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Pride Goeth Before The Fall


Name: Jen
Gender: female
Age: 59
Location: North Dakota

I’m a widow and I am so sad. The fellow I’m going with, I really love him, but I can’t have an orgasm with him. I was able to have an orgasm with my husband who is passed away. And I can when I am playing with a toy by myself.

He has such pride and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, because it would take me about a half hour of foreplay to get there.

Thank you for your message, Jen. Your concern about your man and his inability to rock your world is, sadly, a very familiar complaint. I hear it from women all the time.pride

You say that your man is prideful and that you don’t want to hurt his feelings. But are you really willing to sacrifice your sexual wellbeing on that altar? I hope not. Even prideful men can learn something about pleasuring the woman they are with.

Let’s just say that this guy your dating knew how to pleasure all the women he has ever been with previous to you. That pedigree doesn’t make him an expert on pleasuring every other women he will meet, and that includes you.

Allow me to share with you the exchange I had with another woman in your situation. Perhaps my advice to her will be helpful to you. This is from…

Name: Zoe
Gender: female
Age: 25
Location: Boise
I learned how to masturbate when I was 12. From that first time I’ve loved how it makes me feel. No matter how good my lovers are; they never come close to the pleasure I feel when I’m touching myself. I like the intimacy I have with my boyfriend, but he’s not very good in the sack. I’ve been trying to get him to watch me masturbate, or we could masturbate together, so that he’d know how to touch me and make the bells ring. Unfortunately, he’s really straight-laced and he thinks my suggestion is perverted. He resists every time I bring it up. Sometimes after we have sex, I wait for him to fall asleep then get myself off. Is this selfish?


You betcha it’s selfish, selfish as all get-out. Not you, Zoe, but the bonehead you’re fuckin’. This is a classic, “you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” sorta deal. Only here we have a “you can lead the horse’s ass to the mysteries of pussy, but you can’t make him appreciate them.”

I gotta ask, what makes a sexually enlightened chick like you hook up with and stay with bozo like him? Do you actually think that he’s gonna magically come around one fine day and let you lead him to nirvana? I think not. You know why I think this? It’s because you’ve created a monster — an “all I need to worry about is me gettin’ off in my girlfriend’s snatch” kinda monster. And that’s one scary kinda monster.

I am of the mind that it’s fruitless to try to get an obstinate partner, like your guy to do something he doesn’t want to do. The nagging alone will harden his resolve to resist. This does not mean you’ll never get your way. It just means that you have to go about this in a completely different way than, “oh honey, won’t you please cum and watch me jill-off? In the numbskull’s defense, he may be missing the point completely. He may not understand why you want him to watch you pleasure yourself. So if your agenda is to get him to be a better lover, that’s how you’re gonna have to approach the big lug.

First off, he needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, that he’s not the Hercules in the boudoir he thinks he is. This is gonna sting his ego like crazy and it might very well be the end of him and you altogether. But I assure you, risking this is much better than maintaining the status quo. Because, with each passing fuck, he will be more convinced then the fuck before that he’s da man.im_da_man

Once you burst his bubble, you’ll need to immediately inflate a new one for and with him. Us men folk can’t live very long with out our illusions. Begin this inflation process by taking some responsibility for this predicament. Own up to keeping him in the dark about his lack of sexual prowess. Then tell him that there’s a very easy and fun fix for the problem. Maybe if he understands that you want to jill-off for him as a tutorial, he’d be more compliant.

I’d be willing to guess that if you made this presentation more of a game or a role-play scenario then a seminar he’d be more receptive. Why not try something like this. Introduce a blindfold into your sex play. Have him strip down to his jock for you, then blindfold him. It’s gonna be his job to get you off without using the magic wand he has stuck in his jock. The blindfold will necessitate that he use his hands (and mouth) to find and pleasure you. While you tease his dick inside his jock guide his hands to your pussy. He’ll no doubt be fumbling around at first, so you’ll have to encourage him with some dirty talk, or actually use his hand to jill yourself off. Just remember keep it fun and playful and keep his dick safely tucked away.

You can see how this little exercise could be educational for him without being emasculating. Once he figures out that there’s more to sex than the old in and out, he might actually cum around, so to speak. Similarly, you might, on another occasion, submit to the blindfold yourself and have him use your hand to jack himself off. In time, you be able to do away with the blindfold altogether. But then, you might want to introduce restraints of some sort. While he’s buck naked and restrained put on a hot and horny show for him. Tease him with your self-pleasuring, but don’t let him touch you. Maybe rub yourself with his stiff cock. Since he’ll be unable to resist, it will be like masturbating with his pecker. Doesn’t that sound like a load of fun for all concerned?

Good luck

The Yin and Yang of Desire

Today I’d like to talk about: The Yin and Yang of Desire — Dopamine, Prolactin and Testosterone.

