I want to share an exchange I had with a fellow named Nick. He’s 30 years old and writes from Canberra.
Nick: “So here’s the situation and some facts. Newly out – i.e. just started hooking up with guys last year (I’m 30 years old) and in fact just started having sex last year.”
Dr Dick: Better late than never, huh Nick? 😉
Nick: “I have meet up with a few guys now but it has mostly been to have a bit of fun – often without sex. When I do have sex I get more enjoyment out of being topped rather than topping.”
DD: I would say that you are in the majority in this regard. There are more bottoms in the gay-dom than tops.
Nick: “When I do try to give anal, I go partially soft and actually cannot feel anything, even though the guy I’m topping can feel me and gets off.”
DD: Again, not a particularly uncommon complaint. If I had to guess you are like a lot of men who are new to gay sex. They often experience what we, in the business, call performance anxiety. I’ve written and spoken a great deal about this. You can find all these posting by going to the CATEGORIES section in the sidebar of my site. Scroll down till you find the heading: SEX THERAPY. Under that heading you will find numerous sub-categories. The one you are looking for is titles: Performance Anxiety.
Nick: “My cock is a fairly decent size (7.5 inches and fairly thick).”
DD: Mmmm, lovely! 😉
Nick: “The same is the case for when I am getting oral — I just cant feel it or enjoy it.”
DD: Again, this is pretty familiar territory for me. I see a lot of this in my practice. Generally speaking, guys get so into their head that they are unable to enjoy the pleasure sensations in the rest of their body.
Nick: “As a result I have never cum with a guy, even though I come close, especially when I am being topped.”
DD: Yep, this is pretty classic. Sounds more and more like performance anxiety.
Nick: “This is proving to be a problem. I have started getting serious with a guy and he is getting frustrated that I don’t cum.”
DD: I can pretty much assure you that things will only get worse if you don’t nip this in the bud, my friend. Have you ever thought about talking to a therapist about this? I really encourage you do so before this becomes a full-blown sexual dysfunction. You may have noticed this already, since you said you’ve visited my site. I offer therapy by phone and online through Skype for my clients who don’t live in Seattle. You can get all the details by clicking the Therapy Available tab in the header above.
Nick: “I get hard just seeing him and kissing him and being close to him, but when it comes time to have sex, I start getting a bit nervous, go soft and loose all the sexual arousal.”
DD: Your use of the word “nervous” is the clincher. You got it bad, sir, and that ain’t good.
Nick: “So I guess my question is — What’s up with not being able to feel anything when I’m on top? Is it just a question of position? Should I try other positions when I’m topping someone?”
DD: It’s not about positions, not at all. It’s about being disconnected from your dick in partnered sex.
Nick: “I have reassured my partner that I am attracted to him (he’s hot!) and that I am turned on but its starting to be an issue — what can I do to get over this?”
DD: In this instance, Nick, there is no substitute for talking to a professional. And there’s no shame in that. You just need to learn how to jettison the anxiety and relax into it your newfound identity as a sexually liberated gay man. There is a program of sensate focus and relaxation exercises that would certainly help you.
Nick: “That’s my rather long rant for tonight.”
DD: Thanks for writing Nick. I wish you well as you address this. Let me know if I can be of further assistance.