Tag: Relationship Advice

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How to boost your sex life if it’s gone stale

Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship probably has come up against intimacy gaps. Here’s a way to kickstart it again.

By Susie Moore

A friend of mine was complaining over dinner recently that in her five-year marriage, her sex life has really slowed down.

As a celebrity life coach and with eight years of experience helping people overcome blocks and attract more of what they want, this was a topic I’d come across before. It can happen at any stage in a relationship – and it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily a reason to panic.

When something “goes wrong” in a relationship, often our instinct is that it will be tough to transform or that it will require “deep work” to push though and make it out to the other side.

There’s can also be another, gentler way that works.

Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship has or probably will come up against intimacy gaps at some point. Freaking out is not the answer. Nor is diving deeply into “the problem.”

Here’s are some simple and effective suggestions that you can try instead:

Think loving, sexy thoughts toward your partner

Look at them through the eyes of someone who might spot them across the room at a party. Remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place. Just because someone is familiar doesn’t mean you can’t foster a fresh attraction. It’s up to you and your thinking! Passion (and orgasms) begin in the mind.

Physically touch in a romantic way that doesn’t have to lead to sex

When was the last time you had a long, lasting kiss? Or a hug that lingered for more than two seconds?

Stop making your partner “wrong”

My friend Alexandra, an intimacy expert, taught me this important lesson: Someone who is wrong all the time is not sexy at all! When we criticise our partner non-stop, we become less attracted to them. How can a person who is wrong all the time seem sexy to you?

You’re allowed to disagree without anyone being wrong — for example, if your partner refuses to get into the plant-based meat substitutes you’re loving, validate your partner’s side of things. “I like veggie burgers, but I respect your meat-loving nature!”

A wrong person doesn’t feel sexy or attractive, to you or to themselves. So stop trying to win fights. It’s killing both of your sex drives.

You can also ask questions!

Instead of jumping into conflict as a reflex, use it as a chance to get to know each other better. For example, instead of saying, “You’re too stingy with money when it comes to eating out!” Ask, “What are you saving for? Tell me what you want in the future.”

Being open-minded fosters closeness and intimacy, allowing you to understand your partner in a whole new way.

Choose curiosity over judgment

Instead of using critical language such as saying something is bad/boring/dumb/annoying, be curious instead. “This isn’t a TV show I’d normally watch, but I see you love it — what’s so good about it?”

Bonus relationship hack

Whatever you’re telling your partner helps shape what they become. Your life partner is your biggest decision and most important teammate – so be on their side! You reap the benefits, too.

There’s an old joke I love: A husband and wife are driving around in their hometown, where he is the mayor. They stop to get some petrol, whereupon the wife recognises the attendant as a high-school boyfriend. After they drive off, her husband tells her, smugly, “See, if you’d married him, you’d be working at a petrol station.” The wife replies, “If I’d married him, he’d be the mayor.”

Touch, respect, admiration, and building each other up — these are all sexy behaviours that will bring you much more closeness than focusing on problems. You don’t need new lingerie or Botox to increase intimacy. Your emotional connection enhances your physical connection — they’re entwined.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Kinks and fetishes you need to know about, from A to Z

Because pleasure = self-care.

By Mollie Quirk

An A to Z of kinks and fetishes probably isn’t something you knew you needed, but it’s time to up your sex-ed game because let’s be honest, sex – whether solo or with a partner – and self-care go hand-in-hand. Pleasure is wellness, people. And there could be a whole realm of untapped pleasure here you never knew existed.

So, we’ve compiled a list of 26 kinks from A to Z, from bondage to role play. Please remember that kinks are supposed to be fun, and if at any point they stop being fun – you can stop at ANY time.

A is for Age Play

Many people get turned on when roleplaying, and even more so when they’re acting younger or older than they are. This kink could start off by calling your partner ‘daddy’ in bed, or maybe you’re getting called ‘baby’ – but it doesn’t stop there. The daddy/baby name-calling is just an example of light age play, but if the switch is flipped and all of a sudden one of you is acting like a baby, sucking on a dummy and crawling around in a nappy, then it’s safe to say that you’ve crossed to the extreme side of age play.

B is for Bondage

Some people get off when they’re restrained – whether that be in handcuffs or with ropes. Bondage falls under the BDSM umbrella term that means ‘bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism’. Some people enjoy being dominant (i.e. tying other people up) and some enjoy the more submissive side (i.e. being tied up). 

Bondage is the most well-known kink (thanks Fifty Shades of Grey) and uses sex toys like handcuffs, paddles, whips, shackle mounts, candle wax, chains, ropes and suspension bars.

Expensive toys aren’t always needed, and trading handcuffs for a tie can be a good alternative.

C is for Cuckolding

Cuckolding is usually when a heterosexual couple agree for the woman to sleep with another man/men. Her partner doesn’t need to be in the room – he just needs to get turned on by the thought of his partner having sex with somebody else. But, some men do like being in the room while watching their partner sleeping with another man. Although its traditionally considered to be a heterosexual kink, people of all genders and sexual orientations can partake.

D is for Dogging

Dogging is a British slang term for having sex in public, or watching others do so. It’s become an increasingly popular kink, and is similar to voyeurism and exhibitionism.

Usually two sets of people are involved (sometimes more) and they set up a meet or meet randomly, before watching the other couple have sex and vice versa. This kink doesn’t come without risks though, because in Great Britain, dogging comes under laws related to voyeurism, exhibitionism, or public displays of sexual behaviour. Prosecution is possible for a number of offences, and this means that public places in some areas of the UK sit in a grey area, legally speaking.

E is for Electrostimulation

Some people get turned on by getting electrocuted, and this kink is called electrostimulation. This involves using small electric shocks in the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex with your partner). Getting electrocuted can be dangerous, which is why most people who partake in this kink are into another type called ‘edge play’.

F is for Foot Fetishism

You’ve definitely heard of this one. Foot fetishes are one of the most common fetishes out there, just take Jake from Love Island 2021 and his very public foot fetish.

A foot fetish is when somebody gets turned on by, yep you guessed it, other people’s feet. They will most likely want to touch them, hold them, lick them, kiss them, and sometimes they might even want to suck that person’s toes. People with foot fetishes also engage in foot worship, which leads into another kink – humiliation. Sometimes the fetishist might want their partner’s feet in their mouth, they might want to be trodden on, kicked or walked on.

G is for Gagging

Some people like be gagged and choked while having sex, and this kink has recently seen a huge surge in popularity. Gagging can refer to lightly choking on an object (like a penis) or being choked slightly by the hand of your partner.

Another form of gagging is using a ball gag to gag somebody so they can no longer speak. This will either seem like your worst nightmare or your hottest sexual fantasy. Remember that if any form of gagging becomes uncomfortable at any stage – stop immediately. Having a safe word or signal is recommended, so that your partner knows if you’re withdrawing consent.

H is for Humiliation

This isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but some people do get a kick out of being humiliated (or doing the humiliation). If you like being called names like ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, or ‘whore’ in bed, then you probably have a kink for being humiliated. But if you like doing the name-calling, then you probably have more a dominant side and enjoy humiliating others.

I is for Impact Play

Considered a form of BDSM, impact play is generally where one person is struck by their sexual partner for the pleasure of one or both parties. Some people enjoy being whipped with a ‘stingy’ whip, while others might prefer a ‘thud’ from a paddle.

J is for JOE / JOI

A popular kink without many even realising it, Jerk Off Encouragement or Jerk Off Instruction, is when you’re instructed to masturbate for your sexual partner. Some people might enjoy instructing another party to masturbate for them, while others might enjoy being told what to do. Either way, it’s an exciting way to spice things up in the bedroom.

K is for Klismaphilia

In Greek, Klismaphilia means “arousal by enemas.” If you’re unsure what an enema is, it’s similar to a colonic irrigation. Basically, an enema is when you get warm water squirted into your bum.

Enemas are most commonly carried out by hospitals prior to medical procedures, but some people get turned on by having an enema (or giving one to somebody else). Most people will use enemas as a way to prepare the anus for anal sex, so it’s handy that you enjoy it if you like anal.

L is for Lactophilia

More common in heterosexual couplings, Lactophilia refers to when a male gets turned on by seeing a woman lactate – commonly known as producing breast milk. Lactophiliacs enjoy seeing women produce breast milk, as well as sucking on breasts and having sex with women who are producing milk.

M is for Medical fetish

Some people get turned on by doctors, nurses, dentists and pretty much anybody else in the medical profession. People with this kind of fetish might enjoy seeing their partner dressed up in a white coat, or they might enjoy medical role play. 

N is for Nylons

Also known as pantyhose addiction, those who love ladies (or men) wearing nylons tend to get sexual stimulation, gratification and arousal from their partners wearing tights. They might also love the process of putting them on, or taking them off. It is thought that those with nylon kinks prefer tights over stockings, because tights have direct contact with genitals.

