Tag: Intimacy

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How mindful sex helped me through the pandemic this year

When Emma Firth had a sexual awakening, she was surprised to find an inner calm

By Kate Moyle

For me, a rather happy respite in this s**t show of a year was, unexpectedly, meeting someone and connecting with them sexually.

When the pandemic hit in March, establishing a routine was the most prescribed self-care tonic on my Instagram feed. Easy, I thought. Though, after a while, the Groundhog Days started to grate. Everything felt so deeply monotonous. Combine that with the onslaught of a grim news cycle, mute social life, and meeting anyone new seemingly out of bounds or, as one friend so deftly described dating this year: “If it were a banner? Bleak Until Further Notice.” It wasn’t so much missing romance, so much as much as the possibility of it.

But on meeting my partner I entered into a world of the good kind of uncertainty, as opposed to looming-threat-and-panic-in-a-pandemic kind. A flicker of hope and frivolity, in a landscape shrouded in doom and gloom. Our early courtship was more like being in a Jane Austen novel i.e. lots of walking and public encounters. Time felt slower, and sweeter, in his company. Similarly, when we’ve been intimate, I savour every moment. I am never thinking I should do anything. I’m just enjoying the meandering of sensations; the warmth of his touch, his mouth on mine, being fully present in my body. Here, I am blissfully immune to rules or expectations.

As such, the experience is all the more satisfying, and stress-relieving, because I’m in the moment. Like a good, long walk. The ones that are totally aimless. You amble up and down, maybe stop for a bit and then, somewhere along the way come across something so mesmerising that, for a brief moment, you just sort of bathe in its beauty. Afterwards, you feel connected, energised, restored. We’re living through an undeniably tumultuous period. Seeing our friends’ lives play out on our phone screens; comparison culture at an all-time high; professional uncertainty. Sex should be a soothing intermission. Free of judgement or external worries. And for me it is.

Before I met him, I was craving physical intimacy more than ever, like a lot of people during a year of U Can’t Touch This. The erotic friction that occurs when you know you are attracted to someone. Every moment titillating. Sex written in every look, hand hold, kiss, until finally your bodies are in motion. Like slowly, one by one, adding logs to a burning fire.

 It’s all part of the “sex dance”, as I like to call it. Or, as I’ve recently discovered it’s been co-opted, ‘mindful sex’. A term which is so hot right now, there’s a new book dedicated to it: Mindful Shagging: The Calmer Sutra by Rhonda Yearn. My first thought upon hearing this emerging lust-based lexicon? Ugh. Yet another thing to remember to be mindful about. Scepticism aside – I fully support the sentiment in practice. According to Yearn, it’s about “bringing our awareness” to this moment in time. Sex that “produces inner calm, tranquillity and self-acceptance.” Something we could all use a higher dose of in 2020.  To break it down further, mindful sex is a shift away from conventional mind-filled sex. The latter a fixed, goal-orientated concept. So often fed to us, be it through films to conversations with friends, that you’ve nailed it (pah!) only if one reaches orgasm. Being naked with another person is peak vulnerability, why add a layer of stress to such an enterprise? Not least in the age of Covid-19, a year that has been marred by a tsunami of emotional tension and pressure for so many of us.  Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist Kate Moyle offers up a useful framework here to “tune out to turn on.” First, try and take distractions out of your environment i.e. no tech (“our brains are primed to notice things [and] take in new information.”) Secondly, introduce sensory cues (“something like LOVE Sleep pillow spray from This Works, it helps create a shift in context”). Thirdly – and most importantly – “avoid putting pressure on yourself.”

This, I can report, has been the most significant shift this year. I am notably happier, in every aspect of my life, when I just ‘go with the flow.’ No rush to get to the next level. One of my pet peeves is when girlfriends want to delve into the-morning-after chat. So often it feels like a performance review. What was it like? What did you do? What did he do? And so on.

Sex isn’t a performance, it’s an experience. If I look back through my archive of subpar, um, sessions, they’ve always been the ones I’ve built up in my mind beforehand. Which is a recipe for disappointment. Like New Year’s Eve (my most hated day of the year). You angle it to be the best night ever, you will look incredible, they’ll be fireworks, the whole shebang. So that when you get to the big day itself it’s, at worst, panic-inducing. At best, mind-numbingly anti-climactic. Far better to just make it up as you go, take pleasure in the moments, as they occur. Be zen AF…quite literally.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex Flush

— How to Embrace Your Body’s Natural Arousal Glow

by Gabrielle Smith

Remember mood rings? Sex flush is kind of like that. Except it’s your body changing color because of a very specific mood: Arousal.

Sex flush is a normal part of the arousal cycle. It can happen during solo or partnered sexy times to all genders. There’s no need to feel shy about it. In fact, it can be quite hot! What’s better than being so attracted to your partner(s) that the warm and fuzzies show up on the outside?

Here’s the full scoop on nature’s rosiest reaction.

Usually, sex flush becomes noticeable when skin reddens or becomes more pigmented as you get aroused. In some, this change in color appears in blotches, and for others, it looks like a full-body, get-down glow.

Sex flush can happen anywhere on your body. But your face, back, and chest are the most common places for it to make an appearance.

Those with a lighter complexion are more likely to experience sex flush, as well as folks who have been diagnosed with rosacea. Sex flush is often less noticeable in those with olive-to-darker skin tones.

It can also be referred to as “sex rash” because, well, it can look like a rash. Don’t worry, though! It usually fades after an hour or so. If your rash is painful and long lasting, though, you should consider visiting a doctor.

You might be too distracted to notice, but we all go through a predictable set of emotional and physical changes when we get turned on. The fancy name for these changes is the sexual response cycle.

The stages of the sexual response cycle don’t exactly have to go in order, and some are completely absent (ahem, I’m looking at you, “orgasm”). Sex flush can happen at any point during this cycle, but it often intensifies during orgasm.

Here’s how the sexual response cycle breaks down.

Phase 1: Desire

You ever watch your partner(s) get dressed in the morning, eyes skimming the curves and contours of their body? Then, suddenly, you’re wondering how bad it would be if they were late to work just this one time…

Welcome to phase one! Desire sets in when you get that little tingle in your nether region, pointing you towards the object of, well, your desire. That could be a partner(s). It can also be your not-so-secret stash of sex toys.

The physical signs of desire are:

  • an accelerating heart rate
  • self-lubricating genitals
  • hardening nipples
  • skin flushes
  • breathing heavily

Phase 2: Arousal

Phase two typically entails the action. It’s also called the “plateau”. Despite the less than scintillating name, here’s when the buildup begins. Phase two typically lasts the longest, especially if you get creative. Arousal leads directly to phase three, the orgasm.

The physical signs of arousal are:

  • the previous phase sustaining or amplifying
  • sex flush
  • muscle spasms in the feet, face, and hands
  • muscle tension increasing
  • vaginal walls swelling and darkening
  • testicles withdrawing further up into the scrotum

Phase 3: Orgasm

Ah yes, the big O. Some say they see stars, some accidentally profess love. This phase is the shortest of the four, typically lasting anywhere from a few to 30 minutes.

The physical signs of orgasm are:

Phase 4: Resolution

And with all crescendos, there must be an ascension. This is when your body begins to return to business as usual. Erect genitals begin to settle, your heart rate goes down, and you’re delightfully fatigued, torn between the need to run to the bathroom and pee or enjoy all of your post-sex bliss.

Absolutely nothing! As mentioned, sex flush goes away in an hour or so. If you’re feeling self-conscious about it, put on a robe, keep the lights dim, or consider taking a shower to cool off.

If your partner(s) points it out (hopefully out of concern, not judgment!) reiterate that it’s totally normal and non-contagious. Actually, they were likely the cause of it!

If you continue feeling insecure about the redness, talk to your partner(s) about it. Getting your feelings out in the open increases understanding, and can bring you closer. Plus, a caring partner(s) will ease your worries.

If you’re experiencing more than just redness of the skin, or any skin discoloration that lasts longer than 2 hours, you might not actually be experiencing sex flush, and it may be time to book an appointment. It’s better to be safe than sorry, after all.

While your mind may naturally leap toward common sex-imposed situations like STIs and pregnancy, you’re not likely to show signs of either of those immediately after sex.

You might be having a negative reaction to lube, sex toys, or latex condoms (or, maybe your partner(s) has a cat, and your body is not happy about it.)

If it is something other than a sex flush, be on the lookout for any concurrent symptoms, such as:

  • irritation
  • hives
  • burning/stinging
  • swelling
  • blisters
  • bleeding
  • unusual discharge
  • fever

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Guide to Lingam Massage

by Eleesha Lockett, MS

If you’re familiar with tantric sex, you may also be familiar with the concept of tantric massage therapy. Lingam massage is a type of tantric massage therapy that involves massaging the penis.

The goal of lingam massage isn’t to simply have an orgasm. Rather, it’s to create a meditative sexual and spiritual experience.

In this article, we’ll guide you through what lingam massage is, how to perform a lingam massage on yourself or your partner, and some of the benefits of this tantric massage therapy.

Tantric massage has a long history of use as an instrument to help develop sexual and spiritual awareness.

Contrary to some modern interpretations of this tradition, tantric practices aren’t purely about sex. Instead, tantric massage therapy involves learning how to build up sexual energy to experience the pure feeling of pleasure.

Lingam massage, derived from the Sanskrit word for “penis,” is a type of tantric practice that involves massaging the penis and the areas around it. During a lingam massage, the body parts that get massaged are the:

  • penis
  • testicles
  • perineum (the area between the anus and scrotum)
  • even prostate

The goal of lingam massage isn’t only to reach orgasm. The ultimate intent is to experience full-body sexual and spiritual pleasure.

