I’m Disabled.

— Why Do You Assume That Means I Don’t Have A Sex Life?

As a woman with mild Cerebral Palsy, writer Jennifer McShane has to think outside the box when it comes to navigating sex and dating. In an essay for Vogue, she reflects on misconceptions, the highs and lows of disabled sex, and why a safe space for conversation is essential.

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Desire is a complex thing. It’s a potent, almost indescribable force that propels us forward; that aching yearn to be wanted and loved. Almost every great piece of work ever written, not to mention every Adele song, centres on this. Which is why it remains baffling to me how so many think that, because I am a disabled woman, I don’t have any.

I thought endlessly about this aspect of my life recently, when Billie Eilish told an interviewer, “I have never felt desired… And it’s a big thing in my life that I feel I have never been physically desired by somebody.” My throat constricted as I realised her words encapsulated how I’ve felt almost my entire adult life. As a woman with mild Cerebral Palsy (CP), living in a society rooted in ableism, it’s impossible not to notice how the words “sex and disability” are rarely used in the same sentence. It’s assumed I don’t have a sex life, that I don’t want one, that I surely don’t consider myself a sexual being.

Take the nurse who once scoffed away my mention of a cervical smear. “What would you need one for?” she asked, genuinely mystified. Even well-meaning friends’ responses to my raising the topic have hurt. “I didn’t think you were like that, Jen!” they said, wide-eyed and excited, almost gleeful. It was meant kindly and in fun, but afterwards, part of me was angry. Do I not have the right to the same desires as everyone else? Is it too much to ask to be so fiercely wanted by someone there’s room for nothing else in their brain? To want them back so fiercely it might ruin my life (as I’ve heard it can)?

It’s this base assumption from the majority that I do not – could not – need this that makes it hard for me to express something so important, so vital, so natural, to others. Talking about it doesn’t feel natural to me and so, nothing about my pursuit of desire feels natural either. It always feels slightly forced, timid, like I shouldn’t really be doing it (pun intended). Crucially, I can’t remember anyone telling me, ever, as a disabled woman, that I should make my sexual wellbeing a priority.

In my formative years, there was plenty of love but no safe space for that part. No accessible health setting I felt comfortable in, no articles in teen magazines on sex and disability to offer shaky words of wisdom (Dear Sugar would come along too late), nothing on film or TV I could identify with, no guide that wasn’t cold and only vaguely factual in its attempt to address how I should navigate this already complicated terrain. And in our Irish household, you simply didn’t discuss anything like this. So I shut that part of myself away for a long time.

I never felt I could talk about the awkwardness, the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I felt I was infantilised very early; a woman who couldn’t truly grow up, always on the outside of everyone else’s “normal”. It wasn’t until later that I took my body seriously, determined to at least try to find out what might work and what wouldn’t. Because way back when, my biggest fear was, rather dramatically, in the vein of Monica Geller, that I would die a virgin.

Happily that’s no longer a risk, and there have been good moments. Like when an older man I was casually seeing told me I didn’t have to worry about (in what can be exhausting emotional labour and no one’s idea of fun foreplay) my splints, or the fact it might take me so long to get undressed it’d surely be a mood killer, or to try this way or that, because: “I know what you need.” To my surprise, he was one of the few who really did, and I happily lay there. (Albeit lamenting the fact that – to paraphrase Vogue’s dating columnist Annie Lord – he still wouldn’t see fancy mesh underwear after all his efforts, because I regretfully hadn’t bothered to buy any.)

But those moments are, sadly, not all that frequent. Because mostly, it’s hard, and rather soul destroying when they say they can’t do this, that it’s too weird, that they don’t see a future with a disabled woman because they can’t cope with not having a sex life (an early misconception from more than one).

I’m what’s known as a maladaptive daydreamer. My vivid and near constant daydreams are my coping mechanism, a way to check out of reality when it gets tough. In these daydreams, there’s little rejection and lots of the good stuff, but lately I’ve begun to wonder if this is a subconscious crutch I’m using, one that stops me from really living, from putting myself out there. That it will stop anyone else getting near me. It would help if there truly was a safe space for disabled people to have these conversations. I want podcasts, books, films, disabled sex columns – everything we don’t have now. Because if we don’t see ourselves, how are we to break barriers? It’s 2023. We all deserve love, healthy sex lives, and the chance to have our lives ruined, should we desire it.

Complete Article HERE!

Epilepsy and Sex

— How Epilepsy Can Affect Sexual Health

By Serenity Mirabito RN, OCN

Attention to sexual health in people with epilepsy is often lacking. Sexual dysfunction, however, is a side effect of epilepsy and the medications that treat it.

Although not fully understood, epilepsy can also cause endocrine disorders that negatively impact the reproductive system, leading to infertility. People with epilepsy need to talk to their healthcare providers about ways to prevent sexual problems when diagnosed with the condition.

This article addresses the cause of sexual problems in people with epilepsy and how to treat them.

What Is the Connection Between Sexual Problems and Epilepsy?

Sexual problems like decreased libido or inability to orgasm are more likely to occur in people with epilepsy compared to those who don’t have the disease. Because the brain is responsible for both epilepsy and sexual behavior, there is a connection between the two, which includes:

  • Brain excitability: Sexual dysfunction in people with epilepsy sometimes depends on the part of the brain from which the seizure originates. People with right-sided temporal lobe epilepsy have the highest rates of sexual dysfunction. People with partial epilepsy suffer from sexual dysfunction more than those with idiopathic generalized epilepsy.
  • Sex hormones: Abnormal secretion of sex hormones is common in people with epilepsy. Low testosterone and estradiol levels are associated with epilepsy and sexual dysfunction.
  • Endocrine disorders: People with epilepsy have fluctuating hormone levels that are either complicated by endocrine disorders or cause them. The hormonal instability and endocrine diseases further worsen sexual problems in men and women, including the ability to conceive.
  • Psychological effects: People with epilepsy often complain of poor self-esteem and stigma around their illness. A limited ability to work, drive, or attend school can lead to depression and anxiety. The added fear of having a seizure during sex can also inhibit the desire for intimacy.

Do Drugs That Treat Epilepsy Cause Sexual Problems?

Not only do seizures, hormones, and psychological issues diminish sexual function, but the medications that treat epilepsy also impact sexual health. Some anti-epileptic drugs (AEDs) cause elevated liver enzymes that lead to suppressed sex hormones. Other AEDs have a depressive effect on the brain that can leave people feeling sedated and uninterested in sex.

AEDs known for increasing liver enzymes and decreasing sex hormones include:

Speak to your healthcare provider about how anti-epileptic drugs could affect your sexual health.

How Are Sexual Problems Due to Antiepileptic Drugs Treated?

Some AEDs effectively treat seizures and have minimal sexual side effects. Changing medications may be an option depending on the type and severity of the seizure disorder. AEDs that have a decreased implication for sexual dysfunction are:

If switching AEDs doesn’t work, you may be able to take medications that help treat sexual dysfunctions. These include:

Reducing the dose of the AED, building up a tolerance to the medication, and taking the drug after sex may improve sexual ability. It may take various approaches to find the best solution for improved sexual health, but keeping an open dialogue with your healthcare provider is essential.

Symptoms and Gender Differences

Sexual problems in people with epilepsy can affect up to 60% of men and 50% of women. Although men and women with epilepsy may experience decreased libido, other sexual problems manifest differently in each gender.

Men

In addition to decreased testosterone levels and the side effects of AEDs, performance anxiety can cause the following sexual problems in men with epilepsy:

Women

Endocrine disorders, low levels of female hormones, menstrual irregularities, and psychiatric conditions have been linked to sexual and reproductive dysfunctions in women with epilepsy.

Epileptic women often experience the following sexual problems:

In addition, endocrine disorders that affect fertility in women with epilepsy are:

How Are Sexual Problems With Epilepsy Treated?

Treating sexual problems associated with epilepsy begins by telling your healthcare provider. Various methods can help improve sexual dysfunction in people with epilepsy. Some options that may help include:

  • Hormone replacement therapy: Replacing testosterone and estradiol may improve sexual health.
  • Medications: Drugs are available to help increase sexual desire and treat conditions like premature ejaculation.
  • Improving mental health: Treating underlying depression and anxiety can help with intimacy.
  • Lubrication: Vaginal pain and dryness during sex can be relieved with water-based lubrication.
  • Erection management: Prevent or reduce penile flaccidity by placing an elastic band at the base of the penis, using vacuum devices, or using an intracavernosal injection of vasodilators.
  • Brain surgery: Research found anterior temporal lobectomy resulted in being seizure-free in 60% of patients. Those patients also reported significant improvement in sexual function.

