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A Curiosity In His Pants

I’ve been having an interesting exchange with a young fellow in England. His name is Dean and he’s concerned about the way his dick looks. I share this with ya’ll for several reasons. First, it’s always good to have an opportunity to talk about the mysteries of the male member.

Second, it’s SOOO refreshing to discuss a concern other than dick size. —Holy cow guys, give me a freakin’ break with the “how do I make my cock bigger? questions. I’ve written and talked about this so much it’s makin’ me nutty. My definitive response to all such inquiries is here: Much Ado About Very Little!— Or you can search the categories on the left-hand side of this blog. Look for Big-dick Envy. If ever I change my mind about any of this, or discover a product, technique or device that really works, you’ll be the first to know. I promise!

Third, there are a lot of men out there who sport a curiously shaped cock and I want to give them some time and attention. Our friend Dean, here, is one such fellow, but he is surely not alone. I try to get to the bottom of this with him, but I don’t think I was overly successful. You be the judge.

— If there are other men in my audience who are similarly challenged, I’d love to hear from you. Maybe we could get a little discussion going. Write to me! —

Name: Dean
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Location: England
Hey! I am having difficulty with the appearance of my penis. When I watch porn, the guys on it have a different top part to mine. Mine’s rounded, and does not have a ‘slit’ or extra skin. Its just like a bent oval, stuck on a rod. Why?

Hey Dean,

This might be hypospadias, but I can’t be sure. If it is, it’s not particularly uncommon. But I can’t say for sure, because I can’t see, or picture in my mind’s eye, what you are describing. I don’t suppose you have a photo of your dickhead that you could send me, do you? The only way I could say for sure is if I could see what you’re describing for myself.

hypospadias.jpgWhat I can tell you is this. Hypospadias is a condition where a guy’s dick does not fully develop in the womb. As a result, the baby boy is born with a penis for sure, but the urethral opening is not at the tip of his dick. It is often on the underside of his dickhead or even somewhere on the bottom of the cock shaft. Sometimes other malformations are associated with hypospadias too, like a twisted shaft, a hooded foreskin, and/or an otherwise hooked appearance to the guy’s unit.

This condition has levels of severity, from the hardly noticeable to very obvious. Some children are born intersexed, and have ambiguous genitalia, which requires sexual reassignment surgery. But I’ll save that discussion for another time.

Some guys, particularly those with conspicuous hypospadias can develop a complex about their appearance. This in turn, impacts on their self-image and complicates their ability to form lasting sexual/partner/marriage relationships. Severe hypospadias can also interfere with procreation. Other men, perhaps those with less conspicuous or severe hypospadias show little to no concern for the appearance of their dick and live completely normal lives.

Some parents of children with mild hypospadias seek a surgical correction to the problem. I view this as a highly risky means to solve a less relatively innocuous cosmetic problem. There are men who were operated on as a child who now, as adults, resent the interference. Matters are often made worse rather than better. And of course, there’s always the risk of complications, infections and the like. There are, however, more serious cases of hypospadias that demand reconstruction. But I don’t think that’s what’s going on with you, Dean. If your dick issue is causing you anxiety or low self-esteem, help is available. Check out: The Hypospadias and Epispadias Association

Good luck

Unfortunately, I do not have a picture. However, description wise: It is about 5″ long. The rod part looks completely like other men, a tube with a thick ‘vein’ at the back. At the head, there is a bent oval shape slanted on the top of the rod shape. It only i on one side but covers both. it does not bend or anything, and does not have a slit in the middle like the diagrams on the URL’s shown in your previous email.

This is covered in skin (obviously! lol). At the top there is a little circle uncovered in skin. It is from there I wee and release cum. do u think it can be very late puberty?

However, something inside my penis (on my right hand side) occasionally starts to hurt when I wee. If I drink a lot of water (or something with water) for around 2 days, it decreases and then goes within a week. It doesn’t hurt otherwise. What’s happening?

Anyway, if there’s anything I can do please tell me! By the way, if I don’t get the operation done, and I have the disease will anything happen?

Thanks a lot for your help!

Luv Dean

Well, Dean I still can’t make heads or tails out of your written description. Any chance you could just cut to the chase and see a doctor about your concern. He’d be able to advise you much better than I, at this great distance.

I am concerned with your comment that your dick sometimes hurts when you pee. That oughtn’t be happening. You’ll definitely want to have a physician take a look on that account alone.

Finally, if your dick issue is truly hypospadias, it is not a disease. It’s a condition. And like I suggested above, I do not recommend reconstructive surgery except in the most severe cases.

