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A Word To The Wise

Name: DJ
Gender: Male
Age: 39
Location: Northern Minnesota
I’ve been in a gay relationship for almost 12 years now. My partner and I are very happy and I’ve been thinking about adding a new addition to our relationship just to spice things up a little bit. We were looking through the gay personals online and we found this guy who happens to be a patient of mine. He’s just our type. He’s a handsome, well built bear in his early 40’s. We’re considering contacting him, but we’re not sure if that would be crossing a line. So if you could give us some advice that would be great. Thanks.

Ahhh let’s see, the short answer is; yes, you would be crossing a line. Offering your patient a tryst, with you and your hubby would indeed be way on the other side of that line. Ya know the old adage, “Don’t shit where you eat?” Well, this is exactly like that, only completely different.

While I’m happy to support you and your man as you work toward opening your relationship by adding a playmate or two, the current object of your desires is, to my mind, inappropriate. I think it’s always ill advised for professional people in general, and healing and helping professionals in particular, to get involved (romantically or otherwise) with their clients or patients. There’s always the possibility of a conflict of interest, but more importantly, there’s the issue of propriety.

That’s not to say that this sort of thing doesn’t happen all the time. It does. But I think there are significant potential problems for you, the professional, as well as this other guy, your patient.

When I’m faced with a similar dilemma in my own life, I sit myself down with pen and paper and write out all the pros and cons of a hook-up, even a casual one, with someone I have a professional relationship with. Regardless of whether I know the guy through my therapy practice or by way of my production company; it’s all the same for me. These are lines I should not cross. But sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

So with my pad and pen at the ready I quickly jot down the “pros” of the hook-up. These are always so easy to enumerate. He’s hot, he’s charming, he’s fun to be around, he’s got a great personality and a wonderful sense of humor and he’s single. Hell, he may even be hot for me…although that’s less likely these days, now that I’m an old fuck. But hey, it could happen! So if I only consider the “pros” this appears to be a match made in heaven. What could possible go wrong with this idyllic picture? WAIT!

That’s where the “cons” come in handy. They are the bane of my existence, but they also keep me out of harms way. If I’m struggling to come up with a list of “cons”, I simply conjure up, in my fevered little mind, the worst relationship I’ve ever had. Frankly, this isn’t a particularly difficult thing to do, because I’ve had some duesies in my time, don’t cha know. The reason I let my mind dredge up the sordid past like this is so that I can remember how bad things can get when a sex connection goes south. I do this to create a worst-case hook-up scenario so that I can imagine what it would be like if the guy in question was not just an unfortunate choice on my part, but he was also a client or porn pup on the rise.

With just this little mental prompting my “cons” category begins to grow and grow. This exercise pretty much puts the kybosh on my ardor and I happily forgo the pleasure of the company of the man in question. Is it possible that I’m overreacting, that the hook-up could have turned out to be a sheer delight? Absolutely! But, being the kind of guy I am, with the bum luck that I have, I’d just as soon not take the chance that it won’t. I have a reputation, checkered as it might be, to uphold. And screwing around with the wrong guy is bad enough; I don’t need the added complication of him thinking that I took advantage of him given my professional association with him.

I invite you to do the same sort of exercise yourself, DJ. First create a column of “pros.” Why does this forty-something, handsome, well-built bear patient of yours with the online profile make a great candidate for a playmate. I’ll bet that you and the hubby already have this all figured out. Now, create your “cons” column. Try to imagine all the awful things that could happen as a result of a sex connection that goes bad — ya know, the jealousy, the bitchyness, the backbiting, the rumors, stuff like that. And when you consider that he’s being invited to a manage-a-trois, well you can triple the risk factor. Like I said, the object here is to create the worst-case scenario. Screwing around with the wrong guy is bad enough; you certainly don’t need to add the complication of him thinking you took advantage of him given your professional association with him. If things go bad and he brings this little encounter to the attention of the medical board, you’d be in a heap of trouble.

