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These scientists say you’ll probably never have heart-stopping sex

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Heart patients have worried that they may die suddenly from having sex, but a new study suggests they probably won’t.

Researchers found that less than 1 percent of people who experienced sudden cardiac arrest were having, or just had, sex. Now Sumeet Chugh, one of the study’s authors, has some “happy news” to tell his nervous patients.

“As a cardiologist, from time to time, in an awkward way, patients would ask me, ‘You know doc, what’s my risk of dying suddenly with sexual activity?’ We could say to them it’s probably low, but we never had data,” Chugh said. “Now we have data to answer that question.”

Researchers described sudden cardiac arrest as a “mostly lethal condition” that manifests as “an unexpected collapse and loss of the pulse.”

More than 300,000 people die of sudden cardiac arrest every year in the United States, yet about 1 in 100 men and 1 in 1,000 women experience sudden cardiac arrest relating to sexual activity, according to the study, which was presented at the American Heart Association’s Scientific Sessions and published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.

The community-based Oregon Sudden Unexpected Death Study examined data on more than 4,500 sudden cardiac arrests in the Portland, Ore., metropolitan area from 2002 to 2015. Of those, 34 were related to sex, and most were men with a history of heart diseases.

Researchers collected medical records, autopsy data and details of what the person was doing when sudden cardiac arrest occurred. Any cases that occurred during sex or within one hour of having sex were considered related to sexual activity.

Sudden cardiac arrest occurred during sexual activity in 18 cases and within minutes of it in 15 cases. In one case, the timing could not be determined.

“We were pleasantly surprised to see how low it was,” said Chugh, the associate director of the Heart Institute for Genomic Cardiology at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles.

This study is an opportunity to reassure patients that they can return to a good quality of life, including sexual activity, said Nieca Goldberg, who is the medical director for the Joan H. Tisch Center for Women’s Health at New York University. She is also an AHA spokeswoman and was not involved with the study.

“These are real concerns of our patients,” she said. “We have so many tools to prolong people’s lives. We want them to have a good quality of life, returning to exercise, eating a healthy diet and returning to sexual activity.”

The study also shows that sex “obviously isn’t as strenuous as we thought,” Chugh said, and Goldberg agreed. Sex, in general, is equivalent to walking up two flights of stairs, she said.

But a concerning result of the study, Chugh and Goldberg noted, is that it seems to suggests that sexual partners aren’t very willing to perform CPR, or don’t know how to do it, if a partner goes into sudden cardiac arrest.

Within 10 minutes of sudden cardiac arrest, a person is likely to die, and only one-third of those who experienced sudden cardiac arrest relating to sexual activity received bystander CPR, according to the study.

“We would think that if the witness is right there, everybody would get CPR,” Chugh said. “But it turns out only a third of the subjects got CPR. And since most of the subjects were men it seems like two-thirds of the women really didn’t do the CPR.”

“It’s a good idea to be aware of CPR, know how to do CPR, and do CPR even if it’s as awkward and difficult a scenario as cardiac arrest during sexual activity,” Chugh said.

On average, those who went into sudden cardiac arrest related to sexual activity were five years younger and more likely to be African American than the rest of the cases, the study states. Sudden cardiac arrest in relation to sexual activity was also more likely to have ventricular fibrillation, when the heart pumps little to no blood, according to the study.

Researchers did not examine how often patients in the study had sex, the type of intercourse, or how long it lasted. In any case, the results show that there isn’t a high risk associated with sex and sudden cardiac arrest, Chugh said.

Complete Article HERE!

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The Reason Most Couples Stop Enjoying Sex

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(And How To Heighten Your Capacity For Pleasure)

Everywhere I go, I hear stories about the challenges professional women are having sexually with their partners. It happens to women between 20 and 70, with kids and without. It’s described in one of a few ways:

  • “I used to like sex, but then we had kids, our careers picked up, and something changed.”
  • “When we do have sex, half the time I’m thinking about my to-do list. I feel relieved when it’s over, because then I can do what I really want to do—like finish my book.”
  • “We feel more like roommates or business partners than lovers.”
  • “I’m worried my libido is broken and there’s something wrong with me.”

