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Several Steamy Summer Solstice Sexual Situations — SOLVED!

Don’t you just love alliteration?

Summer is here…at least in the northern hemisphere. All hail Sol Invictus! Instead of being outdoors enjoying the beautiful weather we’re having here in the Emerald City, I’m stuck indoors, at this freakin’ keyboard. HELP! Maybe if I hurry up and get my homework done, my mom will let me go out and play.

Name: john
Gender:
Age: 58
Location: Detroit
married and testing the water, so to speak. Was with a man who is HIV and I swallowed a couple of drops of his cum. Should I be concerned/worried?

gettestedposter-english2.pngAhhhh, yeah! I’d sure enough be concerned, if I were you. I’d be concerned enough to get tested, that’s for sure — not just now, but again in 6 weeks or so. While it’s not overly likely that you’ve sero-converted by this incident alone, stranger things have happened.

I am of the mind that all sexually active people (especially you people who are being sexual outside of your primary relationships) be tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections regularly…at least twice a year. All you sexual athletes out there should test every other month. You shouldn’t even think about it, you should just do it. It is painless, discreet, but most importantly, it’s the responsible thing to do. If you make it part of your lifestyle, then there will be no embarrassment associated with the trip to your doctor or the local clinic. Made this happen, people.

Good luck

Name: Frank
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: Brazil
I have never had sex with anyone before and i believe i am straight, as i feel attrakted towrds girls, but every now and again i like watching gay porn. is this a sign that i’m bisexual or gay? or is it just curiosity?

Can’t hardly say what you are, Frank. Maybe it’s too soon to be giving yourself a label.

What I can tell you is, I’m as queer as a $3 dollar bill (as we say here in America), and I sometimes watch straight porn. That sure as hell don’t make me straight…don’t even make me bi, honey. I guess that just leaves…curious, huh?

Good luck

Name: asianIndian
Gender:
Age: 24
Location: San Diego, CA
I have been masturbating almost everyday for the past 10 years now. Last year was the first time I tried to get laid off. It was with a 30 woman and I found that I was not able to retain the stiffness of my dick while pumping her. At the end I had to pull out and masturbate to ejaculate. I tried it couple of more women on different occasion and I faced with the same problem. All the three times I had to pull out and masturbate with my hand. I felt really embarrassed and I am afraid of going out with any other women. I also noticed that when I masturbate I do it vigorously and for a prolonged period of time. But when I was having sex I was not able to pump the women for more than 3-4 minutes, I felt part exhausted and my penis too looses its stiffness. How can I over come this major problem?

Name: tanya
Gender:
Age: 28
Location: ca
my boyfriend has trouble cuming durning sex.he can cum if we are doing anael or I give him a blow job. he takes a long time to cum if we do doggie style. but he cant cum most the time and he cant cum if hes on top. can it be metal or health wise? help please.

You guys are a real pair! I thought I’d respond to you both at the same time.

pic13981.jpgLots of guys find it difficult to cum in penis/vagina fucking. Sometimes there’s simply not enough friction due to flabby, out of shape untoned pussy muscles. Tanya darling, are you doing your Kegel exercises? You should be, if you’re not. If the BF can get off in your ass and with your mouth and hand, then that tells me you have more of a grip in these other orifices then you do in your whoha. It’s not the end of the world. It can be remedied with a little exercise.

Mr. AsianIndian, maybe your masturbation technique gives you more direct cock stimulation than what you get inside a pussy. If that’s the case, you’ll probably have to learn to masturbate with a lighter touch or find a tighter snatch. You could also try masturbating till you get close to shooting, and then stick it in again. Either way, there’s no need to feel embarrassed. Like I said, lots of guys can’t get off by fucking alone. Just like lots of women don’t have vaginal orgasms. They need to stimulate their clit for that.

Good luck

Name: james
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: lewes, de
is there a way i can make my dick bigger without pills. my dick is so small i cant do alot of the positions i like. i even slip out doin misonary. so can you help me.

Name: ali
Gender:
Age: 39
Location: glasgow
what is the best thinks to mack the (cock-peanas) biger)

Well. Boys, here’s the deal. Throughout history, men have obsessed with the size of their cocks. And when there’s that much attention paid to something that trivial, you can be sure there’s gonna be an entire industry poised to bilk the shit out of the willie worrisome, like you guys.