Summary

People with epilepsy often experience sexual problems. Hormonal abnormalities, endocrine disorders, fear, and side effects of treatment may lead to sexual dysfunctions. Depression, loneliness, and anxiety can occur if sexual health is not seriously addressed. There are various methods available for improving sexual impairments in people with epilepsy. Talk to your healthcare provider about ways to prevent sexual problems if you have been diagnosed with epilepsy.

A Word From Verywell

Sexual health plays a valuable role in the quality of life; many people feel unsatisfied and disconnected when it’s poor. If you’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy and are struggling with libido, the ability to orgasm, infertility, or depression, you are not alone. Speaking to your healthcare provider about these symptoms so they can help you feel better is essential.

Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Complete Article HERE!

How Does Disability Affect Sex?

— People living with disabilities are often assumed to be asexual, which can have disastrous effects on their well-being. Humans are inherently sexual and, as such, deserve to have safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and be free to explore their sexuality and gender.

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  • Many people within society view people living with disabilities as asexual, leaving them with little access to sexual and reproductive healthcare and education.
  • People living with disabilities are sexual beings and are entitled to safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and to explore their sexual and gender identities.
  • Mobility, fatigue, and pain can affect the sex of someone living with a disability. However, there are multiple toys and positions that can be used to help alleviate some of these issues.

Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue may affect a person’s sex life, certain toys and positions can aid in pleasure.

How does disability affect sex?

Having a disability can affect sex in several ways, particularly for people with limited mobility, chronic pain, and fatigue. However, this doesn’t mean that those living with a disability cannot enjoy a healthy and pleasurable sex life, as having a physical or cognitive disability doesn’t limit a person’s sexuality.

Humans are inherently sexual and have sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. However, many people within society view people living with disabilities as ‘asexual,’ not wanting to have sex, or not experiencing sexual feelings. This stereotype can affect people living with disabilities in numerous ways, including diminishing self-confidence, desire, ability to find a partner, and ability to view themselves as sexual being. People living with disabilities exist along the same spectrum as nondisabled people, with varied sexual orientations and gender identities.

Those living with mobility issues and chronic pain may have to approach sex a little differently than they’d like to. However, there a sex toys designed specifically to help with this issue for those who’d like to engage in solo sex. For those wanting to engage in sex with a partner, several positions and tools can help alleviate pain and maximize pleasure.

How to maximize pleasure while living with a disability?

Give yourself permission to be sexual

Sadly, research has found that people living with disabilities often internalize the asexuality stereotype, which diminishes their sexual desire and arousal. However, all humans are sexual beings that deserve sexual pleasure. Permitting yourself to be sexual, both solo and with a partner, allows you to reclaim your sexuality and cultivate a pleasurable life.

Allowing yourself to be a sexual being has added benefits, particularly concerning sexual health, as those who are sexually autonomous have been found to make informed decisions about their sexual health, leading to healthier outcomes.

Use toys, tools, and positions that work for you

There are a number of tools, positions, and toys that assist people with limited mobility and chronic pain.

The Bump’n sex toy can be used in several different ways depending on your needs. It’s designed to be a huggable pillow that you can insert a number of sex toys into to hump or grind on, which is great for solo play.

Sex wedges and pillows can also assist with placing your body in a position that is comfortable for you. Depending on your mobility and your partner’s mobility, there are many different positions that you can use to increase pleasure. When exploring new positions with a partner, both partners need to be communicative and express what feels good and what doesn’t. And remember that lube goes a long way in making things feel good.

How does disability affect sexual health?

As many people living with a disability are labeled ‘asexual’ by society, they often do not receive adequate sexual health care from health providers. Those living with a disability need regular pap tests, breast exams, prostate exams, and testicular checks, just like the rest of society.

People living with a disability who engage in sex need to have regular STI checks and have access to education on the importance of contraception.

People living with disabilities should expect to be treated as the whole person by healthcare professionals and expect to receive necessary sexual health care. If your health care needs are not taken seriously, we encourage you to advocate for yourself or access services available in your area to get the care you deserve.

People living with disabilities are not given comprehensive sexual health education

Again, as many people in society see people with disabilities as asexual, sexual education is often overlooked. However, sex and relationship education is just as important for people with disabilities as for those without disabilities. Sex education for disabled people should be given as children, with age-appropriate information. Additional information should also be covered, including:

  • People living with disabilities can have romantic, meaningful, and pleasurable relationships.
  • Sexual information that is specific to their individual needs.

Receiving this education allows people to live sexually healthy and pleasurable lives in healthy relationships.

Humans are inherently sexual beings deserving of safe and pleasurable sexual experiences, relationships, and sexual healthcare access, including those with disabilities. If you are living with a disability, you are entitled to be treated and respected as a sexual being. Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue, may not allow you to have the sex you would like, there are toys, tools, and positions that can aid in pleasurable sexual experiences for solo and partnered play.

Complete Article HERE!

How does autism affect sexuality and sexual relationships?

Autistic people may experience certain challenges when it comes to sex and relationships. However, an autistic person can have a fulfilling sex life.

by Anna Smith

Autism can affect how a person communicates, learns, behaves, and socially interacts with others.

It does not require a cure. Being autistic can simply mean a person’s brain works in a way that is different from what society expects.

Autism is known as a spectrum disorder as it can affect people in different ways. Some autistic people require higher levels of support than others. This can mean they require assistance with daily tasks or skills such as language and behavior.

Other autistic people may need low levels of support or no support at all.

Autism frequently causes a person to have difficultyTrusted Source with social interactions. This may provide some challenges when it comes to forming relationships.

Read on to learn more about autism and sex, including how autism affects the development of sexuality and how to help an autistic person understand their sexual feelings.

If an autistic person needs help to understand their sexual feelings, a friend or family member may be able to assist. It is important for an autistic person to know that there is nothing wrong with having sexual feelings.

A person can help an autistic loved one understand that sex is natural and should be enjoyable. However, sexual behaviors are private and should only involve consenting adults.

When discussing sexual feelings with an autistic person, the following tips may be beneficial:

  • Let them know they are safe to discuss how they are feeling and that they can ask any questions about sex and sexuality.
  • Communicate openly and honestly, and without judgment.
  • Discuss sex education with them.
  • Teach them how to communicate with a sexual partner about things they do and do not enjoy.
  • Speak with them about boundaries and how to discuss these with a sexual partner.
  • Let them know they deserve to be treated with respect by any prospective partner.

Autism does not prevent a person from developing sexually. A study from 2021 found that most autistic adolescents and young adults have an interest in sex and relationships.

The study also noted that, on average, autistic adolescents and young adults had less knowledge of sex and privacy. This meant they were more likely to engage in inappropriate sexual behaviors.

Researchers think this lack of sexual knowledge may be due to factors such as:

  • difficulties with social interaction
  • insufficient sexual education
  • ableism that assumes autistic people do not have sexual feelings
  • stigmatization
  • exclusion from social interaction

It is important to provide sufficient sex education for autistic adolescents. This can help them learn what is and is not socially acceptable.

Additionally, sex education can prepare autistic adolescents for changes in their bodies as they go through puberty.

Planned Parenthood suggests parents and caregivers should aim to teach their children about:

  • puberty, before their body begins developing
  • reproductive health and how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections
  • appropriate and inappropriate behaviors

Sometimes an autistic person may have difficulty with eye contact. In this case, it may be helpful to discuss these topics on a walk side-by-side or while preparing a meal together.

A parent or caregiver may also try having conversations using “what if” questions to develop solutions, such as “what if a period begins at school?”

They should also be aware of any crushes the child or adolescent has and talk about how to be respectful of boundaries.

The following organizations and resources may be helpful:

According to the Organization for Autism Research (OAR), some autistic people may find that intimate activities help them feel less stressed or anxious.

However, some aspects of autism may lead to challenges.

Sensory sensitivity

For some people, sensory sensitivity to the sounds and physical sensations of sex may cause a person to feel uncomfortable.

If a person is uncomfortable or does not want to do something, they should share this with their partner. No one should feel required to do anything they are not comfortable with.

Discussing their needs with a partner can make it easier to find solutions. For example, people can tie their hair up if the tickling causes discomfort, or they can wear lightweight clothes during sex if skin-to-skin contact feels uncomfortable.

Communication

When entering into a sexual relationship, communication is always important.

People may benefit from discussing their needs with their partner before engaging in sexual activity.

They may find the following tips beneficial:

  • Decide on a safe word or sound that indicates “stop.”
  • Decide on a “yes, no, or maybe” list before engaging in physical activity.
  • Keep a notepad near the bed to write notes they can point to if needed.

An autistic person may feel worried about disclosing their autism to a potential partner. They may fear that the person will think differently of them. An autistic person should only disclose their diagnosis if they are comfortable sharing it.

People may wish to end a sexual relationship if their partner:

  • ignores their communication needs
  • ignores their sensory needs
  • tries to make them feel bad

Sex can also be overwhelming. Autistic people may find it hard to communicate when they are overwhelmed. This can lead to feelings of anxiety or discomfort.

