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Another Selfish Asshole

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Name: Samuel
Gender: Male
Age: 36
Location: Arkansas
Eight years ago I was involved with a woman who liked to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on. I liked it a lot, and when we stopped seeing each other, I missed the sensation. I’ve tried hooking up with other women who want to do this to me, but I’ve only found a few. And all of them were looking for a relationship, something I don’t want. Eventually I turned to men for the anal action I was missing. Some of guys are gay, some bi, and some straight. We never hug, kiss or do oral. I only receive, never give. I don’t see a guy for more than a couple of times. Now there seems to be fewer guys out there who want a tight ass to fuck. I prefer women, but men will do — I just really get off on the sensation.

Well, aren’t you a charming fucker…I mean fuckee. You don’t have a clue about how selfish you’re being, do you? And you’re wondering why the pool of people willing to pound your “tight ass” is drying up. It’s not the lack of fuckers out there. darlin’; it’s you!asshole

Listen; there are some basics that you seem to have overlooked when it comes to partnered sex. First among these is ya need at least a modicum of mutuality in your sex play. Did you ever hear of “Give to Get?” There’s probably no mystery why the first woman who strapped one on for you fled the scene. She discovered that you’re just in this for yourself. The other women who pegged you did so hoping they’d get something in return. Even the guys are fleeing in droves. And it’s entirely your fault, Sam. And ya know what else? I’d be willing to bet that you’re getting a reputation for yourself there in Arkansas. Nobody likes a self-absorbed prick. And that kind of bad rep gets around fast, especially in the hinterlands.

ill-stop-being-sarcasticAnyone wanting to get laid as much as you ought to learn how to finesse the fuck he wants. Lets start with the women. Most women are unaccustomed to being a top. Many would feel pretty self-conscious with a strap-on. In exchange for the kind of extraordinary sex you are looking for, most women would want something in return. Most would feel more comfortable exercising a kink in a relationship of some sort or another. They have little to gain otherwise. And if your behaviors with men are any indication of the sex you have with women, it’s surprising that you’ve got pegged at all.

Most men are a lot like most women in this regard. While there are a few of us men folk who will fuck whatever presents itself; even they will look for something in return besides a self-proclaimed tight ass to fuck. And here’s a tip — most guys who crow about how tight their ass is, are deluding themselves. Your insatiable hole is probably not in as pristine condition as you’d like to think.

I have several suggestions for you. First and foremost, treat your partners, even your casual hook ups, with some dignity and respect. Each one is more than just a stiff dick (or dildo) for you to pleasure yourself with. If you want to prevent the pool of available fuckers from evaporating completely, show some humanity yourself. Find out what turns your partner’s crank and get her/him warmed up for the fuck fest. If it take some hugging, kissing and a decent blowjob…you’d better take care of business. It’s the least you can do.

Finally, if you have a preference for women (and you’re put off by the idea of hugging, kissing and a blowin’ some dude just to get your sorry ass fucked); then rethink your aversion to having a relationship. There are all kinds of relationships — from fuck (pegging) buddies to marriage. Surly, you could find it in your heart to reward the woman willing to plug your hungry ass with a little something more than “catch ya later, bitch!”

Good luck

What does is all mean?

Name: Jane
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: Vancouver. BC
When my boyfriend and I have sex, there’s a 50/50 chance that he will put his penis between my butt cheeks and hump me that way until he cums. (It’s just intense rubbing, no anal penetration). Even though I don’t feel like I’m getting any pleasure from it, my vagina gets wet, and if he touches me down there and feels that I’m wet, it turns him on even more. What’s going on here?
He’s very affectionate and he tells me he loves by my body. He says he’s totally straight, but this whole anal thing confuses me. If he’s not gay or bi-sexual, why is it that it takes him 20+ minutes to cum during vaginal sex, but only 5 – 7 minutes to cum during anal?

