Recently, polyamory has become seemingly popular in mainstream media. It’s likely you’ve seen the word tossed around during your late-night Instagram scrolls, or via a TikTok video of someone sharing what their ethically non-monogamous relationships look like. It’s also possible you’ve heard the term “polycule” thrown into the mix, and you’ve gotten curious about what, exactly, that entails. If the idea of having multiple partners piques your interest or you’re curious about how a polycule functions, it may be a relationship style you want to explore.
Polyamory is the practice of having multiple romantic and sexual relationships with the consent of all people involved, says Jen Schneider, LCSW, a Massachusetts-based psychotherapist who specialises in polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. And it’s not uncommon: Roughly four to five percent of the U.S. population practices polyamory in some form, according to a 2021 study.
There are various ways to be polyamorous, or ethically non-monogamous; different people will have their own definitions of what polyamory looks like to them. While some people might find themselves in a closed throuple, other people might view their partners and their partners’ partners as one ever-evolving, intimate collective.
Meet the Experts: Jen Schneider, LCSW, is a Massachusetts-based psychotherapist who specialises in polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. Domenique Harrison, LMFT, a California-based therapist who specialises in interracial, queer, and non-monogamous relationships. Stephanie Manes, LCSW, is a relationship therapist based in New York.
So, how is a polycule structured? How might a polyamorous person join—or start—their own? Read on for everything to know, straight from therapists who specialize in non-monogamy.
What is a polycule in polyamory?
The word ‘polycule’ is a portmanteau for a ‘polyamorous molecule.’ In practice, a polycule is a group of non-monogamous people linked by romantic and sexual relationships, says Schneider. It can be as big or as small as you can imagine. ‘A polycule can be three individuals or an infinite number of people, as no two polycule structures are alike,’ she adds. The number of people in a polycule depends on each member’s intentions.
It’s important to note that not everyone has to be dating, interacting, or sexually intimate with each partner in the polycule, says Domenique Harrison, LMFT, a California-based therapist who specialises in interracial, queer, and non-monogamous relationships. But even if a member is only actively involved with one partner in the polycule, they’re still considered a part of the community.
In a polycule, ‘everyone has consented to each person’s participation in each relationship—and knows in some way about each person in the relationship,’ explains Harrison. That said, polycules often hinge on a partnership between two people who are married or otherwise committed. From there, their partners may have different people they are dating, pursuing, or in another committed relationship with; altogether, this collective can people can become a polycule.
It’s also worth noting that people don’t necessarily decide to actively form a polycule, according to Schneider, but instead enter a polyamorous relationship with an individual who has other relationships, thus joining an existing polycule.
How is a polycule structured?
In practice, polycules can take many different forms. Although there are overarching structure types, each polycule will be set up in a cadence that works best for its members.
In fact, people in polycules often choose not to use any kind of overly-specific labels within their relationships, as they can be reductive and create a disconnect between partners, says Schneider. This is the same reason many ethically non-monogamous people disdain a hierarchical practice of polyamory, as the prioritisation of partners can be seen as hurtful or limiting to one’s autonomy.
Still, there are a few common forms a polycule can take, per therapists:
V Structure
In a ‘V’ structure, one member of that polycule is the letter V, so to speak, connecting the other members who are not in a relationship with one another. ‘There may be one individual that has two partners, but those other two partners are not in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with each other,’ says Schneider. Although a V structure may stay platonic for those two people, over time, they might choose to become involved—resulting in a triad.
Triad
A triad, or throuple, is ‘a group of three members who are all sexually or romantically entangled,’ says Schneider. It is up to the group members to decide whether their triad eventually grows to include other participants, and also up to the individuals whether their relationship is open or closed. Most likely, all members of the group see each other as equals—there isn’t a hierarchy.
Quad
A quad is similar to a triad, but with four individuals. A four-person polycule can look like an ethically non-monogamous married couple, each with their own dating/committed partner. It can also look like two married couples who date each other, or four individual people who choose to all be emotionally and/or sexually involved with one another.
Seven or eight–partner polycule
The more people you add to a system, the more complicated they become—however, a larger polycule is obtainable with great communication and understanding. ‘A seven- or eight-person polycule can look like two couples, where each couple is committed to their original partner, while dedicated to the health, safety, and sexual intimacy needs of [their other partners],’ says Harrison. In multiple-partner polycules, it’s likely not all are sexually active with one another, yet they are all aware of each other’s role and presence.
Why might someone want to join a polycule?
Stereotypes about polycules abound, but truth is, there’s a multitude of reasons someone may choose to be in a polyamorous relationship—which, naturally, leads to joining a polycule in some shape or form.
Depending on what someone’s looking for, a polycule can help that person find community, connection, safety, a sense of risk, and/or romantic or sexual flexibility. Some people find polycules create less pressure to meet one partner’s every need. They may also generate excitement and foster experiences one can bring back to the primary partner, says Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a relationship therapist based in New York.
In some cases, a queer person might choose to be in a polycule so they can enjoy various connections and experiences with different genders, says Harrison. And in other cases, it isn’t even about gender—being a part of a polycule simply allows someone to explore and express multiple attractions authentically, which provides a sense of fulfilment and emotional intimacy across different types of relationships.
At the end of the day, polycules are all about living a life that reflects one’s values and beliefs, says Manes. Although monogamous heterosexual relationships and marriages are ‘the norm’ in Western culture, polyamory offers a freedom to connect with others in a way typical relationships structures do not, she explains. People who are polyamorous believe that it’s unlikely to find someone who has the exact same desires or interests as you, and polycules can allow an individual to have their needs met without limiting one partner or creating tension. Ultimately, polycules reflect a belief that opening a relationship circle expands our capacity for love and care, adds Manes.
What are some tips for successful polycules?
Because there are more people involved, polyamory can require even more communication, transparency, and honesty—with your partners and yourself—than a monogamous, two-person relationship might. Here’s how to be in a polycule that works, according to therapists.
1. Be direct, honest, intentional, and thoughtful about what you want.
Before diving headfirst into a polycule, it’s essential to understand why you’re interested in the dynamic and what you are looking to get out of this arrangement. And it’s even more important to give yourself flexibility in case those answers change—and be willing to discuss all of your thoughts with your partners, says Harrison.
‘If you want to join, be open and vulnerable about the why, how, and when with the polycule you’d like to be in a relationship with,’ she advises. On the flip side, if you’re opening your relationship or welcoming a new person in, ‘have as many conversations as necessary and then a few more to confirm, connect, consent, and collaborate about your and every other potential partner’s needs and wants.’
2. Learn what your specific boundaries are.
In all relationships, understanding and knowing your boundaries is crucial. But with polycules, multiple feelings and opinions need to be centered. Figure out what you’re okay with, and where you draw the line. Some people in polycules choose to meet their metamours (your partner’s partners). Others find setting a boundary to distance themselves from them is what’s best for their emotions and needs.
‘There’s a multitude of reasons someone may choose to be in a polyamorous relationship’
If you don’t know your boundaries, Harrison recommends exploring books on how to navigate and feel secure in polyamorous relationships. Also, remember that it’s okay if your boundaries change over time—maybe you feel comfortable with knowing intimate details of your partner’s sex life at first, but later decide that you’d like to revisit the topic together. Polyamory is ever-changing!
3. Create space for other members to share their goals and expectations, too.
Once you have your initial boundaries figured out, make sure you understand all other members’ goals and expectations, too. ‘Polyamory requires balancing the desires, needs, and vulnerabilities of several people at once,’ explains Manes. ‘The more transparency there is at the outset, the fewer problems you might encounter down the line.’
This involves highly intentional and constant honest communication with all parties. Manes recommends planning weekly or bi-weekly emotional check-ins, which can be a great way to offer that space for people to communicate.
4. Understand that emotions are a part of the experience.
In a polycule, it is perfectly okay to experience emotions that you have not previously had in other relationships. In fact, it’s expected, especially when it comes to meeting partners’ partners. Schneider shares that experiences like meeting your metamours, or new members of the polycule, for the first time can bring up anxiety, jealousy, or stress—these are all very common and completely okay.
In order to support yourself through these inevitable feelings best, explore them as much as you can before entering an ethically polyamorous situation, suggests Harrison. ‘I encourage folks to learn what jealousy, envy, and resentment are like for them: What have been my experiences with jealousy, envy, and resentment? Do I view envy and jealousy as morally wrong? How have I resolved feelings of resentment on my own, or spoken up to share my feelings with a partner to receive a resolution?’ she encourages folks to ask themselves. Accepting and interrogating these feelings can help you grow more comfortable with them.
5. Have regular sexual health check-ins.
Schneider recommends having a ‘safer sex conversation’ with any potential partner before engaging in any kind of sexual interaction. During this first conversation, you can discuss your own STI status and testing history, and ask each other questions about your relevant sexual history—you’ll also want to make a plan on how you and the rest of the polycule will practice safe sex.
>A lot of polyamorous individuals get STI testing every three to six months, but it’s up to the polycule how often STI/STD/HIV testing takes place, says Schneider. You can find your nearest sexual health clinic here.
6. Research and reflect on polycules and the ENM lifestyle.
Joining and/or forming a polycule should only be done with self-reflection and self-understanding. There are so many helpful books, podcasts, articles, support groups, and activity groups that explore polyamory and ethical non-monogamy that can help you understand if these relationship models meet your needs. Schneider, Harrison, and Manes recommend Polysecure and Polywise by Jessica Fern, The Polyamory Workbook by Sara Youngblood Gregory, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston, and Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but depending on your needs and wants, a polycule can provide an expansive, supportive, and romantic community. And if you identify as polyamorous, a polycule can be an affirming and loving space to explore your identity. Because, at their core, ‘polycules are a celebration of ethical non-monogamy,’ Harrison says. ‘They allow us to connect with people who share our interests, explore new things, and build long-lasting friendships and families with people we choose to love.’
When you hear the word “submissive,” what do you think of?
Many people think sexual submissiveness is all about allowing yourself to be (consensually) “punished” or otherwise denigrated, but the reality is much more complicated.
And thanks to either sensationalist or outright false portrayals by movies and pop culture, myths and misinformation continue to abound when it comes to this unique area of sexuality.
In this piece, we spoke to several leading sexperts in the world of BDSM and beyond who know what it means to navigate submissive play time in a healthy, safe way.
So if you’re curious about exploring your submissive side, or wondering what that might look like, read on.
What Is Sexual Submission?
“Sexual submission is a form of power exchange and a way to experience a consensual negotiation of surrendering power or decision-making to another person,” says Mark Cunningham, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, psychedelic therapist and owner of Adaptive Therapy.
Ideally, says Cunningham, these actions are things that are discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to the experience.
“These negotiations define how one person may demand or take action toward another person,” he says.
If that sounds a little vague, it’s in part because submission is a broad concept. BDSM play is not a “one size fits all” or uniform area of sexual expression in the least.
“There is almost no ‘always’ when it comes to BDSM play,” says BDSM educator and author Jay Wiseman.
Being a submissive can thus vary widely depending on what you and your partner agree to.
“Sexual submission can involve the use of props, toys, ropes, nipple clamps, cages, and so much more,” says Cunningham. “Or it can purely be a psychological or behavioral relationship that does not involve any use of items.”
In other words, how you play is all down to you and your partner (or partners).
It’s also important to remember that “submission and kink are not always related to one another,” clarifies Leighanna Nordstrom MA, MFT-C of Break the Mold Therapy. “Kink is about non-normative sexual expression (i.e., trying all the things you didn’t learn about in traditional sex ed); submission is about power and control (i.e., allowing someone to determine how you feel and behave during certain scenarios).”
Meaning, you can be in an otherwise “vanilla” relationship, but still have a little power exchange dynamic in a sexual relationship, or you can use submission as a vehicle to explore various kinks, such as those that often fall under the umbrella of humiliation play.
Being a Sub Isn’t Set in Stone
It can be useful to see “submissive” and “dominant” power dynamics as appetites, instead of hardened identities. (And being a submissive also does not necessarily make one a “bottom” automatically either, contrary to many people’s assumptions — it’s definitely possible to bottom while domming, and vice versa.)
In a tutorial video, the world-renowned sexologist, educator and author Midori discusses the differences between topping and bottoming, and how these terms can work in the context of BDSM power exchange — but can also apply even if you’re more on the vanilla side, too.
“Top is usually the person doing an action — being in charge, doing the tying, doing the spanking, or being physically on top, or going ‘into’ the other person’s body with a finger, tongue, dildo or penis. Top may or may not include being dominant or sadistic,” Midori explains.
“Bottom is the person who is receiving the actions: being spanked, poked, nipple-clamped, penetrated, or following the orders. Bottoming may or may not involve being submissive [all the time] either,” she adds.
Therefore, this is why, as Midori suggests, it always a good idea to ask a current or potential new partner what exactly they mean when they say: “I’m a submissive” or “I’m a bottom” — and really listen to their explanation, because all too often people make the mistake of assuming that expressing sexuality is a uniform experience or undertaking when this is not the case.
Additionally, Midori cautions against assuming that our sexual appetites for how we want to experience sexuality are set in stone: “Sometimes we get really stuck in the idea that ‘I am a top’ or ‘I am a bottom’ [but] don’t narrow yourself, paint yourself into a corner being attached to an identity; these are ‘appetites,’ not identities,” she explains.
As such, it is totally normal for your appetites to change or evolve over time — it’s merely human nature.
As Nordstrom says, “If you’re reading this, you may be developing a new appetite for submission in sex. This could be because your appetite for dominance has been more than sated, or because you have become curious what other possibilities sex could hold if you were to experiment.”
Exploring Sexual Submissiveness & Masculinity
If you’re curious about sexual submission but worried that your sexual partner(s) might see you as less manly if you’re not fulfilling the dominant archetype, that’s understandable. It’s normal to experience anxiety when we crave the acceptance of a partner and are not sure how they will react.
However, if you “zoom out” and look at the bigger picture, you can see where this anxiety is ultimately born from outdated social stigmas and sexist stereotypes of manhood and gender roles.
As Cunningham suggests, ask yourself a question: “First, whose values/definition of masculinity are you using to define your masculinity, and do you agree with that or is this something you have simply adopted without much reflection?”
Cunningham also notes that “many top leaders in positions of power like CEOs, or high-ranking military members for example, are drawn to submissive play because of the freedom, excitement, and healing that they can experience in moving outside of their ‘normal’ mode of operation as a leader or position of power.”
“Sex is a powerful way for us humans to cope and express parts of ourselves that we may struggle to access in our day-to-day lives,” he adds.
In other words, you could be the most powerful man in the world, with days filled with success and conquering, but at night you might find yourself wanting the release of surrendering to a partner who’ll be in control.
Kink and power exchange can be a great, temporary escape from reality and the baggage that comes with the performative roles we all play in mundane society.
In short, you are not “lessened” in the least by wanting to explore submission; being brave enough to admit your true desires and allowing yourself that opportunity means you can be enhanced by a new depth of connection and variety in your sex life.
How to Talk to a Partner About Your Submissive Desires
Ok, I want to explore: What are some ideas for communicating with my partner about my submissive desires and fantasies?
Assuming your breakfast conversation does not get particularly kinky, you might be in need of an “icebreaker” or two. Not to worry! There’s no need to make this terribly complicated or convoluted…
“Having a ‘catalyst event’ for bringing up the conversation can be an easy “in,” says Nordstrom. “You might say, ‘Hey, I was reading this magazine, and it made a suggestion about having positive, playful conversations about sex with your partner. I’d love to try it! Would you?’”
Or, Nordstrom adds, “Instead of springing your newfound submissive appetite onto your partner, consider trying to have a positive conversation about your whole sex life, and work the submissive appetite into the conversation.”
