Tag: Intimacy

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How to Reconnect With Your Partner After Having Kids

Don’t wait for the most convenient time to rebuild intimacy. You’ll be waiting a long time.

By Christina Caron

First things first: This is not another article that simply tells you to “go on a date night.”

Nothing against date nights. The best ones can remind you why you fell in love with your spouse or partner in the first place.

Or they can involve staring at each other in a sleep-deprived haze over an expensive meal while intermittently glancing at your phone for updates from the babysitter.

If date nights aren’t working for you, or if you’ve been struggling to maintain intimacy for months — or even years — after having children, here are some different ways to stay close to your spouse or partner, despite the stresses and frustrations of parenthood.

Try not to become complacent.

Just as there was never a perfect time to have children, there will rarely be a perfect time to rekindle a connection with your partner.

It’s easy to push your romantic relationship to the side: “Let’s get through sleep training first.” Or: “As soon as I get back into shape.” Or: “Maybe when I’m less tired.”

Then winter arrives. “Everyone’s sick again? Let’s wait until we get better.”

But if you keep waiting, experts say, regaining intimacy can become increasingly difficult.

“It seems to have been the norm for so many couples to say to themselves, ‘Now that the kids are here, we’ll focus on the kids. Our day will come,’” said Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist whose TEDx talk about sex-starved marriages has been viewed more than 5 million times. “But here’s the bad news from someone who’s been on the front lines with couples for decades. Unless you treat your relationship, your marriage, like it’s a living thing — which requires nurturing on a regular basis — you won’t have a marriage after the kids leave home.”

Couples may start to lead parallel but separate lives — and discover they have nothing in common.

“They’re looking at a stranger, and they ask themselves, ‘Is this the way I want to spend the last few years of my life?’” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “And for too many couples the answer is no.”

But all of that is preventable, she added.

“It’s absolutely essential not to be complacent about what I call a ho-hum sex life. Touching is a very primal way of connecting and bonding,” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “If those needs to connect physically are ignored over a period of time, or are downgraded so that it’s not satisfying, I can assure people there will be problems in the relationship moving forward.”

Slow down and start over.

If you had a vaginal birth, you and your partner may expect to begin having sex as early as six weeks after the baby is born, if you have been physically cleared to do so.

For some couples, that signals “the clock is now ticking,” said Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.”

But a lot of women simply won’t be ready that early. And that’s O.K.

“After the postpartum checkup, I didn’t feel like myself, I didn’t feel physically ready to have sex,” said Emily Stroia, 33, who lives in Los Angeles. “In terms of libido, I didn’t really have one.”

Ms. Stroia, the mother of a 10-month-old, eventually starting having sex with her partner once a month — but before she became pregnant, they had sex nearly every week, she said.

“I still kind of forget that I’m in a relationship,” said Ms. Stroia, who is struggling with sleep deprivation. “I have to remind myself that I have a partner.”

After any potential medical problems are ruled out, Dr. Nagoski advises couples to “start over” with one another by establishing a sexual connection in much in the same way they might have done when they were first getting to know each other: making out, holding each other and gradually moving in the direction of bare skin.

That’s especially important if there’s a birth parent involved, she added.

“That person’s body is brand-new,” Dr. Nagoski said. “The whole meaning of their body has transformed.”

It also helps to remember that “intimacy isn’t just hot sex,” said Rick Miller, a psychotherapist in Massachusetts.

“It’s steadfast loyalty, a commitment to getting through stressful times together and, most importantly, enjoying the warm, cozy moments of home together,” Mr. Miller said.
Put on your life preserver first.

Taking the time to nurture your individual physical and emotional needs will give you the bandwidth to nurture your relationship, too, so that it doesn’t feel like another task on the to-do list.

“When you experience your partner’s desire for intimacy as an intrusion, ask yourself, ‘How deprived am I in my own self-care? What do I need to do to take care of myself in order to feel connected to my own sexuality?’” said Dr. Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist and host of the “Motherhood Sessions” podcast.

That might mean going to the gym or talking to your partner about decreasing the invisible mental load that is often carried by one parent.

Enlisting the support of your family (or your chosen family) to take some time for yourself or discuss some of the struggles that accompany parenting can help you recharge.

“Relying on others is an indirect way of working on intimacy,” Mr. Miller said.

This is especially important for gay couples, he added, who may not typically share vulnerabilities “because the world hasn’t been a safe place.”

Practicing self-care as a couple is equally important.

Dr. Sacks recommends making a list of everything you used to do together as a couple that helped you feel close, and thinking about how those rituals have changed.

Is your toddler sleeping in your bed, spread out like a sea star between you and your partner? Have you stopped doing the things together you used to really enjoy like working out or going to the movies? Dr. Sacks recommends thinking about how you’re going to make an adjustment in order to create physical and emotional intimacy with your partner.

For example, if you always used to talk about your day together and now that time is completely absorbed by caregiving, the absence of that connection will be profound.

“You can’t just eliminate it and expect to feel as close,” she said.

Think about what turns you on.

According to Dr. Nagoski, one way to nurture intimacy is to remind yourselves of the context in which you had a great sexual connection together.

What characteristics did your partner have? What characteristics did your relationship have?

Then, she said, think about the setting.

“Were we at home with the door locked? Were we on vacation? Was it over text? Was it at a party in a closet at a stranger’s house against a wall of other people’s coats? What context really works for us?” Dr. Nagoski said.

When doing this exercise, and when thinking about your current libido (or lack thereof) it’s also helpful to remember that not everyone experiences spontaneous desire — the kind of sexual desire that pops out of nowhere. For example, you’re walking down the street and suddenly can’t stop thinking about sex.

Millions of other people experience something different called responsive desire, which stems from erotic stimulation. In other words, arousal comes first and then desire.

Both types of desire are normal.

Create a magic circle in your bedroom.

Dr. Nagoski suggested cordoning off an imaginative protected space in your mind where you can “bring forward the aspects of your identity that are relevant to your erotic connection and you close the door on the parts of yourself that are not important for an erotic connection.”

With enough focus, this strategy can work even if the physical space you’re using contains reminders of your role as a caregiver.

It can also help to think of your bedroom as a sanctuary, advised Ms. Weiner-Davis.

For couples who have spent years co-sleeping with their children, that can be somewhat difficult.

“I do believe there comes a point where it’s important to have those boundaries again,” Ms. Weiner-Davis said.

Don’t bank on spontaneity.

It’s easy to forget how much time and effort we put into our relationships in the early days: planning for dates, caring for our bodies and (gasp) having long conversations with one another.

“People feel sort of sad when they get that news that yes, it does require effort to build a connection across a lifetime,” Dr. Nagoski said. “You don’t just dive in — you don’t just put your body in the bed and put your genitals against each other and expect for it to be ecstatic.”

Karen Jeffries (a pen name she uses as a writer and performer to protect her privacy) said her sex life with her husband is better than ever after having had two children. They’ve always had a strong physical connection, she said. But they also plan ahead and prioritize.

“There are times where I’ll text him and I’ll be like, ‘We’re having sex tonight,’ and he’ll be like ‘O.K.’ or vice versa,” she said. “Sometimes I’ll send him a picture of a taco and he’ll send me a picture of an eggplant.”

Ms. Jeffries, 37, a fourth-grade dual-language teacher in Westchester County, N.Y., is the author of “Hilariously Infertile,” an account of the fertility treatments she endured to conceive her two daughters. Her children, now aged 6 and 4, are on a strict sleep schedule with a 7:30 p.m. bedtime, allowing for couple time in the evening.

Think of building good sexual habits just like you would develop good eating or exercising habits, she advised.

“Sex begets more sex. Kind of like when you go to the gym,” she said. “It takes you a while to build that habit.”

Then, she added, “You’ll notice little by little that it becomes more and more as opposed to less and less.”

Consider therapy.

A small 2018 study found that attending group therapy helped couples with low sexual desire as well as those who had discrepancies in their levels of sexual desire.

Individual or couples therapy can also be a good place to start.

For many parents, however, and especially those with young children, finding the time and money to go to a therapist can be challenging.

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist whose TED talks on sexuality and relationships have been viewed by millions, offers an online course, currently $199, that includes a section called “Sex After Kids.”

Ms. Perel also hosts the popular “Where Should We Begin?” podcast, in which couples share the intimate details of their troubles during recorded therapy sessions.

A number of other podcasts also offer advice to couples, including “Marriage Therapy Radio” and “Relationship Advice.”

Regardless of what steps you take to rebuild a connection with your spouse, experts say it’s important to take action as soon as possible.

“The child is not going to take up less space over time,” Dr. Sacks said. “So the question is: How do you carve out space for your relationships around the child, as the child continues to develop with different but continually demanding needs.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Ways to Overcome Sexual Insecurity

by Katie Lambert

Few things make us feel more vulnerable than being naked in front of someone else. There’s nothing to distract, nowhere to hide. Everything you are is out in the open for everyone to see, whether they be friends or enemies.

