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Feminism and Sexual Submission Aren’t Mutually Exclusive


A meme showed up on my Facebook newsfeed one afternoon a few weeks back.

by Savannah Stewart

It was shared by some fuckboy I worked with for about five minutes before he was never seen again, except when sliding into his female former colleagues’ DM’s—which should have been reason enough to keep scrolling past, yet here we are.

The picture was of a young woman. “Preaches feminism,” it said just above her head. And below, “likes bondage.” Accompanying the meme was some type of monologue calling out women who support equal rights but “like to get slapped around” as hypocrites.

If women are going to “complain” about the things feminists get all up in arms about—like the fact that one in three women will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime, or that almost half of murdered women are killed by current or former partners—then they’d better not enjoy a bit of roughness directed their way during sex or they’re full of shit. That was essentially the message of his ever-so-valued input about a woman’s sexuality. Because, clearly, those things are identical.

A few commenters pointed out that enjoying some naughty fun between the sheets is, in fact, completely different from experiencing abuse. “The difference is consent!” one commenter asserted, drawing digital thumbs-up from me and many others.

I agree wholeheartedly with that idea, and I think that the logical argument ends there. Rape and domestic violence are by definition not at all the same thing as enjoying and consenting to being in a position of submission during sex, and there is no correlation between the two. End of story.

But of course, fuckboy didn’t see it that way—how can a woman who likes to have physical force used on her in a sexual context walk around saying that hitting women is wrong? She obviously could not be taken seriously, he asserted.

I know I should’ve moved on, forgetting him and his irrelevant commentary. But I didn’t. It bothered me to reading that post, because I know a lot of people actually believe the things he believes.

Then I realized something: people who think that way, that feminist women cannot also be sexually submissive, probably just think that way because they don’t understand either concept.

And so this is me, after sitting on it for about a month now, retroactively explaining to Mr. Fuckboy what he doesn’t seem to understand.

First, it’s important to know that feminism is about a lot of things, but primarily it promotes political, social and economic equality regardless of gender, race, ability, sexual orientation, etc. It focuses on the issues that affect women, as well as other marginalized people, with the goal of empowering them and helping them achieve equality with privileged groups.

Sexual and domestic abuse are therefore important feminist issues because, though anyone regardless of gender can be the victims of these, they disproportionately affect women, people of colour, people with disabilities, and so on.

But on top of that, feminism is about making sure everyone has the freedom, education and tools required to make their own choices and become the rulers of their own destinies.

This includes, but is certainly not limited to, sexual preferences. Feminists believe that people should have the necessary information and confidence to figure out for themselves independently of society’s imposed constraints what feels good, what turns them on, and how they want to have sex—as long as it’s done between people who are fully informed and consenting.

Therefore, if someone comes to the conclusion that they enjoy being in a submissive role for sex and they want to act out fantasies of submission with a trusted partner, it in no way makes them less of a feminist—in fact, that’s feminist as hell. Feminism supports people owning their sexuality; so it’s not an excuse to start criticizing people who know what they want and actively seek it out.

But perhaps fuckboy’s issue is more with the notion of a feminist, someone supposed to fight for equality, wanting to submit themselves to the whims of another human being, very oftentimes a man?

The thing about submission is, like most other fetishes, it is the complex and unpredictable result of years of lived experience, exposure to all sorts of media, and plain old nature and nurture. And, just like every other fetish, it is a sexual fantasy that for most people in no way dictates how they wish to be treated outside of a sexual setting.

Think about it: just because you like being touched a certain way during sex does not mean that you want people to touch you that way when you’re on the bus, or making dinner, or reading, or doing whatever else. This can’t be repeated enough—consent is the key.

The truth of the matter is that we can’t control what turns us on, and our turn ons usually have nothing to do with how we live our lives. But something we can do is find ways to act out our turn ons in such a manner that is safe, respectful and enjoyable for everyone involved.

