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Sobriety & Sex

Name: Gregg
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Seattle
Since getting sober now almost 8 years ago I am very tense about sex and I feel as though I have lost my mojo. I am unable to relax and be intimate with a man and I am thinking I need an intimacy coach or sex coach, or something. Perhaps someone with tantra training who can help me find a comfort level with my body again and being touched and touching another.

Hey, thanks for your interesting question. Sadly, yours is not an uncommon concern. In fact, I just finished an 8-week group for men in recovery who were dealing with similar intimacy issues. A lot of the work we did together was helping one another reestablish a sense of trust.

legs & bootsSo many of us gay men start out our sexual lives with alcohol and/or drugs to help us overcome our inhibitions as well as a means of dulling some of the anti-gay messaging that comes to us from the world around us. Sometimes, the substances take hold of us and instead of we being in control the substances are in control. There was one guy in the group I just mentioned who is in his 5o’s, and he confessed to the group that before he got clean and sober, a couple years ago, he had never had sex sober. And he had been sexually active since his early twenties.

Substance abuse can rob us of more than just our dignity. It often effects our sexual response cycle in ways that diminish our ability to enjoy our sexuality. Men often report erection problems and women report arousal phase problems when they come off booze and or drugs. This, as you suggest, impacts on our comfort level in all intimate situations. If our parts aren’t working like we would want them to, we’d rather avoid intimate contact rather than be embarrassed. So, in other words, when we rid ourselves of the substances that once enabled us, we often need to relearn how to be ourselves, particularly in intimate situations.

Learning to trust others enough to open ourselves to others, even with our “brokenness,” is the key to regaining our sense of sexual self. We need to learn how to overcome our shame, which often gets in the way of reaching out to others. And if some of our shame is unresolved internalized homophobia, well then, we really have some work to do.tit bite

I think you’ve hit upon the perfect solution to your pressing problem. Working with a sex coach or intimacy coach is definitely one way to go. For those challenged, as you are, verbal therapy is great. But there is no substitute for actual hands-on therapy.

I know several people who have been helped by a surrogate partner or a sexual healer. I applaud you for thinking so creatively. Of course, finding the right person to work with will be a challenge. And I should mention that other helping professionals, even some sexologists, do not always look upon these kinds of interventions as legitimate. That’s a pity, but what are ya gonna do.

As you know, there are loads of sex workers out there. Unfortunately, very few have the training needed to provide surrogate partner therapy, or understand the delicate issues that a trained sexual healer must deal with. I hope you find what you are looking for.

If you need someone to discuss this with further, give me a shout. You’ll find my contact information on either the ABOUT page or the THERAPY AVAILABLE page in the header above.

Good luck

Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

ANOTHER SEXUAL ENRICHMENT TUTORIAL

Beginning Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

The most frequent questions I get are from your average Dick and Jane, (or Dick and Dick, or Jane and Jane) who want to spice up their sex life. Inevitably they describe the kind of sex they’re currently having. And almost universally the description makes this grown man cry. Jeez, the boredom. How do they stand it? It’s a wonder any of them are having any sex at all.

What is it with the humdrum, run of the mill, and the “we’ve always done it that way mentality?” Are ya’ll afraid that if you add a little something new to your sex chore, from time to time, that the sky will fall? Holy cow!

Today’s tutorial is another attempt to motivate you to get off your butts and make something interesting happen in the sex department. We’ll begin with what was once called foreplay.

First off, I hate the word “foreplay” because it suggests that all these really great sex activities are only a lead up to a single “more important” activity — fucking. It also implies that ya’ll can dispense with the one in order to hurry up and get to the other. And that, my friends, is always a huge mistake.

do-not-disturb.jpgFrom now on I want us to banish “foreplay” from our vocabulary. Instead let’s start using “Sex Play.” It says it all, and it makes no suggestion that anything in particular must follow.

I’m of the mind that we’d all be better served if we thought of sex play as a continuum of pleasure and pleasuring — with a beginning, middle and an end. If you ask me, our sex play ought mirror our sexual response cycles — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution. That way we’re less likely to overburden one particular activity at the expense of all the others. Get it? Got it? Good!

