Tag: Intimacy

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Why single people smell different

There is a wealth of psychological and biological information stored in our scent, but for some reason we choose to ignore it.

By William Park

King Louis XIV of France was obsessed with fragrance. Cut flowers adorned every room in Versailles, furniture and fountains were sprayed with perfume and visitors were even doused before entering the palace. Whether it was because his personal hygiene was not up to the standards we might expect today, or he just enjoyed playing with scent, Louis understood that smell is important.

Our body odour can reveal details about our health, like the presence of diseases (cholera smells sweet and acute diabetes like rotten apples). “It can also reveal information about our diet,” says Mehmet Mahmut, an olfaction and odour psychologist at Macquarie University, Australia. “There are a couple of studies that kind of contradict, but my group found that the more meat you consume the more pleasant your BO smells.”

Men find women’s body odour more pleasant and attractive during the follicular phase of the menstrual cycle, when women are most fertile, and least pleasant and attractive during menstruation. This might have been useful for our ancient ancestors to detect good candidates for reproduction, suggest the authors of that paper. Men’s testosterone levels might improve their scent, too.

While it can change depending on our diet and health, a lot of what makes our smell unique is determined by our genetics. Our body odour is specific enough, and our sense of smell accurate enough, that people can pair the sweaty T-shirts of identical twins from a group of strangers’ T-shirts. Identical twin body odour is so similar that matchers in this experiment even mistook duplicate T-shirts from the same individual as two twin T-shirts.

“This is important because it shows that genes influence how we smell,” says Agnieszka Sorokowska, a psychologist and expert in human olfaction at the University of Wroclaw, Poland, “so, we might be able to detect genetic information about other people by smelling them.”

Collectively we spend billions of dollars trying to change or disguise our natural body odour with perfumes and fragrances (Credit: Michal Bialozej)
Collectively we spend billions of dollars trying to change or disguise our natural body odour with perfumes and fragrances

Your HLA profile is very likely to be different to everyone else you meet – though some people, like your close relatives, will be more similar to you than others. From a genetic point of view, it is an advantage to have a child with someone who has a dissimilar HLA profile. “If you have a partner who is genetically dissimilar in BO and immune profile, then your children will have a better resistance to pathogens,” says Sorokowska.

These women put the T-shirts worn by men with the most dissimilar HLA profile first and last the most similar. So they were able to identify the men, and preferred the men, with the best match in terms of immune system genetics. They didn’t know that was what they were doing, of course – it was subconscious.

The specific mechanism that causes HLA-dissimilarity to result in a better-smelling BO is not known, says Sorokowska. “But it is thought that HLA results in the production of certain substances that are digested by our skin bacteria that produce a certain odour.”

Do humans use genetic information hidden in body odour to choose their partners? It would seem not. In a study of almost 3,700 married couples, the likelihood of people ending up with a HLA-dissimilar partner was no different to chance. We might have a preference for certain smells, and there might be a genetic reason for that, but we don’t act upon smells when choosing who we marry.

“But even though HLA does not influence choices, it influences sexual wellbeing,” says Sorokowska. People with congenital anosmia (the loss of their sense of smell) have poorer relationship outcomes, suggests Mahmut in a study with Ilona Croy at the University of Dresden, Germany.

Many of the experiments on body odour ask women to rank the t-shirts worn by men, and sometimes even their own husbands (Credit: Michal Bialozej)
Many of the experiments on body odour ask women to rank the t-shirts worn by men, and sometimes even their own husbands

Couples who had high HLA-dissimilarity – which presumably happened by chance – had the highest levels of sexual satisfaction and the highest levels of desire to have children.

This link was more strongly seen in women. Women partnered with HLA-similar men reported more sexual dissatisfaction and lower desire to have children. Though when evidence from multiple studies is taken into account, the effect might not be conclusive. 

To evolutionary biologists the emphasis on female choice makes sense. In nature, females tend to choose males, as it is the mother who invests the most in raising children and therefore has the most to lose by mating with a genetically inferior male. The female must be discerning in her choice, so looks for clues as to a male’s quality. This is why males are often colourful, perform dances, sing songs or offer gifts in nature – they have to prove their genetic quality.

The link between BO preference and genes spurred a fashion for T-shirt speed-dating and even “mail odour” services. But the evidence to support the idea we can make good dating decisions based on smell is unclear. We might say we prefer something, but in practice it would appear we do not make choices based on that preference. Why not?

One reason might be that real-life scenarios are too complex to use scent information accurately. Our other senses can distort the information we take in from smell. Based on body odour alone, we can make accurate assessments of other people’s neuroticism. But when shown a photo of that person alongside a sample of their BO “they got confused”, becoming less accurate, says Sorokowska. “And we are not able to rate neuroticism from faces alone.” She says that BO is more accurate for judging neuroticism, but faces are easier, and often we just do what is easiest.

In another study, married women brought in their husbands’ T-shirts and single women brought in a platonic friend’s T-shirt and these were mixed up with more T-shirts from random men.

“Did partnered women end up with someone whose BO they preferred to others?” says Mahmut. “Not necessarily. There was no overwhelming evidence they put their partner at number one.” In this case, the women had not chosen a husband who had the BO that smelled best to them.

In a separate study by Mahmut, strangers’ BO also smelled stronger than married men’s BO. He speculates that this might be because “there’s some evidence of a correlation between high testosterone levels and stronger BO. We know there is an association between a reduction in testosterone and getting older, which might be due to the things going on in a married man’s life as he gets over 40 – prioritising children and things like that. Men who are in relationships, and more so those that have had children, have lower testosterone.

Men can find women's body odour more attractive at key points in their menstrual cycle (Credit: Michal Bialozej)
Men can find women’s body odour more attractive at key points in their menstrual cycle

So, we know that we give off information about our reproductive quality in our BO, and we know that we can detect it, but we don’t act on it. Should we?

“If your sole interest is finding a partner with good genes, then perhaps you should pay attention to their smell,” says Sorokowska. “But for most people that is not the most important thing, and most people don’t do it.”

Mahmut agrees: “The usefulness of scent has somewhat decreased. We spent tens of thousands of years disguising what we smell like.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Ways to Reset Your Relationship

Experts say couples can emerge from the pandemic stronger than ever by learning from the past and looking toward the future.

By Jancee Dunn

As we emerge, blinking, from our pandemic seclusion, all of us have, in ways great and small, changed. So, too, have our relationships.

“During this time, couples may have been spending about as much time with each other as would normally be stretched across a two to three year period,” said Bryce Doehne, a clinical psychologist in Portland, Ore. “And they’ve had to occupy multiple roles that would have been previously filled by others, like friends, which is impossible.”

Now, as many couples plunge back into the hum of life, is a perfect opportunity for a relationship reset — to learn from our time hunkering down together and look toward the future.

Here is a seven-point plan to get started.

Do a relationship review.

First, have a sit-down together to assess what worked about your relationship — and didn’t — during quarantine, said Christiana Ibilola Awosan, a therapist in New York City. In order to make positive changes going forward, start by sharing with your partner what you learned about yourself during the pandemic, she recommended.

Then, Dr. Awosan said, consider using these prompts to continue the conversation: What did the pandemic show us about our relationship? What do we want to keep going forward? What do we want to discard? What has surprised you about me during this pandemic?

“Sometimes we tend to focus on what annoyed us about our partner, but there might be some good things that surprised you, like a strength you didn’t realize they had,” she said.

Voice your appreciation.

Perhaps over the past year, you haven’t felt like giving compliments to your partner — but positive feedback is important, according to a nearly three-decade study of marriage and divorce by Terri Orbuch, a research professor at the University of Michigan and a sociology professor at Oakland University. One of her divorced subjects’ biggest regrets was that they had not given their mate more “affective affirmation,” or encouragement and support in the form of words or thoughtful gestures. That includes compliments like: “You’re a great parent.” Dr. Orbuch has called the neglect of these simple acts “an overlooked relationship-killer.”

You know that fleeting moment when a burst of affection or attraction for your partner flits through your mind? “Don’t just think it,” said Don Cole, a licensed marriage therapist and clinical director of the Gottman Institute in Seattle. “It should not ‘go without saying.’”

“Many of us believe our partners should know that we love them, especially after being together for years,” he said. But research at the Gottman Institute, the renowned laboratory for the study of relationships, found that the most successful couples regularly “opened their mouths and actually spoke their words of love and respect and admiration.”

Those words are even more meaningful, Dr. Cole said, when you are specific. “My wife’s a trained soprano and I told her, ‘Yesterday you were walking around straightening up the house and singing, and I got a thrill down my back when I heard it,’” he said.

Why does specificity matter? Saying “you’re thoughtful” is nice, Dr. Cole said, “but when your partner tells a positive story where you demonstrated your thoughtfulness, that makes you more likely to hold that, to cherish it, to make you feel good about it.”

Build in time apart.

Make sure that each partner builds some alone time into their day, even if it’s a short walk. Liad Uziel, a senior lecturer in the psychology department at Bar-Ilan University in Israel, said that solo time and being with others “both shape our character from different perspectives.”

When we’re alone, Dr. Uziel said, “external pressure is reduced, we are often more in control of events and we can manage our time more freely.” Alone time, he said, is also important for what is called “identity consolidation,” in which one thinks of the past to process events, and the future to set goals.

In our relationships, taking time alone “offers a greater opportunity for each partner to develop their personal identity independently, which they can then bring to their relationship and strengthen it,” Dr. Uziel said.

Take time to connect.

Having less sex these days? It’s not just you. A recent online survey of 1,559 adults about their intimate lives by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University revealed that over 43 percent of participants reported a decline in the quality of their sex lives since the pandemic began.

A sexual dry spell is no surprise, given that the pandemic’s stress and uncertainty were “libido killers,” said Shannon Chavez, a therapist in Los Angeles. If you need a nudge to get back in the game, she said, think of sexual connection “as a form of self-care, which is anything you do to take care of your overall health and wellbeing.” Prioritizing sex as health, she added, makes it easier to make time for intimacy.

