For some men, this freelance sexual investigation can, and often does, produce some very interesting, unique and even downright strange styles of self-pleasuring, that sadly, often do not lend themselves to partnered sex. But according to Dr. Dick, with proper motivation and some focused redirection, men can learn to climax with a lover as well as on their own.
A Foundation of Masturbation
Those of you who know me know that I am a fierce advocate of masturbation. I contend that self-pleasuring is the foundation of a happy, healthy sex life for both women and men. I’m also a proponent of couples masturbating together. The mutual joys and the important information shared in this way are indispensable.
But masturbation can be a double-edged sword, so to speak. I say this because most of us guys learn to pull our pud early in life—and most of us discover how to do this on our own. This freelance sexual investigation can, and often does, produce some very unique, and even downright strange, styles of self-pleasuring. And there in lies the rub, no pun intended. Some masturbation techniques, pleasurable though they might be, do not lend themselves to partnered sex. And so, over the course of the next several weeks, we’re going to take a, well, hard look at male masturbation—from right to wrong, and everything in between.
Here we have Wayne, a 26-year-old man from Philadelphia:
Hey Dr. Dick,
I have a little issue that has stumped me, my doctor, and numerous urologists. I figure there’s no harm in asking one more person. I have never—not once—been able to come normally. I suppose there is a normal way, considering every other guy I’ve ever met has been able to do it “by hand,” but the only way I’ve ever achieved orgasm is by laying on my stomach, putting pressure with a slightly closed fist on the spot where my dick meets the rest of my body, and sliding back and forth.
Weird aside: This was a way to lift myself up off the floor and “fly” as a young kid. Then one day, I found out that it was pleasurable. I know…weird little kid.
Anyway, fast-forward to my twenties and becoming sexually active, and now I have a concern. I want to be able to come by having intercourse or just jacking off, but I’ve never been able to. I can get very close—never have a problem getting hard—but the deal just doesn’t happen. Any thoughts?
Interesting masturbation technique you got there, my friend. While it’s unique, it is not the most distinctive style I’ve encountered in my career. Someday I oughtta write a book. What’s most amazing to me about what you write here is that this predicament of yours has stumped all the physicians you’ve consulted. I suppose that says volumes about how informed most doctors are about human sexuality.
Simply put, Wayne, over the years you’ve habituated your body to respond pleasurably to a particular stimulus. Ever hear of Pavlov’s dogs? Right! What we have here is precisely the same thing. You apply the stimulus: laying on your stomach, putting pressure with a slightly closed fist on the spot where your dick meets the rest of my body, and sliding back and forth, and your body responds with an orgasm.
Most all of us, both female and male, discover the joy of self-pleasuring accidentally. Your first encounter with masturbation, although you probably didn’t know that’s what it was called, was through your boyhood attempts to fly. And fly you did! As you suggest, most other people discover self-pleasuring in a more conventional way, through touch. Thus the more “normal” (and I use that word in quotes) means of getting one’s self off is manually.
Your unique style of self-pleasuring is completely benign, but it doesn’t really lend itself to partnered sex, as you say. I mean, how awkward would fucking be if you had to get off your partner and on to the floor to come? The same is true for the men out there that jerk off with a very fast motion or a heavy death grip on their dick. They will, no doubt, find it difficult to climax during partnered sex.
So is there a solution? Sure there is. And it’s not a particularly difficult nut to crack…so to speak.
Let me tell you about a former client of mine. He was about your age when we met several years ago. He presented a similar concern to yours. He learned to masturbate in the same position as you, lying on your stomach, but he got off by humping a pillow. Try as he might, he never was able to get off any other way. It was driving him crazy. He couldn’t date anyone, because he was too embarrassed about the whole pillow thing.
Over the next four or five weeks, I helped my client learn a new way of self-pleasuring that would lend itself to happy partnered sex. The object was to rid himself of the need for the pillow altogether, and we did this is incremental steps. Luckily, my client was a horny little bugger. He masturbated at least twice a day—sometimes even more frequently. I decided to use his natural horniness as part of the intervention.
My client had to promise me that he wouldn’t masturbate in his traditional way for an entire week—absolutely no pillow sex! If he failed to keep his promise, he would have to start all over from day one. At first he couldn’t see the purpose of this moratorium, but I insisted. By the time I saw him next, the poor boy had blue balls for days. So he was primed and ready to go. His next exercise was to change position for his first masturbation after the weeklong moratorium. He could masturbate with his pillow, but he had to lie on his back. He was not permitted to roll over on to his stomach. This wasn’t immediately successful, but his pent-up sexual energy finally carried the day and he got off in the first new position—on his back—since he learned to masturbate.
The following week, I gave him a new exercise: While on his back, he could use the pillow to rub himself, but only to the point where he was about to come. At that point, he was to put the pillow aside and finish himself off with his hand. This was only slightly more difficult than the previous exercise, and within two attempts, he finally got himself off with his hand for the first time in his life. The rest of his therapeutic intervention was simply following this behavior modification course of action till he didn’t need the pillow at all.
I assume you see where I’m going with this, right? You could do this same sort of intervention on your own to learn a new and more traditional way of masturbating, but you’d probably have more success working with a qualified sex therapist. Why not look for one near you by visiting the American College of Sexologists online?
The firm desire to change a behavior or habit is the most important aspect of the process of change. Second is denying yourself the convenient and habitual stimulus—in your case, your flying masturbation style—will drive you to find a replacement means of getting off—a more traditional, manual style. Weaning yourself off one style of masturbation incrementally ’til you are successful in replacing that style with another is the most efficient means of behavior change. I encourage you to give it a try.
Between the sorry state of sex education in the United States and a comparative lack of widely accessible LGBTQ+ sexual health resources, it takes a while for most queer and trans folks to learn — and name — the type of sex they want to have. This can be especially true for those who prefer non-normative types of sex or simply feel a bit boxed in by depictions of queer sexuality in the media or online. Often overlooked in popular representation of queer sex, outercourse, in particular, is a great way for folks across the gender, sexuality, and ability spectrum to explore pleasure.
As a catch-all term, “outercourse” describes the many sex acts and erotic activities that lie outside of internal (often called penetrative) sex. There are so many reasons queer and trans folks are drawn to outercourse, according to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers. For many people, outercourse may feel more affirming and pleasurable “particularly if you are undergoing bottom surgery recovery or getting used to your new growth because of HRT,” says Stewart.
Outercourse is often confused with foreplay — and for some people it is — but it can also be its own thing. Whereas foreplay is more like an appetizer, outercourse is about the holistic experience of sex, more of a potluck of pleasure than any single entrée.
Below, queer sex educators share everything you need to know about outercourse including what it is, how to have it, and why you might love it.
What is outercourse?
Outercourse describes sexual or erotic activity that does not involve internal vaginal and/or anal sex, or in other words non-penetrative sex. Often, outercourse is used as an umbrella term for external-only sex or hookups, but it encompasses a variety of sexual or erotic acts like mutual masturbation, oral sex, or grinding. But more on that later!
“Some people may view outercourse as foreplay and others may view outercourse as the main course,” says Lena Peak, a queer sexuality educator and founder of Eros Insights. “There’s no definitive answer here, you and your partner(s) get to define these terms for yourselves, or even reject them altogether!”
“One of the main reasons people might enjoy, prefer, or prioritize outercourse in their sex lives is because it de-centers penetration as the pinnacle of sex,” adds Peak. Traditional heteronormative sex — or intercourse if we want to get specific — is often defined by the presence of cis men and centers their pleasure. Outercourse, on the other hand, upends this narrow, more hegemonic understanding of sex and what “counts.” It allows people of all genders and bodies to imagine, speak back, and co-create the kind of connection they crave — regardless of the specific sex acts involved.
As a result, outercourse is a mainstay for many queer and trans people, particularly for those who may experience gender dysphoria, have a history of trauma, certain medical conditions, or disabilities, in addition to folks who simply prefer this type of pleasure.
Is it the same as abstinence?
No, outercourse isn’t the same thing as abstinence, but there is some nuance here.
Generally speaking, abstinence is the decision to refrain from sex or sexual activity, particularly P-in-V sex. Some people choose abstinence for moral, cultural, or religious reasons, while others opt to take a purposeful break for personal or medical reasons. Abstinence is also used for pregnancy and STI prevention.
But what exactly qualifies as sexual activity, or being abstinent more generally, depends on the person. For some, anything “beyond” kissing is off the table, while others consider everything except internal sex to be chaste. With such varied definitions, it’s possible that one person’s sex is another person’s abstinence. So while there can be overlap between the physical acts of outercourse and some types of abstinence, the main difference is intention.
Whereas abstinence is about limiting or distancing oneself from sex or gratification, Stewart says outercourse is inherently about receiving and giving pleasure. Make sure to have a conversation with any potential partner about how you define sex, outercourse, and abstinence.
How do I have outercourse?
The good news is there’s absolutely no “wrong” way to have outercourse. The only limit is your imagination.
To get you started, there are the usual suspects: heavy petting (or touching someone, often their genitals, indirectly through their clothing), oral sex, mutual masturbation, and hand jobs. Fingering may also come into play here, which means using your fingers and hands to arouse yourself or your partner. Typically, fingering refers to touching a vulva, clitoris, or anus. Though fingering often includes internal vaginal or anal touch, it doesn’t have to. Grab some lube and use your fingers to touch your partner’s vulva with long, gentle movements to “warm up,” before playing with their clit. Unless your partner is into it, you should avoid sharp, prodding motions. Instead use the pads of your fingers and focus on stroking motions.
You might also opt for grinding, which is sometimes referred to as “dry humping” or “tribbing.” Usually, this involves rubbing your genitals against someone’s body (like when straddling someone’s waist or thigh, for example.) The infamous act of scissoring is in this general family of touch as well, though it involves direct genital contact.
There are also sex acts that don’t focus on genitals, instead opting for a more integrated or erotic approach, like sensual massage or deep kissing. Some kink activities like impact play, bondage, or sensory play also fall under this category. If you’re not sure where to start, Peak recommends setting time aside to explore pleasure mapping, which involves using different types of external touch and sensations on different parts of the body. This can help you not only identify how you like to be touched, but also discover and potentially “map” new erogenous zones on your body.
Though these are all great jumping-off points, it’s important not to get too bogged down with what is or isn’t considered outercourse. Just focus on what turns you on. “Rather than narrow your scope to certain specific behaviors, try making a list of all of the areas on the outside of your body that you enjoy stimulating or that you’re curious about stimulating,” sex educator Cassandra Corrado tells Them. “How do you like for them to be touched? What types of touch do you want to try? What about your partner, how do they like to be touched, and where? Create your menu from there.”
As with any type of sexual or erotic contact, you should always discuss boundaries, consent, and safe sex practices. Remember, if the outercourse activities you’re engaging with involve genital touching or any contact with sexual fluids, you can still spread STIs.
Why is outercourse important for queer folks?
Though anyone can enjoy outercourse, it can be especially powerful for queer and trans people. First and foremost, the term is a way to name the type of sex that feels best to you and start a conversation about what feels right (and hot) for you and your partner(s).
Second, outercourse can be a framework to help you take a big step back, think about what you’ve been consciously and unconsciously taught about sex, what’s “normal,” and create your own road map for meaningful shared pleasure.
“By prioritizing, or at least normalizing, outercourse, it makes space for us to reconfigure the sexual scripts that many of us are handed early on. It allows us to prioritize experiences that bring us pleasure and fulfillment, rather than following the sexual behavior escalator to its ‘final destination,’” says Corrado. “And it allows us to take a much wider approach to our sexual decision-making, encouraging us to think about our and our partners’ bodies, boundaries, desires, and pleasures in a more expansive way than society may have initially taught us.”
Infertility is often thought of as a female problem, but one in three IVF cycles in Australia involve male infertility.
We recently published a review of the literature on whether men diagnosed with male factor infertility experience greater psychological distress than fertile men or men with an infertile partner. We found irrespective of the cause of infertility, men in couples with infertility have more symptoms of depression, anxiety and general psychological distress, worse quality of some aspects of life, and lower self-esteem than fertile men.
Research also shows sperm counts are declining worldwide, and that lifestyle and environmental factors can reduce male fertility.
While most male causes of infertility aren’t preventable, it’s important to know how to keep your sperm as healthy as possible. Here are five things men can do to boost their fertility.
1. Try to be in the healthy weight range
Obesity causes hormonal changes that have negative effects on semen, including the total number of sperm, the ability of the sperm to move, the number of live sperm, and the number of sperm with a normal shape.
The good news is the adverse effects on fertility caused by excess weight in men are reversible. Regular exercise and a healthy diet can help reduce weight and improve sperm quality.