The high stakes of intimacy in long-term relationships mixed with the inaccurate beliefs about female sexuality we face from all sides make for a volatile combination. But I’ve seen these issues get resolved. It’s absolutely possible. No matter where it’s coming from, sexual dissatisfaction can be remedied when both people commit to learning a new way to relate intimately. These are the keys to creating mutually fulfilling intimacy that lasts a lifetime.

I see that these patterns can change when couples commit to learning a new way of relating sexually that women enjoy. Here are the keys to successfully moving toward intimacy that’s mutually fulfilling:

1. Normalize your experience.

When intimacy is the issue, it can be very difficult to discuss openly. Often, we feel alone and don’t realize that sexual struggles in long-term relationships are not just normal, but they happen to the majority of couples at one time or another. Having discussed these issues with countless female clients who believe that they are to blame for their unhappiness, I realized that we just tend to place blame on ourselves. The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your libido is not broken. You’re not alone and this IS fixable.

2. Clearly articulate your need for change.

One of the biggest mistakes I see otherwise straightforward women make is downplaying their sexual distress to their partner. Many of us believe our male partners don’t care about our sexual fulfillment, or that enjoying sex isn’t worth the tension it would place on your relationship to bring up what isn’t working. Don’t let this stop you from getting what you need.

I have almost as many male clients as female ones, and they all want the same thing when it comes to sex: a partner who is turned on, happy, and enjoying themselves. Regardless of gender or relationship style, if sex only works for one partner in the relationship, then the sex isn’t working.

Have you clearly articulated to your partner that you aren’t sexually satisfied and that you need something to change? If not, your chances of fulfillment are slim. Blaming yourself doesn’t make anything better; taking responsibility for dealing with it as a team does. Get in the habit of talking with your partner regularly about what’s working for you and what isn’t.

3. Stop following a script.

We seem to all have been given the same misinformation about how sex should go: It starts with kissing and ends with intercourse. We’ve also been taught that happy couples have sex once per [day, week, month, insert stereotype here]. We’ve learned that sex is over when the man reaches orgasm. But I’m here to tell you that every single one of these statements is not only false but harmful.

The truth is that when couples drop expectations about sex and adopt a new approach—one that makes both parties’ genuine fulfillment a prerequisite rather than a bonus—women’s genuine fulfillment (which includes much more than having orgasms)—it supports deeper intimacy and can make a woman’s libido more active than it ever was before. Learn more about how to enter a new, infinitely satisfying paradigm here.

4. Recognize that orgasms are not sex’s raison d’être.

Orgasms are wonderful, but in truth, our fixation on them keeps our sex lives from becoming extraordinary. Let’s get real: If orgasms were all it took for radical fulfillment, far more of us would feel fulfilled. We wouldn’t even need relationships to make that happen. But we know it’s not the same. Self-pleasure is healthy, and may temporarily alleviate feelings of exhaustion or anxiety, but it doesn’t provide us with the connection or intimacy that partnered sex can.

5. Seriously, get rid of the script—before you even start the first act.

You’ll see a night-and-day difference in your sexual encounters if you let go of expectations before either of you starts getting hot and bothered. Nothing hinders women’s enjoyment of sex more than feeling pressured in bed. It’s almost impossible for us to enjoy ourselves if we’re worried about expectations about how or how much we are. Instead of feeling the pleasure, we get stuck wondering whether we’re doing it right or whether our partner is satisfied. Tossing expectation out the window is the most reliable way to start having fantastic sex immediately.

6. Touch each other for the sake of touching—with no apprehension or expectation about where it might lead.

Physical contact is essential for sexual fulfillment. But when sex isn’t working, we often avoid touching each other. I encourage couples to touch each other frequently and in a wide variety of ways—foot massages, hand-holding, and everything in between. But, by the same token, I encourage couples to stop tolerating touch they don’t like or want.

Tolerating touch leads to sexual shutdown—the person being touched isn’t enjoying themselves but won’t say it; the person doing the touching knows something is wrong but isn’t being told how to fix it. It creates distance rather than fostering intimacy. The solution is to have physical contact with zero expectations. When pressure and expectations are lifted, touch becomes an exploration of sensation and connection rather than a race to orgasm or “those same three moves.”

