Casual Relationships Need Boundaries Too

By Lexi Inks

Since the dawn of time — or maybe the “Summer Nights” duet from Grease — situationships and flings have been a fun way to maintain no-strings connections. At one point or another you may have found yourself meeting a friend with benefits or in something situationship-adjacent, or you may have talked about it with a friend.

However laid-back or short-term they may be, noncommittal partnerships can teach you a lot about yourself and your dating life. The most important learnings should be about establishing boundaries in a casual relationship. The name might suggest otherwise but being in a situationship doesn’t negate the need for respect or common courtesy. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel cared for and considered, no matter how casual that relationship is.

Establishing boundaries and intentions in a situationship often involves having conversations that may be uncomfortable or difficult to facilitate. To this end, we’ve compiled expert tips and IRL experiences from women who have done just that…and lived through the initial embarrassment to tell the tale.

What boundaries should I set in a casual relationship?

Situationships continue to be a hot topic — the term has 5.9 billion views on TikTok alone — as does the era of the “chill girl.” Even if many of them want commitment or, dare I say, respect from their partner, women in heterosexual relationships especially are prone to relaxing their standards and expectations in order to appease men. That said, you don’t actually have to be super chill in a casual relationship. Asking for basic decency and consideration is perfectly valid in any interaction. This can look as simple as a mutual requirement for regular STI testing or as nuanced as agreeing to honesty if more serious feelings develop.

Creating these agreements should happen “early and often,” according to Damona Hoffman, a certified relationship coach and host of the Dates and Mates podcast. “I see so many singles who are afraid to voice their true intentions because of fear or rejection or scaring away someone great,” she shares. “The negative outcome there is that you have a different expectation of where the relationship is headed and by delaying the conversation, you’re simply deferring disappointment.” The first step is making sure each party’s intentions are clear and aligned.

In terms of specific boundaries, you and your S.O. can (and should) match up on behaviours that meet your respective comfort levels and keep you both safe. Elizabeth, 28, began a fling earlier this year. She and her situationship partner established a critical safety boundary right away. Once they had shared their recent STI status, they gained a sense of trust and decided to engage in unprotected sex. While they also agreed on the freedom to sleep with other people, they chose to start using protection once the other person shared that they’d had sex with someone else.

Sarah, 31, found herself in an FWB situation with a friend. They shared a social circle so one of their agreements was that they wouldn’t spill anything about their trysts to their mutual friends. Another was that once either of them met someone they wanted to pursue intentionally, they would end their physical connection. This worked out well when each of them met their now spouse within a month of the other. Because of their discretion, there was no resulting drama or conflict within the friend group.

Whether it’s sexual exclusivity, no PDA or omitting details about other dates or hookups, Hoffman recommends that you “pay attention to boundary-crossing early on. It could be as simple as being chronically late or something as complex as making you physically uncomfortable, embarrassing you publicly or disregarding your feelings, but it all begins with setting a baseline for what you want out of the relationship and how you would like to be treated.” If you notice that your casual S.O. isn’t living up to your shared expectations, it may be time to reevaluate and communicate.

How do I set boundaries in a casual relationship?

Before you and your low-key lover set anything in stone, it’s important to understand how to establish boundaries. Although social media might have you believe that boundaries are synonymous with rules you enforce with a partner, they actually have a lot more to do with your choices.&

“Oftentimes, boundaries are introduced as a response to a situation, offense or repetitive occurrence. However, this places boundaries in the bucket of ‘coping mechanisms’ versus their proper placement within the bucket of ‘protective mechanisms,’” says Dr. LaNail R. Plummer, a licensed professional counsellor and CEO of Onyx Therapy Group. “The difference between coping and protective mechanisms is that coping mechanisms are used after something has occurred and protective mechanisms are used before something occurs.”

Rather than confront your significant other once they do something that breaks your agreements or breaches your trust, it’s important to set expectations before that can ever happen. Plummer likens this to a car alarm: When you lock your car, you protect yourself and your belongings before harm can get to them. When you forget to lock the car, the alarm that goes off is more of an aftereffect. This might translate into you cutting off the relationship if your partner lies to you about sleeping with someone else, or starts seeing someone monogamously and keeps you in the dark.

Voicing what you will do in response to boundary-crossing behaviours can prevent them from popping up in the future and make you and your casual counterpart feel more secure and safe in the process.

What should I do if a boundary is crossed?

Despite our best efforts, sometimes people screw up. In the case of casual relationships, the potential for grey areas and ambiguous expectations is high and could lead to unfavourable behaviours. While you don’t necessarily need to put up with them, Plummer notes that forgiving a crossed boundary or broken agreement shouldn’t always lead to guilt and shame.

“One should give themselves grace. While boundaries are standard and firm, we must recognise that sometimes we allow a boundary to be crossed and then become guilt-ridden and have negative self-talk,” she says. “Yes, sometimes you will forget to ‘lock your car door’ and when it happens, accept it and remember that boundary next time.” Unless the broken agreement is something that can truly harm you and your S.O., it’s valid to work through an honest mistake or slip-up if you feel like that’s the best decision. Just as the relationship is yours to facilitate, the choices you make within it don’t need to be justified to anyone outside of it.

Communication is mandatory for any healthy relationship, casual or committed, so have honest conversations about trust and any actions that might breach it. Although it’s perfectly reasonable to feel hurt if your partner breaks an agreement you had, approaching it with aggression or anger isn’t usually the best solution. “Enforcing boundaries is often easier than we make it,” Hoffman explains. “Simply name it and reframe it: Tell the person the action they took that crossed a boundary for you and instruct them how they can better show up for you in the future. It doesn’t need to be a shame fest, it doesn’t need to be a lecture, but you do need to voice how you feel and give your partner some guidance on how to honour your boundary in the future.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Sexiest Part of an Open Relationship?

— The Rules

By

Whether open or monogamous, all relationships are defined by rules. Rules, promises, vows even. Now in a monogamous setup there’s usually only one rule: Don’t fuck or fall in love with or flirt or fool around with anyone who isn’t me. It’s an easy rule to follow. And it’s an easy rule to break.

In an open relationship, rules are a little different. Their contents, and your relationship to them as a couple, is open season. Now I’ve slept with people who are deeply strict about their rules; I’ve heard of people sharing Excel spreadsheets with new prospective partners detailing each and every rule they abide by; and I’ve heard of people with no rules whatsoever.

I fall in between: The rules of my relationship are evolving, the central ones being “try to welcome change” and “be generous.” It sounds really vague, but when applied to the other rules, it means we can have generous conversations about the unruliness of human emotions.

When my husband and I first went open, he and I had a “you can’t sleep with someone more than three times” rule. And it worked, for a while. But eventually I met someone who asked me on a fourth date. A fourth date on which I wanted to go. The sex was good, my emotions were in check, and he was fit. Of course, the fear of me leaving my partner after three dates—which is why we made the rule in the first place—now seemed completely absurd. Three dates versus nine years. And so when we talked about this fourth date, it seemed like a no-brainer. In fact it allowed us to be both realistic about what it was we’d built together, and the very real fear of one of us leaving the other.

A fourth date with Hot Guy turned into a whole summer, and while there was never any danger of my leaving my primary partner, the situation neared the edges of our next rule: “Don’t fall in love with anyone else.” And so, after many measured discussions (and some not so), I ended the relationship with Really Hot Summer Guy.

It was in this process of exploring, of stretching and bending the rules, that we formulated new rules in our relationship. We met each different feeling and emotion with our two central rules in mind: “be generous” and “try to welcome change.” Change takes time, and generosity takes understanding. And so we talked, we questioned, we fought a little, and we even went to bed angry.

We learned—we’re learning—that rules are context specific, and that we don’t have to have the same emotional response to everything: He might be calm about something I might be jealous of, and vice versa. But with each different scenario came opportunity for deeper understanding about our fears, our desires, and areas of our relationship that maybe need more care. It’s always, as it should be, a work in progress.

When I first started down the route of open relationships, it all seemed so odd. So many rules, both boring and fussy. Seems like a rather unromantic paradox to me. And yet I’ve found the formulation, and continued evolution, of the rules in my relationship to be one of the most healthy and invigorating things about it. Now we are required to discuss the terms of our relationship with each other; now we must speak on our real desires because the stakes are higher if we don’t. Now we talk about dating others, the sex we’ve had, the sex we want to have with each other as a result of the sex we’ve had, as well as talking about how bad the Wi-Fi connection is in our bedroom and why the fridge keeps freezing everything.

