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BINGO!

Name: Wondering
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Location: US
Hello, I just discovered your loverly website just now and thought I would ask you a question that has been on my mind for a while. I seem to have a problem orgasming without stimulating my clitoris. I suppose that doesn’t really sound like a problem but it’s really starting to annoy me. I would like to be able to still enjoy an orgasm without having to stimulate my clit every time! I love having sex and it feels super duper good but why can’t I climax that way? I mean I am aware of where my G-spot is and my boyfriend said he’ll be focusing more on hitting it “spot” on. There’s also another thing I have noticed, sometimes my boyfriend will hit my cervix and it hurts a bit, but is this even normal? Should he even be able to hit it? Or is there something abnormal going on here?

Let’s see, when you say you “love having sex and it feels super duper good but why can’t I climax that way?” Are you referring to full-on cock in cooter fucking when you say, “having sex”? The reason I ask is that not everyone means the same thing when they use that trite euphemism.

Since you’re not here to fill in the blanks, so to speak. I’ll assume you want to know why you can’t or haven’t yet had a vaginal orgasm. Before I answer, I just want to say that I hope you are not setting up an orgasmic dichotomy where there doesn’t need to be one. That would truly be unwise.

Ok, now my answer. I can’t really say why your not climaxing while you’re fucking. Other than an exclusively vaginal centered orgasm is a myth. The vast majority of women don’t have vaginal orgasms. In fact the degree of insensitivity inside a woman’s vagina is so high that Kinsey wrote in his seminal work, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female published back in 1953: “Among the women who were tested in our gynecologic sample, less than 14% were at all conscious that they had been touched.” That’s pretty remarkable, wouldn’t you say?

The vaginal orgasm myth is perpetuated, in part, by many a woman’s confusion and/or lack of knowledge about their own anatomy. Some women believe that an orgasm felt during fucking is centered in their cooch. This suggests to me that they aren’t being precise in locating the center of that orgasm. Other women believe in the vaginal orgasm myth because they think they need to conform to a male oriented notion of female sexuality — insertion…fucking = cuming. And that’s wrong, don’t cha know. Just ask all the preorgasmic women out there.

But ya know what? I don’t own a pussy my own self. All I can tell you is what I have learned from those people who actually have a honeypot. The people I’m referring to, we’ll call them females, tell me vaginal orgasms, mythological or not, may simply be dependent on a tone of a woman’s pelvic musculature. As amazing as pussies are, and they are amazing, if the muscles that surround them are not taught and toned enough, a fucking generated orgasm may elude the owner of said pussy.

Some women haven’t developed their PC muscle enough to cum through fucking alone. Are you doing your kegels, Wondering? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I suggest that you have some serious remedial research to do. You could start by reading around my site and listen to podcasts that feature information on our pubococcygeus muscle and kegel exercises. Check out the CATEGORIES pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Scroll down till you see the main category — Sex Therapy.  Under that you will discover the subcategory — Kegels and PC muscle.

The elusive vaginal orgasm may also have to do with your partner’s cock, particularly the girth of his unit and opposed to its length. My women friends tell me that a thicker cock may have more of a chance triggering a vaginal orgasm then a pencil dick. No surprise there, I suppose. Position will also play a role. Why not give a bunch of different positions a try and see if they make a difference? You on top cowgirl style, or doggie style might work best. But it’s your coozie, my dear, and you ought to know it best.

As to your G-spot question. That’s another thing all together. I am so glad that you are familiar with your anatomy enough to have found your own personal G-spot. And it’s great to hear that you have an accommodating partner who is working on stimulating this sensitive area. Good for you both! However, while I wholeheartedly endorse and encourage your further investigations and sex play, I do have one caution. I share the concern of my women friends. We want you to avoid all the G-spot hype floating around in the popular culture these days. Most women have a good time with their G-spot exploration. They report that it is not particularly difficult to find, but it’s also much harder to pleasure. If a woman, you perhaps, gets it in your head that something amazing is supposed to happen with a G-spot stimulation, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. In the same way some women, you perhaps, set themselves up for disappointment if they buy into the myth of an exclusively vaginal generated orgasm.

I encourage you to see your genitals as a whole, not a bunch of separate parts that somehow work independently of one another. If your pussy is happy and your pussy is making you happy, is it really all that important how the happiness comes to be?

