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Review: The Ultimate Guide To Sex After 50

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Hey sex fans!

2015 is turning out to be a banner year for sex positive books. Here it is still only January and this is my second review of a noteworthy book about human sexuality.

A few weeks ago, January 8th to be precise, I introduced you to Cooper S. Beckett’s book, My Life on the Swingset.  In that review I mentioned that Cooper had been a guest on my Sex EDGE-U-cation Show.

Today’s review features a book written by another guest on my show, but this time it was the SEX WISDOM Show. Today’s book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty: How to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, was written by the brilliant, Joan Price.

Joan is on the forefront of our culture’s discussion on ageless sexuality. She is the author of Ult+Guide+Sex+50+covertwo other books, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. She is a sought-after speaker and workshop leader. And, if that weren’t enough, she’s also a fitness expert. This woman is a ball of fire, sex fans, and an absolutely charming interview. Be sure to listen to the two-part interview I did with Joan, you’ll find them archived HERE and HERE!

Joan and I talked about some the many myths that surround sex during life’s second half; she covers this topic more in depth in her new book. The misinformation about sex after 50 is so pervasive that even many of us seniors and elders perpetrate it. And, of course, we’re often the butt of jokes.

1. We lose interest in sex as we age.
2. Senior sex is boring.
3. Dating as a senior/elder is depressing and hopeless.
4. Seniors with arousal issues just give up on sex.
5. Sex becomes more frequent as we age.
6. Real sex must involve intercourse and orgasm.
7. Health concerns and menopause will end one’s sex life.
8. If you’re interested in sex after you turn 50, you’re a dirty old man/woman.

The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty is the perfect antidote to the dismissive and degrading way that so much of the popular culture deals with senior and elder sexuality. Joan celebrates not only the existence and appropriateness of sexual desire for seniors and elders, but how sex can and does increase the health and wellbeing of older people.

Joan states her credo in the Introduction.
“…being sexual at this time of life means:
• Enjoying arousal and orgasm, with or without a partner
• Having a zesty, sex-positive frame of mind
• Being open to new possibilities
• Giving pleasure to this body that is capable of great delights
• Making a commitment to myself to be sexually aware and healthy”

Joan invites her readers to join her in conversation. And a big part of that conversation is being aware of what’s going on with our body as we age. Being attuned to that, and being able to communicate that to a partner, is key to great senior/elder sex. (To be frank, it’s the secret of great sex at any age, but I digress.) To that end, Joan includes in her book actual comments from real people that she has encountered in her work. These anecdotes reflect an array of feelings that underscore the conflicts, successes, and complexities of real life situations. And this being the Ultimate Guide, Joan includes the input from many of our colleagues who weigh in with their expert opinion on the topics she is addressing.

I love that Joan often makes the point that having a fulfilling sex life is not dependent on having a partner. Lot of seniors and elders are without a partner, but that ought not be an impediment to sexual enjoyment. Self-pleasuring, with one’s hand, or any of the myriad toys available to us, is the foundation of a rich, healthy, rewarding, and ageless sex life.

Joan also examines a topic near and dear to my life. In my book, The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying; Enhancing The End of Life, I took great pains to include a chapter about the sex and intimacy needs of sick, elder, and dying people. Joan does something similar in her chapter — Cancer, Cancer Treatment, And Sex. I am so grateful that Join addressed this timely topic, suggesting, as she does, that people challenged with cancer, or any other chronic condition for that matter, take their sexual performance questions to their doctors. I think we both believe this will go a long way to underscore the notion that wellbeing is not merely about absence of disease, it’s’ about quality of life. There’s also a marvelous section about sex and grief too.

And, just so you know, this isn’t a hetero-centric book. Joan includes all sexual orientations and lifestyles.

I highly recommend Joan’s new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty, to everyone. If you are a fellow senior or elder, this book is chock full of important and practical information about things we care about. It also provides much needed support and encouragement as we make our way through this season of life. If you’re not a senior or elder, this book is an indispensable resource for you too. Not just so that you will be sensitive to the needs of others, but that you’ll grow in appreciation of the fact that sex is for a lifetime. And hey, you just might learn a little something new from someone who isn’t “new”.

I want to say a special thanks to Cleis Press, Joan’s publisher, for sending me this review copy of The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty.

Kudos to Joan! Your book is a marvel.

Be sure to check out Joan’s websites: joanprice.com and NakedatOurAge.com.

PS:  This book would make a fantastic Valentine’s Day gift.