In previously monogamous relationships, I often found that bringing up the rules of our entanglement could incite a complicated conversation that felt more like I was questioning both the relationship and monogamy itself. I probably was, and I perhaps think that my monogamous relationships could have benefited from questioning too: to ensure it was really right for us both, to ensure its maintenance. It ended because we both cheated. Although that cheating was symptomatic of incompatible desire and incompatible experiences of jealousy. And really it was in an inability to, or an avoidance of, talking about the structures of our relationship that it became brittle. If we can’t ask questions of something, is it structurally sound at all?

An open relationship isn’t for everyone. At times the rules are fun, at times they are laborious. At times you wish you hadn’t set a rule, and at times there is hurt when one person read the letter of the rule and another lived the spirit. But we must continue to grow toward each other in all of our various relationships: to understand that words and rules and definitions can only ever do half the work in describing feelings, desires, entanglements.

Now one of my favorite conversations to have on dates is about their rules, my rules, how we all came up with them, how we manage them. It’s sort of like gossip, but about your own sex life. Trust is a nebulous thing, and something very easy to lose but very hard to regain. It takes a lot of work, a lot of thought, respect, and care to nourish something that is at once so fragile and capable of bearing the weight of complicated emotions.

Rules and promises help us to maintain and further this trust. Yes, I might be sleeping with someone else, but if this sex is happening inside a set of rules created with my partner, then the sex with another person in fact becomes irrelevant. The trust lies in the rules. Some people’s rules are to break every rule. And still, the same ends—trust—are achieved.

Complete Article HERE!

Deconstructing Stonewalling

— This toxic approach to conflict is unintentional or intentional and verbal or nonverbal

Shutting down. Clamming up. Walking out. Giving up.

We all hope that we’ll rise to the occasion and communicate clearly in tough situations — that we’ll stand up for ourselves while being respectful of the needs and feelings of the people we care about.

But sometimes, when the going gets tough, our emotional walls get higher. And with every delay, distraction and deflection — every slammed door, dismissive comment and dodged conversation — those walls become harder to scale.

Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the concept of stonewalling — what it is, why it happens, and what to do if the behavior is threatening your relationships.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent. Dr. Albers likens it to turning off the light switch. “You’re having a conversation and all of a sudden, the other person shuts off. Not just verbally or physically — they emotionally disengage.”

She explains that the way we talk about stonewalling in relationships is largely the result of psychologist John Gottman’s writing on the topic. His Cascade Model of Relationship Dissolution uses the imagery of “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe the four ineffective communication styles that he believes can predict divorce. The four styles are:

  1. Criticism.
  2. Defensiveness.
  3. Contempt.
  4. Stonewalling.

His work is influential enough that it’s probably one of the first sources that pops up when you research “stonewalling” online. But even though the most popular writing on the topic focuses on romantic relationships, Dr. Albers says any relationship can encounter stonewalling. Best friends, coworkers, family members … you name it. Politicians stonewall all the time, as do lawyers. Heck, we all do it sometimes!

Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further. And it gives the person doing the stonewalling a sense of safety and control over the situation.

But in the long term, Dr. Albers cautions that disengaging from conflict — consciously or unconsciously — can damage or even destroy a relationship.

Unintentional and intentional stonewalling

Building a wall isn’t something you do by accident, but stonewalling might be.

“Unintentional stonewalling is often a sign that someone is having difficulty coping with the conversation,” Dr. Albers explains. “They may be conflict avoidant. It might even be a fight-or-flight response: They need to escape.”

And it’s often the case that people simply don’t have the skills or capacity they need to have the conversation in that moment. “It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to disconnect or distance,” she says. “It’s just not knowing how to have that conversation in a healthy and productive way.”

She adds that stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression or who have an anxious attachment style. Disengagement can also be a protective measure for a person who struggles with a high level of anxiety or has endured significant trauma. In that case, stonewalling may be a way to calm down and feel safe again. For people who grew up in dysfunctional households, it may be a learned behavior.

In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person by acting as if their attention and interest are a reward to be “earned.” People with narcissistic personality disorder may be especially inclined toward this behavior.

Verbal and nonverbal stonewalling

Shutting down communication will look different from person to person and situation to situation. According to Dr. Albers, stonewalling can be verbal or nonverbal.

Verbal stonewalling can take the form of “the silent treatment,” but it can be subtler than that, too. Changing the topic, only offering clipped, one- to two-word responses and refusing to answer questions can have the same effect. In some cases, there actually is a conversation happening, but one person is filibustering, or being dismissive, accusatory or aggressive in a way that’s designed to end the discussion.

Nonverbal stonewalling can be as straightforward as avoiding contact or getting up and walking away. Sometimes, it’s a question of body language — rolling one’s eyes, adopting a closed-off posture or refusing to make eye contact. Physical stonewalling can also involve shifting focus. “The biggest one I see is people taking out their phone,” Dr. Albers states. “That stops the conversation immediately.”

The best indicator that somebody’s stonewalling you is how it makes you feel. You may feel frustrated, helpless, confused, disrespected or angry.

How stonewalling can hurt a relationship

Truth be told, everybody stonewalls occasionally. We all experience moments when we just can’t, and that’s OK. It only becomes a problem for a relationship when it goes unaddressed. And if stonewalling becomes an engrained pattern — an established communication style between two people — it can be devastating.

“Stonewalling leaves conflict unresolved, and it can make the other person feel disrespected, or that their perspective isn’t important or valued.” Dr. Albers says. “Sometimes, people just give up, which creates an emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.”

How to stop stonewalling

The apocalypse metaphor Gottman uses to talk about stonewalling in relationships might make your situation feel hopeless. And sure, unlearning a behavior like stonewalling is difficult. But Dr. Albers encourages you to look on the bright side.

“The good news is stonewalling is a pattern that can be addressed,” she reassures. “Once you recognize that you’re doing it, it’s something that can be changed, and that change can do wonders for your relationship.”

So, how do you go about breaking down a wall?

Name the behavior and take a ‘time out’

Dr. Albers shares that the first thing you need to do to stop stonewalling is recognize the behavior in the moment. Particularly if you’re the one doing the stonewalling.

Labeling or naming a behavior can make a big difference because you’re offering the person you’re talking to insight into what’s happening in your head, and why.

“Tell the person you’re talking to that, ‘I’m shutting down right now.’” Dr. Albers advises. “Emphasize that what the person has to say is important, but that you need to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.” Then, set up a time — minutes, hours or days later — to return to the discussion.

“Don’t just leave it hanging,” she urges.

Here are a few other tips for breaking through a wall — yours, or somebody else’s:

Empathize

If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, acknowledge that your need to step away from a conflict is likely impacting the other person’s feelings — that they may be frustrated, hurt or angry.

If you’re the one being stonewalled, tell the other person that you recognize how difficult it must be for them to have the conversation.

Be mindful of your body language

Are you sitting with your arms and legs crossed? Are you looking at the floor instead of the person you’re talking to? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your body rigid, your posture frozen? “Sometimes, we’re not aware that we’re giving signals that we don’t want to talk,” Dr. Albers points out.

Vocalize your needs

Change doesn’t happen overnight — especially when the thing you’re trying to change is a communication style. And conflict isn’t one-sided. That means there needs to be give and take on both sides.

At some time when you aren’t actively in conflict, have a conversation about what you each need to get through difficult conversations. If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you’re upset, you might need time to write things out before having a tough conversation. Or maybe the other person isn’t at a place where they can maintain eye contact during a conflict, so they need to be allowed to demonstrate engagement in another way.

Accommodating each other’s needs — even in difficult moments — is a sign of respect and good faith.

Stay emotionally engaged

It’s happening. You’re shutting down, freezing up, disconnecting. You’re not able to have this conversation right now.

That’s OK. Talking isn’t everything.

“You can still engage with someone emotionally without having a conversation,” Dr. Albers offers. “Maybe you don’t leave the room. You sit next to them. You hold their hand. Even if you’re not going to be able to have that conversation, you can still be emotionally engaged.”

Respond calmly

It’s always important to be respectful in your conversations, but it’s extra important if you know that the person you’re trying to communicate with is conflict averse, anxious or has a history of trauma. Raising your voice, interrupting or adopting an aggressive posture will push a stonewaller away. Active listening skills can go a long way in a situation like this.

“Even if you don’t like what the other person is saying, respond calmly,” Dr. Albers stresses. “It’s more likely to encourage them to keep going versus shutting them down.”

See a therapist

If stonewalling has become your go-to technique for dealing with difficult situations, it could be a good idea to unpack the reasons why with a counselor. Not only can they help you sort through any underlying issues that are impacting your behavior, but they can also help you learn and practice healthier communication styles.

If there’s a specific relationship where the behavior needs to be addressed, couples, marriage or family counseling could be especially useful.