For people who enjoy experimenting with a power exchange, that’s where kink comes in. With communication, safe words, discussions about hard & soft limits, people who want to take on a dominant or submissive role during sex can do so in a way that is respectful and mutually beneficial. If you want to learn more about kink and dominant/submissive relationships, this guide is a really great start.

With all these tools at their disposal, people who are interested in being dominated—or dominating—can do so in a way that makes them and those they engage with feel comfortable. The goal is never to actually hurt someone, push someone’s boundaries or to make them feel unsafe.

Submissive feminists aren’t hypocrites. They are people who know what they like, know what they want, and know that their preferences don’t take anything away from their value as human beings.

Complete Article HERE!


Finding power through play: How BDSM can fuel confidence


By Emerald Bensadoun

Marianne LeBreton is suspended in mid-air, tied in an upside-down futumomo, legs bound together. The ropes cascade in intricate patterns, beginning at her ankles and working their way all the way around her wrists. The ropes arch her body backward. Her breathing steadies. Serenity washes through her. The slight discomfort of certain positions causes slow burns to spread across her body—but the pain is secondary to the relief. LeBreton becomes entrenched in a state of flow. Her mind is quiet. She’s enjoying the intensity, both emotionally and physically.

For LeBreton, bondage has become a meditative experience. When it comes to receiving pain, which she enjoys, it takes a certain focus and determination. LeBreton finds rope— especially Japanese rope bondage—to be particularly meditative. She equates BDSM to an empowering “sense of calm,” but it didn’t start out that way.

“What colour should it be?” thought LeBreton. She wanted her boyfriend to like it. As an 18-year-old student on a budget, it couldn’t be too expensive. For almost a week she scrolled through the internet until she finally came across what she was looking for. It was even in her price range. This was the one. Satisfied, she clicked “purchase.” LeBreton had just bought her first flogger—a whip with long tendrils coming out the end. “It felt like the beginning of something for me,” said LeBreton.

When asked about her first experience with BDSM, she grins from ear to ear, trying to visualize the details. “There wasn’t Fifty Shades of Grey but there was hentai,” she says. At the age of 13, LeBreton became fascinated with Bondage Fairies, an erotic manga about highly sexual, human-shaped female forest fairies with wings who work as hunters and police protecting the forest.

Now 30, LeBreton has an MA in sexology from Université du Québec à Montréal and owns KINK Toronto, an up-and-coming BDSM boutique in Toronto’s Annex. BDSM, she says, is about much more than pain—it’s about empowerment. LeBreton says we could use a little more playfulness in our lives. More sensuality. More discovery. “That’s usually what I hear from customers who are curious; they are excited and thrilled to be daring and to be doing this for themselves or their partners,” says LeBreton. “It’s definitely a journey of self-discovery and acceptance.” In her workshops, being naked and engaging in play publicly, she says, has helped with her confidence and body image.

In 2015, Christian Joyal, who has a PhD in psychology from the Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières, and his colleagues published a paper on fantasies; ranging from sex in a public places, to tying up a sexual partner, to watching same-gender sex and pornography. But there were also fantasies about being dominated sexually. These were present in 65 per cent of women and 53 per cent of men; dominating someone sexually, present in 47 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men; being tied up for sexual pleasure which appealed to 52 per cent of women and 46 per cent of men.

“From what we’ve seen, most people have a very strict image of what [BDSM] should look like, which is very restricting,” she says. BDSM, she notes, doesn’t have to involve leather. It doesn’t have to involve pain. Another mistake is attributing masculine or feminine traits to erotic behaviour. For many people, BDSM is a healthy way to express their sexuality and grain a sense of control in their lives and of their bodies.

In her workshops, being naked and engaging in play publicly, she says, has helped with her confidence and body image

When it comes to dominance and submission, negotiations, and boundaries, safety and consent are crucial. While the words “dominant” or “top” may conjure up images of complete control, those in the BDSM world know that the submissive, or “bottom” hold true power. “The bottom is the one who gets to decide what they would like, what they do not want, what their limits are,” says LeBreton, “It’s the top’s responsibility to follow that through. Of course some people have very specific kinks where it’s kind of like ‘I want you to take control.’ But that’s negotiated and within limits set by the bottom.”