When it comes to sex, there’s often a component of emotional vulnerability as well. For people who are insecure when it comes to their bodies and their relationships, this can make the bedroom a minefield. An innocuous-seeming comment from a partner can result in a psychological detonation and a devastated evening (not to mention a lot of confusion).

If this scenario sounds familiar, it’s time to make peace with yourself. Here are 10 tips to overcoming the internal battle in the bedroom.

10 Walk Around Naked More Often

For some people, sexual insecurity comes from the way they feel about their bodies. If you’re one of them, feeling comfortable in bed with someone else has to start with you feeling comfortable with yourself.

Easier said than done, right?

Start with something concrete: Take it all off. And by “it,” we mean your clothes. Walk around naked. Look at your body in the mirror (not under fluorescent lighting!) through the eyes of someone much more compassionate than you usually are with yourself. Yes, you might have cellulite, or one breast or testicle that’s lower than the other, or weird hair on your back. But so what?

Despite what you may have absorbed through the media, people like different things. Fat, pubic hair, paleness — those all get someone going. You don’t have to have Ryan Reynolds’ abs or Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage to be sexually desirable. If someone is smiling at you in a bedroom and inviting you under the covers, it’s because they want to sleep with you. Just as you are.

No more turning off the light. Remember that confidence is sexy, too.

9 Get in Touch with Yourself

Self-pleasure is normal. Some of us have been doing it since toddlerhood, while others didn’t discover it until much later. While it’s great in and of itself, masturbation also serves another purpose — teaching you what makes you feel good.

Know thyself– in the carnal sense. Some women prefer clitoral stimulation, for example, while others like vaginal or anal penetration, and still others desire some sort of combination. Some men like attention paid to their nipples, scrotum or perineum, while others would like you to put your mouth and hands elsewhere.

If you know what gets you all hot and bothered, you can better guide someone who wants to please you. That’s a win-win.

8 Make a Doctor’s Appointment

Some insecurities can be resolved by talking to a health care professional. If your worries stem from the fact that sex is painful for you, for instance, it might be a medical issue. Someone can talk you through it, give you advice and might be able to fix it.

Lest you worry that your concern is utterly bizarre, rest assured that any health care professional has pretty much heard it all.

If you’ve noticed an unusual discharge or smell, or if you’re having trouble getting erect, having an orgasm or staying lubricated, give your doctor a call. Either it’s something he or she can help you with, or you’ll get the reassurance that everything is just fine.

7 Reprioritize

It isn’t true that all men want sex all the time, or that what all women truly desire is a man or woman who lasts for hours.

A common insecurity is about “performance.” Women worry that they’ll take too long to orgasm, or that they won’t be able to. Men are concerned that they’ll ejaculate too quickly or not get hard enough.

Orgasms are awesome — no one’s denying it. But making that the only focus of a sexual experience is missing a lot of other things. Plus, the pressure of making it the be-all and end-all of your tryst just makes it more nerve-wracking.

Can’t get it up? It happens. If it happens often, you might want to get checked out for any medical issues, but if it happens when you’re nervous, you certainly aren’t the only one. Can’t have an orgasm? Again, not the end of the world. Maybe you aren’t comfortable with the person, or maybe you have other stuff going on in your mind. Maybe you’re both drunk. The point is that there’s more to sex than those few seconds. Make the most of it.

6 Accept That You Like What You Like

Let’s say that what you need to feel fully aroused is dirty talk. You want your sexual partner to tell you, in detail, exactly what he or she fantasizes about doing to your naked body. (Or, hey, your clothed body — whatever works.)

But you don’t want to ask, because you’re afraid that he or she will think it’s weird. And, instead of having an incredibly satisfying experience, you leave wishing for something more.

The heart wants what the heart wants. Same goes for the genitalia. Unless your particular sexual predilections are illegal or dangerous, they’re fine — and we promise that there are other people who share the same longings.

You have a choice: You can try to plant thought beams in your partner’s head about what you want, or you can talk about it and possibly elevate mediocre sex to something fantastic. And who knows — he or she might’ve been hoping the entire time that you’d say it.

5 Get Your Head Straight

Is your goal to be the best at sex? You might want to find a new goal. One, because that award does not exist outside the porn industry, and two, because there is no right or best way to do it — different people like different things.

It’s like a dirty nursery rhyme — some like it fast, some like it slow, some like it hard and some like it not so.

Regardless of what magazines may try to sell you, there is no one trick that will drive him or her wild. Well, there might be, but you’re going to have to find that one out from the one you’re with.

The best sex happens when you lose yourself in the moment. So instead of striving for first place in a competition that’s only in your head, work toward finding someone who makes you tingly.

4 Practice, Practice, Practice!

Before you ever kissed someone, you probably worried that you’d be bad at it. This is why so many people have stories about making out with their own hands.

Not surprisingly, a lot of people have the same worries about sex. Here, we can take a lesson from sports. (No, it’s not about bases.) Practice, practice, practice.

You don’t know much about sex at the beginning. That’s OK. There’s no sex bible. That’s because it’s totally subjective. Good sex is what feels good to you.

If you’ve left the bed feeling let down, try, try again! Figure out what it was that made you disappointed. Never quite gotten the hang of being on top? Experiment the next dozen times you do it. Have no idea what you’re doing when it comes to oral sex? Take the time to explore. Most people appreciate lovers who take their time and think creatively. You’re in no hurry (unless you’re in an elevator). There’s plenty of time to learn and grow.

3 Use Your Mouth — to Talk

Like so many other situations in life, communication is key when it comes to sex. You should be talking about contraception and STDs, of course, but there’s more to it than that.

It’s OK to admit that you’re inexperienced or need cuddling or compliments, or that you’re a little shy. If he or she isn’t the kind of person you feel comfortable talking to, you might want to rethink the whole “exchanging bodily fluids” thing. You don’t have to discuss the time your dog got hit by a car, but you should be able to share with a sexual partner your feelings about sex.

If you’re insecure about your abilities, few people will mind having a willing pupil — some will enjoy it, in fact.

So instead of letting your inner monologue distract you, try putting some of it into words. After that, you might not need too many words at all.

2 Talk to a Therapist

Some sexual insecurities require a little outside help to overcome. Any kind of past sexual trauma or emotional or psychological problem could use some professional expertise.

Therapy is still generally looked at as something you do in response to a traumatic life event, but really, it’s just a tool to help you work through things — even issues that seem small.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a good option for dealing with sexual insecurities because it focuses on changing the way you think, helping you squelch negative thoughts in favor of a more constructive way of looking at things.

1 Have Fun

Sex is fun. That’s why humans have been doing it for centuries. So if you’re not enjoying yourself, take a step back and investigate why.

If your insecurities are being reinforced by the person you’re with — a partner who criticizes you or makes you feel inadequate — hit the road, Jack. Find someone who makes you feel amazing.

Life is too short to spend it worried about whether your O-face looks weird or how visible your cellulite is from behind. Don’t miss out. Address your insecurities and enter the boudoir excited — pun completely intended.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cannabis vs. Alcohol

Which Is Better for Sex?

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As legalization brings cannabis out into the open, sex is becoming a major area of interest for brands as well as smokers. It may even make some consider turning to cannabis instead of the most well-known sex-enhancing drug, alcohol. How exactly, then, do the two substances compare?

According to a new survey by the vibrator startup Lioness, the answer is unequivocal: Cannabis wins. Of 432 people surveyed, 66% said cannabis makes orgasms more intense, compared with only 2% who said the same of alcohol. Similarly, 55% said cannabis led to more satisfying foreplay, compared with 3% saying the same of alcohol, and cannabis gave 57% of people longer sessions (though it decreased the time it took to reach an orgasm), while alcohol did the same for just 6%.

While this study was sponsored by a cannabis company and is not the most objective, there’s other research supporting this point. A 2007 study in the Journal of Pharmacology compared people’s reports of sex with alcohol and sex with illicit drugs, including cannabis and ecstasy. While cannabis wasn’t studied individually, the researchers found that people reported greater willingness to experiment and more satisfying experience overall with illicit drugs compared to alcohol.

Dr. Becky Lynn, Director of the Center for Sexual Health and Associate Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Saint Louis University, who studies how cannabis affects women’s sex lives, says her own patients are more likely to report enhanced libido and orgasm with cannabis than alcohol. Some women with severe pain during sex find alcohol more useful, she says, but this comes at the cost of being less present during the encounter.