That includes putting it on the schedule. “Scheduling sex can be better for your sex life than it sounds,” Dr. Chavez said. “People fear it takes the excitement out of it, but if anything, it adds anticipation by planning, and isn’t rushed or put on the back burner.”

Why not aim for sex once a week? Not only is this an achievable goal, but according to one study of over 25,000 adults, it’s actually optimal. Research published in 2016 in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science found that weekly sex was ideal for maximum wellbeing. If the respondents, who ranged from 18 to 89, had more than that, their self-reported happiness actually leveled off — and that finding held true for both men and women, and was consistent no matter how long they had been together.

Go to a party.

While we’ve seen plenty of our partners during the past year, what’s been missing, said Kendra Knight, an assistant professor of communication studies at DePaul University, is social gatherings in which you view your partner through the eyes of others. She said that seeing your significant other at an event — dressed up, being witty perhaps — can renew your own attraction.

Our estimation of our partner’s attractiveness, sometimes referred to as “mate value,” she said, “is partially a function of others’ appraisals.” That can range, Dr. Knight said, from physical attractiveness to social attractiveness (if, say, they’re the life of the party) to so-called “task attractiveness” — for example, making a batch of their famous margaritas or crushing a backyard horseshoe game.

Of course, if you or your mate is not ready for big events, or never liked neighborhood block parties in the first place, you might just shoot for dinner with close friends or family. Each of us has our own comfort level about heading out into the wider world after so much isolation. “Check in with each other regularly and share how you feel about stepping out,” Dr. Awosan said. “And work on being kind and patient wherever your partner is at.”

Rediscover your playful side.

The past year and half has been heavy. Now that we’re heading into a summer with far fewer restrictions than the last one, it’s OK to think about bringing some levity back. Being more playful in your relationship can revive that sparkle, according to a review from Martin Luther University Halle-Wittenberg in Germany.

The study’s lead author, Kay Brauer, a researcher in the psychology department, found that people who scored high in “other-directed playfulness,” or goofing around with others, “might be particularly important for reviving relationships after the long stretches of monotony during quarantine.”

Playful people, he said, tend to share inside jokes, surprise their partner, give them affectionate nicknames or re-enact joint experiences, like your first date or that disastrous time you tried karaoke. Look for opportunities to create inside jokes or act silly, like having your next date at an amusement park. “If there was ever a time to surprise ourselves and our partner with the new and unexpected, it’s now,” Brauer said.

Making plans together, such as for a vacation, a home renovation project, or even just swinging by a new restaurant, activates our brain’s craving for novel experiences, said Dr. Knight, “which in turn can amplify attraction to and interest in our partner.”

It also reinforces your bond, Dr. Awosan said: “Research has shown that when couples work together as a team, their relationship satisfaction and quality increases.”

In the past year and half, “people have lost jobs, lost loved ones, a sense of self,” Dr. Awosan said. “We’ve all lost something.” Planning something to look forward to, together, symbolizes hopefulness and optimism.

“It’s about the future,” she said. “It says, ‘We are moving forward.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why airplanes make you horny

By Suzannah Weiss

After being deprived of two of my favorite activities — travel and sex — over the past year, one thing I’m looking forward to as both become more feasible is that inexplicable wave of horniness that reliably overcomes me when I’m on a plane. Whether it’s the high I get off the recirculated air or the rumble of takeoff gearing up my own engines, something about airplanes gets me all riled up.

And while I thought I was the only one with this flight fetish, a partner confessed to me that he’d gotten all randy while flying to see me. And as I began to inquire, I discovered an entire cohort of people who got at least a little excited while mile-high.

Chris Savory, a 38-year-old management consultant in London, is clearly in the club. “All that absent-minded people-watching is excellent fuel for the imagination,” he says. One 36-year-old consultant in D.C. (who, out of self-consciousness, asked that he remain anonymous) says he gets hard the moment the cabin pressure changes.

While it would be difficult and expensive to study why exactly people get all hot and bothered on aircrafts, scientists can speculate. Nicole Prause, a neuroscientist researching human sexual behavior, tells Mic that it may have to do with the vibrations of the engine. She points to research that’s shown that people of all different genital configurations respond readily to vibration, including vibration at the same frequency you’d experience in airplane seats.

Or, as Carol Queen — sex educator, author, and sex toy brand Good Vibrations’s resident sexologist — puts it, “an airplane is basically a huge vibrator full of people.” She asserts that there are so many people on a plane, passengers often end up making physical contact with one another, which can spark sexual feelings. In other words, if you’re lucky enough to have a passenger you’re attracted to next to you, chances are good that your arms might graze a little.

Another possibility is that, since people are often asleep or half-asleep on planes, their inhibitions are lowered. “As the brain approaches sleep, neural inhibition is reduced, which promotes sexual thoughts and feelings,” Prause explains. Sexual arousal is often less a result of active effort and more a result of reduced inhibition, she says.

For Shad Faruq, that checks out. “Within a few hours, I start to feel less inhibited,” says Faruq, a 26-year-old marketing professional in San Diego. “I feel more daring and open … It’s a little drunk-like, but without the slurriness.”

Even when people aren’t falling asleep, the relaxation a plane facilitates can leave some feeling primed for sex

Plus, while a plane might not be the most romantic setting, high numbers of sleeping passengers might put fliers in a sexual mindset. “Sex occurs overwhelmingly in the hours just before sleep,” Prause adds. “Simple conditioning may lead us to have sexual thoughts approaching sleep simply because that is when most people are most likely to be having sex.”

Even when people aren’t falling asleep, the relaxation a plane facilitates can leave some feeling primed for sex, says Jessica O’Reilly, a sex educator and human sexuality scholar. “With no pressure to answer emails or return phone calls while you soar through the air, it can help to put your entire body at ease; this state of relaxation coupled with the lack of distraction can help you to feel more present in your body, which can pave the way for sexual desire.”

On top of that, the lack of distraction on planes may lend itself to fantasizing. “Flying is enforced leisure, when you’re alone with your thoughts — especially long-haul,” says Cindy Gallop, founder of the video-sharing platform MakeLoveNotPorn. “I fly transatlantic and other long-haul flights regularly, and I’ve quite often used that time to reminisce about the enjoyable sex I’ve been having with one young gentleman or another, which then of course makes me horny — to the extent that I’ve been known to pop into the plane bathroom to relieve my feelings.”

The adrenaline rush that comes from flying can also mimic feelings of sexual excitement, leading people to misattribute it to horniness. “In some cases, it’s related to novelty and exploration, and in others, it may be related to the relinquishment of control,” says O’Reilly. “The entire flying process requires that you leave control and your own personal safety in the hands of a complete (albeit qualified) group of strangers. For some people, this can be so stressful that they have zero interest in sex, but for others, it provides just the right amount of stress to create a degree of excitement.”

The act of travel itself, whether by plane or some other mode of transportation, can bring out people’s adventurous sides, says Queen. “Travel can remove you from your ordinary routine and infuse your life with a sort of altered state that can be sexy,” she adds. Some people, for instance, may be shy in their everyday lives but feel free to let out their wild sides when they travel.

The plane itself often provides fodder for fantasy.

For Joshua McNeil, a 32-year-old program manager in Winnipeg, Canada, the arousal comes from anticipation of what will happen upon landing. “My active imagination and anticipatory feelings about seeing someone will create a heightened state of arousal via lucid sex daydreaming, where I feel like the sensuality and sexuality is actually happening,” they say. For those who are hard at work when land-bound, flights may offer a welcome reprieve where the imagination has time to roam.

The plane itself often provides fodder for fantasy. “The risk factor of doing something so naughty in a densely-packed space and potentially getting caught is such an endorphin and adrenaline rush for me,” says Pankaj Ahuja, a 33-year-old marketing consultant in India.

Justin Lehmiller, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want, has found in his research that 53% of American adults — slightly more men than women — have fantasized about sex on a plane, and 9% have this fantasy often.

“People are turned on by the idea of doing new and different things with their sex lives because we tend to grow bored easily with sexual routines,” Lehmiller tells Mic. “Fantasizing about sex in different settings is one easy way of introducing an element of newness — and what I see is that people fantasize about sex in a wide range of settings, from public restrooms to beaches and parks to cars and trucks.”

Another arousing aspect of plane sex is that it’s taboo. “Part of the appeal of sex in public or semi-public settings is the thrill that comes along with the potential risk that others might catch you in the act,” says Lehmiller. “For many people, doing something risky like this amps up their arousal and excitement.”

That said, plenty of people find flying the opposite of arousing, especially those who get anxious up in the air, says O’Reilly. And there may be good reason to have trepidation about sex on a plane: People have been arrested for joining the mile-high club (and even for just attempting to). So, indulge your airplane horniness at your own risk.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ending Misogynoir and Domestic Violence

Leimert Park Los Angeles, 2020

By Sikivu Hutchinson

Over Our Dead Bodies

Audre Lorde once wrote that “there is no such thing as a single issue struggle because we do not live single issue lives”. Lorde was a literary badass who never held her tongue or shied away from calling out how white supremacy and Black sexism led to “scarred, broken, battered and dead daughters and sisters” whose trauma never makes headlines. When I desperately needed Lorde’s voice in my teens and twenties, I became one of those battered sisters, surviving intimate partner violence in a world where “good” Black women did not buck Black patriarchy, the Black church or any other symbol of Black gender orthodoxy. Then, as now, these institutions demanded that survivors remain silent about domestic violence and sexual abuse.

This 21st century culture of silence is especially pronounced when it comes to Black women’s experiences with gun violence in the context of intimate partner violence and sexual violence.

