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Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me…

Name: John
Gender:  Male
Age: 16
Location: San Diego
My dick is kinda small.  I want to add 3-5 inches.  How do I do that?

Jeez, this is just about my least favorite topic of all.  I keep promising myself that I won’t small_cock1respond to anymore “how do I grow my dick bigger?” questions.  And then along comes a young pup, like you John, and asks the question again.  Here’s a tip, everything I have to say about cock enlargement schemes I’ve already said.  If you want to know my thoughts about this wearisome topic scroll use my site’s search function in the sidebar to your right.  Search with key words like “cock shape”, “cock size” and “jelqing”.  Once you read through all columns and listen to the podcasts you will have all the information you seek.

Here’s a bit of an overview of what you’ll find.  First, you’re not even completely through puberty yet, John.  So if you could just chill out for a couple more years till your growing spurt is complete, you might find that nature itself will resolve your issue for you.  If, by chance, you find that by your 18th birthday your cock is no bigger than it currently is, then it’s time to make your peace with your piece.  Because basically that’s the dick you’re gonna have to work with for the rest of your life.

In other words, you have about as much chance of growing a bigger dick than what your genetics has determined for you as you do growing your feet bigger or adding inches to your height or changing the color of your skin.  It’s simply not gonna happen.  There is no true way of safely increasing either the width or the length of your johnson, short of a small_cock3surgical intervention. And I never recommend that.

Just like there are ways to give the illusion of bigger feet, darker or lighter skin or being taller than you really are, there are things you can do to create the illusion that you’re growin’ yourself a bigger dick.  But all the creams, the jelqing, the pumps, the weights the what-have-you, will only have a short-term effect if they have any effect at all.  In the end you will have spent a whole lot of money, wasted a lot of time, been consumed with a great deal of anxiety and possibly even injured yourself to wind up having what you’ve always had and not significantly more.

May I suggest that you practice accepting what genetics has determined for you in terms of cock size and everything else.  Because that will give you more time and energy to learn how to use what you have to its greatest benefit.  Luckily, our capacity to be a good, and even great, lover has nothing to do with the size of our cock.  Anyone who tries to tell you different is pullin’ your leg.

Name: Laurel
Gender: female
Age: 42
Location: San Francisco
My best friend, someone I truly love, has been really getting into S&M lately.  Some weeks ago she told me she now has a full-time slave.  She says it’s a lifestyle thing, but I still don’t get it.  The problem I have is that this isn’t a private thing between her and this guy. She parades it around and treats him like a slave 24 hours a day.  I find this really disturbing and it’s like she does this just to annoy me.  My husband and I are complete equals in every way.  I can’t get comfortable watching my friend humiliate and degrade someone like this.  My friend says I should just quit being so uptight.  Is this really just a question of me being closed-minded?  Or is there something radically wrong with someone wanting to humiliate and degrade someone else?

How did your best friend’s lifestyle choices, whatever they might be, suddenly become all about you?  If you really cared for this person as much as you say you do, or better yet, as much as you care for yourself and your delicate sensitivities you’d try to look beyond your superficial appreciation of what’s going on with your friend and her slave.

fem-domYou say your problem with your friend is that she doesn’t keep her perversion private; rather she and her man slave “parade around” 24hr a day.  What, you’d prefer she be a dilettante kinkster? Hell I give her credit for taking this thing seriously.  So many others compartmentalize their lives — this is me for my family and friends — this is me for playmates — and this over here is my secret me.

As to your friend, I doubt that she gives a flying fuck if her public antics annoy you.  In fact, that may very well be why she does it.  Let’s try and look at this as dispassionately as possible.  Your friend, by being so public with her kink, has entered the realm of political and sexual theater.  That is not in any way meant to diminish her commitment to her lifestyle.  On the contrary, only someone who is totally into this would have the fortitude to constantly poke a finger in the eye of polite society.  She has a message for you and us. And I suspect that it has something to do with the unfortunate sex-role stereotyping and stultifying gender conventions that plague our buttoned down society.  But best you get that directly from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.