Good luck

Hey! I have found a picture on google. Take a look. Mine looks like the first one. However, if you push the skin upwards, it reveals something that looks like the second. However, mine doesn’t like that. My skin covers my penis head, but there’s a little hole ‘cut out’ of it; from which I piss and release cum. What’s happening? — Dean

circumcised-vs-uncircumcised.jpgOnce again, darlin’, I simply can’t say with any certainty what’s happening with you. I appreciate you sending me this diagram, however. And I applaud you going the distance in searching the internet for something helpful.

Why not just take yourself to a doctor, or a free clinic, or even an STD/STI clinic and have someone tell you about your special dick. Once you get the 411 on this, get back to me ASAP. I’m dying to know what you discover.

That being said, I can tell you that if your cock looks like the first illustration, then it’s safe to say that you’re uncut. What you see when you retract your foreskin is still a mystery. Please, do us both a favor and have your johnson looked at by a professional. Once you have some clarity about what’s goin’ on with you, you’ll be able to share it with me and I can share it with everyone else.

Good luck

IM Distress Signals

When I first began writing this advice column, back in the Paleolithic era, most correspondence came via snail mail. Those were the days, huh? Email replaced letters as the dominant means of communication about 8 years ago, and so it remains today. Lately, there’s been yet another innovation — the Instant Messenger. Never fear, Dr Dick stands at the ready to console and advise even at cyber speed.
Instant messenger technology allows me to do something I’ve never been able to do before, save the whole shebang as a single document. This, dear readers, will provide you, as you will see below, an intimate vantage point to a crisis as it is being reveled.
What follows is an abridged version of an exchange I recently had with a good friend. This is someone I deeply respect and admire. However, my friend has been through a terrible lot this past year and the signs of stress are beginning to show. His judgment, generally razor sharp, is now clouded and he is consumed with self-doubt.

William: Hey Dick, I have a question. Do you know the current social standards surrounding marijuana use?

DD: Are there current standards? I didn’t get the memo.

William: Smart ass!
Let me put it a different way, is daily, long-term use of pot a sign of an addiction?

DD: Probably. Certainly designates one as a heavy user.
There is a simple test. Can/will the user go 48hrs without?

William: Here’s the deal, a guy I hang with smokes every time we get together. He says it relaxes him after a hard day. I told him I thought that was a rationalization. I don’t drink daily; so I have to deal with life as it presents itself, rough edges and all.

DD: I guess you told him, huh?

William: I know I can’t drink every day without it becoming a problem for me, but am wondering if pot smokers think daily usage is different than what I think about daily drinking?

DD: See my comments above.

William: My friend’s paternal grandfather was an alcoholic; his dad neverglory_hole_d29.jpg drank. My friend admits to doing 200 hits of acid in high school and crystal when first arriving in town 10 years ago. He claims he hasn’t done either for 7 years.
Trouble is my Dad was an angry alcoholic so this guy’s marijuana use triggers feelings of abandonment and flashbacks of abuse in me.

DD: Right about now you should be hearing yourself say out loud: “Whoops, where did I put my car keys? Gotta run! Call me when you get home from Betty Ford”

William: I confronted my friend about his pot consumption and he got all defensive. He countered with, “what am I supposed to do, not smoke while you’re around? He was already high when we had this exchange. He said I should have warned him about not smoking before he rolled the joint he just smoked.

DD: Wait a minute; he’s saying his drug “(ab)use” is now your issue? Why does this stink to high-heaven?
Here’s a tip; don’t be surprised when you confront a pot-head, while he’s ripped, about his habit and he gets, as you say, “all defensive”.
William, I’m pretty confident that was not a teachable moment, don’t you agree?

William: The problem is he’s generally stoned by the time we get together, so there’s no real good time to talk to him.
I even entertained the idea of smoking with him to get in the same mind set. Instead, I drank a half a bottle of wine. I realized later that both options were self-defeating.

DD: At least you’re clear on that. In this instance, sinking to the lowest common denominator is not a good idea.

William: Bottom line is I feel he needs to smoke to be around me.

DD: I suggest that he needs to smoke around everyone and everything, not just you.

William: I am thinking this is an indicator of his low-self esteem.

DD: You betcha! Aren’t all addictions?

William: Maybe I am projecting.

DD: What if you are? It doesn’t diminish the fact you called it right.

William: I also questioned what type of relationship we are forming if all our time together happens while he’s in an altered state.

DD: That’s easy, a codependent one!