Tearing down walls and building bridges

When we stonewall, we’re emotionally disengaging from a conflict. Sometimes, we do it on purpose, and sometimes, we do it without realizing it. Stonewalling can take many forms. Sometimes it’s physical, like walking away or avoiding somebody. Sometimes, it’s giving somebody “the silent treatment.” And sometimes, we stonewall with words, by changing the subject or minimizing the situation.

Although some individuals stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often unintentional. That’s because it’s a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

While it’s an understandable defense mechanism that we all employ from time to time, habitual stonewalling is toxic to relationships — be they romantic, familial, friendly or professional. It can be a tough habit to break, but it’s worth the effort. Once you recognize it’s happening — and learn to respond in a different way — your relationships with other people will be easier to navigate and (we couldn’t resist) a lot less rocky.

Complete Article HERE!

How Learning Your Desire Style Could Help Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Shaeden Berry

When you hear the word “desire” do you think of burning hot passions?

A low urgent feeling in your belly?

Do you think of Hollywood movies and two lovers tearing each other’s clothes off, tucked behind the locked bathroom door of a party, because they couldn’t keep their hands off one another any longer?

And then, do you think, “can’t relate”? Not because you aren’t attracted to your partner, but because that urgent, spontaneous desire very rarely grips you. For some, that thought process can lead to feelings of shame or beginning to question whether there’s something wrong with them.

At the end of the day, no two people are the same, but it is easy to get bogged down in what you feel like you should want or should feel, rather than tapping into what you actually do crave in the bedroom. Learning whether you have a spontaneous or responsive desire style, or where you sit along the spectrum of desire may help you to understand how you approach our bedroom activities and ensure you’re getting what you really want from your sex life.

What Are Spontaneous & Responsive Desire?

We all exist on a desire spectrum, according to Georgia Grace, sexologist and co-founder of NORMAL, a queer- and women-owner wellness brand. She explains that it’s doubtful any of us will be wholly and entirely spontaneous or responsive, adding that it’s important to know these terms so we can understand there’s no one way of experiencing desire.

“Within spontaneous desire, the desire comes out of nowhere,” she tells Refinery29 Australia. “Like how it might be in the early stages of a relationship,” people who tend to experience spontaneous desire often don’t need an external influence to get them in the mood.

With responsive desire, things are different. “Your body needs a stimulus to bring sex to the front of the mind — whether it be porn, your partner kissing your neck, or even beginning the act of sex itself,” says Grace.

She explains that responsive desire is actually the most common way for people to experience desire, but between bodice-ripping romance novels and the way sex is often spoken about in popular culture, it “doesn’t get the airtime it deserves”.

If you exist on the Internet, you’re probably being fed a lot of content that references spontaneous jumping of bones, and not a lot of slow-building desire, foreplay or being introduced to the idea that many people need extra help or motivation to get in the mood for sex.

In fact, the stereotype that often plays out across our screens is a scenario featuring a long-term relationship, where amorous advances are being knocked back by one partner who’s “not in the mood”. When this is so often displayed as the tell-tale sign of a relationship being dead in the water, it’s unsurprising that many of us might feel the pressure to be spontaneously crackling with desire at all times and find ourselves wondering why we can’t just flick a switch and be instantly in the mood.

It’s also worth considering how these different desire styles are often presented as gendered. Whilst there’s not yet a scientific measurement for desire, Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, cites research that indicates responsive desire is the primary desire style for about 30% of women. In an article about the concepts of desire, Nagoski also highlights how spontaneous desire is so actively pushed as the “norm” in society, when, in reality, many people will only feel desire after first experiencing pleasure (i.e. responsive desire). That means, you are not broken or wrong for not experiencing spontaneous desire, and your level of desire is not an indication of sexual wellbeing.

How Can You Navigate Differing Desire Styles In A Relationship?

Let’s return to the Hollywood movie scene we mentioned above. What if, after one party says they’re not in the mood, there was an open conversation between both parties about what could be done to help them get into the mood — perhaps not in that moment, but moving forward? What if not being in the mood wasn’t treated as an issue, but rather, something that’s actually extremely normal?

Having “desire discrepancies”, as Grace puts it, is not an uncommon phenomenon within a relationship. Grace often sees couples in sessions who have differing desire styles, i.e. where one person leans more towards spontaneous desire and the other is more responsive.

If this is something you might be experiencing, Grace suggests that rather than framing it as one person having a higher or lower libido than their partner or partners, she works to help them understand that they are just experiencing desire differently.

Perhaps the responsive partner isn’t getting enough stimulus to become aroused enough for sex, and in these cases, Grace works with them to examine what she refers to as their “brakes” and “accelerators”.

Some people can be extremely sensitive to “brakes”, which are those triggers that make us feel as if sex isn’t a good idea right now and have us finding reasons to not be aroused. They can be anything from feeling touch-fatigued, stressed, worried or even wider issues of social and cultural stresses and anxieties. Meanwhile, “accelerators” are the triggers that turn you on and can be a specific scent, setting, or a sexual act.

Grace says the key is working on becoming more aware of your brakes and accelerators and managing them, trying as best you can to remove brakes and amplify accelerators.

But the important thing is recognising that there is no right or wrong way to feel desire. We don’t need to be always raring to go. But if we are always in the mood? That’s fine too.&

The first step is figuring out how you personally experience desire, and then doing what works for you and your relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

5 Simple Ways to Keep Your Sex Life Sizzling

By Shauna Harris

We all have busy schedules, routines, children, families, pets, careers, appointments, friends—shall I go on? Our lives are jam-packed with this and that, and then some more. Who even has time to read about tips to keep the flames of passion burning bright in your relationship?

That’s part of the problem; We make time for what we prioritize. We all know that life can get busy and routines can take over, but fear not. Reviving and maintaining an exciting sex life is easier than you think—let’s dive into five easy ways to keep things hot.

1. Communication is key

Think of communication as the secret ingredient that spices up the intimate moments. Open and honest discussions about your likes, dislikes, desires, fantasies, and boundaries lay the foundation for a fulfilling sex life. Create a safe space where you both feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, needs, and concerns.

Being vulnerable is exactly what is needed to elevate the heat. Exploring each other’s desires can lead to exciting discoveries and deeper emotional connections. One very helpful tip here is make sure these heart to hearts occur outside of the bedroom.

2. Prioritize quality time

Life can be a rollercoaster, and sometimes it feels like there just isn’t enough time for anything, let alone sex. Here’s the thing: prioritizing quality time together is crucial.

Schedule regular date nights or special weekends away from the hustle and bustle. Disconnect from the outside world, put away your phones, and focus on each other. Rediscovering one another in new settings can reignite the sparks and help you create lasting memories.

3. Embrace adventure together

Remember when you first started dating and everything felt like an adventure? Bring that excitement back into your sex life by trying new things together.

Explore different positions, experiment with role-play, introduce adult toys if you’re comfortable with them, or even spice things up with some sensual games. The key is to step out of your comfort zone and enjoy the journey of discovering new activities and fun things to do together.

4. Keep the flirtation alive

Flirting isn’t just for the early stages of a relationship, it’s an ongoing process that can keep your connection alive and vibrant. Send playful texts throughout the day, leave love notes in unexpected places, or simply complement each other genuinely.

Flirting isn’t just about getting each other in the mood; It’s a reminder of the strong attraction you have for one another.

5. Focus on self-care

Here’s a little secret: your personal wellbeing has a profound impact on your sex life. When you feel confident and good about yourself, it reflects in the bedroom.

Take time for self-care activities that boost your self-esteem and overall sense of happiness. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, meditate, read, or indulge in a hobby you love. When you’re in a positive state of mind, you’ll be more open to intimacy and enjoying the pleasures of your relationship.

Bonus tip: Laughter is an aphrodisiac

Don’t underestimate the power of laughter! Sharing lighthearted moments and inside jokes can create an intimate bond that’s truly unique to your relationship.

Whether it’s watching a funny movie, reminiscing about funny moments you’ve shared, or just letting yourselves be goofballs together, laughter can enhance the emotional connection that fuels great sex.

The takeaway

Remember, keeping your sex life sizzling is a journey that requires effort from both partners. Be patient with each other, and don’t be discouraged by hiccups along the way. It’s all part of the process of growth and exploration. If you ever find yourselves in a rut, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a professional who can offer tailored advice to suit your specific needs.

Your sex life is an ever-evolving aspect of your relationship. By nurturing open communication, prioritizing quality time, embracing adventure, keeping the flirtation alive, and focusing on self-care, you can ensure that things continue to sizzle in the sheets.

Complete Article HERE!

What is parallel play in relationships and why should you do it?