In other words, “zoom out” and share with your partner what you already really enjoy about being with them–and then ask them what they’re enjoying — and would like to try. This way, you both have the opportunity to be and feel heard.
As another “in,” Wiseman also suggests commenting on a book, movie, TV show or other piece of pop culture that depicts a D/s dynamic.
And notwithstanding submissive desires, having an understanding of your partner’s fantasy life can help you to better understand where they are coming from and what might excite them.
Nevertheless, it’s always good to remember that it totally is normal for someone to have sexual fantasies that they do not necessarily want to act out in real life—so never, ever take for granted the need to establish clear consent.
Now, if you and your partner already enjoy open communication about your sex life (yay!), then by all means go ahead with a straightforward Q&A session.
Midori suggests you ask your partner how they would like to feel in a dominant role.
“This isn’t about what toys to use or what you end up doing,” she explains. “This is about the core of [their] pleasure, leading to your hot submission. [Do they] want to feel adored, cruel, gentle, imperious, fickle, selfish, nurturing, powerful, or….? Then ask yourself how you want to feel: surrendered, willful, obedience, devotional, small, strong, enduing, obliterated, vulnerable, or…? And [then] find an overlap of emotional journey in your scene.”
Additionally, give yourself and your partner some grace, especially if you are navigating uncharted waters together.
“It is very common to have fear, uncertainty, confusion and many other challenging feelings in addition to excitement and curiosity when considering submissive exploration,” says Cunningham. “Do your best to name and even journal about your feelings and thoughts and to share these with your play partner so you can feel a greater sense of connection, understanding and ultimately intimacy.”
But remember: this erotic play time should also be a source of unabashed joy and delight; being open to the experience fuels the enthusiasm, Nordstrom says.
“When it comes to trying out any new sexual behavior, I have to remind my clients that sexisplay!” she explains. “This means that it may be cumbersome, awkward, messy, confusing, or funny. But it shouldn’t be a job with an expected outcome. Going into new sexual scenarios in a curious mindset opens doors for anything to happen, instead of just focusing on one specific outcome.”
Best Practices for Exploring BDSM Submissiveness
According to Wiseman, good ‘best practices’ include getting adequate education and talking ahead of time about what will occur. In other words, sexual submission is not something you ever do (or expect your partner to do) ‘spontaneously,’ and certainly never under duress.
As with many other pursuits, when you are new to BDSM, it’s best to start slowly, as Nordstrom suggests: “My recommendation when partners are playing around with power dynamics is to always start slow, evaluate how different sexual acts are working, adapt behaviors as needed, and then go deeper into the dom/sub roles.”
“I cannot stress the importance of consent enough,” Nordstrom adds. “Creativity can take over when partners engage in BDSM. That said, it’s still VERY important to check in each time a new idea gets added to the sexual scenario. With consent comes trust (i.e., I believe you will ask me before you do something new to my body AND I believe you will tell me if I’ve done something that went too far).”
Nordstrom continues: “Safe words or actions are vital to any kink/BDSM scenario. Simple, easy to say words are best for safe words. “No” is not a good safe word, because, depending on the intensity of the scene, you may be begging your partner to stop when what you really want is for them to keep going.”
And this is where sexual submission can baffle outsiders.
“The funny thing is that in a power exchange relationship, the person who is in the submissive role is actually in a greater degree of control, because of their prior defining of their soft/hard boundaries and in their ability to create the play scene and rules with the dominant or master partner(s),” Cunningham explains.
As such, it is important to understand that the best BDSM scenes involve mutual collaboration between the submissive and the dominant well ahead of play time. If the power exchange feels one-sided or reluctant, then it’s really not a true exchange and the excitement is lost.
“Kink desires are much like appetites,” Midori says. “Creating a scene with your partner is like planning, cooking, and sharing that meal together. Even when you are surrendering in the scene, the creation is collaborative. Both of you have to like the ingredients and the whole meal for it to be fantastic.”
If you live in New York, it’s very possible you’ve recently found yourself chatting with a co-worker, or listening to the table next to you at a restaurant, and heard some variation of “They just opened up, and they’re so much happier.” Or “My partner’s partner truly sucks.” Ethical non-monogamy isn’t new (The Ethical Slut, the polyamorous bible, came out in 1997), and it isn’t exactly mainstream, but it isn’t so fringe either (or reserved for those who live in the Bay Area). A curious person might be tempted to download Feeld or let their partner know over salmon they’re ready to let in a third. But though people don’t talk about it in hushed tones anymore — Riverdale just ended with Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica in a quad, after all — it isn’t such a simple thing to do well. There are a million things that can go awry, from the small and awkward (oversharing about a date) to the enormous and life-imploding (ending an otherwise fine relationship). The poly-curious among you likely have questions about the day-to-day operations — how do you tell your kids about it? Where do you find people to date? What if your partner gets way more matches than you do? What if their new partner is way hotter than you? To that end, we’ve created an exceedingly in-depth guide. We talked to nearly 40 people — some who’ve had open relationships for decades, others who only recently opened things up — to figure out how to capably, or at least less messily, date non-monogamously.
Is There Only One Way to Do It?
There are many, and choosing which one suits you depends on a lot of factors: Are you currently in a relationship? If you are, do you want other relationships to take equal priority? Do you want to fall in love with other people or just have sex with them? A non-exhaustive taxonomy.
Open Relationship: In a strictly technical sense, this is when you and your partner can have sexual, but not romantic, relationships with other people.
Swinging: A couple who have sex or dates with other people as a duo.
Hierarchical polyamory: When you and your partner can have relationships — romantic or sexual — with other people but have agreed to remain each other’s primary partner. You might pursue these relationships as a couple or separately.
Nonhierarchical polyamory: There are no primary partners in this scenario — everyone is on an equal footing.
Solo-poly: A single person pursuing multiple intimate or sexual relationships while trying to avoid riding the Relationship Escalator. This means you’re not particularly interested in, say, sharing a home or bank account with any one person.
Wait, What Is a ‘Metamour’?
Becoming non-monogamous doesn’t mean you have to join a ten-person polycule or memorize ‘The Ethical Slut.’ Still, there are terms that many non-monogamous people will use while discussing their arrangements, and it’ll make things easier to familiarize yourself with at least a few.
Comet partner: A romantic or sexual partner who might live far away or appears in your life only occasionally. When around, you pick up your tryst, but there are no obligations to one another between these meeting points.
Compersion: The pleasure you derive from your partner enjoying romantic or sexual happiness or success with a person who isn’t you. The opposite of jealousy.
Kitchen-table polyamory: A style in which everybody in a polyamorous network — primary partners, tertiary partners, metamours — is encouraged to form close and friendly relationships with one another (without necessarily being romantically involved) to the point where they can all sit down and have dinner without its being weird.
Metamour: Your partner’s other partners whom you are not also dating.
Monogamish: Often attributed to relationship columnist Dan Savage, this arrangement is at the halfway point of monogamous and open: You and your partner are exclusively committed to each other but allowed purely physical encounters on the side. Think of Cameron and Daphne from White Lotus, season two.
New-relationship energy (NRE): The all-consuming, chemistry-altering high that accompanies the early period of being romantically involved with a new person. NRE, and the chance to experience it many times, is cited as one of the biggest perks of polyamory, but it’s also one of the biggest sources of anxiety when a partner is experiencing it with someone else.
Nesting partners: The partner(s) with whom you live. Not necessarily a primary partner.
One-penis policy (OPP): Probably the most-hated concept in the world of ethical non-monogamy; this is often when a cis straight man only allows his female partner to sleep with another person who doesn’t have a penis.
Polysaturated: When you’ve reached maximum capacity on partners and/or time.
Primary partners: For people who practice hierarchical non-monogamy, this is the relationship that comes above all others in terms of time, commitment, loyalty — sometimes the person you share a home, finances, or children with. If you have a primary partner, you might refer to your other partners as secondary or tertiary.
Relationship escalator: This refers to the way in which monogamous people, by default, “level up” their romantic relationships: how they go from dating to becoming exclusive to living together to getting married to merging finances to having children. A process that many non-monogamous people want to avoid or at least question.
Vee structure: A three-person arrangement in which one person acts as the “hinge,” or point of connection, while the other two don’t have a romantic or physical relationship with one another.
Veto Power: If you’re in a primary partnership, you may grant each other the ability to call for a change in each other’s outside relationships — whether they’re spending too much time with a person or you simply object to them dating that person as a whole. A controversial concept within the poly world.
How Do I Broach This With My Partner?
There are so many ways this conversation could go wrong. So we asked three couples who handled it well — and one who might have handled it better — to tell us how they first proposed it.
Julia told Matt she had a crush.
Julia: After we had our child, I went through a few years of lacking sexual interest. It got to the point where it felt like I might never be interested in having sex again and that would be fine. That began to change in May 2022. I started having a crush on someone. I didn’t know if I was even going to tell Matt, but I didn’t want to repress this part of myself. And I didn’t want to cheat on him. Eventually, I told him about this crush, how I was feeling different and vibrant. I said, “I’m feeling more open about my sexuality and more interested in exploring it.” He said, “Are you asking to open the marriage?”
Matt: We talked and cried for hours. But I knew it made no sense to hold her back. I was like, I’m not going to get in your fucking way.
Julia: It was still an unresolved idea, and we sat with it for a week. I never wanted to push it, I wanted to wait for him to be the one to suggest it. Eventually, he said, “I don’t want to hold you back from being yourself.”
Misty reminded Ari of an old conversation.
Ages: 29 and 29 Open for: 3 years
Misty: The conversation happened after Ari came out as nonbinary. I brought up these conversations we had had in college about having threesomes. I used to say, “I would only do it if it was two guys. I’m not gay.” He’d say: “I’d do it if it were two girls. I’m not gay.” So at the time we thought, Okay, well, then we’re never going to do this.
Ari: You had just come out as pansexual. You said, “Maybe we can talk about what it would look like for me to start exploring that part of my sexuality.” I was shocked at my own response because in the past I’ve been very territorial and heavily monogamous. But I was like, “Yeah, let’s start talking about it.”
Misty: You had the moral high ground of, “Oh, my wife is coming out to me. This is me honoring someone’s queerness.” Literally a few months later, at my birthday party, there was a girl there we were really into, and the threesome happened. The next day, we were like, “Wow, that was fun. Should we download Feeld?” I do think the first conversation was deceptively easy.
Steven and Andrew talked about flirting.
Ages: 45 and 39 Open for: 7 years
>Steven: Andrew can tell me every single day that I look great, that I look sexy. And of course I want to hear those things, but there’s a difference between your husband telling you that and someone you’re not married to saying it.
Andrew: Every year, we’d go to this Christmas party. It was lots of gay men on Broadway. They were all beautiful, and it was a party full of flirting. I remember one time asking Steven afterward, “How do you feel about me flirting with other people?” Because I felt the same way Steven did — a beautiful man at that party can make me feel sexy in a way that my husband can’t. So we discussed those feelings and talked about how we both thought it was healthy. That was a gateway for us.
Eva gave Tomas an ultimatum.
Ages: 30 and 30 Open for: 8 years
Tomas: I was in Europe, she was in the U.S., and she wasn’t happy with the relationship. We got to a stage where she said, “Either we open it up or we have to break up.”
Eva: I obviously know now that in the literature there’s this idea of non-monogamy by coercion, and that isn’t great. But it was challenging to do long distance. Also, Tomas was my first serious relationship, and I had this fear that I would settle too early. I wanted to date other people.
Tomas: It was not something I ever considered. I always saw myself in a monogamous relationship and married with kids and all that. But we talked about it over a few months, which helped.
Eva: At the beginning, he thought I was trying to find a way to replace him. Over time, when he realized that wasn’t happening, he was more fine with it.
Should We Come Up With Some Rules?
When couples start being non-monogamous, there are, in general, two kinds of rules they tend to set. The first is about the structure of the arrangement. Are you seeing new people as a duo, or is it okay to pursue an outside relationship on your own? Are you remaining each other’s primary partners, or are you eliminating the hierarchy entirely? Breaking these kinds of rules can feel like a violation or at least require serious negotiation. A few years ago, Alice and her husband opened their marriage. They knew they wanted to date together and had started seeing another couple but hadn’t set firm rules. One day, the four of them were together at a food festival in Brooklyn. “I had to go off somewhere, and the other husband had to go off somewhere. So my husband and the woman were left at this food festival and ended up going back to our apartment together and then slept together,” she says. “We hadn’t clearly said, ‘No, that’s not allowed.’ It was murky. But I felt really betrayed and devastated, which I think is hard for people outside of the lifestyle to understand.”
The second kind of rules are of the more tactical, logistics-y variety. Keep your wedding ring on always, for example, or no sleepovers at home, or no more than two dates with other people per week. Nearly every couple we spoke to said that these types of rules are more like training wheels: important to set up and follow in the beginning to make everyone feel safe but likely to fall off as people get more comfortable. Brittany and Roy gave each other curfews, which they stuck to in the beginning, until needing to be home at a certain time started to make them feel constrained and they realized they didn’t really care. It became a specific request for specific circumstances, like if one of them was sick. Blake and Paula had the “no sex in the shared bed” rule for a while, “but at a certain point I was like, ‘I personally don’t care anymore whether you have sex with someone else in our bed,’” says Paula. “This does not seem important to me. ‘Go forth and let’s see how it feels.’ And then you did it and I did it. And we were both like, ‘Oh, this is fine. We don’t care.’” Some non-monogamous people are skeptical of rules in general. “I think a path for success for an open couple is to be able to be very present, treat every moment as if it’s unique,” says Robert. His partner, Olivia, adds, “If you had a set of rules, it would almost feel very strict, like monogamy.”
Where Do I Meet People?
Unless you live in Brooklyn or San Francisco (and even if you do), chances are you’re meeting people on the apps. Many default to Feeld, the non-monogamy and kink-friendly dating app, but you could do just as well somewhere like Hinge, matching only with others who label themselves non-monogamous. If you and your partner are dating separately, you might consider acting as each other’s wingman. After Toni opened her marriage, she found that she was having trouble meeting women. “I joined several apps, and nothing was really happening for me,” she says. Her husband, Tom, started matching with people he could potentially set her up with on Feeld. To one woman, Clarissa, he wrote, ‘Hey, my wife would love to speak with you separately without me, are you okay if I connect you?” then put Clarissa and Toni in a group chat. The two of them dated for a few months.
Does My Wife Want to Hear About My Night?
Some couples who date separately follow a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy — this can work well for those who like a little secrecy or just don’t want to talk about everything. But more often, couples like to share at least some details about how their respective love lives are going. Some ways to make those conversations less fraught.
Don’t debrief immediately.
“When we get home from a date with somebody else, that’s not the time to talk about it,” says Ethan, who opened his marriage three years ago. In that moment, he says, the most important thing is to reassure your partner: “Hey, I came home to you, and I want to be with you.” He adds, “Then, after some time has gone by, you can say, ‘How did the date go?’ It’s easier the second day.”
And don’t go into every detail.
Even if you and your partner want to be transparent with each other, it doesn’t necessitate giving a play-by-play. For one thing, too much information could send your partner into a spiral of anxiety or insecurity. Plus it’s not always the most considerate to the partners who aren’t in the room. “It feels a little bad to talk about every little thing you did with somebody, especially if they don’t have the ability to tell their own story,” says Blake, who has been partnered for ten years and poly for seven. “It’s just bad manners.”
But do consider sharing breakthroughs.
The one exception to Blake and his wife Paula’s rule is when they have a sexual first. “The first time I fisted someone, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Blake,’” Paula says. Another time, Blake called her with news. “I was like, ‘I fucked a guy in the butt,’” Blake says. “We celebrated.”
And findings.