Can’t Give It Away

Name: Dave
Gender: male
Age: 40
Location: Wisconsin
I have a boyfriend that I love very much. We have been together for over 6 years and we care for one another very much. The problem is that we never have sex. The last time was probably two years ago and that time he just took care of me and that was it. I haven’t seen him climax in years. I asked him if there’s a problem with me and he says no. I know he still has a sex drive because I’ve caught him masturbating once. When I bring up the subject he says he knows we need to work on it but that’s as far as it goes. I know he’s not cheating, but I can’t say the same about myself. Should I feel guilty for seeking sex outside our relationship without his permission? In the past I’ve felt horrible about this, but my frustration is overriding my guilt. But it still bothers me because I am not being the moral person I was raised to be. I’ve asked him about opening our relationship, but he doesn’t like that idea either. What am I supposed to do?

Sad to say there’s not much a couple can do to either beef up a sex drive or cool one down, when one or the other partner has no will to do so. And I would say that if you guys have been living successfully like this for four years, there’s little chance of turning this around. I understand your frustration about the sex thing, but I also hear you say that everything else is pretty OK.

So let me ask, is the sex thing with your partner so important that you want to risk upsetting the whole apple cart?oh-oh

If, as you say, you are feeling guilty about going outside your relationship to find the sexual satisfaction you need and want, then it is high time for you to have a chat with your partner and pound out some new relationship perimeters. The tension you are experiencing between your sexual desires and your moral compass is a real good thing. It ought not be denied. But like I always say, these can be very difficult negotiations to hammer out. However, not to try to come to some kind of accommodation to insure the sexual health and wellbeing of both is, I believe, a form of sexual abuse.

You might consider the upfront approach:  “Honey, I can’t live without sex.  You and I haven’t been sexual together for ages.  I can no longer abide the status quo.  Here’s what I propose. You are my partner; I love you very much.  I will always bring you the gift of my sexuality first.  And I give you the right of first refusal.  If you’re not interested, I will honor that and not pester you for what I need and desire.  However, if that’s the case, I intend to look for what I need elsewhere. Living without partnered sex is no longer an option for me.”

The important thing here is, regardless how you approach the subject, there’s no need to sink to the lowest common denominator.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s just say that your hubby is still interested in sex, maybe even sex with you.  Perhaps you could be asking yourself; is the sex you have with your partner is just boring? And you’re misinterpreting his boredom as disinterest? You say he masturbates. What’s in his mind (or on the computer) when he does? Would you even know? Ever thought of asking? Maybe he’s just too self-conscious to come right out with it and ask for what he wants from you. Is there any way you could entice him back to bed with a little spice? Would he respond to some porn, or toys, or even a three-way?

Maybe it’s just as well there’s no sex in your relationship, you seem to be getting along very well otherwise. But only a frank and open discussion with your man is gonna shed the necessary light on this situation.

See Dave, you have lots of options. It’s time to be creative, like the fabulous homo you are.

Good Luck!

Whoa Daddy!

Name: Kirk
Gender: Male
Age:
Location: Belfast
I think my dad is sexy and want to fuck him but am scared to ask! I also fancy my best friend and every time he stays over with me I fantasize sucking his cock and fucking him hard what do I do?

My you’re a randy little bugger, huh Kirk? I see you didn’t include your age when you wrote me. so I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess you’re still a lad.

First off, I want to direct your attention to the advice I gave a young man named Jaymie earlier this month. You will find that column HERE! I want you to read this because my words to him apply to you as well. Particularly in terms of your desire to suck your best friend’s cock and fucking him hard. You’re such a charmer!

Second, you should know that you follow in a very long line of gay men who have and do fantasize about boning their hunky dads. This is all very natural and it provides a wealth of extremely tantalizing mental material for our wank sessions. And that, my friend, is where this oughta stay.

Incest, and that’s what we’re talking about, is taboo. And it’s taboo for several really good reasons. The most devastating thing about incest is the secrecy that must surround it. No one violates this universal taboo in the open. The secrecy and the inevitable shame and guilt when found out will, sure as shootin’, destroy a family dynamic. Your old man will know this even if you haven’t grasped this yet yourself.

At the same time, it would be foolish to deny that sexual and erotic tensions often swirl around a family dynamic. It’s unavoidable. A father’s love for his children, a mother’s love for her children can and sometimes does develop an erotic component. A son’s love for his parents, a daughter’s love for her parents can morph into a powerful sexual desire. But like I said, crossing the line from longing to actuality is a loaded gun aimed at the heart of the family. Your dad’s parental responsibilities to you must trump any eroticism he may have toward you. You, on the other hand, have a responsibility to your father not make his job any more difficult than it is.