This kink directly related to another very similar fetish – used underwear. Thanks to the internet, it’s now easier than ever to buy used under garments like tights, stockings, socks, knickers and bras. Sellers tend to sell the garment for a price that is decided on by the amount of times it has been worn.

O is for Orgasm Denial

Another kink that lives under the umbrella of BDSM, orgasm denial is where one partner brings the other right to the brink of orgasm and then stops – also known as edging, peaking, or surfing.

This sexual technique is when your orgasm is controlled by your sexual partner or yourself. This kink is both harsh and extremely rewarding because you’re getting built up and brought down, something that can continue for quite some time, before then being allowed to orgasm. Many women (and men) report that this is the ultimate way to reach an orgasm because it becomes more intense than ever before. It’s the perfect blend of being punished before getting given a reward. 

P is for Penis Humiliation

This kink involves insulting a man’s penis. Usually the man will enjoy having the size, appearance and performance of his penis mocked and laughed at. This is another kink that falls under the BDSM umbrella term.

Q is for Queening

Queening is when a woman sits on her partner’s face for oral sex involving both your genitals and anus. The woman will position herself in a straddling position, while her partner (either male or female) will pleasure her orally. Some people have extreme queening kinks, meaning they prefer this kind of sex over the traditional kind.

R is for Role-play

Role-play is a very common sexual kink. It basically refers to when when people act out roles or storylines in order to turn each other on. It can crossover into many other kinks like medical fetishes or age-play, and can be a brilliant way of injecting some spice into your sex life. Role-playing can come with costumes and props, or can be as simple as sexting, dirty talk, or thinking out an elaborate story to draw out the sexual act.

S is for Sensory deprivation

Sensory deprivation is when one sexual partner removes stimulation and/or senses from the other. This means that the other sensations become more powerful, intense and extreme. An example of this would be a person wearing blindfold and earplugs, while concentrating on the what they can feel e.g. touch.

T is for Taphephilia

This kink is very obscure and incredibly risky. Some people get aroused by being buried alive. Similar to claustrophilia, arousal from confined spaces, this kink is best undertaken on a fantasy basis and with a sexual partner you trust. The real thing is super dangerous and not recommended.

U is for Urophilia

More commonly known as golden showers, urophilia is when you urinate on somebody. This can be done on their face, on their body, in their mouth, in their vagina or on any other sexual organs. It’s usually done as part of domination or humiliation, so is another kink that falls within the realms of BDSM.

V is for Vincilagnia

This term refers to being sexually aroused by bondage, and more specifically being tied up or tying your sexual partner up. Remember that all parties involved must give ongoing consent, as with any of the kinks listed in this A–Z.

W is for WAM

Wet and messy fetish (WAM), also known sploshing, is a sexual fetish that involves people becoming sexually aroused by wet and messy substances being applied to naked skin – whether it be their own, or their sexual partner’s. Some people like to be covered in wet, messy or sticky substances, while some people enjoy watching others get drenched. WAM can included getting pelted with cream pies (or shaving foam), slime, cakes, food, custard or other liquids.

X is for Wax play

Okay, it doesn’t technically start with an ‘X’ but we had to include it! Some people enjoy hot wax being poured over their bodies as a part of temperature play. Luckily, general candle wax doesn’t need to be used (and isn’t advised either) because purpose-made candles have been created, specifically for wax play. There are candles that exist to burn at a specific temperature to ensure you won’t get burnt (or burn your partner). Not only does the temperature play feel great, but as the candle burns, the wax turns into massage oil.

Y is for Yiffing

Yiffing is when people dress up in furry costumes to grope, fondle and hump each other. Usually no sex act is undertaken, and most of the time yiffing is done in a group setting. 

Z is for Zelophilia

Cuckolding often coincides with an element of zelophilia, which is arousal and pleasure from jealousy – whether it be your own jealousy towards a lover, or their jealousy of you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want a better relationship?

Watch porn with your partner.

A recent study casts doubt on the notion that watching porn, whether alone or with a partner, damages romantic relationships.

By Stephen Johnson

  • In media and psychological research, it has often been assumed that watching pornography harms romantic relationships.
  • A new study challenges that idea by showing that couples who watch porn together tend to report higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.
  • In terms of watching porn alone, relationships only seem to suffer when there are significant differences in sex drive between partners.

How does watching pornography affect romantic relationships? According to popular media, the answer often has been that watching porn, especially when one partner watches it alone, can damage relationships and lead to unrealistic or unhealthy expectations about sex. 

Psychological research has partly supported these ideas. Although few studies have proposed that watching porn necessarily hurts relationships, research has found correlationations suggesting that porn exposure leads to decreased sexual and relationship satisfaction, decreased relationship commitment, and increased rates of cheating. 

But a new study offers a more nuanced look at the role porn can play in romantic relationships. The research, published in Frontiers in Psychology, challenges mainstream notions about porn, finding that romantic partners who watch porn together tend to be more sexually satisfied and content with their relationships — at least when the couple is on the same page.

The research on porn and relationships

The body of research on porn’s effects on relationships has had a few notable problems, according to the researchers behind the recent study. For example, studies often collected data from only one partner in the relationship and usually did not compare each partner’s disposition to pornography to the other. 

Studies also had tended to frame the exposure to porn as the cause of relationship or sexual dissatisfaction, omitting the possibility that watching porn is actually a consequence of dissatisfaction or maybe even irrelevant to relationship problems. What’s more, most studies on porn and relationships have not been replicated, representing a broader problem in the social sciences.

Porn, gender, and sex drive

In the recent study, the researchers examined two cross-sectional and two longitudinal samples of more than 700 heterosexual couples. They conducted four studies that, altogether, explored how porn exposure (both solitary and shared) relates to relationship and sexual satisfaction, and how factors like gender and attitudes toward porn and sexuality might contribute to the overall question of porn’s effects on relationships.

“Across three studies, we found consistent evidence that partners who watch pornography together report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners who do not, and notably, this association was not moderated by gender,” the researchers wrote, adding that shared porn use may improve relationships because it improves sexual communication or because it’s a novel and exciting activity.

As for relationships in which one partner regularly watches porn alone? The results show that solitary porn exposure was negatively associated with that partner’s own relationship and sexual satisfaction, but “only in cases where their romantic partners used little or no pornography alone.”

The researchers called this the similarity-dissimilarity effect, which refers to how each partner can have different dispositions toward sex and porn. The study examined several domains of sexual differences, including sex drive, attitudes toward porn, and erotophobia and erotophilia. In terms of solitary porn use and sexual satisfaction in relationships, it turned out that sex drive was the only factor where differences between partners was significantly associated with lower sexual (but not relationship) satisfaction.

It remains unclear whether solitary porn use causes lower sexual satisfaction or is a byproduct of it. In general, the study did not establish causal paths for porn and relationship or sexual satisfaction. Still, the strong associations cast doubt on the popular perception that watching porn necessarily harms relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is It Possible To Masturbate Too Much?

By Kelly Gonsalves

Remember that time on Sex and the City when Charlotte received a rabbit vibrator and fell so in love with it that her friends needed to stage an intervention?

It was a fun and goofy storyline, but it does operate under the assumption that it’s possible to masturbate “too much.” So…is it?

Listen. Sometimes you get your hands on a sex toy that just blows your mind, and you need to spend basically every night with it for a few weeks. Or you’re just having a bit of a hard month, and you just really need to blow off steam in the evenings with a little help from your vibrator. And sometimes there is no reason—you’re just horny, or in the mood, or feeling it, so you go for it. Often.

No one’s judging! But in case you’ve ever wondered if you’re overdoing it, we reached out to sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, to get the lowdown on your downtown time.

Can you masturbate too much?

“Self-pleasure is a very low-risk sexual activity,” Francis says.

That said, it’s possible to do anything in excess, including masturbation. Just like you can exercise too much or wash your hands too much—even though those are generally great habits—you can also masturbate too much. 

“If your masturbation habits are causing you mental, emotional, relational, or physical distress, that is an indicator that you may be masturbating more than is currently healthy for you,” she explains.

She emphasizes that pleasure is healthy, and most people don’t have to worry about overdoing it—in fact, the guilt around masturbation is much more likely to negatively affect someone’s well-being than the actual masturbating. “Sexual health includes your awareness of your sexual needs and feeling empowered to act on them safely,” she explains.

Plenty of people masturbate quite often without any negative side effects (here’s how often men masturbate, FYI), and there are also a slew of benefits of masturbation, including relieving stress, easing pain and period cramps, improving sleep, and even potentially supporting your immune system.

But, as Francis points out, if you’re masturbating with a frequency that’s causing physical harm (that is, you’re noticing soreness or bruising) or negative impact on other parts of your life (like feeling consistently distracted by thoughts of masturbating at work such that you can’t accomplish anything), that’s a sign that it’s time to take a pause, evaluate the role masturbation is playing in your life, and potentially make some changes.