Experienced sex fans agree; the best sexual encounters include an extended period of sensual play at the beginning of most sex play. This brings increased pleasure to both partners, and will make whatever else that might follow more satisfying. Just remember, sex play can be a meal in itself.

Sex play brings spice to the encounter because it gets our motors started. Even all you major sex athletes out there who are perpetually primed for sex will benefit from some hearty sex play. It will help cool your jets and make the encounter last longer than a firecracker. And I know that you know what I mean!rose-flogger

In our hectic rush around world, sex play is particularly important. It helps us transition from the daily cares and woes to the realm of sensual pleasures. The workaholics among us need more time to become fully aroused. Their minds are still filled with the junk of the day, and not yet ready to give or receive pleasure. And pleasuring and being pleasured takes a big attitude shift from that of the rest of the day. In fact, if you’re gonna approach sex and pleasuring with the same mindset you have on the job or with the kids, give it up now and be done with it. You’ll only walk away from the encounter disappointed.

Heart PadlockSex play primes us for maximum pleasure. Men will have the time we need to come to full erection and women will have the time they need to properly lubricate. By the way, this is called the arousal stage in our sexual response cycle. But you probably know that already, right?

When we stop thinking of sex play as “foreplay” we realize there is no such thing as spending too much time giving and getting pleasure. If sex play evolves into full-on fucking — SWELL. Both partners will be fully aroused and fucking will flow naturally and effortlessly from the pleasure enjoyed at the beginning of sex play.

Sex play can include everything from chocolate and whipped cream to whips and chains. But let’s not get too far ahead of our selves. Let’s start at the beginning of sex play. Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being helped out of our daily wear and into something sexy or nothing at all can be very arousing. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. We could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living, but there’s more about this in another tutorial — The Big Tease; How to Strip for Someone Special.Kama Sutra Body Souffle

Creating the right sex environment is important too. Make sure the room is warm. Proper lighting and music will surely add to the mood. Scents are also important. More and more people are incorporating erotica into their sex play — reading a sexy story together or enjoying some hot porn will make the encounter memorable.

Most women complain that their partners don’t kiss long enough and rush the kissing to get at their pussy. Guys, what the fuck? You want pussy? Use your mouth to maximum advantage kiss and nibble all over everything. Literally devour your partner with your mouth. Believe me, if you do this right, by the time you get to her pussy she’s gonna want to give it up big time.

Sex play is the perfect time for setting the mood for all that might follow. It’s a time for sharing fantasies, role-playing, dirty talk or some full body massage. Always have some nice lotion available then use your hands, forearms, feet and elbows to knead your partner’s muscles and naughty bits.

GOK small coverCertain areas on the body are more hot-wired than others. It’s your job to find each and every one your partner has. As you massage vary your strokes and touch to stimulate your partner. Roll your fingertips across his or her nipples and behind his or her ears as you kiss him and tease her with your tongue.

If you’re doin things right, your partner will be moaning with pleasure. If she or he starts getting impatient it’s time to bring out the restraints. There’s nothing like some hot erotic bondage to punctuate your sex play.

While your darling is subdued and possibly blindfolded, crank things up a notch. Add different sensations and stimuli, a warm chocolate sauce followed by ice cream. A fur mitt followed by a Loofah. Introduce some sex toys — a vibrator, tit clamps, or an anal stimulator.

Don’t forget to check in with your partner from time to time. Ask for some feedback and direction. Do you like this? Or do you like this better? Never presume to know what your partner likes simply because he or she liked it before, this is a recipe for boredom and the dreaded bed death. If words fail you, SHOW your partner what you want. Then encourage your partner to do the same to younipple_clamps.jpg.

Sex play is not about pressing the right buttons in the right order. It is about understanding what makes your partner tick and supplying and applying those things to their greatest sensual advantage. There are many ways to give your partner extreme pleasure, and it all begins in your brain. Sex play is as much of an art form as it is a necessity.

Finally, the basic premise behind all of this is that a great lover is one that gives pleasure because it is its own reward, not a means to getting something else.