Of course there is always the option of terminating your doctor/patient relationship before the fuck. In this case I advise there be at least a two-month hiatus between the end of your professional relationship and the start up of the sexual relationship. However, if I was your patient, and you offered me this option, I’d choose to maintain the professional connection we have. I’d be flattered by your interest in me, but I’d know that it’s much harder to find a good doc than it is to find a sweet bone….even in northern Minnesota.

Good luck

Weighty Matters

Name: Seattle Guy
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Location: Seattle
Dr. Dick – Were you really a Roman Catholic priest? I’m Catholic – and trying to figure out where I stand sexually. I’d be gay in a second if I had confidence that was my authentic self. I’m definitely bi – somewhere in the middle. Anyway, have you discovered any insights in your experience how God fits into our sexuality? But I guess I should ask, do you still believe in God? How did you find your way to producing porn? How does God figure in everything, in your opinion? Do you think a soul has a sexuality? Are these too many questions? Any response you have would be very appreciated!

Yes, Seattle Guy, you have way too many questions! But because you asked so nicely, I’ll do my best to answer each and every one. Because I’m such a friggin sweet guy.

“Were you really a Roman Catholic priest?” I were, I really were! I was a Catholic priest for 19 years. Technically I still am a priest, but I no longer practice in that capacity. Here’s a little known fact, I am the only Catholic priest in the whole wide world with a doctorate in Clinical Sexology. How about them apples?  That and a $1.50 gets me a ride on the bus.

I completed my doctorate with the publication of my thesis concerning the sexual attitudes and behaviors of gay Catholic priests in the active ministry in 1981. This was unprecedented research back then. Hell, it’s groundbreaking even now. Needless to say, there was a firestorm of international publicity upon publication. I was soon to be known as “The Gay Priest.” Like if I was the only one. This notoriety (some would say infamy) effectively ended my public priesthood. I fought the Vatican for the next 13 years, from 1981-1994, in an attempt to salvage my priesthood and ministry, but they would have none of it. I published a book about my ordeal, Secrecy, Sophistry And Gay Sex In The Catholic Church; The Systematic Destruction Of An Oblate Priest. It came out last summer. (Click on the title for more information about the book.)

I was kicked out of  the religious community I belonged to, but I was never defrocked. So, like I said, technically I’m still a man of the cloth. Scary huh? And what a difference 30+ years makes. The political climate in the church is even more repressive than it was in the early 80’s, but now openly gay men serve as priests all over the world. I can’t explain it either.

So you’re a Catholic too, OK. But you’re still (at 38) trying to figure out where you stand sexually. I’m not sure I know what that means. You say you’d be gay in a minute if you thought that was your authentic self. You’re bi for sure…somewhere in the middle. In the middle of what, may I ask? You’ll pardon me, darlin’, but you sound suspiciously like a mugwump. Do you know what that is? A mugwump is a fence-sitter, someone with his mug on one side and his wump on the other. The reason I say that is if your were authentically bi, you’d leave it at that, as do all authentically bi men.

“Have you discovered any insights in your experience how God fits into our sexuality?” You betcha I have! But I have a completely different take on this then you apparently do. Ya see I would have phrased the question in the reverse. How does our sexuality fit into god? The way you have it, suggests that the infinite can fit into the finite. And this is precisely where most religious people go very, very wrong. We do god a disservice by trying to stuff the divine into the mundane.

My sexuality fits into god when I am honest and authentic with myself about who I am and acknowledge my insignificance in the greatness of creation, I fit into god when I honor my sexuality, when I celebrate it, when I give it as a gift. I do not fit into god when I am dishonest with myself, or others, when I falsely claim my own significance in the mind of god and when I belittle god with my pettiness and insecurity.

You’ll notice that I was careful not to mention anything about sexual orientation, even though I think that’s what you were ultimately asking me about. Mugwumps are so predictable. Ya see sexual orientation, as we currently understand it, is a relatively new phenomenon in human history. And all of human history barely registers in cosmic history. Why do you suppose we’re so consumed about something so irrelevant to the big picture? And god is the ultimate “BIG PICTURE.” What concerns me is that you’ve come this far in your life and still haven’t been honest to god…or yourself.