All of this unfortunate big-dick envy creates a never-ending parade of con artists tryin’ to sell a remedy, of one sort or another, to cure guys, just like you, of their “shame”. But, take it from Dr. Dick, the dick doctor; it’s all bullshit. And some of the bullshit is really scary and dangerous bullshit.

monsterpumped.jpgFor every little peanut out there, there is some kooky diet, ridiculous cream, bogus massage technique or worthless breathing exercise that is supposed to transform one’s mini-meat into the giant economy size. And let’s not forget the weights you can hang on your thang, the Vacuum device to pump up your thang. And of course the twenty-first century solution — cosmetic surgery — to put a happy face on your thang. The results are dubious if there are any results at all. And each has negative side effects, some of which are more revolting than others.

Here’s the last word on this — don’t waste your money on any of this crap. Or better yet, send me the money, and I’ll put it to good use. Here’s the very best advice I can offer a guy who is unhappy about the size of his schlong…learn to love what ya got and leave it alone.

Good luck

Name: spungee
Gender:
Age: 36
Location: canada’s capital (you figure it out)
hey. i am a big time anal fan, both giving and receiving. spouse and i have enjoyed anal for some years now, both me giving to her and me gettin pegged. my concern is that while she was really into it at first, she seems to have cooled down a bit recently when it comes to nailing me. any thoughts on how to warm things up again? cheers, spungee

b758.jpgI know what the capitol of Canada is, it’s Ottawa. I went to collage, ya know. I was gonna vist Ottawa, but then I heard it’s filled with Canadians.

Why did things fall off, so to speak? Is the pegging all about you? What’s in it for her? If you get pegged, what does she get? Maybe she’s just bored. Maybe she thinks you’re being selfish. Have you checked in with her lately? Maybe she wants to see you get nailed by the real thing. Ever consider replacing the dildo with 100% prime Canadian Beef?

Good luck

Name: Carlos
Gender:
Age: 24
Location: Colombia
does coffee have a negative effect on one’s erection? Does anyone know if this is true and why this would be?

Never heard of such a thing! Since Seattle is coffee central here in the good old US of A, I’m sure I would have heard of this, or seen some evidence of this here. I have not! Everyone here in Seattle has a huge stiff erection…all the time

Come to think of it, if you poured hot coffee on your unit that would have a negative effect your stiffy. That’s for damn sure!

Good luck

Sex Advice With An Edge — Podcast #18 — 06/18/07

Hey sex fans,

I have a great show for you today. We celebrate Gay Pride Week with several luscious questions from the sexually worrisome with an equal number of cheeky, amiable and oh so informative responses by me! Hey, it’s what I do.

  • Happenstance is concerned about the new Surgeon General Nominee.
  • Robin got herself some backdoor action. What’s up with her BF?
  • Gabe is thinking about seeking professional help.
  • Michael is a hot bi-guy lookin’ for some action. He cums with his own chair.
  • And finally, Great Moments in Sex History — The Stonewall Riots.

BE THERE, OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s dr dick’s toll free podcast voicemail. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question? No time to write? Give dr dick a call at (866) 422-5680. Again, the TOLL FREE voicemail number is (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY !

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the health section under the subheading — Sexuality. Or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice With An Edge. And don’t forget to subscribe. I don’t want you to miss even one episode.

Say, would you like to become a sponsor for one or more of my weekly sex advice podcasts? As you know, I plug a product or service at the beginning and end of each show. Each podcast has its own posting on my site along with the name of the podcast sponsor and a banner for the product or service.

The beauty part about this unique opportunity is that once a sponsor’s ad is included in a particular podcast that sponsor is embedded there forever.

Your sponsorship also underscores your social conscience. Your marketing dollars will not only got to promote your product, but you will be doing so while helping to disseminate badly needed sex education and sexual enrichment messages. Simply put, ya just can’t get a better bang for your advertising buck!

For further information, contact me at: dr_dick@drdicksexadvice.com

Today’s podcast is once again bought to you by: DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

ddsavod.jpg

Too Much of One Thing and Not Enough of Another

Name: Carey
Gender: Male
Age: 33
Location: Kansas
My fiancée is 27 and in the past 3 to 4 years her libido has become virtually extinct I have tried everything and she just blames her birth control what do I do

You’ve been engaged to a woman for more than 4 years? Oh wait, maybe you’re trying to tell me that you proposed to this woman in spite of knowing she has an extinct libido? Either way, darling, that’s messed up, huh? Are you hoping this is “dry spell” is gonna somehow magically resolve itself once you’re married? I wouldn’t hold my breath for that, if I were you.

happy-bride-getting-boned.jpgIt’s true of course, birth control pills can seriously impact on a woman’s desire for sex. Your fiancée is probably one of these women. Maybe she ought to consult her physician about another type of pill that may have a less severe impact on her libido. Many women find that triphasic birth control pills (which deliver differing amounts of hormones every week) interfere much less with their sex drive than monophasic pills (which deliver the same amount of hormones each dose).

