punishment or shame.

If you simply say ‘Don’t watch porn’ it’s likely to just push them back towards it. We need to be more thoughtful and smarter about treating our young people like the whole humans that they are. Give them more credit than sometimes they’re given. They’re more likely to listen to what we have to say if they feel respected, and if they feel heard. And they know that we’re on their team, that we’re not just looking for an opportunity to punish them next. So you can say ‘ I want to make sure that you have reliable information about bodies and about sex because you deserve that. One day you’re going to make choices about sex. And I want you to feel ready when that time comes. Watching porn can send confusing, unsafe and mixed messages.. So what questions do you have about sex? How can I help you understand these things? It’s okay to be curious.’

Understand that others might have different perspectives.

Me: What do you do if your child’s other parent has a different attitude toward sex that is not as positive?

Melissa: There is often the reality that there’s a whole other person we can’t control, someone who has whole separate values, triggers, traumas related to all this stuff. It’s healthy for our kids to see and know that there are different perspectives. What you can control is, when they are curious with you, how you show up for those curiosities. Never approach them with negativity or blame or shame. You can acknowledge it like ‘ you might hear some different things about a topic, so tell me what you’ve heard about that? That’s interesting. What do you think?’ Because sharing your perspective is helping them to shape their understanding of their perspective.

Want to learn more (trust me, we barely scratched the surface) about raising sex positive kids? Sex Positive Families’ interactive workshops are held virtually and open to tweens, teens, and their trusted adults. You can also order Melissa’s book, Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids, a bestselling comprehensive guide that helps caregivers create the kind of bond that keeps kids safer, informed, and empowered in their sexual health.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Increase Sex Drive

— A Combined Approach

Checking in with your mind and body is key

By Larell Scardelli

Sex drive (libido) is the desire to engage in sexual activity, fantasies, and pleasures. It’s a complex system stimulated by a combination of biological, psychological, social, and environmental factors.1 If you’ve noticed a change in your desire for sex, whether partnered or solo, it’s normal to be confused or concerned.

Before taking steps to increase your libido, check in with yourself to identify what may be causing the dip. Did you get a new job? Alter your diet? Start a new medication? How is the quality of your relationship? Are you stressed?<

This article will help you understand what impacts your libido through a holistic view of your health, relationships, and emotions. Regardless of gender, you will learn how to flow with your individual patterns of desire and learn about integrative remedies, like food and herbs, to work towards a libido that satisfies you.

First Step to Increasing Sex Drive: Identify Changes

A lot can impact libido, so try to stay out of the blame game if your libido is lower than usual or different from a friend’s. Instead, look more holistically at how your life and sex drive are related. Here are some life challenges and changes that may impact your libido.

Terminology

Verywell Health prefers to use inclusive terminology for sex or gender. When citing research or health authorities, the terms for sex or gender from the source are used. In other instances, “male”/”man” refers to a person identified as male at birth, and “female”/”woman” refers to a person identified as female at birth. People may identify with different gender or genders than those assigned at birth.

Age: Hormonal Changes and Lifestyle

Sexual desire ebbs and flows with age, regardless of sex or gender. The same neural and biochemical pathways exist for people of any sex.

People with ovaries go through a lot of hormonal changes during their lifetime, from menstruation to pregnancy to menopause. Sexual desire is closely related to hormones (estrogen and testosterone), so it’s normal to see shifts around these phases.

Many females report an increase in sexual activity in their 30s. Sexual desire is individual, but according to some studies, women have the “highest” libido in their 30s.2

Males may notice their sexual desire peak in their 20s and start to settle in their mid-30s when a natural decline in testosterone becomes more apparent in everyday life.3

Age can also come with other health conditions, new medications, and injuries, all of which can reduce sexual desire in your 40s and beyond. But it’s not all about how old you are. A healthy lifestyle, mindset, and diet at any age can lead to a healthy libido.4

Life Changes

Take note of life changes, big or small. Did you move? Start a job? Lose a job? Adopt a pet? Are you grieving a loss? A breakup? Are you a new parent? Is it a busy season at work? These life changes affect your stress levels and can impact your natural libido.