It’s also possible for your body to get used to a certain type of stimulation, Francis notes—for example, the feeling of a vibrator on your clitoris or the rhythm of your own hand on your shaft. “They may notice difficulty maintaining their [erection] or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone,” she says, but adds that this issue is easily solved by making sure to mix things up while masturbating or bringing some of your solo activities into partnered sex. (Don’t underestimate the thrill of mutual masturbation, people!) If you want, it may also help to pause on masturbation for a bit before a partnered sexual experience.

Signs you’re masturbating too much.

How much masturbation is too much will depend on the individual, Francis says. A routine that feels great for one person might feel like way too much for another person. Rather than focusing on frequency, focus on how the behavior makes you feel and how it is (or isn’t) affecting your life.

Here are some signs Francis looks for to know if a person’s current masturbation practice might not be healthy for them:

  • It feels like a need instead of a choice.
  • It no longer feels pleasurable.
  • You’re experiencing pain, numbness, or loss of pleasing sensation.
  • There is a significant decline in your availability for sexual presence with partners.
  • You are struggling to keep up with your responsibilities because of how often you masturbate.
  • You’re feeling mental, emotional, or relational distress around masturbating.
  • “The general rule of thumb is that if something is causing unintended pain, you should take that as an indicator that something is wrong,” she says.

    If any of the above feel like they may apply to you or if you simply find yourself continuing to worry about your behavior, consider reaching out to a sex therapist or another qualified sexual health professional who can help you take a closer look at what’s going on.

    The bottom line.

    There’s nothing wrong with masturbating a lot. Most people masturbate because it brings them a little pleasure, relaxation, or relief at the end of a long day or because they just want to have fun connecting with their body.

    Now, if you find your masturbation feels less relaxing and more stress-inducing, or if it feels “out of control” in any way, it’s worth checking in with a professional to make sure everything’s OK.

    But if you generally feel anywhere from amazing to neutral before and after masturbating and aren’t noticing any negative effects on other parts of your life, you probably don’t need to worry. Regular masturbation is a common and generally healthy pastime, so if it’s feeling good, have at it.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Explore Bisexuality If You’ve Only Ever Been in Gay Relationships

From one queer to another, it’s a minefield out there.

by Daisy Jones

There are some wild misconceptions about bisexual people. The first is that you’re either secretly gay or just experimenting. The second is that you are always the sexuality of your current relationship. (If someone’s partner was ginger, you wouldn’t assume they only fancy ginger people, would you?) And the third is that all bisexual people find it hard to act on their queer feelings.

Of course, that third point can be common (the world is still heteronormative, after all). But it’s not the Universal Bi Experience. Some bi or pansexual people have only ever been in same-gender relationships and wouldn’t even know where to begin when it comes to dating a different gender.

As someone who has only ever been in long-term relationships with other women – but who doesn’t necessarily fancy one gender – non-gay culture often looks weird and complicated. Why are men sometimes mean to women they like, for example? Do straight people have “tops” and “bottoms”? Is flirting the same, regardless of gender?? Truly, it’s a minefield out there.

With all of the above in mind, here’s a guide to exploring your bisexuality if you’ve only ever been in same-gender relationships, according to experts.

Remember that there isn’t just one way to be bi

The first thing a lot of bi people ask themselves is “but am I bi enough?” says Zachary Zane, sex columnist and sex expert for Promescent. Time to get rid of your preconceived notions about bisexuality. So what if you’ve only ever been in same-gender relationships? There isn’t some secret “bisexuality test” you need to pass.

“Bisexuality is a spectrum,” says Zane. “All too often, we have this idea that being bi means you’re equally attracted to men and women. That’s not the case – it’s also exclusionary of nonbinary folks!”

Maybe you’re romantically attracted to one gender, but sexually attracted to all genders. Maybe you only fancy more than one gender sometimes, but not always. It doesn’t matter. You’re bisexuality is still valid even if it doesn’t look like the next person’s.

Apps! Apps! Apps!

Not used to being in “straight” spaces? Wouldn’t know how to approach someone of a different gender? Wouldn’t want to be with someone who freaks out when you tell them you’ve only ever been in gay relationships? The great thing about no longer living in the nineties is that we get to bypass all of the aforementioned, with apps.

“I’d state either in your bio or early upon talking to someone that you’ve only hooked up with people of the same gender, so this is new to you,” says Zane.

“They may reject you afterward, and so be it, but otherwise, you’ll be nervous when meeting up or hooking up with someone of a different gender for the first time. You want to be as comfortable as possible during the meetup, and the best way to do that is to let them know you’re new to all this!”

It can be helpful to date other bi folk

On the other hand, if you can’t be arsed explaining to some straight girl or guy exactly how many times you’ve eaten pussy or dick, Zane says it can be helpful to mainly date or hook up with other bi folk.

“My advice to everyone bi is to date other bi folk!” he says. “Especially if you’ve experienced biphobia when trying to date. That’s why I recommend listing you’re bi on your dating bios, so you attract other bi folks. As a woman you will get fetishised and constantly solicited for threesomes – just go ahead and block. As a guy, you’ll have signinant fewer matches when you list you’re bi, but you’ll notice you’ll match with many more bi folk, or you’ll match with men, women and non-binary folks who love dating bi guys!”

You might feel uncomfortable at first – and that’s normal

Every sexual and/or romantic experience is going to be different, regardless of gender or genitals or whatever else. That said, it’s normal and fine to feel nervous about hooking up or dating a different gender when you’re so used to living, laughing and loving with your own.

“We have to allow ourselves to sit with that discomfort,” says Tawney Lara, a bisexual sober sex and relationships writer. “I’m a big fan of honesty and communication. Tell your date or potential hook-up that you’re nervous or anxious. If they’re cold about it, they’re not worth your time. If they’re willing to listen and help you talk or laugh through it, they’re worthy of you!”

Remember: Dating a different gender doesn’t mean you’re no longer queer

Just because you might enter a “straight-passing” relationship or hook up, doesn’t mean you’re going to immediately start chugging Bud Lights, listening to tropical house and throwing gender reveal parties. You’re just as queer as you were yesterday.

“I experience biphobia from queer folks as much as I do from straight folks,” says Lara. “Bi folks are so misrepresented (until VERY recently) so that misunderstanding is somewhat understandable.”

“I think a struggle that happens often is that you no longer feel like you’re queer,” adds Zane.

“You’ll also struggle in gay spaces. I’m poly, and when I bring my boyfriend to the gay club, it’s awesome. When I bring my girlfriend, I feel like we’re strangers in this space, and we can’t make out otherwise we’ll appear like that disrespectful straight couple occupying a queer space. So my advice is to remember that you are still queer enough even when dating someone of the opposite gender and are in a ‘straight-passing’ relationship.”

And finally… enjoy yourself

Sex is supposed to be fun. That’s the whole point of it. It’s not a serious endeavour. It’s actually really weird and funny. So remember that even if you’re doing something new or unexpected, try not to overthink it too much.

It’s kind of a privilege that anybody gets to share your body in the first place, so as long as everything’s safe and consenting, put your pleasure first.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can we heal our pandemic trauma with kink?

Hard yes. Here’s why.

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

“I use kink as my hope for the future,” says Jade Sky, a 25-year-old living in New York. Between a cross-country move, changing jobs, and tenuous survival, the pandemic hit Sky hard — and kept hitting — as the exhaustion of isolation dragged on. A self-described “passionate sadist and curious masochist,” Sky turned inward during the pandemic and took what they call a Sadist’s Sabbatical of deep study, solo BDSM workshopping, and kinky research. For Sky, kink became on anchor in a time of deep uncertainty.

In her new docu-series, sex educator and erotic film director Madison Young puts Sky’s personal theory to the test: Can kink really heal our pandemic trauma?

The resounding answer? Absolutely.

Young released her new docu-series, Submission Possible in June of 2020. The pilot, shot nine months prior, aired just as the pandemic started in the U.S., halting production for the rest of the season. After consulting with COVID compliance officers, changing travel plans to stick to the West Coast, cutting back to a three-person skeleton crew and getting vaccinated in April 2021, Young felt safe enough to resume Submission Possible. Amid extra precautions, “there was just this extra tender desire to share our stories and connect after all the isolation we were coming out of,” Young says.

There’s a marked difference in the show’s tone after the pandemic sets in. Young, wearing a vulva-patterned COVID face mask, talks to passers-by on the streets of Seattle. Watching people open up about deeply personal, intimate subjects like safety and sex, while still masked, is a bit of a mindfuck. It feels normal to not see people’s faces anymore.

Submission Possible doesn’t shy away from challenging subjects — the pandemic is front and center, and so is systemic racism, social unrest, and hierarchy internal to queer and sex positive communities. For Sky, Submission Impossible is so exciting because of its complexity — and refusal to play into the toxic BDSM stereotypes they see in shows like Netflix’s Bonding. “I am so excited to see a show like this coming out. I’ve been looking for something that covers lots of ground, brings in voices that deserve to be heard, and really represents kinks and the people that practice them.”