People can arrange to express gestures that indicate “yes” or “no” during sex. If people become overwhelmed during sex and cannot communicate verbally, they can tap their partner on the back to indicate that they want the activity to stop.

Picking up on verbal or nonverbal cues can be difficultTrusted Source for some autistic people.

An autistic person may benefit from letting potential partners know they need to be direct with them. This can also be helpful during sex, as an autistic person may not notice if their partner is signaling discomfort.

The best thing a person can do while in a sexual relationship is to communicate with the other person. Talking openly and honestly can make things more enjoyable.

Public vs. private

Knowing the difference between behavior that is acceptable in public and private settings is important. It can help to keep everyone safe.

The following table outlines some examples of behaviors and when they might be appropriate:

Healthy relationships

Relationships can be difficult to navigate, and there are many types. Depending on the relationship, a person’s behavior can be appropriate or inappropriate.

Romantic relationships involve people having an emotional and potentially sexual connection with each other that is consensual and reciprocal.

The OAR notes that healthy relationships include the following characteristics:

  • communication
  • trust
  • being emotionally respectful
  • being physically respectful
  • honesty
  • equality
  • being accepting of each other

Dating

Dating can be complex, and it is important to remember that:

  • Having a crush is natural, and it is possible to have a crush on more than one person.
  • It is fine not to have a crush on anyone.
  • Flirting can be fun, but respecting other people’s boundaries is important.
  • Being in a relationship can be challenging, and communicating is important.
  • Although it is difficult, ending relationships is sometimes necessary.

Online relationships and safety

The internet can be a good place to develop relationships, providing a person remains safe.

When they are online, people should remember the following rules:

  • A person does not have to share or post anything they do not want to.
  • A person should take precautions if they decide to follow an online meeting with a real-life meeting.
  • Assume that anyone can find the information a person posts online.
  • Never share any personal details, including financial information and full birth date, with anyone on the internet.
  • Never engage with any sexually explicit materials that include people under 18 years of age.

Sexual feelings are natural and not something a person should be ashamed of. It is also natural for a person not to have sexual feelings. People should never be made to feel shame for their sexuality.

Expressing sexuality can be healthy for an autistic person. Research from 2020Trusted Source found a link between sexual dissatisfaction and depressive symptoms and lower mental health. An autistic person may find that sexual behaviors help reduce anxiety or stress.

Complete Article HERE!

Think You Can’t Have Good Sex After a Chronic Illness Diagnosis?

Think Again!

Your sex life shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

by Amy Mackelden

Receiving an unexpected diagnosis can affect every aspect of your life, including your sex life.

There are so many misconceptions when the topics of chronic illness and sex converge, making it a potentially scary subject for anyone learning to live within their “new normal.”

I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (RRMS) 2 weeks after my 30th birthday, and I had a plethora of questions on my mind, some of which involved my sex life.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic condition in which a person’s nervous system attacks itself, creating lesions on the brain and spine, often damaging the nerve pathways. This can result in numbness, tingling, itching, nerve pain, spasticity, mobility changes, and many other symptoms.

As a result, I knew my sex life was going to change, but I had no idea how.

It took some time, but I eventually discovered it was possible to have a satisfying sex life while living with a chronic illness and disability.

It might seem obvious to anyone who’s living with a lifelong condition or disability that sex is often an important aspect of our lives. However, when it comes to seeking medical advice following a life altering diagnosis, sex regularly goes unmentioned.

Research shows that many healthcare providers have limited knowledge of and confidence in talking about sexuality and chronic illness and disability. They’re also commonly really uncomfortable bringing it up with patients.

Meanwhile, research is limited on sexual dysfunction related to chronic illness. It makes sense, then, that some medical professionals may be uncomfortable addressing the subject with patients.

However, this lackluster response can sadly make those of us with chronic conditions feel as though we’re asking too much, or that the support we need just isn’t available.

If, like me, you’ve broached the subject of sex with a medical professional, it’s likely that you’ve also had mixed results.

Some suggestions have been helpful, from “use more lube” to “have sex earlier in the day to avoid fatigue.”

Others have made me question whether my sex life is important, and more specifically, if anyone else believes that my sex life is worth saving.

However, it’s crucial to find the right healthcare provider who understands the unique needs of someone facing a difficult diagnosis or lifelong condition.

It’s impossible to explore all of the ways that a chronic illness or disability might affect a person’s sex life, especially as each individual will be affected differently.

After finding out that I have MS, my sex life changed, first for the worse, and then for the better.

I had a major relapse that affected both of my legs and caused numbness from the waist down. This made sex an uncomfortable experience for several months afterwards, and I lost the ability to feel orgasms.

There were times I wondered whether I’d ever experience an orgasm again. Sex itself felt strange and made me tingle all over, not in a good way.

My body has also been affected by pain, mobility changes, and fatigue, but I’ve persevered in spite of any difficulties because I didn’t want to give up on having a sex life.

While I’ve spoken to some wonderfully supportive doctors and medical professionals, it’s also been suggested that companionship is more important in a relationship and that I should make the most of what I have, even if it doesn’t involve sex.

The implication, of course, was that sex was somehow less important to a person with an incurable illness, but that’s simply not the case.

When it comes to disability, people often speak of accessibility, so why shouldn’t the same parameters extend to having sex?

Here are some of the things that might make sex more accessible (and more fun!) if you’re living with a chronic illness.

Communication is key

While it might sound obvious, communication is key in any relationship.

“Some people believe that if two people love each other, sexual activities should automatically feel mutually wonderful and satisfying,” says Lee Phillips, EdD, LICSW, a licensed clinical psychotherapist and AASECT certified sex therapist.

“The number of sexual problems reported by people with chronic illness demonstrates all too conclusively that there is nothing automatic about sex,” says Phillips.

It’s all too easy to feel frustrated when sex and intimacy don’t magically happen the way we want it to.

When one or both partners in a relationship have a disability or chronic illness, it’s more important than ever to talk through any issues or concerns there might be.

For instance, sometimes my condition affects my ability to physically feel anything during penetrative sex, and I always let my partner know about any new symptoms or changes I’m experiencing.

“Sexual communication is critical because it can address sexual likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs, sexual needs and desires, sexual fears and concerns, past positive sexual experiences, and past negative sexual experiences,” says Phillips. “It is the key ingredient for enhancing a sex life.”

Explore intimacy and your ‘new normal’

While not everyone will be interested in therapy after receiving a surprising medical diagnosis or adjusting to life with a disability, finding a therapist who understands your needs could make all the difference.

“I always call therapy the safe container,” says Phillips, who hosts the Sex & Chronic Illness podcast.

“It is the place where people who are chronically ill feel safe and it is a place where they are not judged. It is the place where they can learn the skills in using their voice. This helps them become more aware and assertive in expressing their sexuality.”

If you’ve recently received a diagnosis, then it’s possible you’re feeling shell-shocked and lacking in confidence.

This is why considering therapy and finding a specialized therapist could be particularly helpful, especially if you’re dealing with relationships, intimacy, and sex.

“We have to realize that when so much changes in a person or a couple’s life due to chronic illness, a satisfying sex life can be one way to feel healthy and normal,” says Phillips.

Get creative

Whether you’ve always hoped to explore your sexuality in more depth, or you’re looking to spice things up post-diagnosis, it’s always possible to create more fun, excitement, and surprises in your sex life.

“When living with a chronic illness, sex can be a powerful source for comfort, pleasure, and intimacy,” Phillips says. “Therefore, I always say that you have to get curious about your partner and get creative with your sex. People start to look at this as a new sexual adventure because so much has changed due to chronic illness.”

If, like me, your physical sensations have changed with your chronic illness, you might need to try new positions and techniques to achieve orgasm or feel good during sex.

If you can, try viewing this as a positive thing rather than a burden and an opportunity to create greater intimacy with a partner.

Depending on your illness or disability, you may not be able to restore sensation to certain part of your body. That doesn’t mean pleasure isn’t possible.

“Focus should be on stimulation to the chosen area without any plans of moving to any other areas or having sexual intercourse,” says Phillips. “These exercises place the emphasis on intimacy and pleasure over the goal of performance and orgasm.”

If your body has changed because of a chronic condition or disability, then using toys or props might help. (If you have regularly bemoaned the lack of fully accessible sex toys, a new company, Handi, might soon have the answer.)

Don’t give up if you don’t want to

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that the choice of whether to have a sex life is yours and yours alone.

Whether you’re working on your orgasm solo (like I needed to do), or you’re embracing sexual intimacy with another person, your sex life is yours.

It shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

Complete Article HERE!

Let’s Talk About Sex and Disability

By Briana Beaver

“Can you even have sex?” Scooting back on my massage table, I brace myself against the wall. Taken aback by the abrupt question, I consider my response. “Yes, I can.”