Here’s the thing, part of being a parent to a teenager is acknowledging and allowing for the teen to practice his or her seduction skills inside the family unit. Girls harmlessly flirt with their fathers and compete with their mothers. Boys harmlessly flirt with their mothers and compete with their fathers. And sometimes this happens toward the same-sex parent too — boys toward their fathers and girls toward their mothers. The adults need to take all of this in stride. They have to believe the flirtation is harmless so they can provide their children with the proper non-seductive environment for their maturation to occur. If the flirting crosses the line into full-on, for real seduction the unspoken agreement between parents and children is shattered. And there will be hell to pay.

The same is true in the reverse. A child must have the confidence that as they mature and develop their sexual identity, they will not unwittingly become the object of their parent’s seduction or worse their predation.

Of course, Kirk, there’s the distinct possibility that your old man doesn’t share your sexual predilections. And coming on to him could easily destroy whatever bond you may share. In fact, your disclosure could easily backfire into a violent response. Your dad could easily knock your block off.

Here’s a tip: if you absolutely must confess or confide your attraction, save it for when you are old enough to have moved out of your parent’s house. That way some of the sting will have gone out of revelation because the family dynamic will have changed. But you can be sure the awkwardness will continue.

Good luck

I’d like to remind you of the toll-free Lick-A-Dee-Split sex advice podcast VOICEMAIL HOTLINE at 866-422-5680. Got a question or a comment? Want to rant or rave for a bit. Or maybe you just gotta talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest and give dr dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

Get a grip!

We continue our National Masturbation Month theme today.

Name: Pablo
Gender: Male
Age: 34
Location: Madrid
Can you help me I have an addiction towards masturbation. I can’t control the urge that I have. I’m single and have never been with a woman. I’m very nervous about this. How can I control these sexual urges? Please write back as soon as you can.

Pablo, darling, what’s the big problem with jerkin’ off…even jerkin’ off a lot? Perhaps you’re creating a predicament where there doesn’t need to be one. Maybe you just need to relax and enjoy your self-pleasuring.

First off, I want to restate my belief that there’s no such thing as a masturbation addict. Compulsive hand jobs? Sure! Out of control wackin’ off? Ya betcha! Self-denigrating pud-pulling? Absolutely! Masturbation addiction? No way!

Masturbation is normal, particularly for someone like you who is not involved with someone else. Of course masturbation is also a big part of the sex life of people in relationships too.

Say, where are you getting the information that self-love is a bad thing? Is this message coming from the Church perhaps? I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it were. Masturbation can sure enough be a problem, if you’ve been indoctrinated to think it is bad or sinful. But then again, the problem is the sex-negative propaganda, not the masturbation itself.

I’d be willing to guess a guy of your age, without a wife or lover has all kinds of repressive feelings about sex in general, not just masturbation in particular. Maybe it’s your religious up bringing that is coloring your judgment about your private sexuality. Perhaps if you took the opportunity to rethink your training, you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

Since you don’t go into any detail about the extent of your behavior, I guess I’ll just have to make some general comments. Like I said masturbation, or any behavior for that matter, can become compulsive. If the urge to choke the chicken gets in the way of you having a full rich life, you may have a problem. Say you’re jerkin’ off so much that you don’t having a social life. Or you’re pullin’ your pud so much that you can’t hold down a job. Then that’s a problem. But I hasten to add the problem is not masturbation, per se, it’s the being out of control that’s the problem. Just like if someone told me they were jogging so much they had no time for a social life or for a job, then that person has a problem. But it’s not the jogging, per se. Ya get it?

There are lots of reasons why people feel uncomfortable about their sexual desires and behaviors. Most all of us grow up in a very sex- negative environment. Parents still punish their kids if they catch them playing with themselves. The Church still insists that any sexual expression outside of marriage is sinful. So many people are so judgmental about the sexual behaviors of others, particularly if the expression is one they themselves don’t practice. Others can be so cruel, using terms like slut, whore, and promiscuous when talking about someone who is getting more sex than they. In other words, it’s our culture’s unhealthy preoccupation with sex that is often the cause of one’s fear and mistrust of his own sexual desires and practices.