As the show evolved, Young realized that the complex, messy stories she was exploring were offering more than just a pulse on the landscape of sex positivity. These stories could be used more widely to heal pandemic trauma. Kink itself is a sort of travel, an uneven roadmap full of not just precautions, ethics, and responsibility, but also joy and care.

Kink is a term that describes a variety of erotic practices, the most common of which fall under the BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism) umbrella. Kink, like queerness, is often resistant to any one, stable definition. But at its core, kink is consensual, erotic behavior that engages power in some way.

Kink, as a practice, has deep ties to LGBTQ+ communities, and like homosexuality, was pathologized as “sexual deviancy” in the DSM (the primary clinical manual of mental illness diagnoses). But kink’s capacity for healing has long been noted by not just community members and practitioners, but also by scholars and researchers. One 2013 study found that BDSM practitioners “were less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, [and] had higher subjective well-being” than the control group. Other practitioners use kink to process self harm, abuse, or sexual assault. Unlike traumatizing experiences where people aren’t able to control what happens to their bodies and mind, kink is all about creating a space where choice matters.

According to The Gender and Sexuality Therapy Center, the process of creating and experiencing consensual scenes and care allows the body to rewire the brain’s response to certain stimuli. Basically, this means that kink builds new, positive experiences “to heal and, in a sense, “overwrite” past traumatic ones.” This reclamation of both body and power can be an important opportunity for self-actualization and transformation.

Young identifies three key aspects of kink that can help people deal with pandemic trauma: negotiation, a forthcoming attitude about health status, and a sense of play. Negotiation is about identifying what is nourishing for your own body and communicating that to others, while holding that same space and regard for your potential play partners. It’s essentially an in-depth check in and a space to ask questions of yourself and others. Negotiation is also a part of informed consent, and pre-pandemic, it was used mostly to identify safe words, agree on safer sex practices, express hard boundaries, likes, and dislikes, and find mutually satisfying aftercare strategies.

An essential aspect of negotiation, Young says, is noting how the body reacts and feels to different hypothetical scenarios. Do you feel comfortable going to a play party where there will be 50 people inside? Do you feel comfortable renting a private dungeon with a partner? Do you feel comfortable attending an outdoor socially distanced porn screening where folks are masked and required to show their vax cards?

“With each of these we check in with ourselves and see in our bodies how each of these scenarios feel, and acquire the information and data we need to analyze our risk and make a decision,” says Young.

Likewise, the practice of sharing one’s status refers to the communal norm in kink spaces to disclose STI status and sometimes disability status in the interest of the safest sex possible. Kinksters are in general more used to not only asking tender questions, but also getting regular STI (and now Covid) tests. Of course, getting tested for COVID is scary — but realizing other communities have found ways to deal with, and manage, risks can be reassuring in uncertain times.

Unlike traumatizing experiences where people aren’t able to control what happens to their bodies and mind, kink is all about creating a space where choice matters.

Finally, Young talks about the art of play, “Whether it is a puppy or Mistress, Nurse, librarian, pony, or leather Daddy — stepping into a role and surrendering to a sense of play can be liberating, joyful and absolutely healing.” Play is something humans are born doing. Children emphasize play and learn to socialize through games and play-acting. Along the way— often somewhere between puberty and adulthood—the demands of capitalism get in the way and we stop playing. Kink is a chance for people like Sky to find joy again. “Kink encourages me to keep learning and hoping even when it feels like hope isn’t in easy supply,” says Sky. It was in that “erotic hope” that Sky found the “wonderful medicine” for their own healing.

Young’s strategies aren’t about sex, but about flexibility, risk management, and compassion. It’s not a coincidence that negotiation, disclosure, and play are easily adapted to pandemic times — these three strategies were developed by kink communities to protect one another and to extend basic compassion and respect to others. That’s exactly why shows like Submission Possible don’t just matter when we need individual healing — they also matter when we need to find a new normal together.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How I Negotiated Non-Monogamy In My Monogamous Relationship

By Zoe Ligon

After getting back from a trip, a friend of mine learned that her boyfriend had gone to a strip club and gotten a lap dance, which felt like a clear crossing of her boundaries within the relationship. The problem was that her boyfriend didn’t seem to think the strip club constituted a violation, wasn’t keeping it a secret, and was surprised by her reaction. After asking her about her relationship rules in their monogamous partnership, I realised that while this was a dilemma needing work, the real issue was that they had never had a conversation about what their boundaries even were.

I’ve been there before, too. As someone who has been in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, I know that those of us who default to monogamous partnerships are not equipped to set our own relationship boundaries. Perhaps it’s because “exclusive” monogamous relationships are a cultural norm, but we far too often rely on what we think relationships are supposed to look like, instead of what would work for us personally. I blame Hollywood romantic comedies in part, but no one really ever teaches us how to negotiate boundaries and advocate for our needs.

I am a person who has always felt somewhere between monogamous and non-monogamous, but my boyfriend leans closer to the monogamous side of the spectrum.

While all relationships encounter difficulties and struggles, it’s so very important for you to consciously choose your own boundaries instead of simply following social scripts. In order to do this, you must first focus on identifying, communicating, and negotiating your desires, both with yourself and your partner.

Monogamy and non-monogamy aren’t binary — we all fall somewhere along a spectrum. Perhaps your needs while together in the same city or state may differ greatly when one of you is travelling, or maybe your needs for romantic intimacy with others are different from your needs for sexual intimacy. Think of all your desires as they fit into different scenarios, and don’t limit yourself to just thinking about penetrative sex.

My boyfriend and I live together, but I travel much more than he does. I am a person who has always felt somewhere between monogamous and non-monogamous, but my boyfriend leans closer to the monogamous side of the spectrum. And even with my knowledge as a sex educator, I have still felt anxiety around negotiating my needs. I fear suppressing my own non-monogamous needs in order to not cause “drama,” but I know I won’t be as good of a partner to him if I’m unable to explore these feelings to a certain degree, and he is understanding of that.

I have lost count of how many conversations I’ve had with my current boyfriend, but I do remember some breakthrough moments. I’ll never forget how nervous I felt before I went on a long trip away from home for the first time after we began dating. I realized that what I really wanted was smooches, and other forms of physical intimacy that didn’t involve genital stimulation — like dancing!

I presented him my needs, and we worked out what parameters made us both feel comfortable. We felt the same about many things: no intimacy with people in-state, BDSM stuff (without fluid exchange) is permitted and does not need a check-in, and playing with women and non-binary folks is cool. And when it came to sex with cis men, it wasn’t off the table, it would just require a conversation. While different rules for playing with different genders is often an unfair double standard, it was just what felt right for both of us.

After establishing the things that were “yeses” and “nos,” I had even more questions! Did he want me to share with him about it? Was this a thing that was okay any time, or just when I was travelling? What if an out of state person came to our state? Did it matter if this person was a previous sweetie of mine? After running through all the details and hearing each other out, I felt a little funky due to the sheer candidness of the conversation, but also incredibly connected to and thoroughly prepared. And of course, we talked about his needs as well.

At first, it’s going to be awkward. Talking through all your needs and asking questions about your partner’s needs may not feel comfy and cosy, but it’ll help you be on the same page. It may help to explore hypothetical scenarios, but don’t spend too much time ruminating on things that haven’t happened yet. Focus more on what your desires and boundaries are, and what your feelings are as you share with each other. This isn’t a conversation that is a one and done type of thing, either. It’ll probably be ongoing throughout your partnership with that person.

After having negotiated relationship boundaries with my current boyfriend, I felt confident in knowing ways that I could explore my needs without fear of deceit. That didn’t mean feelings weren’t on the line — feelings can always happen — but at least I had a game plan.

Non-monogamy isn’t better or more “evolved” than monogamy, and it certainly isn’t easier.

Part of how I’ve learned to stand up for what I want and take inventory of my boyfriend’s feelings is by learning from my failures. In previous relationships, I felt guilty and suppressed my desires. I agreed to monogamous relationships for the sheer sake of not hurting my partner. In those relationships, I felt incredibly disconnected. No amount of love and attraction can erase the need for communication and negotiation.

Non-monogamy isn’t better or more “evolved” than monogamy, and it certainly isn’t easier. All kinds of relationships experience issues. But for those of us who feel it aligns with our identity, it’s worth the struggles, awkward moments, and even the jealous ones. If we communicate and prepare ourselves for the bumps, instead of pretending they’ll never happen, we’ll be far more equipped to work our way through them.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Simple Way For Couples To Know If They’re Having Enough Sex

By Kelly Gonsalves

Are we having enough sex?

If you’ve ever wondered this to yourself while in a relationship, you certainly wouldn’t be alone. Oftentimes the question comes up when there’s a feeling of disconnection in the relationship—a lack of excitement or “spark” between you—and a lack of sex may float to mind as a potential explanation.

But other times, people might feel pretty satisfied and content in their relationships, but outside influences—like hearing other people talk about how much or how little sex they’re having in their relationships—can make you start to question your own.

So we asked Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and marriage counselor, what she tells couples wondering about the amount of sex they are or aren’t having.

How much sex is “enough” for a healthy relationship?