In comparison us men folk are not all that fussy. What gets us off; gets us off. I never hear from a guy who is disappointed because he’s having an exclusively prostate generated orgasm. They do happen to some men, but most of us aren’t the least bit concerned when they don’t happen to us. I also never hear from a guy who thinks he should be orgasmic through manipulation of his balls alone. That can happen too, but we’re not holding our breath for that.

What I do hear from guys is that we often need a particular kind of dick-oriented stimulation to get us off. And this is where the men folk and the women folk are much alike. You, like us, probably need a particular kind of stimulation to get you off. Be it vaginal, clitoral, G-spot, or whatever. If you acknowledge your genitals as a composite of parts that work together to bring you joy, then you’ll be less likely to be swayed by the claims, hype and misinformation about female sexual response.

Finally, regarding the issue of your boyfriend hitting your cervix. Yeah, that’ll hurt, don’t ‘cha know. I’d be willing to guess that he’s in the wrong position and being too athletic in his pumping when that happens. If he’s bumping your cervix, but you like the depth and athleticism of his manly thrusts, simply change position. That should remedy the problem.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

More SEX WISDOM With Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene — Podcast #327 — 04/04/12


Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Renowned sexologist and surrogate partner therapist, Dr Cheryl Cohen Greene is back with us today to dispense more of her signature SEX WISDOM. And if you thought last week’s show was marvelous, as so many of you did, you’re gonna love today’s show even more.

But wait; you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, did you? Well not to worry if you did, because you will find it and all of my shows in the podcast archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the site’s search function in the header, type in podcast #326 and Voilà! But don’t forget to use the #sign when you do your search.

Cheryl and I discuss:

  • The blind spots some therapists have regarding surrogate partner therapy;
  • IPSA surrogate training;
  • Recommending this work to others;
  • What she looks for in others considering a career as a surrogate partner;
  • Sex positions;
  • Sexual compulsions and obsessions;
  • Sex toys;
  • Keeping things interesting for couples in long-term relationships;
  • Who inspires her and her sexual heroes;
  • Advice for the aspiring sexologist.

 

Cheryl invites you to visit her on her site HERE! Find her on Facebook HERE and her noteworthy blog HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Libido Disparity, A Common Problem

Name: Chris
Gender: male
Age: 29
Location:
I’m 29 and I’ve been married for the last 3 years. I was seeing my wife for 5 years prior to being married so I guess it’s been a total of 8 years that we’ve been together. When we first got together everything was great the sex was outstanding ya know 69 all types of positions tons of oral, tons of foreplay and she had an orgasm every time. It seems that just in the last couple of years everything has dwindled away to the point where it’s her on top for a little bit, me on top for a little bit till I finish then we go back to the living room and hang out. Whenever I bring up the subject she gets very uncomfortable and won’t talk about it. And it’s really starting to freak me out in every aspect of our relationship. I love the girl, so I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m wondering if there’s any hope to get things back to the way they used to be that fresh hotness and spontaneity. How can I bring the heat back?

Like I always say, If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this same complaint from a frustrated and desperate man or woman trapped in an undersexed marriage, I’d have enough money to lay down my keyboard, give up my status as the most fabulous and revered sexpert in the universe and retire to Maui.

Despite the frequency of the grievance, it still breaks my heart to hear the despair. I mean it’s one thing to have the sexual connection between partners drift away by mutual consent. It’s another thing all together to have one partner dissolve the sexual connection unilaterally while leaving the other partner bewildered and disoriented.

And what gives with a partner who refuses to talk about why the sex has taken a nosedive? That is so wrong. I can understand not knowing exactly what to say about things goin’ south, or even how to say what may be on your mind, but to clam up all together, that’s just unfair. Suppose the problem had to do with finances instead of sex. What if one of you decided to start splurging on major purchases without consulting the other? There’d be hell to pay then, huh? There’d be no duckin’ out of the responsibility by clamin’ up in this instance, I’ll bet. But when it comes to sex, somehow the same rules for accountability don’t always apply. Why is that?

Sexuality is both a personal expression and a means of bonding with another. Thus sexual wellbeing in a relationship is way more than just the old in and out. It means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of relationship. Sex is a way of expressing one’s self as well as our love for the other. The confusion, unhappiness and anxiety that results from the breakdown of this fundamental tenet will, as you suggest Chris, spill over into and contaminate other areas of the relationship. But it doesn’t need to happen.

