Tag: Relationship Advice

Posted on

What You Need to Know About Being a BDSM Switch

It’s like a lil bit of dominant + a lil bit of submissive.

By Rachel Varina

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. This is where the whole dominant (sometimes called a “top”) and submissive (a “bottom”) dynamic comes into play.

“A top is simply someone who leads/guides the scene and the bottom is there to receive the experience,” explains Mistress Rogue, professional dominatrix and headmistress of The Dom House. (The dominant and submissive terms can also be used when there’s a power dynamic as well.)

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

And while you might be most familiar with what a dominant and submissive do, there’s another term you might not be as familiar with: a switch. Let’s dive deeper.

What is a BDSM switch?

A BDSM switch is someone who goes back and forth between dominating and being submissive, says Rogue. The dynamic change depends on the mood, circumstances, and the vibe between the partners, she adds.

And while the term is used commonly in the BDSM community, it’s important to note that switching—just like being dominant or submissive—isn’t always sexual. It’s merely about an exchange of power, which could be anything from doing chores to consensually ordering your partner around. What’s done in the bedroom is like an ~added~ bonus.

How do you know if you’re a switch?

If you’re wondering whether or not you’re a switch, the answer is actually pretty simple: Just think about what turns you on.

If sometimes you feel more eager to take control in the bedroom (e.g. riding your partner, tying them up, etc.), and other times the idea of your partner running the show (e.g. spanking you, tying you up, or just managing the positions) sounds better, there’s a good chance you’re a switch, says Rogue.

If you’re still unsure, chatting with your partner(s) can help you figure it out. “It’s about being honest with yourself and with your partners so that you both are receiving as much pleasure from the interaction as the other,” says Florida department of health sexual health educator, Jasmine Akins. “As long as you have partner communication and honesty, you should be able to self-identify.”

What are the perks of switching?

The most obvious perk of switching is having the opportunity to play in different ways with potentially different partners. Not only will it give you more chances for connection (and uh, orgasms), but it will also give you a more well-rounded perspective, which can make you an even better dominant or submissive.

“The best dominants often start as subs and then find their way up to being a top or a dom,” says Rogue. “In fact, this was how I became a dominatrix. I was introduced to BDSM by a dominant, and I learned and built skills knowing what I wanted as a bottom, so I could become a better dom.”

In addition to honing your skills, switching can also be majorly liberating in a mental sense. You can explore different head spaces and free yourself from playing the role you think you have to play during sex, says Akins. This can aid in communication, decrease boredom, and stimulate creativity.

Are there any downsides or risks?

The major concern with switching—other than becoming addicted to it, lol— is making sure everyone is continuously onboard and you’re practicing safely. “Being a switch means learning double safety information for BDSM practices. Keeping everything SSC (safe, sane and consensual) is vital,” she explains.

Any BDSM play can involve risks, which is why things like constant consent and safe words are integral. Partner communication is vital in any sexual situation, but especially if you’re adding some new kinks to the mix.

Finally, just like with any sort of sexual activity, reducing the risk of STI transmission is always essential. “You should be tested whenever you have a new partner, and if you’re in a monogamous relationship, I recommend testing at least once a year,” advises Akins. Utilizing barrier methods is a smart idea for some forms of BDSM play where penetration or fluid exchange is involved.

Now, here’s how to try switching for the first time

If you think you might like to switch up the power dynamics in the bedroom, don’t be afraid to explore those desires, even if they seem like a curveball in your relationship.

“The first step is being interested in it, so don’t feel like you have to be the BDSM king or queen the very first time,” says Akins. “Do your research and ask questions.”

Both experts agree: Educating yourself is key to a successful switch. And luckily, there are tons of resources out there to get you started—just don’t reach for Christan and Ana’s story as a guidebook.

And if your research leads you to believe switching might be for you, let your partner know. While it might seem hot to spring it on them mid-session, it’s actually important to talk things out ahead of time so you’re both on the same page.

Plus, you will need consent to test out a new dynamic. You never know what triggers someone might have, or what emotions might be stirred up within yourself, so communicating throughout (and checking in with yourself) is vital.

Then when it comes time to go at it, take things extra slow.

“If you’re a newbie, feel free to ease into it. You can start with a simple blindfold to heat things up. As you get more comfortable with the idea, you can expand your play options with yourself and with your partner,” suggests Akins.

“The [desire] may develop [or deteriorate] over time, and since this will probably be a pretty different experience for both of you, don’t expect to know right away whether you like the dynamic or not. “It’s okay to try new things, and it’s okay to absolutely adore them or hate them,” Akins says. “It’s your body, and you have the final say. Always.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sexual health during cancer treatment

Many patients don’t want to talk about sexual health while being treated for cancer — here’s why they should.

Changes in sexual health may not be top of mind when you’ve been diagnosed with cancer, but it might be more important than you expect. It’s important to talk to your health care providers about sexual health and cancer.

By: Sara Thompson

Cancer treatment and sexual health

Depending on the treatment you are given, sexual side effects range from mildly annoying to downright debilitating. For instance, hormone-blocking medications can cause vaginal dryness, which can lead to painful sex or lowered sex drive. Patients who have mastectomy (breast removal) may no longer have feeling in the chest area. Changes in body image affect sexual well-being. Young women may face infertility or early menopause with cancer treatments.

“This topic isn’t discussed enough,” said Laila S. Agrawal, M.D., medical oncologist with Norton Cancer Institute. “But sexual health affects your quality of life, and there are ways to address those issues.”

You’re not alone

Patients tend to feel their cancer diagnosis sets them apart from others. They may feel like their issues are theirs alone, but they’re not.

“Sexual health concerns are common issues for cancer survivors,” Dr. Agrawal said. “A Livestrong survey in 2010 listed this as the third most important issue for cancer survivors.”

Many times, patients also feel they shouldn’t discuss their sexual issues with their doctor. Patients may feel uncomfortable asking, or they may be afraid to make their doctors uncomfortable. They may believe sexual health issues are not as “important” as their physical cancer treatments and therefore may be reluctant to bring it up with the doctor.

Practical tips for today

Dr. Agrawal has some ideas to help you open the lines of communication with your doctor, care team and partner.

“It is understandable that this may a sensitive topic to discuss with your doctor,” she said. “Just know that this is a very common issue among cancer survivors, and medical treatments are available that may help.”

It may help to write down your questions before you see your doctor. Here are some questions to get you started.

  • Is there a risk of infertility with this treatment? What can I do about it?
  • Is it safe to have sex while I am going through chemotherapy? What precautions do we need to take?
  • Is it possible to get pregnant while on this treatment? Would there be any increased risks or negative effects on the baby?
  • What method to prevent pregnancy would be right for me?
  • Will this treatment have effects on sexual function?
  • Can anything be done about low interest in sex?
  • Can anything be done to help with my body image?
  • Sex has become painful. Is there anything that can help?
  • What is pelvic floor physical therapy, and would it be helpful for me?

Further resources

“In the near future, we hope to open a sexual health clinic at Norton Healthcare for a more comprehensive assessment and treatment program,” Dr. Agrawal said. “The behavioral oncology program can assist with issues that affect sexual functioning, including body image, libido, depression, anxiety and relationship concerns. Some conditions must be checked and treated by a gynecologist.”

Many sexual health concerns after cancer are very common and can be treated. Just like many things are not the same after a cancer diagnosis, your sex life may not be the same either. Having patience with yourself, having honest communication with your partner and looking at intimacy in new and creative ways can help restore a healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

16 Ways To Turn On A Sapiosexual

— aka The Brainy Person You’re Super Into

by Farrah Daniel

A sapiosexual is someone who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing. Like all types of sexualities, people’s personal definitions of sapiosexuality may vary, but what’s certain is people with this identity would rather be turned on by what they think is your most alluring feature: your mind. 

If you’re dating a sapiosexual person and want to learn how to turn them on, the first step is to know typical seduction attempts don’t work for them. Their idea of foreplay, for example, is to hear about your book collection. That means you have to charm them with a sharpened intellect as well as your witty banter, comparative thinking, and curiosity.

Here are 16 ways to create the intellectual synergy needed to fire up a relationship with a sapiosexual: 

1. Pay attention to their unique interests.

First and foremost, know that no two sapiosexuals are alike, says sex-positive counselor Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC: “Being attracted to intelligence or intellect does not mean the sapiosexual in your life will be turned on by everything that falls in the broad realm of ‘nerdy.'”

An easy way to seduce your sapiosexual is to get to know them for who they are. To do that, Sweet encourages you to peruse their bookshelf, social media feeds, or even their Netflix queue to learn the kinds of content that stimulate them. “Your first instinct may be to drop a hot game of Catan on the first date when, in fact, they’d be way more into chilling with an episode of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos,” Sweet tells mbg.

When you can show genuine enthusiasm or curiosity in their unique interests, sapiosexual people will be more inclined to let you in.

To achieve the type of intimacy your sapiosexual craves, take the onus off of physical touch and instead explore their sexuality verbally.

“The brain is the most powerful sex organ,” explains certified sex and relationship expert Emily Morse, Ph.D., “and for sapiosexuals, this mind-body connection is crucial when it comes to arousal.” That’s why deeply discussing both your sexual desires and where they come from “works well for sapiosexuals because the biggest turn on can be talking about your turn-ons.”

Be vivid as you describe how you’d like to play out some fantasies, as well as generous in your expressions of how they make you feel—you might be surprised to see your partner respond to this much more than a lap dance. (Here’s our full guide to dirty talk for a little inspo.)

As you discover each other’s sexual appetites, Morse recommends a Yes, No, Maybe? list to help you learn more about preferences. “For many sapiosexuals, it’ll provide enough verbal fodder and foreplay for days,” she remarks. Once couples figure out where they’re aligned, “they can spend time deep-diving into why they’re into what they are [and] developing extensive erotic road maps.”

3. Plan book club and library dates.

There’s a big chance your sapiosexual loves libraries and getting lost in the large, expansive aisles of endless knowledge. Participate in their interest, but spice it up and turn it into a library make-out tour. Visit different libraries in your town—or take a day trip to one in another city—and spend the afternoon perusing and analyzing the titles you like. And, of course, sneak some kisses between the bookshelves.

