Tag: Relationship Advice

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Queer people have mastered sexual friendships

— and it’s time you straights caught on

Allow me to impart some wisdom upon the cishet masses.

By Ian Kumamoto

I’ve slept with most of my friends. I mean that literally — I’ve shared a bed and cuddled with nearly all of them. I know who likes to be a little spoon and who prefers to be a big spoon; I also know how loud each of them snores. On top of that, I’ve made out with a good chunk of them, given oil massages to some and had full-on sex with others. To me and many other queer people, this shit is normal. Physical, sometimes erotic, touch, is an integral part of many of our friendships. From what I gather, sexual friendships still pretty uncommon outside of the LGBTQ community — what’s this all about?

To be fair, for straight identifying people, there’s an entire culture built around an obsession with sex and what it means to have it. Non-queers seem terrified of being “friend-zoned,” which is lackluster way of saying that someone they think owes them sex doesn’t want to sleep with them. I want to avoid broadly generalizing — especially since gay men are stereotyped as sex-crazed and outlandishly promiscuous — but these constructs that I describe are very real. When my straight friends have sex with each other, I am always sure of one thing: They either feel like they have to end the friendship or they decide to get into a long-term monogamous situation. But what if neither of those options serve them?

Whenever I see these friends face this dilemma, I want to scream into the void. It doesn’t need to be this way. By thinking that they need to choose between cutting off a friendship or ascribing more meaning to it purely because there’s sex involved, they’re robbing themselves of all the glorious nuance that can exist in a physically intimate friendship.

I’m just going to say it: Queer people are better at navigating sexual grey areas. Could non-queers learn a thing or two about friendship from us? I asked some experts to help me dole out some sage advice on fostering a sexual friendship without all the drama. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

Sex doesn’t have to be the defining factor of your relationships

Mainstream American culture has taught us that physical intimacy outside of our family has to be sexual. Something as simple as kissing a friend will get most Americans flustered, where in many cultures around the world, kissing on the cheek or even holding hands is devoid of sexual meaning. Not here, where we draw the line at chest bumps and where “no homo” became the mantra of a generation.

Queer Americans, broadly speaking, have been able to free ourselves of those constraints. “The queer community formed as a community precisely because they were prohibited from touching each other. They came together to touch each other,” Thomas Roach, a professor of philosophy and cultural studies at Bryant University and author of “Friendship as a Way of Life,” tells me. In the U.S., queerness was criminalized for a long time and many queer people still experience rejection from their families.

For that reason, friendships became a primary source of physical touch as well as a means of survival. Sex still matters, obviously, but it’s peripheral to the strong emotional bonds we have to forge with others in our community. “One salient aspect of queer friendship is that sex is not necessarily the fulcrum around which a relationship turns. Sex is not necessarily the make or break of a queer friendship, nor is it the great definitional divider of friend versus lover,” Roach tells me. “Friendship is formless, amoeba-like, and can be invented from A to Z. Unlike romantic relationships and marriage — which are overburdened with cis-hetero courtship rituals and scripts — friendship is ours to create. And queers have been incredibly innovative in this regard!”

When we let go of the idea that friendships are inferior to romantic and monogamous relationships, we can start to expand the possibilities of what we want our friendships to look like. Sometimes, that can involve sex.

I found a great amount of truth in Roach’s observations: My most intimate and freeing relationships are with queer friends and the same time, none of them are strictly defined by sex (or the lack thereof). If I do have sex with a friend, it’s almost a way of showing them how much I love them as a friend. I realize that this is completely counterintuitive to how most heterosexual people are taught to navigate the world, but in the absence of scripts, my most authentic emotions have been able to thrive.

Strong friendships come from a shared understanding of the world

Roach also points out that recent history has proven the importance of queer friendships. From Stonewall, to the AIDS crisis to the Pulse nightclub shooting, queer people are constantly reminded that we are not beloved by all. This feeling of shared estrangement creates a foundation for deeper connection and might explain another phenomenon among us: we are generally much better at staying friends with our exes. That’s because we’re also more likely to have shared identity-affirming experiences outside of the romantic relationship itself — maybe our former partner took us to our first gay club or they taught us how to have safer sex.

The future of friendships looks pretty queer

Thinking about the intimacy of queer friendships also got me thinking about the future of friendships in general. As queerness becomes less stigmatized and the need for LGBTQ-specific spaces disappear, will queer friendships lose thier spark and start to resemble heterosexual ones? Will we even have anything to bond over down the line, once we have all our rights?

Maybe, or maybe not. But I doubt that we’ll have to grapple with this question in our lifetime. “As much as queerness has become more mainstream, there is so much anti-trans legislation circulating at this moment in time,” Ariella Serur, a queer dating coach, tells me. “There is still an epidemic of violence against trans folks, particularly trans women of color, so non-stigmatization still feels far away for the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole.” She’s right.

As long as there are attacks against anyone in our community, friendship is likely to remain the foundation of our culture. Instead of thinking about the heterosexualiztion of queer friendships, a more likely outcome, I hope, is that there will be a queering of heterosexual friendships. A staggering 15% of Gen-Z identifies as LGBTQ, more than any generation before it. I can’t help but feel that more people are realizing the limitations of a label as reductive as “straight” and looking for a way out.

Queerness frees us up to express ourselves in infinite ways. It also allows us to see physical touch as a means, rather than an end. “If there’s anything to celebrate about the modern LGBTQ community, and if queer culture has anything significant to contribute to the long history of intimacy rites and rituals, it’s an inventive ethics of queer intimacy,” Roach tells me. “It’s an ethic that can yield great pleasure and deep love.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Not in the mood?

Study reveals how couples communicate when desire is low

by Blake Eligh

A new study from U of T Mississauga pulls back the covers to reveal how couples communicate when it comes to sex and desire.

The study by psychology researcher Rebecca Horne, co-authored with colleagues at UTM, York University and Carleton University, looks at how regulate expression of sexual desire, and what effect these tactics have on relationship well-being.

A Vanier Scholar and Ph.D. researcher, Horne studies how couples resolve through sacrifice, when one person gives up their own self-interest or for a partner, and what effect this has on the relationship.

Her ongoing work is a longitudinal study of the sacrifices couples make when relocating for the sake of a partner’s job. But, as Horne notes, partners make sacrifices for each other every day, including during our most intimate moments.

“The domain of sex is a primary area where couples can have these conflicts, and where sacrificing might be really important, especially because it’s a sensitive and vulnerable context for a lot of people,” Horne says.

According to Horne, regulating expression of desire is one form of sacrifice that we may make for our romantic partners.

“Romantic partners often regulate their emotions and affection to achieve certain goals, but we wanted to know more about how partners regulate their expression of sexual desire during sex and its implications for couples’ well-being,” she says.

Horne notes that we might regulate our emotions to achieve goals in everyday social interactions, like smiling at an annoying boss for the sake of workplace harmony or job retention.

In a romantic relationship, this could take the form of expressing fondness and warmth to a partner that’s not really in line with what we’re feeling in the moment, or hiding feelings of sexual disinterest from a partner or pretending to be more into a sexual experience than we really are.

These tactics might be employed to smooth over the kind of momentary blips in desire caused by a bad day at work, fatigue or distraction in the moment.

“These are ways that we modify our self-interest, presumably for the benefits of our partner,” Horne says, noting that research shows this happens as much as three times a week in a typical romantic relationship.

“We may think we are interacting authentically with our partners, but we do these regulatory strategies in subtle ways.”

But, as Horne notes, the result is a disconnect between what we are feeling inside, and what we are showing on the outside.

Dialing up desire, dampening disinterest

For the study, the researchers surveyed 225 couples, most in heterosexual long-term romantic relationships, to track the link between regulation of desire and relationship . Respondents kept individual 21-day diaries that tracked intimate relations, levels of desire and individual feelings of well-being and satisfaction.

The results showed people engaged in two kinds of primary regulatory tactics when desire was low: amplification of desire and suppression of disinterest.

Amplifying desire is about exaggeration to cover for low interest in sex. That could take the form of erotic talk, caresses or even faking an orgasm.

Suppression of disinterest is another common tactic, employed when a partner hides the fact that they’re not really interested in the experience, either in the moment or overall.

Horne says that a partner may conceal that they have lost interest during sex if they are fatigued or distracted, or if their partner isn’t attending to their sexual needs in the moment.

“When we use these strategies, we’re trying to change the way that we express emotion or desire to somebody after that emotion or desire has already been elicited,” Horne says. “These strategies can be really challenging because there’s a tension between what we’re feeling inside and what we’re showing when we’re not interested.”

Regulation and authenticity

“Not all sexual regulation strategies are created equal,” Horne says. “Even though they both involve altering expression of desire to our partner, they differ in outcome.”

Sexual authenticity appears to be the driver here. Those who employed these tactics reported feeling sexually inauthentic, which predicted lower satisfaction, both sexually and in the relationship.

“We found that there are drawbacks to these behaviors,” Horne says. “Our work suggests that both partners feel less satisfied with their sex lives on days when one partner amplified or exaggerated expressions of desire.”

The story is a little bit different for suppression tactics.

Those who hid their lack of desire reported feeling sexually inauthentic and detached from their own satisfaction, but it wasn’t always detrimental for their partners, who may have been convinced they were interested and engaged in the moment.

While suppressing disinterest can lead to in a partner’s higher satisfaction, it can undermine one’s own feelings of satisfaction.

“These things happen during sex, and they have implications for our satisfaction,” she says. “When we regulate these displays, it feels sexually inauthentic.”

Honest and clear communication

While all respondents reported engaging in regulation tactics occasionally, Horne says it’s important to notice if it becomes part of a pattern.

Being attuned to our partners while balancing our own sexual needs can circumvent the conflicts that might lead to regulation strategies, and can amp up satisfaction for both partners.

“If things aren’t feeling right during sex, you could try to reroute, or have an open conversation about the things you like and don’t like,” Horne advixes.

“Honest and clear sexual communication is really important, and seems to have more benefits for satisfaction.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex in the Senior Years: Why It’s Key to Overall Health

Lovemaking isn’t just for the young — older people gain a lot of satisfaction from amorous relations as well.

But things get complicated as people age, and many folks let this important part of life drift away rather than talk about sexual problems with either their partner or their doctor, experts told HealthDay Now.

“Not many people talk about sex with their doctors, especially as we age,” said Alexis Bender, an assistant professor of geriatrics with the Emory University School of Medicine, in Atlanta. “So many people do report sexual dysfunction on surveys, but they don’t when they’re talking to their doctors. And so it’s important to have those conversations with primary care physicians.”

It’s worth discussing. A healthy sex life brings many benefits to seniors, experts say.

Sex has been linked to heart health, as well as overall mental and physical health. “It’s definitely an association, and it’s positive,” Bender said.

