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A potpourri of poignant problems

Name: Catherine Joanne
Gender: Female
Age: 42
Location: Canada, Alberta
I am in a very loving, understanding, compassionate relationship, which I have been waiting for for some time now. The only thing is he stimulates my emotional side in every way, but in the bedroom he is not as sexual as previous partners I have encountered. I do not know if this is because all my previous relationships have always been about the “sex” and fizzled out, shortly there after, or this is how a “real love thing truly is?” If so, how can I mentally get over this one…he’s just not inventive, or has a lack of sexual knowledge. I don’t want to end this loving relationship over the bed issue. Please help me out on this one, so I do not sabotage this relationship. Sincerely, Catherine

Like my momma always used to say, if it has four wheels or a dick, you know you’re gonna have trouble with it. Listen darlin’, if this guy satisfies as much as you say, hold on to him. He’s a keeper.

You can always teach the old dog some new tricks. Of course, you’re gonna have to take the lead in his sex ed. Let’s just hope he’s not threatened by a woman who is more sexually experienced, adventurous and progressive than he is.

That being said, I think you ought to make your peace with the fact that he’ll probably never become a wild fuck. But then again, you probably don’t want that, because those wild fucks don’t make for loving, understanding and compassionate partners…as you already know.

Just remember: It’s as hard to domesticate a wild fuck, as it is to make a domestic fuck — wild!

Good luck

Name: Jamie
Gender: Female
Age: 28
Location: Georgia
Lately when me and my boyfriend have sex, he’s been pulling out because he says his dick burns. WHY IS HE HAVING THAT PROBLEM?

What you got goin’ on in your pussy, girl? Nothing about a healthy cunt is gonna irritate a guy’s dong. SEE YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY!

Hey wait a minute! Maybe he’s the one with the problem. Maybe he has some kind of a skin irritation or rash or something. And his willie is gettin irritated inside you. HE OUGHTA SEE HIS DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY!

Say, have you seen his dick up close and in good light lately…ever? I am painfully aware that lots of couples never see one another fully naked even when their doin’ the nasty. This is not a good practice. You should not only know all about your own pussy and how to keep it in perfect working order, but you should have some working knowledge of how a healthy cock looks and operates. If you’re not clear on this you have some homework to do.

And what the fuck are you two doin screwin’ around without using a condom? Are you on the pill? You’d better be. Cuz if you ain’t ya’ll are gonna have a whole lot more to worry about than cock burns, if ya catch my drift.

Good luck

Name: Chris P.
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Montgomery AL
Can it be unhealthy to deliberately avoid male ejaculation for long periods of time? Months, Years? Is it practiced maybe by religious? Can it be done?

Yes, it can be done. And no, it’s not necessarily an unhealthy practice! Some people practice total sexual abstinence for their entire adult life. Some of these people do so for religious reasons, others simply because they aren’t particularly interested in sex. Either way, there’s no real evidence that this practice is injurious to one’s health. What I can say for sure is that if one chooses or embraces sexual abstinence as a means to a higher goal, it is virtuous. If abstinence is mandated or practiced out of fear or repression, there is no virtue.

That being said, I do want to remind you of something I’ve written about a lot recently. It concerns the groundbreaking research on the connection between masturbation and prostate cancer. Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 men who had not, about their sexual habits. They found those who ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were least likely to develop prostate cancer.

The protective effect of frequent ejaculations was greatest when the men were in their 20’s. Get this; men who ejaculated more than five times a week were one third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. Kind of amazing, huh?

I think you should also know that even if you don’t purposely ejaculate, like through jerkin off or partnered sex, your body still needs to rid itself of old stale semen in another way. Think of it like this, when your bladder gets full you take a wiz. When your prostate and seminal vesicles get full you take a jizz. It’s as simple and natural as all that. If you don’t relieve yourself of your joy juice on your own, your body will rid itself of your old spooge in a wet dream, or it will flush it out of your system in your urine. It’s like if you didn’t relieve yourself when your bladder got full, you’d piss anyhow, only it wouldn’t be able to properly direct it. Get it? Got it? Good!