Another option is to start a book club. You can make an erotica-books-only rule to set an intimate tone, but the activity can feel just as sexy if you wax poetic about science or history books. The opportunity to watch you expand on your views and soundly argue differing opinions will be their favorite part of the evening.

4. Discover culture together.

Sapiosexual people are eager to learn new things. When you plan the next date night, certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, suggests you feed their curiosity and take them to an art gallery, museum, or any kind of cultural center that provokes enlightening discourse. “Bringing a sapiosexual to a space that provides the opportunity to learn can be incredibly attractive [to them],” she says.

In addition to that, exploring these spaces together gives you a chance to understand each other’s interests. Sapiosexuals want to connect with their lovers by exchanging knowledge and philosophical beliefs, so they’ll relish the chance to swap opinions about anything new you learn together.

Yes, sapiosexuals are attracted to intelligence, but they don’t expect you to know everything. No one can live up to that standard (not even them), so don’t feel pressured to awe this person with your ability to keep up with every topic. Instead, tell them when you’re clueless.

After all, true intellectuals can admit when they don’t know something, and your partner might be impressed with your humility. According to Sweet, they certainly won’t be turned on by your attempt to know it all: “Performative intelligence will fall flat and likely turn your beloved sapiosexual right off.”

On your next date, be honest when you don’t know something. Your eagerness to learn more will be sure to turn on a sapiosexual, as well as the ability to flex their brain muscles on a topic they love.

6. Have a game night (but with a twist).

“Play Strip Scrabble, and you’ll find you’ve never worked harder or been more turned on by a triple-word score,” Morse attests. In this steamy version of the game, whoever has fewer points by the end will be naked first, but Morse notes that everyone wins in this version of the game.

You can try this with a game of your sapiosexual’s favorite trivia categories, too: Choose a certain number of clothing items for each player to wear, and then play as you typically would. When someone earns a point, they get to pick one piece of clothing for the other player to remove. Keep playing until the game is over, or when everyone’s as naked as they’re comfortable being.

An adult spin works for most intellectual board and card games, so try this with one of your choosing. However, you can also skip them entirely: Stroke your sapiosexual’s brain with a fiery game of debate. Not only will they be sexually attracted to your ability to eloquently express your perspective about a complex subject, but they won’t be able to resist the sight of you respectfully arguing your points. (Feel free to spice this game up with a strip-twist, too.)

Sweet recommends you find interests that intersect, then get creative to create an intimate evening that fires up your minds and bodies.

Are you both fans of Alan Watts, for instance? Plan a Watts-themed date night. “Write down some of your favorite quotes, and fold them into origami for your sapiosexual lover to open,” she suggests, mentioning a reminder to omit any typos or incorrect grammar. If it’s something they’re comfortable with, you can role-play, too: Sweet says to role-play as if you’re Watts leading a class. As you read his lectures aloud, pretend your lover is a sexy, brilliant student in the back of the class.

“Use your imagination, get creative, and go deeper,” urges Sweet. “Sapiosexuals love that!”

8. “Are you up?” instead of “U up?”

Expressions of intelligence are sure to gain the attraction of a sapiosexual. One way to show off your intellect is to ensure your verbal and communication skills match theirs. When you chat on social media, text or talk on the phone, or sit across from them at a coffee shop, the sapiosexual you want to woo will admire your ability to adhere to proper spelling and grammar rules in your communication.

Sapiosexuals are turned on by the thought of their lover being well read and well spoken—so before you send off your next text to them, triple-check your spelling and fact-check your argument.

The sapiosexual you desire wants to hear you talk about topics you’re knowledgeable in. “It’s often the authentic expression of someone else’s intelligence that is so intriguing and arousing to people who identify as sapiosexual,” Sweet points out. “If you’re really passionate about a topic, show your passion while you discuss it.”

Whether it’s your robotics hobby, your favorite French literature, or your interest in cosmic exploration, give them more insight into who you are, and speak vigorously about what excites you. Your expertise will arouse your sapiosexual, especially since you can teach them something new in the process.

Sweet says she can attest to this: “I remember being so hot for my 73-year-old sociology professor when I was a 20-year-old undergrad because he was completely passionate about what he was teaching.”

10. Documentary and chill.

Dinner and a movie is a classic date-night option for all couples—for sapiosexuals, however, the latest rom-com or book-adapted thriller may not live up to their standard of intriguing and examinable cinema.

Rather than a mainstream movie, watch a documentary from your couch or theirs, or buy tickets to the showing in town when a film festival rolls around. Sapiosexuals want to be captivated by the exchange of abstract thought, so don’t forget to hold a discussion after the documentary and compel them with your worldly views.

Sapiosexuals are people who want to explore attraction through philosophical questions, such as, “What’s the meaning of life?” “Do you believe in fate?” or “How does one attain happiness?”

“Intellectual conversation, exploration, and gaining perspective are all qualities that contribute to a sapiosexual’s level of attraction and connection,” Herzog tells mbg. Talking about what you do for a living and where you grew up are important, but a sapiosexual would rather know more about your insights and philosophies. “Plus, exploring questions like these really allows two people to get to know each other on a more meaningful level.”

12. Write a short story together.

If the sapiosexual in your life is a storyteller, ask if they want to pen a short story with you. Like the book club, you can dare to write an erotica story that makes you both sweat, but that’s not the only way to excite them during this activity. Since intelligence dazzles sapiosexuals, it’ll be a turn-on when you partake and do well at something that stimulates them. Feelings of desire toward you are sure to stir up as you adequately engage their intellect and create the art they feel passionate about.

Sweet explains that people who identify as sapiosexual value the mind over the physical and material—in that case, bring your “oral skills” to their level and read works of interest to your loved one. Whether you read Anais Nin’s classic erotica, 17th-century poetry, or a technical manual, Morse says when you read them a book, you’ll “stoke the sexual and intellectual requirements for many sapiosexuals.”

As you read, slowly pronounce and deliver your words to entice your partner to hang on to each one. “This is the sapiosexual equivalent of slowly undressing with your eyes,” emphasizes Morse. To send them over the edge, clearly articulate your words. And according to Sweet, you should be mindful of syntax, cadence, or rhythms that apply to the work at hand. If you succeed, she says, one set of oral skills may lead to another.

14. Pretend-host a podcast episode.

What is your sapiosexual’s favorite podcast? There may be a few, but learn one and listen to several episodes to familiarize yourself with the subject matter. Once you feel confident in your ability to hold your own in a discussion, plan to spend the next date night play-hosting an episode of your own.

All you need to do is download a free app to record the show, then decide which episode to put your spin on, or which topics to cover for the first time in the same style as the podcast show hosts. Remember this doesn’t have to be perfect; what matters is they’ll be touched you went out of your way to indulge their pastime.

The most important thing about the activity to explore taboo subjects together is to do so respectfully. It’s easy to get riled up in response to views that oppose yours, but no matter whether it’s religion or politics, “a sapiosexual will want to explore the depths of these topics,” notes Herzog. She also mentions these taboo subjects are not only incredibly explorative but also imperative to be honest about.

Face these controversial conversations, and let your lover get to know you on a more profound level—Herzog says your sapiosexual will love to dissect your perspective “and the different concepts that deeply shape who you are.”

16. Learn a new skill together.

Impress the sapiosexual you want to turn on and commit to a long-term activity you can do together. Learn a new language or complete a DIY project—either way, their attraction will grow as they observe you building something from scratch or witness your aptitude to learn quickly. Afternoons in the shed can easily result in you two in bed. 

However you choose to turn on a sapiosexual, the key is to lead with your brain and not your body. Like most people, sapiosexuals appreciate good looks, but it’s not what keeps them.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

6 Signs You Might Have Sexual Shame

—and How To Overcome It

By Morgan Mandriota

I recently uncovered, in therapy, that I have a shame-based fear of having casual sex; I’ve breathed in toxic sex-shaming messaging from a young age, dating back to middle school, when my dad and I had “the talk.” He walked into my bedroom, told me not to let boys get in my pants, then left. The message I received—and shame that came with it—has continued to define my sexual identity and has taken a heavy toll on my romantic and sexual relationships ever since.

“We pick up sexual shame from the world around us, beginning with the messages we receive as children from our parents, communities, churches, society, and culture,” says Erica Smith, sex educator and founder of the Purity Culture Dropout Program. A lot of the messaging may not even be overt or direct, though. “Most of us have internalized shame just from growing up in a culture that believes deeply that sex, our bodies, and our sex parts are bad,” says relationship and sex therapist Andrew Aaron, LICSW. “What makes the shame so insidious is that people are unaware of their shame: They don’t see it, identify it, or talk about it.”

Because sexual shame can fly so far under the radar, many may not realize how it can stand in the way of confidence, intimacy, and establishing healthy relationships with partners, sex, and self-pleasure. That’s why identifying the common thoughts, feelings, and behavioral patterns associated with sexual shame is the first step to overcoming it. Below, find six telltale signs of sexual shame and then learn how to overcome it.

6 signs of sexual shame, according to sex experts

1. Insecurity with the self

Sexual shame often manifests as a disconnection from the self, says Megwyn White, sexologist, licensed sex coach, and director of education at sexual-wellness product brand Satisfyer. “One of the key components to sexual shame is a break in the natural flow of personal expression and experience of the body,” she says. According to research, people who identify as women and who are not comfortable with the appearance of their genitals may experience a flood of intense self-judgment after sex or self-consciousness or body insecurity during sex.

2. A certain physical stature or diminished voice

Sexual shame can also present in how we carry ourselves. For example, maybe you frequently cross your arms, hunch your shoulders, slouch, or struggle to make or hold eye contact with partners. “The voice may also be affected in that there is a general inhibition to make sound during sexual exploration,” says White, who adds feeling uncomfortable expressing desires and needs during sex is a sign of shame as well.

3. Sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction

Sexual response typically reflects sexual energy (or arousal) that flows freely. “When shame is present, it constitutes a closed state in which sexual energy cannot flow to produce arousal, excitement, or orgasm,” says Aaron. Correlation is not causation, though, which is to say that lack of arousal does not mean shame is definitely present. Smith adds that shame can make communicating with sexual partners difficult, which can, in turn, make sex less pleasureful.