Good luck ya’ll

More of The Erotic Mind of Stan Cole — Podcast #408 — 02/24/14


Hey sex fans,

Ya know what? Last week I was so excited to introduce you to my guest that I completely forgot to mention that stan cole2last week’s podcast marked my 7th anniversary of podcasting. Holy Cow, that’s a lotta podcasting. Hurray for me and all the people who, by their generous donations, make this fun, interesting, and informative sex positive resource available world-wide.

And what better example of the kind of stuff you will find in my podcasts than this The Erotic Mind show. And what better example of the fascinating artists you will find on this show than the very talented, Stan Cole. Who just so happens to be here for Part 2 of his conversation with us about his delightful work.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat or his first slide show, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #407 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Stan and I discuss:

  • Idealized masculinity and including men of color;
  • What drives his erotic creativity;
  • His fondness for spooge;
  • Developing trends in erotic art;
  • Art and porn;
  • What is erotic in art;
  • Erotic art and personal eroticism;
  • What he looks for in the erotic art of others;
  • Artists who inspires him;
  • Advice for the novice erotic artist.

Stan invites you to visit him on his website HERE! Buy his work HERE! Look for him on Tumblr HERE! And Twitter HERE!

Click on the thumbnail images below to see another slideshow of Stan’s smutty work.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

Maybe a little on the side…

Name: Keith
Gender: Male
Age: 65
Location: Montreal
I’ve been in a 32-year marriage with a man. We’ve adopted children together. Lately he’s become impotent. He won’t take any of the meds for erectile dysfunction. I’m still a very, very horny man and wanting sex. I wonder what your advice would be for us. Communication has always been a big part of our relationship, so telling me to discuss this with him won’t be helpful. I’ve done that already. I am considering looking for a sex partner other than my husband, but I don’t want to jeopardize my marriage. And let me know what you think.

OK, here’s what I think. I think a lot of gay men (and straight folks too) stay together in healthy, loving, long-term relationships, even though the relationship (or marriage) is sexless. Most people in these relationships choose domestic tranquility over sexual tension. That sounds like you and your husband, right? And sometimes the partners in these types of relationships give one another permission to pursue the sexual gratification they need and want outside the primary relationship.

feet on buttThat being said, there is certainly a large percentage of gay men (straight folks too) who could not, nor would they want to not stay in a sexless, or one-sided relationship. And so this alternative satellite relationship arrangement would not appeal to them. But this doesn’t sound like you.

The secret here then is to get the permission you need to find what you are looking for before you start the search. I can tell you from my many years of experience that nothing will undermine even a strong, healthy relationship faster than one of the partners launching out on his own looking for satisfaction without asking his partner’s permission to fly solo.

And if you think “flying solo” is only about sex, you are mistaken. Imagine if one person in a relationship unilaterally decided to make a big purchase with communal funds; a purchase so large that it would jeopardize the family’s financial stability. This kind of “flying solo” could easily crash a relationship.

You say that you and your old man are competent in the communication department. Excellent! Because you’re gonna need all those communication skills to broach the subject of sexual independence.

Of course, not to do anything, or settle for the status quo is not an option either. Living without a healthy sexual outlet, even if it can’t be with one’s primary partner will only lead to aggravation and disappointment and that will destabilize even the best of relationships. My experience tells me that the sexually vital partner living in a sexless marriage, like you Keith, will inevitably build up so much frustration that he won’t be able to control it. There will inevitably be an explosion, one that could easily destroy your relationship.open relationship

I’ve worked with dozens of couples, like you and your partner. Some develop strategies for fixing the sexual problems that have come between them. These couples choose to work on rebuilding mutual sexual satisfaction into the relationship. And that can happen lots of different ways. Others couples decide that mutuality can never be achieved and thus they choose to amicably end the relationship and move on. But there is always that third way where one partner concedes that he is unable to fulfill his marital duties and thus grants his partner the freedom (within bounds) to follow his dick.

One can only hope that your partner will welcome this discussion. If he refuses to join you in that conversation, he is in the wrong. I can understand not knowing exactly what to say about things that are goin’ south, or even not knowing how best to say what may be on your mind, but to clam up all together, that would be unjust.

handOnce a couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for the path of least resistance. Your leadership might be just the thing your husband is looking for to muster his own strength to face the facts. Either way, the problem you are facing will not go away simply by ignoring it. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surly fuck things up royally.