I have no way of knowing why your friend does what she does, but she belongs to a very long and venerable tradition of flying in the face of the popular culture.  Sure she risks being cut off by you and ostracized by others.  And that has to hurt on some level even for those way out on the fringe.  Like all political theatrics she draws you into her world, albeit as an unwilling participant. Humiliating her slave in front of squeamish folks, like you, who don’t share her kink is asking for more than tolerance that’s for sure.  One could make the case that her behavior is foolhardy and counterproductive.  What’s for certain is she’s walking a fine line between performance art and alienation.  In the end, Laurel, you may find that it is you who will need to set the boundaries.slave

And I don’t think this is simply a question of you being too up tight.  But I fear that you are using a conventional mindset to try and decipher these very interesting goings on.  That’s simply not gonna work.  Like I said earlier, she’s being this public about what most people, including yourself, think should be private because she wants to make a statement.  I suspect your conventional mindset doesn’t know what to make of consensual power-play, which is precisely what this is.

You point out that you would never humiliate your husband like this.  No kidding?  Of course you and hubby aren’t engaged in consensual power-play, are you?  Because if you were, you’d understand your friend a whole lot better, even if you still disapproved of her public performances.

If you find your friend’s lifestyle so disturbing, you could simply ask her to chill the scene when you’re around.  She may or may not comply.  Another solution might be that you ask her for some alone time, just she and you, without her slave.  Hell, even a slave get a day off from time to time.  Again she may or may not comply.  If no arrangement can be made, then perhaps it’s time to part ways.  Hopefully you guys could do that with as little acrimony as possible.  There’s no need to burn bridges over this.  Who knows this might be a phase she’s going through…ya know trying to show everyone how edgy she is.  In time she might very well find that the fringe is not all that comfortable and decide to keep her kink more to herself.

Name: Jack
Gender:
Age: 52
Location: Milwaukee
I’ve been dating this guy for over a year.  He is the love of my life.  I love him so much, but he treats me like shit.  I met him on vacation in Florida.  He’s 26 a stunning, 6’3” 200lbs, blond surfer Adonis.  And excuse me for being so graphic; he has the biggest dick I’d ever seen.  The first time we had sex I saw stars.  He filled me up like no other person has.
When I got home we exchanged emails nearly every day and even had some hot phone sex a couple of times.  He was down on his luck, because he lost his barista job for coming to work stoned too many times.  I know I shouldn’t have, but I invited him to come live with me.  I flew him up, but I told him that this wouldn’t be a free ride, he’d have to stop smoking so much dope and get a job and he agreed.
The sex was fantastic for the first couple of months, but once he established himself as a star at the gym he found his own friends and now I don’t see too much of him.  He eats my food and drinks my liquor and drives my car.  I pay for his cloths and gym membership.  He has yet to find a job.
I know I should just end it, but I love him and I would really miss the sex.  My friends ridicule me for thinking he loves me as much as I love him.  They tell me they know he sees other guys.  I’m so turned around I don’t know what to do.

Like my momma always used to say:  if it’s got wheels or a dick, you know you’re gonna have problems with it.  And I would add, if it’s got big wheels or a big dick you know you’re gonna have BIG problems with it.

Before we turn our attention to your no good boyfriend, let me make a few quick hot guyobservations about you.  You’re a freakin’ mess, girlfriend! I mean really, you’ve broken all the cardinal rules about dating a hustler.  I know, I can hear you now…oh no dr dick, he’s not a hustler; he’s a good kid who’s just down on his luck and I’m just trying to help.  Bullshit!

Ya see, that’s the first cardinal rule of dating a hustler is never lose sight of the fact that he’s a hustler and you’re his john.  Don’t get me wrong; I have the deepest admiration for hustlers and their johns.  It’s just that this arrangement only works if everyone is clear about the ground rules.   And here are the ground rules — rich older gentleman connects with needy younger hunky stud for mutual benefit.  Rich older gentleman keeps needy younger hunky stud in room and board, booze, cloths, car, gym membership and the like; and needy younger hunky stud buggers rich older gentleman senseless with his big blond surfer-boy dick.  Get it?  Got it?  Good!