Sex coach and CannaSexual creator Ashley Manta says her clients also much prefer cannabis as a sexual aid. “The phrases I hear most often from clients with regard to alcohol and sex are ‘disconnected,’ ‘sloppy,’ and ‘numb,’ ” she said. “With cannabis, I hear ’embodied,’ ‘heightened sensation,’ and ‘euphoric.’”

Dr. Nikola Djordjevic, family physician and medical adviser for loudcloudhealth.co, agreed with Manta.

“Alcohol tends to numb us,” Djordjevic said, while “sex on marijuana makes us more aware and enhances our sensations.” Issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and falling asleep during sex are also more likely to happen with alcohol, he said. However, cannabis is more likely to cause anxiety and paranoia, which can certainly hinder one’s sexual enjoyment.

One advantage to cannabis is that there are more ways to use it, Manta points out. There are even cannabis sex products that won’t intoxicate you at all, such as topicals and cannabidiol (CBD) products. Lynn cautions, however, that there isn’t solid evidence to support the effectiveness of cannabis lube.

Stoned Sex is the Best Sex

Many people agree based on personal experience that stoned sex is superior.

“On booze, sex is sloppy, graceless, incoherent, and too often incomplete,” said Russel Barth, a 50-year-old author and cannabis advocate in Ottawa. “On cannabis, sex is like a ballet with full-orchestra crescendo. On booze, you are not completely present in the moment. With cannabis, you are deeply in tune with the moment and with the person you are interacting with. The climax can be transcendental.”

“Getting high [on cannabis] makes me ridiculously horny because every sensation is amplified,” said Suzannah, a 23-year-old student in South Africa. “I enjoy having sex while I’m tipsy, but the drunker I get, the more numb everything is, and I also just generally don’t enjoy not remembering a lot of it.”

Some sexual advantages of cannabis for sex are indirect. It makes Michele Parrotta, a 55-year-old entrepreneur in Ontario, Canada, “way less nervous” during sex. Ryan, a 33-year-old who works in sales in Washington, D.C., says cannabis actually makes him shier, but that has the benefit of making him more gentle and giving, while alcohol can make him overly bold, selfish, and rough.

Not everyone feels that way, though. Shad, a 26-year-old marketing professional in San Diego and Los Angeles, actually prefers tipsy sex (though not full-on drunk sex) to stoned sex. With weed, “neither person has as much energy and is more likely to chill out vs. get creative and have a great orgasm,” he said.

Joe, a 31-year-old writer in Southern California, sees pros and cons to both. While drunk sex is “more adventurous,” stoned sex is “deliciously slow and contemplative,” he said.

Emma Biddulph, a 25-year-old graduate student in Portland, Oregon, says sober sex is the best of all, but stoned sex can occasionally be fun because it makes partners “giggly” and more comfortable expressing what they want.

Risky Business

Another perhaps surprising difference is, research shows that cannabis actually decreases sexual risk-taking, while alcohol increases it, said Matthew Johnson, associate professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore. A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that alcohol is more likely to make someone sleep with a stranger, but cannabis is more likely to make them sleep with someone they already know.

“A very likely reason is that alcohol has major effects on GABA, the major inhibitory neurotransmitter in the brain, and drugs that work on this system tend to have strong disinhibiting effects,” Johnson said. “People don’t put their mental brakes on, so to speak. But cannabis affects the endocannabinoid system, which plays much more of a modulatory role.”

There also might be an upside to cannabis’s potential to induce paranoia, he said: People may be more likely to worry about things like pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Whichever substance you are using, doing it in excess can hinder your sex life more than it helps. One study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, for example, found that men who used cannabis daily were at higher risk for sexual dysfunction such as inability to orgasm, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation.

So, while many people have long been singing the praises of stoned sex and will likely continue to do so, it’s still not a cure-all, and there can be too much of a good thing.

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The Evolution of a Bisexual

My Road to Embracing Sexual Fluidity

by

“Now, I’m far more attracted to men than women, but who’s to say my sexual preference won’t sway again?”

I’ve identified as straight, I’ve identified as gay, and I’ve identified—and still identify—as bi. My sexual identity is something of a shapeshifting mass that I can never quite firmly grasp. In the minds of many, I’m confused. But I don’t see it that way. I’ve always been confident in my sexual orientation; it’s just changed over time. For the majority of my life, I was solely romantically and sexually linked to women. But in my late 20s, I started to experiment with men (something I’ve wanted to do for a long, long time) and really liked it. Now, I’m far more attracted to men than women, but who’s to say my sexual preference won’t sway again?

“It’s not uncommon for people’s sexual identities to change,” sex educator Erica Smith, M.Ed, tells NewNowNext. “I know this as a sexuality educator and because I’ve experienced it firsthand. I’ve identified as bisexual, lesbian, queer, and straight (when I was very young). It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s that I relaxed into the knowledge that my sexual attractions are probably going to keep changing and shifting my whole life.”

According to Alisa Swindell, Ph.D. candidate and bisexual activist, it is not always our sexuality that changes. Usually, it’s our understanding of our sexuality that evolves when we explore what feels right to us. “Our understanding of gender and how it is expressed has been evolving at a rate that has not previously been known (or studied) and that is changing how we understand our own desires and responses to others,” she says.

Many outside factors can influence our sexuality. For instance, Swindell thinks many bisexuals are playing against a numbers game. “There are more people with other gender attractions than same-gender, so more often bisexual people end up in relationships with people of another gender and find it easier to pursue those relationships,” she says.

In her opinion, this sentiment is especially true for women, as there is still a lot of stigma toward bi women within lesbian communities. Men, however, experience a different set of challenges.

“Once [men] start dating [other] men, they often find themselves in social situations that are almost exclusively male and so meeting women becomes harder,” she adds, effectively summarizing my lived experience as a sexually active bisexual man. “Also, those men, like all of us, were socialized to respond to heterosexual norms. So many men who enjoy the queerness of the male spaces are still often attracted to heteronormative women who do not always respond to male bisexuality due to continuing stigma.”

The continuing stigma often pressures bisexuals to adopt a monosexual identity. Take Leslie, a “not super out” bisexual, as an example. Leslie dated a woman from her late teens to early 20s, keeping her sexual orientation a secret because her parents were conservative and she didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. As she revisits her past same-sex relationship with me, she has a realization: “In reflecting on all of that, I think deep down I thought that being with a man would just be easier.”

The bisexual Pride flag

Now married to a man, Leslie feels like she’s lost her bi identity, though she’s still attracted to different genders. “When I see people I follow online and find out they are bisexual I usually reach out and say, ‘I am, too!’ so I can collect sisters and brothers where I can,” she adds. “Otherwise, as I am cisgender-presenting I often feel like I don’t really have a say but I offer my support.”

This loss of identity is all too common. “Maintaining a recognized bisexual identity can be difficult as monosexuality is still the assumed norm,” Swindell says, noting that showing support—whether that looks like keeping up with issues that affect bisexuals, correcting people who mistakenly call bisexuals gay or straight, or encouraging our partners to not let that slide when it comes up with friends and family are all important for maintaining an identity—as Leslie has, is important to maintaining a bi identity. Smith adds this loss of identity may be attributed to a person’s own internalized biphobia, too.

“When it comes to sexuality in particular, there is rightfully a lot of autonomy given to people to self-identify. If someone self-identifies as queer or bisexual, none of their sexual or relational behavior, in of itself, alters that,” psychotherapist Daniel Olavarria, LCSW, tells NewNowNext. “Of course, there is also a recognition that by marrying someone of the opposite sex, for example, that this queer person is exercising a level of privilege that may alter their external experience in the world. As a result, this may have implications for how that person is perceived among queer and non-queer communities.”

Jodi’s experience as a bisexual person is more reflective of my own: She shares that she’s gone through stages where she only dates men, and others where she only dates women. Available studies suggest that only a minority of bisexuals maintain simultaneous relationships with both genders. In one report, self-identified bisexuals were asked if they had been sexually involved with both men and women in the past 12 months. Two-thirds said yes, and only one-third has been simultaneously involved with both genders.

As for a possible explanation? “It can be really difficult for us to find partners who are comfortable with us dating other genders at the same time,” Smith offers up as a theory.

“If I’m in a situation where I have to be exhibiting a lot of ‘masculine’ energy (running projects, being very in charge of things at work, etc.), then I tend to want to be able to be in more ‘feminine’ energy at home,” Jodi adds, clarifying that people of any gender identity can boast masculine and feminine energy. “Likewise, if my work life looks quieter and focused on more ‘feminine’ aspects such as nurturing and caregiving, I tend to want to exhibit a stronger more masculine presence while at home.”

Bisexuality is, in many ways, a label that can accommodate one’s experience on a sexuality spectrum. This allows for shifts based on a person’s needs or interests at any given point in their life. Perhaps “The Bisexual Manifesto,” published in 1990 from the Bay Area Bisexual Network, says it best:

Bisexuality is a whole, fluid identity. Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.