Good luck

Splish-Splash

I don’t know what to attribute this too, but in the last three weeks I’ve received no less than six anonymous messages from people asking about watersports. Some are into it; some are horrified. One person was looking for a way to entice his partner into piss play. Here’s an example of the kind of messages I’m receiving.

Name: Paul
Gender: male
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
I hope this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten this kind of question but I’ve recently discovered that I have a urine fetish. And I guess what I want to know is if among gay men I am in a minority or what? Do you know of other guys out there who share my fetish? Also I’m in a relationship and I don’t think my boyfriend shares my interests so I was wondering if you might have some ideas on how to break the news to him. Thanks a lot.

A urine fetish, huh? Ok! Are you talking about what those in the know call watersports or golden showers? I think you’re telling me you like to play with your pee, or the pee of other folks, right?

Oh my god, this is like a totally popular fetish, and not just common among the gays, don’t cha know. I’m surprised that you haven’t encountered it in loads other people before now. Folks of every sexual stripe and persuasion are known to enjoy piss play. There’s even a scientific name for it: urophilia. Doesn’t that sound fun? Honey, guess what? I’m a urophiliac and you can be one too!

Hell, this is such a popular fetish that it has a full subset of associated fetishes. There are clothes wetting, bed-wetting and diaper fetishes, urinal fetishes and for the BDSM crowd there are humiliation scenes and bladder control scenes just to name a few.

Historically speaking, people have been drinking their own urine as an alternative medicine for as long as…well, as long as there’s been pee to drink. Bathing in urine is also very common in some cultures.

Curiously enough, watersports is not necessarily always a sexual fetish, although it can be sexual in nature. Activities where piss is taken internally (swallowed or received anally or vaginally) can be risky. The pee-ee will no doubt ingest any and all un-metabolized drugs — pharmaceutical as well as recreational — which were consumed by the pee-er. In some societies and in some situations, this is the actual intent — for example intensifying and prolonging the effects of a hallucinogenic drug.

Prospective pee drinkers should be aware that there are a few drugs that pass through the body either partly unchanged or entirely unchanged, like those nasty amphetamines and their derivatives. So it’s all together possible to get really high from drinking a druggie’s piss.

Finally, how do you come out as a pee-queen to your boyfriend? I’m of the mind that the direct approach works best. There’s less room for misunderstandings. You could come right out and ask him for what you want. Darling, meet me in the bathroom. I want to show you something really festive and entertaining. I mean, what homo’s not gonna fall for that?

A less assertive way would be to visit several golden shower oriented websites, they abound on the internet, ya know. Leave the page open for the BF to find. That will surely stir things up. And unless he’s as dense as a post, he’ll begin to get the message. You could also “accidentally” download a watersports video. That would, no doubt, open the desired discussion. “Holy cow honey, look what I got up by mistake. You wanna watch it? Isn’t this hot? Oh my god, I think I just wet my pants. Wanna see?”

Good luck.

Forbidden Fruit Redo

And now, by request, a popular column I wrote several years ago. This is for you, Armand.

What is it about things we’re not supposed to have, or even think about, that make them so tantalizing? In a sex-negative culture like our own, where sexual roles and gender expectations are so buttoned down, where much of the vast array of healthy human sexual expression is proscribed. It’s no wonder we often feel compelled to deny who we are or turn ourselves inside out to avoid the conspicuous. Two correspondents come immediately to mind.

Doc,
Like I’m totally straight, right. But my roommate is gay. He’s hot and all with a great body and he’s this total sex addict. Sometimes I hear him pounding ass through the wall. When he’s drunk he tells me about the guys he’s fucking and it’s like all this really nasty stuff.
I’m like totally not into cock or anything, but I can’t help but wonder how it would feel to touch one. I see my roommate naked all the time. He’s like this total exhibitionist. Sometimes he even has a piss hardon in the morning. Nasty!
I don’t pay much attention, but I sometimes just want to reach out and grab his thing just to see what he would say. I just don’t want him to get the wrong idea. If my GF ever found out she’d freak. So do you think my roommate would mind if I copped a feel? It’s not like it isn’t already hanging out and stuff. Do you think he’d rat on me to my GF?
— Curious

Like you are so totally NOT straight, dude. You are like the biggest closeted flamer in the whole wide world. You’re just itching for the opportunity to smoke yourself some pole, but you can’t admit it. Hmmm, sounds like several prominent Republicans I know…but I digress.

