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Mellow With Age

Name: Bob
Gender: Male
Age: 54
Location: Laguna Beach
As an older man, I’ve started having performance problems. Unfortunately there’s no decrease in my libido. I think some of my problem is psychological. I’m also HIV+. And I find myself worrying about transmission even with condoms. But some of the problem is physical. I do wear a cockring and that helps I guess. Is there anything else I can do to increase my performance to match my libido?

Thanks for your comment and question. Your concern is a familiar one. Men regularly present this problem in my private practice and I also have a personal familiarity with the issue in my own life.

Diminished performance, at least in terms of a perpetually stiff dick, is a natural occurrence as we age. There was a time when I thought this was a major problem. I don’t think like that now. These days I’m helping my older clients (and myself) appreciate the full range of sensuality that is the unique purview of us more seasoned lovers. I’ve always felt that as gay men we are too genitally focused, especially when it comes at the expense of all the other pleasure zones our bodies have been gifted with.Kedori - Eileen Gray Bibendum Armchair

The rushed, hormonally driven sex of my youth has matured into a slower, more relaxed and sensual sexuality that I am thoroughly enjoying. This has been one of the very best gifts of the aging process. It’s even having an effect on my younger partners and they are appreciative.

So I no longer equate performance with a stiff dick. For those times when I absolutely need a rock-hard hardon a cock ring does just fine. I’m aware that I may need more time to achieve this kind of erection, but I’m not just twiddling my thumbs while I’m waiting, if ya know what I mean. I am no longer frustrated by this natural phenomenon, because I no longer have unrealistic expectations.

I realize that many men are using with an erection-enhancing medication such as Viagra, but I suggest that this be reserved for those who are truly experiencing erection dysfunction.

I’m also concerned with the alarming rise of younger men, men in their 20’s and 30’s who are using Viagra or another similar drugs recreationally. This is very troubling. If your young body is having difficulty producing an erection, then you need medical attention ASAP, or maybe you just need some sleep. However, if you’re abusing Viagra just so you can have an erection that lasts for hours that’s a real bad idea for several reasons. Not least of which is your body will habituate itself to that stuff and you will find that, in time, you won’t be able to get it up at all without ever increasing doses of Viagra.

viagra cartoonThis is gonna fuck up your cardiovascular system big time. In fact, you may very well be inducing the very sexual dysfunction the drug is supposed to help. Consider the person who overuses eye drops or lip balm or any number of otherwise innocuous health and beauty products. Their body will stop making the natural substances that these over the counter products are intended to assist. It’s counterproductive and it’s ill advised. If this is a problem with relatively harmless over the counter products, you know you are playing with fire when you’re abusing powerful prescription meds.

Whoops, sorry Bob, I went off topic there for a minute. It’s just that every opportunity I get to put out a message that will dissuade someone from hurting one’s self, I just launch into it.

So back to you. It is clear from what you tell me, your performance problems do, as you suggest, also have a psychological component to it. You have a fear that, despite being responsible in your sex play and even though you play safe, you could accidentally pass on HIV.

It’s true; one’s brain can indeed override almost every function of our body. For example, we draw each and every breath we take without even thinking about it. However, if a situation dictates our brain can and does override that essential pulmonary function and we can hold our breath. The same is true with our sexual response cycle. Sometimes we can become sexually aroused without really thinking about it. However, if for one reason or another our brain assisted by our conscience interferes with or even shuts down the sexual arousal, that’s pretty much, all she wrote.

Your scruples about the possibility that you could accidentally pass along HIV are interfering with your sexual response cycle. No cockring or an erection-enhancing medication is going to change that darlin’!

In other words, the problem is not in your cock, the problem is in your head. This is something you’re gonna have to wrestle with and finally resolve. This tension between your head and your dick is actually a good thing. Your body is providing you an opportunity to align your moral values with your sexual performance. How will this resolve itself? I couldn’t say. But I know for sure resolution is possible.

I do suggest, however, that you not try to do this in a vacuum. Reach out to a HIV support group or a sex-positive therapist for the help you need in making peace between your head and your cock.

Good luck

The Yin and Yang

Hey sex fans!