Sexuality is complicated, and how we experience it throughout our lives is informed by a multitude of different factors—the exploration of power dynamics, craving certain types of sexual experiences, and social expectations can all influence our gender preferences at any given time, to name just a few. Much like our own bodies, our understanding of our sexual orientation will continue to grow.

I’ve come to accept this ongoing evolution as a wonderful and inevitable thing. Imagine having a completely static sexual orientation your entire life? Boring! Being able to explore your sexuality with wonderful people of all genders is intensely satisfying and uniquely insightful, no matter how many others try to denounce what you feel in your heart or your loins.

I didn’t choose the bi life; the bi life chose me. And I am grateful.

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How to Propose an Open Relationship

By Malia Wollan

“Don’t bring it up during an argument,” says Terri D. Conley, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who studies sexuality. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to explore making it nonmonogamous, raise the topic gradually. Conley doesn’t drink, but she thinks these exploratory conversations might benefit from the loosening effects of alcohol. Start hypothetically. For example, ask your partner to name the most attractive famous people. “You could then say, ‘Oh, that person is so hot, if they propositioned you, I’d be fine if you had sex with them,’ ” Conley says. If your partner looks horrified at the suggestion, it doesn’t bode well.

Once you decide to make your case outright, be explicit about what you want, and say it clearly. Listen carefully to what your partner wants. To make what sex researchers call consensual “extradyadic involvement” work, you need to be willing to communicate often and with empathy. Monogamous couples move into nonmonogamy for all kinds of reasons — unmet sexual desire, boredom, illness, curiosity. Open arrangements tend to work best for couples with lower inclinations toward jealousy and, in the case of heterosexual pairs, less rigid gender norms. Just the suggestion of romantic permutation can be stimulating. The psychotherapist Esther Perel has found that when monogamous couples discuss the possibility of nonmonogamy, it often increases sexual desire between them. “You’re asking yourselves, ‘What would our relationship look like if it changed?’ ” Conley says.

If you can afford it, take this negotiation to couples’ therapy. Be sure to choose a provider who is amenable to the notion of open relationships; Conley’s research suggests many are not and that some core psychology theories of attachment, commitment and psychosocial development presume monogamy as the ideal. Since Conley first began publishing academic papers on nonmonogamy more than a decade ago, she has been attacked by other researchers in the field. Their anger confused her. “It was like I shot their dog,” she says. Her methodology wasn’t the problem, she says; it was that she’d dared to suggest that nonmonogamous relationships could be healthy and satisfying.

If both parties appear willing to try an open relationship, give yourselves a trial period. “If your partner is still miserable after two months, it’s probably not going to work,” Conley says. “In which case you need to decide if you’re going to stay with that person and be monogamous or leave.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“The onset of artificial lovers will make us question what it means to love, and to be loved in return.”

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Sex tech, teledildonics, and above all, sex robots are getting more and more public attention. Therefore, it’s not really surprising that the scientific community has also sunk its teeth into these topics. On July 1-2, scientists from various fields will meet for the fourth “International Congress On Love And Sex With Robots” in Brussels. Eleanor Hancock from the University of Liverpool is in charge of the press work for the conference. In our EAN interview, she grants us insights into the main topics that will be discussed at the event, and we talk about the research that is being done in these fields right now.

This (past) summer, the fourth International Congress On Love And Sex With Robots will take (took) place in Brussels. Who will participate(d) in this congress and what will (did) they discuss?
Eleanor Hancock: There will be a range of academics presenting this year, including myself. We are incredibly multi-disciplinary, with paper topics ranging from ethics to engineering. This is something we are incredibly proud of, as both sex robots and sex-technology must be considered from a range of academic perspectives. As Noel Sharkey, roboticist and chair of Foundation for Responsible Robotics suggests, the discussion of technology calls for STEAM. Science, Technology, Engineering, Arts and Math, especially since the implications of sex-tech and sex robots may encompass millions of humans!

In terms of specific speakers and paper submissions for this year at LSR, I cannot give too much away about the papers and the speakers – you will have to catch us at the event!

Why are these interesting and fruitful topics for scientific consideration?
Love, sex and technology are all very interesting talking points, so it’s no surprise that a combination of these concepts arouse considerable scientific consideration. Many of the concepts that are apparent in sex robots, such as emotion, intimacy and desire – may raise some interesting questions not just about technology but also about humanity. The onset of artificial lovers will make us question what it means to love, and to be loved in return. It will also broaden our scope of intimate partners, and even our sexual desires! These are all obviously fantastic talking points.

I also think that people are becoming more aware of how we are utilising technology in the bedroom and with our sexual partners, and sex is an interesting area within technology because it has historically been confounded to private, physical spaces. Sex has also been a particularly ‘taboo’ subject and continues to be so in many, many societies around the world. Topics around sex-tech and sex-robots have the power to push through societal norms and/or taboos, allowing us to consider concepts that we have previously not given much thought.

This topic can be looked at from different angles: philosophical, technical, economic, etc. What will the conference in Brussels focus on?
As I said earlier, the conference will focus on a multitude of academic disciplines, as the -tech and sex-robots incorporates a range of both scientific, ethical and philosophical concepts.

Eleanor Hancock recently graduated from the University of Liverpool with a Masters of Research in the Communication & Philosophy department

The media’s interest in this topic is quite clear. Hardly any product in sex toy market has ever caused such a stir … how do you explain that?
Sex-technology has been widely reported on. However, it does not cause a much of a stir within the media as sex robots. I partly believe this is due to media sensationalism about sex robots. I also believe it is because people are unaware of the technology currently being used to advance sex toys, and the sex industry. I think if we compare sex-tech to sex robots, the current teledildonic devices available far outstrip the technological capacity of sex robots, as well as being more accessible and affordable for all.

If more people were actively aware of sex-technology, I think there would be a much stronger focus on sex-tech in the media and the potential for positive outcome derived from sex-tech. Unfortunately, some webcam broadcasting sites who have adopted sex-tech tend to publicise ‘gimmicky,’ ‘click-bait’ news articles about sex-tech, which is not the concise and clear media-focus I believe sex-tech deserves. For example, Camsoda has commented multiple times on their efforts to offer “Download a BJ” on their website. Whilst it is obvious that the focus on such a technology impedes publicity more so than it does technological development, there are still some exciting concepts that are being explored through virtual BJ’s and remote sex.

The virtual BJ in question is facilitated and reciprocated through haptic technology used in sex-tech. Haptic technology is the term used for any technology that accentuates and creates the feeling of touch, by applying forces, vibrations and movement to the user. Haptic technology allows sex-tech to deliver ‘remote’ touching and stimulation, as well as being able to mimic the vibrations of music and be paired up with visual stimuli, like VR pornography. Of course, when Chatubrate speak about ‘downloading BJ’s’ the technology that facilitates such gimmicks is often overlooked in favour of ‘clicktivism.’

We rarely hear about the technology itself, how it is being developed and how it can have both positive and negative impacts. The reason for this is I think that the sex-tech market is still heavily saturated because it often colludes with the sex industry, where the potential for marketing a product/concept to boost sales through adult industry revenue is considered before the promotion of the technology itself.
If you want to check out more about ‘downloadable’ blowjobs, here are some articles that I found helpful in my own research: inverse.com/article/24080-camsoda-blowcast-blowjobs-teledildonics.

How would you describe the status quo in the development of sex robots? How far along are we in the development of a lifelike sex robot?
It depends what you mean by ‘life-like.’ Some of Matthew Mullen’s sex dolls look erringly familiar to our human-selves. Of course, they cannot move and are technological incapable of reciprocating any kind of human personality that could be considered even close to life-like. We are still far away from the development of a convincing sex robot that can mimic the persona of a human and be considered lifelike enough to evade the uncanny valley.

The creation of artificial lovers can also be seen as a philosophical problem. What effects can this development have on society and human relations?
There have been many discussions about technology and human relations. With respect to artificial lovers, the narratives of Sherry Turkle, Noel Sharkey and Maria Ashande are useful in viewing the range of issues surrounding sex robot lovers. Whilst academics like Sherry Turkle have discussed the loss of emotion surrounding technological communication and the isolating effects of technology, there has been no empirical research on the effects of loneliness and sex robots to date, so I am cautious about making sweeping statements against them. It is clear why many people feel that sex robots could isolate certain individuals in society and increase the likelihood of people rejecting conventional, human relationships in favour of an intimate relationship with an artificial lover.

Marina Ashande has offered a very valuable insight into the future of marriage alongside artificial lovers. She highlights how there are many cultural and historical values could be changed with the adoption of artificial lovers in society. It shows that the philosophical debate around artificial lovers expands far beyond the concepts of love, intimacy and emotion.