7. Don’t look at sex as a means to achieve any goal other than giving and receiving pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

Goals are great for business plans and exercise regimens, but they have the opposite effect on sex. Few of us have ever touched our partner without trying to achieve a goal. We use our touch to prove we’re a good lover, to make peace in the relationship, or to bring our partner to climax. How would we touch each other if we weren’t trying to achieve anything except to connect and explore each other’s bodies? Given an open-ended approach to sex that is full of touch and free of pressure, both desire for and enjoyment of sex will grow exponentially.

8. Learn what you like, and allow yourself to receive it.

Desire is vital to fulfillment. When we lose touch with that inner spark, our sex lives fall flat. Ask yourself the question, “What do I want?” 10 times a day. Seriously. And get very good at answering it. Desire is the first step. Only then can we receive it. It may sound simple, but I see women struggle sexually for years because they don’t know how to receive the help, love, and touch their partner wants to give. It takes as much work to receive as to give—sometimes more.

Practice receiving by focusing on the enjoyment of what you’re experiencing. Sink into the warm embrace of a hug. Delight in the smell of your favorite baked good. Relax as your partner touches you. Think less; feel more.

9. Practice, practice, practice.

Yes, even great sex requires practice. Create habits that can be easily incorporated into your daily routine. I encourage all couples I work with to develop a habit of sexual research—open-ended sessions where couples explore new ways to connect without pressure. Like any new habit, allowing yourself to feel more pleasure and connection takes practice.

10. If it seems helpful, get professional coaching.

If you don’t feel like you can do it alone, don’t. There’s nothing to be ashamed of except not using every tool at your disposal to create the relationship you want. Get the support of a coach whose philosophy inspires you.

11. Be patient with yourself and with your partner.

Sexual connection is deeply personal and one of the most vulnerable elements of our identities. Don’t be discouraged if you, your partner, or your sex life doesn’t change as quickly as you’d hoped. People transform in different ways, through different means, over different periods of time. In seeking long-lasting change, favor paradigm shifts over quick fixes. Stick with it and be patient with each other.

Complete Article HERE!

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4 things we really need to stop saying (and believing) about depression and sex

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It’s time to change your mind

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I always say that sex and depression is the intersection of two taboo topics.

It’s especially hard to talk about the two together because, frankly, it can be hard to talk about either topic separately.

Today, we’re going to look at some commonly held (and oft-repeated) beliefs that really need to be retired in the name of destroying the stigma around these important topics.

Also, they are just not true.

Depression is hard enough to cope with on its own. Don’t make it worse by piling on unfair, untrue cliches. Know the truth about sex and depression and help end the stigma.

Depressed people don’t want to have sex anyway

In 2014, I launched a survey on the impact of depression and its treatment on sexual function and relationships.

A total of 1,100 people took that survey.

In 2015, I started interviewing participants and only then did I spot the massive flaw in my survey: it only allowed for people to give responses about decreased libido.

When I conducted a second round of interviews in 2016 I asked, ‘Did depression impact your sex life? If so, how?’ and more than 29% of the respondents reported increased sexual activity during depressive episodes.

Don’t stick it in the crazy

Stop with this. It’s ableist and frankly it’s ridiculous.

Depression is not an STI and we don’t need to quarantine all the people with depression so they don’t sexually infect you.

Certainly you get to choose who you do and do not engage in sexual activity with, but reciting a (not at all clever) catchphrase, that is based in nothing, about dismissing an entire group of people just helps further stigma and makes people feel like they need to hide their own mental illness struggles.

Sex isn’t important enough to worry about when you’re fighting depression

A scenario that came up over and over in my research was patients being dismissed by doctors or the other people in their lives when they objected to sexual side effects because sex isn’t important enough to worry about ‘at a time like this’.

In some cases, the respondents believed it – ‘I didn’t worry about sex because there were more important things to worry about!’

Listen, yes, sometimes depression treatment is a fight to stay alive and we do whatever it takes, other times, it’s about maintenance and we are allowed to want more than just survival.

People with depression are allowed to want to actually live, and for a lot of people that includes sex.

You have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else

A lot of people will never love themselves.

