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A Budding Kinkster’s Dilemma, Part 2

So I heard back from Todd. I shared his first message to me last Monday. You can find that exchange HERE!

Name: Todd
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Oregon
I took your advice and found a local club of like-minded people. I went to one of their mixers. I met so many amazing people. Among them was this woman who is about 16 years older than me. She’s a mistress and a Dom for women only. She was kind enough to take me under her wing. She’s married to this guy who also attends these mixers, but is not really part of the scene. This woman has been so amazing teaching me and letting me sit in on her sessions. Her submissives have also been amazing and so patient with me as I find my footing.

So this leads me to my problem. I’ve only dominated with her 3 times. Each time it gets easier and more comfortable and I love it. And strange as it sounds, now this mistress has invited me to dominate her. And I understand that this is a huge honor for a seasoned Dom to invite a novice to dominate her. The one thing that tears me is her husband. She also has a child. So I need to know what the etiquette is what the boundaries are on this. I can’t hardly go up to the husband and say, “hey, is it ok for me to spank your wife.” I guess I feel a little taboo about that.

My friend, you are bringing your traditional middle-class vanilla value system to this new alternative and very un-vanilla situation that you now find yourself in. This conventional value system and its accompanying boundaries may serve you well in your “regular” life, but here in this new life, they are outmoded and cumbersome.

gentleThat is not to say that in the kink world anything goes. On the contrary, it’s just that the value system here is way different and thus so will the etiquette be. Here’s a rule of thumb that you can live by. When someone, particularly someone of exceptional stature in alt culture, like this dominant woman, invites you to participate with her in a scene; she is letting you know that these are the boundaries. You’ll rarely go wrong if you allow your more seasoned partner to lead you, even if you are going to be the Dom in an upcoming scene.

Regarding her husband, he’s not the one who authorizes or prohibits the encounter. It is the woman who is in charge. I mean it’s conceivable that he could be a cuckold for his wife. Much stranger things have happened, don’t cha know. And if you don’t know about the cuckold fetish that so many men groove on, then you have even more remedial study ahead of you.

I do appreciate that you continue to check in with me about your adventure. I am so proud of you for being humble enough to submit to a woman’s tutelage. That marks you as an exceptional fellow indeed. Keep it up and keep me posted.

Finally I want to encourage you to check out my podcast series called Sex EDGE-U-cation.  This is the series where we take a look at the fascinating world of fetish sex and kink. In fact, you might invite your new Dom woman friend to listen in with you. I chat with amazing guests from around the world, and each of them offers a unique perspective on live on the edge.  Of particular interest will be my conversations with these marvelous professional Doms:  Mistress Katherine, Mistress Matisse, Lady Lydia, Lady HotchKiss, Claire Adams, Eve Minax, and Cleo Dubois.

Good luck

Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby

Name: Rachel
Gender: Female
Age:
Location:
I just met someone online and I’d like to maybe try my hand at being a dominatrix, but not really sure where to begin. He emailed me some questions he wished me to answer, I was wondering if you could maybe help with a couple of ideas/suggestions on how to answer them just to get me started. I’m having a hard time finding people to contact about this. Oh and by the way am a sugar baby, it would be a sd/sb relationship (sugar daddy/sugar baby) which I thought might be the perfect way to start a BDSM relationship because I would like to adopt an alternate personality anyways. I’m really hoping not to be judged by anyone for any of this. I’m really having trouble getting started; maybe I need to just get into character? Think you can help me?

I kinda think being a dominatrix is a whole lot more than role-playing or getting into character, darlin’, unless, of course, you are simply a dilettante. And if that’s all you’re really interested in, it really doesn’t make a difference how you play this out. You can be as silly as you want.Sugar-Daddy

Think of this as being something similar to mastering a new language. Curiously enough, there are a lot of similarities between these two efforts. Just like leaning a few words and phrases in a foreign tongue doesn’t make you proficient in that language. So too donning a leather bustier and smacking a ridding crop against your leg doesn’t make you a dominatrix. Get it? Got it? Good!

dominatrix01However, if you really want to get into the life, there’s a considerable amount of remedial work ahead of you. Before you can claim the title “dominatrix” you will have to make an intensive study of what this entails. This is best done under the tutelage of another reputable Dom. Of course, not every pro-Dom is gonna want to take on an novice and show her the ropes, as it were. It’s no wonder you’re having problems connecting with others who might help you. But if you’re lucky, you might find a kind soul out there who will give you a break. And just so you know, these lessons will not come cheaply.

I also encourage you to approach others in the life with a good deal more deference and thoughtfulness then how you approached me. If they get a sense that you are simply an airhead twit, you’ll be out before you are even in.

Finally, I suggest that you listen to any one or all of the interviews I’ve done with real professional Dominatrices. I think you will find them both enlightening and informative. Here’s Mistress Katherine, Mistress Matisse,
Eve Minax, Lady Lydia, Lady Hotchkiss, Claire Adams, and Cleo Dubois.

Good luck