In 2017, the FRR [Foundation for Responsible Robotics] released a report about the future of sex robots and artificial lovers, of which I was a co-author. It highlights some of the issues that may arise from having relationships with robots.

One could argue that a robot or doll is just an object, like any other sex toy. What makes technologies like robotics or artificial intelligence different?
This is a very interesting question. I believe the difference between, let’s say, a vibrator and a sex robot, is that we are more likely to project our feelings onto artifice that resembles humans, or animals. Furthermore, a sex robot offers some form of ‘presence’ in the room, as opposed to a sex toy. We are more likely to anthropomorphise them, which harks reason for caution amongst some academics, for example, Kathleen Richardson believes the increase in our likelihood to anthropomorphise sex robots means we can project negative feelings onto sex robots.

This also raises the question: Should people have sex with robots at all?
I don’t see why not! Any technology can have a negative impact on wider society, but I firmly believe they have potential for positive uses.

The scientific and technical developments in this field are not only progressing rapidly, they are also becoming increasingly complex. Is there a particular development we should keep an eye on – a development which will be of great interest to us in the future?
As much as sexbots take the headlines, I think there are some great examples of sex-tech that have applications for wider society. For example, at a 2018 hackathon in Australia, the winning concept was an application that linked disabled people with the sex industry.

Whilst helping those with physical and mental disabilities access the sex industry may be a small step, the applications for sex-tech provide opportunities for people to reinvent and reengage with their sexuality.

My own research in sex-tech and the sex industry has highlighted that sex workers are utilising sex-technology. This is interesting for me, as not only does it provide evidence that shuns radical feminist narratives about the ‘victimisation’ of women in the sex industry, it also shows that women are manipulating technology for financial gain at very minimum risk to themselves. The narratives surrounding the sex industry have long perpetuated the notion that women put themselves at serious risk in order to profit from their bodies. The webcam and sex-tech industry have the power to silence such arguments.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Seattle Shibari as Art Form

Sensual, Stunning Rope Bondage

By Gianna Spangler

Shibari is an ancient form of Japanese rope bonding that is fueled by a connection between the person doing the tying, the “rigger” and the individual being bound. Its origins are intricately tied to the Samurai tradition during the Edo period (the 1600s to the mid-1800s), which remained in use regularly until WWII. Samurai used a martial art called hojōjutsu to restrain prisoners with cord or rope. In the late 1800s, hojōjutsu began to take on erotic elements, and eventually transformed into an erotic art form called ‘kinbaku,’ meaning “the beauty of tight binding.” In the West this type of binding is often referred to as Shibari. Those involved in the Shibari community experience rope as a transcendental art form, an erotic liberation, an immersion into new and fresh spaces. It is a beautiful display of the human body, defying gravity and showing angles of the human form that we rarely see in our daily lives.

Before rope bondage ensues, the rigger establishes boundaries in an effort to keep the tying safe, consensual and a wholly positive experience for those involved. The waltz between pain and pleasure characteristic of the BDSM scene is not the primary objective of Shibari, though it does play its role. There is an evocative tenderness that permeates the atmosphere at tying events, and what emerges is sensational living, breathing human art.

Display of the Human Body

To learn more about the Shibari scene, DOPE sat down with Averie, an enigmatic rope enthusiast with three and a half years of tying under her belt. When asked what it was about rope bondage that connected with her, she responds, “Shibari is beautiful and serene. When I first saw it, I was amazed by the stunning display of the human body. The connection between the two people was powerful and beautiful, like a dance. There is beauty in the vulnerability of seeing people in their most pure form.”

As a rigger, Averie takes care to receive proper consent from those she is tying. Miscommunications do happen, but she emphasizes the importance of minimizing risk through effective communication early on in the process. Communicating risks, hard limits, soft limits, wants, relevant history with Shibari and medical history are essential  when being tied, and understanding that it is not a “one size fits all” experience is fundamental to the art form. Different dynamics exist between different sets of people, and partners must assess one another and set limitations. Consent flows both ways, and when utilized properly, can give birth to transcendental experiences and mind-blowing sensations.

Out of the Shadows

Averie, like most of the community, would like to see Shibari brought out of the proverbial shadows. Most people who are involved with the rope scene have to live “double lives,” using pseudonyms and keeping their social media accounts private. Many do not want to be subjected to judgement from those outside of the community who disapprove of the kink/BDSM lifestyle, so they remain hypervigilant in their lives to keep the areas separate. Maintaining this level of privacy can be exhausting, but the tides have been turning in favor of normalizing kink and, by extension, Shibari.

Today, more and more people are opening up to the possibilities of kink as a lifestyle. Popular media is normalizing kink though films, television and other mediums, and kink communities have been multiplying across the country. Averie has seen Shibari in the Pacific Northwest grow in the past several years, and she is excited to see it continue to grow. She feels that “something magical happens when somebody discovers kink” and it is as though they are “stepping into the world for the first time with avenues of open possibilities.”

Shibari 101: Tips for Beginners

  • Start slow, determine what attracts you to the art form and your end goal for learning the craft.
  • Check your ego at the door. Accept that there is a strong learning curve.
  • If you are a rigger, frustration is inevitable. Patience is key.
  • When you learn a new tie, take pictures every step of the way so that it can be replicated.
  • If you are being tied, be sure to establish firm boundaries with your rigger beforehand.
  • Go with your instinct. If something doesn’t feel right, say something.
  • Learn about yourself: how to speak up for yourself, how to be in tune with your body.
  • Understand miscommunication and mistakes happen, and it is important to learn from them in order to get the most from the experience.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Young People with Learning Disabilities Denied Sex Education Due to Societal Stigma

by Ellen Hoggard

Young people with learning disabilities are being denied sex-positive relationships and sex education due to societal stigma, with 36% of professionals saying that sex education is not prioritised in their school

This Sexual Health Week, young people’s sexual health and wellbeing charity, Brook, is working with the learning disability charity, Mencap, to shout louder about the needs of young people with disabilities and support professionals delivering relationships and sex education (RSE).

The charity surveyed the professionals delivering RSE to young people with disabilities. Of those surveyed, 80% said they struggled to find accessible resources that meet the needs of young people with learning disabilities. A further 80% said it is difficult to find images that reflect the sexual experiences of young people with learning disabilities.

 

Despite RSE becoming mandatory in 2020, inclusivity remains a taboo subject. 54% of those delivering RSE said they cannot access training to help with sex education, while 36% say that sex education is not a priority in their school.

Richard Lawrence, Project Support Assistant and Co-Chair of the Sexuality and Relationship Steering Group at Mencap, said: “Some people are quick to judge people with a learning disability, like me, when it comes to sex and relationships. People with a learning disability have a right to choose if they would like to be in a relationship, have sex or get married.

“People have judged me for wanting to be in a relationship and have told me that because I have a learning disability, I don’t understand what a healthy relationship, consent or safe sex is.”

Helen Marshall, Chief Executive at Brook, said: “The reality is that lots of sexual health messages received by young people who have a learning disability are negative and focus primarily on risks and inappropriate behaviours.

“These are important aspects, but there needs to be a balance. If RSE is accessible, positive and inclusive, it can empower young people to become more independent, explore and develop healthy relationships and help to protect against abuse.”

Brook is using Sexual Health Week 2019 as an opportunity to start important conversations about sex and disability, challenging misconceptions and providing support to professionals delivering RSE.

The charity have created a hub of free, downloadable resources on a range of topics including; masturbation, same-sex relationships and pornography. Each topic is supported with further resources for young people to take away and continue reinforcing their learning.

Sex, relationships and disability

People with learning disabilities face multiple barriers when developing intimate or sexual relationships – including a lack of adequate RSE. Without this education, young people are being denied the skills and knowledge they need to not only have healthy, fulfilling relationships, but to understand and explore their own sexuality.

Teachers and those delivering RSE also face barriers when supporting young people with disabilities. As revealed in a previous survey by the Sex Education Forum, only 29% said they had received training in sex education, and a staggering 99% wanted practical advice on meeting the needs of pupils with special educational needs and disability (SEND).

“Back when I was in school, I only got taught the basics, like here is a man and here is a woman. I didn’t learn anything about consent, safe sex or LGBT,” said Lawrence. “It’s a lot harder for people with a learning disability to find out about sex and relationships because accessible information is hidden away.

“That’s why Mencap is proud to be collaborating with Brook to make a positive difference to the next generation of people with a learning disability.”

If you have a learning disability, or know someone who does, Mencap offers information and support about sexuality and relationships. Enhance The UK is a charity run by disabled people, working to change the way people view disability and for disabled people to be active and equal members of society.

Alongside their #UndressingDisability campaign, they have produced a number of resources and Q&As to ensure disabled people have access to the same support as their peers.