— It’s not a sex position, it’s better

By Sera Bozza

Do you feel too attached to or too independent of your partner? ‘Parallel play’ may be the secret to resurrecting your relationship – and it’s most likely not what you think.

Years ago, I was lost in my own world of Pinterest — my more wholesome version of doomscrolling — searching for “inspiration” while my ex-boyfriend was on the couch next to me, eager to start watching a movie.

But here’s the catch: he didn’t want to start the movie alone. He needed us both immersed in the movie together. Sigh.

It would have been the ultimate clapback if I had known about the ‘parallel play’ concept back then. And, no, while it may sound like a sex position (and sure, that’s one way of freezing an argument), it’s a much more efficient way for you to communicate and reclaim your solo hobbies while enjoying your couple time.

What is parallel play?

Two toddlers immersed in their own toys, sitting next to one other but not actually engaging, isn’t an anomaly; it’s known as parallel play. Mildred Parten, a sociologist, discovered it in 1929 and discovered that we start displaying this form of social engagement at age two.

Being together but absorbed in our respective activities is seen as a pillar of unconditional friendship. Regarding romantic relationships, though, we see things as much more binary. Deep conversations over romantic meals or alone time on opposite sides of the house, and with it, usually mounting resentment from one or either partner. 

Parallel play is the delight of being together with your partner without having to combine your activities. It strikes a compromise between intimacy and independence, providing shared experiences but not shared activities.

Why practising parallel play is crucial in romantic relationships

Parallel play allows both partners to create their own rhythm without stepping on each other’s toes. It’s not about ignoring each other but enjoying one other’s company while doing different things. Individually expressing yourselves so that neither feels suffocated.

Despite the fact that parallel play implies some independence, availability is still the name of the game. It’s crucial to know that if you want to share something amusing or intriguing, the other will pay to listen and respond, even if only for a few seconds.

Your companion is only an arm’s length away while you’re engrossed in your own world. It’s similar to having a safety net with loose ropes. Combining independence with closeness is an excellent approach, promoting a balanced relationship where autonomy does not trump connection.

It’s an excellent approach to maintaining personal space inside your shared space: every relationship necessitates some form of compromise. However, parallel play gives couples those rare moments when compromising takes a back seat. It’s a nod of agreement that says, ‘You have your thing, and I have mine. And that’s fine.’

Parallel play versus disconnection

It’s easy to confuse parallel with just being parallel, but here’s the difference: parallel play is an invitation to connect on different conditions, not an excuse for distance.

Parallel play is about intent rather than inattention: it is an intentional decision to do something enriching in the presence of your partner while they engage in their own enriching endeavour. It is not just about coexisting but about coexisting with purpose.

Parallel play provides a safe space to explore your personal needs and interests – and you practise self-care before sharing care. You’ll be better positioned to interact fully with your spouse later if your own interests thrive. 

Tips for parallel playing, well!

The best place to start is to sit down and decide what kinds of activities will work for this side-by-side hangout (and which won’t).

The idea is to use this time to cultivate a hobby or interest that is completely yours, not something that you and both enjoy and usually do together.

Lastly, parallel play should not be a chore. Continue to balance your time in your relationship with time spent alone, together, with friends, and in any other way that gets you closer and stronger as a couple.

Complete Article HERE!

Can Kink Help You Let Go of Shame and Anxiety in the Bedroom?

— Folding in kink and BDSM play can help soothe anxious feelings and release shame.

By Jackie Lam

Key Points

  • Kink and BDSM may help alleviate anxiety, release shame and boost creativity.
  • Go slow. Learn the ropes of kink before you dive in.
  • It doesn’t have to look like “Fifty Shades of Grey.” There are other options, including safer ones that may be easier for beginners.

Common depictions of kink and BDSM, or bondage, discipline and sado-masochism, include latex, whips and flogging devices. These popularized notions of kink and BDSM culture are mainstream thanks to cultural phenomena such as “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

But kink has a much broader range of options—and it doesn’t have to involve a ball gag. Many women struggling with feelings of shame and anxiety experience challenges letting go in the bedroom. Here’s how kink could help.

How can kink help reduce anxiety?

In Norway, roughly 38 percent of people have experimented with a kinky activity during sex, suggested a 2021 study. Kink is more common than we may think, and it could have some unexpected potential health benefits.

Grounding techniques, meditation and spending time in nature can help you gain control of anxiety. There’s one avenue, though, that not everyone knows can help reduce anxiety—and it starts in the bedroom.

BDSM sex may help, as kink can potentially generate flow and transient hypofrontality, or the need for the brain to think, suggested a 2022 study.

What are the different types of sexual shame?

Sexual shame is a particular form of shame characterized by feelings of humiliation or disgust around one’s own identity and sexuality, according to a 2017 study.

Feelings of shame are made up of three main parts:

  1. Relationship sexual shame. This has to do with interpersonal relationships and feelings involving others.
  2. Internalized shame. Feelings of humiliation, disgust or abnormality are sometimes expressed as bodily shame.
  3. Sexual inferiority. Feeling as if you’re not meeting your sexual expectations, often due to societal norms and cultural expectations, can result in shame.

What are the origins of sexual shame?

Where do shameful feelings about sex come from? The answer is complex and varies between people, but there are common sources.

Sexual shame can stem from several places and may be due to the following factors, said Maria “Two-Straps” Hintog, an EDSE sex educator based in Los Angeles:

  • Culture
  • Gender norms
  • Gender roles
  • Gender expectations
  • Social settings
  • Religion and the church

“A lot of the shame comes from our upbringing and our past experiences because, especially as kids, we’re absorbing gender norms and the cultural norms and what you’re not supposed to do,” Hintog said.

Those childhood experiences shape our future selves. These feelings can lead to anxiety for some people.

“So we’re told not to do something, but we don’t know why. We just absorb that information. And then, as we grew older, we’re like, ‘Why is this bad? Nobody told me why it’s bad. They just told me it is,'” Hintog said.

What is the difference in sexual shame between men and women?

Men scored far higher than women on suppressing their sexual desire, suggested a 2023 study. However, there wasn’t much difference between the two genders when it came to sexual desire or sexual shame.

There wasn’t a dramatic difference in cognitive reappraisal, which has to do with changing how a person thinks about a particular situation in the bedroom. Many of us grow up in homes that discourage talking about sex, power and consent, said Mistress Amanda Wildefyre, a professional dominatrix based in Minneapolis.

“Some of us have been taught that it’s wrong to want experiences that don’t match up with our gender or that only certain types of people can enjoy sex,” Wildefrye said.

How can kink help women express desires and set boundaries?

“Engaging in kink/BDSM is a multi-edged sword—in a good way,” Wildefyre said. “These alternative practices ask us to learn to communicate our desires, negotiate expectations and express enthusiastic consent with our partners. BDSM play also encourages us to recognize and reflect on our physical and emotional reactions during and after intimacy.” By following a safe and consensual framework, kink and BDSM can offer the built-in reward of satisfaction and affirmation of our unique desires, which may lead to a reduction of shame and anxiety over time, Wildefyre said.

“When you’re doing those things in that controlled environment, sometimes that’s enough to remind the person that it’s okay,” Hintog said. “‘I’m safe. I don’t have any further repercussions from this.'”

How can kink help you feel safe with the right partner?

A controlled environment, boundaries and aftercare can play into creating a safe space. These feelings of safety can help release bouts of anxiety and shame. “Kink/BDSM play offers a template for clear communication about likes and dislikes, compatibility and expectations,” Wildfyre said. “Safewords give us an explicit language to indicate when we need a pause or would like the action to stop.” Healing can occur during aftercare—the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical caretaking aspects after a sexual experience.

“When you’re with a partner you trust, that aftercare builds connection and intimacy,” Two-Straps said. “And it tells your brain, ‘We did this scary thing in a controlled environment, and now we’re safe.'”

How can kink help you relax and transform shame?

At its best, kink/BDSM offers a narrative-changing context for pleasure and approval for the parts of ourselves we have been made to feel ashamed of, Wildfyre said.

As a teenager, Wildfyre was teased relentlessly for being “too tall.” When she started playing with female dominance, her height became an asset. An athletic, cis-gendered masculine-expressing male, for example, might feel more comfortable indulging in being submissive, something for which they may have previously been ashamed.

BDSM activities indicated reductions in psychological stress and an increase in a mental state linked to heightened creativity, indicated a 2016 study.

Where can you go to learn more about kink and BDSM?

If you’re keen on exploring kink, Hintog suggested relying on reputable sources. Immerse yourself in BDSM 101. Find local meetup groups or sign up for workshops to build community with like-minded people.