“There’s one guy that I was with, and it was just a fabulous experience,” says Emily, who is married to Ethan. “I told him I couldn’t squirt. He said, ‘I am telling you, you can,’ and at the end of a four-hour session with him, I squirted for the first time.” Upon hearing about this, Ethan felt insecure. “But then I said, ‘Okay, what did he do? Let me learn,’” he says. “Now I think we need to send him Christmas cards.”
Should We Sleep With Them on the First Date?
If you’re a couple on a date with another couple, there are things to consider that you don’t have to think about as a single on a date with another single. “We’ve been a lot of couples’ first dates after they’ve opened up their relationship,” says Amelia, who frequently dates other couples with her husband, Chris. Below, the two share some advice.
Amelia: We’ve been together eight years, and it’s exciting to see that charming first-date persona anew in your partner.
Chris: But we often notice that other couples seem unsure of what they want out of the situation. We will say, “What are you guys hoping for?” And they’ll say, “We never really talked about it.” So we’re often putting the brakes on. People will want to go out for drinks, then go back to their place, and it’s like, “No, it would be better if you guys went home, processed your feelings, and then let us know if you’re both interested.” A red flag is when one partner seems overly excited and the other is pulling back. And sometimes two people just clearly want different things. So we try to really communicate — like, we’ll say, “Hey, are you in this pile of eight people because you want to be, or are you in it because you feel like you need to be?”
Amelia: When dating together, we have pretty good game: We’ll tee each other up to be charming. But sometimes we just have more of a connection with only one of the people in the couple: Our current girlfriend and boyfriend both started out as part of other couples. Things didn’t work out with the other partner, but we kept seeing them.
Am I Being Nice Enough to My Boyfriend’s Girlfriend?
If you’re not in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, you may find yourself getting to know your partner’s partners, otherwise known as your metamours.
Don’t think of them as rivals.
When it comes to her husband’s girlfriends, Ali goes out of her way to avoid acting territorial. “I’m not in competition with these women. It’s not like, I’m more important because I am his wife. I am here to make sure that their needs are being met as well as mine,” she says. In the past, she’s given her phone number to new people her husband is dating in case they’re feeling unsure about him and want to talk. She’ll also intervene to make sure her husband is being a good boyfriend. “He has a girlfriend that he’s been with for two years,” she says. “I know the relationship is important, so sometimes I’ll facilitate. I’ll ask, ‘Have you FaceTimed or seen Daphne lately?’”
It’s okay to say, “Hey, this is our thing.”
Alejandra recently went on a trip upstate with Diego (her primary partner), Ivy (Diego’s partner), and Nathan (Ivy’s partner). It was the first vacation the group had taken together, and Alejandra pulled her metamour, Ivy, aside. “In bed, I refer to Diego a lot as ‘Daddy,’ and the one thing that I asked Ivy not to do in front of me on this trip was call him that because that might make me uncomfortable,” Alejandra said. “Ivy was like, ‘Oh, that’s totally fine. I’ve never called him that in my life.’ I was like, ‘Great.’”
But also, it’s not all on you.
A lot of the responsibility lies with the hinge, or mutual partner, in making sure nobody feels neglected. “When you are the middle person, you need to make sure that you’re giving equal amounts of attention to those two people,” Alejandra says. “It can be mental gymnastics: Okay, I held this person’s hand. So I have to hold this person’s hand. Oh, I gave this person a kiss. Oh, fuck, I want to make sure that everyone feels loved.” On their trip upstate, Diego, the hinge, was openly affectionate with Ivy in front of Alejandra, but later, when Alejandra began feeling insecure, he reassured her. Alejandra describes the situation: “I’m like, I’ve gained about 20 pounds, so I do not feel super-comfortable in my skin, and Ivy’s gorgeous. As soon as I felt that, I just started talking about it in front of everyone, and Diego told me some nice things, that I’m superhot and fuckable, and that’s what I needed. He did a great job. I would love to go on a little trip with them all again.”
But if your metamour is giving you a genuinely bad feeling, don’t ignore it.
Ali recalls a former metamour who grew angry after she and her husband tried to set boundaries. “She told him she had HPV, which is not a scary thing to most people, but I have a family history of cancer,” Ali says. “I said that certain sex acts are off the table, and she ended up exploding on him on his birthday while he was with his family, just keeping him on the phone for hours and hours.” The relationship ended on its own, but if it hadn’t, Ali would’ve intervened. “The language would have been, ‘I noticed so-and-so is treating you in this way, and I feel like you deserve better.’”
How Much Time Does This All Take?
You might be thinking at this point, I have a job, and a partner, and friends, and hobbies. How in the world am I going to make time for dating, and then talking about dating, on top of all of that? Some non-monogamous couples keep shared Google calendars or reserve one night a week for each other. Julia, who is in an open marriage with her husband, Matt, breaks down how they manage their week-to-week and what she’s had to give up to make room.
Matt and I have an agreement about how much time we can spend with another person weekly. Spending a whole evening out once a week, either Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, is totally fine; usually, it’s after we have dinner with our young child, so from 7 p.m. till 1 a.m. And then we’re okay with each other sleeping over somewhere else once every two weeks.
Right now, I feel at capacity with one secondary partner and my husband. If my one secondary partner were way more casual, then maybe I could date two people. In order to keep my nuclear family my priority, the amount of time I put toward this other relationship has a maximum. I’d guess it takes up, or keeps me away from Matt, eight to 12 hours a week, depending on if I stay over at my partner’s or not.
I think I’ve ended up sacrificing my more introverted hobbies. So I’ve done less reading. The gardening and yard work and just a lot of home-improvement stuff I let go to the wayside. I’ve done less crafts. I think Matt has too. I know he’s put aside house projects because he needs time to go on dates. He used to do a lot more woodworking.
Some poly people prefer not to tell every single person in their lives — it simply seems unnecessary, or they don’t feel like explaining or receiving judgment. Others find it more challenging, logistically and emotionally, to keep it private. (What if someone spots you out and thinks you’re cheating? Or you need to tell work you’re leaving early to pick up your partner’s child?) Writer Molly Roden Winter explains how she navigated talking to her children about her and her husband’s open marriage.
My husband and I never planned to tell our children about our open marriage. But seven years after we took our first fumbling steps toward non-monogamy, I got off a plane to find a series of text messages from my then-13-year-old son, Daniel. “Mom,” he wrote, “are you and Dad in an open marriage?” My husband, Stewart, had left his OKCupid profile open on his laptop, and Daniel had seen it.
I found a spot against the wall of the Houston airport to call him. When Daniel picked up, I began by telling him how happy his father and I were, how we were always honest with each other. But Daniel’s main question surprised me. “I get that Dad has time for it,” he asked. “But when do you do it?” This question brought me relief: Like many mothers with a full-time job, I’d worried that I wasn’t spending enough time with my children, and using precious nonworking hours to go on dates made me feel particularly guilty. Here was proof that, in Daniel’s mind at least, I was around so often he couldn’t fathom my managing to be anywhere else.
Daniel, the eldest of my two boys, had always been eminently reasonable. As an infant, he cried only when he needed something, and in elementary school, Daniel’s teachers often commented on his extraordinary comfort level with adults and his ability to mediate conflicts among his peers. With him, I had always leaned toward honesty: I’d told him about my limited drug use as a teenager, my fraught relationships with eating and body image, and my family’s history of mental illness. But speaking to my son about my sex life felt far more difficult. “I don’t do it very often,” I lied.
Daniel seemed satisfied, but over the next few weeks, once I returned to Brooklyn, he was consumed with curiosity about my whereabouts. “Where are you going?” he asked. “Are you really going to see a friend? Are you sure you’re going to the gym?” Stewart, meanwhile, continued to come and go as he pleased. “Why doesn’t Daniel ask where you’re going?” I asked Stewart one night. “Why doesn’t anyone seem to care if fathers have sex, but every mother is supposed to be the goddamn Virgin Mary?” Stewart offered to speak to Daniel, who afterward apologized to me. “I’m sorry I’ve been asking where you’re going all the time,” he said. “I know it’s private.”
“It’s okay, honey,” I answered. “It’s just that I don’t think you actually want to know if I’m on a date. And sometimes I really am just going out with friends or to the gym.” Daniel nodded. He’d try not to ask, he said, “but if I do, can you just lie if you have a date?” He seemed to agree: My dishonesty was also in his best interest.
While Daniel had always been compliant and even-tempered, his younger brother, Nate, had a penchant for emotional extremes. At the end of our phone call in the Houston airport, I’d asked Daniel to put away his father’s laptop; while he may have been mature enough to handle the truth, I hoped to keep our open marriage hidden from his younger brother as long as possible. But four years after Daniel called me in Houston, I was in my bedroom when I heard a scream from downstairs. Nate burst in with Stewart’s old iPhone in his hand. “Mom!” he shouted. “Dad’s cheating on you!” He had found pictures of Stew with his girlfriend.
Rather than asking questions stoically and matter-of-factly, as Daniel had when he first discovered Stewart’s dating profile, Nate’s eyes were wide, his breathing rapid. “Are you getting a divorce?” he asked. No, I said. He asked me who the woman was. “You don’t need to know who,” I said. “The important thing is I know who she is, and Dad isn’t cheating on me. Cheating means you lie, and Dad and I always tell each other the truth.”
There I was, standing on the same line between boundaries and honesty, exactly where I’d stood with Daniel four years earlier. Yet what I’d learned from Daniel was only halfway applicable. While Daniel was a classic introvert — often cutting discussions short in order to process his feelings alone — Nate was more like me, an extrovert who preferred to talk through complex emotions. Tell Nate too much, and he’d be anxious. Tell him too little, and he’d fill in details with his own worst fears. I checked my mind and my gut for signs of the old shame, but it registered only as a weak flicker. Calmly, I told Nate that his father and I had an open marriage. “Should we FaceTime Dad at his office?” I asked. While Stewart and I had spoken to Daniel separately when he first found out, I’d come to understand the importance of presenting a united front. Stewart and I proceeded to tell Nate our beliefs about open marriage — our commitment to each other, the emphasis on honest communication, the affirmation of each other as our life partners of choice. There was one question Nate came back to over and over again. “Just promise me you guys still really love each other,” he said.
In the months after, additional questions arose. “Are you sleeping with my orthodontist?” he asked. “No,” I responded. “Non-monogamy doesn’t mean you sleep with everyone. And I would never get involved with someone you know.”
“Cool,” he said, relieved. Then, a few days later: “Do you and Dad still like having sex with each other?” I said “yes,” to which Nate replied, “Okay, okay. Don’t say anything more!” Over time, Nate’s questions became less frequent. Stewart and I had always been affectionate with each other in front of the kids, but now I often saw Nate peeking around corners when Stew and I hugged, or jumping between us happily when we held hands on weekend outings or family vacations. And if Stewart and I fought in front of the kids, we tried to make sure they bore witness to our reconciliation as well.
Daniel, who is now an adult, recently confessed that back when he was 13, he’d been more upset about the open marriage than he’d let on. Like Nate, he’d equated open marriage with infidelity, fearing that any arrangement outside the conventions of monogamy was verboten. Would his parents stay together? Would the foundation of our family crumble beneath his feet? “It’s okay, though, Mom,” he said, registering my panic. “I’m fine with it now.” What helped, he said, was that nothing actually did change: My and Stewart’s marriage remained strong. Plus, he said, he grew up. It is tempting to believe that the choices we parents make are helping to shape our kids into confident, secure adults, but our children, ultimately, will become who they will become — maybe thanks to us, maybe in spite of us, and maybe a little bit of both.
And What About My Co-workers?
Katie Coyne, the environmental officer for the city of Austin, suggests being casual about it.
I’m married, and we’ve been poly for about two years. I have a public-facing job. It’s really important for me to feel like I’m not hiding anything about myself or hiding people who are important to me. I have it sort of worked out now. With people I’m closer with, I’ll just slide it in casually. For instance, when I was dating someone who has kids, I was going to soccer games and doing some part-time co-parenting. So at a happy hour with my staff, when someone asked what I was doing over the weekend, I said, “I’m going to my partner’s kid’s soccer game.” He was like, “Oh, I didn’t know you and your wife had kids.” I said, “Oh, we don’t. It’s my partner; I’m polyamorous.” The only person I was afraid to tell was my boss because he’s pretty religious. But the day after another partner and I broke up, we had an all-day executive-team coaching retreat. At the end of the day we were going to happy hour, and I said to him, “Hey, most of the rest of the executive team knows this about me, but I wanted to tell you that I am upset because my girlfriend and I broke up last night. I’m polyamorous.” He didn’t know how to react, but he’s adapted. A few months ago, I even took a date to a fundraiser. One of the organizers was like, “Oh, is this your partner?” And I said “No, actually, we’re on a date!” And my boss was like, “Great to meet you.” Everyone’s kind of rolling with it.
What Can Go Wrong?
More people means more interpersonal dynamics — double or triple the giddiness, maybe, but also double or triple the jealousy, anxiety, abandonment, and painful breakups.
The hierarchy might shift.
For the first five years of our open relationship, Eva and I were each other’s primary relationship. Any outside relationships never got super-serious. I was under the impression that that would always be the case. Then, two years ago, Eva met this other person and they fell in love. She started spending more nights at his house, and the relationship developed to a stage where Eva was very emotionally involved. Now her other boyfriend and I are on an equal footing in terms of the importance in the relationship. We celebrated her birthday together this year. — Tomas
You might become a third wheel.
One time, we met a girl who showed interest primarily in Ethan but said she was also interested in me. We had her over for drinks, and when things carried into the bedroom, it was clear that the focus was really him. It was our first threesome. At one point, we were talking about what we all wanted. So I said to Ethan, “What do you want? I want you to have what you want.” And he said he wanted to fuck the other girl. Then they went off to do their thing and I wasn’t involved. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I left the house. —Emily
Your partner might date someone who wants you gone.
The first time that Blake fell in love with someone else, it felt clear to me that she hoped that she would win him over and that he would leave me for her. When I met her in person, it didn’t feel to me like, Oh, she’s not ready to meet me. It felt like, She’s bummed about me. She was sad. She did not want me in the picture. Since then, I’ve met other women Blake has been in love with and it’s been great. And I’m able to look back and say, “The vibes were really off.” —Paula
They might realize they’d rather be monogamous.
We met on OKCupid and had both set ourselves as non-monogamous. We’d both just gotten out of eight-year relationships. She and her ex had decided to be non-monogamous to try to save their relationship. Over the course of ours, she basically figured out a poly relationship was not really what she wanted. I was encouraging her to date. I thought over time she’d become more comfortable. But she didn’t. She’d get really anxious and have a lot of fear and jealousy when I was trying to date. She’d say, “Hey, please don’t do this. I’m not ready for it.” There was this sense that I was somehow hurting her, and she felt like she was cheating on me when she went on dates with other people. I felt constricted. And then there was the fact that we kind of wanted different things — like, she wanted to have a child very soon. Over time, once we realized this feeling wasn’t going away, we started talking about ending the relationship. We’d do this thing sometimes where we’d lie around and scroll through OKCupid and try to find people for each other. She came across this one guy’s profile one day, and I was like, “Oh my God, you have to, like, go out with him. He’s just like me except better for you than I am.” And she did, and she ended up married to him, and they had children soon after. —Nikhil
You might tire of your secondary status.
I was dating somebody — I’ll call him Michael. And he was in a primary relationship with Michelle.
At the time, they were making a lot of space for loving other people and inviting those lovers or boyfriends into their home and on vacations with them. I was their secondary. I was very connected to them, and I very much fell in love with Michael. Michael very much fell in love with me. I was supporting Michael while he prepared to propose to Michelle. But then I went through a really rough period. I needed more emotional support than he could give me. I was impulsive and broke up with him. I knew Michelle was consoling him for many months afterward. A few years later, Michelle reached out to me. She’d asked seven of his lovers and former lovers to come surprise him for his birthday. We tied him up and throttled him in complete silence. So it was ultimately a happy ending. —Sonya
They might leave you behind.