Being knowledgeable about technique is important for not only lingam massage but all types of tantric massage.

Here’s the best technique for how to perform a lingam massage on yourself or your partner.

Set the mood

Creating a positive atmosphere and mindset can make a lingam massage an enjoyable experience for yourself or for you and your partner.

Before the massage, make sure to take time to set your intentions and create an open mindset. Doing this can help establish the emotional mood of the massage and allow you to enjoy the experience as something both spiritual and sexual.

To create a sacred physical space that’s warm and inviting:

  • use fresh bedding
  • dim the lights
  • light some candles
  • put on some meditative music

This can help create a comfortable yet sensual environment before beginning the massage.

Prepare the oils

Massage oils help reduce friction and increase sensation during a massage. There are many different types of massage oils, including those with and without fragrances.

For a tantric lingam massage, a scented oil can help increase both awareness and arousal.

No matter what type of oil you choose, something natural and hypoallergenic is best, especially for sensitive skin. Popular natural oils to use include:

  • olive oil
  • coconut oil
  • almond oil

Start slowly

Start the massage by focusing on the peripheral areas, such as the:

  • lower abdomen
  • upper thighs
  • inner thighs

Move your hands slowly and intentionally across the skin, setting the stage for a sensual experience.

If you’re giving a lingam massage and you know your partner’s erogenous zones, massaging these areas can help spark that initial pleasure without moving too fast.

Remember, the goal of lingam massage is to take it slow and experience all the pleasurable sensations.

Work your way up

Now is the time to move your way from the erogenous zones to the more sensitive areas. Begin with the testicles, taking the time to massage this area as gently as possible.

If you or your partner enjoys it, the perineum can be another sensual area to explore.

When you’re ready to move on, move your massage to the bottom of the penis shaft, using gentle stroking motions. As you move toward the top of the shaft and the head of the penis, work slowly and intentionally.

Move inside

If the mood calls for it, and if your partner has consented to it, consider adding some sensual prostate stimulation to your lingam massage.

To find the prostate, gently insert a finger into the anus, angling the tip of your finger toward the front of the body. Once you’ve located it, you can use gentle pressure to stimulate the area.

For some people, prostate stimulation can even lead to a pleasurable prostate orgasm.

Practice restraint

When you feel an orgasm approaching, or you notice that your partner is close to orgasming, take a moment to pull back and focus on another area. You can continue this practice, called edging, throughout the massage for as long as you or your partner enjoys it.

If you or your partner orgasms early in the massage, that’s OK too. Don’t feel pressured to end the massage early. A sensual lingam massage can still be pleasurable even after an orgasm has been reached.

Savor the experience

According to some research in a 2016 review, certain sexual experiences are thought to invoke a trance-like state. With lingam massage, the full-body pleasure that one experiences is often enough to reach that state, which can feel more spiritual than sexual.

You can make the most of this meditative experience by:

  • taking it slowly
  • being present in your body
  • allowing you or your partner to experience both the sexual and spiritual nature of tantric massage

 

While a lingam massage is intended to be a sexual experience, there are many benefits beyond just pleasure. It’s believed that lingam massages can:

  • Promote full body healing. Despite their sexual nature, tantric practices like lingam massage are intended to promote healing. According to Buddhist principles, it’s believed that lingam massage can help the recipient heal from past trauma and align themselves with their spiritual and sexual self.
  • Relieve stress throughout the body. Sex is an activity that benefits the body and mind, with advantages such as increased libido and reduced risk of chronic diseases. When you participate in a lingam massage, you’re combining these benefits with the stress-relieving relaxation of massage therapy.
  • Improve sexual stamina and sexual experiences. Whether you’re interested in increasing your sexual stamina or just learning to enjoy sex more, lingam massages can allow you to embrace this in a safe space.
  • Explore spirituality and mindfulness. Experiencing something in the moment, just as it’s intended, is an example of mindfulness. If you’re a spiritual person, enjoying frequent lingam massages can help you develop that mindfulness practice.

Luckily, this type of tantric massage practice isn’t just limited to people with penises. A yoni massage focuses on sensually exploring the vulva, vagina, and other related areas.

Both types of massage therapy are intended to be a spiritual, sexual experience, so yoni massage shares many of the same benefits mentioned above.

If you’re interested in learning more about lingam massage, yoni massage, or other tantric practices, Embody Tantra is a good online resource to check out.

For those interested in taking courses on tantric practices, such as tantric massages, the Somananda Tantra School offers a variety of professional in-person and online courses.

To find tantra professionals near you for massages or training, you can visit Sacred Eros for more information.

Lingam massage is a type of tantric massage therapy that blends sexuality and spirituality to create an incredibly intimate experience.

When you perform a lingam massage, whether on yourself or a partner, the goal is to observe and experience pleasure in an almost meditative state.

Regular practice of tantric methods like lingam or yoni massage can help improve your libido, reduce your stress, and explore your sexuality in a healthy manner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Sexual Fluidity?

And What Does Being Sexually Fluid Mean?

By

Sexual preferences are not set in stone and can change over time, often depending on the immediate situation the individual is in. This has been described as sexual fluidity. For example, if someone identifies as heterosexual but then finds themselves in an environment with only people of the same gender, they might feel increased sexual or romantic attraction to those same-gender partners. Like any other social trait, sexual preferences, attitudes, behaviors and identity can be flexible to some degree.

Another related concept, erotic plasticity, is defined as change in people’s sexual expression — that is, attitudes, preferences and behavior. In other words, someone’s sexual response can fluctuate depending on their surrounding environment.

Simply because change occurs does not mean that women’s, or men’s, sexuality is strange, or, as has been argued in Slate, “confusing, mysterious, or overly complicated”.

Some people have been upset by researchers who study “sexual fluidity”, because the use of the term “variability” in the English language is a synonym for “erraticism” and “capriciousness”, which when used to describe women, can sound sexist. But a careful reading of the scientific literature reveals that there is no implication of women being any more puzzling than men when discussing sexuality.

Not the same as bisexuality

Most people would say they have a sexual orientation. But the degree to which a person is sexually fluid is a separate variable that operates alongside sexual orientation. Some people are highly fluid, while others are less so.

Sexual fluidity can occur in people who are definitively heterosexual or homosexual, but simply experience a change in their sexual response. For example, you may have a preference for a more feminine type of person, but then discover someone who pushes your buttons in a new and exciting way. You may still prefer partners of the same gender with the same feminine leanings as before, but with more masculine features.

Or maybe you crave a different type of sex. Consider a person who usually wants only missionary-position sex with one partner but then moves to a different environment where others around have multiple partners and engage in more adventurous sex acts, and now wants to engage in them. That person has also experienced sexual plasticity.

Bisexuality is defined as the romantic or sexual attraction to other people who identify as either male or female (“bi” meaning two genders). If you ask people who identify as straight, but then have sex with someone else of the same gender, this experience does not necessarily make them “bisexual”, but it does make them sexually fluid.

Research by Lisa Diamond contains examples of women who identify as predominantly heterosexual in their lives, but find themselves falling deeply in love with one particular woman, while continuing to identify as straight. It does not mean these women are bisexual. They have developed such infatuation only for an individual person who happens to be of the same gender.

Longitudinal research shows that people sometimes change their sexual orientation. This is a very important point, because it means that we can’t lump everything together and call it “bisexuality.” It would be counterproductive to label all of these different behaviors “bisexual,” because it would impede scientific research on the true origins and varieties of sexual orientation, as well as sexual outcomes and expressions.

Also, romantic bonding is fundamentally different from sexual desire. In the words of Diamond, “one can fall in love without experiencing sexual desire”.

Men vs. women

If you look at the data, a picture starts to emerge that women as a group tend to be more sexually fluid than men. For example, lesbian-identifying women are significantly more likely to have heterosexual sex compared to gay-identifying men having heterosexual sex. Heterosexual women are significantly more likely to have consensual sex with female partners in prisons compared to heterosexual men in prison.

But certainly these are statistical associations that are entirely relative, and the results say nothing about all women or all men. There are many men and women who show no signs of sexual fluidity at all.

There is some recent work that addresses male sexual fluidity. Consider a 2006 study that asked men to report their sexual experiences over the past 12 months. Results showed that among men who had sex with men, a higher percentage identified as “straight” compared to “gay,” and almost none identified as bisexual. This may be another example of male sexual fluidity.

Human sexuality is not supposed to be simple and straightforward. If psychologists claimed that people’s levels of introversion or neuroticism — two of the “Big Five” personality traits — fluctuate over time, that would perhaps seem intuitively obvious and uncontroversial. But because we are talking about sexual variables, some may assume they are stable over time. That, however, is an unscientific way of looking at the subject.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You can enjoy sex with erectile dysfunction.

Here’s how.

A person with a penis can feel turned on without an erection, and even orgasm and ejaculate.

By Kellie Scott

Many people with a penis see an erection as an important part of giving and receiving pleasure.

That puts a lot of pressure on sexual encounters, given 40 per cent of Aussie men will experience erectile dysfunction.

“People typically overlook the fact that a person’s erection waxes and wanes throughout the sexual encounter, meaning they may lose their erection, or partially lose it and then regain it,” explains Matt Tilley, a clinical psychologist and lecturer in sexology at Curtin University.

“Sometimes the person can become fixated on the loss of erection further preventing them regaining their erection.”

The reality is, you don’t need a hard penis to experience or give pleasure.

“A person with a penis doesn’t require a full erection to have a pleasurable sexual encounter. They can still experience high levels of stimulation and pleasure without an erection,” Mr Tilley says.

“For many people, this is extremely satisfying.”