The truth is I am embarrassed to admit I’ve had this conversation with a few men.

Having a physical disability and related health issues has made dating seemingly impossible. Battling antiquated ideas about what physical disability means for sexuality is something I took up as an undergraduate honors thesis. But however idealistic my aims for educating the world are, I’m still just a single woman with a boatload of fatigue and dwindling patience for ignorance.

Although I am anything but modest when it comes to discussing sexuality and disability in an academic setting, apparently, I’m uncomfortable when it comes to talking about my own abilities. Painful as it is for me to admit, I just don’t have enough experience to answer some of the questions I’m being asked. That is, if I want to answer them.

While part of me appreciates the honesty and proactive nature of such questions, I’m also simultaneously offended. What makes men think they have any right to this information? How is this appropriate at this juncture in early dating?

The fact that disability and sexuality are rarely found together in education, literature, or culture makes navigating these kinds of conversations confusing. Classes about sexuality in my own educational background have never included disability. If anything, the sexual being part of my humanity seems to have been completely ignored because I have a disability.

Although I’ve always planned on getting married and becoming a mother, the logistics of intimacy and the potential accommodations I might require have never been brought to my attention. Attempting to search for relevant resources has yielded mostly depressing results. While people with disabilities openly discussing their sexuality and rights is becoming increasingly common, I still haven’t seen many good resources that offer guidance.

My embarrassment about my limited experience with sexual intimacy is highlighted by awkward conversations like these. I wonder if it is the type of conversation women and men have regularly. I dodge questions that feel too intimate, yet I’ll reveal honest details about the absence of men in my past.

Mostly though, I feel inadequate as a human. I feel small, patronized, and infantilized by a culture that tells me I’m unworthy of sexual attention.

While the topic is uncomfortable, I wonder if somehow it’s a stepping stone to the kind of romantic relationship I’m looking for.

Baby steps, I remind myself. Baby steps.

Complete Article HERE!

SexTech and Disability

— Why These Markets Matter

By Wednesday Lee Friday

Everyone enjoys sex—or could, if they had access to the right products and solutions. Most SexTech is designed with able-bodied consumers in mind, which begs the question: What about the disabled market?

We spoke to leaders at three prominent adult product companies to examine the state of SexTech in terms of accessibility and meeting the needs of those with disabilities. Andrew Gurza, Chief Disability Officer at Handi; Dr. Soum Rakshit, Co-Founder and CEO of Mystery Vibe, and AJ Vitaro, President of Zen by Design.

Responses may be slightly edited for clarity or brevity.

SexTech Magazine: In terms of numbers, how big is the market for able-inclusive products? Is there enough potential revenue on the table to attract industry attention? In other words, does servicing this community make financial sense, as opposed to simply being ‘the right thing to do?

Dr Soum Rakshit: My research shows that 15% of people have some sort of physical disability (not including blindness), though many aren’t disabilities we can see. Setting aside numbers though, good designs should work well for everyone. When we designed Crescendo, versatility was our core concept. This involved adding a lock, making buttons flush, and adding a remote or app control for those who might not be able to reach buttons during use.

AJ Vitaro: Paralysis, for example, due to a wide variety of conditions and injuries, effects nearly two percent of the population in The United States alone. However, being in the furniture design business for over twenty years and connecting with thousands of people, it leads us to believe that these numbers are even higher than anticipated. As far as revenue potential for our company in particular, it is not a target market for us, per say; however, we do attract those with disabilities due to the supportive, ergonomic nature of The Tantra Chair ®.

STM: On a scale of 1-10, how has the SexTech industry performed in terms of able-inclusivity? 

Andrew Gurza: I would rate the SexTech industry a 3/10 in terms of their inclusivity of the disabled population. That isn’t to say that companies haven’t attempted to address the inclusivity gap, however, we rarely see disabled people in the marketing or creation of the products themselves, and if they are considered, it seems to be an afterthought or a PR stunt versus being integrated into the strategy from the outset.

We are one of the only companies with a Chief Disability Officer and disabled Co-Founder who advises on the lived experience and has been integral to the branding and product design. We hope to be setting a positive example of inclusive design and integration.

STM: Can you take us through the launch of one of your inclusive products?

AJV: When we develop a product, the creative process is arduous, time consuming and extremely detailed. Sometimes it can take us over three years to perfect a design concept, and this was true for The Tantra Chair ®. We work with the dimensions of the human body across a very wide spectrum to come up with designs that nurture the majority of people whether they are struggling with an injury, disability or in perfect health. In our initial years, we were very surprised by the amount of people with injuries or disabilities that were pleased beyond measure because they were able to be comfortable again during intimacy. We continue to hear this often and it is something that we are truly grateful for.

Dr. S.R.: We made the product with inclusivity in mind, but did not include people with disabilities in our user group. This wasn’t planned, and we have since added more diversity to test groups. Our purpose is to design products for everyone, not because you want to tick a box. When people put time into a design, it works for everyone.

STM: Products that are marketed to surmount a specific obstacle can often go mainstream unexpectedly. The Clapper, a device that turns off electric appliances by clapping hands, was invented with customers with mobility issues in mind. Similarly, weighted blankets were products used to calm children with autism and hyperactivity disorder. Now these blankets are immensely popular for an array of consumers.  

Still, we wonder if there’s concern in the industry that disability-friendly products will be less desirable to abled people. How might that be mitigated?

AG: Many of the people that we spoke with at Handi as we created our tech were both disabled and non-disabled alike, and they all told us that they wanted a toy that could work for everyone. When you design with disability in mind, you can create a product that is accessible to everyone. At Handi, we also understand that disability will affect everyone at some point in their lives, so we should be creating products with that in mind. It’s like a type of orgasm insurance – even if you don’t need it today, you may very well tomorrow. Not to mention, there’s something very compelling about a hands-free sex toy – which 76% of our able-bodied respondents were interested in.

Dr. S.R. Yes, that’s a perception that can be mitigated with design. Imagine retrofitting something for disability access—a staircase, for example. It’s not going to look as good as a staircase that was designed for access from the beginning. Design is everything. The better the tech is, the less you’ll see it. Adult products push tech forward just as pornography did for internet speed, enhanced picture resolution, accessibility—even the battle between VHS tapes and Betamax was settled by adult content.

AJV: We don’t believe that disability-friendly products will be less desirable to abled people. With our product specifically, it can enhance the life of a person with a disability, an aging couple, or even healthy, adventurous couples.

STM: What should product designers and developers be aware of in order to create more inclusive products? 

Dr. S.R.: Things outside our day-to-day life are often invisible to us. So it’s important to keep updating. Pilot groups are vital to us, and we use 1,000 pilot users for each new product. Even if you can’t have a diverse focus group—piloting works.

AG: A big roadblock in the SexTech category is the lack of marginalized people involved in the creation of the final product from ideation to concept to production.  SexTech needs to actively include these voices all the way through the process if they want to truly be seen as inclusive. Otherwise it can come off as lip service. Talking the talk, but not walking the walk. One of the biggest needs that isn’t being addressed by the current SexTech, is the prevalence of people with limited dexterity or hand disabilities/limitations. The buttons on so many current products are small and not easy to use. Hundreds of millions of people live with this as a result of disabilities, and 63% of the people we surveyed said that they struggled with self-pleasure due to issues with hand mobility. We need more toys that are easier to use; have bigger buttons and are as hands-free as possible.

The only way to effectively address this is to hire more disabled people to work on the product and concept design. Listen to what they have to say; what are their frustrations with products? What are their frustrations with sexuality as disabled people? By truly listening to these stories, you can uncover a need, and from that, you can create a truly groundbreaking product that will not only change their sex life, but will change their life entirely.

AJV: This is a difficult question to answer, but many disabilities stem from nerve damage due to physical injury, stroke, etc. In most of these circumstances, the spinal column is damaged. We hyper focus on spinal support for everyone, may they have an injury, or not and this inadvertently attracts customers that want to maintain a healthy spinal column to those that are injured and limited in mobility. It makes perfect sense to create designs that will enhance the well-being of everyone.

STM: How should inclusion and representation be marketed? Do you lean toward separate marketing for each demographic, or one clear message for everyone?   

Dr. S.R.: We tend to use education rather than marketing, just letting people know what’s available to them. We’re proponents of reverse marketing; simply telling people about a product and inviting them to check it out often yields better results than click funnels and the like.   

STM: What do you see as the main challenges to marketing inclusive products?

AJV: We do not market our products (specifically The Tantra Chair ®) as a medical device for a variety of legal reasons. However, people with disabilities are inadvertently drawn to it, because they recognize that it can help them solve a physical problem or at the very least, create a much more comfortable experience for them.

Dr. S.R.: We have never marketed on the basis of inclusiveness. We think that might be divisive. If we make it a marketing point, people may think it’s not genuine. Inclusiveness should be done by default. The only time we talk about the inclusiveness of our products specifically is in award applications.

