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Stretching out of the sexual doldrums

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Name: Gwen
Gender:
Age: 57
Location: Philly
My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the internet helps too. 😉 Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you, Gwen

No, thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. In fact it’s so familiar I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships. Like you and your old man, these couples have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives.senior intimacy

I take a very unique approach to these groups by inviting both straight and gay couples to the same group. At first I got a lot of resistance. Most couples, both gay and straight, think there is nothing to be learned from a couple unlike them. They can’t imagine why I would want to integrate the group in such a manner. I think most of my couples feel more comfortable being in a segregated group — straight folks with straight folks, gay folks with gay folks.

But that is of course the reason I integrate the groups. I don’t want them to feel all comfy and cozy, I wanted them to work and learn and stretch themselves out of their sexual doldrums. At first, I had to ask all my couples to suspend judgment about an integrated group until they had an opportunity to participate in one. Now I don’t encounter so much resistance. Word’s gotten out that this is a really creative solution to an otherwise tricky problem. And that old married couples, regardless if they are gay, lesbian or straight have very similar problems. And they can and do learn from one another.

To your specific issue, Gwen, I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to the cooch, but you can’t make him lick, if ya know what I mean.

Fat man holding a measurement tape against white background

Fat man holding a measurement tape against white background

You confide that you husband is overweight and stressed; this is not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if your challenged him about his general health — encourage weight loss and stress reduction, you might find that this would also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.

And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from a woman who is eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.

Men also go through changes, in midlife. There’s even a name for it — andropause — the male menopause as it were. It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation in which to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men.

Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into our senior years. I think you already know this, Gwen, but many women in my audience don’t.sensual touch

If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:

  • Hugging, cuddling, kissing
  • reading erotica aloud together
  • Touching, stroking, massage, sensual baths
  • Masturbation and oral sex

However, if your husband is more wedded to food and stress than he is to you, and if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. 57 is way too young to say goodbye to your sex life.

May I suggest joining a women’s group. Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, involving yourself with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in a sex life with them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.

Good luck

Wet and Wild

Name: Phil
Gender: Male
Age: 46
Location: UK
Dear Dr Dick, First I must congratulate you on the two fascinating interviews you held with the delicious Tony Buff.   What an incredibly sexy, compassionate and intelligent man he is, I could have listened to him all day. Anyway, I digress. Tony spoke a lot about the importance of safe sex practices in general as well as within the BDSM genre. He often engages in piss play/watersports and I am keen to know the risks involved in such a practice, as there seems to be a number of mixed messages out there on this subject. I have enjoyed this element of sex play myself, intermittently for a number of years, mostly with lovers/partners. And whilst I don’t consider that I have ever put myself or anyone else at risk, it would be good to know some plain hard facts on the matter, regarding the transmission of sexual infections or otherwise. Perhaps you could clarify what is considered safe and that which is risky, within this practice, in other words, the dos and don’ts. Thanks for your time.

Wow! That brings me back, Phil. The interview you mention happened five years ago. (You can find Part 1 and Part 2 HERE and HERE!) Even though I am no longer podcasting, I am so glad to hear that folks are still discovering my shows, even show from so long ago. For anyone not familiar with my podcast archive, you can find it by clicking on the PODCAST tab in the header.golden-shower1

So you want some plain hard facts, darlin’? I got ‘em. In fact, I forwarded your question to THE MAN himself, Tony Buff. And here’s his response:

That is an excellent question, Phil. Many people don’t understand the risks associated with piss play/watersports. According to the BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex booklet published by the AIDS Committee of Toronto, urine with no blood is fine on the outside of intact skin and urine in the mouth is a negligible risk for getting HIV but if your partner has a urinary tract infection there is a risk of catching other sexually transmitted infections. It’s also important to note that drugs can pass through urine chemically unchanged. Drinking large quantities of urine from someone who has been taking recreational drugs can pass those drugs on to your system. And, if you’re HIV positive be aware that drinking the urine of someone on different treatment drugs than your own regime can cause drug treatment resistance.

So those are the risks. Again, every person has the right to determine his or her own risk profile. With open, honest communication you and your play partner or partners should be able to determine which risks are present and how to best mitigate them. I hope that helps.

Oh, and by the way, you can find the BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex booklet HERE!

So there you have it, directly from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. And if you want to know my thoughts on the matter, which just so happens to mirror the amazing Mr Buff’s thoughts, use the search function in the sidebar to your right and simply type in “watersports” or “golden showers” and Voilà!