When stressed, the body goes into fight-or-flight mode, turning off “unnecessary” functions for immediate survival, like appetite and sexual desire.5 Among other functions, stress also reduces focus and energy levels, resulting in foggy and sluggish moods. This is not ideal for sexual arousal.

Medical Diagnoses or Surgery

Recent surgery, injury, chronic illness, or new medical diagnoses can lower your sex drive. The physical and psychological stress of medical issues can affect your body and relationship. Give yourself time to heal and rest.

Pain medications, like opioids, can decrease sexual desire. Other common medications, like hormonal birth control, reduce testosterone levels and can lead to lower libido.6

Mental Health

Clinical depression and anxiety have been linked to a loss of sexual desire. One study shows that 62.5% of mild to moderately depressed males saw increased sexual dysfunction.7 Another study found that women think mental health is more important for their sexual desire than physical health.8

Poor mental health can impact body image and confidence in the bedroom. It can cause sexual dysfunction or pain based on past trauma. Physiologically, depression and anxiety impact hormones, which play a significant role in a healthy sex drive.

Several prescription medications,9 like antidepressants, can reduce your appetite for sex, too, especially if you’re starting them or changing the dosage.10

Quality of Relationship

The frequency of sex does not define your relationship. If you and your partner are happy with the amount of sex you’re having, that’s all that matters. Some couples are even sex-free and enjoy life together just the same.

But if your sex life is a point of tension, look deeper into the relationship. It could be a case of naturally mismatched libidos, or you could discover an opportunity to get closer to your partner by discussing conflict and challenges.

Healthy communication, trust, care, and open dialogue will help you understand how certain areas of the relationship may be causing a loss of sexual closeness and how to repair them.

How to Increase Sex Drive: A Wide Range of Approaches

Once you’ve identified one or more underlying changes causing your libido to plummet, you can explore a range of approaches to increase it. Because sexual appetite has emotional, physical, biological, and social ties, it’s important to consider a holistic approach to treatment. Approaches can include the following:

  • Eliminate or cut back on drugs, alcohol, and smoking.11
  • Get regular physical exams to rule out underlying conditions.
  • Dedicate quality time to your relationship, and consider turning off the TV and other screens to talk or to schedule an activity you enjoy together.
  • Add moderate exercise to your routine.12
  • Make quality sleep a priority.11
  • Explore pleasurable sex with more communication, erogenous zones, foreplay, lubricant, toys, or positions. Focus on the connection over orgasm.
  • Consider sex therapy for yourself or as a couple to understand your sexual goals or work through mental blocks.
  • Journal about your sexual desires, needs, and interests to better understand what you like in the bedroom.
  • Try herbs like Ginkgo biloba, maca root, or ginseng.13 Be sure to discuss with your healthcare provider whether these would interact with any other medications you are taking.
  • Eat supposed libido-boosting foods like chocolate, oysters, garlic, and fenugreek.14
  • Communicate early and often with your partner about your relationship and needs.
  • Ask a healthcare provider about prescription medications that may be affecting your libido and any that may help improve your libido.

No standard exists for a “normal” sex drive.15 Your baseline libido may naturally vary from that of your friends and others you may compare yourself to. A person can be satisfied with a libido that may seem higher or lower than that of others.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Females

Females looking to understand or increase their sex drive can also consider the following solutions:11

  • Get to know your menstrual cycle: You may be more turned on during different phases of your cycle, and articulating this can help you and your partner get on the same page.
  • Focus on arousal and connection: Fostering a feeling of closeness during foreplay can flood the body with sexual hormones to cue lubrication and blood flow to erogenous zones.
  • Add lube: Using over-the-counter lubricants and vaginal moisturizers can improve your sexual experience and reduce discomfort.
  • Learn about hormone therapy: If you’re postmenopausal, talk to a healthcare provider about how hormone therapy can help with estrogen levels and changes in vaginal tissue.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Males