Seven years ago, I met this woman. I was mostly monogamous and single. She was very up front that she had a boyfriend and they were open. We started dating, and for those two years, I wasn’t dating multiple people — I just was dating her, and she really just wanted one female companion and him. The beginning of the end was when her and her boyfriend’s relationship started to become codified in traditions. He proposed to her, and it threw me. It made the balance beam that I was on feel uneven and one-sided. He invited me to the wedding, but she was like, “Uh, no.” She said she didn’t want to have to explain to her family who I was at the wedding. It felt like she chose him over me, like, “You’re not fully included.” I think I saw her one more time after the wedding, but it was just awkward. —M.J.
You two might drift apart.
A few years after my husband and I opened our marriage, I met this woman. We fell in love really, really fast. One morning, after she slept over, my husband said, “Seeing you this excited about someone else really freaks me out.” But I’d seen him happy with people over the years we’d been open, so he let me give it a shot. Eventually, he even suggested she move in. Now, I live in very separate worlds with them in the same house. He’s a very tidy person. She loves to play music, cook, be messy. He’s reserved; she loves to give attention. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. We love each other, but our connectedness just doesn’t run as deep as mine and hers. —Caroline
Or it might just break your relationship.
>My partner and I started dating in college, and we stayed together after. She was always interested in alternative relationship modalities, and over the years she brought it up a couple of times. I’d be like, “Okay, that’s interesting. Let me think about it.” Eventually, when we moved cities, I was like, “Why don’t we give this a shot?” In the beginning, it felt really fun. Then she got more serious with someone and it became more difficult to talk about with each other. She was never anything but transparent about the facts. I would ask her what she was doing one day, and she’d say, “Oh, I’m seeing this person.” At one point, they started taking trips together, so I knew they were getting more serious.
I felt upset and wondered if I should be doing something similar. I started looking around more on Hinge and found somebody I had amazing chemistry with. Eventually, my feelings toward her and hers toward me grew so strong that I was like, I have to make a decision. It’s gotten out of hand, emotionally. The main relationship was suffering. Neither of us was putting the same attention into that that we were into the other relationships.
I ended up breaking things off with my partner. The conversation was consuming. I feel like I’ve never been so focused on something. I walked around the city for days and days thinking, What should I do? At one point, she asked, “Well, would you change your mind if I ended things with the other person?” I said, “Honestly, I don’t know. The cat’s kind of out of the bag.” And she said, “Well, honestly, I don’t know whether I’d be able to do it and hurt the other person in this way.” I don’t know if we’d have stayed together if we’d stayed closed. Or if it would have been the right decision to stay together. —Lucas
All names have been changed at the request of the subjects.
If there’s one thing the internet is not lacking, it’s unsolicited advice about how to improve your sex life. Not sure how to cut through the noise? Here are three simple tips according to an expert.
Orgasms aren’t just a way to finish getting freaky in the sheets – they have physical and mental benefits too. Yet the mystery of the Big O has eluded men and women for centuries.
Many surveys suggest that about half of women are not satisfied with how often they reach climax – and 10% to 15% of women have never had an orgasm in their lives, as reported by the National Library of Medicine.
Men have less trouble – only about 5% to 10%, according to a study published by Sexual Medicine – but that still leaves millions of Americans who can’t reach climax, or feel insecure when their partner can’t get off.
Everybody is different, but research and experts agree these three factors are key to reaching the finish line.
#1. Stimulation
It may seem intuitive, but what does “stimulation” really mean?
“The whole thing about the type of stimulation that you need is a combination of pressure and rhythm,” Dr Laurie Mintz, LELO Sexpert and author of Becoming Cliterate, told The Post.
Applying the right amount of pressure to erotic zones, such as the clitoris, the penis or the ears, helps build sexual arousal and eventually activates the muscles to contract, a necessary physical step.
Pressure also needs to be applied with a good rhythm – which some suggest is the key to orgasm claiming.
Experts, including Dr Mintz, agree that a great way to find the sweet spot for the G-spot is to bring a vibrator into the bedroom.
Getting into the flow of a good rhythm can focus attention so intensely that it overtakes any other thoughts and self-awareness nearly putting the person in a trance and allowing for a sufficient intensity of experience to trigger the mechanisms of climax, according to a study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology.
#2. Mindfulness
To reach a sexual trance, you have to hone in on the sensations of the sexual experience and achieve mindfulness.
“Mindfulness is putting your mind and body in the same place at the time,” Dr Mintz, a LELO ambassador, explained. “And most of us don’t do that in our life, let alone our sex life.”
“When we’re having sex we’re in our head, ‘What do I look like? What am I doing? Am I doing okay?’ And you can’t orgasm when you’re not in your body. You have to learn how to be in your body.”
She advises everyone to try meditation or yoga to practice mindfulness in their daily lives or play music during sex.
“A myth about mindfulness is that it takes a lot of practice and that you have to meditate every day. No. You can practice being mindful in your daily life,” Dr. Mintz insisted.
An easy way to begin practising mindfulness is when brushing your teeth, Dr Mintz shared.
“The next time you brush your teeth, really focus on the sensations. When your mind wanders, bring it back to the sensations. You can learn mindfulness in daily activities and then apply it to the bedroom,” she suggested.
#3. Communication
Once you’ve used mindfulness to discover what pressure and rhythm are getting you to the finish line, you have to communicate that to your partner.
“Couples – no matter if it’s a hook-up or a relationship – who, communicate about sex and talk about what they need during sex are much, much more likely to orgasm,” Dr Mintz said.
“A common myth is that your partner should know what you want without asking. Nobody reads minds. That’s where communication comes in.”
While moaning and groaning can help guide your partner, verbally directing them how to help you cum is the best way to get over the finish line.
Before you panic, fighting in a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing – but there’s a right way to go about it, plus four things that actually do spell the end.
While arguing and fighting with someone, particularly a partner, is often viewed as a sign that things may not be going well, many experts argue the opposite.
In fact, according to US clinical psychologist Deborah Grody married couples who don’t have any conflict are often the ones who end in divorce.
“Relationships that can’t be saved are relationships where the flame has completely gone out, or it wasn’t there in the first place,” she told Time magazine –because the indifference behind this lack of motivation can be a sign they don’t care enough about their partner, or their relationship to fight.
The sometimes beneficial nature of arguing was also backed up by a 2012 paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology.
This research showed that constructively having conflicts with your partner may bring you closer together because while they cause short-term discomfort, they also incite honest conversations that can benefit the relationship in the long run.
In saying this, clinical psychologist and author of Difficult People, Dr Rebecca Ray says that not all arguing is beneficial and the determining factor behind what is and isn’t, can have a lot to do with how you fight, or your fighting style and whether, as the researchers specified, it is constructive.
“A good fight is one where both partners face the problem from the same side, not necessarily the same perspective. That is, you are both committed to a resolution of the problem itself, rather than making each other the problem (which is a bad fight),” she tells Body+Soul.“A good fight is also one where both partners make room for each other’s perspectives and how difficult it can be to express vulnerability,” she adds.
Your fighting style is so important, believe psychologists and relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, that it can be one of the best predictors of divorce.
After years of extensive research, the pair identified four primary predictors of divorce, coining them, the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
These predictors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and when they are used when arguing with a partner, they can be a telltale sign of a bad fight says Dr Ray.
“A bad fight is full of accusations and contempt, ineffective listening, and the pressure on each other to be perfect or be met with punishment.”
So, how do you work out your fighting style and if it is ‘bad’ or ‘good’?
“In my book, Difficult People, I discuss psychoanalyst Karen Horney’s three styles of interpersonal coping which, when used often enough, can become automatic and habitual in times of conflict,” says Dr Ray.
These include moving towards people (compliance); moving against people (aggression); and moving away from people (detachment).
“There are both healthy and unhealthy versions of each of these coping strategies,” she explains. “Unhealthy moving towards looks like habitual people-pleasing, which means one partner will have difficulty speaking up for their own needs and often end up resentful.
Unhealthy moving against looks like blaming, accusing, and generally aggressive communication, which can stop the other partner from feeling psychologically safe.
And unhealthy moving away looks like avoidance of addressing the problem altogether, or being indifferent to a workable outcome. While each of us will lean towards one of these tendencies, with awareness and willingness, conflict doesn’t have to be coloured by unhealthy versions of these coping strategies.”
How to have a ‘good’ fight
One simple change that can help move your argument from negative territory to somewhere more positive, is altering the language you use.
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“A good fight sounds like ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements,” says Dr Ray. “It also sounds like respectful language and tone,” she says, which means no yelling or swearing because this can be disrespectful in this context.
And while giving each other space and taking a break from the situation if things become tense can be helpful, there should be a willingness to return to solve the issue.
“A problem won’t be solved unless it’s brought into the light. Don’t sweep things under the carpet. Address them before they become too big to carry,” she says.
“Monogamy Is Good, And It’s Here To Stay.“ I was leery about this 2008 piece the minute I saw the title. But as soon as I read it and saw the word “fad” used to describe the kind of relationship that I have been deliriously happy in for years (and the kind hundreds of other people I have met have been in for decades) I knew I was dealing with a classic case of fear and misunderstanding — a dangerous mix. I thought I might simply reply in the comments section, but I quickly realized that I had way too much ground to cover. So, below I have gone section by section in response to Ms. Cline’s piece.
“Why aren’t you in an open relationship yet? Carla Bruni Sarkozy, wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, famously “prefers polygamy and polyandry.” Reveal magazine quoted Will Smith as saying that he and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith allow each other extra-marital dalliances. Oprah did a segment on open marriages. Both YourTango contributor Jenny Block and Village Voice columnist Tristan Taormino have books out on open relationships. All of this talk of free love is enough to make chicks who prefer old-fashioned monogamy feel a bit, well, old-fashioned. But if history can teach us anything, the open relationship bandwagon will come and go, which is a good thing because most women still benefit from and prefer monogamy.”
Cline’s opening question immediately gave me pause. This is the tone of someone who feels either uncomfortable or threatened. Surely no one is asking Cline, or anyone else, why they’re not in an open relationship, which me wonder if perhaps Cline is questioning herself. I have never suggested, and would never suggest, that anyone in a monogamous relationship is old-fashioned, and I have repeatedly assured my readers that I have no problem with honest, intentional monogamy. I have been told that to those on the outside, people in the open relationship community can come across as a smug group who think they’re more highly evolved than the monogamous. I am saddened to hear that, but it’s all the more reason that reading and writing on this topic is so important.
The truth is, it’s the lying that is a racket. And, if history can teach us anything, which surely it can, it’s that open relationships aren’t going anywhere. They’ve been around since the dawn of time. If it seems like they come and go, that’s only because the press coverage wavers, not the relationships themselves. The fact that Tristan and I both had books come out on the subject this past June certainly brought it into the public eye, hence the appearance of a suddenly new popularity.
I am not sure what Cline is referring to when she says “most women” as “most” of the women I have spoken to and researched neither prefer nor feel particularly benefited by monogamy. Quite the opposite is true. Many women feel caged in a relationship where their body is “owned” by their partner. Monogamy doesn’t necessarily result in that dynamic but it certainly does at times. That’s where open relationships can be very rewarding for women: controlling one is no longer the cornerstone of the relationship. Instead, love trust and intimacy are.
“Why? Women still generally do more work in relationships than men do and openness requires even more diligence than a regular relationship;”
That certainly is the stereotype. Whether or not it is the reality is unclear, but the fact that it is misogynistic is unarguable. I have trouble seeing how openness requires more diligence than a “regular” relationship. First, it begs the question of what “regular” is. Cheating is so common that, in some ways, I’d consider it more normal than true monogamy. Keeping one’s partner from straying — even though their biology is driving them to seek multiple partners — requires all the assiduousness one can muster. I no longer have to be conscientious in that way, but I am as tireless when it comes to making sure the people I’m involved with know how much I love them — and you don’t get a pass on that just because you’re in a monogamous relationship. Being with another person requires attention. Providing that attention should be a part of the joy of that relationship, not part of the burden.
“Women are taught to care more about relationships and risk more for them than men, so non-monogamy raises the stakes more for us.”
I’m unclear here about what it is that women “risk more” than men. The stakes aren’t any higher in open relationships than they are in closed ones; they’re the same. We risk our hearts—whenever we love someone. What’s the point if we don’t take that risk? And if the risk is being alone, well, I think the divorce rate proves that “committing” to a monogamous relationship does not guarantee you anything.
“And, despite today’s female open relationship proponents, it’s men who typically initiate and prefer non-monogamy.”
This is simply untrue, although I would be interested to review any historically and scientifically significant proof that shows otherwise.
“The recent rash of high-profile cheaters (Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, David Patterson, Larry Craig) has shown monogamy in an ugly light. People yearn for… variety, and now that we live longer than ever, it’s unrealistic to imagine a couple staying together for fifty years without a single affair. And in fact, statistics show twenty percent of men and thirteen percent of women cheat on their spouse.”
Exactly. So why not be honest with your partner about your needs instead of subscribing to a societal convention that is very young and that has proven to be highly unworkable? Cline is right when she says that these cases reveal monogamy in an unflattering light. So why not take advantage of that view and use it as an opportunity to take stock of the reality, as opposed to the fantasy, of what monogamy is and when it does and doesn’t work?
“But open relationships are not the solution, says Ayala Pines, psychologist and author of Romantic Jealousy, because jealousy and envy are just as hardwired as infidelity. Only a third of monogamous marriages survive cheating because of jealousy and a lingering sense of betrayal, says Pines. And the success rate for open relationships is not any better for similar reasons. “In my experience with open relationships,” she says, “the couple goes back to monogamy or else to illicit affairs. Or, it ends in divorce.”
Jealousy and envy have not been scientifically proven to be hard-wired. It is more likely that they are learned, based upon the study of non-Western cultures who live decidedly non-monogamous lifestyles. And as for the statistic of one-third, well, show me an argument and I’ll give you a statistic. As to Pines’ experience with open relationships, people who go to see a psychologist are likely going because they have a problem. Pines doesn’t see the people who are in happy open relationships. My question for Pines would be, what percentage of the closed couples that she treats end up happily back together?
“Another reason why open relationships don’t work in practice for a lot of women is because they’re simply too time-consuming. The block is upfront about the work involved in juggling a husband and a girlfriend.”
Again, I can’t see not pursuing a fulfilling relationship because it requires some of your time. All relationships take time. Everything worth doing takes time. How about hobbies? People are willing to put in the work to train for a marathon. How about careers? People are willing to spend four whole years to get a degree. That’s like saying, “I’d love to follow my dreams, but it’s just too much trouble.”
“An excerpt of her book on Huffington Post, Life In An Open Marriage: The Four (Not-So-Easy) Steps prompted one HuffPo commenter to say, “I’m exhausted just reading about all the ‘work’ and never-ending ‘communication’ about feelings, situations, jealousy, worry, etc. It all sounds like much more effort than it’s worth (IMO).” Likewise, Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships is an intimidating 300 pages, in which the kind of person who is successful at non-monogamy is described as someone committed to knowing themselves “on a deep level,” a process she says might include “psychotherapy and counseling, reading, writing, journaling, blogging, attending workshops and peer support groups, meditation, and various spiritual practices.” While the idea of openness may be appealing to some women, it’s hard to imagine many of us finding the time to juggle a second relationship. Especially those of us with careers and children.”