Do you still believe in God? Yes, in a manner of speaking! I tend not to use the word “god” as much as I used to, because it comes with too much cultural baggage. I prefer the term, “divine. But whatever I call it, I’m positive my god is nothing like your god. Your god is made in your image. My god is not made in my image. In fact, my god so unlike me — a mere fallible, insignificant mortal — as to make my god incomprehensible to the likes of me. But that doesn’t mean there’s no appreciation. There is!

“How did you find your way to producing porn?” God led me! Just kidding. Actually, I’m not kidding.  It all started back in 1981, believe it or not. My career as a therapist in San Francisco coincided with the advent of HIV/AIDS . Not surprisingly, my practice evolved into working primarily with sick and dying people. In the mid-90’s I founded a nonprofit organization called, PARADIGM, Enhancing Life Near Death. It was an outreach and resource for terminally ill, chronically ill, elder and dying people. Despite the fact that this was brilliant cutting-edge work, I couldn’t find the funding I needed to keep the nonprofit alive. This precipitated a massive mid-life crisis and a rather sudden move to Seattle in 1999.

I continued to work with sick and dying people here. I developed programming for women newly diagnosed with ovarian cancer and men with prostate cancer. This lead me to develop concepts for videos for people experiencing life threatening and/or disfiguring illnesses; to help them deal with reintegrating sex and intimacy into their life post diagnosis. But I needed to find funding for this ambitious project. I soon realized that no mainline foundation would fund an overtly sexual project like this. I would have to fund this on my own. But how? Friends prevailed on me to start by making porn. I’d make a load of money and then I could turn my attention back to the original project — death and dying work. Thus Daddy Oohhh! Productions was born.  Unfortunately, the load of money has yet to materialize. But while I was shooting porn, my focus is to create projects that are different in style and tone from what currently rules the marketplace.

“How does God figure in everything, in your opinion?” Once again, I think you’ve got that backwards. The better question, to my mind, is: How does everything figure into god? And here my answer echos my previous answer. If there is a god, then everything figures into god with ease and grace.

“Do you think a soul has a sexuality?” Nope, I don’t. Sexuality is part of the finite material world. It’s a bodily function that apparently goes away when our body dies. A soul, as it is popularly understood, is something other. What precisely? I can’t really say. Hey, maybe something else takes the place of sexuality in the spiritual world, if there is a spiritual world. I guess you and I will just have to wait to find out.

In the meantime, wouldn’t it be great if you freed yourself up to be exactly who you are? And not wait on someone, especially someone of a religious bent, to give you permission to do so, or tell you what you can and cannot be.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Is she is, or is she ain’t

Name: Ulrich
Gender: male
Age: 22
Location: Hannover, GR
How do I know my girlfriend isn’t faking it? She looks like she’s into it, but sometimes it looks like too much drama.

Too much drama, I love it! I’m gonna assume that you’re talking about what appears to be her throws of pleasure — screaming, moaning and thrashing about, just like in the porno movies. I’m not sure I know why woman fake it, men sure as hell don’t go out of their way put on a show if their heart and dick ain’t in it. But women often do and sometimes even us benighted men think something’s fishy…so to speak.

Maybe the question you are asking, Ulli, might stem from a concern you have about your own skill as a lover. I suppose the most obvious reason a woman fakes an orgasm is to massage the ego of the guy who is putting it to her. I suppose it’s the path of least resistance after all. It’s easier to fake it then be honest with her lover about his sexual prowess. Of course there’s always the possibility that the woman in question is pre-orgasmic — that she’s never had an orgasm so she may think that this is how it’s done. How sad is that?

You know how there’s little mystery about a dude’s pleasure — he gets it up, he gets it on and he gets it off — pretty cut and dried. And there’s often the evidence of his pleasure in the form of a pool of his own jizz. Although I hasten to add that an ejaculation is not the same thing as an orgasm, but it is rare to have an ejaculation that isn’t somewhat pleasurable.