So what can sex without an erection look like? We spoke with Mr Tilley and Dr Chris Fox, a senior lecturer in sexology at the University of Sydney, to bust a few common myths.

Erectile dysfunction briefly explained

The common causes of erectile dysfunction (ED) occur within two domains: physiological and psychological, says Mr Tilley.

While the risk of ED increases with age, anyone with a penis can experience it.

For physiological causes, the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners says ED shares common risk factors with metabolic disorders, cardiovascular disease and prostate surgery, for example.

Other factors can include smoking, medications and pelvic trauma.

“This is a key reason why anyone with erectile difficulties should consult their GP,” Mr Tilley says.

Psychological causes may include stress, relationship issues, depression and anxiety.

“Psychogenic causes are multifaceted and are likely to result from a complex interplay between beliefs and attitudes, and disrupted thoughts about experiences and sexual performance,” Mr Tilley says.

While you may wish to see your GP, sex therapist or other medical professionals to address ED, experiencing it doesn’t mean you can’t have good sex.

Arousal, orgasm and ejaculation

Broadening your definition of sex will help increase your ability to experience pleasure without an erection.

Arousal is more than just a physiological experience, explains Dr Fox.

“An erection simply means a man has an erection; you can have one for many reasons other than being sexually aroused.”

A person with a penis can feel turned on without an erection, and even orgasm and ejaculate.

Mr Tilley says the person will need to feel highly stimulated and aroused and have the motivation to achieve one or both.

“It’s important to distinguish the difference between orgasm and ejaculation.

“We can think of ejaculation as the expulsion of semen from the penis, whereas an orgasm may entail this but is also best thought of as a mixture of physiological and psychological responses.”

He says things that we typically associate with orgasm are euphoria and a heightened state of intense pleasure.

A holistic and explorative sexual experience

Broadening your definition of sex will help increase your ability to experience pleasure without an erection.

Mr Tilley recommends thinking about the holistic sexual experience.

“A sense of togetherness and intimacy is usually an extremely rewarding experience irrespective of the presence of an erection.”

Dr Fox says challenging the social myths around what enjoyable sex looks like forces us to try new things.

“There is more to sexuality than just than 6 inches! With the exception of penile penetration, everything we do with an erect penis we can do with a flaccid penis.”

Dr Fox encourages his clients to explore soft-penis play.

“If there is no chance of erection, it’s about playing with a flaccid penis using lubrication, and also exploring the genitals and body as a whole.

“Even the perineum and anus, the nipples and other erogenous zones around the body.”

Mr Tilley says kissing, caressing, genital play and oral stimulation can all be experienced as pleasurable whether there is an erection or not.

In relation to partnered sex, Dr Fox stresses it is something for both parties to work on together.

“The partner may not be the cause, but they may be part of the solution.”

Communication, exploration and a light-hearted approach can all help you experience pleasure together.

“Remember to have fun. Explore. The skin is the largest organ and the mind the most powerful organ,” Dr Fox says.

“Let’s use these more in sex play and enjoy our bodies and not just the penis.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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16 Ways To Turn On A Sapiosexual

— aka The Brainy Person You’re Super Into

by Farrah Daniel

A sapiosexual is someone who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing. Like all types of sexualities, people’s personal definitions of sapiosexuality may vary, but what’s certain is people with this identity would rather be turned on by what they think is your most alluring feature: your mind. 

If you’re dating a sapiosexual person and want to learn how to turn them on, the first step is to know typical seduction attempts don’t work for them. Their idea of foreplay, for example, is to hear about your book collection. That means you have to charm them with a sharpened intellect as well as your witty banter, comparative thinking, and curiosity.

Here are 16 ways to create the intellectual synergy needed to fire up a relationship with a sapiosexual: 

1. Pay attention to their unique interests.

First and foremost, know that no two sapiosexuals are alike, says sex-positive counselor Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC: “Being attracted to intelligence or intellect does not mean the sapiosexual in your life will be turned on by everything that falls in the broad realm of ‘nerdy.'”

An easy way to seduce your sapiosexual is to get to know them for who they are. To do that, Sweet encourages you to peruse their bookshelf, social media feeds, or even their Netflix queue to learn the kinds of content that stimulate them. “Your first instinct may be to drop a hot game of Catan on the first date when, in fact, they’d be way more into chilling with an episode of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos,” Sweet tells mbg.

When you can show genuine enthusiasm or curiosity in their unique interests, sapiosexual people will be more inclined to let you in.

To achieve the type of intimacy your sapiosexual craves, take the onus off of physical touch and instead explore their sexuality verbally.

“The brain is the most powerful sex organ,” explains certified sex and relationship expert Emily Morse, Ph.D., “and for sapiosexuals, this mind-body connection is crucial when it comes to arousal.” That’s why deeply discussing both your sexual desires and where they come from “works well for sapiosexuals because the biggest turn on can be talking about your turn-ons.”

Be vivid as you describe how you’d like to play out some fantasies, as well as generous in your expressions of how they make you feel—you might be surprised to see your partner respond to this much more than a lap dance. (Here’s our full guide to dirty talk for a little inspo.)

As you discover each other’s sexual appetites, Morse recommends a Yes, No, Maybe? list to help you learn more about preferences. “For many sapiosexuals, it’ll provide enough verbal fodder and foreplay for days,” she remarks. Once couples figure out where they’re aligned, “they can spend time deep-diving into why they’re into what they are [and] developing extensive erotic road maps.”

3. Plan book club and library dates.

There’s a big chance your sapiosexual loves libraries and getting lost in the large, expansive aisles of endless knowledge. Participate in their interest, but spice it up and turn it into a library make-out tour. Visit different libraries in your town—or take a day trip to one in another city—and spend the afternoon perusing and analyzing the titles you like. And, of course, sneak some kisses between the bookshelves.

Another option is to start a book club. You can make an erotica-books-only rule to set an intimate tone, but the activity can feel just as sexy if you wax poetic about science or history books. The opportunity to watch you expand on your views and soundly argue differing opinions will be their favorite part of the evening.

4. Discover culture together.

Sapiosexual people are eager to learn new things. When you plan the next date night, certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, suggests you feed their curiosity and take them to an art gallery, museum, or any kind of cultural center that provokes enlightening discourse. “Bringing a sapiosexual to a space that provides the opportunity to learn can be incredibly attractive [to them],” she says.

In addition to that, exploring these spaces together gives you a chance to understand each other’s interests. Sapiosexuals want to connect with their lovers by exchanging knowledge and philosophical beliefs, so they’ll relish the chance to swap opinions about anything new you learn together.

Yes, sapiosexuals are attracted to intelligence, but they don’t expect you to know everything. No one can live up to that standard (not even them), so don’t feel pressured to awe this person with your ability to keep up with every topic. Instead, tell them when you’re clueless.

After all, true intellectuals can admit when they don’t know something, and your partner might be impressed with your humility. According to Sweet, they certainly won’t be turned on by your attempt to know it all: “Performative intelligence will fall flat and likely turn your beloved sapiosexual right off.”

On your next date, be honest when you don’t know something. Your eagerness to learn more will be sure to turn on a sapiosexual, as well as the ability to flex their brain muscles on a topic they love.

6. Have a game night (but with a twist).

“Play Strip Scrabble, and you’ll find you’ve never worked harder or been more turned on by a triple-word score,” Morse attests. In this steamy version of the game, whoever has fewer points by the end will be naked first, but Morse notes that everyone wins in this version of the game.

You can try this with a game of your sapiosexual’s favorite trivia categories, too: Choose a certain number of clothing items for each player to wear, and then play as you typically would. When someone earns a point, they get to pick one piece of clothing for the other player to remove. Keep playing until the game is over, or when everyone’s as naked as they’re comfortable being.

An adult spin works for most intellectual board and card games, so try this with one of your choosing. However, you can also skip them entirely: Stroke your sapiosexual’s brain with a fiery game of debate. Not only will they be sexually attracted to your ability to eloquently express your perspective about a complex subject, but they won’t be able to resist the sight of you respectfully arguing your points. (Feel free to spice this game up with a strip-twist, too.)

Sweet recommends you find interests that intersect, then get creative to create an intimate evening that fires up your minds and bodies.

Are you both fans of Alan Watts, for instance? Plan a Watts-themed date night. “Write down some of your favorite quotes, and fold them into origami for your sapiosexual lover to open,” she suggests, mentioning a reminder to omit any typos or incorrect grammar. If it’s something they’re comfortable with, you can role-play, too: Sweet says to role-play as if you’re Watts leading a class. As you read his lectures aloud, pretend your lover is a sexy, brilliant student in the back of the class.

“Use your imagination, get creative, and go deeper,” urges Sweet. “Sapiosexuals love that!”

8. “Are you up?” instead of “U up?”

Expressions of intelligence are sure to gain the attraction of a sapiosexual. One way to show off your intellect is to ensure your verbal and communication skills match theirs. When you chat on social media, text or talk on the phone, or sit across from them at a coffee shop, the sapiosexual you want to woo will admire your ability to adhere to proper spelling and grammar rules in your communication.

Sapiosexuals are turned on by the thought of their lover being well read and well spoken—so before you send off your next text to them, triple-check your spelling and fact-check your argument.

The sapiosexual you desire wants to hear you talk about topics you’re knowledgeable in. “It’s often the authentic expression of someone else’s intelligence that is so intriguing and arousing to people who identify as sapiosexual,” Sweet points out. “If you’re really passionate about a topic, show your passion while you discuss it.”

Whether it’s your robotics hobby, your favorite French literature, or your interest in cosmic exploration, give them more insight into who you are, and speak vigorously about what excites you. Your expertise will arouse your sapiosexual, especially since you can teach them something new in the process.