4. Trouble with intimacy and relationships

“Shame is expressed through avoidance or being shut down and inhibited. Each of these responses is a form of distancing from the action or activity,” says Aaron. In this way, shame can lead you to forms walls, limits, and boundaries that may make relationships feel less secure and intimate. “I’ve worked with folks who avoided dating for years because they were terrified of what would happen if they got close enough to someone to become sexually intimate,” says Smith.

5. Viewing sex as “bad” or something that you “shouldn’t do”

“Some experience deep feelings of regret and shame immediately after any sexual encounter,” says Smith, who notes she has worked with women who bought vibrators in an attempt to masturbate, then threw them away after being overcome with shame.

“The shaming of masturbation is damaging because as children, masturbation is our first method to connect with our genitals and sexual pleasure,” says Aaron. “When masturbation is forbidden, the training from young is to view our genitals, sexuality, and sexual pleasure as shameful.” Yes, sexual shame starts that young.

6. You’re uncomfortable talking about sex

Some people feel nervous, or a deep burning embarrassment, when the topic of sex comes up, which Smith says is a sign of sexual shame. The typical response to shame is hiding it, but that’s the same way shame grows. “It’s also why being able to admit to what you’re ashamed of is the first step in overcoming it,” says White. “Once sexual shame is in the light, it can dissolve more easily.”

The benefits of overcoming sexual shame—and how to do it

The benefits of confronting and releasing sexual shame start with pleasure. “A person is able to experience sexual response, get beyond sexual dysfunction, and perhaps the experience of high arousal and orgasm where that was inhibited prior,” says Aaron. And according to Smith, these benefits may yield more confidence and self-esteem that can give way to more effective communication with partners, better solo or partnered sex, and a newfound interest in kink, sex toys, casual sex relationships, or polyamory, or perhaps the realization that you have a different sexual or gender identity.

When you’re ready to uproot and release sexual shame, Smith says the first step is to remove yourself from the source and then—whether that source is a friend, parent, media outlet or otherwise—to set boundaries and heal. Therapy, sensual self-care, and masturbation can all help, as can educating yourself with books (check out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, Pussy, a Reclamation by Regina Thomashauer, and Sex for One by Betty Dodson).

Also keep in mind that in the early stages of processing shame, things can sometimes feel worse before they get better. “This is a natural part of the process and needs to be honored with a great deal of compassion,” says White. “We don’t want to ‘shame the shame,’ if you know what I mean.” Ultimately, sexual shame is nothing to be ashamed about—there are many ways to explore releasing it, and no one way is the right way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

6 Kinky Dating Apps to Download If BDSM Is Your Thing

Because being sexually adventurous = totally healthy and normal.

By Anni Irish

A kink is broadly defined as an act or desire that falls outside of the widely accepted normative ideas of vanilla sexual practices—everything from choking, to BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominate/submissive, sadomasochism/masochism), to cuckolding, foot fetishes, water sports, bondage, and more.

And as you can see, there are tonnns of elements that fall within its sexual realm.

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

But even though nearly 61 percent of Cosmo readers say they’ve dabbled in some form of BDSM play, there still remains some societal stigma and shame for wanting to be adventurous in and out of the bedroom.

This is exactly what we don’t want, fam. Because being sexually adventurous (in whatever way that means to you) is completely healthy and normal. In fact, it’s highly encouraged in an effort to prioritize your pleasure and what feels good to you.

So if you’re looking to expand your sexual taste—or just see what is out there— sometimes turning to a dating app is the best and easiest way to explore. And whether you’re just looking to spice up your online dating game or you’re fully a master in BDSM practices already, here are six kinky apps to help jump-start your experience.

Just remember, in all forms of sexual contact (kink or vanilla), consent it is always mandatory. Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must.

1. FetLife

When it comes to exploring BDSM and kink in general, FetLife is the go-to for these kinds of activities. (The Canadian-based company literally describes itself as being like “Facebook but run by kinksters.”)

Similarly to other social media platforms, users can create profiles, interact and “Friend” other members, post pics, vids, status updates, and join more specific groups based on sexual interests and kinks. Trust me when I say the free website really allows you to cater your kink experience and find exactly what you want—whatever that may be.

Download here

2. Kinkoo

If you’re looking for a dating app more fetish-specific (think: feet, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.), Kinkoo may be the best one for you. In your profile, you can indicate what you’re looking for and how you’d describe yourself, like, say, if you are more of a submissive or dominant. Match with people all around the world for free or upgrade to the VIP membership for $16 per month.

Download here

3. Whiplr

Okay, so the app is pretty clever—I mean, its name doesn’t exactly disguise what the app is intended for, lol. But once you sign up, users are free to choose from a list of over 230 kinks (230!) to add to their profile. The free app also features a chat, video, and call component, similarly to what you may experience on a more mainstream dating app. Use it to find a virtual playmate or to chat it up with other kinksters across the globe.

Download here

4. Kink D

Another app geared toward the fetish community, Kink D is a super sex-positive space for those looking to explore. Whether you’re into BDSM, foot fetishes, or whatever else, odds are, you’ll find a willing partner here. It’s free to download, has a super user-friendly interface, and can help you connect with singles all over.

Download here

5. Kinki

Kinki prides themselves on being super inclusive, especially for folks apart of the LGBTQ+ community. The app, which costs $12 per month, gives you a range of options to pick from in terms of both fetishes and what you’re looking for (whether it be long-term, short-term, or just a hookup.) It also authenticates people’s accounts, gives you filters to search by location, and allows you to Like photos of people as well.

Unfortunately it’s not in U.S. markets quite yet, so this one’s for all of you outside the states.

Download here

6. Feeld

This platform offers a tonnnn of options for gender identity and sexual orientation. And while Feeld has gotten some buzz primarily for those interested in threesomes, it’s also super friendly to those in polyamorous relationships or looking to explore a more kink-friendly lifestyle. If you’re into just dipping a toe into the BDSM waters, this free app is a great sex-positive place to get started.

Download here

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why is female sexual pleasure still a taboo?

Coco de Mer CEO Lucy Litwack gets to the roots of why we still don’t feel comfortable talking about female masturbation and orgasm


By Lucy Litwack

From art to culture, education to pornography, the female perspective on pleasure in all its forms is little discussed or truly understood. And yet, from general happiness and confidence, to deepening and nurturing our relationships – and a fundamental appreciation of ​ourselves – ​knowing and owning female pleasure and sensuality can be life-changing.

It’s one of the true gifts of being a woman. Our capacity to experience it is innate, universal and human – and it’s never too late to start exploring its extraordinary possibilities. It’s why, through Coco de Mer, I wanted to create a Home of Pleasure – a safe place to discover its potential; with a brand built by and run by women for women. I believe that pleasure done well fires all the senses; that sight, sound, taste, touch and smell are a system greater than the sum of their parts – and as women, we need the opportunities to explore fully the fun, joy and endless possibilities of our sexuality.

The expression of female pleasure is often criticised or scandalised

In conversations around pleasure, men are seemingly always confident in their voices. They have been taught about pleasure through formal education, the media, and society as a whole for their entire lives, while female pleasure is rarely acknowledged. Even language shows a male bias with a lack of a female equivalent for the word virility. Instead, the expression of female pleasure is often criticised, or scandalised, while the male counterpart is regarded, simply, as a fact of life. Is female pleasure the last real taboo in our society and what is to blame?

Democratic access to, and use of, technology is bringing new challenges that historically did not exist. This impact of access to pornography and other content demands new educational approaches. I believe that this rise in online pornography and the subsequent lack of relevant sex education in schools is a big contributor to the issue. Children of all ages have access to online pornography and other sexually related content in a way that past generations did not – and children are being exposed to this content at increasingly younger ages. The​ ​impact of highly sexualised content, including porn, is that young people, could mirror porn-typified roles during intercourse, instead of more balanced sexual gender-dynamics. Few could argue that the majority of porn offers a skewed, unrealistic and often damaging view of sex.

The benefit of a good sexual education goes way beyond classic birth rate statistics. It has been proven to lead to more healthy gender dynamics, less domestic violence, increased sexual health and well-being, and less depression. It needs to be taught that intimacy is about pleasure and communication, not just sex.

Intimacy is about pleasure and communication, not just sex

For an adult who can distinguish between fantasy and reality, pornography can be a pleasurable addition to their sexual life. However, nowadays as many children learn about sex through pornography ,it can lead to situations which are neither safe nor pleasurable. As the majority of pornography is focused on male desire, it can lead boys and girls to underestimate the importance of female pleasure. Girls assume the focus of sex should be on the boy’s desires – and boys are highly under-informed regarding young women’s sexual needs.

This lack of respect for women’s pleasure puts women at a disadvantage in other aspects of life. We’ve raised a generation of girls to have a voice and take control, to expect equality in other aspects of their life – both at home and at the office. Now it’s time to demand the same equality in our personal lives and in the bedroom.

Female pleasure is integral to female empowerment and I have seen the hugely positive impact it can have. When a woman is allowed to explore her desires and embrace the complexity of sexual pleasure in an environment that is welcoming, empowering and indulgent (and without fear of being judged) it can hugely boost a woman’s confidence and, at the same time, lead to a more equal relationship with men.

This lack of education around female pleasure is leading to an increasingly large orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships. The lack of conversation around female masturbation means that women are also less likely to orgasm alone. The complete opposite is the case for men – this isn’t only an accepted practice but something that entire movies have used for comedic value! While there has been a recorded increase in women buying sex toys and exploring their fantasies, we can’t disregard that many still assume needing lubricant is a personal failure, not reaching orgasm from penetration is something to be ashamed of, and pain during sex is normal.

It’s time to demand the same equality in our personal lives and in the bedroom.

The nature of female pleasure is complex and changes through the various stages of a woman’s life from puberty to adulthood, pregnancy, and menopause; and yet, like masturbation and periods, menopause is something that women so rarely discuss. Despite the fact that over half of the population will go through the menopause and all its associated issues during their lifetime, doctors only have three hours training on the topic during medical school. It has been around for thousands of years – the Greeks first named it – and yet it is still a societal taboo. Rather than thinking of ageing as a negative for a woman (the cliché of a silver fox and a cougar), we should be realising the potential for sex to improve hugely asa woman gains experience and confidence. This lack of communication combined with inadequate education isn’t just causing an absence of satisfaction for women but is actively impacting their mental and physical health. We need to combat the harm being done to women by a society that provides so little support.