For example, lots of beneficial biochemicals are released by the body during sex, said HealthDay medical correspondent Dr. Robin Miller. These include DHEA, a hormone that helps with cognitive function, and oxytocin, another hormone that plays a role in social bonding, affection and intimacy.

“Having sex is a really important part of overall health and happiness, and people that have it, they live longer,” said Miller, a practicing physician with Triune Integrative Medicine in Medford, Ore.

Sex can actually get better as you get older, Miller added.

“For instance, for men, they can control their ejaculation better as they get older,” Miller said. “Women aren’t worried about pregnancy once they go through menopause, so they’re freer.”

Unfortunately, aging does complicate matters a bit when it comes to sex, Bender noted.

“For both men and women, we see changes in physical health such as diabetes or cardiac conditions that might limit desire or ability to have sex,” Bender said. “Activity decreases with age, but interest and desire does not, for both men and women.”

The changes wrought by menopause and andropause also can affect the sex lives of older men and women, Miller said.

Continued

“For women, vaginal dryness is a big issue. With men, it’s erectile dysfunction,” Miller told HealthDay Now.

Luckily, modern medicine has made advances that can help with these problems. Hormone replacement therapy can help women with the physical symptoms of menopause that interfere with sex, Miller said, and men have Viagra and other erectile dysfunction drugs.

“The story of Viagra is very interesting, actually,” Miller said. “In 1998, they were experimenting using it as an antihypertensive. What they noticed was when they were experimenting with these men, when the nurses arrived to check on them they were all on their stomachs, because they were embarrassed since they had erections.”

“That’s when they realized this was a much better medicine for erectile dysfunction than high blood pressure, and that’s made a big difference for men,” Miller continued.

Women can take Viagra as well, “but women don’t like the side effects. Men don’t really like them, either, but they’re willing to put up with them,” Miller said.

“What I found is for women that you can use Viagra as a cream on the clitoral area,” Miller said. “I call it ‘scream cream.’ You can get it made up at a compound pharmacy. It works like a charm. You still have to wait 40 minutes like men do, but there’s no side effects, and it works, especially for women who are on antidepressants, who have trouble reaching orgasm. It really is very helpful.”

So help is out there, but seniors will have to get over their hang-ups and talk to their doctor to take advantage of these options, the experts said.

“Sex and sexuality are taboo in our society,” Bender said. “Especially for women, sex is highly regulated and talked about at an early age, and we’re really socialized to not be sexual beings.”

Miller said, “I think it’s generational. Some Baby Boomers have a hard time talking about sex. My kids don’t have any trouble talking about it. I bet yours don’t either.”

Women also face practical problems when it comes to finding a sex partner, particularly if they’re looking for a man, Bender said. Women outlive men, so the dating pool shrinks as time goes on, and men tend to choose younger partners.

Continued

Through her research, Miller was surprised to learn that many women just give up on the search.

“Even though I think it’s important to have a healthy sex life and healthy partnership, a lot of women don’t want to reengage in partnership as they get older,” Miller said. “They’ve been married. They’ve taken care of people for a very long time. They’ve taken care of their husbands and their children. And they just say, I don’t want that anymore. I’m happy to sit and hold hands with someone, but I don’t want to get into a relationship again. And so that kind of challenged some of my generational thinking about what relationships mean over time.”

More information

The Mayo Clinic has more about good sex and aging.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Putting the Sexy in Safe Sex

Experts have long been calling for education programs to include the pleasures of sex. A new meta-analysis looks at the effects of doing so.

By Hannah Docter-Loeb

There’s a Crucial Component Missing From Most Sex Education Programs

“Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die,” goes a famous line from the 2004 film Mean Girls. The scene is a send-up of abstinence-only sex education, the dominant form of sex ed in the U.S. In it, North Shore High’s Coach Carr encourages a gym full of teenagers to refrain from sex altogether. “Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up. Just don’t do it, promise?” he says, before offering the class a plastic bin full of “rubbers.”

In a recent episode of Netflix’s Sex Education, the vibe is quite different. “You shouldn’t be shamed for having sexual desires,” says Maeve Wiley, a character who co-runs a sex therapy clinic at her high school to help peers with their sexual frustrations and problems. “You make sex sound terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be,” she says to a school official trying to preach abstinence-based education. “It can be fun and beautiful and teach you things about yourself and your body.”

Sex Education has been applauded for its sex-positive attitude, especially because programs that teach safe sex, whether to tweens or to adults, still often take a more Coach Carr approach. It’s not always easy to get people on board with the idea that sex ed should teach that sex is fun. In Rhode Island, state Rep. Rebecca Kislak recently introduced legislation that would require sex education to “affirmatively recognize pleasure based sexual relations.” The proposal was met with criticism earlier this month from lawmakers, teachers, and parents. One parent called it “disgusting.” It would certainly represent a shift: “When it comes to sex, it’s been an almost exclusive focus on the dangers and the harms that can happen,” says Anne Philpott, director of the Pleasure Project, an international education and advocacy organization that “puts sexy into safer sex,” as she puts it, by promoting pleasure-based education.

Putting the sexy into safer sex isn’t just fun. Playing up the positives of sex, à la the characters on Sex Education, can actually make people more likely to take precautions against sexually transmitted infections. Philpott has data to prove it, presented in a study titled “Incorporating Sexual Pleasure in Educational Sexual Health Programs Can Improve Safe Sex Behaviors,” published Friday in the journal PLOS One. The study is a collaboration between Philpott and the Pleasure Project team, in conjunction with researchers at Oxford, the Case for Her, and the World Health Organization’s Department of Sexual and Reproductive Health and Research.

Philpott and her colleagues analyzed past studies that looked at pleasure-inclusive sexual health interventions around the world from 2005 to 2020. Pleasure-based sex education can take a number of forms, but at its core is devoted to normalizing sexual activity and teaching individuals that sex is supposed to (and should) be an enjoyable experience. “Programs that deal with pleasure are going to be more comprehensive and provide, in addition to conversations about pleasure, skills around communication, negotiation, and refusal,” Leslie Kantor, professor and chair of Rutgers’ Department of Urban-Global Public Health, explains.

Philpott’s team cast a wide net at first, screening thousands of experimental research studies on sexual and reproductive outcomes of sex intervention programs. “We then had to trawl through all of that and narrow it down to all the abstracts that were experimental trials and then look for any of those that were pleasure-inclusive,” as defined by the World Association for Sexual Health in its 2019 declaration. There weren’t many. Just 33 unique interventions fit the pleasure criteria and measured the impact on sexual health outcomes.

Out of the 33 interventions, the research team narrowed its focus to eight studies that reported condom use as an outcome. These studies tested the effectiveness of many different sexual interventions, from sex education in Brazil’s public schools to community-based HIV prevention workshops in Atlanta. After analyzing the data from all eight studies, the team found that pleasure-based programs had an overall moderate, positive, and significant effect on condom use—that is, the sex-haver was more likely to use one—in comparison to interventions that did not also teach about the role of pleasure in sex.

“This study helps support the idea that a focus on pleasure is correlated to sex that’s less risky,” says Rosara Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, who was not involved in the work. “Correlation doesn’t mean causation. But it’s a great place to start and keep exploring.”

The meta-analysis backs up what experts have long been arguing about pleasure-based education methods: that they can provide students with a feeling of autonomy around sex. According to CUNY Graduate Center’s Michelle Fine, who was one of the first to recognize the missing discourse way back in 1988, centering pleasure is “the portal to entitlement,” as it allows individuals to have control over their sexual decisions and sexual experiences. “It’s a way to envision how can I engage this sphere of social life in a way where I have a voice, I have opinions, I have choice, I can control, I can say yes, I can say no, I can say who,” she says. “If you don’t engage desire, all you’re left with is fear or victimization, and those are very vulnerable positions.”

When people feel comfortable discussing their wants, they are more likely to broach the topic of safety measures. Teaching people to articulate “what they’re interested in and whether or not they liked what’s happened previously, that’s pleasure-based and skill-based,” Torrisi says. It can open the door for people to have conversations with their partners “around how to actually have safer sex.”

Fine, who was also not involved in the study, pointed to the study’s sample diversity as an indication that pleasure is a broadly useful component of sex ed. Participants in the programs the researchers analyzed varied in age, nationality, and structural vulnerabilities they had experienced, she noted. “This heterogeneity adds to the robust findings that an incorporation of pleasure/design into sex education projects has positive effects on learning, attitude, and behaviors.”

>And Philpott hopes that her work will lead to more funding for pleasure-based education. “Not only does this mean we have more real conversations about sexual health and sex education, but it actually makes those interventions more effective and more cost-effective,” she explains. She hopes that an increased focus on pleasure-based interventions—the pleasure wave, as she calls it—will only get stronger. “For a long time we’ve been advocating for the why we need to do this, and now with the evidence, we need to move to the how, and get people to the next stage.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Enjoying Sex, One of Life’s Not-so-Simple Pleasures

by Brittany Foster

“There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow.”

Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” is a classic. As I sang along, I couldn’t help but wonder, what kind of sex is Celine Dion having, and where can I sign up? One of life’s greatest pleasures is pleasure itself, but why can this sometimes feel impossible to achieve?

Living with a rare disease can feel like a hindrance to achieving an orgasm. Emotional dysregulation, physical pain, and loss of libido frustratingly complicate that toe-curling and back-arching feeling of whole-body bliss.

Although I am still wondering what the secret is to having those “nights of endless pleasure,” I have learned more about myself and my body in the last few years, which has helped strengthen my ability to have an orgasm. I’ve learned the importance of listening to my body, respecting and trusting my physical cues, and getting in touch with myself.

Some days, it is easier for me to ignore my body. Listening to it would mean that I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain. There was a long period of my life when I chose not to listen to my body. I was afraid of admitting when things felt too painful. I distanced myself from my body, and that strategy seemed to work. Ignorance was bliss until it wasn’t.

Numbing myself physically and emotionally just created a larger disconnect between my body and mind. This distance doesn’t help when it comes to physical pleasure and sex. Eventually, I started paying attention to how my body felt in the moment. Focusing on the most sensitive areas helped me to be present and created less distance between my body and mind.

Not only is listening to my body helpful when it comes to achieving powerful orgasms, but trust and respect are equally important. Trusting and respecting myself are half the battle. With rare disease and chronic illness, it is not uncommon to feel upset at my body for being so untrustworthy. My body is inconsistent, deceiving, and unpredictable.

If these were qualities of a partner, it would feel toxic. Instead of focusing on these inconsistencies, I’ve found it helpful to practice gratitude for the things my body can do every day, even if it’s a small victory. When it comes to pleasure, it’s necessary for me to have self-confidence and appreciation for what my body is capable of.

Mind-blowing orgasms can’t happen without communication. For me to communicate what my needs are, I first have to understand them myself. Getting in touch with myself and my physical desires has made a difference in the way I talk about my needs with a partner. It has given me confidence to speak up, which is something I have always struggled with.