Feeling in control can also be about letting go. Relinquishing that sense of control they exert in every other part of their lives can be therapeutic. For this reason, LeBreton says that men, especially those in positions of higher power, will often identify as submissives in the bedroom.

Alex Zalewski says he’s always been a little rough. But in a seven-year “vanilla” relationship, it was difficult to break routine. Months later, for the first time in Zalewski’s life, he felt horribly unsure of himself. He’d been flirting with a new girl for some time whose friends invited him to their apartment. But he was confused. “Spit in my mouth,” she demanded. “Slap me.” Zalewski was torn between arousal and inner turmoil. If there was one thing he’d ever been taught from a young age, it’s that good boys don’t hit women.

For Zalewski, empowerment is a quiet confidence, and feeling a level of control that builds pleasure from the knowledge that he is fulfilling his partners’ desires. Zalewski, who lives in Toronto’s downtown core, offers relationship and personal coaching for various clients in his spare time, but he doesn’t charge money for it. The women in his life kept asking him for advice on BDSM. He decided he would try his best. In 2016 he created Authentic Connections, to help people overcome their barriers in exchange for a relationship they’ve always wanted. His goal was to have someone open up to him enough about the types of barriers that were preventing his clients and their partners from having the sex life they wanted to have.

“What are your fantasies? What are your desires? What do you want out of your partner or partners?” He would ask them. Once he could get them to admit what they actually wanted, they would work out a plan. Develop themselves, develop their skills to be able to do the things that would help them achieve their goals. Zalewski says a lot of the time, this is the most difficult step for the people he’s met with. It’s hard for people to step outside their comfort zones sometimes, he says, because they’ve been conditioned into associating kink and BDSM with abuse and mental instability.

A person becomes curious in BDSM. They don’t tell their friends. Maybe they’re afraid of being ridiculed or judged. Maybe rejection. But maybe it’s none of those things. Maybe they just want to keep their personal life, personal.

In 2006, the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality published an article that compared BDSM practitioners to published norms on 10 psychological disorders. Compared to the normative samples, those who actively engage in BDSM had lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology and paranoia.

But just because a person likes to be controlled in the bedroom doesn’t necessarily mean those needs translate into the real world and can have dangerous implications for parties involved.

Jen Chan was 16. Her boyfriend was 24. He was her dominant and she was his submissive. “That was generally the dynamic of how our relationship went,” she says. But chipping away at her self-esteem, her boyfriend would pressure her into doing things she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable with, and she would go along with them, afraid of appearing inexperienced and childish to her older boyfriend. While BDSM allows you to play out different scenarios from that of everyday life, she says her first experience with dominance and submission was just an extension of the life she already had.

It’s hard for people to step outside their comfort zones sometimes, he says, because they’ve been conditioned into associating kink and BDSM with abuse and mental instability.

After their relationship ended, Chan says it took her several years until she felt confident enough to engage in BDSM again. Coming out as queer, she says, has also made all the difference. Chan now identifies as a switch, which is someone who enjoys partaking in both dominant and submissive roles, or both topping and bottoming.

“There is something very staged, controlled and intentional about BDSM, at least that’s the way I interact with it,” says Chan, who adds that her empowerment with BDSM lies in feeling like she’s doing something adventurous in an environment of her choice. Feeling satisfied sexually, she says, has made her feel more confident in the real world.

Is what you’re doing safe? Is what you’re doing consensual? Zalewski says risk awareness, the amount of risk a person is comfortable taking in order to attain the pleasure plays a large role in BDSM. From flesh hook suspension to unprotected sex, it’s important to understand the personal level of risk you are comfortable with when it comes to the acts you want to perform.

Chan says that while engaging in BDSM gave her the opportunity to try new things and step into new roles, most importantly, it allowed her to reclaim control, sexually. As a person begins to immerse themselves in BDSM, Chan says, they start to learn more about what makes them comfortable, where their boundaries lie, all while pushing themselves to continually learn new things—and to her, that’s all empowerment really is.

