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A Man’s Perspective of Male Sexuality Throughout Life

There’s such an unhealthy attitude towards men and sex in society.

by

Through my years growing up I’ve often felt repressed sexually. As I look back and I think about my youth that would be an adequate description of the feelings that were coming to the surface. I mean I had absolutely no idea what I was feeling, only that it was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. Society had a certain expectancy for me as a man, to act in a certain way. As a young man, I was such a conformist because anything that differed from the general view of normality I was really scared of.

Normality was good for me. Because if I was normal then I could blend into the crowd, do as everyone else was doing and just get on with my life, unseen. Yet there’s always been something about me, that I can’t put my finger on, but it has always rejected normality. And that wasn’t good, because that would separate me from the group and have me in a spotlight. I didn’t like spotlights, because then you were open to scrutiny, and if I was scrutinised then perhaps my mask would slip away and people would see me for who I really was. No-one. A has been, someone with no interest to anyone.

There was always SUCH emphasis on sex. There still is. No-one tells you to just be yourself and have fun exploring one another. My friends, probably out of their own insecurity, would tell me all the ways in which they’ve had their previous partners screaming in pulsating Orgasms. I’d read in the newspapers, and the glossy magazines.

“50 ways to please your woman in bed”

Or

“Is your man not doing it right? Here’s why …”

And let’s not forget those films that I was introduced to by some older kids, where almost every scene ended in the woman having the time of her life, screaming and writhing and bucking in ecstasy. All this pressure, to get it right first time. I always felt really out there. It seemed such a responsibility on me as a man, to get it right, first time. And when the time finally did come, I think it was over and done within milliseconds, first times are never awesome, no matter who tells you that. Or at least it wasn’t for me.

And I look back now and see the unevenness. For instance, people would ask me the naughty things I did to her in bed, and she would get asked was I good in bed? Why doesn’t anyone ask me if my time beneath the sheets with her was enjoyable? A more experienced man will tell you that because some people think a man’s ejaculation is the end result for him, and it is, to an extent, but since then I’ve experienced extremely pleasurable sex, and know the difference between them both, yet, all through my life, less than a handful of friends have asked me that question, and it’s almost always been focused on the shenanigans.

There’s such an unhealthy attitude towards men and sex in society. I had a period of celibacy for about two years, not through choice, but it was the way it turned out. That’s not to say that I didn’t have a few opportunities in between, just that I wasn’t interested in making that bond. For me, sex is personal, and after that I develop feelings. I can’t do no-strings attached. But because I was declining offers I was being viewed as homosexual, and that I wasn’t interested in women. Because all men want sex, right?

What we often forget is that men aren’t cold and brainless sex robots, we have thoughts and feelings too, and regardless of what popular culture will tell you, we’re picky and choosy about who we take to bed with us. But I don’t blame you. I blame the small minority that spoil it for the rest of us men. That small minority you see on TV that literally sleep with hundreds/thousands of women, and those men that leave women husbandless for another partner.

It gives guys like me a bad name. Because we weren’t highly sought after in High School, we were the kids left in the fields plucking forget me nots asking ourselves whether she loved us or not whilst the popular kids ran around doing what we could only dream of. We had to learn to be nice to people to get by. We had to learn to obey the hierarchy to have our social needs met, there was no escaping this, and we learned the cruel harsh reality of bitter rejection from a young age. But in my opinion this was a good thing, and gave us better life skills than a lot of the ‘cool’ kids.

And when the women become bored of tirelessly being let down by someone that thinks the world revolves around them they seek us out, but our sexual habits are often categorised neatly with our predecessors, and that just isn’t the case. Men differ wildly in the sexuality department, as do our tastes. We’re very vain, but then what we describe as a ‘beauty’ can vary insanely too, just like women and their likes for men’s personalities.

For me, I just feel that it’s a small amount of men churning the old stereotype wheel. I think most men, or at least the ones I know of, genuinely want to please and respect their partners. And it would be really nice to just be judged as a person, on my actions, on the day. Not as a ‘man’ because when you categorise people that widely, then you are doing yourself the disservice of getting to know some really awesome people on both sides of the fence.

Be awesome to each other.

Complete Article HERE!