Self-exploration is vital when it comes to pleasure. I have experimented with different lubrication, pressure, speeds, temperatures, textures, vibrations, and more. What feels right in one moment might not be suitable for another. Making time for myself and learning about my body are forms of self-care that shouldn’t be so shameful to talk about.

I may not be at the level of “nights of endless pleasure” yet, but I have had hours of it broken up into multiple rounds. Sexual pleasure does not always come easily, especially for those living with rare and chronic illness. I have had to shorten the disconnect between my body and mind, learn to trust that my body was capable of more, and had to explore what felt right.

Even though I am living with a rare disease, I still deserve to enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures: pleasure itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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20 Fun Sexual Role-Play Ideas To Tap Into Your Wildest Fantasies

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Ever dreamed of being someone else just for the night? Then sexual role-play may be something you’ll enjoy. If you’re new to the role-play world, here are some ideas for different scenarios to enact and tips on how to initiate a conversation with your partner about trying it out.

How role-play works.

Role-play is when you take on the persona of someone else while having sex. For example, a couple may have sex while pretending to be strangers who met at a bar or acting out a scene where one person is royalty and the other is a servant.

The role-play can be as developed and complex or as simple as you like: You can incorporate costumes, backstories, and music to set the scene, or you can just narrate what you’re doing from a different perspective. The point is just to use your imagination to heighten sexual pleasure, tap into sexual fantasies, and play with creativity and self-expression.

Why you may want to try it.

“Sexual role play can bring elements of play and novelty to a relationship. This is especially rejuvenating when partners feel like they’ve hit a plateau in the relationship,” says therapist Wardeh C. Hattab, LCSW. Using role-play can help you and your partner rediscover the intrigue of your early days together and inject fun back into a sex life that might have begun to feel a little routine.

Role-play is also a chance to step outside of the everyday rules you usually live your life by. “It allows couples to do things they wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing otherwise,” explains sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “If you’re used to asking politely, role-playing gives you the chance to become more assertive and make decisive orders toward your partner. On the other hand, if you’re someone who’s used to pleasing others, role-playing gives you the chance to simply lie down, relax, and take the role of the receiver.”

Moore goes on to say that role-play can be a wonderful way for couples to bond and get closer as “acting out a fantasy builds the anticipation between partners, making sexual encounters more intimate and fulfilling.”

Starting the conversation.

It might feel a little intimidating to bring up role-playing with your partner if it’s something the two of you have never done before. To make it easier, sex educator Niki Davis-Fainbloom recommends bringing up the topic outside of sexual scenarios, “so partners have time to think about it without feeling pressure to do anything right away.”

She also suggests that you consider what scenarios you might be interested in exploring before you bring it up with your partner so that you’re prepared to answer their questions and explain what you might be into.

It’s also important to keep in mind that discussing desires related to role-play should be a series of discussions rather than a one-and-done situation, says Hattab.

Role-play ideas and scenarios to consider:

1. Strangers

“This is an enjoyable scene to explore for folks who are aroused by the concept of having sex with a stranger but perhaps may not want to deal with the risks of actually doing it,” says Davis-Fainbloom. You might even try dressing up, meeting in a new environment, and trying not to break character for it to be as effective and as hot as possible.

2. Nurse and patient

This role-play is great for people who want to play with dynamics of care. If you’re generally into being attended to by your partner, then a nurse-and-patient role-play scene might be fun for you to try. You might also just have a thing for sexy uniforms, in which case this one can be perfect for you.

3. Cheaters

In this scenario, you and your partner are cheating on your spouses left back at home while you rendezvous at a hotel in the middle of the day. Add extra flavor to this one by actually checking into a hotel and making a real weekend of it. This one can be hot for people who are monogamous and are craving a feeling of novelty.

4. About to take off

More nuts anyone? “In this one, the passenger and flight attendant have been making eye contact and flirting all throughout this overnight flight. Now that it’s 1 a.m. and most of the passengers are asleep, it’s time to see how friendly the skies can really be!” says relationship and sexuality coach Prandhara Prem. This role-play is great for people who like to break rules and have sex in unexpected places.

5. Maid

Maid-themed role-plays are great for those who like to be in charge and make their partners service them. “You can get the maid to clean a room for minutes on end, making her bend over, kneel down, and all that good stuff,” says Moore. Invest in a cute little maid’s costume for an extra kick.

6. Someone you know

Maybe you’re the hot barista at the coffee shop, or that girl you both met at that party one time. Whoever you are, make sure you’re both on the same page about whether your relationship can handle it, says Hattab. Choose someone with a safe amount of distance. This role-play has endless possibilities, and it’s perfect for bringing out sides of you that you are usually too shy to explore.

7. Teacher and student

While entirely unethical in real life, this scenario can be really hot when played out as a role-play. You might be drawn to a teacher-student dynamic if you’re generally hot for authority figures or always had a crush on your teachers back in the day. Get ready to be punished for letting the dog eat your homework. “And if you want the idea to be even kinkier, you can make it a religious school,” says Moore, adding for a little storyline flavor: “You’re still a virgin after anal sex, right?… Right?”

8. Hypnotic love

“In this role-play, one person can be a hypnotist and the other will be hypnotized. The hypnotized loses control of their actions. This is perfect for someone wanting to get over inhibitions or push their personal boundaries,” recommends Prem.

9. Electrician and housewife

Ring, ring. Who’s at the door? Oh! It’s the electrician who comes to service your appliances and…you. A role-play involving a worker and a housewife is suited to people who are turned on by trade uniforms and fantasies of being ravished on the couch before their husband gets home. Or maybe even for people who have cuckold fantasies and dream of coming home to their wife being ravished…

10. Masseuse and client

“I’ve seen so much massage porn that I’m often surprised when my masseuse rubs the tension out of my neck and sends me on my way,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This scene would suit someone who is really turned on by “extended foreplay, erotic massage, and bending the rules,” she says. Try to make the environment feel as different as possible from your everyday environment, play around with enticing scents, and make sure the masseuse takes their time before hitting the best spots.

11. Pizza delivery

A classic of the genre, you open up the door, and the pizza delivery person is hot as hell. Unfortunately, you don’t have any cash on you… This role-play is exciting for people who are into the idea of exchanging sexual services as payment or just putting a sexy twist on a common, real-life interaction.

12. Lost in space

Picture the scene: You’re the only two people left on a far-flung planet. The survival of the human race depends on you screwing as much as you can. Quick!!! This role-play is fun for people who are adventurous and like to dress up. The possibilities for space-themed sexy outfits are endless.

13. The shakedown

One of you is a guard, and the other is suspected of smuggling contraband. The guard is determined to find the hidden goods, while the other is making them difficult to be found. “But the officer is determined and will stop at nothing,” says Prem. This role-play is perfect for those who are turned on by a good old-fashioned power struggle. Do you usually gravitate to power play? Then this one’s for you.

14. Boss and worker

A sexual relationship between a boss and employee absolutely crosses the line in real life, but the taboo can make for some hot fantasies behind closed doors. “There’s no denying it—role-play is a powerful place to explore power dynamics,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This type of scene can be particularly ideal for someone who is interested in BDSM but hasn’t known how to take the plunge. She suggests alternating between the roles of dominant and submissive to see which one works best for you.

15. Landlord and tenant

It’s the last of the month, and the rent is due, but you and your landlord have a special arrangement… This role-play is another one that’s based on power dynamics, just like boss and worker.

16. Pin me down

In this role-play, you both pretend to be pro wrestlers trying to get each other on the floor. You can wear slinky little wrestler outfits and even have a wrestler persona and new name. This role-play “gets the blood and adrenaline moving,” says Prem. “Anyone feeling touch-deprived or sad can do this for a boost or quick pick-me-up.”

17. Age play

For this one, you can play around with calling your partner Daddy or Mommy or set up a scenario in which you’re finally left alone with your hot stepmom at the weekend… This role-play is ideal for people who are turned on by age gaps or who long to feel looked after or want to express nurture through sex.

18. Royalty and servant

“[This is] the perfect scenario for couples with a royalty kink, especially those who want to class up their Dom/sub dynamics,” says Moore. “You can dress up as a Renaissance royal and have your loyal servant feed you, serve you wine, and have [anything else you] want.”

19. Grocery store meet-cute

Your hands touch across the last loaf of bread, eggplant, or almond milk. You run back to the parking lot and screw in the car because you just can’t wait to have each other… This role-play is fun for people who fantasize about having sex with strangers or who are turned on by spontaneity or exhibitionism.

20. Whatever you want!

The sky is really the limit when it comes to role-play. If you can think of it, you can play it. Take inspiration from your favorite TV shows, musicians, artists, porn scenes—anything at all can be given a sexy twist.

Tips to keep in mind.

Setting boundaries is of the utmost importance when experimenting with role-play, says Prem. Spell out to your partner what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Establish a safe word before beginning that you can use to come out of the scene if you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

Being really clear with your partner about which aspects of a role-play scenario turn you on can help both of you to glean more pleasure from it. “An open discussion of the fantasy may help the partner understand what aspect means the most in role-playing to the other person,” Hattab adds. “A partner who is less interested in role-play may be open to it with some more understanding of why their partner has this fantasy.”

Make sure you’re on the same page before diving in. A scenario in which you’re the doctor and your partner is the patient, for example, could have myriad different ways of being played out. Establish a framework together for what things are off-limits and what things you both think are sexy.

The bottom line.

Like any other sex game for couples, role-play can be a really fun way to get to know your own desires. When you’re playing at being someone else, you can feel free and uninhibited in a way that can sometimes be hard to access in everyday life. Dirty talk might feel easier, and unexplored kinks might come to the surface. As long as you and your partner keep the lines of communication open, a little acting might just bring you and your partner to new sexual heights.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide to Kinky Sex

If you’re turned on but intimidated by the complex lingo, etiquette, and array of fetishes out there, let us gently domme you through the basics.

by Reina Sultan

A lot of time can pass between the moment people discover they’re turned on by kink and when they actually act on that. I should know: In high school, I avidly read smutty BDSM fanfics on Tumblr, and it emboldened me to ask the very first guy I had sex with to choke me in bed. He said no, fearing he might “crush my larynx.” Bummer.

For six years after that “no,” I tried to forget I was into kink for a few reasons: I didn’t know how to find people who would choke me, plus I felt some basic shyness about getting into a scene with intimidatingly complex lingo, equipment, and social codes—especially when that scene involved scary-looking floggers and chains.

It took the boredom and voracious horniness of Pandemic Winter 2020 for me to live out my submissive fantasies. I started talking to a guy on Instagram I had mutuals with, but had never met. He sent me spanking videos, and after some back and forth, he invited me over to do a kink scene. I wondered whether this spelled murder, especially because I’d be going to his literal basement but, touch-starved, I said yes. (And then changed my mind and said no. And then said yes again.

