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Sexual Tension or Domestic Tranquility

Name: Barbara
Gender: Female
Age: 48
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
I’ve been with my current lover for 5 years and I dearly love him. A couple of years ago he had hemorrhoid surgery and was in the hospital for a month. When he got home he refused to have sex with me but once a month of so. After two years his sexual interest is less and less. We have a wonderful time together, except for the sex. He’s a great guy and I know he loves me. We talk about it, but he tells me that he doesn’t need sex and he wants a platonic relationship. He’s not open to therapy. If he doesn’t want to be physical, I don’t want to force it but I’m masturbating all alone and I’m very frustrated. I don’t what to leave him, but I can’t stand the status quo.

This is a classic lament, Barbara. So many couples struggle with much the same thing. Love, intimacy, and sex—three very different things—yet we are socialized into thinking that they should always come to us as a package deal. And anything that doesn’t is less than optimum and often downright bad or sinful. What a tiny little box we’re all supposed to fit in.

sexual-FrustrationI believe there is a fundamental difference between love, sex, and intimacy, but so many people confuse or conflate these very different needs to their detriment. Some go so far as to destroy an otherwise good and vibrant relationship just because it doesn’t conform to what we perceive as the norm…ya know the big package deal I just mentioned.

I don’t know how we got it into are head that the only legitimate or wholesome sex is the sex that happens in a loving relationship, or that if there is no sex in a loving relationship, then that relationship is somehow flawed or defective. That’s simply not the case.

The way I see it, passionate sex is dependent on a good deal of sexual tension. Ya know, like the grips of hot monkey love that happens at the beginning of a relationship. In time this sexual tension dissipates. I might add that it takes a great deal of work to keep that kind of tension alive. Most couples don’t invest that kind of energy, even though they may pay lip service to the desire for it.life is too short

Intimacy, on the other hand, is dependent on domestic tranquility, in other words, the elimination of tension in the relationship, which often also includes sexual tension. And since most couples desire intimacy over sex they choose (either consciously or not) the domestic tranquility option. But the result is the kind of sexual frustration you report, at least for some.

Those who wish to have both sexual passion and intimacy need to be creative in developing both. It simply isn’t enough to believe that loving someone is enough to make it happen. It takes a lot of very hard work.

That being said, Barbara, if your partner refuses to join you in any effort to find a solution to the problems that plague your relationship, he is telling you that your sexual concerns are unimportant to him. My counsel is always the same under these circumstances. If your sexual needs are as pressing as you say they are, then confront him in no uncertain terms. No beating around the bush, darlin’, it’s ultimatum time. Tell your partner that dragging his feet, or obstructing all together your efforts to solve your relationship problems signals to you that the relationship, at least as it is currently configured, is in desperate trouble.

As I’ve suggested earlier, you can tell him that there are several ways of keeping the relationship going without expecting he fulfill all or any of your sex needs if he’s gonna be fulfilling your intimacy needs. But living without sex in your life is a deal breaker. He needs to know that you are serious about the crisis that exists. Of course, if you do this you will have to follow through on the ultimatum. To do otherwise would tell him that you don’t believe your concerns are all that important either.

If you ask me, life is too short to be living with all that sexual frustration. Don’t tolerate the frustration make it work for you. Your sexual frustration could be the very thing that motivates you to create better your situation for yourself and possibly your old man too.

Good Luck

What do you think about sex work?

Ravishly invited me to contribute to an online conversation they are sponsoring on sex work.  They allowed me 500 words.

The Conversation is in the lower right-hand corner of their site.

ravishly

The question posed:

 

Is female sex work empowering or enslaving?

Current and former sex workers, a clinical sexologist (me), a lawyer, an author-activist and a community advocate debate the sex work industry.

My contribution is titled:  Sex Work Is!

I invite you to take a look at all the contributions and add your thoughts.