Good luck

How things work down there

Name: Samantha
Gender: female
Age: 17
Location: Kansas City, KS
I’m with this boy and his penis is too big. Like it literally hits the end of my vagina and there’s still an inch or two hanging out. I’m not sure why, but when he want to go all the way in it hurts. It hurts like virgin hurts. It’s not fun at all. But when he doesn’t go all the way in and keeps those couple of inches out, it’s the best sex of my life. But then he always ruins it by shoving the whole thing in, if you know what I mean. I’m just wondering if you have any advice on how he could control himself, or help me tolerate his thrusting. I’m just wondering if there is any help for this.
PS: I love your podcasts!

Aww shucks! Thanks for your kind words about the podcasts, darlin’. I really appreciate it.

As to the issue you raise about your horse-hung BF, I have a whole lot to say, don’t cha know. I have suggestions for him, suggestions for you, and suggestions for the both of you. You’ll also find one of my Sexual Enrichment Tutorials: Basic Sexual Positions For One And All, very helpful.

feet

First, here are my suggestions for your BF. I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that he is a young thing like you, and he has yet to learn how to handle that big pipe of his. So many guys, regardless of their cock size, think that they are givin’ their woman some mighty fine pleasure by slammin’ into them like a wild stallion. These guys probably picked up this unfortunate information through watching porn. And if there is one thing that we all can say for sure it is, if a guy gets his sex education from porn, he’s gonna be poorly equipped for when he encounters a real woman who’s gonna let him jump her bones.Woman_On_Top

In your BF’s defense, he’s only doin what comes naturally. Here’s the thing; as he gets closer to cuming he will increase his thrusts and try to smash deeper inside you. Nature programmed us men folk to do this to insure the spunk we’re about to spew will land as close to the female’s cervix as possible. After all nature’s only concern is insuring successful impregnation of female, not insuring her pleasure. Bummer that, huh?

I guess you realize, as I do, that this brutish natural tendency needs to be tamed if there’s gonna be any pleasure in it for you. And guess what? There’s no one better situated to subdue the beast in your BF than you. Probably neither you, or you BF knows all that much about your internal anatomy. Am I right? Thought so. That’s why I think you both might benefit from a remedial anatomy lesson. Did you know a vulva is made up of the same tissue as a penis and scrotum? In other words a cock and balls are simply a pussy on a stick. And pussies come in a variety of sizes shapes, just like cocks & balls.

Ok, so we’re clear on that point, right? Excellent. Now the variation in size and shape of the external components of female genitalia, the vulva, vaginal lips, clit, etc., are only a preview of the amazing capacities of the internal components, the vagina itself. A vagina is best understood as a potential space. It’s very expandable. It has to be, since whole babies come pushin’ through that space from time to time. I’m just gonna hope that you both are clear on that concept.

Again if you follow where I’m going with this you’ll realize that just about any adult female vagina is able to accommodate even the really big boys. However, being able to accommodate and wanting to be impaled by a giant johnson are two very different things.

This brings me to my suggestions for you, Sam. I wholeheartedly recommend that one day real soon you have a nice long talk with the BF about you and your parts. But you have to familiarize yourself with them first. It’s beyond me why the men folk don’t ask to be introduced to a new cunt before they start pokin’ at it. Like I said earlier, everyone’s is different. I mean, most guys will take some time to figure out what all the buttons, gizmos, gadgets, and levers do when he gets behind the wheel of a new car, right? Why they don’t to that with an unfamiliar pussy is beyond me. But I digress.

Take your BF by the hand, literally and show him around. It’ll be your job to point out all the really exciting points of interest in your neither regions…and there are plenty of ‘em, don’t cha know. I’d be willing to guess that you both will be sorely amazed. Most guys think their dick is talented. But let me tell you, it pales in comparison to a cooch.

Let me introduce you both to a little exercise called: THE AT HOME SEXOLOGICAL EXAMINATION. I use this exercise frequently in my private practice.

Disposable-Vaginal-SpeculumThis exercise is designed to facilitate communication with your partner about what each of you likes and dislikes about genital stimulation. You will need a good anatomically correct diagram of both the female and male genitalia — internal as well as external.   You will also need a speculum, hand mirror, and a flashlight. I suppose you know what a speculum is, right? It’s a medical device designed for investigating body cavities. You can get an inexpensive plastic disposable vaginal speculum online for around seven bucks.  Believe me it’s well worth the price. You probably could get one from your doctor or your local Planned Parenthood clinic too. All ya gotta do is ask.