It’s Product Review Friday! This week we feature yet another product from the creative minds at Zini.  I sure hope you are following these reviews because we’ve been thrilled by what has come our way so far. You can find all our reviews by going to drdicksextoyreviews.com, use the search function in the sidebar and type in “Zini.” Today we have a toy designed for couples. Alas, while I see this product offered on several online sites, I don’t see it available here in the good ol’ US of A, in fact, no where in North America. What a pity!

Here are Dr Dick Review Crew members, Ken & Denise, to tell us what’s on their mind.

Zini Duex —— $100+

Ken & Denise
Ken: “We have a great, new, award-winning product to tell you about today, but Denise and I are totally bummed that, despite our great review, only she and I have one, And you, if you live here in the United States, won’t be able to find one here.”zini-deux
Denise: “That’s right, I feel bad about telling you how much we liked the Zini Duex because it’s like…how does that old saying go…counting your money in front of the poor. That’s just cruel. Well maybe our review will help get the Zini line available, at least online, here in North America.”
Ken: “This is what we can tell you about the Zini Duex. It’s actually two vibes. The brilliant couple-oriented design invites playfulness and experimentation. And when I say couple, I don’t mean simply a male/female couple. And it is just as effective for solo play too. The super lightweight egg shape comes apart to offer two contoured Yin/Yang vibes. Magnets hold the egg together.”
Denise: “I found that the Zini Duex is best as part of foreplay, mainly because, as Ken just mentioned, it’s super playful. And isn’t that what is often missing in foreplay? I also love that it is rechargeable. Both of the Yin/Yang vibes recharge via a port on its bottom. A plastic plug covers the recharge port. But the plug does not create a waterproof seal, so sadly we couldn’t play with the Zini Duex in the bath. Oh, and there’s only one recharge cord per unit, which means you have to recharge each half of the egg separately. It’s no big deal, but it means twice the recharge time.”zini-deux-293x300
Ken: “The Zini Duex is made of ABS plastic, which is latex-free, nonporous, and phthalate-free. There’s a hard shell with a velvety inside. The ergonomic shape of each half of the egg fit beautifully in your hand and against your body cupping and cradling. A two-hour charge delivers four hours of pleasure. The indicator lights in both control panels alight when charging, changing color to indicate a full charge. The three-button controller is easy to use; there are five speeds and five vibration modes.”
Denise: “The vibrations are tingly and not particularly powerful. But then again, as I already mentioned, it’s best used to get yourself and your partner warmed up.”
Ken: “The convex (female) half of the toy has a sculptured bump designed to stimulate her clit, and carry the vibrations carry down the flared wings to stimulate her labia. The concave (male) half of the toy is designed to cup his balls while the pointy end stimulates his taint (perineum) or cockhead. But don’t stop there.  Think of all the other erogenous zones on your, or your partner’s body.”
Denise: “While you can’t submerge Zini Duex for cleaning, mild soap and warm water with a lint-free towel does just fine for everyday cleaning. But you can also wipe it down with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution to sanitize.”en_deux_01_02
Ken: “I generally leave the discussion of the packaging to Denise, but I want to weigh in on this packaging. That’s because it’s so cool. It comes in an elegantly designed gift box. The vibe sits proudly under a plastic shield. The top of the box swings out from the base revealing the charger, user manual and chic drawstring storage/travel pouch.”
Denise: “It is a beautiful presentation, I must say. Apparently, this is signature Zini because everyone else on the Review Crew is making similar comments. And speaking of travel pouch, the Zini Duex is designed with a travel lock.”
Ken: “A word or two about the three button control panel. There’s a +, -, and O button. Press the + button to turn the toy on and escalate the vibrations, the – button reduces the intensity of the vibration, and O button changes the pulsation pattern. Getting the hang of the Zini Duex and putting it through its paces is part of the fun. And get this; if you place your half of the toy near your partner’s half, both halves pulsate to the same rhythm even if only one side was activated.”
Denise: “I found that if I used a couple of drops of lubricant on the velvety inside it made the Zini Duex slide more comfortably over my body. We used both water-based and silicone-based lube. My favorite is the silicone based.”
Ken: “We’re both super stoked about the Zini Duex. Everything about it — design, packaging, and performance impressed us. We both highly recommend it to you. It would make a great holiday gift too.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

Name: Jake
Gender: Male
Age: 16
Location: NM
Can u get more guys to tell about mutual masturbation stories? And how I can get my friends (both straight) to do it with me?