More SEX WISDOM With Katie Querna — Podcast #427 — 09/10/14


Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

As you remember from last week, this week marks the end of my podcasting career. I’ve done 427 shows in just under eight years and I’ve decided that’s plenty. While I am exceptionally proud of the quality programming I’ve brought to you, my international audience, it’s time to call it quits. But I’m happy to report, all my podcasts are archived right here on my site and they will remain so for the foreseeable feature. So I hope you will visit often.

For my last show I welcome back my good friend, colleague, social worker, and real life neighbor, Katie Querna for Part 2 of her appearance on this the SEX WISDOM show.IMG_6200

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of this conversation, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because, like I mentioned above, all my podcasts are archived here. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #426 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Katie and I discuss:

  • Sex pairings and sex role stereotyping;
  • Gayle Rubin’s “Charmed Circle”;
  • The disparity in access to reproductive and sexual health care for women and men;
  • Fear of sex and sexuality;
  • Children, teens, sex, and gender;
  • Learning is a lifelong process.

Katie invites you to visit her on her site HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes they will remain archived there as well. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

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SEX WISDOM With Katie Querna — Podcast #426 — 09/03/14

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

I have an important announcement before we begin. We are coming to an end of an era. This week and next marks the end of my career as a podcaster. I’m just a couple months short of my 8th anniversary of podcasting and I’ve decided that enough is enough.

The truth is, I have a bunch of other projects that I want to spend time on and I have only so much time to allocate; thus something had to give. I am exceptionally proud of the quality programming I’ve brought to you, my international audience. Over the last seven plus years I’ve presented a variety of extraordinarily informative, enriching and entertaining shows—interesting interviews, enlightening Q&A and even some fun adult product reviews. And, I’m happy to report, all my podcasts are archived here on my site and they will remain so for the foreseeable feature. So I hope you will visit often.

photo 4

Alrighty then; I want to go out with a bang, so to speak, so I’d like to introduce you to a remarkable woman who is just beginning her career in the field of human sexuality. And as you probably can guess, this is the SEX WISDOM show. This series has generally involved chats with learned colleagues well established in our field, but every now and again I had a hankerin’ to check in with those people who are just starting out in this field. I tell you, it reassures me no end to know that brilliant young folks are picking up the sex-positive banner and carrying it forward. And I am delighted to welcome one such person to my show today. I am delighted to introduce you to my good friend, colleague, and real life neighbor, Katie Querna.

Katie and I discuss:

  • The nature of our relationship;
  • The Columbia School of Social Work and The University of Washington School of Social Work;
  • Gender and sexuality studies;
  • Lifelong AIDS Alliance;
  • Designer vaginas;
  • Plastic surgery and self-worth;
  • Sensuality, sexuality, and intimacy;
  • Masculinity, intimacy, and the fear of the feminine;
  • Intuition, sensation, and perception vs. science.

Katie invites you to visit her on her site HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

More SEX WISDOM with PJ Raval — Podcast #422 — 06/23/14


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

Award winning filmmaker and documentarian, PJ Raval is back with us again today to continue our discussion of his PJ 01groundbreaking move, Before You Know It. Like last week, he’s here as part of the SEX WISDOM series because his film shines a spotlight on an often-ignored segment of our youth-oriented culture, LGBT seniors and elders. And the result is nothing short of stunning.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #420 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

PJ and I discuss:

  • Difficulties faced by LGBT seniors and elders;
  • His earlier film, Trinidad;
  • Dennis, his alter ego, Dee, and his coming out story;
  • Rainbow Vista;
  • Ty and his work with the Harlem chapter of SAGE;
  • Robert “The Mouth” and his Texan drag bar;
  • Intertwining the three stories for the greatest effect;
  • Collaborating with other artistic people;
  • Sex and aging;
  • Queer Bomb;
  • Christeene.

PJ invites you to visit him on his movie’s site HERE! And be sure to like his film’s page on Facebook HERE! His movie even has its own twitter feed. You’ll find it HERE!

(Click on the movie poster below to find out more about PJ’s movie.)

before you know it

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Fleshlight & FleshJack.

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