There’s strong evidence a healthy diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, low-fat dairy, and seafood, and low in red and processed meats, sweets, and sweetened beverages is linked to better sperm quality.
2. Avoid recreational drugs
Recreational drug use is associated with poorer reproductive health. Psychoactive drugs such as cocaine, benzodiazepines, heroin, methamphetamine, oxycodone and ecstasy negatively affect male reproductive functions, including sexual urge, testosterone production, sperm production, and sperm quality.
While research on the link between marijuana use and sperm quality is inconclusive, some evidence suggests frequent marijuana use can reduce sperm quality and is a risk factor for testicular cancer.
3. Stay clear of anabolic steroids
Some men use anabolic steroids to enhance their physical performance and appearance. Globally, it’s estimated about one in 16 men (6.4%) use anabolic steroids sometime during their life. Male weightlifters aged 20-39 years, competitive fighters, and security personnel are among the most common users of anabolic steroids.
Studies show most men start producing sperm again within a year of stopping anabolic steroids. But a recent study of men who became infertile as a result of anabolic steroids found that for some there is long-term damage to sperm production.
In this study of men who had stopped using anabolic steroids and had a six-month course of hormone treatment to improve sperm production, more than half still produced no sperm at all or very few sperm after six months.
4. Quit smoking and vaping
We all know tobacco smoking is terrible for our general health, but there’s now evidence it’s also bad for male fertility and reproductive outcomes.
In the past decade, vaping has become increasingly popular, especially among young adults. More than 500 e-cigarette brands and 8000 flavours have been commercialised. There’s now growing evidence from animal studies that vaping can harm male reproductive health, and experts recommend avoiding vaping when trying to conceive.
5. Reduce exposure to environmental chemicals
In our everyday lives we’re exposed to many different environmental chemicals – through the products we use, the food we eat, and the air we breathe. So-called endocrine-disrupting chemicals can reduce the quality of sperm and cause problems with fertility because they can mimic or block male sex hormones.
It’s impossible to avoid these chemicals completely, because they’re all around us. But you can take some simple steps to reduce your exposure, including:
washing fruit and vegetables
eating fewer processed, canned or pre-packaged foods
drinking from glass or hard plastic bottles, rather than soft plastic bottles
heating food in a china or glass bowl covered with paper towel or a plate rather than using plastic takeaway containers or those covered with cling wrap.
To inform men about how to look after their sperm, Your Fertility, a fertility health promotion program delivered by the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority, teamed up with Melbourne comedian Michael Shafar to create some helpful educational videos.
— Why awareness and prevention are essential to avoiding sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
STI testing is often recommended annually. However, your lifestyle, health history and other factors can affect how often you can be tested.
By Sadia Arshad
Discussing sexual health, pleasure and STI testing for older adults can seem taboo, even in social circles or health care settings. While sex can be a great source of fun, connection and excitement, the unsexy reality of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) exists, even as we age.
One study examined the sexual health and lives of older adults, noting that over 50% report engaging in sexual activity. While older adults have sex, there are several misconceptions about preventing STIs, such as the lack of condom use, sexual health education for older adults and the lack of discussions around sexual health.
STI rates have steadily increased nationwide and are expected to increase, causing a demand for understanding STI testing for older adults and STI prevention awareness.
More people find sexual partners via dating apps and social networks, leading to increased sexual encounters without adequate education on STI prevention. In addition, STI rates have steadily increased nationwide and are expected to continue to increase, causing a demand for understanding STI testing for older adults and STI prevention awareness.
STI Testing for Older Adults
STI testing is something that anyone, regardless of age, can feel shy, embarrassed or hesitant to talk about. Testing can be done in many health care settings and doesn’t have to be done precisely at a women’s, men’s or sexual health clinic.
If you have a primary care provider (PCP), your PCP can order STI testing. It is important to note that many health care providers do not receive formal training on discussing sexual health, let alone discussing sexual health and STI testing for older adults.
Talking with your partners and educating yourself are significant steps to ensuring you are in control of your sexual health.
You can take your time and search locally to see who can be a good fit for you to discuss your sexual health needs. You can also educate yourself on STIs and testing options. You can even order an at-home STI testing kit for you and your partner(s).
If you engage in sexual activity, such as oral sex, anal sex or vaginal sex, you are at risk of contracting an STI. Talking with your partners and educating yourself are significant steps to ensuring you are in control of your sexual health. It’s time to be prepared so that you can have the best sex life possible.
Common Bacterial STIs
Chlamydia is a bacterial infection and among the most common STIs. It can be tested via a urine sample or localized swab, such as a vaginal swab.
Gonorrhea is a bacterial infection that has earned public attention for newer antibiotic-resistant strains. It can be tested via a urine sample or localized swab, such as a throat swab.
Syphilis is another bacterial infection and has earned much public attention for making a nationwide resurgence after almost being undetected in America for years. It can be tested for via a blood sample.
Typical Viral STIs
Human Papilloma Virus or HPV:HPV is the most common STI in the United States and can lead to certain cancers if left untreated, such as cervical or oral cancer or genital warts. Many times, HPV can remain dormant in someone’s body for years without any signs of infection. Testing is done via a Pap smear for women, but currently, there is no approved HPV test for men.
Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV): HSV is a viral STI that can be transmitted via skin-to-skin contact. Like HPV, HSV can remain dormant in someone’s body for years without any signs of infection. HSV testing is done via blood sample.
Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV): HIV is a viral STI that can progress to acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS) if left untreated. HIV can be transmitted via breast milk, blood, semen and vaginal fluids. It can be tested for via saliva or blood sample.
Other Common STIs
Trichomoniasis is a parasite that can be transmitted via sexual contact. It can be tested via a urine sample or localized swab, such as a penile swab.
Hepatitis A is a type of liver infection that can be transmitted via the oral-fecal route, such as when someone is engaging in oral sex on the anus or eating contaminated food. Hepatitis A can be tested via blood samples and prevented with the Hepatitis A vaccine.
Hepatitis B is another type of liver infection that can be transmitted sexually and via blood. Like Hepatitis A, it can be tested for via blood sample and prevented with the Hepatitis B vaccine.
Your lifestyle, health history and other factors can affect how often you can be tested for STIs.
When looking for STI testing, whether using an at-home kit or in your doctor’s office, ask or look to see which infections will be tested for. Remember, you can ask your doctor about particular sexual health concerns, and the doctor will review them with you.
Costs and Results
Unfortunately, an exact cost is hard to provide, given the nature of insurance coverage and the types of tests you get. Contact your insurance company or seek STI testing at your local public health departments if concerned about cost.
STI tests are often available within a few weeks, like other medical testing. Most health care practices have online patient portals in which you can see your results when they are posted. If you test positive for an STI, most clinics will notify you and discuss your STI management options.
How Often Should You Get Tested for STIs?
That is a personal choice, as that frequently depends on how much sex you are having. If you are having sex with the same person and that person is having sex with only you in a monogamous relationship, then your risk for STIs is not as high as someone who engages in casual sex with various partners.
Generally, STI testing is often recommended annually. However, your lifestyle, health history and other factors can affect how often you can be tested for STIs.
Morevoer, the most common STI symptom is no symptoms. Many people have perceptions of STIs only affecting certain people, such as people who “look dirty” or “look like they have a lot of sex.” Untreated STIs can lead to chronic pelvic pain, pelvic inflammatory disease and possibly more health complications.
Many older people are having sex, are contracting STIs, and are not being offered STI testing because of ageism, negative bias and shame around sexual health.
Talking to your doctor about your sexual health questions and asking about STI testing can be nerve-wracking at times, yet it is critical to your health. Sexual health is health care and an essential part of your well-being.
Sex and technology have long been intertwined – millions of us use dating apps to find partners, and some of the earliest commercial online activity revolved around pornography.
So, it’s not surprising that generative AI – technology that enables computers to create realistic, lifelike content in many forms – is already creating new avenues for exploring digital sex and intimacy.
From chatbots and image generators to AI-enabled sex toys and even lifelike, functional robots, new opportunities for exploring intimacy and fantasy are quickly becoming a reality.
Of course, this raises some important ethical questions. How will this explosion of possibilities reshape our perceptions and attitudes of such fundamentally human experiences as sex? What is the role of consent when we involve intelligent machines in our intimate lives? And what might the impact of developing sexual relationships with technology be on our emotional and psychological well-being?
AI-Powered Intimacy And Relationships
Virtual influencers are widely used by brands to promote and sell products, but today, they are also regularly selling sex. OnlyFans rival Fanvue hosts virtual models – who also promote themselves on Instagram – offering adult content and chat to a growing fanbase.
Sika Moon is one such model, with over 300,000 followers. Other sites like Candy.ai, DreamGF and VirtualGF let users create their own virtual girlfriends that will then engage in explicit chat with them and even send revealing pictures of themselves. When I spoke to them a while back, the people behind DreamGF (men, unsurprisingly!) said that they are getting ready to take this to the next level with AI-generated video.
As well as virtual influencers that exist entirely in the digital realm, these sites also offer real live models the chance to create AI versions of themselves that will handle the time-consuming work of chatting to fans for them.
While virtual partners can happily exist in the digital world, some are already doing their best to bring them into the physical world. Sex robots have been in development for a long time, and while they haven’t yet made it to market, models like Harmony are getting close. While the development of these robots initially focused on replicating the “look and feel” of human beings, the advent of generative AI means they are now being equipped with personalities of their own.
Interestingly, Dr Kate Devlin, author of Turned On: Science, Sex and Robots, says that her research shows potential buyers are just as interested in the companionship that these robots offer as they are in the sexual possibilities.
For dating app users who are fed up with being ghosted, Flure has come up with a solution. Their AI, Anna, is “always on” and promises to give each user her undivided attention. This allows users to exchange an unlimited number of messages and pictures, all personalized to their own taste.
Generative AI is also making its way into sex toys. Manufacturer Lovense has created the ChatGPT Pleasure Companion, which is capable of narrating erotic tales based on its users’ preferences while in use.
It’s even been reported that a growing number of people are identifying as “digisexuals”. This means that their sexuality is primarily defined by their use of technology- be it online pornography or cybersex.
The Ethics Of AI Sex
All of this clearly shows us that human sexuality is evolving alongside technology – just like every other aspect of our lives is.
But is it all harmless fun? It’s easy to see that some people might become dependent on virtual or AI-based relationships to the detriment of their ability to form bonds with real humans.
This could cause problems if we consider that AI partners have the potential to be very personalized and compelling. Programmed purely to please and perfectly in tune with their users’ specific desires, they could become very addictive, and some people might find themselves feeling that they are falling in love or becoming dependent on their AI partner.
Another issue is that the ease with which AI can fulfill fantasies means that these simulated, virtual experiences could easily distort expectations of real-life sex and intimacy. Once someone is used to an AI partner that always puts them first, how will they feel about having to take a human partner’s needs and feelings into consideration? Just like how early exposure to pornography has been shown to impact expectations of sexual relationships, this could be particularly concerning when we are talking about young people with limited experience of interpersonal relationships.
And where does consent figure into all of this? After all, an AI partner can’t say no – or at least, can be programmed never to say no. Does this have the potential to normalize unhealthy or one-sided power dynamics within relationships?
The questions raised by the issue of consent within human/AI relationships must be carefully considered to ensure they don’t compromise our ability to build genuine, human relationships built around reciprocal feelings, desires and respect.
AI And The Future Of Intimacy
The impact of AI on sexuality and intimacy is likely to have far-reaching implications.
Thinking beyond recreational sex, AI has the potential to enable new forms of therapy and sex education. This could help individuals to learn about themselves and perhaps even heal the damage done by negative experiences in a safe, simulated environment.
However, the hyper-real experiences that could soon be available—particularly when we combine technologies like generative AI, robotics and virtual reality—create a need for ethical guardrails that will ensure this is done responsibly.
One thing that’s certain is that sex sells, meaning that businesses will always be happy to provide products and services that fill this niche.
This means we must learn from past experiences, such as the impact that the explosion in the availability of online pornography has had on society.
Crucially, the ethical concerns we’ve identified here have to be proactively addressed to ensure that we establish clear guidelines and minimize the potential for harm as we move into a new era in human sex and relationships.
When you hear the word “submissive,” what do you think of?
Many people think sexual submissiveness is all about allowing yourself to be (consensually) “punished” or otherwise denigrated, but the reality is much more complicated.
And thanks to either sensationalist or outright false portrayals by movies and pop culture, myths and misinformation continue to abound when it comes to this unique area of sexuality.
In this piece, we spoke to several leading sexperts in the world of BDSM and beyond who know what it means to navigate submissive play time in a healthy, safe way.