A chick is very different, don’t ‘cha know. Her sexual organs and arousal are mostly internal. So unless she’s a squirter (a g-spot ejaculation that is) there’s only circumstantial evidence that she is being pleasured. I guess that’s why so many women make all that “drama.” It’s to compensate for not having anything as obvious as a hardon and a puddle of spooge. Of course the drama could also be a way of throwing us boys off the scent…so to speak.

However, there are things you can look for that may indicate your partner is enjoying herself. Knowing something about the female sexual response cycle will, no doubt, be very helpful here. If you don’t know your way around this phenomenon, I’d suggest that you have some remedial study to do.

Again, the male sexual response cycle is pretty obvious — he gets wood. For a woman the analogous response is she gets wet. If your lady has a wet pussy, you may be on the right track. Of course lots of women don’t lubricate all that much, so you might not want to rely on this evidence alone. In this instance you might look for the secondary signs of arousal – these are pretty much the same in both women and men. Our pupils may dilate, our skin may flush, our nipples may erect, our breathing may increase to a pant, our heart rate will defiantly increase and our toes might curl. Not all of these will happen every time to every person, but you get the drift, right?

In terms of the big “O” men and women differ in many respects, but there are some commonalities. Both women and men can have “mini orgasms” as well as “major” screamin’ memes. Us men folk tend not to pay too much attention to the little tremors, because we know the big one is coming. Women, on the other hand, have less certainty that the big “O” will show up, so they tend to be more aware of the mini ones. Regardless of the gender a good portion of an orgasm’s physiologic response is the same in all of us. Muscle contractions, specifically the PC (pubococcygeus muscle) in both women and men and vaginal and uterine muscles in women signal orgasm. Everything else— the writhing, the shuddering, the fluttering of the eyes and the moans of delight — is gravy.

If the chick you’re bumping has a wild orgasm every single time, I think she’s faking it. If she cums no matter what you’re doing to her, I think she’s faking it. If she sounds like a cheap porn flick, I think she’s faking it. If she’s still doin’ the “oh yeah baby, you’re the best…make momma scream,” long after you stopped doin whatever you were doin’. I think she’s faking it. If she carrying on, yet looking over at the television or the clock, then I think she’s faking it. If there’s no afterglow after a big “O”, I’ll bet she faking it.

If you think you’re with a faker, you might just want to tell her that she doesn’t need to put on a show for you. On the contrary, you both would be better served with a little honesty. Ask her for some feedback; what’s working, what’s not. Oh, and if you think the chick you’re with is gonna cum as fast as you, you don’t know your way around a pussy.

And here’s another thing you should know; most women don’t come from fucking alone. So if you think you got a magic wand in your pants, you are sadly mistaken. If you’re not using your hands and mouth as well as your willie; she’ll likely fake it.

And finally, if you can’t locate her clit to save your life, you can count on her faking it.

Good luck

Bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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If it’s not one thing, it’s another…

Name: Malcolm
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Johannesburg
I’m in love with this guy who is as sweet as the day is long. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. What makes him so charming is he’s only recently come out as gay. Before this he was married. He is not jaded like so many other guys I meet. But there’s a problem. He’s real vanilla. I guess that’s the down side of coming out of a heterosexual marriage at the age of 35. He’s happy as a clam fucking me a couple times a week. He thinks anal sex is really adventurous and sexually daring. I on the other hand, am suffocating in the boredom. I know, now I sound really jaded, but I can’t help it. It’s just that there’s so much more to sex than what we are doing. I want to introduce him to some kinky shit, but I’m afraid that I will scare him off. What the fuck should I do?

I absolutely adore messages that start out: “I’m so in love. He/she is everything I ever wanted, blah, blah, blah!” Because I know that only a few words later the other shoe is gonna drop, and drop hard. “But there’s a problem, blah, blah, blah!”

Of course there’s a problem. There is always a problem…even with Mr. or Ms. Perfect, or maybe because your honey is so freakin perfect. Take it from me, sexual dissatisfaction will upset even the most tranquil and rosy apple cart and send everyone into a tizzy. Allow me to share with you something I wrote about this very issue about ten years ago. I think you will find the advice as fresh as the day it was written.