What we’re seeing is an industry moving forward to inclusivity as a matter of course. The way forward is to create and market SexTech products that can work for any user, and be effectively marketed across multiple demographics. Extending inclusivity into focus groups and test markets will go a long way toward making the very concept of ability-accessible products a thing of the past. That’s bound to improve sex lives—and every other aspect of life.

Complete Article HERE!

I Have Cerebral Palsy.

This Is How I Have Sex

“I found out early that I’m not always good at using my fingers, but I am good at using my tongue. So why not focus on that and try to get good?”

by Mark Hay

Research and charity organizations have dedicated a heartening number of resources to studying—and offering support to—those living with cerebral palsy (CP). CP is a rare disorder which may lead to vastly varied effects on a person’s lifelong balance, movement, and muscle tone and control. Yet for all the support and information out there, almost none of it explores how CP can affect an individual or a couple’s sex life.

This is not an unexpected research gap. It is representative of society’s tendency to desexualize disabled people—to see them as weak or pitiable and therefore infantile and impotent, objects of sympathy and care but never of sexual interest or agency. But it is a glaring gap. In a number of recent studies, adults with CP told researchers that they do have normal sex drives and desires. They have also said they lack support in learning how to navigate the complications their CP can cause in sex, not to mention the social stigmas about CP that affect the views of many in the dating pool. This lack of sexually focused research, education, and general support seemed to be a major source of discontent for many involved in these studies.

Thankfully a few people with CP, like Daniel James, Ryan Haddad, Spencer Williams, and Vix Jensen, a couple of organizations, like Cerebral Palsy Scotland, and even the disability-friendly sex toy maker Sportsheets, have in recent years started to fill that knowledge gap. Together, they have shared personal stories and compiled and spread the small amount of medical information about the intersections of sex and CP.

These resources, while limited, highlight how diverse the experience of sex with CP can be: Most people with CP experience some issues with balance and positioning, fatigue, or pelvic floor muscle tone, not to mention spasticity and stiffness in their joints or muscles. For some, these issues are minor, maybe even functionally inconsequential. But for others, they limit the positions or acts they can engage in, or require clever fixes involving, say, pillows and harnesses. Almost everyone, though, reports struggling with self-confidence, the idea that they are desirable and worthy of sexual pleasure, in the face of relentless cultural desexualization.

Still, most discussions of sex and CP focus on the experiences of the individual with the condition alone. As the saying goes, it takes (at least) two to tango; in any sexual relationship, be it short- or long-term, involving an able-bodied and disabled person, both parties have to figure out how to navigate sex together. To shed a little light on how this two-way navigation and exploration can unfold—keeping in mind the caveat that everyone’s sexual experience, especially with a condition as complex and varied as CP, is unique— VICE recently reached out to Alexander Presthus, a man with CP, and Christina Casetti, his long-term able-bodied partner. They told us, in detail, about how they initially felt out, built up, and now manage their sexual and intimate life together.

Alexander: [I started thinking about how my CP might affect my sex life] in my early teens, or even a little before. It was quite evident that girls didn’t see me as a potential love interest. For the longest time, I thought I would never find anyone. I thought no one would be interested.

When I was around 20, [I realized girls could be interested in me]. It takes people a certain amount of time and maturity to get used to the idea of something romantic with a disabled person. So around that time, girls tended to be more open to me, whereas before, they were completely off the idea. I had my first kiss when I was 20—in a hospital, actually, so very romantic. That’s when I started to gain some confidence. After I started gaining confidence, it was easier to get the interest of a woman. It snowballed from there; I got my first regular girlfriend when I was 22. That experience solidified my confidence in being able to have a fairly normal sex and romantic life.

But fine motor skills are not my forte. When it comes to sex, positions that are more adventurous are a no-go. And I noticed that people thought I was fragile. They were afraid something would go horribly wrong during sex, or thought that they would hurt me or something like that.

Still, as I got more confident, I got less scared about what other people would think. So I got more honest and open [about my CP and sex]. But I wouldn’t mention it much because I didn’t want to make it a bigger deal than it was.

Christina: Yeah, [when we were getting involved], you just said, “I have CP.” Oh, okay.

[Before I met Alexander,] I’d just had experiences with able-bodied people. I study medicine, but everything in those books is just so sterile. So I’d never thought about the sexual [side of things.]

So when he said, “I have CP,” well, first, I hadn’t noticed because we met on Skype and he was sitting so it didn’t really show. But I didn’t know what to expect. Then I read [about it, including an article he’d written on sex and CP,] so I had a bit of insight… But I felt lost, because it was entirely new. And when I tried to find things out, I didn’t find many resources. Everything was for parents and caregivers [of children with CP]. I would have liked to talk about sex and CP with someone who was not him and say things [that I was feeling but] that he might perceive as negative. I don’t want him to be sad—especially if he’s the problem, so to speak.

But I didn’t have any expectations [going into sex]. I just took what came and said, okay, if we work, we work. I also learned from him that there’s always a solution. And we found them.

Mostly, I just wanted to keep things natural with him, like I had with other people before him, and to find out together what we could do and what we liked and talk about it.

Alexander: I don’t think we talked much before [the first time we had sex].

Christina: We did talk a little bit about things you could and could not do. One thing that stuck with me was you not being able to put the condom on and needing the partner to do it. I’d never done it before and I was a bit scared. But that and other things come more naturally to me now.

Not just in sex, but in general, I would tend to overstep and do things because I’d think, oh, he can’t do it. But then I’d learn, oh, he can. Everything else, though, we talk about [in the moment] and decide if it’s better if he does it, or if I do it. With the condoms, though, it’s always me.

Alexander: It’s just more practical.

Christina: But he tells me things, and I listen.

Alexander: Which is a great improvement on the majority of the population, because they don’t listen. They have a preconceived notion of what they should do [with a disabled person]. People either tend to be overbearing and do everything for you, or they’re over-afraid and don’t do anything.

Complete Article HERE!

‘It’s a human right’:

The campaign for learning disabled people’s love lives

Pam Bebbington and her husband, Mike. ‘Relationships are important because they give you a life companion,’ she says.

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Care staff are being encouraged to support people to develop intimate relationships and enrich their emotional lives

Pam Bebbington met her husband, Mike, through a personal ad in her local paper. She’s been married for 21 years, and appreciates having a soulmate. “Relationships are important because they give you a life companion,” she says. “You can share things and cuddle up.”

But Bebbington, a consultant at self-advocacy charity My Life My Choice (MLMC), says many of her learning disabled peers struggle with relationships. “Finding the right person is hard. Parents and carers can get in the way and curfews [such as in supported housing], money and travelling all make it difficult.” She says care staff must “allow people to have a relationship and encourage them to do so”.

This is the aim behind the nationwide Supported Loving campaign MLMC is involved in, which offers practical advice on enabling people’s intimate and emotional lives. Research has shown that young people with a learning disability lack accessible sex education resources and only 3% of people with a learning disability live as a couple, compared with 70% of the general population.

Supported Loving originally began two years ago as a social media campaign. Since then it has grown according to demand, offering good practice resources developed by support organisations and people with learning disabilities, some of whom feature in videos used in training.

Claire Bates, Supported Loving founder, says the campaign’s ultimate aim is mandatory training in sex and relationships.

She believes supporting someone’s emotional and intimate needs should be par for the course in social care. “This shouldn’t be [in] the ‘too difficult’ pile,” she says. “People with learning disabilities are often so far away from having a sexual partner, they need support to meet someone first. We need to help people have meaningful friendships and from that will come a sexual relationship, if they want one.”

Supported Loving’s latest development is an online toolkit contributed to by a range of organisations, including family planning associations, care providers, specialist dating agencies, and staff working in relationship and sex education. There is practical advice on topics including contraception, sexual health, masturbation, online dating, LGBT relationships and sex workers.

There are also plans to publish a charter promoting the relationship rights of learning disabled people, which MLMC, Supported Loving and social inclusion charity National Development Team for Inclusion are developing.

One of the toolkit’s guides outlines how relationship support should be a vital part of a care professional’s role. The tips and examples, contributed by training organisation Paradigm, suggest staff receive face-to-face guidance on how to have conversations about and support people in exploring sexuality, love and relationships. There must be clear policies around relationships rather than incorporating this issue into safeguarding training. Staff must also not assume people lack the capacity to form loving bonds or have sexual relationships.

Such online guidance is available alongside quarterly meetings that take place across the country. These aim to discuss issues and share best practice on everything from sexual abuse to online dating, with participants including people with learning disabilities or autism, family members and professionals working in social care and health.

Supported Loving is also complemented by research at the Tizard Centre University of Kent (Bates is the project’s honorary research associate). Michelle McCarthy, the professor leading the work, says of social attitudes: “Historically we didn’t expect people with learning disabilities to have rich, emotional lives – as if they were somehow ‘other’, and if they were physically cared for that was enough. That attitude hasn’t entirely gone.”

