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Play With It Welcomes Carol Queen — Podcast #267 — 03/09/11

Hey, hey sex fans! Welcome back.

My friend and colleague, Carol Queen, sexologist, writer, educator and activist is back with us today. This is Part 2 of her appearance for both the SEX WISDOM and the Play With It series. There’s way more interesting chat coming your way as soon as I finish these announcements.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of this delectable conversation, which appeared here last week at this time, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #266 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Carol and I discuss:

  • Sex toys and couple play;
  • Alt-porn, reshaping the porn industry;
  • The enrichment value of sexually explicit material;
  • Her history and current involvement in the industry;
  • X-ed porn;
  • Media literacy and watching porn;
  • Our professional peers who denigrate sexually explicit materials;
  • Sex addiction and what’s wrong with that concept;
  • Her inspirations and her sexual heroes.

Carol invites you to visit her on her site HERE! She has a monthly column in the Good Vibrations Magazine HERE! She’s on Facebook HERE! And enjoy her twitter feed HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Adult Sex Toys .com.

SEX TOYS

The Dark Heart of Homophobia

No podcast today, but there is this…

I’m riding the bus when we come to a stop near a local high school. Five teenage boys get on. They’re all jocks—football, probably. Their jackets are emblazoned with varsity letters and they appear to be fresh from practice. Each carries an oversized duffel.

They are boisterous and full of menacing bravado. The bus is immediately overwhelmed with a rush of testosterone. As they move toward the back of the bus, they purposely jostle everyone in their path. They’re rude and crude and every other word is fuck.

The bus lurches forward, and my fellow passengers instinctively know not to make eye contact. The older women clutch their belongings tight to their bosom. Everyone is tense.

The pack mentality emboldens the young men, who are flush with their newly discovered sense of male privilege. Hormones rage in their adolescent bodies, yet there is an awkward childishness about them too. They are alpha, but only in as much as they are part of a pack.

They have off-color comments for everyone around them. Girls are singled out for the most abuse. They make insinuations about their sexual prowess, while pawing at their groins. The women blush with embarrassment.

Despite being loud, obnoxious and brutish, they lack conviction. They giggle too much, indicating self-consciousness. It’s apparent that, at their core, they are still very uneasy about themselves, and have yet to grow into and own the alpha maleness they mimic.

The bus approaches the next stop, and several of us get up to exit. A nerdy boy with glasses and a violin case accidentally trips over one of the teen’s duffel bags. This is the spark. The jocks erupt, lunging at the offending kid. He is easy prey. He’s petrified, but his survival instincts kick in, and he quickly maneuvers further up the aisle. I grab his shoulder and push him toward the door ahead of me. He makes his escape.

Now I’m in the line of fire. The rear door is only a couple steps away, but I stand my ground. The jocks size me up. I’m not an easy mark; I’m older and more dominant than any of them as individuals, but they trump me as a group. I may even be dangerous. In a split-second, the teens reevaluate the situation and instead of coming at me, they try to take me down with their best verbal shot: “You motherfucking fag!”

I move to the door. This could end very badly for me, but I will not show any weakness. Adrenaline courses through my bloodstream. I alight from the bus, holding the door open so I can briefly yell back. “Hey, thanks for the recognition. Oh, and for your information, its father-fucking, brother-fucking and/or son-fucking fag, never mother-fucking. Get it?”

By the time the jocks realize what’s happened, the bus is in motion, and I am safe.

The teens thought better of physically attacking me, so they did the next best thing. It’s what most threatened males do: they tried to diminish the threat by calling into question my masculinity.  And they do it in that time-honored way—by inferring I was a defective male, a queer, and a sissy. Trouble is, I am queer, and I owned it—right in their faces. On top of that, I stood up to them and even had the temerity to publicly shame them. So that had to be unsettling to them on several levels.

How did the derogatory epithet fag become the quintessential means of destroying the male ego? Why has the only somewhat less offensive slur, “that’s so gay,” become emblematic for everything stupid, negative or girly? These questions get to the root of our culture’s deeply ingrained homophobia.

I contend that homophobia is rooted in a fear and hatred of women. It’s no accident that when we want to denigrate a man we call him a pussy—the same word we use to refer to female genitals. In our culture, men are superior to women—it’s the oily by-product of male privilege. A man who falls short of this lofty ideal, or, god forbid, assumes a passive role in sex, cheapens the “privilege” for all other males. This is a particularly sensitive issue for ostensibly heterosexual men.

This prohibition is so deep-seated in our culture, one can trace its roots back to the Bible. Leviticus 20:13: “If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death.” In biblical days, women were nothing more than chattel. For a man to behave like a woman—particularly in a passive, receptive sexual way—back then was an even greater insult to the male privilege than it is nowadays (which explains the whole capital punishment thing.)