I hadn’t even asked around about him, so I was very lucky he was a chill, respectful person and a hot partner. That first time, we explored sensation and impact play. As we kept seeing each other, he taught me more about kink, like how to figure out the specifics of what I was into and safely practice BDSM. But there was still so much to learn.

For newcomers, it can be tough to figure out the rules and etiquette of kink, especially if you’ve mostly encountered it in porn and the occasional Instagram infographic. But through communication, practice, research, and building a kink community, I started learning the ropes (kind of—I only bottom during rope scenes), and the more I learned, the more I liked what I was doing. 

Kinky sex simply requires more thought and planning than vanilla sex. But don’t worry—now I’m here to help you get freaky, too. Learning about the basic tenets of kink will help you have the best possible time when you (finally!) decide to try it out for yourself. OK? Say, “Yes, Mistress.” Just kidding—I already told you I’m a sub.

What is kink?

“Kink” covers subcultural sexual practices like BDSM, fetish play, and role play, as well as the lifestyles and social groups related to them. That’s pretty broad, so here’s a basic—and not at all comprehensive, don’t @ me—list of tastes, terms, and phenomena that are fairly common in the wild and vast world of kink.

  • BDSM. This acronym, which you almost certainly have heard before, refers to “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.” A dominant (which, like “domination,” is sometimes capitalized depending on people’s preferences), is a person who exerts control, like by ordering around their partner. A submissive is a person at the other end of that power exchange who willingly gives up their control. A sadist gets pleasure from inflicting pain, and a masochist likes receiving pain. To read more about BDSM, check out this blog post by one of my faves in the kink scene, Venus Cuffs, whom we’ll hear more from in a bit.
  • A top is a person—not necessarily a dominant—performing an activity: They’re usually the one tying the ropes and spanking the butts. A bottom is a person—not necessarily a submissive—having an activity done to them: being tied up, getting spanked. Switch/vers refers to someone who both tops and bottoms or can be both dominant and submissive. These terms are used in many contexts outside of BDSM too, particularly if you’re queer—read more here!
  • A scene refers to a kinky experience or session, which you can have more than one of during a given encounter or party. If you got spanked for 20 minutes or tied up and teased with a sex toy, those things would be considered scenes.

Let’s talk about some common fetishes. This is a fun A–Z list of kinks and fetishes. It’s not all-inclusive: Any hot thing you’re fixated on can be its own fetish, so don’t despair if yours isn’t on that list or the one included just below. It’s just good to have a place to start in terms of what you might come across as you go.

  • Impact play is focused on a top striking a bottom’s body with their hands or implements like canes, paddles, floggers, or whips. Here’s a guide to safety during impact play.
  • Rope bondage refers to the practice of restraining or binding someone with rope, which is not necessarily always Shibari (and doesn’t need to be). Shibari refers specifically to a type of rope bondage which originated in Japan. I highly recommend researching Japanese Shibari educators and practitioners to understand how to respectfully engage in Shibari. Whatever you’re doing, read up on rope safety practices first.
  • Sensation play is when the goal is arousal or stimulation through senses (like playing with ice, Wartenberg wheels, or hot wax). Seek out a safety guide for whatever you’re doing—you should look for sources that outline actual health risks, not just, “Here’s what feels good and what doesn’t.”
  • Sharps play involves, well, sharp stuff like needles, knives, or scalpels. Obviously, you’ll need to know a little more about mitigating risks if this is what you’re into—start with this Healthline guide.
  • Breath play involves restriction of oxygen. Look up how to minimize risk before choking of any kind.
  • Edge play refers to especially high-risk play of any kind, like rope suspension, knife play, or needle play. 

How can I find out more about what kinks I’m into?

People get into kink through porn, social media, sexual experimentation, fanfics, and beyond. There’s no shame if you read or watched 50 Shades of Grey and got curious! (Just know that the books and films are filled with inaccuracies about BDSM, consent, and safety practices.)

Reeru, a 32-year-old sadist top in Brooklyn, found out he was kinky when a partner used restraints on him. “I was teased until I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said. Reeru freed himself from the restraints and took the dominant role, which he said “awakened that part of [him].” Afterwards, he sought out kink more straightforwardly.

Like Reeru, you might come to kink through sex, but plenty of people also (or exclusively) consider kink a form of self-expression. Venus Cuffs is a New York–based dominant working in nightlife who uses she and they pronouns. Cuffs uses kink to subvert society’s racist definitions of her. “[In my daily life,] I was expected to be angry—to be a mammy, take care of everyone, be submissive, and be a servant. To never truly have any power,” they said. Through BDSM, she said, they’re served and honored by men instead.

To investigate what makes you feel turned on or otherwise piqued: Read books about kinky sex and see what makes you horny as you read. Watch kinky porn. Go to an event to watch kinky performances. Finally, taking the famous online BDSM test can point you toward what you might like—it’s kind of cringe and hilarious, but I don’t know anyone in kink who hasn’t taken it at least once, even just for fun.  

How do I find kinky people?

Plenty of people enjoy kink with their usual romantic and sexual partners. But you can also look into dedicated communities if you’re hoping to dip your toes (or whatever body parts you like) into local and online kink scenes. 

Many people recommend starting by exploring FetLife, a kinky social network. Some disclaimers: It’s not very user-friendly—its interface looks and is almost charmingly bad—and, as on any platform, some users are rude or bigoted. Still, FetLife is the only platform of its kind, and it remains one of the better ways for newcomers to find people and events.

For one-off encounters, dating apps can be useful. Feeld, which is marketed to people seeking group sex, is particularly kinky compared to other apps, but you can find potential partners on the more general and popular apps. I’m currently in my “off again” phase with apps, but this is usually my bio (go ahead and roast me): “I’m a non-monog masochistic bottom looking for new connections. Into impact play, plants, my cats, police/prison abolition, and bruise pics.” Feel free to adapt it based on what you’re into.

How do I vet partners?

Remember how I turned up to a stranger’s basement with no idea what I was doing? Don’t be like me! I’m lucky everything turned out OK, but kink can be physically and emotionally risky. Look into potential partners—and, ideally, meet in public—before they tie you up and spit on you (or vice versa). 

When I’m talking to new people about playing together, I ask them how long they’ve been doing the activity at hand and what their skills are. Understanding more about a partner’s history and qualifications can help prevent mistakes and injuries—for instance, a top should be able to tell you how they plan to keep you both safe. Exploring with an inexperienced partner who wants to learn can be OK, but less so if you learn they’ve never tied anyone up before when you’re already suspended from the ceiling.

I ask people I’m vetting how they define consent and to describe their risk profiles (this is a common kink phrase covering how intense a person is willing to get during rough play). If that feels right, I check their social media accounts for red flags—have they posted about having no limits or hating safe words?—and I ask my community members what they know about the person. Ideally, I’m able to speak with a previous partner to confirm that things went well. (That’s right—I ask for kink references, and you should, too.)

It’s not possible to do this deep of a dive at parties, but before tying with a rope top at an event, I ask what they know about preventing nerve damage and where and when they learned to tie.

If I’m comfortable with their answers, we keep talking—most of the time. Sometimes nothing comes up that’s a problem, but something you can’t quite put your finger on gives you pause. Trust your gut! If someone feels off, they might not be dangerous, but they’re probably not for you.

What if I’m looking for a professional to teach me about kink?

People explore kinks with professional dom(me)s, submissives, and fetish providers for a low-stakes way to get a little experience before seeking out unpaid partners. Mistress Danielle Blunt, who is a professional Dominatrix, said, “Hiring [a professional] can be a great way to explore kinky desires for newbies, because it takes the pressure off having to navigate something that can be scary or feel shameful with a partner.”

Some people, like me, just prefer working with pros. Bottoming for rope can be dangerous, and since I’ve researched the risks, I almost exclusively tie with people who get paid to know what they’re doing. Knowing I’m in good hands, I can get into a juicy, wonderful space when I’m being suspended—one that feels full of catharsis and release.

People can hire pros for so many things: A client might want someone to top them in spanking scenes. They might want to learn how to tie rope themselves, or for someone to teach them proper ball-busting technique. Whatever it is people are doing while working with professionals, they’re expected to be respectful of their boundaries, time, and rates.

How can I tell if a kink event is safe?

First, let’s talk about what kink events and parties even are. Events aren’t always orgies. You might also come across performances, workshops, mixers, classes, and play parties. 

When you see parties advertised online, look for two acronyms:

  • RACK, which stands for “risk-aware, consensual kink,” and means all parties agree to understand and consent to the risks in any activity.
  • NMIK, which stands for “no minors in kink,” as in, don’t engage in kink with minors or let minors attend kink events!  

Before any kind of party, organizers might throw “munches,” which allow you to meet people in expectation-free settings prior to partying together. Munches can happen just before an event that includes touching or sex, or completely separately. They generally occur in public places (or virtually) and people attend without their whips, and with clothes on.

Whether you’re at a munch or looking into an event independently: Ask organizers about consent practices. A zero-tolerance policy for violations is great, but get specific. What happens if someone reports that happening?

Reeru suggested more questions to guide your decision-making about event safety:

  • “Are there dungeon or consent monitors present and easily identifiable?” (“Dungeons,” by the way, are established BDSM spaces.)
  • “How do you vet performers, professionals, and guests?”
  • “Are people using drugs or alcohol?”
  • “Are safer sex practices being observed?”
  • “Are vaccinations mandatory?”

If organizers don’t have good (or any) answers, steer clear. However, if you mostly like an event, but notice something is lacking or vague, bring it up! If they’re amenable to making changes to prioritize people’s safety and comfort, that’s a really good sign.

How should I act at kink events?

The first way to fit in at a kink event happens before you get there: Follow directions about what to wear. Generally speaking, jeans and a T-shirt are too casual. Think more Euphoria vibes. Many, if not most, parties require you to turn a look within dress codes like fetish gear or formalwear—I’ve seen a Moulin Rouge theme, and people love latex-and-leather parties. Check with coordinators or reread the description to make sure you’re dressing the part.

As with their dress codes, each event is going to vary in terms of what’s socially expected and acceptable. If you have questions about what is or isn’t OK, ask an organizer.

One thing holds true everywhere you go: Behave respectfully. As Venus Cuffs said, “BDSM does not exist without consent, which should be the foundation of all your play. There are no exceptions to this rule—without it, it’s abuse.” This is true of all kinds of kink.

Ask before touching anyone or any toys or equipment. Don’t interrupt while people are mid-scene. Keep a safe distance when watching a scene so you don’t accidentally get hit or make anyone uncomfortable.

What does “negotiating a scene” mean, and how do I do it?

“Negotiation” is a before-scene discussion about participants’ needs, wants, and limits. (Yes, another one!) This conversation varies depending on the scene and partner. If you’re new partners, a negotiation might be extensive, since you’re learning about each other for the first time. If you’ve already been together, you might ask fewer questions or just make sure what you discussed last time still applies. 