First things first: Enough for who?

Zimmerman recommends thinking about how you’re defining the word “enough.” Is it based on comparisons with other people’s sex lives and trying to see if you’re “normal”?

“There is no normal. There is no ‘right’ amount of sex,” she says.

There’s no one magic number that will work for every single pair of people, and how often couples should be having sex will always vary depending on the specific needs of the specific people involved. Some people feel perfectly satisfied with sex once every few months, whereas others would consider that basically a sexless relationship. And of course, some people like having a sexless relationship, whether because they’re on the asexual spectrum or just prefer it that way. It all depends on the individual, and all preferences are valid.

Sometimes people might feel like they’re not having enough sex because they’re comparing their relationship to how it’s been in the past, Zimmerman adds, but even a decline in frequency doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem. “It’s normal for our sexual interest to change over time and to feel less intense desire,” she explains. Sometimes you’re just in a period of time when you don’t feel like having sex, and that’s perfectly OK.

The real question, she notes, is whether each partner individually feels like they’re having a satisfying amount of sex—whatever that looks like to them personally. Do you feel satisfied with your sex life as it is right now? Does your partner?

A helpful check-in.

One issue with the question of “how much sex is enough sex” is that it places the focus on the wrong thing, according to Zimmerman.

“I mean, what counts as sex anyway? If you’re focused on ‘the act’ (whatever that is for you) and the frequency of such, then you’re focused on the wrong thing,” she says. “It’s not just about ‘getting it done’ or checking the box. The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process, no matter what you do with your body parts and what the end result is.”

It’s less about whether you and your partner are engaging in a certain act a certain number of times. It’s about how connected the two of you feel and how much pleasure you’re getting to enjoy in your relationship.

So with that in mind, Zimmerman recommends asking yourself a more important question: Am I (and is my partner) having enough pleasure and connection?

“Consider whether you’d like more pleasure and whether you feel enough connection in your relationship. And ask your partner about whether they’d like more of those things,” she explains. “If so, prioritize that.”

That might mean having more sex more often, or any other number of ways to creatively bridge the gap. The point, as it always is when it comes to sex: Just focus on doing what actually makes you and your partner feel good.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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13 Things to Know About Female Orgasms

Including How to Find Yours

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

1. Is this a certain type of orgasm?

No, “female orgasm” is an all-encompassing term for any type of orgasm related to female genitalia.
It could be clitoral, vaginal, even cervical — or a mix of all three. That said, your genitalia isn’t your only option when it comes to achieving the big O.

Read on for tips on where to touch, how to move, why it works, and more.

2. It can be a clitoral orgasm

Direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris can lead to a clitoral orgasm. When you get your rub on just right, you’ll feel the sensation build in your pleasure bud and peak.

Try this

Your fingers, palm, or a small vibrator can all help you have a clitoral orgasm.

Make sure your clitoris is wet and begin gently rubbing in a side-to-side or up-and-down motion.

As it begins to feel good, apply faster and harder pressure in a repetitive motion.

When you feel your pleasure intensify, apply even more pressure to the motion to take yourself over the edge.

3. It can be a vaginal orgasm

Although few people are able to climax with vaginal stimulation alone, it sure can be fun trying!

If you’re able to make it happen, prepare for an intense climax that can be felt deep inside your body.

The front vaginal wall is also home to the anterior fornix, or A-spot.

Older research suggests that stimulating the A-spot can result in intense lubrication and even orgasm.

Try this

Fingers or a sex toy should do the trick. Since the pleasure comes from the vaginal walls, you’ll want to experiment with width. Do this by inserting an extra finger or two into the vagina, or try a sex toy with some extra girth.

To stimulate the A-spot, focus the pressure on the front wall of the vagina while sliding your fingers or toy in and out. Stick with the pressure and motion that feels the best, and let the pleasure mount.

4. It can be a cervical orgasm

Cervical stimulation has the potential to lead to a full-body orgasm that can send waves of tingly pleasure from your head to your toes.

And this is an orgasm that can keep on giving, lasting quite a while for some.

Your cervix is the lower end of your uterus, so reaching it means going in deep.

Try this

Being relaxed and aroused is key to achieving a cervical orgasm. Use your imagination, rub your clitoris, or let your partner work some foreplay magic.

The doggy-style position allows for deep penetration, so try being on all fours with a penetrative toy or partner.

Start off slow, gradually working your way deeper until you find a depth that feels good, and keep at it so the pleasure can build.

5. Or a mix of all the above

A combo orgasm can be achieved by pleasuring your vagina and clitoris simultaneously.

The result: a powerful climax that you can feel inside and out.

Be sure to supersize your combo by adding some other erogenous zones to the mix.

Try this

Use both your hands to double your pleasure, or combine fingers and sex toys. Rabbit vibrators, for example, can stimulate the clitoris and vagina at the same time and are perfect for mastering the combo orgasm.

Use parallel rhythms while playing with your clitoris and vagina, or switch it up with fast clitoral action and slow vaginal penetration.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Andropause Or Male Menopause?

4 Health Tips Men Should Follow To Manage This

Male Menopause: Andropause is characterized by low production of male sex hormone, testosterone which happens gradually over years.

By Nmami Agarwal

Andropause or commonly known as male menopause refers to the symptoms that men experience due to low production of male sex hormone, testosterone gradually over years. The condition is more prevalent after the age of 50 years. ‘Andras’ means human male in Greek, whereas ‘pause’ is cessation, therefore, andropause may also lead to reduced sexual drive and can also cause depression in some cases. Clinically, this condition is known as testosterone deficiency syndrome or androgen deficiency or hypogonadism.

Signs and symptoms one may experience while undergoing andropause:

  • Irritability and frequent mood swings
  • Loss of muscle mass leading to difficulties in exercising
  • Fat redistribution that can lead to belly fat or gynecomastia (male breasts)
  • Lack of pleasure, enthusiasm and energy
  • Increased chances of insomnia, fatigue
  • Poor short-term memory and inability to focus
  • Decreased bone density
  • Hot flashes or sweat
  • Baldness, loss of hair
  • Decreased testicular size

Many people confuse this condition with lifestyle or psychological factors. But, that’s not always the case. In fact, some of the unhealthy lifestyle choices can lead to andropause. These may include- smoking, obesity, alcohol use, sedentary lifestyle pattern, or some medications.

Dietary Intervention:

1. Optimum calcium intake

Optimising the intake of calcium can help you relieve out the symptoms of andropause. Foods like milk, sesame seeds, ragi, eggs, fish (sardines, salmon), broccoli, and different types of legumes are rich in calcium.

2. Healthy fats

Adequate intake of essential fatty acids can boost the production of testosterone hormone. Make sure to include healthy fats in the form of nuts, seeds, dairy, lean meat, eggs, grass-fed ghee, or butter in your diet. Moderation is the key.

3. Get the right dose of zinc

Zinc is an essential mineral that serves the function of maintaining reproductive health and creating a balance of hormones including testosterone. The deficiency of zinc can also lead to an altered mood state. Zinc is readily found in seafood, legumes, nuts, seeds, and dark chocolate.

4. Maintain a healthy weight

Being overweight is a root cause of major health problems. So, make sure to maintain your weight to its normal in order to reduce the symptoms of andropause. Try to control your portion size and reduce the consumption of processed junkies, foods rich in artificial sweeteners, and bad fats from your diet.

Treatment

Testosterone supplements or hormone replacement therapy may be advised for some males but it may come with its own set of side effects and should not be done without doctor’s consultation. Your doctor is the best one to decide on the right course of treatment. Some therapies like CBT can be referred to such patients, it is a form of talk therapy that helps patients in dealing with signs of stress or anxiety.

The bottom-line

A balanced diet and a healthy lifestyle cannot be stressed enough for their importance. Small yet affirmative lifestyle changes can help regulate testosterone function, and may also improve sperm quality and fertility.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What No One Tells You About Sex After Breast Cancer

Treatment can rob women of their breasts, libidos, and self-confidence — here’s how they’re reclaiming their sex lives in the face of it all.

By Jessica Zucker

Carmen Risi, 40, knew there was a good chance she’d one day sit across from a doctor and hear that she had cancer. Her grandmother died from breast cancer, her mother and aunt were both diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and in 2019 she found out she was positive for the BRCA1 gene — an inherited variant that puts people at a much higher risk of developing certain cancers. As a result, Risi spent two years undergoing routine cancer monitoring — every six months, she’d receive an MRI or a mammogram.

In April of 2021, one such MRI found what Risi would later learn was breast cancer.

In addition to six grueling rounds of chemotherapy, Risi decided to take a hormone therapy shot, in order to preserve her fertility in the hopes of soon growing her family — she started IVF before treatment began and has plans for an embryo transfer once she’s done.

One major side effect of the drug? The loss of her sex life as she knew it.

“Lupron has put me into a temporary menopause — complete with hot flashes and a vagina that has completely atrophied,” Risi explains. She wasn’t exactly given a heads up, either. “I have pages of notes about the side effects these various drugs will have on me that I was handed by my doctor,” Risi says. “But there were no notes on how it would affect my sex life. None.”