McCarthy’s project, which included four advisers with learning disabilities, explored the views of 40 learning disabled adults and 40 family carers and support staff. The research has yet to be published but emerging findings illustrate the very specific barriers created by social care services. These include a lack of one-to-one support, restrictions about overnight visitors and safeguarding concerns.

McCarthy explains: “The way services are structured and run is that they themselves can be barriers to people. So if you’ve only got only a few staff you can’t offer people one-to-one support to go and meet someone to have a date.”

The comments from learning disabled people gathered by McCarthy and her researchers underline just how vital it is to achieve progress in this area. When asked about why relationships are important, one learning disabled participant replied: “Sometimes I get lonely and I think if I’ve got somebody who I could trust it would make me happier.”

As Bates says: “It is people’s human right to have a relationship. It shouldn’t be a ‘nice to have’, but something that adds value to people’s lives. We are social animals; if you don’t see someone in that way, then you don’t see them as human.”

Complete Article HERE!

On Sex and Relationships for Autistic Folks

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“One of the greatest dangers that face an autistic adult is not having sufficient information to deal with adult issues,” writes autistic romance writer Dahlia Donovan on her blog. One of the big problems, according to Dahlia, is that the information that’s out there isn’t designed for autistic folks.

The Problem: Lack of Resources Specifically for Autistic Folks

“Sex education is almost entirely written by non-autistics,” Dahlia explained.  “In my experience, it does not take into account how our minds work. We tend to be literal thinkers. We don’t ‘read between the lines.’ We also aren’t good at reading body language, other people’s expression, and tone of voice. At least, I’m not good at it. That all, to me, plays into sex education.

“I think one of the dangers, in particular, are autistics need a more detailed view on gender, sexuality, consent, etc. We’re at a greater risk of being taken advantage of because the education isn’t there. Non-autistics take for granted a lot of things that we don’t necessarily understand.”

This article is just the tip of the iceberg about these subjects. I interviewed Dahlia, as well as Dr. Jenny Palmiotto, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of loveandautism.com, about specific issues related to sex, dating, and relationships for autistic folks.

“I think one of the dangers, in particular, are autistics need a more detailed view on gender, sexuality, consent, etc. We’re at a greater risk of being taken advantage of because the education isn’t there. Non-autistics take for granted a lot of things that we don’t necessarily understand.”
-Dahlia Donovan

In this discussion, it’s important to remember that everyone’s experience varies, as does what you need. For instance, Dahlia’s experiences may resonate for some and not others. Take what’s helpful and disregard the rest.

When the World Tells You to Hide Who You Are

It’s common for folks trying to “help” austistic folks to recommend being a little more neurotypical. This can include friends and family members and even well-intentioned experts. As a result, you might’ve learned to hide things that make you different, even with loved ones.

Jenny explained it becomes common in dating relationships for an autistic person to try and change or hide who they are. “Sometimes they’ll even people-please to keep a partner satisfied or appear as a formidable mate,” Jenny explained. “Those things can be damaging in a relationship. In my opinion, authenticity is core to a healthy partnership. If you’re not being your authentic self, there’s no way for you to get to vulnerability and trust in a relationship, and inevitably that’s not going to feel good for long.”

So how do you learn to be authentic when the world has told you to hide who you are?

Start With Self-Love

“If you hate yourself, then you’re not going to get to the point where you’re in a position to give your real self to somebody else,” Jenny said. “I think that having a healthy relationship with yourself is critical to showing up in a partnership and not creating a narrative related to rejection. In that, you have to have a decent relationship with your autistic self as well.”

According to Jenny, working on a deeper self-love includes figuring out what ideals or identities you’re holding onto that don’t serve you well. For instance, believing you need to be highly sexual, or more extroverted, or more feminine or masculine in order to find love and affection.

What ideals are you holding onto that are unhealthy? How can you work to let them go and love yourself as you are?

But this doesn’t mean you have to have everything figured out.

It’s Okay to Not Understand Everything About Yourself

Dahlia hasn’t completely figured out her own sexual or gender identity: “There’s this slight detachment I have towards sexuality and gender that always leaves me baffled by it. I was born a woman, and I identify as one, but mostly I’m just like — what even is gender … of everything I’ve learned over the last ten years, it’s taken until I hit 40 this year for me to say I’m on the asexual spectrum. And even then, I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely comfortable with the idea of a sexual identity in general for myself,” Dahlia explained. “I’ve spoken to many fellow autistics who experience the same confusion.”

If you feel like there are things about sex, sexuality, gender, or relationships that you just don’t get, you’re not alone. It might be helpful to remember that nobody has everything figured out regardless of whether they’re autistic. If someone makes you feel bad for that which you don’t know or understand, that’s their problem (and there’s probably a lot of things they won’t admit they don’t understand, either).

But, as we said earlier, autistic folks have the added disadvantage of sex education not being designed in a way that easily speaks to them. Therefore it becomes more difficult to figure things out.

So how can you educate yourself? Dahlia recommends asking questions in autistic communities. “There’s a lovely online community of adult autistics who are generally really open to helping other autistics. Autistic bloggers and organizations like Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN).

The Importance of Finding Your Tribe

“When we’re with our people, whoever people are, then we are the best versions of ourselves,” Jenny said. “We’re not doing the kind of pretending or faking or fitting in. We’re just being whoever we are. It can feel remarkable when it happens, and when it doesn’t happen, it can feel like physical pain.”

It can be much harder to find your tribe with speech and mobility issues, but there are online communities that can be helpful. For instance, Twitter and Tumblr can be a great ways to find community.

Complete Article HERE!

‘A human need’

Disability groups say people on NDIS should have access to sex workers

By Judith Ireland

Disabled Australians should be able to access sex toys, dating support and sex workers under the National Disability Insurance Scheme if they require them to live a normal life, a coalition of disability advocates says.

Four of Australia’s major disability groups argue the NDIS needs a “sexuality policy” to cover a broad range of needs such as adaptive sex toys, services from sex workers and sex therapists – as well as education about sexuality and relationships.

But the National Disability Insurance Agency, which administers the NDIS, says the scheme does not cover sexual services or therapies as part of its assistance to disabled Australians.

The agency recently launched an appeal against a tribunal decision that granted a severely disabled women access to a sex therapist under her NDIS plan.

People with Disability Australia spokesperson Matthew Bowden said it was a “human need” for people to be able to express their sexuality and have fulfilling sexual experiences, urging the government to show a “compassionate approach to a private and sensitive issue”.

In a new position statement, Disabled People’s Organisations Australia says disabled people date, have casual partners, marry and enjoy loving relationships like others in the community.

“Historically, people with disability have been subjected to societal beliefs that we are either asexual or hypersexual, while constantly being denied full autonomy over our own bodies,” says the alliance, which include organisations that represent women, Indigenous and multicultural Australians.

“While accessing services of a sex worker may not be for everyone, this option should not be denied or dismissed on the basis of disability, or the moral beliefs of third parties.”

Disability advocates stress that access to sexuality supports – particularly sex workers – would be considered on a case-by-case basis, and involve significant disability. For example, this might include someone with severe cerebral palsy who could not reach their own genitals.

Saul Ibister, president of Touching Base, an organisation that has been helping disabled people access sex workers for 20 years, said sexual expression was part of an ordinary life.

“The community does not expect people with disability to live the life of a nun,” he said.

In July, the Administrative Appeals Tribunal found the provision of a sex therapist was a “reasonable and necessary” support under the NDIS for a woman with multiple sclerosis.

The woman is in her 40s and was diagnosed with MS about 16 years ago. She finds it difficult to walk but has no loss of intellectual capacity.

The NDIA originally refused the woman’s request for “sexual release” but the AAT found in her favour. The government almost immediately announced it would challenge that decision, and an appeal has been lodged with the Federal Court.

Sex therapists do not touch clients but focus on issues such as how to adapt sexual activity to a disability.

An NDIA spokesperson said: “The NDIS does not cover sexual services, sexual therapy or sex workers in a participant’s NDIS plan.

“The NDIS can fund supports to enable [people] to participate in the activities they choose; however, the NDIS does not fund the private activity itself and does not generally fund the cost of private activities.”

Complete Article HERE!

Recent study suggests sex could slow Parkinson’s disease

That’s one factor identified in a large-scale study of early stage Parkinson’s patients

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There’s still no known cure for Parkinson’s disease, but a recent study gives some hope that it can be at least slowed down. 

The treatment? Sexual activity.

The study, published by the European Journal of Neurology and conducted by a British and Italian research team over 24 months, examined the relationship between an active sexual life and the progression of early-stage PD.

Parkinson’s disease is a neurodegenerative disorder that affects dopamine-producing neurons in the brain, causing a range of debilitating physical symptoms over time including tremors, loss of balance and motor skills, and rigidity.