Let’s talk about love, lust and desire. But instead of looking at these things as social phenomena, let’s look at the chemical reactions going on inside our bodies that make us feel and behave the way we do.

sex-on-the-brainThere are clear links between certain chemicals and our most basic drives, which explains, for example, why we feel horny one moment and utterly disinterested the next. Or why our sex drive peaks after exercise. At the core of our sexual and affectional interests and behaviors lie the two chemicals — dopamine and prolactin. In many ways they are complimentary to one another; dopamine turns on desire and prolactin turns it off.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter. This is basically your body’s pleasure and reward system. Our brains releases dopamine, to one degree or another, when we see, read or think about something sexy, taste something sweet, puff a cigarette, or come into skin-to-skin contact with another person. When dopamine levels are high, our libido goes into overdrive. Sometimes levels can be so dramatic that a person will neglect other essential bodily functions like eating and sleeping. Some “street” drugs —meth and coke among them — can mimic the body into thinking it’s dealing with dopamine.

Dopamine is critical to the way the brain controls our movements. If there’s not enough dopamine, we can’t move, or control our movements. If there’s too much dopamine, we are plagued with repetitive moments like jerking, tapping and twitching.

Get this; novel situations can increase dopamine releases. For example, hooking up with someone for the first time triggers especially high levels of dopamine. Curiously enough, these same high levels will not occur again during subsequent hookups with that same person. This is called the one-night-stand phenomenon; it’s why you can be attracted to someone at first encounter but not afterward.hormones and the brain

However, falling in love with someone can sustain high dopamine levels for a longer period of time. This explains why physical infatuation is at its peak in the beginning months of a relationship. Also dopamine floods the brain when we get drunk or take certain drugs, which is why drinking alcohol can make a potential partner look more attractive.

Prolactin is dopamine’s foil. It causes dopamine levels to plummet. Prolactin is a hormone, as opposed to a neurotransmitter, like dopamine. It floods the body during orgasm, virtually shutting down the sex drive, which is nature’s way of allowing us to attend to other essential bodily functions like eating and sleeping. Prolactin release in men will temporarily disable our ability to have an erection. This is called the refractory or recovery phase of our sexual response cycle. And prolactin is at least partially responsible for that happy, relaxed state after we cum. This is precisely the release women get while breastfeeding; in fact, the word “pro-lactin” directly indicates its role in milk production.

growing larger and largerProlactin primes the mind for long-term attachment — a role that helps the mother bond with her suckling child as well as lovers to each other. This means that if you stick around cuddling with your partner right after sex, you may actually start to like him/her more and more. This is called the pair-bonding effect. But prolactin’s dopamine-reducing action has a darker side. It cancels the tolerance you may have for your partner’s flaws.

While dopamine and prolactin are good indicators of the immediate workings of sexual pursuit, it is testosterone that best explains long-term changes in courtship. Testosterone is responsible for the masculinization of the adolescent male body during puberty. And it increases the dopamine levels that regulate our sex drive. But testosterone leaves its fingerprint on the body as much as the brain. It’s the catalyst for changes in skin tone, fat distribution, musculature and demeanor, which are signals to others that this individual male is sexually mature and in good health.

However, if you get a fever or become depressed, your testosterone levels can drop significantly. Malnutrition or high levels of anxiety or stress will also interfere with testosterone levels. The most immediate effect of this is a decrease in libido, and a noticeable drop-off in energy levels as well as confidence. There’s no doubt about it; testosterone levels will signal to potential mates that you are in the throws of depression, stress, anxiety or malnutrition. You will appear a little less attractive to people subconsciously. That’s why a confident, dominant male with high-testosterone levels generally enjoy more mating success.tits

Testosterone levels are highest in the morning, then wanes throughout the day. It’s also much higher in men in autumn and lowest in the spring.

However, sexual desire is still more complicated than is known to science, and there may be multiple archetypes of partners we’re drawn to — there is evidence that aggressive high-testosterone men appear sexier to women and gay men for a one-night stand. But softer, more sensitive balanced men are more likely to tug at our heartstrings in a relationship. Scientists reason that the bulkier mate is more likely to be physically powerful and carry good genes to create strong children. While the slimmer guy is a more loving, reliable partner likely to help raise the kids so they survive to adulthood. The effect of this strange contradiction seems to be a biological predisposition against monogamy and sexual exclusivity.

But none of this is carved in stone. A man’s hormone’s levels increase when he is in a competitive environment or carries out acts of aggression, which can explain how guys seem to bulk up quickly when they go to prison or join sports teams. These levels decrease when he feels intimidated or humiliated, which might explain why those who get picked on at school stay skinny and mild-mannered compared to their peers. This in turn made them easier targets and only increased the likelihood of them being bullied.

butt shakeThis is not uncommon behavior among primate colonies that have huge alpha males looming over a population of smaller, submissive males and females. While this is not a perfect parallel to human social groups, it does go a long way in explaining how a social environment can be a precursor to physical body changes. And just so you know, our testosterone levels also drop during long-term relationships, giving the male brain a sense of stability and mellowness, easing off the drive to forage for new sexual partners.