See if there are reputable dungeons, or safe areas for BDSM, near you. When exploring kink with a partner, it’s important to negotiate boundaries and consent, explained Hintog. Kinky scenes can involve physical, psychological and emotional risk. “Education, making friends and building community are a great way to start,” Hintog said. “That way, you’re learning as much as you can.”

Let your kinky side emerge at a pace you’re comfortable with.

“If in a relationship, you can introduce a few new things at a time and explore together, which is very bonding and playful when done with a loving partner,” said Charlynn Ruan, Ph.D., a California-based clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group. “If single, there are workshops and events where you can go and observe before getting involved.”

The bottom line

If you’re new to kink and the BDSM world, have realistic expectations, Wildfyre said. Kink and BDSM play may have a unique array of potential benefits, from alleviating shame and anxiety to boosting creativity, but don’t rush the learning process.

“Even though you may have had kinky fantasies all your life, it will take some time and a bit of compromise to bring your explorations to the real world,” Wildfyre said.

Complete Article HERE!

Friends with benefits

– What a sex and relationship therapist wants you to know

By

There are many kinds of sexual situations people can get into – everything from committed monogamous relationships to a one-night stand. But friends with benefits (FWB) situations are often still seen as controversial, perhaps because of the potential for heartbreak.

Typically, FWB arrangements involve two people engaging in casual sexual activities without the expectations and constraints often associated with romantic partnerships. Unlike a fling or a hook up there is often an understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume or continue even if the physical relationship ends.

Different types of relationships can serve different purposes. Psychological research into FWB arrangements has shown they can be more complicated than media portrayals give them credit for. Unlike a fling or a hook up, FWB arrangements, often involve understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume even if the physical relationship ends.

It’s not for everyone. Recognising your relationship preference is key to understanding whether FWB can work for you or not. If you’re trying to decide whether it’s for you, take some time to think about how you approach commitment. Consider, for example, whether you have a strong inclination towards exclusive relationships.

Research suggests that some people lean towards a committed monogamous relationship while others are comfortable with arrangements across the spectrum of casual and noncommittal arrangement types.

FWB relationships tend to fall into three camps: best friends, sex only and network opportunities. Sex-only relations for example, focus on the physical aspect, while the motivation for network opportunity relationships revolves around opportunity and access to each other’s social circles. Best friends relationships often enjoy both a physical and platonic connection.

The benefits

Research shows many people have a positive experience: it doesn’t always end in disaster.

One of the main perks is that FWB relationships give people sexual freedom, without the constraints of a monogamous romantic partnership. It is like having a trusted partner to experiment with and to enjoy regular consensual sex, but with greater emotional independence.

FWB setups give partners the space and time to explore different relationship styles, as people go through different stages in their lives. For example, one person may be going through a phase where they want more than a one-night stand but are not quite ready for a long-term commitment.

FWB relationships may in fact empower younger women to get their sexual needs met in a way that is similar to men’s ability to do so through casual one-time encounters. Some women report they are more likely to have their sexual needs met in a FWB situation than a hook up.

For instance, in one study of US university students, young women said FWB was a situation where they were encouraged to express their sexuality and were not “held back” by society’s double standards such as slut shaming. So it can be an important part of people’s sexual and relational development that allows them to explore different parts of themselves.

The downsides

Jumping into a FWB is not without its risks. You could end up losing the friendship. Perhaps one person hopes for more than a casual liaison, while the other person wants to keep things simple and physical. The person who wants a deeper relationship may avoid rocking the boat out of fear the arrangement will end if they tell the truth. Those unequal feelings can end up causing heartache.

It is also worth mentioning that some people may deliberately give their FWB the idea it could lead to commitment so that they can get intimacy as they want. Here are some signs your FWB partner has malicious intentions:

  • coercing you into in sexual acts you’ve expressed reluctance to participate in
  • refusing to practice safe sex
  • gaslighting (manipulating you into questioning your own sanity or powers of reasoning)
  • unwillingness to negotiate emotional boundaries.

Of course, some cultures reject the idea of non-monogamous relationships. As long as unorthodox relationships such as FWB lack universal recognition, they are vulnerable to stigma and judgement.

What to keep in mind

As you spend more time in a FWB relationship, feelings can sneak in when you least expect it, which can hit one person harder than the other. This is one of the most challenging complications of this type of relationship. Some people might avoid these kind of conversations because they might fear it sounds like they’re taking the relationship more seriously than the other. Yet, it is important to know where you stand to avoid psychological distress, uncertainty and esteem issues.

happy black couple playing in bed
Talking straight can help avoid confusion.

There is no no rulebook for how to steer FWBs. But be upfront about your feelings and boundaries and manage expectations. This can help minimise misunderstandings. If you discover you both want different things out of the situation, reassess whether it’s time to find a more compatible partnership somewhere else.

Also remember to practice safe sex. Studies show that when people trust their partner, they are less likely to use condoms. Unprotected sex puts all parties at risk for STIs and unwanted pregnancies.

Navigating FWB setups can be tricky. From a sex therapist’s point of view, there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to relationships. This arrangement should work as long as you both want the same things.

Complete Article HERE!

How to bottom better (for the more experienced)

— Some words of wisdom about lube, positions, douching, and more for better pleasure in bed.

 

By Charles Orgbon III

Bottoming can be an intimate and enjoyable experience for many, but if you’re not prepared – both physically and mentally – it might end in what I like to call a “poo-tastrophe.” For those just dipping their toes in the water, plenty of resources exist online about how to douche, the importance of communication, and why you should carefully listen to your body around bottoming. But as a card-carrying bottom, I have a few additional items I’d like to add to the syllabus.

Here are some words of wisdom to help you experience better pleasure:

Don’t starve yourself — you can eat!

Whether it be for Folsom Street Fair, San Francisco Pride, Chicago Market Days, or Palm Springs’ Blatino Oasis, many bottoms spend entire weekends drinking only water and only eating salads for breakfast, lunch, and dinner so they can “stay ready.” Life doesn’t have to be so restrictive. I found it incredibly liberating when I realized that I have about 2 hours after eating to have anxiety-free receptive sex.

Knowing a timeframe for my body allowed me to make better decisions about when to eat without fear of whether or not I was playing gastrointestinal Russian Roulette. Everybody is different, but for me, meals with wholesome and fibrous foods, as opposed to highly processed foods, allowed me to extend my safe-zone window.

You may need to experience accidents to discover what works and doesn’t work for your body, and if a top doesn’t have patience for you to do this work, I hope you’ll trust me when I tell you that they’re not worth your time.

Save time and use a shower attachment

I bought my first hand-held douche in Amsterdam back in 2017. No one told me that there’s a difference between a vaginal douche and an anal douche. It took me a few years of living in complete oblivion, but I am glad I know now and I eventually found a douching bulb with a finer, more comfortable insert.

…until I realized there was even something better!

Shower attachments are an efficient and usually affordable alternative to bulb douches. Whether you rent or own, you can install them in your shower and they are ready to go at a moment’s notice.

And here’s a life hack: just about any hand-held shower device can be unscrewed and turned into a douching mechanism when held in the right position with the right amount of water pressure. When traveling, try finding the hotel rooms with these types of showers, and you can thank me later!

Find the right position

Many of us have heard of missionary, doggy style, and cowboy. Porn sites love to mention these as prominent categories, but what about superman, leg glider, or seesaw? And scissoring is not just for lesbians! GAY SEX POSITIONS GUIDE fascinates me with a universe of options that make me eager to try with a partner. Use this guide to stimulate (in multiple senses of the word!) conversations about what might be the best position for you. Discover the best way for your partner to reach your prostate.

The trick for partners with smaller penises

Just because someone has a large penis doesn’t make them the best in bed and the opposite can be equally said for someone with a small penis. Sex is so much more than just the physicality of our organs–so don’t discount your potential partners who may be a little less than average. There’s something you can do to achieve pleasure.

Try using a little less lube for a bit more friction, creating a more intense sensation. However, be careful to not use too little lube because friction can also lead to more internal small cuts that increase STI risk. If you’re not using condoms and lube, consider adding Doxy PEP and PrEP to your repertoire.

Find the right lube

The market presents us bottoms with many options for lube. Water-based lubes dry up quickly, but are compatible with sex toys and condoms.

Oil-based lubes such as coconut oil last a bit longer, but shouldn’t be used with condoms (they can cause condoms to break).

Then, there’s silicone lube, like Pjur Back Door, which lasts longer, but is expensive and can stain sheets and clothing.

Premium lubes, like Astroglide X, blend water and silicone so they don’t stain sheets.