Like I’ll bet you totally jerk off while your hot roommate is pounding ass next door. And I think your GF is this pathetic beard too.

She’s got her eye on you, don’t ‘cha know. She knows that if she turns her back for just one minute, you’d be taking it up the poop-shoot before she can say “Friend of Dorothy”.

Let’s face it; you want your GF to find out about your secret obsession. BTW, what kind of self-respecting straight chick dates a closet case like you anyway? I mean, like how could your roommate rat you out when everyone already has your number? Darlin’, when you find out you’re a big fat homo, everyone will know.

Dude, like you are totally gonna grab your roommates package one of these days real soon, regardless of what I say or what he may think about you doing it. Like you are totally self-deluded about not caring that he walks around the house sporting a giant boner. And that shit you’re trying to feed me about being scandalized by his nasty exploits, that’s like totally obvious too. Me thinks you doth protest too much.

Listen up! If your roommate is a nice guy, and you aren’t the total skulking dweeb you appear to be. And if you have the balls to come clean with your roommate about your true identity. And he’s hasn’t pounded any ass in the past 12 hours. And if he’s feeling really generous, and you ask him real nice; Yes, I think there is a slim chance he’ll bone you big time. It will, of course, be a mercy fuck for sure, but at least you’ll finally know total bliss.

Like, totally go for it, dude. Sheesh!

These postings are brought to you by


And then there’s this…

Hey Doctor Dick,
I got more of a story than a question. I’m a gay. Kinda average looks, kinda big, kinda burly and I really dig sex. Problem is, cuz I don’t look like your typical fag, all gym buff and everything, I’m not gettin laid like I should. I’ve tried everything, online personals, internet chat rooms, phone hook up lines, everything. WTF?
While I’m online lookin for a hookup, I start to notice something that blows me away. There are a lot of queers lookin to hookup with straight guys. At first I’m thinkin, dudes this is fucked up. There are all these homos out there, like me for example, who ain’t gettin their share and you wanna suck off a straight dude? Fuck!
Now I’m gettin all depressed. Ok, so then I try this little experiment. Next time I’m online, I post an ad like always, same stats same everything, only this time I say I’m straight. Damn if I don’t get hit up by a half dozen guys right away. Guys that wouldn’t have given me the time of day when I was “gay”.
I decide to go for it, like now I just want to see if I can pull this shit off. Guess what, I got the best sex I ever had. I turned guys away even. This is really messin with my head, but I’m gettin some really fine ass so I ain’t complaining…too much.
I decide to really get into this. I start sayin things like my girlfriend can’t suck dick for shit and I got this five day load of straight man spunk hold up for some faggot cocksucker. I can barely keep a straight face, no pun intended.
I put this picture of my sister in a frame by my bed and tell all my tricks she’s my girlfriend. I’ve even got this chick at work to join in the fun and call me when some dude’s blowin me. I have her start raggin’ on me like some real girlfriend and then she wants to know what that sound is in the background. This fuckin drives my trick wild, cuz he thinks he gettin authentic straight man dick. BTW, the chick from work thinks it’s a riot.
This works for sure. Fags are so gullible, it’s fuckin Incredible. But I worry cuz I want a boyfriend and this isn’t gonna get me one. Even if one of my tricks turns out to be the man of my dreams, I couldn’t respect him or trust him knowing he’s tryin to make straight guys.
— Scott

What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive! All this just to get laid, Scott? Holy Cow!

While the good doctor is truly entertained by your delightful story, he is as depressed as you to learn the lengths a gay man has to go to these days just to get another gay man to suck his dick. I don’t recall it being so convoluted when I was a younger man.

The good doctor also concurs with your statement that you’ll probably not find a BF this way. And I’d like to point out the obvious. What’s with this bullshit double standard you have? You say you couldn’t respect or trust any guy who is out trying to make straight guys. Yet you don’t call yourself on the mammoth deception you practice. Curious how we can point out the sliver in another man’s eye when while we still have a plank in our own.