This 21st century culture of silence is especially pronounced when it comes to Black women’s experiences with gun violence in the context of intimate partner violence and sexual violence. As the U.S. marks the grim milestone of 240 plus mass shootings this year, every day, Black men, Black women, and Black communities continue to shoulder the disproportionate weight of normalized death and violence. In April in Chicago, 7 year-old Jaslyn Thomas was gunned down at a local McDonalds, becoming the third child to die from gun violence there this year.

According to Everytown Policy and Research, African Americans “experience nearly 10 times the gun homicides, 15 times the gun assaults, and three times the fatal police shootings of white Americans”. Nonetheless, gun violence in African American communities is marginalized as well as pathologized. It is viewed as a symptom of the racist stereotype that Black folks in the “inner city” are more prone to criminal violence. And it is downplayed in mainstream narratives about the prevalence of gun violence.

Commenting in Essence Magazine, former Ohio Congressional candidate Desiree Tims wrote, “As devastating as it is to acknowledge, America’s gun violence problem particularly haunts Black women; our sons, brothers and fathers are 10 times more likely to die from gun violence than their White counterparts. Equally as troubling, Black women die from gun-related domestic partner abuse at disproportionately higher rates than any other group” and Black women are more likely to die from gun violence than are white men. These two key facts continue to drive a wedge in racial justice activism.

Time and again, Black women across sexuality and gender identity (for example, Black trans women have the highest homicide rates among trans women in the nation) are mowed down in disproportionate numbers, yet the stigma around Black feminist anti-violence prevention education and engagement remains. Despite the fact that domestic and sexual violence affect the bodies of women of color every day, “quietly”, under the radar, domestic violence generally only pricks public consciousness when there is a high profile tragedy against white women or a mass shooting rampage committed by a stalker-abuser.

As the African American Policy Forum (AAPF) noted recently, “Such violence has long been a public health issue and central concern for all women, and Black women in particular. Yet it has been largely overlooked by the public, state, and judicial systems.”

In March, the AAPF released a series of memes on the impact of “private violence” on Black women and girls. Black women are 2.5 times more likely to die by homicide. Be they trans or cis, the majority are killed by an intimate partner or relative. Black women are also more likely to experience sexual harassment at work. Normalized violence, coupled with systemic disparities in wages and health care access, have devastating implications for young Black girls into adulthood.

In schools where youth have little to no sexual harassment prevention education, victim-blaming and shaming of Black girls are legion. When there is no attention to the culturally specific ways Black girls are hypersexualized and “adultified” — both by the dominant white culture and African American culture — Black girls are targeted as unrapeable aggressors who provoke violence by flouting respectability. And when there continues to be denial about the gravity of sexual assault, rape, and domestic violence in Black communities, all Black children and Black people suffer.

For example, in California, where homelessness among African Americans has skyrocketed, one in three Black women have experienced intimate partner and domestic violence. Domestic violence is one of the leading catalysts for homelessness among women. Yet, as the Little Hoover Commission recently noted, “California does not have a substantial prevention or early intervention program.”

In April, the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence asked the state legislature for over $15 million from the Department of Public Health to coordinate statewide sexual and domestic violence prevention efforts. Part of that funding would go to prevention education, as well as food, transportation, and childcare for survivors. A core piece would provide assistance to young men and boys who are experiencing domestic abuse-related trauma.

The Partnership’s campaign for greater state funding is especially critical given the grave impact Covid shutdowns, layoffs, and school closures have had on women and girls of color globally. According to a 2021 California Study on Violence Experiences Across the Lifespan (Cal-Vex), reports of physical violence against women, including threats with a weapon, increased from 4% in 2020 to 7% in 2021. Globally, there was a 25% increase in violence against women, while a majority of shelters and DV (domestic violence) providers were forced to curtail or cancel services due to

Covid. Only 22% of all individuals experiencing abuse reported seeking mental or medical intervention. And 8 in 10 Californians support alternatives to incarceration for domestic abusers, and, not surprisingly, fewer Black and Latinx folks believe police are effective in violence intervention (former Assemblymember and current State Senator Sydney Kamlager has sponsored a bill that would institutionalize community-based alternatives to emergency response).

In the midst of escalating racialized state violence and terrorism, the focus on ending rape culture and domestic violence must not dim. Creating culturally responsive K-12 domestic and sexual violence prevention education that examines how legacies of white supremacy, misogynoir, colonization, segregation, heterosexism, and economic inequality shape sexual abuse, sex trafficking, and intimate partner violence is critical.

Ensuring that this curriculum is mandatory for all youth across gender and sexual orientation beginning in late elementary or middle school is essential. Ensuring that boys and young men are trained to be allies in identifying, questioning, and ultimately disrupting sexual harassment and sexual violence is fundamental. Ensuring that queer lived experiences and that of disabled youth of color are valued, lifted up, and made visible, is also essential. Although California passed a sweeping CA Healthy Youth Act in 2016 mandating comprehensive HIV/AIDS and sexual violence prevention instruction for middle through high school grades, most students only receive piecemeal instruction if any.

On June 16th, youth and adult allies from the #Standing4BlackGirls task force and coalition will address these issues at the 2021 annual Future of Feminism conference which is dedicated to spearheading community-based solutions to end sexual violence and rape culture against Black girls and girls of color. At the beginning of the year, the task force spearheaded a wellness initiative fund to provide free culturally competent therapy services for Black cis/straight and queer female-identified survivors in partnership with the BIPOC queer-affirming Open Paths Counseling Center in Los Angeles.

Making this resource accessible to more young women, as well as developing a California state bill that provides mandatory anti-racist and queer-affirming domestic and sexual violence prevention education, are priorities of the task force. Investing in prevention and Black girls’ self-determination will ensure that the deadly reality of “one in three” broken, battered and dead sisters comes to an end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Interested in polyamory?

Here’s 5 tips for making romantic relationships work with multiple partners.

By Ashley Laderer

  • Polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with different people.
  • Some people have a primary partner but are free to pursue casual relationships with others.
  • A successful poly relationship involves regular check-ins with your partners and open communication.

While most people today think of two monogamous partners when they think about romantic relationships, there are other types of relationships out there that are equally valid.

In fact, a 2012 study found that about 4% of relationships are consensually non-monogamous — and polyamory is one of the more common forms.

Here’s what you need to know about polyamory, including tips for how to make a polyamorous relationship work.

What is polyamory?

In the simplest terms, polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships. But unlike cheating, which is marked by deception, polyamory involves openness and consent from all parties, says Emy Tafelski, MA, LMFT, sex therapist and founder and CEO of ME-Therapy. You may hear people who practice polyamory call themselves “poly” for short.

There’s no one specific way that poly people go about their relationships, and they can decide what works best for their individual situation. However, there are two broad types of polyamory, says Tafelski:

  • Hierarchical poly: These people have a primary relationship with one person, and secondary relationships with others. For example, the primary relationship could be a marriage where partners are only allowed to pursue casual relationships with others.
  • Anarchist poly: These people have fewer “rules” around their activities. People in this kind of relationship don’t have a primary attachment to one person and instead have the freedom to explore any kind of relationship with any person.

How to make a polyamorous relationship work

Like every other relationship, polyamorous relationships require hard work and dedication. Here are five tips for a successful polyamorous relationship, according to Tafelski.

  1. Communicate openly: Communication is always key in relationships, and it’s especially crucial in poly relationships to make sure all parties are informed and consenting. Tafelski recommends that you be honest and transparent when you discuss your feelings, needs, desires, and fears.
  2. Listen actively: Listening is just as important as speaking because it ensures that you understand your partners’ feelings and needs and vice versa. “Meet them where they are from a place of compassion and empathy rather than defensiveness,” says Tafelski.
  3. Check-in with yourself and your partners often: Just because your partner was okay with something last month, doesn’t mean they still are. It’s important to check in with all partners often, and of course, with yourself too, to make sure everything is healthy and everyone is still consenting.
  4. Create a safe space for all the feelings: It’s important to be open to the emotions of your partners. Remember that all feelings, including jealousy, are valid, and they should be attended to.
  5. Renegotiate your “relationship contract” often: Tafelski says poly relationships are constructed by the people in them. You may create a “relationship contract” with your partner or partners. “People change and grow as do their needs. It is useful to periodically review for yourself, and with your partner(s), the relationship contract and adjust according to current needs,” says Tafelski.

Insider’s takeaway

While polyamory certainly isn’t for everybody, it’s a good option for people who want to have a non-traditional relationship that isn’t monogamous. Remember to communicate openly with your partners and ensure that you always have consent in order to keep your relationships healthy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Women who have casual sex are still harshly judged

— here’s why

By Jaimie Arona Krems and Michael Varnum

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously called the Roaring Twenties — which happened on the heels of the 1918 flu pandemic — “the most expensive orgy in history.” Now, as more and more Americans are vaccinated, some are saying all the sexual energy pent up over the past year will be unleashed, with Yale sociologist Nicholas Christakis predicting a summer marked by a surge in “sexual licentiousness.”

Women, however, might face backlash for exploring their post-vaccination sexuality. In a new study, we found that women — but not men — continue to be perceived negatively for having casual sex.

This stereotype persists even as casual sex has become increasingly normalized and gender equality has risen in the U.S. and much of the Western world.

Specifically, both men and women assume that a woman who has casual sex must have low self-esteem. But that perception isn’t based in reality. So what might be driving this unfounded stereotype?

A belief held across religious and political divides

Although the idea that women’s sexual behavior is linked to their self-esteem is a common trope in film, television and even some relationship advice sites, we documented just how entrenched this stereotype is across six experiments published in Psychological Science.

In one experiment, we asked Americans to estimate the correlation between people’s sexual behavior and their self-esteem. We described those people as being a man, woman or simply as “a person,” without providing any information about their gender. We then described that man, woman or person as having a lot of casual sex, portrayed them as being a serial monogamist or provided no information about their sexual behavior.

We found that Americans tended to associate monogamy with high self-esteem, especially for women. More striking, they associated casual sex with low self-esteem — but only for women.