I prefer silicone lubes, even though they’re more expensive. But people have their own preferences, and it’s worth taking the time to experiment with different products to find ones that you like for different things (you might like a different lube with toys than one for a partner).

Here’s how to get rid of the post-sex trapped gas

I know that I’m not the only one that’s experienced a longer bottoming session, leaving me with excess air in my gut and feeling a bit bloated. When this happens, I start by walking around and massaging my stomach. If ginger is within reach, I crunch it up and make a tea. For the quickest results, however, I drink caffeine, which excites my digestive system and allows me to expel something, hopefully some of the gas along with it. And voila! Relief!

Bottoming requires so many considerations, and this article isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list, but hopefully makes you think and offers a perspective from the receiving end of things that may be helpful.

Complete Article HERE!

20 Things You Need to Do to Be a Good Top

— It’s time for all the tops out there to step their game up!

By

The pandemic is over, and it’s time for the tops to show up and show out. Yes, we know, 99.99% of us gays prefer to bottom, but that doesn’t mean the other half of the equation gets to be lazy.

Here are 20 tips that will help you step up your top game and be sure to lay that pipe just right.

1. Have some serious foreplay

We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.

2. Don’t fear a little intimacy

I bet you gay gasped at the thought. Listen, physical touch and intimacy heighten all the sensations. Even if this is the first (and only) time you get together, use your hands and your lips just as much as your other parts.

2. Have the condoms

While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.

3. Gently enter and ask how it feels

For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.

4. Switch up positions and speeds

Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.

5. Give him a break if he’s on top

It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.

6. Do not false advertise

You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.

7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly

Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.

8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again

It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.

9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom

Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.

10. Say his name during sex

This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.

11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you

Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.

12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask

Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!

13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm

Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.

14. Help him finish afterward

Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.

15. Don’t rush out afterward

If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How Anxiety Affects Your Ability To Orgasm

By Claire Fox, GiGi Engle

If you’re someone who deals with stress and anxiety, the unwanted mental and physical effects can creep up during the most inopportune times. Perhaps you’re just hanging out, catching up on the latest episode of your favourite TV show and suddenly you begin to worry about everything in your life. Maybe you’re worrying about nothing in particular, but feel panicky nonetheless. Symptoms of anxiety include ruminating in your own thoughts, focusing on past regrets, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a general feeling of impending doom. It’s a sneaky not-so-little feeling that can happen at any moment. And one of the worst moments it can strike is when you’re having sex and trying to orgasm.

“Anxiety and stress can have a huge impact on someone’s physical and mental health all around the body and, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for sex, arousal and pleasure to be affected, too,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Melissa Cook tells Refinery29. During sex you’ll want to be present and enjoy the moment, but if you’re feeling anxiety during the act — whether it’s related or unrelated to sex — that can be a problem for your pleasure and your partner’s. This inability to be in the moment can affect your ability to climax.

Of course, orgasming isn’t the only goal of sex, but for many, it’s an important part of the sexual experience. And if you’re feeling anxious during foreplay, intercourse, oral play, or other sexual activities, reaching climax becomes harder, making it feel almost unreachable. Here’s exactly how feelings of anxiousness and stress can mess with your orgasms, and what you can do about it.

Anxiety Kills The Mood In Your Brain

For many people, focus is a critical element in experiencing an orgasm. And this is especially the case for those with vulvas. Many of us are conditioned to cater to our partner’s pleasure (especially if that partner is a cis man), putting it above our own, as society has long given precedent to the male orgasm. For those who aren’t men, orgasm can often feel secondary: great if it occurs, but certainly not necessary for a complete sexual experience.

Focusing on our bodies, without shame, can prove very difficult given this context. Though it varies from person to person, it takes the average woman about twenty minutes to become aroused enough to have intercourse. Allowing yourself the time to relax and get to that place can be an anxious person’s personal hell.

When you’re anxious, you typically can’t focus or be “in the mood” to orgasm. According to Avril Louise Clarke, a clinical sexologist and intimacy coordinator at ERIKALUST, anxiety has the ability to disrupt sexual energy and pull you entirely out of a positive headspace. “These negative emotions can interfere with the body’s ability to relax and fully engage in sexual activities,” she says. “The ‘fight or flight’ response triggered by stress can lead to heightened tension, making it difficult to reach orgasm.” In other words, when your mind is elsewhere, it creates a barrier to sexual pleasure.

“What’s more, when someone is anxious, they may be more likely to be self-critical of themselves, including about their body or sexual performance,” Cook adds. “This can affect someone’s self-worth and their overall sexual body image which can prevent someone from reaching orgasm or fully enjoying the experience.”

And it’s not just orgasms that are impacted by anxiety and stress. “In fact, sex as a whole can be affected by these feelings,” Cook explains. “To begin with, any type of stress, but especially chronic stress, can decrease someone’s desire to have sex. An anxious or stressed mind can result in someone not being fully present in the moment, meaning they lack libido or struggle to focus during sex.”

Anxiety Messes With Arousal

Stress and anxiety have long been linked to physical sexual concerns, as well. “This is because anxiety and stress can alter the body’s blood vessels and constrict them which makes it harder for someone to experience arousal and pleasure as during an orgasm the blood vessels rush to the genitalia.”

When you are aroused and when you orgasm, the body is flooded with dopamine, the brain’s motivation hormone, and oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which promotes feelings of tranquillity, closeness, and pair bonding. It’s a cocktail of all things that feel good.

When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. It is basically the arch-nemesis of orgasms. “Studies have found that an increase in the hormone cortisol can reduce overall sensitivity, again making it harder for that person to feel aroused and achieve orgasm,” Cook says. Plus, apart from stress’ impact on sex, studies have also linked cortisol to poor sleep, weight gain, and overall feelings of personal distress.

Because of these hormonal changes, stress and anxiety can also lead to vaginal discomfort. “In women, anxiety can result in the vagina muscles contracting frequently which can make penetration very challenging and sometimes painful,” Cook says. This can lead to pain, spotting, or tearing during sex. In short, anxiety impedes your ability to create the hormones needed to become properly sexually aroused.

How To Stop Anxiety From Hindering Your Orgasms

So how exactly can you have more orgasms and try to quiet the anxious thoughts inside your brain? “The most important thing to remember is you’re not alone and there are plenty of steps you can take that will help you to hopefully feel more relaxed in the bedroom and get closer to achieving orgasm,” Cook says.

Forget About Orgasms

For one, when you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, you become more stressed about not orgasming, which only makes experiencing orgasm that much harder. It’s a treacherous sexual catch-22. So, you might want to consider taking orgasm off the table for a bit and stop making climax the goal of sex. Learning to give weight to sexual pleasure in and of itself, rather than holding orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual fulfilment is a beneficial practice, in general. If you take away the pressure, sometimes things just flow better and make the whole experience enjoyable.

Communicate With Your Partner/s

Communication between sexual partners also goes a long way to help with stress in the bedroom. “I always advise couples to communicate first, in a safe and non-judgmental way,” says Cook. “Perhaps there is something that you feel you need in order to be able to orgasm or maybe you’d like to do things differently. Either way, you should both listen to each other and create an open environment where you can talk about your desires, preferences and boundaries.”

Build A Relaxing Environment

In the bedroom itself, it can also be helpful to build the right, comfortable atmosphere. “Consider lighting, candles and music to help you to relax and get into the moment,” Cook says. “You may also want to try foreplay in various settings including in the bath to help you to switch off.”

Try Breathwork Exercises

Another way to combat anxiety when it comes creeping in during sex is to simply breathe, which we often forget to do during sex. “Techniques to help you stay calm and focused on the sensations can help too, such as breathwork,” says Cook. Consciously pulling your breath into your body, letting it fill you, and releasing it slowly can help calm your mind and body. For more techniques, check out more breathing exercises here.

Avoid Drugs & Alcohol

Though it may sound counterintuitive, you should also avoid things like alcohol and drugs if you’re having trouble orgasming due to stress and anxiety. “While many see them as a relaxant, it’s also common for them to impact sexual ability and function,” Cook says.

Perhaps most importantly, though, try your best not to panic if you’re feeling anxious during sex. Be open about your feelings with your partner. Accept this challenge as a part of your life and commit to alleviating anxiety, when possible. Remember, it’s OK to ask for help.

Don’t Suffer In Silence

Anxiety — whether it’s a disorder you struggle with daily or something that happens sporadically — is a huge pain, but if we take time to recognise it for what it is and develop skills to cope, we can keep it from messing with our orgasms.

Orgasms aside, it’s also important to recognize the kind of anxiety you experience, whether it is sporadic or a more far-reaching mental health issue. If you experience debilitating anxiety on a regular basis, seeking professional help is a great first step. Society stigmatizes mental health almost as much as it does sex. Depending on the person, anxiety may or may not need the help of outside sources. Regardless, taking control of yours is a sign of strength.