How to proceed:

  1. Look online for a really good diagram of both the female and male genitalia. Make sure the diagrams you choose label all the parts, inside and out. Print these out if necessary. You’re gonna want to have the diagrams close to hand for this exercise.sex exam
  2. Take turns examining and being examined. It’s gonna be just like playing doctor. First, look for and then touch to all the parts of your external genitalia — he touches you and you touch him. This is touching for information as opposed to touching for pleasure, but it’ll be pleasurable nonetheless.
  3. Give each other plenty of specific feedback about what you are discovering. Be honest. Try different strokes on all of the parts. Use some agreed upon system for designating pleasure, like a scale of 1-5. 1 = discomfort, 3 = neutral, and 5 = hot, hot, hot. You could use colors just as well as numbers; it’s up to you.
  4. Once you have the parts down, so to speak, allow the person being examined (person A) to guide the hand of the examiner (person B). The examiner (B) allows the one who is being examined (person A) to be in charge for a few minutes. Person A guides person B’s hand in the areas, strokes, rhythms, pressures she or he prefers.
  5. Person B then takes over without guidance from person A. Person B spends some time giving the strokes he or she enjoys giving. Person A provides specific feedback — “I like that! I don’t much like that!” Use your fingers, hands, and mouth.
  6. Once you are familiar with one another’s external genitalia, you’ll want to use the speculum to take a peek inside your vagina. You, Sam will need a hand mirror and the BF will need the flashlight.
  7. With the speculum in place and open, see if you can find your cervix. It should be pretty obvious. I believe it is your cervix that your BF is bumping into with his deep manly thrusts. And that, as you well know, is pretty damn painful. Once he has an appreciation of how things are situated inside you, he will have a much better appreciation for how to pleasure you, without hurting you. And you will know what to do to help him get off without hurting you.
  8. If you feel like having sex when you’ve finished your exam, I encourage you to wait at least a couple of hours before you do. This way you can better focus on the educational aspects of this exercise as opposed to having it be just seductive foreplay.  Sometimes, information gathering can be really sexy too.

Finally, as I said earlier, check out that sexual positions tutorial. You may find that all you and the BF need to do is come up with a new position for the fuck, like you on top, or doggie style.

Good luck





Help! It hurts when I do this.

Name: Dylan
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Location: Australia
Hi Dr Dick, I’ve got a painful and irritating problem that my GP wasn’t able to help with, so I’m hoping you can. After I spend time edging, or develop blueballs, I get an intense burning sensation in my urethra. It usually doesn’t happen until after I cum, then urinate, but occasionally it’ll happen while edging. If I sit on the toilet and push as though urinating, it calms down significantly, but returns when I stand up. It usually goes after about half an hour of. I had a STI check (Urethral Swab. Oww. No sounding for me thanks) and it came back all clean, and in all other respects my junk is normal. Any ideas about what’s going on, or how I can fix it? Thanks!

This reminds me of the old joke where a guy goes to see his doctor about a pain he is having. The doctor sits him down and asks him where it hurts. The guy says, “It hurts when I do this.” And he takes his hand, makes a fist and punches himself in the side of the head. The doctor nods knowingly and says, “Stop doing that, and I guarantee the pain will subside.”

give up dickListen Dylan, whatever the root cause of the burning sensation you report is — and I can honestly say you have me stumped there — I pretty much can guarantee that it will subside if you cease the edging you are doing, or at least cut way back on that.

Like I said, I’ve never encountered this particular phenomenon before, so I can’t advise you further. And if your GP couldn’t put his finger on it, so to speak, and the burning sensation only happens when you edge or practice orgasm denial, then simply stop doing that and things will get better. I promise. After all, it’s not like you can’t live without edging. If, on the other hand, you said that you had discomfort every time you had an erection, then there’d be cause for alarm. But if the owie is only associated with something self-induced, then that’s a horse of a different color. See what I mean?

And here’s a tip: if you’re doing something that is causing pain or discomfort — and that’s not your intention — then your body is sending you a message that whatever you are doing it’s too much or it’s unhealthy. I am of the mind that we all ought to listen more closely to the messages our body sends us about what it needs and what it doesn’t need.