Shari Goldfarb, M.D., an oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, says many women simply don’t realize the sexual side effects that come along with various breast cancer treatments. That’s why she makes sure to discuss with her patients, upfront, the possibility of menopausal symptoms and sexual challenges, such as vaginal dryness and decreased libido. She also encourages her patients to be proactive by using non-hormonal moisturizers, lube, vaginal dilators, and vibrators to make them feel more comfortable about having penetrative sex when they’re ready.

But the emotional side effects can be just as jarring. The temporary menopause combined with the loss of libido thrust Risi into a deep depression that she says left her thinking, “‘What’s wrong with me?'”

Madeline Cooper, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, says it’s common for cancer patients to experience depression — as well as other mental health struggles — as a result of receiving a cancer diagnosis. “The first thing I tell my clients is that it is normal to go through a grief and mourning period,” Cooper tells InStyle. Being slapped with a breast cancer diagnosis that, for some, is intimately wrapped up in one’s identity as a woman, can affect so many parts of her life: a change in her body, expression of sensuality, sexual desire, pleasure, body image, the list goes on. “You might need to adapt to a new sexual style with your partner, and this might feel like a loss.”

Of course, not everyone already has a committed romantic partner in their life when they receive their cancer diagnosis and undergo treatment. Chiara Riga was a single 27-year-old when she was told last year that she had stage 4, metastatic breast cancer. While her healthcare providers believe she has between 10 to 15 years to live, her diagnosis is terminal, which, needless to say, makes dating — and sex — particularly fraught.

“I’m casually using dating apps, but there are so many different layers to what makes it a struggle for me,” Riga tells InStyle. “There’s the first layer, which is zero libido. Kids are off the table for me, too — certainly biological kids, but there’s also the ethics of adopting a child knowing that my disease is terminal. Then there’s the issue of ‘when do you disclose?’ and ‘how do I disclose?’ I want to date in order to be able to escape this dark reality I’m living in.”

Part of Riga’s treatment, which she will undergo until the end of her life, suppresses her ovaries and estrogen, because her cancer is hormone-fed. This means she is in full-blown menopause, which has essentially eradicated her desire to have sex. And while Riga says she actually doesn’t miss it, the want and ability to have sex would make her dating life much simpler and a hell of a lot more fun. Breast cancer, in a sense, has eliminated frivolous sexual encounters, by shifting the focus from sexual pleasure to long-term support through partnership.

“Who in their late twenties or early thirties is looking for ‘just a partner’? I think [wanting to have sex] would make dating much easier for me,” she explains. “And I do think for the right person, the right relationship really, I’d try to figure something out. I just haven’t found the right person for that yet.”

Even for those who do have a long-term partner — and a libido — to navigate the process with, redefining what sex looks like after breast cancer takes effort. For Risi, that meant finding other ways to experience orgasm (ahem, clitoral stimulation) with her partner once penetrative sex became too painful during chemotherapy. And after her forthcoming double mastectomy, Risi knows she’ll have to contend with not just the loss of her breasts, but the sexual pleasure they bring her. “I don’t want to lose my breasts. I don’t want to lose feeling. My breasts [stimulate me sexually], so to lose that forever is incredibly daunting,” she says, despite knowing it’s the best decision based on her risk factors.

According to Cooper, this reaction is common. Cancer treatments can often be associated with many types of “loss” — be it loss of libido, breasts, hair, a sense of sexiness, comfort in one’s body, identity even — and that loss, even if some are temporary, can be overwhelming at best.

“Breasts and hair can [contribute to] a woman feeling sexy and confident about her body, and this might shift with the loss of either,” she explains. “These changes could cause one’s body image to become a source of feeling turned off rather than turning herself on, and this can reduce sexual desire overall.”

Learning to love her body and reconnect with her sexual desire is something that Mary Purdie, 38, was already contending with when she was hit with the whiplash of breast cancer in January of 2018. In fact, it was during a new morning ritual — looking at her naked body in the mirror — that she first noticed a lump in her breast. “I was trying to appreciate my body, even though it was causing me so much pain,” Purdie tells InStyle.

After she was diagnosed with stage 1A invasive ductal carcinoma, she underwent a lumpectomy, radiation, and multiple rounds of chemotherapy. She was also put on a long-term hormone-blocking treatment called tamoxifen — a daily oral medication she has to take for at least five years. And while she was able to keep her breasts, and therefore felt more physically “whole” — her libido went out the window.

“Our sex life was already kind of on shaky ground after the last miscarriage, because my body had gone through so much and most of the sex that we were having in the past year or two was strictly for the sake of conceiving and not really for pleasure in any sort of organic way — it was scheduled,” Purdie explains. “So going from that to cancer treatment, it was like, ‘Well, how do we even get back to the honeymoon phase?'”

For Purdie, it was by allowing her husband (of three and a half years at the time) to take care of her. “I was generally the person who was cooking and cleaning. I took care of our house. But that all changed when I was going through chemo — he did everything all of a sudden,” she says. “And those acts of service helped to build intimacy. I could just lay there and be miserable and I knew he was going to take care of me, and that was such a huge showing of his love.”

According to Dr. Goldfarb, experiencing this kind of non-sexual, emotional support from a partner tends to increase the amount of intimacy a patient feels during and after treatment — and can indirectly benefit their sex life too. “Assurances like ‘I love you unconditionally’ and ‘I’m in this with you — I am here to support you through this’ are really important, because patients often worry that a cancer diagnosis will [damage] their relationships,” Dr. Goldfarb adds. “I have seen relationships get closer in times of turmoil and illness when significant others are supportive.”

She says that in addition to simply being there — reminding her to take her medications, sitting with her through chemotherapy treatments, cooking, cleaning — her husband’s patience and attention to the little things also helped, not just in making her feel closer to him but making her feel more comfortable in her body and, eventually, being sexual. He deferred to her in bed — he let her take the lead.

“In the evenings it would often turn into a moment together that, even if it was brief, was a chance for us to be physically intimate,” she adds. “It felt good to tap into that sense of normalcy that we had before cancer and before miscarriages.”

Risi is also determined to maintain her sex life — no matter what changes to her body breast cancer may bring. She grew up in what she describes as a conservative Christian community where women were “taught to be modest” and that “sexuality wasn’t something you should even think about until you’re married.” Risi got married at 28, and says that, as a result, she spent years muting her own sexuality.

“I’m so mad that I lost a part of my sexuality to religion in my youth, and I’m losing sexual function and desire to cancer. It’s maddening,” she adds. “But I know my husband will still want to love and touch on whatever my new breasts are, even if I don’t have a specific feeling there. And I think I will enjoy that, because there’s intimacy there, even if there isn’t sensation.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why don’t we talk about high female sex drives in relationships?

by Jasmine Wallis

It’s time for a role reversal.

The other week one of my friends jumped into my DMs.

“I keep having sex dreams because I’m so horny.”

She was venting to me, frustrated at her long-term male partner for not wanting sex as much as she did.

“It’s so annoying because I don’t want to force him or make him feel guilty.”

As a society, we often talk about the peer pressure that cis-women feel when it comes to heterosexual sex. Putting out as a teen before you’re ready so you don’t get dumped, the all too common complaints of “blue balls”. But what happens when the roles are reversed? Why do some women feel guilt, shame or even embarrassment over having a higher sex drive than their cisgender male partners?

I pose this question to Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach and your local big sister on the internet, G.Spot. “Shame is a feeling that a lot of people feel when it comes to sex and sexuality,” Georgia says.

The week I speak to Georgia, the sex educator has been (serendipitously) sharing content around shame. “A few common themes have emerged” she notes. “Religion informing people that sex should be between a man and a woman when they’re married, political ideas, limited sex education or the messages they’ve been sent around sex by social groups or sexual experiences. These ideas of shame are multi-faceted.”

Biological differences?

So basically, shame is conditioned. But what about my friend, why does she feel frustrated that her partner doesn’t have the same libido as her? Throughout my research on this topic, I began to realise (due to my woeful public school sex education) that I don’t even know if there is a biological difference between libidos in the sexes.

“No. There’s no biological difference,” Georgia explains. “It’s incredibly common, normal and human, for a person with a vulva to have a higher desire for sex than a cisgender man or a person with a penis.

“Using this idea that biologically, cis-women and cis-men have different desires for sex comes down to the fact that we confuse desire and arousal.”

Georgia says that, basically, desire is what we understand as wanting sex i.e. you’re horny. Arousal, however, is the physiological response that shows up in your body like an erect penis or lubricated vagina.

The difference is that for people with penises, this arousal can happen almost instantly or within a few minutes, but Georgia explains that people with vulvas can take between 20 to 40 minutes to be “fully physiologically aroused”.

This means there’s no difference in our drives but rather in the time it takes our bodies to respond to what’s going on in our environment.