Complete Article HERE!

This is how we do it

— ‘Every few weeks we both go out on our own and sleep with another man’

They’ve been together for two years, but opening up their relationship has worked for Lorenzo and Felix

By

Lorenzo, 31

Threesomes can be a bit of a juggling act. I’m thinking: ‘Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?’

Felix and I had sex the first afternoon we met, and I remember that he made a huge amount of noise. I have an office on the floor above my apartment and the walls are very thin. I have a vivid memory of being right in the middle of a particularly intimate moment and actually hearing the telephone ringing upstairs through all the racket Felix was making. It suddenly became obvious that if I could hear that telephone, everyone in the office could hear us. I did try to shush Felix a bit, but I found his lack of inhibition refreshing.

We had met on Grindr, and some of the other men I had slept with via the app seemed uneasy with their homosexuality. I live in Spain, and while it’s not exactly dangerous to be gay, life still revolves around the church. I’ve met men who wanted to keep the lights off during sex, or who kept their shirts on, or who begged me to treat them like dirt. Felix was utterly unlike that: he was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then take our trousers off.

Felix was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then immediately take our trousers off

I am the top with Felix, meaning I am the active partner, whereas Felix is the bottom. But in reality, Felix is much more versatile – he’s just forced to stick to a passive role with me because I can’t physically cope with being the bottom. It’s an anatomical thing. Mentally I’d love to, but physically it simply doesn’t work. Felix and I agree that it’s unfair that I can’t satisfy him in that way, so we decided to open up our relationship. We’ve been together for two years, but every few weeks we will each go out individually and sleep with another man. We also like to meet men together and have threesomes.

Threesomes are sexy, but they take a surprising amount of organisation. We chat to contenders online, and Felix does most of the texting because he is a lot better at flirting than I am. The threesome itself can be a bit of a juggling act. I’ll be thinking: “Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?” It’s like tapping your head and rubbbing your tummy at the same time. I think we’re getting better at them, though. I suppose threesomes, like twosomes, are a learning curve.

Felix, 28

After the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo

My sexual energy is extremely high, and occasionally a little too much for Lorenzo. If we’re in the kitchen, for example, I’ll want to be right behind him at the sink, hugging and touching and grabbing his bum. I don’t think he likes it. He shows his love in other ways, through acts of care and by how attentively he listens. He is less sexual than me, and that is partly why we have decided to sleep with other people.

We are always updating the terms of our arrangement, and part of the deal is that we debrief one another about every man we have sex with. I will show him pictures of the men I have been home with, particularly the cute ones, and talk through their best moves. Lorenzo and I have always been truthful, even about our sexual compatibility. Lorenzo is a top, whereas I like to switch roles. Because he couldn’t give me everything I needed, early on he decided that wasn’t fair on me, so he insisted that we should both be free.

We rarely agree on who’s hot and who’s not. I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. Twinks, really. That’s not his type

Occasionally I will sleep with a particularly attractive guy and then arrange a date to bring him home for a threesome. The trouble is, we rarely agree on who is hot and who is not. Lorenzo has shown me men he liked in the past and I have been like: “Ew.” I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. That’s not his type, but we take it in turns to compromise.

We have strict rules about falling in love. We aren’t allowed to develop feelings for other people. That’s never been a problem for me – after the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo. I’ll be put off by the way this strange man kisses or the way his tongue feels in my mouth. I’ll smell his trashy aftershave and it will make me think of the very specific, fresh scent of Lorenzo’s skin. Every time I sleep with another man, I end up loving Lorenzo a little more.

Complete Article HERE!

How to explore kink safely

— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…

By Alice Porter

If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.

And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.

With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.

If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.

But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.

What is kink?

Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).

You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.

The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.

Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?

Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.

“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.

Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.

“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”

How to stay safe when exploring kink

Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.

1. Have a proper conversation about consent

It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.

This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.

2. Take things slowly

Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.

“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”

When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.

3. Keep things clean

If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.

Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.

4. Use safe words

A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.

“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.

5. Remember aftercare

One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.

If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.

Complete Article HERE!

The Best Relationship Advice We’ve Gotten So Far This Year

— Strategies to resolve silly fights, hurt feelings and other issues.

By Catherine Pearson and Jancee Dunn

Experts increasingly know that human connection is integral to well-being, every bit as essential as getting enough sleep or moving your body. But relationships, particularly romantic partnerships, can be tricky. And we seldom receive the straightforward, evidence-based guidance we might get from a doctor about exercise or rest.

Relationships are a big part of what we cover on the Well desk, and we spend lots of time talking to researchers and therapists who are steeped in this stuff. So we are looking back on some of the best relationship advice we’ve covered so far in 2023.

Here is a roundup of tips to keep your connection strong and healthy.

Those silly-but-frequent fights have a root cause.

If you find yourself squabbling with your partner over low-stakes matters such as unwashed dishes or dirty laundry, pick a calm moment and sit down together, said Talal Alsaleem, a couples counselor from Rosedale, Calif.

Then, explore what is actually bugging you about the situation. Often, “it’s safer to fight about taking out the garbage” than about issues that revolve around, say, feeling powerless or dismissed, Dr. Alsaleem said.

Delve deeper to figure out what sets you off, said Patricia Lamas Alvarez, a couples therapist from South Pasadena, Calif., by asking yourself questions like: “What feeling does this bring up for me? Is it something I felt in childhood?” Then share these insights with your partner.

Ask this question if a loved one is upset.

When Heather Stella, a special-education teacher in upstate New York, has a student who is agitated or overwhelmed, she asks them one question: Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

This simple question, Jancee Dunn discovered, works just as well in adult relationships. It shows empathy, respects boundaries, calms swirling emotions and helps partners take positive action.

Finding out whether your loved one wants to be helped, heard or hugged is really asking, “How can I meet your needs?” said Jada Jackson, a licensed mental health counselor in Dallas.

Defuse a fight with four simple phrases.

Here’s a situation that might seem familiar: As a conflict with your partner rises, you picture a thought-balloon above their head and fill it with whatever you imagine they are thinking.

This relationship-sabotaging habit is known as “unconscious storytelling,” said Terrence Real, a family therapist and the author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” and “it can escalate an argument and distort the issue.” Instead of making assumptions that are possibly untrue, Mr. Real counsels people to share perceived slights using a therapeutic tool known as “the feedback wheel.”

It consists of four prompts: This is what I saw or heard. This is what I made up about it. This is how I felt. This is what would help me feel better. (The final statement, is vital, because “you can’t complain about not getting what you never asked for.” Mr. Real said.)

This process can help you shift from anger to vulnerability, Mr. Real said, so you can communicate respectfully, without placing blame.

Beware of ‘phubbing.’

“Phubbing” — a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” — is an admittedly goofy word. But research shows that ignoring your partner to engage with your phone can lead to marital dissatisfaction and distrust.

“It really can have an impact,” said Anthony Chambers, the chief academic officer at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, even if one partner is just glancing briefly at his or her phone in the middle of a conversation.

Couples should set clear rules around phone use, said Katherine Hertlein, a professor at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who studies the effect of technology on couples and families. Consider setting phone-free zones, like the dinner table or bedroom.

And don’t let resentments simmer. “As soon as you’re starting to identify those feelings of being hurt or frustrated or being snubbed,” Dr. Chambers said, “those are the times when you need to let your partner know.”

Increase your tolerance for talking about sex.

Most people rarely talk about sex with their partners, said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and co-author of “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.” Or, as she previously told The Times, they discuss it only when there’s an issue.

But Ms. Marin believes communication is the foundation of a satisfying sex life, and talking about it is a skill partners can learn. She recommends starting with compliments, maybe about your partner’s appearance or about the connection you share. It can increase intimacy, and ease you into talking about sex on a more regular basis.

Or, consider a “sexual state of the union,” said Emily Morse, a sex educator who told The Times that couples should have a frank conversation about how things are going about once a month.

Keep it brief — not more than 10 minutes, Ms. Morse said — and try to be compassionate and open. Ask questions like: What would you like to see more of in our sex life?

Make the most of outside help.

Many couples delay seeing a therapist until they are stuck in patterns that have calcified, said Orna Guralnik, a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst featured in the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy.” At that point, she said, love (or good will) may have run out.

Still, experts acknowledged that finding a couples therapist could be time-consuming and difficult. Online digital directories, like those of Psychology Today and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, can be a useful starting point. When you find a therapist, ask preliminary questions like: What will working with you be like? Have you dealt with my issue before? How do you handle secrets?