Oh, and for those in my audience who don’t know what the fuck “edging” is, it’s a stop/start masturbation technique designed to prolong the time it takes a guy to reach his climax. An edger will begin to wank like normal, but when he gets near to cumming — he stops stroking, sometimes even squeezing his cock till the urge to shoot subsides. Once the urge to cum quiets down, he begins to stroke again. Stopping again whenever he approaches climax. He repeats this whole ‘stop and start’ cycle for as many times as he would like, so that when he finally shoots he’ll have a stronger orgasm and he’ll spew more spunk.edging

I know a lot of men who edge and they swear by it. I also know that a number of these men are doing themselves a disservice, even harm, because they are practicing an extreme version of edging. In the end, despite the stand-up nature of our dick, it is a very delicate instrument. Intense edging, especially accompanied by nasty squeezing or slapping to quell the building ejaculation can be injurious.

So maybe, Dylan, just maybe ya oughta take a break from edging for a while and see if this burning issue doesn’t resolve itself.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

A Labor Of (self) Love

Our brief summer holiday is coming rapidly to an end. The Dr Dick Review Crew is straggling back home and our podcasts will resume on Wednesday, 09/05/12. But today is Labor Day and I think we should acknowledge those who labor at self-love.

Name: Amy
Gender: female
Age: 23
Location: salt lake city
I have this weird thing that when I masturbate with a vibrator I can’t seem to bring myself to an orgasm. It feels really good and everything, but I get almost there but can’t quite cum. Does that make sense? It’s been awhile since I had a guy…but I digress. I was just wondering if you have any advice, or if I’m doing it wrong, or…I just need some help. Thanks a lot.

Hold on there, darlin’, are you tellin me you can jill-off just fine using your hand, but when you kick start your vibrator and apply it to your naughty bits you can’t cum? Is that what you’re tellin’ the good doctor? Or maybe I’m assuming things I shouldn’t. Maybe you’re not masturbating to orgasm at all, by hand or by gadget.

Since you’re not here to fill me in, so to speak, the best way to handle this is with a scatter gun approach. If you’re unable to jill-off to completion by any means, manual or mechanical, you may be preorgasmic. I’ve written a lot about this already, so there’s no need for me to repeat myself. Here’s what you do; check the CATEGORY pull down menu in the sidebar to your right.  Look for the main category — Sex therapy and under that look for the subcategory ‘Preorgasmic Women‘. Or check out the main category — Sexual Performance and look for the subcategory ‘Female Masturbation‘. You’ll find loads of swell information about this very topic.

If, perchance, you can masturbate just fine using your hand, but the rub (no pun intended) comes when you introduce a vibrator, then that’s a horse of a different color. In that instance, I’ll need more information before I can be of much help. Like, I’d want to know what kind of vibe are you using? Is it an all purpose wand type? A dildo kinda thingy that you insert in your pussy? Is it a rabbit, a G-spot vibe, a bullet or an egg-shaped vibrator? Are you doing any direct clitoral stimulation?

If you can make yourself cum through manual stimulation, how different a sensation is the vibrator? Is it possible that you need more vroom? Is it too intense?

What about other stimulus? Like what’s going on between your ears while you’re diddlin’ yourself? Are you thinking dirty thoughts? Watching some delicious smut? Reading some kick-ass erotica? Or are you concentrating so much on making the big “O” happen to actually let it happen? Chicks get performance anxiety too, even when they are by themselves. Performance anxiety is not just a guy thing.

I discussed your question with my friend, Joy. She asked me to ask you about the position you are in when you’re jillin-off. She said she had the damnedest time throwing herself her first screamin’ meme, even with a vibrator until she discovered that getting into a squatting position with her back against a wall did the trick. Stands to reason, orgasms are all about building sexual and muscle tension. Joy found that squatting tensed her hamstrings, quadriceps, glutes and even her PC muscle. This tension was just the thing to deliver the goods. Joy did add, however, that getting out of the squat after the event was really tricky. She said that in the end, she just learned to simply topple over with a bit of a thud. I had to laugh when she told me this, because I couldn’t help seeing Joy in my mind’s eye (she’s a big girl, don’t cha know) all breathless and topsy-turvy on the floor with a big ol’ shit-eatin grin on her face after finally delivering herself from the land of the preorgasmic.

One final thing, I’ve often heard women speak of the high success rate of jillin-off to orgasm in the bath. Again, this stands to reason too. Here you are all relaxed, warm and cozy, all wet and squishy. Why not add a little jet of warm water or a waterproof vibe and you’ll be havin’ an orgasm as easy as fallin’ off a log…or so I’m told. Just remember, baths and plug-in, electrical kinda vibes definitely don’t mix! A miscalculation here and you’ll find your ass in the sweet hereafter.

Listen, Amy, why not write back sometime with either more information or to report a success. I’d love to hear from you.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

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