This belief was surprisingly widespread, and across our studies we found that both men and women hold it. We wondered: Was this stereotype the product of sexist beliefs? Could it be due to participants’ political ideology or their religion?

But time and again, we saw that this stereotype transcended a number of markers, including the extent to which someone held sexist beliefs, their political views and their religiosity.

What if a woman says she wants casual sex?

However, people might believe that women don’t want casual sex in the first place. For example, people might assume that women have causal sex only because they’re trying and failing to attract a long-term relationship. In fact, such beliefs do seem to influence the stereotype about women’s self-esteem.

Specifically, the more that Americans believed that women don’t actually want casual sex, the more these Americans tended to associate women’s casual sex with low self-worth.

This finding inspired another experiment. We wondered what would happen if we told participants that a woman was actually perfectly happy with her casual sexual lifestyle. Might that change their beliefs?

But even this factor didn’t seem to stop the stereotyping. Participants still saw these women as having low self-esteem. And they even perceived a woman described as having monogamous sex — but who was deeply dissatisfied with her monogamous sex life — as having higher self-esteem.

Here’s the kicker: Among our participants — the same ones who showed this stereotyping — we found virtually no association between their self-esteem and their own sexual behavior.

These findings are similar to those of psychologist David Schmitt, who conducted a survey of more than 16,000 participants drawn from all over the world, and also found little association between self-esteem and casual sex. And in our study, it was actually the men who reported having more casual sex who also tended to have slightly lower self-esteem.

Do our Stone Age brains play a role?

So why do people hold this negative assumption about women who have casual sex — especially if it doesn’t hold water? The short answer is that we currently do not know, and associations between sex and self-esteem in the real world are complex.

Some people might wonder if the media is to blame. It’s true that women who have casual sex are sometimes portrayed as being somehow deficient. But this doesn’t tell the whole story. Even if popular media perpetuates this stereotype, it still doesn’t explain why people would feel compelled to portray women this way in the first place.

Another possible explanation is that the stereotype extends from reproductive biology, in which men have historically had more to gain from casual sex than women, who — since they risk getting pregnant — often have to bear greater costs, on average, than men.

Yet today, newer technologies — like birth control and safe, legal abortion — allow women to have casual sex without being forced to bear some of those unwanted costs. Perhaps, then, our Stone Age brains have simply not yet caught up.

Whatever the origin of this stereotype, it’s likely to foster prejudice and discrimination today. For example, people perceived to have low self-esteem are less likely to be asked out on dates or elected to political office.

This stereotype might also have led to seemingly well-intentioned – but ultimately misguided — advice directed toward girls and women about their sexual behavior. There is a cottage industry built around telling women what sort of sex not to have. (Searching for books on “friendship advice” on Amazon yields fewer than 40 results, but searching for “dating advice” returned over 2,000.)

In Western society, women are rarely disparaged for breaking glass ceilings to become leaders, professors, CEOs and astronauts.

So why do they continue to be denigrated as they become increasingly open and willing to go to bed with others at their own whim, of their own accord?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships

— Here’s how to practice it

By Sarah Fielding

  • Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy.
  • Prepare for tantric sex by learning its history, creating a safe space, and practicing mindfulness.
  • To practice on tantric sex, focus on your breath, gaze into each other’s eyes, and slow down.

Have you ever wanted to slow things down in the bedroom and gain a more intimate connection with a partner? If so, you may want to consider tantric sex — a form of intimacy focused on strengthening the ties between you and your partner.

Here’s how to practice tantric sex and tips to integrate the practice into your sex life.

Understanding tantric sex

Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy. It stems from the Sanskrit word tantra, which means woven together, and is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings.

In tantric sex, the goal is not about reaching orgasm quickly (if at all) or about feeling incredible physical pleasure. Instead, tantric sex focuses on creating a genuine mindful connection within yourself and then between you and your partner.

“You feel as if you’re merging together or, rather, that the things that separate you are illusions of the material world,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. “The result of tantric practice is the creation of close bonds with one’s partner, greater awareness of one’s body, and the development of skills such as mindfulness , restraint, and communication.”

Another benefit of tantric sex is its ability to ease anxiety. Traditionally, intimacy can cause performance anxiety around premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the worry about ensuring orgasm.

“That pressure… takes you from being in the moment and in your body, to being in your head,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California.

Tantric sex removes those anxieties. “When [you] are able to redirect focus towards experiencing the sensations of simply being present and connected together, [you] are able to enjoy sex without anxiety or fear,” says Goerlich.

How to prepare for tantric sex

If you’re interested in tantric sex, you should prepare in three main ways.

1. Learn about its history

As with any practice rooted in a specific culture, taking the time to understand its history shows respect for its origin and allows you to embrace it with a fuller understanding.

“We cannot take on the spiritual and religious practices of other cultures without taking the time to honor the origins and understand what we’re doing,” says Goerlich. A great place to start could be this cultural and historical overview of tantra.

2. Practice mindfulness

To prepare for tantric sex, Lewis recommends doing a mindfulness practice to connect with your body, become aware of senses, and slow down — all integral aspects of tantric sex.

This can be done through yoga, meditation , or intentionally focusing on sensations and movements throughout the day.

3. Create a safe environment

If trying tantric sex, create a safe environment where you and a partner feel free to connect with yourselves and each other.

“Somewhere where you can feel uninhibited by distractions, and somewhere that you don’t feel self-conscious about sounds you may make,” says Lewis. “Moaning, grunting, and vocalizing are encouraged with tantric sex, so consider a time when roommates, parents, or children aren’t home.”

Tips to practice tantric sex

Once you’re ready to practice tantric sex, you should keep five tips in mind.

1. Focus on breath

Focusing on breath is an essential component of tantric sex, as it allows for deeper connection. Partners are encouraged to synchronize their breaths, so it almost becomes one movement, says Molly Papp, LMFT, sexologist, a certified sex addiction therapist, and owner of Bella Vida Therapy.

As with most mindfulness practices, the breath also grounds you in the present moment. Try paying attention to a part of your body where you feel the breath, like the belly or chest, and refocus your attention to this part.

2. Gaze into each other’s eyes

Spend time gazing into a partner’s eyes. While continual eye contact isn’t necessary for tantric sex, Papp highly recommends it occur often to help build an intimate connection.

Eye gazing is another way of synchronizing to each other’s energy. To gaze deeper, try focusing on having your right eye connect with their right eye.

3. Slow down

Tantric sex is not a race to an orgasmic finish line, but a chance to slow down and explore each other’s bodies. It can last until you reach orgasm, feel connected, or are emotionally satisfied.

This attitude change relieves a lot of typically felt anxiety. “It is especially great for women because of its focus on slowing things down and waiting for arousal to build,” says Papp. “In an age where we are flooded with unrealistic pressure to feel orgasmic pleasure within minutes, this is freeing for many women.”

4. Engage all five senses

The only “goal” of tantric sex is remaining present and being aware of sensations in the body. To do this, Lewis suggests paying attention to all five of your senses, not just touch.

“Notice how your partner smells, what the curves of their bodies look like, what tastes you pick up in your mouth as you kiss, what it sounds like when they or you moan,” Lewis says. “These are all great ways to become grounded in your body and present in the moment.”

5. Incorporate massage

Sex does not need to be penetrative. “Kissing, touching, holding, rubbing, and more can all lead to a full tantric sexual experience, no penetration necessary,” says Lewis.

Even if you want to incorporate penetrative sex, Goerlich says there’s no reason to rush into it. Start by focusing on markers that keep you present and connected, like massaging or cuddling.

“Prolong this sensory exploration and carry it over into your penetrative sex — if indeed you have penetrative sex,” says Goerlich.

In fact, focusing on other forms of intimacy can help keep anxiety levels down. “Something more sensual rather than sexual could help calm one or both partners,” says Papp. “A cuddle session or massage would help relieve that anxiety and ease the experience.”

Insider’s takeaway

Tantric sex slows down an intimate experience and emphasizes the connection between you and a partner.

The practice involves focusing on the breath, staying present, and creating a safe environment to explore sensual intimacy. Remember the end goal of tantric sex is not orgasm, but being present in the given moment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Teen’s Guide to the Best Birth Control Methods

by Sian Ferguson

If you’re sexually active, or planning on having sex, it’s important to find a form of contraception that works for you. Regardless of your gender, sexual orientation, or genitalia, it’s important to consider which type of birth control to use.

This can be tricky for anyone. And if you’re a teenager who needs contraception, this can be even more difficult. You’ll have to consider other factors, like guardian consent, access, and cost.

The good news is that there are many kinds of contraception out there, each with their own advantages and disadvantages. While a healthcare worker is best equipped to help you figure out what’s best for your individual needs, this brief guide can help you choose a birth control method that works for you.

Before you choose contraception, there are a few things you need to know as a teenager.

There isn’t a ‘right’ age — if you’re ready, you’re ready

There’s no ‘right’ age to start having sex, whether that’s solo (aka masturbation) or partnered.

Some people have sex as teenagers, others wait until their twenties, and others choose to be celibate forever — and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s your choice!

Choosing to have sex is a personal decision, and it’s up to you whether you want to or not. Just remember to practice enthusiastic consent when you’re with your partner(s) and take measures to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Some — not all — methods may require a guardian’s consent

Depending on the method you want to use, you might need consent from a guardian if you’re a minor. Laws on this can vary from state to state, so it’s important to look up the laws where you live or talk with a local healthcare provider.

For more about where you live, check out our comprehensive state-by-state guide.

Some methods may require a pelvic exam

In order to use certain forms of contraception, such as an intrauterine device (IUD), you’ll need a pelvic exam.

During a pelvic exam, a doctor or other healthcare professional will take a look at your vagina and vulva, inspecting the area for signs of infection or other underlying conditions. Pelvic exams usually include a Pap smear.

While a pelvic exam is no big deal for some, other people aren’t comfortable with them. If you fall into the latter camp, you might want to opt for a birth control method that doesn’t require a pelvic exam.