And don’t be afraid to offer feedback about your sessions, said Vanessa Bradden, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and clinical director of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago.

“If somebody came to me and said: ‘Hey, you know what? In that last session I really wanted you to be a little more direct with me,’” she said, “I would love that.”

Complete Article HERE!

Can ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Relationships Work?

By

The phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” may bring to mind the discriminatory policy from the ’90s that kept LGBTQ+ folks in the U.S. military from sharing information about their sexuality or non-cis gender. But the phrase has another meaning in polyamorous circles: a non-monogamous relationship structure that allows some kinds of physical, sexual, and/or emotional connections with people outside the core (or primary) relationship.

Thankfully, the former interpretation of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was repealed by Congress in 2011, while the latter is a relationship agreement practiced by many lovers today. But what does a DADT relationship look like exactly? And can it work? Due to the down-low nature of the extra-relationship flings involved, the answers to these basic questions can feel nebulous—so we asked relationship therapists to set the record straight.


Experts In This Article


Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is a relationship agreement where both (or all) people in the relationship have enthusiastically consented to a relationship structure where one or more of the people in the relationship are free to pursue and engage in sexual, romantic, and/or emotional mingling with someone(s) outside of the relationship.

The catch, however, is that the people in the “original” relationship do not discuss these extra-relational connections, and therefore do not know what their partner is up to, explains psychotherapist and sex and relationship expert Rachel Wright, LMFT, host of the podcast The Wright Conversations: A Podcast About Sex, Relationships, and Mental Health. “Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it’,” she says.

“Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it.’”
—Rachel Wright, LMFT, psychotherapist

Exactly what the individuals in the relationship are allowed to pursue will vary, says Brett Chamberlin, executive director at the Organization for Polyamory & Ethical Non-monogamy. “Some agreements will allow the partners to have intercourse with other individuals so long as they use barriers, while other people may limit activity to kissing in public places, like on the dance floor,” he says. In the former example, it would be considered a breach of the relationship agreement (aka cheating) if one of the partners did not use protection, while in the other it would be considered a breach if someone went home with the cutie from the dance floor, he says.

How little (or much) the individuals in the relationship ask and tell also varies among DADT relationships. “Some people might want to know who their partner is seeing and where they are going, but not any of the specific details of what happens on the date,” says Chamberlin. Meanwhile, other people might be okay simply knowing that their partner is going out—and not knowing whether that’s with a right swipe, friend, or ongoing boo, he says.

Regardless of the exact agreements at play, a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship structure allows people to receive only the information they actually want to receive, within a container that is safe, loving, and consensual. “It offers a clear and intentional way to create a filter valve on the flow of information,” says psychotherapist and board-certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST.

Is DADT a form of non-monogamy?

Great question. “If everyone involved is consenting to it being a DADT situation, then yes, it is a form of non-monogamy,” says Wright.

As a refresher: Non-monogamy is any kind of relationship wherein people are allowed to, within the agreements of their relationship(s), form romantic and/or sexual connections with multiple people, explains Wright. You may have heard non-monogamy referred to as ethical non-monogamy (or ENM), but many polyamorous educators, therapists, and practitioners are moving away from that nomenclature, she says. Simply, because there is no such thing as unethical non-monogamy—if it’s not ethical, it’s not non-monogamy at all, but cheating.

“If not everyone is consenting to the DADT situation, then that would be cheating,” says Wright. Cheating, she explains, is about breaking a relationship agreement. “If the agreement is ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ then there’s nothing being broken when nothing is asked and nothing is told, and therefore it is not a form of cheating, but a style of non-monogamy.”

No, DADT relationships aren’t (usually) just lying in disguise

DADT relationships are often stereotyped for being used by monogamous folks to excuse away affairs and other extramarital lies, says Francis.

But there are many (many!) ways for folks to set up their DADT relationship that don’t involve lying, says Francis. “There is a common understanding that being honest means sharing all information possible at all times, and under this perspective, privacy—especially when there are firm lines around it—is deception,” she says.

But in actuality, it’s possible to be honest with your partner(s) without sharing absolutely everything. People with all different relationship structures actively filter out details of what they share and don’t share with their partner, says Francis. For instance: Do you volunteer all your financial activity to your partner? Do you share with them the details of your conversations with your friends? Do you talk about your bowel movements? “Every person and relationship has different agreements about what they do and do not choose to be shared,” says Francis.

The difference: In a relationship marked by honesty, the people within the relationship have created agreements about what needs to be shared—and what does not need to be shared—in order to honor each individual’s wants and boundaries.

The potential downsides of DADT

“There can be many problems with DADT, however it isn’t an inherently flawed relationship modality,” says Francis. Still, if you’re considering the structure for yourself, certain potential issues are worth acknowledging.

Generally speaking, DADT relationship structures work best when one (or all) of the people in the primary relationship travel for work, or the individuals do not live (aka nest) together, says Zane. Without these built-in separations, you’re more likely to fall into the pitfalls of lying, he says.

DADT dynamics also generally work best when the amount of sex, romance, or other agreed-upon form of intimacy you want to have outside of the relationship is relatively low. “If you’re constantly having sex with others, and then needing to lie about what you did and where you were to your partner, it’s likely that your relationship will explode rather quickly,” sex educator Zachary Zane, sex expert for the dating app Archer, previously told Well+Good.

Given the nature of the arrangement, DADT can offer particular challenges when a boundary is broken. After all, it can be tricky to disclose that a boundary was breached without sharing information that is normally deemed off-limits. That’s why Francis says it’s important to preemptively have a plan of action in place for moving forward if this happens. (More on this in a sec!)

A “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship can work—here’s how to tell if it’s for you

1. Reflect, reflect, reflect

Sure, this type of agreement might sound perfect to you (and your partners) upon first glance. But before you implement it, Wright recommends digging a little deeper to understand why, exactly, this relationship set-up is appealing to you.

Start by analyzing your current relationship, she says, assuming you’re in one. Is a DADT relationship something that uniquely excites you… or is it your first-stop solution to a component that currently feels like it is missing? Are there other things you could implement—for instance, a weekly date night, mutual masturbation, a vibrator, etc.—that could also fill the same void? In general, introducing third (fourth, or fifth) parties is a messier, less effective way at fixing existing relationship issues than solving for the issue within the pre-existing dyad (or triad).

2. Think about your communication skills

Next, noodle on your comfortability communicating with your boo. Does this relationship structure have appeal to you because you don’t trust that your partner can share about their dalliances in a way that honors your feelings? Or, maybe it’s because you don’t trust yourself to tactfully share about your other bonds with your boo?

While these are both *fine* reasons to come to a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship, they do hint at other communication break-downs within your dyad that will likely continue to come up, no matter your relationship structure.

“In an ideal situation, the folks practicing DADT are not using the label to shield themselves from honest communication, from the vulnerable process of relationship negotiation, or to ignore one another’s boundaries by doing things in secret,” says Francis. But rather, they are open to vulnerability, have strengthened their communication skills, and are choosing this structure because they’ve discerned it’s best for them after thoughtful deliberation, she says.

3. Negotiate for success

Given that the degree of discretion in DADT agreements can range from complete secrecy to, “I’d rather not hear about details of how you spent your time together with others until I’m in the right headspace to listen,” Francis notes that you and your partner(s) will need to get granular about what the DADT framework means for you specifically.

Here, Francis offers some questions to consider together:

  1. What information do you want to know for your health, safety, or well-being?
  2. What information do you need to know to feel respected, loved, and invested in this relationship?
  3. What information do you not want or need about my other relationships?
  4. Under what circumstances should I make something known, or signal to you that I want or need to share something with you?
  5. How will you signal to me that you’d like to know more details or information?

“Asking these questions bi-directionally can help you build a solid foundation for your non monogamy, and keep your choice to practice DADT,” she says.

4. Work with a couples therapist or polyamory coach

PSA: You don’t have to make this decision all on your own. A non-monogamy-informed couples therapist or polyamory educator can help you and your partner(s) figure out exactly what kind of relationship agreement(s) make sense for you.

“I work with a lot of couples who are opening up their monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous relationship and help them come up with agreements around what they want to ask and share, if anything,” says Wright.

5. Research other forms of non-monogamy

A DADT style relationship may be what you and your boo(s) decide works best for you. However, you won’t really know if that is the case until you learn about other forms of relationship agreements.

“There are some great discord servers, meet-up groups, online educators, and written resources on these topics,” Chamberlin says. Some great starting points are listening to the Multiamory podcast, reading books like Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and following polyamorous and non-monogamist sex educators like Remodeled Love, Gab Alexa, Bear & Fifi, and Chill Polyamory on Instagram.

Complete Article HERE!