Different strokes for different folks

In sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are (yes, the book that Maeve Wiley recommends to Aimee Gibbs in the latest season of Sex Education) she shares there are different types of desires that humans can feel.

One is spontaneous desire. This means that it just arrives out of the blue, it can happen instantly without much external stimulation. Emily notes that “75 per cent of men experience spontaneous desire compared to 15 per cent of women”.

The second type of desire is responsive sexual desire. This means the drive shows up in response to the outside environment i.e. seeing an image or video, looking at your partner on date night or being kissed. Emily found that five per cent of men and 30 per cent of women experience this responsive desire.

And finally, there’s contextual sexual desire. This is the reason why you may not feel turned on after a stressful day or a huge meal.

With humans feeling a range of desires that can change every day, there are many reasons why your libido may not always match up to your partner’s.

“A lot of people self diagnose themselves as having low or no desire. But they’re actually just experiencing responsive desire, and they’re not getting enough stimulus in order to bring sex front of mind,” Georgia says.

Being a sex coach, Georgia recommends that couples who are having issues in the bedroom seek professional help. It doesn’t mean anyone is ‘broken’ but it gives a safe space to learn more about communication around sex.

“I think we should be normalising that every single couple will have different levels or different experiences of desire,” says Georgia. “It’s pretty rare that you desire sex at the exact same time as your partner, but by learning about what you both need you can have a really fulfilling sex life.”

Moving past shame

From the movies where the wife constantly “has a headache” or the TV show where the girlfriend bribes the male character with sex for something in return, we’re sold the idea from a young age that men want sex more than women.

Georgia also notes that the patriarchy assumes that “women do not want and should not enjoy sex” and if they do then they’re slut-shamed. Couple this with the orgasm gap and we’re all as confused (and frustrated) as ever.

At the end of the day, these stereotypes we have around gender and sex don’t help anyone. Cisgender men may feel less ‘manly’ if they don’t desire sex at the same rate as their cisgender female partners while cisgender women may feel shame or ‘too much’ when they’re asking for sex more often.

The week we spoke, Georgia shared this quote from American professor Brené Brown on her Instagram feed: “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”

By speaking about libido and desire with your partner, to your friends or with a therapist, we can continue to break down these outdated stereotypes, stop feeling shameful for something natural and have more fulfilling sex lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Really Mean To Be A Bottom?

By Gina Tonic

I remember a Tumblr post that changed my view of vaginas forever, as Tumblr posts are wont to do when you’re 16 years old and on the family computer late at night. The user was analysing the semantics of how we talk about sex. Why, they wanted to know, is sex always considered to be a penis penetrating a vagina? Why are penises always dominant but vaginas always submissive? What if we flip the narrative? What if the vagina envelops or engulfs the phallus? What if the penis is the submissive one of the pair?

This heteronormative example can be easily applied to queer relationships, too. The one who receives is the ‘bottom’, the one who gives is the ‘top’. The language lends itself to the stereotypes that the former is the submissive and the latter is the dominant. Indeed, the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ are often used interchangeably with the labels ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ – but is this always true? And is it a fair assumption?

In 2018 an Autostraddle survey discovered that 47.4% of lesbian bottoms prefer not to be actively ‘in control’ during intercourse and only 41% of bottoms identified themselves as kinky.

Nate, a trans man who identifies as a switch, contributed to the survey with an important clarification: “Bottoming definitely doesn’t automatically mean anything kinky (same for topping), while submissive (and dominant) mean something more specifically related to kink and power play.”

I think what tops do – give rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive than bottoming.
Bethan, 26

Fran, 25, a submissive queer woman from London, believes this distinction is incredibly important not just for shagging purposes but also on a queer liberation front. “Top and bottom are umbrella terms for giving and receiving,” she tells me. “But I feel these terms stem from attempts of fitting WLW (women-loving-women) relationships into a heteronormative stereotype. I strongly oppose this so I prefer to call myself submissive instead of a bottom.”

Once again the stereotype is that receiving is a traditionally female act in heterosexual relationships and, in turn, being the ‘woman’ of the relationship is an inherently submissive role. This conflation stinks of sexism of a bygone era where woman is seen as lesser than man and so to receive is to be weaker, too.

Lucy Rowett, a UK clinical sexologist working with sexual wellness brand Pleasy Play, asks us to reconsider the act of bottoming and submissiveness in general as a rebellion against outdated gender roles. “Remember that if you are in a lesbian relationship or you are a queer woman, you are already defying gender roles and expectations. What if you could embrace being a bottom as another form of defiance against this and being true to yourself?” she enthuses.

“Regardless of sexuality or gender, of whether kink such as BDSM is involved, the more bottoms or submissives you speak to, you’ll find a commonality: they share a feeling of freedom,” she adds.

In short, she says, by embracing acts that only bring us pleasure, that bring us freedom, we can find a subversive kind of liberation and power in being a submissive or a bottom.

However it isn’t always true that a woman is the ‘receiver’ in a heteronormative relationship. It is possible for two cis straight or bisexual people to be in a relationship where the man prefers to receive and the woman prefers to give (see: pegging).

So what to do? The problem with dismissing these labels as ‘heterosexual’ reminds me of the 1970s lesbian feminists who rallied against ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ monickers, arguing that they mimicked straight relationship roles. That’s a discourse that remains controversial today but is an outdated way of looking at queerness. The identities of femme and butch remain important to our community, our history and our identities. Dismissing the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ from queer language altogether feels, to me, like a repetition of these past mistakes.

“I think the act of giving is more submissive,” says 26-year-old Bethan, a submissive bisexual based in London. “What tops do – give, rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive… Like if a woman is sitting on your face and using you for her pleasure, that feels like a dominant act.”

Again, the language we use to describe our sexual gratification plays an important role. Does a bottom ‘receive’ or do they ‘take’? To push this idea further, the submissive in a kink relationship has the ultimate power over the sexual play taking place. They are the one setting boundaries, expressing what they want and having a safe word. When all is said and done, they are the decision-maker in the bedroom. The fun comes from pretending that they are not in charge at all.

@theayapapaya My humor lately has only consisted of pegging jokes I’m sorry #fyp #foryoupage #superbowlliv #couplegoals #groupchat #boyfriend♬ original sound – teresaatm_

You’ll find this idea in the pop culture that is developing around pegging, too. Pegging memes suggest that there are a lot more men who adore penetration than our limited secondary school sex education allowed us to imagine. Traditionally, there has been a lot of stigma surrounding pegging too. The same problem that lesbians describe with the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ dynamic is repeated here: assuming that being penetrated equals submission implies that taking on the ‘female’ role is automatically a submissive act. This not only couches submissiveness as a negative but implies that being female is a negative, too. The reality is that submission and being a woman do not necessarily go hand in hand; otherwise, as Fran puts it, “you would never see female doms.”

@blaire_gamemy man’s says hi tiktok #LiftYourDream #18plus #pegtok♬ There is very little left of me – Larsen

Jessica*, a 28-year-old submissive woman from Manchester who also likes to don strap-ons, explains that pegging does not have to be a part of power play at all. “I have always been submissive in bed, to the point where being dominant makes me feel extremely uncomfortable,” she tells me. “That said, I really loved pegging my ex-boyfriend – who was also my dom – and it didn’t take away from my submissiveness at all.”

“As our relationship dynamic was already firmly set, it felt natural and even submissive in a certain sense to be the one giving him pleasure in such an intimate way,” she continues. “Although many people who want to be pegged may be submissive, I think it is important to recognise that it is possible to peg without giving up those subby feelings.”

Ness Cooper, a sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach at The Sex Consultant, confirms that decisions about who tops, who bottoms, who doms and who subs can only be made by those within the relationship. “If you’re both into power play consensually then sure, use the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ freely if you prefer them to ‘dom’ and ‘sub’,” she says.

Ness continues to highlight the importance of looking within your relationship and deciding what works for you. “Remember we are influenced greatly by what we see and read outside in the world when it comes to sexuality,” she continues, “but taking time to learn about yourself can be helpful as no one else knows fully about your world when it comes to how you see sexuality and sex.”

What’s more, the only people who need to know how you describe your sexuality and how you interact with sex are the ones you are being intimate with. A label is far from a cause to force yourself into participating in a dynamic you might not be enjoying or even comfortable with. As long as the sex you’re having is consensual and pleasurable, titles can mean whatever you want them to mean.

As Jessica and Ness lay out, the dynamic between a couple – be that top and bottom, dom and sub or any other kind of role you like to take on – is as unique as the relationship. Lumping labels together only diminishes the highly personal nature of each connection and can lead to invalidating those who don’t fit in with strict definitions of sex and kink roles.

*Name changed to protect identity Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Has your relationship lost its sexual spark?

Here’s how to bring it back and escape your dry spell

Don’t panic if you’re in a dry spell

By

Feel like your relationship is in a rut, sex-wise?

You’re certainly not alone.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s natural for your sex life to go through ups and downs.

But when you’re in a low point, things can feel a bit dismal.