Brook and Mencap want to use this Sexual Health Week and beyond to normalise the conversations around sex and disability, and support RSE professionals to better equip the young people they work with.

Sex and disability needs to be talked about more. For support, information and resources, visit Brook, Mencap and Enhance the UK.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Practice Aftercare After Having ANY Kind Of Sex

by Gigi Engle

Aftercare refers to the time we devote, post-sex or play, to cuddle, talk, and care for each other. You may think this is simply “what you do after sex,” but it actually has important implications. In the kink community, aftercare is essential in order for both partners to feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world.

In my practice as a clinical sexologist, I’m a big proponent of all couples devoting time to post-euphoric aftercare so as to rekindle closeness, regardless of the play they engage in.

Aftercare makes for stronger emotional bonds.

Couples who practice aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with their partners than those who don’t. After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable. We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. “Everyone feels good when they know their partner cares for them, and what better way to show it than tending to them when they are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind?” says licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist Pam Saffer, LMFT.

“Prioritizing time [for] aftercare provides space to improve emotional intimacy, sharing and validating positive emotions. It really encourages couples to share open communication and express love [and] kindness toward each other either verbally or through affectionate touch,” adds Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important. While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way. The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.

It helps relieve underlying sexual shame.

While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages. After sex, after that delicious post-orgasmic high, your body can suddenly unearth the subconscious shame. This might be especially relevant if one or more parties was raised within a conservative or religious background

“Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame.”

Aftercare helps to stave off the post-coital blues.

Have you ever felt like crying after sex? You know, when you have a truly amazing orgasm and then feel sad for no reason? This is called “post-coital dysphoria,” or the post-sex blues. It’s believed to come from the euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows intense sexual pleasure. It is the brain’s way of recalibrating. Research has shown that nearly half of men and women have experienced PCD at some point in their lives.

Aftercare is the salve that soothes these sad feelings. “Sometimes people can feel alienated from their partners after the euphoric feelings from sex wear off,” Shaffer explains. “Aftercare routines can help them to feel close in a purposeful way.”

Have an open and honest discussion about PCD and develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure. You might want to cuddle, perhaps you want your partner to stroke your arm, or you might want to have a nice chat or a deeper conversation. “If you know there is something after sex that would make you feel better, then you need to speak up and ask for what you want. Your partner wants you to feel good, and anything they can do in aftercare needs to be communicated and shared with them,” D’Angelo says.

Sex is very fun, but it can be an emotionally fraught thing in addition to all the pleasures, so we need to take precautions to ensure that everyone walks away from the experience feeling positive and good about themselves. Whatever form of aftercare works for you is perfectly fine. Just be sure you have a discussion about it before any sexy time takes place. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex in 2019

Your guide to safety

By Dr. Lisa Lanning

Older adults live longer now than in previous generations. In 2019, retired adults might have 20 or 30 years of life ahead and might find they have a lot more free time and freedom than they did when younger.

In your case, perhaps you have lost a spouse or a previous relationship has ended. Perhaps you haven’t dated in a long time, but now you’ve met someone new and are considering becoming physically intimate with that person.

What should you know to keep your own health in great shape and reduce the risk of serious sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?

Use it or lose it: Health benefits of an active sex life

Many older adults crave the physical and emotional closeness of having a regular sexual partner. As we age, it’s common to lose partners to disease, death and divorce, and many older adults grieve the loss of their previously active sex lives.

It is understandable that when one loses a partner, he or she would still desire to express their sexual feelings, and it’s entirely natural to seek a new partner.

Most adults in our culture recognize that sex is an effective way to reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Baby Boomers – those born between 1946 and 1965 – reached maturity during the 1960s-1980s, a much more sexually liberated period than the formative years experienced by their parents and grandparents.

Many vibrant older adults equate better health with better (and more) sex and expect to have sex well into their golden years.

A 2007 New England Journal of Medicine survey of 3005 seniors’ sexual activity found that:

Three-fourths of seniors ages 57-64 were sexually active.
More than half of ages 65-74 were active.
More than one-fourth of those 75-85 years old remained sexually active.

So how do we navigate finding a new, healthy and safe partner later in life?

Older is not (necessarily) wiser

Although older adults are having more sex and with more partners, they are not necessarily protecting themselves from infections. The advent of drugs designed to treat erectile dysfunction and other performance-based sexual disorders has increased the opportunity to participate in sexual activity while also increased exposure for men and women to STIs.

Studies show that many older adults do not use condoms, and physiologic changes in the aging body (such as vaginal dryness and thinner vaginal tissue) increase the likelihood of injury and tear from sexual intercourse and other sex play. This can increase the risk of receiving and transmitting an STI. Men who have sex with men and women who have sex with women are also at risk of STIs and need to be aware of how to protect themselves and their partners while enjoying their sex life fully throughout their life span.

What’s the risk?

Something we don’t often discuss is that part of the natural aging process is a less robust immune system. Older adults are often prescribed medications that also suppress the immune system including many arthritis medications and other medicines for chronic conditions.

Seniors are also more likely to have diabetes, heart disease and chronic kidney disease which increases the chance of picking up an infection.

Between 2007 and 2014, diagnosed cases of syphilis increased 52 percent among older adults, cases of chlamydia increased 32 percent and new diagnoses of HIV also increased according to a global STI study on emerging challenges to senior health.

That same report found that between 2007 and 2014, 24 percent of HIV-positive persons were more than 50 years old, and more than 15 percent of new HIV/AIDS diagnoses were among adults over 50. It’s also notable that, according to an American Journal of Public Health article, the risk of STIs is higher among recently widowed men than for women ages 67-99.

It’s time to be smart. We can no longer follow “Don’t ask, don’t tell” when being sexually active as older adults. Ignorance is truly dangerous and can be lethal.

If you are concerned that you might have been exposed to an STI, please bring it up with your primary care provider. We aren’t very good mind readers, and while we SHOULD ask about your sexual health, studies show we don’t ask nearly as often as we should, and patients don’t bring it up either.

How can you decrease your risk of contracting an STI?

Condoms help – both the everyday male condom and the less well-known female condom. These barriers reduce exposure to potentially infectious body fluids and protect the delicate older tissues. Lubricants help reduce trauma to sexual organs by decreasing friction and thus tears and other injuries that can increase the likelihood of developing an infection after sex.

It’s also important to simply TALK ABOUT IT! Although these can be uncomfortable conversations, it’s critical that older adults embarking on sexual relationships have “the talk” with their partners.

Here are a few key points:

  1. Be nonjudgmental and approachable. Just ask: How is your sexual health? Let’s face it – you’re preparing to share something extremely intimate and satisfying together – it will be better if you can discuss your past experiences openly. Feel free to ask about past infections or other sexual health concerns and how you plan to manage the risk of future infections.
  2. Go get tested together. See your family doctor, internist, OB/GYN, PA or NP. Ask for advice. A little-known fact is that Medicare covers screenings for STIs, although less than 5 percent of seniors take advantage of this benefit.
  3. Laugh about it. Share freely with your partner what you do and don’t like. Don’t compromise your values. If you are both open to new experiences and trying something you haven’t tried before, go for it!
  4. Learn about sex! We are never too old to learn something we didn’t know yesterday. The internet is a fantastic resource, although it can be overwhelming. A particularly excellent website is the American Sexual Health Association, ashasexualhealth.org.
  5. Lastly, check out this entertaining and educational rap video by family doctor Shannon Dowler, “STDs Never Get Old”  You can share it with your partner to help you start a conversation.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Yes, latex can be part of a healthy relationship

Busting the myths around sexual fetishism

There are several misconceptions surrounding sexual fetishism.

By

People with fetishes have a sexual attraction to inanimate, non-living objects or non-genital body parts. Any body part can become a fetish, including feet, hair, and noses.

Most object fetishes tend to be clothing items, such as stockings, latex gloves, and raincoats.

Although fetishism was once thought to be rare, this has been challenged by recent research. A survey of 1,040 Canadians found 26% of participants had engaged in some form of fetish activity at least once.

As a fetish researcher, I’m often asked if fetishism can ever be healthy. The simple answer is yes. While fetishism was once perceived as a mental illness, this is no longer the case.

According to the current diagnostic and statistical manual used to classify mental health disorders (DSM-5), a fetish is only considered a disorder in the rare instances when the fetish causes “significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning”. This means the majority of people with a fetish don’t have a mental illness.

Despite fetishism no longer being perceived as an illness, my research has found people often describe those with fetishes as “unhealthy”, “sick” or “crazy”. This false belief is problematic for those with fetishes, as it can result in stigma and discrimination.

So if fetishism is not unhealthy, why do so many people think it is? The answer to this may lie in the myths that surround fetishism.