You do, however, get extra points for your creativity. I love the touch of having the chick from work call you while you are in flagrante delicto. That’s beautiful. A+.

Good luck

A Fall From Grace

Hey sex fans!

This is a first for us, The Dr Dick Review Crew. We are compelled to post these follow up comments for the once lauded Lussuria Rechargeable Vibrator by Vida.

Kevin and Gina, the couple that gave the Lussuria such a glowing review and insisted that it be among our top products of 2010  contacted me in mid January to say that their unit was malfunctioning. (See their original review HERE.)

Kevin and Gina went on to explain that, on three separate occasions, the Lussuria vibe turned itself on. They recounted the story of hearing this really weird sound; a sound unfamiliar to both of them. Their dog, Laddie, was also going nuts. Finally, they tracked down the sound only to discover the Lussuria had turned itself on inside their bedside drawer. It was making a very odd sound indeed; vibrating against the wood of the closed drawer.

Kevin and Gina had a laugh and thought nothing more of it. That is until it till it happened again and then again. The final time happened in the middle of the night and it scared the bejesus out of them both as well as their dog. They got so pissed off, this last time, that they wrapped the defective toy in a towel and hide it in the dark recesses of their garage. They basically just let the vibe depleted its charge.

The following week they brought the lifeless vibe to me and ask me if I could get them a replacement.

I immediately put out an SOS email to my contact at Topco Sales, the giant multinational corporation that owns the Vida brand. I waited a whole week for a response, but none came. The following week I called my contact at Topco Sales. I asked her if she got my email. She said she did. She said she was sorry to hear we were having problems and invited me to send back the toy for a replacement. I said, “fine!” She said she’d send me instructions on how to return the unit along with prepaid shipping. That never happened.

So, on top of having a very expensive, yet defective toy on our hands, {which we can only assume carries a fatal design flaw} we also get stiffed by the inattentive and dismissive Topco Sales people. That sucks, and not in a good way.

As a result, we’ve removed the Lussuria from our Best Products of 2010 list and added this warning to the original review. We advise our loyal followers to avoid the Lussuria like the plague. A truly monumental fall from grace!

The Dr Dick Review Crew and I can only conclude that this is what comes from a toy company that grow so huge that even a slew of bad press doesn’t effect them; a cautionary tale for all toy manufactures. And that, my friends, is a crying shame.

Super-Size Me

Hey sex fans!

It’s Product Review Friday again and I have a unique presentation for you today. Many months ago our friends at sex toy.com sent me a penis enlargement kit called Andro Penis and asked me to review it. This would certainly be a daunting task because it would take at several months of devoted use to effectively test this product. I would also have to find a willing Dr Dick Review Crew member to join me in this effort.

I put out an SOS message to all the men on the Review Crew asking for volunteers. I explained the extraordinary commitment this review would take. And asked if there might be at least one Review Crew member stalwart enough to subject himself and his cock to at least sixteen weeks of traction in the Andro Penis. You see, this instrument is placed over the penis and worn for four or nine hours a day for four to six months.

Not surprisingly, I got only one positive reply from my inquiry. Dr Dick Review Crew member, Carlos, said he’d be up to the task; all in the name of science and possibly a bigger dick.