Good luck

Add Some Buzz To Your Fuzz

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Hey sex fans!

It’s Product Review Friday! And this week we feature yet another innovative product from the creative folks at Perfect Fit Brand.  And when PFB sends us products to review we know we’re in for something special.  As you all probably know the Perfect Fit Brand is responsible for The Best Product or Toy for Men for both 2012 and 2013.

To keep track of all our PFB reviews use the search function in the header of DrDickSexToyReviews.com, type in Perfect Fit Brand, and Voilà!

Dr Dick Review Crew members, Kevin & Gina are back with us after a long hiatus, so they’ll do the honors today.

Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator —— $54.57

Kevin & Gina
Gina: “We’re back! Did you miss us? We sure as hell missed you.”
Kevin: “We’ve been really busy since our last posting back in July of last year. I took a new job, Gina was doing some teaching, and the biggest news, we got hitched. That’s right, I finally made an honest woman of the lass.”
Gina: “I didn’t really care if I was ‘honest’ or not, but my mom sure did. She and my dad are super-Catholics and they were in torment these last few years knowing their only daughter was living in sin. OMG, if they only knew. Anyhow, some friends of ours, a gay couple, mind you, decided to get married and asked Kevin and I stand up with them. My first maid of honor gig and there wasn’t even a bride.”Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator black
Kevin: “I figured if Tad and Colin could take the plunge, so could I. Right after their wedding I got down on my knee and proposed to Gina.”
Gina: “Totally romantic, and in front of all our friends too! I couldn’t say no. Well, I guess I could have said no, but I didn’t want to. Kevin’s my man! He’s a pervert, but he’s my pervert. Three months later, Kevin and I walked down the aisle of the church I was baptized in. The priest waved his hand over us and we promised never to part.”
Kevin: “But just to let everyone know we weren’t mainlining the whole religion thing, Tad was my best man and Colin was Gina’s ‘maid of honor.’ Gina’s parents were scandalized and the priest was all weirded out, but it was our fuckin’ wedding and if we had to do it in a church, then we’d do it our way.”
Gina: “That was more information than I expected to share, but there ya have it. Now, on to our review. Here’s the Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator.”
Kevin: “Or as we like to call it, my super-duper vibrating cockring. Ya all know what a cockring is and does, right? If not, check out Dr Dick’s Cockring Crash CourseOrbit is from Perfect Fit Brand. Another one of their cockrings, Armour Up, was among last year’s Best Products of the Year. In fact, Orbit is the Armour Up ring on steroids.” Orbit BodyFit Vibrating Stimulator
Gina: “That’s right! The creative minds over at Perfect Fit Brand have proven that not only do they create brilliant products for men, but they know how to please a woman too. Orbit, like Kevin just mentioned, has all the features of the Armour Up for him, but it also has a powerful built in bullet vibe for me. The easy to switch on, three-speed vibe is powered by three of those tiny round watch batteries.  And they are included in the package. You can easily remove the bullet from the Orbit to change batteries.”
Kevin: “Yep; my erection is enhanced, I have more intense orgasms with Orbit, and the vibe is so powerful that I can feel it throughout my pelvis. Very fuckin’ cool!”
Gina: “Orbit is made of a proprietary blend of silicone and TPR (a thermoplastic elastomer), which makes it latex-free, nonporous, and phthalate-free. And it is super-stretchy for comfort and durability. It come in both black and clear.  You can use water-based lube or silicone-based lube with it as you please. And it cleans up with with mild soap and water. Nothing could be easier.”
Kevin: “For anyone who is looking for a quick and simple way to spice things up in the bedroom without breaking the bank, Orbit is the product for you. And consider this; once Orbit is in place, around your cock and balls, and turned on, the only thing left to do is have sex. Unlike other vibrators, Orbit leaves your hands free to massage, caress, grope, pinch, spank, or whatever else happens when your hands are free to do the talking.”
Gina: “The Perfect Fit Brand keeps cranking out the winners. I hope, that one of these days, they will turn their attention to creating a product or two just for us gals. But until that time, I’ll be enjoying Orbit right along with Kevin.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY!

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