Women are also objectified as sexual objects before men dominate them. A woman is not so much a person as she is a collection of parts—tits, pussy, ass, etc. A heterosexual man, familiar with and practiced in this dynamic, will not tolerate another male objectifying him as a sexual object, either real or imagined.

These cultural triggers are exceptionally easy to trip. With very little effort at all, we can debase a man simply by suggesting that there’s a whiff of the feminine about him. In turn, the slandered male is burdened with proving the contrary, which often leads to overcompensation. To deflect suspicion, some men affect a macho bravado so as to appear even more masculine than their peers. And how better to do that than to suggest someone else is a pansy?

I can say for certain that all those boys on the bus had been, at one time or another, accused of being a fag. It’s exceedingly common in sports for even teammates to insinuate a fellow athlete is not performing up to expectations. Each of them must have known the sting of that reproach. Some may even have had self-doubt about their own sexual tendencies. That’s why they hurled at me what they knew would hurt any other self-respecting male the most.

What they didn’t count on was that I had, long ago, inoculated myself against this poison. I own, even revel, in my queer sexuality. An insult doesn’t work if the one insulted self-identifies as the slur.

Institutionalized homophobia, on the other hand, is more insidious. The dominant culture enshrines male privilege and, like the boys on the bus, punishes anyone who attempts to undercut the paradigm. Discrimination is so widespread, ingrained—and sometimes so subtle—that many non-gay people don’t even notice most of it. But those of us on the receiving end of the bigotry are keenly aware.

It’s a particularly acute problem for young people who know they are different, and different in a way that isn’t tolerated of by the dominant culture. They are much more vulnerable because they have yet to developed the emotional resources to counteract the oppression. They don’t yet realize that it’s society’s problem, not theirs. Their peers mercilessly persecute them. And for the most part, authority figures don’t even try to stop the torment. That’s why young gay people commit suicide at a rate of about seven times that of straight kids.

You may have noticed that I’ve framed this presentation in terms of the natural world. Dominant and submissive behaviors in other species often have sexual overtones, especially in other primate species. A dominant male will harass a male subordinate until he submits and presents his rump. This establishes a pecking order in the troupe: a subordinate male is submissive and the dominant male is in control.

Some straight men see gay men as a threat, instinctively fearing a supposed challenge to the established order of things; who is in control. It’s basically a struggle for dominance and troupe status. A gay person who is a productive member of society, who is indistinguishable from his heterosexual counterparts, ups the ante. He’s a threat to anyone who believes what he may have been told all his life—that gays are perverted, miserable, lonely people who live short, desperate lives.

Institutionalized homophobia impacts so many aspects of our culture. It may be obvious how it skews our notions of sex and sexuality, of who can do what to whom and when. But did you know that it is often an underlying cause of much male sexual dysfunction? It also contaminates national policy in terms of public health issues, military readiness and the rights and freedoms we afford our citizenry. The business sector also suffers. Harassment and intimidation of gay workers result in loss of productivity costing businesses millions every year. But the most tragic is the toll it takes on individual relationships. Families are torn apart, friendships end, and people sometimes are killed or kill themselves over a futile and misguided attempt to uphold the status quo.

Made To Order

Hey sex fans,

We feature a brand new toy company in today’s edition of Product Review Friday. Join me in welcoming Made To Pleasure, a brilliant boutique manufacturing house located in London. . We are delighted to have this truly unique company join us in our mission of bringing you news of innovation in the adult product marketplace. You will be hearing a lot more about Made To Pleasure in the coming weeks, because they sent us three different toys for review.

Today Dr Dick Review Crew members, Kevin & Gina are on hand to tell us about the first for these toys.