So if you’re curious about exploring your submissive side, or wondering what that might look like, read on.
What Is Sexual Submission?
“Sexual submission is a form of power exchange and a way to experience a consensual negotiation of surrendering power or decision-making to another person,” says Mark Cunningham, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, psychedelic therapist and owner of Adaptive Therapy.
Ideally, says Cunningham, these actions are things that are discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to the experience.
“These negotiations define how one person may demand or take action toward another person,” he says.
If that sounds a little vague, it’s in part because submission is a broad concept. BDSM play is not a “one size fits all” or uniform area of sexual expression in the least.
“There is almost no ‘always’ when it comes to BDSM play,” says BDSM educator and author Jay Wiseman.
Being a submissive can thus vary widely depending on what you and your partner agree to.
“Sexual submission can involve the use of props, toys, ropes, nipple clamps, cages, and so much more,” says Cunningham. “Or it can purely be a psychological or behavioral relationship that does not involve any use of items.”
In other words, how you play is all down to you and your partner (or partners).
It’s also important to remember that “submission and kink are not always related to one another,” clarifies Leighanna Nordstrom MA, MFT-C of Break the Mold Therapy. “Kink is about non-normative sexual expression (i.e., trying all the things you didn’t learn about in traditional sex ed); submission is about power and control (i.e., allowing someone to determine how you feel and behave during certain scenarios).”
Meaning, you can be in an otherwise “vanilla” relationship, but still have a little power exchange dynamic in a sexual relationship, or you can use submission as a vehicle to explore various kinks, such as those that often fall under the umbrella of humiliation play.
Being a Sub Isn’t Set in Stone
It can be useful to see “submissive” and “dominant” power dynamics as appetites, instead of hardened identities. (And being a submissive also does not necessarily make one a “bottom” automatically either, contrary to many people’s assumptions — it’s definitely possible to bottom while domming, and vice versa.)
In a tutorial video, the world-renowned sexologist, educator and author Midori discusses the differences between topping and bottoming, and how these terms can work in the context of BDSM power exchange — but can also apply even if you’re more on the vanilla side, too.
“Top is usually the person doing an action — being in charge, doing the tying, doing the spanking, or being physically on top, or going ‘into’ the other person’s body with a finger, tongue, dildo or penis. Top may or may not include being dominant or sadistic,” Midori explains.
“Bottom is the person who is receiving the actions: being spanked, poked, nipple-clamped, penetrated, or following the orders. Bottoming may or may not involve being submissive [all the time] either,” she adds.
Therefore, this is why, as Midori suggests, it always a good idea to ask a current or potential new partner what exactly they mean when they say: “I’m a submissive” or “I’m a bottom” — and really listen to their explanation, because all too often people make the mistake of assuming that expressing sexuality is a uniform experience or undertaking when this is not the case.
Additionally, Midori cautions against assuming that our sexual appetites for how we want to experience sexuality are set in stone: “Sometimes we get really stuck in the idea that ‘I am a top’ or ‘I am a bottom’ [but] don’t narrow yourself, paint yourself into a corner being attached to an identity; these are ‘appetites,’ not identities,” she explains.
As such, it is totally normal for your appetites to change or evolve over time — it’s merely human nature.
As Nordstrom says, “If you’re reading this, you may be developing a new appetite for submission in sex. This could be because your appetite for dominance has been more than sated, or because you have become curious what other possibilities sex could hold if you were to experiment.”
Exploring Sexual Submissiveness & Masculinity
If you’re curious about sexual submission but worried that your sexual partner(s) might see you as less manly if you’re not fulfilling the dominant archetype, that’s understandable. It’s normal to experience anxiety when we crave the acceptance of a partner and are not sure how they will react.
However, if you “zoom out” and look at the bigger picture, you can see where this anxiety is ultimately born from outdated social stigmas and sexist stereotypes of manhood and gender roles.
As Cunningham suggests, ask yourself a question: “First, whose values/definition of masculinity are you using to define your masculinity, and do you agree with that or is this something you have simply adopted without much reflection?”
Cunningham also notes that “many top leaders in positions of power like CEOs, or high-ranking military members for example, are drawn to submissive play because of the freedom, excitement, and healing that they can experience in moving outside of their ‘normal’ mode of operation as a leader or position of power.”
“Sex is a powerful way for us humans to cope and express parts of ourselves that we may struggle to access in our day-to-day lives,” he adds.
In other words, you could be the most powerful man in the world, with days filled with success and conquering, but at night you might find yourself wanting the release of surrendering to a partner who’ll be in control.
Kink and power exchange can be a great, temporary escape from reality and the baggage that comes with the performative roles we all play in mundane society.
In short, you are not “lessened” in the least by wanting to explore submission; being brave enough to admit your true desires and allowing yourself that opportunity means you can be enhanced by a new depth of connection and variety in your sex life.
How to Talk to a Partner About Your Submissive Desires
Ok, I want to explore: What are some ideas for communicating with my partner about my submissive desires and fantasies?
Assuming your breakfast conversation does not get particularly kinky, you might be in need of an “icebreaker” or two. Not to worry! There’s no need to make this terribly complicated or convoluted…
“Having a ‘catalyst event’ for bringing up the conversation can be an easy “in,” says Nordstrom. “You might say, ‘Hey, I was reading this magazine, and it made a suggestion about having positive, playful conversations about sex with your partner. I’d love to try it! Would you?’”
Or, Nordstrom adds, “Instead of springing your newfound submissive appetite onto your partner, consider trying to have a positive conversation about your whole sex life, and work the submissive appetite into the conversation.”
In other words, “zoom out” and share with your partner what you already really enjoy about being with them–and then ask them what they’re enjoying — and would like to try. This way, you both have the opportunity to be and feel heard.
As another “in,” Wiseman also suggests commenting on a book, movie, TV show or other piece of pop culture that depicts a D/s dynamic.
And notwithstanding submissive desires, having an understanding of your partner’s fantasy life can help you to better understand where they are coming from and what might excite them.
Nevertheless, it’s always good to remember that it totally is normal for someone to have sexual fantasies that they do not necessarily want to act out in real life—so never, ever take for granted the need to establish clear consent.
Now, if you and your partner already enjoy open communication about your sex life (yay!), then by all means go ahead with a straightforward Q&A session.
Midori suggests you ask your partner how they would like to feel in a dominant role.
“This isn’t about what toys to use or what you end up doing,” she explains. “This is about the core of [their] pleasure, leading to your hot submission. [Do they] want to feel adored, cruel, gentle, imperious, fickle, selfish, nurturing, powerful, or….? Then ask yourself how you want to feel: surrendered, willful, obedience, devotional, small, strong, enduing, obliterated, vulnerable, or…? And [then] find an overlap of emotional journey in your scene.”
Additionally, give yourself and your partner some grace, especially if you are navigating uncharted waters together.
“It is very common to have fear, uncertainty, confusion and many other challenging feelings in addition to excitement and curiosity when considering submissive exploration,” says Cunningham. “Do your best to name and even journal about your feelings and thoughts and to share these with your play partner so you can feel a greater sense of connection, understanding and ultimately intimacy.”
But remember: this erotic play time should also be a source of unabashed joy and delight; being open to the experience fuels the enthusiasm, Nordstrom says.
“When it comes to trying out any new sexual behavior, I have to remind my clients that sexisplay!” she explains. “This means that it may be cumbersome, awkward, messy, confusing, or funny. But it shouldn’t be a job with an expected outcome. Going into new sexual scenarios in a curious mindset opens doors for anything to happen, instead of just focusing on one specific outcome.”
Best Practices for Exploring BDSM Submissiveness
According to Wiseman, good ‘best practices’ include getting adequate education and talking ahead of time about what will occur. In other words, sexual submission is not something you ever do (or expect your partner to do) ‘spontaneously,’ and certainly never under duress.
As with many other pursuits, when you are new to BDSM, it’s best to start slowly, as Nordstrom suggests: “My recommendation when partners are playing around with power dynamics is to always start slow, evaluate how different sexual acts are working, adapt behaviors as needed, and then go deeper into the dom/sub roles.”
“I cannot stress the importance of consent enough,” Nordstrom adds. “Creativity can take over when partners engage in BDSM. That said, it’s still VERY important to check in each time a new idea gets added to the sexual scenario. With consent comes trust (i.e., I believe you will ask me before you do something new to my body AND I believe you will tell me if I’ve done something that went too far).”
Nordstrom continues: “Safe words or actions are vital to any kink/BDSM scenario. Simple, easy to say words are best for safe words. “No” is not a good safe word, because, depending on the intensity of the scene, you may be begging your partner to stop when what you really want is for them to keep going.”
And this is where sexual submission can baffle outsiders.
“The funny thing is that in a power exchange relationship, the person who is in the submissive role is actually in a greater degree of control, because of their prior defining of their soft/hard boundaries and in their ability to create the play scene and rules with the dominant or master partner(s),” Cunningham explains.
As such, it is important to understand that the best BDSM scenes involve mutual collaboration between the submissive and the dominant well ahead of play time. If the power exchange feels one-sided or reluctant, then it’s really not a true exchange and the excitement is lost.
“Kink desires are much like appetites,” Midori says. “Creating a scene with your partner is like planning, cooking, and sharing that meal together. Even when you are surrendering in the scene, the creation is collaborative. Both of you have to like the ingredients and the whole meal for it to be fantastic.”
Multiple sclerosis (MS), like many other chronic medical conditions, can affect every aspect of a person’s life, including their sex life. MS can create physical and emotional barriers that must be overcome to have a healthy sex life. Here is what you need to know about sex and MS.
MS can decrease sex drive and cause sexual dysfunction in men and women.
The emotional toll of MS can affect sexual function and intimate relationships.
Sexual dysfunction caused by MS is treatable with medication and other therapies. Patience, communication, and therapy can help improve relationship problems caused by MS.
Multiple Sclerosis (MS)
Multiple sclerosis affects 2.8 million people worldwide, including 1 million people in the United States alone. MS is an immune-mediated disease that occurs when the body’s immune system attacks healthy nerve cells, ultimately preventing nerves from communicating with one another. MS affects nerves within the brain and throughout the body, causing both physical and mental problems. MS affects the body and the mind, both of which are involved in sexual function.
MS can affect different parts of the brain as well as different parts of the body. This causes people with MS to have different symptoms, severity, and disease progression. While individual experiences with MS vary, MS presents similar challenges and difficulties for everyone.
Physical effects of MS
MS can cause a variety of sexual problems, both directly and indirectly. These are described as primary, secondary, and tertiary sexual dysfunction. Because the brain plays a role in many different bodily functions, problems with communication within and outside the brain can affect sexual function by influencing hormone levels, mental sexual arousal, and physical sexual response. There are many, often unexpected, ways that MS can impact your life.
The effects of primary sexual dysfunction caused by MS include:
Low libido (sex drive).
Numbness or decreased sensitivity of the genitals.
Erectile dysfunction.
Poor vaginal lubrication.
Difficulty achieving orgasm or ejaculation.
Secondary sexual dysfunction caused by MS includes:
Muscle weakness.
Muscle spasticity.
Fatigue.
Pain.
Incontinence.
Emotional effects of MS
Sex is both physical and mental; your mental or emotional state affects your sex life. MS can have a profoundly negative impact on mental health and relationships.
Tertiary sexual dysfunction includes problems caused by the emotional and psychological effects of MS.
Depression can cause sexual dysfunction by lowering sex drive, decreasing sexual arousal, and preventing or delaying orgasm. Low self-esteem and poor body image can lead to emotional insecurity. Physical and emotional problems caused by MS can make it difficult to establish and maintain intimate relationships.
How to improve sex with MS
MS, like other chronic illnesses, can force you to make adjustments to how you would normally do things in your day-to-day life; this includes sex. You can improve your sex life by understanding the effects that MS has on your body and mind and making changes to your physical and emotional approach to sex. Treat sexual dysfunction
MS causes sexual dysfunction in men and women, but it is treatable. There are many treatments available for erectile dysfunction, but there are also treatments available for women with sexual dysfunction marked by difficulty with arousal and orgasm.
Treat female arousal problems with Addyi (flibanserin) or Vyleesi (bremelanotide).
Use water-soluble lubrication liberally.
Use sex toys to increase stimulation.
Make adjustments based on your limitations
Weakness, pain, and physical limitations can make sex more difficult, but you can make adjustments to your sexual routine to account for these things.
To overcome physical limitations caused by MS:
Adjust sexual positions to increase comfort, reduce pain, and improve stimulation;
Use medication to help with incontinence;
Take medication side effects into account; adjust when you take medications.