She could also decide to discontinue the pill altogether, and choose another form of contraception, such as a condom or diaphragm. Just realize that once off the pill, her sex drive may only return very slowly.

You see how this predicament is a double bind for your fiancée. If she is more lax with her contraceptive efforts, just to please you and your sex drive; then she opens herself up for an unplanned pregnancy. And that’s not good for her, or you. Is there anything YOU can do to free her up from shouldering the full burden of contraception? Have you’ve considered a vasectomy? Probably not, huh? What man ever imagines he ought assume the responsibility for controlling reproduction?

I wholeheartedly support the notion that married people deserve a rich and fulfilling sex life, unless there’s mutual agreement not to bother. But that can’t happen if one of the partners is inequitably burdened by one thing or another. Perhaps, it’s time you and the little misses to have a frank talk about equally sharing the responsibility for contraception. And if this little talk is successful, maybe, just maybe, you might get laid again.

Good luck

Name: Tom
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: New York
Okay so I’m not sexually active yet so I’m not in a rush to solve this but I just had a question for you. Is it possible to have too much foreskin? I mean even when fully erect the skin still overhangs by like 1 quarter inch or so (never measured so not exact). So a few times i’ve tried to do it by hand and yet still it doesn’t fully go back and gets to a point that it starts to hurt and I can’t continue. So do I probably hatto get cut some day or something? Also what if I decided not to get cut would this cause problems, just asking because if I didn’t have to go in and get cut I’d prefer that but you gotta do what you gotta do. Well thanks for the help.

Too much foreskin? Never heard of such a thing!

That being said, it does sound like you have been blessed with an abundance of drapes. What’s also obvious is that you’ve yet to learn how to manage a foreskin…particularly a wild and unruly foreskin, like yours.

c7.jpegPhimosis, or tight foreskin, can be a real pain. But stretching, not circumcision, is the cure for all but the most severe cases. I’d be willing to guess that you’ve never been taught to stretch your foreskin to make it more elastic, right? Alrighty then, let’s start with a few stretching exercises.

Exercise 1 — While you’re dick is soft; retract your foreskin as far back as you can. Work two fingers in under your hood till you can touch the head of your dick. Now attempt to roll your hood forward and over your fingers. It’s like docking another cock, only you’re using your fingers. This exercise depends on you having your fingers inside your foreskin for it to be effective. In time you’ll be able to add three fingers, instead of just two. This will stretch your foreskin to the point you’ll be able to easily retract it over your erect dick head.

46-33-03.jpgExercise 2 — Grab each side of the foreskin opening and gently pull each side apart. Stretch the opening till it’s stretched with a tension you can tolerate, but not actually painful. Hold for a count of 10 and release. Repeat for 5 sets of 10 pulls per day, more if you can handle it. Here’s a tip, these stretches are best done after soaking in a warm bath or a long hot shower.

Exercise 3 — This is a variation on exercise 1. Insert a smooth cylindrical object into your foreskin opening, like the cork from a wine bottle. This object needs to be just large enough to stretch the skin without pain. Once inserted, leave it there for as long as you can during the day, or for over night. As your foreskin stretches you want to swap one object for another with a larger diameter. If a wine cork is too big to start with, consider a smaller smooth wooden or plastic dowel. You can find these sorts of things at the Home-O Depot, don’t ‘cha know. You might need to use a bit of surgical tape to keep these stretchers in place.

These exercises may sound a bit invasive or uncomfortable, and perhaps they will be at first. But they’re nothing compared to getting cut as an adult. In a short period of time you will achieve the success you are looking for. Remember, properly caring for your foreskin will insure that you’ll be able to keep this amazing piece of your anatomy. So that when it’s time for you to become sexually active it will work flawlessly and exponentially increase your pleasure.