Ok, Jane, to start with, your BF isn’t doing anal. Believe me, darling, you’d know if he were. Anal sex, by definition, means anal penetration. There’s a name for what your freaky boyfriend is doing — rubbing his cock in your crack, but not penetrating you. It’s a form of frottage, or sexual stimulation by rubbing. This is the sexual practice of choice for most lesbians, most commonly referred to as pussy-bumpin’. Hey, maybe your BF is a lesbian!analsex joke

Second, your pussy may be getting wet because your boyfriend’s pre-cum and spooge is dripping down your crack, past your “taint” and all over your fine cooch. It ain’t you producing the wetness, which explains why you’re not aroused. I hope that clears up the mystery juice for ya.

Third, loads of exclusively straight men are into anal. Most are into butt fucking their women, but some are into being fucked BY their women. We call this practice pegging — a woman straps on a mighty fine dildo and drives her man insane with a buggering he’ll not soon forget. So you see, fucking is not just for cunts anymore!

Forth, perhaps, just maybe, your vagina isn’t as tight as your what your man is experiencing between your ass cheeks. Maybe, just perhaps, that’s why it takes him less time to bust a nut that-a-way than in a more traditional form of fucking. Also maybe, he’s more turned on with the allure of the forbidden, taboo backdoor action. I guess the only way you’ll know is to ask your BF straight-up, as it were, so to speak.

So let’s review then, shall we? Now that we know for certain that an interest in cornholing a sweet ass is not just a gay thing. You can relax about your BF bein’ queer for wanting to hump your bum. For some guys this is their favorite kind of sex. They love to bust a nut by rubbing their dicks between a chick’s tits, thighs, buns, or feet. It’s anyone’s guess why these dudes prefer this to getting off in, on or around a pussy, but whatever it is, it’s completely harmless.Anal sex

Here’s a tip, Jane. Relax into this with the ‘ol BF, why don’t ya? Once you stop worrying about his sexual orientation because of his fascination with your be-hind, you may actually enjoy the special attention he’s paying your boot-ty.

And hey, if your BF’s freak with your ass crack isn’t gettin’ you off, you don’t have to just lie there and take it, ya know. While he’s grinding away back there, you could be spending some quality time with little miss clit with say a swell vibrator. Soon you’ll be enjoying things as much as he.

Good luck

One Of The Willie Worrisome

Name: lup92
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Location: England
I’m 15 and masturbate often but have had no form of sex although my girlfriend wants to start. However my penis and scrotum have extremely small lumps all over. I also have a purple red large lump on the rim of my bellend. What do I do? Should I start? Or do I risk giving something to my girlfriend?

A quick note before we begin. I’m a Ph.D. kind of doctor. not MD type of doctor. You know that, right? While I know my way around the human body, I never offer medical advice of any sort. And, just so you know, no self-respecting physician, MD kind of doctor, is gonna offer you medical advice online either without seeing you in person first. Which, if you ask me, is a real good thing.

teen intimacy

Here’s the thing about lumps and bumps and discolorations of the skin anywhere on your body, especially on your precious willie, pup. They are signs that all is not well. Do us all a big favor and have your johnson looked at by a physician. Your health is nothing to fool around with. Everything you describe could be completely harmless, but you don’t want to take the chance that it isn’t, right? And here’s a tip: don’t do it for your girlfriend. DO IT FOR YOU! It’s your dick, you gotta lean how to take care of it. And there’s no time like the present to start properly lookin’ after it.

willy_worryJust so you know, I’m not suggesting that your have a STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection). I mean, how could you? You’ve only been wanking, right? Still, if you’re concerned enough to write to me about it, you should take yourself in for a look-see. Since you are underage, you’ll probably need one of your parents to arrange the appointment. But if you are typical teenager, you’ll probably be embarrassed to discuss this with your parents. Still, there’s no getting around this. I think your parents will be proud of you for being proactive about your health and wellbeing. Besides, there’s nothing to be ashamed about.

Another option is to contact a sex-positive resource near you. Check out the folks at FPA. Surely they’ll have a resource for you.