I have a career and children. All of the people I know in open relationships have careers and/or children. And shouldn’t we all want to know ourselves on a deeper level? Good strong relationships require that. Otherwise, what’s the point? What do you get out of a relationship if you only have a surface understanding of yourself and your partner? Relationships between any number of people — good ones anyway — require attention and care. Not wanting to deal with “all that trouble” is a sad commentary about the value one places on enjoying truly satisfying, happy, healthy relationships.
“Open relationships are being billed as the wave of the future, but they’ve gone in and out of style every few decades, never becoming more than a fringe movement.”
Fringe is a tough word. At one time hippies were fringe but nowadays, not so much. The same goes for punks and guys who invented personal computers in their garages. Being part of a vanguard group doesn’t make what you’re doing wrong. Open relationships are far from being at their beginning stages, just as they are far from being unrecognized by the larger population. In the last six months alone, either myself, the topic, my book, or some combination thereof have been in or on The New York Times, the UK Observer, the Tyra Banks Show, Fox television, the London Observer, Huffingtonpost, the San Francisco Chronicle. I can’t imagine how something with that sort of media coverage is fringe. Isn’t that how the saying goes, once the media has it, whatever “it” is is no longer “cool”? I have never been more excited to no longer be cool.
“According to Susan Squire, author of I Don’t: A Contrarian History of Marriage, “there have been experiments of mate-swapping in the 19th century and again in the 70s and a few Utopian societies, but it never seems to stick. It doesn’t work or only works for a short period. Then, history cycles, marriage cycles, and everything repeats itself.”
As I mentioned earlier, I would argue that the cycle is the popularity of talking about open marriage rather than the popularity of actually having them. Otherwise, where did all of these people in open marriages go? I know a wealth of couples who have been in open marriages for more than thirty years. They might not have been talking about it because of prejudices like those presented in Cline’s essay, but they were still living their happy, open lives.
“The last time open marriages (often known as polyandry, free love, friends with benefits, et al)”
Forgive me for breaking in mid-sentence, but “polyandry, free love, friends with benefits, et al” are not the same things. At all. Polyandry refers to when a man has multiple wives. Free love wasn’t (isn’t) necessarily about intimacy within committed relationships. The same goes for friends with benefits. Open marriage refers to, well, open marriage: two people are married and have the freedom to pursue additional physical and/or emotional relationships (the latter of which would then imply a polyamorous relationship).
“were in vogue during the revolution of the late sixties and seventies. In 1972, the landmark book Open Marriage documented Nena and George O’Neill’s attempts to redefine marriage and open up their relationship to other partners.”
The book Open Marriage offers only one chapter about intimacy and the authors only peripherally mention spouses pursuing other partners. O’Neill’s definition of open marriage was more about opening oneself up to the world and not focusing on being a couple and nothing more. Interestingly, that is still the best marriage advice around. Have your friends, your hobby, your career. Be a partner to your spouse. But don’t become defined by his or her existence and your relationship with him or her.
“It was a runaway bestseller and, like today, promoted the impression that open marriages were the way of the future. By 1977, Nena O’Neill had published The Marriage Premise, which argued that fidelity was not such a bad thing after all. Squire herself got caught up in what she calls “the five minutes of open relationships” in the seventies. In her first marriage, she says, “We did this thing where we had to tell each other but we could [be with] whoever we wanted. Did it work? No. I remember him calling me to tell me he was drinking with some woman, and saying ‘I’m going to go sleep with some woman, do you mind?’ Of course, I minded. When faced with that, I wasn’t into it. And the reverse was true as well.”
A personal antidote is interesting. But it certainly doesn’t prove anything except that an open relationship with that partner wasn’t for Squire. Pines brings up another X factor of open relationships. Despite all the progress of feminism, she says “women are still socialized to care more about relationships and desire commitment more than men.” Just consider the multi-billion dollar wedding industry and the success of happily-ever-after rom-coms and shows like Sex and the City. Women want weddings, not necessarily marriages. It does make one ponder the old question of whether life imitates art or art imitates life.
“We are also more likely to devote our lives to children, family, and spouse.”
Only because society drills into our heads that we’re supposed to. What would women be like if no one told them incessantly how they were supposed to be? There’s no way to know. No way to know.
“In short, the stakes are higher if there’s to be an emotional fallout from an open relationship.”
Why? We have our own money and our careers. We shouldn’t be defining ourselves by our spouses. The problem is not with open relationships, but with continuing to tell women that they need a man, that they have to be mothers to be fulfilled, that there is one right way to do things, and that everything else is just a “fad.” If we keep telling this tale, it will most certainly continue to prevail. But what if we drop the whole ownership thing, the whole who cares if science says we’re not monogamous, let’s demand it anyway because one group of people (read: the church) says we should and live like thinking human beings who choose lifestyles because they work for us and our partners and the community at large. Keep in mind that marriage has a 50% failure rate and infidelity is rampant. If we went by those statistics, one might conclude that it’s heterosexual monogamous marriage that’s a fad.
“In Woody Allen’s ménage a trois flick Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Javier Bardem’s character is flagrantly trying to bed three women. The women agree, but Vicky falls in love with him and is tormented. Christina agrees to merely be the extra “salt” in the relationship between Bardem and jealous ex-wife Maria Elena. Bardem is unflappable. Everyone in the theater laughs knowingly—for Bardem, it’s about [intimacy]. But the women always seem to have a little too much invested, a little too much to lose.”
This is a movie written by a man. Not real life. A movie. Truth be told, I wasn’t at all convinced at the end of the film that Christina wouldn’t pursue open relationships in the future. This one simply was no longer working for her. It makes me sad to think that viewers would perceive as novel a woman making a choice based on her own needs.
“And this isn’t just the stuff of a Woody Allen fantasy. Men are typically the ones who initiate open relationships. According to a poll on Oprah.com, seven percent of women and fourteen percent of men say they are in an open relationship. The gender gap is due partially to the habits of gay men, who are more likely than women or straight men to be in non-monogamous arrangements. But, it’s also that “men tend to prefer open relationships more than women do,” says Pines, who has decades of clinical and research experience on the subject, “because their preference for casual [intimacy] far exceeds women’s.”
That is, if women are telling the truth on those surveys, which researchers have said time and again they are not because of the stigma of admitting to being in or wanting an open relationship. Open relationship boards, events, and organizations are filled with women. I can’t see why that would be difficult to accept. It doesn’t affect those women — or men for that matter — who want to remain in closed relationships. Just as the legality of gay marriage doesn’t affect the state of heterosexual marriage. There is no need to invalidate another person’s life to validate your own.
“It’s intriguing that Block and Taormino, two of today’s loudest advocates for open relationships, are women.”
Why isn’t our existence — and popularity — proof enough that there are women in the lead? I don’t follow the logic. First, the argument is that there are very few women who want open relationships so they must be a fad or fringe. But then she says two women are leading the charge. What should one conclude from that?
“Historically, it’s been men who’ve advocated for polyandry and men who’ve benefited. “In the ancient world, men were never expected to be faithful,” says Squire. Women were severely punished for extra-marital affairs primarily because it threatened patrilineal culture, where the paternity of a child would be in question if the woman strayed. In the last three or four centuries, the Lutheran marriage model of fidelity has become the standard, which has given women a more equal stake in romantic partnerships.”
But what about all of the matriarchal societies? Surely it isn’t only Western cultures that count in this discussion?
“Sure, some women can tinker with this arrangement and come out on top, but for many of us there’s a sense that this is part of the battle of the sexes we’re not winning.”
Exactly. Open relationships work for some people, monogamy works for others. This isn’t a competition. Not for me anyway. They both can — and do — work. The decision is about individuality consciousness and desire. How do you want this world to work? If there’s only one way to have a relationship, how long before we’re back to only one “right” religion or one way for the genders to behave or one way to look?
“So if you’re feeling like a fuddy-duddy for not wanting two lovers, remember this open relationship thing is a fad, and, as history has shown us, this too shall pass. While it may seem like non-monogamy is feminism’s natural next step, the fact is that women largely prefer one partner, and we enjoy putting time and emotion into our primary relationship. There’s not enough reason for us to change our ideas about what makes a satisfying love life, just to get on board with a time-consuming relationship model.”
Everyone is allowed their own opinion. This is Cline’s and that’s fine. But it is imperative that it not be taken as fact, because fact it is not. The truth is that the model of a romantic, monogamous, “you complete me” marriage is little more than a hundred years old. And how old is civilization? Maybe heterosexual, monogamous marriage will end up being the fad in the long run. We don’t and can’t know. But, regardless, the only thing I advocate for is honesty and respect. Be honest with your partner. Respect the ways others choose to live even if that way might be different from yours. And if you’re feeling like a “fuddy-duddy,” perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your own life, not the lives of others. As my dad always says, “No one ever cares about what we’re doing nearly as much as we think we do.”
— It is important to instill sex positivity in your kids. If you have been wondering how to be a sex-positive parent, here are some expert-approved ways that can help.
Sex is a natural part of our lives and it only makes sense to talk about sexuality in all its fairness. Yes, conversations about sex are still hushed and laden with stigma, but embracing a sex-positive approach as a parent becomes an important tool to shape the future of your child. With so many sexuality terms being thrown around, it is more important than ever to be a sex-positive parent and to teach kids how to be sex-positive.
For the unversed, sex positivity is a way of being that gives importance to pleasure and freedom, instead of shame and judgment. If you are confused about sex positivity and how you can instill it in your kid’s life, read on.
What is sex positivity for children?
In the most simple terms, sex positivity is believing that sex is a positive thing in a person’s life. Psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Kumavat explains, “Sex positivity is the way children are brought up with age-appropriate and adequate knowledge about their orientation, and the concept of sex. This comprises knowledge sharing with respect to sex organs, the importance of healthy relationships, all aimed at letting them know about sexuality positively.”
What makes a parent sex-positive?
There is never a right time to have the “talk” with your kid. However, it is still important to know that you must not avoid talking about sexuality with your children. It is important for their overall development. For a parent to be sex-positive, they need to be comfortable and have a clear understanding of what sexuality means.
“Sex-positive parents are not embarrassed to talk about sexuality openly and adequately. Adequate is the word I emphasise, because it should not be too much or less, and they should not be embarrassed about communicating about these issues. They should start talking as soon as the child starts developing secondary sexual characters, and when they see that the child is showing some interest in sexuality, like showing interest in cross-gender relationships and friendships,” says Dr Kumavat.
How to be a sex-positive parent?
If you have been wondering how to be a sex-positive parent without going overboard, here’s what you can do.
1. Have open communication
The first thing is to be open to your children by communicating your ideas and thoughts clearly. Be very open and always watch for the signs that your child is showing some interest in sexuality.
2. Do not judge
Parents should not suppress children. If they ask you queries, be open to clear their doubts. Even if parents find the queries stupid or which will require too much information sharing, the doubts shouldn’t be suppressed. Keep communicating with children and give them adequate information by resolving their queries and avoiding snapping at them, advises the expert.
3. Teach them about consent and safe sex
Make them aware of being guarded about sexuality, and the precautions to be taken. Talk to them particularly about sexuality under the influence of drugs and alcohol, or sexuality crossing the limits, which is not age-appropriate. Talk about appropriate touch, and how it should be an act of respect and compassion.
With so much information available, it can be confusing for kids to know what information they should consume or avoid. One of the biggest influences on kids these days is social media. Make sure that you know the kind of information your child is consuming through these platforms. Give them some guidance about what the problems are with believing things on this website, and the misinformation that is shared, recommends Dr Kumavat.
5. Limit internet access, but do not judge
It is important to help your child understand the ways to separate right from wrong. You have to make sure your kids are not hooked or addicted to certain kinds of inappropriate sites. Such kind of openness and guardedness also should be there as necessary. Don’t give too much access to the Internet – it has to be monitored and a judicious approach must be taken when giving internet access, says the psychiatrist.
Takeaway
Being sex-positive means that you think of sex as a positive thing and do not associate it with shame and guilt. It is vital to instill these values in your child to make sure they do not judge the world too harshly or feel judged for the choices they make. Your child should feel comfortable talking about sexual matters, feelings they get, ideas or thoughts that cross their mind, or how someone’s touch makes them feel. They should be able to define sexuality in a positive sense – one that allows them to be free and not caged. And there is not a better feeling for a parent to help their child understand who they are and be true to themselves.
You’ve definitely wondered at least once: What is gaydar? Is it real?
Being human is a funny experience. You meet someone, you catch a “vibe,” and you form an opinion about their sexuality based on that first interaction. It’s a wild concept, considering there’s no way to actually know what is going on in that person’s life. But I digress — back to the vibe catching.
Attraction and sexuality are an important part of life, and it’s no surprise that we’re often left trying to guess what someone’s deal is after meeting them. For some people, relying on “gaydar” is one method for determining if someone is queer or not. Others don’t believe gaydar exists. The truth? It’s really complicated.
But first things first, let’s remember that it’s impossible to actually know if someone is gay or queer without them directly telling you. Despite what media stereotypes have conditioned some of us to believe, there is no outfit, speaking pattern, physical presentation, or other signal that says “I’m gay.” Being queer is a beautiful spectrum of physical presentations, one that any one person’s gaydar doesn’t properly encompass.
That said, we’re going to try to define “gaydar” below — specifically, where the term comes from and what it actually is. Read on and learn.
What does gaydar mean?
The Kinsey Institute describes gaydar as “the ability to determine whether someone is gay based on their intuition about the person.” This intuition is made based on how someone dresses, walks, or talks (read: very little actual information). These elements of a person are described as sexuality cues.
In simple terms, having a “gaydar” means that you think you can determine someone’s sexuality based on a short interaction — usually when you meet them for the first time. The term can easily scoot into homophobic territory, as many people who lean heavily into anti-gay rhetoric tend to be the first to box someone into the queer community as an insult (if only they knew what they were missing!). There’s a fine line between identifying and stereotyping, and the use of gaydar plays in this space depending on the person and intent.
Is gaydar real?
Whether or not gaydar is real is a long-debated question. In “Perceptions of Sexual Orientation From Minimal Cues,” a review of several studies about “gaydar” by Dr. Nicholas Rule, a social psychologist at the University of Toronto, the research suggests that it is real — but not in the way you might expect. It’s important to distinguish between something being real and something being accurate. In this case, gaydar is very much real. Accurate? Not entirely.
One of the studies cited shared that people were able to detect sexual orientation as they listened to short audio recordings and watched silent videos, as well as from seeing still images of faces on a screen. In general, all this means is that a person is able to put together a picture of someone’s sexuality from a limited number of visual and audio clues.
More interestingly, the gaydar tested in this study only seemed to be reflected in automatic responses. When participants were asked to think carefully about a person before making a judgement on their sexuality, their gaydar became worse. When asked why they made specific calls, it was hard for the surveyed to point to any direct reasoning — this tells us that gaydar is less based in fact and more based on societally led perceptions.
To drive that point home, here’s an especially intriguing point the study found: “People who hold anti-gay views typically perform worse in gaydar studies; by contrast, sexual minorities and people who have more familiarity.” This is where the complexity comes into play. Queer people likely have better “gaydar,” meaning it’s easier for them to recognize various traits, phrases, and visual cues that they themselves embody. This is one of the beautiful elements of community.
Other studies have found similar results, with gaydar accuracy — or lack thereof — varied among those tested. When a team of researchers surveyed a group in 2016, they found that the idea of gaydar encouraged stereotyping rather than serving as an actual way to detect if someone is queer. Meanwhile, two 2016 papers separately found that many studies that imply there’s some truth to gaydar may have mathematical errors in their design.
When a 2023 study added the question of bidar — being able to guess if someone is bi — to the mix, the results go even further off-track. Researchers asked people to identify whether or not they thought folks were bisexual based on their voice. The results not only showed that bidar was highly inaccurate, but that people read the voices of bisexual men to be considered the “most masculine” of the groups. Researchers say this may imply that in an effort to fight against biphobic stereotypes, bi men feel the pressure to mask their identity through performing hypermasculinity.