We need to give female pleasure the platform that it is so often lacking in the media and in educational spaces. Only through representation can conversations be had that inform women and allow them to accept that pleasure by nature is ever-changing and untamed and should be embraced – imperfections included. This is a huge part of my mission.

At Coco de Mer, we hope to create a space for conversation and education through frank contributions to wider conversations, evenings of education, selection of products centered on female pleasure. It is this self acceptance, the sense of fulfillment, and the confidence, joy, and improved health that comes with education and uninhibited explorations of pleasure that I want to deliver to women. Pleasure and sexual fulfillment shouldn’t be regarded as luxuries; more women need to regard their own sexual satisfaction as a necessity.

How to harness your sexual pleasure:

Think about what sexual empowerment means to you

Is it about more orgasms? Is it about self-confidence? Is it uninhibited exploration? Only you can define what pleasure means for you so take the time to think about what it is that you want. Make a list of the things that bring you pleasure; set your sights on something you want to experience; take an erotic education class, or read a book that could offer you new insights into your desires. Set your own goals, be it trying something new, honing your orgasmic experiences, or even just being more open with your partner. Don’t be scared of being judged, or worry about being embarrassed. Insecurities can block pleasure, but confidence and desire is sexy so embrace the complexity of sexual pleasure.

Have the talk; communication is key

The number one way to get what you want is to ask for it – both in and out of the bedroom. That may be working out what you want from yourself and your own relationship with pleasure or what you need from a partner. Be honest but also try to focus on the positives – what you DO want rather than what you don’t. Look at areas of your personal pleasure journey you would like to expand – that could be exploring fantasies, trying new things, or even just taking more time to dedicate to yourself. Not sure how to start up the conversation with a partner? Try working it into your pillow talk or foreplay when you’re both relaxed and open, and ask plenty of questions.

Invest in self-pleasure

It can be hard to tell someone what you need when you are not even sure yourself. Investing in a sex toy can be a great way to experiment with sensations and understand your own desires and what gives you pleasure. Knowing what works for you is a great starting point for you and a partner to expand your sexual boundaries and explore new sensations together. When masturbating, 95% of women reach orgasm more consistently and faster, and by introducing toys to your regular sexual activity you can see a real difference in your level of satisfaction. Loving yourself is the first step to a happy and satisfying relationship with a partner.

Explore sensations beyond your routine

In the pursuit of pleasure there can be a huge benefit to trying something new. Start small, where you feel comfortable, and then grow with it at the pace that is right for you. Perhaps start with wearing lingerie that increases your feelings of power and confidence. Try exploring sensation play and pushing boundaries to discover things that ignite passion for you – this could be introducing soft bondage such as silk blindfolds, feather ticklers or restraints, or incorporating taste and smell to excite. When you lose one sense, the others are heightened – so lightly stroking the body with a soft feather tickler while your eyes are covered with a silk blindfold can be very pleasurable.

Have fun!

It is important to remember that the serious “perfect” sex we see on screens or read about in erotic novels isn’t real. Real pleasure is messy, it can be silly and lighthearted and even a little embarrassing at times. What is important is keeping your sights on real experiences and your authentic state of being. Make sure you laugh things off and let things go when they don’t go exactly to plan. It’s ok to be imperfect. Pleasure is good for you – enjoy yourself!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Vaginismus: the common condition leading to painful sex

By

The social and cultural messages we receive around sex give the impression everyone’s “doing it” and it’s always fun and enjoyable. But for many people, having sexual intercourse is extremely painful or impossible. One of the leading causes of painful sex is vaginismus.

Vaginismus is an extremely common condition, that can have a huge impact on women, their partners and relationships. Yet many with it feel alone and without hope as it’s rarely talked about.

But women don’t need to live with it — it’s easy to diagnose and it’s treatable.

Painful sex

Australian research shows about 20% of women and 2% of men experience painful sex.

Male sexual problems, such as erectile dysfunction, have been in the public awareness since the advent of “the little blue pill” — Viagra. But sexual difficulties in women are missing from the story.

Without the push of pharmaceutical industries, awareness and knowledge about sexual difficulties in women (or people with vaginas who don’t identify as women) has not advanced in the same way as it has for men.

A recent study, which is not yet published, found, in 2019 57% of female patients who attended the Sexual Medicine and Therapy clinic (Monash Health) attended because of painful sex. 60% of them had Vaginismus. Almost half of these women had experienced this for more than five years, and it had occurred in around one in five of these women for ten or more years.

What is vaginismus?

Vaginismus occurs when someone has persistent or recurrent difficulties in allowing vaginal entry of a penis, finger or any object, despite her wish to do so.

Some women experience fear, difficulties or pain from the first time they try to insert something into their vagina and instead of getting better, it can get worse over time. This is called “primary vaginismus”.

Others can be fine for years and develop pain at some later date. This is “secondary vaginismus”.

Vaginismus can be mild, moderate or severe. The pain is often described as burning, cramping, or a tight feeling. And for some, nothing can go into the vagina. Sufferers describe it as like hitting a brick wall.

The impact of vaginismus

Those with undiagnosed vaginismus can feel embarrassed or abnormal which can deter them from seeking help. And undiagnosed vaginismus can significantly impact self-esteem, and lead to anxiety or depression.

Those with vaginismus may avoid being sexual, as it can be a very painful experience. They also may avoid any intimacy for fear that it may lead to “sex”. This can significantly impact relationships, leading to distance and conflict.

Couple fighting in bed.
Women with vaginismus may avoid any intimacy for fear it may lead to painful sex. This can significantly impact relationships leading to distance and conflict.Shutterstock

It can also inhibit single people from forming relationships. They may avoid socialising, dating and meeting new partners, feeling burdened with a “shameful secret”.

Causes

When it comes to sex (and life), you can’t separate the mind and the body. Vaginismus is no exception. Underlying causes are extremely variable and often influenced by multiple factors.

Sometimes there is no obvious cause, but common factors in the development of primary vaginismus include:

  • fear or anxiety: about pain, pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Generalised anxiety or other anxiety disorders can also cause vaginismus
  • taboos: cultural or religious taboos around sex, or inner conflict about whether to be sexual or not
  • unaroused sex: having sex when you don’t really want to
  • history of abuse: a history of physical, emotional or sexual trauma or abuse
  • unrealistic expectations: of sex leading to fear of not being “good enough”.

Secondary vaginismus can occur due to any of the above or after anything that leads to painful sex, such as:

  • relationship problems: leading to lack of libido or arousal
  • infections or skin problems: vaginal infections, such as thrush and vulval dermatological (skin) problems or Vulvodynia can cause vaginismus
  • gynaecological problems: such as endometriosis, gynaecological (or breast) cancer and it’s treatment or pelvic surgery
  • pregnancy: vaginismus can occur after pregnancy, delivery or as a new parent.

A normal reaction to any anxiety and fear is a tightening of muscles, and vaginismus occurs when this happens in the pelvic floor muscles. A strong pelvic floor is important, but we also need to learn how to relax it, when we want to.

Diagnosis

Vaginismus can usually be diagnosed by taking a careful history and looking at which factors may be causing it.

Women sitting on bed speaking with a doctor.
A physical examination is important for anyone experiencing painful sex, so no other contributing physical conditions are missed.Shutterstock

Those who suspect they may have vaginismus should initially seek help from GPs, gynaecologists, pelvic floor physiotherapists, sexologists or psychotherapists who have experience with this condition.

Medical professionals who are experienced in treating the condition will do an examination in a gentle, empowering way, only when the woman is ready to, so she is not distressed or traumatised in any way.

Treatment

Women should be reassured tightness in the pelvic floor is an involuntary, protective response they can learn to overcome, with help.

A multidisciplinary approach of management has been shown to be most effective, this includes:

  • education about vaginismus, the pelvic floor and sex
  • medical management of any underlying physical conditions
  • psychological management of any underlying worries
  • pelvic floor physiotherapy can help women learn how to relax, generally and in the pelvic floor
  • learning about what is pleasurable, as unaroused sex is a common cause of painful sex.

Woman should also be empowered to feel free to choose if, when and how to be sexual. Many women are either coerced into sex or are compliant for the sake of their partner’s needs.

They need to be supported to recognise and express their own needs and wishes. Although women can continue to be sexual in any way they wish, it’s vital to stop doing anything that hurts, such as continuing to try to have penetrative sex, while vaginismus is being treated.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How a New Wave of Inclusive Sexual Wellness Products Ensures Pleasure Is for All

By Mary Grace Garis

Sexual wellness brand Cake was founded in June with two guiding intentions in mind. The first is that, like Cake’s frosted namesake, sex is something to be enjoyed guilt-free. And the second is that, by creating specialized, high-quality products that are accessible to all genders, sexual preferences, and relationship structures, the pleasure market could be a more inclusive place.

To be sure, there’s a lot of work to be done regarding inclusivity in the sexual wellness industry, specifically in the way products are marketed. “As a gay man, I knew how beneficial lubricants were, but there just weren’t any on the market that stood out as the best [for me],” says Cake co-founder and CMO Mitch Orkis. “As a straight man, Hunter [Morris, Cake’s co-founder] knew about lubricants, but often found the many offerings and strange ingredients confusing. As we began to ask others about their sex life and preferences, it became clear that there was an opportunity to offer something better.”

Cake’s lubricants are geared toward different sexual activities, rather than just a “his/hers” approach. This not only validates varying identities, but also acknowledges a range of preferences and experiences in a way that maximizes pleasure for all. “Someone trying butt play for the first time should not reach for the traditional lube they use for penis or vaginal play, and those who use toys will want specially formulated ‘non-drip’ lube to avoid unwanted messes,” Orkis says. “The ‘Aloe’ lubricant is organic, including quinoa and oat extract, and aloe-based for vagina play, whereas the ‘Backside Slide’ product includes non-absorbing, long-lasting silicone ingredients ideal for anal play.”