Lots of negotiation questionnaires and sheets are available online, but these premises are usually part of all of them:

  • Soft limits are acts and types of kink that you generally don’t want to do, but could be flexible about with the right person, at the right time. One of my soft limits is needle play, which can involve being pierced with gauge needles. I don’t usually want to do it, and I would never do it during my first time with someone—but I’ve tried it, and I would again under proper conditions.  
  • Hard limits are definite nos. One of mine is race play: Under no circumstances will I engage in kink based on racialized power differentials.
  • Safe words are codes that can pause or stop play. Some people don’t use “no” or “stop” because it can be part of pre-negotiated play to feign resistance (hot), and you don’t want someone to actually stop when you’re having a good time (not hot). Like many newcomers and experienced people alike, I use stoplight colors: “yellow” to indicate I’m approaching my limits, and “red” when I need a full stop.

People can have intense reactions during scenes, even if they think they’re ready for what’s coming and have safe words in place. Sometimes, things can become triggering, or people can become non-verbal. Talking through this in advance can prevent harm in the moment when emotions are high. For example: If you start crying, is that an automatic end to the scene? Is it OK for your partner to just check in?

Mistress Blunt suggested trying these questions as you negotiate:

  • “What does aftercare—what people do to ease out of kink and into the regular world—look like for you?”
  • “Do you like to be checked in on after a scene?”
  • “What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel unsafe?
  • “What should we do if something goes wrong?”
  • “Is there anything I should know about your body or mind?”

Negotiation is just as much about talking through what you like and want to do, which is also really fun. Once you’ve got the above information in place, be sure to focus on pleasure for a while.

How do I reduce physical risks?

Before trying out a new kind of kink, you absolutely have to do your research about the risks involved and best safety practices. Look for both guides and medically sound information about physical risks—you might search online for terms like “how to safely spank someone” or “what are the risks associated with rope bondage?” Read as much as you can, and err on the side of credible medical and health information websites rather than forums or blogs.

If you’re doing a rope scene, learn to identify the signs of nerve damage (even if you are bottoming and don’t know how to tie). If you’re planning to do impact, learn how not to get hit where there are vital organs (avoid the lower back and protect your kidneys).

Before each and every scene, all parties involved should be able to check in with themselves about those risks to see if they are in the mental and/or physical place to engage. Even if some of us are bimbos who like to be degraded, bottoms aren’t just passive participants. Ebibex, a Baltimore-based rope and sharps bottom who’s using a pseudonym for this article, said, “This idea that bottoms are interchangeable bodies, who just ‘look pretty’ in rope, or unskilled recipients, is both harmful and insulting.” In good kink scenarios, bottoms will be as much in control of being safe during a scene as tops are.

You can also reduce harm by choosing not to use drugs or alcohol before and during a scene. This is ultimately up to you, but at least starting your kink journey sober is usually a good idea.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the time following a scene when people are returning to “normalcy.” Some people like physical closeness and snacks. Others might shower together or give each other massages. Some people might not want to spend time together at all. That’s all fine, as long as it’s discussed beforehand.

Aftercare doesn’t have to end directly after the scene. Many people like hearing from their partner a day or two after a scene. Ebibex, the  said she likes “talking to and debriefing with anyone I’ve played with—what we liked, what could be different.” This can also mitigate “drop,” which refers to negative feelings that can arise in the days following an encounter. Drop isn’t always preventable, and that’s OK! I receive incredible aftercare and sometimes still drop. In those times, I eat chocolate and watch feel-good movies. I also reach out to my top and let them know I’m feeling bad, and talking often helps.

Postgame communication can help people deal with consent violations or injuries, which can happen even among the most well-intentioned or experienced players. Part of harm reduction is to be prepared for these scenarios, and to know what to do after something has gone wrong. If you’ve gotten hurt or had your consent violated, what do you need or want from the other person? If you hurt someone or violated their consent, how will you show up and respect their wants and needs?

Even when a scene goes perfectly, it’s good to check in and to feel that your safety—and your pleasure—is valuable to your partner, and vice versa.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The One Ingredient Every Couple Needs For A Lasting Relationship

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are lots of qualities that typically get attention when talking about what makes a healthy relationship: trust, honesty, and communication tend to be the big ones.

But according to licensed marriage therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT, there’s one quality that’s fully necessary for a relationship to thrive that people rarely talk about: intentionality.

How intentionality makes or breaks relationships.

“Intentional means doing the mental work, aka planning,” Andre tells mbg.

A funny thing that happens in relationships, particularly ones that have lasted a long while, is we tend to go on autopilot. A couple will establish a cadence or dynamic that they settle into—including how they interact with each other, what their daily and weekly routines look like, what they talk about, and even how and when they show affection—and they keep at it until an issue comes up. In fact, they may be so married to their familiar patterns of us-ness that they may even just sweep issues under the rug for as long as they can, only finally addressing them head-on once they’ve gotten too big to ignore.

But as Andre notes, relationships require proactive nurturing—not just reactive responses to issues. That’s where intentionality comes in.

“If you want to nurture your relationship, you have to think ahead and figure out all the pieces and parts of what it will take to actually improve your relationship,” she explains.

Being intentional in your relationship means regularly thinking about what the relationship needs to function better and ultimately grow, and then actually taking concrete steps now to make that happen before issues arise. “You’re making it a priority, instead of an afterthought,” she notes.

Instead of waking up one day and wondering, “How did my relationship get here?” or “How do we fix this?” you’re proactively nourishing your relationship so that serious challenges are less likely to appear or less likely to significantly threaten your relationship when they do. As Andre puts it, “You won’t have to worry about the grass being greener on the other side if you’re intentional about watering your own on a schedule.”

How to be more intentional in your relationship.

OK, so what does this actually look like in practice?

Andre recommends taking small steps to improve your relationship. That might include proactively having a conversation about how the two of you approach conflict, for example, or it might look like taking the time to cultivate a culture of more appreciation and goodwill in your relationship. If you haven’t already, Andre also suggests learning about your and your partner’s love languages and finding ways to express more affection in those ways.

“One recommendation I have for couples to nurture their relationship is to do an intention challenge,” Andre recommends. “To do the intention challenge, all you have to do is create a list of 12 things, which can be a mixture of gifts and gestures, to do for your partner once a month. That’s it—nice and simple.”

However you choose to approach intentionality in your relationship, the point is to simply prioritize it as a couple. When you’re both engaged and taking steps to strengthen your connection, the relationship is more likely to be able to thrive even in the face of life’s inevitable hardships. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean To Be Sapiosexual?

4 Telltale Signs

By Mary Retta

If you’re confused about sapiosexuality, you’re not alone. Even as people gain more awareness of LGBTQ+ identities, this one rarely enters the common conversation. Here’s everything you need to know about being sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexual?

People who are sapiosexual are physically and emotionally turned on by intelligence. Sapiosexuals think that intelligence is the most attractive trait and value it more than a potential partner’s looks or even personality.

“Sapiosexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by sexual and erotic attraction to potential partners who are, first and foremost, intelligent,” sex and relationship therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC, tells mbg. “In these cases, intelligence is the genuine ‘turn-on,’ not the status, job, or financial benefits that might accompany intelligence.”

Signs of sapiosexuality:

1. You are drawn to a potential partner’s intelligence more than looks or personality.

Sapiosexuals are most drawn to or turned on by another person’s intellect, according to Kryss Shane, LMSW, dual-licensed social worker and LGBTQ+ expert. “A sapiosexual person may be more interested in discussing books or politics with someone on a first date rather than trying to begin a sexual relationship immediately,” she says. “They may have an online dating profile that focuses more on their career or their academic goals than on trying to find someone to engage in sex with.”

If you find yourself most drawn to someone’s intellect, this is a very good sign you are sapiosexual.

2. Intellectual conversations turn you on.

Sapiosexuals are not only drawn to a potential partner’s intellect—they are often physically turned on by intelligence. If political debates or long discussions about literature really get you in the mood for sex, this is another sign that you are sapiosexual.

“For sapiosexual folks, intelligence isn’t just icing on the cake for an already attractive partner; it is intelligence itself that drives arousal,” Tanner says. “Sapiosexual individuals not only enjoy intellectual conversation; they might also feel aroused by it.”

3. You need to have an intellectual discussion before sex crosses your mind.

For most sapiosexual people, it’s impossible to feel comfortable dating or getting intimate with someone before you’ve had a good, long cerebral chat.

“Sapiosexual people might find that it’s difficult to connect sexually with a potential partner until they’ve engaged in some form of intellectual discussion,” Tanner says. “Intellectual connection may be considered far more effective foreplay than even physical touch.”

If you struggle to connect with a potential partner before chatting about their favorite books or political views, this is good sign you might be sapiosexual.

4. Intellectual spark is more important to you than even the emotional spark.

Often, sapiosexuality can be confused with demisexuality, an orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction to someone after making an emotional connection with them. While there is some overlap between the two orientations, there is also a distinct difference.

“Sapiosexuality is the need to build an intellectual attraction before a sexual attraction will occur, while demisexuality is the need to build an emotional connection before a sexual attraction will occur,” Shane explains. “For a sexual attraction to begin, a sapiosexual person is seeking someone on the same intellectual level they are on, whereas a demisexual person is seeking someone who will share their feelings and emotions.”

Is sapiosexual a real sexual orientation?

Despite sapiosexuality entering discussions about sexual identity more and more, there are many who still do not view sapiosexuality as a real orientation. Some queer people have also argued that sapiosexual people should not be included in the LGBTQ+ umbrella because it’s not related to gender preferences in the same way identities like pansexual, heteroflexible, and others clearly are. However, some sexuality experts advocate that sapiosexuality is a valid orientation and should be considered as such.

“Sapiosexuality is not an orientation in that orientation is about the gender identity of the partner or potential partner,” Shane explains. “A sapiosexual person can identify as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or greysexual. Sapiosexuality is how the person develops their attraction to someone. It is the how, not the who, of their attraction experience.”

“As a sex therapist, I make it a priority not to yuck someone’s yum, so to speak,” Tanner adds. “And as a queer person, I know what it feels like to have my orientation invalidated. I just don’t see a need to devalue something that is true for someone else.”

Ultimately, labels are only helpful if they allow you to feel more comfortable and confident in your sexuality. If the term “sapiosexual” feels right and valid to you, then you should use it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex During Pregnancy

— Your Questions Answered

Safety, discomfort talk + more

Let’s talk about sex — and your growing baby bump. Whether you’re newly pregnant or bursting at the seams, you may have burning questions, like is it OK to do the deed? Will sex harm your baby? Is it normal to be in the mood a lot less often?

Pull up a chair. Ob/Gyn Oluwatosin Goje, MD, answers the most common sex-during-pregnancy questions she gets asked.

