My innermost desire is to have a dominant type man take control in sex and get down and dirty with me. But I never meet that kind of guy in my regular social life. It doesn’t seem like such a difficult thing, but it’s been out of reach all of my life. It has left me feeling like I don’t want to get involved with anyone and only have to deal with more disappointment. I feel like I’m at a dead end…and troubled about it!
Tammy, don’t despair. You’re just looking in the wrong place for the thing you desire most.
Before I get too far into this, I just want to make sure I understand you correctly. When you say you want a dominant type of man to take control in sex; I’m gonna assume you don’t want some loutish, uncouth Neanderthal who will treat you like shit, right? You do, however, want a man to dominate you, but not without respecting you first, right? Ok, lets start there.
First off, you’re gonna have to come out as a perv, sweetheart…yeah, “perv” like in pervert. That’s what the folks in the kink community call themselves. You’re a kinky perv! Say it loud, Say it proud! And you need to connect with other kinky pervs. There may be some closeted pervs in your current social circle, but you’ll probably never know for sure. Times being what they are, most kinksters save that information for their friends in the kink community. So it’s high time to shift gears and start socializing in that community. They’ll welcome you, embrace you and help you realize your innermost desires.
Once you can admit to yourself who you are and give a name to what you desire, you will have more success finding what you want. Tammy, you are a submissive (sub) in search of her Dom (dominant). You also need to figure out if you are looking for a casual hookup or if you want to make this a lifestyle. Here’s a tip; kinksters and pervs alike will be less likely to embrace you if they think you’re a dilettante. A true Dom/sub relationship is one that permeates all layers of a person’s life, not just a role-play in the boudoir. In fact, most Dom/sub relationships are not centered on sex. Not that sex is ruled out, of course.
Begin the process of self-identification by taking stock of who you are, everything from your taste in music to your spirituality and politics. The more you know about yourself, the easier it will be for you to connect with the dom of you’re your dreams.
The internets is gonna be your new best friend as you begin your search. You’ll need to learn some of the lingo and there are plenty of resource sites out there that can help you. Do a search using keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress, Submissive. Luckily, you’re in a major metropolitan area. You’ll have no trouble at all connecting with the perv community in your area by just following some of the links you discover in your online search.
Be sure to check out Fet Life, it’s the Facebook for the pervy set. Heck, you’ll even find me there if you look hard enough.
Most kink sites have bulletin boards and/or member profiles. Once you get your bearings and have a grip on some of the vocabulary, you’ll want to set up a profile yourself. Be as clear about what it is you want as possible. Big cities, like Chicago, also have perv organizations that welcome a novice kinkster to local social events and meet and greets. Some even have demo’s and workshops. You’d do well to immerse yourself in this subculture, because the more information you have the more enlightened your future choices will be.
When connecting online with other pervs, be courteous. You’ll no doubt encounter an array of lifestyle choices and sexual proclivities, some of which may be off-putting to you. Remember, you are the guest here. Leave your uptight judgments and provincial attitudes at the door. You’re will have to earn the trust and respect of this community if you ever hope to be taken seriously by them.
Once you are acclimated to your new surroundings, you might want to set up a meeting with a Dom who interest you. This should strictly be a vanilla meeting in a neutral place. Look for a seasoned Dom. Ask for references from the Dom you are interviewing. These should include other submissives that this Dom has been with. Beware of a Dom without proper references.
Before connecting with a Dom, be sure you get his/her phone numbers — home, cell phone. Of course, you’ll have to share your numbers with him/her as well. If ya can’t trust one another with phone numbers there’s no likelihood that this is gonna be the match made in heaven. The more confidence you have in the Dom the more trust you’ll able to invest in him/her…the safer you’ll be. And since all sub/Dom relationships are grounded in trust there’s no substitute for absolute trust.
Being a submissive is a state of mind. It is not a particular sex act, it is not a game, and it is not role-playing and it is not gender specific. The best Dom/sub relationships are those that express a mutuality of care, concern and trust. And here’s a tip: your commitment to you Dom ought exceed your need for him/her.
Finally, if ya don’t mind a little shameless self-promotion, allow me to introduce you to The Gospel of Kink; A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For. It’s a communication and relationship-building workshop in book form and it is written specifically for budding kinksters, just like you.
The Gospel of Kink’s innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.
The Gospel of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.
The Gospel of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.
The Gospel of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.
The Gospel of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.
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