So, to answer the question of whether or not gaydar is real… it is. But it’s also not. Research on the subject has truly been contentious and inconclusive (I know, nothing is easy).
How to know if someone is gay
The only way to know if someone is gay or not is to hear it from the person themselves. Identity is an incredibly personal topic, and passing any kind of judgement without knowing the facts is an omission of so much of the beauty that comes with getting to know someone. As we all know, “gay” and “straight” are hardly the only options in this conversation.
As this relates to gaydar, Dr. Rule’s study addresses this: those surveyed weren’t able to sus out the difference between someone who may be gay and someone who may be bisexual. The results showed that gaydar sees sexual orientation as a rather black and white scale — gay or straight.
Also, keep in mind that everyone embraces the idea of being queer differently. (In fact, here are 9 LGBTQ+ people with different ideas about the word explaining what it means to them.) Fitting someone into your own definition of queer is only a small part of how you see that person, but giving them the opportunity to share themself with you is a gift.
The urge to know which way someone swings is understandable, especially if you’ve got a crush. As mentioned above, if you’re queer, you may have a gut feeling that the cutie you’re eyeing may or may not be queer, as well. Just remember that your head and your heart are talking at the same time, and likely over one another. Chances are, if you spot someone at your favorite gay bar or club, they’re likely part of the queer community. If you’re truly not sure, strike up a conversation — it’s likely it’ll come up sooner rather than later.
— Researchers once faced death threats for asking women what gives them pleasure. Now they’re helping individuals and couples figure it out themselves.
[CLIP: Woman speaks on OMGYES: “This is, like, you know, my vagina, going up and down and kind of brushing up against it, kind of like a paintbrush.”]
[CLIP: Music]
Kate Klein: There’s this, like, whole world underneath people’s clothing that no one talks about.
Sari van Anders: Our science, in some ways…, is sort of, like, catching up with people’s existences.
Meghan McDonough: I’m Meghan McDonough, and you’re listening to Scientific American’s Science, Quickly. This is part three of a four-part Fascination on the science of pleasure. In this series, we’re asking what we can learn from those with marginalized experiences to explore sexuality, get to the bottom of BDSM and illuminate asexuality. In this episode we’ll unpack why heterosexual women are having fewer orgasms than their male partners—and how researchers are bridging the gap.
[CLIP: OMGYES: “So when I’m with a partner for the first time, I’ll take one of their fingers, and I’ll tell them, ‘Just tap.’”]
McDonough: This is a woman explaining how she likes to be touched on the website OMGYES, which offers guidance to individuals and couples on finding sexual pleasure, both through masturbation and with a partner. This video is one of many how-to clips on everything from what the site has labeled “layering …”
[CLIP: OMGYES: “My clit’s really sensitive, and touching it directly would be way too intense, so I use the surrounding skin to make it less overwhelming.”]
McDonough: To “orbiting …”
[CLIP: OMGYES: “You know, it’s like the infinity sign, and it’s, like, going in loops, and you can change the direction.”]
McDonough: To essentially demystify the female orgasm—which, in heterosexual couples, is happening far less than the male orgasm, according to a 2017 U.S. national sample in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. That’s true even while research has shown that women regularly orgasm when masturbating and having sex with other women. That’s a gap that needs to be addressed because not only does orgasm make sex more pleasurable, but regular orgasm, doctors say, also lowers stress and improves sleep, mood, cognition and self-esteem. In partnership with Indiana University, the people behind OMGYES have interviewed more than 20,000 women ages 18 to 95, resulting in a number ofpublishedpapers.
Rob Perkins: OMGYES started with a group of friends who would talk in a lot of detail about the stuff about, about what worked for them [and] what didn’t work for them sexually.
McDonough: This is Rob Perkins, who co-founded the company behind the website with his friend Lydia Daniller in 2014.
Perkins: We found in the conversation that there were patterns…. So we interviewed more of our friends to see, you know, if the patterns were consistent. And we found that, yes…, and that those things haven’t been named and hadn’t been studied in a rigorous way. So we reached out to folks at Indiana University, and they said, Yeah, it doesn’t get funding. Pleasure isn’t deemed important enough to be studied in that way.
McDonough: Rob says that while follow-up research has shown that OMGYES improves self-knowledge and pleasure, physical patterns are just one small piece of the puzzle.
Perkins: We found eventually that no matter how good the techniques are, with partners, there are other dynamics at play.
McDonough: So what other dynamics are at play? And what role can science play? First, let’s back up. What is an orgasm, and where does it come from? In the late 1950s and early 1960s, researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson observed about 10,000 sexual response cycles experienced by 382 female participants and 312 male ones. Here’s them speaking at the University of New Mexico in December 1973.
[Masters: “We never treat the impotent male or the nonorgasmic female as a single entity. We always treat the marital unit or the committed unit …”]
[Johnson: “Or the relationship, if you want to reduce it further.”]
[Masters: “Basically speaking, we treat the relationship.”]
McDonough: They concluded that orgasm was the third of a four-stage model. They called the first “excitement,” or sexual arousal—marked by increased heart rate, breathing and blood flow. For those with a vagina, this involves engorgement of the clitoris, labia majora and minora and uterus, as well as vaginal lubrication. In the second, or plateau, phase, they noted, these responses build, and the uterus becomes fully elevated, which makes penetration more comfortable. The third stage they named was orgasm, or sexual climax—a series of muscle spasms in the genital area at 0.8-second intervals that gradually slow in speed and intensity. These are accompanied by the release of tension and feelings of euphoria. Orgasm, they said, is followed by the fourth and final stage—resolution, a return to the prearousal state. Masters and Johnson revolutionized the study of sexual response. But sex researcher Shere Hite had even more to say about sexual experience. This is her on a panel in 1977:
[CLIP: Shere Hite on a panel in April 1977:3:45 “So Masters and Johnson have said how widespread women’s sexual dysfunction is. And I’m saying it’s not women who are dysfunctional; it’s our definition of sex which makes women dysfunctional. If you didn’t define sex as intercourse, women wouldn’t be dysfunctional.”]
McDonough: The year before, Hite surveyed more than 3,000 women and girls aged 14 to 78 in open-ended, anonymous questionnaires, culminating in her book, The Hite Report. The book would be translated into a dozen languages and sell more than 48 million copies. Almost all of the women she interviewed who masturbated said that they orgasmed regularly from masturbation, but only about 30 percent reported that they orgasmed regularly from penile-vaginal intercourse. Here she is again in the panel discussion.
[CLIP: Shere Hite: “And even for this 30 percent, orgasm was, in most cases, due to the women’s own assertiveness in obtaining clitoral contact with the man’s pubic area during intercourse. Whether or not this is practical for a woman depends on many things.”]
McDonough: Even though sex researcher Alfred Kinsey had previously found in 1953 that it takes women four minutes, on average, to masturbate to orgasm, Hite was seen as widely controversial at the time for challenging deeply entrenched cultural norms.
McDonough: In the years after The Hite Report was published, Hite faced heavy criticism and even death threats. She ultimately fled the United States for Europe. Hite’s research debunked the notion that women who didn’t reliably orgasm from penetrative sex were dysfunctional. It was part of a wider cultural awakening, via second-wave feminism in the 1970s, that questioned who was served and who was hurt by such a narrow definition of “sex,” which Hite and others explicitly related to equality outside of the bedroom.
[CLIP: Shere Hite:00:42 “I was very surprised that people didn’t make this connection between women demanding their rights in sex and women demanding their rights in jobs…. I don’t think it’s militant to say that women should have orgasms and that women should be able to stimulate themselves in the same way that men can.”]
McDonough: Almost 50 years later, the heterosexual orgasm gap remains vast. A 2017 study analyzed survey results and found that 95 percent of heterosexual men regularly orgasm during partnered sexual activity, compared with 65 percent of heterosexual women and 86 percent of lesbian women. The authors noted that lesbian women could be in a better position to understand how different behaviors feel for their partner and that they may be more likely to take turns receiving pleasure until each is satisfied. The researchers also reviewed sociocultural explanations such as people placing a greater importance on male sexual pleasure than female pleasure, as well as a stigma discouraging women from exploring their own sexuality. They concluded the paper by writing, “The fact that lesbian women orgasmed more often than heterosexual women indicates that many heterosexual women could experience higher rates of orgasm.”
The research team behind OMGYES has picked up that thread by focusing on what kind of stimulation is most pleasurable. They’ve named more than 35 techniques based on thousands of interviews with women and have included the percentages of women that find those techniques useful. Many of these are based on solo or partnered masturbation, while others are meant to complement penetration.
Perkins: One of them is “pairing.” So the name for simultaneous clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration.
McDonough: The idea is to use data to break down the taboo around sexual communication, which is associated with greater sexual pleasure.
Perkins: There’s a myth in our culture that a good male lover already knows what to do and shouldn’t ask for feedback, shouldn’t need feedback—receiving feedback would be an affront to that expertise. And we have data, you know, that 52 percent of American women wanted to tell their partners how sex could be more pleasurable for them but didn’t. And the main reason cited is not wanting to hurt the partner’s feelings
You know, if you’re giving someone a back rub or scratching someone’s back, of course, the person whose back is being scratched knows best where the itch is.
McDonough (tape): How have you found that couples work through these things?
Perkins: One thing that seems to work is time…. There’s this myth that younger people have more pleasure, and then it goes downhill with age, but actually, with more knowledge about your body and more comfort asking for it…, men get a little less performative and more curious. We have this from one of our studies—that couples who are always exploring ways to make sex more pleasurable are five times more likely to be happier in their relationships and 12 times more likely to be sexually satisfied.
McDonough: But the underlying problem, researchers say, goes beyond a lack of knowledge.
Klein: Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
McDonough: This is Kate Klein, a sex therapist who has referred several clients to the OMGYES site.
Klein: So if one partner, you know, feels disempowered—doesn’t feel confident to speak up or share what they like or what they need—that’s often seen outside of the bedroom. They might not speak up about a need, a desire, whether it’s, you know, having the apartment be a certain level of tidiness, if it’s, you know, needing more emotional connection, if it’s needing more physical affection outside of sex.
McDonough (tape): So what are the main challenges to finding sexual pleasure? What are the main blocks you see people come in with?
Klein: You know, living in a sex-negative, heteronormative, patriarchal society, it really puts a lot of shame and guilt around sex. And there’s such a focus on the penis and penis owners. And I think those who are socialized as women are often really just disempowered from connecting with their pleasure…. There’s just so many ways that women are expected or socialized to put others before themselves, to make everyone comfortable, to smile. I think the orgasm gap is … specifically focused and due to our limited definitions of what sex is, right? If sex is penis and vagina penetration, that does not include the clitoris at all…. Female pleasure, female orgasms, for many, it seems unnecessary or challenging, whereas male orgasms are seen as, like, a requirement.
McDonough (tape): For people who may not know what they like sexually, where do they start?
Klein: I think the single most fundamental sexual skill any of us can have is self-pleasure…. The mind and body is so interconnected. And so, like, one, getting to a place mentally where you can be relaxed, where you can be focused, and then just being curious and playful, right—like maybe it’s touching your body overall and not even focusing on the genitals; maybe it is focusing on the genitals and doing different types of touch, different types of pressure; maybe it’s using a pleasure device; or it could be, you know, reading an erotic novel; kind of, like, whatever it is that’s going to get your desire flowing. You know, sex is not necessarily something you do but a place you go.
The beautiful thing about non-monogamy is that it can take on many, varied forms: A non-monogamous dynamic can look like one polyamorous person having multiple romantic and sexual partners, or several individuals all in a non-hierarchical relationship together. One term you might’ve heard is ‘throuple,’ or triad, which describes a certain kind of committed relationship structure between three people.
Not to be mistaken for an open relationship (where people in a relationship have sex with people who are not their partner) or a threesome (sex between three people), a throuple is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship. And while the term might be new to you, there’s nothing new or unusual about the concept, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. ‘It’s totally possible to be in love with more than one person at one time,’ she says.
So, what is a throuple, exactly—and what should you know if you’re interested in being in one? Read on for the full lowdown, according to therapists and social workers who work with polyamorous folks.
What is a throuple relationship?
A throuple, or triad, is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship between three people. ‘What it means is that each person is in a relationship with another—it’s a three-way relationship,’ says Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York.
Like a couple, or a relationship between two people, the members of a throuple might have a ‘closed’ relationship, or an ‘open’ one. In some cases, ‘one person could be open to dating others, but another person in the triad isn’t,’ Marcantonio adds. ‘It really just depends.’
Different people in different dynamics might have their own definition and rules for the three-way relationship, so if you meet someone in a triad (or you’re about to join one!), it’s always a good idea to clarify what being in a throuple means to them.
What’s the difference between a throuple and other forms of polyamory?
Anything that isn’t a monogamous, exclusive, two-person relationship falls under the non-monogamy umbrella, says Anna Dow, LMFT, a therapist with Vast Love. And there are infinite types of polyamorous relationships, adds Marcantonio: ‘The sky’s the limit.’
Here are a few more polyamory-related words to know:
Quad: Four people who are in a committed relationship with each other
Polycule: A network of individuals who are all in relationships with each other
Kitchen table polyamory: A network of individuals who are in relationships with each other; if someone new is brought into this dynamic, they must generally get along with the rest of the group (think: feel comfortable sitting together at a large kitchen table)
Parallel polyamory: When a polyamorous person has multiple partners who don’t really interact with each other (essentially, the opposite of kitchen table polyamory)
Polyfidelity: When a throuple, quad, or larger polycule are ‘closed’ and do not see people outside of their group
Why might someone want to be in a throuple?
In some cases, a couple might meet a third person, become interested in them, and decide to bring that person into their relationship, says Spector.
In other instances, someone might know they’d like to join an existing couple, and seek out this kind of relationship dynamic. ‘If someone is oriented towards knowing that they can love more than one person responsibly, and if they feel like they can enter a relationship with an existing couple—and there’s chemistry, and connection between both and everyone agrees that they’d all like to be dating together—wonderful,’ says Marcantonio.
‘Being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust’
Aside from the joy of getting to date two people you like (or love), being in a throuple can help you get all your needs met, adds Spector. Think about it like this: When you have a third person involved, chances are, you’ll expose yourself and your original partner to qualities that both of you may want but can’t offer each other.
If you feel like you’re fully ready and wanting to add a third, Spector suggests letting your current partner know by gauging their interest. You can say something like: ‘I’d like to invite someone else into our relationship. How would you feel about having X join us and becoming a throuple?’
What are some tips for being in a healthy throuple?
Just like in any kind of relationship, being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust. ‘It’s the same as a monogamous relationship—the only difference is, it’ll be happening with two other folks,’ says Marcantonio.
However, there are some specific things you’ll want to watch out for, per relationship therapists:
1. Make sure you set ground rules first.
Different triads have different preferences, needs, and boundaries. Some examples of questions you’ll want to discuss, according to Marcantonio: ‘If everyone is open to all having other partners outside the triad, what does cheating look like? Do we all tell each other and have complete transparency when we’re talking to someone on the app, when we’re planning something, when we’ve had sex?’
Aside from discussions about sex and dating outside of the throuple, you’ll want to talk about your own dynamic as a trio, too, adds Spector. Would you prefer to only have sex as a throuple, for example, or is it okay for two people to have sex without the third?
‘It really depends on the triad and how they would like to set up the rules,’ says Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous. ‘It may be that a throuple sits down with each other and actually spends a few hours hammering out what might be relationship agreements.’