Myth #1: people with fetishes are dangerous

As part of my PhD research, I asked 230 people to describe fictional characters with fetishes, based on manufactured scenarios. The participants frequently described the characters as “dangerous”, “creepy”, or “perverted”.

But the DSM-5 states that among sexual offenders with a paraphilia (that is, a non-conventional sexual interest), fetishism is relatively uncommon. A paraphilia that would be more common among sex offenders is voyeurism involving observing an unsuspecting and non-consenting person.

Because of the stigma associated with fetishism, most people who have a fetish hide it. These people, for whom fetishes constitute part of a healthy sexual relationship, don’t come to public attention.

What does come to people’s attention are the extreme cases of fetishism that involve criminal behaviour. For example, the serial killer Jerry Brudos, who had a shoe and foot fetish, killed four women between 1968-1969. Brudos’ case was well-documented in the media and he became known as “The Shoe Fetish Slayer”. His story has recently been depicted in the Netflix series, Mindhunter.

Although rare, these cases foster the myth that those with fetishes are dangerous sexual predators.

Myth #2: people with fetishes need their fetish to have sex

It has often been thought that those with fetishes have a disorder because they cannot perform sexually when their fetish is absent. But my research suggests most people with fetishes do routinely engage in sexual acts without their fetish, and enjoy conventional intercourse.

However, we found people with fetishes often preferred sex involving it:

I can enjoy sex very much without the involvement of rubber household gloves […] 40–50% of our sexual activity involves no clothing/items/toys at all.

[Satin] material enhances the activity. So without the [satin] material sexual activities score an eight, with the material it scores an 11 out of ten.

Myth #3: people with fetishes don’t want or need relationships

In 1912, the prominent sex researcher Havelock Ellis suggested those with fetishes “are predisposed to isolation from the outset, for it would seem to be on a basis of excessive shyness and timidity that the manifestations of erotic symbolism [fetishism] are most likely to develop”.

In other words, he believed people develop fetishes because they’re extremely shy and don’t know how to relate to other people. But this idea is based on the assumption that people with fetishes don’t have relationships and fetish sex is largely focused on solitary masturbation.

In one study of people with fetishes, we found over half of participants were in intimate partner relationships. Further, over three-quarters preferred fetish sex involving their partner or another person.

i [sic] personally love to wear latex but if my partner does as well even better!!!

If I’m with a girlfriend, I like to see her dressed in a satin chemise […] I love the way the smooth slinkiness of satin accentuates te [sic] curves and shape of the body, and the shiny reflective element makes satin a turn on visually.

Myth #4: fetishism seems strange, so it must be sick

The main reason fetishism is often considered to be a mental illness is because at one stage, all sexual interests considered to be “strange” were believed to be unhealthy. In 1968, according to the DSM-2, a sexual interest was a mental illness if the sex was “bizarre”.

Because of this definition of healthy sexuality, any form of sexuality that was not considered “normal” was seen as a mental disorder until 1994 (even homosexuality was considered to be a mental illness until 1973).

In recent years, what is seen as unhealthy sex has changed drastically. There has been a recognition that just because a sexual interest is not appealing to everyone, this doesn’t make it a mental disorder, and does not mean the individual is sick. There are many different types and ways of expressing sexuality.

As long as the sex is consensual, and does not cause harm to oneself or others, there’s no reason to suspect it’s unhealthy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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On Sex and Relationships for Autistic Folks

By

“One of the greatest dangers that face an autistic adult is not having sufficient information to deal with adult issues,” writes autistic romance writer Dahlia Donovan on her blog. One of the big problems, according to Dahlia, is that the information that’s out there isn’t designed for autistic folks.

The Problem: Lack of Resources Specifically for Autistic Folks

“Sex education is almost entirely written by non-autistics,” Dahlia explained.  “In my experience, it does not take into account how our minds work. We tend to be literal thinkers. We don’t ‘read between the lines.’ We also aren’t good at reading body language, other people’s expression, and tone of voice. At least, I’m not good at it. That all, to me, plays into sex education.

“I think one of the dangers, in particular, are autistics need a more detailed view on gender, sexuality, consent, etc. We’re at a greater risk of being taken advantage of because the education isn’t there. Non-autistics take for granted a lot of things that we don’t necessarily understand.”

This article is just the tip of the iceberg about these subjects. I interviewed Dahlia, as well as Dr. Jenny Palmiotto, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of loveandautism.com, about specific issues related to sex, dating, and relationships for autistic folks.

“I think one of the dangers, in particular, are autistics need a more detailed view on gender, sexuality, consent, etc. We’re at a greater risk of being taken advantage of because the education isn’t there. Non-autistics take for granted a lot of things that we don’t necessarily understand.”
-Dahlia Donovan

In this discussion, it’s important to remember that everyone’s experience varies, as does what you need. For instance, Dahlia’s experiences may resonate for some and not others. Take what’s helpful and disregard the rest.

When the World Tells You to Hide Who You Are

It’s common for folks trying to “help” austistic folks to recommend being a little more neurotypical. This can include friends and family members and even well-intentioned experts. As a result, you might’ve learned to hide things that make you different, even with loved ones.

Jenny explained it becomes common in dating relationships for an autistic person to try and change or hide who they are. “Sometimes they’ll even people-please to keep a partner satisfied or appear as a formidable mate,” Jenny explained. “Those things can be damaging in a relationship. In my opinion, authenticity is core to a healthy partnership. If you’re not being your authentic self, there’s no way for you to get to vulnerability and trust in a relationship, and inevitably that’s not going to feel good for long.”

So how do you learn to be authentic when the world has told you to hide who you are?

Start With Self-Love

“If you hate yourself, then you’re not going to get to the point where you’re in a position to give your real self to somebody else,” Jenny said. “I think that having a healthy relationship with yourself is critical to showing up in a partnership and not creating a narrative related to rejection. In that, you have to have a decent relationship with your autistic self as well.”

According to Jenny, working on a deeper self-love includes figuring out what ideals or identities you’re holding onto that don’t serve you well. For instance, believing you need to be highly sexual, or more extroverted, or more feminine or masculine in order to find love and affection.

What ideals are you holding onto that are unhealthy? How can you work to let them go and love yourself as you are?

But this doesn’t mean you have to have everything figured out.

It’s Okay to Not Understand Everything About Yourself

Dahlia hasn’t completely figured out her own sexual or gender identity: “There’s this slight detachment I have towards sexuality and gender that always leaves me baffled by it. I was born a woman, and I identify as one, but mostly I’m just like — what even is gender … of everything I’ve learned over the last ten years, it’s taken until I hit 40 this year for me to say I’m on the asexual spectrum. And even then, I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely comfortable with the idea of a sexual identity in general for myself,” Dahlia explained. “I’ve spoken to many fellow autistics who experience the same confusion.”

If you feel like there are things about sex, sexuality, gender, or relationships that you just don’t get, you’re not alone. It might be helpful to remember that nobody has everything figured out regardless of whether they’re autistic. If someone makes you feel bad for that which you don’t know or understand, that’s their problem (and there’s probably a lot of things they won’t admit they don’t understand, either).

But, as we said earlier, autistic folks have the added disadvantage of sex education not being designed in a way that easily speaks to them. Therefore it becomes more difficult to figure things out.

So how can you educate yourself? Dahlia recommends asking questions in autistic communities. “There’s a lovely online community of adult autistics who are generally really open to helping other autistics. Autistic bloggers and organizations like Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN).

The Importance of Finding Your Tribe

“When we’re with our people, whoever people are, then we are the best versions of ourselves,” Jenny said. “We’re not doing the kind of pretending or faking or fitting in. We’re just being whoever we are. It can feel remarkable when it happens, and when it doesn’t happen, it can feel like physical pain.”

It can be much harder to find your tribe with speech and mobility issues, but there are online communities that can be helpful. For instance, Twitter and Tumblr can be a great ways to find community.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 5 things sex therapists want people to know

Female pleasure is equally as important as men’s

By Chelsea Ritschel

Millennials may be dating less, but that doesn’t mean they are any less interested in sex. 

In reality, sex is an important and often integral part of relationships for people of all ages, sexual orientations, and genders.

However, whether you consider yourself sexually experienced or are exploring sex for the first time, there are certain things that everyone should know when it comes to sex, according to sex therapists.

Sex therapy is a type of talk therapy intended to help couples resolve a range of sexual issues, from psychological and personal factors to medical hurdles.

Stephen Snyder MD, host of the Relationship Doctor podcast on QDT Network and author of Love Worth Making, told The Independent that the first thing anyone engaging in sex should know is that sex “is about more than just sex.”

According to Dr Snyder, couples frequently encounter an issue where they only become aroused together “if sex is on the menu”.

In comparison, the happiest couples, according to Dr Snyder, are actually those who engage in something called “simmering”.