Second cardinal rule — what happens on vacation should stay on vacation.  Vacation sex, as wonderful and delicious as it may be, does not transplant very well to your non-vacation life.  You’re more likely to have success transplanting a delicate tropical orchid to your Milwaukee backyard than transplanting a vacation hustler fuck to your work-a-day world back home.

Third cardinal rule —don’t try to gloss a perfectly fine, fully functional and even an affectionate hustler/john relationship with talk of love.  It’s unnecessary, unseemly and untrue.  It’s lust, it’s limerence, it’s love sickness, whatever…it’s just not love.  Because LOVE don’t ever make you feel as bad as you’re feelin’.  Probably your friends would have less difficulty with your mooning over this guy if you were more honest about the nature of this relationship.  They wouldn’t be rubbing your face in the evidence that surfer-boy is pluggin’ other dudes.

Fourth cardinal rule — a size queen, like you Jack, should admit that you are enamored with the guy hose and how it fills you up plain and simple.  To pretend that you would string yourself out like this for a guy with tiny meat is just that — pretense.  Listen, there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ a size queen, it’s the dishonesty I object to.

How is this young fella ever supposed to respect you when you don’t respect for yourself?  He probably had you pegged (no pun intended) back on the beach in the sunshine state. He knows you will tolerate his misbehavior, which of course gives him permission to do whatever he feels like doing whenever he feel like doing it.  And now he don’t even have to give up the occasional mercy fuck any more, even though that was surely part of the deal at the get go, right?

So the waif has yet to find a job after a year, huh?  Why is that not surprising?  But even a hustler needs his mad money, besides what is doled out to him by his long-suffering john.  I’d be willing to guess Mr. surfer dude is turning tricks to keep himself in weed and other essentials.

hot_guy2Thing is, this fellow probably would have treated you better if you would have just stuck to the hustler/john script.  Ya see, kids like this need structure.  He may have looked to you for this at one time, but when he realized that he had you cock-whipped, the teachable moment evaporated.  This lad is probably like most other boys with big dicks.  They learn early on that their cock gives them enormous power, because it is the object of desire for so many.  He soon discovered that you were no different than all the other men (and some women) in his life — only interested in owning a piece of his sizeable endowment.  And so he turned the tables on you.  You can hardly fault the guy.  You try to manipulate him with your money.  He outwits you and manipulates you with his dick.

If you’re really serious about reining in the little monkey, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate.  And it better be something more than “I expect you to bone my scrawny middle-aged ass on occasion.” Because, until you do, he will roam wherever and whenever he wants.

There are many root causes for his behavior, just like there are many root causes for your behavior.  But since I’m talking to you, not him, I suggest that you get to the bottom of all of this by investing a good deal of time and energy with a competent sex-positive therapist. There’s one thing I can say for certain, if the status quo continues your resentment will boil over one day and there will be violence, the kind of violence that you may not think yourself capable of now.  But violence there will be; you can bank on it!

Is there enough goodwill between the two of you to resolve this unfortunate situation amicably?  Who knows!  If I had to guess, I’d say there was a slim to no chance for that.  If that’s the case, I advise you pack him up and put him on the next plane south.  And no more relationships for you, particularly with unemployed young men with massive schlongs, till you get your head screwed on tighter.

Good Luck Ya’ll

Leanne Bell Returns — Podcast #154 — 09/21/09

Hey sex fans,

It’s the Equinox everybody!  The relentless march of time brings us yet another change in the seasons.  Isn’t it amazing?  It seems like the solstice was only a few weeks ago.  Well it’s autumn here in the northern hemisphere, and that’s my favorite season.  So I’m Pumpkins4Sale150_samplelooking forward to what’s to come.  I hope you feel the same.

As you know, last week I had the pleasure of introducing you to a superb photographer from Ontario Canada, Leanne Bell .  This is Part 2 of our chat for The Erotic Mind series. Where we converse with noted erotic artists of every stripe in an effort to uncover something of the creative process involved in this specialized art form.

