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Overcoming a Fear of Sex: A Step-By-Step Process

All phobias can be overcome with some effort. The same is true for conquering a fear of sex. Here, I walk a young gay man through his trepidation with anal sex. We take simple, easy to accomplish steps to build confidence and dispel his apprehensions.

I’m gay, I’m a virgin, and I think I may be afraid of sex. In all the porn I’ve seen, the bottom guy looks uncomfortable and in pain— why would I want that? I’ve only done anything sexual with one guy, and I was so anxious that I couldn’t even get it up. I liked the guy, he was hot, and I enjoyed all the foreplay type stuff, but I just couldn’t do anything else. Any advice on how to get over this?
Drew

First thing—don’t ever look to porn for your sex education; you’ll surely be misled. Second, that grimace you report seeing on the bottom’s face as he is being penetrated may be a grimace of pleasure, not pain. I think you may be projecting your own discomfort on the guys in the movies.

Let me tell you a little story. Recently I was strolling in the park with my dog. We were each, in our own way, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of nature in its glory. As we walked along, we encountered a father and son who were deeply involved in what appeared to be the boy’s first lesson in riding a bicycle—sans training wheels. Despite the father’s patient encouragement, the kid couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. He’d start out okay, but just as soon as his dad let go of the bike, it would begin to wobble and the boy would eventually crash. There were plenty of tears, a skinned knee, and the boy’s fear and anxiety were thick enough to cut with a knife.

The boy was convinced that he couldn’t ride on his own. His defeatism became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He finally gave up, sat down on a bench, his bike in a tangle at his feet, and refused his father’s pleading to give it another try. In his mind, the bike was the enemy; another attempt would only hurt and humiliate, and so the lesson ended.

What the kid lacked was self-confidence, a sense of adventure and probably more importantly—balance. I wish I’d had the opportunity to suggest to the boy and his dad that they try another ploy. I wanted to say, “Set the bike aside and work on that balance thing first.” This would surely increase the boy’s confidence, and it wouldn’t cost a blow to his ego or his knee—and it would be fun.

I’d have suggested the dad start by helping the kid walk on curb, balancing himself as he went. Then the dad could increase the challenge to include balancing on one foot, then the other. Once the kid discovered the power within him to accomplish these tasks, the bike could be reintroduced. The father would assist the boy in drawing upon his skill in balancing on the curb to master balancing on his bike.

The same will be true for you, Drew. Sex is nothing to be afraid of. Rather, it is a skill that one learns. Some, obviously, take to it quicker than others, but everyone can learn a happy, healthy sexual repertoire that will build self-esteem and bring great pleasure.

I want you to start exploring and enjoying your bottom on your own. Like the kid in the park, you need to acquaint yourself with the powers that lie within you. He needed to find a sense of balance; you need to find the Big Old Butt Pirate within.

Most all of the discomfort in anal sex is associated with your sphincter muscle trying to resist whatever it is being inserted. When this muscle resists to the point of spasming, things can become very painful. So here’s what I want you to do.

  • Before you start playing with your hole—relax. Take a relaxing shower, a warm bath, and/or try some deep breathing exercises to center yourself.
  • Have a ready supply of a water-based lube handy. Silicone-based lubes are swell for these exercises too. However, this type of lube isn’t recommended for use with a condom.
  • Start with a little self-pleasuring. Stroke your dick with your lubed hand and get into your happy place.
  • Gradually slather some of that lube on to your balls and taint. With legs open, find your hole and play with your rosebud. Gently massage the area around your asshole, but don’t slide your fingers in just yet. Simply get used to the sensations at the opening of your ass.
  • Let your play include the tip of your finger entering your ass.
    If you do this while you’re stroking your cock, you will find that your hole will actually open and invite your finger. That’s the great thing about pleasuring one part of your body while learning to pleasure another.
  • Once you are comfortable with your fingertip inside, try pushing it in further and move it around a little. Try pushing it and pulling it out of your ass. You know, like finger-fucking yourself.
  • Locate your prostate. (It shouldn’t be hard to find if you’re all horned up.) It will feel smooth and hard, like a flat stone. Give it a nice gentle massage. If you’re still stroking your wood, don’t be surprised if this prostate massage gets you to ejaculate. In fact, you will find that your prostate actually enlarges a bit and becomes more firm just as you are about to shoot. As you jizz, you’ll notice that your sphincter muscle will tighten around your finger and pulsate with each squirt.

Continue these self-pleasuring exercises until you’re comfortable inserting a couple fingers in your ass. Then try a small vibrating dildo. In no time at all, you will be ready to jump on your bike and ride…so to speak.

With these exercises behind you—no pun intended—the first time you actually fuck with a partner will be the incredible experience it is meant to be. If you encounter any discomfort, you’ll know what to do: deep breathing to relax and priming your hole with a lubed finger or two.

  • First, attend to your personal hygiene. Make sure you’re clean inside. This will help you avoid an unsightly and embarrassing mishap that might mess up the big event.
  • Remember to take it slow. There’s no rushing pleasure. Remember, you’ll be the one in charge of what goes in your ass, when, and for how long.
  • Warm up with some foreplay, kissing, sucking, licking, rimming, touching and massaging.
  • Have condoms and plenty of lube near at hand.
  • While you’re warming up, start loosening up your ass with your lubed fingers, just as you did in your self-pleasuring exercises.
  • Once you’re comfortable, offer your ass to your partner. Have him replace your fingers with his own. Try some finger-fucking first.
  • After you’re relaxed and loose, lie on your side with your partner behind you. Have him slowly push his cock against your rosebud.
  • Try pushing out like you are trying to take a dump. This will help open up your sphincter for his entry.
  • As he enters you, have him stop so that you can breathe deeply. Give your ass the time it needs to adjust to the new sensations. If there’s pain or discomfort have your partner reverse course and go back to finger fucking before you proceed.
  • Make sure that your partner knows that if you ask him to stop, he will stop. Trust is essential.
  • As he fills you with his dick he will hit your prostate. This will send waves of pleasure through your body and signal your sphincter to open for even more.
  • You may find that you’ll even want to push your ass back to meet and engulf his cock.