Sweet says she can attest to this: “I remember being so hot for my 73-year-old sociology professor when I was a 20-year-old undergrad because he was completely passionate about what he was teaching.”

10. Documentary and chill.

Dinner and a movie is a classic date-night option for all couples—for sapiosexuals, however, the latest rom-com or book-adapted thriller may not live up to their standard of intriguing and examinable cinema.

Rather than a mainstream movie, watch a documentary from your couch or theirs, or buy tickets to the showing in town when a film festival rolls around. Sapiosexuals want to be captivated by the exchange of abstract thought, so don’t forget to hold a discussion after the documentary and compel them with your worldly views.

Sapiosexuals are people who want to explore attraction through philosophical questions, such as, “What’s the meaning of life?” “Do you believe in fate?” or “How does one attain happiness?”

“Intellectual conversation, exploration, and gaining perspective are all qualities that contribute to a sapiosexual’s level of attraction and connection,” Herzog tells mbg. Talking about what you do for a living and where you grew up are important, but a sapiosexual would rather know more about your insights and philosophies. “Plus, exploring questions like these really allows two people to get to know each other on a more meaningful level.”

12. Write a short story together.

If the sapiosexual in your life is a storyteller, ask if they want to pen a short story with you. Like the book club, you can dare to write an erotica story that makes you both sweat, but that’s not the only way to excite them during this activity. Since intelligence dazzles sapiosexuals, it’ll be a turn-on when you partake and do well at something that stimulates them. Feelings of desire toward you are sure to stir up as you adequately engage their intellect and create the art they feel passionate about.

Sweet explains that people who identify as sapiosexual value the mind over the physical and material—in that case, bring your “oral skills” to their level and read works of interest to your loved one. Whether you read Anais Nin’s classic erotica, 17th-century poetry, or a technical manual, Morse says when you read them a book, you’ll “stoke the sexual and intellectual requirements for many sapiosexuals.”

As you read, slowly pronounce and deliver your words to entice your partner to hang on to each one. “This is the sapiosexual equivalent of slowly undressing with your eyes,” emphasizes Morse. To send them over the edge, clearly articulate your words. And according to Sweet, you should be mindful of syntax, cadence, or rhythms that apply to the work at hand. If you succeed, she says, one set of oral skills may lead to another.

14. Pretend-host a podcast episode.

What is your sapiosexual’s favorite podcast? There may be a few, but learn one and listen to several episodes to familiarize yourself with the subject matter. Once you feel confident in your ability to hold your own in a discussion, plan to spend the next date night play-hosting an episode of your own.

All you need to do is download a free app to record the show, then decide which episode to put your spin on, or which topics to cover for the first time in the same style as the podcast show hosts. Remember this doesn’t have to be perfect; what matters is they’ll be touched you went out of your way to indulge their pastime.

The most important thing about the activity to explore taboo subjects together is to do so respectfully. It’s easy to get riled up in response to views that oppose yours, but no matter whether it’s religion or politics, “a sapiosexual will want to explore the depths of these topics,” notes Herzog. She also mentions these taboo subjects are not only incredibly explorative but also imperative to be honest about.

Face these controversial conversations, and let your lover get to know you on a more profound level—Herzog says your sapiosexual will love to dissect your perspective “and the different concepts that deeply shape who you are.”

16. Learn a new skill together.

Impress the sapiosexual you want to turn on and commit to a long-term activity you can do together. Learn a new language or complete a DIY project—either way, their attraction will grow as they observe you building something from scratch or witness your aptitude to learn quickly. Afternoons in the shed can easily result in you two in bed. 

However you choose to turn on a sapiosexual, the key is to lead with your brain and not your body. Like most people, sapiosexuals appreciate good looks, but it’s not what keeps them.

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6 Signs You Might Have Sexual Shame

—and How To Overcome It

By Morgan Mandriota

I recently uncovered, in therapy, that I have a shame-based fear of having casual sex; I’ve breathed in toxic sex-shaming messaging from a young age, dating back to middle school, when my dad and I had “the talk.” He walked into my bedroom, told me not to let boys get in my pants, then left. The message I received—and shame that came with it—has continued to define my sexual identity and has taken a heavy toll on my romantic and sexual relationships ever since.

“We pick up sexual shame from the world around us, beginning with the messages we receive as children from our parents, communities, churches, society, and culture,” says Erica Smith, sex educator and founder of the Purity Culture Dropout Program. A lot of the messaging may not even be overt or direct, though. “Most of us have internalized shame just from growing up in a culture that believes deeply that sex, our bodies, and our sex parts are bad,” says relationship and sex therapist Andrew Aaron, LICSW. “What makes the shame so insidious is that people are unaware of their shame: They don’t see it, identify it, or talk about it.”

Because sexual shame can fly so far under the radar, many may not realize how it can stand in the way of confidence, intimacy, and establishing healthy relationships with partners, sex, and self-pleasure. That’s why identifying the common thoughts, feelings, and behavioral patterns associated with sexual shame is the first step to overcoming it. Below, find six telltale signs of sexual shame and then learn how to overcome it.

6 signs of sexual shame, according to sex experts

1. Insecurity with the self

Sexual shame often manifests as a disconnection from the self, says Megwyn White, sexologist, licensed sex coach, and director of education at sexual-wellness product brand Satisfyer. “One of the key components to sexual shame is a break in the natural flow of personal expression and experience of the body,” she says. According to research, people who identify as women and who are not comfortable with the appearance of their genitals may experience a flood of intense self-judgment after sex or self-consciousness or body insecurity during sex.

2. A certain physical stature or diminished voice

Sexual shame can also present in how we carry ourselves. For example, maybe you frequently cross your arms, hunch your shoulders, slouch, or struggle to make or hold eye contact with partners. “The voice may also be affected in that there is a general inhibition to make sound during sexual exploration,” says White, who adds feeling uncomfortable expressing desires and needs during sex is a sign of shame as well.

3. Sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction

Sexual response typically reflects sexual energy (or arousal) that flows freely. “When shame is present, it constitutes a closed state in which sexual energy cannot flow to produce arousal, excitement, or orgasm,” says Aaron. Correlation is not causation, though, which is to say that lack of arousal does not mean shame is definitely present. Smith adds that shame can make communicating with sexual partners difficult, which can, in turn, make sex less pleasureful.

4. Trouble with intimacy and relationships

“Shame is expressed through avoidance or being shut down and inhibited. Each of these responses is a form of distancing from the action or activity,” says Aaron. In this way, shame can lead you to forms walls, limits, and boundaries that may make relationships feel less secure and intimate. “I’ve worked with folks who avoided dating for years because they were terrified of what would happen if they got close enough to someone to become sexually intimate,” says Smith.

5. Viewing sex as “bad” or something that you “shouldn’t do”

“Some experience deep feelings of regret and shame immediately after any sexual encounter,” says Smith, who notes she has worked with women who bought vibrators in an attempt to masturbate, then threw them away after being overcome with shame.

“The shaming of masturbation is damaging because as children, masturbation is our first method to connect with our genitals and sexual pleasure,” says Aaron. “When masturbation is forbidden, the training from young is to view our genitals, sexuality, and sexual pleasure as shameful.” Yes, sexual shame starts that young.

6. You’re uncomfortable talking about sex

Some people feel nervous, or a deep burning embarrassment, when the topic of sex comes up, which Smith says is a sign of sexual shame. The typical response to shame is hiding it, but that’s the same way shame grows. “It’s also why being able to admit to what you’re ashamed of is the first step in overcoming it,” says White. “Once sexual shame is in the light, it can dissolve more easily.”

The benefits of overcoming sexual shame—and how to do it

The benefits of confronting and releasing sexual shame start with pleasure. “A person is able to experience sexual response, get beyond sexual dysfunction, and perhaps the experience of high arousal and orgasm where that was inhibited prior,” says Aaron. And according to Smith, these benefits may yield more confidence and self-esteem that can give way to more effective communication with partners, better solo or partnered sex, and a newfound interest in kink, sex toys, casual sex relationships, or polyamory, or perhaps the realization that you have a different sexual or gender identity.

When you’re ready to uproot and release sexual shame, Smith says the first step is to remove yourself from the source and then—whether that source is a friend, parent, media outlet or otherwise—to set boundaries and heal. Therapy, sensual self-care, and masturbation can all help, as can educating yourself with books (check out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, Pussy, a Reclamation by Regina Thomashauer, and Sex for One by Betty Dodson).

Also keep in mind that in the early stages of processing shame, things can sometimes feel worse before they get better. “This is a natural part of the process and needs to be honored with a great deal of compassion,” says White. “We don’t want to ‘shame the shame,’ if you know what I mean.” Ultimately, sexual shame is nothing to be ashamed about—there are many ways to explore releasing it, and no one way is the right way.

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What is Somatic Sex Education?

by

The world of sex took on a whole new meaning when COVID became a daily part of our lives earlier this year. Luckily there’s a very handsome man you can turn to that will give you advice on how to live your most fantastic intimate lifestyle in the safest and hottest of manners.

Meet Court Vox, a sex and intimacy coach who for years has been educating his clients for a variety of reasons with one thing in mind: for them to leave more knowledgeable about their body and/or partner(s) bodies than they did before.

Court chatted with Instinct Magazine exclusively about his teachings and what goes into them, one being called Somatic Sex Education, as well as how COVID has changed his career and if he thinks sex as a whole has changed completely due to this worldwide pandemic.

What inspired you to want to become a sex educator for all kinds of people?