The Pearl —— £95.00

Gina & Kevin
Gina: “After the recent epic fail of one of our favorite vibes, (you can read about that HERE).  Kevin and I were so happy to turn our attention to a pleasure product that is stunningly elegant in its simplicity. We are elated to share with you the Pearl just one of the beautiful designs from the up and coming boutique toy company, Made To Pleasure.”
Kevin: “So true! The Made To Pleasure company got my attention immediately for the clever play on words that is their company name. But it also describes them to a tee. You see, you can actually design your own toy (made to order) or choose from the classic designs already created. You simply can’t get more accommodating than that.”
Gina: “I love the idea that anyone of us could design a unique toy for ourselves by simply using the design template on their site. I had fun just playing around with their design tool. Mmm, ‘design tool’, that sounds dirty!”
Kevin: “The Pearl also introduces us to a completely new material — acrylic (aka Lucite). We’ve not seen anything like this before. At first glance, one would guess the crystal-clear Pearl is glass. But it’s not. It shares a lot of the same properties as a quality glass pleasure product, but acrylic is lighter. And for the truly decadent among us, you can order a 99.9% pure gold and silver-plated design.”
Gina: “Yeah, wouldn’t that be spectacular! The Pearl comes in a stylish embossed black matte gift box. Inside the box you’ll find the Pearl wrapped, yet again, in black crêpe paper lying on a swath of black felt. It is tied in place with a satin ribbon. The presentation is dramatically chic; yet all of the packaging components are biodegradable. Very Nice; very smart!”
Kevin: “The Pearl also comes with a bullet vibe and three watch-sized batteries. You can use it apart from the Pearl, as a stand-alone clit vibe. Or you could attach it to the Pearl to make the whole dildo vibrate. We tried both methods. We attached the vibe to the Pearl using one of my silicone cockrings, although I suppose you could use a rubber band just as well!”
Gina: “Frankly, I found the bullet was a nuisance, both as a stand-alone vibe or attached to the dildo. There’s no need to gild this lily. I preferred to use the Pearl by its beautiful self. The gradually increasing (or decreasing) ridges provided me with all the sensations I needed. I say increasing or decreasing, because the Pearl is a double-header. You can use either end. And add to this the delightful feature that the Pearl can be chilled and warmed for added sensations; well I was in heaven. Oh, and you can use any sort of lube you’d like on this beauty.”
Kevin: “I’ve used the Pearl on myself too. So I have a bone to pick with the company’s mission statement. They write ’Made To Pleasure’s raison d’etre is simple – to bring the ultimate pleasure to women through toys that are beautiful to look at, and a pleasure to use.’ Really? Your toys are just for women? What are we, all the men out here, chopped liver? I mean, come on; why be so exclusive? Men have been using dildos for just as long as women have.”
Gina: “Yeah, why the exclucivity? I think it’s great that you are appealing primarily to women. Your site is lovely and sensual, but I agree with Kevin. In this day and age, do we really have to discriminate?”
Kevin: “After all the Pearl is made to be shared. Because it’s acrylic, it’s nonporous, phthalates-free, hypoallergenic and latex-free. There are no seams; it’s totally waterproof so it’s easily cleaned. Mild soap and warm water does just fine for everyday cleaning. You can also wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution as I see fit.”
Gina: “However, unlike glass, you can’t toss the Pearl in the dishwasher or boil it. So be aware of that. But with proper care, it will last a lifetime.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

SEX WISDOM With Carol Queen — Podcast #266 — 03/02/11

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Holy cow, I’m giddy with excitement today, because I have an extraordinary show in store for you. We have an audience with the Queen. …ahh, no not that one, you silly geese. I’m talking about my colleague, Carol Queen, the sexologist, writer, speaker, educator, activist and I’m gonna add to that list — national treasure.

But wait; that’s not all! This show is a twofer, don’t cha know. My guest, our conversation and the themes discussed in this podcast easily fall into both the SEX WISDOM series and the Play With It series.

Carol is, of course, one of the movers and shakers in the field of human sexuality; who is making news and helping us take a fresh look at our sexual selves. She’s also a prominent figure in the adult products marketplace; helping reshape that industry as well.

Carol and I discuss:

  • Being a sexological over-achiever;
  • Founding one of the first gay/lesbian youth groups in the nation;
  • Sexual orientation, affectional choices and gender;
  • Bisexuality – the space between the binaries;
  • The altering effect of strap-on sex;
  • Removing the stigma of sex;
  • Orgasm Inc.;
  • Being one of the staff sexologists at Good Vibrations;
  • Sex toy health concerns;
  • The impact of sexologists in the adult products marketplace;
  • Truth in advertising.

Carol invites you to visit her on her site HERE!  She has a monthly column in the Good Vibrations Magazine HERE!  She’s on Facebook HERE! And enjoy her twitter feed HERE!

(For a little icing on this already marvelous cake, enjoy some videos featuring Carol.)


BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

More of The Erotic Mind of Andre DeLoach — Podcast #265 — 02/28/11

Hey sex fans, welcome back!

We’re off to beautiful downtown Long Beach California to hook up again with that distinguished photographer of stunning male physique and fitness models, Andre DeLoach. This is Part 2 of his appearance in The Erotic Mind series, don’t cha know.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of this delectable conversation, which appeared here last week at this time, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #264 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Andre and I discuss:

  • Where and how he finds his models;
  • The ethics involved in shooting nudes;
  • Cultural and historical perspectives of the erotic;
  • The line between erotic art and pornography;
  • How an image can be imbued with a message;
  • The nature of masculinity;
  • Eroticizing the unerotic;
  • Who inspires him;
  • What the future holds for him and his work;
  • Challenging others to express themselves in this medium.

For more of Andre, be sure to visit him on his site HERE! And look for him on Facebook HERE! And Twitter HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Fleshlight & FleshJack.