Males experience stress and hormone fluctuations too. Testosterone, the main driver of sexual function and other male characteristics, such as facial hair, begins to decline around age 30. Here are some solutions to boost libido in men:

  • Reduce alcohol: Alcohol has been shown to lower testosterone levels in males.16
  • Eliminate smoking: Smoking has been directly linked to erectile dysfunction.17
  • Address performance anxiety: Erectile dysfunction can happen at any age and is caused by physical or psychological issues. Talk to your healthcare provider or therapist to address underlying symptoms.
  • Prescription medication: Testosterone replacement therapy or other sexual-enhancing medications may be right for you.18
  • Prioritize your mental health: Mental health plays a big role in libido. You deserve help for stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. Seek out counseling if you’re struggling with mood swings or unwanted thoughts.

Summary

Life can be challenging, and you’re not going to be in the mood for sex all the time. Factors such as hormonal changes, stress-inducing events, medical conditions, medications, mental health challenges, and relationship quality can affect your libido.

People of all sexes experience highs and lows in their sex drive for a number of reasons. If you wish to improve your sex drive, it is good to look at a variety of ways to do so, and the solution will be different for each person.

Finding and sustaining your unique healthy libido includes taking care of your mental and physical health as well as the quality of your relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

Casual Relationships Need Boundaries Too

By Lexi Inks

Since the dawn of time — or maybe the “Summer Nights” duet from Grease — situationships and flings have been a fun way to maintain no-strings connections. At one point or another you may have found yourself meeting a friend with benefits or in something situationship-adjacent, or you may have talked about it with a friend.

However laid-back or short-term they may be, noncommittal partnerships can teach you a lot about yourself and your dating life. The most important learnings should be about establishing boundaries in a casual relationship. The name might suggest otherwise but being in a situationship doesn’t negate the need for respect or common courtesy. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel cared for and considered, no matter how casual that relationship is.

Establishing boundaries and intentions in a situationship often involves having conversations that may be uncomfortable or difficult to facilitate. To this end, we’ve compiled expert tips and IRL experiences from women who have done just that…and lived through the initial embarrassment to tell the tale.

What boundaries should I set in a casual relationship?

Situationships continue to be a hot topic — the term has 5.9 billion views on TikTok alone — as does the era of the “chill girl.” Even if many of them want commitment or, dare I say, respect from their partner, women in heterosexual relationships especially are prone to relaxing their standards and expectations in order to appease men. That said, you don’t actually have to be super chill in a casual relationship. Asking for basic decency and consideration is perfectly valid in any interaction. This can look as simple as a mutual requirement for regular STI testing or as nuanced as agreeing to honesty if more serious feelings develop.

Creating these agreements should happen “early and often,” according to Damona Hoffman, a certified relationship coach and host of the Dates and Mates podcast. “I see so many singles who are afraid to voice their true intentions because of fear or rejection or scaring away someone great,” she shares. “The negative outcome there is that you have a different expectation of where the relationship is headed and by delaying the conversation, you’re simply deferring disappointment.” The first step is making sure each party’s intentions are clear and aligned.

In terms of specific boundaries, you and your S.O. can (and should) match up on behaviours that meet your respective comfort levels and keep you both safe. Elizabeth, 28, began a fling earlier this year. She and her situationship partner established a critical safety boundary right away. Once they had shared their recent STI status, they gained a sense of trust and decided to engage in unprotected sex. While they also agreed on the freedom to sleep with other people, they chose to start using protection once the other person shared that they’d had sex with someone else.

