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About DR DICK!

Welcome Sex Fans! Get ready for some informative and enriching entertainment.

Your comments and questions are always welcome. You can reach me at: dr_dick@drdicksexadvice.com

Now a little bit about me, your host, Dr Dick.  My name is Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS.  I’m a Clinical Sexologist in private practice here in Seattle. I’ve been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

 

PHILOSOPHY
I affirm the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. I know the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others. I know that such attitudes affect not only a person’s sex life, but also his/her ability to relate well with others.

Sexual wellbeing is more than simply being able to perform. It also means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of one’s personality and involvement with others. Between the extremes of total sexual repression and relentless sexual pursuit, a person can find that unique place, where she/he is free to live a life of self-respect, enjoyment and love.

Each person is a special ensemble of dispositions and needs and his/her uniqueness must be respected. My aim is to provide such information and guidance as will help the individual approach his/her unique sexuality in a realistic and responsible manner, as well as further his/her independent growth, personal integrity, and have a more joyful experience of living.

SERVICES
Clinical services cover a full range of sexual heath concerns including:

— Guilt associated with religious upbringing or training.
— Conflicts or sexual dissatisfaction between partners.
— Ejaculation and/or erection concerns.
— Orgasm concerns.
— Sexual orientation/lifestyle preference.
— Sexual inhibitions.
— Socio-sexual skills.
— Sexual misinformation.
— Love and sexuality.
— Jealousy and possessiveness.
— Poor body image.
— Unsatisfactory sexual outlet.
— Safe-sex concerns.
— Adult survivors of sex abuse.
— Sexuality and illness or disability.
— Sexuality and grieving.

My practice combines the best of a short-term behavioral model with a compassionate, person-orientated counseling technique. My purpose is to help clients come to terms with their sexual problems and conflicts as these relate to their own life values, expectations and goals.

My services are open to individuals, couples, families and groups, of any sexual persuasion, who have sexual concerns. I am available for lectures, workshops, and in-service training.

BACKGROUND
Since the completion of my doctoral studies in 1981 I have been involved in a wide range of sexological activities including counseling, teaching, lecturing, writing, publishing, video production, in-service training and facilitating groups and workshops.

I’ve been writing this online sex advice column for well over a decade now.
I am the founder and former Executive Director of the nonprofit organization, PARADIGM; Enhancing Life Near Death — an outreach and resource for terminally ill, chronically ill, elder and dying people.

My therapeutic training includes The Institute for Advanced Study in Human Sexuality San Francisco, The University of California, San Francisco Human Sexuality Unit, and The Pacific Center for Human Growth, Berkeley.

Besides my sexological training I carry a Masters degree in Theology from the Jesuit School of Theology, Berkeley.

I am Board certified by The American College of Sexologists, The American Board of Sexology and The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS
Clinical Sexology and Sexual Health Care





Body Image Blues

Happy New Year everyone!

Did ya’ll survive the holidays? Dr. Dick just barely made it through this annual ordeal by the skin of his teeth. The holidays are supposed to bring out the best in folks, right? Then, what’s with all the lunatic behavior this time of the year?

Leave it to all the wretched holiday hype to spike our self-critical nature. Just when ya thought it was safe to take a peek in the mirror, along come those age-old bugaboos to scare ya back into the closet of self-doubt. Consider this month’s grab bag of frightened souls.

Hey Dr. Dick –
I’ve always had a low self-image. Then about two years ago I decided to do something about. I began going to the gym regularly and eating better. It paid off…now I have a better image of myself and have been dating more. Imf_nipple.jpg am seeking a LTR but only seem to met and slept with unavailable women. I’m starting to turn this back on myself…sure now I’m good enough to sleep with, but not have a relationship with! Thoughts?
K in NYC

Dear K,
You’re looking for a LTR and you’re sleeping around with unavailable women? Darlin’, what do you suppose is wrong with this picture?
Dr. Dick suspects that you still need to do some serious work on the self-image thing. I applaud your efforts to get in shape and eat right. Good for you! However, heaping recriminations upon yourself for your lack of success in the dating game, particularly while pursuing the unavailable, is downright self-defeating.
Rethink this strategy immediately.
Good luck,
Dr. Dick

Doctor Dick,
I only have one testicle. I was born that way. It has a huge effect on my self-confidence. I consider myself a good-looking guy and I work out at the gym to try and look and feel the best I can. But even so, whenever I meet a guy and we have sex, I am always terrified that when he notices, he’ll freak out or suddenly be turned off. Even though the guys I have been with (not that many) haven’t had a problem with it, I feel it is a problem. And also, I have trouble ejaculating—whether that is physiological or psychological, I don’t know.
I have two questions. 1) Would having only one testicle reduce my sex drive and make it harder for me to ejaculate? 2) I have pondered the idea of having a prosthetic testicle inserted (so at least I wouldn’t LOOK any different to other guys). Do you know much about this procedure and if it is safe?
Thanks very much
David

Dear David,

y1.jpg Whoa, aren’t you all tied up in a BALL of knots? (Big pun intended!)