With that said, it’s usually recommended that you have a pelvic exam every year or so after becoming sexually active.

Birth control can also be used for symptom management

Many people use birth control, even when they aren’t sexually active.

The pill is associated with a range of benefits other than simply preventing pregnancy. Some people go on the contraceptive pill, for example, to help reduce acne, heavy periods, and menstrual cramps.

You don’t have to stick with the same method forever

Remember: You don’t have to use the same contraception forever. In fact, many people change methods.

You might change birth control methods because:

  • you start experiencing side effects
  • you’re able to afford a method that works better for you
  • your lifestyle changes

Just make sure you talk with a healthcare professional before you stop using your current method and switch to a new one. They can advise you on the best way to make the transition, ideally minimizing any unwanted side effects during this time.

As with any other age group, there’s no real one-size-fits-all solution. The method you choose depends on what’s convenient for you and what works best with your body. For example, some people might experience side effects with one form of birth control, but not with others.

Here are some of the most popular and easy-to-use birth control methods.

The most accessible method: Condoms

Condoms are probably the most accessible form of birth control to you. They can be bought online or at a supermarket. And, unlike most forms of contraception, you don’t need a prescription.

Unless you have an allergy to latex or the lubricant commonly found on condoms, the side effects are usually pretty rare and mild.

A big advantage of using condoms is that they can also reduce your risk for contracting a STI.

They can also be used alongside other birth control methods, like an IUD and the pill, further reducing your chance of unwanted pregnancy.

However, in order for condoms to be effective, they need to be used correctly and consistently — and it’s not always as easy as it looks. Even if you do use condoms correctly, there’s a chance they’ll break.

The most effective methods: IUDs and implants

The most effective methods are the implant and the IUD. These are long-term birth control methods, but they can be removed early if you prefer.

A huge advantage is that you can get them inserted and then not worry about them. Compared with the pill, which you have to take every day, these options are pretty low-maintenance.

The implant is a matchstick-sized plastic rod that’s inserted under your skin. It releases the hormone progestin, which prevents ovulation.

According to Planned Parenthood, the implant is more than 99 percent effective. You don’t need a pelvic exam to obtain an implant, but you’ll have to see a healthcare professional to get it inserted.

You’ll need a pelvic exam and a prescription for IUD insertion, too.

There are two different kinds of IUDs: the copper IUD and hormonal IUD.

The copper IUD is a non-hormonal method, which is a bonus for those who doesn’t want to use hormonal contraception. The copper repels sperm, which is why it’s effective. The copper IUD can be left in for up to 12 years.

The hormonal IUD can be left in place for 3 to 7 years. It releases progestin, which prevents ovulation. Some people find that the hormonal IUD stops their period or makes it lighter.

With that said, some people find that implants or IUDs cause painful periods and bad PMS. Unfortunately, it isn’t easy to predict how your body will react to these birth control methods.

The most popular method: Contraceptive pills

Oral contraceptive pills are a very popular birth control method. You can use the minipill (progestin only) or the combination pill (progestin and estrogen).

There are some potential drawbacks. First, you have to take them every single day around the same time in order for them to be effective.

Second, some people experience side effects, like acne or breast tenderness, while others find unexpected perks, like lighter periods, less acne, and a more regulated mood.

Plan B and other emergency contraceptives

If you’ve had sex without a condom, or if you used a condom that broke, you might want to use a form of emergency contraception (EC).

Hormonal emergency contraception can include:

A copper IUD can also be used as EC if it’s inserted within 5 days after unprotected sex.

According to Planned Parenthood, emergency IUD insertion reduces the chance of pregnancy by 99 percent. However, you’ll need a healthcare professional to insert the IUD.

Fertility awareness (also called the ‘rhythm method’)

The rhythm method involves tracking your menstrual cycle to find out when you’re fertile. This helps you avoid penis-in-vagina sex — and other activities that may introduce semen to the vaginal canal, like fingering after touching pre-cum or ejaculate — around the fertile period. Doing so can reduce your chances of getting pregnant.

The fertility awareness method combines the rhythm method with observation methods (like tracking your temperature and checking your cervical mucus) to predict ovulation.

The effectiveness of the fertility awareness method depends on a lot of factors, including the method you use and how accurately you chart your cycle and symptoms.

This method can be combined with another method, like condoms, to further reduce your chances of unwanted pregnancy.

PSA: Withdrawal isn’t reliable

The contraception you choose depends on your specific situation. To help you figure out which method is best for you, ask yourself the following questions.

How well does it work?

You’ll want to use a very effective form of birth control. For this reason, it’s probably best to avoid something like the withdrawal method, which is known to be ineffective.

Is it easy to use?

Contraception is only effective when you use it correctly.

The easiest methods to “use” are long-term birth control methods, like the IUD or implant, because you don’t actually have to do anything. Once it’s inserted, you can basically forget about it.

The pill might not be ideal for someone who can’t remember to take it every day. But if this isn’t an issue for you, it could be a good fit.

Condoms aren’t always easy to use at first, but you’ll probably pick it up quickly with a little practice. Take a look at our guide on using condoms correctly for more information.

What are the potential side effects?

You can’t always predict if you’ll experience side effects. However, it’s important to be aware of the potential side effects of the method you choose.

If the side effects feel too uncomfortable or unmanageable for you, you can go off that form of contraception and use another one.

Some forms of hormonal birth control aren’t suitable for people with certain health conditions. Be sure to tell your physician or other care provider about your full medical history, including any underlying conditions or medications you take, so they can take this into consideration.

How much does it cost?

Cost is an important factor. If you aren’t comfortable asking a guardian or other trusted adult for assistance, or if money is tight for you and your family, read our guide to finding low-cost contraception in your state.

Can it prevent STIs?

Preventing pregnancy is only one part of the safer sex conversation.

One way to reduce your risk of contracting an STI is to use a barrier method along with another birth control method. If you aren’t keen on condoms, you and your partner(s) can get tested for STIs together. A local sexual health clinic or Planned Parenthood might be able to help.

While condoms can usually be purchased at your local store, you’ll need to see a healthcare professional to obtain other forms of contraception, like the pill or IUD.

If you have a primary care doctor, they can help you with contraception.

But, if seeing a general practitioner is too costly, or if you aren’t comfortable discussing birth control with your usual doctor, there are other options. This includes local health departments and family planning clinics, like Planned Parenthood.

If you’re a college or university student, they’ll probably have a health clinic that offers free or discounted services.

If you’re an adult helping a teen choose contraception, there are a couple points to remember:

  • Respect their autonomy. Remember that their decision to use birth control or engage in sexual activity is theirs.
  • Keep an open line of communication. Let them know that they’re able to approach you with questions if they need to.
  • Respect their privacy. They might not be comfortable discussing sex and birth control in detail. Be prepared to direct them to a doctor, clinic, or online resources if they have questions they don’t want to ask you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Real Couples Discuss How Non-Monogamy Benefits Their Relationship

It can be done.

By Kendall Keith

Monogamous relationships are challenging enough in their own right, but not everyone finds them to be compatible with who they are intrinsically. There’s often a moral stigma centered around ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM), and with that comes a disconnect and generalized misconception of what it means to practice it, including equating non-monogamy to commitment phobia, devaluation of multiple partners, and/or sexual promiscuity. According to recent research published in Frontier in Psychology in 2020, people tend to wrongfully assume that those in ENM relationships have worse sexual health than monogamous individuals, when the reality is the former’s sexual health is often no different than anyone else’s.

Now, to be clear, ENM or CNM (which are often used interchangeably), is defined as “a relationship style in which all individuals within the relationship agree to not being monogamous, and all individuals involved in the relationship are aware that it is not a monogamous relationship,” according to The Affirmative Couch, an online platform that advocates for the mental health of LGBTQIA+ individuals. Being in a non-monogamous relationship can actually be of benefit for some people and their partner(s), depending on one’s needs, says Helen,* who works for the video game industry and has been in an ENM relationship with her husband for five years. “The appeal of an ethical non-monogamous relationship [is that it embraces] the idea that love is not a finite resource,” she says to TZR.

People decide to become non-monogamous for various personal reasons, whether that be a lifestyle choice or a part of their identity, and how that is defined depends on the individual. David* (husband of Helen, mentioned above) tells TZR, that the couple originally opened the relationship when he came out as bisexual prior to proposing to his now wife. “She was incredibly supportive, and after listening to a lot of Dan Savage, attending couples therapy, and talking things through, we decided to open our relationship to allow me to explore my bi side,” he explains. “However, our version of an open relationship has evolved significantly over time.” The two now currently define their relationship as a cross between relationship anarchy (a term coined by author Andie Nordgren, meaning the union does not adhere to traditional standards or expectations) and polyamory (a relationship style based on the belief that one can love multiple people).

If you do a little digging, you’ll find that there are many forms in which non-monogamous relationships can take shape. Ahead, ENM partners share tips on how they navigate the style and offer insights on how to be successful in opening up your union.

non-monogamous relationships

Establish Boundaries Everyone Involved Can Agree On

Every consensual non-monogamous relationship has its own set of agreements that works best for everyone involved. “I’ve found that mutually creating and establishing a clear set of boundaries of what is comfortable for each person is crucial,” says Elaine*, a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, who is in an open marriage with her husband of one year, which allows them to date other people non-exclusively. “We are newer to non-monogamy after having been together for almost 11 years and are learning that these agreements can change over time.”

Helen explains that it took her a while to learn that traditional monogamy rules were a crutch for her. “I was using them to provide the illusion of control, and when I realized that the rules were arbitrary and [led to] some deep-rooted insecurities, I challenged myself to unpack and process them over time.” Doing so has allowed Helen and David to be brutally honest about their intentions without asserting any sort of constraint or need for control over the other person involved.