Sex has always been a form or personal expression, exploration, and connection with self and others. It has at times been easier and at others more challenging. I value all of the moments which have really led me to a place where I am very comfortable in my own sexuality in a way that allows me to keep pushing my own boundaries of exploration and curiosity. It is my intention in my work to create safe enough space for individuals and those in relationship to explore curiosities and questions, met with acceptance and guidance. I wanted to become a sex educator because I heard and felt the need, both in my relationships, and my community for information and alternative ways of connecting, creating intimacy, and exploring self through sexuality and touch.

Your process is called Somatic Sex Education. Can you please describe what that means?

My main modality of work is called Somatic Sex Education. Somatic means of the body and while traditional coaches and psychotherapists work with clients in talk therapy, I facilitate learning, healing, and growth through touch, body based exercises, and talk.

What do you find is the most common thing that your clients discuss with you in order for them to have a better sex life?

There are a myriad of reasons clients seek my guidance and some of them are: body acceptance, being more present during sex, being able to ask for what they want, wanting to create more intimacy with partners, exploration of sensation and desires, and working through trauma. Interestingly enough many of these themes and the tools I teach, translate into all aspects of life including intimate relationships, career, family, etc.

Do gay men contact you the most or is it pretty evenly spread between groups?

It is not exclusive, however most of my clients identify as gay men or straight women. When I work with women, I co-teach with a partner named Pamela Madsen. I have worked with trans women (mtf) and am very open to working with all bodies and orientations, and the people who find me are the ones who are meant to be with me.

What has COVID done for your business and has there been a peak or pit to it this past year?

This year has been mostly fruitful for me. It seems people who have been on the fence about doing any kind of personal growth work have really been confronted with the, “if not now, then when?” question and in full transparency, I have had a challenging time keeping up with the volume of people reaching out. This is a champagne problem for which I am grateful.

Covid has created some interesting hurdles as well, especially since my work is done in person and in close quarters. I have tested for Covid every week since April of this year as much for my own peace of mind, as my clients’ and I check temperatures at the door and ask clients to be aware of their own health. It has worked well.

Do you think the world of sex will forever be changed due to this pandemic?

I think so yes, and in a great way. Masturbation and self pleasuring definitely became a hot topic of discussion on social media with positive and shame free messages of encouragement around it. I think this is really the first time I’ve seen anything like that happen. As great as masturbation is, I think many of us are craving connection, touch, and sensation from others in an amplified way. The realization of how important touch is to us has become more apparent, as it has largely been taken away. As we come out of this, now is the time to try that thing you e always wanted to try, get better at expressing your desires in and out of the bedroom, and tackle issues head on. I promise, within those challenging issues are some really sexy discoveries waiting to unfold.

In conclusion what are you most hopeful for when it comes to your booming career?

It’s my intention and hope that our community and culture as a whole will start to recognize sex, sexuality, and pleasure as basic human needs that should be afforded to all. It is my hope that shame be removed from sex and sexuality so as to set ourselves free to experience sex and life in its richest forms. I think it’s possible. By way of this conversation, it’s already in movement.

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Why is my sex drive so high?

6 reasons for increased libido — and when it might be too high

By Sarah Fielding

  • If your sex drive is higher than normal, it may be due to a fluctuation in hormone levels, your age, or an increase in exercise. 
  • A decrease in stress levels or stopping certain medications might also explain an increased sex drive. 
  • There is no such thing as a “normal” sex drive, but if you feel your libido is impacting your relationships or career, reach out to a sex therapist or consult with your doctor.

While a high libido is often considered healthy, sometimes you might wonder why your sex drive seems higher than normal or has suddenly increased. Here are six reasons why your sex drive may feel unusually high:

1. Your hormone levels are changing

The sex hormones estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels can vary during your lifetime — but also within the course of a day — affecting your sex drive along with them.

For women, estrogen levels rise before and during ovulation, causing an increase in sex drive. Meanwhile, high testosterone levels in men have been linked to higher libido. High levels of testosterone are common in younger men and athletes using steroids.

A 2016 report found that being on estrogen therapies, like for menopause or bone loss, may be the reason for a higher sex drive in women. Additionally, if you’re taking testosterone with low-dose estrogen therapy for postmenopausal purposes it may also heighten your sex drive.

2. You’re going through puberty or aging

Those who are younger may have a higher sex drive than older adults. For example, testosterone production increases 10 times in adolescent boys, which explains the increase in arousal or interest in sex at that period in development.

However, middle-aged women may have a higher sex drive than younger women. A 2010 study of adult women found that people between 27 and 45 were more likely to think about sexual activities, have frequent sexual fantasies, a more active sex life, and more intense sexual fantasies than those aged 18 to 26.

3. You’re exercising more

One reason your sex drive may be higher than usual is an increase in physical activity or weight loss. A small 2018 study revealed a positive relationship between physical fitness and a higher sex drive. In fact, the researchers found that in women, arousal was heavily influenced by cardiovascular endurance. 

“Physical activity may make us feel more connected to our bodies and could increase self-image,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California. “When we feel good about ourselves, we’re likely to want to engage in partnered sex more frequently.”

4. You’re in a healthy sexual relationship

Some people may experience a boost in libido if they find themselves in a sexual relationship that’s more enjoyable than their past ones.

“If [sex is] a good and pleasurable experience, then it’s going to make you want to do more of it. If it’s a bad experience or it’s not pleasurable, then a lot of times people will develop an aversion to sex,” says Tamika K. Cross, MD, FACOG, an OBG-YN at Serenity Women’s Health & Med Spa in Pearland, Texas. “You’re going to want more of something that feels good, and that’s pleasurable to you.”

5. You’re less stressed

Your sex drive might be higher than usual because you’re experiencing less stress. Higher stress levels release more cortisol — your fight or flight hormone — which can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross.

In a small 2008 study, 30 women had their sex drives and cortisol levels measured before and after watching an erotic film. It found that women who had a decrease in cortisol had higher sex drives.

If you’ve recently noticed a dip in your stress levels, that may also explain an increase in sex drive. “Although sex is very physical, it’s very mental and psychological as well,” says Cross.

6. You’ve changed your medication

If you noticed a sudden change in libido it may be because you recently stopped using medication or decreased your dose. Antidepressants, in particular, can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross. In a 2016 report, 40% of people experiencing sexual dysfunction could attribute it to anti-depressant use.

Other medications that may hinder your sex drive include:

  • Anti-hypertensive medications, which are used to treat high blood pressure
  • Anti-mania medications like lithium
  • Hormones like Lupron or Zoladex

Therefore, if you recently stopped one of these medications, it might explain your higher than normal sex drive. Some people may prefer to discontinue or change a medication because it is impacting their sex life so significantly. Talk to your doctor if you think this may be an issue for you or your partner, as there are many safe alternatives to medications that impact libido.

Can my sex drive be too high?

Just as there is no right amount of sex to be having, no “normal” sex drive exists. “There is a lot of shaming language around those with higher sex drives,” says Lewis. People use terms like ‘sex addict’ and ‘nymphomaniac’ too often, she says, to describe others who have a natural, healthy sex drive.

Finding partners who have a similar sex drive can be a positive way to explore your sexuality, but if your partner and you have fundamentally different sex drives, that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.

However, “if your high sex drive is getting in the way of commitments such as work, family, or relationships, you might want to see a sex-positive sex therapist to find support on how to manage your sex drive without shame,” says Lewis.

Cross says if you and your partner are not on the same page, as far as sex drive, it can put a stress on the relationship. Receiving help from a sex therapist early on can help you and a partner find a balance that works for both of you.

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Aging and Sex

By Korin Miller

Sex advice is often geared toward people who are having it for the first time, but it’s understandable that you might still have questions, even when you’re a sex veteran. After all, your body changes as you get older, and you’re not born knowing how to navigate all of this.

>“Our bodies change over time, so it’s very normal to have questions about sex and sexual health at any age, no matter how experienced you are,” women’s health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider, tells Yahoo Life.

But figuring out your “new normal” in your sex life can be “even even more sexually satisfying once you learn how to navigate the hormonal and physical changes that occur with age,” Dr. Lauren Streicher, an associate professor of clinical obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever, tells Yahoo Life.

Whether you’re in a steady relationship or are single, experts say these are important things to consider to keep your sex life—and sexual health—in top shape, no matter what your age.

Don’t shy away from lubrication

“As women get older, the ovaries make less estrogen,” Dr. Mary Jane Minkin, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology and reproductive sciences at Yale Medical School, tells Yahoo Life. “That can cause [a woman] to be drier.” That’s why Minkin says that lubrication “is key” to having comfortable sex.

Lubrication is also important for lowering your risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs), Wider says. If you’re not well lubricated during sex, you can be vulnerable to experiencing micro-tears that can open you up to contracting an STI, she explains. “It’s important to be aware of this and to use personal lubrication products,” Wider says.

Use protection with a new partner

Yes, protection is still important when you’re older. And yes, you can get pregnant, which is why birth control is still important in your late 30s and early 40s. “While pregnancy is a lot less likely after 40, it can, and does, happen,” Streicher says. She points to data published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found that 45% of pregnancies in the U.S. are unintended. “Not surprisingly, the highest rate of unintended pregnancy is among women aged 24 and younger,” she says. “Surprisingly, the second-highest rate is among women over 40. In fact, unplanned pregnancies in women over 40 have recently increased because so many women in that group assume they are no longer fertile.”

STIs are still a risk, too, Streicher says. “You shouldn’t be lulled into safety, even if someone tells you they’re low risk because they just got a divorce or something,” she says. “Who knows who else they’ve been with?”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends using condoms to protect against the spread of STIS, nothing that “consistent and correct” use of latex condoms reduces the risk of contracting STIs and HIV. However, the CDC says, condoms, “cannot provide absolute protection.”