You’re obsessing about something that apparently is of no consequence to your partners. Hey, if they don’t give a shit that you’re shy a nut, why should you?
Celebrate your uniqueness, instead of living in shame. Your “irregularity” is neither life threatening, nor is it particularly obvious.
Consider the great length some guys go to in an attempt to hide the “shame” of what they perceive as a personal inadequacy. Like the guy who wears a really terrible toupee (or any toupee for that matter) in an effort to mask his hair loss. Is this not completely ridiculous, not to mention counterproductive? I mean, doesn’t his folly call even more attention to the very thing he wishes to conceal?
I propose that it’s your anxiety about “being found out” that’s getting in the way of your sexual performance, not having just one testicle. Nor do I believe that it’s interfering with your sex drive. But I advise you consult your physician if you think you have a hormonal imbalance. A regular injection of testosterone will remedy that.
You ask about surgery; well, it’s a simple enough procedure. But there are always risks, like the possibility of infection for example. Besides, you’ll always know that one of your balls is a fake. And in time, you’ll probably begin to obsess about that, too.
David, this problem of yours can be solved in a less drastic and invasive manner than surgery. Choose self-acceptance over the knife and be happy.
Good Luck,
Dr. Dick

Dr. Dick:
I am writing because I am a very self-conscious person and am afraid to date anyone because of how I look underneath my good-looking clothes. I was born with problems that left scars and veins on my body, making my younger years hell. I am very self-conscious when it comes to wearing shorts, which I never wear, and being naked with someone. I want to be with someone and look normal, like all the other people. I enjoy looking and feeling good about myself, but when it comes to revealing my true identity I lose all confidence. I am afraid of rejection because I am different.
I want a boyfriend who hot and has a body to die for, but I don’t base my dating prospects on looks, but on personality. I know there are others out there with the same philosophy, but it is hard to see. What should I do? I want to meet someone and have fun, but I have this fear of being rejected and not being what they expect.
Jordan

Dear Jordan,
I can’t tell from your comments if you are a man or a woman. That’s actually a good thing, because my advice is the same regardless of your gender. Our society can be an.jpg heartless place for those of us who don’t fit the “ideal” of youth and beauty perpetuated by the popular culture. And it looks to me like you’re guilty of the same bullshit you accuse others of perpetuating. You want a lover who is physically perfect, but you don’t want others to discriminate against you for not being so. Aaaa, hello! If you allow this unhappy double standard to control your sense of wellbeing, you have only yourself to blame.
Throw off the shackles that ensnare you. They’re all self-imposed, not to mention self-defeating. Learn to accept yourself for who you are, with all your assets and liabilities. And you’d do well to be a little less of a snob where others’ looks are concerned.
Good Luck,
Dr. Dick

Dear Dr. Dick,
I’m an attractive, talented and fun loving guy who has never had a lover in the 23 years that I’ve been openly gay. Sure I get a lot of looks and flirtations but rarely from the ones I’m attracted to. It seems that unless you work out 4 to 5 times a week you’re not worth their time or attention. In fact, if you read personal ads you’ll find that the majority of them use that as a prerequisite. Mind you, I’m not flabby or out of shape, I’m just tall and thin (6’3″, 175#). This has made me very self-conscious about myself and in turn has produced performance anxiety. I find myself working so hard to please a man sexually that I can’t “get it up” to save my life. I joined a gym a couple of times. But after a year of religiously working out (both times), I never saw any visible improvement in my body so I stopped going. Another aspect of my frustration is the fact that I have been HIV+ for 12 years and I am developing the “skinny arms and legs syndrome” from my drugs. Sex has become a very complicated issue for me. Half the time I’m self-conscious about my body and the other half afraid of passing on HIV or getting some new sexual disease. Any advice?
Sex Fan

Dear sex fan,
n-1.jpg You bet I have some advice. In fact, if you’ve taken the time to read this far in this column, you already have a good idea of what my take on all of this is.
Some gay men have turned discriminating against other gay men into an art form. If it’s not about muscles, then it’s about age, race, HIV status, where one lives, the clothes one wears, the car one drives—the litany goes on and on. If you buy into this dehumanizing nonsense, as it appears you have, you do it at your own peril, darlin’! You give this ugly thing power over you, and it will erode what little self-confidence you have left.
Let me make a couple of quick comments. First, do you use the same superficial standards to measure potential partners that you say others reject you by? That’s a common enough scenario (check out the letter above). But this cycle of oppression needs to stop somewhere; why not with you?
Second, working to please a partner is a good thing. But taking it to an extreme is not. Obsessing about pleasing a partner, so much so as to let it interfere with your sexual performance, or worse, your mental health, is very dangerous.
Finally, fear, whatever its guise, will always and everywhere diminish your ability to pursue and enjoy your sexuality. I guarantee that being so afraid of getting or passing on a disease or being afraid of rejections because of your body type will cripple your sexual performance.
I suggest you begin 2004 by taking your fears, apprehensions and frustrations to a professional. A sex-positive therapist will help you overcome these stumbling blocks so that you can happily get on with the rest of your life.
Good Luck,
Dr. Dick

It’s my sincere hope that, with the dawn of the New Year, we’ll find the courage to scuttle all this self-defeating crap, and in doing so, make the word a much better place in which to live.