Building better relationships with MS
Physical difficulties caused by MS are only half of the problem; the other half is mental. Building and maintaining healthy intimate relationships can be difficult regardless of physical limitations or emotional problems. Relationship problems affect everyone at some point in their lives, whether you have MS or not. Any relationship, sexual or not, can benefit from self-care, patience, and good communication.
To have a healthy intimate relationship with MS:
Seek support, therapy, and/or medication to deal with emotional problems;
Communicate your needs, desires, and expectations with your partner;
Consider couples counseling or sexual therapy.
Communication is the cornerstone of any interpersonal relationship. Good communication is essential for healthy intimate relationships, especially when there are barriers that make intimacy more difficult. Perhaps the most important steps you can take to strengthen a relationship is to share your expectations with your partner and work together to meet those expectations.
Multiple sclerosis takes a physical and emotional toll on those who suffer from it. MS can decrease sexual drive, impair sexual function, make sex physically difficult, and damage intimate relationships. Fortunately, there are ways to improve sexual drive and function in those with MS by using medication and other sexual dysfunction therapies. Additionally, understanding the limitations to sexual activity caused by MS can help you make adjustments that allow you to meet your physical needs. Finally, patience and good communication with your partner are essential for establishing and maintaining a healthy intimate relationship.
A diagnosis of MS is life-changing for both you and those closest to you. MS presents many challenges to living a “normal” life, but those challenges can be met and conquered. Don’t let a diagnosis of MS or other chronic illness keep you from pursuing intimacy or other things that help make life fulfilling.
— Marriage and ‘soulmates’ are out; finding inner peace, self-development, and building stronger friendships are in
By Daisy Schofield
It was a visit to her grandmother at the end of last year that made Hope Woodard, 26, from New York, realise that it was time to quit dating. During the visit, Hope’s grandma, who has dementia, lent over to her and showed her the messages she’d been sending to her late husband.
At the time, Hope was obsessing about a guy from Hinge who she’d gone on a few dates with. “I was just on standby all the time and checking my phone like a crazy person,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “And I was just so aware of the fact that he couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died.”
Seeing her grandmother sending texts into the ether was a sharp reminder of her own love life. “I come from a long line of women who have never been able to live without men,” says Hope. “It just made me think: this is going to be me. I’m getting ghosted by a guy, and my grandma’s getting ghosted by her literal dead husband. I was like, we have to stop the cycle.”
Shortly after the visit, Hope deleted all her dating apps, and made a rule with herself: no more dates for a year. Then, armed with a catchy new term coined by her sister, Hope started documenting her ‘boy sober’ journey to her half a million TikTok followers. The caption for the first video, which she shared in November, read: “Should we start a CULT.” In a later video, Hope laid out the rules of going boy sober, among them “no dating apps”, “no dates, no exes”, “no situationships”, and “no hugs and kisses – etcetera”.
The term quickly took off, and soon enough others were boarding the boy sober train. Among them is Carly Galluzo, aged 28 and also from New York, who went boy sober earlier this year, citing similar behaviours to Hope as the reason for her decision. The pattern is a familiar one: she’d fall for someone quickly, find herself totally consumed with thinking about them, and then become bitterly disappointed when they didn’t live up to her expectations.
The last time this happened was in January, when Carly met a guy off an app and fell for him in a short space of time. “I was just having these obsessive thoughts; I wasn’t really sleeping. I was just thinking, ‘What are our lives going to look like? What is our wedding going to look like?’” says Carly. “I’d only been speaking to him for one week.”
When it didn’t work out, she was once again left feeling “angry and upset”. “I’ve been single, but whenever I’ve been single, I’ve been searching,” Carly continues. “It made me think that maybe I should just stop this whole thing, press the reset button, and really reflect on how I’ve been dating my whole life.” In January, Carly deleted her dating apps and hasn’t been on a date since. Even when she’s had people reach out to ask her on a date – some who she could picture herself with romantically – she’ll tell them that she “isn’t dating at the moment”. Unlike Hope, Carly hasn’t set an end date for her boy sobriety.
While Carly and Hope’s decision to cut out all romantic encounters may sound drastic, wanting to take a step back from dating is a feeling many will be familiar with. Dating app fatigue is steadily on the rise, as people tire of the endless swiping and expensive dates that go nowhere. “If you’re feeling burned out by dating, it might be time to have a little bit of a break. Focus on what you love doing, and on the people in your life who matter,” says Natasha Silverman, a relationship counsellor withRelate. “When you’re feeling more confident and secure, it tends to be that you come to dating from a really different place. You know who you are, and what you’re willing to tolerate.”
Silverman adds that people often use dating and sex “compulsively, or to numb negative feelings or low self-esteem.” These tendencies, she says, “could be a sign that it’s time to focus on you, and how you can look after yourself”.
“I’m not scared of being alone anymore. I’ve established so many good friendships”
The desire to quit dating – even if it’s just temporarily – also reflects changing attitudes to love and relationships. Marriage and the concept of a soulmate are increasingly considered outdated, while self-development and building stronger friendships are taking on greater importance. According toresearch by Bumble, almost half (47%) of 18 to 24-year-olds in the UK say that platonic friendships are more important to them than romantic ones.
Both Hope and Carly say that forgoing romantic relationships has led them to form deeper platonic friendships, which has helped them to feel less worried about meeting certain milestones, like marriage. “I don’t feel lonely, whereas I did in relationships,” says Carly. “I’m not scared of being alone anymore. I know that won’t happen, because I’ve established so many good friendships.”
While ditching dating can help people to gain more perspective about what their priorities are, re-entering the dating world post-boy sobriety isn’t always easy.Stephanie Fabry, age 27 from Los Angeles, quit dating when she was 24 after a series of sexual encounters that made her self-worth “crumble”. “I really wanted to start attracting men who were actually going to treat me right and with respect,” she says. After struggling initially – she had sex with someone not long after resolving to stop hooking up with people – Stephanie went completely “cold turkey”, giving up all romantic interactions for a year.
When Stephanie did start dating again, it wasn’t how she imagined it would be. “I was still attracting the same kind of guy – people who wanted casual sex over getting to know me – and I was finding it really frustrating,” she reflects. “My standards were now super high, so I started to think, I’m okay being single forever.” Although she’s now in a secure relationship, it took Stephanie a while to open up to people again, and to lose the “shield” she had put up after not dating for so long.
Stephanie now wishes she’d taken a less puritanical approach. “I’m really grateful for the year that I took off dating, but I didn’t have to become so hyper-independent,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “I could still have made guy friends and started to form connections in a way that’s healthy. If I could go back and do it differently, I would focus more on what I wanted to feel in my next relationship.”
Silverman stresses that abandoning dating entirely isn’t necessarily going to solve the negative emotions or behaviours dating might give rise to. “You don’t know what’s going to come up until you’re with someone else,” she says. “We only learn who we are when we’re with others.” Besides, the value of flirting shouldn’t be overlooked. “It’s good for our emotional wellbeing and our sexual self; to cut that out altogether might potentially get you out of practice.”
“The point of boy sobriety is to try to rewire my brain and my old habits”
Hope is still grappling with what it means to be truly boy sober. When we speak, she admits to having fallen off the wagon and slept with someone a week ago – or what she terms a “boy lapse”. “Initially when it happened, I felt like such a hypocrite. I was being so hard on myself,” she says. “But then I started thinking about what the point of boy sobriety really is, which is to try to rewire my brain and my old habits.”
She’s now pushing for a more expansive view of what it means to be boy sober to her followers, stressing that it does not have to equal celibate. “One thing that I don’t want this word to reinforce is making any woman feel like she can’t or shouldn’t have sex if she wants to,” she says. “I feel like we’re all still learning how to have sex in healthier ways, and I want women to feel empowered when they’re dating and having sex.”
For Hope, total independence from sex and relationships “isn’t the goal”. Understanding why she feels the way she does in romantic situations, and how it relates to things like past traumas, is what she’s looking to figure out now. “Maybe that’s what the word means,” she concludes. “Taking a very sober look at your dating life.”
I’m married to a man 16 years my senior, so trust me, I’ve heard it all:He’s too old for you. How would you have anything in common? I’m sure it won’t last. What does a 28-year-old woman want with a man in his 40s — other than his money? After that, though, comes the question I inevitably get asked most of all: What’s the sex like?
Of course, the question comes as no surprise to me; it’s natural to wonder how sex plays into the equation. When it comes to age-gap relationships, a dynamic widely debated as of late, the curiosity around sex makes sense. Plus, according to a 2022 Ipsos poll, nearly four in ten Americans have previously dated someone with a large age gap, and 57 percent of singles say they would be open to dating someone 10-plus years older or younger.
In a time when different relationship dynamics are being more openly talked about, and folks can take ownership of their pleasure and sexuality in ways that have never existed before, finding what works for you may come to mean partnering up with someone 15 years older (or younger) than you.
Justin Lehmiller, a psychologist and sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute who’s studied the impact of age gaps on sex, says that it can be hard to paint broad strokes because dynamics between couples can vary based on factors like the size of the age gap or the baseline level of desire for sex.
“People tend to project a lot of assumptions onto age-gap relationships, such as assuming that older partners are going to have lower libidos or that age differences necessarily create a dominant-submissive dynamic,” Dr. Lehmiller tells POPSUGAR, “However, the reality is that there’s vast individual variability and different age-gap relationships might have very different sexual dynamics.”
Although there is a stereotype that the older partner in an age-gap relationship calls the shots sexually, the same Ipsos study found this to be more myth than fact, showing that 59 percent of couples said they initiate sex equally. In my marriage, one might naturally assume that I am the one with the higher sex drive because I’m in my 20s, but in actuality, we’re pretty equal there. That said, that might not be true for every age-gapper.
Aside from dealing with the assumptions and stereotypes that come with an age gap, there are real benefits to sex outside of your age demographic. A new Ipsos study from this year found that among women who have dated younger men and men who have dated older women, sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, as well as fun and enjoyment in the relationship, were rated good to excellent.
“I have heard from many people in age-gap relationships who say they’re having the best sex of their lives,” Dr. Lehmiller says. “Sometimes it’s the younger person saying that being with an older, more experienced partner is great because they’re sexually confident, good at sex, and invested in providing pleasure. Other times, it’s an older partner with a high libido who appreciates being with a younger partner who can ‘keep up.'”
Drew, 45, is in a relationship with a 31-year-old woman. He says he enjoys being with his younger partner because she is more in tune with her sexuality and pleasure — a big jump from his experiences with women of his age. For him, choosing a younger partner wasn’t just about the novelty, but more about being with someone with intimate knowledge of their desires and how to communicate them.
For Caitlin, 25, who is seriously dating a 38-year-old, having sex with someone older has given her the ability to reap the rewards of an experienced partner, while also learning more about her own sexual expression. Instead of having to tip-toe around her partner sexually, like in her past relationships with men her age, being in an age-gap relationship has given her a new sense of confidence.
These stories aren’t unlike mine. Before meeting my now-husband, I had never been with a male partner with whom I could openly share my desires or let myself surrender sexually. I was always so uptight, and rather than exploring what made me feel good, I worried about putting on a show. The first time we hooked up was the first time I felt seen and cared for sexually, and I attribute a big part of that to his age and life experiences.
Of course, no relationship is perfect, and there can be some downsides to sex in a large age-gap relationship, too. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a Kinsey-certified sexologist and relationship coach, says differences in sexual experiences can lead to disconnection, where one partner may desire fast-paced, exciting sex while the other craves deep, passionate, sensual, and slow encounters.
The age of both partners can also influence how open they are to different types of sexual exploration — and that may not always line up.
“The main downsides to sex in age-gap relationships that I sometimes hear about are when a health issue arises that make sex difficult or impossible or when desire lacks,” Dr. Lehmiller says, “These issues can, of course, emerge in any relationship, whether there’s an age-gap or not. But when one partner is substantially older than the other, these issues may be more likely to emerge or they may happen with greater frequency.”
Olivia, 42, once dated a man who was 28. When it came to their sex life, the only downside was that she began to experience pain during sex, and ultimately, it made her feel like she couldn’t match his desire.
It’s important to remember, however, that sex will ebb and flow in any relationship. The trick, it seems, is to be willing to ebb and flow with it, allowing yourself to learn more about yourself and your partner.
“I was in a sexual relationship with someone in their fifties when I was in my twenties and I would say I appreciated what my older sexual partner brought to our relationship and my life,” Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn says. “I was able to learn to feel more confident in bed. He was comfortable giving me feedback so I felt like I grew a lot as a sexual being during our relationship.”