Complete Article HERE!


Hear him moan


The 5 steamiest sites for audio porn

Not all porn has to be visual.

Who says you have to watch porn, anyway? Audio porn has been booming for years on the internet, boasting faster download speeds, better cost efficiency, and more discreet options than “watching” video pornography. Audio porn even predates PornHub, with everything from phone sex to erotica audiobooks to dirty recordings passed around from lover to lover.

And now professional stars and amateur creators are out there creating porn for your ears. So if you’re looking for some audio porn sites to dive into late at night, here are some of the best on the internet.

The best audio porn sites on the internet

1) Aural Honey

For listeners that like a touch of British charm in their audio porn, Aural Honey is sure to delight.

Run by a self-described “English tea addict with a delightfully dirty mind,” Aural Honey focuses on immersive porn that makes the listener feel like they’re really in the scene. Half of the site is dedicated to relatively tame “Sweet Audio.” These are typically girlfriend roleplays about snuggling, cuddling, or romantic nights together as the rain pours down outside the window. But the other half of the site, “Erotic Audio,” features nearly two dozen audio porn recordings that range from kinky submission to Daddy worship. Highlights include “The Whores of Dracula,” in which two dominant vampire sisters—inspired by Bram Stoker’s Dracula—seduce a helpless man. Then there’s “Drenched for Daddy,” perfect for any listener eager for some age play and body worship.

Aural Honey also hosts a Patreon where interested listeners can pledge monthly payments in exchange for rewards. $5 patrons receive exclusive livestreams and early access to the site’s erotica section, whereas $10 patrons can listen to Patreon-only audio porn and request a three-minute custom recording. You can check out the Patreon page for more rewards and additional patron subscription tiers.

‘Drenched for Daddy,’ an audio porn recording focusing on ageplay by performer Aural Honey.

2) r/GoneWildAudio

If there’s one free audio porn site you should keep in your bookmarks, it’s Reddit’s r/GoneWildAudio. The subreddit lets bedroom performers upload audio recordings of themselves in compromising situations, from masturbating to detailing BDSM bondage scenarios. After being verified by the subreddit’s moderators, users can either upload their own recordings from scratch, or take a preexisting script and record it for the subreddit’s listeners. The best thing about r/GoneWildAudio is that it’s entirely community-oriented, so there’s a wide selection to check out that breaks from traditional porn made for straight men.

r/GoneWildAudio is open to submissions from any Reddit user.

There are two ways to search for content on r/GoneWildAudio. For one, the site uses a tagging system noting performers’ genders. For instance, F4M recordings is audio porn developed by women for men. M4A, meanwhile, features porn by men for listeners of any gender. And then there are more complicated tags for specific interests, like MM4F recordings from two men for a woman, and TF4TF tags by a trans woman for another trans woman.

Users can also type in keywords and look for porn through Reddit’s built-in search feature. For instance, many audio recordings dealing with BDSM are tagged “bondage.” Anal sex, rape play scripts, age play, pet play, and other fetishes feature throughout the site too. To get started, check out “My Daughter Is an Idiot for Breaking Up With You… Let Me Help You Feel Better,” where a sweet and affirming mom hooks up with her daughter’s ex in a slowly building scene. And then there’s “Bathroom Sex with a Stranger,” where a girl seduces another woman from behind and tops her in a bar bathroom.

3) YouTube

Surprisingly enough, YouTube is a great stop for softcore audio porn. While the site largely refuses to host video porn in order to maintain a relatively safe-for-work atmosphere, audio recordings aren’t vigorously bullied off the platform. That means there are plenty of adult performers and mature ASMR artists recording the mildest of mild audio porn for listeners to enjoy.

Take a cruise down YouTube’s ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response) section and you’ll find dozens of artists creating audio porn and erotica. Some include intense kissing sessions, like BarbieASMR’s lesbian “Angels Kissing.” And then there are artists like Laila Love, who mixes traditional ASMR play with everything from moaning to roleplaying an ex-girlfriend that kidnaps and binds her lover. These videos are particularly great because they combine audio porn with an accompanying video, acting out sounds and facial expressions to heighten the recording’s immersion.