A recent survey from Burton Constable Holiday Park (don’t ask us why they’re doing this bit of research, we’re not sure either) found that 22% of respondents said their relationship spark had disappeared.

The number one cause given for this? A lack of physical affection. Perhaps PDA is worth giving a go… or just more physical intimacy at home, if you’re not keen on putting on a display.

Other reasons confessed for a lull included not going on enough dates with their partner, a shortage of communication, and not having enough one-on-one time.

Relationship expert Hayley Quinn suggested that to remedy this issue, couples should go on regular holidays together.*

*Okay, now we understand why a holiday park commissioned this research.

‘I don’t think many couples put the time and effort into reigniting romance, which isn’t a criticism; it’s difficult when you have to deal with life admin,’ says Hayley. ‘Spending time to create romance easily falls to the bottom of the pile.’

While a romantic getaway does sound nice, it’s not your only option for escaping a sexual dry spell.

We chatted with relationship expert and author Lucy Beresford for her wisdom.

Try not to take a dry spell personally

There are so, so many reasons why sex might not be happening as frequently as it used to. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Lucy tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Recognise that sex is complex and may be about stress or lack of confidence on the part of your partner, so less to do with you and how desirable you are.

‘Focus on adoring yourself and treating yourself with love and respect, so that you are not reliant on how your partner feels about you.’

Have an honest conversation

It’s tough when you feel like you’re the only one struggling with your relationship’s lack of sexual passion.

The first step to sorting this out is acknowledging that there’s an issue.

‘The right amount of sex is different for every couple, so start by having conversations about the current situation to find out how your partner feels and to state your own needs gently,’ Lucy says.

‘Make sure you have these conversations when you both have time to give each other space to state your needs and listen to each other, and keep the focus positive and with no judgement or blame.

‘Explore whether your partner feels the lack of sex is because of a non-sexual relationship issue. For example if they feel you’re distracted, not making time for them, or not supporting them emotionally, you both need to work together on that issue first.’

Ditch guilt, blame, and shame

Stop beating yourself up for not having an allnight sex session every other day.

‘Remember that we often make the mistake of believing everyone else – particularly people we see on social media – have the perfect relationship with tons of sex,’ says Lucy. ‘But in truth, many couples haven’t had sex in weeks, months, or even since the pandemic started.

‘Studies show that as many as 15% of couples are suffering from a sexless relationship. So have compassion for all that you and your partner have gone through this past 18 months, and recognise that you are doing the right thing to address this now.’

Check your language

Related to the above, make sure that when you’re chatting with your partner about your sex life, you’re not assigning blame.

Lucy advises: ‘Use ‘I’ phrases (“I have loved it when…”) rather than “you” phrases (‘you never/always…’). This can help avoid your partner feeling attacked or blamed.’

Come up with some action points

Sounds formal, we know, but make a concrete plan of how you’re going to bring back the sexual spark.

Lucy suggests: ‘Examples include making a promise to always kiss before one of you leaves the house or gets back home, or take an evening to just focus on gazing at each other, or stroke each other, to take the pressure of feeling like you have to have full-on penetrative sex.’

Take small steps to get more physical

When you’re going through a dry spell, just initiating sex can feel like an impossible hurdle – especially if you’ve always relied on your partner to get things started.

Get rid of the pressure by focusing on smaller acts of physical intimacy.

‘Skin-on-skin contact, whether it’s kissing, hand-holding, a massage, or stroking, has a hugely beneficial effect on strengthening the bond of affection, without ramping up the expectation that it has to be about sex,’ notes Lucy.

‘Baby steps as you both get back into the rhythm of sexual activity is more important than going straight for full-on intimacy.’

Check in with your own confidence levels

‘Focus on your own body confidence, which may have slipped during the lack of sex,’ Lucy tells us.

Make sure you’re feeling comfortable getting naked, and perhaps have some self-love time to get your self-image back to a healthy place.

Focus on fun

If you’re stressing out about having the ‘right’ amount of mindblowing sex, you’re on the wrong track.

Get rid of the pressure to orgasm – or to even have penetrative sex, if that feels a bit much for you right now.

Instead, challenge yourself and your partner to have some fun, get intimate, and see what feels good – no pressure, no rush.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Common Sexual Health Issue You Probably Didn’t Know About

By Ondine Jean-Baptiste

Have you ever headed back to your date’s place after a sultry night out, ready to have a good time — only to struggle getting there physically? The connection is there, but you just cannot get yourself aroused no matter how much you want to. You might be left feeling embarrassed at this momentary impotence, kicking yourself for potentially signaling to the other party that you just aren’t that into them when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The technical term for this feeling is arousal non-concordance, which is essentially the disconnect between the mental or emotional response and the body’s response to sexual stimuli. In addition to the aforementioned scenario, arousal non-concordance can also refer to the opposite effect — when the body is responding physically to sexual activity or touches (vaginal lubrication, for example) but the desire is not there or the mind is saying no.

Sexual wellness educator Catriona Lygate explains that while people often tend to use the words “desire” and “arousal” interchangeably, there is a marked difference between the two. By her definition, sexual arousal is a physical state of being, and something one can sometimes not have conscious control over. Desire on the other hand, is psychological. We can desire a second scoop of ice cream after dinner, less work hours, or the neighbor three doors down. This is a conscious want individuals do have control over.

Learning and understanding the desire-arousal distinction are crucial in troubleshooting any issues in communication. Culturally, many are socialized to believe that talking about sexual likes and dislikes is awkward, embarrassing, and unnecessary; that if sexual chemistry is present, the people involved will naturally know how to please each other. In practice, this is not always the case. Arousal actually involves a tricky combination of many contextual factors such as your mood, headspace, your emotions about the relationship with the other person(s), and distinct turn-ons that play on your senses like smell, taste, and touch.

Researcher and author Emily Nagoski popularized the term arousal non-concordance in 2015 when she first published Come As You Are; however this phenomenon has existed for as long as humans have been getting busy. To describe how sexual response works, in her book, Nagoski goes into the dual control model which involves a gas pedal and a brake. Any time your brain receives information that’s even slightly sex-related (like right now), it sends a signal varying in intensity to “hit the gas” and feel arousal. Simultaneously, your brain is also hitting the brakes based on all the external factors in the moment that may indicate it’s a bad idea to be turned on right now. She explains that being turned on relies on so much subjective messaging from our environment.

Many have been in situations where they might not be in the mood for any sexual activity, but a caress or knowing touch in the right spot can elicit an instant response from their body. You might not want to become intimate, but physical changes can be interpreted otherwise. After understanding arousal non-concordance (the disconnect between mind and body reactions), however, it is evident that bodily arousal is not always an indicator as to whether someone wants to initiate or continue sexual acts.

Nagoski actually digs into this further in a blogpost subsequent to her 2015 book, stating that genital response is, again, not primarily about desire or pleasure but sexual “relevance” (meaning presence of sexual stimuli). The stimulation that gets our bodies going in any given moment might be unwanted, but it has no true bearing on one’s sexual fantasies. If bodily arousal appears to be a false “green light” as previously mentioned, then arousal non-concordance is the yellow, signaling that it’s time to slow down and have a conversation. “It is crucial to know and remind yourself that you are not broken, damaged, or flawed if you experience arousal non-concordance,” shares psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri.

What if the roles are reversed and it’s your partner who is aroused but verbally communicates they do not want to proceed? Listen and respect their limits. Dr. Balestrieri says, “Make note of the context in which you experience non-concordance, so you can be more readily prepared to discuss with a partner, set boundaries that align with your mental and emotional desire, and remain convicted of your own truth about non-consensual experiences.” And if your partner is not aroused but verbally communicates they do want to proceed? Focus on their pleasure. Use this time to ask them what they desire and focus on their erogenous zones during foreplay.

For any instances of arousal non-concordance, the lesson here is to always communicate. If you are experiencing this issue in any form, confiding that information is important to establish understanding between you and your partner. It doesn’t have to ruin the vibe — this is the perfect opportunity to learn something new about each other by offering an alternative. Perhaps this moment helps you realize some sexual trauma ignored early on is resurfacing, and thus preventing you from feeling comfortable enough to take that next step of intimacy. “It can be helpful to work with a sex therapist or to seek assistance from an OB/GYN or urologist if you experience arousal non-concordance frequently, or if you feel distress as a result, especially if you have a history of trauma and feel confused by your body’s reaction,” Balestrieri recommends.

At a time where sex seems on everyone’s minds after months of isolation and anxiety, talking about arousal non-concordance may ease any apprehension one might have about sexual satisfaction and can create realistic expectations when meeting someone new. Remember that genital response does not always equal sexual desire, and you should be looking for clear, verbal consent before getting down to business. Any temporary awkwardness is better than misconstruing what your sexual partner wants at that moment, and communication is key to making your partner feel safe and comfortable. Context is crucial when getting in the right frame of mind to set the mood, so don’t be shy — ask what your partner wants! When both pleasure and desire are present for all parties, it’s a guaranteed great time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!