Andro Penis —— $203.06

Dr Dick & Carlos
Dr Dick: “Before Carlos and I begin our discussion, I want to direct your attention to three postings I’ve made concerning penis enlargement. Historical Views On Cock Size, First Penis Enlargement Methods and Devices and Pumps and Pumps Effects On Penis Size.  These three articles will hopefully put today’s discussion in context.”
Carlos: “Yeah, Dr Dick asked me to read through all these columns before I accepted his invitation to join him in reviewing the Andro Penis. I think I should also mention that every since I was a teenager I’ve been embarrassed about the size of my cock. People tell me that I have nothing to be ashamed about, that my cock is average sized, but that never seemed to make my desire for a bigger penis go away.”
Dr Dick: “Yes, I’m afraid it’s precisely men like Carlos, here, that often fall prey to the unscrupulous people who market dubious enlargement devices, pills and creams.”
Carlos: “Yep, that would be me. I’ve been gullible enough to plunk down hard-earned money on a half-dozen enlargement schemes. All have been a disappointment. I guess that’s why I volunteered for this project. I knew it wouldn’t cost me any money, and there was the chance that the Andro Penis, what with all the medical jargon on their site, might actually work.”
Dr Dick: “Indeed, the Andro Penis website is loaded with scientific studies touting its efficacy. There’s even a page on their site filled with doctors and their endorsements of the product. Yet, upon closer inspection, the physician statements are mostly generic. Each speaks of tissue expansion by way of stretching, or in this case, traction.”
Carlos: “I already know about this because I’ve been stretching my earlobes for a couple of years.”
Dr Dick: “That’s right! People have been stretching body parts as a means of adornment for just about as long as we’ve had body parts to stretch.”
Carlos: “The Andro Penis is a medical looking apparatus that uses traction to stretch your penis. Ya have to wear on your dick for hours on end, every day, for up to six months. I promised Dr Dick that I would be able to handle this kind of commitment and that I was motivated to give this a try. The enlargement kit comes in a handsome case, which contains the stretching device, loads of extra parts, an instructional DVD, and booklet with written instructions in 27 languages. The booklet also helps you track your progress.”
Dr Dick: “Once I was confident Carlos understood the commitment I turned over the kit and sent him on his way. I told him that I wanted to hear from him at least once a month for an update.”
Carlos: “Ok, so you should know that the Andro Penis is pretty simple to attach to your cock. There’s a ring that fits down around the base of your cock with two metal rods attached to it on either side. These two metal rods attach to another part where your dick-head fits into this kind of noose. And then you just tighten it till there’s the desired tension. I know it sounds super uncomfortable, but it wasn’t that bad. At least it wasn’t at first. And then every seven days you attach these little extenders to the end of each of the metal rods. This is what causes your dick to stretch. The longer you wear the thing and the more extenders you use is supposed to determine how big your unit will get. The kit recommended that I wear the device for nine hours a day. That’s a lot! You can take breaks, if you need to, but the whole idea is to keep up the traction for a total of six months.”
Dr Dick: “That’s precisely the thing I wanted Carlos to report to me about. Would he be able to sustain that kind of commitment and endure that kind of discomfort just to grow his dick bigger?”
Carlos: “Actually, it wasn’t all that uncomfortable to start with, but it does feel really weird. Like any novelty, I was gung ho for the first few weeks. I mostly wore the Andro Penis in the evening and at night. I couldn’t wear it during the day at work, that’s for certain. It creates this very unsightly bulge in your pants. So I was sure I would never go out of the house with it on. Of course, just wearing it in the evening didn’t allow for the proper amount of wearing time. I had to start wearing it while I slept. My wife didn’t like this at all!”
Dr Dick: “I was pretty certain that finding the required number of hours a day, every day, would be a super challenge. And as Carlos suggests, the Andro Penis will no doubt get in the way of a relationship.”

Carlos: “True! And then there’s the issue of taking a piss. You have to free your cock from the contraption every time you need to pee. And don’t even think about gettin a boner with this thing in place. By the second month I was dreading my daily dick straightjacket. I began to resent having to abuse my cock like this. I cursed myself for not loving the beautiful cock God gave me. To be honest, there was a slight noticeable increase in length, but not in girth. But not so much that made wearing the Andro Penis worth it.”
Dr Dick: “That’s pretty much what I thought would happen. When Carlos reported in at the beginning of the third month I could tell he was over it. I asked him if he wanted to continue the experiment.”
Carlos: “I told him NO! I felt like I was letting Dr Dick down. I made a promise to wear the Andro Penis for four months, but I could barely get past two months. Every day I would find a new excuse to either not wear the thing or wear it for a shorter period than I was supposed to. I suppose if you’re serious about enlarging your cock, more serious than I was at the beginning, and you have the stamina for this kind of regiment; then you might dig the Andro Penis. Like I said, I started out with the best of intentions, but I soon developed an intense animosity toward the device. It was a lot more invasive than I ever thought it would be. It was like carrying around a ball and chain.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

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