William: I’ve been thinking, maybe he needs to smoke to have sex. Maybe that’s the only way he can cope with his guilt or shame. When he smokes he likes to top me. But when I top him, he’s a very passive. I told him what I like sexually, so he knows. But he doesn’t even try to please me. He doesn’t play with my nips when I top, which is the only way I can cum. When I bottom it’s simply out of desire for intimacy, it doesn’t do anything for me sexually.

DD: YIKES! Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Like my momma always used to say, “if it has four wheels or a dick you know you’re gonna have trouble with it.”

William: For example, when I realized I wasn’t going to get what I wantedmale_art2.jpg sexually the other night, I shut down. I got him off and he fell asleep.
He knows me well enough to know when I’m pissed. So the next time we were together, he asked if he had done something wrong. He’s a fuckin’ genius! He asked if he had been too passive as a bottom. Unfortunately, he was pretty stoned at this point, so I thought any further discussion would be fruitless.

DD: Again, YIKES! Any more red flags and this would be a Chinese New Year Parade, for christ sake!

William: If I dump him, am I throwing the baby out with the bath water?

DD: Darlin’, there is no baby in the bath water! There’s just a fucked up stoner dude who is taking you for a ride. He’s welcome to live his life as he so chooses. You, on the other hand, need to find someone a less fucked up.

William: I like him, he is smart, affectionate and we have the same analytical way of thinking.

DD: When he’s not stoned, ya mean.
Here’s a suggestion, why not keep him as a friend. Have dinner together occasionally, enjoy his sparkling conversation and then, quick as you can, get back in your car and go home.

William: He takes care of my physical needs, except sexually. There is, after all, more to a relationship than sex.

DD: EXCEPT SEXUALLY????? That’s like saying he takes care of your nutrition needs, except for the protein and carbohydrates. Sheesh!
You’re right, there is more to a healthy relationship than sex. But given that you are an intensely sexual man, why would you start a relationship with a deficit like this?

William: This is triggering my deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which I fully accept as my own shit. I want to please him, so I did not ask him to stop smoking around me. But I did tell him how “not present” he is to me when he smokes prior to sex.

DD: I am so amazed that you are bottoming for this dude. What’s up with that? You hate being a bottom. Listen darlin’, you are way too needy at this point to be looking to someone like this to even begin to meet your needs.

William: He said that he did not think his personality changed when he smokes. But yet he thinks people liked him better when he’s got a buzz on.

DD: Where did you find this guy? Does he live under a bridge?

William: Is this a glitch in a new relationship? Do you think I should hang in there during this adjustment period?

DD: This is scariest thing you’ve said up to this point.
GLITCH??? Are you serious? Does a stripped down, burnt out skeleton of a car on the what_a_ride.jpgside of the road, suggest to you that the owner is having a problem with his windshield wipers? Good lord, man, what can you be thinking?
What follows comes from the deepest recesses of my heart, William. I put this out there because you are my friend. The fellow you describe would be a handful for you if you were at your peak of your emotional and psychological powers. But even then, I’d suggest you avoid him like the plague.
But now, dear William, you are in crisis. You’ve had a terrible lot happen to you this past year. You are hanging on by a thread. I support and encourage all your efforts to find your balance in your life once again, because you are a good and resilient person.
I empathize with your desire to connect with someone who will love you, stand by you and care for you during this difficult time. This is decidedly not the time to be taking on dead weight.
Look to yourself, care for yourself, nurture yourself, love yourself, heal yourself. Come back to us refreshed and whole. Then, and only then, will you be able to take on a complete wreck of a project like this dude.
Count on me to walk through this with you. Thanks for letting me be part of your life. Remember, I’m only as far away as your Instant Messenger.

Over and Out!

Forbidden Fruit

What is it about things we’re not supposed to have, or even think about, that make these very things so tantalizing? In a sex-negative culture like our own, where sexual roles and gender expectations are so buttoned down, where so much of the vast array of healthy human sexual expression is proscribed, it’s no wonder we find ourselves denying who we are or turning ourselves inside out to avoid the conspicuous.