When I encounter this predicament in my counseling practice, I always build in some individual time with each partner even though the couple is there for “couples counseling.” I often get a much better sense of what’s causing the breakdown in these private sessions than I do when the couple and I work together as a threesome. Sometimes it’s easier for the individual to talk to me privately than to be open, honest and forthcoming about his/her feelings with his/her partner sitting right there.

My experience tells me that more often than not, a refusal to discuss sexual concerns has more to do with not knowing how to express oneself without hurting the feelings of the other. Sometimes an individual simply doesn’t know herself why things are different than they once were. Sometimes there are lifestyle issues at play — family concerns, work concerns, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol consumption, etc. Sometimes there are medical and psychological issues that impact on a person’s libido — weight gain, birth control, other pharmaceutical drugs, diabetes and depression to mention a few.

There’s also something we in the business call: “desire discrepancy disorder,” which is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying one partner has a stronger libido then the other. But often the simplest and most ordinary explanation is that the partnered sex has become stale, rote and boring.

Whatever the cause of the imbalance, it needs to be addressed as a couple. Once the couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

Ok, so your wife is reluctant to discuss the matter with you, Chris. That just means you’re gonna have to be proactive in bringing this issue to a head. And I’m not suggesting that you browbeat your wife about her unwillingness to talk about the issue. It’s gonna be all about you leading by example. Here’s what I suggest. Set up a time for you and your wife to have a sit-down. This needs to be scheduled in advance so that both of you know it’s coming. There ought be no surprises. This conference should not immediately follow sex, especially disappointing sex. Set aside at least 30 minutes when you guys are fresh and relaxed and then start preparing what you want to say. Take notes if necessary.

When the time comes for the sit down, I encourage you to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Begin by laying out how you feel and owing your feelings. “I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy.” Stay away from statements like “you make me feel…blah, blah, blah. These kinds of pronouncements will only muddy the waters. Then I suggest that you invite your wife to do the same. If she can’t, or won’t, move on to what steps you will take to get to the bottom of this. Something like, “I don’t want to continue the status quo. I’ve decided that I am going to seek some professional help for this. Maybe there’s something I’m missing. I can’t get to the bottom of this on my own, so maybe a sex therapist will help me understand what’s going on.” Again, invite her to join you in this effort. If she refuses or stalls out, move on to closing the discussion. You might say something like, “thank you for hearing me out on this. I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but I think our relationship is worth the effort to preserve it. And I’m actually gonna do something to make sure that we stay together. My invitation to you to join me in this effort will remain open.” End of discussion!

Of course, if you take this route, you will have to follow through on your commitment. If you don’t you will sabotage the whole damn thing, which will only make matters considerably worse. I encourage you to find a sex-positive therapist to work with. A good resource for this is The American College of Sexologists. Visit the directory page on their website. You will find listings for certified sexologists and sex therapists all over the world. If there is no one near you, contact the person closest to you and ask for a referral. Often my fellow ACS therapists and sexologists are very well connected to the broader sex-positive communities in their area.

You may also wish to consult me, even if you’re not here in Seattle. Check out the Therapy Available link in the header of my site for all the information you’ll need to make an enlightened decision about working with me.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for the path of least resistance. Your leadership might be just the thing your wife is looking for to muster her own strength to face the facts. Either way, the problem you are facing will not go away simply by ignoring it. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surely fuck things up royally.

Good luck

Cushion for the pushin’

Hey sex fans,

Welcome to another installment of Product Review Friday.

Today we feature a product from a new company; at least they’re new to us. Join us in welcoming the good people at Little Deeper to our review effort.

I love bringing you news of small, independent adult product companies. And if they are green and healthful, as is the Little Deeper, than that’s a huge plus in my book.

But don’t take my word for it, lets check in with Dr Dick Review Crew members, Ken & Denise, for their thoughts