LETTERS, LETTERS, WE GOT LETTERS

Dear Doc,

So you’re a sex therapist – very interesting.

Here’s one for you – not that I am trying to get free advice – but when I meet someone I really like – which just happened about 6 weeks ago, I sometimes have a hard time getting hard. I know it is temporary – as when I am alone I always can get excited and masturbate at least once a day. I have a hard time relaxing and trusting the other person – any words of wisdom? Any ways I can relax. I just get stressed about it and worry that I won’t be hard – then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know physically I have a very strong sex drive – but just have never explored it fully with another person.

Thanks,
T

Hey T,

jeans1.jpgIn terms of the intimacy problem you present, I think you pretty much answer your own question. You need to relax. Easier said then done, right? Relaxation techniques, like deep breathing, are very helpful, give it a try.

Some guys also have enormous emotional investments in every one of their sexual connections. This never makes for a relaxed encounter. And as we both know, no relaxation can also mean no erection either.

If I had to guess, I’d say you don’t have a great deal of sexual experience to draw upon; this too can add to performance anxiety. There’s a pretty simple remedy for that too. Go out and get the experience you need.

Sexual experience for the novice fucker is as essential as behind the wheel experience is for a novice driver. The more experience one has behind the wheel, or in your case, in the sack, the more likely that person will be a relaxed and confident driver, Mmm…I mean…fucker.

Good luck

Dr. Dick,

I’m 55, single, and never have been with a man. I view the gay galleries and j/o. Frightened to come out and even more frightened to have an affair. Am I gay or not, is the first question. Second I’m really turned on by men of muscle in the galleries and jo daily.
from dilemma

Dear dilemma,

You have many more pressing emotional and psychological problems than yourassorted1.jpg concern about jerkin off to muscle boy smut and what it might say about you being queer.

When I get this sort of letter from an 18 year old I tend to be a bit more compassionate. After all, a young man doesn’t have the bank of life experience that you do to help guide him in his journey of self-discovery. But you’re 55 years old, for christ sake! Where have you been for the last 30 years? You’re crippled with a shit-load of fear, guilt , shame and self-loathing and that sucks (and not in a good way either). When do you suppose you’re gonna get around to addressing all this baggage, darlin’? You ain’t no spring chicken no more, honey! Time’s a wastin’.

Dr. Dick suggests that you place a moratorium on chokin’ the chicken for a few weeks and spend some of that down time with a qualified therapist who’ll help you face your fears and embrace your identity. For the time being, I can safely say that you are not gay. Dr. Dick reserves that designation for those of us who can self-identify with pride.

Good luck

Ok, Doc. I gotta question for you. I was “playing” with a friend of mine this past week and every time I top him, he can’t stand getting fucked for more than 10 minutes. We start off with him riding me. Then after let’s say 5-7 min, I turn him over on his back and try fucking him with his legs in the air only to have him ask me to pull out after 2 min b/c he’s sore. This is the 2nd time this has occurred. Would it be advisable to let him ride it for the duration of the fuck (I kind of like to be in control, but am totally cool with whatever the bottom wants as long as he feels good). Any other suggestions? I do rim and sometimes I finger him.
Anyway, I’d thought I’d ask a professional like you just so that I can be a better top.
—BMOC

Dear BMOC,

Do you ever bottom? The best advice I have for tops is to bottom on a regular basis. Really! In fact, my rule of thumb is, if ya can’t be a bottom you oughtn’t be a top.

0821.jpgSome tops are angry tops. They have something to prove, or more precisely, something they’re compensating for. That being said, I would add that in your case, your desire to be in control might very well be the root of the problem, at least with this particular bottom. Sounds to me like you are being too aggressive for this guy. Some boys like a nice gentle fuck. The fact that he’s more comfortable riding your dick then you pounding away at him tells me that he needs to be in control not you.

Good luck

Hi Doctor Dick.
I am a French black Bodybuilder into local contests.
My question: Can a dick turn curved from daily j/o? For some years my cock is “looking” to right.
Thanks for answer.
—Mike

Hey Mike,
No, frequent j/o has nothing to do with your dick curving one way or another. That is unless you’re brutalizing it in the process.
black207.jpg Your cock is made up of two blood filled channels (corpora cavernosa) and one sponge like tube encasing the urinary passage (urethra). Sometimes the two corpora cavernosa are not equal in length from birth. Sometime the shortening of one or the other occurs as a man matures. Either way, the result is a curve of the cock towards the shorter side. Some dicks also curve up or down a bit. This is TOTALLY normal and it’s nothing to be concerned about. If, however, the curve becomes very pronounced, or becomes uncomfortable, it can be a sign of trauma. This is technically known as Peyronies disease and can be corrected surgically.
The best bet is to make sure that when you’re jerkin off you treat your dick with care. Remember it’s the only one that you’re ever gonna have.

Good luck

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