Though there’s room for growth, conversations around pleasure and sex — and not just penetrative – are taking place more frequently thanks to access to other perspectives via social media, more resources widely available online, and more inclusive language and terms to describe sex that exist now that didn’t even just 15 years ago. It feels as though there is much more room to expand, no matter what age you or your partner are.
For myself, as someone who speaks openly about and has been in an age-gap relationship for over five years, it seems clear that I (and my partner) are continually learning more about ourselves, sexually and beyond, no matter our ages. Being with someone outside of our respective age brackets only amplifies that.
So, what’s the sex like? Brilliant, beautiful, sexy, fun, expanding, and growing.
If your sex life has taken a hit recently, trying this 20-second trick could help boost physical intimacy.
As many parents will know, your sex life can change quite dramatically after you have kids. Between sleep deprivation, postpartum hormones and leaky or sensitive boobs thanks to breastfeeding, you’re likely feeling as though you’ve gone off sex. And even when your baby gets older, busy family life means being physically intimate with your partner might remain low down on your list of priorities.
So, if you feel like you need to spice up your relationship, then you’re not alone. But trying something new in the bedroom like tantric sex isn’t the only way to do this -there are much simpler things you can do to improve your sex life.
Appearing on a recent episode of the Diary of a CEO podcast, doctors John and Julie Gottman – who have been married for 36 years and spent decades studying relationships – shared a few small things couples can do to improve their relationship. But there was one habit in particular that makes a difference to sex life.
Citing research published in the book The Normal Bar, Dr John said, “There are really about a dozen things that people do and have a great sex life – saying, ‘I love you’ every day and meaning it is one of them, giving compliments, romantic gifts, having a lot of touch, and cuddling.”
And it turns out cuddling is key, as he went on to say, “Of the people who don’t cuddle, only four per cent of them said they had a great sex life. Ninety six per cent of the non-cuddlers had an awful sex life. So touch is very important – even physical touch and affection in public was a big thing.”
So, if you feel like your sex life has been neglected recently, try to take some time to cuddle, and you might notice the difference. Dr John Gottman recommended that twenty seconds is the optimal length of time for a hug, because this releases oxytocin, which makes you feel safe and connected psychologically.
This was found by a study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, in which almost 200 people (who were partners in couples that were living together) were given the very stressful task of public speaking. But before the task, half the group had the benefit of a 20-second hug from their partner, while the other half just rested quietly on their own. Both men and women in the hugging group showed lower stress levels.
Feeling safe and calm with your partner is key to improving sex life, particularly for women, as Dr John explained in the podcast. Speaking to host and entrepreneur Steven Bartlett, he said: “Men don’t need to feel safe to feel sexual, women do. Women need to feel psychologically safe and that means emotional connection – it also means there can’t be a long to-do list of things that they have to get done.”
This might explain why you rarely feel in the mood for sex after having kids – because chances are your to-do list feels neverending. But as well as that 20-second hug, communicating your needs and explaining the mental load to your partner could help you feel more physically connected again.
We have yet another reason to feel sorry for straight women — and another reason to celebrate the joy of lesbianism. According to a new study, lesbians are much better at getting their partners to orgasm than straight men (but really, we already figured as much).
The first phase asked 476 lesbian and heterosexual women about their most recent sexual experience. Lesbian women reported orgasming 20% more than straight women.
The second phase of the study focused on bisexual women, asking them to imagine sex with both men and women and reporting how likely they think they’d be to orgasm in each scenario on a scale of one to seven. Imagining sex with women yielded an average score of 5.86, compared to only 4.88 for hypothetical sex with men.
There was some common ground for all the women in the study, though: no matter their own sexuality or their partner’s gender, clitoral stimulation was the key to reaching orgasm.
Kate Dickman, one of the study’s lead authors, offered some advice for those struggling to climax (or struggling to get their partner there). “If women, or men partnered with women, want to increase their own or their partners’ orgasm, they should create an environment that encourages orgasm pursuit through diverse sex acts, particularly those involving clitoral stimulation,” she wrote.
To that end, the researchers discovered a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: when they were having sex with other women, the study participants thought they had a greater chance to orgasm, and because they were expecting it, it was more likely to happen. In other words, expecting to orgasm means you’re more likely to, and so far, lesbians have been better at setting high expectations.
“The problem is not inherent to men or to being heterosexual, but to the dominant sexual scripts associated with heterosexual sex,” explained Grace Wetzel, another of the study’s authors. “Sexual scripts are flexible and can be changed.”
Basically, straight men need to take a page from the lesbian book and give straight women the foreplay and attention they deserve.
If you live in New York, it’s very possible you’ve recently found yourself chatting with a co-worker, or listening to the table next to you at a restaurant, and heard some variation of “They just opened up, and they’re so much happier.” Or “My partner’s partner truly sucks.” Ethical non-monogamy isn’t new (The Ethical Slut, the polyamorous bible, came out in 1997), and it isn’t exactly mainstream, but it isn’t so fringe either (or reserved for those who live in the Bay Area). A curious person might be tempted to download Feeld or let their partner know over salmon they’re ready to let in a third. But though people don’t talk about it in hushed tones anymore — Riverdale just ended with Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica in a quad, after all — it isn’t such a simple thing to do well. There are a million things that can go awry, from the small and awkward (oversharing about a date) to the enormous and life-imploding (ending an otherwise fine relationship). The poly-curious among you likely have questions about the day-to-day operations — how do you tell your kids about it? Where do you find people to date? What if your partner gets way more matches than you do? What if their new partner is way hotter than you? To that end, we’ve created an exceedingly in-depth guide. We talked to nearly 40 people — some who’ve had open relationships for decades, others who only recently opened things up — to figure out how to capably, or at least less messily, date non-monogamously.
Is There Only One Way to Do It?
There are many, and choosing which one suits you depends on a lot of factors: Are you currently in a relationship? If you are, do you want other relationships to take equal priority? Do you want to fall in love with other people or just have sex with them? A non-exhaustive taxonomy.
Open Relationship: In a strictly technical sense, this is when you and your partner can have sexual, but not romantic, relationships with other people.
Swinging: A couple who have sex or dates with other people as a duo.
Hierarchical polyamory: When you and your partner can have relationships — romantic or sexual — with other people but have agreed to remain each other’s primary partner. You might pursue these relationships as a couple or separately.
Nonhierarchical polyamory: There are no primary partners in this scenario — everyone is on an equal footing.
Solo-poly: A single person pursuing multiple intimate or sexual relationships while trying to avoid riding the Relationship Escalator. This means you’re not particularly interested in, say, sharing a home or bank account with any one person.
Wait, What Is a ‘Metamour’?
Becoming non-monogamous doesn’t mean you have to join a ten-person polycule or memorize ‘The Ethical Slut.’ Still, there are terms that many non-monogamous people will use while discussing their arrangements, and it’ll make things easier to familiarize yourself with at least a few.
Comet partner: A romantic or sexual partner who might live far away or appears in your life only occasionally. When around, you pick up your tryst, but there are no obligations to one another between these meeting points.
Compersion: The pleasure you derive from your partner enjoying romantic or sexual happiness or success with a person who isn’t you. The opposite of jealousy.
Kitchen-table polyamory: A style in which everybody in a polyamorous network — primary partners, tertiary partners, metamours — is encouraged to form close and friendly relationships with one another (without necessarily being romantically involved) to the point where they can all sit down and have dinner without its being weird.
Metamour: Your partner’s other partners whom you are not also dating.
Monogamish: Often attributed to relationship columnist Dan Savage, this arrangement is at the halfway point of monogamous and open: You and your partner are exclusively committed to each other but allowed purely physical encounters on the side. Think of Cameron and Daphne from White Lotus, season two.
New-relationship energy (NRE): The all-consuming, chemistry-altering high that accompanies the early period of being romantically involved with a new person. NRE, and the chance to experience it many times, is cited as one of the biggest perks of polyamory, but it’s also one of the biggest sources of anxiety when a partner is experiencing it with someone else.
Nesting partners: The partner(s) with whom you live. Not necessarily a primary partner.
One-penis policy (OPP): Probably the most-hated concept in the world of ethical non-monogamy; this is often when a cis straight man only allows his female partner to sleep with another person who doesn’t have a penis.
Polysaturated: When you’ve reached maximum capacity on partners and/or time.
Primary partners: For people who practice hierarchical non-monogamy, this is the relationship that comes above all others in terms of time, commitment, loyalty — sometimes the person you share a home, finances, or children with. If you have a primary partner, you might refer to your other partners as secondary or tertiary.
Relationship escalator: This refers to the way in which monogamous people, by default, “level up” their romantic relationships: how they go from dating to becoming exclusive to living together to getting married to merging finances to having children. A process that many non-monogamous people want to avoid or at least question.
Vee structure: A three-person arrangement in which one person acts as the “hinge,” or point of connection, while the other two don’t have a romantic or physical relationship with one another.
Veto Power: If you’re in a primary partnership, you may grant each other the ability to call for a change in each other’s outside relationships — whether they’re spending too much time with a person or you simply object to them dating that person as a whole. A controversial concept within the poly world.
How Do I Broach This With My Partner?
There are so many ways this conversation could go wrong. So we asked three couples who handled it well — and one who might have handled it better — to tell us how they first proposed it.
Julia told Matt she had a crush.
Julia: After we had our child, I went through a few years of lacking sexual interest. It got to the point where it felt like I might never be interested in having sex again and that would be fine. That began to change in May 2022. I started having a crush on someone. I didn’t know if I was even going to tell Matt, but I didn’t want to repress this part of myself. And I didn’t want to cheat on him. Eventually, I told him about this crush, how I was feeling different and vibrant. I said, “I’m feeling more open about my sexuality and more interested in exploring it.” He said, “Are you asking to open the marriage?”
Matt: We talked and cried for hours. But I knew it made no sense to hold her back. I was like, I’m not going to get in your fucking way.
Julia: It was still an unresolved idea, and we sat with it for a week. I never wanted to push it, I wanted to wait for him to be the one to suggest it. Eventually, he said, “I don’t want to hold you back from being yourself.”
Misty reminded Ari of an old conversation.
Ages: 29 and 29 Open for: 3 years
Misty: The conversation happened after Ari came out as nonbinary. I brought up these conversations we had had in college about having threesomes. I used to say, “I would only do it if it was two guys. I’m not gay.” He’d say: “I’d do it if it were two girls. I’m not gay.” So at the time we thought, Okay, well, then we’re never going to do this.
Ari: You had just come out as pansexual. You said, “Maybe we can talk about what it would look like for me to start exploring that part of my sexuality.” I was shocked at my own response because in the past I’ve been very territorial and heavily monogamous. But I was like, “Yeah, let’s start talking about it.”
Misty: You had the moral high ground of, “Oh, my wife is coming out to me. This is me honoring someone’s queerness.” Literally a few months later, at my birthday party, there was a girl there we were really into, and the threesome happened. The next day, we were like, “Wow, that was fun. Should we download Feeld?” I do think the first conversation was deceptively easy.
Steven and Andrew talked about flirting.
Ages: 45 and 39 Open for: 7 years
>Steven: Andrew can tell me every single day that I look great, that I look sexy. And of course I want to hear those things, but there’s a difference between your husband telling you that and someone you’re not married to saying it.
Andrew: Every year, we’d go to this Christmas party. It was lots of gay men on Broadway. They were all beautiful, and it was a party full of flirting. I remember one time asking Steven afterward, “How do you feel about me flirting with other people?” Because I felt the same way Steven did — a beautiful man at that party can make me feel sexy in a way that my husband can’t. So we discussed those feelings and talked about how we both thought it was healthy. That was a gateway for us.
Eva gave Tomas an ultimatum.
Ages: 30 and 30 Open for: 8 years
Tomas: I was in Europe, she was in the U.S., and she wasn’t happy with the relationship. We got to a stage where she said, “Either we open it up or we have to break up.”
Eva: I obviously know now that in the literature there’s this idea of non-monogamy by coercion, and that isn’t great. But it was challenging to do long distance. Also, Tomas was my first serious relationship, and I had this fear that I would settle too early. I wanted to date other people.
Tomas: It was not something I ever considered. I always saw myself in a monogamous relationship and married with kids and all that. But we talked about it over a few months, which helped.
Eva: At the beginning, he thought I was trying to find a way to replace him. Over time, when he realized that wasn’t happening, he was more fine with it.
Should We Come Up With Some Rules?