2. Continue to communicate.
People’s needs can fluctuate over time. So, continued communication is important, says Marcantonio. Spector recommends setting regular check-in times with your partners—and also checking in on your own needs, too.
3. And be sure you’re communicating *directly*, too.
One of the biggest issues a throuple might face is triangulation, says Marcantonio. ‘Triangulation in a relationship is when there’s one person who avoids directly interacting, usually with the person they have a conflict with,’ she explains. ‘So instead, they use the third person to confide in, to talk to.’
This can inadvertently put one person in the middle, Marcantonio adds. It can happen in friend groups, family dynamics, and—of course—romantic relationships that involve more than two people. So, if you have an issue or frustration with one of your partners, make sure you’re talking to them directly.
4. Get comfortable with any feelings of jealousy that might crop up.
It’s a common misconception that polyamorous folks don’t deal with jealousy. But, in fact, they can and do, says Schneider. It’s a natural human emotion. ‘It does take a lot of self-awareness and reflection to be in a poly relationship, because you will have feelings that come up that you need to sit with,’ Marcantonio adds.
If you find yourself feeling twinges of envy, Marcantonio recommends ‘staying curious’ and digging into the root of the issue. Is this something you can navigate on your own? Is this something you’d like to discuss with your partners? Did something trigger this emotion? These can be tough questions to work through, so if you’re struggling, you might want to check out a resource like The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, which is chock-full of tools and exercises for people in polyamorous ‘ships.
What are some of the myths about throuples?
1. They’re purely sexual relationships.
When some people hear ‘throuple,’ they might hear ‘threesome.’ But this dynamic signifies an emotional, intimate relationship between three people. They go on dates together, have deep conversations together, and confide in one another.
‘It’s not all about sex,’ says Marcantonio. ‘It’s people who really uniquely enjoy having deep, intimate connections that go beyond sex.’
2. You have to have a certain sexuality, or be a certain gender, to be in one.
Throuples can be made up of people of any gender identity and any sexual orientation who choose to be together, Spector says.
‘Pop culture depicts them as primarily female-female-male threesomes in an imbalanced way that often fetishises the relationship structure,’ adds Dow. ‘In reality, however, throuples are just typical relationships comprised of people of any genders. And like all relationships, each one has its own set of benefits and challenges.’
3. They’re not natural.
News flash: throuples, quads, and other forms of polyamory are nothing new. Marcantonio recommends checking out the book Sex at Dawnby Christopher Ryan for further reading on the history of non-monogamous relationships. ‘We were much more communal many, many decades ago,’ she adds.
Ultimately, being in a throuple might not be for everyone—as humans, we all have different needs and preferred relationship structures. ‘Some people are more wired for monogamy, and that’s what they like and want. Others are able to do poly; they might be more wired for that, and that works great,’ Marcantonio says. ‘There’s no one ‘natural’ way to have a relationship.’
Meet the experts: Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. Anna Dow, LMFT, is a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy at Vast Love. Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York. Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous.
When you first meet a new love interest, the surge of feel-good hormones makes them the center of your world—and of course, the object of your sexual desire.
But fast-forward a few years, and you’ll likely find desire has a way of ebbing and flowing the longer you’re with someone. It’s completely normal, but you still might want to spice things up when you’re in a sexual rut.
If that sounds familiar, here’s what to do.
Why does desire fade, anyway?
And it happens for so many reasons. Not only do the hormones we associate with falling in love start to drop off in general as the honeymoon phase ends, Gunsaullus says, but other hormonal factors are at play as well, especially if you’ve been together for years.
From childbirth to perimenopause to menopause to declining testosterone, we’re all susceptible to less sexual drive as we age. And of course, life happens too.
Kids’ schedules keep you busy, one or both partners might be stressed about work or finances, and even new medication can influence libido. If resentment has been brewing in the relationship, Gunsaullus adds, you better believe that’s a buzzkill as well.
It’s also worth noting that a lot of couples defer to having intimate time right before bed, which according to Gunsaullus, doesn’t always work out. “If folks are only thinking to have sex when they’re crawling into bed, most people just want to go to sleep or read or scroll—they want something that doesn’t feel like work. And if you’re the lower-desire person, sex can feel like work,” she explains.
5 tips to cultivate more sexual desire
1. Know that you’re not broken
If you and your partner aren’t all over each other like you once were, remember that this is completely normal—and, honestly, to be expected.
“Low-desire people often feel guilty or like they’re broken, and then higher-desire people feel rejected and unwanted and undesired,” Gunsaullus tells mindbodygreen, adding, “So just being able to call out those feelings and know that you haven’t done anything wrong—this is a very normal thing that happens to many folks in long-term relationships.”
With that in mind, she says, remember that both of you might not feel great about the decrease in desire, so be mindful not to get stuck in a cycle of pointing fingers, guilt, blame, and shame.
2. Schedule “HNFT”
Once of the best ways to boost desire in your relationship is to schedule time to be intimate, or as Gunsaullus calls it: Happy Naked Fun Time (HNFT). For 45 undistracted minutes once a week, simply enjoy each other.
If “scheduling” doesn’t sound very sexy to you, keep in mind that spontaneity doesn’t always bode well for lower-desire people, according to Gunsaullus. “They’re more responsive to creating a context, you know, an environment and a connection that helps facilitate arousal and desire,” she explains.
And the best part about this time, Gunsaullus adds, is it’s not meant to have an agenda. You don’t even need to have sex—it’s just about creating an environment in which you’re having fun, playing, connecting, and happen to be undressed.
“Bring a lightness to it, because if there’s expectation or pressure, that’s where you then get the disappointment and the blame and shame. So cuddle with each other, massage each other, talk about your day, play a game—something that feels intentional and out of the ordinary but is a sacred time,” Gunsaullus says.
3. Sit down with each other weekly
Even if you don’t schedule your HNFT every week, Gunsaullus does emphasize the importance of checking in with each other for 15 minutes every week, opening up the conversation around your sex life, needs, and desires.
Remember during this time to be nonjudgmental and open, even if it’s uncomfortable. Talking about these topics and normalizing them will ultimately help you and your partner get more comfortable with that discomfort so you can understand each other more deeply—which brings us to our next point.
4. Learn each other’s needs
If you’re on the shyer side, we’re not gonna pretend like it isn’t a little awkward to talk about your fantasies or sexual desires. But as Gunsaullus tells mindbodygreen, pushing through that awkwardness will only help your partner understand how to please you and vice versa.
She recommends filling out some sort of erotic play worksheet online in order to get super specific about what does (and doesn’t) turn you on. (Here’s a list of the most common kinks and fetishes, if you’re curious.)
Once you and your partner have both done the worksheets, compare your results. You might just find you have some overlap! And if you don’t, have no fear; Gunsaullus says that’s incredibly common and you can still meet each other halfway.
5. Consider working with a professional
Finally, Gunsaullus says, if you feel like you’ve been stuck in a sexual rut for quite some time, it might be worth working with a professional, whether a couples therapist, a sex therapist, or a sex/intimacy coach.
The takeaway
As with all matters of relationship, communication is key. Talk to each other, honor your needs, and remember that pleasure is something we all deserve.
Research has found that couples who argue (and get over it) are more likely to stay together than those who avoid conflict. But how can you argue safely?
It wasn’t without a little smugness that I used to tell friends that my partner and I almost never argued. It turns out this isn’t necessarily something to be proud of. “When couples don’t argue ever, and never show their differences to each other, or their strong feelings, they risk getting quite disconnected,” says Joanna Harrison, a couples therapist and the author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have. “They might describe themselves as being on parallel tracks, and they become out of touch with each other.”
When my partner and I do have occasional disagreements, neither of us deals with them well. He is the peacekeeper and often acquiesces, but then feels resentful; I sulk, can nurse a grudge and have been known to produce percentage calculations (I am a dreadful person) to show why he’s wrong about something he says I “always” do. Both of us flinch from real conflict, preferring passive aggression. But Harrison says: “The thing about arguments is that they keep us in touch with our partners.” If, she adds, “we use them productively”.
Psychologists used to think, says Ian Leslie, the author of Conflicted, that clashes in relationships were generally harmful. Instead, when couples are studied over months and years, those who argue (and then get over it) “are the couples who are more likely to stay together, to be happy in the relationship, and to feel that they’ve made progress on whatever problems they have”. Conflict, says Leslie, “is information. In an argument, the veil of civility that we use even with our intimate partners gets ripped away and we say what we really feel. That means we get information on what our partner really cares about, what upsets them, and often that information is new. So now we have a more accurate, updated mental model of our partner and that means we can relate to them better.”
Of course some arguments, says Harrison, “are destructive and dangerous”, particularly those that are hostile and unsafe. And constant bickering over small things can, says Susanna Abse, a couples psychotherapist and the author of Tell Me the Truth About Love, be a sign that something in your relationship “needs attending to, there are feelings around something that have not been repaired, long-term grudges have emerged. Sometimes it’s because you’re competitive – what are you competing about? – rather than a notion of you being on the same side. I think if you find yourself in a relationship that is marked by constant sniping, you need to think: what really is going on here? Because it’s very eroding. The beginnings of contempt, which is very deadening to a relationship, start to creep in.”
But if we’re talking about arguments, however big, between otherwise loving couples, a disagreement can be creative, says Harrison. “It’s two minds trying to find a way of putting differences together and coming up with something new.” A big blow-out can “kind of clear the pipes and enable things that need attention to get some airing”.
Actively avoiding conflict, says Abse, “often stops life progressing, because if you avoid the difficult things, you often don’t make decisions that move you on, such as deciding to move home or have a second child. These things sometimes require conversations that involve differences between a couple. One of the biggest challenges of relationships is how to manage conflict in a healthy and creative way.”
How, then, do we prepare for battle, or rather approach a disagreement in a grownup and productive way? Leslie says we “communicate on two channels at once. There’s the ‘content’ channel – money, who’s taking the bins out – and there’s the ‘relationship’ channel, which is more about whether each party feels they are getting the respect they deserve, or the affection they want.” If you can stay attuned to that channel, “you can have a vigorous argument about the content without walking away feeling hurt or furious. Often when the other person is being difficult or irrational about the content of the argument it’s because of something at that unspoken [relationship] level – perhaps they fear that you’re trying to shame or humiliate them.” Leslie suggests putting some work in to “ameliorate that, by making sure to acknowledge your partner’s hard work or good intentions or whatever – and then get into the contentious issue you need to discuss”.
People find it difficult to be told what to think or feel – when you say “you should …” – so avoid that, says Leslie, who adds that “in tense situations, people are very alert for threats”. Describe the emotional impact of the issue on you. “It means you relax a bit and your partner realises what the emotional stakes are.”
Try not to get into a situation where you are blaming each other, says Abse. Instead, “place things in the middle, between you, as a shared problem, holding on to the idea that you’re a couple and the issues need to be grappled with by you both”.
Saying “you always” or “you never” is unhelpful, says Abse. It can lead to an escalation, which is what you’re trying to avoid. “The more the heat gets in, the less thinking there is,” she says. “You then try and rid yourself of all the bad feelings by pushing them back at your partner.” If the argument escalates, take some time out. “Say: ‘I can’t talk about this right now, because it’s upsetting me too much. I need a bit of space to think about it. Let’s talk about it again later.’ Sometimes it’s best to let things lie for a little bit and return to them,” says Abse.
“Don’t have arguments to win them,” says Harrison. “This is not a court of law.” Don’t bring in every (real or perceived) crime they have committed over the course of your relationship. “That makes the other person panic, and feel defensive.” Try to actually listen, rather than just waiting for them to finish speaking so you can have your say. If their volume is rising, it’s probably because they’re not feeling heard. It’s difficult to remember all this in the heat of the row, Harrison adds. “We’re all only human. Sometimes you’ve got to just have the argument.” Arguments can blow up out of nowhere, but if it’s an issue you know is going to be touchy, Harrison recommends scheduling a discussion. “Don’t put the other one on the spot. Say: ‘Should we go for a walk tomorrow and talk about this?’ So everyone knows that it’s coming.”
Be curious, she says. The row happened because you left a coffee cup somewhere you shouldn’t, but what is that actually about? Go into information-gathering mode. “That is a lot of what we do in therapy – being curious about disagreements and trying to find the deeper layers, because an argument about a coffee cup could be about some fundamental principle going on in the relationship that needs attention.”
The hot topics that often cause arguments – money, jealousies, big life decisions – usually have a resonance beyond the relationship, says Abse, often going back to childhood. “If you’re finding certain topics very difficult, having a bit of space where you think about why it’s so hard for you, together or on your own, is important.”
It is the repair of the relationship after an argument that is vital. “Ruptures followed by repair are strengthening and produce greater resilience in a couple than avoidance,” says Abse. Try whatever works for you both – an apology, a cup of tea, a biscuit. “And when the gesture has been made, really try to reciprocate. You can say: ‘I’m still cross with you’, but accept the hug or the cup of tea.” Refusing a peace offering “is likely to lead to gestures not being made and making it harder to come back from arguments. Sometimes it takes time – if the rupture has been about a big betrayal then you’ve got to make the gesture for longer.”
A lot of people, says Abse, are fearful of having rows – maybe you witnessed your parents arguing and found it frightening. “But sometimes you do have to have big arguments, and sometimes you have to accept that they go on for a while.” An argument may be resolved, but it may be a case of learning to live with your differences, she says. “Or realising: ‘We’re too different and we can’t live with that.’”
Since Leslie wrote his book, he has found himself more likely to engage in arguments with his wife. “Not angry ones,” he adds. He suggests having lots of “good-natured, low-stakes arguments. Then, when the bigger ones come along, you’ll be more prepared to deal with them.” As for me, I’m off to start a row.
It’s rare for intense sexual chemistry to last. “We don’t talk about it enough,” says the relationship therapist Cate Campbell, “but it’s very normal for attraction to wane in a long-term relationship, especially as people get older and bodies change. Even if you love and care for your partner, you may fantasise about other people or wish they were younger or fitter. Mother nature tricks our brains into only seeing the positives when we start dating, but that wears off over time.”
Some people find that loss of sexual connection is a dealbreaker, especially when it’s accompanied by other problems in the relationship. “If couples get out of the habit of being intimate,” Campbell says, “it can make them more critical of each other’s flaws.”
But it is possible to keep love alive, and even reignite that sexual spark.
Communicate openly
According to psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur, nothing is more important in relationships than old-fashioned communication. “If you find the sex is missing, have an open conversation about it. Try bringing it up in a non-pressurised environment – like when you’re walking or cooking together. This creates a bit of space so you don’t have to answer questions right away.”
Taking the time to think about what’s caused the physical rift helps couples engage with what’s going on, and consider other forms of intimacy. It’s something that worked for Claire, 36, who has been with her partner for 10 years.
“When the sex went from our relationship a couple of years ago, we talked about it openly,” she says. “He told me that he didn’t fancy me, and I appreciated his honesty. We got together after running a business together so we’d never had that intense honeymoon period. Our relationship was built on mutual trust and enjoying each other’s company, but it got harder during Covid because we had the stress of trying to keep the business going.”
They separated briefly, but soon realised they didn’t want to be apart. “Ultimately, we are partners in life and have always supported each other in everything. For me, being able to have honest, open communication in a life you’ve built together is more important than sex.”
With so much history behind them, Claire found that focusing on their memories and achievements strengthened their bond. “Our relationship is based on achieving things as a team. To support that love, we’ve continued being intimate in other ways, such as hugging, sharing a bed and spending quality time together outside work.”
After two years without sexual contact, the intimacy between them is starting to grow. “It might come back even more when our child leaves home later in life. But for now I appreciate what we have, how well he treats me, and how he supports me through mental health challenges. People think the grass is always greener, but it takes time to build lasting intimacy and I don’t want to throw all that away.”