Doc,
Like I’m totally straight, right. But my roommate is gay. He’s hot and all with a great body and he’s this total sex addict. Sometimes I hear him pounding ass through the wall. When he’s drunk he tells me about the guys he’s fucking and it’s like all this really nasty stuff.
I’m like totally not into cock or anything, but I can’t help but wonder how it feels to touch one. I see my roommate naked all the time. He’s like this total exhibitionist. Sometimes he even has a piss hardon in the morning. Nasty! I don’t pay much attention, but I sometimes just want to reach out and grab his thing just to see what he would say. I just don’t want him to get the wrong idea. If my GF ever found out she’d freak. So do you think my roommate would mind if I copped a feel? It’s not like it isn’t already hanging out and stuff. Do you think he’d rat on me to my GF?
Curious

Curious,

Like you are so totally NOT straight, dude. You are like the biggest closeted flamer in the whole wide world. You’re just itching for the opportunity to smoke yourself some pole, but you can’t admit it. Like I’ll bet you totally jerk off while your hot roommate is pounding ass next door. And like I think your GF is this pathetic beard.

male_nude_below.jpgShe’s got her eye on you, don’t ‘cha know. She knows that if she turns her back for just one minute, you’ll be taking it up the poop-shoot before she can say “friend of Dorothy”.

Let’s face it; you want your GF to find out about your secret obsession. BTW, what kind of self-respecting straight chick dates a closet case like you anyway? I mean, like how could your roommate rat you out when everyone already has your number. Darlin’, when you find out you’re a homo, everyone will know.

Dude, like you are totally gonna grab your roommates package one of these days real soon, regardless of what I say or what he may think about you doing it. Like you are totally self-deluded about not caring that he walks around the house sporting a giant boner. And that shit you’re trying to feed me about being scandalized by his nasty exploits, that’s like totally obvious too, dude. Me thinks you doth protest too much.

If your roommate is a nice guy, and you aren’t the total skulking dweeb you appear to be. If you have the balls to come clean with your roommate about your true identity, and he’s hasn’t pounded any ass in the past 12 hours. If he’s feeling really generous, and you ask him real nice; Yes, I think there is a slim chance he’ll bone you big time. It will, of course, be a mercy fuck for sure, but at least you’ll finally know total bliss.

Like, totally go for it, dude. Sheesh!

Good luck

Hey Doctor,
I got more of a story than a question. I’m a gay. Kinda average looks, kinda big, kinda burly and I really dig sex. Problem is, cuz I don’t look like your typical fag, all gym buff and everything, I’m not gettin laid like I should. I’ve tried everything, online personals, internet chat rooms, phone hook up lines, everything. WTF?
While I’m online lookin for a hookup, I start to notice something that blows me away. There are a lot of queers lookin to hookup with straight guys. At first I’m thinkin, dudes this is fucked up. There’s all these queers out there, like me for example, who ain’t gettin their share and you wanna suck off a straight dude? Fuck!
Now I’m gettin all depressed. Ok, so then I try this little experiment. Next time I’m online, I post an ad like always, same stats same everything, only this time I say I’m straight. Damn if I don’t get hit up by a half dozen guys right away. Guys that wouldn’t have given me the time of day when I was “gay”.
I decide to go for it, like now I just want to see if I can pull this shit off. Guess what, I got the best sex I ever had. I turned guys away even. This is really messin with my head, but I’m gettin some really fine ass so I ain’t complaining…too much.
I decide to really get into this. I start sayin things like my girlfriend can’t suck dick for shit and I got this five day load of straight man spunk hold up for some faggot cocksucker. I can barely keep a straight face, no pun intended. I put this picture of my sister in a frame by my bed and tell all my tricks she’s my girlfriend. I’ve even got this chick at work to call me when some dude’s blowin me. She starts raggin on me like some real girlfriend and then she wants to know what that sound is in the background. This fuckin drives my trick wild, cuz he thinks he gettin authentic straight man dick. BTW, the chick from work thinks it’s a riot.
This works for sure. Fags are so gullible, it’s fuckin Incredible. But I worry cuz I want a boyfriend and this isn’t gonna get me one. Even if one of my tricks turns out to be the man of my dreams, I couldn’t respect him or trust him knowing he’s tryin to make straight guys.
Scott

What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive! All this just to get laid, Scott? Holy Cow!

While the good doctor is truly entertained by your delightful story, he is as depressedzebatlas2.jpg as you to learn the lengths a gay man has to go to these days to get another gay man to suck his cock. I don’t recall it being so convoluted in the past.

The good doctor also concurs with your statement that you’ll probably not find a BF this way. And I’d like to point out the obvious. What’s with this bullshit double standard you have? You say you couldn’t respect or trust any guy who is out trying to make straight guys. Yet you don’t call yourself on the mammoth deception you practice. Curious how we can point out the sliver in another man’s eye when while we still have a plank in our own.

You do, however, get extra points for your creativity. I love the touch of having the chick from work call you while you are in flagrante delicto. That’s beautiful. A+.

Good luck

Better Living Through Chemistry??