Good luck

Name: tony
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: houston
I’ve loved several women and even married and divorced one. Over the last few years, I notice having similar feelings for men around me…longing, sweaty palms, difficulty thinking and wanting to be with them alone. Is this love? Am I bisexual? Am I a sick man better of dead? I have not crossed the line and I still having great sex with women. But there’s now a guy that I think about when I’m with her! Am I gay? Bisexual? Sick in the head?

My first reaction is that what you present is not particularly uncommon. Many people, just like you, inexplicably find themselves behaving in a completely unexpected sexual manner. I’d love to know what triggered you to veer off your comfortable and predictable sexual path?

gayshower-e.jpgThere’s never a scarcity of sexual fascists out there, people who believe that sexual tastes and preferences are carved in stone, or there’s only one “right” way to be sexual. They’ll persecute anyone who doesn’t conform to their strict immutable notions of sexuality and eroticism. Despite the proliferation of these hetero-fascists, homo-fascists and what have you; they are all very wrong about the indomitable human spirit.

For the most part, humans are not sexual automatons. Given a more permissive and sex-positive culture then our own, we’d all be more fluid in our eroticism and sexual expression. Are you one of the lucky few who has discovered the joy of this fluidity? Doesn’t quite sound like it to me, at least not yet. I think you’re still in the “scared shitless” stage.

For a guy who has yet to “cross the line” and actually act on your fantasy, you sure are preoccupied with your identity. Are you afraid that someone will take away your breeder card if you actually touch a dude in a sexual way? Does having same-sex feelings…sweaty palms and all…make you a gay? Doubt it! Being gay entails a lot more than a sense of longing for something you’re not supposed to have. Are you bisexual? I can’t say for sure, but you’re certainly not exclusively straight either. I suppose you have to come to grips with the self-identify thing when you have a bit more information about your burgeoning homoeroticism. What I know for sure is that you are not sick.

Who knows, your homoeroticism might very well be situational. It might not extend any farther than the guy you think about when you’re fucking chicks. I know all of this is can be pretty disconcerting and it can really mess with your head. But at least you know you are still alive sexually. So many people are sleepwalking through their erotic lives.

Will you act on your inclinations? Will you test the waters, so to speak? What harm could it do? Might just open up a whole new sexual world for you. On the other hand, if you do nothing, or try and repress these natural feelings, you’ll always know in your heart of hearts that you have the desire, if not the capacity, to express yourself sexually with a much wider range of humans than what you are currently used to. And something tells me that if you choose the path of self-denial, it will eat away at you until you satisfy your curiosity.

Good luck

Time On My Hands

When I was just a little tike, the nuns who taught me in grade school would often say, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” Far be it from me to lend the devil an idle hand. While I was waitin’ on my new computer, the one that allowed me to resume my podcasts, I decided to use some of the down time to respond to a backlog of correspondents in the old fashioned way…by writing.

Name: Adam
Gender:
Age: 34
Location: UK
I have been attracted to male children for years. Having been arrested for viewing child porn I realize that I need to pursue a celibate lifestyle. I realize that celibacy is a demanding lifestyle. What advice would you offer me?

You present a particularly touchy issue for our culture, Adam. But before I respond, I’d like to help you with some of your vocabulary. You say you need to pursue a celibate lifestyle. I think you mean to say you need to pursue an abstinent lifestyle. The two concepts — celibacy and sexual abstinence — mean different things. Unfortunately, way too many people use these terms interchangeably. This is not a good thing and only serves to muddy the waters further.

Celibacy has a very specific meaning. Let me whip out my trusty, handy dandy Funk & Wagnalls dictionary. Celibacy: the state of being unmarried. Some people infer, especially those of a strict religious bent, that celibacy also connotes sexual abstinence. Ya see, religious people are of the mind that there is no legitimate sexual expression outside the confines of heterosexual marriage. Legitimate or not, unmarried people have always been and will always continue to be sexual, so making that unfortunate connection between celibacy and abstinence ill advised.

The only thing we ought to be able to say for sure when someone identifies him/herself as celibate is that he/she is not married. To assume a celibate person, even one who has taken a vow of celibacy, is sexually abstinent is quite a dangerous stretch indeed. Need I point out the very unfortunate sex abuse scandals that continue to plague the Roman Catholic Church?

In the same way, if someone identifies him/herself as sexually abstinent, the only thing we ought to be able to say for sure is that he/she is not engaging in any type of sexual expression. It would be false to assume that a sexually abstinent person is not married, because there are a lot of married people who are indeed sexually abstinent.