Causes remain a mystery, and PD is expected to affect 1 million Americans by the year 2020, making the results of this study a welcome bit of positive news.

The study involved a subgroup of patients involved in the PRIAMO study, a large Italian multicenter observational study designed to assess the prevalence and evolution of non-motor skills (NMS) in patients affected by PD.  

The average age of the participants was 57,  and all were considered to be in the “early stages” of PD progression.  They were tested for baseline motor skills, underwent a mental-health screening, and completed an extensive health interview during which they were asked a range of questions related to overall health.

Patients were also asked if they had sex and/or sexual dysfunction during the past year. Male respondents were twice as likely to be sexually active as the women in the study, but nearly half of the male respondents also complained of problems with erectile dysfunction. 

According to researchers, sexual activity did drop off for many subjects during the following two years of the study, but they concluded that men who engaged in sexual activity displayed less severe motor disability and a better overall quality of life than those who did not.

Women, however, did not share in those results.

No clear reason is certain, although the study skewed heavily male (238 men versus 117 women) and PD symptoms can be different for men and women. Women also may not have felt as comfortable answering questions about their sexual activity and habits.

In addition, certain medications PD patients take to activate dopamine receptors in the brain can increase movement. These may account for the increased quality of life described in the study.

Still, doctors and patients alike should be encouraged by the findings, and hopefully this is a step in the right direction of Parkinson’s knowledge and treatment.

Complete Article HERE!

Hospital’s new online workshop helps parents talk about sexual health with kids with disabilities

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Having “the talk” fills most families with dread. For parents of teens with disabilities, the conversation often takes on an added layer of complexity. Parents want to keep their especially vulnerable children close and safe, while instilling independence and strong self-esteem. They want their kids to assert their own boundaries, even as these children often require assistance with many aspects of their daily lives. Parents want their youth to go out into the world and have healthy relationships, but they worry because disabled people are at increased risk of abuse.

In a bid to help, Toronto’s Holland Bloorview Kids Rehabilitation Hospital launched a new online tool Monday designed for parents looking for insight into how to speak meaningfully with their disabled youth about sex. The new workshop, available free to the public off the hospital’s YouTube channel, covers everything from good relationships and consent to gender identity and social media – this for a cohort often left out of the sex ed discussion, thanks to lingering stigma around disabled people’s sexuality.

“We have needs and desires as well. We need to be educated on how to navigate these situations and have these conversations without it feeling like it’s such a taboo topic,” said Emily Chan, who co-designed the new workshop as chair of the hospital’s youth advisory council.

Chan, 22, has centronuclear myopathy, a rare neuromuscular condition. She said parents of those with disabilities often keep a “tight rein” on their children, but she urged them to speak with their kids about healthy relationships early, “not waiting until we’re heading into adulthood, or already in adulthood.”

The online workshop follows the release last week of new guidelines that recommended sexual health education be made available at short- and long-term care facilities serving youth with disabilities or chronic illnesses, with information geared toward their specific needs. Colleges and universities should offer comprehensive sex ed training to those studying to be caregivers and personal support workers for disabled people, according to The Canadian Guidelines for Sexual Health Education from the Sex Information & Education Council of Canada, a non-profit organization promoting sexual and reproductive health.

Joanne Downing sets the same priorities when she talks to her three children, ages 17 to 21, including her 19-year-old son Matthew, who has quadriplegic cerebral palsy and is non-verbal. Downing wants them all to be safe, respectful and make good choices.

“We talk about ‘my space, your space,’ and ‘good touch, bad touch,’” Downing, 57, said about Matthew. “He can understand whether or not he’s crossed that barrier or if someone’s crossed that barrier on him.”

Downing offered a family perspective for the new webinar and coached parents at two workshops held at the hospital over the winter. Talking to her own son, Downing uses proper terminology for body parts, and explains the difference between private and public space. One thing she recommends parents do with their disabled teens is differentiate between platonic friendships and romantic or sexual relationships.

“[Matthew’s] perception of having a girlfriend is someone of the opposite sex who’s a friend that he can hang out with,” Downing said. “He definitely likes girls and he flirts. He loves it. He knows pretty much every single swim instructor at the pool.”

Downing stressed the importance of striking a balance between autonomy and safety. Even though she’s involved in every facet of Matthew’s life and care, the mother has also taught her son how to ask for privacy.

Autonomy is critical to discussions of sex ed with this cohort, according to Yukari Seko, a research associate at Bloorview Research Institute, who along with social worker Gabriella Carafa developed the new online workshop. “Research shows that parents of children with a disability can be overprotective, and understandably so because they need more help,” Seko said. “But it can sometimes hinder their transition to adulthood. They need to learn and practice taking some risks.”

Opportunities to be independent – and to fail – are integral to figuring out what you want and don’t want in adult life, said Chan. “Youth need the chance to explore their environment and their relationships with others, to not be afraid to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes,” she said. “You need to be able to get out into the real world and have those experiences to shape your personality, beliefs, values and how you approach different situations.”

At the same time, safety is a very real concern for these parents. Children and youth with a disability or chronic health condition are at an increased risk of sexual abuse, according to the Canadian Paediatric Society.

Miriam Kaufman, author of the Society’s report on this issue and the book Easy for You to Say: Q and As for Teens Living With Chronic Illness or Disability, said it is particularly important for parents of disabled youth to discuss consent, not only because these children can be more physically vulnerable but also because they’ve gotten conflicting messages about bodily autonomy all their lives.

“We have trained, from birth practically, young people with disabilities and chronic health conditions to put up with things that in any other context would be considered abuse: medical procedures, painful procedures … being held down for procedures and being told not to yell and to co-operate,” said Kaufman. “We train these kids from a young age that it’s okay for these strangers in the health care system to have access to their bodies. … They’ve learned that they don’t really have ownership of their bodies.”

It’s always a fine tightrope for parents of kids with disabilities, Kaufman said, who are trying to protect their children while helping them develop positive self-image. “Most parents also want their children to grow up sexually healthy, to be able to have relationships and be happy in those relationships,” Kaufman said. “They don’t want to totally freak them out about sexuality, in terms of protecting them.”

At Holland Bloorview, Seko urged families of disabled youth to educate themselves on these issues, but also to listen to their kids’ questions and observations.

“They are the experts of their life, too,” Seko said.

Complete Article HERE!

Netflix’s ‘Special’ Brings Disability and Gay Sex to the Forefront

Ryan O’Connell, the show’s creator and star, discusses internalized ableism, the sex scene that was “his baby” and Grindr.

By Mathew Rodriguez

A simple matter of budget ended up making one of the most revolutionary queer stories on television. Ryan O’Connell, Will & Grace writer and author of the memoir I’m Special: And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves, was not attached to star in the show he’d write and create when he first pitched it. But O’Connell, who is gay and living with cerebral palsy, ended up being the cheapest option to star in the show and, thus, Special, which just dropped on Netflix, was born: a show created, written by, and starring a queer person living with a disability based on his own life story.

Disability representation is still pretty abysmal on television. According to GLAAD, though over 13% of Americans are living with a disability, only 2.1% of characters on primetime broadcast shows live with a disability — 18 characters in all. That’s actually the highest percentage GLAAD has recorded in its nine years of tracking, which hopefully points to an upward trend. But there’s still so far to go, and Special not only a pushes the meter in the right direction, it also addresses how queerness intersects..

It’s a point that people like deaf activist and model Nyle DiMarco has made again and again: there is not enough disabled representation when it comes to everything from children’s shows to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. In October, DiMarco posted an ad from the CW on his Twitter that touted the network’s commitment to racial, sexual, gender, and ethnic diversity but, as DiMarco pointed out, made no mention of disability representation.

Special doesn’t only put queer people on screen, it centers their interior lives and deals with a host of thorny, complicated issues — all while eliciting big laughs. In the show,  O’Connell plays Ryan Kayes, a 20-something gay guy living with cerebral palsy who gets a job working at a millennial-centered site called EggWoke. (O’Connell himself used to write for Thought Catalog, so take from that what you will.)

In only eight, 15-minute episodes, a first for Netflix, the show tackles internalized ableism, queer disabled sexuality, sex work, gay monogamy, the exploitation of marginalized stories, Instagays, and more. Out caught up with O’Connell ahead of the show’s debut to discuss the disability spectrum, why pool party scenes feel so universal, and whether he feels pressure to represent the entire disabled community in one show.

Spoiler alert: Several plot points of Netflix’s Special are discussed in this interview

Very early in the series, you have a scene talking to your trainer about being on Grindr.  Did you feel like you waited a longer time to go on apps than other gay men?