Then there’s audio porn of the classic variety, posted across the site from various YouTube users. A quick search for “audio porn” or “sexy audio” brings up dozens of videos geared around all sorts of sexual fantasies, from lesbian roleplays to steamy encounters with total strangers. For some of the hottest examples, check out TopSecret Audio, which tackles roleplays ranging from mild dirty talk to full-on erotica. For something sounding a bit more authentic, listen to Down n’ Dirty, a podcast series dedicated entirely to authentic erotica inspired by real life.


4) Tumblr

It’s an open secret that Tumblr is a great place to find porn. And yes, that includes audio porn. The site is filled with performers sharing their dirty moments and sexual fantasies, from masturbating to having sex. In particular, amateur audio porn is pretty popular on the site, and there’s plenty of sexy real-life sex sessions to go around.

On Audible Porn, Tumblr users can submit their own recordings for the blog, featuring anything from solo masturbation sessions to sex with others. Sex and moans are both common themes on the site, along with plenty of boys and (more often than not) girls touching themselves. Some of the top picks include a girl reaching multiple orgasms from masturbation and “Cute boy moans,” where a boy clearly in heat moans and orgasms. There are also several recordings dedicated to car sex, including one where a couple has particularly loud sex with the radio on.

Then there’s Sounds of Pleasure, another submission-based audio porn blog. Users can submit their own solo masturbation sessions, along with dirty talk, sex, and more. The site has a sizable tagging system for browsing, with audio porn excerpts for everything from lesbian porn to dirty accents to jerk off instruction audio posts. To check out the site’s full offerings, take a look through its archive. Sounds of Pleasure updates regularly, too, making it a top pick for any interested audio porn fan on Tumblr.

5) Audible

Amazon’s Audible is, aptly enough, a hidden gem for audio porn recordings of all kinds. While Amazon doesn’t advertise the site’s erotica audiobook library publicly, some of the best finds on the internet are right on Audible—including erotica that puts Fifty Shades of Grey to shame.

The site features stories that range from lesbian erotica to science-fiction-themed pornography. Particular highlights include Orgasmic: Erotica for Women and Fifty Shades of Lewd Erotica, compilation audio porn recordings that feature short stories for that perfect night in. Audible also hosts audiobook erotica series, meaning listeners can literally grab days’ worth of erotica from their Audible subscription. The six-part series The Marketplace, for instance, features 15 hours worth of BDSM smut in just the first book alone.

Signing up with Audible is pretty easy. There’s a 30-day free trial available when you give Audible a debit or credit card number. Once the free trial is over, users can then purchase a recurring Audible membership between multiple plans. There’s one book per month for $14.95 each month, 2 books for $22.95, 12 books for a yearly $149.50 fee, or 24 books all at once for $229.50 per year. Alongside membership plans, Audible users can also buy more credits to pick up additional books per month, which is a great way to keep on listening to audio porn without changing up a subscription.

Complete Article HERE!


The 5 steamiest sites to get your BDSM erotica fix


Screw watching porn. Read it.

Back when the internet first came into existence, watching porn was not a proper thing you could do. That’s because most porn was written. But not to worry—there was still plenty of it to go around. Give people a way to be horny, and they’ll most certainly jump on the opportunity.

So much has changed since those early days before the World Wide Web and even though online videos have boomed in the past two decades, there is still plenty of story-based smut floating around on the internet. That’s good news for BDSM fans. Turns out the internet is filled with erotica detailing everything from light bondage to knife play. Here are some of the best story-based porn sites to check out for kink.

5 best places to read BDSM stories

1) Literotica

As far as online BDSM stories go, Literotica is legendary. Originally founded in 1998, Literotica is a free erotica hub where users from around the world can submit anything from erotic poems to novels. Over the past two decades, the site has made quite the name for itself in the online porn world, as it’s practically synonymous with the term “online erotica.”