So you’ve met the person of your dreams only you haven’t got around to telling your new honey your dirty little secret. The sweet thing hasn’t a clue that you’re itchin’ for some big time bondage. Or that you’d sell your soul to be dominated like the scum that you are. Or you’re salivating over that dildo you have tucked away in the attic, the one that could be mistaken for a floor lamp. Or you’re craving to be spanked till your shameless ass glows in the dark. Or you want to hump his/her feet like a dog and gobble up his/her toe jam. Or you have this nasty little thing about spike heels, frilly knickers and jungle red lipstick.

Never fear, Dr. Dick has heard it all a million times before. Some sorry pervert’s got it bad for white bread. Dear Dr. Dick, Help! I’m in love with the sweetest guy/gal in the word, but our sex life is all vanilla all the time. I’m bored shitless! I know how to liven things up, you see I have this fetish (you fill in the blank) but I don’t know how to tell him/her about it and I’m afraid s/he’ll freak if s/he finds out. What’s a perv to do?

Introducing your partner to your personal world of kink is tricky; the whole little love match could blow up in your face. But a life of pretense and sexual boredom isn’t the way to go either. Why not just stand tall like the disgusting depraved creature you are and brazenly proclaim your fetish to little Mary Sunshine. After all, unless your boyfriend or gal-pal is as dumb as a post s/he’s already figured out that your mutual sex life limps. Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than corrupting an innocent. Who knows, s/he may have secrets of his/her own.

Here’s what I suggest. Casually direct the conversation to the amazing variety of human sexual expression. You could reassure your sweetie that just because some things are unfamiliar don’t make them bad. Tell him/her that you’ve been waiting for your relationship to mature so that you could share the intricacies of your desires with him/her. This can be one of those precious bonding moments that Oprah’s always talkin’ about. This might be a good time to view that special video you picked up in the kink section of the local porn emporium. Invite her/him to explore your fantasy with you. Tell the little flower that your love for him/her demands that you share the fullness of your sexuality with her/him. Then pick one turn-on for the two of you to experiment with — lingerie, toys, dominance and submission, role-playing, whatever.

Decide on a safe-word, an out of context word your partner could use if the experiment is heading in an uncomfortable direction. For example, if the dildo is too big or the lipstick is too red, s/he could say “pickles.” The safe-word, when uttered in the scenario, will let you know that you need to change direction or slow down without completely destroying the built up sexual energy.

If this initiation process doesn’t work Dr. Dick suggests that you cut your losses and dump the white bread. Go out and find yourself a kindred spirit, someone you won’t have to apologize to for being creative in your sex play.

Good luck

More of The Erotic Mind of Hank Edwards — Podcast #305 — 10/24/11


Hey sex fans, welcome back!

The oh so funny and deliciously smutty author, Hank Edwards, is back with us today for Part 2 of his appearance on this The Erotic Mind series. As you know these podcasts are interviews with erotic artists, both literary and visual. Our conversations are attempting to uncover something of the creative process involved in this unique art form. To tell you the truth, there’s nothing more exciting than discovering what makes an erotic artist tick, so to speak.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #304 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Hank and I discuss:

  • His blog and his online friends who make up the Story Orgy group;
  • The Story Orgy anthology and donating to The Trevor Project;
  • Publishing his own work;
  • Book One of the Venom Valley Series, Bounty;
  • The similarities and differences between erotica and romance;
  • Writing pornography;
  • His female fans;
  • The enriching aspect of reading and writing erotica;
  • His other, non-erotic, writing;
  • What he looks for in the erotica of others;
  • Advice for the novice erotica author.

Hank graciously shares another a selection of the fruit of his Erotic Mind. This week he reads from Book One of the Venom Valley Series, Bounty. Think vampires and zombies in the old west. I know, can ya stand it?

For more of Hank, be sure to visit his site HERE! You’ll find his Story Orgy contributions on his blog HERE! And look for him on Facebook HERE and Twitter HERE!

(Click on the thumbnails below to get more information about these volumes.)

    

    

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

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