How your sex life can be improved with mindfulness

Being more present with each other can lead to better sex, therapists say

 

By Olivia Blair

People have turned to mindfulness to make them happier, less stressed and even more able to deal with their mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression – but could it improve your sex life too?

Being mindful essentially means being present and aware of both yourself and your surroundings. The brain is trained to deal with negative and anxious or depressive thoughts through breathing and meditation exercises all stemming in part from ancient Buddhist philosophy.

While therapists are increasingly using it as part of their individual counselling, sex and relationship therapists have also adopted the advice.

“In its broad terms, mindfulness means focusing on the present moment so with couples, because they are often so distracted, stressed and over-committed, it can lead to lots of couples’ mind being elsewhere. A classic complaint is that a partner is distracted,” Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual therapist and a trustee of the college of relationship and sexual therapists says. “Mindfulness can mean you are really present with your partner and actually experiencing them in the moment and really paying attention to them.”

This in turn can then lead to better sex – because when partners really feel like they are being listened to, focused on and paid attention to is when better trust is going to be built so they are more likely to be intimate with someone.

“Really being in the moment, noticing their partners body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and what is actually being said is hard to do but it is being present,” Woodbridge says. “… It builds rapport. It you don’t have rapport, you don’t have trust. If you don’t have trust you are not going to be intimate with that person as you are not going to allow yourself tp be vulnerable with them.”

When clients put mindfulness into practice with each other, even if it is a struggle because they are so used to being distracted, it often has a “massive impact on their relationship and sex lives”, Woodbridge says.

Additionally, if someone is struggling with an issue in their sex life such as a performance issue like impotence or the inability to orgasm, mindfulness can also help in this aspect.

“In a sexual scenario what can happen is ‘spectatoring’, which is when a person is not paying attention to arousal or enjoyment and are instead observing and over-analysing themselves fearing the worst. If it is an erectile problem they will be hoping it does not fail or will feel anxious about whether their partner is enjoying it,” Woodbridge explains. “Spectatoring is often quite self-fulfilling so the person might not be able to maintain their erection, will experience sexual pain or they will just feel completely unconfident so they get into a horrible cycle.”

Sex therapists will therefore instruct the client to be mindful and to notice how they are feeling, even if that feeling is anxiety. Once they are aware they feel anxious or nervous they can focus on bringing the mind back to the physical feelings, such as arousal, and divert their focus to this instead.

“Mindfulness gets the person to notice when they are ‘spectatoring’, notice that they are distracted and not focusing on their arousal and physical sensations. It is hard in that moment as the person is anxious but if you don’t the mind will wander and go elsewhere,” Ms Woodbridge explains.

Ammanda Major, a trained sex therapist and head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate told The Independent they regularly introduce mindfulness to their sex therapy sessions for couples.

“We use mindfulness in sex therapy to help people experience more pleasure by being able to relax and stay focused and present in the moment.  Mindfulness can also benefit our relationships as a whole by relieving stress, building intimacy and enhancing inner peace. This in turn allows us to have more positive interactions with our partners,” she said.

She says couples can try mindfulness exercises at home, such as the following:

Individually: 

“Set some time aside every day to focus on your breathing. It doesn’t have to be long to begin with – maybe start with just five minutes a day and work your way up to 20. 

A good way to start is on your own with no distractions.  Close your eyes, relax and start to become aware of how you’re breathing. Breathe in slowly through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Repeat this and gradually become aware of sensations in your body. Recognise and welcome them and then allow those thoughts to drift away to be replaced with other feelings as they arise. Notice what you’re experiencing and feeling. The aim is to let go: rather than reject intrusive thoughts, just let them drift away.”

With a partner:

“Once you’ve practised the breathing exercise a few times on your own, why not with your partner?  Sit facing and look into each other’s eyes.  Breathe slowly in through your nose and exhale through your mouth as before but this time synchronise your breathing.  Do this for several minutes – it may feel a little strange at first but stick with it and it can have powerful results, increasing feelings of relaxation and intimacy.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

5 Health Reasons To Make Love, Even When You’re Not In The Mood

 

By

At the start of every relationship, everything is brand new, and we just can’t get enough of our partner. During the honeymoon phase, we engage in extra PDA, barely keeping our hands off each other, especially sexually. However, there comes a point where one of us wants sex, and the other isn’t in the mood for it, but science suggests we should consider having more sex for our health’s sake.

