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A budding kinkster’s dilemma

Hey DR

Well, I don’t know where to start, my name is Todd I’m 21 and from Eugene Or. I need to know if feeling the way I do is OK?

Well I’ve had a thing for voyeurism and BDSM for a some time now. I guess it started out by me just liking to push the boundaries of what was the norm, you know like wanting to do it in a movie theater or the park. However, things like that soon stopped giving me the same feeling, so I started to look more into bondage and kink. I liked what I found but at some point I passed what every one else I know thought was OK. Every time I feel like it’s OK to tell a girl what I want they just look at me like WHAT? They all say that they will go along with it, but I can tell that they’re not in to it. I don’t want to make any one feel like that.

I’ve tried to have a normal relationship but no matter how hard I try it just can’t work out, like my ex, she worked so hard to get where I was coming from. Any man would be lucky to find a girl as amazing as her but no matter how much I loved her I felt like I was empty. To her, kink was doing it in the morning; I soon found myself numb and board. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know where to find someone like me.

I hope you can find time to help me DR.
TODD

From what you tell me there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you besides being rather sexually precocious. Most people your age are just finding their way through more traditional expressions of sex. You simply have much more advanced predilections. BDSM sex is indeed an acquired taste and it is often acquired and practiced by people more senior than you. So nothing too out of the ordinary there.

that kinky stuffI suspect that you will continue to be frustrated in your search for like-minded partners in your peer group. And being in a relatively small college town doesn’t help matters all that much either. Your only salvation will be the internet. As you probably know, BDSM sites abound on the web. But before you launch your search for prospective partners, you’d probably do well to learn some of the lingo. There are plenty of resource sites out there that can help you identify who you are and what it is you want. Do a search using keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress, Submissive, etc.

Most kink sites, like FetLife feature bulletin boards and/or member profiles. Once you get your bearings and have a grip on some of the vocabulary, you could set up your own profile. Be as clear and candid about what it is you want as possible. I encourage you to immerse yourself in this subculture, because the more information you have the more enlightened your future partner choices will be.

When connecting with other pervs online, be courteous. You’ll no doubt encounter an array of lifestyle choices and sexual proclivities, some of which may be off-putting to you. Remember, you are a guest in their world. Leave your uptight judgments and provincial attitudes at the door. You’ll have to earn the trust and respect of this community if you ever hope to be taken seriously by them.

You don’t really say what sort of BDSM you are into. Nor do you identify yourself as either a Dom or a sub. But how you identify yourself and what you say about what you are into will, no doubt, color your search for partners and playmates.

I have another resource for you. It’s a communication and relationship-building workshop in book form and it is written specifically for budding kinksters, just like you. The title: The Gospel of Kink; A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For. Gospel of Kink

The Gospel of Kink’s innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.

The Gospel of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.

The Gospel of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.

The Gospel of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.

The Gospel of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.

its_only_kinky_the_first_time_post_card-r8cd39596681e48d4b13fd87f07c01435_vgbaq_8byvr_512In the BDSM world, being a Dom or sub is a state of mind. It isn’t necessarily about a particular sex act, it certainly isn’t a game, it’s not merely role-playing; and for the most part, it is not gender specific. The best Dom/sub relationships are those that express a mutuality of care, concern, and trust.

Finally, I caution you against so easily dismissing your partners when they don’t immediately live up to your expectations. This young woman you mention sounds like she might have been able to rise to the occasion with a little support, encouragement and tutelage. You can’t be throwing the baby out with the bathwater, my friend; that’s just not gonna be helpful. In fact, you might consider inviting someone, this woman perhaps, to read The Gospel of Kink along with you. That way you both could learn together. I can assure you your time will be well spent.