And that specificity matters. While it’s great that, on a cultural level, the understanding of sex is expanding beyond a heteronormative, monogamous, P-in-V approach, there’s still room for growth. The next phase of making pleasure accessible to all people focuses on the growth of inclusive sexual wellness products, like Cake’s, so everyone’s specific needs can be recognized and celebrated.

The current problem with labels and oppressive language in pleasure products

My first encounter with personal lubricant was with a “his/hers” two-pack I snagged from a drugstore shelf. The not-so-subtle messaging of this product? There are two genders, and they are the only ones that can please each other. The packaging and marketing conveys that there’s no space for solo play, for same-sex loving, for people who don’t subscribe to the gender binary. Unfortunately, the “For Her Pleasure,” “For His Pleasure” dichotomy remains rampant and is certainly not limited to drugstore brands.

Take the beloved Sliquid Sassy lube for example: A quick peek at the hot pink bottle immediately signals to me that it’s for those who identify as women, and the vaginal-looking flowers with the “women” symbol on the label really drive that point home. This needlessly genders the product, leaving trans, genderqueer, non-binary folks entirely out of the conversation.

And remember, identifying as a woman and having a vagina aren’t the same thing. That why Alexandra Fine, CEO and co-founder of pleasure-product company Dame Products and Well+Good Changemaker, notes how important it is for products and brands to be mindful of the differences between sex and gender (sex refers to a biological genitalia, whereas gender refers to how a person identifies). Accordingly, Dame’s products cater to those who are “vulva-havers,” not women. “Especially when talking about sex products, clearly communicating which body part a product was designed for helps us to best share how to use the product in the most pleasurable and safe way possible,” says Fine. “By using this language, we aim to make all people with that body part feel seen and welcomed into our Dame family, no matter their gender identity.”

“Especially when talking about sex products, clearly communicating which body part a product was designed for helps us to best share how to use the product in the most pleasurable and safe way possible.” —Alexandra Fine, CEO, Dame Products

Since sex toys are for all bodies—just used differently for different bodies—the packaging needs to reflect that reality. When we gender pleasure products and, by proxy, people, it can harm someone’s mental health as well as their sexual health.

“Psychologically, it can cause folks to distrust and discount their own feelings and desires, which, over time, can lead to folks struggling in many other ways sexually,” says sex educator and trauma specialist Jimanekia Eborn, who adds that gendering people who are keen to explore new sexual possibilities does them a disservice and can make them doubt themselves.

And as Step Tranovich, creator of sex-positive toy brand Cute Little Fuckers, points out, people of all identities and sexualities enjoy sex—and product offerings need to reflect that. “It’s time for inclusivity, time to make toys that don’t just make people’s bodies feel good, but also to make people feel good about who they are,” they say. Cute Little Fuckers aims to do just that with its language and design. The toys are shaped like aquatic monsters (Starsi, $79, is a starfish-shaped vibrator), and the brand even has a companion comic strip where the CLFs go exploring. Injecting a sense of playfulness can help bring an arms-wide-open approach to sexuality.

In addition to a product’s appearance and language choice, the sexual-wellness products can be more inclusive by offering education as a facet of the brand. Kiana Reeves, chief brand educator at sexual wellness company Foria Wellness, says education and storytelling are crucial to the brand’s ethos (it offers sexual health information via its on-site blog).

“One of our main focuses is making sure our language and visuals are inclusive and represent a range in age, body, gender identity, race, and sexual orientation, especially when it comes to our intimacy products,” says Reeves. “Most of our intimacy line was developed for people with vulvas, some of whom identify as women, and some who don’t. We’re careful with our language not to encourage gender binary or heteronormative narratives.”

How can sexual-wellness brands be more inclusive?

According to Eborn, brands need to listen to consumers—their needs, their desires, their voices percolating in comments sections. There’s also a powerful need for companies to not only reflect diverse identities, but be composed of diverse individuals.

“Hire folks that are not white, cis, and hetero to work for the companies, not just because you want them to fill a spot on a checklist, but because your company genuinely wants to be better and grow and supports all humans,” says Eborn. These are the leadership moves that can help democratize sexual pleasure, which is key.

By exercising specificity in language, amplifying diverse voices and visuals, employing people of all identities, and just giving a damn about providing access to pleasure for all people, brands can be more inclusive. “[A brand’s] responsibility is to show up and respect the consumer. Create things for the consumer, and not just the consumers that look like you,” says Eborn.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A Beginner’s Guide to Spanking Therapy

by Gabrielle Kassel

Erotic. Painful. Punitive. These are some of the ways you might describe a good ol’ bum whooping. But therapeutic? Well, that’s the idea behind spanking therapy.

Below, two kink educators explain WTH spanking therapy entails and why people are into it.

While it always involves bum bumping, what qualifies as spanking therapy is up for debate.

For example, as sex worker and sex educator Corey More explains, spanking therapy is any BDSM spanking scene.

Because according to them, any consensual risk-aware spanking session is going to have therapeutic benefits.

Pleasure-based, queer-inclusive kink educator Lateef Taylor says that the difference between a regular spanking session and a spanking therapy scene is intention.

“Just like all therapy, for it to count as spanking therapy, you have to go into it with the intention to move through something,” they say.

Regardless of which definition you choose, spanking therapy is the use of spanking to:

  • create a sensation of release
  • explore power play and relinquishment
  • work through trauma
  • process negative emotions
  • begin to understand your full potential

“There’s a difference between slapping someone’s rear end willy-nilly and spanking therapy,” says Taylor. In other words, spanking therapy requires skill!

And it isn’t a skill you learn while training to be a licensed marriage family therapist, for instance. Spanking therapy typically doesn’t involve going to a credentialed or licensed therapist.

So who do you go to? Usually a sex worker, according to More.

“There are a plethora of incredibly skilled sex workers who specialize in BDSM, some of who do full-service work, and some of who only do spanking,” explains More.

A session with a sex worker will typically cost you $200 to $400 (per hour or scene, depending) and insurance won’t cover it (ugh).

So, if that’s not in your budget, More recommends finding a skilled spanker through FetLife, which is described as, “Facebook…. for kinky folks.”

“Just be careful and use your common sense,” says More. “Just like any social media platform or dating app, there are some great folks and some creeps.”

Social distancing protocols permitting, sex parties are another great option. To find out how to get into and where to find a sex party near you, ask your local sex shop employees — they’re usually in the know.

“The best part about a sex party is you can watch someone who you want to spank you, spank someone else,” says More.

Finally, if you’re already familiar with the BDSM scene, word of mouth is a great resource! Kinksters are a gossipy group. Let a few know you’re on the hunt for some therapeutic tushy spanking, and word will spread.

Spanking has a reputation as being all about pain and punishment.

“But spanking can be incredibly erotic, freeing, and powerful when done in a controlled and consensual environment,” says More.

“When you’re feeling flattened by life, spanking therapy can be a way to remind you of the fullness of your humanity and the joy of life,” they say. “It can bring you back to your inner fire.”

So why are people into it? Because those (^) are some pretty damn powerful feels.

Depends on the spankee’s objectives!

It can provide a number of things, including:

How spanking has these effects comes down to the release of feel-good endorphins and hormones such as oxytocin, dopamine, and adrenaline.

“No,” says Taylor. “There’s an intimacy there, of course, but it isn’t necessarily sexual.”

They offer an analogy: “You don’t go see your physical therapist because you want to have sex with them. You see them for a specific kind of release.”

So even though the exact same kinds of contact and touch could be sexual in one context, during the therapy session, it’s not, they say.

Really, though, it comes down to your individual definition of “sexual” and “sex.”

Does spanking feel like sex to you? Does sex only occur if there’s genital contact? Is spanking sex if the spankee is bare-bottomed? These are questions all spankees and spankers will have to contend with themselves.

Most of the time the bum is the only part of the body spanked during a spanking therapy session. Why? Because it’s fleshy AF.

How do you spank someone’s tush? Think about each cheek as being split up into four different quadrants.

The lower, innermost quadrant is the most sensitive. This is where the spanker will aim for the greatest response.

But (!) you need to get the bottom and body a chance to warm up to the sensation first.

In fact, More says, if someone doesn’t warm up with you first, it’s a red flag to get out of dodge.

Do you use your hand or… ? “If you’re new to spanking, you should start with your hand,” says More.

As you become more advanced, you can invest in paddles, which will offer different sensations. For example, a silicone paddle = stingy, while a wood paddle = thuddy.

“The rhythm is the most important part,” says Taylor. “The speed can vary, but you want the spanker to get into some sort of rhythm.”

Actually, all sessions should, more or less, follow the same general structure.

The beginning: Scene negotiation

All good BDSM begins with communication. So before the whacking starts, chat about:

  • what you’re hoping to get out of the scene
  • any physical limitations or injuries you have
  • verbal and nonverbal safe words
  • whether you’ll be bare-bottomed or not
  • how you want the scene to end (for example, are you going for a certain number of spanks? Until a certain emotion is reached?).

“The more you communicate before the scene starts, the more likely it is that you’ll get what you want out of the scene,” says More

The middle: The spanking session

Surprise: This is where the aforementioned ~therapeutic magic~ happens.

The end: Aftercare

BDSM-speak for pillow-talk, “aftercare involves checking in with each other and sitting in mutual space as you both come down from the hormonal rush the scene can create,” says More.

(This is often known as sub-drop and top-drop).

Once more for the peeps in the back: Spanking requires skill.

And to be blunt, your boo probably doesn’t (yet) have that skill.

Taylor notes: “Just as you wouldn’t go into talk therapy with your partner [as your therapist], it’s best not to try spanking therapy with your partner.”

So, can you do it with your partner? Sure, if you’re seeking stress release or pleasure. But you both have to be willing to learn:

  • how to try spanking safely
  • how to communicate effectively
  • how to construct a scene

One of the best ways to learn? Hire a sex worker who specializes in spanking to teach you!

They’ll be able to teach you techniques, including:

  • where on the bum is safe to spank
  • how to start a spanking session
  • how to spank someone using a device like a paddle

Sex parties are also an option. Many advanced spankers will be pleased to have an opportunity to show off their skills.