I definitely looked at the apps. I have had a boyfriend for four years and I’m still on the apps, honey, hello, welcome to the future. But back in my single days, I remember I was on Grindr and I was on Scruff, but I would rarely meet up with someone because I just had anxiety. Are they going to notice I have a limp? Am I doing false advertising? It was a tricky thing to navigate. Because I felt like my disability wasn’t pronounced enough to make a difference. I felt like warning them about a limp was overkill, but I didn’t want anyone to feel like they had been duped. I was on the apps, but it would take a bottle of wine for me to invite someone over.

I really loved a conversation that your character has on the show about being disabled, but not being “very disabled,” like, let’s say, someone who operates with a wheelchair. Obviously, your show is a major step forward for disability representation on TV, but do you feel pressure for the show to represent a large swath of the disabled community?

It’s a lot of pressure because there has not been that much representation of disability, let alone form actual disabled people. I do know intellectually that it’s truly impossible for my show to speak for an entire population of people. It just can’t happen. So I feel like I have to write something that’s authentic to my experiences. And I feel like as you get more specificity, you get more universal. Hopefully Special opens the door for more disabled voices to tell their stories. I can’t speak for an entire population of people.

I don’t know if you’ve watched Shrill on Hulu yet, but just like Special, there’s a pool scene where the main character is confronted with their own body. What do you think it is about a pool setting that can be so emotionally fraught?

Well, I think the setting of the pool party is very relatable. I feel like everyone at some point in their lives has been invited to a pool party and has felt anxiety over taking off their clothes in front of a group of strangers, or even friends. I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling very self conscious about my body, not feeling good enough. All of the feelings Ryan [has] in the pool party episode are things that you relate to. I don’t know if i’ve ever been invited to a gay pool party, [but the idea is] so deeply triggering. I think I’d feel self conscious, especially one full of Instagays because they have these conventional, beautiful bodies and that’s definitely not mine. You can’t help but compare yourself. “Compare and despair,” that’s what they say. It’s hard. The relationship to the body is always evolving. It really depends on the day. Some days I’m like, :I love my body! I’m body positive!” And other days I’m like, “I’m literally a goblin.”

Watching your show coincided with me watching Shrill and then there was also an episode on Comedy Central’s The Other Two about Instagays. It seems like Instagays are having their cultural send-up moment.

Totally. There’s just a lot to mine there. Let’s be honest. It’s just a very very funny subculture of people. I don’t know any Instagays personally. I don’t know what they do for a living. God bless, but yeah, The Other Two is so brilliant. I love that show. It’s so smart and so funny.

Your character also deals with a season-long arc of internalized ableism and keeps his disability a secret. You lived that experience, then wrote about it in your memoir and now for your show. What is it like to live that experience but then translate it to the screen and have to access those feelings again?

I really enjoyed it actually. Because I think when I wrote the book, I was so unevolved in my  feelings about my disability and the fact that I had been closeted about it for the past six years. While it was cathartic to write about it in my book, I felt I had only scratched the surface and had only begun to understand what I had done to myself. Talking about it in the show was an amazing opportunity because I’ve learned so much about myself and when I was closeted and how it fucked me up on such a deep level.

I didn’t even know about internalized ableism when I wrote the book. And if I knew what it was, I wouldn’t even know that I suffered from it. I was beginning to unpack what being closeted about disability had done to me, I was just not there yet. So doing it in the show was just amazing because I feel like I have grown so much and I understand things much better than I did back then.

In the show, your character goes on a date with another disabled person and you kinda exit stage right. Did you ever find that ableism had stopped you from dating other disabled people?

Yeah, that actually happened to me in high school. There was this really cute deaf gay guy in my high school and he asked me out on Myspace or something. I remember being so grossed out like, “Who does he think he is that he can ask me out on a date and I’d say yes?” Meanwhile, I’m drooling on myself and limping away like “How dare you!?” Like, “I date able-bodied people only please!”

I thought I was justified in feeling that way. I had no idea how fucked up I was in feeling that way. I think it’s so fascinating and specific to the disabled community. But I think it’s specific outside of the disabled community in a larger way with gay men. Sometimes you have internalized homophobia and sometimes someone reminds you of the things you don’t like about yourself and it causes you to reject them.

There’s a conversation in Hollywood right now about people from marginalized communities being able to play themselves on screen. Was it always the plan for you that you would star in Special?

No, never. There was no discussion. When we first went out to the pitch, I was not attached to star. There was no one attached to star. We would talk about “Who do we get to play me?” and initially we went out with the pitch and we went to Stage 13, a digital branch within Warner Bros., but out of financial necessity, it was like, “We have no money, Ryan is very cheap, so welcome to Hollywood, honey!” So I was forced to play myself.

I was so scared of it. I never wanted to act, but now having done it, I’m so glad and I can’t imagine anyone else doing it. Looking back on it, I like performing. I was in high school plays and middle school, but I feel like I never gave myself to really want that. I was ashamed about it, like “I’m just a writer, I’m behind the scenes in Studio City in a writer’s room and that’s my journey.” Now, I feel like I do like to perform and I do like to act and that’s OK.

I really loved the plotline where your character has a positive experience with a sex worker. How important was it to show that kind of interaction, between a person living with a disability and someone who does sex work?

Well, that scene was really really important to me. That sex scene was my baby. I have been really frustrated about the lack of representation of gay sex in film and TV. I don’t understand why anal sex has not been normalized or depicted for what it is. You get Queer as Folk, really porny, or you don’t get anything at all. So I knew when I was starting the season that I wanted to have an honest sex scene and I also had an experience with a sex worker that has been so amazing and I wanted to create a scene that was also pro-sex work.

I also wanted to make sure that Ryan losing his virginity was a nice, tender scene and that I was not traumatized. I felt that that was very important. When something is so common in your life and you don’t see it every in TV or film, I get really frustrated. I’m like, “Why is this so groundbreaking? This is something that tons of people experience!”

And the scene also actually featured lube, which gay sex scenes never feature lube!

Yeah, I think that was actually the addition of my gay producer. I think that was my producer being like, “He should definitely have lube!” Lube is obviously a very essential part of gay sex. Can’t leave home without it!

So, I’ve worked in digital media for a while and I see a lot of the same culture at EggWoke [the fictional site where Ryan works in Special] that I’ve seen in a lot of digital media. They want you to harvest your deepest, darkest parts of yourself for clicks. What advice would you give writers who are living with a disability or marginalized in any way who might be pressured to tell their stories when they’re not ready?

My advice is don’t do it. I know that when I started writing for the internet, I was in such a hungry, desperate place, that I was like, “I’ll write about anything! I have no boundaries! I need a career.” And then over time, like six months, I realized that that was not a place to be, emotionally prostituting yourself for two dollars. You have to really create boundaries and realize what you’re comfortable with. If you’re not ready, you have to say you’re not ready to talk about this. Do something else: sell your sperm, do foot fetish work. That has more integrity than exploiting yourself.

You also try to show the awkwardness that can happen when a disabled person and a non-disabled person try to have sex. What advice would give you non-disabled people who want to talk to someone with a disability on apps?

I don’t know if I’ve ever been in that position. I’m trying to think. I didn’t really date. I need to say that a million times. I was single for many, many years and I think it was because of scenarios like you just said. I was so fearful of talking about my disability. So, what I will say is through my coming out of the disability closet — usually no one cares about the things you care about as much as you do. When it comes to getting laid, in my experience, once you’re there, no one gives a shit. It’s just like, “Let’s do it!” So be comfortable and confident and if for whatever reason the person is not receptive, if anyone has some sort on unsavory reaction to your disability then say, “Goodbye and good luck with your fucking projects!”

Complete Article HERE!

Sex ed video for teens shatters myths about sexuality and disability

The internet has changed how kids learn about sex, but sex ed in the classroom still sucks. In Sex Ed 2.0, Mashable explores the state of sex ed and imagines a future where digital innovations are used to teach consent, sex positivity, respect, and responsibility.

By Rebecca Ruiz

Sex ed in the U.S. is often a hot mess. Teens regularly get medically inaccurate information, learn solely about abstinence, and hear only bad things about LGBTQ identity and sexuality.

Young people with disabilities can feel particularly invisible in classroom sex ed lessons, since the content typically doesn’t reflect their experience. Meanwhile, some teens may assume their peers with disabilities have no interest in sex or sexuality at all.

This new video from AMAZE, a YouTube sex ed series for adolescents and teens, takes on and then shatters the stereotypes and misconceptions about disability and sexuality.

The clip features a young character who uses a wheelchair and the pronouns they/them. They share with an inquisitive friend that yes, they are interested in dating, and yes, their “parts work just fine.” (It’s important to note that while the direct questions help start an educational dialogue in the video, young people shouldn’t similarly quiz their friends with disabilities.)

The candid conversation covers gender identity, sexual orientation, healthy relationships, and the specific challenges people with disabilities can face while trying to date. In just three short minutes, the video scores wins for representation, inclusion, and education.

Complete Article HERE!