OK, I’ll ask my audience to send us stories about their mutual masturbation experiences.wanking

Hey guys, and guys and gals, here’s what I want you to do. Send me stories about your mutual masturbation experiences. You can post your stories in the comments section of this posting, or use the Got A Sex Question form in the sidebar to the right. If we get some good ones, I’ll put them up on my site.

As to asking your straight friends to jerk-off with you, well, that’s another issue all together. Most young men won’t even acknowledge that they pull their pud. Most ostensibly straight men wouldn’t consider choking the chicken in front of a gay guy, or even with a gay guy, because they think that’s…well gay. Maybe your friends are more open-minded about such things, but I won’t hold my breath.

However, if you think there is a chance they’d consider such a thing. Why not just come out and ask. “Hey guys, I’m hosting a circle jerk at my house on Wednesday afternoon after school. If you’re lookin for a good time all you have to do is show up, drop trou and spring a boner. We’ll all be handing our own meat, so it’s just for the ritual. Prizes for the biggest load and the guy who shoots the furthest.”

See, if ya make it a sport; they may cum.

Here’s a curious exchange I had with a fellow named Dennis.

Hi, thanks for taking the time to answer me. My new girlfriend is 49, sexually active, but has never given oral sex to a male. She was married 6 years to a man who had sex with her. He liked to dress in women’s heels and clothing but never asked his wife for oral sex. They had sex and he gave her oral. Could there be a reason why he didn’t ask for oral for himself? Could he have been cheating with men to get what the wife did not do?Submissive-Crossdressing

Thank you very much; I’m very concerned. Also my girlfriend has never jerked a man off including her husband. I’m concerned why is this? Dennis

Can’t see why you’re concerned at all, Dennis. Some men, your GF’s former husband for example, aren’t all that interested in getting a blowjob or even a hand job. He probably was a submissive and was way more interested crossdressing and pleasuring his wife than getting pleasured (blowjob or hand job) himself.

There’s no reason to think he cheated on his wife with other men either. He’s just a sub. Not a particularly difficult concept to grasp, right?

Then Dennis writes back to say: I’m concerned because I’m having trouble with her touching me and giving me oral sex. Is this normal? I’ve never encountered this. Thanks Dennis

Maybe, just maybe, she just doesn’t want to blow you. Maybe she doesn’t like the whole idea. Lots of women don’t like giving BJs. And you pestering her for something she’s not interested in doling out, is only gonna make matters worse.

Have you talked to her about it? If not, that’s the way to go.

I don’t think I have anything more to offer you besides the suggestion that you and your GF might want to consult a sex therapist. You might find that there are a lot of things that you and she need to understand about one another before you invest too much more into this relationship.

Good luck

Happy Halloween!

pumpkinAss

Pumpkins4Sale150_sample

happy halloween

You want me to do WHAT?

First Name: Beth
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Location: New Jersey
Your question or comment: My husband and I have swung in the past and have had an open marriage for a short time about 5 or 6 years ago. We have, for the most part, been monogamous for the past few years. He now tells me that the only thing that will make him interested in having sex with me is if I find men to have sex with and send him pics of myself in the act with other men. I have no desire to do this but am considering doing it if it will help my sex life with him. I have read about Candaulism (a sexual practice or fantasy in which a man exposes his female partner, or images of her, to other people for their voyeuristic pleasure) and am beginning to think he may be a latent homosexual or bisexual and trying to fulfill his desire to be with a man by living vicariously threw me. He says that the torment of knowing that I am with another man is exciting to him and I don’t understand how that can be a healthy thing for him. I am desperate for guidance in this area. Your thoughts??

Well then, Beth, things are gonna get very interesting in your life real soon, huh?