Sex droughts can hit couples, which can be a sign of comfortability, or married life. Infrequent sex can occur due to children, work, and stress, but having sex can actually lighten the load of these daily obstacles.

April Masini, relationship expert and author, believes “intimacy is as important as an apple keeping the doctor away.”

“Nurturing intimacy in relationships is important — and should be just as important a health concern as getting a regular mammogram or a colonoscopy! Happy, healthy, intimate relationships are crucial to good physical and mental health,” she told Medical Daily.

Scientists have found the reason why sex feels so good is due to the release of dopamine and opioid chemicals. Sexual stimulation sends the brain into an altered state of consciousness; it blocks out everything else, and allows us to solely concentrate on the sensation. In other words, it enhances brain activity.

Regular sex can do more than make us feel good; it can boost our overall health in these five ways.

Boosts Immune System

Frequent sex can help keep our immune system strong, protecting us from getting the common cold. Dr. William Kolbe, author of the book The Rejuvenating Power of Masturbation, suggests sex’s immune boosting power comes from its interaction with the pituitary.

“Sexual intimacy(solo and paired) sends signals to the pituitary to stimulate the major endocrine axis including the thymus gland, a major player in our immune system,” he told Medical Daily.

A 2009 study in Psychology Reports found having sex at least once or twice a week led to 30 percent more immunoglobulin A (IgA) in their saliva, than those who reported having no sex. IgA is an antibody that helps fight infections and the common cold. They reach their peak in couples who had sex a few times a week.

Lowers Blood Pressure

Sex does not significantly raise blood pressure in men, rather it can help lower it to normal levels. A 2000 study in Biological Psychology, researchers asked 51 healthy men and women, between the ages of 20 to 47 about how much sex they have; followed by measuring their blood pressure.

They concluded more sex was linked to decreased blood pressure.

According to Kolbe: “Intimacy is an excellent cardiovascular workout thus providing positive effects to blood pressure. The increase in sex hormone production, especially estrogen, is very beneficial for the heart.”

Aids Heart Health

Unsurprisingly, sex is good for lowering our blood pressure, and for reducing the risk of heart disease. A 2002 study in J Epidemiol Community Health found regular sexual intercourse reduces the risk of stroke and coronary heart disease (damage or disease in the heart’s major blood vessels) in men.

Similarly, a 2010 study in the American Journal of Cardiology found men with low frequency of sex had an increased risk of cardiovascular disease. Men who reported sexual activity of once a month or less had a higher risk of cardiovascular disease than men who reported having sex twice a week or more. This study is the first to look at frequency of sex and heart risk independently from erectile dysfunction, according to the researchers. They speculate men who are having sex regularly, may be in supportive intimate relationships. This may improve health via stress reduction and social support.

Stress Reducer

Feeling relaxed and mellow after sex tend to go hand in hand in the bedroom. A 2002 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests semen may have antidepressant properties. Contact with semen during sex can help boost happiness levels for women, therefore, reducing stress

“Sex can reduce a woman’s stress level. This is especially so if the woman is relaxed and not constricted during the sex,” Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, told Medical Daily.

Keri Simon, a clinical social worker in St. Louis, who sees many couples, believes the stress hormone cortisol is reduced via a connection.

“More is communicated through intimate gestures which in a primitive example, communicates we have no need to be on defense, addressing our fight or flight responses. This communication is powerful — just ask anyone who has felt connection through a squeeze of the arm, pat on the back, hug, etc., and they can share that human intimacy is a powerful force of connection,” she told Medical Daily.

Improves Sleep

It’s likely some of us pass out right after sex, and this happens for a reason. The endorphins released during sex can help us enter natural states, like euphoria, leading us to feel less stressed. The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep. They’re released from the pituitary gland of the brain during periods of strenuous exercise, emotional stress, pain, and orgasm. Oxytocin is known as the “love hormone” because it’s typically released when two people make physical contact.

Interestingly, a 2014 study found women in romantic relationships who got an extra hour of sleep had higher levels of sexual desire. They also experienced a 14 percent increase in the likelihood of sex the next day. Women with longer average sleep duration also reported greater vaginal lubrication during sex than those with shorter average sleep.

The relationship between going to sleep and good sex seems to work both ways.

Complete Article HERE!