Minkin agrees that condoms are not perfect. “They don’t cover everything down there,” she says. “People can still transmit herpes with a condom, for example.” Still, she says, “they’re a good option.”

Keep up your Kegel exercises

Kegel exercises, which can help make the muscles under the uterus, bladder, and bowel stronger, can make sex more enjoyable, Wider says. “Strong pelvic floor muscles are important during sex,” she says. “Doing daily exercises can help strengthen and improve the tone of this muscle group.”

To do the exercises, Medline Plus recommends pretending you have to pee and then holding it. Relax and tighten the muscles that control urine flow—these are your Kegel exercises.

“The pelvic floor is challenged by pregnancy and age,” Minkin says. “It’s good to do these exercises any time, and it’s never too early to start.”

Take your time during sex

This is important at any age, Minkin says. “Most women need time to get things going, and many women and their partners are unaware of that,” she says. She recommends that couples start slowly and incorporate elements of touch and relaxation in foreplay, like giving a gentle massage.

Wider says patience during sex is also crucial. “Many women take longer to reach [climax] when compared with a male partner,” she says. “Giving yourself time to climax is important to sexual satisfaction.”

Get your HPV vaccine

The vaccine against human papillomavirus (HPV), an STI that’s linked to certain forms of cancer, is largely recommended for people under the age of 26, per the CDC. However, people up to age 45 who are not vaccinated may decide to have the vaccine to lower their risk of contracting HPV. “I advise women to get the vaccine, particularly if they’re newly single and not in a monogamous relationship,” Streicher says.

While the HPV vaccine has been tested in and approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for use in people up to age 45, Streicher says she will sometimes give it to patients who are older than that if they’re at a higher risk of contracting HPV. If you’re unsure if you need this, she recommends talking to your doctor.

Get tested for STIs

If you have multiple sexual partners, Minkin recommends that both you and your partners get tested regularly. “There is no absolutely safe hookup,” she says. The CDC recommends that all adults up to age 64 get tested at least once for HIV, and that sexually active women with risk factors like new or multiple sex partners get tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year.

Have open communication with your partner</strong

This is a big one, per Minkin. “One of the problems with satisfying sex is boredom,” she says. Minkin recommends having regular conversations with your partner about what you do and don’t like in bed. “If there’s no communication, there’s not going to be good sex,” she says. “Talking and working to liven things up is a good thing.”

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How The Pandemic Has Changed Our Sexuality

By Kim Elsesser

Sex lives have changed dramatically since last March.  Sales of sex toys are on the rise and a new survey reveals that singles are turning to masks, videos and roommates to help meet their sexual needs while staying safe from Covid-19. For couples, increased time together can mean more freedom for intimacy, but the increased stress from the pandemic can also be a libido killer. Here’s the scoop on what has changed in the last seven months.

A new Singles in America survey from Match confirms that sexual behavior has changed dramatically since the pandemic took hold.  Although many are abstaining from sex completely (Match reports that 71% of singles haven’t had sex since the pandemic started), other singles are turning to roommates to meet their intimacy needs. Of the singles who have been sexually active during the pandemic, almost a quarter of them (24%) reported having sex with a non-romantic roommate. The percentage hooking up with a roommate was higher for the younger generations, with a whopping 46% of Gen Z and 33% of Millennials saying they had sex with a non-romantic roommate. Even local governments have been encouraging roommate sex. New York City told its residents who were looking to stay safe from Covid-19, that “you are your safest sex partner,” adding, “the next safest partner is someone you live with.” While roommate sex may limit virus exposure, it does seem fraught with other pitfalls.

Sexologists call a shift in behavior, like this move to roommate sex, situational sexual behavior. Dr. Helen Fisher, Match’s scientific advisor on the survey, describes, “Situation sexual behavior is sexual behavior that one expresses in situations or circumstances in which they are unable to express their normal, preferred patterns of sexuality. It is common among prisoners, among those in other confining institutions, in wartime settings, among travelers in unfamiliar places and in other situations in which an individual is not able to pursue their normal and/or preferred habits, behaviors and patterns of sexuality.”

Sales of sex toys have also increased during the pandemic. In April, just after the shutdown started, Wow Tech Group, owner of We-Vibe and Womanizer, reported online sales for both brands had increased over 200% compared to last year. On the day that the WHO declared Covid-19 a pandemic, Adult Toy Megastore saw sales triple in New Zealand, Australia, and Britain. Emily Writes, a spokesperson for the Megastore, told The Guardian, “We’re selling a lot of beginner toys … all our beginner ranges are very popular. It definitely looks like people are saying: ‘I’ve got time, I might try something new.’”

Rachel Braun Scherl, vagipreneur (her trademarked label for someone in the business of female sexual health) and managing partner at SPARKS Solutions for Growth says part of the increase in sex toy use is due to logistical realities during the pandemic. “People are with their partners hours and hours more every day than they have been for years. No one is traveling, no one is going out to dinner, the physical proximity is greater, so there are many more opportunities for engaging in intimacy,” she says.

The increase in sex toy sales is also likely related to an increase in self-pleasure during the pandemic. Scherl says one reason may be the additional focus on health and wellness during the pandemic. “We’re hearing so much during the pandemic about self-care and how important that is. And that narrative has been extended to include pleasure, ” she says. Adding one more potential reason for the uptick in self-pleasure, she says, “It’s also much scarier to be dating casually right now. In place of casual sexual encounters, people are now focusing on self-pleasure.”

For those who are engaging in sex with those outside of their households, there has been a shift as well. In September, the Chief Public Health Officer of Canada, Dr. Theresa Tam, issued a statement that included recommendations for those having sex with anyone outside of the household. Tam writes,  “Sex can be complicated in the time of Covid-19, especially for those without an intimate partner in their household or whose sexual partner is at higher risk for Covid-19. Like other activities during Covid-19 that involve physical closeness, there are some things you can do to minimize the risk of getting infected and spreading the virus.” She recommends skipping the kissing and wearing a mask.

Match didn’t ask about mask-wearing during sex specifically, but 20% of singles in their survey report wearing mask throughout their dates. Singles have also adopted other safety measures, like video screening of potential dates. Match reports that 68% of singles reported using video dating to determine whether they wanted to meet someone in real life, and video dating has increased 25% in the last three years.

In order to stay safe, singles could also be asking potential dates to be tested for the virus prior to intimacy. “Where they used to say, show me your HIV test, now they could be asking, ‘please show me your negative Covid test,’” Scherl says. There’s also evidence people are talking to their partners about the extent of their potential exposure to the virus. Dr. Abraar Karan of Harvard Medical School agrees and suggested to NPR that daters should approach the conversation about their partner’s health the same way they would talk about sexually transmitted diseases before being intimate with someone for the first time.

It’s also important to note that not everyone is increasing their sexual activity during the pandemic. “There are people who are going to town and having more sex and buying more toys, and there are people for whom the stress of the pandemic is so great it has the opposite reaction,” Scherl says. In particular, stress related to family health or financial stress incurred during the pandemic can have a negative impact on libido.

Scherl believes the best news about sexuality in pandemic times is the greater emphasis on women’s health and the impact that sexual behavior can have on health. She adds another benefit, “Sexual health and sexual pleasure and sexual enjoyment are becoming much more comfortable topics in our society.” Openness and more discussion about these topics will hopefully lead to better health outcomes and more enjoyment.

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Dating All Genders for the First Time?

Here’s Where To Start.

Explore dating new people with care and compassion front of mind.

by Taylor Hartman

Sara Saito was nervous. Her palms were sweating as she sat at a crowded bar, waiting for her date.

Saito had been in the U.S. for a semester studying business abroad at the University of Utah, and she was about to go on her first real date since starting school.

The date itself wasn’t what was giving Saito nerves — after all, she’d dated people in high school and had a boyfriend for a year.

She was nervous because after struggling with her sexual identity for years, this was the first time she was going on a date with a woman.

“I’d always been attracted to women but I was too scared of the unknown,” Saito said. “I’m a pretty shy person, so doing something social that’s new is scary for me.”

As a single person in a new city, Saito said she was finally ready to better understand herself and explore dating a wider variety of people. When she first found out she wanted to start date women, Saito felt lost, unsure of where to look or how to begin.

“I can download Tinder and change the gender to women, but for me, I was still nervous,” Saito said.

“What if I say the wrong thing or break a ‘rule?’ What if I find out I am less attracted to girls [than I thought]? Those were real concerns for me because I was so new to everything, it all was overwhelming and scary.”

Ready to date different genders? Self knowledge is key

Like Saito, many young people feel more comfortable with exploring their sexuality these days, but navigating a new social landscape can be a scary prospect.

For mental health experts like Sorin Thomas, exploring and understanding one’s gender is a beautiful part of life. But it should be done with care and other people’s well-being in mind, and always remembering hearts are at stake.

Thomas is the founding and executive director of QUEER ASTERISK, a Colorado-based nonprofit organization providing queer-informed counseling services, educational training and community programming.

“When we explore dating different genders the danger is people can get tokenized,” Thomas says,

“And then that could become further harmful when the person doesn’t have a good framework for how to validate another person’s gender, body, sexual identity and more.”

Thomas points out if a person isn’t sure what gender they’re attracted to, it may not be the best time to experiment with other people.

“It comes from that person unlocking things in themselves first,” Thomas said.

Get rid of misconceptions in you and others

One of the most common misunderstandings Thomas sees in counseling queer individuals and their families is that biological sex, gender and sexual orientation are all the same part of a person’s identity. In reality, the notions of gender, sex and attraction are much more nuanced, and often act independently of each other.

For example, Thomas said many people assume a transgender man would identify as heterosexual.

