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Short and Sweet

Here are a few more questions from the Anonymous Submission Bin.

  • May I remind you that it’s just as easy to call in your questions. Visit the The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. It’s a toll-free number and phone calls go directly to voicemail. Phone submissions are also more likely to show up in one of my podcasts…and you do want to be famous, don’t you?

Name: Jane
Gender: Female
Age: 43
Location: TN
I have been dating the same guy for 2 and half years. I have never had a guy not go down on me. But this guy will not get even get close to my vagina with his tongue. He loves me to give him a bj and sometimes I do it for hours making him feel good. I am far from ugly. I even have a boob job. I just don’t understand this.

Jane, your man is pussy-phobic. I’m surprised you haven’t run into his kind before. There’s a shit-load of them out there.

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It’s a masculine thing for some guys; they absolutely will not eat out a girl no matter what. It’s not like they tried it a couple of times and just don’t like it; they simply won’t fuckin’ try it because they’re manly men. Don’t ya just love it?

Jane, if you’re blowin’ this dude and he’s not reciprocating with some mighty fine cunt-lappin’; then you’re the fool, not him. He ‘s getting everything he wants and there’s no reason for him put out for you. Men are pigs, dear. So if you’re looking for more mutuality in the sex department, lay down the law. In the immortal words of Hannibal Lecter; “Quid pro quo, Clarice! Only don’t call your man Clarice.

Good Luck!

Name: nick
Gender: Male
Age: 26
Location: home
Is it ok to swallow your own cum?

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Yep, it’s perfectly fine. In fact, I recommend it…especially if you want your partner to swallow. Every man should know what his spunk tastes like, if you ask me. And before you ask; no, eating your own cum will not make you queer. Eating your own spooge and LOVING IT…that makes you gay. Just kidding!

If the idea of you ingesting your own seed disgusts you, as it does so many unenlightened men out there, then don’t go trying to feed it to anyone else. That would just indicate that you’re trying to denigrate partner with your cum, not gifting it to him and/or her.

Good Luck!

Name: Brian
Gender:
Age: 38
Location: UK
I like to jack off using other guys’ spunk. Is this risky?

Let’s review something I said in my first podcast. There is some risk involved with everything we do.cum_geyser9.jpeg

In that podcast, I initiated a little code — you know, like the festive rainbow colored homeland security codes we’ve all come to know love. I’ll be referring to this code a lot, so it bears repeating. The Dr Dick Health Risk Code is simple. 1) Advised — 2) Advised with Minimal Risk — 3) Advised with Caution and 4) Not Advisable.

Now back to you, Brian. Dr dick is gonna label jerkin off with another guys jizz — Advised . Cum, as we all know, can transmit the HIV virus if it’s present in the host. However, there’s virtually no risk for HIV transmission unless you have abrasions on your dick. And if you do have abrasions on your cock, you need to give your johnson a break till you heal.

Good Luck!

Strangers In The Night, Part 1

And now, we turn our attention to our first crop of anonymous submissions.

Name: MIke P
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Los Angeles
My girlfriend needs to watch lesbian porn to get off and sometimes kicks me out of the bedroom to masturbate by herself. Initially I was turned on by her desire to watch porn — but now — it’s become a blockage. She always needs porn. I am frustrated and to make things worse — she has started abusing me through financial manipulation. I have to pay her rent — pay for her food, pay everything — and she never gives me nookie.
Should I leave this woman?

Hey Mike,Time to wake up, fella! Your “girlfriend” — and you notice I put that inlesbian_tickle.jpg quotes — is decidedly not YOUR girlfriend, and possibly not any man’s girlfriend. I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and say; I think your “girlfriend” is a certifiable, died-in-the wool, muff-divin’, coozie-lovin’ lesbitarian. All that’s really left for her to do to make the picture perfectly clear…even to you, is to show up one day in a mullet and a plaid flannel shirt. Holy cow, mike, how is it that you are missing the obvious?

Listen, bub, it’s clear to me, you’re excess baggage. She keeps you around for comic relief…oh and to foot the bill.

Should you leave this woman, you ask. Honey, she’s beaten you to the punch on that one. She’s long gone and left you way behind, at least emotionally and sexually. All that’s left for you to do is find the door and say good-bye to this embarrassing situation.

Good luck!

Name: leslie
Gender:
Age: 46
Location: Brisbane
Will bicycling make me impotent?