Good luck

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Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

ANOTHER SEXUAL ENRICHMENT TUTORIAL

Beginning Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

The most frequent questions I get are from your average Dick and Jane, (or Dick and Dick, or Jane and Jane) who want to spice up their sex life. Inevitably they describe the kind of sex they’re currently having. And almost universally the description makes this grown man cry. Jeez, the boredom. How do they stand it? It’s a wonder any of them are having any sex at all.

What is it with the humdrum, run of the mill, and the “we’ve always done it that way mentality?” Are ya’ll afraid that if you add a little something new to your sex chore, from time to time, that the sky will fall? Holy cow!

Today’s tutorial is another attempt to motivate you to get off your butts and make something interesting happen in the sex department. We’ll begin with what was once called foreplay.

First off, I hate the word “foreplay” because it suggests that all these really great sex activities are only a lead up to a single “more important” activity — fucking. It also implies that ya’ll can dispense with the one in order to hurry up and get to the other. And that, my friends, is always a huge mistake.

do-not-disturb.jpgFrom now on I want us to banish “foreplay” from our vocabulary. Instead let’s start using “Sex Play.” It says it all, and it makes no suggestion that anything in particular must follow.

I’m of the mind that we’d all be better served if we thought of sex play as a continuum of pleasure and pleasuring — with a beginning, middle and an end. If you ask me, our sex play ought mirror our sexual response cycles — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution. That way we’re less likely to overburden one particular activity at the expense of all the others. Get it? Got it? Good!

Experienced sex fans agree; the best sexual encounters include an extended period of sensual play at the beginning of most sex play. This brings increased pleasure to both partners, and will make whatever else that might follow more satisfying. Just remember, sex play can be a meal in itself.

Sex play brings spice to the encounter because it gets our motors started. Even all you major sex athletes out there who are perpetually primed for sex will benefit from some hearty sex play. It will help cool your jets and make the encounter last longer than a firecracker. And I know that you know what I mean!rose-flogger

In our hectic rush around world, sex play is particularly important. It helps us transition from the daily cares and woes to the realm of sensual pleasures. The workaholics among us need more time to become fully aroused. Their minds are still filled with the junk of the day, and not yet ready to give or receive pleasure. And pleasuring and being pleasured takes a big attitude shift from that of the rest of the day. In fact, if you’re gonna approach sex and pleasuring with the same mindset you have on the job or with the kids, give it up now and be done with it. You’ll only walk away from the encounter disappointed.

Heart PadlockSex play primes us for maximum pleasure. Men will have the time we need to come to full erection and women will have the time they need to properly lubricate. By the way, this is called the arousal stage in our sexual response cycle. But you probably know that already, right?

When we stop thinking of sex play as “foreplay” we realize there is no such thing as spending too much time giving and getting pleasure. If sex play evolves into full-on fucking — SWELL. Both partners will be fully aroused and fucking will flow naturally and effortlessly from the pleasure enjoyed at the beginning of sex play.

Sex play can include everything from chocolate and whipped cream to whips and chains. But let’s not get too far ahead of our selves. Let’s start at the beginning of sex play. Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being helped out of our daily wear and into something sexy or nothing at all can be very arousing. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. We could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living, but there’s more about this in another tutorial — The Big Tease; How to Strip for Someone Special.Kama Sutra Body Souffle

Creating the right sex environment is important too. Make sure the room is warm. Proper lighting and music will surely add to the mood. Scents are also important. More and more people are incorporating erotica into their sex play — reading a sexy story together or enjoying some hot porn will make the encounter memorable.

Most women complain that their partners don’t kiss long enough and rush the kissing to get at their pussy. Guys, what the fuck? You want pussy? Use your mouth to maximum advantage kiss and nibble all over everything. Literally devour your partner with your mouth. Believe me, if you do this right, by the time you get to her pussy she’s gonna want to give it up big time.

Sex play is the perfect time for setting the mood for all that might follow. It’s a time for sharing fantasies, role-playing, dirty talk or some full body massage. Always have some nice lotion available then use your hands, forearms, feet and elbows to knead your partner’s muscles and naughty bits.