When couples start being non-monogamous, there are, in general, two kinds of rules they tend to set. The first is about the structure of the arrangement. Are you seeing new people as a duo, or is it okay to pursue an outside relationship on your own? Are you remaining each other’s primary partners, or are you eliminating the hierarchy entirely? Breaking these kinds of rules can feel like a violation or at least require serious negotiation. A few years ago, Alice and her husband opened their marriage. They knew they wanted to date together and had started seeing another couple but hadn’t set firm rules. One day, the four of them were together at a food festival in Brooklyn. “I had to go off somewhere, and the other husband had to go off somewhere. So my husband and the woman were left at this food festival and ended up going back to our apartment together and then slept together,” she says. “We hadn’t clearly said, ‘No, that’s not allowed.’ It was murky. But I felt really betrayed and devastated, which I think is hard for people outside of the lifestyle to understand.”
The second kind of rules are of the more tactical, logistics-y variety. Keep your wedding ring on always, for example, or no sleepovers at home, or no more than two dates with other people per week. Nearly every couple we spoke to said that these types of rules are more like training wheels: important to set up and follow in the beginning to make everyone feel safe but likely to fall off as people get more comfortable. Brittany and Roy gave each other curfews, which they stuck to in the beginning, until needing to be home at a certain time started to make them feel constrained and they realized they didn’t really care. It became a specific request for specific circumstances, like if one of them was sick. Blake and Paula had the “no sex in the shared bed” rule for a while, “but at a certain point I was like, ‘I personally don’t care anymore whether you have sex with someone else in our bed,’” says Paula. “This does not seem important to me. ‘Go forth and let’s see how it feels.’ And then you did it and I did it. And we were both like, ‘Oh, this is fine. We don’t care.’” Some non-monogamous people are skeptical of rules in general. “I think a path for success for an open couple is to be able to be very present, treat every moment as if it’s unique,” says Robert. His partner, Olivia, adds, “If you had a set of rules, it would almost feel very strict, like monogamy.”
Where Do I Meet People?
Unless you live in Brooklyn or San Francisco (and even if you do), chances are you’re meeting people on the apps. Many default to Feeld, the non-monogamy and kink-friendly dating app, but you could do just as well somewhere like Hinge, matching only with others who label themselves non-monogamous. If you and your partner are dating separately, you might consider acting as each other’s wingman. After Toni opened her marriage, she found that she was having trouble meeting women. “I joined several apps, and nothing was really happening for me,” she says. Her husband, Tom, started matching with people he could potentially set her up with on Feeld. To one woman, Clarissa, he wrote, ‘Hey, my wife would love to speak with you separately without me, are you okay if I connect you?” then put Clarissa and Toni in a group chat. The two of them dated for a few months.
Does My Wife Want to Hear About My Night?
Some couples who date separately follow a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy — this can work well for those who like a little secrecy or just don’t want to talk about everything. But more often, couples like to share at least some details about how their respective love lives are going. Some ways to make those conversations less fraught.
Don’t debrief immediately.
“When we get home from a date with somebody else, that’s not the time to talk about it,” says Ethan, who opened his marriage three years ago. In that moment, he says, the most important thing is to reassure your partner: “Hey, I came home to you, and I want to be with you.” He adds, “Then, after some time has gone by, you can say, ‘How did the date go?’ It’s easier the second day.”
And don’t go into every detail.
Even if you and your partner want to be transparent with each other, it doesn’t necessitate giving a play-by-play. For one thing, too much information could send your partner into a spiral of anxiety or insecurity. Plus it’s not always the most considerate to the partners who aren’t in the room. “It feels a little bad to talk about every little thing you did with somebody, especially if they don’t have the ability to tell their own story,” says Blake, who has been partnered for ten years and poly for seven. “It’s just bad manners.”
But do consider sharing breakthroughs.
The one exception to Blake and his wife Paula’s rule is when they have a sexual first. “The first time I fisted someone, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Blake,’” Paula says. Another time, Blake called her with news. “I was like, ‘I fucked a guy in the butt,’” Blake says. “We celebrated.”
And findings.
“There’s one guy that I was with, and it was just a fabulous experience,” says Emily, who is married to Ethan. “I told him I couldn’t squirt. He said, ‘I am telling you, you can,’ and at the end of a four-hour session with him, I squirted for the first time.” Upon hearing about this, Ethan felt insecure. “But then I said, ‘Okay, what did he do? Let me learn,’” he says. “Now I think we need to send him Christmas cards.”
Should We Sleep With Them on the First Date?
If you’re a couple on a date with another couple, there are things to consider that you don’t have to think about as a single on a date with another single. “We’ve been a lot of couples’ first dates after they’ve opened up their relationship,” says Amelia, who frequently dates other couples with her husband, Chris. Below, the two share some advice.
Amelia: We’ve been together eight years, and it’s exciting to see that charming first-date persona anew in your partner.
Chris: But we often notice that other couples seem unsure of what they want out of the situation. We will say, “What are you guys hoping for?” And they’ll say, “We never really talked about it.” So we’re often putting the brakes on. People will want to go out for drinks, then go back to their place, and it’s like, “No, it would be better if you guys went home, processed your feelings, and then let us know if you’re both interested.” A red flag is when one partner seems overly excited and the other is pulling back. And sometimes two people just clearly want different things. So we try to really communicate — like, we’ll say, “Hey, are you in this pile of eight people because you want to be, or are you in it because you feel like you need to be?”
Amelia: When dating together, we have pretty good game: We’ll tee each other up to be charming. But sometimes we just have more of a connection with only one of the people in the couple: Our current girlfriend and boyfriend both started out as part of other couples. Things didn’t work out with the other partner, but we kept seeing them.
Am I Being Nice Enough to My Boyfriend’s Girlfriend?
If you’re not in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, you may find yourself getting to know your partner’s partners, otherwise known as your metamours.
Don’t think of them as rivals.
When it comes to her husband’s girlfriends, Ali goes out of her way to avoid acting territorial. “I’m not in competition with these women. It’s not like, I’m more important because I am his wife. I am here to make sure that their needs are being met as well as mine,” she says. In the past, she’s given her phone number to new people her husband is dating in case they’re feeling unsure about him and want to talk. She’ll also intervene to make sure her husband is being a good boyfriend. “He has a girlfriend that he’s been with for two years,” she says. “I know the relationship is important, so sometimes I’ll facilitate. I’ll ask, ‘Have you FaceTimed or seen Daphne lately?’”
It’s okay to say, “Hey, this is our thing.”
Alejandra recently went on a trip upstate with Diego (her primary partner), Ivy (Diego’s partner), and Nathan (Ivy’s partner). It was the first vacation the group had taken together, and Alejandra pulled her metamour, Ivy, aside. “In bed, I refer to Diego a lot as ‘Daddy,’ and the one thing that I asked Ivy not to do in front of me on this trip was call him that because that might make me uncomfortable,” Alejandra said. “Ivy was like, ‘Oh, that’s totally fine. I’ve never called him that in my life.’ I was like, ‘Great.’”
But also, it’s not all on you.
A lot of the responsibility lies with the hinge, or mutual partner, in making sure nobody feels neglected. “When you are the middle person, you need to make sure that you’re giving equal amounts of attention to those two people,” Alejandra says. “It can be mental gymnastics: Okay, I held this person’s hand. So I have to hold this person’s hand. Oh, I gave this person a kiss. Oh, fuck, I want to make sure that everyone feels loved.” On their trip upstate, Diego, the hinge, was openly affectionate with Ivy in front of Alejandra, but later, when Alejandra began feeling insecure, he reassured her. Alejandra describes the situation: “I’m like, I’ve gained about 20 pounds, so I do not feel super-comfortable in my skin, and Ivy’s gorgeous. As soon as I felt that, I just started talking about it in front of everyone, and Diego told me some nice things, that I’m superhot and fuckable, and that’s what I needed. He did a great job. I would love to go on a little trip with them all again.”
But if your metamour is giving you a genuinely bad feeling, don’t ignore it.
Ali recalls a former metamour who grew angry after she and her husband tried to set boundaries. “She told him she had HPV, which is not a scary thing to most people, but I have a family history of cancer,” Ali says. “I said that certain sex acts are off the table, and she ended up exploding on him on his birthday while he was with his family, just keeping him on the phone for hours and hours.” The relationship ended on its own, but if it hadn’t, Ali would’ve intervened. “The language would have been, ‘I noticed so-and-so is treating you in this way, and I feel like you deserve better.’”
How Much Time Does This All Take?
You might be thinking at this point, I have a job, and a partner, and friends, and hobbies. How in the world am I going to make time for dating, and then talking about dating, on top of all of that? Some non-monogamous couples keep shared Google calendars or reserve one night a week for each other. Julia, who is in an open marriage with her husband, Matt, breaks down how they manage their week-to-week and what she’s had to give up to make room.
Matt and I have an agreement about how much time we can spend with another person weekly. Spending a whole evening out once a week, either Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, is totally fine; usually, it’s after we have dinner with our young child, so from 7 p.m. till 1 a.m. And then we’re okay with each other sleeping over somewhere else once every two weeks.
Right now, I feel at capacity with one secondary partner and my husband. If my one secondary partner were way more casual, then maybe I could date two people. In order to keep my nuclear family my priority, the amount of time I put toward this other relationship has a maximum. I’d guess it takes up, or keeps me away from Matt, eight to 12 hours a week, depending on if I stay over at my partner’s or not.
I think I’ve ended up sacrificing my more introverted hobbies. So I’ve done less reading. The gardening and yard work and just a lot of home-improvement stuff I let go to the wayside. I’ve done less crafts. I think Matt has too. I know he’s put aside house projects because he needs time to go on dates. He used to do a lot more woodworking.
Some poly people prefer not to tell every single person in their lives — it simply seems unnecessary, or they don’t feel like explaining or receiving judgment. Others find it more challenging, logistically and emotionally, to keep it private. (What if someone spots you out and thinks you’re cheating? Or you need to tell work you’re leaving early to pick up your partner’s child?) Writer Molly Roden Winter explains how she navigated talking to her children about her and her husband’s open marriage.
My husband and I never planned to tell our children about our open marriage. But seven years after we took our first fumbling steps toward non-monogamy, I got off a plane to find a series of text messages from my then-13-year-old son, Daniel. “Mom,” he wrote, “are you and Dad in an open marriage?” My husband, Stewart, had left his OKCupid profile open on his laptop, and Daniel had seen it.
I found a spot against the wall of the Houston airport to call him. When Daniel picked up, I began by telling him how happy his father and I were, how we were always honest with each other. But Daniel’s main question surprised me. “I get that Dad has time for it,” he asked. “But when do you do it?” This question brought me relief: Like many mothers with a full-time job, I’d worried that I wasn’t spending enough time with my children, and using precious nonworking hours to go on dates made me feel particularly guilty. Here was proof that, in Daniel’s mind at least, I was around so often he couldn’t fathom my managing to be anywhere else.
Daniel, the eldest of my two boys, had always been eminently reasonable. As an infant, he cried only when he needed something, and in elementary school, Daniel’s teachers often commented on his extraordinary comfort level with adults and his ability to mediate conflicts among his peers. With him, I had always leaned toward honesty: I’d told him about my limited drug use as a teenager, my fraught relationships with eating and body image, and my family’s history of mental illness. But speaking to my son about my sex life felt far more difficult. “I don’t do it very often,” I lied.
Daniel seemed satisfied, but over the next few weeks, once I returned to Brooklyn, he was consumed with curiosity about my whereabouts. “Where are you going?” he asked. “Are you really going to see a friend? Are you sure you’re going to the gym?” Stewart, meanwhile, continued to come and go as he pleased. “Why doesn’t Daniel ask where you’re going?” I asked Stewart one night. “Why doesn’t anyone seem to care if fathers have sex, but every mother is supposed to be the goddamn Virgin Mary?” Stewart offered to speak to Daniel, who afterward apologized to me. “I’m sorry I’ve been asking where you’re going all the time,” he said. “I know it’s private.”
“It’s okay, honey,” I answered. “It’s just that I don’t think you actually want to know if I’m on a date. And sometimes I really am just going out with friends or to the gym.” Daniel nodded. He’d try not to ask, he said, “but if I do, can you just lie if you have a date?” He seemed to agree: My dishonesty was also in his best interest.
While Daniel had always been compliant and even-tempered, his younger brother, Nate, had a penchant for emotional extremes. At the end of our phone call in the Houston airport, I’d asked Daniel to put away his father’s laptop; while he may have been mature enough to handle the truth, I hoped to keep our open marriage hidden from his younger brother as long as possible. But four years after Daniel called me in Houston, I was in my bedroom when I heard a scream from downstairs. Nate burst in with Stewart’s old iPhone in his hand. “Mom!” he shouted. “Dad’s cheating on you!” He had found pictures of Stew with his girlfriend.