Science alone lacks a moral element, and fails to explain, in a modern context, why we should desire to be masculine, aggressive, potent or dominant in the first place. In nature, the alpha-male is the most likely to enjoy reproductive success, but that isn’t what gives our lives value today. We might have more success being an average male that falls in love and becomes a good provider. And in the modern world it’s probably the more stable and sensitive man who is most likely to sire children.

Still, science gives important clues to what’s going on in our minds and bodies and that of our potential partners. A lot of our basic inclinations are out of our control, but when we know what causes them or what to expect, we can work with them for the best outcome.

Mean Girl

Name: Fay
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: LA
I met this guy on the Internet and he seemed nice and all, but I wasn’t that turned on to him. All I remember is he was pretty nerdy and had really sweaty palms. We went out a couple of time, nothing serious. He just wasn’t my type. So I stopped responding to his calls. Last week I was out at this club with some friends and I saw Mr. Nerdy with this other chic. And I was like, wait a minute, that skank’s hornin’ in on my stuff! I know I wasn’t returning his calls, but still, I saw him first. It was like totally freaky, how they were all kissy-kissy right there in everyone’s face. What should I do?

mean girl

Seriously? What should you do? How about getting a life your vacuous twit? And I mean that in the nicest sort of way.

If you could just pull your head out of your ass for a minute and listen to yourself, your misguided notions about dating and your fundamental lack of respect for the feelings of others would surly grate on you as much as it does me. Your chatter is like fingernails on a blackboard. I mean REALLY!

Think about what you are suggesting here. You’re gettin’ all territorial about some guy you could barely bring yourself to give the time of day to and then blew off like he was excess baggage. You didn’t bother to take the time to look beyond his nerdy-ness and his sweaty palms, like this other woman have done. Had you, you might have discovered what this other “skank”, as you so lovingly refer to her, has found.

Like most nerds, this guy probably has developed other means of making himself attractive and interesting to compensate for his nerdy-ness. Maybe he’s got a big dick, or he’s great in the sack. Maybe he got a big bank account or maybe he simply has a handle on the basic social graces, something that you, my dear Fay, have yet to grasp.

Your jealousy is neither cute nor charming. It does, however, mark you as self-centered and childish. For the most part, jealousy is a byproduct of a person’s lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Here’s a tip. Try and develop a healthier sense of self, so that you can mature into someone who can interact with others in a respectful manner that is befitting other human beings.

Oh, and have a nice day! Sheesh.

New Mommy Woes

Name: Megan
Gender: Female
Age: 29
Location: Toronto
I’m a new mother and this is my first child. He was born 3 weeks ago, but I am still enthralled with the miracle of it all. So far motherhood has been pretty wonderful. Sure I’m tired, but just holding my son in my arms makes me so happy I sometime cry with the joy. There is a problem, however, my husband wants to resume our sex life, but I have absolutely no interest. I love him dearly and I know I owe him this, but I have no libido. What can I do?

Yep, this is common enough complaint. This is precisely the place where new parents experience the most strain on their relationship. And when you think about it, it’s not all that surprising. Most new mothers are exhausted by the expectations of motherhood. And first babies are the most challenging. Added to these burdens her partner eagerly awaits the resumption of the sort of sex life that was in place before the pregnancy. New mothers often feel like their husband is just one more person to service, one more person with needs and demands that are keeping her from much-needed sleep.

New Mother LoveNew mothers can find sex unappealing for reasons both physical and emotional. If you’re breastfeeding, your breasts are sore, heavy, and leaky. Your body just doesn’t feel sexy, with its stretch marks, cellulite, dark nipples and dark line down the abdomen, not to mention the weight gain and varicose veins. Then there is lochia, the discharge after the birth, which lasts for 3 to 4 weeks and does not smell very good. If you had an episiotomy, the stitches are very uncomfortable and you may worry about infection. Your hormones may still be in a state of flux, so you feel moody or depressed. And you may not have a good method of birth control, so sex is the last thing on your mind!

Some doctors recommend that new mothers refrain from sex until their first post partum examination, usually about 6 weeks after the birth.NewMother

So if you and your husband weren’t warned about all this, you’re probably both totally unprepared. And if you can’t talk about it, there will be trouble ahead. Many new fathers labor under the misconception that once the baby is born, their sex life will return to normal. Besides this being completely unrealistic; it mostly puts pressure on the wife to do, as you suggest, her ”duty”. This is no way to pursue a sex life together.