You and your partner can also take a more, well, classic approach to learning:

  • Read the book “The Pleasure Mechanics Guide To Erotic Spanking” (which you can buy online),
  • watch spanking tutorials
  • attend a spanking 101 class at your local sex shop

Now that you’ve read to the bottom (heh) of this article, odds are you know whether spanking therapy is something you want to explore.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

4 Tips For Proudly Introducing Kink Into Your Relationship

By Mary Grace Garis

If during this time in quarantine, you’ve done some sexual exploring about what gets you going—great. Maybe you’ve dedicated some self-care sessions to self-pleasure, had some mind-blowing staycation sex, or taken the BDSM test to explore your NSFW interests. And just maybe, all the sexploration has you wanting to learn how to introduce kink into your relationship as well. If what’s stopping you is a sense of feeling overwhelmed or even embarrassed, stop right there: Sex educators agree that kink is a perfectly healthy and safe form of sexual expression and pleasure, and talking about it with a partner is the first step for removing any level of stigma that may surround it so everyone involved can get to the important part of enjoying it.

Of course, the first step is understanding what kink is. Kink can be construed as a wide variety of consensual sex acts that aren’t vanilla, penetrative, heteronormative sexual intercourse. “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse,” sexual-health consultant Francisco Ramirez previously told Well+Good. For some examples, it can include a blindfold, getting tied up, spanking, temperature play, choking, and more. Kink also encompasses BDSM—which stands for “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism”—which usually involves power play with clear dominant and submissive roles, and sometimes might not even directly involve sex play at all.

Below, Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist with sexual-wellness brand Royal, shares four golden rules for how to introduce kink into a relationship.

4 tips for how to introduce kink into a relationship, according to a sexologist.

1. If you’re afraid to bring it up, say so from the outset

Many of us have to unlearn shame around sexuality, and everyone’s barometer for what constitutes “kink” is different. Before bringing up anything to a partner, know that your interests and preferences are valid. V also recommends coming from a place of vulnerability. “Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you,” says V.

“Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you.” —Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist

She suggests saying something along the lines of, “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, but it’s hard for me because I’m afraid that maybe you’ll think I’m weird. Do you have some time to talk?” or “Hey, do you have the bandwidth to talk about something? I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I’m scared, but it’s really important to me.”

2. Be specific about what you’re interested in

Since, as previously mentioned, everyone’s barometer for what constitutes kink is different. That’s why clarity about what you want to you want to introduce into your relationship is so important.

“Once the subject is broached, start small. Give examples, and be willing to explain why you’re interested in something,” says V. “When you use the words ‘kink’ and ‘BDSM,’ many people imagine dungeons and ball gags, which make up a small and very extreme percentage of kinky play.”

3. Use mental imagery as a way of approaching the idea

V suggests prompting specific sex plays with images and speaking in hypotheticals to get the conversation going. An example? “Wouldn’t it be fun for us to play with a little spanking?” The idea of you doing that during sex is so hot! Is that something you’d be open to exploring?” And the conversation can (hopefully) flow from there.

“It helps to have done your research and to come to the conversation with specific examples of what you want and why, as well as what the benefits are to your partner,” V says. “If you can clearly articulate a desire and are able to focus on the potential benefits for both of you and your relationship, you are more likely to be met with enthusiasm.”

4. Be prepared for friction, but don’t get hung up on it

According to V, many great partners will hear out your desires, ask any necessary clarifying questions, and want to make them come true so long as they feel safe doing so. However, not everyone will start with a positive reaction. Be prepared for this, and be willing to forgive your partner if their immediate response comes from a place of shame or judgment.

“Remember that there’s a lot of shame around this subject, and their response will be informed primarily by their culture and their upbringing—not by their best selves—unless they’ve already done some personal work on this,” says V. “If they don’t change their tune, and they continue to judge you for your kinky desires, it might be time to show them the door and find a new partner who can give you an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to exploring.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why is my sex drive so high?

6 reasons for increased libido — and when it might be too high

By Sarah Fielding

  • If your sex drive is higher than normal, it may be due to a fluctuation in hormone levels, your age, or an increase in exercise. 
  • A decrease in stress levels or stopping certain medications might also explain an increased sex drive. 
  • There is no such thing as a “normal” sex drive, but if you feel your libido is impacting your relationships or career, reach out to a sex therapist or consult with your doctor.

While a high libido is often considered healthy, sometimes you might wonder why your sex drive seems higher than normal or has suddenly increased. Here are six reasons why your sex drive may feel unusually high:

1. Your hormone levels are changing

The sex hormones estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels can vary during your lifetime — but also within the course of a day — affecting your sex drive along with them.

For women, estrogen levels rise before and during ovulation, causing an increase in sex drive. Meanwhile, high testosterone levels in men have been linked to higher libido. High levels of testosterone are common in younger men and athletes using steroids.

A 2016 report found that being on estrogen therapies, like for menopause or bone loss, may be the reason for a higher sex drive in women. Additionally, if you’re taking testosterone with low-dose estrogen therapy for postmenopausal purposes it may also heighten your sex drive.

2. You’re going through puberty or aging

Those who are younger may have a higher sex drive than older adults. For example, testosterone production increases 10 times in adolescent boys, which explains the increase in arousal or interest in sex at that period in development.

However, middle-aged women may have a higher sex drive than younger women. A 2010 study of adult women found that people between 27 and 45 were more likely to think about sexual activities, have frequent sexual fantasies, a more active sex life, and more intense sexual fantasies than those aged 18 to 26.

3. You’re exercising more

One reason your sex drive may be higher than usual is an increase in physical activity or weight loss. A small 2018 study revealed a positive relationship between physical fitness and a higher sex drive. In fact, the researchers found that in women, arousal was heavily influenced by cardiovascular endurance. 

“Physical activity may make us feel more connected to our bodies and could increase self-image,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California. “When we feel good about ourselves, we’re likely to want to engage in partnered sex more frequently.”

4. You’re in a healthy sexual relationship

Some people may experience a boost in libido if they find themselves in a sexual relationship that’s more enjoyable than their past ones.

“If [sex is] a good and pleasurable experience, then it’s going to make you want to do more of it. If it’s a bad experience or it’s not pleasurable, then a lot of times people will develop an aversion to sex,” says Tamika K. Cross, MD, FACOG, an OBG-YN at Serenity Women’s Health & Med Spa in Pearland, Texas. “You’re going to want more of something that feels good, and that’s pleasurable to you.”

5. You’re less stressed

Your sex drive might be higher than usual because you’re experiencing less stress. Higher stress levels release more cortisol — your fight or flight hormone — which can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross.

In a small 2008 study, 30 women had their sex drives and cortisol levels measured before and after watching an erotic film. It found that women who had a decrease in cortisol had higher sex drives.

If you’ve recently noticed a dip in your stress levels, that may also explain an increase in sex drive. “Although sex is very physical, it’s very mental and psychological as well,” says Cross.

6. You’ve changed your medication

If you noticed a sudden change in libido it may be because you recently stopped using medication or decreased your dose. Antidepressants, in particular, can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross. In a 2016 report, 40% of people experiencing sexual dysfunction could attribute it to anti-depressant use.

Other medications that may hinder your sex drive include:

  • Anti-hypertensive medications, which are used to treat high blood pressure
  • Anti-mania medications like lithium
  • Hormones like Lupron or Zoladex

Therefore, if you recently stopped one of these medications, it might explain your higher than normal sex drive. Some people may prefer to discontinue or change a medication because it is impacting their sex life so significantly. Talk to your doctor if you think this may be an issue for you or your partner, as there are many safe alternatives to medications that impact libido.

Can my sex drive be too high?

Just as there is no right amount of sex to be having, no “normal” sex drive exists. “There is a lot of shaming language around those with higher sex drives,” says Lewis. People use terms like ‘sex addict’ and ‘nymphomaniac’ too often, she says, to describe others who have a natural, healthy sex drive.

Finding partners who have a similar sex drive can be a positive way to explore your sexuality, but if your partner and you have fundamentally different sex drives, that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.

However, “if your high sex drive is getting in the way of commitments such as work, family, or relationships, you might want to see a sex-positive sex therapist to find support on how to manage your sex drive without shame,” says Lewis.

Cross says if you and your partner are not on the same page, as far as sex drive, it can put a stress on the relationship. Receiving help from a sex therapist early on can help you and a partner find a balance that works for both of you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Aging and Sex

By Korin Miller

Sex advice is often geared toward people who are having it for the first time, but it’s understandable that you might still have questions, even when you’re a sex veteran. After all, your body changes as you get older, and you’re not born knowing how to navigate all of this.

>“Our bodies change over time, so it’s very normal to have questions about sex and sexual health at any age, no matter how experienced you are,” women’s health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider, tells Yahoo Life.

But figuring out your “new normal” in your sex life can be “even even more sexually satisfying once you learn how to navigate the hormonal and physical changes that occur with age,” Dr. Lauren Streicher, an associate professor of clinical obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever, tells Yahoo Life.

Whether you’re in a steady relationship or are single, experts say these are important things to consider to keep your sex life—and sexual health—in top shape, no matter what your age.

Don’t shy away from lubrication

“As women get older, the ovaries make less estrogen,” Dr. Mary Jane Minkin, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology and reproductive sciences at Yale Medical School, tells Yahoo Life. “That can cause [a woman] to be drier.” That’s why Minkin says that lubrication “is key” to having comfortable sex.

Lubrication is also important for lowering your risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs), Wider says. If you’re not well lubricated during sex, you can be vulnerable to experiencing micro-tears that can open you up to contracting an STI, she explains. “It’s important to be aware of this and to use personal lubrication products,” Wider says.

Use protection with a new partner

Yes, protection is still important when you’re older. And yes, you can get pregnant, which is why birth control is still important in your late 30s and early 40s. “While pregnancy is a lot less likely after 40, it can, and does, happen,” Streicher says. She points to data published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found that 45% of pregnancies in the U.S. are unintended. “Not surprisingly, the highest rate of unintended pregnancy is among women aged 24 and younger,” she says. “Surprisingly, the second-highest rate is among women over 40. In fact, unplanned pregnancies in women over 40 have recently increased because so many women in that group assume they are no longer fertile.”