Better Living Through Chemistry??

Hmmm, maybe not so much anymore.

Nowadays it seems like the whole chemistry thing is actually impeding the better living concept. The epic proportion of crystal-meth addiction is just one indication that our relentless pursuit of “happiness” is actually making us really sick and miserable. However, crank is only one of the culprits.

Ya know, if each of us took the time, every now and again, and check in with our body, we’d discover that it has a lot to say. It tells us when we are tired. It lets us know when we are hungry. (That is, if we’re not so fucked up we can’t think straight.) And given the chance, our body will also tell us when we’ve had too much (even of a good thing). Besides making us look and act like idiots, excessive drug and alcohol consumption also short-circuits this important flow of information from our body to our mind. This has dire consequences for our wellbeing and the wellbeing of those around us.

Dr. Dick,
My partner and I use poppers during sex and have been doing so for the past few months. Recently, I have been having pain in my gums and teeth. I read that the use of “heart medications”, like poppers’, can bring on these symptoms. I wasn’t concerned at first until I realized that I experienced the same symptoms once before when we were using poppers on a daily basis. The pains stopped after the poppers did. Now we’re using them again and the symptoms are back. Could the poppers actually be causing the pain in my teeth and gums?
Ken

Dear Ken,

This isn’t rocket science, darling. If you can put 2 and 2 together and come up with a plausible 4, shouldn’t that lead you to a probable conclusion?

Come on, you’re doin’ way too much poppers and you know it. Maybe it’s a lucky thingamst150.jpg that your teeth and gums are alerting you to your excess. But, hey, if you choose not to heed your body’s signals then you must be brain dead.

If you use a stimulant every time you have sex, you run the risk of desensitizing your body to the natural “high” that sexual activity provides us. You short-circuit or over-ride your body’s own pleasure producing hormones — endorphins. You also alter, and not for the better, your natural sexual response cycle. These are real concerns that are rarely spoken about when popper use and health risks are discussed. There is the real danger of altering your sexual response cycle to the point that you will never be able to enjoy sex without a stimulant. This is already an epidemic among those who use crystal-meth.

Stop now.

Good luck

Dear Dr. Dick
I have been in a relationship with this guy…he is 43 and I am 50. He admits that he is an alcoholic and I knew that when this relationship started a little over two years ago. The problem now is that I am having a hard time handling his “slips” and his mood swings which pushes all my wrong buttons all the time, lately. Do you think or advise that we end this relationship? Maybe we both need new partners. It is not that I don’t love him….I do. But I am tired of the same pattern…and I don’t think that I am ready to be any more patient then I already have been. Please help me in making a decision. Also, I have been recently diagnosed with HIV and will be starting my meds regime shortly…therefore sex has been rare if not absent. That may be another problem.
Confused and Hurt

Dear C&H,

Sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind about the destructive nature of your relationship with your alcoholic partner. Do you just need someone to ratify your newcube1fff.jpgfeelings, or give you permission to do the thing you know you must do? If so, I happily provide both.

You know you shouldn’t be in this relationship and I know you shouldn’t be in this relationship. So what are you gonna do about it? Get out before it destroys you too. It’s obvious that there will be one casualty in this relationship, your partner. There doesn’t need to be two.

Your partner needs help and he’ll never get it if you continue to facilitate his self-destructive behaviors. If he doesn’t reach out to get some help, he’s sending you a message that the booze is more important to him than you are. This is not love, so I suggest you not call it that. It may be some kind of obsession, but it is definitely not love.

Whatever it is, let it go.

Good luck

Doc,
I got a question for you. One of my fuck buddies gets a small rash around his piss slit. It flares up every couple of months and stays for about a week. He says it itches like hell, but it feels good when he pisses or cums. The skin around his slit gets very rough the peals of. What could be the problem and is it dangerous?

P.S. please keep my name secret because if he finds out I told someone, his feelings will be hurt. I think he is scared he my have a STD.

Well then, we’ll just have to keep your little secret, won’t we?3f68.jpg

Listen, my friend, if I were you I’d encourage my fuck buddy to see a doctor right away. STDs (or more properly, Sexually Transmitted Infections) aside, inflammation and itching, particularly the kind you describe, are always signs of a serious dermatological disturbance. Medical issues like this, especially if they reoccur, should not be taken lightly. His body is trying to get his attention, for christ sake. What is he waiting for, a neon sign?

At the very least, left untreated, something like this could develop into a really serious infection and your friend could lose his dick altogether. No time to lose, pup, have him get this looked at right away.

Good luck

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