If you somehow missed Part 1, there’s no need to worry.  You’ll just have to look for last week’s show, podcast #152.  And you can do that by using my site’s search function in the sidebar to your right.  Type in Podcast #152 and presto!  But don’t forget the # sign.

Leanne and I discuss:

  • Being a female photographer who shoots women.
  • The feedback she gets from her models.
  • Who is her audience.
  • The importance of the visual.
  • How she got her start as a photographer; as a photographer of nudes.
  • Shooting with her husband.
  • Where she finds her models.
  • The future of BodyInMind.com.

And for more of Leanne’s thoughts and vision, I encourage you to visit her website HERE.  And from there, you’ll be able to link through to her other sites, including the thought provoking: superbeauty.org

See a slideshow of some of Leanne’s work.  Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=44]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by:  Eden Fantasys.com.

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The Erotic Mind of Leanne Bell — Podcast #152 — 09/14/09

Hey sex fans,

Over the next two weeks, and in both of my podcast series on Mondays and Wednesdays, I helen_green_0027_samplewill be featuring two absolutely amazing women.  Both of these very talented women are taking a lead role in helping change our society’s perception of female sexuality and the gift of physical beauty.  And each is doing it from what might, at first glance, appear to be the polar opposite of the other.  I love my work!  You’ll just have to tune in on both days to see what I mean.

Today I have the honor of introducing you to an exquisite photographer from Ontario Canada.  We scrutinize The Erotic Mind of Leanne Bell.  She, along with her equally talented husband, Dwayne, takes the photography of women to a new level of simplicity and sophistication.  They unabashedly celebrate female physical beauty in the most extraordinary and riveting way.  It’s as if they dress their models in nudity.  You won’t want to miss a moment of this intriguing conversation.

Leanne and I discuss:

  • Her photography being both eye candy and mind candy.
  • The apparent contradiction of nudity and moral values.
  • The art of poising her models in everyday situations.
  • Nudity as an organic part of the photograph.
  • Cultural opposition to celebrating female physical beauty.
  • The gift of beauty and how it is often denigrated.

And for more of Leanne’s thoughts and vision, I encourage you to visit her website HERE.  And from there, you’ll be able to link through to her other sites, including the thought provoking: superbeauty.org

See a slideshow of some of Leanne’s work.  Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=43]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S  — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

Two Cute!

We have two more vibes from Synergy Erotic to tell you about.

We’ve reviewed a slew of their products since the beginning of the year.  Today we take a look at The Plasma Illuminate-Her Strobing Uber Balls and The Elite Silicone Wave.

Jack and Karen do the honors.

The Plasma Illuminate-Her Strobing Uber Balls $21.23

Jack & Karen

Karen:  “When last we had an opportunity to review some Synergy Erotic toys, we didn’t have such a good time.”
Jack:  “You can say that again!”
Karen:  “Happily, today is different.  While neither of these toys will rank among our favorites of the year they were fun novelties, for sure.”9972-83.JPG
Jack:  “First off we have The Plasma Illuminate-Her Strobing Uber Balls.  That’s a mouthful, huh?  What we have here is three hot pink plastic balls, about 3/4” in diameter attached to one another by a power cord that attaches to a pink power pack.  Got that?  Each ball contains a high-speed micro motor capable of spinning at thousands of RPM’s, which generates a high-frequency vibration.  The balls also contain a multi-color LED that flash in time with the vibration.  Can ya stand it?”
Karen:  “I know, I was like mesmerized once the  The Plasma Illuminate-Her got going.  Who thought of something like this, I wonder?
Not to get ahead of myself here, I installed 3 AAA batteries in the power pack (I had to use my own, because no batteries were included in the package). The power pack has an on/off button as well as an up button and a down button.  It has 7 various speeds”
Jack:  “The balls are waterproof and are meant, I suppose, to be inserted in one’s pussy or ass.  Please note:  the power pack is not waterproof!”
Karen:  “When cranked up to the highest level the ball are in a frenetic state.  They’re buzzin’ and flashin’, like nobody’s business.  Laying the balls astride my genitals — one at my taint, one at vagina and one on my clit blew me away.  When Jack got on top of me and ground his dick on top of the balls pushing them deeper into my skin I came in a minute.”
Jack:  “The vibration felt great on my dick too.”
Karen:  “I tried the The Plasma Illuminate-Her inside me too, but that wasn’t all that terrific.  Either the balls weren’t big enough or my vaginal walls are way too padded.  The vibration just got lost.”
Jack:  “Karen’s got the deepest and most cavernous pussy I ever did see.  It’s no wonder these little balls got lost in there.”