“The parent who’s saying something in their head like, ‘Gosh, I can’t imagine my child as a trans boy, they’ve always been attracted to boys,'” Thomas said.

“We try to help people understand that these things aren’t determined by each other.”

Thomas says the first step in dating new genders is to do some self-searching, and find out how you may identify, and how your biology, gender, and sexuality relate. When we understand how we’re oriented in the world, we can better understand how other people are.

Find inclusive resources and communities

No matter who we date, getting out there and meeting potential partners is a challenge. For folks who are just starting to date all genders, the usual resources for meeting people can be overwhelming.

Jake Arnold came out of the closet in December 2018, his senior year of college.

“I decided to download Grindr because I figure that’s where I’d meet people,” Arnold said.

“I was immediately bombarded with d*** pics and messages of people wanting to hook up. It was overwhelming.”

Arnold took a step back from Grindr and decided to research other dating platforms that were queer-friendly. He joined OkCupid, an app long hailed as an inclusive dating service, and felt less pressured. He eventually met his boyfriend on the site.

Arnold now volunteers with his local pride organization to provide a safe, pressure-free space for queer people — a space he felt he missed.

“I know how scary it is to come out and start looking,” Arnold said. “I want to be there for those people who are scared and say ‘I know what you’ve been through, I know how crazy gay dating can get, here’s what I did.”

Dating services and resources tailored to include queer people are becoming more common, Thomas said. At the end of the day, it’s important to realize that one’s sexual journey is just that — a journey.

Most of the time, we never arrive exactly where we thought we would, and the journey itself is something to celebrate.

“No one is a polished finished product,” Thomas said. “Trying something is messy. But to be able to do this with as much grace and integrity as possible is really great.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Case for Being Upfront About Your Sexuality On the First Date

If you don’t exclusively date one gender, it can be tricky to know when it’s time to come out to a new potential partner. Here, tips for doing it, and why you might want to sooner rather than later.

By Gabrielle Kassel

It was the end of the first date. So far, things had been going well. We’d touched on dating histories, confirmed our compatible relationship orientations (both monogamous), discussed our individual vices, bonded over a shared love of yoga and CrossFit, and giddily shared photos of our furbabies. I was definitely connecting with this man — we’ll call him Derek — but there was still one major thing we hadn’t yet talked about: My bisexuality.

My previous partner had pretended that my dating resume didn’t feature folks of various genders, and our silence about it contributed to me not feeling queer enough. I wanted to avoid that dynamic again, so on date number one with Derek, I said it plainly.

“It’s really important to me that you understand that I am bisexual and that I will still be bisexual if we date.”

Like the rockstar he is, Derek responded, “Of course, being with me isn’t going to change your sexual orientation.” He and I went on to date for nearly a year. While we’ve since broken up (due to mismatched long-term goals), I strongly believe that sharing my sexuality with him from the beginning is part of why I felt so loved and seen when we were dating.

Because of that, I’ve since made it a rule to come out as bisexual on the first date (and sometimes, even earlier). And guess what? Experts agree. Both psychotherapist and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T. and licensed professional counselor Maggie McCleary, L.G.P.C., who specializes in queer-inclusive services, say that coming out to a potential partner sooner rather than later is a good move — so long as you feel safe doing so.

Read on to learn the benefits of coming out to a new potential partner ASAP. Plus, tips for how to handle it, whether you’re bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or any other part of the queer rainbow.

The Benefit of Coming Out On a First Date

“Sharing your sexuality allows your potential partner to get the fullest picture of you as early as possible,” says McCleary. “And for a relationship to be healthy, you want to be able to be your full self,” they say.

Coming out also allows you to see if the person will be accepting of your sexuality. If you come out to your date and they don’t respond well or you get a sense that they won’t, “that’s a sign that they aren’t someone who isn’t going to accept all of you,” says McCleary. And in an ideal, healthy relationship you want (and need!) that acceptance.

Note: “If they don’t respond well and that’s not a deal-breaker for you, then there might be other things you need assess internally,” considering that signals you’re willingly entering into a potentially unhealthy relationship, says McCleary. (For that, a queer-inclusive mental health professional may be helpful. You can find one on Psychology Today.)

Coming out right away also saves you from the anxiety of *not* being out to somebody you’re going to continue dating. “The longer you avoid sharing your sexuality with them, the more anxious you can become about how they’re going to respond,” explains McCleary.

Considering anxiety is often accompanied by emotional symptoms such as feelings of sadness, panic, or fear, and even physical symptoms, that’s — understatement alert — no good. (See More: What Anxiety Disorder Is—And What It Isn’t ?)

What If I Don’t Feel Safe Coming Out — Or They Respond Poorly?

First things first, remember that you never need to come out! “You never owe coming out to anyone — and you especially don’t owe it to someone you’re on a first date with,” says Wright.

So if you don’t want to tell them, don’t. Or if your gut is telling you this person *isn’t* accepting, don’t. In fact, in the latter case, McCleary says you absolutely have permission to leave the date right smack dab in the middle.

You might say:

  • “What you just said is a dealbreaker for me, so I’m going to respectfully remove myself from this situation.”
  • “It’s a rule for me not to date transphobes and what you just said is transphobic, so I’m going to call off the rest of this date.”
  • “That comment doesn’t sit well in my gut, so I’m going to excuse myself.”

Can you stick the date out until the end and then send a similarly-worded text when you get home? Sure. “Your safety has to be your number one priority, but there’s no wrong way to prioritize your safety, so long as you do,” says Wright.

What If They’re Accepting…But Don’t Know Much About Being LGBTQ+?

If the person you’re on a date with isn’t familiar with what it means to be LGBTQ+, whether you continue to date them is really personal decision. It ultimately it comes down to two main things.

First, how much emotional labor do you want to put into educating this person about your identities? If, for example, you’re you’re still exploring your own bisexuality, learning about bisexuality with your new boo could be a fun bonding activity. But, if you’ve been a bisexual activist for decades or teach about LGBTQ+ history for work, you may have less interest in taking on an educational role in your relationship.

Second, how important is it to you that the people you’re dating be both accepting of and knowledgeable about your queerness? “If you’re incredibly involved in your local LGBTQ community, it may be much more important to you to date someone who understands bisexuality than someone who’s bisexuality hasn’t played as big a role in their social circles or life,” says Wright.

How to Come Out On the First Date (or Even Before That)

These tips prove that coming out doesn’t have to be as daunting as it sounds.

1. Put it in your dating profiles.

With social distancing orders still in place, the opportunities to meet folks at the bar or gym have dwindled. So if you’re meeting new potential lovers, odds are high it’s happening on apps. In that case, McCleary recommends putting your sexuality right in your profile.

These days, most dating apps (Tinder, Feeld, OKCupid, etc.) make it easy, allowing you to choose from a wide variety of gender and sexuality markers that’ll appear right in your profile. Tinder, for instance, allows daters to select up to three terms that best describe their sexual orientation, including straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, pansexual, queer, and questioning.

“You can also signal more subtly with the rainbow 🌈, rainbow flag emojis 🏳️‍🌈, or hearts the color of the bisexual pride flag 💗💜💙,” says McCleary.

If you’re currently exploring your sexuality and haven’t yet settled on a label (or many), you can write as much in your profile, notes Wright. For example:

  • “Exploring my sexuality and looking for friends and lovers who want to come along on the journey.”
  • “Recently came out as not straight and here to explore what that means to me.”
  • “Homophobes, misogynists, racists, and biphobes please do this fluid babe a favor and swipe left.”

“Displaying your sexuality right from the get-go will alleviate any of the pressure or anxiety you have around needing to come out on the first date,” says McCleary. If they swipe right, they already know your sexuality because it was right there in your profile. Plus, it acts as some kind of asshole filter, keeping you from matching with folks who won’t accept you.

2. Share your socials.

Are you out on social media — meaning you frequently talk about your sexuality when you post on social? If so, Wright recommends sharing your social media handles ahead of meeting up in person. (You can also consider doing a quick video chat first date to judge this and your general chemistry as well.)

“Obviously, an online persona is only a small portion of who I am as a person, but I’m active on Instagram so sharing my handle is a great way for someone to learn that I’m bisexual, queer and polyamorous… while also getting a feel of my overall energy,” explains Wright.

3. Slip it in casually.

Did your recent match ask you if you’ve seen any good movies recently? Did they ask you what you’re reading? Answer them honestly, but nod to your sexuality while you do so.

For example: “I’m queer, so I’m a big fan of queer documentaries and I just watched Disclosure,” or, “since I came out as bisexual, I’ve been reading bi memoirs nonstop. I just finished Tomboyland by Melissa Faliveno.”

The benefit of this approach is that it keeps your sexuality from feeling like this big confession, says McCleary. “It shifts the ‘coming out’ process from something serious to a passing topic,” the same way you’d discuss another part of your identity, such as where you grew up.

4. Spit it out!

Don’t let your desire to be smooth keep you from dishing your truth. “Honestly, someone who’s actually worth dating isn’t going to care how you tell them that you’re bi or queer,” says Wright.

These examples prove that clunky can be just as effective as smooth:

  • “I don’t know how to bring this up but I just wanted to let you know that I’m bi.”
  • “This is totally unrelated to what we’re talking about but I liked to tell the people I’m going on dates with that I’m bi. So, here I am telling you!.”
  • “This date was great! But before we make future plans, I just want to let you know that I’m bisexual.”

5. Ask a leading question.

“If you can get a general gauge on this person’s views or politics, you’ll probably get a good sense of whether or not they’ll be accepting of the marginalized (sexual or gender) identities that you claim,” says McCleary.