Sarah, 31, found herself in an FWB situation with a friend. They shared a social circle so one of their agreements was that they wouldn’t spill anything about their trysts to their mutual friends. Another was that once either of them met someone they wanted to pursue intentionally, they would end their physical connection. This worked out well when each of them met their now spouse within a month of the other. Because of their discretion, there was no resulting drama or conflict within the friend group.

Whether it’s sexual exclusivity, no PDA or omitting details about other dates or hookups, Hoffman recommends that you “pay attention to boundary-crossing early on. It could be as simple as being chronically late or something as complex as making you physically uncomfortable, embarrassing you publicly or disregarding your feelings, but it all begins with setting a baseline for what you want out of the relationship and how you would like to be treated.” If you notice that your casual S.O. isn’t living up to your shared expectations, it may be time to reevaluate and communicate.

How do I set boundaries in a casual relationship?

Before you and your low-key lover set anything in stone, it’s important to understand how to establish boundaries. Although social media might have you believe that boundaries are synonymous with rules you enforce with a partner, they actually have a lot more to do with your choices.&

“Oftentimes, boundaries are introduced as a response to a situation, offense or repetitive occurrence. However, this places boundaries in the bucket of ‘coping mechanisms’ versus their proper placement within the bucket of ‘protective mechanisms,’” says Dr. LaNail R. Plummer, a licensed professional counsellor and CEO of Onyx Therapy Group. “The difference between coping and protective mechanisms is that coping mechanisms are used after something has occurred and protective mechanisms are used before something occurs.”

Rather than confront your significant other once they do something that breaks your agreements or breaches your trust, it’s important to set expectations before that can ever happen. Plummer likens this to a car alarm: When you lock your car, you protect yourself and your belongings before harm can get to them. When you forget to lock the car, the alarm that goes off is more of an aftereffect. This might translate into you cutting off the relationship if your partner lies to you about sleeping with someone else, or starts seeing someone monogamously and keeps you in the dark.

Voicing what you will do in response to boundary-crossing behaviours can prevent them from popping up in the future and make you and your casual counterpart feel more secure and safe in the process.

What should I do if a boundary is crossed?

Despite our best efforts, sometimes people screw up. In the case of casual relationships, the potential for grey areas and ambiguous expectations is high and could lead to unfavourable behaviours. While you don’t necessarily need to put up with them, Plummer notes that forgiving a crossed boundary or broken agreement shouldn’t always lead to guilt and shame.

“One should give themselves grace. While boundaries are standard and firm, we must recognise that sometimes we allow a boundary to be crossed and then become guilt-ridden and have negative self-talk,” she says. “Yes, sometimes you will forget to ‘lock your car door’ and when it happens, accept it and remember that boundary next time.” Unless the broken agreement is something that can truly harm you and your S.O., it’s valid to work through an honest mistake or slip-up if you feel like that’s the best decision. Just as the relationship is yours to facilitate, the choices you make within it don’t need to be justified to anyone outside of it.

Communication is mandatory for any healthy relationship, casual or committed, so have honest conversations about trust and any actions that might breach it. Although it’s perfectly reasonable to feel hurt if your partner breaks an agreement you had, approaching it with aggression or anger isn’t usually the best solution. “Enforcing boundaries is often easier than we make it,” Hoffman explains. “Simply name it and reframe it: Tell the person the action they took that crossed a boundary for you and instruct them how they can better show up for you in the future. It doesn’t need to be a shame fest, it doesn’t need to be a lecture, but you do need to voice how you feel and give your partner some guidance on how to honour your boundary in the future.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Sexiest Part of an Open Relationship?

— The Rules

By

Whether open or monogamous, all relationships are defined by rules. Rules, promises, vows even. Now in a monogamous setup there’s usually only one rule: Don’t fuck or fall in love with or flirt or fool around with anyone who isn’t me. It’s an easy rule to follow. And it’s an easy rule to break.