In your case, Adam, I believe you are telling me that you are both not married (celibate), and because of your particular sexual predilection — young boys — you must also be sexually abstinent. If I’ve got this right…and it is very important that I not misinterpret your words…then I think there are options you may not have considered.

I firmly believe that we learn our sexuality. All we eroticize, in your case boys, is learned behavior. You once learned to eroticize boys; you can now learn to eroticize a more appropriate group of people. This isn’t a particularly easy thing to accomplish, but it’s not impossible either.

Anytime any one of us discovers that the object of our desires is someone inappropriate, we need to adjust our eroticism immediately. This is the better part of being a sexually responsible person. Pedophilia is just one such inappropriate eroticism. A father for his daughter, a mother for her son, a boss for a subordinate, a man for his neighbor’s wife, a teacher for her student, a counselor for his/her client, a congressman for his page…are you getting the picture? I hope so. And the list goes on and on.

I believe learning to readjust your eroticism to a more appropriate outlet is a much better option than trying to live a sexually abstinent lifestyle. The reason I believe this is that having a more appropriate outlet will at least give you an outlet for your pent up sexuality. If you have no outlet, or limit yourself to masturbation, you will only intensify your longings and further fixate on the inappropriate object of your current desires.

Like anyone trying to wean him/herself off a bad habit, the task ahead of you Adam, will be challenging. It will also be enriching and life-affirming. I hasten to add that you ought not try to do this on your own. Work with a sex-positive therapist.

You’re a relatively young man with many years ahead of you. These years can be filled with happy, healthy and appropriate sexual expression. Make it happen.

Good luck!

Name: Bert
Age: 54
Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Dear Sir,
7 years ago I lost my lover who I had lived for 14 years by AIDS. 6 months later I met my present lover. His lover just died of lung cancer. We met each other at a time we needed someone in our life. I am not a person who steps inside easily into a relationship. For the first 3 years we had a review every 3 months and every 3 months we extended our relationship for another 3 months. I needed time to get over my loss. My problem is that I cannot ejaculate when I have sex with my present lover and my appetite for sex has vanished. Before my lover died I had the greatest appetite for sex and I had no inhibitions about sex. I feel shy and uncomfortable when he approaches me and I do have an erected penis. In the first years I thought the reason was my lost of my lover. But after seven years it must be over. Can you give me advice?

Dear Bert,
Grief has a profound effect on our sexual response. In my practice I have found that grief is one of the leading causes of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction. You, Bert, present the classic symptoms of grief induced sexual dysfunction and dysphoria.

As you probably know, some animals mate for life. When the mate dies, that animal will not mate again. Are you such an animal? Is seven years of grieving enough? I can’t say. Grieving is such an individual thing. What I can tell you is it is time for you to bring this concern to a professional for help. I suggest that you seek the help of a qualified sex-positive therapist, someone who is well versed in both sexuality and grief counseling. It’s imperative that you address this issue as soon as you can. Don’t let this go unattended any longer. It will fester and destroy any sexual relationship you will try to establish in the future.

Good luck!

Name: Lenore
Age: 28
Location: IL
Whenever I have sex with ANYONE (it could be the hottest guy on the planet) I have to ALWAYS imagine I am with someone else from my past. The guy in question was the first guy I ever had sex with. We only did it once and I never saw him again after that. I was 17 in high school and he was 23 in the navy. Now if I don’t imagine this guy I can’t achieve orgasm, no matter how GOOD the partner I have is making me feel. I’m having a good time, I lubricate like crazy, but when it gets right down to it, I HAVE to think of this guy or no orgasm.
Can you give me some advice on this?

Are you suggesting that what you describe here is a problem? Or are you just making a point and asking me for my thoughts on the matter? I hope it’s the later, because I

vintage-nude-with-tambourine.jpg

don’t see that your fantasy life is getting in the way of you enjoying your sexuality. On the contrary, your fantasies are enriching your sexuality. You’re able to fully enjoy sex, even to orgasm…with the help of your recollections of the guy who popped your cherry.

As to what goes on in your head during sex, well that’s no body’s business but yours, unless you want to tell your partner what’s on our mind. Everyone enjoys sexual fantasies as an integral part of their sexual expression. And rarely do those fantasies include the person right there bumpin’ parts with the person doing the fantasizing. There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t ‘cha know! I mean, why would you want to leave your largest sexual organ, your brain, unstimulated when your pussy is having such a good time?

Why not just enjoy what works for you?

Good luck!