“The happiest couples enjoy feeling excited together even when it’s not going to lead to sex,” Dr Snyder said. “In sex therapy, we call this ‘simmering’.

Simmering is essentially extended foreplay, “like what most teenage couples do in-between classes. Clothes on but definitely erotic”, Dr Snyder told us. “Simmering tends to keep the fire lit – so when you actually do have sex, you’re not starting off cold.”

This can mean engaging in foreplay such as kissing or rubbing, without intending for it to lead to sex. 

Foreplay is especially important because it prepares the body both physically and psychologically for when you do have sex.

Dr Snyder also told us that he wants people to know that “not all orgasms are created equal” – and that couples should aim to enjoy sex without focusing solely on reaching orgasm.

“Ideally, orgasm should be like dessert: a great way to end a fabulous meal, but hardly the reason you went out to dinner,” he said.

However, when it does come to orgasms, Sari Cooper, a sex therapist and the director of Centre for Love and Sex, wants women to know that “their pleasure and orgasms are equally as important as their partner’s”.

According to a 2017 study published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 37 per cent of American women require clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, compared with just 18 per cent of women who said that vaginal penetration alone is enough.

In comparison, one study found that men reach orgasm 85 per cent of the time.

Cooper also told us it is important for women to know that sex should not include pain. While there are various reasons that a woman may be experiencing pain during sex, with dryness the most common cause, that does not mean it is not normal, and those who do experience pain should seek professional help.

Finally, Cooper wants people to be aware of what she calls “sex esteem” – a term she coined to “articulate a person’s knowledge and acceptance of their desires and skills needed to express these to a partner”.

To achieve a healthy and fulfilling sex life, it is essential that you are able to discuss what you want from a partner, which starts with first understanding your own body, sexuality and desires.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Pros and Cons of Being in a Polyamorous Relationship

by Dr. Jenn Mann

A polyamorous relationship is the practice of having intimate, emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person with the consent of all involved. Polyamorous people may have a commitment to more than one person they are in a relationship with. It can also mean a committed couple has invited a third partner into their relationship, who would be considered secondary to the primary lovers. It is not just about sex, it is also about emotional connection and developing romantic relationships.

Whether you need to worry about your friend entirely depends on the kind of relationship she’s in, and many poly relationships are built on honesty and trust that do make for a healthy expression of love and safe environments in which to explore. Plus, it’s not as rare as you think.

According to a 2016 study published in the journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, it has been estimated that 21 percent of people have had a non-monogamous relationship. In my observation in my own clinical practice, this is becoming more common. For exactly what it’s like to be in a polyamorous relationship, I’ve broken down some pros and cons that tend to come up.

The Pros of Polyamory

On the positive side, people who are in polyamorous relationships have some great tools for their relationship to work well: communication and honesty. Whether or not you choose to be in this type of relationship, we can all benefit from these skills.

Honesty: Most couples who are in non-monogamous relationships tend to be extremely honest and transparent about their feelings and desires, both emotionally and sexually.

Proactive problem-solving: Non-monogamous couples tend to do regular appraisals of their relationship and discuss their observations with one another. If one person feels the relationship is getting boring or stale, these couples tend to process such speed bumps with one another and make a plan of action, rather than allowing things to fester unresolved.

Rules and boundaries: Non-monogamous couples have rules about their relationships, lots of them! They work hard to establish clear guidelines and boundaries in order to make the experience of sharing their love with others emotionally safe for all involved. They know what flirting, conversations, sexual contact, and phone contact is out of bounds and what is acceptable. Too many monogamous couples make assumptions about what is OK and what is not without discussing with their partner.

The Cons

Non-monogamy can have its downsides. Bringing a third (or more) party into your relationship can create a distraction from the emotional connection between the two of you. In my clinical experience, it dilutes the intimacy in a relationship when partners spread themselves thinner. Here’s more on the less-than-optimal conditions polyamory can create.

Jealousy: Eventually, someone has feelings toward someone. I have seen way too many jealousy issues arise and emotional bonds form as a result of what was supposed to be meaningless sex, or a primary partner starts to feel secondary and gets hurt.

No new tricks: Sacrifice creates trust and bonds people to each other. Resisting the normal urge to have sex with other people shows a level of commitment and sacrifice that makes the relationship stronger. Bringing a new person into the mix can prevent you from putting energy and creativity into your sex life and relationship with your partner. You’re no longer working to up your game and figure out new fantasies to explore, techniques to try, and preferences your partner may have that you haven’t yet probed — or worse, you’re doing that with someone else.

The wrong fix: Some couples turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons, thinking bringing a third into their sex life will patch up some different issue entirely. While the addition of others in your relationship may be exciting, it does not solve the longer-term, bigger issue of how to keep things fresh in your relationship and how to become a better lover to your partner.

If you are going to have a polyamorous relationship, make sure that you and your partner clearly define the rules, limits, and boundaries of your arrangement. Communication is of the utmost importance. In situations like this, faithfulness is defined by honoring those commitments and boundaries. Keep your promises, but also leave room to renegotiate, in case either one of you has different reactions than you expected. Understand that both partners must agree to change the terms of a relationship, and consent under pressure does not count as a collaborative agreement. If you think your friend has entered into this unconsciously or without her full consent, then yes that’s cause for concern. If she’s all-in and working to love all members of her relationship fairly while getting a bounty of love (and great sex) in return? She’s probably doing just fine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Bereavement

A small special gift for those who grieve

Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved -By Joan Price

By Rae Padilla Francoeur

The mind and body aren’t always in agreement. Someone grieving the death of a beloved partner can be gobsmacked by sexual arousal. Such unexpected, often unwanted feelings in the peak of grief trigger shock and shame, further traumatizing the grief-stricken.

Humans are complicated creatures, as author and expert on senior sexuality Joan Price so aptly demonstrates in her newest book, “Sex After Grief.”

“It’s time to talk out loud about sex and grieving,” she writes. “There are many books about grief after loss of a beloved, but they almost never talk about sex.”

Price consults experts in the field of grief as well as those grieving the loss of partners for materials for this book. She also draws from her research as well as her Grief Journal and her Memory Journal that she kept after losing her husband, the love of her life found later in life. She delivers a small, special gift to those attempting to reconcile warring emotional and physical responses during bereavement. What may seem like chaos is natural and normal, she reassures those in the throes of great emotional tumult.

Price, 75, lost her husband Robert Rice in 2008 and spent several years not just grieving but learning about loss and grief. She had four grief counselors throughout her journey from someone rocked by devastating loss to a generous and compassionate sage.

A knowledge of grief along with her expertise in the field of senior sexuality — she has written four other books on senior sexuality and is a sought-after speaker internationally — prompted Price to more deeply investigate the topic of sexuality and grief. Loss of an intimate partner can happen at any age. Grief isn’t the exclusive realm of the elders, sadly, and “Sex After Grief” will resonate with many seeking guidance and support after loss such as divorce, rejection or other circumstances.

The many voices in this book are smart, well-spoken and insightful. Grief seems to open an exquisite, poignant dimension where the bereaved exist in a state of extremes. Emotions, thoughts and experiences are charged and precious. Those transitioning from this stage are changed, says Price. And while they are vulnerable, apprehensive and unsure, they are also wiser and courageous.

Price’s “grief journey” lasted 10 years but during that time, she allowed herself many helpful experiences including forays into the realm of friends with benefits, erotic massage and online dating. She made sure, at every juncture, that she paid attention and honored her inclinations. Her decision to keep two journals, one she filled with good memories of her husband and one about her grief, gave her some of the material she needed to structure and write this book.

White-knuckle grief, “skin hunger,” guilt, disloyalty, loneliness and isolation, and even loving memories clog the path forward. Price writes of “halting steps” toward a place where grief exists but doesn’t always sear. Every loss is unique, every person is unique and, therefore, every journey is unique. Price’s chapters about myths, grief counselors, dating and “pilot light lovers” (those who ignite dormant passions) are all especially meaningful in that they explore experiences, sexual orientation and concerns.

Price speaks candidly about sexuality and the ways sexuality changes with age. The primary audience for this book, people over 50 (perhaps), will not be surprised by what they read. Older people know sexuality doesn’t necessarily diminish with the advent of age and age-related impairments. Older people happily accommodate. Senior sexuality still seems like something of a secret that Price is trying to bring out in the open. Wouldn’t it be nice for Millennials to know, for example, that their sexuality isn’t subject to obsolescence? People of all ages keep at it, often until a final severe illness brings a close to that part of normal and natural functioning. One of the key attributes of this book is an absence of hedging and judgment. Price has a way with candor. Sexuality is. And it’s there, even in dying and death.

Price, too, has found delight and pleasure in her sexuality once again. They exist in concert with a grief that has moderated with time and hard work.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!