Q. Is it safe to have sex while pregnant?

A. Absolutely, enjoy vaginal or oral sex as frequently as you want, throughout your pregnancy. The only exceptions are if you have one of these conditions:

  • Cervical changes: Normally, the cervix creates a barrier between the vagina and uterus. Changes such as early dilation (opening) could raise your risk for premature labor if you have sex.
  • History of premature labor or miscarriage: If you have a history of premature delivery or miscarriage, your doctor may ask you to refrain from intercourse. Semen contains prostaglandins, and during orgasm, your brain releases oxytocin. Both of these hormones play a role in stimulating contractions.
  • Leaking: If you feel a drip, drip, drip from your vagina, it warrants a call to your doctor. It may be a sign that the wall surrounding the sac your baby grows in may have ruptured. Intercourse in this situation could increase your risk of infection.
  • Placenta previa: When the placenta covers the cervix, sexual activity (vaginal-penile)  may result in disruption of the placenta and cause bleeding.
  • Sexually transmitted diseases (STD): If a doctor diagnoses you or your partner with a sexually transmitted infection, refrain from unprotected sexual intercourse until you’ve been treated and retested. An untreated STD can harm your baby.
  • Undiagnosed vaginal bleeding: Until your provider determines the reason for vaginal bleeding, you should refrain from sexual intercourse. 

Q. Will sex hurt my baby or scar them for life?

A. No, sex will not hurt your baby. It’s completely safe — even in the final days — as long as you don’t have one of the above conditions.

Q. Not gonna lie, it hurts a little. Should it? 

A. Sex should still be enjoyable during pregnancy. It may be even more enjoyable for some. Some women who experience vaginal dryness when they aren’t pregnant will have more lubrication during pregnancy.

If you find you’re less comfortable as your pregnancy progresses, it may be the position you choose. If you’re on your back for sex, then gravity is pulling all that baby weight down on your spine. Instead, lube up and try these sex positions during pregnancy:

  • Side-by-side or spooning.
  • Doggy style (sex from behind).
  • Woman-on-top.
  • Standing.

Q. Are there advantages to pregnant sex? (Please tell me it will induce labor.)

A. There are many advantages to pregnancy sex — the main one is continued intimacy with your partner. You might also experience:

  • Increased sensitivity: Sex may be better than ever, thanks to increased blood flow to the vulva (the outer part of the female genitals).
  • Better sleep: Pregnancy and sleep don’t always go together, but post-coital relaxation may make it easier.
  • Labor: There’s no definitive research showing sex can kick-start labor, but anecdotally it may work, so it’s definitely worth a shot.
  • Feel-good hormones: The oxytocin that’s released with orgasm can help you feel less achy and generally calmer. 

Q. Help! I bled a little after sex — I’m freaking out, should I be?

A. Bleeding after sex is a common concern. During pregnancy, there is increased blood flow to the cervix and vagina, so friction from sex could cause a little bleeding. Usually, this is nothing to worry about, but it’s always a good idea to check in with your provider. 

Q. I have zero interest in pregnancy sex … is that OK? Am I abnormal?

A. Many factors impact how you feel about sex during pregnancy. Some women don’t enjoy their pregnant bodies — they don’t feel sexy or appealing. Others feel sexier because they have fuller breasts or experience more powerful orgasms. For some women, the surge in hormones makes them want sex more often than usual. Sex is personal, so your experience with pregnancy sex will also be. Learn to communicate your needs with your partner.

Q. Will I still have orgasms when I’m pregnant?

A. There have been studies that say orgasm is less likely as you progress through pregnancy, but this isn’t the case for all women. Orgasm during pregnancy may have more to do with how you feel about your pregnant body or the positions you’re using. My best advice is to embrace your baby bump. Explore new positions until you find what works for you and your partner. With increased blood flow to the vulva, you may experience better-than-ever orgasms.

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Mindfulness During Sex Means More Orgasms

— Here’s What to Know

Being Aware of Your Body and Emotions Will Lead to Better Pleasure, Says Experts

By Rebecca Strong
As new research sheds light on the many mental, physical, and emotional benefits of staying fully present, more and more people have been making it a point to prioritize the art of mindfulness. And as it turns out, mindfulness can also play a big part in boosting a person’s sex life.

According to a 2021 study of mixed-sex married couples, research found that maintaining awareness and non-judgment in the bedroom led to better sexual well-being and harmony, as well as greater relationship growth. Not only that, but husbands’ awareness during sexual activity was linked to more consistent orgasms among their wives. If that’s not a hard sell, we don’t know what is.

But what exactly does mindfulness during sex look like? According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, resident sex researcher at ASTROGLIDE and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, it’s about being fully “tuned in” to the experience. In other words, not letting your mind wander to your to-do list or what you’re making for dinner while your partner is going down on you.

“As applied to sex, mindfulness involves being aware of your body sensations, emotions, and thoughts without judging them,” says Lehmiller. “Research has uncovered a number of benefits of mindfulness during sex. Among other things, it can increase desire for sex, enhance sexual functioning, and improve sexual satisfaction.”

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and sex expert for SKYN, notes that mindfulness can help to strengthen the brain-body connection, thus making it easier for you to climax.

“When you spend time paying attention to and relaxing the body, you take energy away from the left side of the brain — which is responsible for mental chatter and all those repetitive thoughts — and engage the right side of the brain, which is more in touch with the body,” she explains to AskMen.

This probably sounds way too good to be true, right? Well, if your interest is piqued, we’ve got expert-approved details on how to incorporate mindfulness into your sex life the right way.

Signs Your Sex Life Would Benefit From Mindfulness

Experts agree that anyone sex life can improve with a little more mindfulness. Below, you’ll find some signs that you and your partner might need to make this a priority in the bedroom.

One or Both of You Keeps Getting Distracted

Having trouble staying focused on the act at hand? It’s normal to have your mind wander once in a while during sex, but if those distracting thoughts are preventing you from staying aroused, having an orgasm, or feeling connected to your partner, Lehmiller says that’s a red flag.

“Mindfulness has the potential to help with a very wide range of sexual difficulties, and can sometimes augment other treatments and therapeutic approaches,” he explains.

Sex Feels Routine

If it feels like you’re going through the motions every time you and your partner have sex, it’s likely because one or both of you aren’t staying in the moment. That mundaneness is leading you to resort to old habits rather than allowing curiosity and pleasure to drive new experiences.

“When partners aren’t fully present, sex gets habitual,” says Engle. “This then registers as a drop of physical dissatisfaction — and eventually the possibility of resentment in your unconscious mind. Over time, those drops accumulate until they can fill a bucket, at which point the sex in a relationship begins to fizzle out. If you approach your sex exactly like you approach meditation: with intention, generosity, savoring, a willingness to slow down and relax into it, and a resolve to return from distraction when it naturally happens, sex can become through-the-roof ecstatic, and even that then deepens over time.”

You Can’t Remember the Last Time You and Your Partner Talked About Sex

Communication is crucial to a healthy, satisfying sex life. Do you and your partner often share with each other what’s working (or not working) between the sheets? Do you reflect on sexual experiences you have or share fantasies about things you’d like to try?

According to Shameless Therapy sex therapist Jackie Golob, MS, not being able to communicate with each other before, during, and after sex can signal a lack of mindfulness.

How to Improve Mindfulness During Sex

According to certified sex educator and sex coach Suzannah Weiss, it all starts outside the bedroom. She recommends making it a point to practice mindfulness throughout your daily life — such as by paying attention to how your washcloth feels against your skin in the shower, or how the breeze feels against your face on your walk around your neighborhood. Move through all five senses on your commute, honing in on what you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste.

“Sit in a chair for 10-15 minutes per day and practice tuning into your physical sensations,” adds Lehmiller. “What are you feeling throughout your body? When thoughts cross your mind, acknowledge them and let them go — and keep turning back to the sensations.”

Below, experts share a few more strategies for incorporating mindfulness while getting frisky.

Engage in an Imago Dialogue

Imago relationship therapy is a specific style of relationship therapy aimed at helping couples cultivate understanding and connect more deeply. And according to Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor and certified IRT therapist, this method can actually be immensely helpful for boosting mindfulness in the bedroom. He suggests following an IRT dialogue technique to communicate with your partner about your sex life.

“Intimacy is such a sensitive issue for couples, it’s really important that each of you as individuals feels safe in your conversation with each other,” he explains. “The Imago dialogue, with its ‘scripted’ model of communicating is the perfect way to create safety to discuss such a sensitive topic.”

How does it work, you ask? Slatkin advises scheduling a time with your partner to talk about your intimacy. When it’s time to talk, clear the clutter from your bedroom, put on comfortable clothing, and sit down so you can look into each other’s eyes. From there, you or your partner can take turns sharing one thing you enjoy or need from the other. The listener mirrors what they said back to the other partner with no judgment.

For example, “Let me see if I understand. You’re saying you feel like our sex is rushed, and you’d like to take your time with more foreplay?” Active listening in this way can help you to gain a stronger understanding of each other’s perspectives.

“You may be pleasantly surprised to learn more about what your partner desires and what would make them feel good,” says Slatkin. “That’s the beauty of the Imago dialogue.”

Try Mindful Masturbation

Focusing on mindfulness during your solo pleasure sessions can help you then translate those skills into partner sex.

“Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for our partner sexually is to know yourself sexually,” adds Nikki Nolet a licensed marriage/family therapist and founder of Relationships Redefined. “Imagine having the knowledge to guide your partner towards pleasuring yourself, rather than leaving it to them to guess at what pleases you. Plus, being aware of your own turn-ons can then, in turn, be a huge turn-on for your partner.”

For this approach, put away any distractions while masturbating (yes, that includes porn), and try to tune into every sensation you’re feeling. Take it slow, and if you feel you’re unable to maintain that mind-body connection, try touching yourself elsewhere on your body to jolt your system and snap back to attention.

Keep Your Eyes Open and the Lights On

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with closing your eyes during sex, or dimming the lights beforehand, relationship expert psychologist and sex therapist Tatyana Dyachenko says switching things up can go a long way in terms of promoting mindfulness.

“When you close our eyes it’s easier for your mind to wander,” she explains. “Having the lights on and your eyes open helps to keep you out of autopilot mode.”

Experiment With Sensation Play

If you and your partner are both open to it, Engle recommends incorporating sensation play — using items like a feather and an ice cube — into sex. These kinds of tools can really help enhance mindfulness during a romp because they heighten physical sensations on your skin.

However, if props aren’t your thing, you can still bring more awareness to your sexual experiences.

“While your partner gently touches your body, tune into everything from the feel of their breath on your skin to variations in touch pressure to changes in your heart or breathing rate,” says Lehmiller.

Just Take Notice

Noticing what’s turning you on (and what isn’t), and then communicating those observations to your partner in the moment, is key, says Golob. First, just make a mental note of what feels good, sharing what you’re noticing by saying, “that feels so good,” or “I like that a lot, don’t stop.” after. If something doesn’t feel good, try to frame it in a positive way by commending your partner for something else you preferred.