Rather than asking questions stoically and matter-of-factly, as Daniel had when he first discovered Stewart’s dating profile, Nate’s eyes were wide, his breathing rapid. “Are you getting a divorce?” he asked. No, I said. He asked me who the woman was. “You don’t need to know who,” I said. “The important thing is I know who she is, and Dad isn’t cheating on me. Cheating means you lie, and Dad and I always tell each other the truth.”
There I was, standing on the same line between boundaries and honesty, exactly where I’d stood with Daniel four years earlier. Yet what I’d learned from Daniel was only halfway applicable. While Daniel was a classic introvert — often cutting discussions short in order to process his feelings alone — Nate was more like me, an extrovert who preferred to talk through complex emotions. Tell Nate too much, and he’d be anxious. Tell him too little, and he’d fill in details with his own worst fears. I checked my mind and my gut for signs of the old shame, but it registered only as a weak flicker. Calmly, I told Nate that his father and I had an open marriage. “Should we FaceTime Dad at his office?” I asked. While Stewart and I had spoken to Daniel separately when he first found out, I’d come to understand the importance of presenting a united front. Stewart and I proceeded to tell Nate our beliefs about open marriage — our commitment to each other, the emphasis on honest communication, the affirmation of each other as our life partners of choice. There was one question Nate came back to over and over again. “Just promise me you guys still really love each other,” he said.
In the months after, additional questions arose. “Are you sleeping with my orthodontist?” he asked. “No,” I responded. “Non-monogamy doesn’t mean you sleep with everyone. And I would never get involved with someone you know.”
“Cool,” he said, relieved. Then, a few days later: “Do you and Dad still like having sex with each other?” I said “yes,” to which Nate replied, “Okay, okay. Don’t say anything more!” Over time, Nate’s questions became less frequent. Stewart and I had always been affectionate with each other in front of the kids, but now I often saw Nate peeking around corners when Stew and I hugged, or jumping between us happily when we held hands on weekend outings or family vacations. And if Stewart and I fought in front of the kids, we tried to make sure they bore witness to our reconciliation as well.
Daniel, who is now an adult, recently confessed that back when he was 13, he’d been more upset about the open marriage than he’d let on. Like Nate, he’d equated open marriage with infidelity, fearing that any arrangement outside the conventions of monogamy was verboten. Would his parents stay together? Would the foundation of our family crumble beneath his feet? “It’s okay, though, Mom,” he said, registering my panic. “I’m fine with it now.” What helped, he said, was that nothing actually did change: My and Stewart’s marriage remained strong. Plus, he said, he grew up. It is tempting to believe that the choices we parents make are helping to shape our kids into confident, secure adults, but our children, ultimately, will become who they will become — maybe thanks to us, maybe in spite of us, and maybe a little bit of both.
And What About My Co-workers?
Katie Coyne, the environmental officer for the city of Austin, suggests being casual about it.
I’m married, and we’ve been poly for about two years. I have a public-facing job. It’s really important for me to feel like I’m not hiding anything about myself or hiding people who are important to me. I have it sort of worked out now. With people I’m closer with, I’ll just slide it in casually. For instance, when I was dating someone who has kids, I was going to soccer games and doing some part-time co-parenting. So at a happy hour with my staff, when someone asked what I was doing over the weekend, I said, “I’m going to my partner’s kid’s soccer game.” He was like, “Oh, I didn’t know you and your wife had kids.” I said, “Oh, we don’t. It’s my partner; I’m polyamorous.” The only person I was afraid to tell was my boss because he’s pretty religious. But the day after another partner and I broke up, we had an all-day executive-team coaching retreat. At the end of the day we were going to happy hour, and I said to him, “Hey, most of the rest of the executive team knows this about me, but I wanted to tell you that I am upset because my girlfriend and I broke up last night. I’m polyamorous.” He didn’t know how to react, but he’s adapted. A few months ago, I even took a date to a fundraiser. One of the organizers was like, “Oh, is this your partner?” And I said “No, actually, we’re on a date!” And my boss was like, “Great to meet you.” Everyone’s kind of rolling with it.
What Can Go Wrong?
More people means more interpersonal dynamics — double or triple the giddiness, maybe, but also double or triple the jealousy, anxiety, abandonment, and painful breakups.
The hierarchy might shift.
For the first five years of our open relationship, Eva and I were each other’s primary relationship. Any outside relationships never got super-serious. I was under the impression that that would always be the case. Then, two years ago, Eva met this other person and they fell in love. She started spending more nights at his house, and the relationship developed to a stage where Eva was very emotionally involved. Now her other boyfriend and I are on an equal footing in terms of the importance in the relationship. We celebrated her birthday together this year. — Tomas
You might become a third wheel.
One time, we met a girl who showed interest primarily in Ethan but said she was also interested in me. We had her over for drinks, and when things carried into the bedroom, it was clear that the focus was really him. It was our first threesome. At one point, we were talking about what we all wanted. So I said to Ethan, “What do you want? I want you to have what you want.” And he said he wanted to fuck the other girl. Then they went off to do their thing and I wasn’t involved. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I left the house. —Emily
Your partner might date someone who wants you gone.
The first time that Blake fell in love with someone else, it felt clear to me that she hoped that she would win him over and that he would leave me for her. When I met her in person, it didn’t feel to me like, Oh, she’s not ready to meet me. It felt like, She’s bummed about me. She was sad. She did not want me in the picture. Since then, I’ve met other women Blake has been in love with and it’s been great. And I’m able to look back and say, “The vibes were really off.” —Paula
They might realize they’d rather be monogamous.
We met on OKCupid and had both set ourselves as non-monogamous. We’d both just gotten out of eight-year relationships. She and her ex had decided to be non-monogamous to try to save their relationship. Over the course of ours, she basically figured out a poly relationship was not really what she wanted. I was encouraging her to date. I thought over time she’d become more comfortable. But she didn’t. She’d get really anxious and have a lot of fear and jealousy when I was trying to date. She’d say, “Hey, please don’t do this. I’m not ready for it.” There was this sense that I was somehow hurting her, and she felt like she was cheating on me when she went on dates with other people. I felt constricted. And then there was the fact that we kind of wanted different things — like, she wanted to have a child very soon. Over time, once we realized this feeling wasn’t going away, we started talking about ending the relationship. We’d do this thing sometimes where we’d lie around and scroll through OKCupid and try to find people for each other. She came across this one guy’s profile one day, and I was like, “Oh my God, you have to, like, go out with him. He’s just like me except better for you than I am.” And she did, and she ended up married to him, and they had children soon after. —Nikhil
You might tire of your secondary status.
I was dating somebody — I’ll call him Michael. And he was in a primary relationship with Michelle.
At the time, they were making a lot of space for loving other people and inviting those lovers or boyfriends into their home and on vacations with them. I was their secondary. I was very connected to them, and I very much fell in love with Michael. Michael very much fell in love with me. I was supporting Michael while he prepared to propose to Michelle. But then I went through a really rough period. I needed more emotional support than he could give me. I was impulsive and broke up with him. I knew Michelle was consoling him for many months afterward. A few years later, Michelle reached out to me. She’d asked seven of his lovers and former lovers to come surprise him for his birthday. We tied him up and throttled him in complete silence. So it was ultimately a happy ending. —Sonya
They might leave you behind.
Seven years ago, I met this woman. I was mostly monogamous and single. She was very up front that she had a boyfriend and they were open. We started dating, and for those two years, I wasn’t dating multiple people — I just was dating her, and she really just wanted one female companion and him. The beginning of the end was when her and her boyfriend’s relationship started to become codified in traditions. He proposed to her, and it threw me. It made the balance beam that I was on feel uneven and one-sided. He invited me to the wedding, but she was like, “Uh, no.” She said she didn’t want to have to explain to her family who I was at the wedding. It felt like she chose him over me, like, “You’re not fully included.” I think I saw her one more time after the wedding, but it was just awkward. —M.J.
You two might drift apart.
A few years after my husband and I opened our marriage, I met this woman. We fell in love really, really fast. One morning, after she slept over, my husband said, “Seeing you this excited about someone else really freaks me out.” But I’d seen him happy with people over the years we’d been open, so he let me give it a shot. Eventually, he even suggested she move in. Now, I live in very separate worlds with them in the same house. He’s a very tidy person. She loves to play music, cook, be messy. He’s reserved; she loves to give attention. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. We love each other, but our connectedness just doesn’t run as deep as mine and hers. —Caroline
Or it might just break your relationship.
>My partner and I started dating in college, and we stayed together after. She was always interested in alternative relationship modalities, and over the years she brought it up a couple of times. I’d be like, “Okay, that’s interesting. Let me think about it.” Eventually, when we moved cities, I was like, “Why don’t we give this a shot?” In the beginning, it felt really fun. Then she got more serious with someone and it became more difficult to talk about with each other. She was never anything but transparent about the facts. I would ask her what she was doing one day, and she’d say, “Oh, I’m seeing this person.” At one point, they started taking trips together, so I knew they were getting more serious.
I felt upset and wondered if I should be doing something similar. I started looking around more on Hinge and found somebody I had amazing chemistry with. Eventually, my feelings toward her and hers toward me grew so strong that I was like, I have to make a decision. It’s gotten out of hand, emotionally. The main relationship was suffering. Neither of us was putting the same attention into that that we were into the other relationships.
I ended up breaking things off with my partner. The conversation was consuming. I feel like I’ve never been so focused on something. I walked around the city for days and days thinking, What should I do? At one point, she asked, “Well, would you change your mind if I ended things with the other person?” I said, “Honestly, I don’t know. The cat’s kind of out of the bag.” And she said, “Well, honestly, I don’t know whether I’d be able to do it and hurt the other person in this way.” I don’t know if we’d have stayed together if we’d stayed closed. Or if it would have been the right decision to stay together. —Lucas
All names have been changed at the request of the subjects.
Sexual performance anxiety is a form of performance anxiety that causes intense fear or worry before or during sex. Many people feel nervous before having sex. However, if you feel so anxious about sexual expectations or body image that you can’t perform sexually, you may have sexual performance anxiety.1
Sexual performance anxiety can affect anyone, but it is more common in people in males. Eventually, sex-related anxiety can make it impossible to have sex with your partner and may eventually strain your relationship. Sexual performance anxiety can also lead to other sexual disorders, like erectile dysfunction.1
Fortunately, there are a few ways to address and get past sexual performance anxiety.
Like other forms of performance anxiety, sexual performance anxiety can affect you mentally and physically. People with sexual performance anxiety are so overwhelmed by sex-related worries, negative thoughts, or fears that they have trouble engaging in sexual activity. These negative thoughts or fears may happen before or during sex.1
As a result, you may be unable to maintain an erection, climax, or ejaculate. You can completely lose your desire to have sex. You may also experience physical symptoms of anxiety, like increased heart rate, upset stomach, and shaking.2
Sexual performance anxiety symptoms commonly found in males include:2
People can have different fears, experiences, and worries that can affect sexual performance. Potential causes of sexual performance anxiety include:13
Feeling worried about your partner’s sexual expectations or satisfaction
Feeling concerned about how masculine or feminine you come across during sex
Lacking self-esteem or having a negative body image
Being physically or emotionally unattracted to your partner
Feeling anxious about past negative sexual experiences
How exactly do stressful and anxious thoughts affect sexual performance? When you become stressed or anxious, your body kicks off its stress response by producing more of the stress hormone cortisol. When cortisol levels rise, levels of the sex hormone testosterone drop—decreasing your sex drive, or libido. In males, low testosterone is also linked to erectile dysfunction.4
People with substance use disorders, anxiety, and depression may also experience sexual dysfunction and disinterest that can lead to sexual performance anxiety. Medications used to treat anxiety and depression can also negatively affect libido and sexual performance.5
Lack of sex due to sexual performance anxiety can harm romantic relationships. Studies show couples who engage in higher rates of sexual activity build greater intimacy and have a lower divorce rate.6<
Being unable to have sex or enjoy sex can make partners feel less connected and intimate. As a result, your partner may feel like you are avoiding intimacy because you do not desire or care for them. People with sexual performance anxiety may also start to feel cautious of their partners, which disrupts trust and intimacy.3<
Identifying your triggers and finding ways to destress can often help you learn how to manage the negative thoughts and feelings affecting your sex life. Coping strategies include:2
Yoga to help manage stress and improve the mind-body relationship as it relates to sex, which can also help manage premature ejaculation8
Masturbating to learn more about what you enjoy and feel during sex
Seeing a sex therapist to identify thoughts or feelings that lead to sexual performance anxiety.