Full Review HERE!

Silicone Elite Wave $28.05

Jack:  “Next up is the Silicone Elite Wave.  This is a slim, stylishly designed — wavy — vibe that has 5 vibrating/pulsating functions.”
Karen:  “There’s a one-button control on the base of the vibe that turns the thing on and off as well as rotates through the pulsating functions.  I’m not a big fan of a one-button controller, but that’s just me.  The package claims the vibe is made of silicone, but one has to wonder what grade of silicone can be had for the price of this vibe?”9972-72
Jack:  “That’s true enough, but I’d rather have silicone of any grade than have something with a lot of Phthalate in it.  Wouldn’t you agree?”
Karen:  “I would agree.  And thank you for stating that.
I unscrewed the base of the vibe, installed 2 AAA batteries in the shaft (I had to use my own, because no batteries were included in the package). And switched it on.  It’s very quiet with surprisingly strong vibration for a little fella.”
Jack:  “Karen got to use it first on her own.  When we used it together, it was very effective.  Since it doesn’t have that traditional cock shape it will please more men when using it with their partner.  It’s also less obtrusive than a larger vibe.  And like Karen said, it has a nice punch to it, despite its size.”
Karen:  “My private play was wonderful.  The soft tip of the vibe was perfect for stimulating between my vaginal lips.  And it nuzzled my clit nicely too.”
Jack:  “I got to use the Silicone Elite Wave on my own too.  Since it’s waterproof, I took it in the shower with me.  I love squeezing one off in the shower, don’t you?  The vibe slipped up my ass so easily, just like when I finger myself when I’m yankin’ on my joint.  And I can tell you; even though this vibe isn’t much thicker than my finger, it does a much better job stimulating my prostate.”
Karen:  “Because we shared this toy, I’m grateful that it’s so easy to clean and disinfect.  Warm water and soap to clean, a 10% bleach solution to disinfect.”
Jack:  “I was all jazzed up about the Silicone Elite Wave, thinking I had found a mini treasure, when it was time to change out the batteries.  Apparently Karen and I ran the toy down in record time.  At any rate, I removed the base cap and discovered to my great disappointment that the batteries had become stuck in the shaft.  Dislodging the batteries meant that the thin copper wires on either side of the cylinder came out with the batteries.  DISAPPOINTED!”

Full Review HERE!

YOUNG and OLD

Hey sex fans,

More Q&A today with the bonus links to my HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY (see the VOD tab at the top of the page?) that will further educate or enrich the person who is asking the question.

Think of it as at HOMEWORK or further study on the topic at hand.  I hope all of you will benefit from this terrific instructional and enriching resource.  (Click on the images below for viewing information.)

Name: Ramish
Gender:  Male
Age: 19
Location: UK
I’m nervous about having sex?  I have been masturbating since I was 11, but I can’t work up the courage to try it with anyone else.  I don’t even know if I’m gay or straight.  How do I get over being so nervous?

Holy cow, that is nervous.  I suggest that you begin by taking stock of yourself — physically, emotionally and sexually.  I’m gonna ask you some questions and you can take all the time you need to ponder your answers.  Here’s a tip, write these down; and if you have difficulty answering any of them ask a buddy for his or her input.

What’s your best physical asset?  Do you think of yourself as attractive in a sexual sort of a122116_xlfway?  If not, what could you do to spruce things up a little?  Listen, the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more confident you’ll be in connecting with other for sex and relationships.  If you know yourself well enough to know your best assets, you’ll be able to put your best stuff forward, right?