By the time this happens you will happily discover that you are riding your bike all by yourself.

Good luck!

Sex EDGE-U-cation With Blade Bannon — Podcast #280 – 05/23/11


Hey sex fans, welcome back!

The very talented Blade Bannon, erotic photographer, author and prominent kinkster, is back with us this week. This is Part 2 of our conversation about his life and work.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of his appearance on this show, which appeared here last week at this time, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #278 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Blade and I discuss:

  • His life in BDSM as a spiritual journey;
  • His leather family;
  • His approach to mentoring;
  • Starting out as a leather ”boy”;
  • The Dom and sub mindsets;
  • The recreational and cathartic aspects of BDSM;
  • Daddy/boy role-play.

Blade invites you to visit him on his site HERE!
And be sure to pick up a copy of his book HERE!

(Click on the thumbnails below to see a slideshow of some of Blade’s photography.)

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BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Sex Wisdom with Luc Wylder – Podcast #229 – 09/08/10

Hey sex fans,

The SEX WISDOM podcast series returns today with a bang. I have a remarkable guest on hand to speak to us about a wealth of topics, not least of which is his twenty-plus year career in porn. This podcast series, as you recall, brings us conversations with movers and shakers in the field of human sexuality — researchers, educators, clinicians, pundits and philosophers — all who are making news and reshaping how we look at our sexual selves.

If you know anything about pornography in general, and fetish porn in particular, you will immediately recognize the name Luc Wylder. He is a pioneer, a trendsetter, founder of the Fallen Angel brand, a performer, director and producer, the consummate male dominant and all-around wonderful guy.

I have to warn you though; today’s show is exceptionally long. It’s just that when Luc and I get to talking there is no stopping us. So kick back, put your feet up and settle in for an absorbing conversation that will provide you a unique historical perspective on the modern adult entertainment industry.

Luc and I discuss:

  • Being a pioneer in porn;
  • “The scene” in NYC in the mid 1970’s;
  • His filmography;
  • His film archive;
  • Deviant sex and the social fabric;
  • Being a parent/grandparent and being in porn;
  • Reality-based porn / the gonzo genre;
  • The diversity in his films;
  • My Dad’s Dirty Movies series;
  • Porn production and social responsibility;
  • Induction into the AVN Hall Of Fame;
  • The internet before .com;
  • The future of porn.

Luc invites you to visit him on his site HERE! And look for all his movies HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

 

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

 

Sex Wisdom with Andrew Epstein — Podcast #195 – 03/24/10

Hey sex fans,

This here is a SEX WISDOM podcast, don’t cha know. The series where we chat with researchers, educators, clinicians, pundits and philosophers who are making news and reshaping how we look at our sexual selves. And today I have something astonishing for you. What if I told you I could introduce you to someone who, through his photography, chronicled our cultural history for the better part of last half-century and is still doing so today? And since a huge part of our cultural history is our sex history, he is the ideal guest for this series.

My guest is none other than Andrew Epstein, photographer, artist, illustrator, art director and cultural raconteur. He is here to chat with us about his life’s work; the people he’s known (and loved) who have changed the course of our society. Among them; Richard Schmiechen, Edmond White, Teri Garr, Roger Ebert, Ann Landers Bette Midler, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert Mapplethorpe, Mary Kay Place, Ann Bannon, Grace Jones, Margo St. James, Jeff Bridges, Fred Halstead, Tom of Finland, Leonard Matlovich and Peter Allen. This conversation is not to be missed!

Andrew and I discuss:

Andrew invites you to visit him on his main site HERE! Or on his blog HERE!

Click on the thumbnail images below to see a slideshow of some of Andrew’s work.

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BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Modern Hooker – Podcast #124 – 05/20/09

Hey sex fans,

I have something truly extraordinary for you today.  As you know this Sex EDGE-U-cation podcast series brings you interviews and chats with prominent mh_marijuanaeducators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.

Today, we add to this chorus of voices one that is rarely heard in public.  I have the distinct pleasure of introducing you to my special guest.  She is a working girl; ya know a lady of the evening, a trollop, a whore, a street-walker, an escort, a courtesan, a pro, a ho, a prostitute, a hooker.  In fact, my guest is the one and only Modern Hooker.

She is an actual sex worker currently plying her trade here in the good old US of A.  But for obvious reasons, her true identity must remain hidden.  Despite that, her perspective is extremely valuable. Modern Hooker is also an activist, a poet, an educator, and the author of a kick-ass comic strip called, aptly enough, Modern Hooker.  She’s here to help us dispel some of the myths and misconceptions of sex work and she does so with a wicked sense of humor.  You don’t want to miss a moment of this, sex fans!

Modern Hooker and I discuss:

  • How she got into the business.
  • The sex workers rights movement.
  • Being an advocate/activist — SWOPUSA
  • Client oriented sex.
  • Her fetish clients.
  • The vast array of human sexual response.

Be sure to visit Modern Hooker at her fabulous blog HERE!   You can also find her brilliantly biting comic strip on CarnalNation HERE!

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