Please take care of this ASAP.

There is one more thing. And I’m gonna be as blunt as I know how. If you think you’re old enough to fuck, you’re old enough to know all about condoms and how to use them. If ya don’t, you’re just a dumb kid who may function like a grown-up, but doesn’t know how to behave like one. And I don’t want to believe that about you.

What it is with young people (old people too) who are still fuckin’ clueless about unprotected sex in this day and age? I have nothing against younger people being sexual. That pretty much is to be expected. But I am totally opposed to kids having kids! Like I said, if you’re old enough to swing it around, you’re old enough to know how to swing it responsibly.

Good luck

In Your Dreams

Name: unkutstud
Gender: Male
Age: 22
Location: WA, usa
I have about a one-inch overhang of foreskin when I’m limp. And when I have a boner my foreskin still covers my cock completely. Even when I skin myself back my foreskin slips back over my cock head unless I hold it back. Do women want me to skin myself back or do they want my foreskin covering my cock before I insert my 8 incher into their pussy? I feel self-conscious about skinning myself back and holding my foreskin back.

I love your moxy, mister. “…before I insert my 8 incher into their pussy?” How you do go on! You knock me out! But I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you have yet to dip your wick into any fine pussy…I mean besides the imaginary pussy of your rich fantasy life. Am I right? I thought so.condoms001.jpg

Here’s the thing about women. They don’t all share the same tastes about everything. I know, who would have guessed? So when you say things like: “Do women want me to skin myself back or do they want my foreskin covering my cock…” basically you’re tellin’ me you think that these pussy-owin’ creatures are all alike. With that kind of unenlightened mindset you’re gonna get yourself in a whole lot of trouble. Not to mention you’re never gonna get yourself laid.

The thing about women, at least the ones that grove on men, is they seem to have less of an interest in what your unit looks like, let alone it’s size, then they do with you knowing how to use the blasted thing. Consider for a moment that a whole lot of women have never seen an uncut willie. Others have never seen the cut variety. If you want to know how your perspective partner wants your throbbing 8-incher, all you have to do is ask, don’t cha know. Probably they’ll even interpret your asking as a gentlemanly gesture. And that, sir, is how you’ll get yourself laid.

Oh and don’t forget, there’s that sniggling little issue of using a condom each and every time you fuck, right? Seems to me that you’ll most likely be the one placing the rubber on your dick, so you get to choose if it goes over the foreskin on your dickhead or over your skinned back dickhead.

Good luck

Learnin’ to Smoke Some Pole

Name: Janet
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Location: Reno, Nevada
I’ve never performed oral sex on a man before and now I am with a new man and he sometimes hints that he would like me to go down on him. But I’m scared to do so because I don’t really know what to do or if I’ll be doing it right and I’m scared that he might laugh or something. Can you please give me some advice for a first timer on oral sex??

blowjobJanet, darling, you are totally in luck. Ol’ Dr Dick has squandered many an hour composing witty postings and charming podcasts on this very topic. Check it out. Look over to your right. See the CATEGORY pull down menu? Good! Now scroll down till you find the main Category — Oral. (Everything is alphabetized.) Under this main heading you will discover “Blow Job” and “Fellatio.” There are also a number of other fun and informative topics there, like gag reflex and cunnilingus. Speaking of which, I hope this new man of yours is gonna return the oral favor once he gets his hummer. Don’t settle for less. If he wants some hot oral action, he better be able give some hot oral action. It’s only right, right?

So as you can see, there’s loads (you should pardon the pun) of good stuff, written and spoken, about the wonderful world of oral sex. Click on any of the Oral subcategories to find just about every word I’ve written about this scrumptious topic.

Or you can simply cut to the chase and read my Sexual Enrichment Tutorial: So Ya Wanna Be A World-Class Cocksucker.

Either way, you’ll be smokin’ yourself some fine pole, like a real champion, in no time at all.

Good luck

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