When we tell people they are ineligible for love until they have hit this self-love goal (I know no one who has done this), what we are really doing is telling them that they have to be a better person in order to be loved.

Another variation on this is, ‘you have to get yourself together first’.

These are all nonsense, and the domain of people who want others to believe that relationships shouldn’t involve any baggage.

Everyone’s got baggage. You don’t need to pretend yours isn’t there to be loveable.

Complete Article HERE!

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The 6 Funniest Reasons Why Total Tops Won’t Bottom

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By Zachary Zane

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While many gay/bi men are versatile (meaning they top AND bottom), we’ve definitely run into some guys who identify as TOTAL TOPS, and wouldn’t ever bottom if their life depended on it. Of course, if topping is your thing, and you have no desire to bottom, then don’t do it. Never do anything you don’t want to sexually or otherwise.

With that said, there are some pretty hilarious reasons why tops refuse to bottom. Here are six of the most ridiculous reasons I’ve heard from total tops.

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1. “I’m not feminine.”

LOL. Good for you, but bottoming doesn’t have anything to do with femininity. Masculine men can like bottoming and it says nothing about their gender identity or expression.

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2. “It will hurt.”

Okay. this one’s a fair reason, but it only hurts a little in the beginning when you’re not used to it, which is why it’s important to practice and get to know yourself beforehand. Once you get the hang of it, the pain is substituted by pleasure. Trust me, it’s definitely worth it!

In case you’re curious what all the fuss is about, here are some tips for guys interested in bottoming for the first time.

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3. “It’s poopy down there.”

Yes, of course it can get poopy, ‘cause you know, biology. But why are you okay with penetrating someone else, who has the same biology as you? He too, you know, has normal bodily functions…

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4. “I’m bisexual.”

Yay! I’m bisexual too. But again, sexual orientation, gender, and sexual position preferences are independent from one another. Just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you’re exclusively a top.

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5. “I don’t have that nice of a butt.”

Oh, honey!! Don’t beat yourself down. There’s much more to being a good bottom than the size or firmness of your tush. Don’t worry about that. And if you really, really, don’t like your butt, try some lunges and squats.

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6. “When you have a d*ck as big at mine, you top.”

You have a large penis? Congratulations! Believe it or not, not all bottoms care about penis size. Some guys actually prefer penises on the thinner and/or shorter side. Just because you’re packing in the front, doesn’t mean you can’t take some on your back.

Complete Article HERE!

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10 Topics Gay Guys Never Discuss With Their Parents

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When you’re gay, it’s hard to talk to your parents about certain things. No matter how accepting or open-minded they may be, gay relationships, gay culture, and the mechanics of gay sex will stay a mystery to them — unless, of course, one of your parents is gay — or both.

Anyone who has been out of the closet for any amount of time knows that “gay” is more than a label to define your sexuality. It is a core part of your identity, and words like “queer,” “bi,” and “LGBTQ” constitute a significant part of your life — your people, your language, and your interests, both politically and socially. These words define a culture that our straight parents will never fully know. They may watch softened depictions of it on Modern Family, but they have never sung drunk karaoke at your favorite gay watering hole or queened out to Britney. They’ve never danced in a sea of sweaty men till 6 a.m. and they have no idea what Nasty Pig is.

Much of our culture can be hard to explain. Poppers and anal plugs will probably never warrant a conversation with mom, but other conversations — about PrEP and nonmonogamy, for example — can lead to greater understandings. Here’s a list of all those things gay men don’t talk about with their parents, with a small smattering of advice on how to do so!

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1. Douching

The thought of you having sex with another man crossed your parents’ minds from the moment they found out you were gay. Though they would never admit it, they still wonder about it from time to time. The image flashes when they’re trying to go to sleep, when they’re taking the dog out for a walk. Like many straight people, they may be clueless as to how it all works and may mistakenly believe it to be a very messy business. But douching — the process of cleaning out the anal cavity before sex — is one of those off-limits topics, one I would never bring with to them.

One way to hint at it without having to say anything is to have your parents over to your place for a night where there is, regrettably, only one shower. You must conveniently forget to unscrew the metal douching hose from its attachment at the side of your shower head. I’m not saying you should picture your mother naked, but envision her standing in your shower, looking through your assortment of overpriced sugar scrubs, charcoal-infused body bars, and organic, woodsy-smelling shampoos, and frowning over that dangling hose with the phallic-shaped metal attachment at the end. Then, hopefully, it will click, and she’ll deduce that your sex is not quite as messy as she thought.