What do you find sexually attractive about others — both women and men?  Chances are that if you haven’t already discovered if you are straight or gay, you might be bi.

When you masturbate, what goes through your head?  What are your sexual fantasies?  Do you fantasize about sexual situations with others?  Anything in particular?  Anyone in particular?

When you say you are nervous about sex; does that have to do with possible rejection?  Or is it more to do with performance — ya know, not knowing what to do once the situation arises, so to speak?  Is there anyone you feel safe enough with, a pal perhaps, you could talk this through with?  If you feel emotionally safe, or safe from potential shame and humiliation with this person, it might be easier to open up him or her.  Just remember, everyone’s been were you are at one point in his or her life.

Are you comfortable with being nude, at least by yourself?  Lots of people aren’t.  Are you able to admire yourself in the mirror without comparing yourself to the unrealistic expectations about the human body that comes to us from the popular culture? If you are not comfortable with being naked, think about the reasons why you’re not.  Again, if it’s body image issues, maybe you need to get in better shape, or just let go of your idealized notions about physical attractiveness.

a93626_xlfDo you know about contraception and sexually transmitted infections? If you don’t, you’re not ready to have sex with anyone else.  Do your homework.  Know what you need to ask a prospective partner in terms of contraception and STIs before an encounter.

OK, so you’re familiar with pleasuring yourself.  That’s a good start.  Would you know how to pleasure a partner?  If you’re not sure, I suggest that you do some research.  There are all kinds of instructional videos out there.  In fact, you’ll find just about everything you are looking for at DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

One thing to remember, the best sex is a mutually satisfying experience. You and your potential partners are different people, with different desires, interests, personality and fantasies. Despite everything you might learn from an instructional video, there is no substitute for asking your partner what he/she likes. You’ll need to be able to respond in kind too.  Being able to communicate your needs and desires is absolutely essential for a happy, fun-filled fuck.

Are you a good kisser?  Do you know how to touch someone else without it being an invitation to sex?  Do you know how to be affectionate, to be close and playful with someone simply for joy of it?  I always suggest to my young clients that they learn how to give a good back rub or foot massage.  Nonseductive touching is as important as knowing how to touch someone sexually.  It’s also how some of the best sex play begins.

Are you making yourself available for a sexual connection?  Nowadays the opportunities for connecting with others for companionship and/or sex abound.  You don’t have to be aggressive in your pursuit, but it ain’t gonna fall in your lap either.

What would it take for you to feel comfortable initiating sex?  This is, of course, the follow-up step to putting yourself out there.  I realize this can be a bit intimidating, but you’re gonna have to push through this, pup. Think about why initiating sex or accepting an invitation to be sexual is difficult for you.

Are you able to be a good friend?  The best sex is more than bumping parts.  It’s a full human-to-human connection.  If you know how to be a good friend, you’re more than half way there to being a good lover.  There are all kinds of sexual expression — romantic to the passionate even spiritual. Sex can be a cuddly and romantic, or it can be hot monkey love.a122404_xlf It can be tender as well as intense.  You ought to have the ability direct the flow, or at least go with it.

Do you have an adventuresome side to you?  Do you like a challenge?  Are you comfortable experimenting with one thing or another?  If you are, you will find these are all valuable assets in making sex happen for you.  There are still a whole lot of sex-negative messages out there in our society.  You’ll need to be strong enough to stand against these repressive currents and pursue your heart’s desire.

In the end, a good sex life takes effort.  It takes knowledge, practice and relationship skills.  A degree of personal openness and a sense of fun and adventure are also very helpful. Learning more about yourself and what makes you tick, will give you an advantage when the time is ready for you to partner up for sex.