“For me, it’s less about primary versus secondary [rules], and more about what kind of commitments are being made,” says David. “‘Let’s get together when we can’ is different than, ‘I promise to set aside a day per week to see you.’ And ‘our relationship will influence my decision to move somewhere,’ is different than, ‘I will not move without you.’ My relationships have hit all those styles. But the potential for growth is often there — it’s just important that everyone be aware of intent and desires in order to let things evolve ethically.”

Communication Builds A Healthy Foundation

Given the nature of time invested with multiple romantic and/or sexual partners, communication is imperative. “Talking through things, with each other and those who are familiar with non-monogamy, provides a lot of introspection,” David says. Helen agrees, saying ethical non-monogamy has challenged her to keep an open mind and appreciate other people and partners on a deeper level. “I truly had to take a hard look at myself and process a lot of my own insecurities and unlearn a lot of detrimental behaviors,” she says. “I had to become a candid communicator, and I strive to always bring that into all relationships. I try to be more self-aware to understand my reactions and emotions rather than defaulting to something fleeting or thoughtless.”

Suzanne**, who is an actor and works in animation in Toronto, says that it’s freeing to be able to speak frankly on what she’s feeling, as well as her needs and wants, and it allows her to listen and be moved by her partners’ without judgement. “For me, it’s important to all be on the same page,” she says. Suzanne is in a polyamorous triad with her high school sweetheart, Ryan**, and Jayme**, whom she met at her first animation studio job. “We’re polyamorous by definition, but our relationship isn’t open. Sometimes, we fondly refer to it as ‘double-monogamy.’” Suzanne and Ryan decided to open up their relationship to Jayme once she realized she was developing feelings for her and coming to terms with her own bisexuality. “The three of us have found it within ourselves to be able to be supportive to more than one person. It’s just nice to be in love with my two best friends.”

Trust & Patience Are Indispensable

“All the conflicts typically seen in monogamous relationships — jealousy, insecurities, what we’re unhappy with or find lacking, possible infidelities and/or desires, etc., are all brought to the table and openly discussed,” Elaine explains of her non-monogamous arrangement. “It forced us to confront those issues, so we have a better understanding of each other’s intent, while assuring one another our love has not dissipated. In fact, our love and trust has grown significantly in doing so.” She adds that opening up her union alleviates the pressure of having to be everything to one person, something people often tend to unrealistically expect of themselves and their partners while in monogamous relationships.

“Non-monogamy made our relationship more secure,” says David. “We trust each other to raise concerns as needed, and try to not make assumptions. After we realized that our relationship wasn’t threatened by other relationships (be it platonic, sexual, or romantic), the ‘rules’ faded away. At this point, it’s more, ‘I trust you to act in your best interest and not do things that would make others uncomfortable,’ while also being respectful of privacy for the other relationships.”

Helen agrees with her husband. “It required a lot of patience and time to make sure we were evolving together while growing these other relationships,” she says. “I like to meet people where they are without expectations about who they should be or what they should provide. Trust is also a cornerstone of my relationships, and continuously finding ways to build and nurture that are very important to me.”

non-monogomous relationships

Tune Out the Naysayers

Facing the possibility of pushback from friends and family who do not agree with or have trouble understanding consensual non-monogamy is challenging, which means supporting one another and even finding a community within the CNM realm is paramount. “There’s some skepticism from a handful of friends and family,” Suzanne shares. But there’s hope as more people openly discuss what it means to have a successful relationship, monogamous or not. “Everyone close to us has come around, especially when seeing how well we work together as a team. It turns out we have many friends who are also polyamorous, so it’s encouraging to see the ways other people choose to shape their relationships beyond what gets touted as the societal default [monogamy].”

For others, it’s sometimes difficult to be open about their relationship without facing some sort of judgement. “We haven’t told our family for this very reason and have learned to filter out any sort of negative noise to focus on what matters, which is each other,” says Elaine. “People are always going to have something to say about things that typically go against the grain of conventional societal expectations.”

Love Yourself First

As is with any relationship, making sure you are whole is ideal, but that’s often easier said than done when another person of significance enters your world and can lead to negative patterns, such as co-dependency. “One of the key factors in maintaining a healthy, non-monogamous relationship for me is ensuring that your relationship with yourself is solid,” Helen discloses. “It can be challenging to navigate relationships when you are dealing with your own issues of self-love, and a lot of that negativity can project on to your partners, if not addressed.” David agrees and adds, “It’s made us more independent, as it requires a good deal of personal growth. In that respect, it has not only benefited our relationship, but our individual lives as well.”

In a way, monogamy and ethical non-monogamy are a lot more similar than one would think, and that’s a beautiful thing. “I find a lot of joy in building unique experiences with people that can evolve however we decide, without any preconceived notions,” Helen says. “I have discovered a much deeper love and appreciation for my husband that I do not know I would have found if we had decided not to open up. It has truly added another dimension to my life and I am always grateful for having the tools to better myself and share my best self with the people around me.”

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

**Last names have been removed per the participant’s request.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Keeping sex sexy when you’re trying to conceive

By a class=”byline-link byline-author-name” href=”https://www.insider.com/author/anna-medaris-miller” data-e2e-name=”byline-author-name”>Anna Medaris Miller

  • Sex with the sole goal of getting pregnant can take the fun and connection out of the experience.
  • Find ways to feel sexy without intercourse, sex therapist Ian Kerner said on the Pregnantish podcast. 
  • Seeking sexual moments between ovulation windows can also lead to more relationship fulfillment

Sex therapist Ian Kerner says there are three kinds of sex: recreational, relational, and procreative.

While the first can be fun and experimental and the second builds connection, the procreative type can be stressful, methodical, and often take the place of the other two.

“The move from relational sex to procreative sex can kind of strip out a lot of the other qualities that we’re used to having in sex and introduce a sort of … pressure and and a goal that creates all sorts of anxieties,” Kerner told Andrea Syrtash on her podcast Pregnantish. “And anxiety is the number one enemy of sexual health and sexual function and sexual arousal.”

But there are ways to integrate intimacy and eroticism into your sex life while you’re trying to conceive. Here’s what Kerner, author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex,” told Syrtash he recommends.

Keep having sex or sexual moments when you’re not ovulating

For heterosexual couples trying to conceive but not necessarily dealing with infertility,Syrtash, a sex and relationships writer who serves as editor-in-chief of the website Pregnantish, recommends maintaining intimacy even when the woman isn’t fertile.

That way, “you can keep the sexual connection outside of that ovulation conception window … so that it’s not all about the goal [of getting pregnant],'” she said.

Practically speaking, having sex outside of ovulation — a 24-hour window once a month — also means having it more regularly, and frequency matters, Kerner said. Studies have shown that couples who have sex once a week are most satisfied in their relationships. Any more doesn’t make a difference, but any less is linked with poorer relationship satisfaction.

“Really making that effort to hold on to sex is important,” he said.

Take ‘intercourse discourse’ off the table

Couples going through fertility treatments like IVF have different pressures when it comes to maintaining a satisfying sex life. They don’t have to have intercourse to procreate, and one partner may rarely feel in the mood, thanks to hormones that cause bloating, discomfort, and pain.

Add in the emotional toll of feeling like your body is betraying you, and getting busy in bed is an especially hard sell.

But Kerner says taking intercourse off the table and focusing on other ways to feel connected to and sexual with your partner. That can mean simply eyeing each other in the middle of the day and appreciating what makes the other one sexy, he said. 

“I think it’s absolutely OK to take sex off the table, but what I don’t necessarily think is OK is to lose all sense of sexiness or eroticism, or what I call the erotic thread, which is sort of the the space between sexual events,” Kerner said.

Look for, or plan, willingness windows

Lower the bar for how you think you’re supposed to feel before having sex. Rather than waiting until you’re both super horny, be open to moments when you’re simply willing to explore — again without intercourse necessarily being the end goal.

“You don’t always show up with desire for certain things, but if you recognize that something is important, like your own sexuality or your sexuality with your partner, then you can show up with willingness,” Kerner said. “Have the willingness to allow yourself to start to simmer and percolate some sexual cues.”

As Kerner told Insider’s senior sex and relationships reporter Julia Naftulin, this is what he calls a “willingness window,”

During that time you could read erotic books aloud, watch ethical porn, take a shower, enjoy a makeout session, or look back through photos of earlier in your relationship when you felt sexy. You can do anything that truly sounds fun and sexy to you both, Kerner suggested.

“Once couples or once an individual starts to engage with their sexuality and starts to sort of build up that arousal runway, then it really does lead to desire,” he said on the podcast.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Swinging?

A Guide to Being In ‘The Lifestyle’

From swapping to sex parties, here are the basics on this form of consensual non-monogamy.

By Maressa Brown

From experimenting with different sex positions to bringing accessories into the bedroom, there are a plethora of steamy ways to take your sex life to the next level. But more and more couples are flirting with the idea of non-monogamy as a way to find fulfillment. In fact, in a 2020 YouGov poll of more than 1,300 U.S. adults, about one-third (32%) said that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree.

“Some form of a non-monogamous relationship dynamic might be for you if the idea of being intimate with more than one partner excites you,” says Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast. “Some folks choose it to spice up their current partnership with newness and aliveness while others may do so to remedy sexual or emotional needs that are not being met in their current relationship.”

It bears noting that ethical non-monogamy can take a variety of forms — one of which is swinging, also referred to as being in “the lifestyle,” a sexual practice that involves engaging in sexual activities with another couple and single people. Here, how this particular type of consensual non-monogamy works and best practices for getting started.

The Basics on Being in “The Lifestyle”

Baldwin explains that a swinger, or someone in “the lifestyle,” is typically:

  • Married and/or heterosexual.
  • In a committed relationship.
  • Open to engaging in sexual activity with other people.
  • Aiming to have a shared experience with their partner.

That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well, says intimacy expert Susan Bratton. And they often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called “key parties”) that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships (most of which were put on hold over the past year due to COVID). 

“Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as ‘unicorns’ — but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys,” she notes.

You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search, but the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time to establish yourself as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group, explains Bratton.

What Swinging Involves In Practice

While swinging, partners might engage in “same room” sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves, explains Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, who adds that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in “separate room” sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Although partners might go their separate ways, says Baldwin, the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that somehow fuels more fire into the partnership.

There are also several levels of partner swapping that swingers will engage in, according to Melancon:

A “soft swap”: Involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.

A “full swap” or “hard swap”: Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal, depending on preferences).

“Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, so to speak, while for others they simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship,” explains Melancon, who adds that the level at which a couple is willing to swap could be related to either preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.

The Difference Between Swinging vs. an Open Relationship vs. Polyamory

While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don’t necessarily define their relationship as “open.” Think of “open relationship” as a bit of an umbrella term, suggests Baldwin. “It can encompass everything from purely sexual no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections,” she notes. And open relationships are more about satisfying each person’s unique needs, while swinging is a “team effort.” 

A third form of consensual non-monogamy: Polyamory, which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership, says Baldwin. “It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships, and even multiple committed partners,” she says.

How to Know if Swinging Is Right for You

If you’re unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most, reflect on whether you’re craving a shared experience with your partner, you might want to try swinging.

But if you want to exercise your own sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship, you might be more interested in an open relationship. And if you want to connect with and even love multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet, says Baldwin.

How to Start Swinging

Consider taking the following steps to dip your toe into the lifestyle.

1. Talk to your partner.

Once you’ve concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. “If they are a ‘maybe’ or a ‘yes,’ be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs,” suggests Baldwin.

And note that getting a “yes” from your partner is crucial. “Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging,” says Melancon. “If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure.” Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a “big red flag,” she points out.

2. The more communication, the better.

Prepare yourself for communicating more than you did when you were monogamous. “Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space,” says Baldwin.

For example, you’ll want to discuss rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you’re OK with. “It is essential to be comfortable discussing boundaries (i.e., ‘I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse’) and preferences (i.e., ‘I would find it really hot to watch you have sex with another woman’) with your partner,” says Melancon.

And make sure to go over safe sex practices (condoms, dental dams, and birth control) related to STI and pregnancy risk, says Melancon, who adds that regular STI testing is recommended for anyone engaging in sex with multiple partners. 

3. Take small steps.

Baldwin suggests starting out with “smaller, more tame experiences” — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you’ll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for both you and your partner(s).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex Is Different When You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

— Here’s How

by Sarah Lempa

For starters, even feather-light touch hits differently when you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP).

Powerful physical sensations, plus a need for deep concentration and actual connection, are often hallmarks of intimacy for HSPs.

Here’s the deal: An HSP’s nervous system processes external stimuli much deeper than others.

Scientifically named sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), it’s a completely normal genetic trait brought to light by clinical psychologist Elaine Aron in the ‘90s.

Personally, I like to say it turns up the volume of life: emotions, physical touch, sense of smell, you name it.

And, yeah, it sounds fancy and all, but we’re really not uncommon. According to Aron, HSPs make up about 15 to 20 percent of the world’s population.

Of course, high sensitivity isn’t a sole determinant of one’s sexual experiences.

The HSP experience varies so much from person to person, and it’s often dependent on a number of different factors.

These takeaways are based on my own experiences as an HSP.

Trust is a big deal, and having an actual connection is integral. I can’t speak for every sensitive soul out there, but I need to feel both physical and mental attraction to really get into intimacy.

Without it, sex feels incredibly pointless — more like some bizarre type of disconnected, yet mutual, masturbation than an experience of embodied pleasure. Hard pass.

After some trial and error, I finally figured this out in my mid-twenties. Now, I’m just not down to be with anyone I don’t feel a connection with.

And, for that exact reason, I highly recommend keeping a vibrator (or two, or three, or, ya know, seven) nearby until someone you truly fancy saunters into your life.

We might get irrationally bothered over a scratchy clothing tag, but it’s made up for by the undulating waves of pleasure that douse our bodies during intimacy (when we’re with the right people — who can be hard to find).

“The heightened nervous system rewards HSPs with extremely powerful orgasms,” explains Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Couples Candy.

“Particularly when slower and drawn-out sexual movements are made around erogenous zones with many nerve endings.”

Our physical pleasure is all in the details. So, that’s a resounding yes to starting slow, subtle, and with consent, as always. Delicate yet deliberate; I can’t think of a more winning combination.

The best sex, to us, is built up over time and ideally has a sprinkle of mystery. That’s not to say there isn’t room for daring adventures — it just takes the right combination and lead up.

Even outside the bedroom, HSP sexuality can be one hell of a force. Our inner worlds can whisk us to faraway places, sometimes delving into deliciously indulgent memories or fantasies for the future.

And, honestly, at this point I’m having a hard time concentrating on writing this section.

Deep pleasure takes a lot of concentration for us. Sometimes, little things can throw off our sensual groove, putting us into a fog of “now I’m not really feeling it.”

“HSPs can move from deeply engaged to disconnected at a moment’s notice,” Harrison explains. “A single rough touch or distracting noise can totally ruin the experience.”

A self-identified HSP, Harrison adds, “we’re so aware of external stimuli and emotions that managing the personal experience can become difficult with interruptions.”

RIP to that one brewing orgasm ruined by my partner’s dog jumping on the foot of the bed.

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the power of a really good sex playlist to minimize background distractions.

The HSP tendency to overthink is rife. Sex is no exception. Even in the most, uh, engaging situations.

Not only are we analyzing every fiber of our own sensations, we’re simultaneously trying to imagine how it’s all going from our partner’s perspective.

Emily Stone, PhD, LMFT, the founder and senior clinician at The Unstuck Group, knows it well. Stone says that HSPs sometimes have a “tendency to endure” in their relationships.

It’s not uncommon for us to neglect our own needs because we’re more so thinking about our partner’s experience, which can lead to getting lost in a sexual sea of thought.

When it all lines up right though, Stone says “an HSP’s gifts can bring delight, passion, and depth to the sexual experience in ways that no one else can.” Damn straight.

A good orgasm can send us into a buzzy haze of indulgence, and we might just devolve into a complete blob afterwards.

In “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love,” Aron explains that HSP folks might “find it difficult to go right back to normal life after sex.”

That’s because we’ve just gone through massive amounts of stimulation, and it’s probably all we’ll think about for at least the next hour or so.

That project you were working on? Yeah, probs not gonna happen anymore.

Open dialogue really is the golden ticket here, and it’s a two-way street.

While it’s taken me time to learn how to speak up about what I like and don’t like in the sheets, that assertion has helped my relationships greatly. It’s something we can all benefit from, regardless of where one falls on the sensitivity scale.

According to Shari Botwin, LCSW, a licensed therapist who’s worked with many HSPs, “non-HSPs need to be open to understanding their partner’s experience.”

“They need to be open to listening and communicating feelings before, during, and after intimacy,” she says.

You heard her: Don’t be shy.

The same goes for HSPs. It’s our responsibility to tell our partners what’s working and what isn’t — without worrying about upsetting them. Again, assert yourself. Your desires are worth it.

High sensitivity is a unique gift, and I’ll always see it that way.

It may take some extra self-discovery and communication to ensure your sexual needs are met. But, hey, what would any sex be without those two things? Nowhere near as good, that’s for sure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What It Really Means to Have Sexual Chemistry with Someone

You can feel it. But can you define it? Learn how important sexual chemistry is to your relationship.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Sexual chemistry is one of those things that you know when you feel it. It’s that desire to (consensually) make out with or rip the skivvies off any James Dean lookalike that passes by. Or, that unexpected shock and surge that hits your senses when you brush arms with a the hottie sitting next to you on the subway.

But putting the all-consuming affliction into words proves challenging. (Seriously, could you define sexual chemistry right now if someone asked?) What is sexual chemistry, specifically, and what’s behind this magic, magnetic experience? Better yet, how necessary is it for a good and lasting relationship? Read on for a crib sheet on sexual chemistry, according to pros.

Sexual Chemistry, Defined

“Sexual chemistry is the very strong but ineffable feeling that you feel in your body when you’re attracted to someone,” says Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and creator of Uncensored with Dr. Zhana, an online event series on sex and relationships.

Typically, this attraction is physical, but it can also be intellectual or emotional. Someone who is sapiosexual (meaning they’re first and foremost sexually and emotionally attracted to intelligent people), for example, might feel sexual chemistry with someone who they deem brainy or brilliant, explains Vranglova. On the other hand, someone who is greysexual and biromantic (meaning they rarely experience sexual attraction but have the potential to experience romantic inclinations toward people of two or more genders), might feel sexual chemistry with someone they want to wine and dine.

When you feel it, though, sexual chemistry is intense, says Vranglova. “It’s intoxicating, it’s distracting, and it can become all-consuming.” Psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D., resident expert with Love Honey agrees, adding that it can be, “electric,” “hypnotic,” and “irresistible.”

What Does Sexual Chemistry Feel Like?

Usually, you might register that you have sexual chemistry with someone because of the physical symptoms you experience when you see, feel, hear, think about, or smell the person. “Belly butterflies, dilated pupils, increased heart rate, spiked blood pressure, flushed skin, and perspiration are all common physical responses to feeling sexual chemistry with someone,” says Vranglova.

Sexual chemistry can also spur the symptoms you experience when you’re turned on, such as harder nipples, increased blood flow to the genitals, swollen and/or erect external genitals, and increased vaginal lubrication, she says.

What Causes Sexual Chemistry?

Unfortunately, there’s been very little scientific research exploring the causes of sexual chemistry. But Vranglova suspects it’s a combination of a few different things, including:

  • Biological factors: physical appearance, hormone levels, pheromones (chemical substances produced and released by animals, including humans, to stimulate other individuals of the same species)
  • Social factors: how similar someone looks to what you’ve been taught is attractive (via cultural beauty standards)
  • Developmental factors: whether someone reminds you of an earlier pleasurable experience or someone/something familiar or comforting

Is Sexual Chemistry Always Immediate?

