Tag: Humor

Name: Terre
Gender:
Age: 54
Location: Nashville
I’ve been in a relationship for over 11 years. For sex, I was always the top; occasionally I would bottom. However, now that I have developed erectile dysfunction, I’m lucky to get slightly hard. I cannot penetrate my partner any longer. I’ve tried reversing roles; however, my partner is no good at being a top/aggressive and I’ve found anal sex much too painful including bleeding and profound pain after only attempting to be penetrated by my partner. What can I do to get over this hump? What other things can I try to maintain sexual balance in my relationship?

Get over this “hump,” Terre? You’re such a punster!

Have you tried a cock ring to keep yourself hard enough to bugger your old man? How about dildo play? You still get to be the top and he still gets to be the bottom, it’s just that you’re using a meat substitute instead of your salami.

And what’s all this about you being unable to take it in your bum? I have written extensively about learning to bottom. Check out some of my earlier postings, especially Liberating The B.O.B. Within. Use the site’s search function in the sidebar to your right; type in “Tutorial for a Bottom” and/or “Tutorial for a Top” and PRESTO! Once you’ve read through those tutorials you can find loads of other helpful hints on the site by clicking on the CATEGORIES section, also in the sidebar; scroll down till you find “Ass Fucking”.

Maybe you need to look at alternative sex practices that don’t involve his rump and your rod? Is ass fucking the only thing you guys can think of in terms of sex play and mutual pleasuring? That seems pretty limiting. How about some kinky power play? That sure enough will keep the sexual balance in your relationship. There’s bondage, discipline, milking, jelqing, CBT, edging, fantasy play, watersports, fisting, flogging, massage, rimming, cock sucking, role playing, group sex and vibrators — just to name a few.

How about hiring a pro to attend to your needs? A hot, hunky escort to fuck your partner and do god knows what to you. You see, darling, just because you are 54 and live in Nashville don’t mean your brain’s gone dead…or has it? Like I always say, if there’s a will there’s a way. And hey, maybe that’s a good place to start. Maybe it’s time to check in with your partner to see what new things he’d like to investigate and go from there.

Name: Gilbert
Gender: male
Age: 53
Location: Ohio
I discovered plushie sex long before I knew there were other people in the world who love their stuffed animals as much as I do. At first, I just cuddled and slept with my special plushie, but then I couldn’t help but show my feelings. I wanted to consummate my love for my plushy. The first time I did this I didn’t do anything to my plushie directly. I simply embraced it while I pleasured myself to orgasm. Now my favorite method of expressing my love is to press myself tenderly into my lovers’ plush fur. It’s a truly exquisite sensation!

Lonely are we, Gilbert? YIKES! Say, is your plushie a girl plushie or a boy plushie? Are you sure your plushie, regardless of its gender, likes having you be so…how shall I say this…intimate? And what about the clean up? You say you press yourself tenderly into the plush fur. Good god; it can’t be all that much fun for your plushie tryin to get all your goopy spooge out of its polyester fur, now can it?

And your message isn’t so much of a question as it is a statement, huh Gilbert? Can I assume then that you just wanted to tell the world about gettin your freak on with your beloved plushie? DONE!

For those in my audience who are unable to fathom plushy sex, here is the 411 on this fetish. Some folks, like old Gilbert here, get started down this path by innocently stroking the stuffed animal over their naughty bits. This, I am told, can be the beginning of an intense connection with his/her plushie. Other enthusiasts aren’t satisfied till there is penetration. This is accomplished by modifying the creature at hand by creating what plushies call a ‘strategically-placed hole’ (SPH) on a said plushie. I suppose depending on the gender of the plushie; the ‘strategically-placed hole’ is either a plushie pussy or a plushie asshole, but I digress.

Some fetishists are on the receiving end of plushie sex. That is they create a ‘strategically-placed appendage’ (SPA) on their long-suffering plushie partner and make the little creature fuck them silly(er). SPA, indeed! I mean, god forbid that we call it what it actually is — a freakin’ stuffed animal with a strap-on.

Beyond the human on stuffed animal sex the plushie world also offers plushie on plushie sex too. Of course these are really humans dressed up as plush animals…I mean from head to toe…REALLY! These enthusiasts are generally referred to as furries. Isn’t that adorable?

There are furry sex parties, the like of which I will leave to your fevered imagination, where there’s no end to plushie perversion. I am told that it’s imperative that participants at these parties stay in character. How do you tell the gender of the furry, you might ask? Girl furries often have a bow in their fur. Boy furries, not so often. Ok, I made that part up.

Anyway, the furry outfits are equipped with Velcro held flaps in front and in back. These ‘strategically-placed flaps’ (SPF) give furries access to a fellow furry’s naughty parts. Full-on humping is proceeded by lots of sniffing and nuzzling…you know, exactly like ordinary animals do…only completely different. This is called yiffing. Honestly! Look it up.

I’ve had only two close-up encounters with real live furries. One was a client of mine. Another I met in an online chat room. The chat room connection was so delighted to discover that I was a sexologist that he could hardly contain himself as he revealed to me every gory detail of his furry sex life.

The guy who was my client revealed his furry persuasion in one of his early visits to my office. You see he was having this deep sexual conflict, and as it turned out, it wasn’t that he was dressing up as a big brown bear to get his rocks off.

Here’s how my client related the story.  “So here’s the deal,” the guy says. “I’ve been completely straight all my life. A couple of years ago when I discovered I was a furry I went to a few furry sex parties. At one of the parties another male furry began sniffing me and making sexual advances. I would have decked him if I hadn’t been in my bear suit. But because I was being my furry-self his advances were like this complete new turn on. To make a long story short, I got it up the ass but good that night for the very first time.”

You see my client was suddenly conflicted not because he was a furry, don’t ‘cha know. He was conflicted by the discovery that, despite being an exclusively straight macho dude out of costume, he was a freakin’ fag furry in costume. And that, my dear audience, is one of the most bizarre things the good doctor has ever heard.

Good luck ya’ll!