Reduce Any “Sexpectations”

When there’s too much pressure on achieving an orgasm, experts say it becomes very difficult to stay present during sex due to focusing only on the end goal. Sadly, that can actually end up sabotaging your ability to enjoy the experience, let alone being able to finish.

“The thought that every sexual encounter should end in orgasm triggers shame, blame, and guilt if you don’t,” says Golob. “Orgasm is not the goal of sex, pleasure is the goal of sex. We need to remember to reduce sexpectations and not judge ourselves or partners if things don’t happen as we may have wanted.”

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Why You Have Headaches After Sex

By Lauren Evoy Davis

Headaches can be used as a reason to postpone sex, “not tonight honey, I have a headache.” However, in rare circumstances, sex can be the cause of a headache. These sex headaches happen moments before or at the peak of sexual excitement, the orgasm. They can happen during solo sex or sex with a partner.

Sex-related headaches are more likely to occur in people who experience migraines and tend to affect more men than women.1

This article will clear up some of the confusion about what a sex-related headache is and how to get relief.

Sex headaches are a very rare occurrence, afflicting 1% to 6% of the general population.2< This headache can occur right before or immediately after orgasm and last anywhere from one hour to 24 hours. The pain varies from mild to severe, according to American Migraine Foundation (AMF).3

These headaches can be a symptom of another health ailment such as a tumor or a stroke, but other times they’re not related to anything definitive.4

Sex Headaches in Men

Men are about four times more likely than women to experience sex headaches.1

Types

There are a few types of sex headaches that people experience:

Orgasm Headache

The orgasm headache may start with a dull ache in the head, neck, and jaw that intensifies with sexual excitement and concludes with a sudden and severe headache at the point of orgasm.

Sexual Benign Headache

The sexual benign headache is a response to an increase in blood pressure during sexual activity. The pain may start around or behind the eyes. It usually lasts a few minutes, but can last for hours.

The headache is usually made worse by movement and can have similar symptoms to a migraine, such as sensitivity to light and nausea.5

Causes and Risk Factors

According to the American Migraine Foundation, the pre-orgasmic or organismic headache is a “primary” headache, meaning that it isn’t caused by another condition or disorder.3hemorrhage) or are at risk of stroke.1

Much like other genetic conditions, some studies show that sex-related headaches can run in families. Knowing your family history for all sorts of health conditions can be an important part of learning about your own health issues.1

People who are overweight or have high blood pressure are at a slightly higher risk of these headaches.1

It’s best to have a doctor examine you and perform tests to rule out anything unusual.

Diagnosis

If you’re experiencing sex headaches, your healthcare provider may order blood tests and a CT scan or a MRI to make sure there are no other underlying causes for your symptoms.

Treatment

Treatment may depend on the type of headache that you have.

  • Over-the-Counter (OTC) Drugs: OTC pain relievers like ibuprofen can help manage headache symptoms.
  • Indomethacin: This nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) requires a prescription and can be taken prior to sexual activity. Side effects include the risk of fatal heart attack or stroke.6
  • Propranolol, metoprolol, or nadolol: These are beta-blockers that lower blood pressure and require a prescription. Side effects include rash, blurred vision, insomnia, hair loss, muscle cramps, and fatigue.

Ironically, sexual activity may also relieve the searing pain you’re feeling after the last orgasm.

How Can I Prevent a Sex Headache?

These types of headaches come on suddenly. There are no known prevention methods. If someone who gets migraines is also experiencing sex headaches, they should avoid known migraine triggers such as alcohol, caffeine, and irregular sleep schedule, and artificial sweeteners.7

Summary

Sex headaches can occur right before orgasm or right after orgasm during solo sex, or sex with a partner. They may be sporadic and not occur during every enounter. People who are susceptible to migraine headaches are also at risk for sex-related headaches. Men are 3 to 4 times more likely to experience a sex headache.1
There are some medications available that you can be prescribed to take before sexual activity to offset a headache.

A Word From Verywell

Sex is heart-healthy and good for overall emotional and physical health.8

However, a sex-related headache can be painful and scary. If sexual activity causes pain like severe headaches during or immediately after orgasm, schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider right away to rule out other conditions

Your provider will ask you questions to learn more about your symptoms and how often these headaches occur to determine the root cause. They may ask if you get migraines or if other family members experience these types of headaches.

If sex headaches occur with some frequency, it might be a good idea to keep a journal of dates and times of these occurrences.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Can sex cure a headache?

    Yes. In some cases, sexual activity that leads to an orgasm can alleviate a headache. In other cases, it can make it worse. It depends on the individual.

  • What types of sex headaches are there?

    An orgasm headache may start with a dull ache in the head, neck, and jaw that intensifies with sexual excitement and concludes with a sudden and severe headache at the point of orgasm. A sexual benign headache is a response to an increase in blood pressure during sexual activity.

  • What home remedies are there for headache relief?

    Try keeping the lights dim, drinking water, and taking OTC pain relievers like ibuprofen to treat a headache.

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The Psychology of Love

How we love one another varies greatly

Like hunger, thirst, sleep and sex, love is essential for human survival. It can often feel so primal and mysterious that it may be hard for some of us to define. For thousands of years, we’ve tried to understand how love works by studying it and writing about it in songs and poetry. We’ve seen love play out so many times in movies and television shows that we find ourselves time and time again rooting for our favorite couples and wishing to live out our own wildest dreams.

But if love has the ability to inspire entire nations to act in the name of love — after all, Helen of Troy was said to launch a thousand ships based on her beauty alone — can we ever hope to understand the breadth and depth of true love and all of its qualities?

Ahead of Valentine’s Day, psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the various types of love based on one popular psychological theory, how we move between different stages of our relationships, and how love languages can impact the way we support each other when we need it most.

Different types of love

There are a number of theories that categorize the kinds of love we experience in our lives (and some that even stem as far back as the ancient Greeks). Dr. Albers points to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, in particular as one theory that’s inclusive and easy to understand no matter the kind of relationship you’re in.

Sternberg’s theory proposes that all relationships are fundamentally based on three key components that function as the three points of a relational triangle: intimacy, passion and commitment.

  • Intimacy is based on an emotional bond and a feeling of closeness and comfort.
  • Passion includes sexual and physical attraction and that feeling of romance.
  • Commitment is the decision or choice to love another person and the efforts that someone is willing to do to maintain that relationship.

“Attraction is more like a magnetic force you can feel,” says Dr. Albers. “When those fun butterfly feelings evolve into a warm sense of commitment and care for someone’s needs, this is a sign of love developing.”

There are eight kinds of love that can occur based on varying levels of each key component. Each kind of love is different enough that you might find yourself maintaining relationships in several categories, but sometimes, a single relationship will evolve over time, transitioning among the types along the way.

Non-love

This type of love is a bit self-explanatory. In this type of connection, you’re indifferent to the other person. There’s no passion, no intimacy and no need for commitment. This person may be someone you see on the street, an acquaintance or someone you know very casually.

Liking

This type of love is the basis for most friendships. In this category, you’re high on intimacy but there’s no passion or commitment. In this type of love, you’re more focused on the real close bond you share with someone else, so you strengthen that bond over similar qualities, interests or characteristics.

Infatuation

High in passion, but without intimacy or commitment, this is what most people think of when they have a crush or experience love at first sight. You may not know someone on a deeper level, but you’ll experience real physical changes like the feeling of butterflies in your stomach or a sense of anxiousness or a flush of desire whenever you see or think about the person you’re attracted to. “A lot of relationships start out this way and then, if they’re going to be lasting, they turn over into something more romantic,” says Dr. Albers.

Empty love

If you’re experiencing high levels of commitment, but you’re without passion or intimacy, this is called empty love. Sometimes, this can be the starting point in an arranged marriage or couples find themselves experiencing this type of love if they’re staying together for their kids or not financially stable enough to leave a relationship. “Unfortunately, I think I see empty love the most in counseling,” says Dr. Albers. “This can feel like a really difficult place for people because they feel kind of stuck. They want to build more intimacy or passion because it was there initially.”

Romantic love

This type of love may encompass a few kinds of relationships. High in passion and intimacy, but without commitment, you may fall into this type if you’re dating someone but you’re not quite exclusive. Friends with benefits fall into this category, too, especially if you’ve known someone for a while and have a close bond. “Maybe they’ve been burned in the past or maybe they’re divorced and afraid of recommitting,” says Dr. Albers. “Maybe they feel that spark but they’re unsure if this is someone they want to commit to.”

Companionate love

Think of this stage as an elevated form of liking: Maybe you’ve been friends for years or you’re best friends who rely on each other through thick and thin. With high levels of intimacy and commitment, but no passion, these are some of your deepest bonds that can often lead to a lifetime of connection.

Fatuous love

This type of love burns bright and fast. High in passion and commitment, but without intimacy, this is a swift-moving relationship that evolves from one stage to the next quite quickly. Maybe you’re comfortable moving in or getting married much sooner than most. Sexual attraction is a huge driver for this kind of relationship, but perhaps you don’t know each other on a deeper level than in other relationships.

“You feel a lot of sparks toward this person and you’re committed, but all of a sudden, you might start to realize that there’s no emotional connection,” explains Dr. Albers. “It’s hard to get out of this relationship because you’ve already tied yourself in.” And, when some relationships burn too bright too fast, they may burn out quickly, resulting in someone getting ghosted.

Consummate love

This is the kind of love that’s top tier, the one all the movies, books and songs try to capture in one fell swoop. Sternberg theorized that all relationships should try to achieve this type of love, but this is the most difficult love to achieve, as it requires a perfect balance among high levels of intimacy, passion and commitment.

“This is the gold standard of relationships,” says Dr. Albers. “There are a lot of expectations or feelings in how your relationship should be, but the reality of life is that it’s hard to always feel passionate with your partner and sometimes it’s a challenge to have the time to connect with your significant other.”

Regardless of where your relationship falls, it’s important to recognize that while there’s no wrong way to build a relationship, the kind of love you’re searching for depends on the degree you work on all three key components.

“Relationships that are based on a single element are less likely to survive and keep going than one based on two or more aspects,” says Dr. Albers. “It’s helpful to know which pieces are missing or which pieces you want to build up in your relationship.”

Stages of love

So how long does it take for someone to fall in love?

For some, it takes mere seconds and for others, it could take years. If someone has had more positive experiences and knows exactly what they want, love can happen more quickly than someone who might have experienced hard breakups or trauma. But it also depends on how you’re defining love and the strength of your connection.

“Your history and the strength of your physical reactions can dictate how quickly you fall in love,” says Dr. Albers. “Some people call the first initial stage of infatuation love and other people move toward the last stage of attachment and that’s when they put the label of love on it.”