Little Deeper —— $89.95

Ken & Denise
Denise: “This is our first posting of the new year and we have a wonderful product to tell you about. The Little Deeper is a practical, easy to use and easy to store cushion that makes partnered sex more fun and less strenuous.”
Ken: “In other words, the Little Deeper is sex furniture. We’ve reviewed a couple of other such products in the past; you can find those reviews HERE!  In fact, Denise and I had the dubious honor of reviewing one of them. And all I can say is, that product was horrible.”
Denise: “Yeah, I remember how frustrated we both were. I even hesitated when Dr Dick invited us to review the Little Deeper. I was afraid that we’d be disappointed again. But I am so glad that Dr Dick persisted, because I am happy to report that the Little Deeper is amazing. We love the fun play on words too.”
Ken: “It just goes to show you that really good things can come from a good company, one who is interested in health and wellbeing, not just cranking out junk for profit.”
Denise: “So you may be asking yourself, what exactly is the Little Deeper. Well, it’s an ergonomically shaped, sturdy foam cushion covered in a removable plush red polyester cover. And it comes in it’s own very smart black zip-up carrying case.”
Ken: “Let me quote from their promotional materials, because I couldn’t express it better. ‘This simple, nifty device lifts and supports a woman’s hips, positioning them in the perfect position for lovemaking. Using the Little Deeper, you can leave behind the toil and effort that can sometimes be associated with enduring sessions of lovemaking, and now perform various positions with more ease and comfort. The cushion is anatomically designed to fit all body types and sizes, and can result in increased pleasure for both partners. As the woman’s hips are tiled at an ideal angle for penetration, a man can plunge into her body more deeply, which means he can simultaneously stimulate her G-spot and give himself limitless access to pleasure. Ultimately, using the Little Deeper cushion can result in more intense, more long-lasting and even more frequent orgasms during vaginal, anal and oral lovemaking.’”
Denise: “What the promotional materials do not tell you is that the handy-dandy Little Deeper works equally well when Ken is on the bottom and I’m pegging the bejesus out of him.”
Ken: “TOTALLY! When Denise straps it on, I know I’m in for the ride of my life. To tell the truth, I think she’s a better top than me.”
Denise: “See how sweet you are, honey? I suppose I understand why all the images on the Little Deeper website show traditional heterosexual coupling. But I think they do themselves a disservice by doing only that. The Little Deeper is for everyone — gay boys and lesbians will love it too. I also think this cushion would be great for older lovers and the bigger-build people among us too.”
Ken: “You’ll never have to struggle with ordinary bed pillows to prop up your partner’s pelvis for a roll in the hay. And the best part is, this simple device leaves your hands free to further pleasure your partner. And it works with a variety of positions.”
Denise: “I want to return to something I said at the very beginning of this review, because it bears repeating. The Little Deeper is easy to store. We’ve seen some of the other sex cushions that are available in stores and online; they’re huge and unwieldy. And unless you have a designated playroom, where in the world would you store something like that? The Little Deeper, in its nondescript carrying case, fits easily and discreetly in our bedroom closet.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY

Finessing That Ass Fuck — A Tutorial For a Top

This tutorial is for anyone who is considering being a top, regardless of whether the meat injection is 100% prime, or a beef substitute (a strap-on dildo), these words of wisdom are for you.

What Ya Need To Know

Let’s get something clear right from the get-go. And this is for all you sticklers for semantics out there. The word “top” has several sexual connotations. There are of course BDSM tops, but generally they go by the moniker “dom”. And one can accurately say there a “top” in any sexual activity that involves an active and passive partner — such as cocksucking and watersports. But today’s lesson is for the active partner in butt sex. But you knew that already. Because all you had to do is read the title of this article to figure that out, huh?

Some folks just aren’t open to the idea of experimenting with their assholes. They think it’s gonna be painful, or worse, messy.

So first off, prospective tops, you don’t want to try buggering these folks. A good top should know it makes no sense at all to try to force or belittle an unwilling bottom to give up his or her rosebud. This is simply a waste of everyone’s time. Because if you do succeed in getting the unwilling bottom to relent, and the subsequent fucking attempt confirms the bottom’s earlier suspicions that this activity is indeed painful or gross or both, you’ll have won the skirmish, but lost the war. Remember, it takes two to tango.

Secondly. Before a top commences a fuck of any kind, they need to consider whose pleasure is primary in this particular fuck. There is a big difference between fucking for the top’s pleasure, for the bottom’s pleasure, or for mutual pleasure. For instance, if a top is trying to finesse a novice bottom into exploring ass fucking, that top needs to concentrate on the bottom’s pleasure first.

Start by getting the bottom comfortable being touched where the sun don’t shine. Lubricate your hand generously and massage the outside of their hole. Make some lazy little circles with your fingers and drive your bottom wild with desire. When their sphincter starts to quiver, as it surely will, slowly penetrate your bottom’s bottom with a lubricated fingertip. After a few minutes of just hanging out with your finger in there, you can begin to slowly slide your finger in and out. Be sure to take your time. Allow their muscles to adjust to being penetrated. You might want to incorporate a thin vibrating dildo and/or some expert rimming to pave the way for bigger things.