YIKES Leslie, what kind of bike riding are you doing that would put such a notion in your head?

img_6549.JPGMy initial response to your question, of course, was a wisecrack. “Sure, bike riding will make you impotent if you get your balls caught in the spokes. Throw those things over your shoulder when you ride, for christ sake!”

Then I thought to myself, “Wait, what does Leslie mean by impotent?” I know lots of people confuse and/or conflate the two very different concepts of impotency and sterility. So maybe this is an opportunity to sort this out some.

Impotence is characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection. And I suppose extreme bike riding, like the kind I see on TV, could possibly cause this condition. Especially, if you were knocking your cock around enough to cause your darling little willie serious injury.

Male sterility, on the other hand, is the inability of the male reproductive system (a guys’s balls, basically) to produce enough (or even any live) sperm for the purpose of impregnation. The reason I bring this up is, I know fertility specialists are very concerned about men wearing tight-fitting underwear and pants for long periods of time. (We used to call these cheap hotel pants — there’s not ballroom! Get it?) Tight fitting garments elevate a man’s balls to the base of his pelvis, which in turn increases the temperature in his balls. Too much heat kills our little juniors, don’t cha know!

The reason evolution designed our gonads to reside outside our bodies and actually hang off of and away from our bodies is so that all our cute little sperm buddies can stay relatively cool and comfortable till they blissfully shoot out of our dick into a vagina, ass-hole, condom or Kleenex.

Tighty-whities and all such things, particular those obscenely clingy Spandex — which is basically plastic — making things even hotter — bike shorts are notorious sperm killers! So in a way, Leslie, yes, biking can make you sterile if not impotent.

Good Luck!

PS: take a look at this: http://www.travelblogs.com/dougdo/world_naked_bike_ride.htm

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Guess What, Honey? I’m A Kinky Old Sod!

So you’ve met the person of your dreams only you haven’t got around to telling your new honey your dirty little secret. The sweet thing hasn’t a clue that you’re itchin’ for some big time bondage. Or that you’d sell your soul to be dominated like the scum that you are. Or you’re salivating over that dildo you have tucked away in the attic, the one that could be mistaken for a floor lamp. Or you’re craving to be spanked till your5.jpg shameless ass glows in the dark. Or you want to hump his/her feet like a dog and gobble up his/her toe jam. Or you have this nasty little thing about spike heels, frilly nickers and jungle red lipstick.

Never fear, Dr. Dick has heard it all a million times before. Some sorry pervert’s got it bad for white bread. Dear Dr. Dick, Help! I’m in love with the sweetest guy/gal in the word, but our sex life is all vanilla all the time. I’m bored shitless! I know how to liven things up, you see I have this fetish (you fill in the blank) but I don’t know how to tell him/her about it and I’m afraid s/he’ll freak if s/he finds out. What’s a perv to do?

Introducing your partner to your personal world of kink is tricky; the whole little love match could blow up in your face. But a life of pretense and sexual boredom isn’t the way to go either. Why not just stand tall like the disgusting pervert you are and brazenly proclaim your fetish to little Mary Sunshine. After all, unless your boyfriend or gal-pal is as dumb as a post s/he’s already figured out that your mutual sex life435_girlshyspanking.jpg limps. Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than corrupting an innocent. Who knows, s/he may have secrets of his/her own.

Here’s what I suggest. Casually direct the conversation to the amazing variety of human sexual expression. You could reassure your sweetie that just because some things are unfamiliar to her/him doesn’t make them bad. Tell him/her that you’ve been waiting for your relationship to mature so that you could share the intricacies of your desires with him/her. This can be one of those precious bonding moments that Oprah is always talkin’ about. This might be a good time to view that special video you picked up in the kink section of the local porn emporium. Invite her/him to explore your fantasy with you. Tell the little flower that your love for him/her demands that you share the fullness of your sexuality with 0.jpgher/him. Then pick one turn-on for the two of you to experiment with; lingerie, toys, dominance and submission, role-playing, whatever.

Decide on a safe-word, an out of context word your partner could use if the experiment is heading in an uncomfortable direction. For example, if the dildo is too big or the lipstick is too red, s/he could say “pickles.” The safe-word, when uttered in the scenario, will let you know that you need to change direction or slow down without completely destroying the built up sexual energy.

If this initiation process doesn’t work Dr. Dick suggests that you cut your losses and dump the white bread. Go out and find yourself a kindred spirit, someone you won’t have to apologize to for being creative in your sex play.

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