Of course that means the site has a huge BDSM short story collection. There’s plenty to check out, from light power plays to hardcore bondage. Plus, because Literotica is centered around cultivating and supporting erotic stories, the site has an enormous catalog of short story series from years past. Expect multi-chapter goodness for those late nights alone.

If you’re a newbie to the site, there are a couple Literotica stories worth checking out: “Bruises on Bruises” is a one-shot story where a submissive woman details her dominant’s erotic brutality on her body. And then there’s “Seven Days of Service,” a seven-part BDSM series mixing business with pleasure between a dominant and his submissive. For more BDSM short stories, check out the site’s top-rated stories of all time in the BDSM tag.

2) Nifty

Gay and lesbian BDSM stories are plentiful on the internet, as long as you’re willing to look for them. And just like Literotica, Nifty remains essential in the LGBTQ community for queer erotica.

Originally launched in 1993, Nifty hosts free stories largely dealing with gay and lesbian sex. That means plenty of bondage, submission, and domination appears on the site. Right on Nifty’s front page, the site is split into four categories: gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender. From there, users can choose erotica based on varying categories, which include “authoritarian” and “bondage” BDSM stories.

Before hopping onto Nifty, though, it’s worth pointing out that some stories feature underage and teenage protagonists. It’s definitely an uncomfortable experience, to say the least. Kinks run the gamut from gay college hookups to bestiality as well, so make sure to check the tags before reading a story. Also, quality varies. Some stories are incredibly well-written, while others are severly lacking.

Still, Nifty is worth checking out if you need a queer erotica fix. Of particular note: One story deals with a trans girl’s slutty diaries, including her relationship with a submissive man who ultimately dominates her in his own way. And then there’s  “Dykes Seduce Pizza Girl,” where two lesbians pleasure a submissive delivery driver. There’s also a “best of” list detailing some of Nifty’s highlights over the years.

3) Tumblr

Love or hate it, Tumblr is well known for being a major porn hub in the BDSM world. And yes, that includes kinky sex stories. The site is filled with them. Blogs throughout the site are dedicated to BDSM erotica, with both one-shots and story series gracing its webpages. For instance, Tumblr user sweetlysubmissive writes BDSM stories featuring plenty of delicious dominant and submissive play. And then there’s Tasks BDSM Community Stories, which features a sizable number of BDSM series ranging from lesbian pet play in college Greek life to a rich, bratty bottom getting her fill.

The best part about Tumblr, though, is the site’s search system. This means that anyone can search for BDSM content without necessarily following another person’s blog. So for someone interested in a specific kink, such as bondage or spanking, simply typing in terms on the site’s search bar can lead to some pretty enticing results. This makes Tumblr not just an endless resource for BDSM literature, but one where there’s always new kinks to explore.

4) r/GoneWildStories

Fictional stories are great, but what about real-life encounters? That’s what r/GoneWildStories is all about.

Unlike r/EroticLiterature, which is dedicated to fictional erotic stories, r/GoneWildStories features real-life sexual exploits detailed for the reader’s entertainment. No unrealistic characters, no stilted dialogue; every single story in the subreddit is (probably) straight from real life. Granted, there’s no way to confirm whether a user’s sexual exploits really happened, but isn’t part of the fun—envisioning every story as true to life?

Like other adult subreddits, r/GoneWildStories uses a tag system to track BDSM posts, and many stories listed on the site aren’t necessarily kinky. Some are just random hook-ups. But the site gets plenty of exciting stories about doms, subs, and bondage for readers to look through, making it worth a bookmark.

For instance, one post details a pet’s first time wearing her collar for her master. Another explores a kinky trans woman’s experience with her first threesome, along with plenty of bondage. As far as real-life kink writing goes, r/GoneWildStories is worth the look.

Who said BDSM stories have to stay written? Reddit’s r/GoneWildAudio is an ocean of free audio stories, created by performers recording straight from their bedrooms.