GOK small coverCertain areas on the body are more hot-wired than others. It’s your job to find each and every one your partner has. As you massage vary your strokes and touch to stimulate your partner. Roll your fingertips across his or her nipples and behind his or her ears as you kiss him and tease her with your tongue.

If you’re doin things right, your partner will be moaning with pleasure. If she or he starts getting impatient it’s time to bring out the restraints. There’s nothing like some hot erotic bondage to punctuate your sex play.

While your darling is subdued and possibly blindfolded, crank things up a notch. Add different sensations and stimuli, a warm chocolate sauce followed by ice cream. A fur mitt followed by a Loofah. Introduce some sex toys — a vibrator, tit clamps, or an anal stimulator.

Don’t forget to check in with your partner from time to time. Ask for some feedback and direction. Do you like this? Or do you like this better? Never presume to know what your partner likes simply because he or she liked it before, this is a recipe for boredom and the dreaded bed death. If words fail you, SHOW your partner what you want. Then encourage your partner to do the same to younipple_clamps.jpg.

Sex play is not about pressing the right buttons in the right order. It is about understanding what makes your partner tick and supplying and applying those things to their greatest sensual advantage. There are many ways to give your partner extreme pleasure, and it all begins in your brain. Sex play is as much of an art form as it is a necessity.

Finally, the basic premise behind all of this is that a great lover is one that gives pleasure because it is its own reward, not a means to getting something else.

Good luck ya’ll

The Erotic Mind of Stella Harris — Podcast #406 — 02/10/14


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

The delightful literary artist, Stella Harris, is back with us again today for Part 2 of her turn on this The Erotic Mind show.bookstore-2-BW

Besides the great conversation we had last week, Stella read from her work and she like totally steamed up the joint, don’t cha know. With a little luck I think I’ll be able to prevail upon her to cast another smutty spell today. So stick around, it’s gonna be quite the ride.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #405 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Stella and I discuss:

  • Her nom de perversion;
  • Becoming Stella;
  • Writing dirty letters to a lover good practice for writing erotica;
  • Strangers on the internet and local dungeons;
  • Fellow Portland resident, Tonya Jone Miller;
  • Fetishes and turn-ons;
  • Erotica/sex writing/romance/porn;
  • Her inspiration, Shanna Germain;
  • Advice for the novice writer.

 

Stella reads from her work in The Big Book of Orgasms.

Stella invites you to visit her on her beautiful site HERE! Her Facebook page is HERE! And her Twitter feed is HERE!

(Click on the cover art below to discover volumes featuring Stella’s work.)

BigBookofBondageCover kinky sex cover-small Shameless cover Strummed - cover-med SuddenSexCover love burns bright cover OrgasmsCover Calendar cover

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

The Erotic Mind of Stella Harris — Podcast #405 — 02/03/14


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

Do you realize that we haven’t had an edition of The Erotic Mind series since last October? Well it true! And that ain’t right. As you probably know, this is the show where I chat with noted erotic artists, both visual and literary, from all over the freakin’ world. Today we turn our attention to the literary end of the spectrum and we travel to the wilds of Portland, OR to visit with the delightful Stella Harris.

StellaHeadshotRed

Stella is a renowned author. Her prolific output often features lots of edgy kinky stuff. And I’m guessing, if I ask real nice, Stella will read from her work for us. It’ll be perfectly steamy stuff, I guarantee! It’ll be the ideal antidote to this mid-winter’s chill and gloom.

Stella and I discuss:

  • Modeling, Editing, Writing, Consulting, Teaching, and Kink coaching;
  • Literary Pin-Up Calendar;
  • Her nonprofit background;
  • High-heeled purveyor of smut;
  • Writing from the perspective of different genders and sexual identities;
  • The booming fetish and BDSM sub-genre of erotica;
  • Erotica, the gateway to a better sex life.

Stella reads from Strummed.