When a top fingers a bottom, they would do well, at this point, to reconsider the width of his dick or her strap-on. Once your bottom can take two fingers comfortably and three fingers with a minimum of discomfort, they’re ready to take a modest-sized cock or dildo. If you’re very well-endowed or you plan to strap on a monster dildo, you’d better adjust this finger-formula based on the width of your fingers and your equipment. And, you know, make sure your partner is aware of the girth of what awaits him or her.

A clean asshole is a fuckable asshole. Hygiene is essential for both tops and bottoms. Bottoms may wish to use a small bulb syringe and plain water to clean out a few hours before the event. And tops, once your cock or dildo has been inside your bottom’s ass, don’t go puttin’ that thang anywhere else until you’ve washed it down with soap and water. Carelessness in the hygiene department will only invite a very serious infection.

Making It Happen

Tops, be sure to use a good personal lube and have your favorite condoms within reach. Getting your bottom into the right position, one that is comfortable for both of you is paramount. There are way too many positions for me cover here, but when choosing a position, consider your preference, the bottom’s preference, your cock and/or dildo size, your body type and the bottom’s body type. You may find that a pillow or two positioned under your bottom’s pelvis will help support and prop up your bottom’s bottom in most positions.

Painful fucking is a sign that something is being done incorrectly. It is not a sign from God that ass fucking is wrong. In most cases, pain is due to a few predictable factors:

  • The bottom is too tense and is tightening up.
  • The top is being impatient and is pushing too hard too soon.
  • There may not be enough lubricant.
  • The cock or strap-on is too big for the bottom’s experience level.

Obviously, both people should be comfortable and feel pleasure from it. However, it’s perfectly fine, on occasion, to concentrate on one person’s pleasure over the pleasure of the other. Just make sure you both agree on whose pleasure is gonna be the focus of any given fuck.

Topping is a skill like any other. Practice will improve your technique. And while practicing, invite and listen to the feedback coming from your bottom.

The Top’s Handy-Dandy Tally Sheet

Ok, let’s review.

  1. Always use a lubricant. Both water-based and silicone- based lubricants are latex-compatible and highly recommended.
  2. Stop immediately if your partner asks you to stop. I’m not suggesting that you stop trying altogether; just don’t push yourself onto your bottom when he or she wants you to stop. Find the source of the problem—lubrication, position, whatever, resolve the problem, and resume the fuck.
  3. Take it slow. There is no need to rush, especially if you’re experimenting with anal sex for the first time.
  4. A bottom’s desire to be fucked will not insure pleasurable cornholing. It’s nice that he or she might want to surrender their ass, but that’s not gonna make it happen on its own.
  5. Always communicate with your bottom. Keep your communication playful and dirty. Tops, be open about what you want and how it’s feeling. “Oh baby, that’s right you’ve got such a tight hole. You want my big meat in your ass? Yes you do! Open up for daddy…or momma…as the case may be.” Get the picture?
  6. Spread the pleasure around. Keep your hands busy on the bottom’s clit or cock, at least initially. If the bottom can make the connection between the pleasure he/she is familiar with (cock or clit) with the new butt related sensations; then the battle has been won.

In Conclusion

Some experienced bottoms can orgasm with ass fucking alone. Women do so through pelvic muscle contractions and G-spot stimulation; men because of pressure applied to their prostate.

Oh, and here’s something you need to know. We all have two sphincter muscles. If you insert a finger about one half-inch into your ass and press your fingertip against the side you’ll find them both. There is less than a quarter-inch between them. The external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system, which means you can tense and relax this sphincter at will. The internal sphincter is quite different. This muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system making it involuntary. This muscle responds to fear and anxiety. It may cause your bottom’s hole to tense up automatically even if he or she is trying to relax.

Tops, remember the rectum is not straight. After the short anal canal that connects the asshole to the rectum, the rectum tilts toward the front of the body, sometimes as much as 90 degrees. That’s way some people are anatomically less suited to ass fucking.

Finally, the best attribute a top can have is his or her sense of humor about the whole friggin’ deal. Fucking ain’t as easy as it looks, at least not at first. But perseverance will carry the day.

Good luck!

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