With r/GoneWildAudio, performers pick from a series of scripts or create their own recordings based on a sexual fantasy. Content varies from vanilla concepts to hardcore BDSM scenes. There’s also plenty of alternative kinks to check out on the site too, like pet play, daddy doms, and forced feminization.

As with r/GoneWildStories, not every recording on the subreddit is BDSM-focused. But the site has an enormous selection to browse through using BDSM-adjacent tags, like “bondage,” “rope,” “domme,” and other terms and phrases. We recommend “Shut Up, I’m Sucking Your Cock,” which features some light domming alongside cock worship and oral sex. And then there’s “This is What Happens to Bad Girls,” where a domme teases another girl, promising to tie her up and spank her.

Complete Article HERE!


A Very Sexy Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Words


Me talk dirty one day.


The vocabulary of BDSM can be intimidating to newcomers (newcummers, heh heh). What is your domme talking about when she tells you to to stop topping from the bottom and take off your Zentai suit for some CBT? What, while we’re at it, is a domme? So, let’s start with the basics: “BDSM” stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism, the core pillars of kinky fun. Beyond that, there’s a whole language to describe the consensual power exchange practices that take place under the BDSM umbrella. At press time there’s still no “kink” on Duolingo, so here’s a handy glossary of some of the most common BDSM terms, from A to Z.

A is for Aftercare
Aftercare is the practice of checking in with one another after a scene (or “play session,” a.k.a., the time in which the BDSM happens) to make sure all parties feel nice and chill about what just went down. The dominant partner may bring the submissive ice for any bruises, but it’s important to know that aftercare involves emotional care as well as physical. BDSM releases endorphins, which can lead to both dominants and submissives experiencing a “drop.” Aftercare can help prevent that. There’s often cuddling and always conversation; kinksters need love too.

B is for Bondage
Bondage is the act of tying one another up. In most cases the dominant partner is restraining the submissive using ropes, handcuffs, Velcro, specialty hooks, clasps, or simply a belt if you’re on a budget.

C is for CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)
In BDSM, CBT does not refer to cognitive behavioral therapy, it refers to “cock and ball torture,” which is exactly what it sounds like: The dominant will bind, whip, or use their high-ass heels to step on their submissive’s cock and balls to consensually torture them.

D is for D/S
D/S refers to dominance and submission, the crux of a BDSM relationship. While kinky people can be on a spectrum (see: “Switch”), typically you’re either dominant or submissive. If you take away one fact from this guide, it should be that even though the dominant partner in D/S relationship may be slapping, name-calling, and spitting on the submissive, BDSM and D/S relationships are all about erotic power exchange, not one person having power over another. The submissive gets to set their boundaries, and everything is pre-negotiated. The submissive likes getting slapped (see also: “Painslut”).

E is for Edgeplay
Edgeplay refers to the risky shit—the more taboo (or baddest bitch, depending on who you’re talking to) end of the spectrum of BDSM activities. Everyone’s definition of edgeplay is a little different, but blood or knife play is a good example. If there’s actually a chance of real physical harm, it’s likely edgeplay. Only get bloody with a partner who knows what they’re doing without a doubt and has been tested for STIs. You don’t have to get maimed to enjoy BDSM.

F is for Fisting
Fisting is when someone sticks their entire fist inside a vagina (or butthole). Yes, it feels good, and no, it won’t “ruin” anything but your desire for vanilla sex. Use lube.

G is for Golden Showers
A golden shower is when you lovingly shower your partner with your piss. It’s high time for the BDSM community reclaimed this word back from Donald Trump, who, may I remind you, allegedly paid sex workers to pee on a bed that Obama slept in out of spite. This is not the same thing as a golden shower. Kink is for smart people.

H is for Hard Limits
Hard limits are sexual acts that are off-limits. Everyone has their own, and you have to discuss these boundaries before any BDSM play. Use it in a sentence: “Please do not pee on me; golden showers are one of my hard limits.”

I is for Impact Play
Impact play refers to any impact on the body, such as spanking, caning, flogging, slapping, etc.