2477075029_d8e7e288c4Before I get to answering your query, let me ask you some questions. You say you and the hubby used to be swingers and even had an open marriage for a while some years ago. Why, after all that nontraditional relationship stuff, did ya’ll go back to sexual exclusivity? Did you both agree to go back to the straight and narrow, or did one of you decide for the both of you? This is an important point. If one of you decided for the both of you, the one tagging along with the decision may not have been totally on board from the get go. And when that happens, what looks like domestic tranquility is actually nothing of the sort.

It appears to me that your marriage has somewhat of a cyclical pattern to it. You guys have vanilla periods and kinky periods. Would that be an accurate representation of the dynamics? If so, let me ask a few more questions. Who or what determines the swing, you’ll pardon the pun, from vanilla to kink? Is it a boredom thing? And who determines the swing back to vanilla? And does that have anything to do with fear and jealousy? Do you guys discuss the transition before hand? Or is the migration from vanilla to kink and back again more of a follow-the-leader sort of thing? And who leads whom into kink? And does the same person lead out of kink back to vanilla? These questions are all very important and I would want to know the answers before I suggest a path forward.Candaulism

Now I know you are not here to answer my outstanding questions, so that means I need to punt. From what you tell me, I discern that the hubby is in need of a little spice. And maybe he is the one who traditionally leads the marriage out of vanilla into kink. You appear to be resisting this migration for whatever reason. Maybe that’s your traditional role in the marriage. I’m also guessing that you guys don’t talk things through before a momentous change is in the offing, but ya should. A lot of the heartache and misdirection could be avoided if you did.

I also think your husband is not veering into particularly dangerous or uncharted waters with his Candaulism. Seems to me you’ve been there already, at least in spirit, with your periods of swinging and open relationship. It also occurs to me that your hubby has a big fat cuckold fetish that he is trying to itch. And in terms of fetishes, this is a relatively harmless one, especially if everyone involved is on board for the fun and games. Check out my How To Video Library for some swell movies on that theme.

mr-honmaIs his cuckold fetish latent homosexuality? What a funny question to ask considering your relationship history. Isn’t it more likely that he might have a bisexual streak? And the fact that you are puzzled by all of this suggests, at least to me, that you guys don’t know each other very well. And that’s astonishing considering what you’ve been through together.

What I’m getting at though all of this is, if you want to restore some balance and harmony to your marriage, the answer is not simply hanging out at the vanilla end of relationship spectrum because it’s comfortable and safe. At least not until there is consensus on the part of both you and your husband. The big mistake many couples make is to assume that if one person is along for the ride, just to make peace, there is consensus. That’s not consensus; that’s conciliation.

Again, because you guys aren’t here to discuss this stuff with me, but I’d still like to help, let me turn you on to an exercises that will facilitate the open and honest discussion you need to have with your man and he with you. What follows comes from a workshop I developed called; The Gospel of Kink. I’ve also conveniently packaged this workshop into a workbook with the same title. You can find the book HERE!

GOK small cover

Both the workshop and book are designed to help people, like you and your husband, develop the skills they need to effectively communicate with one another and improve their problem solving skills. The workshop and book, as the title suggests, are specifically geared toward folks in kinky, BDSM, and alt-culture relationships, but even vanilla couples will find what I present very helpful.

Even the strongest relationships go through periods of distress and turmoil. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and personal foibles can cause contention and conflict. So let’s see if we can come up with some practical tools and techniques to 1) handle common alt relationship related issues, and 2) successfully navigate our relationship conflicts.

EXERCISE 2 — Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts

Begin by jotting down a half dozen or so key words or phrases that identify the issues and problems you’ve encountered in your alt relationships. And then see if you can come up with a list of a half dozen or so key words or phrases that suggest possible solutions to those issues and problems.

Once both of you have completed your lists you’ll need to set up a time for a formal discussion of those lists. With a little luck, this exercise will help you identify the stumbling blocks that both of you see and help you develop a strategy to overcome them.

Of course all of this will depend on how well you listen to and absorb the message coming from your partner. Need help with that too? Never fear, The Gospel of Kink has exercises for that as well.

Good luck

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