While you might instantly feel sexual chemistry with someone — for example, the cutie who just walked into the restaurant, or the model you passed on the street — sexual chemistry can also develop over time, according to Vranglova.

Someone who is demisexual (meaning they only have the potential to experience sexual desire toward someone if an emotional relationship has been firmly established), might not experience sexual chemistry with someone until a year (or more!) into an emotionally tight relationship, she says. (Related: What’s the Deal with Asexuality?)

Other people — even if they don’t identify as demisexual — may not experience sexual chemistry with someone until further into their relationship. “Consider any couples you know who were best friends for 10 years before starting to date and have sex,” she says. “For these couples, the sexual chemistry was not instant, but built over time.”

Sexual Chemistry Can Be One-Sided

“It is absolutely possible for one person to feel like they have sexual chemistry with someone, and for that feeling not to be reciprocated,” says Vranglova. Which makes sense: Just because I get the tingles when I see Ruby Rose doesn’t mean she experiences the same sensation when she spots my author pic at the end of an article about lesbian sex.

If you’re curious whether someone you feel sexually and chemically drawn to feels the same toward you, Fleming suggests looking for hints such as sustained eye contact, shared laughter, lingering physical touch, and verbal flirts — or hey, just ask.

Yes, the best way to learn if the rush is reciprocal is to simply ask, says Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. You might say, “I find myself feeling really sexually drawn to you. Are you experiencing something similar?” or, “I noticed that we both go out of the way to touch each other more than I do with my other friends. Have you noticed that, too? Are you interested in being more than friends? Or have I misread the situation?”

Is Sexual Chemistry Necessary for a Relationship?

The short answer is nope! “We can’t make generalizations like that for all relationships,” says Kahn. “There are many people for whom sex and sexual chemistry aren’t important ingredients in order to have a successful, stable, and loving relationship,” says Vranglova.

The better question is if sexual chemistry is a must for you in your relationship(s), says Kahn. And for the record: It’s totally valid if sex and sexual chemistry are important relationship components for you.

Some questions to ask yourself as you determine whether or not sexual chemistry is important for you in a relationship:

  1. What are my priorities in my relationship(s)?
  2. What role does partnered sex play in my life? How do I feel during, after, and before having it?
  3. In an ideal world, how often would I be having partnered sex?
  4. Do I need the sex I have to be with my romantic partner(s)? Can I see myself exploring an open relationship or polyamory?
  5. What are my favorite ways to explore intimacy?

It’s important to note that while sexual chemistry is an essential ingredient in a relationship for some, unless a relationship is strictly sexual, sexual chemistry alone is not sufficient for a lasting, happy, and supportive relationship, says Fleming. “For a relationship to be sustainable, we usually need for it to be built on more than just sexual chemistry,” she says. (You’ll need things like communication, trust, mutual respect, and shared values, just to name a few.)

Sexual Chemistry Can Be Cultivated… to An Extent

Can sexual chemistry be erected between two people who aren’t even a little attracted to each other? Eh, probably not. But because we’re defining sexual chemistry as a feeling of attraction for someone that can be either instant or cultivated over time, it is possible to foster more sexual chemistry. Here’s how.

1. Be emotionally vulnerable.

“Self-disclosure can enhance physical attraction,” says Fleming. Sharing #deep info with your partner about your childhood, career aspirations, insecurities, and inner-most thoughts can promote a feeling of closeness that can foster greater intimacy — especially when the other person reciprocates, she says.

2. Let yourself fall in love.

Can you fall in love with someone with whom the sexual chemistry is just “meh” with? Actually, yes. “There’s a belief that first comes good sex, then comes good love, but that doesn’t have to be the order of things,” says Fleming.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Specifically, about sex! If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to make sex better, it’s talking about it. Throughout sexual play invite your partner to share their preferences, and unabashedly share yours. You might say:

  • “Ooh it feels so good when you [X]. Can you keep doing that?”
  • “Keep doing that!!”
  • “I’m not feeling ready for penetration yet, can we start with a little 69-ing?”
  • “I love the way it felt when you tasted me while teasing my ass last time… are you up for doing that again?”
  • “Can we add a little more lube.”

The takeaway? You can’t force sexual chemistry, especially if the other person isn’t into it. But before you write off a new app match, potential suitor, or friend because “the sexual chemistry just isn’t there,” give it a sec — there’s more to it than instant attraction, and the way it can build just might surprise you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why some straight men have sex with other men

Sexual encounters with men do not affect how these straight men perceive their identity.

By

Sexual identities and sexual behaviours don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognize sexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostly straight.”

Fewer people know that some men and women have same-sex encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians or bisexuals.

When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.

In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between identity and behaviour, and researchers from around the world – in the United States, Australia and the U.K. – have studied this topic.

It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.

Skirting around cheating

As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men, and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?

My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.

Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as, I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”

These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.

Legs together in bed
Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Identities reflect sexual, nonsexual aspects of life

In order to answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:

“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”

The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives.

Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming explained: “I would say straight because that best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.

It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexual is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.

Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviours shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Sexual encounters with men simply do not affect how they perceive their identity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Five of the best sex podcasts for your aural pleasure

Sexual relationships are changing, and sex podcasts are breaking the mould. Here’s a quintet we like

By Nenseh Koneh

I still remember my sex ed class in high school. Every other week, my teacher would have us read from sexual health books that had last been signed out by students two decades prior. With graphic pictures of STIs surrounded by penis graffiti on the corner of each page, the books only showed the negatives aspects of sex, and touted abstinence as the best option.

Ten years on, things have, mercifully, changed. Whilst my sex education included dressing a banana with a condom, some organizations are now helping sex talk in the classroom to be geared towards consent culture, rather than merely “no means no”. But when it comes to pleasure, conversation has remained traditional. Despite the fact that roughly 75% of women cannot achieve orgasm through penetrative sex, and that many men enjoy prostate stimulation, for example, the media is still rife with how to guides that are completely focused on penis and vaginal penetration.

Fortunately, sex podcasts, in talking about real-life sex issues, are breaking the mould. From hearing Black queer femmes talk about navigating the world of sex to unfiltered stories about threesomes, cam girls and swingers, these are some of the best sex podcasts to look out for in 2021.

Inner Hoe Uprising

Inner Hoe Uprising is a podcast by a rotating group of four twentysomething Black queer people living in New York that is dedicated to sex, love and dating in different parts of the US. They talk about plenty of sex, but also how the Black experience varies from person to person. For example, one of their most recent guests talked about moving to Tucson, Arizona, and how he faced challenges in his personal life due to being in a predominantly white town.

There is also a current affairs segment called Fuck That, which brings awareness to issues pertaining to sex, love, gender and race, among others. Some of the most recent topics covered include the trans bills passed in Florida banning trans athletes, and the self-proclaimed “sexual addict” shooter involved in the Atlanta spa shootings.

Better In Bed

Love talking about sex but hate not having anyone to talk to about it? Better In Bed is a fun and informative podcast hosted by Sara Tang, a sex coach and educator. The podcast (and Tang’s career in general) was inspired by bad sexual education in school, and seeks to act as a corrective.

Tang talks about sexting, toys, BDSM and orgasmic meditations (which allows an orgasm by slowing down and becoming mindful of yourself, rather than rushing and over-focusing). Having trouble imagining it? Well, no worries – in one episode, Tang, with the help of YOLO coach Ying Han Cheng, demonstrates an orgasmic meditation live by performing actions on her clitoris. The practice is meant to be a calm and relaxing experience that channels your own pleasure, possibly changing your entire perspective on orgasms.

Along with a rotating guest list of other sex educators and friends, the show mixes personal experiences in with tips. Even if you think your sex life is satisfactory now, Tang’s podcast, which is well researched and full of surprises in every episode – will help you have more fun.

Sex with Strangers

If you love sex, culture and travel, this podcast will be right up your alley. Sex with Strangers is a traveling sex podcast hosted by Chris Sowa, who travels the world to talk to new “strangers” about sex in every episode. From a trans cam girl who grew up in a conservative US town to an Australian couple that has had threesomes with at least 22 women, no topic is off limits.

Sowa uses the cross-cultural element of his work to analyse what is on offer for the sexually curious in different places, from Icelanders joining in their country’s hook-up and BDSM culture, to the rope bondage and love hotels on offer in Japan.

Due to the pandemic, Sowa’s travel is currently limited, but he is still able to call in his international guests.

We Gotta Thing

Ever wanted to learn about swinger relationships, or secretly desired to be in one? We Gotta Thing, hosted by a married couple going by the names Mr and Mrs Jones, may help you break the ice on the topic. With 37 years of marriage under their belt, the couple talks about every aspect of their lifestyle, all while drinking cocktails. The couple shows us that more goes into “swinging” than people may perceive, including how to reject a couple you have no sexual desires for, how to address consent in a situation defined by blurred lines, or how to budget your newfound swinger sex lifestyle.

Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin

Although this podcast has been around for quite some time – since 2017 – it was revolutionary for its time, and still is. Who else to look towards for advice about sex and relationships other than a psychotherapist?

In Where Should We Begin, Perel invites listeners to a therapy session between her and a new couple every episode, delving into some of the most taboo topics in relationships, and coming up with inventive ways to spice things up in the bedroom.

Perel, a therapist known for her motto of “fixing the sex first”, broaches topics with couples who have serially cheated on each other, trying to find the perfect balance of effort in an international long-distance relationship, and even a wife having sex with other women after years of frustration in her marriage and sex life. Perel does not hold back with her questions as she wants the couples to benefit from her services as much as possible.

The 50-minute podcast is well edited, with plenty of soundbites from the session and Perel’s additional take in between. She also offers guided questions for each episode that may make you play devil’s advocate and spike interest in something you might not have previously considered.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!