Stage one: Falling in love

Attraction comes at you fast. According to one study, it takes just one-fifth of a second for someone to know if they’re attracted to someone. That heady rush of dopamine brings on a flush of feelings, notably butterflies, intense longing and fixation. In fact, some neurobiological studies indicate areas of the brain become increasingly more excited when someone sees the face of the person they love or are attracted to.

“Love starts in the brain, not the heart,” says Dr. Albers. “When people report being in love, they have a tsunami of activity in the brain.”

Often, we’re attracted to someone that feels familiar, so if you happen to have a type, there’s probably a reason for that.

“There is a lot happening unconsciously in terms of the pull toward someone and it’s usually because they’re familiar in some way, whether it’s their mannerisms, their demeanor or their presentation of the world,” explains Dr. Albers.

However short-lived this first initial stage of love may be, there’s a certain level of excitement and drive associated with it to kickstart the rest of your relationship, should it go any further than love at first sight.

Stage two: Getting to the good part

If the first stage of falling in love is about attraction, the second stage is all about removing the rose-colored glasses and really seeing the person you’re attracted to. It’s normal to transplant expectations and desires on the person we’re attracted to in an effort to fit the mold for that theatrical romance we’ve always dreamed about. But that often means you’ll overlook red flags.

“In the second stage, there’s some disillusionment,” says Dr. Albers. “You really get to know who they are instead of who you want them to be. If you continue to bond and like who you see, that’s what moves you into the next phase.”

Sometimes, love can be challenging in that it fulfills a need in the moment, and then that need may eventually change over time. Sometimes, you might find that your needs are overlooked in exchange for prioritizing your partner’s needs, which results in a codependent relationship. But the biggest takeaway here is: If someone doesn’t love you on the same level you love them, that’s OK.

“A lot of times, people take it personally,” says Dr. Albers. “Them not loving you has more to do with them than it does with you. The people who are the most successful at love are those that can accept the other person for who they are without trying to change them.”

Stage three: Creating an attachment

Over time, your dopamine levels tend to drop off so that the thrill of love and all that adrenaline you feel during initial attraction starts to settle down. As you further solidify your connection with your partner and create an attachment to them, your brain increases its levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, which help maintain that bonded feeling you have for longer periods.

“Those feelings of lust and that wild excitement of attraction mellows and turns into feelings of connection,” says Dr. Albers. “It goes from fireworks to feeling like you care about that person’s needs and you’re interested in their future and you invest in them.”

Once you’re attached to someone, they play a pretty significant role in your life even when you’re participating in the smallest, mundane, everyday activities. You tend to grow together and partner up: It’s your team against the world.

And if at some point that attachment deteriorates and you end up growing apart from one another, you’re forever changed by it.

“When people talk about people from their past that they’ve loved, they’ve been changed by it in some ways that can’t ever be undone,” says Dr. Albers. “They still play a role in your memory and care, and those experiences change what love means to you.”

How your love languages affect your relationships

With all the physical changes that come with falling in love, and all the added pressure of expectations versus reality, it can seem a bit daunting when trying to figure out how to strengthen relationships and maintain them long past the honeymoon phase. If you’re looking to start with simple solutions, Dr. Albers suggests considering the five love languages, a concept created by author Gary Chapman in 1992.

“It’s a simple way to communicate the very important concept that there are various ways to feel loved,” says Dr. Albers.

The idea poses that there are five main love languages in which we express love and want to be loved, and while you may find more meaningful experiences by expressing one of these languages, your partner may find more meaning in others. The key here is identifying how you want to be loved, but also finding ways to love your partner through these five areas:

  • Words of affirmation: Telling your partner what you love about them, small acts of praise or giving them compliments are small ways to express this love language — but it doesn’t have to stop at words.You can send a thoughtful card, email or text, or share a meaningful memory, photo, meme or social media post to drive this one home.
  • Acts of service: This love language is about picking up responsibility in small and meaningful ways. Maybe your partner doesn’t like doing a certain chore, so you pick that up for them. Or, it could be as simple as cooking them breakfast, bringing them a cup of coffee or offering to run errands when they’re short on time or feeling sick. “Love is a verb,” says Dr. Albers. “Do one thing each day to make your partner feel special.”
  • Quality time: If your partner loves new experiences and date night ideas, this might be the area to focus on. The key here is to give your partner your undivided attention. Maybe go on a walk, watch a movie or pick up a hobby together. Whatever you decide to do, it’s important to do it fully with your partner’s focus front and center. “You can do acts of service while spending time together,” says Dr. Albers. “When your partner is talking, put down your phone and really take in what they’re saying.”
  • Gift giving: Roses, jewelry or any small token of your affection — this one is pretty straightforward and tends to be amplified when important events, holidays or anniversaries roll around. And you don’t necessarily need to go big or go home — a gift can be something as simple as picking up their favorite snack for your next movie night.
  • Physical touch: This could be as simple as holding hands, cuddling, a kiss or a hug. If physical touch is high on your partner’s list, sexual intimacy may also rank high on their priorities. “The person who uses words to express their affection instead of touch may have to work a bit harder to get out of their comfort zone and think about connecting through touch,” notes Dr. Albers.

The sooner you communicate with your partner, the easier it’ll become to love, elevate and support them. And if there is ever a lull in the relationship, turning to these love languages as life rafts may be key in getting things back on the right track.

“You can identify what someone’s love language is at any point and it’s really a helpful tool in helping to express how you care about someone,” says Dr. Albers.

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A Study Reveals The Average Time It Takes To Make A Woman Orgasm & It’s Not That Hard

By Manya Ailawadi

Finally, the world is ready to take women’s sexual pleasure seriously – and here’s all you need to know. Researchers have published a study that gives us the average time it takes for a heterosexual woman to reach orgasm. According to the research, it takes around 13.41 minutes. The study focused on women older than 18 years, who are in a monogamous stable heterosexual relationship.

We hope we have your attention because there’s more. The study also revealed that only 31.4 percent of participants climaxed during penetrative sex. The sample size of the research was 645 women, from 20 different countries. So many numbers, right? Additionally, it also measured ‘orgasmic latency‘, which is the gap between arousal and climax.  

This research talks about other factors which affect how you O, too. It also suggests that when the woman was on top – almost 42.2 percent of them reported longer-lasting sensations. The study was published in The Journal Of Sexual Medicine – which also revealed that the age of women and the time that they had been with their partner did not have a significant effect on how long orgasms took. So you know that the spark definitely doesn’t ‘frizzle out’.

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We’re having less sex because we’re too busy, not because of social media

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

 

By

Adults and young people in the US seem to be having less sex than previous generations, according to a study published in November 2021. As is often the case, mobile phones have been named as the cause of this change in behaviour, but is that really what’s going on?

This finding was based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), comparing over 8,500 individuals responses from 2009 and 2018.

The results echoed a similar study in the UK, called the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which has been collecting information about the public’s sexual experiences for over three decades.

The Natsal researchers have found that with every survey, the average number of occasions of sex per week has decreased: in 1991, respondents said they had sex five times a month. In 2001, this was down to four times per month, and by 2012, the average number was three per month. Unfortunately, the fourth survey was postponed due to COVID-19, though the team hope to complete the study in 2022-23.

When asked if Brits are having less sex, Soazig Clifton, the academic director for Natsal at University College London, replied with “a resounding yes”. But it’s not just the case in the UK and the US. “If you look around the world, other comparable studies show a decrease as well. So, it seems to be a real international trend.”

Studies in Germany looking at sexual activity in men and women showed a decline from 2005 to 2016, which the researchers suggest could be due to “a reduced proportion of [individuals] living with a partner”. But Clifton says that extracting the data of only cohabiting couples, Natsal researchers still found a decrease in sexual activity over the three studies.

Both the Natsal UK study and the US NSSHB study split findings between adolescents and adults. Both found that the two groups were having less sex. For teens in particular, the US researchers found a significant difference in the instances of heterosexual sex – in 2009, 79 per cent of those between the ages 14-17 said they had not had sex in the past year. Nearly a decade later, 89 per cent of adolescents reported no sex.

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Some have asked whether this could be down to young adults’ penchant (and perhaps preference) for social media and video gaming. Clifton warns that observational studies, like Natsal and NSSHB, “can’t easily answer the ‘why’ questions”.

“It is certainly theoretically plausible that people are spending so much time on their iPads and phones, connecting with others virtually rather than having sex with the person next to them,” says Clifton.

But it’s also possible that people feel more comfortable talking about sex now, compared with the 1990s, says Clifton. “Maybe people are more able to tell us that they’re not having sex. There is some statistical work we’ve done that shows we have a bit less reporting bias in our data. These decreases in biases would go along with the increased, more nuanced public conversation about sex.” However, Clifton explains this wouldn’t solely account for such a striking trend, though admits it might be part of the problem.

The idea that we are too busy – with phones, games or life in general – has been the subject of smaller, qualitative work by the Natsal. “The researchers worked with middle-aged women,” says Clifton. “And something that came up in that research was that women were too tired for sex. They had so much else going on in their life.”

“We looked at the first lockdown, which was particularly restrictive, and the impact on sex lives was really different for different groups of people.” The Natsal-COVID study showed that for people living with a partner, the frequency of sex was roughly the same as before the lockdown.

“In fact, most people didn’t report a change in their satisfaction with their sex lives. Some people say to me, ‘everyone will be having more sex because they were locked in a house together’. It’s just not the case.

“However, we were more likely to see a decline in frequency and satisfaction amongst people not living with partners, and amongst young people,” says Clifton.

Satisfaction, not frequency, is key, says Clifton. Prior to the pandemic, Natsal researchers found that most people believed others were having more frequent sex than they were having themselves. This misalignment could cause dissatisfaction in itself, one Natsal researcher wrote.

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

“It’s part of the picture of understanding society, along with other areas of health and behaviours in our population,” says Clifton.

“Sometimes [sexual activity] gets dismissed as being less important than other aspects of people’s lives. For some people, it’s a really important part of their life.”

These studies are even more important in countries with related problems, like declining birth rates. “Some of the countries who have also seen the decline in sex are quite worried about their declining birth rate – understanding patterns of sexual behaviour and frequency of sex are an important part of that puzzle.

“The Natsal study covers a wide range of topics related to sexual health, much more than just how often people are having sex. We cover things like nonconsensual sex, STIs, and different reproductive health outcomes.”

In the UK, Clifton says that there are those that would like to be having more sex, though most participants who reported having no sex in the past year said they were not dissatisfied with their sexual lives. For couples and the importance of sex for sustaining relationships, Clifton says there is some evidence it’s quality, not quantity, that matters.

“We don’t need to be worried about whether our relationship is going to fall apart [because of it].”

In fact, 25 per cent of men and women who are in a relationship reported that they do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. What we see in the media, Clifton says, is a misrepresentation of what’s normal in terms of sex. Instead of making people feel bad about their sex lives, understanding averages can help us feel happier with what we’ve got, three times a month.

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