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2. Poppers

When I’m talking to guys on Scruff whose profiles read “No PnP,” I usually ask, “Do you use poppers?” Most frequently, the answer is, “Sure. Love poppers.”

Poppers, while still a drug, are so mild that many gay men do not consider them in the same “sex drug” category that Tina (crystal meth) and G fall into. They’ve become staples of gay sex, gay culture, and gay history. We’ve been using them since the ’70s for their particular power of relaxing the anal sphincter for a few minutes, just long enough to get sex revved up. But if you try to explain the process of inhaling alkyl nitrites — video head cleaner — to your parents, they will likely conjure the imagine of junkies snorting glue in the school supplies aisle.

As with many items on this list, you could make the reasonable argument that poppers — like most facets of gay sex — never need to be brought up to your parents, since your sex life is not any of their business. But if they ever wonder why you have a few small amber bottles of some chemical that smells like nail polish in the freezer, poppers may inadvertently become a discussion topic in the kitchen.

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3. Fisting

Even if you don’t do it, you know someone who does. Fisting has long lost its shock value in gay circles, and has crossed over from dark sex dungeons into the arena of mainstream gay life. Many guys who aren’t regularly seen in leather harnesses now enjoy fisting. But imagine explaining to Dad how some guys take hands (and more) up the anus — especially when the idea of taking an erect penis up there is already outside the realm of his imagination. Many people, gay and straight, do not believe — or have not accepted — that fisting, when done safely and correctly, does not create long-term damage and can be an incredibly passionate and enjoyable sexual experience.

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4. Drag

Even though words like “slay” and “werq” have broken into the straight lexicon — primarily thanks to RuPaul’s Drag Race — the art and culture of drag is still a queer creation and belongs to us. Straight people are welcome to enjoy drag shows at their local gay bar, so long as they tip, but theirs is not a history of disenfranchisement and oppression, abuse and homelessness, poverty and sex work — a queer history in which drag emerged as an act of self-empowerment.

Drag can be hard to explain to your parents. It was hard to explain to mine. My parents assumed that all gay men dress up in women’s clothes and sing diva power ballads, so the concept of drag was indistinguishable from the rest of gay life to them. They could not appreciate drag’s cultural importance because it’s not their culture, and they did not understand its complicated history with the transgender movement because they do not understand, and refuse to understand, the concept of transgender identity.

To them, as well as to many others, drag artists and trans people are the same thing — a deeply incorrect assumption that has led to something of a modern cultural rift between trans activists and the drag world. The two camps have an overlapped history, since many trans folks first discovered their true identities through drag. In the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s, when the concept of “transgender” was not as developed as it is today, many transgender people could only express themselves through drag art. As our cultural understandings both of drag and transgender identity have evolved, the two have split, and the burden has fallen on many transgender folks and trans activists to highlight and explain the significant difference between the two. Many people, my parents included, consider a trans woman to be “a man in a dress” — essentially a drag performer — and the phrase has become a terribly offensive slur against transgender women.

Take your parents to a drag show. Give them bills to tip the queens. (This assumes that your parents, unlike mine, are wiling to set foot in a gay bar.) Let them see drag in all its ferocity and kitschy wonder, then afterward, walking home, highlight the fact that what they saw was performance art, a toss-up between cabaret and camp. Explain to them that even if a transgender person does drag, the drag is the performance, but their trans identity is not. Regardless of what someone does onstage, transgender identity is a person’s authentic identity. “While drag is done for an audience, coming out as transgender is done solely for oneself,” a trans friend once told me. “And it is just as healthy and important to do as any coming-out, any form of self-acceptance that your mental health depends on.”

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5. Bears, Otters, and Pups, Oh My!