Name: Walter
Gender:  Male
Age: 67
Location: Padre Island
I’m a recent widower, I haven’t dated in over 40 years.  I’m still very interested in sex, but things don’t work like they used to down there.  I had a comfortable life with my wife and performance was never an issue. Now that I’m on my own now, I’m afraid I will disappoint, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I do know what you mean.  Getting back into the swing of things after so many years on the shelf a daunting task.  If you layer on sexual performance issues…well the task becomes even harder, no pun intended.

a74931_xlfI know I don’t have to tell you this, but our bodies change as we age.  Our sexual response cycle changes too.  You are familiar with the four stages of the sexual response cycle, right?  In case you are not, they are — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution.  Despite the changes that aging brings, there’s no good reason why you shouldn’t be able to enjoy a happy, healthy sex life.  Of course, having a healthy mind-set about sex will also help.

A rich and full sex life, possibly even like the one you shared with your recently departed wife, will involve some patience and understanding and possibly some reprogramming of old ways of looking at sex.  For example, performance issues are only a problem if you are expecting something of your body that it cannot deliver.  And if you date within your age group, you’ll find that all your peers will be just as familiar as you with dwindling physical capacities.

So ok, it’s gonna take considerably longer to get a hardon at your age — that’s a given.  This just means you need to take your time, increase and focus the stimulation and while your cock is taking its sweet time to point skyward, enjoy all the sensual pleasures coming your way in the meantime.  That last part is really difficult for us aging men folk.  Sometimes we concentrate so fiercely on gettin our dick hard that we miss all the great pleasuring stuff that is happening all around us.

Once you get your boner goin, I suggest that you add a little stiffy insurance.  Wear a cockring. If you don’t know what that is, check out my Sex Toy Review Site. Use the search function; type in “cockring” and presto!  You’ll find all kinds of information on these helpful little buggers.

I know a number of older men, particularly those with high blood pressure, who are unable to take erection-enhancing meds like Viagra, who are turning to penis pumps to get their wood started.  Not sure what a penis pump is or does.  Well, time to do more online research at my Sex Toy Review Site.  Again, use the search function; type in “penis pump” and presto!  Loads of information about these helpful tools will appear.

I’m hoping that when you say that you and your wife “had a comfortable life” together, where performance was never an issue that you’re telling me that your sex life wasn’t all about getting it up and getting it off.  Sexual pleasure can come through all kinds of sex play — touching, talking, and being physically close, oral sex as well as full on fucking.  I’d be willing to guess that your future partners will appreciate you being a fully sensual lover, not just a sexual performer.

Remember the proverbial cum shot is not the same thing as an orgasm. Lots of seasoned older men are able to be orgasmic without a full erection or an ejaculation.  You may even find that you are capable of several very satisfying mini orgasms instead of the one BIG-O of years past.  I encourage you not to fall into the trap of equating sexual functioning with manliness; that’s a dead end.

a113017_xlfThis challenging new phase in your life, daunting as it might be, can also be an exciting adventure of self-discovery.  You basically have permission to re-imagine and redefine what type of sexual expression suits you best at this stage in your life.  One good way of testing the waters, so to speak is to start with self-pleasuring.  This is the perfect opportunity to experiment with sexual performance enhancing toys like a cockring, vibrator or a penis pump.  If you haven’t done so already, why not discover the pleasures of your ass.  Happily, you don’t need an erection to enjoy some good old-fashioned butt play; your prostate will do all the work.

You may discover you have new or yet unexplored interests in other sexual expressions like role-playing, kink, or maybe even same-sex partners.  Just because your earlier life may have been pretty straight and vanilla, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.  The more you know about your body and what turns you on, the more information you’ll be able to share with your partners.

Unabashedly sharing your newfound sexual experiences and interests with others will be the basis for your future partnered sexual expression. Know that other women and men of your age group are also rediscovering and reawakening their sexuality.  What a great joy it would be to explore the territory together.

I invite you to rekindle your natural curiosity about the wide range of human sexual expression. Take it slow. Learn to communicate effectively: share what makes you feel good with your partners and be sure to ask them what turns them on.  Don’t take yourself too seriously, and keep it playful.  And most of all, keep an open mind about all of this, will ya?

Good luck ya’ll

DDSTR

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