You don’t have to settle for this, Pablo. You can learn to free yourself from the repressive messages that may surround you. You may find the help you need on the internet, don’t cha know. There are many online communities that celebrate self-loving. Do a search using the words: healthy masturbation.

One thing for sure, if you feel bad about jerkin’ off, you’re probably also fearful of partnered sex. I mean it wasn’t lost on me that you’re 34 and still a virgin. Holy Cow! Maybe if you liberated yourself from your repressive attitudes toward masturbation, partnered sex would take its rightful place in your life. It’s never too late for this to happen, Pablo.

Some people use masturbation as a means of self-abuse. I guess it’s no accident that self-abuse is a term some sex-negative people use when talking about masturbation. If you don’t like yourself very much, Pablo, for whatever reason, you could be using your private sex to punish and denigrate yourself. This is the ultimate perversion — turning something good and healthy into something hurtful and hateful.

Are you concentrating so much time and energy on your cock to avoid other problems in your life? Maybe if you confronted these other problems, whatever they might be, head on, you’d feel better about yourself. And your solitary sexual practices wouldn’t loom so large. The problem is, because you feel bad about what you’re doing, you’re actually adding more stress in your life, making it harder for you to get a hold of this, no pun intended.

Good luck!

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

You are what you eat

Name: Edie
Gender: female
Age: 52
Location: Galveston
Are there any foods I can add to my diet that might boost my sex drive? Some of which seems to have been lost in my advancing years. Any information would certainly be appreciated.

People first sought aphrodisiacs as a remedy for various sexual difficulties, especially performance anxiety. Aphrodisiacs are also thought to boost both male and female potency. In ancient times nutrition was always an issue. Food hasn’t always been as available as it is today. And of course, nothing pulls the plug on the libido like malnutrition. And hunger radically reduces fertility rates.

Our forbearers believed that anything in nature that looked like or represented fertility, such as bulbs, eggs, snails were considered to have sexual powers. Other types of foods were considered stimulating because they physically resembled male or female genitalia.

The Greeks and Romans believed aniseed had special powers. Sucking on the seeds is said to increases your desire. Or maybe it just freshened the breath enough to get close enough to fuck.

Almonds have been a symbol of fertility throughout the ages. The aroma is thought to induce passion in a female. Arugula or “rocket” has been considered an aphrodisiac since the first century A.D. Arugula was added to grated orchid bulbs and parsnips, which was combined with pine nuts and pistachios for a full-on erotic feast.

The Aztecs called the avocado tree the “testicle tree” for obvious reasons. The fruit hanging in pairs, as it does, resembles a man’s cajones.

Bananas have a marvelous phallic shape. But from a more practical standpoint bananas are rich in potassium and B vitamins, necessities for sex hormone production.

Chocolate is known as the “nourishment of the Gods”. Chocolate contains chemicals thought to effect neurotransmitters in the brain. It also contains more antioxidants than does red wine.

Carrots are believed to be a stimulant to the male. The phallic shape has long been associated with stimulation since ancient times. Early Middle Eastern potentates used carrots to aid in their seductions.

The Arabian nights tells a tale of a merchant who had been childless for 40 years but was cured by a concoction that included coriander. Cilantro is also known as an “appetite” stimulant.

Fennel, like anise, was found to be a source of natural plant estrogens. Use of fennel as an aphrodisiac dates back to the ancient Egyptians.

An open fig looks like a vagina. And traditionally it is thought of as sexual stimulant. A man breaking open a fig and eating it in front of his lover is a powerful erotic act.

The ‘heat’ in garlic is said to stir sexual desires. Garlic has been used for centuries to cure everything from the common cold to heart ailments.

Ginger root raw, cooked, pickled or crystallized is a powerful stimulant to the circulatory system. And what is good sex if it isn’t all about healthy blood flow?

The Egyptian believed that honey was a cure for sterility and impotence. Medieval seducers plied their partners with Mead, a fermented drink made from honey. Lovers on their “Honeymoon” drank mead and it was thought to “sweeten” the marriage.

Mustard, maybe because of its bite, is believed to stimulate the sex glands and increase desire.

Chinese women prize nutmeg as an aphrodisiac. In quantity nutmeg can have a hallucinogenic effect.

Oysters are legendary aphrodisiacs. They of course resemble a pussy, but they are also very nutritious and high in protein.

Tomatoes, known as the “love apple” are considered love food, because they have great nutritional value and their acidity is considered a sex stimulant.

The scent and flavor of vanilla is believed to increase lust.

Good luck

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