Name: Kevin
Age: 30
Location: Delaware
I would like to know why gay men and lesbian woman have fetishes (turned on by a certain body part). I’m turned on by feet and by men wearing all01010801150101031020071202061df1a0067a5a44f400c442.jpg types of boots and all types of sox please reply with answer thanx

Ya know, Kevin, fetishes are not just a gay/lesbian phenomenon. Every kind of person may have fetishes.

Fetishes come in all sizes and shapes; body parts, clothing, hair color, (racial fetishes…as we will see later) particular sex acts, sex toys, to name just a few. There are a few plausible explanations for these behaviors, but the one I prefer is that we learn our sexuality. All the things we eroticize — in your case feet, footwear and sox — are learned behaviors. I suppose that if you had the time and energy to retrace your steps, as it were, you’d find a specific time and place when you began to fetishize these things. The people who study human sexuality say that there is a pleasurable connection of one sort or another with everything we find erotic. Some fetishes develop later in life, some start when we are children or even infants.

Good luck!

Name: Mura
Age: 22
Location: Japan
I am 22 year old. I like and love strong and humor and good-looking male man. When saw the man like those, my cock is becoming hard and want to have sex. Frankly speaking, I like and love black Actors of USA Will Smith and Denzel Washington. When I watch their films, I do my cock by myself. I feel it s very nice. But I also think that it is not good. But I can’t control myself. I don’t know how to do. Please tell me your advice.

Lots of us share your sexual fantasies of black American actors.

— Denzel! Denzel! Denzel! Oh baby, oh baby, you make me so hot! —

And those that don’t share your (our) fantasy have other beloved fantasies of their own, just like Lenore and Kevin above you. There is nothing wrong with that. Masturbating to sexual fantasies is good and healthy. It will help you learn about your

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body. Enjoy yourself. Try not to think of yourself as having a problem. This is all very natural.

Good luck!

Name: Jose
Age: 27
Location: Miami
Dear Dr.Dick, I’m been having a problem for a long time I’m a goodlooking guy that works out, healthy, professional but I have a problem I can only have sex with men of color only I fantasy about it everyday till the other day I call an escort service and finally I did it but now I’m worse still having more fantasies everyday and I don’t know if this is an addiction problem or what, I try white guys but they do not turn me on at all and by the way I’m Latin, can you please advise.

Why do you think there’s a problem with your sexual preferences? It sounds like you’re doing fine, you’ve discovered that you’re into men of color.

— Denzel! Denzel! Denzel! Oh baby, oh baby, you make me so hot! …WHOOPS, I THERE I GO AGAIN…

No need to apologize for that. Why not just enjoy yourself…and the luscious black men that we love so much?

Good luck!

Who Can I Turn To?

Hello Dr. Dick! I have a serious question for you. I’m relatively new at this, so here goes. In trying to meet and make gay friends, I find that none want a friend. The only interest I find is for sex. Is this typical and is it a waste of time seeking gay friends?
— C

Dear C,

Thanks for your message and question.bw1.jpg

I’ve been hearing a lot of similar complaints from guys all over the country lately. Some are just coming out; others are just weary of the constant sexual competitiveness among gay men.

Let me begin by saying, yes, what you report is pretty typical. And, no, you’re not wasting your time looking for gay friends. That being said, you should also know that making friends in the gay community is often very different than making friends in the straight community. For the most part, the “getting-to-know-you” phase among gay men almost always has a sexual component to it. Is this a good thing? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

Personally, this does not put me off, but that’s only because I understand the ground rules. If you’re approaching gay friendships with a heterosexual mindset, you’ll no doubt encounter some frustration. If, on the other hand, you accept the fact that casual sex is, at least for some, a legitimate means of getting to know someone, and is as good a reason as any for making friends, there will be less disappointment.

This can be very challenging for those whose sexual mores are not that open-ended. On the other hand, this can be an opportunity to open oneself up sexually and to learn to appreciate a wider range of sexual expression from the very casual to the deeply committed.