In an open relationship, rules are a little different. Their contents, and your relationship to them as a couple, is open season. Now I’ve slept with people who are deeply strict about their rules; I’ve heard of people sharing Excel spreadsheets with new prospective partners detailing each and every rule they abide by; and I’ve heard of people with no rules whatsoever.

I fall in between: The rules of my relationship are evolving, the central ones being “try to welcome change” and “be generous.” It sounds really vague, but when applied to the other rules, it means we can have generous conversations about the unruliness of human emotions.

When my husband and I first went open, he and I had a “you can’t sleep with someone more than three times” rule. And it worked, for a while. But eventually I met someone who asked me on a fourth date. A fourth date on which I wanted to go. The sex was good, my emotions were in check, and he was fit. Of course, the fear of me leaving my partner after three dates—which is why we made the rule in the first place—now seemed completely absurd. Three dates versus nine years. And so when we talked about this fourth date, it seemed like a no-brainer. In fact it allowed us to be both realistic about what it was we’d built together, and the very real fear of one of us leaving the other.

A fourth date with Hot Guy turned into a whole summer, and while there was never any danger of my leaving my primary partner, the situation neared the edges of our next rule: “Don’t fall in love with anyone else.” And so, after many measured discussions (and some not so), I ended the relationship with Really Hot Summer Guy.

It was in this process of exploring, of stretching and bending the rules, that we formulated new rules in our relationship. We met each different feeling and emotion with our two central rules in mind: “be generous” and “try to welcome change.” Change takes time, and generosity takes understanding. And so we talked, we questioned, we fought a little, and we even went to bed angry.

We learned—we’re learning—that rules are context specific, and that we don’t have to have the same emotional response to everything: He might be calm about something I might be jealous of, and vice versa. But with each different scenario came opportunity for deeper understanding about our fears, our desires, and areas of our relationship that maybe need more care. It’s always, as it should be, a work in progress.

When I first started down the route of open relationships, it all seemed so odd. So many rules, both boring and fussy. Seems like a rather unromantic paradox to me. And yet I’ve found the formulation, and continued evolution, of the rules in my relationship to be one of the most healthy and invigorating things about it. Now we are required to discuss the terms of our relationship with each other; now we must speak on our real desires because the stakes are higher if we don’t. Now we talk about dating others, the sex we’ve had, the sex we want to have with each other as a result of the sex we’ve had, as well as talking about how bad the Wi-Fi connection is in our bedroom and why the fridge keeps freezing everything.

In previously monogamous relationships, I often found that bringing up the rules of our entanglement could incite a complicated conversation that felt more like I was questioning both the relationship and monogamy itself. I probably was, and I perhaps think that my monogamous relationships could have benefited from questioning too: to ensure it was really right for us both, to ensure its maintenance. It ended because we both cheated. Although that cheating was symptomatic of incompatible desire and incompatible experiences of jealousy. And really it was in an inability to, or an avoidance of, talking about the structures of our relationship that it became brittle. If we can’t ask questions of something, is it structurally sound at all?

An open relationship isn’t for everyone. At times the rules are fun, at times they are laborious. At times you wish you hadn’t set a rule, and at times there is hurt when one person read the letter of the rule and another lived the spirit. But we must continue to grow toward each other in all of our various relationships: to understand that words and rules and definitions can only ever do half the work in describing feelings, desires, entanglements.

Now one of my favorite conversations to have on dates is about their rules, my rules, how we all came up with them, how we manage them. It’s sort of like gossip, but about your own sex life. Trust is a nebulous thing, and something very easy to lose but very hard to regain. It takes a lot of work, a lot of thought, respect, and care to nourish something that is at once so fragile and capable of bearing the weight of complicated emotions.

Rules and promises help us to maintain and further this trust. Yes, I might be sleeping with someone else, but if this sex is happening inside a set of rules created with my partner, then the sex with another person in fact becomes irrelevant. The trust lies in the rules. Some people’s rules are to break every rule. And still, the same ends—trust—are achieved.

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