Talking with your partner can also help you cope with sexual performance anxiety. Open communication can help partners better understand your feelings and struggles related to sex. Your partner may also offer valuable insight into the false, preconceived thoughts that prevent you from performing sexually—like your body image or performance concerns.2<
Accepting sex isn’t perfect or spending more time focusing on foreplay can also help improve intimacy. Other ways you can help build intimacy without sex include:9
Cuddling
Kissing
Hugging
Holding hands
Spending quality time together
Reach out to a healthcare provider if your anxieties around sexual performance and dysfunction are affecting your relationships and quality of life. They can refer you to a licensed sex therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist for therapy services. You may also be able to contact these mental health professionals directly.
Some symptoms of sexual performance anxiety may also point to an underlying sexual dysfunction disorder.1 If you’re unable to perform sexually for a few months, see a healthcare provider to make sure you don’t have an underlying condition.
Sexual dysfunction symptoms that warrant a visit to your primary care provider, urologist, gynecologist, or OB-GYN include:1011
Premature ejaculation
Delayed ejaculation
Erectile dysfunction
Reduced or no interest in sex
Vaginal dryness
Pain during sex
Inability to orgasm
Sexual performance anxiety treatment often depends on the cause, and research on the overall success of these treatments is limited. However, treatment typically involves a combination of therapy and medication.2
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Talking out your feelings with a therapist is a common approach to treating sexual performance anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common talk therapy used to treat performance anxiety.12
CBT helps people learn to reframe negative thoughts around sex that make it difficult or impossible to perform. This helps build awareness of triggers while learning to actively dismantle and redirect them.2
Mindfulness sex therapy can also help people with sexual performance anxiety learn to understand their bodily sensations and become aware of how they react to sex. This type of therapy often incorporates CBT practices.2
Couples Therapy
Couples therapy helps people with sexual performance anxiety communicate their feelings with their partner and explore feelings that may affect sexual performance. This therapy focuses on the couple as a whole, not just the partner with sexual performance anxiety.2
This approach can help remove shame, fear, and miscommunication between couples. Couples therapy helps create an open dialogue related to sources of emotional distress or negativity while creating active solutions to solve them.2
Medication
Erective dysfunction medications like Viagra (sildenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) may help males with sexual performance anxiety who are unable to maintain an erection. These medications increase blood flow to the penis to help keep an erection.13
Limited research shows anxiety medications like BuSpar (buspirone) and antidepressants like Wellbutrin (bupropion) and Desyrel (trazodone) can help reduce sexual performance anxiety. Unlike some anxiety drugs that decrease sexual function, these medications can affect brain chemistry in a way that may improve sexual arousal and sex drive.7
Sexual performance anxiety affects sexual performance before or during sex. If you have this type of performance anxiety, you may be unable to have sex, become aroused, or climax. Males with sexual performance anxiety often have issues with erectile dysfunction.
If you or your partner is experiencing sexual performance anxiety, having open communication and seeing a healthcare provider, like a licensed sex therapist, can help. Cognitive behavioral therapy, couples therapy, or medication may also help.
— PrEP has been hailed by sexual health experts as crucial in bringing the HIV epidemic to an end, but studies show that only 20 per cent of the British public even know it exists.
BY CONOR CLARK
Taking PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is one of the most effective ways to reduce the risk of getting HIV, but knowledge about it among the British public remains scarce. In fact, just 20 per cent of people in the UK know it exists, according to research conducted by YouGov on behalf of Terrence Higgins Trust, the country’s leading sexual health charity. A staggering 77 per cent were also unaware that England can end new cases of HIV by 2030, which sexual health experts have said PrEP is key to making a reality. So, what is the drug, how effective is it at preventing HIV and where can you get it?
What is PrEP?
PrEP (sometimes known as Truvada) is a medicine that drastically reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex or injection drug use when taken effectively. It typically comes in the form of a tablet containing tenofovir disoproxil and emtricitabine, both of which are used to treat HIV. Once there’s enough of the drug inside you, it works by blocking HIV from getting into the body and replicating itself.
Long-acting injectable PrEP also exists and has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in the US, though is not yet available in the UK. It can also exist as a vaginal ring, though this is also not yet available in the UK.
PrEP does not protect you against any other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
How effective is it at preventing HIV?
When taken effectively, PrEP reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex by 99 per cent. When taking it daily, PrEP needs to be taken for seven days until it becomes fully effective.
The PrEP Impact Trial, which involved more than 24,000 participants across 157 sexual health services from October 2017 to July 2020, proved the real-world effectiveness of the drug and concluded that it should be used more widely to prevent the spread of HIV. John Stewart, National Director for Specialised Commissioning at NHS England and co-Chair of the PrEP Impact Trial Oversight Board, said: “Not only did the trial directly prevent many cases of HIV, help normalise the use of PrEP, remove stigma and pave the way for a routinely commissioned clinically and cost-effective PrEP service; but it also made a very real contribution towards our goal of ending new cases of HIV by 2030.”
How often should I take it?
Most people take it orally in the form of a tablet, either regularly (one a day) or ‘event-based’ (two tablets two to 24 hours before sex, then one 24 hours after sex and a further one 48 hours after).
Those who were assigned female at birth and trans people using hormone treatment are recommended to take PrEP daily due to the lack of data available in supporting other dosing options. More information about this is available here.
Do I still need to test for HIV if I’m on PrEP?
The short answer is yes. Sam, a doctor at the Dean Street sexual health clinics in London, which are world-famous for their services to LGBTQIA+ people, said: “PrEP is the most effective way of protecting yourself from HIV. However, mistakes can happen with taking your PrEP, so we still advise testing every three to four months for HIV and all the other STIs.”
Kidney tests are done before you begin taking PrEP and continue routinely while you are on it. This is because it can sometimes affect your kidneys, though this is incredibly rare and typically only happens in those aged 50 and older or those who already have kidney problems.
Are there any side effects?
Not everyone gets side effects from PrEP and those who do usually see them go away after the first few weeks of taking it. “This is one of the number one reasons for people not wanting to take PrEP, but actually only about one in 10 people get side effects from PrEP and these tend to be quite mild and not very severe,” Sam told GAY TIMES.
According to the NHS, the most common side effects some people experience are:
Headache
Nausea and/or vomiting
Diarrhoea
Feeling dizzy and/or weak
Trouble sleeping
Bloating and/or indigestion
Clinicians recommend that anyone experiencing side effects seek medical advice if they persist.
Carol always knew something was “off” for her during sex.
“At one point I even thought I might have been asexual because I just wasn’t getting what other people would talk about all the time,” she told Larry Mantle on AirTalk, LAist 89.3’s daily news program.
It took Carol a long time to figure out that nothing was wrong with her, she just had a missing kink.
That kink? Spanking.
At 74 years old and 52 years into her marriage, Carol discovered she loves to be spanked.
“It just took a long time to figure this out because my access to computers and things were limited, and I just didn’t know,” she said. “I didn’t have the time to explore me!”
Her husband doesn’t necessarily have the same kink, but that hasn’t stopped him from leaning into his partner’s pleasure.
“He noticed every time we do this, how much happier I am. If I’m cranky or we’re fighting it will change the mood like an instant pill. We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year,” Carol said.
Kink may not be what you think
The art of Shibari
Kink and BDSM (Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, Sado-Masochism) conjure up certain images in popular culture. Take the Blockbuster hit 50 Shades of Gray, which delved into fantasies of violent sex in which Christian Grey, a handsome business man, wants his love interest to be submissive. While this is a common kink played out in private spaces, BDSM practitioners were quick to weigh in on all that was missing from the film’s depictions — communication, context, and most importantly, consent.
“We have two dominant paradigms around kink,” said Nora Last, owner of Double Mask Studio, a queer owned and operated Shibari studio located in downtown L.A. Shibari is a type of bondage practice (more on that further down).
A couple paradigms include “a slender guy in a suit and a girl in a dress kneeling in front of him,” or, Last continued, “a conventionally attractive woman in spiked heels and latex.”
“They’re lovely, but we’re really limiting ourselves and not giving ourselves enough credit if we stop imagining there,” said Last.
Finding your kink
Nora Last at her studio Devil Mask Studios in DTLA
Kinks come in all styles and flavors. You’ve got your more common asphyxiation kink, also known as “breath play,” to your spitting kink, where two consenting adults enjoy spitting in each others mouths. Suffice to say, kinks run the gamut.
“What if we want to [explore kink] in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles?” Last said. “If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them.”
Like Carol, who discovered her kink for spanking at age 74, many people may have dormant kinks they haven’t yet realized.
“We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year.”— Carol in Palm Desert
“I was shocked to find out I was a kinky woman,” Franzblau said.
After the end of a relationship, Franzblau said her sexuality “shut down.”
Jean Franzblau performs her play “My Mother Doesn’t Know I’m Kinky”
“When I got out of it, I became dedicated, committed, to exploring for myself and finding my own sexual sovereignty,” she said.
With newly granted self-permission, Franzblau discovered that both sides of the dominance-submission coin were intriguing to her. Her exploration began with submission. When she found a partner interested in dominance, they had the necessary conversations about consent and negotiation.
“I thought I was going to have maybe a titillating experience, maybe I would learn something new,” she said. “Instead, I would consider it a spiritual experience. I wept. There was something in me that needed to surrender.”
For many folks, finding your kink is just the first step. The next step? Finding a safe space and people with whom to express it.
“What if we want to explore kink in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles? If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them.” — Nora Last
Freeing your kink
Today, there are ample spaces that provide safe and playful settings for adults to explore their sexuality. One of those spaces is Nora Last’s studio in Downtown L.A. where the focus is on Shibari, the Japanese art of erotic bondage.
“We define it most broadly as rope bondage,” Last said, “Whether that is for sensation, whether that is for sexual gratification, and that references specific aesthetics and styles coming from Japanese rope bondage.”
Nora Last on the beach practicing the erotic bondage art of Shibari
Shibari is one of the many styles of kink or eroticism that people can play with — play being the operative word.
“At its core, kink is about creating a container for intimacy. It can be sexual, emotional,” they said. “Creating a container for a focused, specific experience. It’s part of our core human desire.”
A San Francisco-based kink educator named Midori, whom Last admires, writes “BDSM is childhood joyous play, with adult sexual privilege, and cool toys.”
Last adds, “So much of it comes down to…why not? There’s a harsh dichotomy between kinky and vanilla, queer and hetero. It’s not as harsh of a line as we think it is.”
Therein lies the nuance. To be kinky or not to be kinky was never the question.
Nora Last tied up in Shibari in a public park
Talking with partners
When it comes to kink, Franzblau’s hope for everyone in a partnership is that they can candidly talk about the places they connect and the places they don’t.
“Are we here to control each other or to encourage each other’s greatness or well-being?” Franzblau said.
She acknowledges that it can be totally heartbreaking when partners don’t see eye to eye. But, she adds, “What’s wonderful about this moment in time is that there are a lot of resources for navigating these extremely tricky conversations.”
For kink and BDSM communities that have been historically stigmatized, Franzblau and Last are two people among many trying to change that. Arguably, their most powerful and subversive statements? Their kinks.
NEW TO KINK? CHECK OUT THESE RESOURCES!
Sex Positive LA
Sex-Positive Los Angeles is a non-profit organization that creates educational and social experiences around positive sexuality, identity, lifestyle, consent, and body-positivity for adults. We provide a chance to explore, learn, and grow in a safe, welcoming, and consensual environment through consensual touch events, workshops and discussion groups.
910 WeHo
A Queer and Alt Lifestyle, Friendly Community Space for All. BDSM Los Angeles kink dungeon.
Fet Life
A popular Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community.
Cuddle Sanctuary
Social events to learn about and practice consent
My Mother Doesn’t Know I’m Kinky
A one-woman show exploring the early childhood hints that she was wired differently and her bumpy, awkwardly arousing journey towards self-acceptance.
Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships
Therapist Kate Loree—who has practiced non-monogamy since 2003, and who specializes in treating clients who also practice non-monogamy—pulls no punches as she uses vignettes based on her own life, as well as her clients’ experiences, to illustrate the highs, lows, and in-betweens of life as a consensual non-monogamist.
Plura App
Plura is the go-to app for queer, sex+, growth-oriented, and alternative people to find their people.
ShibariStudy
An online resource, rope-focused (as the name implies) but their consent classes are both very good and very broadly applicable.
Why Are People Into That?!
A podcast hosted by sex-ed icon Tina Horn, a podcast dedicated to answering its titular question. Now also a book!
Safiya Darling
a sexuality & consent educator based here in LA, Safiya speaks so effectively to the interplay of queerness, race, and kink
Devil Mask Studio
particularly rope jams, they’re a low stress, semi-structured way to experience the space and connect with other interested folks
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