You might ask, for example: “Which BLM marches or events have you attended this month?” or “What did you think of the latest presidential debate?” or “Where do you get your morning news?”

From all this info, you can slowly piece together whether the person you’re chatting with is waving red flags or rainbow flags — and decide for yourself whether you want to keep them around.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is your sex life in a lockdown rut?

How to spice things up and feel empowered in the bedroom again (whether you’re single or in a relationship)


By Bianca London

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, lockdown has been a bizarre old time for everyone’s sex life. If you’re sex life is better than ever, we’re happy for you, but for the rest of the nation, either you’re living with a partner and really CBA to keep the magic alive or you’re single and struggling to indulge in sex because, well, lockdown.

With vast times apart or too much time together (!), this year has had a knock-on effect on the sex lives of the nation, according to research.

Brook, the sexual health charity, has partnered with intimate health brand, Canesten, to explore some of the themes that are impacting the sex lives of young people in the UK. According to their new research, almost half (49%) of young women felt that their body confidence has been knocked in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, which was leading to a negative impact on their sex lives.

To get the lowdown on how lockdown has left the nation’s sex lives in a rut – plus to garner some tips on fixing the issue – we spoke to a range of experts – from Confidence Expert Jo Painter to Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle, and Brook Education and Wellbeing Expert Amber Newman-Clark.

Low Desire & Libido

One of the biggest impacts of isolation is low desire, which can put an instant blocker on our libido. As Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle explains: “The recent pandemic and lockdown has presented a problem for lots of people in that one of the most common presentations for therapy is the description of low desire, or low libido. What we now know is that female sexual desire is largely responsive and for many people being in lockdown has possibly taken away opportunities in which for these responsive desire opportunities to occur.”

This theme isn’t exclusive to those who physically don’t have the opportunity; couples have been impacted too. As Kate continues: “For couples locked down together, a lack of distance and difference stifles desire, which thrives on novelty, excitement and anticipation.” We hear ya.

Kate maintains that being able to talk to our partners about what is going on, what we like and being able to explore together, is a quick-fix for this issue. “We are not mind readers and there is no way we can see into each other’s heads unless we invite them in by telling them. Communication is key to sexual wellbeing and sexual wellness,: she said.

Virtual Comparison Culture

We spent a lot of time online before the pandemic, but ultimately this has increased exponentially continuing to impact our sex lives, as Kate continues: “We now spend so much of our lives online, and are able to see so much of the lives of others through social media. The vulva is most commonly seen in pornography rather than on mainstream television. This can cause women to lack vulva confidence, and stop them loving themselves just as they are. It’s human nature to compare ourselves against others and the challenge when it comes to vulvas in this instance is that so often, we are left with the feeling that how we look is ‘not normal’.

Yet, there is NO normal and if you can bust this, you’re on your way to being sexually confident: “Reinforce the idea that there is no such thing as normal. Try to break away from the stylised images and representations and look at something more realistic like ‘The Labia Library’ or Laura Dodsworth’s book ‘Womanhood, and The Great Wall of Vagina’.”

Vulval Vulnerability

The decline in body and vulval confidence during the pandemic, can make us feel less inclined to be vulnerable with our vulvas, as Kate tells us: “To be sexual with someone is to be vulnerable. Bodies are a range of shapes, colours, sizes, they have different smells and they make noises – that is normal, but so often we fear what may happen when they do.”

We’ll give ourselves positive affirmations when it comes to feeling low generally, but what about extending this to your vagina?

“It might sound cheesy but the way that you talk to yourself matters and is very important. Especially at the moment when we have all been living in a time of high stress and uncertainty. Offer yourself a set of affirmations every morning to get your day started and include your vulva in that. For example, my body is unique. My body is designed to experience pleasure. My vulva and vagina are a part of me”.

Vulval Familiarity

How well do you think you know your vulva? Part of the discomfort and vulnerability we feel around our vulvas is that we just don’t know them well enough, as Kate tells us: “The anxiety that someone might feel about being naked in front of a partner or their partner seeing their vulva can completely inhibit a sexual experience. It stops them from fully being in the moment and experiencing pleasure as they are distracted by negative thoughts. This is because we only have enough available attention at any one time, and so if we are in our heads, we can’t also be fully in our bodies.”

However, there are ways you can overcome this as Kate continues – and lockdown could be the perfect time for a little sexual exploration:

“Get to know your body more. When you are in the bath, shower or just lying in bed at night, familiarise yourself with your body. Just hold your hands on your vulva, and explore it; not necessarily with the focus of it being sexual, pleasurable (which it may well be), or orgasm but just to get to know your body better.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to practice tantric sex

— a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships

By Sarah Fielding

  • Tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of intimacy that’s focused on strengthening the bond between you and a partner. 
  • To practice tantric sex, slow down the pace, focus on your breath, and engage all five senses. 
  • Have you ever wanted to slow things down in the bedroom and gain a more intimate connection with a partner? If so, you may want to consider tantric sex — a form of intimacy focused on strengthening the ties between you and your partner. Here’s how to practice tantric sex and tips to integrate the practice into your sex life.

    What is tantric sex?

    Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy. It stems from the Sanskrit word tantra, which means woven together, and is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings.

    In tantric sex, the goal is not about reaching orgasm quickly (if at all) or about feeling incredible physical pleasure. Instead, tantric sex focuses on creating a genuine mindful connection within yourself and then between you and your partner.

    “You feel as if you’re merging together or, rather, that the things that separate you are illusions of the material world,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. “The result of tantric practice is the creation of close bonds with one’s partner, greater awareness of one’s body, and the development of skills such as mindfulness, restraint, and communication.”

     Another benefit of tantric sex is its ability to ease anxiety. Traditionally, intimacy can cause performance anxiety around premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the worry about ensuring orgasm.

    “That pressure… takes you from being in the moment and in your body, to being in your head,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California.

    Tantric sex removes those anxieties. “When [you] are able to redirect [your] focus towards experiencing the sensations of simply being present and connected together, [you] are able to enjoy sex without anxiety or fear,” says Goerlich.

    How to prepare for tantric sex

    1. Learn about its history

    As with any practice rooted in a specific culture, taking the time to understand its history shows respect for its origin and allows you to embrace it with a fuller understanding.

    “We cannot take on the spiritual and religious practices of other cultures without taking the time to honor the origins and understand what we’re doing,” says Goerlich. A great place to start could be this cultural and historical overview of tantra.

    2. Practice mindfulness

    To prepare for tantric sex, Lewis recommends doing a mindfulness practice to connect with your body, become aware of senses, and slow down — all integral aspects of tantric sex.

    This can be done through yoga, meditation, or intentionally focusing on sensations and movements throughout the day.

    3. Create a safe environment

    If trying tantric sex, create a safe environment where you and a partner feel free to connect with yourselves and each other.

    “Somewhere where you can feel uninhibited by distractions, and somewhere that you don’t feel self-conscious about sounds you may make,” says Lewis. “Moaning, grunting, and vocalizing are encouraged with tantric sex, so consider a time when roommates, parents, or children aren’t home.”

    Lewis also suggests incorporating calming sensual elements into the space, such as lit candles and essential oils.

    How to practice tantric sex

    1. Focus on breath

    Focusing on breath is an essential component of tantric sex, as it allows for deeper connection.  Partners are encouraged to synchronize their breaths, so it almost becomes one movement, says Molly Papp, LMFT, sexologist, a certified sex addiction therapist, and owner of Bella Vida Therapy.

    As with most mindfulness practices, the breath also grounds you in the present moment. Try paying attention to a part of your body where you feel the breath, like the belly or chest, and refocus your attention to this part.

    2. Gaze into each other’s eyes

    Spend time gazing into a partner’s eyes. While continual eye contact isn’t necessary for tantric sex, Papp highly recommends it occur often to help build an intimate connection. Eye gazing is another way of synchronizing to each other’s energy. To gaze deeper, try focusing on having your right eye connect with their right eye.

    3. Slow down

    Tantric sex is not a race to an orgasmic finish line, but a chance to slow down and explore each other’s bodies. It can last until you reach orgasm, feel connected, or are emotionally satisfied.

    This attitude change relieves a lot of typically felt anxiety. “It is especially great for women because of its focus on slowing things down and waiting for arousal to build,” says Papp. “In an age where we are flooded with unrealistic pressure to feel orgasmic pleasure within minutes, this is freeing for many women.”

    Papp suggests having lube, oils, or lotion nearby to ensure slow movements aren’t painful.

    4. Engage all five senses

    The only “goal” of tantric sex is remaining present and being aware of sensations in the body. To do this, Lewis suggests paying attention to all five of your senses, not just touch.

    “Notice how your partner smells, what the curves of their bodies look like, what tastes you pick up in your mouth as you kiss, what it sounds like when they or you moan,” Lewis says. “These are all great ways to become grounded in your body and present in the moment.”

    5. Incorporate massage 

    Sex does not need to be penetrative. “Kissing, touching, holding, rubbing, and more can all lead to a full tantric sexual experience, no penetration necessary,” says Lewis.

    Even if you want to incorporate penetrative sex, Goerlich says there’s no reason to rush into it. Start by focusing on markers that keep you present and connected, like massaging or cuddling.

    “Prolong this sensory exploration and carry it over into your penetrative sex — if indeed you have penetrative sex,” says Goerlich.

    In fact, focusing on other forms of intimacy can help keep anxiety levels down. “Something more sensual rather than sexual could help calm one or both partners,” says Papp. “A cuddle session or massage would help relieve that anxiety and ease the experience.”

    Takeaways

    Tantric sex slows down an intimate experience and emphasizes the connection between you and a partner. The practice involves focusing on the breath, staying present, and creating a safe environment to explore sensual intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!