Of course, new fathers can help their partner move beyond those feelings of sexual disinterest by being an involved parent and helping around the house.

There are loads of sex things new mothers can do that will pleasure their partner that don’t involve full-on fucking. Hand jobs and blowjobs are always welcome. Reading erotica aloud to each other can be fun. Mutual masturbation, or even watching him and cheering him on as he squeezes one out is also an option. But probably the thing that will get your libido back is a lot of touching, massaging, hugging, kissing, and snuggling and not as a prelude to sex, but just for the joy of it. These things, without the pressure to perform will help reestablish the pair-bond between you and your old man, which will inevitably lead to the long awaited fuckfest.

Good luck

The Great Porn War

Name: Jennifer
Gender: Female
Age: 23
I am 23 years old and I like lesbian and gay porn. It’s been my favorite since I discovered it a few years ago. But my boyfriend hates the thought of people of the same gender having sex. I don’t like hetero porn, and that’s all he uses. Is there any way I can get him to enjoy my kind of erotica?

porn.jpgYour boyfriend a dreadful drag, huh? What’s he afraid of, do you suppose? Ya think he’s afraid he’ll pop wood while he’s watchin’ gay porn with his girlfriend. That’ll surly to shake his masculinity to its foundation. I mean, it’s one thing for him to get a boner when he’s checking out the queer stuff by himself — and you know he does! It’s another thing all together for him to get hard watching two dudes fuck while he’s with you. It’s clear to me that your BF has issues, darling. And I think you know that too.

Now I’m not suggesting that he has to like everything you like, or that you have to like everything he likes. A couple can have a really healthy relationship despite differences in the kind of smut each prefers. But matters of taste aside, I think a smart chick, like you, knows that porn is as much a political statement as it is a sexual statement.

Here’s what I mean. Most straight porn features male identified sex — exclusively. That’s probably why you, and 90% of your sister women, don’t like it. The producers of most of the stuff in this genre create it with a predominately straight male audience in mind. And you can pretty much count on it exploiting women in the process. Gay porn does not exploit women, for obvious reasons and lesbian porn is the most radical of all. It is unabashed female identified sex. No female exploitation there. Of course, I’m talkin’ about real lesbian porn, not the caca that simulates girl-on-girl sex that gluts the “straight” porn marketplace.

Most straight males get off on hot girl-on-girl action in straight porn, because the performance represents male identified sex. In fact, one of my good gal pals in the porn business often says that girl-on-girl sex in straight smut is about as far away from authentic female sexuality as gay porn, which has no women in it. i just can't

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, Jen and guess that you’re a little too radical for Mr. Whitebread. But if you think that he’s worth the effort involved in loosening him up, start by reassuring him that there will always be a place in your heart for his johnson even when you’re enjoying a sweet lesbo fantasy. If you really want to enjoy yourself with your guy while you enjoy your dyke porn, give him permission to do a voice over for the movie you’re watching together. Tell him you want him to pretend he’s a porn star and he’s gonna appear in the next scene with the two chicks you’re watching. Watch the lezzie scene together and then have him tell you what’s gonna happen in the next scene when he catches the two naughty vixens. Perhaps you could suggest that he roll play that with you after the movie. Ya see, Jen, you’re gonna have to trick the monkey into watching what you want, cuz he ain’t gonna open his mind all by his-own-self.

Deprogramming him of his homophobia may be a bit more challenging, but there are ways. You could start by telling him that everyone knows that no one sucks a guy’s dick like another guy. And so you want to pick up a few pointers from the pros before you go down on him again. When the big cock-sucking scene begins start grabbing at his package. We all know he’s gonna be hard as a rock. Those repressed types are so damned predictable. Now if at all possible start blowin’ him with the same vigor as the dudes in the movie. Blowjobs are the great equalizer. Mr. Whitebread will be enjoying himself so much he’ll hardly have time to reflect on how radical he’s becoming.

lesbian pronIn the end, I don’t think you should compromise and watch hetero porn unless he’s willing to compromise too. Of course you both could watch your chosen porn privately, but where’s the fun in that. Or you could just trade-off one scene of his for one scene of yours. Or compromise with some hot bisexual porn. There’s not a whole lot of really good bi porn out there, but there is some. Just be discriminating. Life is just too short for bad smut.

You could try dueling porn. Two screens, two TVs or a TV and a computer screen, each playing a different type of porn. Or you could really throw caution to the wind and have a full-blown fuck-O-rama — multiple screens with multiple images all going at once. It’s so easy to do these days with the proliferation of computers tablets, phones even, and online porn. And just about every household has at least two TVs and two computers lying around. So knock yourself out, girl!

It’s clear to me, Jen, that you’re gonna have to take the lead in this. You being the more enlightened one. I believe that your arousal will arouse him. And if your fire doesn’t ignite his, simply throw the bum out!

Good luck Ya’ll

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