Kaur agrees that celebrating milestones can be a fantastic way to stop partners from taking each other for granted and recognise the evolution of their relationship. “It can be anniversaries or things you’ve achieved as a couple, such as having children or buying a home together. I recommend writing these things down because it encourages reflection and it helps to build positive memories. You can also try writing down your partner’s best qualities to remind yourself why you were drawn to them in the first place.”
Tackle the weak spots in your relationship
Unlike food and shelter, sexual chemistry isn’t No 1 in the hierarchy of human needs. Relationships coach Katarina Polonska, who specialises in supporting high-achieving couples, says that grappling to achieve the “big ticket” items in life, such as a good career or building a home, can mean people deprioritise their partner, leading to a loss of sexual interest. “To feel in love after the honeymoon period is a choice – it’s not something we can expect to last,” she says. “To make that choice, we have to make room to feel desire and love. The first thing I ask couples when they’re losing desire for each other is whether there are any other stressors in their life, such as work or caring duties.”
For couples who identify this as a problem, making more time for each other can help them reconnect and regain that sexual chemistry. “Another common reason that people stop fancying their partner is due to past resentments and unresolved relationship issues. These can be tiny microaggressions, but over time they grow into something bigger.”
She recommends that couples take at least 30 minutes each week to try the “three things” exercise. “You share three things you appreciate and three things you need the person to know, for example times you didn’t feel seen or heard, or something that has rocked your trust. Then you share three things that you need, such as acts of romance or help around the house. It’s important not to judge, but give each other space to share.”
Build an intimacy routine
Intimacy is often associated with sex, but Campbell points out that it can be so much more than that. “To keep a loving relationship going without sex, it’s important to build an intimacy routine, for example hugging and kissing before you go out. Sometimes applying a sex ban can be helpful to take the pressure off completely and see what happens when you try holding hands or just cuddling on the sofa.”
She adds that if partners still care about each other, spending quality time together is likely to improve the relationship, and those feelings of sexual chemistry could return – even after years without it.
For some couples, practising intimacy exercises can bring them closer together. Clinical psychologist Dr Patapia Tzotzoli says that mindfulness during intimate moments can help to rebuild attraction between couples. “Hugging meditation involves taking a deep breath and visualising your partner 200 years from now. This mental exercise helps people to appreciate that life is precious and enables them to cherish what they have right now.”
Through the simple act of staying in the moment, couples shift their attention back to each other and their relationship. “It can help them to replace the negative feelings with more positive ones and make them more able to interact with each other with kindness and patience.”
Try something new
One of the reasons that attraction between couples can dwindle is the lack of variety. The mundanity of day-to-day life, coupled with the stress of working can leave little time for excitement. Tzotzoli recommends taking up a new hobby or trying something different. “By focusing on personal growth, you’re nurturing your own sense of fulfilment. It can enrich each partner’s individuality, which will contribute positively to the relationship.”
Over time, that renewed sense of self can lead to increased attraction and appreciation for each other. She also suggests trying new activities as a couple, such as dance classes, cooking classes or anything else that pushes you out of your routine.
The key to sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.
By Nina Miyashita
In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by sex—how to have it, how often you should have it, what it should feel like—it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Regardless of if you’re in a long term relationship or you’re single and dating around, far too often, we can easily become disconnected from sex, in more ways than one. So if you find yourself disassociating from the practice, physically or mentally, and starting to struggle in your sex life, rest assured you’re far from being the only one.
Whether you’re dealing with performance anxiety or sexual dysfunction, or you’re just feeling detached or distant from your sexual partner and you want to shake things up, there’s an old sexual practice that can help you get back on track, teach you how to be more present in the moment during sex, and help enhance your lovemaking to a whole new realm. Like the sound of what you’re hearing so far? You might want to consider tantric sex.
A ritual that has been the centre of growing interest in recent years as a way to increase and strengthen sexual connection, tantric sex comes from the word Tantra, an ancient spiritual practice that focuses on a deep sense of bodily, mental and spiritual intimacy—essentially, sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.
What is tantric sex?
“Tantra is an artform that has continuously evolved over the centuries, and today, there are many different variations on the teachings of Tantra,” says Scarlett Wolf, a certified tantric facilitator, educator and massage therapist based in Sydney.
“There are 64 Arts of Tantra, such as the Art of music, poetry, martial arts, language, astronomy and philosophy, to name a few. One purpose of practising the Tantric Arts is to bring vibrancy and creativity into your life, as opposed to living a limiting existence. Tantric, or Sacred Sex, is one of these Arts, and can be practised to a level of mastery.”
Wolf points out that performative, goal-oriented sex can often feel unfulfilling, an issue that we can often run into either in a long term relationship or thanks to all the unhelpful cultural messaging we get around the purpose of sex.
If there’s only one goal for sex, to have an orgasm or to reproduce for example, it can start to feel a bit like a chore—especially for couples who’ve been together for a long time—and you might start to get the sense that it’s just something to get over with. On the other hand, Tantric sex is a slow and intentional way of connecting sexually.
What are the principles of tantric sex?
Mindfulness, intimacy and presence define tantric sex above all else, and it largely centres on a process of energy cultivation and exchange. “Harnessing the power of your sexual energy can open the doors to deep spiritual experiences, personal self-actualisation, and healing,” Wolf says. “The path of Tantra goes beyond the act of sex, as the pathway to an incredible sex life is through, first and foremost, knowing yourself.”
Seeing as our intimate experiences and relationships often reflect how we are in other ways, Wolf says that learning how to hold depth, passion and presence through different aspects of tantric sex can also positively impact so many other areas of our lives.
What are the benefits of tantric sex?
According to Wolf, tantric sex is for “anyone who has a desire to get to know themselves on a deeper level, feel more confident and reach their full potential with sex and intimacy”—and don’t we all? The benefit and goal of tantric is, in turn, multifaceted.
For men specifically, Wolf says there are some specific areas it can really assist in. “It’s extremely helpful for premature ejaculation, performance anxiety and in some cases, erectile dysfunction, if it’s not a medical condition but rather a psychological pattern,” she says. “A man who struggles with premature ejaculation can also reprogram his body to last for extended periods of time and enjoy being in the moment, rather than in fear of how he performs.”
As for couples, practising together can lead to deeper connection and better communication skills, helping you both to better understand your individual emotional and sexual needs—something seemingly simple yet very common that can often be a big barrier to meaningful sex between couples. Always remember that if you’re going to try introduce tantric sex to a partner to get their full and verbal consent to the practice.
Along with more satisfying orgasms and a reduction of stress and anxiety, there’s a whole plethora of benefits with tantric that might change your sex life forever.
How do you incorporate tantric sex into your relationship?
Before you can truly reap the benefits of tantric in your relationship, you’ll have to learn a few things on your own. “Having a solo practice is the starting point of Tantra,” Wolf explains. “Even when you’re in a sexually active relationship, having your own individual practice is essential for the deepening of your connection to your own body.”
“Knowing how to cultivate a connection to self first is what increases our capacity to connect more deeply with others, and feel more present in intimacy when we have partnered experiences. Once you’ve activated your sense of sexual freedom, self-expression and inner confidence, you can then experience this in your partnership.”
What are the techniques and practices of tantric sex?
Regulate your nervous system and do breathing exercises
When you’re getting started on your own, learning how to regulate your nervous system is super important. Think things like meditation, gentle exercise and breathwork. “When we are relaxed, and our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, we feel safe to communicate,” Wolf says. “We are then able to experience what true connection really is, and enjoy mind-blowing pleasure with our partner.”
In Wolf’s words, the secret to pleasure is relaxation. That means taking the time to get off our screens and taking some much needed time out. She recommends movement practices like meditation, dancing, or even taking a walk to clear your head before sex can be really helpful. Learning to slow down your breath is great, too. Breathing in for 5 counts and out for 10 is an easy breathing exercise you can implement to come into a more relaxed state.
Self pleasure
Self pleasure is also going to be important, since this is one of the best ways you can learn about your own sexuality. “Self pleasuring quickly and unconsciously will not make you a better lover, but taking your time and treating your body like you would treat your lover will,” says Wolf.
“A simple way is to practise circulating sexual energy through your body when you self pleasure. Use your breath and visualise as you are breathing that you are drawing your sexual energy up out of your genitals with your in breath and as you breathe out, visualise it spreading throughout your body. This is deeply relaxing and energising for your system.”
Remember, before you start any kind of tantric practice with a partner, getting their full, enthusiastic consent before any sexual or intimate activity is paramount, as is communicating about how you’re both feeling throughout.
Eye gazing
One of the most common ways to start a tantric practice with your partner, once you’re ready to have them join you, is eye gazing or eye contact. Here, Wolf breaks it down step by step.
“Have your partner sit cross legged, or in another comfortable position, facing you, and make sure your posture is supported. Hold hands and keep your arms, shoulders and hands relaxed. Look into the left eye of your partner and hold a gentle yet deep gaze.” You may blink, laugh, cry, smile whilst eye gazing, but try to keep a silence. In lieu of verbal communication, establish non-verbal consent cues before you begin. “Eye gaze for at least 5 minutes or as long as you desire. You may wish to listen to some beautiful music, preferably without lyrics, and then share your experience with your partner afterwards.”
Connecting heart centres through visualisation
“Place your left hand on your partner’s heart and your right hand on their genitals. On your in breath, visualise their sexual energy drawing up through your right hand, into your heart. Use this to energise your body. When you exhale, imagine sending the love in your heart through your left hand into your partner’s heart. Continue this breath and movement energy cycle for five minutes. This is a beautiful way to meditate together that creates a deeper emotional connection, and is also highly arousing.”
Sensual massage and touch
Engaging in a full body sensual massage is another great way to practise partnered tantric, and aims to move sexual energy around the body. Gently massage your partner with intention from the chest and shoulders all the way down their body, focusing on erotic zones, all while you pay attention to your breath.
Giving up too soon
One of the most important things to know before you get started is that Tantra is not about instant gratification. Patience is required when you’re learning new way of deepening your sexual experiences. “For many people, there is a reprogramming that happens around what they’ve known sex to be about,” Wolf confirms.
“Tantra is a journey. It’s not about ‘getting it right’ straight away. While it’s extremely enlightening to educate yourself by reading, watching videos and having conversations about Tantra, the real shift happens when you do the practices.” And Wolf is confident that if you’re consistent with your practice, you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll see and feel results.
Believing that tantra isn’t for you because no one you know does it
“Often people feel shy and don’t have the confidence to share what they’ve learnt, as they feel it’s too weird, out there and might not be accepted—but don’t assume a sexual partner won’t be interested,” Wolf encourages. “As long as someone has a willingness and openness to learn and connect with you this way, that’s all that matters. It’s a beautiful and life changing journey to introduce someone to, and you’ll often be met with gratitude.”
Tantra practice isn’t right for you because you’re not a spiritual person
Worried about the spiritual aspect of the practice? Wolf says you really don’t have to be. “Aside from Tantra having the ability to take you into ecstatic states, it’s also a very grounding somatic—somatic means of the body—practice,” she explains.
“If what you’re looking for is more meaningful connections, and a more fulfilling and enjoyable sex life at the very least, practising Tantra is for you. What I’ve found after 15 years on my Tantric Journey is that there’s never a limit to the depth you can go to with Tantra. It’s a gift that continues to give.”
“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.”
Summary: A new study challenges popular romance myths, debunking the Five Love Languages with evidence-based research. The work, proposes a ‘balanced diet’ metaphor for expressing love, emphasizing the need for diverse and evolving expressions of affection in relationships.
The findings, including critiques of concepts like “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and the appeal of unplanned sex, underscore the importance of mutual satisfaction and novelty in maintaining desire.
The research calls into question widely held beliefs, advocating for a more nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics.
Key Facts:
Amy Muise’s research contradicts the Five Love Languages, suggesting a need for multiple expressions of love rather than one primary language.
Studies led by Muise found that both partners’ perceptions are equally important in a relationship, challenging the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” notion.
Muise’s work emphasizes the importance of planned intimacy and novel experiences in enhancing relationship satisfaction and desire.
Source: York University
From the Five Love Languages to the concept of “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” popular culture is riddled with ideas of how sex and relationships are supposed to work, but does the science back these ideas up?
According to Faculty of Health Assistant Professor and Research Chair in Relationships and SexualityAmy Muise, the answer is frequently no.
Ahead of Valentine’s Day, Muise, also director of the Sexual Health and Relationship (SHaRe) Lab, can offer alternative theories that are supported by her research and other literature in the field.
Muise’s latest research debunks the Five Love Languages, offers ‘balanced diet’ metaphor as alternative
The Five Love Languages is the invention of Gary Chapman, a one-time Baptist minister who provided marital counselling to couples in his church and wrote a book based on his experiences.
The theory goes that each of us has a primary love language – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch – and problems arise in relationships when partners are speaking different languages.
Online dating sites encourage you to share your love language, 50 million people have taken the online test, and videos with the hashtag have half a billion views on TikTok – clearly, the concept has deeply ingrained itself in the popular imagination, but according to Muise’s latest review paper in collaboration with researchers from the University of Toronto, the theory doesn’t hold up.
“His work is based on a very religious traditional sample of monogamous, heterosexual cisgendered couples and it is all anecdotal. We were pretty skeptical of the claims made so we decided to review the existing evidence, and his idea that we all have one primary love language really isn’t supported,” says Muise.
“His measure pits the love languages against each other, but in research studies when they’ve asked people to rate each of these expressions of love independently, people tend to rate them all highly.”
Still, Muise sees why the concept has taken off. “It’s something people can really grab onto in straightforward way and communicate something about themselves to their partner. But we would suggest that love is not a language that you need to learn how to speak but it’s more akin to a nutritionally balanced diet, where partners need multiple expressions of love simultaneously, and that these needs can change over time as life and relationships evolve.”
Other research Muise has done similarly questions pop psychology concepts, exposing flaws along the way:
Happy Wife, Happy Life?
Muise and a group of international collaborators looked into the idea that it is women’s perceptions that are the barometer for the relationships, carrying more weight than men’s. In two studies looking at mixed gender couples, one examining daily diaries and the other looking at annual reports over five years, they found instead that both partners conceptions of the relationship were equally important.
“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.”
Is unplanned sex hotter?
Not necessarily, says Muise. In research done last year with a York graduate student, Muise found that while many people endorsed the ideal of spontaneous sex, the researchers did not find evidence that people’s actual experience of sex was more enjoyable when not planned. If you are planning on sex this Valentine’s Day, Muise advises it might work out better to plan to have it before a big meal.
Is too much closeness bad for sexual relationships?
“In the research, we find couples who grow closer have more desire for each other, but we argue that what’s also needed for desire is otherness or distinctiveness,” she says.
“It’s important to bring new things into the relationship, find ways to see a partner in a new light. Novel experiences have been shown to increase desire in long-term relationships, so when making plans for Valentine’s day, doing something together that’s broadening or expanding can increase desire.”
About this psychology and relationships research news
Author: Emina Gamulin Source: York University Contact: Emina Gamulin – York University Image: The image is credited to Neuroscience News
Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective
The public has something of an obsession with love languages, believing that the key to lasting love is for partners to express love in each other’s preferred language.
Despite the popularity of Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, there is a paucity of empirical work on love languages, and collectively, it does not provide strong empirical support for the book’s three central assumptions that (a) each person has a preferred love language, (b) there are five love languages, and (c) couples are more satisfied when partners speak one another’s preferred language.
We discuss potential reasons for the popularity of the love languages, including the fact that it enables people to identify important relationship needs, provides an intuitive metaphor that resonates with people, and offers a straightforward way to improve relationships.
We offer an alternative metaphor that we believe more accurately reflects a large body of empirical research on relationships: Love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love.
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