Stella invites you to visit her on her beautiful site HERE! Her Facebook page is HERE! And her Twitter feed is HERE!

(Click on the cover art below to discover volumes featuring Stella’s work.)

BigBookofBondageCover      kinky sex cover-small      Shameless cover      Strummed - cover-med      SuddenSexCover      love burns bright cover      OrgasmsCover           Calendar cover

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg





Giddyup

It’s Product Review Friday again! This week I have Part 1, of a two part series, aimed at the men folk in our audience. This week’s product, as well as next week’s product, come to us from the ingenious people over at Bodispa.  When they sent us two of their massagers for us to review early last summer, we had no idea what kind of interesting things would soon follow. If you haven’t been keeping tract of the reviews, all meand do! Simply use the search function in the header and type in “Bodispa” and PRESTO. All the products we’ve review will appear.

Dr Dick Review Crew member, Carlos, is here with his thoughts and comments on today’s product.

Tigra 24 capsules —— $29.95

Carlos
Wow! Here we are at the end of 2013 and I’m just getting around to positing my first review of the year. Last time I posted, I was lucky enough to review one of last 2012’s Best Products of the Year. I reviewed the Deuce Male Harness.  This time around I think I have another winner.

Those of you who follow my reviews will know that I disclosed last year that I had prostate cancer and that I had a radical prostatectomy, which removed my prostate gland as well as some of the surrounding tissue. This totally devastated my sex life. Not only did my parts no longer work, I couldn’t get an erection to save my life, but I had no libido either. I mean I was never a sexual maniac or anything, but I always enjoyed sex and thought I was pretty good at it. And I gotta tell ya, not having things work like they should, can be very depressing. I used to take all of this for granted. Not any more.

Over the past 18 months, since my surgery, I’ve been working at regaining a sense of my sexual-self. It’s been a slow process. Mostly it involves masturbation. With the help of a penis pump and a cockring, I’m beginning to enjoy an erection again. This is where today’s product, Tigra, comes in. By the way, this product comes to us from the Bodispa people out of Canada.TIGRA small

Tigra is what we here at the Review Crew lovingly call a boner pill. It’s a safe, all natural herbal erection enhancing formula. Look HERE for a list of ingredients.

Perhaps you are like me; I’ve tried other erection enhancers only to be disappointed or concerned that these products are not what they say they are. But one thing Tigra can say about itself, that no other similar product can claim, is that it is certified by Health Canada.

Tigra is more of a supplement than some kind of a Viagra knockoff. It’s the kind of product that builds up in your system and not one that simply provides a jolt from the blue. One of the reasons I don’t take the pharmaceuticals or their knockoffs is I don’t like all the side effects — headache, that flushed feeling, upset stomach, rise in blood pressure, or altered vision.

The suggested dose for Tigra is one or two capsules daily. I found that one is plenty for me. I did experience an improved erection after a few days on Tigra. But more importantly, I seem to have more of an interest in sex since I started using this product. I’m not anywhere near where I once was before my diagnosis and surgery, but I’ve learned, from working with Dr Dick on this, that I need to stay focused on what’s possible for me now because this is my new normal.

The thing I’m most grateful for, now that I have been using Tigra, is I’ve regained some of my lost confidence. I can’t tell you how important that is to me. So I’m thinking, if this product has made such a big impact on my sex life, with all the problems I’ve been having lately, I’m pretty confident that other guys, with just run of the mill erection concerns, will benefit too. Let’s face it; even if we care for ourselves, eat right, and get lots of exercise, the aging process takes its toll. Tigra might be just the lift, no pun intended, that you need to regain your sexual edge.

At the same time, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. Tigra isn’t some kind of miracle potion, nor is it an aphrodisiac, whatever that is. But it does stimulate blood flow to my genitals, gives me an energy boost, it also stimulates my libido, and all that builds my confidence. Frankly, when you have all that goin for ya, ya don’t need a miracle.
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

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