J is for Japanese Bondage
The most well-known type of Japanese bondage is Shibari, in which one partner ties up the other in beautiful and intricate patterns using rope. It’s a method of restraint, but also an art form.

K is for Knife Play
Knife play is, well, knife sex. It’s considered a form of edgeplay (our parents told us not to play with knives for a reason.) If you do play with knives, do it with someone who truly respects you and whom you trust. Often knife play doesn’t actually involve drawing blood, but is done more for the psychological thrill, such as gliding a knife along a partner’s body to induce an adrenaline rush. Call me a prude, but I wouldn’t advise it on a first Tinder date.

L is for Leather
The BDSM community enjoys leather as much as you’d expect. Leather shorts, leather paddles, and leather corsets are popular, although increasingly kinky retailers provide vegan options for their animal-loving geeks.

M is for Masochist
A masochist is someone who gets off on receiving sexual pain.

N is for Needle Play
Also a form of edgeplay (blood!), needle play means using needles on a partner. Hopefully those needles are sterile and surgical grade. Don’t do this with an idiot, please. Most professional dommes have clients who request or are into needle play. It can involve sticking a needle (temporarily) through an erogenous zone such as the nipple or… BACK AWAY NOW IF YOU’RE QUEASY… the shaft of the penis.

O is for Orgasm Denial
You know how sexual anticipation is hot AF? Orgasm denial is next-level sexual anticipation for those who love a throbbing clit or a boner that’s been hard forever just dying to get off—which is to say, almost everyone. The dominant partner will typically bring the submissive close or to the brink of orgasm, then stop. Repeat as necessary.

P is for Painslut
A painslut is a dope-ass submissive who knows what they want, and that’s pain, dammit.

Q is for Queening
Queening is when a woman, a.k.a. the queen you must worship, sits on your face. It’s just a glam name for face-sitting, often used in D/S play. Sometimes the queen will sit on her submissive’s face for like, hours.

R is for RACK
RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, which are the BDSM community guidelines on how to make sure everyone is aware of the dangers they consent to. Another set of guidelines are the “SSC,” which stresses keeping activities “safe, sane, and consensual.” We kinksters want everyone to feel happy and fulfilled, and only experience pain that they desire—without actual harm.

S is for Switch
A switch is someone who enjoys both the dominant and submissive role. Get thee a girl who can do both.

T is for Topping From The Bottom
Topping from the bottom refers to when a bottom (sub) gets bratty and tries to control the scene even though negotiations state they should submit. For example, a submissive male may start yelping at his domme that she’s not making him smell her feet exactly like he wants. It can be pretty annoying. It can also be part of the scene itself, such as if the submissive is roleplaying as a little girl with her daddy (this is called “age play”).

U is for Urination
Urinating means peeing (duh) and aside from pissing on a submissive’s face or in their mouth you can do other cool and consensual things with urine, like fill up an enema and inject it up someone’s butt! I am not a medical doctor.

V is for Vanilla
Vanilla refers to someone (or sex) that is not kinky. It’s okay if you’re vanilla. You’re normal and can still find meaningful love and relationships no matter how much society judges you.

W is for Wartenberg Wheel
A Wartenberg Wheel is a nifty little metal pinwheel that you can run over your partner’s nipples or other erogenous zones. It looks scary, but in a fun way, like the Addams Family. It can be used as part of medical play (doctor fetish) or just for the hell of it. Fun fact: It’s a real-life medical device created by neurologist Robert Wartenberg to test nerve reactions, but kinksters figured out it was good for the sex, too.

Y is for Yes!
BDSM is all about enthusiastic consent. The dominant partner won’t step on their submissive’s head and then shove it into a toilet without a big ole’ “yes, please!”

Z is for Zentai
Zentai is a skintight Japanese body suit typically made of spandex and nylon. It can cover the entire body, including the face. Dance teams or athletes may wear Zentai, but some people get off on the sensation of having their entire body bound in tight fabric, and wear it for kinky reasons.

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