Good luck

Richard,
I really do appreciate your taking the time to respond. Yes, I am finding it difficult to navigate the gay waters. I’m not completely out and the primary reason (one could argue other reasons) has to do with what I see in the gay community. I don’t see the warmth or open friendliness I see in the Black community for example.
I recently moved to a new city in Indiana and joined a local predominately Black church. Even though I didn’t know anyone I was welcomed with open arms. The people there often invite me to events and gatherings. I have done the same in the gay community and it seems so cold and icy. I have attended a predominately gay church, joined a gay support group, etc. In none of these gay environments did I ever feel welcome. Few, if any, made any attempt to say hello let alone invite me to anything.
Without fail, each time I try to make a gay friend it’s unsuccessful because either they aren’t attracted to me or they are attracted to me but I’m not sexually attracted to them. But I have always welcomed the friendship.
Of course the most insulting thing happens when they ask for a face picture of me (those I meet on the Internet), even though I make it clear I’m only interested in friendship. Though they claim they are only interested in the same, in most instances once they see my face PIC they lose interest. Now, please explain to me why what I look like has anything to do with becoming a friend? Now, I may not be attracted to that person physically, but I would never not want to be a friend because of someone’s looks.
So, it seems I have few choices. I can sleep with someone I have absolutely no sexual interest in just in hopes of having a gay friend. Or, I can forget the gay friendship thing all together and accept the fact that having straight friends is the best way to go.
One more thing, it never fails that if there is someone I find very attractive, they are never interested in me. Never fails. I always attract guys that are 5 feet tall or 300 lbs and out of shape or 70 years old. Just once I would like someone around my age, my height and in relatively good shape. LOL! It seems the easiest thing is simply to find a gay male prostitute and pay him. Keep it all clear, business like and to the point. No games or issues. If I were rich that would be a great option.
I won’t even go into racism within the gay community…it’s just a mess. Most white guys won’t give a Black guy the time of day. <G>
Now I know what straight women go through. Gay men are even more superficial, so small wonder that relationships just don’t last and the ones that do are always, “open”
Okay, I’ve vented enough. LOL! Again, thanks for giving me some of your time.
— C

Dear C,

I kinda figured you were still in the closet. And, yes, that does have a lot to do with howblackcock.jpg other gay men perceive you. I mean, how would you respond to a fellow black man who was trying to pass himself off as white?

I’m glad you brought up the warm reception you are receiving in your black church. You are welcomed there because they recognize you; you are familiar to them. No big stretch for either them or you, huh? I wonder though, would they be as welcoming and inclusive if they knew you were a big ol’ gay homosexual? Probably not! Sexual bigotry can and does trump even the strongest bonds that shared race and ethnicity engender.

Your reception in the gay community is similarly determined. Ambivalence about one’s sexuality, like ambivalence about one’s race, sends a strong message to the community at large. It declares to the group that the individual is not to be trusted, at least not until he proves himself worthy of that trust. Seems to me, you’re expecting more of a stretch from your gay sisters and brothers then you’re asking of your black church. And that double standard adds to your alienation.

Despite your protestations to the contrary, you do discriminate for superficial reasons, just like most of your gay (and non-gay) peers. Check it out, your words betray you. Apparently there is no room in your circle of friends for effeminate men, guys who are much older than you, or, god forbid, anyone who is out of shape.

Ahhh the heartland, beautiful Indiana! There’s another big part of your problem right there. Even I know that Indiana is not a hot bed of big ol’ gay homosexual-ism. Most of the guys you’re trying to relate to, there in the Hoosier State, are probably closeted or semi-closeted just like you. That kind of stultifying atmosphere breeds fear and mistrust. It also militates against intimacy and openness. But don’t underestimate the resilience and adaptability of us gay folk. Even in deepest darkest Indiana there are gay couples successfully living out their lives together with pride and love in very long-term relationships.

You conclude that you now know what straight women go through. How very insightful! Solidarity with women and others who have been sexually oppressed or objectified does us men a world of good. It should help keep us humble.

So bro, high marks for your critique of the gay community. (Although, how difficult is it to point out the obvious?) Lucky for you, I have a sure-fire way to immediately improve the status quo. Get off your pity pot and jettison all those bogus reasons for remaining closeted. Nowadays, coming out is not optional; it’s a fundamental developmental task that each of us must face, even those who live in god’s country. Failure to address this basic responsibility to yourself will stunt your growth as a human being, because you’ll never be able to live an authentic life. You, and most of those around you, will always know you’re living a lie. Coming out will make you a better person, improve your local gay community and make the world a better place to live…because one more person — YOU — are being true to yourself.

And while you’re working on the task at hand, don’t be so hard on yourself or your gay brothers. None of this is easy. Each of us is fighting our own demons, and sometimes that battle is so fierce that we don’t immediately recognize the folks around us who could and would be our natural allies.

Good luck

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