STIs are still a risk, too, Streicher says. “You shouldn’t be lulled into safety, even if someone tells you they’re low risk because they just got a divorce or something,” she says. “Who knows who else they’ve been with?”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends using condoms to protect against the spread of STIS, nothing that “consistent and correct” use of latex condoms reduces the risk of contracting STIs and HIV. However, the CDC says, condoms, “cannot provide absolute protection.”

Minkin agrees that condoms are not perfect. “They don’t cover everything down there,” she says. “People can still transmit herpes with a condom, for example.” Still, she says, “they’re a good option.”

Keep up your Kegel exercises

Kegel exercises, which can help make the muscles under the uterus, bladder, and bowel stronger, can make sex more enjoyable, Wider says. “Strong pelvic floor muscles are important during sex,” she says. “Doing daily exercises can help strengthen and improve the tone of this muscle group.”

To do the exercises, Medline Plus recommends pretending you have to pee and then holding it. Relax and tighten the muscles that control urine flow—these are your Kegel exercises.

“The pelvic floor is challenged by pregnancy and age,” Minkin says. “It’s good to do these exercises any time, and it’s never too early to start.”

Take your time during sex

This is important at any age, Minkin says. “Most women need time to get things going, and many women and their partners are unaware of that,” she says. She recommends that couples start slowly and incorporate elements of touch and relaxation in foreplay, like giving a gentle massage.

Wider says patience during sex is also crucial. “Many women take longer to reach [climax] when compared with a male partner,” she says. “Giving yourself time to climax is important to sexual satisfaction.”

Get your HPV vaccine

The vaccine against human papillomavirus (HPV), an STI that’s linked to certain forms of cancer, is largely recommended for people under the age of 26, per the CDC. However, people up to age 45 who are not vaccinated may decide to have the vaccine to lower their risk of contracting HPV. “I advise women to get the vaccine, particularly if they’re newly single and not in a monogamous relationship,” Streicher says.

While the HPV vaccine has been tested in and approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for use in people up to age 45, Streicher says she will sometimes give it to patients who are older than that if they’re at a higher risk of contracting HPV. If you’re unsure if you need this, she recommends talking to your doctor.

Get tested for STIs

If you have multiple sexual partners, Minkin recommends that both you and your partners get tested regularly. “There is no absolutely safe hookup,” she says. The CDC recommends that all adults up to age 64 get tested at least once for HIV, and that sexually active women with risk factors like new or multiple sex partners get tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year.

Have open communication with your partner</strong

This is a big one, per Minkin. “One of the problems with satisfying sex is boredom,” she says. Minkin recommends having regular conversations with your partner about what you do and don’t like in bed. “If there’s no communication, there’s not going to be good sex,” she says. “Talking and working to liven things up is a good thing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Maximize the Mental Health Benefits of Masturbation

Experts weigh in on the art of mindful masturbation at a time when we can all use it

By Kayla Kibbe

You’ve gotta hand it to masturbation’s PR team. Since 1894, when one William Kellogg intentionally engineered a cereal so bland as to quell sexual excitement and curb masturbatory habits then deemed not only shameful, but harmful, cultural attitudes toward masturbation have done a near 180, with the ultimate physical expression of self-love transformed from an act of self-abuse to one of self-care.

While god-fearing sexual mores and myths of yore linked masturbation to myriad health consequences including blindness, mental illness, hairy palms and even death (followed, of course, by eternal damnation), masturbation’s post-corn-flakes rebrand has seen the act of getting oneself off absolved and proclaimed not only harmless, but downright good for you. Unlike sexphobic cereal makers of centuries past who aimed to save masturbators from certain mental, physical and spiritual demise, experts today tout the various health benefits of what Kellogg and his late-Victorian ilk once called “the solitary vice.” Today, after centuries of bad PR courtesy of — among other entities — the Roman Catholic Church, masturbation is finally recognized as a fun, pleasurable activity that can actually improve your physical, sexual and yes, mental health.

“Masturbation, when devoid of guilt and shame, can have loads of positive benefits on both our mental and physical health,” says Amy Weissfeld, Certified Sex Coach & Somatic Sex Educator. “During masturbation, feel-good chemicals including dopamine and oxytocin are released into the body. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter, makes you feel good and puts you in a better mood. Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, contributes to feelings of well-being and attachment,” she explains, adding that both dopamine and oxytocin help block the release of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress and anxiety.

In addition to stress relief, this “cocktail of chemicals” — as Bruce P. Grether, masturbation coach and founder of Erotic Engineering puts it — can also improve self-esteem and confidence, “enhanc[ing] happiness and even social harmony with others,” Grether explains.

Suffice to say, stress relief, happiness and social harmony are all things we could use a little more of these days, and masturbating your way there seems like a win-win. That said, there’s a difference between mindlessly rubbing one out and actually masturbating with improved mental health as the goal.

“Masturbating more mindfully is the secret to gaining these mental health benefits,” says Weissfeld. “Don’t just pound it out or try to get it over with,” she adds. “This kind of masturbation is very different from ‘having a wank’ or ‘getting it out of the system.’”

Fortunately, there are ways to hack your masturbatory practice for a more mentally rewarding experience. While — as sex hacker, international sex expert and sex educator Kenneth Play points out — masturbation is no substitute for professional treatment, there are still plenty of mental health benefits to be reaped from your favorite solo pastime if you know how to do it right.

Here, experts offer tips on how to masturbate your way to better mental health, or at least a better state of mind.

Slow Down

“Way the fuck down,” says Weissfeld. “Remind yourself that it’s not about the orgasm or how quickly or slowly you get there. It’s actually about the pleasure — about allowing and inviting pleasure to spread throughout the whole body.”

In a society that tends to prioritize orgasms — especially male ones — as the goal of any sexual encounter, partnered or solo, it can be difficult not to treat masturbation as a race to get yourself off. Reframing this orgasm-centric view is key to more mindful masturbating. Rather than thinking of every stroke as a step toward orgasm, instead focus on paying attention to how each physical sensation actually feels in the moment.

“Too much focus on ejaculation can limit enjoyment,” says Grether, whose approach to mindful masturbation emphasizes the importance of “retraining yourself to focus on your own body in the here and now.”

“Mindfulness really just means alertness, paying full attention to what you are actually doing and feeling, and not getting lost in distraction or fantasy,” he adds.

According to Kenneth Play, this involves “releasing expectations and being open to your body’s messages moment to moment.” By “consciously training yourself to learn to pay more attention to the body’s signals,” he explains, you become more attuned to both mental and physical feelings and the ways they interact. “This may be a feeling of pleasure, or it could be some emotional discomfort that you haven’t really tuned into during your busy day and are only now noticing when you slow down enough.”

After years of jack-hammering yourself to a rapid-release orgasm, however, slowing down may be easier said than done. To remind yourself to stay slow and steady, Weissfeld recommends focusing on your breathing, “which can be used to both increase desire and arousal and to slow things down to a more relaxed sort of savoring.”

And remember, she says, it’s not about how fast you make it to the finish line. “Treating masturbation as the self-love and care it actually is means taking some time.”

Relax

“So many of us are in a chronically stressed-out state, especially during this pandemic. If you’re too stressed out, you may not even feel super sexual in the first place, or you may be used to using sex as a way of relieving stress rather than a way to get in touch with your body,” says Kenneth.

While replacing a midday snack or smoke break with masturbation has become increasingly common in the age of perpetually working from home, (and masturbation is definitely a healthy way to relieve stress during the work day, as long as you keep it off Zoom), it’s important to find time to enjoy masturbation as its own pleasurable act, independent from work or other stressors. In order to set the mood, even if it’s just a party of one, Kenneth suggests lighting candles, taking a bath, working out first or masturbating when you’re feeling sleepy or less energized.

“The body operates differently in states of relaxation, and your sexual responses will be completely different,” he explains. “As men, we often think of sex as a performance or a time to be in a very alert state. But there is another kind of arousal — that which comes from a relaxed body.”

According to Kenneth, many men have never even tapped into this more relaxed state of arousal, but doing so can have huge benefits for both your partnered and solo sex life.

“It’s really worth experimenting to see if you can find this new doorway into pleasure,” he says. “It’s great to try to develop this skill solo so you can bring this more relaxed form of arousal to your partners, but also just so you can experience it for yourself.”

Try something new

Even if you were raised on a steady diet of unhorny corn flakes, there’s a good chance you began masturbating at a young age. This is great and healthy and we should obviously encourage young people to begin expressing and exploring their sexuality in safe and consensual ways as early as they display an interest. That said, many adults are still holding firm to rigid masturbatory habits they formed years if not decades ago, which may be keeping them from a more physically and mentally satisfying experience.

“Men often get stuck in one position using a standard one-handed piston-stroke, and race to the finish-line, focused on ejaculation,” says Grether. “These are learned habits.”

Indeed, while not the addictive societal ill it was once thought, “masturbation does reinforce habits,” says Kenneth. “If you continually masturbate the same way, you are training yourself to be in that state of consciousness while having sex and for your body to perform [a certain] way.”

Fortunately, habits can be broken, and introducing a little novelty into your masturbation routine is probably a lot more fun (and easier) than trying to kick whatever other habits you’ve been reinforcing since childhood.

Mixing things up can be as simple as “touching yourself in a different way,” says Weissfeld. “If you always use your right hand, try your left. If you always use a massage stroke, try squeezing and releasing, or feather-light touch.”

Of course, you could also try introducing toys, adding, changing or removing porn from the equation, or masturbating with a partner.

Get Loud

Again, many of us have been masturbating from a young age, at which point we probably internalized some residual corn flakes-era masturbation shame. These lingering mentalities may have contributed to certain habits designed to keep our self-pleasure sessions quiet and secret, like “silencing ourselves or trying to be very small, quick and doing it in the dark,” says Weissfeld.

“At first this might be because we don’t want our caregivers or siblings to hear or discover us,” she explains. “Then perhaps because we don’t want our roommates or partners to hear us, and eventually we might be grown up and have kids of our own we silence ourselves for.”

While it’s obviously important to be respectful of the fact that the people you share your home or the other side of the wall in your apartment with may not want to be privy to your self-pleasure sessions, this continually reinforced inhibition can keep us from fully enjoying the experience.