The labels will be the bane and the delight of your gay life. Gay men have long established the bizarre practice of defining and stereotyping ourselves into labels based on body type and sex practices. In the gay lexicon, burly, hairy men over a certain age are “bears.” Young bears are “cubs.” Skinnier, scruffier guys are “otters.” Young, lean, hairless guys are “twinks.” Guys into puppy play (a kink scene that was listed on my list of 30 kinky terms every gay man should know) who enjoy the “pup” role are “pups,” both in and out of the scene. Guys who prefer condomless sex are “pigs.” Tall, skinny gay guys are “giraffes” (a lesser-known label).

How did we come up with these? Regardless of where they came from, and in spite of their much-debated value, the labels are likely here to stay. While they are common parts of our speak, your parents would probably be confused to learn that you think bears are sexy or that your boyfriend is a puppy.

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6. Nonmonogamy

Nonmonogamy works out for gay men. In fact, this writer believes that nonmonogamous pairings, open and semi-open relationships, and relationships with relaxed sexual parameters are ideal for us — much more so than the monogamous alternative. The concept of nonmonogamy may seem foreign to our parents. Having a frank conversation about the parameters of your particular gay relationship with your parents may be awkward, but it can lead to something good. Explaining the distinction between sex and love may not leave everyone in agreement, especially if your parents are religious, conservative, or both. But at the very least, it will be an illuminating window into your life.

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7. HIV

Gay men are still disproportionately affected by HIV compared to our straight counterparts. While no one needs to come out as HIV-positive, least of all to their parents, many poz gay men choose to do so at some point, for various reasons. Coming out to my parents about my status was hard; I did it the same morning an op-ed I wrote about coming out as poz was published in The Advocate last December.

Many of our parents remember the early days of the AIDS epidemic, so the news can be hard for them. They may mistakenly believe that the outlook for an HIV-positive person in 2016 is the same as it was 30 years ago. Most well-informed gay men, particularly those who live in urban areas, are up to speed on modern HIV care and know that with antiretroviral treatment, HIV has become a livable chronic illness that is more preventable today than ever before. Our parents aren’t accustomed to seeing testing trucks outside of gay clubs or HIV pamphlets disseminated in chic gayborhoods, so they will probably need some information to alleviate the initial fear. Give them resources and time.

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8. PrEP

There may never be a need to talk about your once-daily Truvada pill to your parents, but if they see the medicine bottle by the sink one day when the family is sharing a beach condo, you need to have answers ready.

PrEP is the once-a-day pill regimen for HIV-negative people that has proven extremely effective at preventing HIV transmission. Statistically, it’s more reliable than regular condom use. Upon initial explanation, your parents will likely respond the way many have responded to PrEP and see it as an excuse to have raucous unprotected sex. Even if you are having raucous condomless sex, you will have to explain to them that you are still protected from HIV.

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9. Top/Bottom

Just as your parents have been envisioning your sex from the moment they first learned you were gay, they have been wondering “what you do.” When/if they meet your boyfriend, they will wonder “what he does.” They won’t say it aloud, but they wonder, late at night, after the dinner dishes have been put away, whether you’re the top or the bottom. (I always find it remarkable how straight people assume every gay man is one or the other — versatile guys don’t exist in straight visions of gay sex.)

Like douching, this is one I will never talk about to my parents, no matter how chummy we get.

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10. Kink

My parents know I am gay. They know I am having sex. They know I date and have sex with other men. But they do not know and will not be told how much I love having used underwear stuffed in my mouth and my wrists tied together with duct tape. The only time I ever came close to explaining my kink practices was at the beach a few years ago when I realized there were still red caning lines on my butt and legs. I lay in the tanning bed to darken the skin around the marks and opted for a pair of baggier, less flattering board shorts.

While kink is not restricted to gay men, we have certainly been longtime practitioners of the rougher arts. Like drag, leather was originally our thing and has by and large remained so. Kink and fetish play are things that gay men of all stripes can at least be familiar with, and have probably dabbled in at one time or another. But it is one area of gay life that our parents may have a hard time distinguishing from rape and abuse, perversion and degeneracy. Explaining it can be tough.

Its accouterments can be hard to hide — all those ass toys and leather gear require storage, and that sling in the bedroom cannot reasonably be disguised as a place to hang laundry. Have a regimen prepared for surprise visits and dinners, and if you enjoy getting backlashes or caning down your legs, try not to do so before a family beach trip.

Complete Article HERE!

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