“This is kind of like going to eat fast food in your car every day while trying not to make a mess,” says Kenneth. “Once you are at a nine-course Michelin-star meal, you might forget how to relax and actively enjoy your food. It’s important to practice enjoying your body some of the time so you don’t get stuck in a certain mode, unable to really enjoy yourself.”

Part of this comes from allowing yourself to be loud, or generally take up space you normally wouldn’t when you’ve been hardwired to approach masturbation like a dirty secret.

“Learn to be louder, take up more space,” says Weissfeld, who adds that the act of producing sound can actually have a physical effect on the erotic experience. “Allow yourself to make sound on the exhalation of breath and to moan deeply in the back of the throat,” she advises. “This activates the vagus nerve, which helps move those feel-good chemicals throughout the body.”

If being more vocal isn’t an option, there are other ways to make masturbation feel more like an experience than a secret.

“Perhaps you’d like to dim the lights, or lie on a blanket that’s especially cozy and soft, or listen to some incredibly sexy music, or wear something that turns you on, or use oil that makes your skin feel slippery and soft, or add sex toys to your play, or take a bath, or simply pause in the shower to feel how incredible the warm water feels cascading down your back,” she suggests. “Give yourself permission to spend some time on you, and to notice and savor every little sensation that brings you pleasure while you masturbate.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How The Pandemic Has Changed Our Sexuality

By Kim Elsesser

Sex lives have changed dramatically since last March.  Sales of sex toys are on the rise and a new survey reveals that singles are turning to masks, videos and roommates to help meet their sexual needs while staying safe from Covid-19. For couples, increased time together can mean more freedom for intimacy, but the increased stress from the pandemic can also be a libido killer. Here’s the scoop on what has changed in the last seven months.

A new Singles in America survey from Match confirms that sexual behavior has changed dramatically since the pandemic took hold.  Although many are abstaining from sex completely (Match reports that 71% of singles haven’t had sex since the pandemic started), other singles are turning to roommates to meet their intimacy needs. Of the singles who have been sexually active during the pandemic, almost a quarter of them (24%) reported having sex with a non-romantic roommate. The percentage hooking up with a roommate was higher for the younger generations, with a whopping 46% of Gen Z and 33% of Millennials saying they had sex with a non-romantic roommate. Even local governments have been encouraging roommate sex. New York City told its residents who were looking to stay safe from Covid-19, that “you are your safest sex partner,” adding, “the next safest partner is someone you live with.” While roommate sex may limit virus exposure, it does seem fraught with other pitfalls.

Sexologists call a shift in behavior, like this move to roommate sex, situational sexual behavior. Dr. Helen Fisher, Match’s scientific advisor on the survey, describes, “Situation sexual behavior is sexual behavior that one expresses in situations or circumstances in which they are unable to express their normal, preferred patterns of sexuality. It is common among prisoners, among those in other confining institutions, in wartime settings, among travelers in unfamiliar places and in other situations in which an individual is not able to pursue their normal and/or preferred habits, behaviors and patterns of sexuality.”

Sales of sex toys have also increased during the pandemic. In April, just after the shutdown started, Wow Tech Group, owner of We-Vibe and Womanizer, reported online sales for both brands had increased over 200% compared to last year. On the day that the WHO declared Covid-19 a pandemic, Adult Toy Megastore saw sales triple in New Zealand, Australia, and Britain. Emily Writes, a spokesperson for the Megastore, told The Guardian, “We’re selling a lot of beginner toys … all our beginner ranges are very popular. It definitely looks like people are saying: ‘I’ve got time, I might try something new.’”

Rachel Braun Scherl, vagipreneur (her trademarked label for someone in the business of female sexual health) and managing partner at SPARKS Solutions for Growth says part of the increase in sex toy use is due to logistical realities during the pandemic. “People are with their partners hours and hours more every day than they have been for years. No one is traveling, no one is going out to dinner, the physical proximity is greater, so there are many more opportunities for engaging in intimacy,” she says.

The increase in sex toy sales is also likely related to an increase in self-pleasure during the pandemic. Scherl says one reason may be the additional focus on health and wellness during the pandemic. “We’re hearing so much during the pandemic about self-care and how important that is. And that narrative has been extended to include pleasure, ” she says. Adding one more potential reason for the uptick in self-pleasure, she says, “It’s also much scarier to be dating casually right now. In place of casual sexual encounters, people are now focusing on self-pleasure.”

For those who are engaging in sex with those outside of their households, there has been a shift as well. In September, the Chief Public Health Officer of Canada, Dr. Theresa Tam, issued a statement that included recommendations for those having sex with anyone outside of the household. Tam writes,  “Sex can be complicated in the time of Covid-19, especially for those without an intimate partner in their household or whose sexual partner is at higher risk for Covid-19. Like other activities during Covid-19 that involve physical closeness, there are some things you can do to minimize the risk of getting infected and spreading the virus.” She recommends skipping the kissing and wearing a mask.

Match didn’t ask about mask-wearing during sex specifically, but 20% of singles in their survey report wearing mask throughout their dates. Singles have also adopted other safety measures, like video screening of potential dates. Match reports that 68% of singles reported using video dating to determine whether they wanted to meet someone in real life, and video dating has increased 25% in the last three years.

In order to stay safe, singles could also be asking potential dates to be tested for the virus prior to intimacy. “Where they used to say, show me your HIV test, now they could be asking, ‘please show me your negative Covid test,’” Scherl says. There’s also evidence people are talking to their partners about the extent of their potential exposure to the virus. Dr. Abraar Karan of Harvard Medical School agrees and suggested to NPR that daters should approach the conversation about their partner’s health the same way they would talk about sexually transmitted diseases before being intimate with someone for the first time.

It’s also important to note that not everyone is increasing their sexual activity during the pandemic. “There are people who are going to town and having more sex and buying more toys, and there are people for whom the stress of the pandemic is so great it has the opposite reaction,” Scherl says. In particular, stress related to family health or financial stress incurred during the pandemic can have a negative impact on libido.

Scherl believes the best news about sexuality in pandemic times is the greater emphasis on women’s health and the impact that sexual behavior can have on health. She adds another benefit, “Sexual health and sexual pleasure and sexual enjoyment are becoming much more comfortable topics in our society.” Openness and more discussion about these topics will hopefully lead to better health outcomes and more enjoyment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Dating All Genders for the First Time?

Here’s Where To Start.

Explore dating new people with care and compassion front of mind.

by Taylor Hartman

Sara Saito was nervous. Her palms were sweating as she sat at a crowded bar, waiting for her date.

Saito had been in the U.S. for a semester studying business abroad at the University of Utah, and she was about to go on her first real date since starting school.

The date itself wasn’t what was giving Saito nerves — after all, she’d dated people in high school and had a boyfriend for a year.

She was nervous because after struggling with her sexual identity for years, this was the first time she was going on a date with a woman.

“I’d always been attracted to women but I was too scared of the unknown,” Saito said. “I’m a pretty shy person, so doing something social that’s new is scary for me.”

As a single person in a new city, Saito said she was finally ready to better understand herself and explore dating a wider variety of people. When she first found out she wanted to start date women, Saito felt lost, unsure of where to look or how to begin.

“I can download Tinder and change the gender to women, but for me, I was still nervous,” Saito said.

“What if I say the wrong thing or break a ‘rule?’ What if I find out I am less attracted to girls [than I thought]? Those were real concerns for me because I was so new to everything, it all was overwhelming and scary.”

Ready to date different genders? Self knowledge is key

Like Saito, many young people feel more comfortable with exploring their sexuality these days, but navigating a new social landscape can be a scary prospect.

For mental health experts like Sorin Thomas, exploring and understanding one’s gender is a beautiful part of life. But it should be done with care and other people’s well-being in mind, and always remembering hearts are at stake.

Thomas is the founding and executive director of QUEER ASTERISK, a Colorado-based nonprofit organization providing queer-informed counseling services, educational training and community programming.

“When we explore dating different genders the danger is people can get tokenized,” Thomas says,

“And then that could become further harmful when the person doesn’t have a good framework for how to validate another person’s gender, body, sexual identity and more.”

Thomas points out if a person isn’t sure what gender they’re attracted to, it may not be the best time to experiment with other people.

“It comes from that person unlocking things in themselves first,” Thomas said.

Get rid of misconceptions in you and others

One of the most common misunderstandings Thomas sees in counseling queer individuals and their families is that biological sex, gender and sexual orientation are all the same part of a person’s identity. In reality, the notions of gender, sex and attraction are much more nuanced, and often act independently of each other.

For example, Thomas said many people assume a transgender man would identify as heterosexual.

“The parent who’s saying something in their head like, ‘Gosh, I can’t imagine my child as a trans boy, they’ve always been attracted to boys,'” Thomas said.

“We try to help people understand that these things aren’t determined by each other.”

Thomas says the first step in dating new genders is to do some self-searching, and find out how you may identify, and how your biology, gender, and sexuality relate. When we understand how we’re oriented in the world, we can better understand how other people are.

Find inclusive resources and communities

No matter who we date, getting out there and meeting potential partners is a challenge. For folks who are just starting to date all genders, the usual resources for meeting people can be overwhelming.

Jake Arnold came out of the closet in December 2018, his senior year of college.

“I decided to download Grindr because I figure that’s where I’d meet people,” Arnold said.

“I was immediately bombarded with d*** pics and messages of people wanting to hook up. It was overwhelming.”

Arnold took a step back from Grindr and decided to research other dating platforms that were queer-friendly. He joined OkCupid, an app long hailed as an inclusive dating service, and felt less pressured. He eventually met his boyfriend on the site.

Arnold now volunteers with his local pride organization to provide a safe, pressure-free space for queer people — a space he felt he missed.

“I know how scary it is to come out and start looking,” Arnold said. “I want to be there for those people who are scared and say ‘I know what you’ve been through, I know how crazy gay dating can get, here’s what I did.”

Dating services and resources tailored to include queer people are becoming more common, Thomas said. At the end of the day, it’s important to realize that one’s sexual journey is just that — a journey.

Most of the time, we never arrive exactly where we thought we would, and the journey itself is something to celebrate.

“No one is a polished finished product,” Thomas said. “Trying something is messy. But to be able to do this with as much grace and integrity as possible is really great.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!